1 00:00:02,096 --> 00:00:05,444 I can't believe you've been going to gym all this time without a jock strap. 2 00:00:05,615 --> 00:00:08,430 I don't like them. It feels like I'm flossing my butt crack. 3 00:00:08,591 --> 00:00:12,552 Based on what I'm paying your dentist, you know nothing about flossing. 4 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,019 Just think of it as a bra for your balls. 5 00:00:15,471 --> 00:00:17,893 Oh, now I want one. 6 00:00:18,863 --> 00:00:21,449 - What size are you? - How should I know? 7 00:00:21,616 --> 00:00:23,339 I think they have measuring things. 8 00:00:24,559 --> 00:00:27,210 You know, like at the shoe store. Length, width. 9 00:00:27,376 --> 00:00:29,929 - He's kidding, right? - Yes, he's joking. 10 00:00:31,504 --> 00:00:33,194 Don't do that. 11 00:00:33,871 --> 00:00:35,115 Here, teen. 12 00:00:36,079 --> 00:00:39,374 - Think you can fit your junk into that? - I'll make it fit. Let's just go. 13 00:00:39,535 --> 00:00:41,616 No, no, put it on over your pants. We'll take a look. 14 00:00:41,999 --> 00:00:43,341 The heck you will. 15 00:00:43,696 --> 00:00:47,111 - Charlie, you're embarrassing him. - Of course I am. That's why I came. 16 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:48,934 Oh. Oh, sorry. Sorry. - Excuse me. 17 00:00:49,552 --> 00:00:52,454 - Charlie Harper? - Where? He owes me money. 18 00:00:53,359 --> 00:00:54,788 Miss Pasternak? 19 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,294 Jake. Wow, look at you. 20 00:00:57,455 --> 00:01:00,106 - Look how much you've grown. - I reached puberty. 21 00:01:00,272 --> 00:01:01,865 Oh. Oh, right. Uh, Miss Pasternak. 22 00:01:02,032 --> 00:01:04,585 Uh, fifth grade, Woodward Avenue Elementary School. 23 00:01:04,752 --> 00:01:06,540 Oh, yeah, Miss Pasternak. 24 00:01:07,663 --> 00:01:09,256 Oh, yeah, Miss Pasternak. 25 00:01:10,703 --> 00:01:13,191 - So are you still teaching? - No. No, I'm not. 26 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,269 - How are you, Charlie? - Good, good. Nice to see you. 27 00:01:15,439 --> 00:01:17,680 Long time. You look terrific. Guess who's wearing a jock. 28 00:01:17,808 --> 00:01:20,972 Aw, how nice. Well, it's great to see you all. 29 00:01:21,136 --> 00:01:23,307 - Goodbye. - Bye, Miss Pasternak. 30 00:01:24,624 --> 00:01:26,991 - Dodged a bullet there. - I'll say. 31 00:01:27,152 --> 00:01:29,388 She was kind of shook up after I broke it off with her. 32 00:01:29,551 --> 00:01:32,399 Kind of shook up? She went bananas and bit the gym teacher. 33 00:01:33,071 --> 00:01:35,788 - Where? - In the gym. 34 00:01:36,336 --> 00:01:37,896 You miserable son of a bitch. 35 00:01:38,064 --> 00:01:40,911 I gave you my heart. I gave you my soul. I gave you my body. 36 00:01:41,071 --> 00:01:44,006 And you just threw me aside like I was some piece of garbage. 37 00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:46,346 Yeah, my bad. 38 00:01:47,504 --> 00:01:49,292 - So what's new? - Oh, you wanna catch up? 39 00:01:49,455 --> 00:01:50,976 Yeah, sure, let's catch up. Let's see. 40 00:01:51,056 --> 00:01:54,504 Um, well, okay, after you dumped me, I had a nervous breakdown. 41 00:01:54,928 --> 00:01:57,415 Well, it sure looks like you bounced back. 42 00:01:57,968 --> 00:02:01,929 And then after my breakdown, I got fired and blackballed from teaching. 43 00:02:02,416 --> 00:02:04,009 Oh, bummer. 44 00:02:04,176 --> 00:02:05,670 So, what are you up to now? 45 00:02:05,839 --> 00:02:08,141 I'll tell you what I'm up to now. I lost my house. 