1 00:00:03,888 --> 00:00:06,310 Aren't you gonna wash your hands before you eat? 2 00:00:06,479 --> 00:00:09,130 No, I wrap the toilet paper on my fingers like an oven mitt. 3 00:00:10,927 --> 00:00:12,454 You could catch a puck with it. 4 00:00:13,424 --> 00:00:15,595 So, Mom, what brings you to our neck of the woods? 5 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:18,956 I'm showing a house down the beach, thought I'd swing by and see my grandson. 6 00:00:19,119 --> 00:00:20,396 Ta-da! 7 00:00:24,944 --> 00:00:27,115 - Nice house? - Oh, magnificent. 8 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:31,208 Priced to move. The owner lost everything in the stock market, killed himself. 9 00:00:31,376 --> 00:00:34,245 - Oh, that's terrible. - He didn't do it in the house. Thank God. 10 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:39,215 Even with an ocean view, suicide homes are a bitch to unload. 11 00:00:40,623 --> 00:00:43,274 Keep that in mind you wanna teach your brother a lesson. 12 00:00:44,463 --> 00:00:45,892 Thanks for the tip. 13 00:00:46,928 --> 00:00:48,302 Good morning, Alan. 14 00:00:48,463 --> 00:00:49,641 Morning, Jake. 15 00:00:49,808 --> 00:00:51,466 Satan. 16 00:00:54,479 --> 00:00:56,006 Good morning, darling. 17 00:00:56,176 --> 00:00:57,256 Two coffee cups? 18 00:00:57,807 --> 00:01:00,490 - Did you have a friend spend the night? - Yes, I did. 19 00:01:00,655 --> 00:01:03,044 Couldn't get her to stand on the trap door, huh? 20 00:01:04,208 --> 00:01:06,542 Charlie, I don't have time for coffee, so... 21 00:01:07,888 --> 00:01:10,277 - Oh. Hello. - Hello. 22 00:01:10,447 --> 00:01:13,229 Uh, Chelsea, this is my mother. Mom, this is Chelsea. 23 00:01:13,391 --> 00:01:14,406 Nice to meet you. 24 00:01:14,576 --> 00:01:16,070 Nice to meet you too. 25 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,450 Welcome back to the States. 26 00:01:20,239 --> 00:01:21,239 Thank you. 27 00:01:21,392 --> 00:01:22,886 Where have I been? 28 00:01:23,056 --> 00:01:25,260 Charlie says you have a place in Italy- 29 00:01:25,424 --> 00:01:29,547 You know, Chelsea. Sometimes when I'm drunk, I make up stories, so... 30 00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:31,978 You know, grain of salt. 31 00:01:32,271 --> 00:01:34,988 That is quite an engagement ring. 32 00:01:35,151 --> 00:01:36,264 Thank you. 33 00:01:36,431 --> 00:01:38,471 Does your fiancé know about this one? 34 00:01:38,991 --> 00:01:40,780 My fiancé is this one. 35 00:01:46,735 --> 00:01:48,491 You want me put this in a travel mug? 36 00:01:49,711 --> 00:01:51,533 You didn't tell your mother we're engaged? 37 00:01:51,696 --> 00:01:54,794 If she hadn't sold me the house, she wouldn't even know where I live. 38 00:02:01,999 --> 00:02:04,650 When were you gonna tell her about me? At the wedding? 39 00:02:04,815 --> 00:02:08,132 Well, technically, I think we have up to a year after that. 40 00:02:08,303 --> 00:02:10,507 Shame on you. I am so sorry. 41 00:02:10,671 --> 00:02:12,908 It's all right, dear. I'm used to it. 42 00:02:13,391 --> 00:02:15,366 Although a phone call would have been nice. 43 00:02:17,487 --> 00:02:19,494 It's good to meet you. Excuse me. 44 00:02:26,639 --> 00:02:29,192 So yea or nay on the travel mug? 45 00:02:29,711 --> 00:02:31,434 Charlie, you broke your mother's heart. 46 00:02:41,872 --> 00:02:43,497 How is that funny? 47 00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:45,190 It's not. Guys, a little respect. 48 00:02:47,215 --> 00:02:48,459 What is wrong with you? 49 00:02:49,808 --> 00:02:51,913 Same stuff as always, nothing new. 50 00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:55,333 Does this smell like butt to you? 51 00:03:04,847 --> 00:03:06,341 CHARLIE: I'm glad you came over. 52 00:03:06,736 --> 00:03:08,143 That was the plan, wasn't it? 53 00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:11,982 Yeah, but I thought you might still be angry with me. 54 00:03:12,144 --> 00:03:14,926 I'm not angry, Charlie. I'm just disappointed. 