1 00:00:01,089 --> 00:00:03,889 Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear? 2 00:00:04,049 --> 00:00:05,889 Like I do everything else around here: 3 00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:08,769 With a song on my lips and love in my heart. 4 00:00:10,408 --> 00:00:11,689 I'm serious. 5 00:00:11,849 --> 00:00:14,289 I got a rash in my, you know, private area. 6 00:00:15,409 --> 00:00:18,849 Private? You get more traffic you're gonna have to open a Starbucks. 7 00:00:21,569 --> 00:00:23,568 I thought maybe you'd changed laundry soap... 8 00:00:23,729 --> 00:00:26,089 ...because it's all red and itchy, especially around... 9 00:00:26,249 --> 00:00:27,489 Excuse me. 10 00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:31,969 I'm sitting here eating a breakfast sausage. 11 00:00:33,609 --> 00:00:36,089 It's not a sausage problem. 12 00:00:36,249 --> 00:00:38,049 It's more in the meatball area. 13 00:00:41,489 --> 00:00:44,528 Kind of meatball adjacent. 14 00:00:45,329 --> 00:00:46,569 I bet it's swamp ass. 15 00:00:48,329 --> 00:00:49,409 What's swamp ass? 16 00:00:49,569 --> 00:00:52,208 Don't worry, you'd know if you had swamp ass. 17 00:00:52,368 --> 00:00:54,649 Man, I hate swamp ass. 18 00:00:55,169 --> 00:00:57,848 - You sure it's just a rash? - What else could it be? 19 00:00:58,008 --> 00:00:59,689 Since we're talking about your area... 20 00:00:59,849 --> 00:01:02,849 ...it could be anything from Ebola to mad cow disease. 21 00:01:03,409 --> 00:01:04,929 You get Ebola from monkeys, right? 22 00:01:05,088 --> 00:01:06,129 Right. 23 00:01:06,969 --> 00:01:08,248 It's just a rash. 24 00:01:09,809 --> 00:01:13,328 A kid at school got swamp ass. Cats followed him around for a year. 25 00:01:14,489 --> 00:01:18,449 - You know what? Let's forget about it. - Oh, if only we could. 26 00:01:18,609 --> 00:01:20,929 Speaking of school, we've got a big day ahead of us. 27 00:01:21,089 --> 00:01:22,849 Gotta go shopping for supplies, clothes. 28 00:01:23,449 --> 00:01:25,008 Nice segue, Dad. 29 00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:28,209 Well, the subject was crying out for change. 30 00:01:28,369 --> 00:01:30,969 You're starting a new school. You're gonna need new stuff. 31 00:01:31,129 --> 00:01:34,448 Wait a sec. Melon Head made it into junior high? 32 00:01:34,608 --> 00:01:37,728 - Yes. - So you passed summer school? 33 00:01:37,888 --> 00:01:40,289 - Sort of. - What do you mean "sort of"? 34 00:01:40,449 --> 00:01:43,329 They said it was in everyone's best interest if I moved on. 35 00:01:45,209 --> 00:01:46,209 What's that mean? 36 00:01:46,368 --> 00:01:48,168 Promoted him. He's starting junior high. 37 00:01:48,328 --> 00:01:51,608 And there's absolutely nothing to be gained in asking how or why. 38 00:01:52,769 --> 00:01:54,928 Okay, well, whatever. I'm proud of you, man. 39 00:01:55,408 --> 00:01:56,889 - For what? - I don't know... 40 00:01:57,049 --> 00:01:59,248 ...hanging in there till they were sick of you. 41 00:01:59,408 --> 00:02:00,928 Thanks. 42 00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:04,449 So junior high, huh? 43 00:02:04,608 --> 00:02:06,769 Boy, that brings back some memories, doesn't it? 44 00:02:07,729 --> 00:02:09,408 Can we please not go down that road? 45 00:02:09,568 --> 00:02:10,609 What happened? 46 00:02:10,768 --> 00:02:14,488 Nothing. It's just that kids in junior high can be a little judgmental. 47 00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:16,769 Especially if you're knocked up. 48 00:02:21,009 --> 00:02:22,608 Thank you, Berta. 