1
00:00:05,145 --> 00:00:07,636
Hey, Danny,
did you say good morning to Melissa?
2
00:00:08,014 --> 00:00:09,606
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Good morning, Melissa.
3
00:00:10,316 --> 00:00:14,252
- You look lovely today.
- Thank you, Danny.
4
00:00:14,420 --> 00:00:16,411
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I think he has a little thing for you.
5
00:00:16,589 --> 00:00:19,319
[IN DEEP VOICE]
No, you've got a little thing for her.
6
00:00:19,759 --> 00:00:22,353
I've got a croquet mallet in my pants.
7
00:00:23,263 --> 00:00:25,390
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Danny, behave yourself.
8
00:00:25,832 --> 00:00:28,596
Alan, I thought I told you
to keep that doll in your room.
9
00:00:28,968 --> 00:00:31,801
[IN DEEP VOICE] Come on,
he's gotta feed the broad sometime.
10
00:00:33,540 --> 00:00:36,407
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] See what I did there?
- You're so clever.
11
00:00:36,776 --> 00:00:38,767
How about spaghetti with pesto
for dinner?
12
00:00:38,945 --> 00:00:41,846
- Oh, boy, with the pine nuts?
- You got it.
13
00:00:42,048 --> 00:00:45,074
[IN DEEP VOICE]
I've got your pine nuts right here.
14
00:00:45,485 --> 00:00:46,509
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Danny.
15
00:00:46,686 --> 00:00:49,211
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Buy one, get one free.
16
00:00:50,056 --> 00:00:53,048
Okay, Alan,
I'm only gonna ask you this once.
17
00:00:53,226 --> 00:00:55,660
Has Little Miss Muppet
moved into my house?
18
00:00:55,828 --> 00:00:57,159
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
What? No.
19
00:00:57,330 --> 00:01:00,265
Huh, really. Then explain why she's here
when I go to bed...
20
00:01:00,433 --> 00:01:01,957
...and still here when I get up.
21
00:01:02,135 --> 00:01:04,865
To be fair, Charlie,
you have an erratic sleep schedule.
22
00:01:05,038 --> 00:01:07,336
That's not even counting
the drunken blackouts.
23
00:01:07,707 --> 00:01:10,437
You're saying I continually miss it
when she goes home?
24
00:01:10,610 --> 00:01:12,840
Charlie, you missed Easter last year.
25
00:01:13,713 --> 00:01:17,513
Was that the time I woke up
with a Cadbury egg melted in my shorts?
26
00:01:19,752 --> 00:01:21,845
Sadly enough, no.
27
00:01:23,723 --> 00:01:26,385
Okay, just so you understand,
this is my house.
28
00:01:26,559 --> 00:01:28,527
You don't get to invite people
to move in.
29
00:01:28,695 --> 00:01:31,789
Why do you keep harping on that?
She is not living here.
30
00:01:31,965 --> 00:01:35,230
I'm just gonna throw in a load of laundry
before I go to work.
31
00:01:36,970 --> 00:01:39,302
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Sure looks like she is.
32
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:42,835
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I don't know what he's talking about.
33
00:02:14,907 --> 00:02:16,238
Hey, listen, I was thinking.
34
00:02:16,409 --> 00:02:18,969
Why don't we bring my bed over
from my mother's house?
35
00:02:20,647 --> 00:02:21,978
We've already got a bed.
36
00:02:22,148 --> 00:02:24,116
This isn't a bed, it's a foldout couch.
37
00:02:24,284 --> 00:02:26,081
You're always complaining about it.
38
00:02:26,252 --> 00:02:30,313
Oh, pfft, I complain about a lot of things.
Like automatic-flush toilets.
39
00:02:30,623 --> 00:02:34,616
Everything's gone before you turn around
and check out how you did.
40
00:02:35,228 --> 00:02:38,527
- What the dickens are you talking about?
- Let's leave the furniture.
41
00:02:38,731 --> 00:02:42,030
- I don't wanna rock the boat.
- How is getting a bed rocking the boat?
