1
00:00:02,096 --> 00:00:05,412
Let's see. Sperm meets egg here.

2
00:00:05,584 --> 00:00:10,570
Um, 30 days has September.
All the rest have 31.

3
00:00:10,735 --> 00:00:13,867
Except for Judith, who has 28.

4
00:00:14,671 --> 00:00:17,038
Hey, Alan. Meet Don.

5
00:00:17,583 --> 00:00:19,852
- Hello, Don.
- Hello, Alan.

6
00:00:21,264 --> 00:00:23,752
Don drove me home
and I don't have any money.

7
00:00:24,432 --> 00:00:26,188
Okay. Uh, is Don a cabbie?

8
00:00:26,479 --> 00:00:31,662
No. No. Don is a close personal friend.

9
00:00:31,983 --> 00:00:33,990
Don is a cabbie, he has enough friends...

10
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,134
and he wants his $80.

11
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:39,374
- What happened to your money?
- Good question.

12
00:00:39,535 --> 00:00:42,186
You know how easy
Texas Hold'em looks on TV...

13
00:00:42,351 --> 00:00:44,555
when you can see
the other guys' hole cards?

14
00:00:44,975 --> 00:00:47,179
- Yeah.
- Very different in real life.

15
00:00:49,808 --> 00:00:54,794
Uh, 20, 40, 60, 80.

16
00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:57,545
No tip?

17
00:00:58,383 --> 00:00:59,944
Hold on.

18
00:01:00,431 --> 00:01:03,660
Let me see. Five dollar-

19
00:01:03,823 --> 00:01:07,206
Keep you money, Mr. Trump.
You need it more than I do.

20
00:01:09,104 --> 00:01:10,664
Are we still on for lunch?

21
00:01:17,359 --> 00:01:19,596
I think you offended Don.

22
00:01:19,983 --> 00:01:21,925
He'll get over it. Where's your car?

23
00:01:22,352 --> 00:01:26,149
Don't change the subject.
You owe Don an apology.

24
00:01:27,248 --> 00:01:29,582
- Oh, hey, a calendar.
- Yeah.

25
00:01:30,032 --> 00:01:34,636
- What's "JMC" stand for?
- Nothing.

26
00:01:34,799 --> 00:01:38,411
Oh, come on. John Mellencamp Cougar?

27
00:01:39,216 --> 00:01:40,393
No.

28
00:01:40,559 --> 00:01:43,658
Jumping Methodist Cougar?

29
00:01:44,784 --> 00:01:47,501
- No.
- Then I give up.

30
00:01:47,887 --> 00:01:51,204
Well, if you must know,
it stands for "Judith's menstrual cycle."

31
00:01:55,823 --> 00:01:58,311
- Get out.
- No, look.

32
00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:00,847
This is when Judith and Herb broke up.

33
00:02:01,008 --> 00:02:03,429
And this is the day
that I had sex with her.

34
00:02:04,015 --> 00:02:07,431
Dude, you need a better hobby.

35
00:02:08,784 --> 00:02:11,653
Judith is now five months pregnant.

36
00:02:11,823 --> 00:02:13,612
Oh, yeah, right.

37
00:02:13,776 --> 00:02:16,874
She's probably in that sweet spot
where her boobs are big and cushy...

38
00:02:17,039 --> 00:02:19,308
but her ass is still normal.

39
00:02:19,631 --> 00:02:23,493
Charlie, it is almost certain
that I am the father of Judith's baby.

40
00:02:24,048 --> 00:02:26,317
Are you still grinding on this?

41
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,748
What if it's a girl?
I always wanted a daughter.

42
00:02:28,911 --> 00:02:32,326
I finally get one
and some other guy gets to be her dad.

43
00:02:32,495 --> 00:02:35,844
I feel like the universe is playing
some horrible practical joke on me.

44
00:02:36,335 --> 00:02:40,743
Wow, I lost $8000 playing poker...

45
00:02:40,912 --> 00:02:43,246
have no idea where my car is...

46
00:02:43,407 --> 00:02:46,374
threw up in my mouth three times...

47
00:02:46,543 --> 00:02:49,096
and I'm still having a better night
than you are.

