1
00:00:06,192 --> 00:00:08,330
Jake, you're hardly touching
your salad.

2
00:00:09,007 --> 00:00:11,309
I promised Berta I'd cut down
on the roughage.

3
00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:19,658
Well, all right, ahem,
why don't I get the soup?

4
00:00:21,679 --> 00:00:24,396
Based on the salad,
I'm not so optimistic.

5
00:00:25,231 --> 00:00:28,014
So you have absolutely no idea
why she invited us here?

6
00:00:28,176 --> 00:00:30,794
- All she said on the phone was dinner.
- You believed her?

7
00:00:31,983 --> 00:00:34,405
Good God, man,
do you realize what you've done?

8
00:00:35,248 --> 00:00:37,353
- Just relax.
- Just relax?

9
00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:40,651
We'll be lucky to leave here
with all of our limbs and gonads.

10
00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:43,789
- What's a gonad?
- You are.

11
00:00:45,776 --> 00:00:47,685
So it's bad.

12
00:00:48,303 --> 00:00:51,303
- You're not a gonad.
- Says the other gonad.

13
00:00:53,552 --> 00:00:55,340
Here we go.

14
00:00:55,503 --> 00:00:56,714
Potato leek soup.

15
00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:58,570
Oh, delightful.

16
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:01,574
You got any crackers?

17
00:01:02,159 --> 00:01:03,174
Crackers?

18
00:01:03,344 --> 00:01:05,286
I like having something crunchy
in my soup.

19
00:01:05,455 --> 00:01:07,627
Little goldfish, crouton, a stale bagel.

20
00:01:08,527 --> 00:01:10,567
I'll check. Go ahead and start.

21
00:01:11,024 --> 00:01:13,260
Captain Crunch will work in a pinch.

22
00:01:14,191 --> 00:01:16,014
I got a bad feeling about this, Alan.

23
00:01:16,463 --> 00:01:19,595
- What? We're having dinner with our mother.
- So you feel it too.

24
00:01:21,551 --> 00:01:24,398
What kind of person
doesn't serve crackers with soup?

25
00:01:25,039 --> 00:01:28,814
The only thing I have that's crunchy
is macadamia nuts.

26
00:01:30,415 --> 00:01:32,903
Interesting. Let's give her a try.

27
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:37,542
Well, I suppose you boys
are wondering why I asked you here.

28
00:01:38,095 --> 00:01:40,779
You mean, this isn't just a nice,
warm family dinner?

29
00:01:41,103 --> 00:01:42,630
Knock it off, Charlie.

30
00:01:43,951 --> 00:01:45,162
I have some good news.

31
00:01:45,328 --> 00:01:47,018
And no, I'm not dying.

32
00:01:47,823 --> 00:01:50,638
I didn't say anything.
Why would you even go there?

33
00:01:52,335 --> 00:01:53,612
Okay, I'm sorry.

34
00:01:54,576 --> 00:01:57,772
Anyway, I have been doing
some financial planning.

35
00:01:57,935 --> 00:01:59,495
So you're thinking about dying.

36
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:03,535
Trust me, darling, I promise
to stick around long enough...

37
00:02:03,695 --> 00:02:08,714
to identify your bloated, gin-soaked,
syphilitic remains.

38
00:02:11,887 --> 00:02:13,196
Okay, so we got a time frame.

39
00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:17,676
So, what about your financial plan?

40
00:02:17,839 --> 00:02:21,865
Yes, well, ahem, one thing I've done
is to set aside enough money...

41
00:02:22,031 --> 00:02:25,380
to ensure that my grandson
will get a college education.

42
00:02:32,943 --> 00:02:34,983
You're gonna buy a college?

43
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:37,513
I have set up a trust fund.

44
00:02:37,936 --> 00:02:40,205
Oh, Mom, Mom, that is, uh,
that is very generous...

45
00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:42,986
but, uh, I started a college fund
for Jake when he was born.

