1 00:00:02,998 --> 00:00:04,878 Okay, okay, okay. It's your birthday. 2 00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:07,318 We're going to a ball game, only got three tickets. 3 00:00:07,478 --> 00:00:08,998 - Cool. - It's not his birthday. 4 00:00:09,158 --> 00:00:11,078 - What else you get me? - Not your birthday. 5 00:00:11,238 --> 00:00:13,838 - Charlie, what's going on? - I've got a delicate situation. 6 00:00:13,998 --> 00:00:17,238 - I need to appear as if I have plans. - Does your situation have a name? 7 00:00:17,398 --> 00:00:19,958 I'm sure she does. Just follow my lead. 8 00:00:20,118 --> 00:00:21,918 - Dodgers or Angels? - Let's say Dodgers. 9 00:00:22,078 --> 00:00:24,158 See, the kid knows how to do this. 10 00:00:24,798 --> 00:00:27,518 I'll get my mitt. Oh, boy, a ball game. 11 00:00:28,438 --> 00:00:30,718 - Now, that's commitment. - That's not commitment. 12 00:00:30,878 --> 00:00:32,438 That's lead paint in the nursery. 13 00:00:32,598 --> 00:00:35,318 Hey, Steve, you down there? 14 00:00:35,478 --> 00:00:37,558 Oh, yeah, and my name's Steve. 15 00:00:38,398 --> 00:00:39,398 Coming. 16 00:00:39,558 --> 00:00:42,678 Charlie, I'm not gonna lie to some poor woman so you can dump her. 17 00:00:42,838 --> 00:00:44,678 I am not dumping her. 18 00:00:44,838 --> 00:00:46,559 We've just grown apart. 19 00:00:46,718 --> 00:00:49,118 Since you picked her up at a bar last night? 20 00:00:49,638 --> 00:00:50,838 People change. 21 00:00:52,478 --> 00:00:53,478 Hello? 22 00:00:53,638 --> 00:00:55,398 Oh, God. 23 00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:57,598 In here, Mom. 24 00:00:57,758 --> 00:01:00,198 So, what are my boys up to today? 25 00:01:03,159 --> 00:01:06,198 We're going to a Dodger game, and we've only got three tickets. 26 00:01:13,982 --> 00:01:17,103 So you're on your way to a ball game. 27 00:01:17,262 --> 00:01:19,462 Yep. It's a little treat for Jake's birthday. 28 00:01:19,622 --> 00:01:21,103 That was months ago. 29 00:01:22,703 --> 00:01:25,303 We were waiting for bobblehead day. 30 00:01:27,343 --> 00:01:30,703 It's good for Jake to see other bobbleheads. 31 00:01:32,023 --> 00:01:33,423 Hey, Dad, I just checked online. 32 00:01:33,583 --> 00:01:36,183 The Dodgers are in San Francisco today. 33 00:01:37,783 --> 00:01:40,783 Yes, well, we'd better get going then. 34 00:01:43,502 --> 00:01:45,262 It's quite a drive. 35 00:01:45,422 --> 00:01:48,503 Must you continue with this pathetic, little charade? 36 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:51,302 At this point, we're kind of committed. 37 00:01:51,982 --> 00:01:53,902 All right, we're not going to a ball game. 38 00:01:54,062 --> 00:01:56,902 We're not? Man, this is the worst birthday ever. 39 00:01:57,062 --> 00:01:59,703 Why do you have to lie to me? 40 00:01:59,863 --> 00:02:01,742 We don't have to. It's a choice we make. 41 00:02:02,542 --> 00:02:05,343 Well, you both might find this all amusing. 42 00:02:05,503 --> 00:02:08,022 But I do have feelings, and I can be hurt. 43 00:02:09,422 --> 00:02:10,423 Sorry, Mom. 44 00:02:10,583 --> 00:02:13,743 It's just crushing to know that my own sons think so little of me. 45 00:02:13,903 --> 00:02:16,262 Really? After all this time? 46 00:02:17,102 --> 00:02:18,302 Charlie. 47 00:02:18,462 --> 00:02:20,662 We're both sorry. Is there anything we can do? 48 00:02:20,823 --> 00:02:22,503 Well, as a matter of fact there is. 49 00:02:22,663 --> 00:02:24,463 Oh, you just walked right into that. 50 00:02:25,543 --> 00:02:27,502 Teddy is out of town, and I need an escort... 