1 00:00:03,073 --> 00:00:05,871 You're taking advantage of me because I'm drunk, aren't you? 2 00:00:05,872 --> 00:00:11,679 - Yeah, I'm a bad girl. - Lucky for both of us, I don't judge. 3 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:13,935 - It's not my fault. - Whose fault is it? 4 00:00:13,936 --> 00:00:17,821 - I told you. Uncle Charlie. - I thought you lived alone. 5 00:00:17,822 --> 00:00:21,497 I do. I leave the TV on to deter criminals. 6 00:00:21,498 --> 00:00:25,466 Charlie, did you tell Jake he could use your computer? 7 00:00:25,467 --> 00:00:27,974 Just take what you want and don't hurt us. 8 00:00:27,975 --> 00:00:31,023 - Go ahead, tell him, Uncle Charlie. - No one's talking to you. 9 00:00:31,024 --> 00:00:33,698 Can you explain to me why I caught him watching a movie... 10 00:00:33,699 --> 00:00:36,564 ...called Vanessa Does Van Nuys? 11 00:00:36,832 --> 00:00:40,675 Hey, meet Vanessa. Why don't you hop upstairs? 12 00:00:40,676 --> 00:00:42,513 - I'll be right there. - Okay. 13 00:00:42,514 --> 00:00:45,897 - Hey, Dad, can we move to Van Nuys? - No. 14 00:00:45,898 --> 00:00:48,112 - Hey, whose skateboard? - Mine. 15 00:00:48,113 --> 00:00:52,123 - Wow, it's really rad. - Thanks. So's your movie. 16 00:00:52,124 --> 00:00:54,588 Thanks. We're working on a sequel. 17 00:00:54,589 --> 00:00:57,137 Yeah, I'm gonna do Woodland Hills next. 18 00:00:57,138 --> 00:01:00,533 - Hippety-hop, hop, hop. - Oh, right. 19 00:01:00,564 --> 00:01:03,446 - Can we move to Woodland Hills? - Forget Woodland Hills. 20 00:01:03,447 --> 00:01:06,077 What the hell is your skateboard doing on the stairs? 21 00:01:06,078 --> 00:01:08,459 We're talking about the dirty movie on your computer. 22 00:01:08,460 --> 00:01:10,840 I'm sorry. I forgot it was on there. 23 00:01:10,841 --> 00:01:13,431 You can't forget when you have a child in the house. 24 00:01:13,432 --> 00:01:17,066 - I'm not a child. - And I don't have him. 25 00:01:17,067 --> 00:01:19,698 No one's talking to you, and that's no excuse. 26 00:01:19,699 --> 00:01:21,035 Look, it's not hard-core. 27 00:01:21,036 --> 00:01:24,044 It's mostly her and a couple friends having a pajama party. 28 00:01:24,045 --> 00:01:28,072 - I didn't see pajamas. - Shut up. Go away. 29 00:01:30,103 --> 00:01:33,237 Again, I am sorry, mea culpa. 30 00:01:33,403 --> 00:01:37,911 Now, if you'll excuse me, "mea" going upstairs... 31 00:01:37,999 --> 00:01:40,380 ...for a "culpa" hours. 32 00:01:40,381 --> 00:01:42,386 Hey, Charlie, who do I work for... 33 00:01:42,387 --> 00:01:46,563 ...you or this fastidious parasite you call a brother? 34 00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:50,321 I get the feeling you want me to say me. 35 00:01:50,492 --> 00:01:53,778 Me, definitely me. She works for me. 36 00:01:53,793 --> 00:01:56,298 Then tell her when something is on the shopping list... 37 00:01:56,299 --> 00:01:58,137 ...she should, in fact, shop for it. 38 00:01:58,138 --> 00:02:00,184 I'm gonna slug him. Can I slug him? 39 00:02:00,185 --> 00:02:02,774 - Why are you making such a big deal? - It is a big deal. 40 00:02:02,775 --> 00:02:04,445 - It's not. - The hell it isn't. 41 00:02:04,446 --> 00:02:06,451 - What is going on here? - It's very simple. 42 00:02:06,452 --> 00:02:10,379 I have decided to start drinking acidophilus milk. 43 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:13,847 It promotes intestinal flora, which aids in healthy digestion. 44 00:02:13,848 --> 00:02:17,481 Anyway, for three weeks, I've been writing it on the shopping list... 45 00:02:17,482 --> 00:02:21,409 ...yet Berta insists on bringing home 2-percent. 