1 00:00:02,792 --> 00:00:06,453 Hey, Charlie, would you see who that is? 2 00:00:12,624 --> 00:00:14,799 It's Death. 3 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,308 Hi, Mom. 4 00:00:18,858 --> 00:00:21,660 Your gardener left this in the driveway. 5 00:00:21,661 --> 00:00:26,356 That was no gardener, it was a girl with a grudge. 6 00:00:28,773 --> 00:00:32,789 - So how was your friend's funeral? - Oh, terribly disappointing. 7 00:00:32,790 --> 00:00:38,604 Yeah, in my experience, nothing kills a party like a dead broad in a box. 8 00:00:38,605 --> 00:00:40,445 Don't be glib, Charlie. 9 00:00:40,446 --> 00:00:42,662 - Hello, Alan. - Oh, hey, Mom. 10 00:00:42,663 --> 00:00:44,294 Wow, you look nice. 11 00:00:44,295 --> 00:00:46,636 Yes, mourning becomes me, doesn't it? 12 00:00:46,637 --> 00:00:49,858 If only more of my friends would die. 13 00:00:49,859 --> 00:00:52,668 I'm sure the feeling's mutual. 14 00:00:53,123 --> 00:00:55,966 Charlie, as long as you're over there, make Mommy a drink. 15 00:00:55,967 --> 00:00:58,184 It's been a very depressing afternoon. 16 00:00:58,185 --> 00:01:00,360 Thanks for spreading it around. 17 00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:03,539 Can you believe two of Cynthia's three children... 18 00:01:03,540 --> 00:01:06,635 ...didn't even bother showing up at her funeral? 19 00:01:06,636 --> 00:01:09,605 And the one who did was drunk and cracking tasteless jokes... 20 00:01:09,606 --> 00:01:12,701 ...about his mother all throughout the service. 21 00:01:12,702 --> 00:01:17,527 You didn't happen to jot any of them down, did you? 22 00:01:17,556 --> 00:01:19,730 And it wasn't just the children. 23 00:01:19,731 --> 00:01:24,416 The crowd was very sparse and there was virtually no mourning. 24 00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:27,136 That's understandable. You said no one liked this woman. 25 00:01:27,137 --> 00:01:30,958 Oh, she was a hateful shrew, but still... 26 00:01:31,069 --> 00:01:34,080 Fortunately, I was able to draw on my theater background... 27 00:01:34,081 --> 00:01:36,589 ...and work up a good cry. 28 00:01:36,633 --> 00:01:38,474 Sense memory. 29 00:01:38,475 --> 00:01:43,368 I remembered the time I wasn't cast as Blanche DuBois in Streetcar. 30 00:01:43,369 --> 00:01:45,877 You're a good friend, Mom. 31 00:01:46,005 --> 00:01:49,560 I know. I'm just glad that when my time comes... 32 00:01:49,561 --> 00:01:53,543 ...I won't have such a humiliating sendoff. 33 00:01:55,460 --> 00:01:56,756 Right? 34 00:01:56,757 --> 00:01:59,768 - Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah. - Yeah, of course. Sendoff. Yes. 35 00:01:59,769 --> 00:02:01,777 Well, I'm gonna go freshen up. 36 00:02:01,778 --> 00:02:04,621 Even fake tears can ruin one's mascara. 37 00:02:04,622 --> 00:02:08,805 Whoever did Cynthia's makeup should be shot and buried beside her. 38 00:02:08,806 --> 00:02:11,886 She looked like a varnished clown. 39 00:02:12,237 --> 00:02:15,290 You'll go to Mom's funeral, won't you? 40 00:02:15,291 --> 00:02:16,671 Of course. 41 00:02:16,672 --> 00:02:21,900 As the eldest son, it's my obligation to pound in the stake. 42 00:02:21,901 --> 00:02:24,076 Typical. Nothing for Alan to do. 43 00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:30,045 Okay, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers. 44 00:02:37,465 --> 00:02:38,803 What are you doing? 45 00:02:38,804 --> 00:02:41,983 Leaving before Mom gets out of the bathroom. 