51 00:02:27,662 --> 00:02:29,903 ...for the Civic Light Opera benefit this evening. 52 00:02:30,063 --> 00:02:32,103 Why don't you try one of those escort services? 53 00:02:32,263 --> 00:02:34,703 Charlie, if I were gonna pay $200 per hour for a man... 54 00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:37,262 ...I would not be taking him to the opera. 55 00:02:37,423 --> 00:02:38,423 That's fair. 56 00:02:38,583 --> 00:02:41,463 Well, I'd love to help you out, Mom, but I have a date tonight. 57 00:02:42,263 --> 00:02:46,823 Oh, so now it's inflatable-sex-doll night at Dodger Stadium. 58 00:02:47,783 --> 00:02:49,023 No. 59 00:02:49,182 --> 00:02:50,863 No, I really have a date. 60 00:02:51,023 --> 00:02:53,302 And the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients. 61 00:02:54,063 --> 00:02:55,183 Charlie, what about you? 62 00:02:55,703 --> 00:02:58,183 I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman. 63 00:02:58,782 --> 00:03:01,423 Do you have plans this evening? 64 00:03:01,583 --> 00:03:02,703 Oh, l... Well... 65 00:03:02,863 --> 00:03:04,542 Hey, Steve. 66 00:03:04,702 --> 00:03:06,543 In here. 67 00:03:06,703 --> 00:03:08,343 As a matter of fact, I do have plans. 68 00:03:08,502 --> 00:03:11,343 I have a very special lady friend over for the weekend. 69 00:03:11,503 --> 00:03:13,342 And here she is now. Hey, baby. 70 00:03:13,503 --> 00:03:14,863 Hi. 71 00:03:16,103 --> 00:03:17,383 Excuse me. 72 00:03:22,382 --> 00:03:23,462 Isn't she something? 73 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:30,062 Okay, but get a town car, because I ain't going sober. 74 00:03:37,703 --> 00:03:38,702 Your town car's here. 75 00:03:39,262 --> 00:03:40,583 Terrific. 76 00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:41,743 Come on. 77 00:03:41,903 --> 00:03:45,383 I have been to these things with Mom, and I know you think it's gonna be bad. 78 00:03:45,542 --> 00:03:49,423 But believe me, it's gonna be worse than you can even imagine. 79 00:03:49,583 --> 00:03:51,663 You're really enjoying this, aren't you? 80 00:03:51,823 --> 00:03:53,863 You just love seeing me unhappy. 81 00:03:54,023 --> 00:03:56,782 Well, yeah. 82 00:03:57,342 --> 00:04:00,303 Did you feel sorry for me when I had to wear that cowboy outfit... 83 00:04:00,463 --> 00:04:01,902 ...to her celebrity AIDS hoedown? 84 00:04:02,623 --> 00:04:04,023 - That was different. - How? 85 00:04:04,183 --> 00:04:05,383 It was you. 86 00:04:06,103 --> 00:04:08,462 Yeah, well, now it's you. 87 00:04:08,622 --> 00:04:11,023 Yippee kay yay, mother accompanier. 88 00:04:16,583 --> 00:04:18,263 Want a few tips? 89 00:04:18,423 --> 00:04:19,422 Like what? 90 00:04:19,582 --> 00:04:20,743 Well, let's see. 91 00:04:20,903 --> 00:04:23,463 Mom likes to starve herself for a few days before these... 92 00:04:23,623 --> 00:04:25,023 ...so she can fit into her gown. 93 00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:28,583 That means she'll be knocking back vodka gimlets on an empty stomach. 94 00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:33,542 - Oh, jeez, she can be a cranky drunk. - Cranky? 95 00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:37,262 I got bitch-slapped with my own 10-gallon hat. 96 00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:40,903 So, what's the tip? Don't wear a 10-gallon hat? 97 00:04:41,063 --> 00:04:43,982 All you have to do is bring along a little baggie of crackers... 98 00:04:44,142 --> 00:04:45,583 ...you know, saltines, Goldfish. 99 00:04:45,743 --> 00:04:48,502 Anything you can stuff down her throat to soak up the booze. 