1
00:00:02,809 --> 00:00:04,936
MAN [ON TV]:
Call now. Operators are standing by.
2
00:00:05,111 --> 00:00:06,510
Oh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
3
00:00:06,679 --> 00:00:07,839
What are you doing?
4
00:00:08,014 --> 00:00:09,140
I'm calling them.
5
00:00:09,315 --> 00:00:12,807
Don't you wanna be able to scramble
an egg while it's still in the shell?
6
00:00:15,855 --> 00:00:17,823
Okay, new rule:
7
00:00:17,991 --> 00:00:20,824
You can't drink
while we watch cable television.
8
00:00:20,994 --> 00:00:25,556
You won't say that when you get
a blanket with sleeves for Christmas.
9
00:00:30,570 --> 00:00:32,060
Hi, Jake.
10
00:00:32,238 --> 00:00:33,398
[GRUNTS]
11
00:00:34,974 --> 00:00:37,101
Can I offer you some fruit and cheese?
12
00:00:37,277 --> 00:00:38,642
You can, but I won't eat it.
13
00:00:38,811 --> 00:00:41,041
Oh, okay.
14
00:00:41,414 --> 00:00:43,814
So, what's new? How's your girlfriend?
15
00:00:43,983 --> 00:00:45,951
That's kind of personal, isn't it?
16
00:00:47,086 --> 00:00:48,951
Sorry, I'm just curious.
17
00:00:49,122 --> 00:00:50,749
Why, you writing a book?
18
00:00:52,492 --> 00:00:56,451
Yeah, it's called
The Day Jake's Uncle Kicked His Ass.
19
00:00:56,629 --> 00:00:58,563
Whatever.
20
00:00:58,731 --> 00:01:02,428
Oh, no, don't go.
We so enjoy your company.
21
00:01:04,370 --> 00:01:05,735
Did I do something wrong?
22
00:01:05,905 --> 00:01:08,396
Yeah, you anthropomorphized him.
23
00:01:09,242 --> 00:01:10,539
What?
24
00:01:10,710 --> 00:01:13,508
It means treating something
that's not human as if it is.
25
00:01:14,847 --> 00:01:16,610
You know, like you do with your cat.
26
00:01:16,783 --> 00:01:19,183
Which, frankly, makes more sense.
27
00:01:19,352 --> 00:01:23,015
- I'm starting to think Jake resents me.
- See? You're still doing it.
28
00:01:23,189 --> 00:01:26,818
Look, you can't take it personal,
he's a teenager.
29
00:01:26,993 --> 00:01:30,793
You know, that awkward stage between
junior high and methadone clinic.
30
00:01:31,831 --> 00:01:33,594
I just wanna get to know him better.
31
00:01:33,766 --> 00:01:36,667
I already know him.
Trust me, you're not missing anything.
32
00:01:36,836 --> 00:01:40,135
Come on. There's gotta be something
underneath that sullen exterior.
33
00:01:40,306 --> 00:01:43,537
Yeah, a D student with a perpetual boner.
34
00:01:46,279 --> 00:01:48,008
Oh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
35
00:01:48,181 --> 00:01:50,479
Ginsu knives.
36
00:01:51,351 --> 00:01:53,012
DAVE PEVERETT [SINGING ON RADIO]:
Slow ride
37
00:01:53,186 --> 00:01:54,210
[ALAN CHUCKLES]
38
00:01:54,387 --> 00:01:57,879
- Kind of like high school, huh?
- I never did this in high school.
39
00:01:58,057 --> 00:01:59,615
Really? Sex in a car?
40
00:01:59,792 --> 00:02:01,191
You're kind of built for it.
41
00:02:01,361 --> 00:02:02,623
[CHUCKLES]
42
00:02:03,997 --> 00:02:05,021
MELISSA: Oh.
- Hmm?
43
00:02:05,198 --> 00:02:06,495
MELISSA:
What the heck is this?
