1 00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:05,480 - Hey. - Hey, what are you doing home? 2 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:08,240 Linda's spending time with her son tonight. 3 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:12,440 Apparently she's one of those single moms that puts her kid first. 4 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:14,600 The bitch. 5 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:20,040 You're just saying that because our mom put us third. 6 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:23,480 Fourth after she got the Datsun 280Z. 7 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:26,000 So, what you doing? 8 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,520 Paying our household bills. 9 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:30,520 You're a good wife, Alan. 10 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:35,240 I can't believe some lucky fella hasn't snapped you up. 11 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:38,440 Probably the penis. 12 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:42,120 That's usually a deal breaker. 13 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,280 So how are we doing, bill-wise? 14 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:46,760 Not very well. 15 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,720 Are you aware you haven't had a paying job in over nine months? 16 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:53,440 Are you aware that urine cures athlete's foot? 17 00:00:58,079 --> 00:01:01,440 Seriously, you've got a big pile of bills and no money coming in. 18 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,440 Seriously, no burning, no itching, just clears it right up. 19 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:09,879 The drug companies don't want you to know about it because it's free. 20 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,920 Charlie, you're unemployed. 21 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:16,920 I know. Haven't you heard? The jingle business is dead. 22 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:19,080 How would I hear that? Who would have told me? 23 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:21,160 It was in all the jingle magazines. 24 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:24,959 You know, before they went out of business. 25 00:01:26,599 --> 00:01:28,680 Everybody's using old rock songs now. 26 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,399 They're not gonna hire me to write a jingle for tampons... 27 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,200 ...when they can just play "Stuck in the Middle With You." 28 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,599 But... 29 00:01:40,999 --> 00:01:42,840 This doesn't concern you at all? 30 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,679 - No, something will turn up. - How can you be so sure? 31 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,600 Hey, do you have any idea how I got in the jingle business? 32 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:50,840 - No. - Neither do I. 33 00:01:52,119 --> 00:01:54,360 But look how good that worked out. 34 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,160 Charlie, you cannot depend on the kindness of the universe. 35 00:01:57,319 --> 00:01:58,320 I have to. 36 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:00,759 I don't have an older brother I can sponge off of. 37 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:06,040 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go pee on my feet. 38 00:02:50,519 --> 00:02:52,240 Okay. 39 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:55,400 Oh, crap. 40 00:02:57,399 --> 00:03:00,559 - Berta, you got a minute? - What's on your mind, princess? 41 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:03,480 Well, first and foremost... 42 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,839 ...you know that we consider you a beloved member of this family. 43 00:03:06,999 --> 00:03:11,560 Alan, you can roll manure in powdered sugar, but it still ain't a jelly doughnut. 44 00:03:14,119 --> 00:03:15,479 Now see, right there... 45 00:03:15,639 --> 00:03:18,440 ...that's one of the things that we love about you, you know. 46 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,999 - Folksy... - Spill it, Mildred. 