1 00:00:04,366 --> 00:00:05,698 Oh, oh, that is so true. 2 00:00:05,699 --> 00:00:09,493 I know exactly what you mean. Oh, hang on, I'll get you an ashtray. 3 00:00:09,494 --> 00:00:12,702 - Oh, hey, Charlie. - Hey, what's going on? 4 00:00:12,703 --> 00:00:15,871 Oh, I have a friend over from my single-parent support group. 5 00:00:15,872 --> 00:00:20,979 Oh, yeah, unattached moms. I gotta check out that group. 6 00:00:21,249 --> 00:00:26,502 - But you don't have a kid. - Are they really strict about that? 7 00:00:26,503 --> 00:00:31,463 Because at the dog park, you show up with a leash and say, "That's him by the tree." 8 00:00:31,464 --> 00:00:34,839 It's a single-parent group. You need to be a single parent. 9 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:38,300 Seems a little prejudiced if you ask me. 10 00:00:38,301 --> 00:00:41,968 Hey, Alan, can I use your bathroom, or should I just pee off the deck? 11 00:00:41,969 --> 00:00:43,802 Heh, it's right down the hall. 12 00:00:43,803 --> 00:00:46,679 Oh, uh, Greg, uh, this is my brother, Charlie. Charlie, Greg. 13 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,096 - Hey. - Hey, nice place. 14 00:00:48,097 --> 00:00:50,596 Thanks. 15 00:00:51,475 --> 00:00:54,183 She's a little butch for you, isn't she? 16 00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:57,644 Greg is a divorced dad. He's got a daughter around Jake's age. 17 00:00:57,645 --> 00:01:00,354 Well, you can understand my confusion. 18 00:01:00,355 --> 00:01:02,563 You think I joined a group to pick up women? 19 00:01:02,564 --> 00:01:07,565 No, I think you joined a support group because you're a whiny little wuss. 20 00:01:07,566 --> 00:01:11,443 But as long as you're there, you might as well nail a few. 21 00:01:11,444 --> 00:01:14,903 - Sex is not what the group's about. - Oh, grow up. 22 00:01:14,904 --> 00:01:18,071 You put single men and women on chairs in a church basement... 23 00:01:18,072 --> 00:01:21,573 ...they're gonna start mounting each other. 24 00:01:21,574 --> 00:01:25,325 The depths of your degeneracy continue to astound me. 25 00:01:25,326 --> 00:01:27,825 Really? Still? 26 00:01:28,077 --> 00:01:32,037 So, Charlie, I'm guessing by the stack of racing forms next to the can... 27 00:01:32,038 --> 00:01:34,204 - ...you bet the ponies. - Hey, I'd bet on rabbits... 28 00:01:34,205 --> 00:01:37,354 ...if you could get them organized. 29 00:01:37,416 --> 00:01:40,416 Is there a story behind that riding crop hanging on the wall? 30 00:01:40,417 --> 00:01:44,335 Oh, yeah, that's a souvenir from a wonderful weekend in Louisville, Kentucky. 31 00:01:44,336 --> 00:01:49,254 - Oh, you went to the Derby? - No, it was a Hilton by the airport. 32 00:01:49,255 --> 00:01:53,299 - How about you? Do you hit the track? - It's actually my second-biggest expense... 33 00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:58,301 - ...after alimony. - So all your money goes to the nags, huh? 34 00:01:58,302 --> 00:02:01,981 - Hey, your brother's funny. - At first. 35 00:02:02,263 --> 00:02:04,263 I'll get us some more beers. 36 00:02:04,264 --> 00:02:06,598 Charlie, you smoke cigars? 37 00:02:06,599 --> 00:02:10,827 I'd smoke rabbits if you could keep them lit. 38 00:02:12,768 --> 00:02:17,229 - So divorced dad, huh? - Yep. 39 00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:20,396 - How long were you married? - Sixteen years. 