44
00:02:06,666 --> 00:02:10,466
Oh. Oh, Jake's retainer.
He lost this years ago.
45
00:02:10,637 --> 00:02:12,696
This cost me like $500.
46
00:02:13,506 --> 00:02:14,905
Anyway.
47
00:02:15,074 --> 00:02:18,373
- No, this is not working for me.
- You want another wine cooler?
48
00:02:18,578 --> 00:02:21,274
- I wanna be in a real bed.
- What do you want me to do?
49
00:02:21,447 --> 00:02:22,744
You won't stay at Charlie's.
50
00:02:22,915 --> 00:02:26,146
How can I go back there
after his fiancée called me a tramp?
51
00:02:26,319 --> 00:02:30,380
She didn't mean it. That was just when
she found out you'd slept with Charlie.
52
00:02:30,556 --> 00:02:33,354
- It doesn't bother you, does it?
- Well, yeah, yeah, a bit.
53
00:02:33,526 --> 00:02:36,518
You know, but, you know,
beggars can't be choosers.
54
00:02:37,230 --> 00:02:39,255
And I love you.
55
00:02:41,034 --> 00:02:43,264
No, not here.
56
00:02:43,436 --> 00:02:45,996
Then where?
I'd be happy to go back to your place...
57
00:02:46,172 --> 00:02:49,164
...if you could get past that little incident
with your mother.
58
00:02:49,342 --> 00:02:52,368
Little incident?
I caught you in bed with her.
59
00:02:52,545 --> 00:02:55,571
Boy, you are just gonna keep
harping on that, aren't you?
60
00:02:56,115 --> 00:02:57,673
Why don't we just go to a hotel?
61
00:02:58,184 --> 00:03:00,709
Well, we could,
but wouldn't that feel kind of cheap?
62
00:03:01,220 --> 00:03:03,313
I'll tell you what feels kind of cheap,
you.
63
00:03:03,489 --> 00:03:05,480
- What are you doing?
- Getting out of here.
64
00:03:05,658 --> 00:03:08,092
- What, you're gonna walk home?
- It's not far, Alan.
65
00:03:08,261 --> 00:03:10,923
You didn't wanna waste the gas,
remember?
66
00:03:11,531 --> 00:03:13,692
- Pardon me for being green.
- Ugh. Goodbye.
67
00:03:13,866 --> 00:03:16,562
Oh, come on, Melissa.
Let's not ruin a beautiful evening.
68
00:03:16,736 --> 00:03:20,035
I already broke the seal
on the condom.
69
00:03:20,206 --> 00:03:22,231
All right, all right, all right.
70
00:03:22,408 --> 00:03:23,705
You win. You win.
71
00:03:23,876 --> 00:03:26,538
I'll take you to a cheap motel.
72
00:03:27,347 --> 00:03:30,646
[SIREN WAILING]
73
00:03:30,817 --> 00:03:31,909
Oh, great.
74
00:03:32,085 --> 00:03:35,577
POLICEMAN [OVER MEGAPHONE]:
Stand and put your hands behind your head.
75
00:03:35,755 --> 00:03:37,017
[STAMMERS]
I can explain.
76
00:03:37,190 --> 00:03:39,454
POLICEMAN:
Hands behind your head!
77
00:03:40,860 --> 00:03:42,521
This is not what it looks like.
78
00:03:42,695 --> 00:03:46,563
I was just chasing this girl
who jumped out of my car...
79
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,729
Oh.
80
00:04:17,230 --> 00:04:20,893
[PLAYING "SMOKE ON THE WATER"]
81
00:04:25,805 --> 00:04:27,602
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
82
00:04:30,243 --> 00:04:32,609
- You got a minute?
- I'm practicing.
83
00:04:33,413 --> 00:04:35,677
Yeah, well, take a pause for the cause.
84
00:04:35,882 --> 00:04:37,315
What?
85
00:04:37,817 --> 00:04:40,115
- Take five.
- Five what?
86
00:04:41,521 --> 00:04:43,887
Just shut up and listen to me.