48
00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:52,295
I don't expect you to understand.

49
00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:54,252
You don't know the joy
of being a parent.

50
00:02:54,416 --> 00:02:57,514
Of watching a part of you
grow and develop...

51
00:02:57,679 --> 00:03:00,298
blooming into a fully-formed
human being.

52
00:03:12,271 --> 00:03:14,027
Four times.

53
00:03:23,887 --> 00:03:24,967
- Hi.
- Hi.

54
00:03:25,136 --> 00:03:27,307
Jake, your father's here.

55
00:03:28,271 --> 00:03:30,027
- So how you doing?
- Good.

56
00:03:30,447 --> 00:03:32,552
- Over the morning sickness?
- Yes, Alan.

57
00:03:32,719 --> 00:03:36,647
Uh, by my calculations
probably about a week, 10 days ago.

58
00:03:37,519 --> 00:03:39,494
- That sounds right.
- Good, good.

59
00:03:39,663 --> 00:03:42,304
You have a nice break till the, uh,
old hemorrhoids come a-calling.

60
00:03:43,503 --> 00:03:45,096
Jake!

61
00:03:46,671 --> 00:03:49,486
Judith, are we gonna talk about
the elephant in the room?

62
00:03:49,903 --> 00:03:53,678
- What elephant?
- Come on, you, me, the baby?

63
00:03:53,839 --> 00:03:57,155
- We did have unprotected sex when-
- You shut your mouth. We did not.

64
00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:00,869
- Yes, we did.
- Read my lips. We did not have sex.

65
00:04:01,039 --> 00:04:03,909
- Oh, hey, Alan. How goes it?
- Oh, uh, fine, Herb.

66
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,967
- How you doing?
- Proud as a peacock.

67
00:04:06,127 --> 00:04:08,069
- Honey, did you show him the sonogram?
- No.

68
00:04:08,239 --> 00:04:09,646
Oh, you should see her, Alan.

69
00:04:09,903 --> 00:04:11,397
Her? So it is a girl?

70
00:04:11,568 --> 00:04:15,310
Yep. One fresh-faced little fetus
sans wee-wee.

71
00:04:16,208 --> 00:04:18,597
I always wanted a "sans wee-wee."

72
00:04:18,767 --> 00:04:19,945
Well, you can't have mine.

73
00:04:21,264 --> 00:04:22,264
No, no, of course not.

74
00:04:22,415 --> 00:04:25,317
- Hey, wanna see the nursery?
- He doesn't wanna see the nursery.

75
00:04:25,487 --> 00:04:27,756
Sure. You going with mermaids?
Girls love mermaids.

76
00:04:27,919 --> 00:04:29,959
Oh, actually, I was thinking little ponies.

77
00:04:30,127 --> 00:04:31,687
- Little ponies?
- Yeah. Why?

78
00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:36,045
Oh, gosh. Little ponies
have little penises.

79
00:04:36,207 --> 00:04:38,574
Really?
I didn't notice that on the stencils.

80
00:04:39,152 --> 00:04:40,559
Let's go take a look.

81
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,181
- I'm ready.
- Oh, uh, I'll be right back.

82
00:04:42,351 --> 00:04:44,042
I'm just gonna go see the baby's room.

83
00:04:44,208 --> 00:04:48,201
- He never wants to see my room.
- That's because your room is a pig sty.

84
00:04:48,367 --> 00:04:49,774
I didn't ask for a reason.

85
00:04:56,911 --> 00:05:00,260
Alan, buddy, I'm getting a little concerned
about your drinking.

86
00:05:00,431 --> 00:05:01,543
I don't have a problem.

87
00:05:02,031 --> 00:05:05,512
Well, I do. You're swilling my good stuff.

88
00:05:06,736 --> 00:05:07,736
Here.

89
00:05:09,039 --> 00:05:10,697
Have some Old Walmart.

90
00:05:12,719 --> 00:05:13,719
Thank you.

91
00:05:15,119 --> 00:05:16,119
What's this?

92
00:05:16,271 --> 00:05:18,246
Uh, a diary I kept
during Judith's pregnancy.

93
00:05:18,607 --> 00:05:21,390
"Jennifer, Jocelyn, Jasmine, Jolene"?