47 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,879 Right, right, well, I'm not sure you're aware of this... 48 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:28,040 ...but it has been quite some time since Charlie has had any actual income. 49 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,680 Okay. 50 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,360 And I can't help but notice... 51 00:03:31,519 --> 00:03:36,079 ...that you're the only beloved family member actually drawing a salary. 52 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:39,000 I'm also the only beloved family member... 53 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:41,640 ...who takes a toothbrush to your kid's skivvies. 54 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:47,080 And we can never begin to repay you for that. 55 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:51,240 But during these difficult financial times, we all have... 56 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,800 For the record, it's not my toothbrush, right? 57 00:03:56,359 --> 00:03:59,239 Not right now, but cut my pay and all bets are off. 58 00:03:59,399 --> 00:04:01,120 Oh, come on, Berta, be reasonable. 59 00:04:01,279 --> 00:04:04,039 This might be more than just a temporary dry spell for Charlie. 60 00:04:04,199 --> 00:04:07,359 Look, I know things may seem dark right now... 61 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:10,160 ...but I've known Charlie a lot longer than you have. 62 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,000 - Technically, that's not true. - Are you gonna let me talk? 63 00:04:14,079 --> 00:04:15,080 Sorry. 64 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:18,279 One thing I've learned working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper... 65 00:04:18,439 --> 00:04:21,640 - His middle name isn't Roscoe. - Who's telling the story? 66 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:24,520 Continue. 67 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:28,879 Anyway, what I've learned is God takes care of drunks and fools. 68 00:04:29,039 --> 00:04:31,240 And C. Roscoe Harper is both. 69 00:04:35,999 --> 00:04:38,120 His middle name is Francis. 70 00:04:41,079 --> 00:04:43,080 Hi, what's going on? 71 00:04:43,239 --> 00:04:45,000 Trying to save you a little money here. 72 00:04:45,159 --> 00:04:47,720 Good man, appreciate it. 73 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,559 Check out what I bought Linda. 74 00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:55,240 Diamond earrings? 75 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:56,959 She's a classy woman, Alan. 76 00:04:57,119 --> 00:04:59,839 She's not gonna be impressed with a continental breakfast... 77 00:04:59,999 --> 00:05:01,320 ...and a copy of the video. 78 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:09,319 Be that as it may, you can't keep spending money you don't have. 79 00:05:09,479 --> 00:05:11,880 Oh, relax. Something will turn up. 80 00:05:12,039 --> 00:05:14,360 Will you stop saying that? Things don't just turn up. 81 00:05:14,519 --> 00:05:18,040 You're living in a dream world. Money doesn't just fall from the sky. 82 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,360 Obviously you've never been sitting ringside... 83 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,079 ...when a pole dancer hangs upside down. 84 00:05:29,199 --> 00:05:32,560 So did you buy this for your girlfriend because you're breaking up with her? 85 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,439 No, why would you think that? 86 00:05:34,599 --> 00:05:37,959 Because you always give jewelry to girls you're getting ready to dump. 87 00:05:38,119 --> 00:05:39,239 Very observant. 88 00:05:39,759 --> 00:05:41,920 You watch, you learn. 89 00:05:42,119 --> 00:05:47,439 Well, this isn't breakup jewelry, this is "I like you, stick around" jewelry. 90 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,080 - What's the difference? - About 1500 bucks. 91 00:05:53,079 --> 00:05:55,279 But let's back up a step. 92 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,399 A gentleman never dumps a lady. 93 00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:01,920 He merely acknowledges the fact that a relationship has run its course... 94 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,400 ...by presenting her with a memento... 