46
00:02:43,344 --> 00:02:44,344
Really?

47
00:02:46,031 --> 00:02:48,170
How much do you have in there now?

48
00:02:48,496 --> 00:02:50,318
Uh.

49
00:02:51,343 --> 00:02:54,060
Did you hear?
Grandma's sending you to college.

50
00:02:55,247 --> 00:02:57,735
Now? I haven't finished my soup.

51
00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:03,502
Mom, have you thought this through?
Look at him.

52
00:03:04,464 --> 00:03:07,464
Maybe there should be one child
left behind.

53
00:03:09,807 --> 00:03:11,695
Charlie, Charlie, just shush.

54
00:03:11,855 --> 00:03:14,670
Mo-Mom, I cannot tell you
how much I appreciate this.

55
00:03:14,831 --> 00:03:18,060
Jake, do you understand
what your grandma is providing here?

56
00:03:18,223 --> 00:03:20,743
Yeah, more school. Big whoop.

57
00:03:20,911 --> 00:03:23,300
Well, Jake, dear,
perhaps this will help enthuse you.

58
00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:25,675
If, If you buckle down
and your grades improve...

59
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,011
when the time comes for you
to go to college...

60
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:30,084
Grandmommy
is going to buy you a new car.

61
00:03:30,575 --> 00:03:32,812
I love you, Grandmommy.

62
00:04:03,695 --> 00:04:05,157
When I get my car from Grandma...

63
00:04:05,327 --> 00:04:07,880
one of you guys
is gonna have to park on the street.

64
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,149
The car is for college.

65
00:04:11,408 --> 00:04:13,415
And what makes you think
you'll still be here?

66
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,465
Oh, come on, you know you love me.

67
00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:18,381
He's got you. You do love him.

68
00:04:18,543 --> 00:04:21,390
Yeah, but he doesn't have
to rub my nose in it.

69
00:04:23,727 --> 00:04:25,669
So, what do you think Mom's angle is?

70
00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:27,781
Does she have to have an angle?

71
00:04:28,175 --> 00:04:30,280
A college trust fund? For him?

72
00:04:31,151 --> 00:04:34,119
Last week, he bit his hand
eating a sandwich.

73
00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:36,302
He smelled the ham, he got excited.

74
00:04:38,223 --> 00:04:39,824
Maybe she's just trying to buy his love.

75
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:45,065
Alan, think it through. She could've done
that with a pork chop and a Creamsicle.

76
00:04:45,872 --> 00:04:49,352
Whatever, it is a big load off my mind
knowing his education is taken care of.

77
00:04:49,519 --> 00:04:53,413
Oh, yeah, that's what Mom wants,
to take a load off your mind.

78
00:04:53,583 --> 00:04:55,405
Okay, why do you think she did it?

79
00:04:56,143 --> 00:04:58,663
I don't know.
But if you wanna get inside her head...

80
00:04:58,831 --> 00:05:02,988
you've gotta start thinking
more twisted, manipulative, devious.

81
00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:04,681
For example...

82
00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:07,181
if by some miracle,
he gets through college...

83
00:05:07,344 --> 00:05:11,140
- and she sends him to law school-
- Law school? You've already lost me.

84
00:05:11,343 --> 00:05:14,790
Maybe she's boinking Dean of Admissions.
We don't know. Just hear me out.

85
00:05:14,959 --> 00:05:16,137
Go on.

86
00:05:16,303 --> 00:05:18,125
Let's say he crawls through law school...

87
00:05:18,287 --> 00:05:21,222
takes seven or eight shots at the bar.
We know how that ends.

88
00:05:22,256 --> 00:05:24,939
So, what are his options
as a failed lawyer?

89
00:05:25,423 --> 00:05:26,984
I don't know. Government work?

90
00:05:27,343 --> 00:05:30,213
Exactly. Maybe he lands
on the zoning commission.