94
00:05:21,551 --> 00:05:25,064
Some of the names that we picked out
in case Jake had been a girl.

95
00:05:25,232 --> 00:05:27,785
Oh, man.
Can you imagine him as a chick?

96
00:05:29,167 --> 00:05:30,215
Woof.

97
00:05:32,208 --> 00:05:34,280
Yeah, well, that's not how it turned out.

98
00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:35,590
Think about it, though.

99
00:05:35,759 --> 00:05:39,272
Every weekend, me, you
and a big ugly girl with a bad haircut.

100
00:05:40,463 --> 00:05:43,146
- I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie.
- Okay, okay.

101
00:05:43,311 --> 00:05:46,028
First of all, you don't know it's your kid.

102
00:05:46,191 --> 00:05:49,901
All we know is that when Judith and Herb
broke up, you nailed Judith.

103
00:05:50,063 --> 00:05:52,300
Then when they reconciled,
Herb nailed Judith.

104
00:05:52,464 --> 00:05:55,660
So the only thing we know for sure
is that, despite all outward appearances...

105
00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:57,383
Judith is a slut.

106
00:05:58,031 --> 00:06:01,195
Hey, I'm aware that technically
either one of us could be the father...

107
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:04,426
but I know in my gut
that this is my sweet bastard child.

108
00:06:04,911 --> 00:06:06,023
You don't know squat.

109
00:06:06,735 --> 00:06:08,971
You wanna talk technically?

110
00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:12,551
Technically,
maybe neither one of you is the father.

111
00:06:12,719 --> 00:06:14,759
Oh, dear God, Charlie.
What have you done?

112
00:06:16,079 --> 00:06:18,981
Not me, you fool. Although if I'd known
she was that easy, maybe-

113
00:06:19,151 --> 00:06:20,198
Stop.

114
00:06:21,039 --> 00:06:23,974
I'm saying is there could very well
be some guy in her driveway...

115
00:06:24,143 --> 00:06:26,827
with a leaf blower pining away
for baby Juanita.

116
00:06:27,503 --> 00:06:30,318
That's just ridiculous.
Judith won't even eat Mexican food.

117
00:06:31,311 --> 00:06:32,588
Look, look.

118
00:06:32,751 --> 00:06:36,264
Even if you're right, doing anything about
it is just gonna destroy a marriage.

119
00:06:36,431 --> 00:06:39,911
I know. I know. It's just so hard
to ignore my paternal instincts.

120
00:06:40,175 --> 00:06:44,550
Sure, I see those instincts with Jake
and I admire them.

121
00:06:44,719 --> 00:06:46,759
I would've dropped him off
at an orphanage...

122
00:06:46,927 --> 00:06:49,000
with 20 bucks and a bag of doughnuts.

123
00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:51,588
No, you wouldn't.
He was adorable when he was a baby.

124
00:06:51,919 --> 00:06:55,148
Baby? I'm talking about last week.

125
00:06:57,263 --> 00:07:00,362
I walked into his room,
he was trying to bite his toenails.

126
00:07:01,775 --> 00:07:04,645
Let's be honest, that's monkey behavior.

127
00:07:05,328 --> 00:07:06,637
My son is not a monkey.

128
00:07:06,799 --> 00:07:10,955
My point here is forget the baby.
You've already got a kid to raise.

129
00:07:11,119 --> 00:07:12,166
Yeah, I guess.

130
00:07:12,527 --> 00:07:13,804
Hi.

131
00:07:21,519 --> 00:07:22,981
He's not a monkey.

132
00:07:26,735 --> 00:07:29,256
<i>- Did a good job
upfront and he had a ton of-</i>

133
00:07:29,423 --> 00:07:31,463
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

134
00:07:31,631 --> 00:07:34,893
- I don't wanna watch football.
- Nobody cares what you wanna watch.

135
00:07:35,727 --> 00:07:37,615
Why do you get to decide everything?

136
00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:41,191
Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because
I bought everything around here.

137
00:07:41,615 --> 00:07:43,786
Oh, right, play the money card.
That's all you got.

138
00:07:44,271 --> 00:07:47,053
That's all I need. Now shut up.