46 00:02:08,303 --> 00:02:11,948 I'm living in a cheap motel and my new career is giving lap dances to strangers... 47 00:02:12,112 --> 00:02:14,981 while I'm swinging by my crotch on a pole eight times a night. 48 00:02:15,887 --> 00:02:18,571 Have you considered an athletic supporter? 49 00:02:20,943 --> 00:02:22,667 Okay, well, thanks for the update. 50 00:02:22,832 --> 00:02:24,359 Nice seeing you. Move. Move. Move. 51 00:02:24,527 --> 00:02:27,527 - You ruined my life, Charlie Harper. - Right-o. Bye. 52 00:02:27,695 --> 00:02:29,255 - We didn't pay. - Just keep walking. 53 00:02:29,423 --> 00:02:32,740 How can you live with yourself, you horrible evil man? 54 00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:35,561 He drinks. 55 00:03:06,511 --> 00:03:08,366 - What are you watching? - The Food Network. 56 00:03:08,527 --> 00:03:11,277 I'm learning how to prepare cinnamon apple cobbler. 57 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:14,374 Tired of being at the mercy of the dealers, huh? 58 00:03:15,215 --> 00:03:17,899 - What? - Nothing. Nothing. 59 00:03:18,063 --> 00:03:20,365 Listen, I think I owe you an apology. 60 00:03:20,528 --> 00:03:23,527 - For what? - You know, this morning in the drugstore. 61 00:03:23,695 --> 00:03:25,288 Oh, yeah, the jock-strap jokes. 62 00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:26,732 You should be sorry. 63 00:03:27,567 --> 00:03:31,364 No, not the jock-strap jokes. Those were funny. I stand by those. 64 00:03:33,168 --> 00:03:34,809 I meant the run-in with your old teacher. 65 00:03:35,536 --> 00:03:38,089 - You probably shouldn't have seen that. - I've seen worse. 66 00:03:38,255 --> 00:03:39,616 Remember the Pilates instructor... 67 00:03:39,695 --> 00:03:42,281 who threw the lit road flare through your bedroom window? 68 00:03:42,447 --> 00:03:45,131 - Yeah. - That was awesome. 69 00:03:45,551 --> 00:03:46,860 That's one word for it. 70 00:03:47,023 --> 00:03:48,624 Oh, and remember the dental hygienist... 71 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,694 who shot your ass up full of novocaine? 72 00:03:51,408 --> 00:03:52,935 - I do. - That was so funny. 73 00:03:53,103 --> 00:03:55,242 You kept falling off the toilet. 74 00:03:56,239 --> 00:03:58,661 Yeah, good times. 75 00:03:59,663 --> 00:04:02,979 What do you do that gets these women so pissed off at you? 76 00:04:03,151 --> 00:04:04,645 It's hard to say exactly. 77 00:04:04,815 --> 00:04:06,790 I guess, when a guy has an intimate relationship- 78 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:10,189 Remember the girl from the salon who tried to shoot you with a bow and arrow? 79 00:04:11,503 --> 00:04:12,813 Yeah, Jake. 80 00:04:13,711 --> 00:04:16,678 My point is I was wrong in the way I treated those women... 81 00:04:16,847 --> 00:04:19,018 and you should learn a lesson from my mistakes. 82 00:04:19,183 --> 00:04:21,485 You mean, like, keep a fire extinguisher by your bed? 83 00:04:22,511 --> 00:04:24,005 Well, sure. That's one lesson. 84 00:04:24,175 --> 00:04:27,590 And whenever a dental hygienist drops a quarter never bend over to pick it up? 85 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:29,484 Right. That too. 86 00:04:29,648 --> 00:04:32,328 And never go to a Halloween party with a girl dressed as Robin Hood? 87 00:04:33,551 --> 00:04:36,398 The thing is, Jake, you wouldn't have to learn any of these lessons... 88 00:04:36,559 --> 00:04:39,080 if you always treated women better in the first place. 