40 00:02:20,397 --> 00:02:21,731 Whoa. 41 00:02:21,732 --> 00:02:25,680 What ended it? Cheating? Drinking? Gambling? 42 00:02:26,109 --> 00:02:28,608 Gay. 43 00:02:29,610 --> 00:02:33,445 - Oh, her? - No. 44 00:02:37,615 --> 00:02:40,113 Ah, ahem. 45 00:02:41,409 --> 00:02:46,197 So, what, you didn't wanna try drinking or gambling? 46 00:02:53,456 --> 00:02:55,748 So, what about you, Charlie? Ever been married? 47 00:02:55,749 --> 00:02:59,209 Ha, are you kidding? My brother is definitely not the marrying kind. 48 00:02:59,210 --> 00:03:04,217 - Oh? Confirmed bachelor. - No, no, nothing's confirmed. 49 00:03:04,671 --> 00:03:07,422 I mean, I just think variety is the spice of life. 50 00:03:07,423 --> 00:03:11,257 And as far as spices go, some people like salt, some people like pepper... 51 00:03:11,258 --> 00:03:16,736 ...some people like salt and pepper. Me, I like women. Ahem. 52 00:03:18,095 --> 00:03:20,345 Me too. Some of my best friends are women. 53 00:03:20,346 --> 00:03:23,347 No, no, don't- Don't misunderstand. 54 00:03:23,348 --> 00:03:25,265 None of my friends are women. 55 00:03:25,266 --> 00:03:28,142 - Oh, I see. - No, you don't. 56 00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:31,601 Oh, damn. I have to take a rain check on that beer. I gotta get going. 57 00:03:31,602 --> 00:03:33,811 Oh, oh, okay. Uh, we still on for Sunday? 58 00:03:33,812 --> 00:03:36,104 Looking forward to it. Really nice meeting you. 59 00:03:36,105 --> 00:03:38,980 - I'll see you at the track sometime. - You never know. 60 00:03:38,981 --> 00:03:41,773 - Santa Anita or Hollywood Park? - Which one do you like? 61 00:03:41,774 --> 00:03:45,150 - Oh, I'll go either way. - Apparently. 62 00:03:45,151 --> 00:03:47,443 Oh, he's bad. 63 00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:49,943 You have no idea. 64 00:03:50,196 --> 00:03:52,530 - Okay, so I'll see you Sunday. - Bye-bye. 65 00:03:52,531 --> 00:03:53,780 Adios. 66 00:03:53,781 --> 00:03:57,489 - Great guy, huh? - Yeah, yeah, terrific. 67 00:03:57,533 --> 00:04:01,617 - How much do you know about him? - Well, I know he's a successful architect... 68 00:04:01,618 --> 00:04:06,453 ...his daughter's a soccer player, he's gay, he has a boat, he went to UC Berkeley- 69 00:04:06,454 --> 00:04:09,121 Okay, okay, back up a little. 70 00:04:09,122 --> 00:04:12,956 Oh, it's a sailboat. Well, it's more of a sloop. He's- 71 00:04:12,957 --> 00:04:16,334 - He's taking me and Jake out on Sunday. - No, no, no, one more. 72 00:04:16,335 --> 00:04:19,126 What? He's gay? What about it? 73 00:04:19,127 --> 00:04:22,616 Nothing, I'm just looking out for you. 74 00:04:23,214 --> 00:04:26,047 I mean, does he wanna take you sailing, or does he wanna take you... 75 00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:28,547 ...sailing? 76 00:04:32,468 --> 00:04:34,801 Don't be silly. He knows I'm not gay. 77 00:04:34,802 --> 00:04:36,802 Are you sure? 78 00:04:36,803 --> 00:04:39,971 For 16 years, he didn't know he was gay. 79 00:04:39,972 --> 00:04:43,932 You don't believe two men can be friends, just because one of them is gay? 80 00:04:43,933 --> 00:04:46,809 It has nothing to do with gay. 81 00:04:46,976 --> 00:04:51,102 Imagine he were a straight guy and you were an attractive young woman. 82 00:04:51,103 --> 00:04:55,772 - Do you think you could just be friends? - How attractive? 