139
00:07:48,911 --> 00:07:50,766
No, you shut up.

140
00:07:54,351 --> 00:07:59,053
All right, I'm gonna count to three
and then I'm gonna kick your ass.

141
00:07:59,759 --> 00:08:01,352
Ooh, I'm scared.

142
00:08:02,576 --> 00:08:04,168
One.

143
00:08:05,263 --> 00:08:07,150
- Two.
- I'm only leaving because I'm bored.

144
00:08:09,999 --> 00:08:12,366
He keeps growing, I'm screwed.

145
00:08:13,551 --> 00:08:16,234
Hey, uh, you wanna hear
what I wrote the night you were born?

146
00:08:16,399 --> 00:08:17,512
Not really.

147
00:08:18,127 --> 00:08:20,516
Oh, come on. Come on, uh, sit down.
You'll like it.

148
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:25,670
It's kind of a poem, heh. Um...

149
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:29,035
<i>My son, my son, my only one</i>

150
00:08:29,199 --> 00:08:31,916
<i>You open my heart like the morning sun</i>

151
00:08:32,079 --> 00:08:34,894
<i>Your tiny face, your tiny hand</i>

152
00:08:35,055 --> 00:08:38,187
<i>Never have I felt a love so grand</i>

153
00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:41,966
Gay.

154
00:08:47,983 --> 00:08:50,372
What do you know about poetry,
you monkey?

155
00:08:56,239 --> 00:08:57,239
Oh, hey, Herb.

156
00:08:57,391 --> 00:09:00,152
Thought I'd stop by and see if you need
any help with the baby's room.

157
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:01,963
- Thanks. I'm painting today.
- Oh, great.

158
00:09:02,127 --> 00:09:04,745
Just call me Vincent van Gogh-ing
to help you.

159
00:09:07,311 --> 00:09:09,220
Funnier in my head. Let's go.

160
00:09:10,095 --> 00:09:12,462
Oh, look who stopped by
to help paint the baby's room.

161
00:09:12,623 --> 00:09:14,794
- Surprise.
- Herb doesn't need any help, Alan.

162
00:09:14,959 --> 00:09:16,236
- Yes, I do.
- Yes, he does.

163
00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:20,141
Come on, I'm just gonna start
on the unicorn stencils.

164
00:09:20,303 --> 00:09:24,329
Unicorns? Oh, Herb,
that's just a pony with a strap-on.

165
00:09:29,743 --> 00:09:31,172
I know, tell me about it.

166
00:09:31,343 --> 00:09:34,475
It's like nine kinds of suck
in an eight-suck bag.

167
00:09:35,311 --> 00:09:36,838
- Hey, Jake?
- Gotta go.

168
00:09:37,199 --> 00:09:38,606
I didn't mean to interrupt.

169
00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:41,327
Yeah, well, you should have thought of that
before you barged in.

170
00:09:43,439 --> 00:09:44,900
Yeah.

171
00:09:45,263 --> 00:09:46,692
The reason I barged in...

172
00:09:46,862 --> 00:09:49,513
was to apologize for threatening
to kick your ass.

173
00:09:49,679 --> 00:09:50,923
I wouldn't really do that.

174
00:09:51,087 --> 00:09:53,356
You couldn't really do that.

175
00:09:55,759 --> 00:09:59,239
Anyway, I was thinking about
ordering a pizza. You interested?

176
00:09:59,407 --> 00:10:00,716
No, thanks.

177
00:10:00,879 --> 00:10:02,951
Maybe you didn't hear me. Pizza.

178
00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:07,619
Dough, sauce, cheese, grease, meat.
I've seen you lick the box.

179
00:10:08,047 --> 00:10:09,705
I'm not hungry.

180
00:10:09,871 --> 00:10:12,620
- Okay, what the hell's wrong with you?
- Nothing.

181
00:10:13,295 --> 00:10:15,945
Fine. Be that way.

182
00:10:18,383 --> 00:10:20,139
I know what's going on here.

183
00:10:20,303 --> 00:10:22,584
You're bent out of shape
because your mom's having a baby.

184
00:10:22,703 --> 00:10:25,452
- No, I'm not.
- It's okay. Nothing to be ashamed of.