100 00:04:49,263 --> 00:04:51,023 How about a throw pillow? 101 00:04:52,502 --> 00:04:55,303 Oh, oh, and whatever you do, don't let her take off her shoes. 102 00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:56,823 - Why not? - Well, A, 103 00:04:56,983 --> 00:04:58,983 ...you'll be carrying them all night, and B... 104 00:04:59,143 --> 00:05:00,623 ...you'll wind up giving her a foot massage. 105 00:05:00,783 --> 00:05:02,743 That's not something anybody wants to see. 106 00:05:03,342 --> 00:05:04,463 Oh, God. 107 00:05:04,623 --> 00:05:07,623 Not to mention the fact that it puts you on bunion patrol. 108 00:05:10,062 --> 00:05:11,702 Anyway, have fun. 109 00:05:12,463 --> 00:05:16,583 I'm off to pick up a beautiful, smart, funny, sexually-available woman... 110 00:05:16,743 --> 00:05:19,543 ...who, best of all, is not my mother. 111 00:05:20,143 --> 00:05:22,382 Give it time. You'll get her there. 112 00:05:24,182 --> 00:05:26,983 In consideration of the evening you have ahead of you... 113 00:05:27,143 --> 00:05:28,822 ...I'm gonna let you have that one. 114 00:05:34,423 --> 00:05:36,942 Yeah, these are the good times. 115 00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:42,863 Another gimlet, please. 116 00:05:43,023 --> 00:05:45,422 You sure you don't want a Wheat Thin? 117 00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:48,862 Wheaty. 118 00:05:49,022 --> 00:05:50,942 No, I need the liquor to dull the pain. 119 00:05:51,103 --> 00:05:52,663 My shoes are killing me. 120 00:05:52,822 --> 00:05:56,343 Yeah, but they look wonderful on your feet, right where they are now. 121 00:05:56,623 --> 00:05:59,343 - Oh, look who's over there. - Who? 122 00:05:59,503 --> 00:06:02,223 One of the most powerful union leaders in Hollywood. 123 00:06:02,702 --> 00:06:04,143 What about him? 124 00:06:06,663 --> 00:06:09,263 - Really? The mob? - Yeah. 125 00:06:09,422 --> 00:06:12,462 They say he killed a writer once just to make a point. 126 00:06:13,103 --> 00:06:14,782 What was the point? 127 00:06:15,182 --> 00:06:16,463 "I can kill a writer." 128 00:06:18,622 --> 00:06:20,942 - And the silver-haired man he's talking to. - Yeah? 129 00:06:21,102 --> 00:06:24,623 That is the king of vaginal-rejuvenation surgery. 130 00:06:24,782 --> 00:06:27,822 But, interestingly, he's never used one himself... 131 00:06:27,983 --> 00:06:29,783 ...rejuvenated or otherwise. 132 00:06:31,382 --> 00:06:33,943 Wouldn't that make him the queen of vaginal surgery? 133 00:06:34,863 --> 00:06:36,383 Good for you, Charlie. 134 00:06:36,543 --> 00:06:37,743 I wish I'd thought of that. 135 00:06:37,903 --> 00:06:39,303 And from now on, I did. 136 00:06:40,223 --> 00:06:41,223 It's yours. 137 00:06:41,382 --> 00:06:43,342 So, what other dirt you got? 138 00:06:43,503 --> 00:06:47,182 Oh, darling, you know, I don't like to speak ill of anyone. 139 00:06:49,823 --> 00:06:50,823 All right. 140 00:06:50,982 --> 00:06:55,623 Bankrupt, embezzler, tushie tuck, bigamist, pill freak. 141 00:06:55,782 --> 00:06:57,103 And that one over there? 142 00:06:57,263 --> 00:07:00,582 Underwent surgery to have a cell phone removed from his lower intestine. 143 00:07:02,262 --> 00:07:04,783 - How in the world did it get there? - One can speculate. 144 00:07:04,943 --> 00:07:07,543 But I have it on good authority that it was set to vibrate. 145 00:07:09,903 --> 00:07:11,543 How do you know all these things? 146 00:07:11,702 --> 00:07:15,262 Oh, Charlie, it's my business to know these things. 147 00:07:15,422 --> 00:07:21,182 High-end real estate is all about gathering information and forging relationships. 