46 00:02:41,984 --> 00:02:45,915 - I thought we were taking her to dinner. - I can't listen to her anymore. 47 00:02:45,916 --> 00:02:47,965 It blows my mind that she can go on and on... 48 00:02:47,966 --> 00:02:50,224 ...about her toxic friend's sad little funeral... 49 00:02:50,225 --> 00:02:52,944 ...when we both know she gonna end up the same way. 50 00:02:52,945 --> 00:02:56,124 I don't disagree, but there's an option to running away from her. 51 00:02:56,125 --> 00:02:59,973 Yeah, but we'd get caught and you'd sell me out for a reduced sentence. 52 00:02:59,974 --> 00:03:03,906 We could tell her the truth. That she's just as toxic as her late friend... 53 00:03:03,907 --> 00:03:08,842 ...and that that's the way she's gonna be remembered. 54 00:03:09,095 --> 00:03:10,892 Are you on crack? 55 00:03:10,893 --> 00:03:14,783 Maybe if she realized how people see her, she might make an effort to change. 56 00:03:14,784 --> 00:03:18,883 If she realized how people see her, she'd just get new people. 57 00:03:18,884 --> 00:03:21,101 - Charlie, I- - What are we gonna say, Alan? 58 00:03:21,102 --> 00:03:24,782 "You're a crazy she-bat and the only way people will come to your funeral... 59 00:03:24,783 --> 00:03:30,012 ...is if your delighted sons turn it into a three-day beer bash with go-go dancers. 60 00:03:30,013 --> 00:03:32,522 Well, we wouldn't start there. 61 00:03:32,523 --> 00:03:35,199 All right, Cynthia's in the ground... 62 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,417 ...my face is on, I look stunning in black... 63 00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:39,509 ...let's go to dinner. 64 00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:42,017 Hey, just follow my lead. 65 00:03:43,694 --> 00:03:46,201 - Mom? - Yes, dear. 66 00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:57,708 Alan thinks you're a crazy she-bat and no one will mourn at your funeral either. 67 00:03:57,709 --> 00:04:01,306 We're telling you this because we love you. 68 00:04:01,307 --> 00:04:02,938 I see. 69 00:04:02,939 --> 00:04:08,502 Look, Mom, you have to realize that you're not that different from Cynthia. 70 00:04:08,503 --> 00:04:10,929 I most certainly am. 71 00:04:10,930 --> 00:04:14,862 Oh, come on, Mom. You speak ill of everyone, even your closest friends. 72 00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:17,915 You manipulate people. You're an unbelievable narcissist. 73 00:04:17,916 --> 00:04:21,890 - You're self-obsessed- - That's a bit redundant, isn't it? 74 00:04:21,891 --> 00:04:25,029 You find fault with everything. 75 00:04:25,196 --> 00:04:29,045 And, frankly, I don't know anyone who enjoys spending time with you... 76 00:04:29,046 --> 00:04:32,577 ...let alone would cry at your funeral. 77 00:04:32,810 --> 00:04:35,318 That's one point of view. 78 00:04:39,295 --> 00:04:43,358 Charlie, I notice you haven't said anything. 79 00:04:43,772 --> 00:04:47,077 Actually, "crazy she-bat" was mine. 80 00:04:49,462 --> 00:04:52,683 Again, Mom, we're only telling you this because we care about you. 81 00:04:52,684 --> 00:04:55,025 Right, Charlie? We care about you. 82 00:04:55,026 --> 00:04:57,201 And it's not too late for you to change... 83 00:04:57,202 --> 00:05:00,674 ...and become the kind of person that people would dearly miss. 84 00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:03,182 When you're dead. 85 00:05:04,858 --> 00:05:08,413 - You've given me a lot to think about. - Yes, and while you're thinking... 