42
00:02:42,235 --> 00:02:43,532
This is our room, isn't it?
43
00:02:43,736 --> 00:02:48,332
Well, yeah. And no.
I mean, it's still Charlie's house.
44
00:02:48,675 --> 00:02:50,575
- But you pay rent?
- Of course.
45
00:02:50,743 --> 00:02:53,143
The number fluctuates
depending on the economy...
46
00:02:53,313 --> 00:02:56,976
...and whether Charlie is conscious
on the first of the month. But I pay.
47
00:02:57,150 --> 00:02:59,948
Okay, then you need to start
standing up to him.
48
00:03:00,119 --> 00:03:02,053
Oh, please. I stand up to him plenty.
49
00:03:02,255 --> 00:03:03,313
Is that so?
50
00:03:03,690 --> 00:03:05,521
[CHUCKLES AND PANTS]
51
00:03:07,493 --> 00:03:10,485
You think he likes unsalted butter?
He does not.
52
00:03:11,998 --> 00:03:13,966
Now, you listen to me, Alan Harper.
53
00:03:14,133 --> 00:03:16,658
You are a strong, assertive man.
54
00:03:16,836 --> 00:03:18,997
I know that
because I couldn't be with you...
55
00:03:19,172 --> 00:03:20,696
...if you were anything less.
56
00:03:21,341 --> 00:03:22,672
Oh, well, yeah, I am.
57
00:03:22,842 --> 00:03:27,040
You know, I don't wanna flaunt
my strong assertiveness...
58
00:03:27,213 --> 00:03:30,671
...by, you know, asking for stuff.
59
00:03:31,050 --> 00:03:33,211
Tell your brother
we're moving my bed here...
60
00:03:33,386 --> 00:03:37,083
...and if he doesn't like it,
well, then that is just his tough noogies.
61
00:03:38,157 --> 00:03:40,022
- Okay, I will tell him.
- Good.
62
00:03:40,193 --> 00:03:41,455
But slowly.
63
00:03:42,161 --> 00:03:43,685
In increments.
64
00:03:43,863 --> 00:03:45,091
As I did with the butter.
65
00:03:46,199 --> 00:03:50,602
- And how long did that take?
- That is not important.
66
00:03:51,237 --> 00:03:55,196
What's important is this is now
a low-sodium, heart-smart household.
67
00:03:56,109 --> 00:03:59,909
He thinks he's fooling me, but he's not.
She's living here.
68
00:04:00,079 --> 00:04:02,707
He moved her in right under my nose.
69
00:04:02,882 --> 00:04:04,042
So?
70
00:04:04,884 --> 00:04:10,481
So? This is the unsalted butter again,
but, you know, writ large.
71
00:04:11,858 --> 00:04:14,349
What difference does it make
if she lives here?
72
00:04:14,527 --> 00:04:16,893
What difference? Are you kidding?
73
00:04:17,063 --> 00:04:18,462
First it's him and his kid...
74
00:04:18,631 --> 00:04:21,930
...and now he's shacking up
with Strawberry Shortcake.
75
00:04:22,468 --> 00:04:25,198
- He pays rent, doesn't he?
- I don't know.
76
00:04:25,371 --> 00:04:26,565
Once, maybe.
77
00:04:28,074 --> 00:04:29,473
He says he did.
78
00:04:29,909 --> 00:04:32,742
So why do you care
who he has in his room?
79
00:04:32,912 --> 00:04:36,780
I care
because there's a principle involved.
80
00:04:36,949 --> 00:04:39,816
- A principle?
- Yes, I made a rule.
81
00:04:39,986 --> 00:04:42,648
Ohh. You made a rule.
82
00:04:43,823 --> 00:04:45,313
Yes, I made a rule.
83
00:04:45,491 --> 00:04:48,756
And I'm making another one:
You do not get to mock my rules.
84
00:04:49,162 --> 00:04:50,322
You're being silly.
85
00:04:50,496 --> 00:04:52,987
Melissa is a wonderful girl,
they love each other...
