1 00:00:04,816 --> 00:00:06,901 I had a great dream last night. 2 00:00:06,902 --> 00:00:08,401 - Really? - Yeah. 3 00:00:08,402 --> 00:00:13,822 I dreamed I got locked in a house made of doughnuts and had to eat my way out. 4 00:00:13,823 --> 00:00:19,912 Interesting. I had a similar dream, only no house and no doughnuts. 5 00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:21,829 - Morning. Morning. 6 00:00:21,830 --> 00:00:23,121 Morning. 7 00:00:23,122 --> 00:00:25,872 So, uh, how'd everybody sleep? 8 00:00:27,834 --> 00:00:30,002 Uncle Charlie and I both had dreams about eating. 9 00:00:30,003 --> 00:00:33,713 Mine was with doughnuts, his was something dirty. 10 00:00:33,714 --> 00:00:36,132 He's just guessing. 11 00:00:36,133 --> 00:00:38,467 Good guess. 12 00:00:38,468 --> 00:00:41,748 And, yes, Alan, we see your earring. 13 00:00:41,763 --> 00:00:42,970 Pretty cool, right? 14 00:00:42,971 --> 00:00:48,580 Yeah, if you're going to a Wham! concert with Molly Ringwald. 15 00:00:48,934 --> 00:00:50,810 - I think it's cool. - Thank you, Jake. 16 00:00:50,811 --> 00:00:52,936 - Can I get my ear pierced? - No. 17 00:00:52,937 --> 00:00:57,273 - Why not? - You can't keep the holes you have clean. 18 00:00:57,274 --> 00:00:58,858 And you're too young. 19 00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:02,402 Wait till you're old, desperate and living in your brother's house. 20 00:01:02,403 --> 00:01:06,448 Mock me all you want, but there's a certain lady who thinks it's darn sexy. 21 00:01:06,449 --> 00:01:09,408 First of all, I don't need permission to mock you. 22 00:01:09,409 --> 00:01:13,745 But more importantly, you let some broad talk you into piercing your ear? 23 00:01:13,746 --> 00:01:18,455 Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce. 24 00:01:18,791 --> 00:01:21,291 What else can you pierce? 25 00:01:22,961 --> 00:01:24,837 Nothing. 26 00:01:24,838 --> 00:01:28,217 Fine, don't tell me. I'll Google it. 27 00:01:28,340 --> 00:01:31,590 Don't worry. He can't spell pierce. 28 00:01:31,844 --> 00:01:34,343 He can't spell Google. 29 00:01:34,846 --> 00:01:37,973 So who's Princess Poke-a-Hole? 30 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:41,726 Oh, just a nice young woman with a sewing needle and a potato. 31 00:01:41,727 --> 00:01:42,976 A potato? 32 00:01:42,977 --> 00:01:46,021 Yeah. She put it behind my lobe, sort of like a pincushion. 33 00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:48,521 Oh. So you're a moron. 34 00:01:49,024 --> 00:01:51,317 It's perfectly safe. She sterilized the needle. 35 00:01:51,318 --> 00:01:54,028 - How? - With alcohol. 36 00:01:56,071 --> 00:01:58,570 Okay, Kahlúa. 37 00:01:58,781 --> 00:02:02,270 Well, I guess I owe morons an apology. 38 00:02:02,909 --> 00:02:05,839 You do know that's the gay ear. 39 00:02:10,166 --> 00:02:12,207 What? 40 00:02:12,208 --> 00:02:15,252 Left ear says, "I'm a hipster from the disco era." 41 00:02:15,253 --> 00:02:18,171 Right ear says, "Let's disco." 42 00:02:22,216 --> 00:02:23,717 No, no, that can't be right. 43 00:02:23,718 --> 00:02:26,218 Okay, don't believe me. 44 00:02:26,387 --> 00:02:30,246 Hey, look who's finally out of the closet. 45 00:02:51,365 --> 00:02:52,906 - Berta? - Yeah? 46 00:02:52,907 --> 00:02:56,586 - What are you doing? - Making your bed. 47 00:02:56,660 --> 00:02:58,703 Well, I'd like to take a nap. 48 00:02:58,704 --> 00:03:02,853 Hop in. You can spoon me, but it ends there. 