185
00:10:25,615 --> 00:10:30,700
In fact, I know exactly how you feel.
My mom's second child ruined my life.

186
00:10:31,247 --> 00:10:33,003
- That's my dad.
- Uh-huh.

187
00:10:34,639 --> 00:10:36,908
But listen, it wasn't all bad.

188
00:10:37,295 --> 00:10:39,596
When babies grow up a little,
you can have fun with them.

189
00:10:39,759 --> 00:10:43,753
You know, pee in their canteen,
teach them to stutter.

190
00:10:43,919 --> 00:10:46,286
The down side is they're so damaged...

191
00:10:46,447 --> 00:10:49,894
later on they move into your guest room
with their kid and never leave.

192
00:10:50,063 --> 00:10:52,681
Not that I don't love having you here.

193
00:10:52,847 --> 00:10:54,757
You're a delight.

194
00:10:55,791 --> 00:10:58,278
- I'm fine with the baby.
- Really?

195
00:10:58,447 --> 00:11:00,040
I'm kind of looking forward to it.

196
00:11:00,815 --> 00:11:02,670
Well, that's a novel approach.

197
00:11:02,831 --> 00:11:06,606
So if it's not the baby, then why have you
been such a dillweed lately?

198
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:08,905
- None of your business.
- So it's a girl.

199
00:11:09,070 --> 00:11:11,307
- Just get out of my room.
- Make me.

200
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:14,253
God, you're such a child.

201
00:11:16,463 --> 00:11:19,016
Oh, yeah, it's a girl.

202
00:11:19,630 --> 00:11:22,216
- Hmm. Jolene.
- Yeah.

203
00:11:22,383 --> 00:11:24,871
Jolene Melnick.

204
00:11:25,071 --> 00:11:28,519
- Nope, I don't think so.
- Why not? You could call her Jo or Josie.

205
00:11:28,687 --> 00:11:31,021
Kind of wanted to name her
after my grandma Mildred.

206
00:11:31,535 --> 00:11:35,397
- Mildred Melnick?
- Yeah. We could call her Mil or Millie.

207
00:11:35,567 --> 00:11:36,567
I'm sorry, Herb.

208
00:11:36,719 --> 00:11:40,581
With a name like Mildred you might as well
call her Staff Sergeant Melnick.

209
00:11:41,039 --> 00:11:43,527
- Herb, can you get the cookies for me?
- Oh, sure.

210
00:11:43,695 --> 00:11:46,924
We, uh, keep them on the top shelf
of the pantry. You know, Jake.

211
00:11:47,087 --> 00:11:50,283
Yeah. Charlie keeps his fudge nuggets
in the trunk of his car.

212
00:11:50,447 --> 00:11:52,389
Thank you, dear.

213
00:11:53,743 --> 00:11:55,597
What are you doing here?

214
00:11:56,271 --> 00:11:58,093
I'm helping my friend. Helping you.

215
00:11:58,255 --> 00:12:01,800
If not for me, our little girl would be
surrounded by metaphorical pony peni.

216
00:12:02,351 --> 00:12:05,831
Our little girl? I don't know what you
imagine happened between you and me...

217
00:12:05,999 --> 00:12:08,934
but if you say anything to Herb,
I'll put a gun in your mouth...

218
00:12:09,102 --> 00:12:11,077
and paint these walls with your brains.

219
00:12:11,407 --> 00:12:13,611
I think we settled on mermaids.

220
00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:15,882
Cookie for my cookie?

221
00:12:16,047 --> 00:12:17,047
Oh, yum. Thank you.

222
00:12:19,983 --> 00:12:22,765
- Wow, pregnancy's a wild ride, huh?
- Ugh.

223
00:12:22,927 --> 00:12:26,276
One minute she's loving and affectionate
and the next minute she's, well-

224
00:12:26,734 --> 00:12:28,840
Cruel? Vengeful? Castrating?

225
00:12:29,006 --> 00:12:30,665
I was gonna say "moody."

226
00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:32,489
Wait for it.

227
00:12:34,319 --> 00:12:36,588
Of course I wanna go to the party.

