1
00:00:04,978 --> 00:00:07,446
ALAN:
Not yet, not yet, not yet.

2
00:00:07,714 --> 00:00:11,912
Okay. Wait for the traffic to clear
and then turn into the left lane.

3
00:00:12,085 --> 00:00:14,144
Not yet, not yet.

4
00:00:15,054 --> 00:00:16,749
Okay, go.

5
00:00:16,956 --> 00:00:17,980
Hurry, hurry, hurry.

6
00:00:18,158 --> 00:00:19,182
[TIRES SQUEAL]

7
00:00:19,359 --> 00:00:20,383
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

8
00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:22,323
[CAR HORN HONKS]

9
00:00:24,764 --> 00:00:26,755
All right, good. Good, well done.

10
00:00:26,933 --> 00:00:27,957
[CHARLIE SOBS]

11
00:00:28,768 --> 00:00:29,996
Thank you.

12
00:00:30,503 --> 00:00:32,528
- What are you doing?
- Driving.

13
00:00:33,373 --> 00:00:35,273
Both hands, 10 and 2.

14
00:00:35,508 --> 00:00:36,873
Twelve.

15
00:00:37,977 --> 00:00:40,969
No, no, like a clock. Ten and 2.

16
00:00:41,181 --> 00:00:43,741
I have no idea what you're talking about.

17
00:00:43,983 --> 00:00:46,417
Put your left hand on the wheel.

18
00:00:47,787 --> 00:00:48,879
Fine.

19
00:00:49,055 --> 00:00:51,683
You gotta like
that he can add 10 and two.

20
00:00:51,858 --> 00:00:55,021
Yeah, and he did it in his head.

21
00:00:55,495 --> 00:00:56,621
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

22
00:00:56,796 --> 00:00:59,924
- Hey, hey, concentrate on the road.
- You listen to the radio while you drive.

23
00:01:00,099 --> 00:01:02,795
- I'm an experienced driver.
- You drive like an old woman.

24
00:01:03,002 --> 00:01:07,063
An experienced old woman. My point is,
never take your eyes off the road.

25
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:10,573
Don't distract the kid. He can
barely crap and read at the same time.

26
00:01:10,743 --> 00:01:12,142
- I can too.
- Look at the road.

27
00:01:12,312 --> 00:01:14,007
Don't yell at him.
Jake, look out, look out!

28
00:01:14,180 --> 00:01:15,670
[CAR HORN HONKS]

29
00:01:16,549 --> 00:01:18,779
Will you guys just let me drive?

30
00:01:18,952 --> 00:01:21,716
Fine, fine. Drive.

31
00:01:23,957 --> 00:01:27,518
So, Charlie,
when's your fiancée back in town?

32
00:01:27,694 --> 00:01:29,889
Uh, next week.

33
00:01:30,096 --> 00:01:32,997
Huh. So her dad's out of the hospital?

34
00:01:33,166 --> 00:01:35,964
Yep. They gave him his new hip
and sent him home.

35
00:01:36,169 --> 00:01:38,899
Huh. So he had a bad hip?

36
00:01:39,072 --> 00:01:42,735
No, Alan, he has a bad tooth
but he went to the wrong doctor.

37
00:01:42,909 --> 00:01:45,844
- You don't have to be snide.
- Don't ask dumb-ass questions.

38
00:01:46,045 --> 00:01:48,070
He didn't ask me anything.

39
00:01:48,248 --> 00:01:49,306
Yellow light, yellow light.

40
00:01:49,482 --> 00:01:52,815
CHARLIE: Speed up, speed up, speed up.
- Slow down, slow down, slow down.

41
00:01:54,254 --> 00:01:56,916
I've about had it with you two.
If you don't quit it...

42
00:01:57,090 --> 00:02:00,582
...l'm gonna turn this car around
and nobody's going to the movies.

43
00:02:02,629 --> 00:02:04,620
Man, I've always wanted to say that.

44
00:02:08,668 --> 00:02:10,533
I have to go to the bathroom.

45
00:02:10,703 --> 00:02:14,104
You should've peed
when he made that left turn, like I did.

46
00:02:26,019 --> 00:02:27,486
Oh, there's three over there.

47
00:02:27,654 --> 00:02:30,521
- Too far away.
- Ugh. Why don't you wear your glasses?

48
00:02:30,690 --> 00:02:33,682
- I don't need them.
- So why did your doctor prescribe them?

49
00:02:33,893 --> 00:02:38,330
It's a racket. I think they print those
charts blurry then tell you it's your eyes.