86 00:05:08,414 --> 00:05:11,677 ...remember the spirit in which it was intended. 87 00:05:11,678 --> 00:05:14,185 Oh, I won't forget that. 88 00:05:15,861 --> 00:05:17,115 Good, good. 89 00:05:17,116 --> 00:05:19,877 Listen, I think I'm gonna beg off dinner tonight. 90 00:05:19,878 --> 00:05:22,430 Good, good. Aw. 91 00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:27,156 Goodbye, boys. 92 00:05:27,157 --> 00:05:29,665 - Bye-bye. - Goodbye. 93 00:05:34,855 --> 00:05:37,363 - Okay. - Okay? 94 00:05:37,993 --> 00:05:40,711 What's okay? What do you see that's okay? 95 00:05:40,712 --> 00:05:42,719 Well, we got out of dinner. 96 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:44,770 Yes, but at what cost? 97 00:05:44,771 --> 00:05:49,330 Sure, her feelings are hurt right now, but that'll pass in time... 98 00:05:49,331 --> 00:05:53,346 ...and then she'll see this as an opportunity to grow and change. 99 00:05:53,347 --> 00:05:55,975 Do you actually believe that? 100 00:05:56,317 --> 00:05:58,825 I have to, Charlie. 101 00:05:59,665 --> 00:06:02,173 I have to. 102 00:06:05,689 --> 00:06:07,822 Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad. 103 00:06:07,823 --> 00:06:10,682 This PB and J is off the hook. 104 00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:15,734 - Excuse me? - He's been watching MTV Cribs. 105 00:06:17,278 --> 00:06:18,950 The kid's a sponge. 106 00:06:18,951 --> 00:06:21,459 For shizzle, my dizzle. 107 00:06:21,504 --> 00:06:24,182 Hey, MC Skid Mark. 108 00:06:25,228 --> 00:06:29,421 Here's something else you left in your pants. 109 00:06:29,537 --> 00:06:32,506 - Oh, right. I was supposed to mail this. - What is it? 110 00:06:32,507 --> 00:06:35,811 It's a birthday card Mom gave me to send to Grandma. 111 00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:38,614 Oh, God. Today's Mom's birthday. 112 00:06:38,615 --> 00:06:41,123 You forgot Mom's birthday? 113 00:06:41,419 --> 00:06:42,631 Did you remember it? 114 00:06:42,632 --> 00:06:46,229 Hey, hey, no one expects me to remember anything. 115 00:06:46,230 --> 00:06:48,613 - When's the last time you talked? - I don't know. 116 00:06:48,614 --> 00:06:51,500 When we told her she's horrible and nobody likes her. 117 00:06:51,501 --> 00:06:54,229 Oh, yeah. That was a fun day. 118 00:06:54,513 --> 00:06:58,654 - Guess I could save this for next year. - No, no. You'll give it to her in person. 119 00:06:58,655 --> 00:07:01,123 We'll go buy her a present, then bring it to her. 120 00:07:01,124 --> 00:07:03,507 Gee, Alan, she hasn't talked to us in weeks. 121 00:07:03,508 --> 00:07:06,519 Don't you think showing up with a gift might jeopardize that? 122 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:08,820 If we don't, we'll never hear the end of it. 123 00:07:08,821 --> 00:07:11,329 True dat. 124 00:07:11,416 --> 00:07:13,967 You tell them, Poop Dogg. 125 00:07:15,599 --> 00:07:18,737 Yo, check out the bling. 126 00:07:19,616 --> 00:07:21,413 Jake, I'm not gonna tell you again. 127 00:07:21,414 --> 00:07:24,719 You're a pasty white kid. Start acting like one. 128 00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:26,225 Fine. 129 00:07:26,226 --> 00:07:28,734 Oh, this is cool. 130 00:07:30,536 --> 00:07:32,668 It does say "Mom." 131 00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:35,764 Charlie, be serious. Jake, if you wanna help, find something... 