91
00:05:30,384 --> 00:05:33,799
And bingo-bango, Mom finally gets
to put a second story on her house.

92
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,735
You really think she's gonna send him
to college and law school...

93
00:05:41,904 --> 00:05:44,009
just so she can add an extra bedroom?

94
00:05:44,175 --> 00:05:45,175
That's insane.

95
00:05:45,327 --> 00:05:46,985
Is it, Alan?

96
00:05:49,103 --> 00:05:50,892
Is it really?

97
00:05:59,951 --> 00:06:01,161
Morning.

98
00:06:01,327 --> 00:06:02,854
Morning.

99
00:06:05,775 --> 00:06:08,142
- Alan?
- Yeah?

100
00:06:08,719 --> 00:06:10,541
You having a stroke?

101
00:06:12,687 --> 00:06:14,891
No. No, I'm just-
I'm just trying to figure out...

102
00:06:15,056 --> 00:06:17,390
why I need to go to work today.

103
00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:21,675
I mean, Mom's taking care
of Jake's education, buying him a car.

104
00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:23,781
Why should I bust my hump?

105
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,541
For your self-respect?

106
00:06:26,031 --> 00:06:28,616
No. Judith got that in the divorce.

107
00:06:29,487 --> 00:06:31,495
Because you like
to heal people's back pain...

108
00:06:31,663 --> 00:06:32,944
with your chiropractic magic?

109
00:06:36,719 --> 00:06:38,607
Okay, well, you gotta go somewhere.

110
00:06:38,895 --> 00:06:40,302
Why?

111
00:06:40,847 --> 00:06:43,051
Because you're creeping me out.

112
00:06:46,543 --> 00:06:49,358
I should take up motivational speaking.

113
00:06:50,863 --> 00:06:53,384
- Morning.
- Something's wrong with your brother.

114
00:06:53,711 --> 00:06:57,158
We don't say the word "wrong,"
we say "special."

115
00:06:57,455 --> 00:07:00,040
No, it's true. My friends don't think
you're my grandma...

116
00:07:00,207 --> 00:07:02,378
they think you're my young aunt.

117
00:07:05,679 --> 00:07:07,687
If he gets his nose further up
her keister...

118
00:07:07,856 --> 00:07:10,409
we're gonna have to tie a rope
to his feet.

119
00:07:12,719 --> 00:07:16,167
Hey, I was thinking, you know what
would be a nice, safe vehicle for me?

120
00:07:16,335 --> 00:07:18,474
A used police car.

121
00:07:20,367 --> 00:07:23,018
I don't know. I guess from the police.

122
00:07:23,727 --> 00:07:25,417
She's buying lunkhead a car?

123
00:07:25,935 --> 00:07:27,496
And a college education.

124
00:07:27,663 --> 00:07:30,532
Ha, that makes sense
if it's a clown college...

125
00:07:30,703 --> 00:07:31,913
and the car seats 20.

126
00:07:34,383 --> 00:07:37,033
All right, then I'll see you in an hour.

127
00:07:37,199 --> 00:07:39,621
Hold on. No, I don't need one.

128
00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:43,116
Okay, okay. Bye.

129
00:07:43,727 --> 00:07:47,110
I'm gonna spend the afternoon with
Grandma. If she asks, I took a shower.

130
00:07:47,631 --> 00:07:49,256
Figured out her angle yet?

131
00:07:49,583 --> 00:07:50,583
No.

132
00:07:50,735 --> 00:07:52,972
And that's what scares me.

133
00:07:53,135 --> 00:07:55,556
Bom-bom-bom.

134
00:07:56,943 --> 00:07:58,536
Seemed appropriate.

135
00:08:01,903 --> 00:08:05,067
All right, Mr. Sharipa,
how's it feel right here?

136
00:08:05,231 --> 00:08:06,954
SHARIPA:
A little tender.