50
00:02:38,498 --> 00:02:40,932
Can we please just sit down?

51
00:02:42,602 --> 00:02:45,400
No, no, slide over one, slide over one.
I need the aisle.

52
00:02:45,605 --> 00:02:47,334
Why do you always need the aisle?

53
00:02:47,907 --> 00:02:51,502
He's got a prostate the size of an apple
and has to pee every five minutes.

54
00:02:51,678 --> 00:02:55,512
There's nothing wrong with my prostate,
I've got a teeny bladder, it's genetic.

55
00:02:55,682 --> 00:02:57,377
Another reason I think you were adopted.

56
00:02:57,550 --> 00:03:00,917
Ha, ha. It wasn't funny when I was 6,
not funny now.

57
00:03:01,854 --> 00:03:04,322
Can't you at least wait
till the lights go down?

58
00:03:04,490 --> 00:03:06,685
I'm hungry. Deviled egg?

59
00:03:06,859 --> 00:03:08,656
No.

60
00:03:09,862 --> 00:03:13,059
Close the lid. It smells like a box of ass.

61
00:03:13,299 --> 00:03:15,563
I don't know why
they call them deviled eggs.

62
00:03:15,735 --> 00:03:18,499
I think they're just heavenly.

63
00:03:19,939 --> 00:03:22,931
Why can't you just sneak in candy
like a normal cheapskate?

64
00:03:23,109 --> 00:03:27,068
Way ahead of you. Still got these
left over from last Halloween.

65
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:28,508
Shh.

66
00:03:33,753 --> 00:03:35,152
What the hell are you doing?

67
00:03:35,855 --> 00:03:38,881
How am I supposed to have
a rum and coke without the rum?

68
00:03:39,325 --> 00:03:42,021
You're not supposed to bring liquor
into a movie theater.

69
00:03:42,195 --> 00:03:45,028
Oh, but it's fine to bring a big box of ass?

70
00:03:45,832 --> 00:03:48,323
- Where you going?
- I'm gonna sit over here.

71
00:03:48,501 --> 00:03:50,230
But... But this is family time.

72
00:03:51,204 --> 00:03:53,468
I like this family better.

73
00:03:55,174 --> 00:03:57,438
Oh, damn it, I have to pee.

74
00:03:57,610 --> 00:03:59,271
[ALAN SIGHS]

75
00:04:02,348 --> 00:04:04,475
Oh, great.

76
00:04:04,751 --> 00:04:06,946
Focus!

77
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:08,587
Focus!

78
00:04:09,622 --> 00:04:11,988
Focus!

79
00:04:14,694 --> 00:04:15,922
Great movie choice, Alan.

80
00:04:16,095 --> 00:04:19,030
Excuse me, it was recommended
by four out of five critics...

81
00:04:19,198 --> 00:04:21,291
...who were not plowed
when they saw it.

82
00:04:21,501 --> 00:04:23,969
- Just get some ice cream.
- Sure we need to buy some?

83
00:04:24,137 --> 00:04:26,935
Your dad probably has gelato in his pants.

84
00:04:28,741 --> 00:04:29,935
- Uh-oh.
- What?

85
00:04:30,109 --> 00:04:31,133
Nothing.

86
00:04:31,310 --> 00:04:33,437
- You know those girls?
- Kind of.

87
00:04:33,613 --> 00:04:36,377
- Wanna go over and say hello?
- Alan, don't be an idiot.

88
00:04:36,549 --> 00:04:38,881
No teenager wants to be seen
out with his father.

89
00:04:39,051 --> 00:04:41,781
Especially when his father stinks
of deviled ass eggs.

90
00:04:41,954 --> 00:04:45,651
Yeah, but teenagers love to be seen
with degenerate rum-soaked uncles...

91
00:04:45,825 --> 00:04:49,420
...who always dress
like they're on line at Epcot Center.

92
00:04:50,029 --> 00:04:53,760
Well, pardon me
for having a personal style.

93
00:04:53,933 --> 00:04:56,094
Will you guys, please, please shut up?

94
00:04:56,269 --> 00:04:58,931
- Hi, Jake.
- Hey.

95
00:04:59,105 --> 00:05:01,437
Oh, she's cute.
You guys go to school together?

96
00:05:01,607 --> 00:05:05,008
- Where else is he gonna meet a girl?
ALAN: He has outside interests.

97
00:05:05,178 --> 00:05:08,341
- He could've met her anywhere.
- He only has two outside interests.

98
00:05:08,548 --> 00:05:12,006
And I don't think he met her
at a taco truck or a public toilet.