132 00:07:35,765 --> 00:07:38,693 - ... that's appropriate for your grandma. - Like what? 133 00:07:38,694 --> 00:07:43,709 See if they got a grizzly bear ripping apart a salmon. 134 00:07:45,555 --> 00:07:48,064 Hi there. May I help you find something? 135 00:07:48,065 --> 00:07:51,160 Oh, yeah. We're looking for a birthday gift for our mother. 136 00:07:51,161 --> 00:07:53,461 Oh, how sweet. When's her birthday? 137 00:07:53,462 --> 00:07:55,219 Today. 138 00:07:55,220 --> 00:07:56,934 He forgot. 139 00:07:56,935 --> 00:08:00,113 Well, tell me something about her. What does she like? 140 00:08:00,114 --> 00:08:02,247 Hurting people. 141 00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:03,460 Charlie- 142 00:08:03,461 --> 00:08:07,477 It's a little hard to answer that because we have a strained relationship. 143 00:08:07,478 --> 00:08:11,995 Oh, so you'd like to find a gift that would help bring you closer together? 144 00:08:11,996 --> 00:08:14,965 - No, no. No, no. - Oh, no. No. 145 00:08:15,260 --> 00:08:17,685 This is just your standard family obligation... 146 00:08:17,686 --> 00:08:21,450 ...here it is, happy birthday, stay-off-our-backs kind of thing. 147 00:08:21,451 --> 00:08:23,959 But with a pretty bow. 148 00:08:24,255 --> 00:08:27,595 I see. And what is your price range? 149 00:08:28,439 --> 00:08:30,905 Enough that she can't complain, but not so much... 150 00:08:30,906 --> 00:08:34,588 - ... that it's worth her while to return it. - Exactly. 151 00:08:34,589 --> 00:08:37,894 Have you considered a nice perfume? 152 00:08:38,061 --> 00:08:39,441 Do you know her scent? 153 00:08:39,442 --> 00:08:40,946 - Oh, actually I don't. - I do. 154 00:08:40,947 --> 00:08:42,411 - You do? - Yep. 155 00:08:42,412 --> 00:08:44,929 Do you carry Chanel Nș 666? 156 00:08:46,303 --> 00:08:50,694 You know, I think I'm going to let the two of you just browse a bit more... 157 00:08:50,695 --> 00:08:53,792 ...and I'll be back, maybe. 158 00:08:54,336 --> 00:08:56,343 Great news. 159 00:08:56,344 --> 00:08:58,852 It's on sale. 160 00:09:01,657 --> 00:09:04,041 Now, remember, this was not a last-minute thing. 161 00:09:04,042 --> 00:09:06,133 Our plan all along was to surprise her. 162 00:09:06,134 --> 00:09:08,642 I know how to lie, Dad. 163 00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:11,069 We're not lying. We're being considerate. 164 00:09:11,070 --> 00:09:13,578 By lying. 165 00:09:15,254 --> 00:09:16,843 Happy birthday. 166 00:09:16,844 --> 00:09:19,354 Oh, what a surprise. 167 00:09:19,521 --> 00:09:22,119 That was the plan all along. 168 00:09:22,952 --> 00:09:24,792 I don't know what to say. 169 00:09:24,793 --> 00:09:27,218 After the last time we spoke, I assumed that- 170 00:09:27,219 --> 00:09:28,432 Come on, Mom. 171 00:09:28,433 --> 00:09:33,536 No matter what, you're still our mother. Right, Charlie? You're still our mother. 172 00:09:33,537 --> 00:09:35,251 Give her her present, Jake. 173 00:09:35,252 --> 00:09:37,176 - Happy birthday. - Thank you. 174 00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:39,645 - Oh, it's heavy. - It's just a bowl. 175 00:09:39,646 --> 00:09:43,116 I wanted to get you a bear eating a fish. 176 00:09:43,117 --> 00:09:47,150 But we got her a nice crystal bowl instead. 177 00:09:47,553 --> 00:09:51,359 - So can we come in? - Actually, I'm having a little party. 178 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,702 - A party? - And you didn't invite us? 179 00:09:53,703 --> 00:09:56,630 Charles, if someone's not going to mourn at my funeral... 