49 00:03:03,249 --> 00:03:06,459 - Are you sick? - Yeah, I'm sick. 50 00:03:06,626 --> 00:03:09,586 I'm sick of staying up all night with a screaming baby... 51 00:03:09,587 --> 00:03:14,215 ...while my daughter's out trolling the waterfront for the father of her next one. 52 00:03:14,216 --> 00:03:16,008 Whoa, that's rough. 53 00:03:16,009 --> 00:03:19,428 Oh, don't feign interest in my life, Charlie. 54 00:03:19,429 --> 00:03:25,141 Sorry, I- I see a woman in my bed, I instinctively start lying. 55 00:03:25,142 --> 00:03:27,809 Close the door on your way out. 56 00:03:27,810 --> 00:03:30,310 Okay. 57 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,818 No. No, this is ridiculous. 58 00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:39,193 - Berta- - Get out. 59 00:03:39,194 --> 00:03:41,693 Sleep tight. 60 00:03:45,416 --> 00:03:46,957 Hello? Ow! 61 00:03:46,958 --> 00:03:48,459 Ooh... 62 00:03:48,460 --> 00:03:50,336 Uh, hello? 63 00:03:50,337 --> 00:03:54,297 Oh. Oh, hi. Uh, no, no, it's just a little tender. 64 00:03:54,298 --> 00:03:57,007 I'm glad you called. I missed you too. 65 00:03:57,008 --> 00:03:59,843 Yeah, yeah, last night was fun. Ha, ha. 66 00:03:59,844 --> 00:04:02,261 You won't believe who's in my bed. 67 00:04:02,262 --> 00:04:03,596 Hang on. 68 00:04:03,597 --> 00:04:06,097 I never do... 69 00:04:06,432 --> 00:04:08,516 ...but I'm on the phone right now. 70 00:04:08,517 --> 00:04:11,436 Ow! Aah. Damn it. 71 00:04:11,603 --> 00:04:13,604 Uh, listen, how about tonight? 72 00:04:13,605 --> 00:04:16,105 Oh, great, great. The usual place? 73 00:04:16,106 --> 00:04:17,440 I will see you then. 74 00:04:17,441 --> 00:04:19,941 Okay. Bye-bye. 75 00:04:20,319 --> 00:04:22,818 Berta's in my bed. 76 00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:24,279 Really? 77 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:28,429 Couldn't you just pay her in cash this week? 78 00:04:28,909 --> 00:04:31,408 Ow! 79 00:04:31,535 --> 00:04:35,371 There are some things we don't joke about. 80 00:04:35,372 --> 00:04:38,791 Okay, so why is Berta in your bed? 81 00:04:39,250 --> 00:04:42,126 Apparently, her daughter's been out partying every night... 82 00:04:42,127 --> 00:04:44,128 - ...and Berta's been stuck with the baby. - Oh. 83 00:04:44,129 --> 00:04:46,379 That's gotta be rough. 84 00:04:46,380 --> 00:04:49,632 Don't feign interest in her life, Alan. 85 00:04:49,633 --> 00:04:52,634 Sorry. Oh, hey, hey, listen, can you watch Jake tonight? 86 00:04:52,635 --> 00:04:54,928 Why, you wanna see if your new lady friend... 87 00:04:54,929 --> 00:04:57,013 ...can infect other parts of your body? 88 00:04:57,014 --> 00:05:00,349 It's not infected. A certain amount of swelling is perfectly normal. 89 00:05:00,350 --> 00:05:04,209 Where'd it say that, Alan, on the potato? 90 00:05:07,189 --> 00:05:09,440 You at least gonna tell me who this woman is? 91 00:05:09,441 --> 00:05:11,816 It's nobody you know. 92 00:05:11,817 --> 00:05:14,317 Oh. So I know her. 93 00:05:15,237 --> 00:05:18,196 - I didn't say that. - You didn't have to. 94 00:05:18,197 --> 00:05:21,782 Now, let's see. Who do I know that you'd like to keep a secret? 95 00:05:21,783 --> 00:05:24,201 - You're wasting your time. - One of your ex-wives? 96 00:05:24,202 --> 00:05:26,953 - Ha, ha. - Rose? Berta's daughter? 97 00:05:26,954 --> 00:05:29,464 Berta's daughter? Ha-ha-ha. 98 00:05:31,249 --> 00:05:33,709 No, don't- Don't be ridiculous. 