55 00:03:15,503 --> 00:03:18,253 Gee, I'd kind of prefer it if you were angry. 56 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,454 Why? 57 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,149 Because angry sex is hot. 58 00:03:23,312 --> 00:03:26,061 Disappointed sex is- Well, we might as well be married. 59 00:03:27,663 --> 00:03:28,678 Just brush your teeth. 60 00:03:28,847 --> 00:03:30,669 Brushing. 61 00:03:31,183 --> 00:03:34,347 Look, I understand you have a difficult relationship with your mom. 62 00:03:34,511 --> 00:03:35,624 Uh-huh. 63 00:03:35,792 --> 00:03:37,614 But it make things kind of tough on me. 64 00:03:38,191 --> 00:03:40,493 Hey, I don't expect you to dislike her right away. 65 00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:43,502 Give it time, let it happen naturally. 66 00:03:44,911 --> 00:03:46,155 That's not funny. 67 00:03:46,319 --> 00:03:49,931 If I'm gonna marry into your family, I want us to act like a family. 68 00:03:50,096 --> 00:03:51,208 Care for each other. 69 00:03:51,375 --> 00:03:54,223 With my family, it's kind of either-or. 70 00:03:54,543 --> 00:03:55,557 Let me put it this way. 71 00:03:55,727 --> 00:03:57,637 I'm taking your mother to lunch on Thursday. 72 00:04:02,351 --> 00:04:03,726 You're doing what? 73 00:04:04,207 --> 00:04:07,338 I'm not going to participate in this childish little feud of yours. 74 00:04:08,111 --> 00:04:09,802 It's not a childish feud. 75 00:04:10,383 --> 00:04:12,205 Boy. 76 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,614 What's wrong with me having a warm and healthy relationship with your mother? 77 00:04:16,783 --> 00:04:19,565 Well, for starters, you'll be the only one. 78 00:04:20,816 --> 00:04:22,790 Ever. 79 00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:24,933 Oh, don't be so dramatic. 80 00:04:25,104 --> 00:04:27,525 No, no. No. No. I'm not being dramatic enough. 81 00:04:27,695 --> 00:04:29,767 I should be wearing tights and holding a skull. 82 00:04:31,311 --> 00:04:34,345 - Preferably hers. - It's just lunch. 83 00:04:34,511 --> 00:04:37,228 That's what Hitler said to Czechoslovakia. 84 00:04:38,031 --> 00:04:40,268 Hitler said "It's just lunch?" 85 00:04:40,431 --> 00:04:42,438 Well, he said it in German. 86 00:04:42,607 --> 00:04:44,363 Watch the History Channel. 87 00:04:45,776 --> 00:04:47,564 Charlie, I'm not doing this to hurt you. 88 00:04:48,591 --> 00:04:52,486 By my spending time with your mother I can get a better understanding of you. 89 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:54,825 Chelsea, trust me. 90 00:04:54,991 --> 00:04:57,577 Any insight you gain into me via my mother... 91 00:04:57,744 --> 00:05:01,540 will end our relationship faster than catching me in bed with a farm animal. 92 00:05:03,439 --> 00:05:05,381 Just relax. It'll be fine. 93 00:05:05,967 --> 00:05:08,302 That's what Hitler said to Poland. 94 00:05:10,607 --> 00:05:11,785 And for the record... 95 00:05:11,951 --> 00:05:14,766 as long as we've been going out, I've never met your mother. 96 00:05:14,928 --> 00:05:16,138 My mother's in Illinois. 97 00:05:16,303 --> 00:05:19,238 Oh, yeah, and my mother's in "Italy." 98 00:05:20,015 --> 00:05:22,284 My mother really lives in Illinois. 99 00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:24,335 And besides, when you meet her... 100 00:05:24,495 --> 00:05:27,245 you will count your blessings you have your mom. 101 00:05:28,047 --> 00:05:31,343 Tell you what, I'll trade you, sight unseen, my mom for yours. 