1
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<i>Previously on Two and a Half Men:</i>

2
00:00:03,376 --> 00:00:05,514
Wait, Judith threw Herb out? When?

3
00:00:05,679 --> 00:00:06,956
Apparently about a week ago.

4
00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:10,982
Of course you can't compete hard body
to hard body, but you're still desirable.

5
00:00:11,504 --> 00:00:12,504
You think so?

6
00:00:14,192 --> 00:00:16,101
Oh, Alan. You're a good man.

7
00:00:16,271 --> 00:00:17,897
And I'm never gonna let you go again.

8
00:00:20,208 --> 00:00:21,670
Never?

9
00:00:23,311 --> 00:00:26,094
- I thought you'd be happy.
- I thought so too.

10
00:00:26,256 --> 00:00:29,190
I mean, come on, you had the woman
who took all your money...

11
00:00:29,359 --> 00:00:32,393
and threw you out of your house
naked and crouched on the sofa.

12
00:00:32,559 --> 00:00:36,749
There was no sofa, it was the divan in her
bedroom and I was doing the crouching.

13
00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,318
Why were you-?

14
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,236
Never mind, I don't wanna know.

15
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,472
The point is, you won.

16
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:44,549
You had a perfect night of revenge sex.

17
00:00:44,719 --> 00:00:47,108
That's the fourth best kind of sex
you can have.

18
00:00:47,632 --> 00:00:49,606
Fourth? What are the other-?

19
00:00:49,775 --> 00:00:51,630
Never mind, I don't wanna know.

20
00:00:51,791 --> 00:00:54,660
Charlie, the problem is
that now that Judith and Herb are over...

21
00:00:54,831 --> 00:00:56,741
she thinks that we're-

22
00:00:56,911 --> 00:01:02,727
- Back to square one
in dealing with the PTA Carnival.

23
00:01:03,248 --> 00:01:04,248
What?

24
00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:08,174
The-The school carnival
that we use to, uh, raise money for-

25
00:01:08,335 --> 00:01:10,823
I don't want Jake to know
about me and Judith-

26
00:01:10,991 --> 00:01:12,714
- Iscariot.

27
00:01:14,191 --> 00:01:17,574
Judith Iscariot. Who sold out our Lord
for 30 pieces of silver.

28
00:01:18,096 --> 00:01:19,306
What are you talking about?

29
00:01:19,472 --> 00:01:21,708
Oh, I was just, uh, telling your uncle...

30
00:01:21,871 --> 00:01:23,660
about this, uh-This great, uh, cartoon.

31
00:01:23,823 --> 00:01:26,856
<i>Uh, Daffy Duck
and the Greatest Story Ever Told.</i>

32
00:01:27,952 --> 00:01:29,326
Sounds lame.

33
00:01:29,487 --> 00:01:30,894
Classic Warner Bros. animation.

34
00:01:32,687 --> 00:01:33,848
Boy, you really suck at this.

35
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,120
Thing is, I'm not sure
I wanna be back with Judith.

36
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,589
Well, let's look at the pros and cons.

37
00:01:40,143 --> 00:01:43,940
The pros are, if you move out,
I'll have an empty guest-

38
00:01:44,111 --> 00:01:48,105
- Rootin-est, tootin-est apostle
in all of Jerusalem.

39
00:01:48,303 --> 00:01:49,613
Gethsemane Sam.

40
00:01:50,607 --> 00:01:52,746
- What?
- Or how about Barabbas Bunny?

41
00:01:54,063 --> 00:01:55,754
"Eh, what's up, Pontius?"

42
00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:00,709
If Berta finds out, she'll want your room
and I don't need a live-in maid.

43
00:02:00,879 --> 00:02:04,524
- Oh, don't worry, I'm not leaving.
- Oh, good, because I was worried.

44
00:02:04,688 --> 00:02:06,989
Look, I have already been married
to Judith and we-

45
00:02:07,151 --> 00:02:10,468
- We-We-
- We should send Jake to military school?

46
00:02:11,504 --> 00:02:12,504
What?

47
00:02:12,655 --> 00:02:15,438
Oh, oh. Uh, yeah.
Charlie, he wasn't supposed to hear that.