99 00:05:33,710 --> 00:05:36,209 Ha-ha-ha. 100 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,837 That's rich. Ha, ha. 101 00:05:46,678 --> 00:05:48,846 I'm tired. Shouldn't I be in bed? 102 00:05:48,847 --> 00:05:50,972 Shut up and deal. 103 00:05:50,973 --> 00:05:53,391 Look, I'll give you back the money I won. 104 00:05:53,392 --> 00:05:57,991 You didn't win it till we stop playing. Now deal. 105 00:05:59,022 --> 00:06:01,689 - What's he doing up? - Not now, Alan. 106 00:06:01,690 --> 00:06:04,150 I'm all in. 107 00:06:04,151 --> 00:06:06,317 - Jake, bed. - Hold on, Dad. 108 00:06:06,318 --> 00:06:08,818 Call you. Pocket aces. 109 00:06:09,030 --> 00:06:13,323 - What do you got? - You heard your father, go to bed. 110 00:06:13,324 --> 00:06:16,393 Been betting on garbage all night. 111 00:06:17,035 --> 00:06:19,620 You let a 12-year-old beat you at poker? 112 00:06:19,621 --> 00:06:22,120 He's 12 and a half. 113 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,541 What's going on with your ear, Dumbo? 114 00:06:25,542 --> 00:06:28,878 It's just a little swelling. It's normal. 115 00:06:28,879 --> 00:06:33,298 Better pierce the other one. You don't wanna be flying around in circles. 116 00:06:33,299 --> 00:06:36,883 It's fine. Listen, there's something I need to get off my chest. 117 00:06:36,884 --> 00:06:40,386 If you don't see a doctor soon, it'll be your earlobe. 118 00:06:40,387 --> 00:06:43,097 - Are you gonna listen or what? - Sorry. I'm all ears. 119 00:06:43,098 --> 00:06:45,557 No, wait, that's you. 120 00:06:45,558 --> 00:06:49,102 - You know what, forget about it. - No, no, no. Come on. Talk to me. 121 00:06:49,103 --> 00:06:52,312 - It's about the girl I'm dating. - Berta's daughter. 122 00:06:52,313 --> 00:06:54,813 How did you know? 123 00:06:55,150 --> 00:07:00,652 Your idiot son doesn't have a single tell, but you I can read like a stop sign. 124 00:07:00,653 --> 00:07:03,864 Okay. I was gonna build up to a big reveal, but- 125 00:07:03,865 --> 00:07:06,364 Just cut to the chase. 126 00:07:06,825 --> 00:07:10,202 You remember how I had a little crush on Naomi when she was pregnant? 127 00:07:10,203 --> 00:07:14,706 A little crush? You were like a monkey trying to hump a watermelon. 128 00:07:14,707 --> 00:07:18,000 - Are you gonna let me tell the story? - I'm just fact-checking. 129 00:07:18,001 --> 00:07:21,794 - Go ahead. - Anyway, after she had the baby... 130 00:07:21,795 --> 00:07:24,672 ...we stayed in touch and I got to know her and the baby... 131 00:07:24,673 --> 00:07:27,257 ...and I'm starting to care about both of them. 132 00:07:27,258 --> 00:07:31,617 Oh, buddy, you got a heart as big as your ear. 133 00:07:32,762 --> 00:07:35,346 But you're falling into the same trap you always do. 134 00:07:35,347 --> 00:07:38,474 - What's that? - You're a pathological rescuer. 135 00:07:38,475 --> 00:07:42,102 Ever since you were a kid, bringing home that stray three-legged cat. 136 00:07:42,103 --> 00:07:44,479 Oh, yeah, Tippy. 137 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:48,816 Finding the sick baby bird, feeding it with an eyedropper, nursing it back to health. 138 00:07:48,817 --> 00:07:51,316 Until Tippy ate it. 139 00:07:51,610 --> 00:07:53,736 And it's the same thing with women. 140 00:07:53,737 --> 00:07:57,739 You constantly seek out these damaged, needy broads. 141 00:07:57,740 --> 00:07:59,324 You know, you're right. 142 00:07:59,325 --> 00:08:03,119 Maybe subconsciously, I'm hoping that if I save them, they'll love me. 143 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:07,247 Perhaps. Or subconsciously, you realize the only way an emotionally healthy... 144 00:08:07,248 --> 00:08:11,834 ...self-supporting woman would pick you up is on a scavenger hunt. 145 00:08:11,835 --> 00:08:14,379 But we digress. 146 00:08:14,546 --> 00:08:17,588 Please, continue with your star-crossed love story. 