99
00:05:12,185 --> 00:05:15,177
- I'm not hungry. Let's go.
- Hey, hey. We're not going anywhere.

100
00:05:15,354 --> 00:05:17,982
- I want ice cream.
- Why, you gonna pour rum on it?

101
00:05:18,157 --> 00:05:19,784
No.

102
00:05:19,959 --> 00:05:22,189
Crème de cacao.

103
00:05:22,628 --> 00:05:24,619
All that drinking. I feel sorry for you.

104
00:05:24,797 --> 00:05:27,265
Don't feel sorry for me.
You're the reason I drink.

105
00:05:27,433 --> 00:05:30,630
If it weren't for me, you would've
choked on your vomit years ago.

106
00:05:30,803 --> 00:05:32,134
Hey, don't flatter yourself.

107
00:05:32,305 --> 00:05:35,297
I was vomiting in my sleep
long before you came into my life...

108
00:05:35,475 --> 00:05:37,841
...and I'll be vomiting
long after you're gone.

109
00:05:38,010 --> 00:05:41,207
SERVER: Next please.
- Oh, yay. Um...

110
00:05:41,380 --> 00:05:44,543
I would like to sample the passion fruit...

111
00:05:44,717 --> 00:05:46,344
...and the Banana Brickle, and...

112
00:05:46,519 --> 00:05:49,386
Ooh, maybe the Nutty Butter Buddy.

113
00:05:49,589 --> 00:05:53,992
Why don't you just get a double scoop
of gayberry and be done with it?

114
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:57,857
- What do you want, Jake?
- A quick, painless death.

115
00:05:58,664 --> 00:06:01,224
- Hey, what happened to those cute girls?
- They left.

116
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,334
Oh, too bad. I think the one liked you.

117
00:06:03,503 --> 00:06:06,734
- They were looking over here a lot.
- I know.

118
00:06:06,906 --> 00:06:08,669
Next time, take a little initiative.

119
00:06:08,841 --> 00:06:11,366
Yeah, we're not always gonna be here
to support you.

120
00:06:15,915 --> 00:06:22,650
So you peek over your right shoulder
and slide it into the spot.

121
00:06:22,822 --> 00:06:25,916
Parallel parking, easy peasy.

122
00:06:26,125 --> 00:06:28,923
- Are we home?
- We're dropping off Jake.

123
00:06:29,095 --> 00:06:30,119
Oh.

124
00:06:30,296 --> 00:06:32,389
I kind of got a sugar crash
off that ice cream.

125
00:06:32,565 --> 00:06:36,262
Yeah, it had nothing to do with the
4 ounces of liqueur you poured over it.

126
00:06:36,702 --> 00:06:39,398
Better liqueur than Halloween leftovers.

127
00:06:39,572 --> 00:06:44,032
They charged 50 cents for each topping
and I had perfectly good candy corn.

128
00:06:44,243 --> 00:06:45,335
Okay, bye.

129
00:06:45,511 --> 00:06:47,570
- See you next weekend.
- Yeah, maybe.

130
00:06:47,747 --> 00:06:50,272
- What's that mean?
- I'll call you.

131
00:06:52,418 --> 00:06:54,215
Okey-doke.

132
00:06:55,421 --> 00:06:57,582
Boy, you really pissed him off.

133
00:06:57,757 --> 00:07:00,726
- I pissed him off? What about you?
- Hey, he likes me.

134
00:07:00,893 --> 00:07:02,758
Oh, please, nobody likes you.

135
00:07:02,929 --> 00:07:05,796
We only tolerate you
because you have a lot of money.

136
00:07:05,965 --> 00:07:08,297
- All right, get out.
- What are you talking about?

137
00:07:08,467 --> 00:07:11,061
- This is my car.
- Fine, how much do you want for it?

138
00:07:11,237 --> 00:07:12,261
[ALAN SCOFFS]

139
00:07:12,438 --> 00:07:14,167
Don't be ridiculous.

140
00:07:14,774 --> 00:07:17,937
Are we talking Blue Book?
Because I just put a new tire on it.

141
00:07:24,450 --> 00:07:26,077
ALAN:
You are a lush.

142
00:07:26,252 --> 00:07:27,810
CHARLIE:
You are a leech.

143
00:07:27,987 --> 00:07:29,682
ALAN:
You are a misogynist.

144
00:07:29,855 --> 00:07:33,086
CHARLIE:
You are a mistake.

145
00:07:33,259 --> 00:07:35,250
You are a...

146
00:07:35,461 --> 00:07:37,019
- What are we up to?
- N.