89 00:04:39,248 --> 00:04:43,176 I'm confused. If I don't have to learn them, why are you bothering me with them? 90 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:49,993 I don't know. 91 00:04:53,967 --> 00:04:56,836 Sorry to take up your valuable time. 92 00:04:58,319 --> 00:05:00,359 What the heck was that all about? 93 00:05:07,696 --> 00:05:09,735 Hey, guess what? 94 00:05:11,184 --> 00:05:14,151 Turns out my kid's jock strap is too small. 95 00:05:14,511 --> 00:05:15,511 Good news, eh? 96 00:05:17,007 --> 00:05:18,534 Yeah, terrific. 97 00:05:18,703 --> 00:05:20,362 Alan, let me ask you something. 98 00:05:20,751 --> 00:05:22,726 Do you think I'm a horrible evil person? 99 00:05:22,895 --> 00:05:24,302 Yes. 100 00:05:25,935 --> 00:05:28,139 - What? You are. - Thanks a lot. 101 00:05:28,303 --> 00:05:30,540 Well, you know, not intentionally evil. 102 00:05:30,703 --> 00:05:34,664 I mean, you know, is a tornado evil when it picks up a mobile home... 103 00:05:34,832 --> 00:05:36,238 and flings it into an orphanage? 104 00:05:37,167 --> 00:05:41,061 Is a shark evil when it eats some poor schmuck on a boogie board? 105 00:05:41,231 --> 00:05:43,468 Is a flesh-eating virus evil when it attacks a-? 106 00:05:43,631 --> 00:05:47,209 I get it, I get it. I get it. I'm a malevolent force of nature. 107 00:05:47,951 --> 00:05:49,642 Pretty much. 108 00:05:50,479 --> 00:05:52,760 Is this about what happened with Jake's old teacher today? 109 00:05:53,455 --> 00:05:55,724 She said that I ruined her life. 110 00:05:56,047 --> 00:05:58,633 Well, she did choose to sleep with you. 111 00:05:58,799 --> 00:06:01,166 How much of a life could she have had in the first place? 112 00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:03,333 Don't try to make me feel better. 113 00:06:05,295 --> 00:06:07,368 Because of me, the woman lost her teaching career... 114 00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:10,218 and now she's dancing in this skeevy club in Van Nuys... 115 00:06:10,383 --> 00:06:12,009 and living in some fleabag motel. 116 00:06:12,528 --> 00:06:14,049 How do you know what club she works at? 117 00:06:15,279 --> 00:06:17,319 The clubs have websites, the websites have pictures. 118 00:06:17,391 --> 00:06:19,660 It's not rocket science. 119 00:06:19,919 --> 00:06:23,050 Her dancing name is Desiree Bush. 120 00:06:23,792 --> 00:06:26,955 Certainly more colorful than Delores Pasternak. 121 00:06:27,119 --> 00:06:29,127 And presidential to boot. 122 00:06:29,999 --> 00:06:32,618 I gotta tell you, I'm feeling a little guilty. 123 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:34,250 Does that surprise you? 124 00:06:34,415 --> 00:06:37,764 No, what surprises me is the liquor isn't helping. 125 00:06:38,639 --> 00:06:42,436 It just beads up on the guilt and rolls right off it. 126 00:06:43,375 --> 00:06:45,677 Oh, come on, this can't be the first woman... 127 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,879 who had a nervous breakdown, lost her job... 128 00:06:48,048 --> 00:06:51,047 and wound up taking her clothes off for horny strangers because of you. 129 00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:53,674 Well, of course not. 130 00:06:55,663 --> 00:06:58,413 But it's never bothered me before. 131 00:06:58,575 --> 00:06:59,917 Well... 132 00:07:00,079 --> 00:07:03,395 maybe you're finally developing a conscience. 133 00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:07,851 At long last realizing that your actions have consequences for other people. 134 00:07:08,623 --> 00:07:10,924 Don't talk down to me, Jiminy Cricket. 