48
00:02:15,856 --> 00:02:19,117
- I'm going to military school?
- Uh, if you don't shape up, yeah.

49
00:02:19,279 --> 00:02:22,182
And it's not gonna be our military, either.

50
00:02:24,048 --> 00:02:25,935
I don't wanna go to any military school.

51
00:02:26,095 --> 00:02:29,870
- Then you better get to your homework.
- Okay, okay.

52
00:02:32,176 --> 00:02:33,190
- Extortion.
- So simple.

53
00:02:33,359 --> 00:02:34,821
Who knew?

54
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:39,564
If the kid's going to military school,
I'll take his room.

55
00:02:40,208 --> 00:02:43,306
- No, no, Berta, you misunderstood.
- He's not going to military school?

56
00:02:43,471 --> 00:02:46,319
I'm not going to military school?
- You are going to military school.

57
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,007
He's not going to military school.

58
00:02:48,175 --> 00:02:51,143
Okay, then. I'll take Zippy's room
when he moves back to Judith.

59
00:02:54,639 --> 00:02:56,647
For God's sake,
does she hear everything?

60
00:02:56,815 --> 00:02:59,532
Some things I just infer.

61
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:11,047
<i>- The inside slot, okay?</i>

62
00:03:11,215 --> 00:03:12,976
<i>Try to get Number 1
the ball over the middle.</i>

63
00:03:14,255 --> 00:03:17,768
- Get me another beer, would you?
- Why can't you get it yourself?

64
00:03:29,839 --> 00:03:31,748
This is beautiful.

65
00:03:37,616 --> 00:03:39,110
Hey, Judith. What's shaking?

66
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:42,094
Mom, I'll be good.
Don't send me to military school!

67
00:03:42,991 --> 00:03:44,300
Where's that beer, maggot?

68
00:03:47,439 --> 00:03:50,473
Nothing. Nothing.
Just a little game we're playing.

69
00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,192
So anyway, Judy,
what's new in your little world?

70
00:03:53,615 --> 00:03:55,044
Hang on, I'll see if he's here.

71
00:03:55,215 --> 00:03:57,932
Oh, no, no.
I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm out.

72
00:03:58,095 --> 00:03:59,240
Sorry, he's not here.

73
00:04:00,048 --> 00:04:02,219
Oh, wait, he just walked in.

74
00:04:04,336 --> 00:04:07,183
- Why?
- Why not?

75
00:04:10,191 --> 00:04:12,974
Oh, hey.
Hey, Judith, I was just about to call you.

76
00:04:13,519 --> 00:04:17,164
Yeah. Uh, yeah, hold on a sec.
Let me-Let me get some privacy.

77
00:04:17,328 --> 00:04:20,972
- What are they talking about?
- Nothing important.

78
00:04:26,639 --> 00:04:28,362
I'm gonna miss you, buddy.

79
00:04:36,207 --> 00:04:39,339
- Where's Jake?
- Washing my car.

80
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Then he's gonna clean the garage.

81
00:04:44,335 --> 00:04:46,091
We should've thought of this years ago.

82
00:04:46,255 --> 00:04:48,557
I know, I'm kicking myself.

83
00:04:48,719 --> 00:04:50,126
Okay, I won't be late.

84
00:04:50,479 --> 00:04:53,130
- Hot date with the ex?
- Oh, no. Nothing hot about it.

85
00:04:53,296 --> 00:04:55,848
I'm gonna tell her that the other night
was a one-time thing...

86
00:04:56,015 --> 00:04:57,608
and I don't see we have a future.

87
00:04:58,223 --> 00:05:00,711
But me you see a future with?

88
00:05:02,671 --> 00:05:03,915
I finished the garage.

89
00:05:04,079 --> 00:05:05,606
- You sure?
- Yeah.

90
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:11,630
Let me look again.

91
00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:18,695
- More wine?
- I'd better not. I have to drive.

92
00:05:18,864 --> 00:05:20,041
Have some more wine.

93
00:05:20,207 --> 00:05:23,207
Oh, uh, maybe a splash.

94
00:05:24,143 --> 00:05:25,143
Oh, oh, my.