86
00:04:53,166 --> 00:04:54,497
...and she makes him happy.
87
00:04:54,667 --> 00:04:57,227
And I care about that because?
88
00:04:58,070 --> 00:05:00,334
Because the Charlie
that I fell in love with...
89
00:05:00,506 --> 00:05:02,770
...cares about
other people's happiness.
90
00:05:02,942 --> 00:05:05,433
- That's the Charlie you fell in love with?
- Yes.
91
00:05:05,611 --> 00:05:07,806
Well, joke's on you.
92
00:05:08,881 --> 00:05:13,750
That whole nice-guy thing was a big act
to get you to have sex with me. Ha, ha.
93
00:05:14,987 --> 00:05:17,512
I know you'll do the right thing,
Charlie.
94
00:05:17,690 --> 00:05:19,487
Oh, you do, huh?
95
00:05:21,427 --> 00:05:24,692
Most of the time,
I'm not even sure what the right thing is.
96
00:05:29,335 --> 00:05:31,132
- Hey.
- Hey.
97
00:05:31,304 --> 00:05:32,828
- Got a minute?
- I'm reading.
98
00:05:33,005 --> 00:05:34,905
Okay, we'll talk later.
99
00:05:36,876 --> 00:05:37,900
[DOOR CLOSES]
100
00:05:38,077 --> 00:05:39,840
- He's busy.
MELISSA: Damn it, Alan, get back out there!
101
00:05:40,012 --> 00:05:43,140
ALAN: But I gotta pee.
- You already peed. Now go.
102
00:05:44,217 --> 00:05:46,208
Go, get back out there.
103
00:05:46,552 --> 00:05:47,917
[DOOR CLOSES]
104
00:05:48,488 --> 00:05:50,149
Hey-ho.
105
00:05:50,857 --> 00:05:52,620
What do you want, Alan?
106
00:05:52,792 --> 00:05:56,751
Well, as you know,
I pay my fair share of rent around here.
107
00:05:56,929 --> 00:06:00,330
We probably have
different definitions of fair.
108
00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:04,698
And share. And rent. But go on.
109
00:06:05,071 --> 00:06:09,269
I just don't think I need your permission
when it comes to Melissa living with me.
110
00:06:09,442 --> 00:06:11,672
Well, you're wrong.
Nice talking to you.
111
00:06:12,178 --> 00:06:15,011
- Charlie. I would hope that...
- Don't "Charlie" me.
112
00:06:15,181 --> 00:06:17,911
This is my house. Not yours, mine.
113
00:06:18,084 --> 00:06:19,745
The fact is, if Melissa moves in...
114
00:06:19,952 --> 00:06:23,046
...that means you've got more people
living here than I do.
115
00:06:23,222 --> 00:06:26,385
- So?
- So there's a principle involved.
116
00:06:30,963 --> 00:06:33,193
That we must discuss.
117
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:35,724
Okay, so, what's the principle?
118
00:06:41,274 --> 00:06:43,674
The principle is that...
119
00:06:45,111 --> 00:06:47,579
...you're my brother
and I want you to be happy.
120
00:06:49,549 --> 00:06:53,144
So Melissa can stay? I mean, move in?
121
00:06:56,856 --> 00:06:58,380
Sure.
122
00:07:01,394 --> 00:07:02,486
Well, all right, then.
123
00:07:08,334 --> 00:07:09,631
Oh!
124
00:07:17,510 --> 00:07:18,704
You know, I was thinking.
125
00:07:18,878 --> 00:07:23,042
You've got me, Alan's got Melissa,
even Jake's got a girlfriend.
126
00:07:23,215 --> 00:07:26,275
We need to find somebody
for Sir Lancelot.
127
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,083
Your cat?
128
00:07:29,789 --> 00:07:32,587
Yeah.
Doesn't he deserve some happiness?
129
00:07:32,758 --> 00:07:35,727
He can lick his own crotch.
What else does he need?
130
00:07:37,096 --> 00:07:40,896
Come on, Charlie, why shouldn't he have
some companionship?