147
00:07:37,196 --> 00:07:40,996
Thank you. Uh, you are a necrophiliac.

148
00:07:41,601 --> 00:07:44,468
She was drunk, not dead. I challenge.

149
00:07:49,709 --> 00:07:51,404
Okay, fine. You're a narcissist.

150
00:07:51,577 --> 00:07:53,272
- Better.
- Mm-hm.

151
00:07:53,913 --> 00:07:56,245
You are a nancy boy.

152
00:07:57,283 --> 00:07:59,911
You are old.

153
00:08:02,021 --> 00:08:04,546
You are odd...

154
00:08:05,691 --> 00:08:07,556
- ly shaped.

155
00:08:07,727 --> 00:08:08,751
[PHONE RINGING]

156
00:08:08,928 --> 00:08:10,088
Hang on.

157
00:08:10,930 --> 00:08:13,194
- You are a parasite.
- Not your turn.

158
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:17,527
Hello? Oh, hey, Judith, what's up?

159
00:08:18,104 --> 00:08:21,301
What do you mean, "What happened
with Jake?" We had a nice weekend.

160
00:08:21,507 --> 00:08:24,101
Well, we went driving,
to the movies, ice cream.

161
00:08:24,276 --> 00:08:25,436
Quack, rectal, suckwad.

162
00:08:27,613 --> 00:08:28,910
I never got my P.

163
00:08:29,081 --> 00:08:30,912
All you do is pee.

164
00:08:32,251 --> 00:08:35,584
What? Nothing. A little word game.
You know, exercise the brain.

165
00:08:35,755 --> 00:08:37,382
- Twit.
- Turd burglar.

166
00:08:39,458 --> 00:08:41,722
Judith, I don't know
what Jake's problem is.

167
00:08:41,894 --> 00:08:44,260
We had a terrific weekend.

168
00:08:44,864 --> 00:08:45,990
Huh.

169
00:08:46,432 --> 00:08:48,161
Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore.

170
00:08:48,601 --> 00:08:50,034
Really? Why?

171
00:08:50,670 --> 00:08:51,728
I don't know.

172
00:08:51,904 --> 00:08:53,929
Did he say why?

173
00:08:54,173 --> 00:08:56,607
Charlie and I don't bicker.

174
00:08:57,143 --> 00:09:00,271
I mean,
no more than any other couple...

175
00:09:02,081 --> 00:09:04,106
- of guys.

176
00:09:04,850 --> 00:09:06,545
- Right?
- Right.

177
00:09:06,719 --> 00:09:08,744
Oh, oh, oh. You are a eunuch.

178
00:09:08,921 --> 00:09:09,979
[SCOFFS]

179
00:09:10,156 --> 00:09:14,593
That's E, not U. Learn to spell. Useless.

180
00:09:15,194 --> 00:09:19,324
Look, I don't know what to tell you.
He's a teenager, he'll get over it.

181
00:09:19,498 --> 00:09:22,092
Okay. Okay, bye-bye.

182
00:09:22,268 --> 00:09:24,031
Well, I hope you're happy.

183
00:09:24,203 --> 00:09:26,763
I haven't been happy in seven years.

184
00:09:26,939 --> 00:09:30,033
I will not have been here seven years
until next fall.

185
00:09:30,209 --> 00:09:31,642
Oh, good to know.

186
00:09:31,811 --> 00:09:34,939
Circle the date on the calendar
so I'll know when to hang myself.

187
00:09:35,114 --> 00:09:38,777
Ha, ha, funny. It's because of you
Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore.

188
00:09:38,951 --> 00:09:42,182
Great. Tell me what I did
so I can do it to you.

189
00:09:42,354 --> 00:09:43,514
[SIGHS]

190
00:09:44,090 --> 00:09:46,957
You are such a... What are we up to?

191
00:09:47,126 --> 00:09:49,185
- V.
- Varmint.

192
00:09:49,628 --> 00:09:52,392
- You are a varmint.
- Yeah, well...

193
00:09:52,598 --> 00:09:54,498
...you are a vagina.

194
00:09:59,004 --> 00:10:02,531
- You're calling me a vagina?
- No, no, no. That's too good for you.

195
00:10:02,708 --> 00:10:03,902
ALAN:
Mm.

196
00:10:04,110 --> 00:10:08,672
What you are is vagina-adjacent.

197
00:10:10,716 --> 00:10:12,047
You know, for some women...

198
00:10:12,218 --> 00:10:15,415
...this could be considered
a hostile work environment.