46 00:02:21,410 --> 00:02:23,914 Slug him. 47 00:02:24,653 --> 00:02:28,872 This is my life. Milk and skateboards. 48 00:02:35,766 --> 00:02:38,461 It's a good thing I'm drunk. 49 00:02:47,373 --> 00:02:50,214 "Salted butter." Salted butter. 50 00:02:50,382 --> 00:02:54,266 "Extra-large eggs." Extra-large eggs. 51 00:02:54,434 --> 00:02:59,452 "Acidophilus milk." Two-percent milk, you whiny pinhead. 52 00:03:01,035 --> 00:03:04,085 - Morning. - Hey, how you feeling? 53 00:03:04,086 --> 00:03:07,093 - Not too bad, really. - That was some fall you took. 54 00:03:07,094 --> 00:03:10,561 Yeah, if I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me. 55 00:03:10,562 --> 00:03:13,820 You'd think the liquor industry would promote that. 56 00:03:13,821 --> 00:03:15,240 It is a selling point. 57 00:03:15,241 --> 00:03:19,418 Right up there with making ugly people doable. 58 00:03:19,419 --> 00:03:21,047 Ah. 59 00:03:21,048 --> 00:03:23,848 Two-percent, the king of milk. 60 00:03:24,516 --> 00:03:26,312 He's gotta go, Charlie. 61 00:03:26,313 --> 00:03:28,484 What am I gonna do, Berta? He's my brother. 62 00:03:28,485 --> 00:03:32,061 We could make it look like an accident. 63 00:03:32,163 --> 00:03:34,711 No. No accidents. 64 00:03:35,379 --> 00:03:40,468 As long as my mother's alive, nothing happens to Fredo. 65 00:03:44,154 --> 00:03:46,492 Hi. 66 00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:48,997 Hello. 67 00:03:49,335 --> 00:03:52,550 I am sorry to bother you. I'm just moving in next door. 68 00:03:52,551 --> 00:03:55,016 - Really? - Mm-hm. 69 00:03:55,017 --> 00:03:57,899 - You're my new neighbor? - Mm. 70 00:03:57,900 --> 00:04:00,155 Thank you, God. 71 00:04:00,156 --> 00:04:02,787 Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and introduce myself. 72 00:04:02,788 --> 00:04:05,294 - Danielle Stewart. - Charlie Harper. 73 00:04:05,295 --> 00:04:08,093 - Nice to meet you, Danielle. Come on in. - Oh, thank you. 74 00:04:08,094 --> 00:04:11,143 We'll have a "welcome to the neighborhood" drink. 75 00:04:11,144 --> 00:04:12,563 It's 9 a. m. 76 00:04:12,564 --> 00:04:16,191 Oh, right. Pfft. Who drinks at 9 a. m.? 77 00:04:16,952 --> 00:04:18,664 I wouldn't mind a cup of coffee. 78 00:04:18,665 --> 00:04:20,460 - Ah. Great. - All right. 79 00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:22,965 - Oh, Berta. - What? 80 00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:27,502 My faithful housekeeper. Ahem. 81 00:04:28,608 --> 00:04:32,159 Would you be so kind as to bring a cup of coffee for our new neighbor? 82 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:35,460 Sure. Luckiest SOB on the planet. 83 00:04:37,341 --> 00:04:39,845 - Please. - Oh. Thank you. 84 00:04:40,014 --> 00:04:43,691 So, Danielle, what brings you to our little stretch of paradise? 85 00:04:43,692 --> 00:04:47,660 Me? Well, I just got tired of the cold winters in Chicago. 86 00:04:47,661 --> 00:04:50,166 Well, I don't wanna scare you away, but winters here... 87 00:04:50,167 --> 00:04:52,548 ...the mercury can dip down to the mid-60s. 88 00:04:52,549 --> 00:04:58,329 - Oh, no. How will I stay warm? - I recommend the buddy system. 89 00:04:58,398 --> 00:05:00,903 - You're cute. - I know. 90 00:05:01,365 --> 00:05:03,286 So, what did you do in Chicago? 91 00:05:03,287 --> 00:05:05,082 Uh, well, for the last eight years... 92 00:05:05,083 --> 00:05:08,216 ...I've had a full-time career trying to spend my divorce settlement. 93 00:05:08,217 --> 00:05:10,721 Oh. A working woman. 94 00:05:11,727 --> 00:05:15,110 Buying a Malibu beach house ought to take a chunk out of that settlement. 