135 00:07:11,088 --> 00:07:12,582 Sorry. 136 00:07:13,071 --> 00:07:16,780 But you're right, I do need to take responsibility for the damage I've caused. 137 00:07:17,071 --> 00:07:18,071 Where you going? 138 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,232 Where else? Strip club. 139 00:07:22,863 --> 00:07:24,902 Wait up, I'll drive. 140 00:07:32,239 --> 00:07:34,792 Good Lord, she's quite the gymnast. 141 00:07:35,503 --> 00:07:36,503 I know. 142 00:07:36,656 --> 00:07:40,965 I've never understood why this isn't in the Olympics and synchronized diving is. 143 00:07:41,999 --> 00:07:43,406 Hey, honey... 144 00:07:43,567 --> 00:07:45,836 when's Miss Bush coming out? 145 00:07:46,063 --> 00:07:47,885 Whenever Ben Franklin comes out. 146 00:07:48,719 --> 00:07:50,280 I mean, Desiree Bush. 147 00:07:50,575 --> 00:07:51,819 She's around here somewhere. 148 00:07:52,111 --> 00:07:53,672 Thank you. 149 00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:56,680 How come she's not taking her clothes off? 150 00:07:56,847 --> 00:07:58,603 Because this is a bikini club. 151 00:07:58,767 --> 00:08:00,011 What's a bikini club? 152 00:08:00,495 --> 00:08:02,884 Hard liquor, no nipples. 153 00:08:03,055 --> 00:08:06,088 Oh, man, I could've stayed home and seen no nipples. 154 00:08:10,895 --> 00:08:11,895 Hey, there she is. 155 00:08:13,967 --> 00:08:15,079 Miss Pasternak. 156 00:08:17,167 --> 00:08:19,077 What the hell are you doing here? 157 00:08:19,247 --> 00:08:20,622 I just wanted to talk to you. 158 00:08:20,783 --> 00:08:24,132 Yeah, well, I'm working, so unless you want a private dance, I got no time. 159 00:08:24,303 --> 00:08:25,829 - I don't need a dance. - Then you get lost. 160 00:08:25,999 --> 00:08:27,493 No, no. Wait. Wait. Wait. 161 00:08:27,663 --> 00:08:30,085 - Alan needs a dance. - No, I don't. I'm just here for- 162 00:08:30,255 --> 00:08:32,939 - I'm buying. - Do you mind if I take my belt off? 163 00:08:33,103 --> 00:08:37,380 So anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry for the way I ended it. 164 00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:40,398 If there's anything I can do to make it right, just let me know. 165 00:08:40,783 --> 00:08:42,309 Ooh... 166 00:08:43,279 --> 00:08:45,035 What can you do for me, Charlie? 167 00:08:45,295 --> 00:08:47,684 Well, maybe I can help you get back on your feet. 168 00:08:47,855 --> 00:08:49,284 Oh. Oh, not yet, not yet. Not- 169 00:08:50,223 --> 00:08:52,678 Are you gonna get me my house back? 170 00:08:52,847 --> 00:08:56,328 - Are you gonna do that? Oh, doggies. 171 00:08:57,743 --> 00:08:58,921 Well, no. 172 00:08:59,087 --> 00:09:01,640 My parents have disowned me. 173 00:09:01,807 --> 00:09:03,912 Are you gonna fix that relationship? 174 00:09:04,591 --> 00:09:05,998 I'm not real good with parents. 175 00:09:06,159 --> 00:09:09,192 Uh, excuse me. I've gotta- I've gotta readjust. 176 00:09:09,359 --> 00:09:11,726 Uh, I'm playing ring toss with my car keys. 177 00:09:13,839 --> 00:09:16,173 What? Are you gonna get me my teacher's license back? 178 00:09:16,527 --> 00:09:17,574 I wish I could. 179 00:09:17,743 --> 00:09:19,718 Okay, I'm all set. We can continue. 180 00:09:19,887 --> 00:09:22,688 - Alan, this doesn't concern you. - Uh, at this point, it kind of does. 181 00:09:23,567 --> 00:09:24,582 Come on, hop on pop. 182 00:09:28,047 --> 00:09:30,186 Thank you. 183 00:09:30,415 --> 00:09:33,830 What if there was a way to go back to teaching that didn't require a license? 