1 00:00:03,055 --> 00:00:04,681 So, what do you want? 2 00:00:04,682 --> 00:00:08,227 Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn and a Slushee. 3 00:00:08,228 --> 00:00:12,039 What are you doing? Building an ass bomb? 4 00:00:12,108 --> 00:00:14,192 - Pick two. - Okay. 5 00:00:14,193 --> 00:00:15,944 - Popcorn and Milk Duds. - Fine. 6 00:00:15,945 --> 00:00:18,114 - Large popcorn. - Okay. 7 00:00:18,115 --> 00:00:22,076 But I'll still need a Slushee so I don't choke to death on a Milk Dud. 8 00:00:22,077 --> 00:00:24,538 - All right. - And ask them to pump nacho cheese... 9 00:00:24,539 --> 00:00:26,498 ...on the popcorn. 10 00:00:26,499 --> 00:00:29,001 Oh, that reminds me. I got a date tonight. 11 00:00:29,002 --> 00:00:31,337 That reminds you? 12 00:00:31,338 --> 00:00:33,131 Yeah, and I'm gonna need your help. 13 00:00:33,132 --> 00:00:35,134 - My help? - Next. 14 00:00:35,135 --> 00:00:36,552 Hang on. 15 00:00:36,553 --> 00:00:39,138 A large popcorn with cheese... 16 00:00:39,139 --> 00:00:42,142 ...a large Slushee and a jumbo box of Milk Duds. 17 00:00:42,143 --> 00:00:44,144 - You want anything? My treat. - I'm okay. 18 00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,856 I'll just eat whatever lands on the kid's shirt. 19 00:00:46,857 --> 00:00:49,357 You're gonna go hungry. 20 00:00:49,776 --> 00:00:51,068 That's it. 21 00:00:51,069 --> 00:00:52,904 So, what about this date? 22 00:00:52,905 --> 00:00:55,949 She's got a friend visiting from out of town, and I said fine. 23 00:00:55,950 --> 00:00:58,494 You know, two's company, three's a sandwich. 24 00:00:58,495 --> 00:01:01,873 But for some reason she insists on the friend having her own date. 25 00:01:01,874 --> 00:01:04,167 - So you're asking me? - Yeah. 26 00:01:04,168 --> 00:01:07,379 The two of us out making the scene with a couple of hot chicks? 27 00:01:07,380 --> 00:01:09,423 Oh, Lord, never mind. 28 00:01:09,424 --> 00:01:11,843 Don't be silly, it'll be fun. We never double. 29 00:01:11,844 --> 00:01:14,929 - That's not an accident, Alan. - Come on. Please, please, please? 30 00:01:14,930 --> 00:01:18,434 - All right, save your begging for the date. - I never beg. 31 00:01:18,435 --> 00:01:20,644 I grovel. 32 00:01:20,645 --> 00:01:23,106 I guess I'll have to find a babysitter for Jake. 33 00:01:23,107 --> 00:01:26,109 I don't need a babysitter. Nothing's gonna happen to me. 34 00:01:26,110 --> 00:01:28,404 Worried about you? I'm worried about my house. 35 00:01:28,405 --> 00:01:30,156 That's $24.50. 36 00:01:30,157 --> 00:01:32,657 Whoa. Okay. 37 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:35,287 Oh, jeez. 38 00:01:35,288 --> 00:01:37,247 - What? - I walked out of the house... 39 00:01:37,248 --> 00:01:39,542 ...without my wallet. Can you believe it? 40 00:01:39,543 --> 00:01:41,836 Strangely enough, I can. 41 00:01:41,837 --> 00:01:44,505 - Twenty-four-fifty, please. - Hang on. 42 00:01:44,506 --> 00:01:48,719 I know what happened. You drove, it didn't occur to me to pick up my wallet. 43 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:53,266 The only reason I drove is because you said your car was low on gas. 44 00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:55,643 Twenty-four-fifty, please. 