95 00:05:15,111 --> 00:05:17,615 Yeah, you'd think. 96 00:05:18,077 --> 00:05:19,956 Whoa. 97 00:05:19,957 --> 00:05:22,129 Anyway, I've had my fun. 98 00:05:22,130 --> 00:05:24,385 I wanna settle down, get serious with my life. 99 00:05:24,386 --> 00:05:26,850 Oh, yeah. Me too. 100 00:05:26,851 --> 00:05:30,654 No kidding? So are you married? Ha. 101 00:05:31,155 --> 00:05:34,121 Me? Uh, no. 102 00:05:35,124 --> 00:05:36,961 You looking to get married? Ha, ha. 103 00:05:36,962 --> 00:05:38,508 Uh... 104 00:05:38,509 --> 00:05:41,013 No. 105 00:05:41,182 --> 00:05:43,354 Do you like children? 106 00:05:43,355 --> 00:05:44,774 Uh... 107 00:05:44,775 --> 00:05:46,487 No. 108 00:05:46,488 --> 00:05:52,044 Ha, ha. So how do you define "getting serious with your life"? 109 00:05:52,045 --> 00:05:56,022 Well, I've stopped drinking in the morning. 110 00:05:56,391 --> 00:06:00,234 - Hey, Berta. Ahem. Where's that coffee? - You men are all alike. 111 00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:01,612 Isn't there anyone left... 112 00:06:01,613 --> 00:06:04,537 ...who just wants to get married and raise a family? 113 00:06:04,538 --> 00:06:07,042 Yeah, but they're all gay. 114 00:06:08,757 --> 00:06:12,057 - Here we go. - Oh, thank you. Oh, uh... 115 00:06:12,058 --> 00:06:17,788 ...you wouldn't happen to have any acidophilus milk, would you? 116 00:06:22,128 --> 00:06:24,132 Walk me through this again. 117 00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:26,263 She's beautiful, rich, divorced... 118 00:06:26,264 --> 00:06:30,149 ...and you wanna hand her off to Zippy the Chimp? 119 00:06:30,150 --> 00:06:33,451 Okay. Follow my reasoning here. 120 00:06:33,617 --> 00:06:35,538 This is a woman looking to settle down. 121 00:06:35,539 --> 00:06:38,546 If I sleep with her, I'm happy for one night. 122 00:06:38,547 --> 00:06:40,845 But if I teach my brother to sleep with her... 123 00:06:40,846 --> 00:06:43,560 ...he falls in love, asks her to marry him, moves out... 124 00:06:43,561 --> 00:06:46,986 ...and I'm happy for the rest of my life. 125 00:06:46,987 --> 00:06:51,582 - It's a nice plan, but it'll never happen. - Don't- Don't- Don't say that. 126 00:06:51,583 --> 00:06:55,384 - Unjinx, unjinx, unjinx. - Charlie, she is way out of his league. 127 00:06:55,385 --> 00:06:58,894 Pfft. I know that. Everybody's out of his league. 128 00:06:58,895 --> 00:07:01,400 He doesn't even have a league. 129 00:07:01,401 --> 00:07:05,537 He's just a kid with a bat and a ball and a football helmet. 130 00:07:05,538 --> 00:07:09,675 - But luckily, he has me. - Color me dubious. 131 00:07:09,758 --> 00:07:11,387 I'm home. 132 00:07:11,388 --> 00:07:13,643 Come on, I need you to be with me on this one. 133 00:07:13,644 --> 00:07:16,148 It'll never work. 134 00:07:18,073 --> 00:07:21,414 This... is acidophilus milk. 135 00:07:21,582 --> 00:07:26,845 It is on the shelf below the 2-percent, right next to the low-fat yogurt. 136 00:07:26,846 --> 00:07:30,873 Boy, does your brother have a girl for you. 137 00:07:32,278 --> 00:07:34,617 - What? - She just moved next door. 138 00:07:34,618 --> 00:07:36,957 She's gorgeous, divorced and loaded. 139 00:07:36,958 --> 00:07:39,004 Uh-huh. What's wrong with her? 140 00:07:39,005 --> 00:07:41,343 Why does something have to be wrong with her? 141 00:07:41,344 --> 00:07:44,309 Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman: 142 00:07:44,310 --> 00:07:47,151 You either need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed... 143 00:07:47,152 --> 00:07:49,658 ...or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy... 144 00:07:49,659 --> 00:07:53,294 ...while you do the pretty girl, or... 145 00:07:53,460 --> 00:07:56,510 Okay, I guess there's just one reason. 