147 00:08:17,589 --> 00:08:21,049 Well, Naomi and I have been sneaking around behind Berta's back... 148 00:08:21,050 --> 00:08:23,468 ...and I'm starting to feel guilty about it. 149 00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:24,719 You want my advice? 150 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:29,265 Live with the guilt and see a doctor before that thing grows teeth. 151 00:08:29,266 --> 00:08:32,141 Don't you think the honorable thing would be to tell Berta? 152 00:08:32,142 --> 00:08:35,268 Sure, honorable is one way to go. But may I remind you... 153 00:08:35,269 --> 00:08:38,897 ...that this is a woman who's been known to lift the stove with one hand... 154 00:08:38,898 --> 00:08:43,737 ...in order to beat a mouse to death with the other. 155 00:08:43,985 --> 00:08:46,653 How much honor you think that little fella had? 156 00:08:46,654 --> 00:08:51,490 Oh, well, now you're being silly. I mean, Berta's not gonna physically assault me. 157 00:08:51,491 --> 00:08:53,991 I hope you're right. 158 00:08:54,452 --> 00:08:58,021 I've grown to enjoy these little talks. 159 00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:05,292 Why don't you just pay me what you owe me? 160 00:09:05,293 --> 00:09:08,337 I don't owe you till we're done. 161 00:09:08,338 --> 00:09:10,837 Now throw the dice. 162 00:09:13,300 --> 00:09:15,799 Oh, you just suck. 163 00:09:16,844 --> 00:09:19,388 I wouldn't need a job if I joined the Army. 164 00:09:19,389 --> 00:09:22,014 - You can't join the Army. - Why not? 165 00:09:22,015 --> 00:09:25,225 Because you already are all that you can be. 166 00:09:25,226 --> 00:09:28,436 You remember my little burden, Naomi? 167 00:09:28,437 --> 00:09:31,106 Oh, sure, I remember her. Hi. 168 00:09:31,314 --> 00:09:34,857 She's got job interviews this afternoon. I'm gonna watch the baby. 169 00:09:34,858 --> 00:09:36,901 How are you gonna work and watch the baby? 170 00:09:36,902 --> 00:09:39,402 Who said I was gonna work? 171 00:09:40,529 --> 00:09:43,074 Hey, Alan. Look who's here. 172 00:09:45,033 --> 00:09:47,201 - Oh, hello. - Hi. 173 00:09:47,202 --> 00:09:50,078 - Um, Nancy, right? - Uh, Naomi. 174 00:09:50,079 --> 00:09:51,954 Naomi. Naomi, sure. Ha. 175 00:09:51,955 --> 00:09:54,665 - Been a long time. - Sure has. 176 00:09:54,666 --> 00:09:58,377 - This must be your baby. Isn't she cute? - Oh, thanks. 177 00:09:58,378 --> 00:10:00,628 And there's the proud grandma. 178 00:10:00,629 --> 00:10:03,129 Look at her beaming. 179 00:10:03,131 --> 00:10:07,200 Well, dip me in butter and roll me in nuts. 180 00:10:08,052 --> 00:10:10,551 I, too, am shocked. 181 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:14,764 So you're the sleazeball she's been running around with. 182 00:10:14,765 --> 00:10:17,265 Oh, Alan, how could you? 183 00:10:17,643 --> 00:10:20,268 No, it's my fault, Mom. Alan wanted to tell you. 184 00:10:20,269 --> 00:10:27,038 No, no, it's my responsibility. If you're gonna do anything, do it to me. 185 00:10:31,195 --> 00:10:33,695 Welcome to the family! 186 00:10:41,536 --> 00:10:44,872 Rise and shine, sleepyhead. 187 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:48,540 I made you breakfast. 188 00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:53,276 - Really? - Need to have your morning tinkle first? 189 00:10:53,296 --> 00:10:55,296 No, I'm okay. 190 00:10:55,297 --> 00:10:57,465 Good. I made all your favorites. 191 00:10:57,466 --> 00:11:02,886 Scrambled egg whites, turkey bacon, rye toast, no butter, decaf coffee. 