137
00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:09,705
Yeah, yeah,
you've got a spasm right there.

138
00:08:09,871 --> 00:08:11,016
It's my own fault.

139
00:08:11,183 --> 00:08:14,631
I was trying to do it in the shower
with Mrs. Sharipa last night.

140
00:08:15,535 --> 00:08:18,186
The woman is no ballerina.

141
00:08:19,727 --> 00:08:22,444
Well, sex in the shower
is really a young man's game.

142
00:08:22,607 --> 00:08:25,160
Or a middle-aged man with a skinny wife.

143
00:08:26,415 --> 00:08:28,520
- Sure.
- What can I say?

144
00:08:28,687 --> 00:08:31,557
I like a little junk in the trunk.

145
00:08:31,919 --> 00:08:33,861
I- I think that says it.

146
00:08:34,127 --> 00:08:35,818
Slap her on the ass at Christmas...

147
00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:39,081
it doesn't stop shaking
till New Year's Eve.

148
00:08:41,583 --> 00:08:43,012
Just between you and me...

149
00:08:43,183 --> 00:08:46,980
uh, she enjoys a little spanking
from Santa.

150
00:08:48,079 --> 00:08:49,079
Who doesn't?

151
00:08:49,679 --> 00:08:51,566
I checked the list twice...

152
00:08:51,727 --> 00:08:53,800
always naughty.

153
00:08:57,199 --> 00:08:59,620
Uh-huh. Could you, uh,
turn on your right, Mr. Sharipa?

154
00:08:59,791 --> 00:09:02,890
I'll, uh, try to relieve the
pressure on your sciatic nerve.

155
00:09:03,055 --> 00:09:05,030
Could you cross your arms, please?
Thank you.

156
00:09:05,199 --> 00:09:06,377
Okay.

157
00:09:12,495 --> 00:09:13,575
Excuse me.

158
00:09:15,215 --> 00:09:19,405
Oh, no, that-That happens.
It's, uh, it's perfectly natu-

159
00:09:21,423 --> 00:09:23,562
Oh, dear Lord.

160
00:09:25,007 --> 00:09:27,625
Yeah, that's the garlic clams
I had for lunch.

161
00:09:27,791 --> 00:09:30,508
I like them, they don't like me.

162
00:09:31,983 --> 00:09:33,095
Um.

163
00:09:33,263 --> 00:09:36,111
If you'll just excuse me for a moment.

164
00:09:36,655 --> 00:09:38,630
Hey, you know, I feel better.

165
00:09:39,087 --> 00:09:41,640
Maybe that's where the pressure
came from.

166
00:09:43,407 --> 00:09:46,058
- Where are you going, Dr. Harper?
- Home.

167
00:09:46,223 --> 00:09:48,078
Will you be coming back?

168
00:09:48,239 --> 00:09:50,213
Dr. Harper?

169
00:09:54,607 --> 00:09:56,330
Oh, my God.

170
00:10:03,439 --> 00:10:06,886
Check it out. This SUV comes with
a mini-fridge in the glove compartment.

171
00:10:07,055 --> 00:10:08,811
Fascinating.

172
00:10:09,999 --> 00:10:13,065
Let's spend a little time
talking about our college plans.

173
00:10:13,231 --> 00:10:17,126
Our plans? Are you going too?
Because that changes everything.

174
00:10:17,295 --> 00:10:18,986
I've already been to college, darling.

175
00:10:19,150 --> 00:10:21,703
They were some of the happiest years
of my life.

176
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,333
- Really?
- Mm-hm.

177
00:10:23,759 --> 00:10:25,733
What kind of car did you have?

178
00:10:26,447 --> 00:10:29,447
Look, Jake, I understand that
you're excited about getting a car...

179
00:10:29,615 --> 00:10:30,989
but keep in mind...

180
00:10:31,151 --> 00:10:34,250
the car is predicated
on you getting into college.