146 00:07:56,511 --> 00:07:58,725 There is nothing wrong with Danielle. 147 00:07:58,726 --> 00:08:04,155 - Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous? - Hey, I'd do her. 148 00:08:05,620 --> 00:08:07,707 If she's so great, why give her to me? 149 00:08:07,708 --> 00:08:12,512 - You want the truth? - It'd be a nice change of pace. 150 00:08:12,513 --> 00:08:14,476 All right, first of all... 151 00:08:14,477 --> 00:08:18,780 ...I am sorry about the hermaphroditic incident. 152 00:08:18,781 --> 00:08:21,871 "I'm sorry" does not make up for leaving me in a hotel room... 153 00:08:21,872 --> 00:08:25,609 ...with a girl who had a vestigial penis. 154 00:08:25,633 --> 00:08:28,640 I didn't know. I was as surprised as you were. 155 00:08:28,641 --> 00:08:32,588 Charlie, no one was as surprised as I was. 156 00:08:33,487 --> 00:08:35,367 But let's move on. 157 00:08:35,368 --> 00:08:39,001 Okay, now, I'm not saying I didn't try to hit on our new neighbor, because I did. 158 00:08:39,002 --> 00:08:40,381 - And? - I got nowhere. 159 00:08:40,382 --> 00:08:45,686 She saw him for the mindless meat-seeking missile that he is. 160 00:08:45,687 --> 00:08:49,321 Anyway, I just thought you two might hit it off. 161 00:08:49,322 --> 00:08:52,914 I'm even making a little welcome basket for you to give to her, see? 162 00:08:52,915 --> 00:08:56,201 So she's beautiful, rich and single. 163 00:08:56,551 --> 00:08:58,555 - Right. - Why would she want me? 164 00:08:58,556 --> 00:09:02,274 What kind of thing is that to say? Why wouldn't she want you? 165 00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:05,700 I'm broke, middle-aged, twice divorced, sleeping on your Hide-A-Bed... 166 00:09:05,701 --> 00:09:10,880 ...and sharing custody of a flatulent, underachieving son. 167 00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:14,971 We're gonna need a bigger basket. 168 00:09:15,018 --> 00:09:18,755 You're gonna need chloroform and a rope. 169 00:09:22,288 --> 00:09:26,339 Just remember, the most important thing is to project confidence. 170 00:09:26,340 --> 00:09:28,844 Got it. How do I look? 171 00:09:29,933 --> 00:09:32,438 Just project confidence. 172 00:09:35,490 --> 00:09:39,459 - Here, you give her the welcome basket. - All right. Well, what do I say? 173 00:09:39,460 --> 00:09:42,856 - "Welcome." - Oh, good. That's good. 174 00:09:43,846 --> 00:09:46,354 - Oh, hi. Heh. - Welcome. 175 00:09:47,482 --> 00:09:49,486 Uh, thanks. Ha, ha. 176 00:09:49,487 --> 00:09:52,160 Danielle, this is my brother, Alan. Alan, Danielle. 177 00:09:52,161 --> 00:09:55,043 Alan just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood. 178 00:09:55,044 --> 00:09:57,548 Welcome. 179 00:09:58,553 --> 00:10:01,338 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 180 00:10:02,231 --> 00:10:04,444 Would you like to come in? 181 00:10:04,445 --> 00:10:07,619 - I don't know, she seems kind of busy. - Go, go, go. 182 00:10:07,620 --> 00:10:11,630 - I'm sorry that the place is such a mess. - Don't be silly. 183 00:10:11,631 --> 00:10:14,262 Moving takes time, right, Alan? 184 00:10:14,263 --> 00:10:18,106 Oh, yes, uh, I remember the last time I moved, it was very time-consuming. 185 00:10:18,107 --> 00:10:20,571 I had to collect boxes and those packing peanuts. 