87
00:04:45,892 --> 00:04:47,951
- You have a problem with Chelsea?
- No.
88
00:04:48,127 --> 00:04:50,322
- So, what's with the attitude?
- What attitude?
89
00:04:50,496 --> 00:04:53,624
I just don't consider fruit and cheese
an acceptable snack.
90
00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:55,725
I don't care. You were rude.
91
00:04:55,902 --> 00:04:59,030
- Kettle corn, that's a snack.
- That's not the point.
92
00:04:59,205 --> 00:05:01,639
Nachos, that's a proper use of cheese.
93
00:05:01,808 --> 00:05:03,469
All right. All right, listen to me.
94
00:05:03,643 --> 00:05:07,238
You're hurting Chelsea's feelings.
I need you to make an effort to be nicer.
95
00:05:07,413 --> 00:05:10,678
Hey, it's not my problem
if your girlfriend's oversensitive.
96
00:05:10,850 --> 00:05:12,715
Yeah, it kind of is.
97
00:05:12,919 --> 00:05:15,683
If you guys can't get along,
then one of you has gotta go.
98
00:05:15,855 --> 00:05:19,018
- Guess who that's gonna be.
- Why, just because you sleep with her?
99
00:05:19,192 --> 00:05:22,025
Good for you.
Why do people think you're stupid?
100
00:05:23,296 --> 00:05:26,322
Because of my grades.
Actually, I'm an underachiever.
101
00:05:30,503 --> 00:05:33,165
- Just be nice to Chelsea, all right?
- Fine.
102
00:05:35,641 --> 00:05:38,804
[PLAYING ROCK RIFF]
103
00:05:46,853 --> 00:05:49,515
Well, that was uncalled for.
104
00:05:51,524 --> 00:05:54,220
Just FYI, your son's a moron.
105
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:57,695
- No, he's an underachiever.
- Where have you been?
106
00:05:57,864 --> 00:05:59,832
- Had a date with Melissa.
- How did it go?
107
00:05:59,999 --> 00:06:03,662
She broke up with me, and I may
have to register as a sex offender.
108
00:06:04,837 --> 00:06:06,270
Well, as long as you had fun.
109
00:06:06,439 --> 00:06:09,772
Do you have any idea how difficult
it is to maintain a relationship...
110
00:06:09,976 --> 00:06:11,443
...when you don't have a place?
111
00:06:11,611 --> 00:06:14,444
If I didn't have a place of my own,
I'd be worried about...
112
00:06:14,614 --> 00:06:16,775
...more important things
than a relationship.
113
00:06:16,983 --> 00:06:19,952
Like, you know,
getting a place of my own.
114
00:06:20,486 --> 00:06:23,512
So you're saying
I'm not entitled to a relationship?
115
00:06:24,223 --> 00:06:25,349
No.
116
00:06:25,525 --> 00:06:29,757
I'm saying if you can't afford dog food,
you don't get a dog.
117
00:06:30,263 --> 00:06:32,493
Oh, great.
So I'm just supposed to be alone?
118
00:06:32,665 --> 00:06:35,634
No, you're supposed to get
your own freaking place.
119
00:06:38,404 --> 00:06:41,567
Just because you keep saying it
doesn't mean it's gonna happen.
120
00:06:46,379 --> 00:06:47,869
How's the French toast, Jake?
121
00:06:48,047 --> 00:06:51,210
It's bread dipped in eggs,
you can't really screw it up.
122
00:06:53,519 --> 00:06:54,577
It's fine.
123
00:06:57,023 --> 00:07:01,289
It's the best damn French toast
I've ever had in my whole frigging life.
124
00:07:01,460 --> 00:07:03,758
Now stop kicking me.
125
00:07:04,597 --> 00:07:07,532
- Okay, guys, I'll see you later.
- You're working on a Sunday?
126
00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:10,100
Well, kind of. Since my brother and I...