228
00:12:36,751 --> 00:12:38,758
Because my stupid uncle won't let me.

229
00:12:41,807 --> 00:12:43,945
I don't know,
because he's old and clueless.

230
00:12:44,591 --> 00:12:47,689
No, I can't sneak out. I gotta be
here to change his adult diapers.

231
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:50,375
Otherwise, he just sits in his own filth.

232
00:12:51,055 --> 00:12:53,356
I know, it's really gross.

233
00:12:54,255 --> 00:12:57,037
- Hi there.
- Gotta go.

234
00:12:58,447 --> 00:13:00,749
You're not supposed to listen
to my private conversations.

235
00:13:00,911 --> 00:13:03,300
You're not supposed to tell people
I crap my pants.

236
00:13:04,174 --> 00:13:05,189
Okay, whatever.

237
00:13:10,095 --> 00:13:13,258
What's the deal with this party
I'm supposedly not letting you go to...

238
00:13:13,422 --> 00:13:15,975
like I give a rat's ass
about your social life.

239
00:13:16,398 --> 00:13:17,398
Just leave me alone.

240
00:13:17,807 --> 00:13:20,557
You know that's not gonna happen.
Come on, you can trust me.

241
00:13:20,719 --> 00:13:22,799
You told me
"Never trust a guy who says 'Trust me. "'

242
00:13:22,831 --> 00:13:24,718
Did you trust me when I told you that?

243
00:13:24,879 --> 00:13:26,767
Um, I'm confused.

244
00:13:27,310 --> 00:13:29,863
Now tell me why
you don't wanna go to this party.

245
00:13:30,446 --> 00:13:34,156
- I can't tell you. It's embarrassing.
- Okay, okay.

246
00:13:35,279 --> 00:13:38,061
How about I tell you something
embarrassing about myself first?

247
00:13:38,222 --> 00:13:39,531
Like what?

248
00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,582
Well, let's see.

249
00:13:41,743 --> 00:13:42,987
All right.

250
00:13:43,886 --> 00:13:45,709
About 15 years ago, I was in Bangkok.

251
00:13:48,879 --> 00:13:50,821
- What?
- Bangkok.

252
00:13:53,071 --> 00:13:56,071
- It's a real place, you nimrod.
- Still funny, though.

253
00:13:57,678 --> 00:14:01,508
Anyway, I was in this bar
and I met this beautiful woman...

254
00:14:01,678 --> 00:14:05,573
and I was a little drunk
and I didn't notice the Adam's apple.

255
00:14:08,142 --> 00:14:09,386
But later that night-

256
00:14:11,630 --> 00:14:13,997
Well, believe me,
I was really embarrassed.

257
00:14:14,735 --> 00:14:16,873
Girls don't have Adam's apples.

258
00:14:18,702 --> 00:14:20,874
Oh, dude. You are such a 'mo.

259
00:14:23,119 --> 00:14:26,763
- No, no, no. We just kissed.
- Aw, that's even worse.

260
00:14:28,654 --> 00:14:31,916
- All right. I shared, now you share.
- You didn't have to share that.

261
00:14:33,839 --> 00:14:36,359
A fart in the lunch line
would've made your point.

262
00:14:37,423 --> 00:14:39,911
I get it. I'm sorry. Now talk.

263
00:14:41,486 --> 00:14:42,893
Okay.

264
00:14:43,054 --> 00:14:46,316
Well, there's this girl I kind of like
and she's gonna be at the party tonight.

265
00:14:46,479 --> 00:14:47,479
Uh-huh.

266
00:14:47,631 --> 00:14:50,795
And she said she wants
to hook up with me.

267
00:14:51,438 --> 00:14:52,780
And you're nervous.

268
00:14:52,943 --> 00:14:55,496
Well, she's gone out with a ninth grader
and she's done stuff.

269
00:14:56,207 --> 00:14:57,800
Okay, I get it.

270
00:14:57,966 --> 00:15:00,749
You've got yourself an experienced
older woman who knows more.

271
00:15:00,911 --> 00:15:02,187
Everybody knows more than me.

272
00:15:02,350 --> 00:15:04,231
You should hear the things
my friends have done.