186 00:10:20,572 --> 00:10:22,911 - Boy, those things get everywhere. - Yeah. 187 00:10:22,912 --> 00:10:26,587 Hey, that's summer sausage, not salami. A lot of people confuse the two. 188 00:10:26,588 --> 00:10:29,093 Ha, ha. Interesting. Heh. 189 00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:33,941 Ahem. So why don't I, uh, open up this wine and we can toast to my new home? 190 00:10:33,942 --> 00:10:38,740 - Good idea. - None for me. Red wine makes me gassy. 191 00:10:40,459 --> 00:10:44,219 Sorry, I don't have anything else to offer. I haven't had time to go shopping. 192 00:10:44,220 --> 00:10:48,147 Well, then you must be starving. We should take this young lady to dinner. 193 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:52,617 But I was planning on warming up the pot roast from Sunday night. 194 00:10:52,618 --> 00:10:57,213 - The pot roast will keep. - I don't know, it's right on the edge. 195 00:10:57,214 --> 00:11:00,221 Forget the pot roast. So, what do you say? 196 00:11:00,222 --> 00:11:02,937 We could walk up the beach to Georgio's and grab a bite. 197 00:11:02,938 --> 00:11:05,862 That sounds wonderful. Let me throw on some clean clothes. 198 00:11:05,863 --> 00:11:10,080 - Terrific. - All right, I will be right back. 199 00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:13,800 Ah, ah? 200 00:11:13,801 --> 00:11:17,895 - She's incredible. - Incredible, my ass. She's perfect. 201 00:11:17,896 --> 00:11:20,443 Okay. A couple of pointers. Ahem. 202 00:11:20,444 --> 00:11:24,454 - First off, you never open with gassy. - I know. 203 00:11:24,455 --> 00:11:27,588 - I know that. It just came out. - It's all right, it's all right. 204 00:11:27,589 --> 00:11:29,134 - No permanent damage. - Mm. 205 00:11:29,135 --> 00:11:31,056 Now, what's gonna happen here... 206 00:11:31,057 --> 00:11:33,772 ...is I'm gonna bail on dinner so you two can be alone. 207 00:11:33,773 --> 00:11:37,281 Really? Because Georgio's is kind of pricey. 208 00:11:37,282 --> 00:11:40,917 Ah, jeez. Here. 209 00:11:41,084 --> 00:11:45,010 - Tip big. Don't agonize over the math. - I don't agonize. 210 00:11:45,011 --> 00:11:48,436 I just take the sales tax and double it, which is roughly 15 percent. 211 00:11:48,437 --> 00:11:50,609 Unless the service is less than impeccable... 212 00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:53,158 ...in which case, I leave a flat $5. 213 00:11:53,159 --> 00:11:55,832 Alan, it's my money, go crazy. 214 00:11:55,833 --> 00:11:58,674 Fine. Eighteen percent it is. 215 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,684 Now, dinner conversation. 216 00:12:02,685 --> 00:12:06,486 Don't talk about your boring job, your petty problems, or your stupid hobbies. 217 00:12:06,487 --> 00:12:07,698 What else is there? 218 00:12:07,699 --> 00:12:10,539 Her. Her petty problems, her stupid hobbies. 219 00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:12,335 No woman ever came home from a date... 220 00:12:12,336 --> 00:12:14,843 ...complaining that all she did was talk about herself. 221 00:12:14,844 --> 00:12:19,439 Oh, that's good. And that way, I remain an enigma. 222 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:22,325 Yeah, let's call you an enigma. 223 00:12:23,199 --> 00:12:25,957 Alrighty. So do I look okay? 224 00:12:26,124 --> 00:12:30,303 You look beautiful, fantastic. Right, Alan? 225 00:12:30,971 --> 00:12:33,475 Welcome. 226 00:12:34,271 --> 00:12:36,776 Okay, ahem, let's go. 227 00:12:43,004 --> 00:12:45,889 All right, let me just lock up. 228 00:12:46,137 --> 00:12:50,375 - Oh, no. - What do you mean, you have to go? 229 00:12:54,702 --> 00:12:57,207 I mean, uh, what's wrong? 