180 00:09:56,631 --> 00:10:00,396 ...I certainly don't want them at my birthday party. 181 00:10:00,397 --> 00:10:02,904 Well, then who's here? 182 00:10:03,241 --> 00:10:08,219 People who love me. People who care about me and accept me for who I am. 183 00:10:08,220 --> 00:10:10,728 Oh, I gotta see this. 184 00:10:10,772 --> 00:10:13,280 Please come in. 185 00:10:14,998 --> 00:10:17,506 Oh, hello. 186 00:10:17,508 --> 00:10:18,762 Hi. 187 00:10:18,763 --> 00:10:24,828 Charlie, Alan, Jake, I'd like you to meet Roger and Philip and their son, Changpu. 188 00:10:24,829 --> 00:10:26,795 These are my sons and grandson. 189 00:10:26,796 --> 00:10:28,511 - Oh, hi. - Nice to meet you. 190 00:10:28,512 --> 00:10:30,937 Your mom is such an incredible woman. 191 00:10:30,938 --> 00:10:34,786 - She's like the loving mother I never had. - She's fabulous. 192 00:10:34,787 --> 00:10:37,385 We're one big, happy family. 193 00:10:40,351 --> 00:10:44,200 Son of a bitch. She got new people. 194 00:10:49,271 --> 00:10:51,027 Who are these guys? 195 00:10:51,028 --> 00:10:52,700 You're surprised I have friends? 196 00:10:52,701 --> 00:10:55,086 You're surprised that I'm surprised? 197 00:10:55,087 --> 00:10:57,930 Roger works in my real-estate office, Philip does my hair. 198 00:10:57,931 --> 00:11:01,278 And I introduced them. They make a lovely couple, don't they? 199 00:11:01,279 --> 00:11:02,491 Yeah, I guess. 200 00:11:02,492 --> 00:11:04,541 And they adopted... 201 00:11:04,542 --> 00:11:07,050 ...Chung King? 202 00:11:07,094 --> 00:11:09,688 Changpu. Yes, from China. 203 00:11:09,855 --> 00:11:13,745 Of course, I had to help them a bit, greasing the bureaucratic wheels. 204 00:11:13,746 --> 00:11:16,213 - You bribed someone? - Oh, don't be ridiculous. 205 00:11:16,214 --> 00:11:18,892 I merely slept with a commie. 206 00:11:19,937 --> 00:11:23,074 - Is this goose liver? - It's quail pâté with endive. 207 00:11:23,075 --> 00:11:25,794 - Philip's special recipe. - Oh, you gotta give it to me. 208 00:11:25,795 --> 00:11:28,597 Well, I'll trade you. My recipe for your mother. 209 00:11:28,598 --> 00:11:30,605 Done. 210 00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:34,454 You are so lucky. My mother is a bitch on wheels. 211 00:11:34,455 --> 00:11:37,843 - Your mother? What about my mother? - Fine, your mother's a bitch too. 212 00:11:37,844 --> 00:11:40,352 Thank you. 213 00:11:40,563 --> 00:11:43,742 So do you have a PlayStation or an Xbox? 214 00:11:43,743 --> 00:11:45,960 I have a cello. 215 00:11:45,961 --> 00:11:50,436 - What do you play on that? - Beethoven, Brahms, Bach, Shostakovich. 216 00:11:50,437 --> 00:11:52,944 So no "Grand Theft Auto"? 217 00:12:04,453 --> 00:12:06,961 Oh, this is a treat. 218 00:12:17,883 --> 00:12:21,481 My boys, my boys. Thank you. 219 00:12:21,648 --> 00:12:24,994 - Make a wish. - Why? You're already here. 220 00:12:24,995 --> 00:12:27,502 My wish has come true. 221 00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:34,673 Who wishes for two gay guys and a Chinese kid? 222 00:12:35,078 --> 00:12:40,223 Oh, and now, Evy, we have a very special present for you. 223 00:12:40,224 --> 00:12:44,015 What do you think, a bear eating a bear? 224 00:12:44,365 --> 00:12:47,001 Changpu is going to perform a cello concerto. 225 00:12:47,002 --> 00:12:49,260 He wrote it himself in your honor. 226 00:12:49,261 --> 00:12:51,768 How marvelous. 