95
00:05:26,991 --> 00:05:30,188
I, uh, hope this is a good driving wine.

96
00:05:34,607 --> 00:05:37,455
- Oh, that-That feels good.
- I'm glad.

97
00:05:37,616 --> 00:05:38,860
Have you been working out?

98
00:05:39,024 --> 00:05:40,682
Oh, just the Bowflex.

99
00:05:40,848 --> 00:05:44,230
I, uh, had to give up my gym membership
so I could get my tooth filled.

100
00:05:44,399 --> 00:05:47,082
Well, whatever you're doing, it's working.
A lot of definition here.

101
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:48,971
Oh, oh, that would be this one.

102
00:05:50,192 --> 00:05:53,258
- Oh, yeah. There it is.
- Yeah, yeah.

103
00:05:54,191 --> 00:05:55,751
So would you like some dessert?

104
00:05:56,111 --> 00:05:57,391
Oh, oh. Don't go to any trouble.

105
00:05:57,487 --> 00:06:00,007
Oh, it's no trouble, sweetie.
I like taking care of you.

106
00:06:00,591 --> 00:06:02,533
And I like being taken care of.

107
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,199
Wake up, wake up.

108
00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:09,774
Um...

109
00:06:09,935 --> 00:06:11,593
Uh, listen, Judith...

110
00:06:11,759 --> 00:06:14,759
- I've been thinking about you and me.
- Me too.

111
00:06:14,927 --> 00:06:16,040
Oh, oh. Oh, good.

112
00:06:16,687 --> 00:06:20,964
Even though the other night was wonderful and
all, I think it might be better if we...

113
00:06:21,135 --> 00:06:23,590
- tried slowing things down a bit.
- I agree.

114
00:06:23,759 --> 00:06:25,101
- You do?
- Of course.

115
00:06:25,263 --> 00:06:27,652
- I'm barely out of my marriage to Herb.
- True, true.

116
00:06:27,823 --> 00:06:29,514
Here, careful. Hot pudding.

117
00:06:29,999 --> 00:06:32,999
So, uh, you'll get the divorce
and then we'll see where we are.

118
00:06:33,167 --> 00:06:34,848
- That sounds great.
- Well, good. I'm, uh-

119
00:06:34,927 --> 00:06:36,552
I'm glad we're on the same page.

120
00:06:37,871 --> 00:06:39,562
Hot. Hot. Hot.

121
00:06:39,727 --> 00:06:41,320
- Hot.
- I told you it was hot.

122
00:06:41,487 --> 00:06:43,723
- Hot, hot, hot!
- Here. Have some more wine.

123
00:06:45,807 --> 00:06:47,717
- That's better, that's better.
- I'll get your spoon.

124
00:06:47,887 --> 00:06:48,887
Uh!

125
00:06:49,039 --> 00:06:52,105
Oh, God. Oh, pudding.

126
00:06:56,495 --> 00:07:00,521
<i>So when the moment's right
and she's ready, you'll be ready too.</i>

127
00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:03,534
<i>Side effects include nausea, headaches,
dry mouth, dizziness...</i>

128
00:07:03,695 --> 00:07:06,062
<i>anal leakage, kidney failure
and massive stroke.</i>

129
00:07:06,223 --> 00:07:08,492
She'd better be ready
to call an ambulance.

130
00:07:12,303 --> 00:07:13,961
- Hey.
- Hey.

131
00:07:14,127 --> 00:07:16,461
- Is Jake asleep?
- Probably not.

132
00:07:16,975 --> 00:07:19,877
<i>After dinner I made him watch
Full Metal Jacket and Deer Hunter.</i>

133
00:07:20,783 --> 00:07:21,994
Oh, Charlie.

134
00:07:22,159 --> 00:07:23,271
And how was your evening?

135
00:07:24,239 --> 00:07:26,181
It was really a lot of fun.

136
00:07:26,351 --> 00:07:28,772
You know,
I'd forgotten how nice she can be.

137
00:07:29,391 --> 00:07:30,700
Judith?

138
00:07:30,863 --> 00:07:34,725
- Who else would I be talking about?
- I don't know, somebody actually nice.