181
00:10:34,415 --> 00:10:35,658
Right.

182
00:10:36,239 --> 00:10:37,995
What's predicated mean?

183
00:10:38,350 --> 00:10:40,685
No college, no car.

184
00:10:41,167 --> 00:10:42,541
Oh.

185
00:10:43,150 --> 00:10:45,485
What if I flunk out?
Do I have to give the car back?

186
00:10:45,807 --> 00:10:48,295
Oh, sweetheart,
what makes you think you'd flunk out?

187
00:10:48,463 --> 00:10:49,837
Well, history.

188
00:10:49,999 --> 00:10:53,577
Now there's a 60-60 chance I'm gonna
have to repeat the eighth grade.

189
00:10:54,670 --> 00:10:56,394
Sixty-sixty, huh?

190
00:10:56,559 --> 00:10:59,112
At least. It could be 70-40.

191
00:11:00,047 --> 00:11:02,054
Well, we can rule out the Ivy League.

192
00:11:02,223 --> 00:11:05,005
- Is that good?
- For the Ivy League.

193
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:09,795
You know, dear, maybe we're
going about this the wrong way.

194
00:11:09,967 --> 00:11:12,585
College should be about
pursuing the things you love.

195
00:11:12,751 --> 00:11:13,995
Well, what do you love?

196
00:11:14,159 --> 00:11:17,356
Um, TV, video games, sleeping.

197
00:11:17,519 --> 00:11:20,780
I love sleeping so much
sometimes I actually dream about it.

198
00:11:21,198 --> 00:11:23,719
Okay, maybe I wasn't clear enough.

199
00:11:23,887 --> 00:11:25,316
Oh, you know what I really love?

200
00:11:25,487 --> 00:11:28,455
Twice-dipped French toast
with a sprinkling of orange zest.

201
00:11:28,943 --> 00:11:31,496
- Orange zest?
- You scrape it from an orange peel.

202
00:11:31,663 --> 00:11:33,353
It's what really makes my recipe work.

203
00:11:33,519 --> 00:11:34,796
You have a recipe?

204
00:11:34,959 --> 00:11:36,999
Yep. It kind of happened by accident.

205
00:11:37,166 --> 00:11:40,069
I was making once-dipped
French toast, but I dropped it.

206
00:11:40,239 --> 00:11:43,687
Lot of great discoveries are accidents,
like Thomas Edison and the telephone.

207
00:11:44,143 --> 00:11:45,288
That wasn't Thomas.

208
00:11:47,215 --> 00:11:50,183
- So you like to cook?
- Yeah, I love it.

209
00:11:50,350 --> 00:11:53,285
Because, you know, I love to eat
and I love to surprise my mouth.

210
00:11:54,351 --> 00:11:55,911
Well, you know, dear...

211
00:11:56,079 --> 00:11:59,243
what you are talking about
is becoming a chef...

212
00:11:59,407 --> 00:12:01,000
and there are schools for that...

213
00:12:01,166 --> 00:12:03,719
and the potential
to make a terrific living.

214
00:12:04,046 --> 00:12:05,934
Do I get to wear
one of those poofy hats?

215
00:12:06,191 --> 00:12:07,271
If you want to.

216
00:12:07,439 --> 00:12:09,446
Cool. Then I guess I'll be a chef.

217
00:12:10,959 --> 00:12:12,333
My grandson the chef.

218
00:12:13,294 --> 00:12:14,789
I can live with that.

219
00:12:15,343 --> 00:12:19,172
Know what I could drive if I was a chef?
The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.

220
00:12:32,079 --> 00:12:34,119
- Hey.
- Hey.

221
00:12:34,895 --> 00:12:36,553
I got a kayak.

222
00:12:36,847 --> 00:12:38,373
I see.

223
00:12:39,151 --> 00:12:40,525
Guess what I'm gonna do?

224
00:12:40,782 --> 00:12:42,441
Go kayaking?