227 00:12:54,950 --> 00:12:59,175 - Should I give her the card now? - Forget about the card, Jake. 228 00:12:59,176 --> 00:13:02,983 Shh, shh, shh. Shampoo is gonna play. 229 00:13:12,941 --> 00:13:17,605 Don't feel bad. I bet he can't burp the alphabet. 230 00:13:20,303 --> 00:13:24,319 Well, that was one of the most bizarre evenings I've ever spent. 231 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:29,205 - It was right up there. - I thought it was fabulous. 232 00:13:30,847 --> 00:13:32,729 You know what's happened, don't you? 233 00:13:32,730 --> 00:13:35,908 - We've been replaced. - Hey, fine with me. 234 00:13:35,909 --> 00:13:39,506 As long as she's got Siegfried and Roy, we don't have to deal with her. 235 00:13:39,507 --> 00:13:42,853 It's fine with me too. I just can't believe she conned these guys... 236 00:13:42,854 --> 00:13:46,492 - ... into thinking she's a good witch. - Well, we know she's not. 237 00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:50,300 - You're damn right. - You said it, sister. 238 00:13:50,301 --> 00:13:53,940 Hey, SpongeBob GayPants, take a break. 239 00:13:56,744 --> 00:14:00,675 You don't think we might have been wrong about Mom. 240 00:14:00,676 --> 00:14:03,311 - What? - I'm just saying that Roger and Philip... 241 00:14:03,312 --> 00:14:05,696 ...obviously see something in her that we don't. 242 00:14:05,697 --> 00:14:07,621 Who knows her better? Us or them? 243 00:14:07,622 --> 00:14:09,085 Oh, us. No question. 244 00:14:09,086 --> 00:14:11,344 But maybe there's a part of her we're missing. 245 00:14:11,345 --> 00:14:14,021 Alan, there's a part of her she's missing. 246 00:14:14,022 --> 00:14:15,779 It's called her soul. 247 00:14:15,780 --> 00:14:18,288 Snap. 248 00:14:28,666 --> 00:14:30,212 Hey, Mom, how are you? 249 00:14:30,213 --> 00:14:32,849 Charlie, what a pleasant surprise. 250 00:14:32,850 --> 00:14:36,614 Oh, I was just calling to say happy birthday again and thanks for last night. 251 00:14:36,615 --> 00:14:40,253 It was so nice to meet Philip and Roger... 252 00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,471 ...and Shanghai. 253 00:14:42,472 --> 00:14:43,977 Changpu. 254 00:14:43,978 --> 00:14:46,822 And thank you for the lovely crystal bowl. 255 00:14:46,823 --> 00:14:48,412 Oh, good, you like it? 256 00:14:48,413 --> 00:14:50,379 Like it? Well, I love it. 257 00:14:50,380 --> 00:14:52,888 I'm admiring it right now. 258 00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:54,939 Great, great. 259 00:14:54,940 --> 00:14:57,574 - Listen, dear, I've really gotta go. - No, wait, Mom. 260 00:14:57,575 --> 00:15:01,172 I wanna clear the air about that stuff that got said a couple of weeks ago. 261 00:15:01,173 --> 00:15:02,762 What's that? 262 00:15:02,763 --> 00:15:06,109 Well, I don't have any problems with you being who you are. 263 00:15:06,110 --> 00:15:11,464 That whole thing about you needing to change, well, that's Alan's deal. 264 00:15:11,465 --> 00:15:13,724 - Oh, I knew that. - Yeah. 265 00:15:13,725 --> 00:15:15,983 The thing I love about our relationship is... 266 00:15:15,984 --> 00:15:19,078 ...that you don't try to change me, I don't try to change you. 267 00:15:19,079 --> 00:15:22,844 We accept each other as, you know, incapable of changing. 268 00:15:22,845 --> 00:15:24,392 That is very sweet. 269 00:15:24,393 --> 00:15:28,666 Okay, here you go. Eggs Benedict, my own reci- 270 00:15:29,748 --> 00:15:33,136 - Anything else? - No, no, I guess not. 271 00:15:33,137 --> 00:15:36,693 - Love you. - You too. Bye-bye. 272 00:15:37,028 --> 00:15:40,291 - Who was that? - Oh, nobody. 