148 00:07:21,343 --> 00:07:22,463 Hello, Beatrice, darling. 149 00:07:22,623 --> 00:07:26,583 Lovely to see you, you two-dollar whore. 150 00:07:27,263 --> 00:07:29,942 You know, Mom, it's great to watch you doing autopsies... 151 00:07:30,102 --> 00:07:31,383 ...when I'm not the cadaver. 152 00:07:31,543 --> 00:07:33,823 Half the fun is sharing with someone you love. 153 00:07:33,983 --> 00:07:35,783 You see that statuesque woman over there? 154 00:07:35,943 --> 00:07:37,863 The one with the knock-off Prada handbag? 155 00:07:38,023 --> 00:07:39,583 Don't tell me. She's not a woman. 156 00:07:39,743 --> 00:07:40,983 Oh, she's a woman. 157 00:07:41,143 --> 00:07:43,262 She's an amazing woman. 158 00:07:43,423 --> 00:07:46,343 She built a children's hospital in Guatemala. 159 00:07:46,503 --> 00:07:47,703 Yeah, and...? 160 00:07:47,863 --> 00:07:51,622 Once they're healthy enough to walk, she flies them to Los Angeles... 161 00:07:51,782 --> 00:07:54,382 ...and leases them out to celebrities as household slaves. 162 00:07:54,543 --> 00:07:55,622 Hello, dear. 163 00:07:57,942 --> 00:08:00,103 I'm trying to sell her home. 164 00:08:00,262 --> 00:08:03,223 Kind of hard to put a good spin on media-room-slash-dungeon. 165 00:08:09,983 --> 00:08:11,942 I'm sorry, Alan. I can't do this. 166 00:08:12,103 --> 00:08:13,823 Sure you can. I mean, you are. 167 00:08:13,982 --> 00:08:17,542 And if you'll allow me to say so, you're pretty good at it. 168 00:08:17,702 --> 00:08:19,223 It's not you, it's me. 169 00:08:20,022 --> 00:08:22,023 - Yeah, right. - What is that supposed to mean? 170 00:08:22,183 --> 00:08:28,303 Sharon, I have been rejected by 32 different women in my life. 171 00:08:28,463 --> 00:08:30,982 And you know what? It's never been me. 172 00:08:31,703 --> 00:08:33,543 Okay, it's you. Feel better? 173 00:08:34,223 --> 00:08:36,023 Actually, no. 174 00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:37,263 You're a very nice guy. 175 00:08:37,422 --> 00:08:39,983 That's even worse. You know what they say about nice guys. 176 00:08:40,143 --> 00:08:41,262 Yes, they finish last. 177 00:08:41,422 --> 00:08:43,622 No, they finish in the shower. 178 00:08:44,182 --> 00:08:47,223 What do you want? I can't help if I'm not sexually attracted to you. 179 00:08:47,383 --> 00:08:49,423 Yes, you can. You just have to make an effort. 180 00:08:50,902 --> 00:08:53,103 You know those jokes you don't get right away? 181 00:08:53,263 --> 00:08:57,182 And then in a day or two, you find yourself laughing and laughing? 182 00:08:57,342 --> 00:08:58,982 That's me. 183 00:08:59,823 --> 00:09:01,543 I'm one of those jokes. 184 00:09:02,223 --> 00:09:06,102 You'll sleep with me now, and you'll be attracted to me later. 185 00:09:07,543 --> 00:09:09,623 Please, Sharon, just give me a chance. 186 00:09:11,182 --> 00:09:12,343 Oh, what the hell. 187 00:09:15,343 --> 00:09:16,782 Good to see you, dear. 188 00:09:16,942 --> 00:09:20,623 You look marvelous. For a heroin addict. 189 00:09:21,703 --> 00:09:22,862 Let me ask you something. 190 00:09:23,023 --> 00:09:25,462 If you don't like any of these people, why do you come? 191 00:09:25,623 --> 00:09:27,343 Charlie, do you read the paper? 192 00:09:27,502 --> 00:09:30,743 Do you have any idea what the Los Angeles real-estate market is like now? 193 00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:32,783 Can't say I do. How are those feet feeling? 194 00:09:32,943 --> 00:09:36,943 - You wanna put your shoes back on? - No one is selling unless they have to. 195 00:09:37,102 --> 00:09:39,982 Which means, I have to be out working these rooms every night... 