127
00:07:10,269 --> 00:07:13,170
...are both extremely anxious for me
to get my own place...
128
00:07:13,339 --> 00:07:15,739
Me, because I'd like
a sense of autonomy...
129
00:07:15,908 --> 00:07:18,638
...and him, because he's a spiteful turd.
130
00:07:19,378 --> 00:07:21,778
- I have found a way
to earn some extra money.
131
00:07:21,948 --> 00:07:24,610
Great. Put me down
for three boxes of Thin Mints...
132
00:07:24,784 --> 00:07:26,445
...and some Peanut Butter Sandies.
133
00:07:28,020 --> 00:07:30,716
Oh. Girl Scout Cookies?
I like those Samoas.
134
00:07:31,657 --> 00:07:34,820
- I'm not selling cookies, Jake.
- Oh.
135
00:07:34,994 --> 00:07:38,054
Then what are you selling?
Better not be your liver. I got dibs.
136
00:07:39,265 --> 00:07:42,291
EVELYN:
Hello? Where is my new assistant?
137
00:07:43,502 --> 00:07:45,299
Oh, you didn't.
138
00:07:45,471 --> 00:07:47,462
Morning, all. Here, darling, put this on.
139
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:49,198
Oh, snazzy. Do I get to keep it?
140
00:07:49,375 --> 00:07:52,401
No. But if this works out,
I'll sell it to you at cost.
141
00:07:54,013 --> 00:07:56,573
- You're working for Mom?
- What else am I supposed to do?
142
00:07:56,749 --> 00:07:59,718
I don't know, some job
that lets you keep your self-respect.
143
00:07:59,885 --> 00:08:01,819
Like, you know, man whore...
144
00:08:03,723 --> 00:08:04,985
...dog dewormer...
145
00:08:06,425 --> 00:08:09,087
...outhouse inspector.
- Morning, Charlie.
146
00:08:09,261 --> 00:08:12,822
Hey, Mom, how are you?
Laxative tester, horse inseminator.
147
00:08:13,466 --> 00:08:16,765
I'm gonna work with Mom and she's
gonna give me a piece of the action.
148
00:08:16,936 --> 00:08:20,531
No, I said having an assistant
would give me a little peace...
149
00:08:20,706 --> 00:08:23,174
...so I could get some action.
150
00:08:27,413 --> 00:08:28,437
[SIGHS]
151
00:08:28,614 --> 00:08:29,842
Well, whatever, it's a start.
152
00:08:30,016 --> 00:08:33,383
- Let's go.
- No, dear, I say "let's go."
153
00:08:33,853 --> 00:08:36,048
- Oh. Oh, okay.
- Let's go.
154
00:08:36,222 --> 00:08:38,622
Oh, stop. Take my bag.
155
00:08:39,358 --> 00:08:41,189
Now let's go.
156
00:08:42,895 --> 00:08:44,590
This is gonna be fun.
157
00:08:46,732 --> 00:08:48,666
Okay, I'm done.
158
00:08:50,770 --> 00:08:51,964
He didn't say thank you.
159
00:08:52,772 --> 00:08:54,933
He's leaving the room,
we should thank him.
160
00:08:58,711 --> 00:09:03,410
Jake, come back in here
and say thank you to Chelsea.
161
00:09:07,353 --> 00:09:09,844
Jake, I'm warning you.
162
00:09:11,691 --> 00:09:13,591
Jake!
163
00:09:17,296 --> 00:09:19,560
Thank you, Chelsea.
164
00:09:24,403 --> 00:09:26,871
Now, was that so hard?
165
00:09:31,010 --> 00:09:33,774
Oh. Welcome. Welcome.
Please sign in, take a flier.
166
00:09:33,946 --> 00:09:36,779
- There's juice and cookies in the kitchen.
MAN: Thank you.
167
00:09:36,949 --> 00:09:40,612
I know, you think you'd never use
a bidet, but trust me...
168
00:09:40,786 --> 00:09:44,950
...once you do,
you'll never go back to just wiping.