225
00:12:42,831 --> 00:12:46,475
Yep. I have decided that life is too short.

226
00:12:46,638 --> 00:12:49,388
So you're going out in
the Pacific Ocean in a plastic boat.

227
00:12:49,551 --> 00:12:51,013
Good thinking.

228
00:12:51,503 --> 00:12:54,819
No, I was at work today and it suddenly
became clear to me that-

229
00:12:56,142 --> 00:12:58,117
Oh, sorry about that.

230
00:12:58,575 --> 00:13:01,160
It became clear to me
that I don't like what I'm doing.

231
00:13:01,327 --> 00:13:02,669
Mom's taking care of Jake...

232
00:13:02,831 --> 00:13:05,165
I can spend my time doing things
that give me joy.

233
00:13:05,582 --> 00:13:08,135
So you're gonna masturbate in a kayak?

234
00:13:08,815 --> 00:13:10,725
No, but that's the point.

235
00:13:11,502 --> 00:13:13,510
You'll have to elaborate.

236
00:13:14,030 --> 00:13:15,492
I could, if I wanted to.

237
00:13:21,487 --> 00:13:24,749
Yeah, who could have seen that coming?

238
00:13:25,742 --> 00:13:27,466
Look, I'm sorry.

239
00:13:32,495 --> 00:13:35,877
Here you go. Grilled cheese
with Gouda, Swiss and monster.

240
00:13:36,527 --> 00:13:37,803
You mean "Muenster."

241
00:13:37,967 --> 00:13:39,396
No, that's an old TV show.

242
00:13:39,567 --> 00:13:42,600
And they're called that because
they're monsters. This is a cheese.

243
00:13:43,278 --> 00:13:45,318
Anyway, this sandwich
has heirloom tomatoes...

244
00:13:45,487 --> 00:13:47,592
smoked applewood bacon
on sourdough toast.

245
00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,289
Where did you learn this?

246
00:13:49,455 --> 00:13:52,586
<i>Food Channel, foodchannel. com,
Food Channel on Demand...</i>

247
00:13:52,751 --> 00:13:56,046
<i>Food Channel Magazine.
And the school lunch lady.</i>

248
00:13:57,263 --> 00:13:59,270
Oh, and save room
for homemade potato chips.

249
00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:02,054
You're making potato chips?

250
00:14:02,222 --> 00:14:03,222
Oh, yeah, it's easy.

251
00:14:03,375 --> 00:14:06,310
Slice the potatoes real thin,
rub the slices with lemon and garlic.

252
00:14:06,478 --> 00:14:09,162
Fry them up in a hot iron skillet
and then salt to taste.

253
00:14:09,999 --> 00:14:11,276
I can't get over this.

254
00:14:11,439 --> 00:14:12,999
<i>- Bon appetite.
- Mm.</i>

255
00:14:13,327 --> 00:14:15,716
- Teet.
- No, that's a cow's boob.

256
00:14:18,767 --> 00:14:20,621
Oh, my goodness.

257
00:14:20,847 --> 00:14:22,057
This is delicious.

258
00:14:22,223 --> 00:14:25,387
Don't eat more than three
or you won't poop for a week.

259
00:14:26,830 --> 00:14:28,357
Trust me.

260
00:14:29,199 --> 00:14:33,607
Well, at least we have finally found
a career path for you.

261
00:14:33,775 --> 00:14:36,644
Cool. I'll go get the chips
and we'll talk about cars.

262
00:14:38,702 --> 00:14:41,419
You know what?
Let's settle this car thing first.

263
00:14:48,718 --> 00:14:51,020
Oh, God, it was incredible.

264
00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:54,531
The-The wind, the sky, the surf.

265
00:14:54,703 --> 00:14:56,939
Ah, I feel like I'm reborn.

266
00:15:01,007 --> 00:15:02,949
You were out there for 15 minutes.