102 00:05:31,503 --> 00:05:34,764 - Charlie... I'll throw in Alan and a couple of steaks. 103 00:05:36,048 --> 00:05:37,324 Come here. 104 00:05:37,487 --> 00:05:39,145 No. I don't wanna. 105 00:05:40,271 --> 00:05:42,060 I'm too upset. 106 00:05:42,991 --> 00:05:44,747 Okay. Good night. 107 00:05:46,031 --> 00:05:49,926 I'm sorry, I can't separate my emotions from my body. 108 00:05:50,096 --> 00:05:51,096 I understand. 109 00:05:51,247 --> 00:05:54,062 I don't wanna punish you. If my heart's not in it... 110 00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:56,678 then it's just my penis going through the motions. 111 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,658 Well, we certainly wouldn't want that. 112 00:05:59,823 --> 00:06:01,317 Good night. 113 00:06:01,487 --> 00:06:03,178 Good night. 114 00:06:17,839 --> 00:06:19,366 Chelsea. 115 00:06:19,535 --> 00:06:22,023 I'm not upset anymore. 116 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,309 Charlie, I'm sleeping. 117 00:06:26,479 --> 00:06:27,853 I know. 118 00:06:28,015 --> 00:06:31,593 Can you just wake up enough so it's not weird? 119 00:06:34,383 --> 00:06:36,652 Never mind. Sweet dreams. 120 00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:42,569 Okay, let me remind you... 121 00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:45,769 this is Malibu beachfront property. 122 00:06:45,935 --> 00:06:48,750 The previous owner had a spectacular view... 123 00:06:48,911 --> 00:06:52,489 as he filled his pockets with rocks and jumped into the pool. 124 00:06:54,447 --> 00:06:56,487 - Mom? - Hang on. 125 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,942 No, it's not a suicide home. 126 00:07:00,431 --> 00:07:04,173 At most, it's suicide adjacent. 127 00:07:04,976 --> 00:07:07,878 All right, get back to me. 128 00:07:08,431 --> 00:07:09,478 What are you doing here? 129 00:07:10,511 --> 00:07:12,748 What, I can't come visit my mother at work? 130 00:07:12,911 --> 00:07:17,548 Well, I suppose you could, but I've been here for 22 years, and you never have. 131 00:07:17,711 --> 00:07:19,980 Well, maybe if you validated parking... 132 00:07:22,031 --> 00:07:23,941 Or any part of my life. 133 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,453 What do you want, Charlie? 134 00:07:25,999 --> 00:07:29,992 Okay, first of all, I wanna apologize for not telling you about Chelsea... 135 00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:31,271 and the engagement. 136 00:07:31,439 --> 00:07:33,544 I know that was wrong and selfish of me. 137 00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:35,671 Thank you. 138 00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:38,409 Good. I'm glad we got that out of the way. 139 00:07:38,576 --> 00:07:41,325 So I understand you guys are having lunch tomorrow. 140 00:07:41,487 --> 00:07:43,145 Yes, we are. Is that a problem? 141 00:07:43,311 --> 00:07:44,838 No, no. No, it's great. 142 00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:48,455 I came all the way here and paid for my own parking to tell you it's great. 143 00:07:49,263 --> 00:07:50,540 Uh-huh. 144 00:07:51,631 --> 00:07:52,631 All right. 145 00:07:52,783 --> 00:07:54,670 Let's put our cards on the table. 146 00:07:54,831 --> 00:07:55,831 What's your angle? 147 00:07:56,847 --> 00:07:57,862 Angle? 148 00:07:58,031 --> 00:07:59,208 I have no angle. 149 00:07:59,375 --> 00:08:01,612 Yeah, and I have no hangover. 150 00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:05,420 Look, Charlie. If you're really gonna marry this woman... 151 00:08:05,583 --> 00:08:07,558 I wanna get started on the right foot. 152 00:08:07,727 --> 00:08:10,510 I don't wanna make the mistake I made with Alan's wife, June. 153 00:08:10,671 --> 00:08:13,573 - Judith. - Oh, whatever. 