196 00:09:40,142 --> 00:09:43,063 ...to learn who's getting divorced, who's dying, can't make bail... 197 00:09:43,223 --> 00:09:45,263 ...whose crappy sitcom got canceled. 198 00:09:45,423 --> 00:09:48,303 I mean, let's face it. I'm not a young woman anymore. 199 00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:51,463 In the old days, I could find out all that stuff at home on my back. 200 00:09:53,183 --> 00:09:54,463 Evelyn. 201 00:09:54,623 --> 00:09:56,143 Margaret, good to see you. 202 00:09:56,302 --> 00:09:59,503 - How's married life? - Oh, just one long honeymoon. 203 00:09:59,663 --> 00:10:02,062 That's because she bangs a different groom every night. 204 00:10:04,142 --> 00:10:06,543 Hi. Charlie Harper. 205 00:10:07,022 --> 00:10:09,342 Oh, my God. 206 00:10:10,223 --> 00:10:11,942 That was amazing. 207 00:10:12,703 --> 00:10:13,823 Wasn't that amazing? 208 00:10:13,982 --> 00:10:15,823 I hate myself. 209 00:10:17,103 --> 00:10:19,823 What? No, no, no, you were great. 210 00:10:19,983 --> 00:10:21,863 You did a crackerjack job. 211 00:10:22,023 --> 00:10:26,863 Why do I always do this? Why do I have this constant need to degrade myself? 212 00:10:30,103 --> 00:10:32,143 Would it help to cuddle? 213 00:10:32,303 --> 00:10:34,743 Don't touch me. 214 00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:37,543 Okay. No touching. 215 00:10:38,343 --> 00:10:44,462 The image of you lying on top of me will haunt me forever. 216 00:10:48,063 --> 00:10:49,423 Did you wanna be on top? 217 00:10:51,063 --> 00:10:54,742 Because if you give me a half an hour and a glass of juice, we can try that. 218 00:10:57,823 --> 00:11:00,823 Hi, hi, Dr. Phillips. It's me, Sharon. 219 00:11:00,983 --> 00:11:02,863 I did it again. 220 00:11:03,023 --> 00:11:05,142 I don't know why. 221 00:11:05,302 --> 00:11:06,423 I felt sorry for him. 222 00:11:08,302 --> 00:11:11,622 Hey, hey, why don't I whip us up some French toast? 223 00:11:12,903 --> 00:11:15,022 Shut up. 224 00:11:15,982 --> 00:11:20,583 Okay, I'm just gonna get a nice glass of cran-apple just in case. 225 00:11:20,743 --> 00:11:22,223 How bad was it? 226 00:11:22,383 --> 00:11:24,622 How bad was it? I'm in a fold-out bed. 227 00:11:30,808 --> 00:11:31,928 Morning. 228 00:11:32,088 --> 00:11:33,608 Morning. 229 00:11:34,449 --> 00:11:36,369 Hey, Berta, you're a woman... 230 00:11:36,528 --> 00:11:38,728 Where are we going with this, zippy? 231 00:11:39,249 --> 00:11:40,248 I was just wondering. 232 00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:43,369 What does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably... 233 00:11:43,528 --> 00:11:44,528 ...after sex? 234 00:11:44,688 --> 00:11:48,248 Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over. 235 00:11:52,368 --> 00:11:53,608 Right. Thanks. 236 00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:56,008 What happened? You get yourself a weeper? 237 00:11:56,168 --> 00:11:57,448 Yeah. Yeah, last night. 238 00:11:57,608 --> 00:11:59,528 I've never seen anything like it before. 239 00:11:59,689 --> 00:12:00,888 That's hard to believe. 240 00:12:02,328 --> 00:12:04,209 I got it. 241 00:12:05,049 --> 00:12:06,568 Hello? 242 00:12:06,728 --> 00:12:07,929 Oh, hey, Mom. How are you? 243 00:12:08,808 --> 00:12:10,368 Yeah, that was fun last night. 244 00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:13,689 No, I'm not doing anything. Why? 245 00:12:13,848 --> 00:12:16,048 Sure. I'd love to go shopping with you. 246 00:12:18,048 --> 00:12:20,208 Great. I'll see you then. 247 00:12:26,488 --> 00:12:27,848 What? 248 00:12:28,608 --> 00:12:30,128 - Nothing. - Nothing. 