267
00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:05,156
Yeah, well, my arms got tired.

268
00:15:07,247 --> 00:15:09,134
Oh, so you did decide to go kayanking.

269
00:15:10,190 --> 00:15:12,874
- What?
- Masturyaking.

270
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:15,178
You're terrible.

271
00:15:15,342 --> 00:15:17,382
And anyway, no one could see me.

272
00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:23,658
- So now what?
- Now?

273
00:15:23,822 --> 00:15:26,539
Now I just live. I enjoy.

274
00:15:26,702 --> 00:15:28,011
All right.

275
00:15:28,367 --> 00:15:30,571
This rat has quit the race.

276
00:15:30,735 --> 00:15:31,782
Good for you.

277
00:15:31,951 --> 00:15:34,220
This hamster is off the treadmill.

278
00:15:34,382 --> 00:15:35,382
Glad to hear it.

279
00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:38,731
This squirrel is satisfied
with the nuts he has.

280
00:15:39,727 --> 00:15:41,287
No comment.

281
00:15:46,383 --> 00:15:48,390
I'm not gonna make it, Charlie.

282
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,276
Didn't think you would.

283
00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:51,884
No goals...

284
00:15:52,047 --> 00:15:53,607
no challenges...

285
00:15:53,775 --> 00:15:55,847
no gut-wrenching fear
driving me forward.

286
00:15:56,014 --> 00:15:58,054
I mean, how can you stand it?

287
00:15:58,223 --> 00:15:59,532
Me?

288
00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:04,196
Well, I have kind of an existential
philosophy that shapes my outlook.

289
00:16:04,367 --> 00:16:08,327
It involves a willingness to let life
carry me along in its wake...

290
00:16:08,494 --> 00:16:10,567
as I contemplate
its infinite mystery.

291
00:16:12,686 --> 00:16:15,141
Plus, I drink and take a lot of naps.

292
00:16:15,791 --> 00:16:19,086
Yeah, well, I need something
meaningful to strive for.

293
00:16:20,462 --> 00:16:21,956
Sorry, I don't follow.

294
00:16:23,054 --> 00:16:26,829
I need a carrot in front of me
and a stick behind me. Without that I-

295
00:16:27,086 --> 00:16:28,810
I have no reason to live.

296
00:16:30,959 --> 00:16:33,163
- That's it.
- What's it?

297
00:16:34,191 --> 00:16:36,231
No reason to live.

298
00:16:36,398 --> 00:16:37,805
That's Mom's angle.

299
00:16:37,966 --> 00:16:41,709
It's never had anything to do with Jake.
She's trying to kill you.

300
00:16:44,078 --> 00:16:45,093
Oh, come on.

301
00:16:45,455 --> 00:16:47,211
Think about it.

302
00:16:47,375 --> 00:16:49,546
She takes the pressure
off your shoulders...

303
00:16:49,711 --> 00:16:52,045
knowing you can't live without it.

304
00:16:52,206 --> 00:16:53,733
Oh, she's good.

305
00:16:54,191 --> 00:16:55,652
Why would Mom wanna kill me?

306
00:16:56,111 --> 00:16:58,477
I don't know. Why do I wanna kill you?

307
00:16:58,639 --> 00:17:00,329
Why does your ex-wife wanna kill you?

308
00:17:00,494 --> 00:17:02,796
You just bring that out in people.

309
00:17:03,630 --> 00:17:04,775
You're being ridiculous.

310
00:17:05,230 --> 00:17:08,230
Okay, okay,
let's look at the alternate explanation.

311
00:17:08,399 --> 00:17:11,628
For the first time in her life,
our mother is being totally selfless...

312
00:17:11,791 --> 00:17:14,311
and thinking
about someone else's well-being.

313
00:17:16,142 --> 00:17:18,728
Dear God,
my own mother is trying to kill me.

314
00:17:19,598 --> 00:17:20,940
I'm glad we got that settled.