83 00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:57,147 What? 84 00:04:57,148 --> 00:05:01,357 I mean, uh, you know, am I kind of cute in a tomboy sort of way... 85 00:05:01,358 --> 00:05:04,847 ...or am I smoking hot and working it? 86 00:05:08,237 --> 00:05:11,531 Okay, okay, let's start again. 87 00:05:12,198 --> 00:05:15,658 Imagine you were a straight guy. 88 00:05:17,659 --> 00:05:20,648 - And...? - No "and." That's it. 89 00:05:26,247 --> 00:05:29,206 Berta, how long have you been working for me? 90 00:05:29,207 --> 00:05:31,706 Define "working." 91 00:05:32,334 --> 00:05:35,903 What kind of hair conditioner do I use? 92 00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:38,418 I quit. 93 00:05:40,088 --> 00:05:44,673 I use a wash-out conditioner, then blow-dry with a dab of styling gel. 94 00:05:44,674 --> 00:05:47,299 But you got me a leave-in conditioner. 95 00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:49,550 Why would you get leave-in conditioner? 96 00:05:49,551 --> 00:05:51,260 - The truth? - Please. 97 00:05:51,261 --> 00:05:54,178 It came with a free Lady Schick. 98 00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:56,345 Berta, my hair is important to me. 99 00:05:56,346 --> 00:05:59,055 All right, don't get your panties in a bunch. 100 00:05:59,056 --> 00:06:00,890 What is that supposed to mean? 101 00:06:00,891 --> 00:06:02,890 It means don't get so agitated... 102 00:06:02,891 --> 00:06:08,227 ...that your undergarments become entangled within your crack. 103 00:06:08,228 --> 00:06:11,895 Hey, hey, hey. I am not agitated, I just like having extra body without... 104 00:06:11,896 --> 00:06:14,648 ...you know, stiffness. 105 00:06:19,484 --> 00:06:23,902 Okay, why don't you guys hang outside while we throw together some lunch? 106 00:06:23,903 --> 00:06:25,695 Okay. Come on, Sophie. 107 00:06:25,696 --> 00:06:28,363 - This is a cool house. - Yeah, it's my weekend place. 108 00:06:28,364 --> 00:06:31,115 I have a second home in the Valley. 109 00:06:31,116 --> 00:06:34,366 - I think they like each other. - Oh, Jake is smitten. 110 00:06:34,367 --> 00:06:39,953 I usually only see that look on his face when we go to the pancake house. 111 00:06:39,954 --> 00:06:41,287 - Hey. - Hi, Charlie. 112 00:06:41,288 --> 00:06:44,205 - Hey, how'd the sailing go? - Oh, great. Perfect weather. 113 00:06:44,206 --> 00:06:47,748 - Here, I, uh, brought you a present. - Really? 114 00:06:47,749 --> 00:06:51,417 Yeah, it's one of those Cuban fellas you like puffing on. 115 00:06:51,418 --> 00:06:56,366 - That's very sweet, thank you. - You're very welcome. 116 00:06:57,797 --> 00:07:00,422 Did you do something different with your hair? Looks nice. 117 00:07:00,423 --> 00:07:02,922 Don't get me started. 118 00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:07,801 So when did you find out about your dad? 119 00:07:07,802 --> 00:07:09,885 - Find out what? - That he's gay. 120 00:07:09,886 --> 00:07:11,219 My dad's not gay. 121 00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:13,387 You sure? My dad is. 122 00:07:13,388 --> 00:07:15,973 - No kidding? - Yep. 123 00:07:16,890 --> 00:07:19,140 You smell like strawberries. 124 00:07:19,141 --> 00:07:20,683 It's my lip gloss. 125 00:07:20,684 --> 00:07:22,809 Cool. Does it taste like it smells? 126 00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:25,509 - You wanna find out? - Sure. 127 00:07:30,064 --> 00:07:32,563 Mm. 128 00:07:38,193 --> 00:07:41,236 Can we watch a soccer game instead of basketball? 