139
00:07:36,079 --> 00:07:37,989
What was the name
of Jimmy Carter's wife?

140
00:07:38,415 --> 00:07:41,230
- Rosalynn?
- She was nice.

141
00:07:41,999 --> 00:07:43,821
I always got a good vibe off her.

142
00:07:45,103 --> 00:07:46,313
Are you drunk?

143
00:07:50,127 --> 00:07:51,883
Define drunk.

144
00:07:52,623 --> 00:07:54,224
You rather I talk to you in the morning?

145
00:07:54,383 --> 00:07:57,133
No, no. The liquor makes you
more interesting. Go on.

146
00:07:59,055 --> 00:08:01,673
Judith's changed, Charlie.
She's-She's a different woman.

147
00:08:01,839 --> 00:08:06,890
Different than the one who threw you out
of the house with your nuts in a to-go bag?

148
00:08:07,439 --> 00:08:09,261
That's a little graphic, don't you think?

149
00:08:09,423 --> 00:08:12,620
I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.

150
00:08:13,007 --> 00:08:15,276
You're a lush, Charlie.
You paint with vomit.

151
00:08:17,647 --> 00:08:21,640
My point is that Judith
has become a warm, nurturing woman.

152
00:08:21,807 --> 00:08:23,128
You nailed her again, didn't you?

153
00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:26,276
No, no, that was just-
Just the one time.

154
00:08:26,447 --> 00:08:28,552
Tonight, we did not have sex.

155
00:08:28,719 --> 00:08:30,093
Technically.

156
00:08:31,151 --> 00:08:32,493
Really? Judith?

157
00:08:32,655 --> 00:08:35,917
I know. I had to keep peeking
to make sure it was her.

158
00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:40,811
Well, congratulations.

159
00:08:40,975 --> 00:08:43,594
- So when are you gonna move back in?
- Ahh, it's-We're not there yet.

160
00:08:43,759 --> 00:08:45,188
Oh, come on, why wait?

161
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:47,726
We could load up the car
and drive over there tonight.

162
00:08:47,887 --> 00:08:51,084
You promised if I shaped up
I wouldn't have to go!

163
00:08:54,607 --> 00:08:57,160
Aren't you starting to feel guilty
about misleading him?

164
00:08:57,647 --> 00:08:59,174
Yeah, I guess.

165
00:08:59,343 --> 00:09:02,093
Tell you what, after he finishes
cleaning the deck tomorrow...

166
00:09:02,255 --> 00:09:05,102
let's really send him
to military school.

167
00:09:12,271 --> 00:09:14,507
- How's it going?
- Almost done.

168
00:09:14,671 --> 00:09:15,751
What about the railing?

169
00:09:15,919 --> 00:09:17,894
It's getting dark. I won't finish in time.

170
00:09:18,255 --> 00:09:19,749
No problem. I'll give you a hand.

171
00:09:21,871 --> 00:09:22,983
Gee, thanks.

172
00:09:23,567 --> 00:09:26,317
- You back-talking me, soldier?
- No.

173
00:09:26,479 --> 00:09:27,941
No, what?

174
00:09:28,111 --> 00:09:30,053
No way?

175
00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:32,907
- No, sir.
- Right. No, sir.

176
00:09:33,071 --> 00:09:34,477
That's better.

177
00:09:36,271 --> 00:09:39,086
<i>I don't know but I've been told</i>

178
00:09:39,727 --> 00:09:42,924
<i>Screwing with Jughead never gets old</i>

179
00:09:43,311 --> 00:09:45,253
Okay, don't wait up. Heh, heh.

180
00:09:45,679 --> 00:09:47,305
Hey, Alan.

181
00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:50,920
The chimney's a little blocked up
with leaves and crap, and I thought...

182
00:09:51,087 --> 00:09:54,284
if I tied a rope around the kid,
I could lower him down into it-

183
00:09:54,831 --> 00:09:56,871
Charlie, that borders on child abuse.

184
00:09:57,615 --> 00:09:58,630
So it's okay?

185
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,646
His waist, not his neck.

186
00:10:00,815 --> 00:10:03,433
- Good night, Jake.
- Goodnight, Dad. I love you.