95 00:06:04,559 --> 00:06:07,319 ...a keepsake if you will, of their time together. 96 00:06:07,479 --> 00:06:10,119 Remember that big blond who threw the toaster oven at you? 97 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,079 Yeah, I remember. 98 00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:14,479 Oh, and that yoga teacher... 99 00:06:14,639 --> 00:06:17,319 ...who chucked the fire extinguisher through your windshield. 100 00:06:17,479 --> 00:06:18,479 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 101 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:22,799 - There was that actress who set fire... - It's not a perfect system, Jake. 102 00:06:27,319 --> 00:06:30,919 Oh, Charlie, they're beautiful. 103 00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:34,999 You do realize I was going to sleep with you tonight anyway. 104 00:06:35,879 --> 00:06:37,599 This is just a little bonus. 105 00:06:37,759 --> 00:06:40,839 Like when you get to a baseball game and find out it's helmet night. 106 00:06:41,319 --> 00:06:43,559 You silver-tongued devil. 107 00:06:43,719 --> 00:06:47,720 Well, I don't know about silver, but you'll find I am tongued. 108 00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:55,519 If you ignore that, there's a matching necklace in it for you. 109 00:06:56,159 --> 00:06:58,160 Why don't you open the wine? 110 00:07:00,599 --> 00:07:02,400 Gary, what are you doing here? 111 00:07:02,559 --> 00:07:04,880 I'm sorry, I tried to call but your line's been busy. 112 00:07:05,039 --> 00:07:07,399 My line's been busy? I haven't been on the phone. 113 00:07:07,559 --> 00:07:09,680 Well, I must have called 20 times. 114 00:07:09,839 --> 00:07:11,639 Fine. What do you want? 115 00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:14,480 I have to work tonight and I can't take Brandon. 116 00:07:14,639 --> 00:07:17,319 - But I have company. - And I have an emergency board meeting. 117 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,559 - Who are you? - I'm Charlie. 118 00:07:19,719 --> 00:07:20,920 I'm Brandon. 119 00:07:21,079 --> 00:07:22,319 Nice to meet you, Brandon. 120 00:07:23,199 --> 00:07:26,199 You know, I have a nephew about your age. 121 00:07:29,639 --> 00:07:32,879 Hey, Dad, did you get Mom a present when you got divorced? 122 00:07:33,039 --> 00:07:34,119 A present? 123 00:07:34,279 --> 00:07:36,759 Yeah, a memento of your time together. 124 00:07:39,279 --> 00:07:42,279 Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together. 125 00:07:43,479 --> 00:07:46,439 So you were too cheap to get her earrings. 126 00:07:47,639 --> 00:07:49,879 She did better than earrings. 127 00:07:50,039 --> 00:07:52,519 She got my family jewels. 128 00:07:53,199 --> 00:07:54,759 - Hi, honey. - Hi, Mom. 129 00:07:54,919 --> 00:07:56,999 When you die, do I get Dad's family jewels? 130 00:07:57,479 --> 00:08:00,199 - What? - Nothing, just go inside. 131 00:08:00,359 --> 00:08:03,879 - Okay, well, thanks for dropping him off. - Judith, hang on a second. 132 00:08:04,039 --> 00:08:05,239 What? 133 00:08:06,679 --> 00:08:09,319 - How's it going? - Good. 134 00:08:09,479 --> 00:08:12,039 So your new marriage going well? Herb's okay? 135 00:08:12,199 --> 00:08:13,519 What do you want, Alan? 136 00:08:14,639 --> 00:08:16,839 Charlie's business is dead, I'm gonna be homeless. 137 00:08:16,999 --> 00:08:18,119 Well, you can't stay here. 138 00:08:18,679 --> 00:08:21,599 Oh, no, no, that's not what I was getting at... 139 00:08:21,759 --> 00:08:24,879 ...but it's good to know that door is firmly closed. 140 00:08:25,039 --> 00:08:30,119 No, what I was hoping was that we could talk about the child support. 141 00:08:30,279 --> 00:08:32,039 What about my child support? 142 00:08:32,199 --> 00:08:37,399 Well, technically, it's Jake's child support, hence the term "child." 143 00:08:39,079 --> 00:08:41,959 But I just thought maybe we could make some trims. 144 00:08:42,119 --> 00:08:45,359 For instance, the karate classes, the archery lessons... 145 00:08:45,519 --> 00:08:47,239 ...the algebra tutor. 146 00:08:47,399 --> 00:08:50,119 I mean, I don't know about you, but I've never seen him... 147 00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:53,159 ...you know, break a board or string a bow. 148 00:08:53,319 --> 00:08:56,039 And the algebra tutor, I mean, who are we kidding? 