184 00:09:34,255 --> 00:09:35,270 What you talking about? 185 00:09:35,439 --> 00:09:37,643 Private tutoring for a special-needs child. 186 00:09:37,807 --> 00:09:39,328 Oh, Charlie, don't drag him into this. 187 00:09:39,439 --> 00:09:42,373 Why not? She's a good teacher and if his grades go any lower... 188 00:09:42,543 --> 00:09:45,063 we'll have to start renting him out as a speed bump. 189 00:09:46,511 --> 00:09:48,518 Tutoring? Yeah, I don't know. 190 00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:50,440 I'll match what you're making here. 191 00:09:51,055 --> 00:09:52,997 This okay with you, Alan? 192 00:09:53,167 --> 00:09:55,338 Oh, yes, yes, yes. 193 00:09:59,375 --> 00:10:00,968 Okay. It's a deal. 194 00:10:01,135 --> 00:10:03,142 Oh, thank you. Thank you. 195 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:06,093 Come on, teach, I'll buy you a drink and we'll toast your new career. 196 00:10:06,255 --> 00:10:07,717 Ha, ha. Great. 197 00:10:07,887 --> 00:10:09,741 Uh-Uh-Oh-Oh-Oh- 198 00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:13,350 Okay, I'll, uh- I'll catch up with you guys later. 199 00:10:14,702 --> 00:10:16,841 Where is my belt? 200 00:10:23,439 --> 00:10:24,933 Let me get this straight. 201 00:10:25,103 --> 00:10:28,103 She was his fifth-grade teacher and then she became a stripper... 202 00:10:28,271 --> 00:10:31,784 because you dumped her, and now she's his tutor because you felt guilty? 203 00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:33,773 Pretty much. 204 00:10:33,935 --> 00:10:35,080 And you approved? 205 00:10:35,247 --> 00:10:37,418 He caught me at a weak moment. 206 00:10:37,935 --> 00:10:39,659 Well, who am I to judge? 207 00:10:39,951 --> 00:10:43,693 I almost traded one of my kids for a riding lawn mower. 208 00:10:45,135 --> 00:10:47,339 I'm sorry, but I'm still confused. 209 00:10:47,503 --> 00:10:48,503 Oh, boy. 210 00:10:49,839 --> 00:10:51,726 Okay, um... 211 00:10:52,111 --> 00:10:55,372 Let's look at it like this way. How about if you make $40 a dance. 212 00:10:55,535 --> 00:10:57,956 If you wanna find out how much you can earn per hour... 213 00:10:58,127 --> 00:11:00,265 you have to solve for XD times 40. 214 00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:02,795 X being the number of dances you can do in an hour. 215 00:11:03,375 --> 00:11:05,415 - What about tips? - That's a variable. 216 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,846 Oh, I get it. So the money you kick back to the house... 217 00:11:09,007 --> 00:11:11,244 - is the constant. - The constant. 218 00:11:11,407 --> 00:11:14,189 Good for you. That's a good start. 219 00:11:14,351 --> 00:11:15,812 Yeah, it was. You make learning fun. 220 00:11:15,983 --> 00:11:17,193 Ha, ha. Where are you going? 221 00:11:17,358 --> 00:11:18,668 Take a shower. 222 00:11:22,927 --> 00:11:24,268 Guys, we're done. 223 00:11:26,543 --> 00:11:27,917 Hey, so how did it go? 224 00:11:28,239 --> 00:11:29,613 Oh, a little slow. 225 00:11:29,775 --> 00:11:32,109 He's not exactly the quicker picker-upper. 226 00:11:32,495 --> 00:11:35,081 Well, that's why he needs you. He's kind of an idiot. 227 00:11:35,246 --> 00:11:38,694 Yeah, um, I wasn't gonna say anything, but, wow. 228 00:11:40,879 --> 00:11:42,854 - So we'll see you tomorrow then. - Great. 229 00:11:43,022 --> 00:11:45,575 Hey, Charlie, thank you. 230 00:11:46,191 --> 00:11:47,598 For what? 231 00:11:47,855 --> 00:11:50,986 Well, you've given me back something I lost a long time ago. 232 00:11:52,047 --> 00:11:53,541 I gave it back? 233 00:11:53,711 --> 00:11:55,336 How did I give it back? 234 00:11:55,727 --> 00:11:57,188 My self-respect. 