131
00:07:41,067 --> 00:07:44,434
All right. How about we get him
a nice lady coyote?
132
00:07:45,938 --> 00:07:48,736
- Charlie.
- What? Lt'd be good for old Lance.
133
00:07:48,908 --> 00:07:53,845
- Get a little exercise running for his life.
- You're terrible.
134
00:07:54,246 --> 00:07:55,770
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
135
00:07:56,315 --> 00:07:57,805
Let the machine get it.
136
00:07:57,984 --> 00:07:59,042
ALAN [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]:
Hi, this is Alan.
137
00:07:59,218 --> 00:08:02,654
And this is Melissa. We're not home
and neither are Charlie and Chelsea.
138
00:08:02,822 --> 00:08:06,553
ALAN: Charlie might be home,
but he's probably in no condition to answer.
139
00:08:06,726 --> 00:08:09,456
[ALAN AND MELISSA CHUCKLE]
140
00:08:10,196 --> 00:08:12,130
BOTH: Leave a message
when you hear the beep.
141
00:08:12,298 --> 00:08:14,357
- Beep!
- Beep!
142
00:08:14,533 --> 00:08:15,727
[MACHINE BEEPS]
143
00:08:16,369 --> 00:08:18,894
EVELYN:
Hello, Charlie? It's your mother.
144
00:08:19,071 --> 00:08:21,596
Remember me? The woman
who carried you in her womb...
145
00:08:21,774 --> 00:08:24,607
... for roughly seven and a half months?
146
00:08:24,777 --> 00:08:26,938
Anyway, I'd say call me,
but what's the point?
147
00:08:27,113 --> 00:08:29,775
I've long since given up expecting
any kind of consideration or...
148
00:08:29,949 --> 00:08:31,246
[MACHINE BEEPS]
149
00:08:31,951 --> 00:08:33,384
Seven and a half months?
150
00:08:33,886 --> 00:08:36,354
She said,
"If God wanted us to lose our figures...
151
00:08:36,522 --> 00:08:39,719
...he wouldn't have invented C-sections
and incubators."
152
00:08:40,426 --> 00:08:42,394
- Hey, all.
- We're home.
153
00:08:42,561 --> 00:08:45,325
- Oh, boy.
CHELSEA: Hi.
154
00:08:45,998 --> 00:08:48,865
- Charlie.
- Hi.
155
00:08:49,368 --> 00:08:52,804
Just so you know, Melissa and I
are gonna put our food on the bottom...
156
00:08:52,972 --> 00:08:55,167
...you take the top
and we'll split the door.
157
00:08:55,341 --> 00:08:58,333
- That's a great idea.
- No, it's not. It's my refrigerator.
158
00:08:58,511 --> 00:08:59,739
Be quiet.
159
00:08:59,912 --> 00:09:01,675
- I bought it. I paid for it.
- Charlie.
160
00:09:01,847 --> 00:09:04,873
- The whole thing, not just half.
- Stop being a child.
161
00:09:05,051 --> 00:09:09,044
I'm not gonna forfeit a grape soda
just because I put it on the wrong shelf.
162
00:09:10,823 --> 00:09:12,791
- Mind if we join you guys?
- Sure.
163
00:09:12,958 --> 00:09:16,018
- What are we watching?
- An Odd Couple rerun.
164
00:09:16,195 --> 00:09:18,390
I never really liked that show.
165
00:09:18,564 --> 00:09:20,589
- Why not?
- Well, I didn't buy the premise.
166
00:09:20,766 --> 00:09:22,563
Who would put up with somebody...
167
00:09:22,735 --> 00:09:25,568
...who drives them crazy
for all those years?
168
00:09:32,344 --> 00:09:35,074
I mean, it would be different
if they were related.
169
00:09:40,252 --> 00:09:42,413
That was fun
picking out our wedding crystal.
170
00:09:42,588 --> 00:09:44,886
Oh, yeah. Barrel of Monkeys.
171
00:09:45,224 --> 00:09:47,158
I'm so excited
about that big punchbowl.