45 00:01:55,644 --> 00:01:58,022 Just a minute. You said you'd pay for parking... 46 00:01:58,023 --> 00:02:01,191 ...which you won't be able to do because you "forgot" your wallet. 47 00:02:01,192 --> 00:02:03,236 Don't make a big deal, I'll pay next time. 48 00:02:03,237 --> 00:02:06,739 - That's what you said last time. - Yes, but this time I forgot my wallet. 49 00:02:06,740 --> 00:02:10,036 Twenty-four-fifty, please! 50 00:02:12,539 --> 00:02:15,040 Fine, I'll pay. 51 00:02:15,543 --> 00:02:22,124 You know what, why don't you throw in a bagel dog, make it an even 30. 52 00:02:47,071 --> 00:02:50,575 Okay. Uncle Charlie and I are leaving now. 53 00:02:50,576 --> 00:02:53,077 - Bye. - I'm trusting you to act responsibly... 54 00:02:53,078 --> 00:02:57,499 - ...and go to bed at a reasonable hour. - Okay. 55 00:02:57,584 --> 00:03:00,712 You know, this is a real turning point for you. 56 00:03:00,713 --> 00:03:04,257 You're taking care of yourself. You're becoming a man. 57 00:03:04,258 --> 00:03:06,759 You too. 58 00:03:08,430 --> 00:03:12,434 Boy, it seems like only yesterday that I brought you home from the hospital. 59 00:03:12,435 --> 00:03:16,604 You were- You were like a little wrinkly pig with colic. 60 00:03:16,605 --> 00:03:19,116 Yeah, are you going or not? 61 00:03:20,485 --> 00:03:23,025 - Are you ready? - Hang on. 62 00:03:24,615 --> 00:03:27,115 Goodbye, my son. 63 00:03:27,451 --> 00:03:30,080 Save it for the date, Dad. 64 00:03:34,418 --> 00:03:40,215 Don't burn the place down, and if you do, don't be here when I get back. 65 00:03:40,216 --> 00:03:44,512 He knows to drink the cheap Scotch, not the single malt, right? 66 00:03:44,513 --> 00:03:46,097 - Not funny. - I'm not joking. 67 00:03:46,098 --> 00:03:51,499 He's probably just gonna mix it with Hawaiian Punch anyway. 68 00:03:53,115 --> 00:03:54,616 Oh, God, I am so full. 69 00:03:54,617 --> 00:03:57,661 I don't think I could put another thing in my mouth. 70 00:03:57,662 --> 00:04:01,203 I hope that's just a figure of speech. 71 00:04:02,793 --> 00:04:05,295 This is such a beautiful restaurant. 72 00:04:05,296 --> 00:04:07,506 They don't have anything like this back home. 73 00:04:07,507 --> 00:04:09,966 Really? They don't have nice restaurants in Idaho? 74 00:04:09,967 --> 00:04:13,471 Oh, well, yeah. I mean, we have a T.G.I. Friday's and an Applebee's... 75 00:04:13,472 --> 00:04:16,934 ...but you never see movie stars like we did here. 76 00:04:16,935 --> 00:04:19,144 Nina, they're just regular people. 77 00:04:19,145 --> 00:04:24,108 And technically, I wouldn't call Geraldo Rivera a movie star. 78 00:04:24,109 --> 00:04:26,069 Well, I thought it was very exciting. 79 00:04:26,070 --> 00:04:28,155 Since I'm only in town for the weekend... 80 00:04:28,156 --> 00:04:32,606 ...I think we should go absolutely crazy tonight. 81 00:04:33,536 --> 00:04:35,997 Is it too late to switch dates? 82 00:04:35,998 --> 00:04:37,666 I'm up for that. 83 00:04:37,667 --> 00:04:40,503 - No kidding. - As long as we can switch back. 84 00:04:40,504 --> 00:04:43,672 Alan, I believe it's time we get the check. 85 00:04:43,673 --> 00:04:45,842 - Agreed. - Check, please. 86 00:04:45,843 --> 00:04:47,928 - Be right back. - Where you going? 