230 00:12:58,671 --> 00:13:01,345 I just remembered I have some work I need to do. 231 00:13:01,346 --> 00:13:03,559 Oh, no. 232 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:06,609 Oh, what a shame. Maybe we should do this another time. 233 00:13:06,610 --> 00:13:07,987 - No, no. - No, no. 234 00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:10,370 - You go ahead, enjoy yourselves. - Are you sure? 235 00:13:10,371 --> 00:13:13,921 - He's sure. Let's go. - Okay. See you later, Charlie. 236 00:13:13,922 --> 00:13:18,139 So, Danielle, you got any hobbies or problems? 237 00:13:22,277 --> 00:13:24,910 Yes, I know she's hot. 238 00:13:28,963 --> 00:13:32,589 But I'm thinking long-term, so shut up. 239 00:13:38,916 --> 00:13:41,129 - Hey. - Hey, where have you been? 240 00:13:41,130 --> 00:13:44,430 Stuck in traffic. Danielle's coming over in a few minutes. 241 00:13:44,431 --> 00:13:47,438 - Gotta shower and change. - Wow, you two are going out again? 242 00:13:47,439 --> 00:13:50,864 What can I say, Charlie? The girl digs my mojo. 243 00:13:50,865 --> 00:13:53,370 When did you get mojo? 244 00:13:53,414 --> 00:13:55,836 Scoff if you like, but that woman is entranced... 245 00:13:55,837 --> 00:13:59,894 ...by the enigma that is Alan Jerome Harper. 246 00:14:00,183 --> 00:14:04,193 - Unbelievable. Your plan is working. - Told you. 247 00:14:04,194 --> 00:14:08,705 - There's something wrong with that girl. - There must be a lot wrong with that girl. 248 00:14:08,706 --> 00:14:12,047 Well, then it's a match made in heaven. There's something wrong with her. 249 00:14:12,048 --> 00:14:15,264 We know there's something wrong with him. 250 00:14:15,265 --> 00:14:18,482 Yeah, and before you know it, he'll move out, they'll get married... 251 00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:23,572 ...and we'll be wondering what's wrong with their kids. 252 00:14:24,081 --> 00:14:26,169 - Hey, Charlie. - Hey, Danielle. Come on in. 253 00:14:26,170 --> 00:14:28,384 - Thank you. - Oh, man. 254 00:14:28,385 --> 00:14:33,857 If the kid wants to kill me, why doesn't he just cut my brake line? 255 00:14:33,858 --> 00:14:36,782 - Alan's in the shower. - Am I too early? 256 00:14:36,783 --> 00:14:39,540 No, no. No, he's been living here for three years. 257 00:14:39,541 --> 00:14:41,753 - You want a drink? - Uh, no, thank you. 258 00:14:41,754 --> 00:14:45,054 - I'm trying to cut down. - Really? Why? 259 00:14:45,055 --> 00:14:48,816 - Long story. - Alan takes long showers. 260 00:14:48,983 --> 00:14:53,571 - Longer when he's not dating. - Thank you, Berta. 261 00:14:57,130 --> 00:14:59,218 So tell me your story. 262 00:14:59,219 --> 00:15:04,232 - Oh, it's a little embarrassing. - Hey, all the good drinking stories are. 263 00:15:04,233 --> 00:15:07,908 After partying at the Pomona State Fair, I once woke up on a Tilt-A-Whirl... 264 00:15:07,909 --> 00:15:12,839 ...wearing nothing but a grass skirt and a tiny sombrero. 265 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:17,560 - No kidding? Ha, ha. - I've still got the sombrero. 266 00:15:17,561 --> 00:15:19,608 Okay, your turn. 267 00:15:19,609 --> 00:15:22,113 Oh. All right. Um... 268 00:15:22,825 --> 00:15:26,642 The reason my marriage didn't work out... 269 00:15:26,753 --> 00:15:29,426 ...the reason none of my relationships work out... 270 00:15:29,427 --> 00:15:32,601 ...is because I tend to drink a little too much... 271 00:15:32,602 --> 00:15:35,437 ...and then do things I regret. 272 00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:39,245 - And by "things" you mean...? - Men. 273 00:15:39,914 --> 00:15:41,124 Huh. 274 00:15:41,125 --> 00:15:43,547 And the occasional woman. 