149 00:08:57,599 --> 00:09:00,239 That's like putting swim fins on a cat. 150 00:09:00,399 --> 00:09:03,919 He needs the tutor, he likes the lessons and I'm not gonna ask Herb to pay. 151 00:09:04,079 --> 00:09:07,399 - That's okay, I'll ask him. Is he home? - Goodbye, Alan. 152 00:09:09,639 --> 00:09:12,999 How about I stay in Jake's tree house? He never uses it. 153 00:09:14,519 --> 00:09:17,519 Kid doesn't even like to climb stairs. 154 00:09:18,719 --> 00:09:20,999 Come on, sweetheart, just one little bite. 155 00:09:21,159 --> 00:09:22,159 Nope. 156 00:09:23,439 --> 00:09:25,239 He's usually not this cranky. 157 00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:27,919 Have you tried a little whiskey in his sippy cup? 158 00:09:28,079 --> 00:09:31,439 - Charlie. - I'm just saying, it worked for my brother. 159 00:09:31,599 --> 00:09:34,279 - You really did that? - Still do it. 160 00:09:35,079 --> 00:09:37,519 You know what, I'm just gonna make him a hot dog. 161 00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:39,399 - You want a hot dog? - Sure. 162 00:09:40,279 --> 00:09:42,919 - I was talking to my son. - What, you just got the one? 163 00:09:43,719 --> 00:09:45,399 I'll be right back. 164 00:09:45,559 --> 00:09:48,679 Come on, kid, just have a little corn and then bedtime. 165 00:09:48,839 --> 00:09:51,358 - For both of us. - No. 166 00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:53,599 Oh, for the love of God. 167 00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:57,479 I don't come to Gymboree and knock the blocks out of your hand. 168 00:09:59,359 --> 00:10:01,199 Come on. 169 00:10:01,359 --> 00:10:04,199 It's corntastic. 170 00:10:07,239 --> 00:10:09,959 I like corn It tastes real sweet 171 00:10:10,959 --> 00:10:13,639 I don 't like peas They taste like feet 172 00:10:15,559 --> 00:10:18,919 Corn 's the king Of the veggie-food group 173 00:10:19,079 --> 00:10:21,799 And it looks the same When it's in your poop 174 00:10:24,759 --> 00:10:26,119 Son of a bitch. 175 00:10:27,399 --> 00:10:29,159 I mean, golly. 176 00:10:41,319 --> 00:10:42,879 Yeah. 177 00:10:43,039 --> 00:10:44,239 Hi, Mom. 178 00:10:44,399 --> 00:10:46,039 Hello, Alan. 179 00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:48,439 Got a minute? 180 00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:50,359 Sure. 181 00:10:55,879 --> 00:10:58,919 I mean, could you come to the door? 182 00:11:01,559 --> 00:11:02,559 No. 183 00:11:03,479 --> 00:11:07,439 Please, Mom, it's important. I'm having a real crisis here. 184 00:11:07,599 --> 00:11:10,599 Oh, darling, I'm so sorry. 185 00:11:10,758 --> 00:11:11,919 Well, good luck with that. 186 00:11:14,198 --> 00:11:15,279 Mom, please. 187 00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:18,598 I'm such a pushover. 188 00:11:20,879 --> 00:11:25,239 The money isn't just for me. It's for Charlie and your only grandson. 189 00:11:25,399 --> 00:11:27,879 I'll just be a minute, Teddy. 190 00:11:32,998 --> 00:11:34,758 What can I do for you, Alan? 191 00:11:38,279 --> 00:11:39,278 Nothing. Never mind. 192 00:11:41,959 --> 00:11:45,279 What? I'm not entitled to a love life? 193 00:11:47,238 --> 00:11:50,519 I'm ready for my punishment, headmaster. 194 00:11:57,359 --> 00:12:01,159 So you must be getting tired, huh? 195 00:12:02,839 --> 00:12:04,559 No shame in calling it a night. 196 00:12:04,759 --> 00:12:06,679 I gotta go pee-pee. 197 00:12:06,839 --> 00:12:07,919 All right, go ahead. 198 00:12:08,078 --> 00:12:12,319 First pee-pee then beddy-bye. Beats the other way around, trust me. 199 00:12:12,478 --> 00:12:14,518 I gotta go pee-pee now. 200 00:12:14,999 --> 00:12:16,878 Linda, he says he's gotta go pee-pee. 201 00:12:17,039 --> 00:12:19,719 - Would you mind taking him? - Me? 202 00:12:19,878 --> 00:12:22,119 He can't undo his pants and I'm doing the dishes. 203 00:12:23,559 --> 00:12:26,399 Fine, let's go pee-pee. 204 00:12:27,759 --> 00:12:28,918 Don't feel bad. 205 00:12:29,078 --> 00:12:31,919 I can't always undo my pants either. 206 00:12:35,559 --> 00:12:38,999 - What are you waiting for? - I don't have to anymore. 207 00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,438 Linda, he says he doesn't have to anymore. 