249 00:12:30,728 --> 00:12:32,728 Hey, hey, Mom's not that bad. 250 00:12:32,889 --> 00:12:36,208 In fact, she's kind of fun to hang out with. 251 00:12:37,488 --> 00:12:40,328 That has to be the creepiest thing I've ever heard. 252 00:12:40,488 --> 00:12:45,168 You know, I said the same thing to myself just a couple minutes ago. 253 00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:53,448 - You sure you can't stay for dinner? - Oh, I'd love to, sweetie. 254 00:12:53,609 --> 00:12:57,008 But Teddy's back in town, and Mommy plans to get laid tonight. 255 00:12:57,169 --> 00:12:59,808 Well, good for you. Please, give him my best. 256 00:13:00,408 --> 00:13:02,288 Only after I give him my best. 257 00:13:03,889 --> 00:13:06,128 - Hello. - Oh, hi, Alan. 258 00:13:06,288 --> 00:13:07,768 Don't forget your little gifty. 259 00:13:07,928 --> 00:13:09,328 You bought him a gifty? 260 00:13:09,488 --> 00:13:11,728 My way of saying, "Thank you for lunch." 261 00:13:11,888 --> 00:13:13,048 You took her to lunch? 262 00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:15,409 I must have gained 5 pounds. 263 00:13:15,568 --> 00:13:17,528 Oh, stop. You have a terrific figure. 264 00:13:17,688 --> 00:13:19,048 Thank you. 265 00:13:19,888 --> 00:13:21,648 Are you high? 266 00:13:22,328 --> 00:13:25,009 It never hurts to pay a compliment to someone you care about. 267 00:13:25,168 --> 00:13:26,888 Yeah, you should try it once in a while. 268 00:13:27,048 --> 00:13:28,888 Might cut down on that postcoital weeping. 269 00:13:30,769 --> 00:13:32,409 How did you know about that? 270 00:13:32,568 --> 00:13:34,448 Berta told me, I told Mom. 271 00:13:34,609 --> 00:13:36,408 Your brother and I don't have any secrets. 272 00:13:39,129 --> 00:13:41,208 Maybe I'm high. 273 00:13:41,968 --> 00:13:43,968 Okay, well, I must be off. 274 00:13:44,128 --> 00:13:47,608 Places to go, houses to sell, new widows to cold call. 275 00:13:47,769 --> 00:13:49,248 Oh, oh, that reminds me. 276 00:13:49,408 --> 00:13:51,968 Charlie, some woman named Margaret called looking for you. 277 00:13:52,128 --> 00:13:53,168 Margaret? 278 00:13:53,328 --> 00:13:55,568 Oh, yeah, Honeymoon Margaret from last night. 279 00:13:55,729 --> 00:13:57,168 Charlie. 280 00:13:57,328 --> 00:13:59,569 The woman's husband is one of my biggest clients. 281 00:13:59,728 --> 00:14:03,048 - Oh, Mom. - Please, I'm not asking as your mother. 282 00:14:03,208 --> 00:14:05,008 I'm asking as your friend. 283 00:14:06,728 --> 00:14:09,128 All right, as a friend, hands off. 284 00:14:09,288 --> 00:14:11,288 Thank you, darling. 285 00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:12,768 I love you. 286 00:14:12,928 --> 00:14:14,368 See you, Alan. 287 00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:17,288 I guess I'll just throw this away. 288 00:14:18,448 --> 00:14:20,248 What? You're not gonna call her, are you? 289 00:14:20,408 --> 00:14:23,128 Well, it's a bit of a dilemma. 290 00:14:23,288 --> 00:14:25,808 On the one hand, there's this beautiful, available woman. 291 00:14:25,968 --> 00:14:27,648 - She's married. - According to Mom... 292 00:14:27,808 --> 00:14:28,968 ...not a fanatic about it. 293 00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:34,409 So am I the kind of guy who would go back on his word to his own mother... 294 00:14:34,568 --> 00:14:36,609 ...just for a really hot one-night stand? 295 00:14:38,848 --> 00:14:40,368 Is that a rhetorical question? 296 00:14:41,328 --> 00:14:42,769 Tell you what. 297 00:14:43,448 --> 00:14:44,608 We'll leave it to chance. 