87 00:04:47,929 --> 00:04:49,679 The little boys' room. 88 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,517 He means the little cheap bastards' room. 89 00:04:52,518 --> 00:04:56,598 - What's that, Charlie? - Nothing. Excuse me. 90 00:04:57,398 --> 00:05:00,888 Back home we just call it the crapper. 91 00:05:22,886 --> 00:05:25,514 I thought you had to pee. 92 00:05:25,889 --> 00:05:28,390 I did. I do. I am. 93 00:05:54,589 --> 00:05:59,011 - Nice girls. - Yeah, they're terrific. 94 00:06:32,884 --> 00:06:39,605 No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants. 95 00:06:42,312 --> 00:06:45,222 Maybe you shouldn't wear khakis. 96 00:07:04,796 --> 00:07:07,297 Uh-oh. 97 00:07:10,511 --> 00:07:14,431 - What are you doing? - What do you think I'm doing? 98 00:07:14,432 --> 00:07:16,933 Amazing. 99 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:20,093 This might take a while, Charlie. 100 00:07:20,356 --> 00:07:22,901 All right, let's play. 101 00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:32,410 What are you doing? CHARLIE: What do you think I'm doing? 102 00:07:32,411 --> 00:07:34,912 Okay. Okay. 103 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,542 - Hey, Alan? - Yeah? 104 00:07:37,709 --> 00:07:40,210 This might take a while. 105 00:07:43,424 --> 00:07:44,716 Where's Jennifer? 106 00:07:44,717 --> 00:07:46,636 She went into the caretaker's shack... 107 00:07:46,637 --> 00:07:47,887 ...to look for Corey. 108 00:07:47,888 --> 00:07:51,975 - You stay here. I'll go find her. - No, I'm coming with you. 109 00:07:51,976 --> 00:07:56,926 Will you people quit going into the caretaker's shack? 110 00:07:57,817 --> 00:08:00,319 Corey? Are you in here? 111 00:08:00,486 --> 00:08:04,717 No, you idiot. Corey's been dead for an hour. 112 00:08:04,950 --> 00:08:07,450 Corey? 113 00:08:09,747 --> 00:08:12,627 Man, I should have went to bed. 114 00:08:29,436 --> 00:08:30,645 Are you crazy? 115 00:08:30,646 --> 00:08:34,149 Well, there are several schools of thought on that. 116 00:08:34,150 --> 00:08:36,443 So your dad let you stay by yourself tonight. 117 00:08:36,444 --> 00:08:39,030 Why not? I'm old enough. I don't need a babysitter. 118 00:08:39,031 --> 00:08:43,034 Okay. Well, then I'll leave you to your movie. 119 00:08:43,035 --> 00:08:47,766 Wait, wait, you don't have to go. Want a Pop-Tart? 120 00:08:48,208 --> 00:08:50,709 Sure, why not? 121 00:08:50,962 --> 00:08:53,463 So, what do I need to know? 122 00:08:53,464 --> 00:08:59,445 Well, basically, when a guy has half a face, you leave him alone. 123 00:09:03,101 --> 00:09:08,872 - Charlie, you still there? - I told you it might take a while. 124 00:09:09,691 --> 00:09:15,062 Well, I guess this train isn't ready to leave the station. 125 00:09:20,204 --> 00:09:23,706 You know what they say, better to be on the toilet and not have to go... 126 00:09:23,707 --> 00:09:27,586 ...than to have to go and not be on the toilet. 127 00:09:27,587 --> 00:09:30,087 Really? And who says that? 128 00:09:30,549 --> 00:09:34,178 I don't know. It's folk wisdom. 129 00:09:58,748 --> 00:10:03,378 The liquid soap is a nice idea for the house, don't you think? 130 00:10:03,379 --> 00:10:04,754 I guess. 