273 00:15:40,459 --> 00:15:44,056 You said there was something important you wanted to talk to me about? 274 00:15:44,057 --> 00:15:47,235 Yeah, yeah. I was just thinking about- 275 00:15:47,236 --> 00:15:49,662 Mm. Mm. Too much lemon juice in the sauce. 276 00:15:49,663 --> 00:15:51,503 Oh, gee, I'm sorry. 277 00:15:51,504 --> 00:15:54,390 You should ask Philip for his recipe. 278 00:15:54,391 --> 00:15:55,770 I will. 279 00:15:55,771 --> 00:15:59,033 You might also ask him who cuts his hair. 280 00:15:59,034 --> 00:16:02,635 You don't have to be gay to look nice. 281 00:16:04,139 --> 00:16:06,062 I'll ask. 282 00:16:06,063 --> 00:16:09,409 Anyway, I just wanted to clear the air about a few things. 283 00:16:09,410 --> 00:16:11,918 Really? Like what? 284 00:16:12,255 --> 00:16:17,943 Well, you know, that stuff that got said a couple of weeks ago. 285 00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:20,452 I just want you to know... 286 00:16:20,581 --> 00:16:22,964 ...it was Charlie's idea. 287 00:16:22,965 --> 00:16:25,349 Oh, I knew that. 288 00:16:25,350 --> 00:16:27,818 Yeah, I only went along because, you know... 289 00:16:27,819 --> 00:16:29,951 ...he's the older brother... 290 00:16:29,952 --> 00:16:32,294 ...and he might have been drunk. 291 00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:35,306 Well, I'm just glad one of my sons cares about me. 292 00:16:35,307 --> 00:16:37,815 I do. I love you, Mommy. 293 00:16:38,780 --> 00:16:40,369 Right back at you. 294 00:16:40,370 --> 00:16:43,548 Now skedaddle. Philip and Roger will be here any minute. 295 00:16:43,549 --> 00:16:46,520 Oh. Okay. 296 00:16:47,775 --> 00:16:50,578 Oh, look, there they are. 297 00:16:51,415 --> 00:16:53,923 Philip, Roger and Changpu. 298 00:16:55,054 --> 00:16:57,941 No pictures of me or Jake. 299 00:16:58,611 --> 00:17:02,668 Sweetheart, I've been asking for a decent picture for years. 300 00:17:02,669 --> 00:17:05,136 All I've ever gotten was a school photo of Jake... 301 00:17:05,137 --> 00:17:07,563 ...where he appeared to be sucking on his shirt. 302 00:17:07,564 --> 00:17:11,579 Oh, yeah. They served spaghetti on picture day. 303 00:17:11,580 --> 00:17:14,006 Oh, hey, you know what we should do? 304 00:17:14,007 --> 00:17:16,935 We should get together and take a nice family portrait. 305 00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:19,194 - That sounds lovely. - Great. I'll set it up. 306 00:17:19,195 --> 00:17:22,332 - Terrific. - Okay. Bye. 307 00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:25,008 Bye-bye. 308 00:17:25,930 --> 00:17:28,691 Did I tell you that I love you, Mommy? 309 00:17:28,692 --> 00:17:31,243 Yes, but I never tire of hearing it. 310 00:17:31,244 --> 00:17:35,196 Oh, well, in that case, I love you, Mommy. 311 00:17:39,737 --> 00:17:44,682 I really should have stopped drinking during pregnancy. 312 00:17:59,232 --> 00:18:01,953 - Hello? - Hello. 313 00:18:08,228 --> 00:18:10,736 - Hey, Alan? - Yeah? 314 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:14,838 I couldn't help noticing there's a photographer in the living room. 315 00:18:14,839 --> 00:18:18,435 Oh, yeah, we're taking a family picture. 316 00:18:18,436 --> 00:18:20,943 Family picture. 317 00:18:21,365 --> 00:18:25,463 Would it be rude of me to point out the obvious flaw in your plan? 318 00:18:25,464 --> 00:18:29,564 - I didn't think you'd be interested. - I'm not. 319 00:18:29,565 --> 00:18:33,245 So it's just you and Little Lord Scratch 'n' Sniff? 