298 00:14:45,809 --> 00:14:48,048 If I miss, I'll take the high road. 299 00:14:48,208 --> 00:14:50,008 If it goes in, I'll call Margaret. 300 00:15:01,808 --> 00:15:02,928 I guess it's fate. 301 00:15:22,728 --> 00:15:23,929 Are you ready for me? 302 00:15:24,489 --> 00:15:27,128 Oh, bravo. 303 00:15:34,568 --> 00:15:38,248 Just to be clear, this is a tit for tat kind of deal, right? 304 00:15:38,408 --> 00:15:40,529 Your husband cheated on you, the rotten bastard. 305 00:15:40,688 --> 00:15:43,768 - And now you're cheating on him? - No, he never cheated on me. 306 00:15:44,369 --> 00:15:46,928 Oh, so what? He's mean to you, he's abusive? 307 00:15:47,568 --> 00:15:49,288 No. He's a doll. 308 00:15:51,128 --> 00:15:52,688 Is he gay? 309 00:15:52,848 --> 00:15:54,768 Not at all. 310 00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:58,248 Was he in some sort of bizarre hunting accident? 311 00:15:58,968 --> 00:15:59,968 What? 312 00:16:00,129 --> 00:16:02,968 You know, fell crotch-first into an open bear trap? 313 00:16:03,128 --> 00:16:05,608 No. He's all man. 314 00:16:06,208 --> 00:16:08,248 So then why are you doing this? 315 00:16:08,808 --> 00:16:10,289 Well, it's very simple. 316 00:16:10,448 --> 00:16:13,128 I like having sex with strangers. 317 00:16:14,488 --> 00:16:15,728 Well, good for you. 318 00:16:19,088 --> 00:16:21,328 Is your husband hiding somewhere watching us? 319 00:16:21,488 --> 00:16:22,928 No. He's in Dallas on business. 320 00:16:23,088 --> 00:16:25,649 Charlie, are we gonna do this or what? 321 00:16:26,048 --> 00:16:29,688 - Actually, I don't think I can. - Why not? 322 00:16:29,848 --> 00:16:33,688 Well, I kind of promised my mother I wouldn't. 323 00:16:33,848 --> 00:16:36,848 - Your mother? - She's also my friend. 324 00:16:37,128 --> 00:16:38,928 So, what do you wanna do? 325 00:16:40,609 --> 00:16:41,888 Tell you what. 326 00:16:42,048 --> 00:16:44,048 We'll leave it to chance. 327 00:16:45,809 --> 00:16:49,848 If I nail this, then, you know, ditto. 328 00:16:51,608 --> 00:16:52,648 Margaret. 329 00:16:52,809 --> 00:16:54,688 - Oh, God. - Who's that? 330 00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:57,329 - Who do you think? - Another stranger? 331 00:16:57,488 --> 00:16:58,528 My husband. Get out. 332 00:16:58,688 --> 00:17:00,368 Right. 333 00:17:01,449 --> 00:17:03,608 - Where the hell should I go? - Out the window. 334 00:17:03,768 --> 00:17:05,368 I'm not going out the window. 335 00:17:05,528 --> 00:17:07,648 - He's an ex-Marine. - I'm going out the window. 336 00:17:13,488 --> 00:17:15,569 Oh, damn. 337 00:17:20,888 --> 00:17:23,688 - Hi. - Sharon? 338 00:17:23,848 --> 00:17:26,168 - What's up? - I was hoping we could talk. 339 00:17:26,728 --> 00:17:28,368 Oh, sure. 340 00:17:28,528 --> 00:17:30,088 May I come in? 341 00:17:30,768 --> 00:17:32,169 - Okay. - Thanks. 342 00:17:32,328 --> 00:17:34,408 I'm kind of surprised to see you. 343 00:17:34,568 --> 00:17:37,249 I know. I behaved really badly the other night. 344 00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:39,488 You were a little emotional. 345 00:17:39,648 --> 00:17:42,568 I wasn't a little emotional. I was borderline psychotic. 346 00:17:43,208 --> 00:17:46,128 Well, since you brought it up, I'd say you crossed that border... 347 00:17:46,288 --> 00:17:48,769 ...with 10 more crazy people in your trunk. 348 00:17:49,368 --> 00:17:50,969 I know. I'm so sorry. 349 00:17:51,128 --> 00:17:52,329 I get like that sometimes. 350 00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:56,368 It's a combination of low self-esteem, low blood sugar... 