49 00:02:22,768 --> 00:02:24,648 Of course, on the upside... 50 00:02:24,808 --> 00:02:27,648 ...the pregnant chicks didn't have to go to gym. 51 00:02:27,808 --> 00:02:32,448 Did the guys who got them pregnant get considerations? No, not even a hall pass. 52 00:02:33,649 --> 00:02:35,009 Are we quite done? 53 00:02:36,608 --> 00:02:37,889 Things will go great for you. 54 00:02:38,049 --> 00:02:40,448 - You just have to remember a few things. - Like what? 55 00:02:40,609 --> 00:02:42,928 Well, always keep your lunch money in your shoe... 56 00:02:43,089 --> 00:02:45,088 ...but have some spare change in your pocket. 57 00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:46,448 - How come? - Decoy money. 58 00:02:46,608 --> 00:02:48,928 They won't stop hitting you till they get something. 59 00:02:50,168 --> 00:02:51,169 Who are "they"? 60 00:02:51,329 --> 00:02:54,288 The kids holding your ankles, plunging your head in the toilet. 61 00:02:55,808 --> 00:02:57,249 Plunging my head in the toilet? 62 00:02:57,408 --> 00:03:00,529 Don't freak the kid out, Alan. 63 00:03:00,688 --> 00:03:03,249 It's not so much plunging as dipping. 64 00:03:04,448 --> 00:03:05,729 Here's what you do: 65 00:03:05,889 --> 00:03:08,889 Make friends with the janitor. They usually have their own bathroom. 66 00:03:10,168 --> 00:03:12,888 - Okay. - Just never drink out of his Thermos. 67 00:03:14,128 --> 00:03:15,128 All right. 68 00:03:15,288 --> 00:03:17,048 And don't believe he loves you. 69 00:03:20,529 --> 00:03:23,088 Damn it, I miss that one-eyed son of a bitch. 70 00:03:27,129 --> 00:03:29,088 And if you have to shower after gym class... 71 00:03:29,248 --> 00:03:31,768 ...there is no shame in keeping your jockey shorts on. 72 00:03:32,808 --> 00:03:34,529 - Really? - Okay, there's a little shame. 73 00:03:36,288 --> 00:03:39,408 The important thing is the fellas won't be calling you Shrinky Dink. 74 00:03:41,408 --> 00:03:44,529 - Shrinky Dink? - I'm a grower, not a shower. 75 00:03:46,928 --> 00:03:48,848 Oh, I almost forgot. 76 00:03:49,568 --> 00:03:52,008 I got you a little present. 77 00:03:52,168 --> 00:03:55,089 - Your very own cell phone. - Oh, cool. 78 00:03:55,249 --> 00:03:57,569 The important thing to remember is this is not a toy. 79 00:03:57,728 --> 00:04:01,328 - It's to use in emergencies only. - Emergencies? What emergencies? 80 00:04:01,488 --> 00:04:02,929 "Dad, come get me. 81 00:04:03,488 --> 00:04:06,848 I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet." 82 00:04:15,168 --> 00:04:16,928 That only happened once. 83 00:04:17,968 --> 00:04:20,928 If that dog hadn't found you, you'd have missed Thanksgiving. 84 00:04:22,488 --> 00:04:25,528 - Drug-sniffing dog? - There were no drugs. 85 00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:29,168 That's true. Turns out those dogs are also sensitive to urine. 86 00:04:31,048 --> 00:04:33,089 I was in there for five hours. 87 00:04:33,728 --> 00:04:35,168 Five hours? 88 00:04:35,648 --> 00:04:39,129 But you don't have to worry about that. You have a cell phone. 89 00:04:40,208 --> 00:04:43,488 Which you should hide where prisoners of war hid their watches. 90 00:04:44,648 --> 00:04:47,168 - Where was that? - Moving on. 91 00:04:47,328 --> 00:04:48,608 I've preprogrammed the phone: 92 00:04:48,768 --> 00:04:51,208 Speed dial one is me, two is the nurse's office... 93 00:04:51,368 --> 00:04:52,888 ...and three is the police. 94 00:04:53,888 --> 00:04:55,088 The police? What for? 95 00:04:55,248 --> 00:04:57,168 You'll know it when it happens. 