320 00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:38,412 Hey, if you don't sniff it, you don't know what it is. 321 00:18:40,526 --> 00:18:44,769 Actually, it's a picture of me, Jake and Mom. 322 00:18:44,961 --> 00:18:47,468 Mom? Mom who? 323 00:18:48,308 --> 00:18:52,156 She said she didn't have any good pictures of us. 324 00:18:52,157 --> 00:18:55,949 Wait a minute, when did you talk to Mom? 325 00:18:56,090 --> 00:18:58,223 She called me. 326 00:18:58,224 --> 00:19:01,611 You've been sucking up to her behind my back, haven't you? 327 00:19:01,612 --> 00:19:06,507 Charlie, you have no idea how insane that sounds. 328 00:19:07,135 --> 00:19:09,519 All I know is after everything that's happened... 329 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,363 ...I would never talk to her without talking to you first. 330 00:19:12,364 --> 00:19:15,961 - You wouldn't? - What kind of person do you take me for? 331 00:19:15,962 --> 00:19:17,760 I'd rather cut off my arm... 332 00:19:17,761 --> 00:19:21,400 ...than pick up the phone and try to undermine my brother. 333 00:19:21,401 --> 00:19:23,283 Me too. 334 00:19:23,284 --> 00:19:25,542 That's why I'm... 335 00:19:25,543 --> 00:19:29,558 ...taking a bullet here for the both of us. 336 00:19:29,559 --> 00:19:31,274 Well, thanks. 337 00:19:31,275 --> 00:19:33,575 You don't have to thank me. 338 00:19:33,576 --> 00:19:36,084 I'm your brother. 339 00:19:36,546 --> 00:19:39,054 Ooh. Mommy's here. 340 00:19:39,601 --> 00:19:42,109 Might as well get this over with. 341 00:19:42,110 --> 00:19:44,578 Wait a sec, hang on. 342 00:19:44,579 --> 00:19:45,917 Let me go change. 343 00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:48,511 - You actually wanna be in the picture? - No, no, no. 344 00:19:48,512 --> 00:19:49,933 Are you kidding? 345 00:19:49,934 --> 00:19:53,322 But it's not fair for you to have to do it alone. 346 00:19:53,323 --> 00:19:56,001 Oh. Well, thanks. 347 00:19:56,168 --> 00:20:00,461 You don't have to thank me. I'm your brother. 348 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,367 - Hi, Mom. - Hello, dear. 349 00:20:04,368 --> 00:20:06,878 - Mom, how are you? Good to see you. - Hi, Charlie. 350 00:20:06,879 --> 00:20:09,932 Oh, what a marvelous house. 351 00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:13,029 - Adorable. - Mom? 352 00:20:13,196 --> 00:20:18,162 You said you wanted a family portrait. They're family. 353 00:20:18,761 --> 00:20:21,102 Okay, well, I'm going back to bed. 354 00:20:21,103 --> 00:20:22,985 Charlie, what about the picture? 355 00:20:22,986 --> 00:20:25,495 Put me down for a wallet size. 356 00:20:25,496 --> 00:20:28,466 I just love what you're wearing. 357 00:20:52,850 --> 00:20:54,146 - Like that? - Yeah. 358 00:20:54,147 --> 00:20:57,074 But what was all that crap in the beginning? 359 00:20:57,075 --> 00:20:59,543 Introduction of my own composition. 360 00:20:59,544 --> 00:21:02,179 No offense, but "Smoke on the Water" doesn't begin... 361 00:21:02,180 --> 00:21:04,687 ...with crap on the water. 362 00:21:05,443 --> 00:21:06,739 My apologies. 363 00:21:06,740 --> 00:21:11,966 Okay, let's take it from the top. One, two, three, four. 364 00:21:19,541 --> 00:21:21,674 The play date was a good idea. 365 00:21:21,675 --> 00:21:24,603 Yeah, let's see how Grandma likes her prodigy... 366 00:21:24,604 --> 00:21:28,160 ...after he sponges up our sponge.