129 00:07:41,237 --> 00:07:43,654 What are you, nuts? 130 00:07:43,655 --> 00:07:46,280 Sophie says soccer's the most popular sport in the world. 131 00:07:46,281 --> 00:07:50,269 Well, then they don't need us to watch it. 132 00:07:52,992 --> 00:07:55,077 You know what would be a good idea? 133 00:07:55,078 --> 00:07:58,120 Maple-syrup lip gloss. 134 00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:03,790 Your mom will be here any minute. 135 00:08:03,791 --> 00:08:05,749 - I told you to get ready. - I'm ready. 136 00:08:05,750 --> 00:08:08,416 - Did you do your homework? - No. 137 00:08:08,417 --> 00:08:10,668 Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done. 138 00:08:10,669 --> 00:08:13,868 Well, next time you'll know better. 139 00:08:22,884 --> 00:08:27,962 I think Jake has a thing for your boyfriend's daughter. 140 00:08:28,428 --> 00:08:30,512 He's not my boyfriend. We're friends. 141 00:08:30,513 --> 00:08:32,430 Friends, huh? 142 00:08:32,431 --> 00:08:35,765 Alan, when an intelligent, successful, attractive man... 143 00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:38,308 ...wants to be friends with you... 144 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:40,808 ...something is amiss. 145 00:08:41,102 --> 00:08:45,062 Excuse me, but if Greg were to be interested in anybody around here... 146 00:08:45,063 --> 00:08:46,771 ...it would be you. 147 00:08:46,772 --> 00:08:49,271 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 148 00:08:50,607 --> 00:08:52,607 - What are you talking about? - Heh. 149 00:08:52,608 --> 00:08:58,861 Come on, Charlie, you got to admit you put out a special kind of vibe. 150 00:08:58,862 --> 00:09:00,487 You don't mean special, you mean: 151 00:09:00,488 --> 00:09:02,987 Special. 152 00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:06,406 And I don't. 153 00:09:06,407 --> 00:09:09,408 You're 40 years old, you've never been married... 154 00:09:09,409 --> 00:09:12,492 ...you play the piano, you're meticulous about your appearance- 155 00:09:12,493 --> 00:09:18,580 Hey, hey, hey, I've got a riding crop in my bathroom that never touched a horse. 156 00:09:18,581 --> 00:09:21,331 Your bathroom also has two kinds of skin moisturizer... 157 00:09:21,332 --> 00:09:25,459 ...various hair gels, colognes, powders and emollients. 158 00:09:25,460 --> 00:09:27,293 I only have one moisturizer. 159 00:09:27,294 --> 00:09:30,294 The other one is a sun block with moisturizer. 160 00:09:30,295 --> 00:09:32,962 Ah, right, you need that sun block... 161 00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:36,756 ...for when you lean out the front door to get the paper. 162 00:09:36,757 --> 00:09:39,090 There's no shade out there in the morning, Alan. 163 00:09:39,091 --> 00:09:40,467 Uh-huh. 164 00:09:40,468 --> 00:09:44,635 Excuse me for not wanting to spend my 50s looking like a catcher's mitt. 165 00:09:44,636 --> 00:09:51,633 All right, all right, let's, uh, scoot away from the Clinique counter for a minute... 166 00:09:52,599 --> 00:09:55,808 ...and, uh, discuss some of the people you've attracted. 167 00:09:55,809 --> 00:09:58,642 Okay. You're thinking about that time at the House of Blues... 168 00:09:58,643 --> 00:10:02,186 ...and there's no way I could've known that was a guy. 169 00:10:02,187 --> 00:10:06,255 He was 6'2" and could palm a medicine ball. 170 00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:11,487 I was drunk, he was tucked, taped and gorgeous. 