169
00:09:46,058 --> 00:09:49,926
Anyway, if you're not ready to buy,
the owners are willing to lease.
170
00:09:50,096 --> 00:09:51,154
Thank you.
171
00:09:52,798 --> 00:09:56,256
You're very welcome. Thanks for coming.
172
00:09:56,435 --> 00:09:59,768
Oh, the rat bastards
live right across the street.
173
00:10:01,307 --> 00:10:03,468
They probably just came
for the free cookies.
174
00:10:04,777 --> 00:10:06,768
Uh, Mom, I have to go to the bathroom.
175
00:10:06,946 --> 00:10:09,107
Number one or number two?
176
00:10:09,281 --> 00:10:11,181
What difference does it make?
177
00:10:11,350 --> 00:10:13,511
Alan, I'm trying to sell a house here.
178
00:10:13,719 --> 00:10:17,280
Warm cookie smell, good.
Hot poop smell, bad.
179
00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:22,116
- I'll wait.
- You're damn right you'll wait.
180
00:10:22,294 --> 00:10:24,785
So the people who own this
live mostly in New York?
181
00:10:24,964 --> 00:10:28,491
Have homes all over the place. Probably
don't remember they have this one.
182
00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:29,998
Hardly seems fair.
183
00:10:30,169 --> 00:10:32,069
You want fair, go live on a kibbutz.
184
00:10:32,938 --> 00:10:34,030
Funny.
185
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,731
How does that work exactly?
Do you have to be Jewish?
186
00:10:37,510 --> 00:10:40,035
Oh. Uh, welcome, welcome.
Please sign in.
187
00:10:40,246 --> 00:10:42,476
There's juice and cookies in the kitchen.
188
00:10:42,648 --> 00:10:44,240
[ALAN FARTS]
189
00:10:51,290 --> 00:10:53,281
Loose floorboard.
190
00:10:57,196 --> 00:10:58,356
Okay.
191
00:10:58,531 --> 00:11:00,726
We need to talk
about your kid and my fiancée.
192
00:11:00,900 --> 00:11:04,961
I already talked to him and he promised
to stay out of her underwear drawer.
193
00:11:05,304 --> 00:11:06,862
What?
194
00:11:07,473 --> 00:11:10,271
Not that he ever went into it.
Just a precaution.
195
00:11:11,877 --> 00:11:13,208
I don't think you realize...
196
00:11:13,379 --> 00:11:16,212
I would love to have this conversation,
but I gotta work.
197
00:11:16,382 --> 00:11:18,145
- It's 9:00.
- Tell that to our mother.
198
00:11:18,317 --> 00:11:21,514
People wanna see a house at night,
guess who has to show the house.
199
00:11:21,687 --> 00:11:24,178
Well, fine, at least
take the rhesus monkey with you.
200
00:11:24,356 --> 00:11:26,916
Heh, oh, yeah. Nothing sells
a multimillion-dollar home...
201
00:11:27,092 --> 00:11:30,493
...more than a 15-year-old boy
with greasy hair and BO.
202
00:11:31,297 --> 00:11:35,028
Okay, let him stand on the lawn
in a jockey costume, holding a lantern.
203
00:11:35,201 --> 00:11:39,103
You're the one who said I needed to get
my own place. This is what I gotta do.
204
00:11:39,305 --> 00:11:40,567
You don't fool me.
205
00:11:40,739 --> 00:11:43,435
You're never leaving. Never.
206
00:11:45,211 --> 00:11:46,508
That's it.
207
00:11:46,679 --> 00:11:48,943
I'm done trying with that kid.
208
00:11:52,351 --> 00:11:53,750
[SIGHS]
209
00:11:53,919 --> 00:11:57,116
When did my life turn into
Leave It to Beaver?
210
00:11:59,592 --> 00:12:02,561
It was more fun
when it was Leave It to Beaver.
211
00:12:03,729 --> 00:12:05,822
Okay, numbnuts,
what did you say to Chelsea?