199
00:10:19,258 --> 00:10:21,488
[SPORTS GAME PLAYING ON TV]

200
00:10:21,660 --> 00:10:23,491
Hey.

201
00:10:23,896 --> 00:10:26,228
Isn't it past your bedtime?

202
00:10:27,199 --> 00:10:29,895
I don't like to go to sleep angry.

203
00:10:30,069 --> 00:10:32,264
Try drinking more.

204
00:10:33,739 --> 00:10:34,831
What will that solve?

205
00:10:35,007 --> 00:10:37,237
Sobriety.

206
00:10:38,410 --> 00:10:39,604
We need to talk.

207
00:10:39,779 --> 00:10:44,375
Oh, good.
I was so worried we weren't gonna talk.

208
00:10:45,050 --> 00:10:46,108
I've been thinking.

209
00:10:46,285 --> 00:10:49,846
Maybe Jake not wanting to hang out here
does have something to do with us.

210
00:10:50,022 --> 00:10:52,718
- We have been fighting a lot lately.
- So?

211
00:10:52,892 --> 00:10:54,723
Don't you want him to feel comfortable?

212
00:10:54,894 --> 00:10:58,625
He farts at the dinner table. How much
more comfortable do we want him?

213
00:10:58,798 --> 00:11:01,266
If you and I don't figure out
a way to get along...

214
00:11:01,433 --> 00:11:03,401
...we might not see him anymore.

215
00:11:03,569 --> 00:11:05,537
And the downside is?

216
00:11:06,172 --> 00:11:08,140
Come on, tough guy,
you know you love him.

217
00:11:08,307 --> 00:11:09,467
Why don't you admit it?

218
00:11:09,675 --> 00:11:13,406
Okay, I love him.
Now go to your room and masturbate.

219
00:11:14,814 --> 00:11:16,008
[SIGHS]

220
00:11:17,716 --> 00:11:19,479
Already did, still can't sleep.

221
00:11:26,091 --> 00:11:30,118
My point is, we have to work out
our differences for the sake of the child.

222
00:11:32,498 --> 00:11:34,261
Are you out of your mind?

223
00:11:34,433 --> 00:11:37,231
If it weren't for Jake,
we could shake hands and walk away.

224
00:11:37,403 --> 00:11:40,964
After what you've been doing,
there'll be no shaking of hands.

225
00:11:42,842 --> 00:11:46,107
I keep Purell in my nightstand.
I'm not an animal.

226
00:11:47,847 --> 00:11:49,474
Where's this going, Alan?

227
00:11:49,915 --> 00:11:52,076
Well, I am glad you asked.

228
00:11:53,819 --> 00:11:55,309
<i>"A Blueprint for Love?"</i>

229
00:11:56,121 --> 00:11:58,749
It's a workbook Judith and I got
in couples counseling.

230
00:11:58,924 --> 00:12:02,189
The principles can be applied to any
human beings in a relationship.

231
00:12:02,361 --> 00:12:03,419
I see.

232
00:12:03,596 --> 00:12:07,498
You did this right before she kicked your ass
out and took everything you own?

233
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:12,628
The principles are sound.
Judith is an unreasonable bitch.

234
00:12:13,272 --> 00:12:19,336
Now, okay. The first exercise,
"Building a foundation of trust."

235
00:12:19,511 --> 00:12:22,969
So we each say three things we admire
about the other. I will go first.

236
00:12:23,148 --> 00:12:26,982
Um, I admire your sense of humor...

237
00:12:27,152 --> 00:12:30,815
...your generosity
and your devil-may-care attitude.

238
00:12:30,990 --> 00:12:33,015
- Thank you.
- Ha, ha.

239
00:12:33,192 --> 00:12:35,558
Now your turn.
Three things you admire about me.

240
00:12:40,399 --> 00:12:41,957
Three? Really?

241
00:12:44,670 --> 00:12:46,399
All right. Uh...

242
00:12:46,872 --> 00:12:48,499
I like that you think I'm funny.

243
00:12:48,674 --> 00:12:50,141
[LAUGHS]

244
00:12:50,309 --> 00:12:52,834
- Good one.
- Still counts, right?

245
00:12:54,914 --> 00:12:57,144
Sure. Two to go.

246
00:12:57,716 --> 00:13:00,378
- What did Judith put?
- No cheating.

247
00:13:02,187 --> 00:13:04,018
Okay, uh...

248
00:13:04,690 --> 00:13:06,885
You love your kid, which can't be easy.

249
00:13:10,062 --> 00:13:14,897
And you disinfect your hands
after you masturbate.

250
00:13:20,039 --> 00:13:21,700
Thank you.