172
00:09:47,326 --> 00:09:49,191
You know
what would be really exciting?
173
00:09:49,361 --> 00:09:53,730
Next time you ask me to go shopping
with you, use it to cave in my skull.
174
00:09:54,567 --> 00:09:57,001
[MUSIC PLAYING & CHATTERING]
175
00:09:58,804 --> 00:10:00,396
What the hell is this?
176
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:02,132
Look who's here.
177
00:10:02,308 --> 00:10:05,175
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Hey, dude. Party down.
178
00:10:07,179 --> 00:10:08,203
What are you doing?
179
00:10:08,380 --> 00:10:09,677
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
We invited a few friends over.
180
00:10:09,849 --> 00:10:11,316
You don't have any friends.
181
00:10:11,484 --> 00:10:14,817
Yeah, but Melissa does,
so now they're mine too.
182
00:10:14,987 --> 00:10:16,818
[IN DEEP VOICE]
They don't really like you.
183
00:10:16,989 --> 00:10:18,115
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
They do too.
184
00:10:18,290 --> 00:10:20,952
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Dream on, meat puppet.
185
00:10:21,660 --> 00:10:23,287
Who said you could have a party?
186
00:10:23,462 --> 00:10:25,054
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'm sorry. I thought we lived here.
187
00:10:25,231 --> 00:10:27,358
Must we check with you
about everything we do?
188
00:10:27,533 --> 00:10:29,091
Yes.
189
00:10:30,136 --> 00:10:33,663
What's that guy drinking?
Is that my grape soda?
190
00:10:34,140 --> 00:10:35,732
It was on our shelf.
191
00:10:35,908 --> 00:10:37,705
What did I tell you?
192
00:10:38,611 --> 00:10:39,635
Okay, that's it.
193
00:10:39,812 --> 00:10:42,110
- Charlie.
- No, no, no... This is not acceptable.
194
00:10:42,815 --> 00:10:44,749
Hey, everybody.
195
00:10:45,417 --> 00:10:47,146
Everybody listen up.
196
00:10:47,319 --> 00:10:48,786
[MUSIC STOPS]
197
00:10:49,088 --> 00:10:52,990
Party's over.
Pack up your crap and get out.
198
00:10:57,630 --> 00:10:58,892
I'm not kidding.
199
00:11:00,232 --> 00:11:02,097
One.
200
00:11:03,803 --> 00:11:05,464
I'm counting to three by the way.
201
00:11:07,673 --> 00:11:08,799
Two.
202
00:11:11,977 --> 00:11:14,138
- Ah, screw it, I'll leave.
CHELSEA: Charlie.
203
00:11:14,313 --> 00:11:15,746
Forget it. I'm out of here.
204
00:11:19,385 --> 00:11:21,649
See what happens
when I do the right thing?
205
00:11:29,895 --> 00:11:32,386
Okay,
I think you're really overreacting...
206
00:11:32,565 --> 00:11:35,534
...but if you wanna spend the night
at a hotel, fine.
207
00:11:36,068 --> 00:11:39,401
No, I will not come over there
for a quickie.
208
00:11:39,939 --> 00:11:41,964
Goodbye, Charlie.
209
00:11:42,675 --> 00:11:44,165
He just needs to cool off.
210
00:11:44,343 --> 00:11:45,742
We're really sorry, Chelsea.
211
00:11:45,911 --> 00:11:49,005
We should've talked to you guys
before inviting our friends over.
212
00:11:49,181 --> 00:11:50,671
Your friends.
213
00:11:53,686 --> 00:11:57,178
We need some system where we give
each other a heads up about guests.
214
00:11:57,356 --> 00:11:58,516
That's a great idea.
215
00:11:58,891 --> 00:12:02,520
Excuse me, since when do you two
call the shots around here?
216
00:12:03,262 --> 00:12:05,162
What are you talking about?
217
00:12:07,032 --> 00:12:09,000
All right, ladies.
218
00:12:10,035 --> 00:12:11,730
Let's make something very clear.