96 00:04:57,328 --> 00:04:58,648 Now, about race riots... 97 00:04:58,808 --> 00:05:01,728 - Try not to take sides. - Anybody asks, you're mulatto. 98 00:05:31,849 --> 00:05:34,409 - How do they feel? - Okay, but they're ugly. 99 00:05:34,569 --> 00:05:36,249 They look like old-people shoes. 100 00:05:36,409 --> 00:05:38,729 They're not old-people shoes. They're walking shoes. 101 00:05:38,889 --> 00:05:42,649 Right, for people who've been walking for 85 years. 102 00:05:42,809 --> 00:05:44,969 I'd rather get these. These are cool. 103 00:05:45,129 --> 00:05:47,569 Listen, junior high is not about being cool. 104 00:05:47,729 --> 00:05:50,169 It's about not getting mugged for sneakers. 105 00:05:50,329 --> 00:05:52,489 I can get mugged for my sneakers? 106 00:05:52,649 --> 00:05:54,729 Not those sneakers. 107 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,249 Not unless you go by an assisted-living facility... 108 00:05:58,409 --> 00:05:59,769 ...in a rough neighborhood. 109 00:06:01,449 --> 00:06:02,449 What are you doing? 110 00:06:07,089 --> 00:06:09,889 I'm sorry. This rash is driving me crazy. 111 00:06:10,049 --> 00:06:11,729 I feel stupid in these. 112 00:06:11,889 --> 00:06:14,289 Better to feel stupid than to be tied to a flagpole... 113 00:06:14,449 --> 00:06:16,809 ...while upperclassmen use you as a spittoon. 114 00:06:16,969 --> 00:06:18,929 I don't wanna be tied to a flagpole. 115 00:06:19,089 --> 00:06:22,169 You won't be. Wear the ugly shoes and don't sit at the wrong table. 116 00:06:22,329 --> 00:06:25,289 Wrong table? How will I know if it's the wrong table? 117 00:06:25,449 --> 00:06:28,369 You'll be tied to a flagpole, right, Alan? 118 00:06:29,129 --> 00:06:32,049 That also only happened once. 119 00:06:33,009 --> 00:06:35,169 Let's just check the fit. 120 00:06:35,968 --> 00:06:37,529 Good. 121 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,209 Plenty of room for lunch money. 122 00:06:45,969 --> 00:06:47,768 How come all my clothes have to be beige? 123 00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:51,169 Because beige is not the color of any known gang. 124 00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:53,849 Right, instead of being mistaken for a Crip or a Blood... 125 00:06:54,009 --> 00:06:55,809 ...you'll be mistaken for a Band-Aid. 126 00:06:56,289 --> 00:06:58,689 Hey, Band-Aids are ouchless. 127 00:07:02,209 --> 00:07:03,929 Excuse me? Excuse me, there's a line. 128 00:07:04,449 --> 00:07:06,929 - Yeah, I just got a couple of things. - I can see that... 129 00:07:07,089 --> 00:07:09,009 ...but it's not based on quantity of items. 130 00:07:09,168 --> 00:07:12,009 It's more of a "we were here before you" kind of deal. 131 00:07:14,169 --> 00:07:16,008 You gonna make a thing out of this? 132 00:07:17,449 --> 00:07:20,489 There's no thing. Just playing by the rules. 133 00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:23,409 And wouldn't it be nice if everybody did the same? 134 00:07:24,009 --> 00:07:25,049 Hang on to this, slick. 135 00:07:26,729 --> 00:07:29,489 Now, you wanna explain those rules again, jughead? 136 00:07:31,528 --> 00:07:34,248 You know what? If you're in a hurry, why don't you go ahead? 137 00:07:34,849 --> 00:07:35,849 Thank you. 138 00:07:38,129 --> 00:07:39,809 What the hell are you doing? 139 00:07:42,009 --> 00:07:43,289 Nothing. Here. 140 00:07:48,489 --> 00:07:50,649 No, no, not chicken. Just good common sense. 141 00:07:50,809 --> 00:07:54,968 - Fighting accomplishes nothing. - Oh, I didn't know you were so French. 