251
00:13:22,441 --> 00:13:24,568
Now, that wasn't so difficult, was it?

252
00:13:24,743 --> 00:13:27,678
- Okay, next.
- There's more?

253
00:13:27,846 --> 00:13:30,747
- Have we healed our relationship?
- I'm good.

254
00:13:31,917 --> 00:13:34,715
Okay, "Three things you would change
about your partner...

255
00:13:34,887 --> 00:13:39,119
...and three things you would change
about yourself." This time you start.

256
00:13:39,325 --> 00:13:42,260
Why would I wanna change
anything about myself?

257
00:13:42,428 --> 00:13:43,452
You're kidding, right?

258
00:13:43,629 --> 00:13:46,928
- You think you're perfect?
- In my way.

259
00:13:47,099 --> 00:13:48,396
Oh, so you have no flaws?

260
00:13:49,535 --> 00:13:51,560
Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan.

261
00:13:53,372 --> 00:13:54,862
Or the butterfly.

262
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:58,271
All of God's creatures are perfect
just the way he made them.

263
00:13:59,445 --> 00:14:01,572
Except you. You suck.

264
00:14:03,115 --> 00:14:07,108
Okay. Okay, fine. Name three things
you would change about me.

265
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,985
Your personality, your wardrobe
and your address.

266
00:14:18,497 --> 00:14:19,589
Thank you.

267
00:14:20,966 --> 00:14:23,867
Your voice, your face and again,
your address.

268
00:14:25,738 --> 00:14:27,330
All right, heh. All right, all right.

269
00:14:27,506 --> 00:14:30,964
Your haircut, your fruity little workbook
and your address.

270
00:14:32,277 --> 00:14:34,472
Just... Just needed three.

271
00:14:34,646 --> 00:14:37,513
Oh, come on. We're healing.

272
00:14:38,117 --> 00:14:41,382
Your cheapness, your smug arrogance
and your address.

273
00:14:42,821 --> 00:14:44,686
I'm leaving.

274
00:14:45,157 --> 00:14:49,116
Hey, this thing really works.

275
00:14:56,902 --> 00:15:00,531
The way you chew your food,
the hair in your ears and your address.

276
00:15:01,540 --> 00:15:03,531
That stopped being funny a week ago.

277
00:15:04,710 --> 00:15:07,144
- Judges?
- Still funny.

278
00:15:09,181 --> 00:15:10,944
So where's the kid this weekend?

279
00:15:11,116 --> 00:15:14,950
- He's not coming, thanks to my brother.
- Thank you, Charlie.

280
00:15:16,455 --> 00:15:17,615
[SIGHS]

281
00:15:17,790 --> 00:15:20,953
Sure, lay it all on me.
Nothing's ever your fault.

282
00:15:21,126 --> 00:15:23,390
At least I was willing
to work on our problems.

283
00:15:23,562 --> 00:15:27,293
What, that stupid <i>Blueprint for Love?</i>
That was an excuse to try to change me.

284
00:15:27,466 --> 00:15:29,331
You knew who I was when you moved in.

285
00:15:29,501 --> 00:15:31,901
- Doesn't mean you can't grow.
- Why can't you grow?

286
00:15:32,071 --> 00:15:34,539
- Because you hold me back.
- Stop it.

287
00:15:34,706 --> 00:15:37,675
Can't you see
you're tearing this family apart?

288
00:15:42,548 --> 00:15:45,346
Ha. What a couple of mos.

289
00:15:46,652 --> 00:15:48,586
Can we at least establish ground rules...

290
00:15:48,754 --> 00:15:51,154
...about how we treat each other
in front of Jake?

291
00:15:51,957 --> 00:15:52,981
Like what?

292
00:15:53,158 --> 00:15:56,753
Like, if there's something bothering us
we wait and discuss it privately.

293
00:15:56,962 --> 00:15:58,589
- Fine.
- And no name-calling.

294
00:15:58,764 --> 00:15:59,890
- Done.
- And the sarcasm.

295
00:16:00,065 --> 00:16:03,034
While you and I know
our good-natured ribbing is in fun...

296
00:16:03,202 --> 00:16:05,670
...Jake might perceive it as hostile.
- I hate you.

297
00:16:05,838 --> 00:16:09,501
Exactly. If Jake heard you say that,
he'd think you really meant it.

298
00:16:09,675 --> 00:16:11,438
I do mean it. I hate you.

299
00:16:11,610 --> 00:16:13,771
Funny.
One of those things I admire about you.