273
00:15:04,526 --> 00:15:07,755
- Oh, please. How old are your friends?
- Same age as me.

274
00:15:11,023 --> 00:15:13,030
- How old are you?
- Fourteen.

275
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:15,462
Hmm, horrible age.

276
00:15:17,006 --> 00:15:18,435
All right, first of all...

277
00:15:18,607 --> 00:15:21,509
whenever 14-year-old boys talk
about sex, they're lying.

278
00:15:21,679 --> 00:15:25,159
But for a guy like you,
the truth can be a powerful tool.

279
00:15:28,430 --> 00:15:31,180
- What?
- Powerful tool.

280
00:15:32,559 --> 00:15:33,559
Stay with me, Jake.

281
00:15:33,711 --> 00:15:36,166
How about a powerful tool in Bangkok?

282
00:15:37,199 --> 00:15:41,160
Jake, what I'm trying to tell you here
is that the truth can work for you.

283
00:15:41,327 --> 00:15:42,952
That I don't know what I'm doing?

284
00:15:43,119 --> 00:15:46,829
Yep, play to your strengths.
Which in your case is ignorance.

285
00:15:48,271 --> 00:15:50,442
Here, I'll show you.

286
00:15:52,878 --> 00:15:57,483
You gently cup her face in your hands,
look her in the eye and tell her:

287
00:15:57,647 --> 00:16:01,356
"I'm new at this and I'm trusting you
to be patient with me."

288
00:16:01,518 --> 00:16:02,980
You're kidding.

289
00:16:03,694 --> 00:16:06,923
Nope. Girls eat that crap up.

290
00:16:07,215 --> 00:16:11,405
And I'll tell you something else, that line
will work for you all through college.

291
00:16:11,567 --> 00:16:13,738
Or in your case,
your second hitch in the Navy.

292
00:16:15,726 --> 00:16:17,831
Go get dressed
and I'll take you to that party.

293
00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:21,700
- Thanks, Uncle Charlie.
- No problem, buddy.

294
00:16:21,871 --> 00:16:24,391
Still didn't need to hear
that Bangkok story.

295
00:16:24,558 --> 00:16:25,605
I'm sorry.

296
00:16:25,774 --> 00:16:27,879
It's gonna give me nightmares.

297
00:16:29,199 --> 00:16:31,271
Welcome to the club.

298
00:16:34,478 --> 00:16:37,991
All right, we're agreed on a Montessori
preschool, but what about child care?

299
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,494
Oh, well, uh, Judith's mother has told us
we can count on her for babysitting.

300
00:16:42,319 --> 00:16:43,319
Ooh.

301
00:16:44,014 --> 00:16:46,796
- What?
- Oh, nothing. Lenore is a lovely woman.

302
00:16:46,958 --> 00:16:50,307
- I'm sure the baby will be fine.
- Oh, okay, good.

303
00:16:50,478 --> 00:16:53,707
Yeah, she's probably got a lid
on those demons by now.

304
00:16:54,734 --> 00:16:57,833
- What demons?
- Oh, ah, well, it's no biggie.

305
00:16:57,999 --> 00:17:01,315
Um, she just, uh, had a little rough patch
with the prescription pills.

306
00:17:02,543 --> 00:17:04,779
The intervention, the rehab.

307
00:17:06,190 --> 00:17:09,573
- There was an intervention?
- And rehab. Um, three times.

308
00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:14,021
- Three times?
- Well, so far. Um...

309
00:17:14,607 --> 00:17:16,395
Oh, dear God, what the hell happened?

310
00:17:18,030 --> 00:17:20,202
Golly, I didn't wanna be the one
to tell you.

311
00:17:21,006 --> 00:17:22,315
Alan, please.

312
00:17:23,630 --> 00:17:25,191
All right. Um...

313
00:17:25,935 --> 00:17:29,764
Lenore was babysitting one night,
and when Judith and I came home...

314
00:17:29,935 --> 00:17:33,896
we found her face down in a bowl
of H墧en-Dazs with Percocets in her hair.

315
00:17:34,382 --> 00:17:37,229
- You're kidding.
- Oh, that's not the scary part.

316
00:17:37,391 --> 00:17:41,613
Um, we heard some shrieking
and, uh, found baby Jake...