219
00:12:13,372 --> 00:12:15,272
There's an established pecking order...
220
00:12:15,441 --> 00:12:19,002
...that needs to be honored.
- Oh, really? And what might that be?
221
00:12:19,979 --> 00:12:23,176
Wow. Heh, heh. Do I have to spell it out?
222
00:12:23,682 --> 00:12:24,740
Please do.
223
00:12:25,718 --> 00:12:26,776
Fine.
224
00:12:26,952 --> 00:12:30,547
When Charlie is not here,
I am in charge.
225
00:12:38,964 --> 00:12:40,989
That's okay, isn't it?
226
00:12:45,804 --> 00:12:46,862
[MAN TALKING ON TV]
227
00:12:48,807 --> 00:12:50,001
[DOOR KNOCKS]
228
00:12:50,442 --> 00:12:52,672
- Yeah?
ALAN: [IN DEEP VOICE] Room service.
229
00:13:02,121 --> 00:13:04,521
Guess who got himself
kicked out of the house?
230
00:13:05,891 --> 00:13:08,985
Ow! Ow! Cut it out!
231
00:13:11,764 --> 00:13:12,890
What are you doing here?
232
00:13:13,065 --> 00:13:14,862
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I didn't have any place else to go.
233
00:13:15,034 --> 00:13:17,127
Well, I got news for you.
You still don't.
234
00:13:17,303 --> 00:13:18,736
Come on, Charlie.
235
00:13:18,904 --> 00:13:21,566
Alan, you're the reason
I'm here in the first place.
236
00:13:21,740 --> 00:13:23,765
I know,
I might've crossed a bit of a line.
237
00:13:23,943 --> 00:13:25,467
A bit of a line?
238
00:13:26,912 --> 00:13:28,777
You moved your girlfriend
into my house.
239
00:13:28,981 --> 00:13:31,279
You invited strangers over
without my permission.
240
00:13:31,483 --> 00:13:33,280
And then to add insult to injury...
241
00:13:33,485 --> 00:13:36,215
...you show up here
with your ugly frigging dummy?
242
00:13:37,423 --> 00:13:40,483
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Did you hear that? He called you ugly.
243
00:13:43,062 --> 00:13:44,086
Goodbye, Alan.
244
00:13:44,263 --> 00:13:45,787
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Wait, wait, wait.
245
00:13:45,998 --> 00:13:48,990
L... I brought you a peace offering.
246
00:13:49,401 --> 00:13:52,097
- That's my 10-year-old Scotch.
- No, it's not.
247
00:13:52,271 --> 00:13:53,329
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Yes, it is.
248
00:13:55,941 --> 00:13:57,101
I saw him take it.
249
00:13:57,876 --> 00:13:59,810
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Damn it, Danny,
what is wrong with you?
250
00:13:59,979 --> 00:14:01,071
[IN DEEP VOICE]
What's wrong with me?
251
00:14:01,246 --> 00:14:04,647
You're the one with your hand
between my little wooden cheeks.
252
00:14:05,451 --> 00:14:07,442
All right, all right, enough. Enough.
253
00:14:08,587 --> 00:14:10,748
If I'm gonna drink Scotch,
I'm gonna need ice.
254
00:14:10,923 --> 00:14:14,154
- There's a machine down the hall.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Be right back.
255
00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:24,536
Yeah, like I don't have ice.
256
00:14:33,445 --> 00:14:35,640
Thanks for letting me back in.
257
00:14:36,315 --> 00:14:38,943
You were crying in the hallway.
258
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,811
The other guests complained.
259
00:14:44,623 --> 00:14:46,386
Still, it's very considerate of you.
260
00:14:46,825 --> 00:14:49,191
Shut up and drink my Scotch.
261
00:14:50,596 --> 00:14:51,961
Cheers.
262
00:14:52,498 --> 00:14:54,090
Bite me.
263
00:14:58,070 --> 00:14:59,367
This is kind of fun though.
264
00:14:59,571 --> 00:15:02,438
You and me sharing a hotel room
just like when we were kids.