171 00:10:12,693 --> 00:10:16,791 Charlie, you brought home a dude in a dress. 172 00:10:17,070 --> 00:10:19,821 A dude who wanted to be a woman... 173 00:10:19,822 --> 00:10:23,823 ...which means he was looking for a straight man, which is me. 174 00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:30,821 Rationalize it any way you want, but he still sends you flowers on Valentine's Day. 175 00:10:31,786 --> 00:10:34,615 Only because I was a gentleman. 176 00:10:36,205 --> 00:10:38,998 - So how was your weekend? - It was okay. 177 00:10:38,999 --> 00:10:41,708 - We went sailing. - Oh, how nice. 178 00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:44,460 - What else? - Nothing. 179 00:10:49,379 --> 00:10:52,388 Oh, yeah, I think Dad's gay now. 180 00:10:53,006 --> 00:10:55,591 That was a red light, Mom. 181 00:10:58,634 --> 00:11:01,009 So, Charlie, I haven't seen you in a while. 182 00:11:01,010 --> 00:11:02,802 What's up? 183 00:11:02,803 --> 00:11:06,513 Why does something have to be up? Can't I just drop by and say hello? 184 00:11:06,514 --> 00:11:10,640 For $350 an hour, you can say anything you want. 185 00:11:10,641 --> 00:11:14,350 Okay, well, there is something that's been kind of gnawing at me. 186 00:11:14,351 --> 00:11:15,685 Mm-hm. 187 00:11:15,686 --> 00:11:18,018 Well, this friend of mine- 188 00:11:18,019 --> 00:11:20,518 Your friend? 189 00:11:21,689 --> 00:11:23,814 Yeah, a friend. 190 00:11:23,815 --> 00:11:25,898 It's your money, Charlie. 191 00:11:25,899 --> 00:11:28,398 Okay. Okay. 192 00:11:28,984 --> 00:11:33,981 Is it possible that I could be gay without knowing it? 193 00:11:35,154 --> 00:11:36,612 Why do you ask? 194 00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:39,280 Well, my brother's got this friend- 195 00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:42,324 We're talking $7 a minute. 196 00:11:42,491 --> 00:11:45,325 No, no, no, this friend's real. 197 00:11:45,326 --> 00:11:49,744 He's gay, and apparently I triggered his gaydar. 198 00:11:50,371 --> 00:11:53,788 - Well, I can understand that. - You can? 199 00:11:53,789 --> 00:11:56,288 You can? 200 00:11:56,916 --> 00:12:00,708 Let me ask you something, Charlie. Have you ever had sex with a man? 201 00:12:00,709 --> 00:12:03,378 No. No. Absolutely not. 202 00:12:10,006 --> 00:12:16,323 All right, I copped a feel once, but I was drunk and he had breasts. 203 00:12:21,137 --> 00:12:25,635 - Hey, is Jake ready? - Jake, your father's here. 204 00:12:25,681 --> 00:12:28,430 - He'll be right out. - Good. 205 00:12:30,434 --> 00:12:32,184 So, uh, how've you been? 206 00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,684 - Good. And you? - Good. 207 00:12:37,604 --> 00:12:40,772 Oh, come here. I am so proud of you. 208 00:12:40,773 --> 00:12:42,939 Thanks. What did I do? 209 00:12:42,940 --> 00:12:44,899 Alan, you don't have to hide anymore. 210 00:12:44,900 --> 00:12:49,526 Jake told me about you and Greg. I want you to know I completely support you. 211 00:12:49,527 --> 00:12:53,195 - Oh, gee, Judith, um- - Is that him in the car? Gee, he's cute. 212 00:12:53,196 --> 00:12:57,781 Hello. That must be his daughter. I can see why Jake has a crush on her. 213 00:12:57,782 --> 00:13:00,741 - Yeah, we're taking them to the movies- - This makes so much sense. 