212
00:12:05,998 --> 00:12:07,966
- Nothing.
- Then why is she so upset?
213
00:12:08,133 --> 00:12:09,964
I don't know. Maybe it's her period.
214
00:12:10,135 --> 00:12:12,330
She says it wasn't,
but I don't believe her.
215
00:12:23,215 --> 00:12:24,876
[DOORBELL RINGS]
216
00:12:33,592 --> 00:12:36,459
Welcome to our love nest,
my tiny sparrow.
217
00:12:44,837 --> 00:12:46,668
This is unbelievable.
218
00:12:46,839 --> 00:12:48,238
How can you afford it?
219
00:12:48,407 --> 00:12:51,171
Well, I didn't buy it, of course.
I'm renting.
220
00:12:51,343 --> 00:12:54,676
I don't get it. Just the other day
we were gonna do it in your car...
221
00:12:54,847 --> 00:12:57,873
...because you didn't wanna shell out
$59 for a hotel room.
222
00:12:58,050 --> 00:13:01,542
It was 69, but this is different.
223
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,848
I get a tax break on it.
You know, the home office.
224
00:13:05,024 --> 00:13:07,390
So you've moved out of
your brother's house?
225
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:10,654
Uh, well, not quite yet.
This is just a pied-à-terre.
226
00:13:10,829 --> 00:13:14,390
Besides, I might flip it
and move up to something a little bigger.
227
00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:16,034
But you said you're renting.
228
00:13:17,236 --> 00:13:21,764
Yes, yes.
I'm renting with, uh, an option to flip.
229
00:13:23,409 --> 00:13:26,503
But let's not talk money...
230
00:13:26,679 --> 00:13:27,805
...let's talk love.
231
00:13:31,350 --> 00:13:32,942
Shall we go try out the bed?
232
00:13:33,652 --> 00:13:37,281
[STAMMERS]
The bed? With the sheets?
233
00:13:37,456 --> 00:13:40,289
Uh... Beds are so bourgeois,
don't you think?
234
00:13:40,793 --> 00:13:42,784
Oh, Alan. The couch?
235
00:13:43,228 --> 00:13:47,688
Uh, actually, I was thinking right here...
236
00:13:47,866 --> 00:13:49,390
...in front of the fireplace...
237
00:13:50,235 --> 00:13:52,465
...on this beach towel.
238
00:13:56,775 --> 00:13:59,209
Come on, I was trying to be nice.
239
00:13:59,378 --> 00:14:02,108
By asking her if she was on her period?
240
00:14:02,281 --> 00:14:04,943
JAKE: I was taking an interest.
- You're an idiot.
241
00:14:05,117 --> 00:14:08,314
JAKE: Why are you making it personal?
I'm not making it personal.
242
00:14:10,689 --> 00:14:14,489
Okay, here's the deal. You two are gonna
stay in here and work this thing out...
243
00:14:14,693 --> 00:14:17,526
...until you're either getting along
or one of you is dead.
244
00:14:18,063 --> 00:14:19,928
FYI, she can kick your ass.
245
00:14:22,001 --> 00:14:23,434
Have fun.
246
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:31,300
- Hey.
- Hey.
247
00:14:33,078 --> 00:14:36,138
So I guess you owe me an apology.
248
00:14:41,153 --> 00:14:42,780
- Wow.
- Ha, ha.
249
00:14:42,955 --> 00:14:45,480
I've never seen you so forceful and virile.
250
00:14:45,658 --> 00:14:47,250
Oh, thank you, thank you.
251
00:14:47,426 --> 00:14:49,257
You were wonderful too.
252
00:14:49,428 --> 00:14:51,794
You're still on the towel, right?
253
00:14:52,965 --> 00:14:54,023
You know what I think?
254
00:14:54,199 --> 00:14:57,794
Finally making love in a place of our own
has given you more confidence.