154 00:08:14,287 --> 00:08:16,295 Heinous woman. 155 00:08:16,879 --> 00:08:19,180 The fact remains, had I overlooked that... 156 00:08:19,343 --> 00:08:22,475 and welcomed her, she wouldn't have kept me at arms length... 157 00:08:22,639 --> 00:08:26,381 during Jake's formative years, and I'd have a better relationship with him. 158 00:08:26,543 --> 00:08:30,983 - You want a better relationship with him? - Not the way he is now. 159 00:08:32,207 --> 00:08:33,865 But if I'd gotten to him earlier... 160 00:08:34,031 --> 00:08:36,453 he wouldn't have the manners of an outhouse rat. 161 00:08:38,095 --> 00:08:41,892 So bottom line, you want a good relationship with Chelsea... 162 00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:44,299 so you get your hooks into the next generation? 163 00:08:44,815 --> 00:08:47,979 Can't I just wanna be a loving mother and grandmother? 164 00:08:48,687 --> 00:08:53,160 Well, I suppose you could, but I've been here 40 years, and you never have. 165 00:08:56,719 --> 00:08:58,126 Evelyn Harper. 166 00:08:58,799 --> 00:09:01,254 Oh. Hello, Dr. Yakimura. What's up? 167 00:09:02,127 --> 00:09:05,542 Oh, that is good news. What's the address? 168 00:09:07,567 --> 00:09:09,934 Nice neighborhood. Thanks for the tip. 169 00:09:11,887 --> 00:09:12,902 What's the good news? 170 00:09:13,071 --> 00:09:14,500 Massive coronary in Brentwood. 171 00:09:16,143 --> 00:09:17,571 Six bedrooms, four baths... 172 00:09:17,743 --> 00:09:21,158 and a fully-equipped gym the fat idiot shouldn't have been using. 173 00:09:22,671 --> 00:09:23,671 Excuse me. 174 00:09:23,822 --> 00:09:27,368 Mommy has to fly faster than the other vultures. 175 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:57,064 Your mother took me to the most adorable little restaurant. 176 00:09:57,551 --> 00:09:59,307 No kidding. 177 00:09:59,471 --> 00:10:02,602 It's called Mon Grenier Du Vivre. You know what that means? 178 00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:06,318 Probably "The Spider's Web." 179 00:10:06,479 --> 00:10:07,723 Charlie. 180 00:10:07,887 --> 00:10:09,796 "The Devil's Barbecue"? 181 00:10:10,831 --> 00:10:11,831 Be nice. 182 00:10:12,143 --> 00:10:13,143 Sorry. 183 00:10:15,887 --> 00:10:18,026 "Bitch in the Box." 184 00:10:21,039 --> 00:10:24,355 - So, what did you guys talk about? - You know, everything. 185 00:10:24,527 --> 00:10:26,731 She's so smart and funny. 186 00:10:26,895 --> 00:10:29,448 She's been through so much. She's a real survivor. 187 00:10:29,615 --> 00:10:34,186 Just remember, in order for her to be a survivor, others had to die. 188 00:10:34,351 --> 00:10:35,780 Okay, that's enough. 189 00:10:35,951 --> 00:10:37,609 Your mom's a terrific lady. 190 00:10:37,775 --> 00:10:40,142 I'm starting to think any problem you have with her... 191 00:10:40,303 --> 00:10:42,245 is your problem, not hers. 192 00:10:42,415 --> 00:10:44,390 Oh, damn, it's too late. 193 00:10:44,559 --> 00:10:46,185 You're infected with the virus. 194 00:10:47,151 --> 00:10:48,525 Stop it. 195 00:10:48,687 --> 00:10:52,582 I'm sorry, but when you fall asleep tonight, I'm gonna have to set you on fire. 196 00:10:53,263 --> 00:10:54,342 Shut up. 197 00:10:54,511 --> 00:10:58,854 Believe me, when you meet my mom, you'll thank God for Evelyn. 198 00:10:59,023 --> 00:11:00,332 What the hell is your mom... 199 00:11:00,495 --> 00:11:03,462 a rabid werewolf that craps hot lava on people? 200 00:11:04,526 --> 00:11:06,217 Never mind about my mother. 201 00:11:06,383 --> 00:11:07,383 Let's play. 202 00:11:08,207 --> 00:11:09,255 I don't know. 203 00:11:10,030 --> 00:11:11,208 What's the matter? 