317
00:17:41,774 --> 00:17:45,451
with his head stuck in a doggie door
trying to fend off a raccoon.

318
00:17:45,614 --> 00:17:47,916
- A raccoon?
- Yeah. Yeah.

319
00:17:48,078 --> 00:17:50,053
We got him all the shots, uh,
just to be safe...

320
00:17:50,222 --> 00:17:52,710
but he was never the same after that.

321
00:17:53,838 --> 00:17:56,904
- Judith never told me about this.
- Well, it's her mother, Herb.

322
00:17:57,070 --> 00:17:58,379
I mean, what's she gonna say?

323
00:17:58,767 --> 00:18:00,709
But tell you what,
sneak up on Jake one night...

324
00:18:00,878 --> 00:18:02,919
wearing a Davy Crockett hat
and see what happens.

325
00:18:04,110 --> 00:18:07,787
Anyway, uh, if you ever need a sitter
for little Jolene...

326
00:18:07,950 --> 00:18:10,055
you, uh, you call Uncle Alan.

327
00:18:10,222 --> 00:18:13,037
- How's it going in here?
- Oh, honey. Good news.

328
00:18:13,198 --> 00:18:16,613
Alan's offered to babysit
so we don't have risk calling your mother.

329
00:18:17,615 --> 00:18:20,265
JUDITH:
Get out!

330
00:18:20,655 --> 00:18:23,240
A raccoon? And you believed him?

331
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:25,643
Are you insane?

332
00:18:31,854 --> 00:18:32,902
How do I look?

333
00:18:34,478 --> 00:18:36,453
- She already likes you, right?
- Yeah.

334
00:18:37,294 --> 00:18:38,374
Then you look great.

335
00:18:41,582 --> 00:18:43,109
Let's go.

336
00:18:46,094 --> 00:18:47,687
- Hello?
- Oh.

337
00:18:52,079 --> 00:18:53,901
I'm still not real sure about this.

338
00:18:54,670 --> 00:18:57,037
What's the big deal?
I told you how to handle it.

339
00:18:57,743 --> 00:19:00,132
I know. I just-

340
00:19:00,302 --> 00:19:02,190
I just don't wanna go.

341
00:19:03,662 --> 00:19:04,906
All right.

342
00:19:05,071 --> 00:19:06,412
All right.

343
00:19:06,766 --> 00:19:07,766
No hurry.

344
00:19:07,918 --> 00:19:10,668
It's not like they're gonna stop
making girls.

345
00:19:14,798 --> 00:19:16,227
Hey.

346
00:19:16,814 --> 00:19:18,953
How about we order that pizza
and watch a movie?

347
00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:21,672
Cool. I should probably change back
into my eating shirt.

348
00:19:23,022 --> 00:19:24,877
Don't worry. You can't ruin this shirt.

349
00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:28,844
What the hell is that cologne?

350
00:19:29,006 --> 00:19:31,243
Air freshener from the toilet.

351
00:19:33,519 --> 00:19:36,236
I figured I was spraying it anyway.

352
00:19:49,774 --> 00:19:52,644
Oh, hey, Judith. What's up?

353
00:19:52,815 --> 00:19:54,538
Actually, quite a bit.

354
00:19:55,087 --> 00:19:58,796
- Is something wrong?
- No, uh, it's just, um...

355
00:19:59,022 --> 00:20:02,438
- I think it's time you knew the truth.
- What truth?

356
00:20:02,862 --> 00:20:05,448
Marlene Melnick is your daughter.

357
00:20:07,502 --> 00:20:08,997
I knew it.

358
00:20:09,454 --> 00:20:11,396
For 14 years, I've known it.

359
00:20:11,567 --> 00:20:15,276
Well, I told her everything
and she wants to live with her real dad.

360
00:20:16,526 --> 00:20:17,736
That's great.

361
00:20:18,190 --> 00:20:20,907
It's okay, honey. Come on in.

362
00:20:21,294 --> 00:20:22,952
Hi, Daddy.

363
00:20:31,119 --> 00:20:32,166
You got anything to eat?

364
00:20:38,958 --> 00:20:40,103
Woof.