142 00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:57,689 - Hey. - Oh, hey, Julie. 143 00:07:59,368 --> 00:08:01,408 How do you know my wife? 144 00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:04,609 What? Oh, no, no, no, I don't know her. 145 00:08:05,049 --> 00:08:06,529 You said, "Hey, Julie." 146 00:08:07,009 --> 00:08:10,169 No, no, I sneezed. 147 00:08:14,168 --> 00:08:16,329 - Gesundheit. - Thank you. 148 00:08:16,928 --> 00:08:20,328 Oh, look, another cashier opened up. Let's go, let's go, let's go. 149 00:08:25,929 --> 00:08:28,089 But Mom said I could wait for the bus by myself. 150 00:08:28,249 --> 00:08:29,609 I know. 151 00:08:29,769 --> 00:08:31,969 I would really rather wait for the bus by myself. 152 00:08:32,128 --> 00:08:34,169 I just wanna make sure you get off okay. 153 00:08:34,328 --> 00:08:37,088 Yeah, but being walked to the bus stop by my dad and my uncle? 154 00:08:37,249 --> 00:08:38,889 I'm gonna look so lame. 155 00:08:39,049 --> 00:08:42,128 Jake, buddy, that ship has sailed. 156 00:08:48,289 --> 00:08:50,248 Please don't leave me. 157 00:08:51,048 --> 00:08:54,088 You're okay. Just don't make eye contact. 158 00:08:55,529 --> 00:08:58,728 Okay, when the bus comes, don't take a window seat. 159 00:08:58,888 --> 00:09:01,368 You don't wanna be trapped and get pummeled. 160 00:09:01,529 --> 00:09:03,329 - Pummeled? - And be polite to the driver. 161 00:09:03,489 --> 00:09:05,929 They tend to be damaged people with short fuses. 162 00:09:06,089 --> 00:09:08,129 - Fuses? - Don't distract him. 163 00:09:08,689 --> 00:09:09,929 There's no seat belts. 164 00:09:10,089 --> 00:09:12,809 One sharp turn, and you kids will be flying like lotto balls. 165 00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:14,889 Balls? 166 00:09:18,409 --> 00:09:20,329 Wait, wait, wait. 167 00:09:22,249 --> 00:09:24,368 - Smile. - About what? 168 00:09:24,528 --> 00:09:26,769 I need a current picture in case you go missing. 169 00:09:26,929 --> 00:09:30,089 Alan, you're being ridiculous. They never find those kids. 170 00:09:30,249 --> 00:09:32,088 Give me a profile. 171 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:36,529 Okay, now go make it a great day. 172 00:09:37,568 --> 00:09:38,609 Have fun. 173 00:09:55,209 --> 00:09:57,288 I just hope everything turns out all right. 174 00:09:57,448 --> 00:10:01,769 Well, we've done all we could. Now it's up to him. 175 00:10:12,457 --> 00:10:13,577 Okay. Okay. 176 00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:15,698 Tell the doctor that if I was a tree... 177 00:10:15,858 --> 00:10:19,698 ...the rash is predominantly around the mossy trunk area. 178 00:10:25,418 --> 00:10:29,298 But I'm starting to see some redness on the adjacent boulders. 179 00:10:30,857 --> 00:10:31,858 Oh, come on. 180 00:10:32,018 --> 00:10:34,657 Tree, two boulders, what part don't you understand? 181 00:10:36,018 --> 00:10:37,178 - Hey. - Hey. 182 00:10:37,338 --> 00:10:39,578 Okay, just have him call me. 183 00:10:39,737 --> 00:10:41,218 - Heard from Jake? - Nope. 184 00:10:41,377 --> 00:10:43,857 I'll call him at his mom's, see how school went. 185 00:10:44,017 --> 00:10:47,297 - Alan, does this look infected to you? - What? 186 00:10:47,857 --> 00:10:49,217 Get that away from me. 187 00:10:49,377 --> 00:10:51,697 I'm not asking you to tickle it. Just take a look. 188 00:10:51,858 --> 00:10:53,138 No, thank you. 189 00:10:53,298 --> 00:10:54,577 But you're a doctor. 190 00:10:54,738 --> 00:10:58,218 I'm a chiropractor. I work with vertebrae. 