204 00:11:11,823 --> 00:11:14,190 All this talk about mothers, I'm not in the mood. 205 00:11:14,351 --> 00:11:15,812 Bet I could get you in the mood. 206 00:11:16,431 --> 00:11:19,814 Maybe, but it would be a cheap manipulation. 207 00:11:21,198 --> 00:11:24,264 All right, but don't come rubbing up against me in the night. 208 00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:25,928 I won't. 209 00:11:26,095 --> 00:11:27,656 Fine. Good night. 210 00:11:27,823 --> 00:11:29,546 Good night. 211 00:11:42,287 --> 00:11:44,676 Don't even think about it. 212 00:11:52,719 --> 00:11:54,661 Listen, you gotta do me a favor. 213 00:11:54,831 --> 00:11:56,718 That's what I live for. 214 00:11:57,135 --> 00:11:59,273 Sarcasm is for winners, Alan. 215 00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:04,790 What can I do for you? 216 00:12:05,262 --> 00:12:10,696 Chelsea's somehow gotten it into her head that mom is, you know, human. 217 00:12:12,239 --> 00:12:13,515 You need to set her straight. 218 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:16,526 - Why don't you set her straight? - She doesn't believe me. 219 00:12:16,687 --> 00:12:19,108 Probably because I turned out okay. 220 00:12:21,391 --> 00:12:24,707 She needs to hear from somebody whose life is wrecked and unsalvageable. 221 00:12:24,879 --> 00:12:26,123 I.e., you. 222 00:12:27,599 --> 00:12:29,900 Thanks. And what do you expect me to say? 223 00:12:31,278 --> 00:12:34,377 I don't know, just tell her about your phobias, your obsessions... 224 00:12:34,543 --> 00:12:38,340 your failures: work, marriage, and parenthood. She'll connect the dots. 225 00:12:39,695 --> 00:12:41,156 You know what? I think I'll pass. 226 00:12:41,679 --> 00:12:44,713 Oh, come on. I always back you up when you need me. 227 00:12:45,359 --> 00:12:46,919 When have you ever backed me up? 228 00:12:48,495 --> 00:12:50,382 Okay, let's stay focused on my problems. 229 00:12:51,599 --> 00:12:54,184 I'm not gonna argue we didn't have a difficult childhood... 230 00:12:54,351 --> 00:12:55,977 but really, who had a good one? 231 00:12:56,142 --> 00:12:57,833 Isn't it time we forgive and forget? 232 00:12:59,118 --> 00:13:00,231 Where's this coming from? 233 00:13:00,399 --> 00:13:03,082 No, I'm just saying that maybe our lives would be richer... 234 00:13:03,247 --> 00:13:06,476 if we let go of this pointless resentment toward our mother... 235 00:13:06,639 --> 00:13:08,908 and just move on with our lives. 236 00:13:09,359 --> 00:13:11,268 She got to you, didn't she? 237 00:13:11,950 --> 00:13:14,503 - What are you talking about? - What did she do? 238 00:13:14,671 --> 00:13:15,671 Pay off your car? 239 00:13:17,071 --> 00:13:19,110 Get that dead black tooth fixed? 240 00:13:20,047 --> 00:13:22,119 Listen to yourself. I have to go to work. 241 00:13:23,022 --> 00:13:25,324 - Hold it. - What? 242 00:13:25,775 --> 00:13:27,914 - Your watch. - What about it? 243 00:13:28,078 --> 00:13:30,861 It doesn't have Hamburglars on the wrist band. 244 00:13:33,422 --> 00:13:34,764 So? 245 00:13:34,927 --> 00:13:37,349 - Let me see it. - No, it's mine. 246 00:13:37,903 --> 00:13:39,496 CHARLIE: Let me see it. 247 00:13:39,663 --> 00:13:41,354 Let me see it. 248 00:13:43,311 --> 00:13:44,620 This is a Rolex. 249 00:13:45,550 --> 00:13:47,012 You sold me out for a watch. 250 00:13:47,183 --> 00:13:49,452 Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch. 251 00:13:49,615 --> 00:13:51,589 I sold you out for a Swiss chronometer. 252 00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:57,676 Stainless steel submariner, waterproof to up to 300 meters. 253 00:13:57,838 --> 00:13:59,464 And look, it winds itself. 254 00:14:03,855 --> 00:14:06,921 Put it on your right arm, it'll run forever. 255 00:14:12,175 --> 00:14:13,997 Oh, good thinking. 