300
00:16:13,979 --> 00:16:16,413
Come on,
we'll get dressed and go talk to Jake.

301
00:16:16,582 --> 00:16:19,050
Just thought of another thing
I'd change about you.

302
00:16:19,218 --> 00:16:20,276
Oh, yeah? What's that?

303
00:16:20,486 --> 00:16:23,512
Your inability to accept my hatred.

304
00:16:23,889 --> 00:16:26,483
And your address.

305
00:16:30,629 --> 00:16:31,687
Hey.

306
00:16:31,864 --> 00:16:33,957
He doesn't wanna
spend the weekend with you.

307
00:16:34,133 --> 00:16:36,294
- You heard her, Alan. Let's go.
- Oh, stop it.

308
00:16:36,502 --> 00:16:37,969
I'm serious, we don't need him.

309
00:16:38,137 --> 00:16:40,731
I can pick my nose
and wipe it on your car seat.

310
00:16:40,906 --> 00:16:43,739
- We'll talk to him. Where is he?
- In his room.

311
00:16:44,710 --> 00:16:47,873
Let me ask you something. How did you
convince Alan you hated him?

312
00:16:48,313 --> 00:16:49,746
- What?
- He won't believe me.

313
00:16:49,915 --> 00:16:50,939
ALAN:
Charlie.

314
00:16:51,116 --> 00:16:54,017
It's not like I can withhold sex
like you did.

315
00:16:54,186 --> 00:16:56,518
If you think of anything, text me.

316
00:16:57,823 --> 00:17:00,815
[TUNING GUITAR]

317
00:17:02,961 --> 00:17:05,930
Wow, you are getting pretty good.

318
00:17:06,565 --> 00:17:08,590
I'm just tuning it.

319
00:17:08,767 --> 00:17:11,167
Tune on, broheim.

320
00:17:13,338 --> 00:17:14,532
What are you doing here?

321
00:17:15,073 --> 00:17:19,305
Okay, first of all, your uncle and I
would like to apologize...

322
00:17:19,478 --> 00:17:20,672
...for our behavior last week.

323
00:17:20,846 --> 00:17:23,974
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I've got nothing to apologize for.

324
00:17:24,316 --> 00:17:26,784
So you've been perfect
through this whole thing?

325
00:17:26,952 --> 00:17:28,749
What can I tell you? I'm a hummingbird.

326
00:17:28,921 --> 00:17:30,115
[ALAN SIGHS]

327
00:17:30,289 --> 00:17:33,588
- Shut up, Charlie.
- I hate you and you were adopted.

328
00:17:37,196 --> 00:17:38,663
Your uncle and I understand...

329
00:17:38,830 --> 00:17:40,991
...that we might have made you
uncomfortable.

330
00:17:41,166 --> 00:17:45,000
And we want you to know that we're
gonna make a real effort to change.

331
00:17:45,437 --> 00:17:47,962
When are you planning to start?

332
00:17:48,173 --> 00:17:50,437
- Right now. Right, Charlie?
- Yeah, sure.

333
00:17:50,609 --> 00:17:53,077
- So you guys will stop fighting so much?
- Yes.

334
00:17:53,278 --> 00:17:56,941
- And you won't embarrass me in public?
- When did we embarrass you in public?

335
00:17:57,115 --> 00:17:58,946
Come on, you embarrass him constantly.

336
00:17:59,117 --> 00:18:01,449
- And you don't?
- Hey, I'm the colorful uncle.

337
00:18:01,620 --> 00:18:04,453
One day, he'll be telling his kids
funny stories about me.

338
00:18:04,623 --> 00:18:08,889
- He'll be telling stories about me too.
- Yeah, to his court-appointed psychiatrist.

339
00:18:10,095 --> 00:18:13,292
- You have got a cruel streak that is ugly.
- Wanna know what's ugly?

340
00:18:13,465 --> 00:18:14,989
The schmuck who lives in my guestroom.

341
00:18:15,167 --> 00:18:20,195
Heh. At least I am not an aging pretty boy
clinging onto the last dregs of his youth.

342
00:18:20,372 --> 00:18:22,966
What are you saying,
I'm losing my looks?

343
00:18:23,976 --> 00:18:26,376
Oh, now you're worried.
Let me tell you something.

344
00:18:26,545 --> 00:18:27,978
Looks is all you've ever had.

345
00:18:28,146 --> 00:18:31,172
No heart, no soul,
no depth of character whatsoever.

346
00:18:31,350 --> 00:18:33,716
Come on, be honest.
Which would you rather have?

347
00:18:33,885 --> 00:18:36,376
My looks or those other three things?