187
00:10:07,087 --> 00:10:09,323
- Oh, Herb, hi.
- Hey, Alan.

188
00:10:09,487 --> 00:10:11,145
- Charlie.
- Hey, Herb. What's up?

189
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:14,345
On my way to the Sand Dollar.
Maybe you and Alan would like to join me.

190
00:10:14,511 --> 00:10:16,104
It's ladies' night.

191
00:10:16,270 --> 00:10:18,987
What do you say, Alan?
You can get in for half price.

192
00:10:21,391 --> 00:10:23,114
Plus, all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp.

193
00:10:23,503 --> 00:10:25,706
Wow, just keeps getting better, huh?

194
00:10:25,870 --> 00:10:28,456
Uh, no, I-I have other plans.

195
00:10:28,623 --> 00:10:29,965
Oh, got a date?

196
00:10:30,511 --> 00:10:32,933
Yeah, Alan, you got a date?

197
00:10:33,103 --> 00:10:34,532
No, no. A date? Pfft!

198
00:10:34,703 --> 00:10:36,361
Not likely, ha-ha-ha.

199
00:10:36,527 --> 00:10:41,132
No, I have a meeting with the, uh, thing
about the-About the group.

200
00:10:41,295 --> 00:10:42,440
I told you. Remember?

201
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:45,067
No, tell me again.

202
00:10:46,959 --> 00:10:48,453
He's a little pickled.

203
00:10:50,063 --> 00:10:51,405
Uh, well, if you must know...

204
00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:58,054
uh-I-I belong to a book club
that I am going to.

205
00:10:58,223 --> 00:11:00,045
Oh, that's right.

206
00:11:00,207 --> 00:11:02,149
What book are you reading again?

207
00:11:02,543 --> 00:11:04,398
It-It-It's a mystery.

208
00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:07,908
<i>Uh, called
Why Are You Doing This to Me?</i>

209
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,350
Oh, yeah.

210
00:11:09,519 --> 00:11:13,480
<i>It's by the same guy who wrote
Because It Amuses Me.</i>

211
00:11:14,575 --> 00:11:17,871
Boy, I wouldn't have had you two
pegged as readers.

212
00:11:19,567 --> 00:11:21,956
Well, there you go. Good night.

213
00:11:22,127 --> 00:11:23,468
- Hey, Alan?
- Yeah?

214
00:11:23,631 --> 00:11:25,518
- You talk much to Judith?
- Nope. See you.

215
00:11:25,679 --> 00:11:28,297
Oh, well, if you speak to her,
tell her I say hi.

216
00:11:28,463 --> 00:11:29,892
- Okay.
- And that...

217
00:11:30,063 --> 00:11:32,681
the time we spent together
is very special to me...

218
00:11:32,847 --> 00:11:35,530
and if she needs anything,
uh, just call me.

219
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,189
I'm there.

220
00:11:37,967 --> 00:11:39,691
You know what's a good book?

221
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:43,588
<i>Under the Dining-Room Table
by Richard Gobbler.</i>

222
00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:51,435
But-But it does not compare to...

223
00:11:51,599 --> 00:11:53,803
<i>Wait Till Your Liver Fails by Hope Udai.</i>

224
00:11:59,342 --> 00:12:02,506
Well, what do you say, Charlie, huh?
Me and you?

225
00:12:02,671 --> 00:12:04,678
Go down to the Sand Dollar,
have a few drinks.

226
00:12:04,847 --> 00:12:07,531
And who knows,
maybe meet a couple of nice gals.

227
00:12:07,695 --> 00:12:09,036
Sure, why not?

228
00:12:09,198 --> 00:12:13,355
And if the pickings are slim, you could
wrangle up some of your prostitute friends.

229
00:12:14,031 --> 00:12:16,748
Oh, boy. Prostitutes and popcorn shrimp.

230
00:12:17,647 --> 00:12:19,337
All you can eat.

231
00:12:22,063 --> 00:12:25,675
Okay, Herb, let me explain to you
something about hookers.

232
00:12:27,151 --> 00:12:30,828
Oh, man. Who's been feeding
the seagulls blueberries?