255
00:14:57,970 --> 00:15:02,134
Well, truth be told,
I do feel kind of cocky, ha, ha.
256
00:15:02,307 --> 00:15:03,831
No pun intended. Ha, ha.
257
00:15:04,009 --> 00:15:05,670
- Oh, it is so intended.
- You got me.
258
00:15:05,844 --> 00:15:06,868
[BOTH LAUGH]
259
00:15:07,046 --> 00:15:09,606
Yes, I do. Mm.
260
00:15:11,517 --> 00:15:14,452
I wanna make love to you
in every room in this house.
261
00:15:14,620 --> 00:15:18,181
I don't see any reason why not,
as long as we bring the towel.
262
00:15:19,758 --> 00:15:22,386
Of course, we're gonna have to wait
about a half-hour...
263
00:15:22,561 --> 00:15:26,691
...give my erectile medication a chance
to overcome my antidepressants.
264
00:15:27,833 --> 00:15:29,824
You're a complicated man, Alan Harper.
265
00:15:30,335 --> 00:15:32,064
And I've got the medicine chest
to prove it.
266
00:15:32,237 --> 00:15:33,864
[GIGGLES THEN GASPS]
267
00:15:34,373 --> 00:15:37,672
- Whoopsie.
- Oh, damn it.
268
00:15:37,843 --> 00:15:38,867
Uh, sorry.
269
00:15:39,044 --> 00:15:41,342
Aah. Sorry doesn't get out the stain.
270
00:15:41,513 --> 00:15:43,845
- Don't you have any club soda?
- How would I know?
271
00:15:44,016 --> 00:15:46,177
Don't rub! Blot, blot, blot!
272
00:15:46,351 --> 00:15:48,581
- Stop yelling at me.
- Just get out of the way.
273
00:15:48,787 --> 00:15:51,119
- What is wrong with you?
- Well, nothing, I ju...
274
00:15:51,290 --> 00:15:53,383
[ALAN SCREAMS]
275
00:15:54,893 --> 00:15:56,155
That's your whoopsie.
276
00:15:56,328 --> 00:15:57,522
[ALAN PANTING]
277
00:15:57,696 --> 00:15:58,924
My mother's gonna kill me.
278
00:15:59,098 --> 00:16:01,066
What does your mother
have to do with it?
279
00:16:01,233 --> 00:16:04,293
Are you kidding?
She doesn't even let me poop here.
280
00:16:10,375 --> 00:16:12,343
Hey, so how did everything work out?
281
00:16:12,878 --> 00:16:13,936
Sit down, Charlie.
282
00:16:15,180 --> 00:16:17,648
- Why?
- Just sit.
283
00:16:19,384 --> 00:16:21,011
Okay.
284
00:16:22,855 --> 00:16:24,322
What's going on?
285
00:16:24,490 --> 00:16:26,788
We figured out
what the problem is between us.
286
00:16:26,959 --> 00:16:28,256
Great. What is it?
287
00:16:28,427 --> 00:16:29,951
You.
288
00:16:30,129 --> 00:16:32,063
Well, this ought to be good.
289
00:16:32,698 --> 00:16:34,928
You told Jake
that he should be nice to me...
290
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:36,727
...because I was oversensitive?
291
00:16:37,569 --> 00:16:40,732
Well, I don't know
that I said those actual words.
292
00:16:40,906 --> 00:16:44,740
And you called me a D student
with a perpetual you-know-what.
293
00:16:44,910 --> 00:16:46,605
Boner.
294
00:16:46,779 --> 00:16:48,406
Yeah, those were my actual words.
295
00:16:49,715 --> 00:16:51,774
Charlie, don't you see
how you're the one...
296
00:16:51,950 --> 00:16:54,441
...who's been driving a wedge
between us?
297
00:16:54,620 --> 00:16:56,451
No, not really.
298
00:16:56,622 --> 00:16:58,089
I told you he wouldn't get it.
299
00:16:59,424 --> 00:17:01,654
Hang on a second, hang on.