208 00:12:41,599 --> 00:12:43,519 Trust me, he has to. 209 00:12:44,558 --> 00:12:47,998 - You heard the lady, let her rip. - No. 210 00:12:49,638 --> 00:12:52,999 Okay, okay, how about this? 211 00:12:53,159 --> 00:12:58,438 You're a giant, and there's a tiny village in the toilet bowl that's on fire... 212 00:12:58,599 --> 00:13:03,559 ...and you have to put it out by whizzing all over it. 213 00:13:03,719 --> 00:13:04,758 Hey, look. 214 00:13:05,199 --> 00:13:07,318 Here comes the giant now. 215 00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:12,398 I had a root beer I had a Coke 216 00:13:12,558 --> 00:13:16,558 I need to pee Hey, I smell smoke 217 00:13:16,719 --> 00:13:19,879 Giant, giant Up in the sky 218 00:13:20,039 --> 00:13:24,039 Grab your fire hose Let it fly 219 00:13:24,198 --> 00:13:26,919 Close your windows Lock your doors 220 00:13:27,078 --> 00:13:32,199 Because when I rain It really pours 221 00:13:34,238 --> 00:13:36,359 There you go. 222 00:13:37,078 --> 00:13:41,319 Hey, hey, hey, I'm the only one who gets to pee on my feet. 223 00:13:46,399 --> 00:13:48,999 Come on, buddy, right in here. 224 00:13:49,159 --> 00:13:51,560 Hey, Berta, look what I got. 225 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:55,239 Big deal. It's a freaking miracle you don't have 10 of them. 226 00:13:56,039 --> 00:13:58,359 This is Linda's son, Brandon. 227 00:13:58,519 --> 00:14:00,119 I'm Brandon. 228 00:14:00,279 --> 00:14:01,679 I got ears. 229 00:14:02,639 --> 00:14:03,959 So, what's he doing here? 230 00:14:04,119 --> 00:14:05,879 - I'm babysitting. - You? 231 00:14:06,039 --> 00:14:08,919 - Why not me? - You're a rum-soaked degenerate. 232 00:14:09,759 --> 00:14:12,720 Yeah, but it turns out I have child skills. 233 00:14:12,879 --> 00:14:16,120 I already got him to eat his vegetables and make pee-pee in the toilet. 234 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,799 So, "Do as I say, not as I do," huh? 235 00:14:20,719 --> 00:14:22,199 Are you gonna help me or what? 236 00:14:22,359 --> 00:14:24,480 Hey, his mom's not throwing me any. 237 00:14:27,439 --> 00:14:29,040 Don't get the wrong idea. 238 00:14:29,199 --> 00:14:32,639 Your mom and I are actually in a committed relationship. 239 00:14:35,559 --> 00:14:38,200 So if I sign up for this drug trial... 240 00:14:40,879 --> 00:14:42,479 ...I take these pills not knowing... 241 00:14:42,639 --> 00:14:45,200 ...if I'm getting the anxiety medication or a placebo? 242 00:14:45,359 --> 00:14:46,479 That's correct. 243 00:14:46,639 --> 00:14:48,559 The test group gets the actual medication... 244 00:14:48,719 --> 00:14:52,119 ...and the control group is being given sugar pills. 245 00:14:53,319 --> 00:14:55,159 So is there anything I should know about? 246 00:14:55,319 --> 00:14:57,079 Any side effects or anything? 247 00:14:57,239 --> 00:15:00,359 Well, that's one of the purposes of the research. 248 00:15:00,519 --> 00:15:03,799 But in tests of this nature, common side effects include: 249 00:15:03,959 --> 00:15:07,879 "Dry mouth, hair loss, blurred vision, inflamed gums." 250 00:15:08,039 --> 00:15:09,320 - Okay. - " Mild nausea. 251 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,719 Heart palpitations, liver damage. 252 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:16,439 Boils, shingles, sudden fainting... 253 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:20,279 ...and temporary darkening of the stool." 254 00:15:22,199 --> 00:15:24,079 Good Lord. 255 00:15:24,239 --> 00:15:26,039 How much do you pay people to do this? 256 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,400 - A thousand dollars a week. - I'm in. 257 00:15:41,999 --> 00:15:43,999 Hey, hey, hey. 258 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,159 That's not a toy. 259 00:15:46,319 --> 00:15:50,039 That's how I make my living. Not so much anymore, but still, be careful. 260 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:51,639 I wanna play. 261 00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,599 All right. 262 00:15:53,999 --> 00:15:56,119 Play this one. 263 00:15:57,919 --> 00:15:59,719 And this one. 264 00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:03,679 That's great. 265 00:16:03,839 --> 00:16:05,560 Now it's my turn. 266 00:16:07,719 --> 00:16:13,039 This is a little tune I wrote for my nephew when he was feeling down in the dumps. 267 00:16:13,199 --> 00:16:17,159 I know that the winter Follows the fall 268 00:16:19,159 --> 00:16:22,399 And in New York The buildings are tall 269 00:16:25,119 --> 00:16:27,839 I hear that in China They have a Great Wall 270 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,879 I know these things and more 271 00:16:33,039 --> 00:16:38,200 But there's just one answer I'm still looking for 272 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:45,239 Who cut the cheese? Who cut the cheese? 