131 00:10:04,755 --> 00:10:08,550 Makes sense when you think about it. Wash your hands with a bar of soap... 132 00:10:08,551 --> 00:10:12,472 ...you're passing your germs on to the next guy... 133 00:10:12,473 --> 00:10:16,863 ...but with the liquid soap, it's not an issue. 134 00:10:20,107 --> 00:10:22,607 Good idea. 135 00:10:22,734 --> 00:10:26,530 I'll tell Berta to pick up some liquid soap. 136 00:10:26,531 --> 00:10:29,032 Great. Great. 137 00:10:34,081 --> 00:10:36,582 How funny is Berta? 138 00:10:38,586 --> 00:10:41,087 She is a pistol. 139 00:11:10,749 --> 00:11:13,629 Don't wanna get athlete's hand. 140 00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:42,192 Another good idea for the house. 141 00:11:46,374 --> 00:11:47,707 Uh-oh. 142 00:11:47,708 --> 00:11:50,209 Don't even think about it. 143 00:11:51,338 --> 00:11:54,924 - Where'd they go? - Your lady friends left 20 minutes ago. 144 00:11:54,925 --> 00:11:58,805 - What? Why? - Said life was too short. 145 00:11:59,347 --> 00:12:01,848 Are you happy? 146 00:12:02,017 --> 00:12:05,228 All right, just give me the check. Which you and I will split. 147 00:12:05,229 --> 00:12:09,233 Not necessary. Mr. Rivera took care of it before he left with the ladies. 148 00:12:09,234 --> 00:12:13,655 I guess they'll find out how at large he really is. 149 00:12:13,656 --> 00:12:16,951 - Unbelievable. - I know. 150 00:12:17,117 --> 00:12:19,618 We got a free dinner. 151 00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:36,102 Boy, college students are really stupid. 152 00:12:38,935 --> 00:12:41,144 Yeah, if you shouldn't run with scissors... 153 00:12:41,145 --> 00:12:45,836 ...you definitely shouldn't run with hedge clippers. 154 00:12:45,943 --> 00:12:48,403 I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing... 155 00:12:48,404 --> 00:12:51,907 ...because I was sitting on the can listening to you not take a crap. 156 00:12:51,908 --> 00:12:54,117 Blaming me because I had to go to the bathroom? 157 00:12:54,118 --> 00:12:57,413 You didn't have to, you were trying to stick me with the check. 158 00:12:57,414 --> 00:13:00,417 Oh, I see. So you know my bowels better than I do? 159 00:13:00,418 --> 00:13:05,048 I will when I pull them out through your nostrils. 160 00:13:06,050 --> 00:13:07,842 I don't have to listen to this. 161 00:13:07,843 --> 00:13:11,784 What's your hurry? You see a check coming? 162 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,477 What do you think? Should we watch the rest of the movie? 163 00:13:16,478 --> 00:13:21,109 Might as well. I'm not gonna sleep tonight anyway. 164 00:13:21,359 --> 00:13:23,611 - Leave me alone, Charlie. - No, no, no. No. 165 00:13:23,612 --> 00:13:25,321 Let's get this out in the open. 166 00:13:25,322 --> 00:13:28,199 There's nothing to get out. I had to go to the bathroom. 167 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,662 Even though I don't have much money, I was prepared to split the check. 168 00:13:31,663 --> 00:13:33,622 Not fifty-fifty, you had better wine... 169 00:13:33,623 --> 00:13:37,293 ...and your date had two appetizers, but my fair share. 170 00:13:37,294 --> 00:13:39,796 - What are you doing? - What do you think? 