192 00:11:02,887 --> 00:11:04,386 Well, thank you. 193 00:11:04,387 --> 00:11:10,266 You eat like a 90-year-old man with stomach cancer, but I don't judge. 194 00:11:10,267 --> 00:11:14,061 So, what do you and my little girl have planned for today? 195 00:11:14,062 --> 00:11:16,063 Maybe a romantic walk on the beach? 196 00:11:16,064 --> 00:11:19,023 A cozy picnic? I could pack you a lunch. 197 00:11:19,024 --> 00:11:21,567 - Uh, gee, Berta, I don't really- - Or how about this: 198 00:11:21,568 --> 00:11:22,818 I'll watch the baby... 199 00:11:22,819 --> 00:11:27,530 ...and the two of you can spend the afternoon in bed getting sticky. 200 00:11:27,531 --> 00:11:30,699 Well, uh, as lovely as that sounds... 201 00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:33,410 ...I wasn't really planning on seeing Naomi today. 202 00:11:33,411 --> 00:11:37,538 Why not? What's wrong? Oh, please don't tell me there's something wrong. 203 00:11:37,539 --> 00:11:41,833 I mean, you ain't much, but you're the best she ever had. 204 00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:45,753 No, no, no. Nothing's wrong. I just- I have to go to work today. 205 00:11:45,754 --> 00:11:47,087 Oh. Ha, ha. 206 00:11:47,088 --> 00:11:49,255 - Right. Silly me. - Ah. 207 00:11:49,256 --> 00:11:53,176 Naomi never dated anybody with a job before. 208 00:11:53,177 --> 00:11:56,511 At least not one that's indoors and legal. 209 00:11:56,512 --> 00:11:58,096 I understand. 210 00:11:58,097 --> 00:12:00,097 Well, you let me know if you need anything. 211 00:12:00,098 --> 00:12:02,433 - I will. - Ironing? Groceries? 212 00:12:02,434 --> 00:12:05,143 I could lance that ear for you. 213 00:12:05,144 --> 00:12:06,769 Uh, no, thanks. 214 00:12:06,770 --> 00:12:12,566 I know what I'm doing. I spent a summer castrating sheep in Montana. 215 00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:17,666 - I'll keep it in mind, but I think it's fine. - Okay. 216 00:12:18,530 --> 00:12:22,019 You made an old lady very happy, Alan. 217 00:12:22,658 --> 00:12:25,493 I'm... glad. 218 00:12:27,996 --> 00:12:29,954 Bye-bye now. 219 00:12:29,955 --> 00:12:32,455 Bye-bye. 220 00:12:35,126 --> 00:12:37,962 Oh, I am so screwed. 221 00:12:38,795 --> 00:12:42,298 - Charlie? - I'm in the bathroom, Alan. 222 00:12:42,299 --> 00:12:45,925 Um, I've got kind of a delicate problem. 223 00:12:45,926 --> 00:12:49,553 The antibiotics are in my dresser drawer. 224 00:12:49,554 --> 00:12:52,139 No, no, it's Berta. She's being ridiculously nice to me. 225 00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:55,600 I'm afraid what might happen if I break up with her daughter. 226 00:12:55,601 --> 00:12:58,144 Oh, you can't break up with her daughter. 227 00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:00,895 What do you mean, I can't break up with her? 228 00:13:00,896 --> 00:13:03,565 Well, I guess you could, but: 229 00:13:05,650 --> 00:13:09,819 So, what am I supposed to do? Marry Naomi just to keep Berta happy? 230 00:13:09,820 --> 00:13:14,030 You don't have to marry her, just let the relationship follow its natural course. 231 00:13:14,031 --> 00:13:15,782 Natural course? 232 00:13:15,783 --> 00:13:22,692 Think about it, Alan. Any woman, given enough time, will grow to loathe you. 233 00:13:23,290 --> 00:13:25,789 My God, you're right. 234 00:13:25,833 --> 00:13:28,917 So I just have to stick it out with Naomi until she hates my guts. 235 00:13:28,918 --> 00:13:31,418 How long could it take? 236 00:13:31,796 --> 00:13:35,673 Damn it, Charlie, get your lazy ass out of that bed. 237 00:13:35,674 --> 00:13:38,174 Hello, bright eyes. 238 00:13:38,634 --> 00:13:41,761 - Hi. - I bagged you a lunch to take to work. 239 00:13:41,762 --> 00:13:43,595 - No kidding? - Yeah. 240 00:13:43,596 --> 00:13:45,889 I also tossed in a packet of vitamin E. 241 00:13:45,890 --> 00:13:50,119 Help you chalk up the old pool cue for Naomi. 