233
00:12:33,935 --> 00:12:36,837
- Here you go.
- Oh, crème brûlée.

234
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:38,007
Yummy.

235
00:12:50,095 --> 00:12:51,142
Oops, I dropped my spoon.

236
00:12:53,614 --> 00:12:54,662
Um...

237
00:12:54,830 --> 00:12:56,521
You know, I-I ran into Herb today.

238
00:13:00,239 --> 00:13:01,645
What?

239
00:13:02,350 --> 00:13:03,725
Well, he came by the house.

240
00:13:04,143 --> 00:13:05,550
Why would he come by your house?

241
00:13:05,711 --> 00:13:08,526
I- I just think he's lonely.
He misses you.

242
00:13:08,687 --> 00:13:10,509
Well, too bad.

243
00:13:12,335 --> 00:13:14,222
So you don't miss him?

244
00:13:15,694 --> 00:13:16,694
JUDITH:
Alan.

245
00:13:17,262 --> 00:13:20,343
We gonna spend all night talking about Herb
or do you want me to get my spoon?

246
00:13:20,590 --> 00:13:23,558
Well, if you're gonna bark at me,
there's no point in getting your spoon.

247
00:13:23,726 --> 00:13:25,930
I'm not barking at you, I'm-Uh.

248
00:13:26,831 --> 00:13:28,554
You're right, I'm sorry.

249
00:13:29,390 --> 00:13:30,819
I'm right and you're sorry?

250
00:13:30,991 --> 00:13:31,991
Mm-huh.

251
00:13:32,143 --> 00:13:36,398
Let's not waste the night arguing when
we could spend it doing anything you want.

252
00:13:37,166 --> 00:13:38,890
Anything?

253
00:13:39,055 --> 00:13:40,581
Anything.

254
00:13:40,750 --> 00:13:42,179
Wow.

255
00:13:43,503 --> 00:13:45,412
Can you say I'm right again?

256
00:13:47,791 --> 00:13:50,758
Jeez, Herb, you live here?
This is really depressing.

257
00:13:50,927 --> 00:13:53,993
You should see it during the day.
You'd wanna hang yourself.

258
00:13:55,439 --> 00:13:58,374
<i>Well, ladies, welcome to Casa de Herb.</i>

259
00:13:58,542 --> 00:14:00,931
That's Spanish for House of Herb.

260
00:14:01,103 --> 00:14:02,958
- Just open the door.
- Hold on.

261
00:14:03,375 --> 00:14:06,474
I'll trade you the lounge lizard
for the jolly green jackass.

262
00:14:06,639 --> 00:14:08,908
- I hope you gals like trains.
- Slow down, buddy.

263
00:14:09,071 --> 00:14:10,315
It's just the two of us.

264
00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:16,774
All aboard!

265
00:14:19,247 --> 00:14:22,094
I bet you thought
this was gonna be weird.

266
00:14:22,511 --> 00:14:25,260
Pretty nice, huh?
Best HO money can buy.

267
00:14:25,774 --> 00:14:28,327
You don't have to spell it, Herb.
They know what they are.

268
00:14:28,495 --> 00:14:30,829
So shall we get this party started?

269
00:14:31,215 --> 00:14:32,808
Okey-dokey.

270
00:14:32,975 --> 00:14:35,463
Would you like a snack
or a cold beverage?

271
00:14:35,855 --> 00:14:39,303
Um, Herb, while there is a social stigma
to this transaction...

272
00:14:39,470 --> 00:14:42,504
the big plus is these girls
don't require any wining and dining.

273
00:14:42,671 --> 00:14:45,932
They just wanna do the deed then
get as far away from us as they can.

274
00:14:46,351 --> 00:14:47,627
Really?

275
00:14:47,791 --> 00:14:49,646
Not even a Snapple?

276
00:14:50,575 --> 00:14:51,785
They're not thirsty, Herb.

277
00:14:51,950 --> 00:14:54,471
And you're paying them by the hour.

278
00:14:54,639 --> 00:14:56,842
Well, okay.

279
00:14:57,006 --> 00:15:01,229
Well, I guess we should
just, uh, go to the bedroom and, uh...