256 00:14:14,158 --> 00:14:16,013 Oh, hey, look, what else I got? 257 00:14:16,174 --> 00:14:19,076 Genuine porcelain veneer. 258 00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:22,347 From an English-speaking dentist. 259 00:14:23,342 --> 00:14:26,659 "From an English-speaking dentist." 260 00:14:28,654 --> 00:14:29,996 Hey, Jake. I need a favor. 261 00:14:30,159 --> 00:14:32,134 Sorry, I can't say bad things about Grandma. 262 00:14:33,295 --> 00:14:36,907 Okay. What did she buy you? New guitar? Mini bike? 263 00:14:37,550 --> 00:14:38,550 Pizza. 264 00:14:40,303 --> 00:14:42,059 You sold me out for a pizza? 265 00:14:42,542 --> 00:14:45,259 Not just a pizza, a meat lovers pizza. 266 00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:57,060 M is for the misery she caused me 267 00:14:58,158 --> 00:15:02,315 O is for the other things she did 268 00:15:03,599 --> 00:15:09,349 T is for the traitor who's my brother 269 00:15:10,030 --> 00:15:15,976 H is for the hump who is his kid 270 00:15:17,102 --> 00:15:18,662 No, it's true. 271 00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:21,449 They can bleach anything these days. 272 00:15:21,614 --> 00:15:22,694 Really? 273 00:15:22,862 --> 00:15:24,269 It's gotta burn like hell. 274 00:15:24,430 --> 00:15:26,764 Like a lit cigar. 275 00:15:27,662 --> 00:15:28,742 But it's worth it. 276 00:15:28,911 --> 00:15:31,464 Curb appeal isn't just for the front door. 277 00:15:31,983 --> 00:15:36,838 E is for extremely frightening girl talk 278 00:15:37,934 --> 00:15:39,822 - Oh, hey, honey. - How was shopping? 279 00:15:39,983 --> 00:15:41,510 Mom, pick up any new souls? 280 00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,671 Charlie, that's uncalled for. 281 00:15:46,095 --> 00:15:47,883 It's okay, Chelsea. 282 00:15:48,047 --> 00:15:49,159 He can't help himself. 283 00:15:49,583 --> 00:15:50,583 Yes, he can. 284 00:15:50,735 --> 00:15:53,190 There's no excuse for speaking to your mother that way. 285 00:15:53,967 --> 00:15:55,755 You don't know that. 286 00:15:56,687 --> 00:15:58,629 Evelyn, thank you for a wonderful day. 287 00:15:58,798 --> 00:16:02,759 Pleasure was mine. It's nice to be appreciated for a change. 288 00:16:02,927 --> 00:16:04,683 - We on for yoga tomorrow? - Can't wait. 289 00:16:06,447 --> 00:16:09,381 Oh, and, of course, you and Charlie are coming for dinner on Saturday. 290 00:16:09,550 --> 00:16:11,525 - We wouldn't miss it. - Um, um... 291 00:16:11,695 --> 00:16:12,938 Actually... 292 00:16:13,102 --> 00:16:15,437 Chels, we have plans on Saturday, remember? 293 00:16:15,599 --> 00:16:19,974 - What plans? - Oh, for God sake, can't you just play along? 294 00:16:21,742 --> 00:16:24,939 - We'll be there. - Wonderful. Ta-ta. 295 00:16:26,990 --> 00:16:30,503 - You proud of yourself? - Not really, I lost that one. 296 00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:37,444 R is for the rifle in my mouth 297 00:16:40,174 --> 00:16:45,673 Put them all together they spell "mother" 298 00:16:46,350 --> 00:16:51,620 A word that's only half of how I feel 299 00:17:01,327 --> 00:17:02,603 Hello. 300 00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:05,357 I am Alan Cousteau. 301 00:17:07,502 --> 00:17:09,891 I left the Calypso... 302 00:17:10,606 --> 00:17:13,454 at 0500 hours... 303 00:17:13,615 --> 00:17:17,674 and have descended to a depth of 60 fathoms. 304 00:17:17,839 --> 00:17:22,595 And yet my Rolex is keeping perfect time. 305 00:17:24,942 --> 00:17:25,957 Oh, look... 306 00:17:26,127 --> 00:17:28,330 there goes a giant squid. 307 00:17:28,782 --> 00:17:30,571 Alan? 308 00:17:34,767 --> 00:17:36,196 Yes? 309 00:17:36,910 --> 00:17:37,910 What are you doing? 310 00:17:39,438 --> 00:17:40,715 Um... 311 00:17:42,415 --> 00:17:44,324 I got no good answer. 