214 00:13:00,742 --> 00:13:03,451 I can't believe I didn't see this when we were married. 215 00:13:03,452 --> 00:13:05,285 - See what? - Oh, come on, Alan. 216 00:13:05,286 --> 00:13:11,204 You picking out my clothes, your neat fetish, the show tunes, the sex. 217 00:13:11,205 --> 00:13:13,581 - There was no sex. - Exactly. 218 00:13:13,582 --> 00:13:17,416 All those years you were so miserable, and look at you now. You're glowing. 219 00:13:17,417 --> 00:13:22,544 No, wait. Hang on a second. The reason that there was no... 220 00:13:22,545 --> 00:13:24,587 - Really, I'm glowing? - Well, yeah. 221 00:13:24,588 --> 00:13:28,547 To think, all this time I've been blaming myself because the marriage didn't work. 222 00:13:28,548 --> 00:13:31,090 No, I'm pretty sure you've been blaming me. 223 00:13:31,091 --> 00:13:36,385 It was nobody's fault, Alan. I'm just glad you've finally accepted who you really are. 224 00:13:36,386 --> 00:13:38,428 Hey, Dad. - Hey, buddy. 225 00:13:38,429 --> 00:13:40,137 Hey, Sophie. 226 00:13:40,138 --> 00:13:42,889 You boys are so cute with your double dates. 227 00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:44,723 - Listen, Judith- - I almost forgot. 228 00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:48,558 Your mother told me to tell you that she's behind you a hundred percent. 229 00:13:48,559 --> 00:13:53,311 - When did you talk to my mother? - Well, after Jake told me, I called her. 230 00:13:53,312 --> 00:13:57,104 - Why? - We had a little bet. It's not important. 231 00:13:57,105 --> 00:13:59,604 Bye-bye. 232 00:14:01,649 --> 00:14:04,734 I mean, okay, I do care about my appearance. 233 00:14:04,735 --> 00:14:09,653 Plus I've got mother issues and a bit of a flair for interior design. 234 00:14:09,654 --> 00:14:12,029 You know, sconces, throw pillows, bric-a-brac. 235 00:14:12,030 --> 00:14:13,822 Mm. 236 00:14:13,823 --> 00:14:16,739 But when it comes to penises, I am pretty clear... 237 00:14:16,740 --> 00:14:21,628 ...that the only one I want winking at me is my own. 238 00:14:21,952 --> 00:14:24,911 Who are you trying to convince here, Charlie? Me or you? 239 00:14:24,912 --> 00:14:28,690 You, and then I want you to convince me. 240 00:14:28,747 --> 00:14:31,246 Why do you need convincing? 241 00:14:31,374 --> 00:14:33,833 - Wow, good question. - Thanks. 242 00:14:33,834 --> 00:14:37,751 Once in a while I get a little wood on the ball. 243 00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:40,753 I mean, it has been suggested to me that all of my womanizing... 244 00:14:40,754 --> 00:14:43,504 ...is just my way of overcompensating. 245 00:14:43,505 --> 00:14:46,004 Who suggested that? 246 00:14:46,006 --> 00:14:50,758 Uh, mostly the women I was overcompensating on top of. 247 00:14:50,759 --> 00:14:56,928 Well, this is a very interesting area, but I'm afraid we're out of time. 248 00:14:56,929 --> 00:14:59,471 What? No, no, we can't stop here. 249 00:14:59,472 --> 00:15:04,950 - I have a patient waiting, Charlie. - Right. Hold on a sec. 250 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:12,167 Here, go get yourself something to eat. Come back in an hour. 251 00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:16,479 Okay, new clock. 252 00:15:18,233 --> 00:15:24,420 My mom took my temperature the baby way till I was eight years old. 253 00:15:49,290 --> 00:15:50,457 Hey, Dad. 254 00:15:50,458 --> 00:15:54,446 - Yeah? - It's okay if I'm not gay, right? 