280
00:15:03,343 --> 00:15:06,638
- Don't make me do this, Charlie.
- What are you talking about?

281
00:15:06,798 --> 00:15:08,686
- This was your idea.
- I don't care.

282
00:15:08,847 --> 00:15:12,043
I'm not like you. I can't lay with whores.

283
00:15:12,751 --> 00:15:14,245
No offense.

284
00:15:14,415 --> 00:15:15,495
Where are you going?

285
00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:18,055
I love my wife! I want her back!

286
00:15:27,118 --> 00:15:28,744
All aboard?

287
00:15:34,831 --> 00:15:37,548
Sweetie? Uh, you're humming again.

288
00:15:37,999 --> 00:15:39,755
Sorry. Don't know the words.

289
00:15:45,454 --> 00:15:48,356
Um, okay, uh-Could you please
not open your mouth so wide?

290
00:15:51,887 --> 00:15:53,196
Better now?

291
00:15:53,359 --> 00:15:55,017
Uh, yeah, it's fine. Just, uh...

292
00:15:55,183 --> 00:15:57,157
can you not talk in my mouth?

293
00:15:57,551 --> 00:16:00,682
Wow, ha, ha. More rules than
a public pool around here, ha, ha.

294
00:16:01,103 --> 00:16:04,551
They're not rules. It's just, uh,
I know what I like and you're not doing it.

295
00:16:05,070 --> 00:16:07,885
- All right, fine. What do you like, Judith?
- I have to tell you?

296
00:16:08,046 --> 00:16:10,727
- No, no. Let me guess and get yelled at.
- Nobody's yelling at you.

297
00:16:10,862 --> 00:16:12,502
- I'm not your mother.
- Oh, you're right.

298
00:16:12,590 --> 00:16:15,754
My mother can emasculate me
without raising her voice.

299
00:16:16,015 --> 00:16:17,357
Oh, God, I can't do this.

300
00:16:17,519 --> 00:16:19,820
- Do what?
- I can't be with you again.

301
00:16:19,983 --> 00:16:22,633
I was afraid of being 40 years old
and all by myself...

302
00:16:22,798 --> 00:16:25,962
but dying alone has gotta be better
than being stuck with you.

303
00:16:27,950 --> 00:16:29,990
Now you're starting to sound
like my mother.

304
00:16:31,311 --> 00:16:33,547
Judith! I love you! Please take me back!

305
00:16:34,126 --> 00:16:36,396
Oh, boy, this is awkward.

306
00:16:36,559 --> 00:16:38,152
Coming, darling!

307
00:16:38,318 --> 00:16:40,141
Get out of here.

308
00:16:41,327 --> 00:16:44,077
Oh, uh, just so we're clear,
we've decided to see other people?

309
00:16:44,239 --> 00:16:45,416
Get out!

310
00:16:49,838 --> 00:16:51,180
Thanks for the ride, girls.

311
00:16:51,758 --> 00:16:53,733
And for bringing me home.

312
00:16:56,431 --> 00:16:59,595
<i>I've been working on the railroad</i>

313
00:16:59,759 --> 00:17:02,628
<i>All the livelong day</i>

314
00:17:02,799 --> 00:17:06,148
<i>Dinah, won't you blow
Dinah, won't you blow, Di-</i>

315
00:17:06,319 --> 00:17:09,221
- Hey, Alan.
- Hey.

316
00:17:09,390 --> 00:17:10,601
Mind if I join you?

317
00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:11,977
It's your house.

318
00:17:12,143 --> 00:17:13,866
Oh, yeah.

319
00:17:14,607 --> 00:17:18,152
Excuse me. Pardon me, hot soup.

320
00:17:22,287 --> 00:17:23,781
What the hell?

321
00:17:28,303 --> 00:17:30,343
Well, that's a little embarrassing.

322
00:17:30,766 --> 00:17:31,766
What is that?

323
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:33,707
A railroad-crossing sign.

324
00:17:34,446 --> 00:17:35,908
Sorry, I need more.

325
00:17:36,558 --> 00:17:38,380
I was having sex on a train set.

326
00:17:39,919 --> 00:17:43,497
How else do you get a crossing sign
stuck to your ass?