300
00:17:01,860 --> 00:17:04,761
You're blaming me because you two
can't get along and now...
301
00:17:07,299 --> 00:17:08,630
You're right.
302
00:17:08,801 --> 00:17:09,893
You're right.
303
00:17:10,068 --> 00:17:11,228
I'm the problem.
304
00:17:11,403 --> 00:17:13,803
I am so sorry. It won't ever happen again.
305
00:17:14,606 --> 00:17:16,904
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
306
00:17:24,316 --> 00:17:26,341
"Perpetual" means pointy, right?
307
00:17:30,923 --> 00:17:33,289
[GRUNTING]
308
00:17:33,458 --> 00:17:37,087
Okay, I think I got it all out.
309
00:17:37,763 --> 00:17:38,787
You didn't have to yell.
310
00:17:38,964 --> 00:17:39,988
[ALAN SIGHS]
311
00:17:40,165 --> 00:17:42,895
I know, I'm sorry.
I don't know what got into me.
312
00:17:43,435 --> 00:17:45,835
- It was just an accident.
- I know.
313
00:17:46,004 --> 00:17:47,494
You hurt my feelings.
314
00:17:48,407 --> 00:17:50,967
Again, I am so sorry.
315
00:17:53,212 --> 00:17:54,804
Come here.
316
00:17:57,216 --> 00:17:58,547
[CLICKS TONGUE]
317
00:18:07,226 --> 00:18:08,750
[LOCK CLICKS]
318
00:18:08,927 --> 00:18:14,194
Now wait till you see the panoramic city
to ocean views at night.
319
00:18:20,439 --> 00:18:21,463
Why are we running?
320
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,904
- Remember I told you I rented this house?
- Yeah.
321
00:18:24,076 --> 00:18:25,100
I lied.
322
00:18:25,277 --> 00:18:27,768
[SIREN WAILING]
323
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,710
Oh, no, not again.
324
00:18:31,316 --> 00:18:33,841
Okay, okay. Just let me do the talking.
325
00:18:34,987 --> 00:18:36,682
Melissa?
326
00:18:36,855 --> 00:18:38,914
POLICEMAN [OVER MEGAPHONE]:
Get down on your knees...
327
00:18:39,091 --> 00:18:41,821
...and put your hands behind your head.
328
00:18:41,994 --> 00:18:47,091
Uh, okay, okay.
First of all, let me explain the erection.
329
00:19:08,420 --> 00:19:09,944
What's going on?
330
00:19:10,889 --> 00:19:11,913
Not much.
331
00:19:12,457 --> 00:19:13,685
Where's Jake and Chelsea?
332
00:19:14,426 --> 00:19:16,087
They went to the movies together.
333
00:19:16,261 --> 00:19:17,660
Oh, how nice.
334
00:19:18,463 --> 00:19:22,024
- Yep. Life is good.
- Mm.
335
00:19:23,168 --> 00:19:24,692
So did you sell that house?
336
00:19:25,437 --> 00:19:26,597
Uh, no.
337
00:19:26,772 --> 00:19:29,172
Actually, I'm not working
for Mom anymore.
338
00:19:29,708 --> 00:19:30,766
You quit?
339
00:19:32,344 --> 00:19:33,606
Yeah, let's say that.
340
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:37,771
And while we're at it,
let's say I dumped Melissa...
341
00:19:37,949 --> 00:19:40,884
...and decided she never wants
to see me again as long as she lives.
342
00:19:41,987 --> 00:19:43,477
- Okay.
- Mm-hm.
343
00:19:45,123 --> 00:19:48,524
Oh, uh, hey, you know how they say
if you take one of those pills...
344
00:19:48,727 --> 00:19:52,458
...and your erection lasts for more than
four hours, you should call a doctor?
345
00:19:52,631 --> 00:19:53,962
Yeah.
346
00:19:54,132 --> 00:19:55,724
What time is it?
347
00:20:26,298 --> 00:20:28,289
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]