235 00:11:57,647 --> 00:12:00,680 Oh, sure, that you can get back. 236 00:12:02,543 --> 00:12:04,233 You haven't even tried to hit on me. 237 00:12:04,398 --> 00:12:07,977 No, and I don't intend to. I just wanna see you get your life together again. 238 00:12:08,335 --> 00:12:12,710 Boy, I've hated you for so many years, I'm starting to think maybe I was wrong. 239 00:12:12,879 --> 00:12:15,246 No, no, no. You were right. This is new for me. 240 00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:18,059 Well, I like this Charlie. 241 00:12:18,223 --> 00:12:19,303 He's got a big heart. 242 00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:21,252 Thank you. 243 00:12:23,407 --> 00:12:25,032 Desiree, wait. 244 00:12:25,518 --> 00:12:27,974 Instead of going back to that motel, why don't you stay here? 245 00:12:28,142 --> 00:12:30,597 No strings. Just until you can get a real apartment. 246 00:12:30,767 --> 00:12:31,945 Where would I sleep? 247 00:12:32,271 --> 00:12:35,021 - You can have the guest room. - Well, where would Alan sleep? 248 00:12:35,183 --> 00:12:38,379 If there was any justice, at the bottom of a ravine. 249 00:12:42,991 --> 00:12:44,846 I can't believe you gave her my room. 250 00:12:45,743 --> 00:12:48,557 I can't believe you're still calling it your room. 251 00:12:49,295 --> 00:12:50,789 How long is this gonna last? 252 00:12:51,247 --> 00:12:52,840 Just until she gets back on her feet. 253 00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:55,967 Oh, please. That's a load of crap. That's what I said to you six years ago. 254 00:12:58,127 --> 00:12:59,720 You've been here six years? 255 00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:02,980 I'll just go make up the couch. 256 00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:08,173 Story of my life. 257 00:13:08,335 --> 00:13:11,335 No boner goes unpunished. 258 00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,037 Charlie? 259 00:13:24,590 --> 00:13:25,590 Huh? 260 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:29,541 I was lying in bed alone and I had an epiphany. 261 00:13:32,239 --> 00:13:33,864 Okay. 262 00:13:34,607 --> 00:13:38,152 It suddenly became clear to me why you came back into my life. 263 00:13:38,638 --> 00:13:40,165 Why? 264 00:13:40,879 --> 00:13:42,766 The Lord sent you. 265 00:13:43,215 --> 00:13:44,425 The Lord? 266 00:13:44,719 --> 00:13:48,712 Yes. He sent you to save me from my sinful ways. 267 00:13:49,198 --> 00:13:51,468 - He did? - Yes. 268 00:13:51,983 --> 00:13:53,925 I really don't think he'd send me. 269 00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:56,615 I'm more of a recruiter for the other side. 270 00:13:57,103 --> 00:14:00,551 It's not for us to question his will. Come, come, let's pray together. 271 00:14:00,718 --> 00:14:02,988 - Now? - Yes, now, while the spirit is in us. 272 00:14:03,151 --> 00:14:04,557 Can I pee first? 273 00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:07,533 There'll be plenty of time to pee in heaven. 274 00:14:07,694 --> 00:14:09,156 There's peeing in heaven? 275 00:14:09,327 --> 00:14:10,985 Shh. 276 00:14:14,671 --> 00:14:17,518 Weird, us both being on our knees at the same time, huh? 277 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:18,857 Shh. 278 00:14:19,375 --> 00:14:21,163 I'm just saying. 279 00:14:25,903 --> 00:14:27,310 - Morning. - Morning. 280 00:14:27,471 --> 00:14:28,551 - Morning. - Morning. 