327
00:17:44,175 --> 00:17:45,320
Of course.

328
00:17:45,487 --> 00:17:46,731
Hey, it could've been worse.

329
00:17:46,895 --> 00:17:48,967
I could've had a caboose in my caboose.

330
00:17:50,830 --> 00:17:53,067
Oh, come on, that's funny.

331
00:17:55,599 --> 00:17:57,988
What happened when Herb showed up
at Judith's house?

332
00:17:58,159 --> 00:18:00,941
- How did you know about that?
- Lucky guess.

333
00:18:02,767 --> 00:18:04,228
She kicked me out again, Charlie.

334
00:18:04,687 --> 00:18:07,607
I had to sneak out her back door
while she threw herself into Herb's arms.

335
00:18:10,447 --> 00:18:13,862
- What's so funny?
- You said back door.

336
00:18:14,031 --> 00:18:16,365
It reminds me of my caboose joke.

337
00:18:18,062 --> 00:18:19,557
Good night.

338
00:18:20,239 --> 00:18:21,831
I'm here all week.

339
00:18:21,998 --> 00:18:24,300
Tip your waitresses.

340
00:18:33,902 --> 00:18:35,146
Hey, Mom? It's Charlie.

341
00:18:35,311 --> 00:18:37,067
Yeah, I know it's late. Listen.

342
00:18:37,231 --> 00:18:39,271
Do you think this is funny?

343
00:18:42,383 --> 00:18:45,547
Huh. Must've got disconnected.

344
00:18:50,063 --> 00:18:52,005
Hey, Jake. You sleeping?

345
00:19:00,463 --> 00:19:01,739
- Doorbell.
- Doorbell!

346
00:19:01,902 --> 00:19:03,331
Coming!

347
00:19:10,990 --> 00:19:14,372
- Oh. Oh, hi. Thanks for bringing him over.
- Oh, no problem.

348
00:19:14,542 --> 00:19:17,324
- Hey, guess what?
- Herb, why don't we let Jake tell him.

349
00:19:17,486 --> 00:19:19,559
- Uh, tell me what?
- Jake?

350
00:19:19,727 --> 00:19:23,043
My grades aren't good enough
for military school, so ha, ha.

351
00:19:25,710 --> 00:19:27,336
No, sweetheart, the other thing.

352
00:19:27,503 --> 00:19:29,892
Oh, I'm gonna have
a little brother or sister.

353
00:19:32,718 --> 00:19:34,027
You're-You're pregnant?

354
00:19:34,190 --> 00:19:37,005
Yes, Alan.
Herb and I are going to have a baby.

355
00:19:37,518 --> 00:19:38,794
Congratulations.

356
00:19:38,958 --> 00:19:41,064
Try to keep this one
away from the lead paint.

357
00:19:43,502 --> 00:19:44,909
Did you hear that, Alan?

358
00:19:45,070 --> 00:19:48,900
They've only been back together six weeks
and they're gonna have a baby.

359
00:19:50,670 --> 00:19:52,492
I heard.

360
00:19:52,654 --> 00:19:55,753
- Come in, we'll pop a bottle of champagne.
- Aah, champagne.

361
00:19:55,918 --> 00:19:58,601
Uh, no. We really should be going.
Come on, Herb.

362
00:19:58,766 --> 00:20:00,522
- Goodbye.
- Oh, shoot.

363
00:20:01,774 --> 00:20:04,741
What a remarkable coincidence.

364
00:20:04,910 --> 00:20:06,437
Yeah, coincidence.

365
00:20:06,607 --> 00:20:08,265
- You okay?
- No.

366
00:20:09,135 --> 00:20:11,174
Come on, let's sit you down.

367
00:20:11,342 --> 00:20:13,579
Yeah. Let's sit me down.

368
00:20:15,599 --> 00:20:17,159
Here you go, buddy.

369
00:20:17,327 --> 00:20:19,334
Here I go.

370
00:20:20,782 --> 00:20:22,692
What's wrong with him?

371
00:20:22,927 --> 00:20:25,545
He's doing math in his head.

372
00:20:26,126 --> 00:20:28,198
Oh, yeah, that's a bitch.