242 00:13:50,477 --> 00:13:53,020 - Thanks. - Come here, give me some sugar. 243 00:13:53,021 --> 00:13:55,520 Mwah. 244 00:13:59,860 --> 00:14:02,946 Oh, you are so screwed. 245 00:14:05,656 --> 00:14:06,864 Here you go. 246 00:14:06,865 --> 00:14:09,700 One hot chocolate for the lactating mommy. 247 00:14:09,701 --> 00:14:11,285 Thank you. 248 00:14:11,286 --> 00:14:14,370 I see little Brittany Pam is having the qrande boobaccino. 249 00:14:14,371 --> 00:14:17,833 Yeah, and she's biting the straw. 250 00:14:19,208 --> 00:14:21,418 Listen, you got any plans for Saturday night? 251 00:14:21,419 --> 00:14:22,877 I don't think so. Why? 252 00:14:22,878 --> 00:14:26,755 Well, my mom wants to have a big family dinner over at her place. 253 00:14:26,756 --> 00:14:29,255 Family? Uh, whose family? 254 00:14:29,258 --> 00:14:32,718 You know, me, you, Jake, Charlie, my mom, your mom. 255 00:14:32,719 --> 00:14:33,969 Oh, oh. 256 00:14:33,970 --> 00:14:36,054 Well, uh, that sounds like fun. 257 00:14:36,055 --> 00:14:37,514 - Doesn't it? - Yeah. Yeah. 258 00:14:37,515 --> 00:14:39,723 Unfortunately, I'm busy this Saturday. 259 00:14:39,724 --> 00:14:42,560 - But you just said- - I misspoke. 260 00:14:42,561 --> 00:14:45,895 Oh, I get it. I'm not good enough to meet your mother. 261 00:14:45,896 --> 00:14:50,274 Oh, no, no, no. I'm just- Uh, I'm concerned about the baby. 262 00:14:50,275 --> 00:14:53,235 - Why? - Oh, boy. Uh... 263 00:14:53,402 --> 00:14:55,945 ...I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you this... 264 00:14:55,946 --> 00:15:01,742 ...but my mother feeds on the souls of the young. 265 00:15:02,576 --> 00:15:05,077 - Okay, just forget it. - Oh, come on, Naomi. 266 00:15:05,078 --> 00:15:08,746 I mean, don't you think a family dinner is pushing things a little too fast? 267 00:15:08,747 --> 00:15:12,166 Too fast? You weren't worried about going too fast on our first date... 268 00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:14,251 ...when you chewed through my nursing bra. 269 00:15:14,252 --> 00:15:17,629 In my defense, I didn't know about the flaps. 270 00:15:17,630 --> 00:15:19,588 You know, I thought that you were different. 271 00:15:19,589 --> 00:15:23,132 I am different. Ask anybody. They'll tell you, "Alan's different." 272 00:15:23,133 --> 00:15:26,761 No. No, no, you're not. You're just like all the rest. 273 00:15:26,762 --> 00:15:30,181 Flirtsy, squirtsy and then arrivederci. 274 00:15:30,431 --> 00:15:33,099 - Naomi, I didn't mean to- - I'm not that kind of girl anymore. 275 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:36,435 I am a mama now and I demand to be treated with respect. 276 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,978 Sweetie, sweetie, calm down. I do respect you. 277 00:15:38,979 --> 00:15:41,815 I just thought that the dinner was a little premature. 278 00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:45,609 Premature? You weren't worried about being premature on our first date... 279 00:15:45,610 --> 00:15:47,860 ...when you ruined a perfectly good sweater. 280 00:15:47,861 --> 00:15:51,280 You know what? Saturday's fine. Dinner sounds great. We'll be there. 281 00:15:51,281 --> 00:15:53,949 Yeah, damn right, you'll be there. 282 00:15:53,950 --> 00:15:59,109 What? You never seen a screaming woman with a bare boob? 283 00:16:02,457 --> 00:16:05,626 This is just mortifying. 