275 00:15:43,548 --> 00:15:46,053 Huh. 276 00:15:48,479 --> 00:15:52,990 Well, as stories go, I'd say this is a good one. 277 00:15:52,991 --> 00:15:58,923 At least yours doesn't end with a toothless carny offering you a churro. 278 00:15:58,924 --> 00:16:02,349 You know, I had a feeling you'd understand. 279 00:16:02,350 --> 00:16:04,438 You know, Alan is very sweet. 280 00:16:04,439 --> 00:16:07,196 But the guys I usually go for are more like... 281 00:16:07,197 --> 00:16:09,369 ...well, you. 282 00:16:09,370 --> 00:16:11,708 Huh. 283 00:16:11,709 --> 00:16:17,392 Anyway, I think I am ready for a nice, normal relationship. 284 00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:18,978 No more getting blitzed... 285 00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:23,073 ...and falling into bed with the first guy who asks me. 286 00:16:23,074 --> 00:16:27,085 Or girl. Or couple. 287 00:16:28,422 --> 00:16:30,926 Huh. 288 00:16:33,979 --> 00:16:36,610 Huh, huh, huh. 289 00:16:39,535 --> 00:16:42,040 Excuse me. 290 00:16:45,594 --> 00:16:46,804 Okay, new plan. 291 00:16:46,805 --> 00:16:52,345 I'm gonna boink Danielle and Alan's gonna live here forever. 292 00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,213 Oh. 293 00:16:59,214 --> 00:17:02,639 - Hello. - It's not your night, Alan. 294 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:05,856 - What? - Danielle. She's not right for you. 295 00:17:05,857 --> 00:17:08,697 - But you said she was perfect for me. - I was wrong. 296 00:17:08,698 --> 00:17:13,419 She's sick and twisted. That makes her perfect for me. 297 00:17:13,420 --> 00:17:17,054 - I'm sorry, I'm not following. - I was talking to her out there. 298 00:17:17,055 --> 00:17:19,895 And it turns out she's a boozehound and a sex freak. 299 00:17:19,896 --> 00:17:22,485 What? I haven't seen that in her at all. 300 00:17:22,486 --> 00:17:24,241 I mean, I got a good-night kiss... 301 00:17:24,242 --> 00:17:27,415 ...but she was perfectly sober and her tongue did nothing freaky. 302 00:17:27,416 --> 00:17:29,922 That's because she's trying to hide who she really is. 303 00:17:29,923 --> 00:17:33,306 - And who's that? - Me. She's me, Alan, top to bottom. 304 00:17:33,307 --> 00:17:36,440 Except, you know, from here to here. 305 00:17:36,441 --> 00:17:38,070 So, what is it you want me to do? 306 00:17:38,071 --> 00:17:41,370 Step aside so you can lead her back to a life of sordid degradation? 307 00:17:41,371 --> 00:17:46,050 - If you wouldn't mind. - No, no, no. You gave her to me. 308 00:17:46,051 --> 00:17:48,222 - There's no takebacks. - All right, fine. 309 00:17:48,223 --> 00:17:55,236 - We'll just let her make her own decision. - All right. May the better man win. 310 00:17:56,120 --> 00:18:00,949 You should probably be rooting for the shriveled man. 311 00:18:02,012 --> 00:18:05,687 - Now, now, just a little. Ha. - You got it. 312 00:18:05,688 --> 00:18:09,029 - That is a beautiful dress. - Oh, thank you. Ha, ha. 313 00:18:09,030 --> 00:18:11,872 - Whoops. - Ooh. Ha, ha. 314 00:18:12,415 --> 00:18:15,799 - Sorry. - Ha. That's okay. Ha, ha. 315 00:18:16,969 --> 00:18:18,513 Mm, mm. 316 00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:22,108 Buttery, with a slight citrus finish. 317 00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:24,779 Hmm. 318 00:18:30,380 --> 00:18:32,885 Ahh. 319 00:18:34,266 --> 00:18:36,770 So you know wine. 320 00:18:37,274 --> 00:18:40,909 Okay, Danielle, we'd better get going if we're gonna make our reservation. 321 00:18:40,910 --> 00:18:42,872 You're right. Thanks for the wine, Charlie. 