348
00:18:36,555 --> 00:18:39,217
You know what? Bite me.

349
00:18:39,391 --> 00:18:41,985
I can't believe you actually bit me.

350
00:18:42,261 --> 00:18:45,059
Wait, wait.
I thought you were gonna talk to him.

351
00:18:45,230 --> 00:18:46,857
We did. He's still upset with us.

352
00:18:47,032 --> 00:18:49,592
You know teenagers,
you just can't reason with them.

353
00:18:49,768 --> 00:18:52,328
Oh, really? Wait right here.

354
00:18:54,072 --> 00:18:57,940
JUDITH: I don't give a damn. Weekends
are the only peace I get around here.

355
00:18:58,143 --> 00:19:00,771
They're both losers. Deal with it.

356
00:19:00,946 --> 00:19:04,438
Now get your ass up
and go with your father!

357
00:19:06,385 --> 00:19:08,353
I'm driving.

358
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:09,680
I call shotgun.

359
00:19:09,855 --> 00:19:13,586
- Shotgun? What are you, a child?
- Me a child? You just bit me.

360
00:19:13,759 --> 00:19:14,783
[ENGINE REVVING]

361
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,588
Hey, don't rev it. You're wasting gas.

362
00:19:17,763 --> 00:19:20,254
- Hey. Hey, come back here.
- Hey.

363
00:19:20,432 --> 00:19:23,959
Is he waving
or did he just give us the finger?

364
00:19:24,236 --> 00:19:28,673
Both hands on the wheel, 10 and 2!

365
00:19:37,115 --> 00:19:38,173
[ALAN GRUNTS]

366
00:19:38,350 --> 00:19:41,046
[SLURRING]
Okay. Okay, that completes...

367
00:19:41,219 --> 00:19:45,087
...the "how to disagree
in a loving way" section.

368
00:19:45,257 --> 00:19:47,748
[SLURRING]
I think we did very well.

369
00:19:48,927 --> 00:19:52,158
I disagree but in a loving way.

370
00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:57,294
Okay, okay, next. Um...

371
00:19:57,469 --> 00:20:00,131
- Things we have in common.
- Oh, oh, oh.

372
00:20:00,305 --> 00:20:01,966
Charlie.

373
00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:05,576
- Same last name, same last name.
- Oh, very nice. Very nice.

374
00:20:05,744 --> 00:20:06,768
[CHARLIE GRUNTS]

375
00:20:06,945 --> 00:20:09,277
- Drink?
- Yes, I am.

376
00:20:15,253 --> 00:20:16,277
[ALAN GRUNTS]

377
00:20:16,455 --> 00:20:20,516
Okay. Things we have in common.
Things we have in common. Uh...

378
00:20:20,692 --> 00:20:22,353
Mom. We both have the same mother.

379
00:20:22,527 --> 00:20:25,018
No, no, no. You're adopted.

380
00:20:25,197 --> 00:20:26,255
Oh.

381
00:20:26,431 --> 00:20:28,592
Right, right, right.

382
00:20:28,767 --> 00:20:32,533
Okay, let's see. Let's see.
What do we have in common? Uh...

383
00:20:32,704 --> 00:20:34,695
Oh, oh. Oh, here's one.

384
00:20:34,873 --> 00:20:39,810
Um, we both feel unworthy of love
and battle homosexual panic.

385
00:20:47,219 --> 00:20:49,016
Maybe that's just me.

386
00:20:50,789 --> 00:20:52,450
- Maybe.
- Mm.

387
00:20:52,858 --> 00:20:54,883
Okay, okay. Here's one, here's one.

388
00:20:55,060 --> 00:20:56,960
We both love Jake.

389
00:20:57,129 --> 00:20:59,063
- Oh, Jake.
- Mm.

390
00:20:59,231 --> 00:21:01,324
Yeah, I love him.

391
00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:04,367
Where is the little fartmeister?

392
00:21:04,669 --> 00:21:06,466
I think he's sleeping.

393
00:21:06,638 --> 00:21:10,130
- Oh, he needs to know we love him.
- You're right.

394
00:21:10,308 --> 00:21:12,401
You're right. We don't tell him enough.

395
00:21:12,577 --> 00:21:16,343
Come on, let's go wake him up
and tell him we love him.

396
00:21:16,515 --> 00:21:18,949
Mm, good idea, good idea.

397
00:21:20,385 --> 00:21:22,717
Jake!

398
00:21:24,022 --> 00:21:26,889
Guess who loves you!

399
00:21:53,852 --> 00:21:55,843
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]