255 00:16:01,497 --> 00:16:05,331 Jake, listen, you and I need to clear the air about something. 256 00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:07,666 - After I call Sophie. - You just saw her. 257 00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:14,574 - What do you need to talk about? - Boy-girl stuff. You wouldn't understand. 258 00:16:15,130 --> 00:16:17,296 Hey, Alan. Your mom called. 259 00:16:17,297 --> 00:16:20,495 - She gave me the news. - Oh, God. 260 00:16:20,757 --> 00:16:23,256 Come here. 261 00:16:23,426 --> 00:16:25,925 I'm proud of you, Zippy. 262 00:16:26,428 --> 00:16:29,010 The world is a happier place once you figure out... 263 00:16:29,011 --> 00:16:32,740 ...whether you're the pin or the cushion. 264 00:16:33,722 --> 00:16:36,221 Good night. 265 00:16:42,185 --> 00:16:44,144 Charlie? 266 00:16:44,145 --> 00:16:47,647 - Yeah? - I think I might be gay. 267 00:16:49,189 --> 00:16:51,688 What did you do, Alan? 268 00:16:51,983 --> 00:16:56,359 Nothing, but I'm starting to put the pieces together. 269 00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:59,639 Which piece did you put where, Alan? 270 00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:03,363 I'm just thinking that... 271 00:17:03,364 --> 00:17:05,614 ...I've failed at every female relationship I've had. 272 00:17:05,615 --> 00:17:10,373 Oh, come on, that makes every man in the world gay. 273 00:17:10,909 --> 00:17:12,952 Let me finish. 274 00:17:12,953 --> 00:17:16,286 I've been unhappy for most of my life. 275 00:17:16,287 --> 00:17:19,664 I've never really fit in anywhere... 276 00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:23,750 ...and now, suddenly, I'm happy. 277 00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:27,710 Some might even say I'm glowing. 278 00:17:28,336 --> 00:17:32,879 There is a big leap between glowing and flaming. 279 00:17:35,214 --> 00:17:38,715 I'm just saying that this friendship with Greg has been so easy... 280 00:17:38,716 --> 00:17:45,220 ...and fun, and everybody else just seems happier thinking I'm gay. 281 00:17:45,553 --> 00:17:47,303 Maybe that's the answer. 282 00:17:47,304 --> 00:17:49,803 What was the question? 283 00:17:49,931 --> 00:17:52,223 Who is Alan Harper? 284 00:17:52,224 --> 00:17:53,765 That's easy. 285 00:17:53,766 --> 00:17:56,265 Alan Harper is an idiot. 286 00:17:57,060 --> 00:18:00,948 Why is my sexuality so threatening to you? 287 00:18:01,770 --> 00:18:04,228 It's not threatening. I am not threatened. 288 00:18:04,229 --> 00:18:06,355 - Is that so? - Okay. 289 00:18:06,356 --> 00:18:07,731 - Okay. - Hmm? 290 00:18:07,732 --> 00:18:09,231 Now, you listen to me. 291 00:18:09,232 --> 00:18:12,525 You're not gay, I'm not gay, nobody's gay. 292 00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:15,884 - Nobody's gay? - Not in this house. 293 00:18:16,653 --> 00:18:18,445 Where are you going? 294 00:18:18,446 --> 00:18:22,094 I have to buy some new hair conditioner. 295 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,992 - That was a good meeting tonight. - Yeah, it was okay... 296 00:18:27,993 --> 00:18:30,659 ...but some of those single moms get real gossipy. 297 00:18:30,660 --> 00:18:32,744 Oh, oh, like, uh, Rebecca Milford: 298 00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,786 Yakety-yakety-yakety. 