273 00:16:45,399 --> 00:16:48,879 I ask you, please Did you cut the cheese? 274 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:52,279 I'm not averse to learnin ' Tell me why my eyes are burnin ' 275 00:16:52,439 --> 00:16:54,120 Who cut the cheese? 276 00:16:54,279 --> 00:16:55,519 Everybody. 277 00:16:55,679 --> 00:16:58,920 Who cut the cheese? Who cut the cheese? 278 00:16:59,079 --> 00:17:02,559 I ask you, please Did you cut the cheese? 279 00:17:02,719 --> 00:17:06,320 I'm not averse to learnin ' Tell me why my eyes are burnin ' 280 00:17:06,479 --> 00:17:11,120 Who cut the cheese? 281 00:17:17,279 --> 00:17:18,959 I can't thank you enough. 282 00:17:19,159 --> 00:17:21,639 No problem, we had fun. 283 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:25,559 Look, after I drop him off at his dad's, why don't I come back... 284 00:17:25,719 --> 00:17:28,439 ...and show my appreciation for those earrings? 285 00:17:28,599 --> 00:17:31,919 Gee, I'd love to, but it's been a long day. 286 00:17:32,079 --> 00:17:35,599 I just wanna soak in a hot bath and have a little me time. 287 00:17:36,039 --> 00:17:37,919 Oh, come on, Charlie. 288 00:17:38,079 --> 00:17:40,519 Hey, hey, hey, while you were off having fun at work... 289 00:17:40,679 --> 00:17:43,839 ...I was cooped up all day in this house taking care of your child. 290 00:17:43,999 --> 00:17:45,519 Okay, sorry. 291 00:17:45,679 --> 00:17:48,839 I'm just saying I'm not a light switch. 292 00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:50,839 I'll call you later. 293 00:17:51,719 --> 00:17:55,359 Oh, wait, wait. I made something for Brandon. 294 00:17:57,399 --> 00:17:59,799 I sang some songs for him, he seemed to like them... 295 00:17:59,959 --> 00:18:01,719 ...so I burned them onto a CD. 296 00:18:01,879 --> 00:18:03,119 Oh, how sweet. 297 00:18:03,279 --> 00:18:06,519 Sweet? Clearly you're not familiar with my work. 298 00:18:06,679 --> 00:18:08,079 Anyway, he seemed to dig them. 299 00:18:08,239 --> 00:18:10,039 Well, thank you. 300 00:18:13,119 --> 00:18:15,199 Hi, Alan. 301 00:18:15,359 --> 00:18:16,799 Hi. 302 00:18:33,399 --> 00:18:36,439 I don't think I'm in the control group. 303 00:18:53,224 --> 00:18:56,184 Are you really sure you should be taking those pills with beer? 304 00:18:56,343 --> 00:18:59,064 What else can happen to me, Charlie? 305 00:18:59,223 --> 00:19:03,144 My hair is coming out, I'm having fainting spells... 306 00:19:03,304 --> 00:19:06,584 ...I can see my heart beating through my shirt... 307 00:19:07,144 --> 00:19:09,264 ...and my poop looks like charcoal briquettes. 308 00:19:09,424 --> 00:19:12,504 So stop taking the medication. 309 00:19:12,663 --> 00:19:14,384 It's $ 1000 a week. We need the money. 310 00:19:14,544 --> 00:19:16,664 Oh, relax. Something will turn up. 311 00:19:16,824 --> 00:19:18,664 Something's already turned up. 312 00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:21,704 I'm pretty sure I dropped a third testicle. 313 00:19:27,343 --> 00:19:28,344 Hello? 314 00:19:29,144 --> 00:19:30,264 Hang on. 315 00:19:30,424 --> 00:19:32,904 It's Linda's ex-husband. He wants to talk to you. 316 00:19:33,064 --> 00:19:35,544 - I don't wanna talk to him, talk to him. - I'm not gonna. 317 00:19:35,703 --> 00:19:38,104 Come on. You've got 30 percent more balls than I do. 318 00:19:44,343 --> 00:19:47,784 Hello? Yeah, this is Charlie. 319 00:19:47,944 --> 00:19:49,624 What about Brandon? 320 00:19:50,103 --> 00:19:52,744 Oh, good, good, I'm glad he likes the songs. 321 00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:56,984 Yeah, Linda mentioned you were in the music business. 322 00:19:57,503 --> 00:20:01,864 Well, that's flattering, but I already have a very lucrative career writing jingles. 323 00:20:02,024 --> 00:20:06,904 I don't see myself walking away from that to record children's songs. 324 00:20:08,784 --> 00:20:10,504 How much? 325 00:20:11,024 --> 00:20:12,024 I'm in. 326 00:20:13,624 --> 00:20:15,984 How about that? Something turned up. 327 00:20:18,584 --> 00:20:19,984 Send the papers over. 328 00:20:20,143 --> 00:20:22,544 Great, great. 329 00:20:23,464 --> 00:20:28,744 No, no, I love kids. And more important, they love me. 330 00:20:32,944 --> 00:20:34,904 No, no, no. None of my own.