351 00:17:56,528 --> 00:17:59,288 ...and mixing red wine with my dog's painkillers. 352 00:18:04,448 --> 00:18:07,768 I once took my cold medication with a mimosa. 353 00:18:07,928 --> 00:18:09,928 Spaced me out the whole day. 354 00:18:10,368 --> 00:18:12,128 - So you forgive me? - Oh, absolutely. 355 00:18:12,288 --> 00:18:13,928 Oh, thank you, Alan. 356 00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:16,688 Don't mention it. 357 00:18:22,408 --> 00:18:23,768 What are we doing? 358 00:18:23,928 --> 00:18:25,848 I'd like to make it up to you. 359 00:18:27,049 --> 00:18:30,889 Do you really think that's a good idea? Last time it didn't work out so well. 360 00:18:31,048 --> 00:18:33,209 Please, Alan, just give me another chance? 361 00:18:39,568 --> 00:18:41,288 Oh, what the hell. 362 00:18:43,008 --> 00:18:44,888 - I thought you were in Dallas. - I was. 363 00:18:45,048 --> 00:18:47,329 I got a phone call telling me to check on my wife. 364 00:18:47,489 --> 00:18:48,808 A phone call? From who? 365 00:18:48,968 --> 00:18:50,209 That's not important. 366 00:18:50,369 --> 00:18:51,408 This marriage is over. 367 00:18:51,568 --> 00:18:52,928 I want you out of my house. 368 00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:54,128 Well, I'm not leaving. 369 00:18:54,288 --> 00:18:56,288 You're gonna have to, because I'm selling it. 370 00:18:56,448 --> 00:18:57,808 In this market? Are you crazy? 371 00:18:57,968 --> 00:18:59,088 I've got a great realtor. 372 00:18:59,248 --> 00:19:01,088 And she assures me she can get top dollar. 373 00:19:01,248 --> 00:19:02,928 You've already talked to a realtor? 374 00:19:03,088 --> 00:19:04,728 Who do you think called me in Dallas? 375 00:19:04,889 --> 00:19:06,328 And she's not just my realtor. 376 00:19:06,488 --> 00:19:08,208 She's my friend. 377 00:19:08,368 --> 00:19:10,328 Oh, Mom. 378 00:19:15,928 --> 00:19:17,008 I hate you. 379 00:19:17,168 --> 00:19:19,928 You're a pig, and you used me. 380 00:19:24,968 --> 00:19:26,289 Hey, she's cute. 381 00:19:27,048 --> 00:19:28,528 Yes, she is. 382 00:19:30,368 --> 00:19:34,128 - So how's it going? - Well, we're trying to make it work. 383 00:19:35,848 --> 00:19:36,849 Good for you. 384 00:19:37,008 --> 00:19:38,208 So how was your night? 385 00:19:38,369 --> 00:19:39,848 You'd be proud of me. 386 00:19:40,009 --> 00:19:41,808 - I took the high road. - Congratulations. 387 00:19:42,489 --> 00:19:43,488 Didn't matter. 388 00:19:43,648 --> 00:19:45,448 It rarely does. 389 00:19:50,098 --> 00:19:51,657 Wait a minute. You're telling me... 390 00:19:51,817 --> 00:19:54,177 ...Mom knew you were gonna sleep with that woman... 391 00:19:54,338 --> 00:19:56,497 ...and called the husband so that he'd catch her? 392 00:19:56,658 --> 00:19:57,658 Yep. 393 00:19:57,817 --> 00:20:01,338 The marriage ends and Mom gets a big commission for selling their house. 394 00:20:02,537 --> 00:20:05,257 She's an evil genius, Alan. 395 00:20:06,257 --> 00:20:09,817 If she lived in Gotham City, Batman would be toast. 396 00:20:10,938 --> 00:20:13,737 Hey, isn't that your new girlfriend? 397 00:20:13,897 --> 00:20:15,218 Where? 398 00:20:15,377 --> 00:20:16,978 Over there. 399 00:20:17,138 --> 00:20:20,177 Walking into the ocean with all her clothes on. 400 00:20:21,218 --> 00:20:23,057 Oh, yeah. 401 00:20:23,217 --> 00:20:25,457 She gets a little suicidal after we have sex. 402 00:20:26,497 --> 00:20:27,857 Yeah, yeah... 403 00:20:29,458 --> 00:20:32,377 Well, I'd better go pull her in. 404 00:20:36,657 --> 00:20:38,897 Ask if she's got a friend.