191 00:10:58,377 --> 00:11:02,257 And contrary to popular belief, there is not a single bone in the penis. 192 00:11:03,337 --> 00:11:05,058 Oh, hi, Judith. 193 00:11:06,097 --> 00:11:08,017 Nothing. I was just talking to Charlie. 194 00:11:08,178 --> 00:11:10,617 Hey, hey, is Jake home from school yet? 195 00:11:10,778 --> 00:11:12,058 No? 196 00:11:12,218 --> 00:11:14,418 Okay, I was just wondering how his first day went. 197 00:11:14,577 --> 00:11:18,098 Have him call me, okay? Thanks, bye-bye. 198 00:11:19,618 --> 00:11:21,857 Hope he didn't wander under bleachers during lunch. 199 00:11:22,017 --> 00:11:24,977 - He's smarter than that. - Smart? 200 00:11:25,137 --> 00:11:28,297 He only got out of sixth grade because he couldn't fit in the desks. 201 00:11:29,498 --> 00:11:31,818 If you're that concerned, just call him on his cell. 202 00:11:32,178 --> 00:11:33,777 Good idea. 203 00:11:48,778 --> 00:11:51,857 Jake? Jake, where are you? 204 00:11:53,777 --> 00:11:56,257 You're still on the bus. 205 00:11:59,378 --> 00:12:01,617 Funny, I don't hear the other kids. 206 00:12:01,777 --> 00:12:04,337 Oh, yeah, it was a tough day. Everybody's tired. 207 00:12:06,338 --> 00:12:07,338 No kidding. 208 00:12:09,137 --> 00:12:11,617 Dad, this phone is for emergencies only. 209 00:12:14,058 --> 00:12:15,538 Why aren't you at your mother's? 210 00:12:15,698 --> 00:12:18,578 I got off the bus at school, got on another bus and came here. 211 00:12:18,737 --> 00:12:21,978 - So you've never been to school today? - Of course not. 212 00:12:22,138 --> 00:12:26,177 I don't wanna be stuffed in a locker, tied to a flagpole or dunked in a toilet. 213 00:12:27,137 --> 00:12:29,138 Not dunked. Dipped. 214 00:12:29,938 --> 00:12:33,857 - And where are your new sneakers? - Oh, I sold them to the bus driver. 215 00:12:40,977 --> 00:12:42,657 Charlie, can I talk to you a minute? 216 00:12:44,058 --> 00:12:46,698 - Are those my comics? - Charlie. 217 00:12:47,778 --> 00:12:50,658 They're near mint and he wipes his boogers all over them. 218 00:12:51,377 --> 00:12:53,177 He was here all day and you didn't know? 219 00:12:53,337 --> 00:12:55,817 Hey, I've got a rash. 220 00:12:57,697 --> 00:13:00,337 I can't believe he cut school on his first day. 221 00:13:00,497 --> 00:13:02,417 When you think about it, it's pretty smart. 222 00:13:02,578 --> 00:13:05,377 As far as the school is concerned, he might just be a typo. 223 00:13:06,497 --> 00:13:08,657 Charlie, the question is why did he cut school? 224 00:13:08,817 --> 00:13:09,978 Oh, that's easy. 225 00:13:10,138 --> 00:13:13,217 You scared the crap out of him and dressed him like an ace bandage. 226 00:13:13,377 --> 00:13:15,377 Hey, hey, I was just trying to prepare him. 227 00:13:15,537 --> 00:13:17,777 For what? A life of running and hiding? 228 00:13:17,938 --> 00:13:19,338 No, no, a life of blending in. 229 00:13:19,497 --> 00:13:21,297 Only if they see you, running and hiding. 230 00:13:22,738 --> 00:13:25,457 Face it, Alan. When the lord was handing out courage... 231 00:13:25,618 --> 00:13:28,137 ...you were crouched in a locker, peeing on your socks. 232 00:13:29,618 --> 00:13:34,857 Okay, first of all, I had had three Mr. Pibb's at lunch. 233 00:13:35,017 --> 00:13:36,817 And secondly, I am not a coward. 234 00:13:36,977 --> 00:13:39,697 Come on. I've seen steelier nerves from a cat on the freeway. 235 00:13:40,497 --> 00:13:41,938 That's ridiculous. 236 00:13:43,058 --> 00:13:44,897 Dingo. 