315
00:17:22,222 --> 00:17:24,426
It was really bugging me.

316
00:17:31,439 --> 00:17:33,860
- Terrific sandwich.
FIREMAN: Yeah.

317
00:17:35,183 --> 00:17:37,834
You'll find the fire gave everything
a nice smoky flavor.

318
00:17:39,502 --> 00:17:42,536
Just out of curiosity,
what does a used firetruck go for?

319
00:17:47,630 --> 00:17:50,500
Hey, Alan.
I got an idea that might cheer you up.

320
00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:52,296
I'm listening.

321
00:17:52,622 --> 00:17:55,372
You need a carrot and a stick
to make your life meaningful?

322
00:17:55,535 --> 00:17:56,582
How about this?

323
00:17:57,038 --> 00:17:59,559
Every month I let you give me
a small amount of money...

324
00:17:59,727 --> 00:18:02,214
in exchange for the pleasure
of living in my house.

325
00:18:04,431 --> 00:18:07,245
We'll call it rent.

326
00:18:08,302 --> 00:18:10,986
Wow, it's been a long time
since I paid rent.

327
00:18:11,151 --> 00:18:13,289
Five years, two months, 11 days.

328
00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:17,388
Interesting. It would certainly give me
a reason to go back to work.

329
00:18:17,550 --> 00:18:19,972
Right, that's the carrot.

330
00:18:20,143 --> 00:18:23,404
And if you fall behind,
I get to hit you with a stick.

331
00:18:24,206 --> 00:18:27,818
- Very funny.
- No, I'm serious. That's my carrot.

332
00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:30,378
Okay, how much did you have in mind?

333
00:18:30,894 --> 00:18:34,691
Well, I've given it some thought...

334
00:18:35,694 --> 00:18:40,037
and I think you'll find this
to be a fair number.

335
00:18:42,414 --> 00:18:43,756
Oh.

336
00:18:44,366 --> 00:18:45,893
Oh, well, uh...

337
00:18:46,063 --> 00:18:49,062
if I'm paying rent, I'll get a say
in what goes on around here.

338
00:18:49,230 --> 00:18:51,172
No, no, no.

339
00:18:54,542 --> 00:18:56,714
If you want a say...

340
00:18:57,102 --> 00:18:58,728
this is the number.

341
00:19:01,998 --> 00:19:03,787
I don't need a say.

342
00:19:04,015 --> 00:19:07,976
- Good. So every month on the first?
- Deal.

343
00:19:10,382 --> 00:19:12,269
All right. All right.
I feel good about this.

344
00:19:12,782 --> 00:19:15,532
Pitching in, pulling my own weight.
It's long overdue.

345
00:19:15,694 --> 00:19:17,898
Five years, two months, 11 days.

346
00:19:18,062 --> 00:19:19,109
Right.

347
00:19:19,278 --> 00:19:21,645
Uh, of course, since, uh,
the month has already started...

348
00:19:21,806 --> 00:19:23,781
- we'll start next month.
- Fine.

349
00:19:24,238 --> 00:19:27,467
Although, uh, with the holidays coming,
maybe it'd be better to start fresh...

350
00:19:27,630 --> 00:19:29,321
with the new year. One, one.

351
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:31,336
Sure, whatever.

352
00:19:32,430 --> 00:19:35,845
- Unless the economy's still in the tank.
- Always a possibility.

353
00:19:36,558 --> 00:19:39,853
In which case, we'll, uh, probably
wanna revisit the number.

354
00:19:40,014 --> 00:19:41,389
CHARLIE:
Probably.

355
00:19:41,551 --> 00:19:45,325
I mean, you know, the market is,
is pretty volatile right now.

356
00:19:45,487 --> 00:19:48,236
Uh, I think some belt-tightening
is in order for everybody.

357
00:19:48,398 --> 00:19:50,286
You know, landlords and tenants alike.