265
00:15:02,608 --> 00:15:04,337
Swell.
266
00:15:04,843 --> 00:15:07,505
Remember that time Mom took us
on that Caribbean cruise?
267
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:10,581
- We had our own cabin?
- Yeah.
268
00:15:10,749 --> 00:15:13,513
Took us three days to figure out
Mom was on another boat.
269
00:15:16,789 --> 00:15:18,416
- Good times.
- Mm.
270
00:15:21,860 --> 00:15:24,021
We've lost our house, Charlie.
271
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,568
Your house. We've lost your house.
272
00:15:31,737 --> 00:15:33,034
I know.
273
00:15:33,205 --> 00:15:36,504
- How did this happen?
- Slowly.
274
00:15:37,342 --> 00:15:39,333
In increments.
275
00:15:39,511 --> 00:15:41,945
Starting with the butter.
276
00:15:43,182 --> 00:15:44,376
I can see that now.
277
00:15:44,550 --> 00:15:47,144
The problem is, the women
have established a beachhead.
278
00:15:47,319 --> 00:15:48,809
[CHUCKLES]
279
00:15:49,421 --> 00:15:51,389
- What?
- Nothing, nothing.
280
00:15:51,557 --> 00:15:54,856
You just reminded me
why I bought a house in Malibu.
281
00:15:56,929 --> 00:16:00,456
The thing is, if we go back,
we'll appear weak.
282
00:16:00,632 --> 00:16:02,122
I don't mind that.
283
00:16:03,202 --> 00:16:04,567
No, no, no. We need a plan.
284
00:16:04,737 --> 00:16:08,070
We need to figure out some way
to drive a wedge between those two.
285
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:10,765
- You know, divide and conquer.
- Yeah, but how?
286
00:16:11,910 --> 00:16:14,879
I'm not sure.
Maybe we should sleep on it.
287
00:16:16,715 --> 00:16:18,273
Wanna watch some porn first?
288
00:16:21,286 --> 00:16:22,446
No.
289
00:16:24,356 --> 00:16:25,414
Why not?
290
00:16:27,726 --> 00:16:30,957
I'm drunk in bed
in a hotel room with my brother...
291
00:16:31,163 --> 00:16:34,155
...and you wanna know
why I don't wanna watch porn?
292
00:16:36,201 --> 00:16:40,228
Okay. Okay, I get it.
You don't wanna watch porn.
293
00:16:50,482 --> 00:16:52,450
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Mind if I watch?
294
00:16:55,754 --> 00:16:58,154
[YELLS]
295
00:17:01,627 --> 00:17:04,152
- So they both just up and left, huh?
- Yeah.
296
00:17:04,329 --> 00:17:08,095
- Those boneless chickens.
- They'll be back.
297
00:17:08,267 --> 00:17:10,758
They just have to get used
to the way things are now.
298
00:17:10,936 --> 00:17:13,336
- Damn right.
- Girl power, my bitches.
299
00:17:15,307 --> 00:17:18,640
Hey, Berta, why don't you whip us up
some French toast to celebrate.
300
00:17:23,916 --> 00:17:26,316
Or we could do it.
301
00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:30,054
Good plan, my bitches.
302
00:17:32,024 --> 00:17:35,187
EVELYN: Hello, anybody home?
- In here.
303
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:37,794
Oh, what a nice surprise.
304
00:17:37,963 --> 00:17:41,626
Good morning, ladies. Berta.
305
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,665
Botox.
306
00:17:45,003 --> 00:17:47,130
So where are the boys this morning?
307
00:17:47,306 --> 00:17:50,673
Oh, well,
Charlie's off sulking in a hotel.
308
00:17:50,843 --> 00:17:53,573
Oh, really? Well, what about Alan?
309
00:17:53,745 --> 00:17:56,305
Oh, Alan's too cheap for a hotel.
310
00:17:56,481 --> 00:17:58,676
I see. And what brought this on?
311
00:17:58,851 --> 00:18:00,478
A lot of macho nonsense.