237 00:13:45,697 --> 00:13:49,257 Okay, I was not ready and that was not fair. And what about you? 238 00:13:50,017 --> 00:13:52,017 - What about me? - You're afraid of everything. 239 00:13:52,177 --> 00:13:54,657 - Like what? - Well, let's see. 240 00:13:54,817 --> 00:13:56,817 Germs, change, opening your eyes underwater... 241 00:13:56,977 --> 00:14:00,297 ...angry husbands, angry ex-girlfriends, large birds, spiders and Mom. 242 00:14:01,337 --> 00:14:02,537 Hold on. 243 00:14:02,697 --> 00:14:04,457 Hold on a sec. 244 00:14:04,617 --> 00:14:07,977 I am not afraid to open my eyes underwater, I'm just sensitive to chlorine. 245 00:14:08,537 --> 00:14:10,177 - Right. - And for the record... 246 00:14:10,338 --> 00:14:11,937 ...it's just when birds get indoors. 247 00:14:12,097 --> 00:14:13,937 In the sky, I got no problem. 248 00:14:14,617 --> 00:14:16,498 Fine, fine. Live in denial. 249 00:14:16,658 --> 00:14:18,337 I'm gonna straighten my kid out. 250 00:14:19,337 --> 00:14:23,098 And what sane person is not afraid of spiders? 251 00:14:25,937 --> 00:14:28,737 What I'm trying to say is that it was wrong to fill your head... 252 00:14:28,897 --> 00:14:31,337 ...with a lot of horrible things to avoid at school. 253 00:14:31,497 --> 00:14:33,658 Because the truth is you can't avoid any of them. 254 00:14:33,817 --> 00:14:34,817 Charlie. 255 00:14:34,977 --> 00:14:36,658 You don't want him living in fear. 256 00:14:36,817 --> 00:14:39,457 - Well, yeah, but I was... - Well, scary things happen in life. 257 00:14:39,617 --> 00:14:41,377 - He can hide like you... - Like us. 258 00:14:41,537 --> 00:14:43,697 Don't nitpick. 259 00:14:43,857 --> 00:14:46,138 Or you can stand up to them. 260 00:14:46,297 --> 00:14:48,377 I mean, look, getting hit in the face hurts. 261 00:14:48,537 --> 00:14:51,338 - But you know what hurts more? - A kick in the crotch? 262 00:14:54,337 --> 00:14:55,937 Well, yeah, sure. 263 00:14:56,097 --> 00:14:59,617 I took a soccer ball to the nads once, thought my eyes were gonna pop out. 264 00:15:05,577 --> 00:15:08,577 Yeah, but that pain passes. 265 00:15:08,737 --> 00:15:10,897 What hurts more and lasts longer than anything... 266 00:15:11,057 --> 00:15:12,897 ...is the humiliation of running away. 267 00:15:13,057 --> 00:15:15,057 I couldn't ride my bike for a week. 268 00:15:16,257 --> 00:15:18,377 Jake, I think you're missing the point. 269 00:15:18,537 --> 00:15:21,817 Makes you wonder what they're doing hanging down there in the first place. 270 00:15:23,017 --> 00:15:25,537 No, what I think Uncle Charlie is trying to say... 271 00:15:25,697 --> 00:15:29,097 ...is that, yeah, you might get hit, you might get stuffed in a locker... 272 00:15:29,257 --> 00:15:31,857 ...but you know what? You'll survive. 273 00:15:32,017 --> 00:15:35,057 You may get bruised, you may bleed, you may lose a few teeth... 274 00:15:35,217 --> 00:15:38,137 ...but you'll have your self-respect. 275 00:15:38,297 --> 00:15:41,217 - Exactly. - How do you stop being afraid? 276 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:45,217 Well, I drink. 277 00:15:53,897 --> 00:15:56,457 But I didn't start till ninth grade. 278 00:16:02,177 --> 00:16:05,657 Yeah, Judith. He was at Charlie's the whole time. 279 00:16:05,817 --> 00:16:09,617 Well, he said he was too scared to go to school. 280 00:16:11,857 --> 00:16:14,657 How should I know why he's so scared? 281 00:16:14,817 --> 00:16:17,497 Maybe you're overprotective. 282 00:16:17,657 --> 00:16:18,697 Good one. 283 00:16:20,657 --> 00:16:22,817 I know you mean well. 284 00:16:22,977 --> 00:16:25,017 Oh, all right. We'll be there in a few minutes. 