322 00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:45,755 Whoa, what's the hurry? I was gonna make a pitcher of margaritas. 323 00:18:45,756 --> 00:18:49,849 - Oh. I love margaritas. - I'll be right back. 324 00:18:49,850 --> 00:18:53,234 Gee, Danielle, do you really wanna sit here and drink with Charlie? 325 00:18:53,235 --> 00:18:54,655 Oh. 326 00:18:54,656 --> 00:18:59,334 You know what? You're right, Alan. You're a nice guy. You're good for me. 327 00:18:59,335 --> 00:19:02,843 - Okay. Charlie, we're leaving. CHARLIE: Wait, wait, wait. 328 00:19:02,844 --> 00:19:06,478 If you don't have time for margaritas, I could mix one up in your mouth. 329 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,651 Cut it out. I know what you're trying to do. 330 00:19:08,652 --> 00:19:11,952 - What? I'm being a good host. - You're taking advantage of Danielle. 331 00:19:11,953 --> 00:19:14,626 - No, I respect Danielle for who she is. So do I. 332 00:19:14,627 --> 00:19:17,759 CHARLIE: No, no, you respect Danielle for who she's pretending to be. 333 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,642 I don't get you. Why did you bother putting us together? 334 00:19:20,643 --> 00:19:23,525 Because I thought she was dull and boring like you. 335 00:19:23,526 --> 00:19:27,286 And I had hoped the two of you would go and be dull and boring at her house. 336 00:19:27,287 --> 00:19:29,374 That was really your plan? That's insane. 337 00:19:29,375 --> 00:19:31,881 It would've worked if she wasn't a drunken slut. 338 00:19:31,882 --> 00:19:34,389 Whoa, whoa, whoa... 339 00:19:35,935 --> 00:19:39,110 There is no need to fight over me. 340 00:19:39,361 --> 00:19:42,453 Alan, you're a sweet, gentle guy. 341 00:19:43,163 --> 00:19:46,172 Charlie, you're a pig. 342 00:19:46,673 --> 00:19:49,508 But I find you very attractive. 343 00:19:49,639 --> 00:19:55,469 There's only one reasonable solution. I'll have to do you both. 344 00:20:00,794 --> 00:20:03,344 No crossing swords. 345 00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:07,354 Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this? 346 00:20:07,355 --> 00:20:11,866 Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you. 347 00:20:11,867 --> 00:20:16,921 Uh, thank you for your generous offer, but I'm afraid we must decline. 348 00:20:16,922 --> 00:20:19,427 But mostly, he's afraid. 349 00:20:19,931 --> 00:20:24,038 Ah, should've known. Not a pair between you. 350 00:20:24,275 --> 00:20:28,160 All right, well, if either of you change your mind... 351 00:20:28,161 --> 00:20:30,836 ...you know where to find me. 352 00:20:36,141 --> 00:20:38,645 Okay, you can have her. 353 00:20:42,985 --> 00:20:45,489 "One pound salted butter." 354 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:49,838 "One dozen extra-large eggs." 355 00:20:50,297 --> 00:20:54,768 "And one acidophilus milk for the whiny pinhead." 356 00:20:54,935 --> 00:20:57,357 I thought I was the only one who drank this stuff. 357 00:20:57,358 --> 00:20:58,694 What? 358 00:20:58,695 --> 00:21:02,983 Ha, ha. Are you kidding me? It's all I drink. 359 00:21:03,375 --> 00:21:06,550 You know, for the intestinal fauna. 360 00:21:07,093 --> 00:21:08,471 That's all you drink? 361 00:21:08,472 --> 00:21:11,479 Well, I've been known to add a few fingers of vodka. 362 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:15,575 Kind of an "acidophi-tini." 363 00:21:17,079 --> 00:21:20,589 - You're cute. - So I've been told. 364 00:21:22,761 --> 00:21:27,288 I can't. I promised Berta I'd get the groceries. 365 00:21:27,816 --> 00:21:30,321 You're right. 366 00:21:30,449 --> 00:21:32,953 You're always right.