281 00:14:28,719 --> 00:14:30,125 - How did everybody sleep? - Fine. 282 00:14:30,287 --> 00:14:32,229 - Fine. - Lousy. 283 00:14:33,263 --> 00:14:34,888 So listen... 284 00:14:35,055 --> 00:14:37,510 we might have a little problem with Miss Pasternak. 285 00:14:37,679 --> 00:14:39,086 Oh, Charlie, you didn't. 286 00:14:39,247 --> 00:14:41,832 No, I didn't. Why do you always believe the worst of me? 287 00:14:42,127 --> 00:14:45,771 Because you're a horrible evil person. I thought we established that. 288 00:14:46,894 --> 00:14:48,269 I'll tell you what happened. 289 00:14:48,431 --> 00:14:51,398 Last night I was upstairs, sleeping alone, minding my own business. 290 00:14:51,727 --> 00:14:53,636 Good morning, sinners. 291 00:14:55,886 --> 00:14:59,596 Oh, what a glorious day to bask in the forgiveness of our Lord. 292 00:15:00,655 --> 00:15:02,248 Uh-oh. 293 00:15:05,423 --> 00:15:07,943 Jake, I have wonderful news. 294 00:15:08,110 --> 00:15:09,631 From now on, as part of each lesson... 295 00:15:09,711 --> 00:15:11,783 we're gonna spend time casting demons out of you. 296 00:15:11,950 --> 00:15:13,838 It's the devil that's making him stupid. 297 00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:18,759 Told you it wasn't my fault. 298 00:15:19,407 --> 00:15:23,301 Uh-Uh, Miss Pasternak, while I'm thrilled you're helping Jake with his schoolwork... 299 00:15:23,470 --> 00:15:25,859 I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for. 300 00:15:26,831 --> 00:15:28,521 Do you want your son to go to hell, Alan? 301 00:15:28,942 --> 00:15:30,088 Depends. 302 00:15:30,254 --> 00:15:32,010 Do they have a college-prep program? 303 00:15:33,486 --> 00:15:35,942 Eternal damnation is no laughing matter. 304 00:15:36,110 --> 00:15:38,020 I know. I've been married twice. 305 00:15:43,215 --> 00:15:46,957 - Think you have to wear a jock strap in hell? - Yes, but not your own. 306 00:15:48,142 --> 00:15:51,917 Anyway, I just came down to tell you all it's time to get dressed for church. 307 00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:53,831 Uh-Uh, gee- 308 00:15:53,998 --> 00:15:57,577 Ah, thanks for the invite, but, uh, Sunday is kind of our "me" day. 309 00:15:57,742 --> 00:15:59,498 Sunday is not a "me" day. 310 00:15:59,662 --> 00:16:03,339 It's a "he" day, and he will strike down the blasphemers... 311 00:16:03,502 --> 00:16:06,851 and the disbelievers with fury and blood-soaked vengeance. 312 00:16:09,198 --> 00:16:12,264 So chop, chop. Washy, washy. 313 00:16:15,630 --> 00:16:17,802 I've said it before and I'll say it again: 314 00:16:17,967 --> 00:16:20,105 Boy, can I pick them. 315 00:16:35,022 --> 00:16:36,811 - Dad? - What? 316 00:16:36,975 --> 00:16:40,237 I promise I'll work really hard in school if you can just get rid of her. 317 00:16:41,103 --> 00:16:43,274 - A little religion isn't gonna kill you. - Oh, really? 318 00:16:43,439 --> 00:16:46,505 What's your definition of "blood-soaked vengeance"? 319 00:16:57,006 --> 00:16:58,151 Why are you looking at me? 320 00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:01,482 I just don't wanna miss it when you burst into flames. 321 00:17:06,158 --> 00:17:08,744 Isn't this a beautiful little church, Charlie? 322 00:17:08,911 --> 00:17:10,918 Oh, yeah, it's great. 323 00:17:11,087 --> 00:17:12,974 Listen, thought maybe after the service... 324 00:17:13,134 --> 00:17:15,949 you and I could drive around and look for a nice apartment for you. 325 00:17:16,110 --> 00:17:19,144 Aw. God doesn't want us to separate, Charlie. 