284 00:16:05,793 --> 00:16:08,961 - Mom. - It's one thing to diddle the help, Alan. 285 00:16:08,962 --> 00:16:12,372 It's another thing to dine with them. 286 00:16:12,382 --> 00:16:14,882 - Jake, are you listening to your iPod? - No. 287 00:16:14,883 --> 00:16:17,383 Well, start. 288 00:16:18,219 --> 00:16:20,470 Naomi is not the help. 289 00:16:20,471 --> 00:16:25,182 Oh, forgive me. She's the maid's round-heeled daughter. 290 00:16:25,183 --> 00:16:30,561 I mean, I'd expect this from Charlie. He'd hump a grilled cheese sandwich. 291 00:16:30,562 --> 00:16:33,730 - Thanks, Mom. - You're welcome, darling. 292 00:16:33,731 --> 00:16:36,399 And what, pray, is going on with your ear? 293 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,067 Oh, it's fine. 294 00:16:38,068 --> 00:16:40,946 Looks like a cherry tomato. 295 00:16:41,154 --> 00:16:44,803 His lady friend thinks it's "darn sexy." 296 00:16:44,949 --> 00:16:47,366 Don't worry. You won't be the only one... 297 00:16:47,367 --> 00:16:50,202 ...at the table tonight with a raging infection. 298 00:16:50,203 --> 00:16:52,495 It's not infected. 299 00:16:52,496 --> 00:16:54,996 It's got a pulse, Alan. 300 00:16:55,540 --> 00:16:58,208 Look, Mom, there is no reason to look down your nose at Naomi. 301 00:16:58,209 --> 00:17:01,878 She and her mom are decent, hard-working, salt-of-the-earth people. 302 00:17:01,879 --> 00:17:04,378 Well, pardon me. 303 00:17:05,381 --> 00:17:08,007 You know, it's tacky to arrive empty-handed. 304 00:17:08,008 --> 00:17:13,345 Perhaps we should stop and pick up a box of wine or some aerosol cheese. 305 00:17:13,346 --> 00:17:15,847 Oh, Mom, you're on fire tonight. 306 00:17:15,848 --> 00:17:19,516 It's the new meds. They mix well with liquor. 307 00:17:19,517 --> 00:17:22,062 Oh, this was a bad idea. 308 00:17:22,895 --> 00:17:27,414 Charlie, didn't you tell him that's the gay ear? 309 00:17:37,782 --> 00:17:39,449 This is nice flatware. 310 00:17:39,450 --> 00:17:42,576 I gave the same pattern to Charlie for his birthday. 311 00:17:42,577 --> 00:17:44,870 Yeah, he gave it to me. 312 00:17:44,871 --> 00:17:48,070 Next year, he wants a roasting pan. 313 00:17:49,249 --> 00:17:51,292 You gave away my flatware? 314 00:17:51,293 --> 00:17:54,512 To be fair, Mom, I gave it to you. 315 00:17:55,463 --> 00:17:59,548 So, Berta. Nice house. When do we take the tour? 316 00:17:59,549 --> 00:18:02,091 - Have you been to the can yet? - Yeah. 317 00:18:02,092 --> 00:18:04,592 You took it. 318 00:18:04,887 --> 00:18:07,386 Okay. 319 00:18:08,222 --> 00:18:09,723 I wanna make a toast. 320 00:18:09,724 --> 00:18:12,266 Oh, good, a reason to drink. 321 00:18:12,267 --> 00:18:14,060 To Naomi and Alan. 322 00:18:14,061 --> 00:18:16,395 Thank God they found each other. 323 00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:19,355 Let's face it, they were both running out of options. 324 00:18:19,356 --> 00:18:20,899 - Hear, hear. - Hang on, hang on. 325 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:24,276 I'd like to propose an addendum to the toast. 326 00:18:24,277 --> 00:18:26,903 A subordinate clause, if you will. 327 00:18:26,904 --> 00:18:30,364 Uh, while Naomi and I are enjoying each other's company... 328 00:18:30,365 --> 00:18:33,909 ...we are proceeding in a very slow and cautious manner. 329 00:18:33,910 --> 00:18:36,580 Except when we're having sex. 330 00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:40,414 Time and place, Naomi. Time and place. 