285 00:16:25,177 --> 00:16:27,377 Okay. Bye-bye. 286 00:16:27,537 --> 00:16:29,457 - Did you hear that? - Yeah, it's Mom's fault. 287 00:16:29,617 --> 00:16:31,257 Attaboy. 288 00:16:34,617 --> 00:16:37,577 Come on, it's green. Let's go. 289 00:16:41,057 --> 00:16:43,537 What's the matter with this guy? 290 00:16:46,977 --> 00:16:49,097 Looks like he's coming to tell you. 291 00:16:50,857 --> 00:16:53,017 Lock your doors. Lock your doors. 292 00:16:54,377 --> 00:16:57,777 Wait, no, no, wait. I am tired of running and hiding. 293 00:16:57,937 --> 00:17:00,177 - Are you tired of running and hiding? - Yes, I am. 294 00:17:00,657 --> 00:17:03,577 Remember, Jake, courage is not the absence of fear... 295 00:17:03,737 --> 00:17:05,857 ...it's taking action despite fear. 296 00:17:06,016 --> 00:17:08,097 That's very true. 297 00:17:11,737 --> 00:17:14,097 - Let's do this. - Right behind you. 298 00:17:21,217 --> 00:17:23,296 Two against one wouldn't be fair. 299 00:17:26,577 --> 00:17:31,137 Now, that's courage. Aren't you proud of him? 300 00:17:31,297 --> 00:17:32,777 You got your cell phone? 301 00:17:32,937 --> 00:17:34,657 It's only for emergencies. 302 00:17:36,857 --> 00:17:38,857 Help me. 303 00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:42,337 I think this qualifies. 304 00:17:44,017 --> 00:17:46,336 Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. 305 00:17:51,097 --> 00:17:53,817 - Hello? - Hi. 306 00:17:55,417 --> 00:17:57,937 Charlie. Charlie. 307 00:18:06,723 --> 00:18:09,443 You are a bad brother. 308 00:18:09,603 --> 00:18:11,083 I really thought you had him. 309 00:18:12,483 --> 00:18:15,562 Mr. Harper, try not to sneeze. You'll blow those stitches right out. 310 00:18:15,722 --> 00:18:17,283 Thank you, doctor. 311 00:18:17,442 --> 00:18:20,843 Hey, doc, while I got you here, let me show you something. 312 00:18:22,763 --> 00:18:25,562 Oh, my goodness. Your little jimmy's all crimson. 313 00:18:25,722 --> 00:18:26,842 Yeah. 314 00:18:27,003 --> 00:18:28,002 So, what do you think? 315 00:18:28,523 --> 00:18:31,162 Well, it looks like an allergic reaction. 316 00:18:31,322 --> 00:18:33,482 You been applying anything to your genital region? 317 00:18:34,082 --> 00:18:35,762 The usual, waitresses and actresses. 318 00:18:36,562 --> 00:18:38,882 Oh, wait, wait. Does Grecian Formula count? 319 00:18:39,042 --> 00:18:40,362 Grecian Formula? 320 00:18:40,522 --> 00:18:42,522 You tried to get gray out of your pubic hair? 321 00:18:43,362 --> 00:18:45,322 I wanted to leave silver around the sides. 322 00:18:45,482 --> 00:18:47,642 You know, look distinguished. 323 00:18:47,802 --> 00:18:50,522 Distinguished? That's interesting. 324 00:18:50,682 --> 00:18:52,803 We have a saying in my country: 325 00:18:52,962 --> 00:18:57,922 "You can put a tuxedo on a goat, but it's still a goat." 326 00:18:58,082 --> 00:19:00,562 Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country too: 327 00:19:00,722 --> 00:19:03,042 "Help me, my balls are on fire." 328 00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:06,482 Fair enough. I'll get you some salve. 329 00:19:09,123 --> 00:19:12,362 How about that? Allergic reaction. Nothing to be scared of. 330 00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:16,803 All's well that ends well, right? 331 00:19:18,242 --> 00:19:20,002 What did they give you for the pain? 332 00:19:20,802 --> 00:19:23,202 You lucky bastard. 333 00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:25,802 I wish my balls hurt more.