299 00:18:34,787 --> 00:18:36,829 And did you see what she had on? 300 00:18:36,830 --> 00:18:41,332 Who could miss it? A woman that size should not wear paisley. 301 00:18:41,333 --> 00:18:44,709 - Okay, thanks for the ride. - Oh, oh, no problem. 302 00:18:44,710 --> 00:18:46,960 We still taking the kids to the mall Saturday? 303 00:18:46,961 --> 00:18:49,086 You kidding? I'm taking Jake to the mall Friday... 304 00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:52,796 ...so he can have cool clothes to wear to the mall Saturday. 305 00:18:52,797 --> 00:18:57,475 So maybe I'll see you there Friday. Okay, bye-bye. 306 00:18:59,092 --> 00:19:01,591 - Greg, wait. - Yeah? 307 00:19:07,181 --> 00:19:09,680 - Alan? - Yeah? 308 00:19:10,432 --> 00:19:12,931 What are you doing? 309 00:19:13,267 --> 00:19:16,643 Uh, I was just, you know... 310 00:19:16,935 --> 00:19:18,644 ...checking. 311 00:19:18,645 --> 00:19:20,770 Checking what? 312 00:19:20,771 --> 00:19:22,229 Well, it's not important. 313 00:19:22,230 --> 00:19:26,356 I just thought, uh, that, you know, possibly... 314 00:19:26,357 --> 00:19:28,856 ...I might be... 315 00:19:29,401 --> 00:19:31,067 Never mind. 316 00:19:31,068 --> 00:19:33,360 Alan, you're not gay. 317 00:19:33,361 --> 00:19:35,445 Are you sure? 318 00:19:35,446 --> 00:19:38,594 Do you find me sexually attractive? 319 00:19:38,655 --> 00:19:42,407 - No. - Do you find any man sexually attractive? 320 00:19:42,408 --> 00:19:45,492 No. Well, maybe George Clooney. 321 00:19:46,660 --> 00:19:48,076 Clooney doesn't count. 322 00:19:48,077 --> 00:19:51,288 Trust me, you're not gay. 323 00:19:53,372 --> 00:19:55,539 Okay. 324 00:19:55,540 --> 00:19:58,039 You seem disappointed. 325 00:19:59,125 --> 00:20:04,143 I just- I feel like I'm letting a lot of people down. 326 00:20:04,461 --> 00:20:06,960 Alan... 327 00:20:06,963 --> 00:20:09,551 ...it's okay to be straight. 328 00:20:09,714 --> 00:20:12,047 Yeah, I guess. 329 00:20:12,048 --> 00:20:16,174 So just to put all our cards on the table, you're not at all attracted to me? 330 00:20:16,175 --> 00:20:19,593 No. You're not my type. Now, Charlie on the other hand- 331 00:20:19,594 --> 00:20:23,596 - What about him? - He's, uh, very pretty. 332 00:20:24,472 --> 00:20:26,097 Get out of my car. 333 00:20:26,098 --> 00:20:27,973 - What? - You think Charlie's so pretty? 334 00:20:27,974 --> 00:20:31,392 - Go to the mall with Charlie. - Oh, come on, Alan, we're friends. 335 00:20:31,393 --> 00:20:34,101 No, I'm always the friend. Everybody wants Charlie. 336 00:20:34,102 --> 00:20:36,853 Alan, you're not gay. 337 00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:41,838 Yeah, well, there's a principle involved. Good night. 338 00:20:44,066 --> 00:20:46,565 Suit yourself. 339 00:20:52,487 --> 00:20:54,779 Well... 340 00:20:54,780 --> 00:20:57,419 ...at least I know who I am. 341 00:20:58,115 --> 00:21:01,158 A heterosexual nut job. 342 00:21:06,411 --> 00:21:09,912 I can't believe you broke up with Sophie's dad. 343 00:21:09,913 --> 00:21:12,412 I didn't- 344 00:21:12,498 --> 00:21:14,997 I'm not- 345 00:21:15,707 --> 00:21:18,206 I'm sorry. 346 00:21:18,918 --> 00:21:20,876 You know what would help this room? 347 00:21:20,877 --> 00:21:24,962 Get rid of all these lamps and put in some track lighting. 348 00:21:24,963 --> 00:21:27,462 Much more flattering. 349 00:21:29,924 --> 00:21:33,153 - What are you eating? - Lip gloss.