312 00:17:46,255 --> 00:17:48,394 It's Saturday night, and I'm all alone. 313 00:17:49,038 --> 00:17:52,682 Do you know where Charlie is? We're supposed to be at your mother's at 7. 314 00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:55,882 Oh. You are cutting it close. 315 00:17:57,871 --> 00:17:58,871 Have you seen him? 316 00:17:59,023 --> 00:18:01,324 Not for a couple hours. Have you tried his cell? 317 00:18:01,486 --> 00:18:03,559 I did, there's no answer. I'm getting worried. 318 00:18:04,879 --> 00:18:07,180 CHARLIE: Chelsea, I'm home. - Thank goodness. 319 00:18:09,070 --> 00:18:11,754 I return to the deep. 320 00:18:13,006 --> 00:18:14,348 Where have you been? 321 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,398 Picking up a little surprise for you. 322 00:18:16,559 --> 00:18:18,315 Come on in. 323 00:18:19,662 --> 00:18:24,364 - Mom? - Hello, sweetie. Oh. Ooh. 324 00:18:24,526 --> 00:18:26,828 Feels like you gave up on the Jenny Craig, huh? 325 00:18:29,102 --> 00:18:32,004 - What are you doing here? - I flew her in from Illinois. 326 00:18:32,175 --> 00:18:34,149 First class, very swanky. 327 00:18:34,318 --> 00:18:37,995 Of course, I had some rich Jew lawyer chewing my ear off the whole way. 328 00:18:39,247 --> 00:18:40,556 Tell her about the food. 329 00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,955 Oh, the food was terrific... 330 00:18:43,118 --> 00:18:46,501 but the flight attendant was a colored homo. 331 00:18:47,887 --> 00:18:50,985 Really, I'm glad they make them pick up the dinner rolls with tongs... 332 00:18:51,150 --> 00:18:53,005 because I can't risk the AIDS. 333 00:18:55,727 --> 00:18:58,182 I hope you didn't fill up. We're going for dinner. 334 00:18:58,351 --> 00:19:00,652 Oh, how nice. 335 00:19:00,815 --> 00:19:02,341 Now, be honest with me, Charlie. 336 00:19:02,510 --> 00:19:06,983 You're so dark and handsome, you gotta have some dago in you, right? 337 00:19:10,094 --> 00:19:12,745 God, I love your mom. 338 00:19:19,182 --> 00:19:22,052 That was the worst dinner of my life. 339 00:19:22,734 --> 00:19:25,517 Really? I thought the two moms hit it off. 340 00:19:26,062 --> 00:19:28,397 Kind of country mouse, city mouse. 341 00:19:28,878 --> 00:19:33,002 I especially liked the part when country mouse kicked off her shoes... 342 00:19:33,167 --> 00:19:36,680 put her big yellow bunions up on city mouse's mahogany coffee table... 343 00:19:37,422 --> 00:19:41,317 and asked her how she liked having a commie Arab for a president. 344 00:19:42,990 --> 00:19:44,517 You've made your point, Charlie. 345 00:19:44,687 --> 00:19:47,589 Point? Whatever do you mean? 346 00:19:47,759 --> 00:19:50,377 You leave my mother alone, and I'll leave yours alone. 347 00:19:50,543 --> 00:19:52,168 Well, gosh, I don't know. 348 00:19:52,334 --> 00:19:54,123 I've really taken a shine to your mom. 349 00:19:55,183 --> 00:19:58,182 She promised to teach me how to chew tobacco and burn a cross. 350 00:19:58,958 --> 00:20:00,267 Do we have a deal or not? 351 00:20:00,751 --> 00:20:02,125 Deal. Come here. 352 00:20:02,286 --> 00:20:04,075 I'm not in the mood. 353 00:20:04,239 --> 00:20:05,483 All right. 354 00:20:05,647 --> 00:20:08,680 But don't be rubbing up against me in the middle of the night. 355 00:20:08,974 --> 00:20:10,054 Don't worry, I won't. 356 00:20:10,734 --> 00:20:11,749 Good night. 357 00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:13,445 Good night. 358 00:20:21,582 --> 00:20:23,491 All right, I was bluffing. 359 00:20:25,551 --> 00:20:27,274 Feel free to rub. 360 00:20:27,502 --> 00:20:29,673 Rub yourself. 361 00:20:31,823 --> 00:20:32,823 Chels? 362 00:20:32,974 --> 00:20:34,436 What? 363 00:20:35,311 --> 00:20:38,180 Can you watch me so it's not weird?