312
00:18:00,652 --> 00:18:05,521
- Mmm. And Alan?
- Just nonsense.
313
00:18:05,691 --> 00:18:07,886
No kidding. Well, I'm glad to see...
314
00:18:08,060 --> 00:18:10,688
...you didn't let them get away with it.
BOTH: Thank you.
315
00:18:10,863 --> 00:18:13,491
And I'm doubly pleased
that you two have managed...
316
00:18:13,665 --> 00:18:16,327
...to put aside
your somewhat distasteful history...
317
00:18:16,501 --> 00:18:18,935
...and bond the way
you obviously have.
318
00:18:19,104 --> 00:18:20,435
What distasteful history?
319
00:18:20,606 --> 00:18:23,700
Oh, come on,
let them make my breakfast first.
320
00:18:24,643 --> 00:18:27,510
- What are you talking about?
- A lot of women might resent...
321
00:18:27,679 --> 00:18:31,240
...the former lover of their fiancé
living in the same house as them.
322
00:18:32,718 --> 00:18:35,118
It ain't me, start cooking.
323
00:18:36,722 --> 00:18:39,088
- You and Charlie?
- Just one little weekend.
324
00:18:39,291 --> 00:18:42,692
If I knew what kind of man he was,
I never would've let him touch me.
325
00:18:42,861 --> 00:18:45,056
- What's that mean?
- Oh, he's fine for you.
326
00:18:45,230 --> 00:18:46,424
Fine for me?
327
00:18:46,598 --> 00:18:48,225
Well, I've got an early meeting.
328
00:18:48,901 --> 00:18:51,267
Nice to see you, girls.
329
00:18:51,436 --> 00:18:54,405
Why didn't you tell me?
I thought you were my friend.
330
00:18:54,573 --> 00:18:56,837
[MELISSA AND CHELSEA
CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
331
00:18:57,042 --> 00:19:00,102
CHELSEA: If it weren't for me,
your ass would've been gone a long...
332
00:19:00,746 --> 00:19:03,306
I believe the balance of power
is restored.
333
00:19:04,182 --> 00:19:06,150
- Thanks, Mom.
- Thank you.
334
00:19:08,921 --> 00:19:10,889
You owe me large.
335
00:19:19,364 --> 00:19:21,525
Sweetheart,
I think you're overreacting...
336
00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:24,669
...but if you wanna spend the night
in a hotel, that's fine.
337
00:19:24,836 --> 00:19:27,327
Hey, you want me to come over
for a quickie?
338
00:19:27,506 --> 00:19:28,530
Kidding.
339
00:19:28,707 --> 00:19:31,175
Love you. Damn.
340
00:19:31,343 --> 00:19:33,277
Hey, at least Chelsea's coming back.
341
00:19:33,445 --> 00:19:36,073
Melissa said she'll never set foot
in this house again.
342
00:19:36,248 --> 00:19:38,341
All's well that ends well, huh?
343
00:19:39,918 --> 00:19:41,715
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Bite me.
344
00:19:46,391 --> 00:19:49,451
Oh, come on, the important thing is
we got the house back...
345
00:19:49,628 --> 00:19:51,755
...and we're once again
kings of the castle.
346
00:19:51,930 --> 00:19:53,261
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
That's true.
347
00:19:53,432 --> 00:19:55,696
Celeste and I are gonna be
studying in my room.
348
00:19:55,867 --> 00:19:57,232
Okay.
349
00:19:57,769 --> 00:20:01,000
Oh, right. Set another place for dinner.
She's gonna be joining us.
350
00:20:01,573 --> 00:20:03,473
Fine.
351
00:20:03,642 --> 00:20:07,476
- Also, she's a vegetarian, so no meat.
- Got it.
352
00:20:07,646 --> 00:20:10,274
- Come on, Jake.
- Coming.
353
00:20:14,052 --> 00:20:15,815
Kings of the castle, my ass.
354
00:20:16,355 --> 00:20:18,687
We're whipped
unto the third generation.
355
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:50,911
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]