326 00:17:19,311 --> 00:17:22,693 He brought you back into my life so that we could be together for all eternity. 327 00:17:25,614 --> 00:17:28,614 Um, are those his words or yours? 328 00:17:28,782 --> 00:17:30,789 He speaks through me. 329 00:17:31,566 --> 00:17:32,646 Okay. 330 00:17:32,815 --> 00:17:34,059 Um... 331 00:17:34,223 --> 00:17:36,612 to whom am I talking now? 332 00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:42,952 Oh. Oh, it's time for the special blessing. Come on, everyone, let's go. 333 00:17:43,407 --> 00:17:45,229 Right behind you. 334 00:17:45,839 --> 00:17:49,254 Come on, come on. Blessing time. Blessing time, come on. 335 00:17:50,766 --> 00:17:52,847 This the kind of church where they hand out crackers? 336 00:17:52,911 --> 00:17:53,911 - Shh. - I'm hungry. 337 00:18:12,590 --> 00:18:14,445 Relax. It's just us. 338 00:18:15,247 --> 00:18:16,247 Oh. 339 00:18:17,390 --> 00:18:20,521 - Why is your hair all wet? - They tried to drown me. 340 00:18:20,686 --> 00:18:22,028 No, they didn't. 341 00:18:22,190 --> 00:18:24,012 He managed to get himself baptized. 342 00:18:24,174 --> 00:18:25,174 How did that happen? 343 00:18:25,326 --> 00:18:27,977 People were lining up. I thought there was food. 344 00:18:28,398 --> 00:18:30,918 Even after they took your clothes and gave you a white robe? 345 00:18:31,182 --> 00:18:33,932 I figured maybe we were getting ribs. 346 00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:36,982 So where's Berta? 347 00:18:37,327 --> 00:18:40,622 She took a shine to the organ player and stayed for the senior potluck brunch. 348 00:18:41,071 --> 00:18:43,045 So there was food. 349 00:18:43,758 --> 00:18:45,580 I knew I wasn't crazy. 350 00:18:46,990 --> 00:18:49,590 Aren't you at all concerned about what happened to Miss Pasternak? 351 00:18:49,615 --> 00:18:53,227 Of course I'm concerned. I tried to hide, didn't I? 352 00:18:54,894 --> 00:18:59,051 After she realized that you had dumped her yet again, she had a bit of a meltdown. 353 00:18:59,694 --> 00:19:01,255 There was more to melt? 354 00:19:01,423 --> 00:19:04,422 She was dripping through the cone when she left the house. 355 00:19:05,454 --> 00:19:07,655 She grabbed all the bills out of the collection plate... 356 00:19:07,695 --> 00:19:09,320 and started grinding on the minister. 357 00:19:09,711 --> 00:19:11,304 Oh, okay. No harm, no foul. 358 00:19:12,047 --> 00:19:13,094 How do you figure? 359 00:19:13,455 --> 00:19:15,178 That's how we found her, right? 360 00:19:15,342 --> 00:19:17,000 Dry-humping for dollars. 361 00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:20,941 What happened to all your guilt about ruining her life? 362 00:19:21,391 --> 00:19:23,179 Oh, I've still got it. 363 00:19:23,342 --> 00:19:25,252 I'm just learning to live with it. 364 00:19:26,126 --> 00:19:27,206 You're unbelievable. 365 00:19:27,630 --> 00:19:29,997 Oh, come on, I tried to do the right thing. 366 00:19:30,158 --> 00:19:31,402 My intentions were good. 367 00:19:31,951 --> 00:19:33,544 That's the funny thing about you. 368 00:19:33,711 --> 00:19:36,166 It doesn't seem to matter what your intentions are. 369 00:19:36,334 --> 00:19:40,841 Good, bad or indifferent, everyone around you ends up suffering. 370 00:19:41,903 --> 00:19:44,074 So it's not my fault, right? 371 00:19:46,255 --> 00:19:47,629 Right. 372 00:19:47,950 --> 00:19:50,391 - Come on, I'll buy you a drink. - I'm really not in the mood. 373 00:19:50,510 --> 00:19:53,641 Oh, relax, it's all over. 374 00:19:53,806 --> 00:19:56,010 Nothing to worry about.