331 00:18:40,415 --> 00:18:45,626 Yeah, well, I wish you'd spend a little more time and aim for the right place. 332 00:18:45,627 --> 00:18:48,588 Oh, God, just kill me now. 333 00:18:48,796 --> 00:18:50,005 - Jake? - IPod? 334 00:18:50,006 --> 00:18:51,964 Attaboy. 335 00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:54,341 Excuse me. Uh... 336 00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:57,886 I'd like to say a few words before we fold up the dining-room table... 337 00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:00,930 ...and commence the square dancing. 338 00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:04,267 Alan, you're my son and I love you. 339 00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:08,393 But you and I are through. 340 00:19:09,271 --> 00:19:11,522 - What? - I just can't bear it anymore. 341 00:19:11,523 --> 00:19:14,022 I have to cut you loose. 342 00:19:14,191 --> 00:19:18,986 Is that all it takes? Hey, Berta, you got any other daughters? 343 00:19:18,987 --> 00:19:20,946 Naomi? Are you in there? 344 00:19:20,947 --> 00:19:23,740 - Hector? - Go away! Nobody's home! 345 00:19:23,741 --> 00:19:25,116 Mom. 346 00:19:25,117 --> 00:19:29,745 If that loser steps one foot inside this house, I'm getting out my nail gun. 347 00:19:29,746 --> 00:19:34,875 Oh, wonderful, we're going to be on an episode of Cops. 348 00:19:35,125 --> 00:19:37,959 - What are you doing here? - I've come to see my daughter. 349 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:39,627 - Is that her? - What do you care? 350 00:19:39,628 --> 00:19:41,462 - You ran off. - I didn't run off. 351 00:19:41,463 --> 00:19:43,463 I couldn't get back across the border. 352 00:19:43,464 --> 00:19:46,174 They're cracking down because of these damn Arabs. 353 00:19:46,175 --> 00:19:47,967 Oh. Why didn't you call me? 354 00:19:47,968 --> 00:19:52,137 I did call. Didn't your mother give you my messages? 355 00:19:52,138 --> 00:19:54,638 Whoops. 356 00:19:55,182 --> 00:20:00,551 - Oh, Hector, I've missed you so much. - I missed you too. 357 00:20:00,645 --> 00:20:02,812 - Alan. - Yeah? 358 00:20:02,813 --> 00:20:06,773 Your relationship has run its natural course. 359 00:20:06,774 --> 00:20:10,764 She doesn't hate me yet. She's just, like- 360 00:20:10,820 --> 00:20:13,447 A toast to Hector and Naomi. 361 00:20:14,114 --> 00:20:17,615 - May their love last forever. - Hear, hear. 362 00:20:17,616 --> 00:20:19,826 What's with your ear? 363 00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:22,326 I'm gay. 364 00:20:39,634 --> 00:20:40,843 Berta? 365 00:20:40,844 --> 00:20:45,073 Don't bother me, Charlie, I had a hard night. 366 00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:47,931 If you're so tired, why don't you just stay home? 367 00:20:47,932 --> 00:20:49,266 Are you kidding? 368 00:20:49,267 --> 00:20:52,852 Hector invited his entire family over to see the baby. 369 00:20:52,853 --> 00:20:55,733 It's like the Alamo over there. 370 00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:59,399 Well, for the record, I didn't get any sleep either. 371 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,275 Halfway home, Alan's ear blew up... 372 00:21:01,276 --> 00:21:03,944 ...and we had to take him to the emergency room. 373 00:21:03,945 --> 00:21:07,405 - Is he okay? - Yeah, they were able to save the lobe... 374 00:21:07,406 --> 00:21:11,908 ...but I don't think anyone's gonna call it the gay ear anymore. 375 00:21:11,909 --> 00:21:14,119 Huh. 376 00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:17,372 Well, sweet dreams. 377 00:21:18,498 --> 00:21:20,997 You too.