171 00:13:39,797 --> 00:13:43,258 Alan, you can sit but you can't hide. 172 00:13:44,177 --> 00:13:47,597 I'm going to shower and get ready for bed. 173 00:13:47,598 --> 00:13:49,891 You're kidding. You're gonna walk away from me? 174 00:13:49,892 --> 00:13:53,145 Well, Charlie, when you're being irrational you leave me no choice. 175 00:13:53,146 --> 00:13:55,646 I'm not being irrational. 176 00:13:57,484 --> 00:14:01,485 You wanna see irrational? Here's irrational. 177 00:14:11,626 --> 00:14:13,585 Oh, great. 178 00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:16,087 My lamp. 179 00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:22,928 What the hell? 180 00:14:31,857 --> 00:14:34,448 I don't freaking believe it. 181 00:15:04,062 --> 00:15:06,940 Charlie, the pizza's here. 182 00:15:11,779 --> 00:15:14,280 So it is. 183 00:15:17,869 --> 00:15:22,970 - Hey, why don't I get this one? - Hey, why don't you? 184 00:15:26,797 --> 00:15:29,297 What? No wallet? 185 00:15:30,217 --> 00:15:33,468 - I'll be right back. - I'll wait. 186 00:15:42,606 --> 00:15:48,167 - There you go, Mr. Harper, 22.75. - Thanks, Gordon. Hang on. 187 00:15:57,999 --> 00:16:00,042 Keep the change. 188 00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:03,505 - Wow. Thanks. - Oh, Gordon, wait, wait, wait. 189 00:16:03,506 --> 00:16:05,840 - You gotta hear something. - Hear what? 190 00:16:05,841 --> 00:16:08,342 Shh. 191 00:16:08,595 --> 00:16:11,095 Wait for it. 192 00:16:15,144 --> 00:16:20,317 - Was that it? - Yep. Thanks for waiting. 193 00:16:35,167 --> 00:16:36,585 Looking for something? 194 00:16:36,586 --> 00:16:38,462 Yeah, my... 195 00:16:38,463 --> 00:16:40,963 ...wallet. 196 00:16:43,219 --> 00:16:45,719 Here it is. 197 00:16:46,097 --> 00:16:49,059 - Oh. Oh, thanks. - Wow. 198 00:16:49,226 --> 00:16:52,907 The legendary lost wallet of Alan Harper. 199 00:16:53,940 --> 00:16:56,440 Funny. 200 00:17:04,911 --> 00:17:08,001 Oh, my, there's no money in here. 201 00:17:08,122 --> 00:17:10,623 - No? - No. 202 00:17:10,751 --> 00:17:13,294 How were you gonna pay for the pizza, Alan? 203 00:17:13,295 --> 00:17:15,795 I have, um... 204 00:17:15,923 --> 00:17:18,133 - I have- - What is it, Alan? 205 00:17:18,134 --> 00:17:20,634 What do you have? 206 00:17:21,805 --> 00:17:24,306 - Nothing. - You sure? 207 00:17:24,850 --> 00:17:28,729 Oh, where did you find that? I mean, what is that? 208 00:17:28,730 --> 00:17:31,230 About $5000 in small bills. 209 00:17:31,608 --> 00:17:33,735 Wow, that much? 210 00:17:33,736 --> 00:17:36,571 A little less, since I paid for the pizza. 211 00:17:36,572 --> 00:17:38,406 And tipped the guy a 50. 212 00:17:38,407 --> 00:17:41,495 - You gave him a $50 tip? - Yep. 213 00:17:41,662 --> 00:17:45,039 Now I'm gonna go light my cigar with a hundred. 214 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,084 Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. 215 00:17:47,085 --> 00:17:52,590 I just remembered. I lost a big roll of bills that looked a lot like that one. 216 00:17:52,591 --> 00:17:55,803 Really? It's yours? I had no idea. 217 00:17:56,595 --> 00:17:58,931 An honest mistake. Give me. 218 00:17:58,932 --> 00:18:00,683 You can understand my confusion. 219 00:18:00,684 --> 00:18:03,937 A guy's got this kind of cash, you'd think he'd be able to pay... 220 00:18:03,938 --> 00:18:06,648 ...for his own freaking bagel dog. 221 00:18:06,649 --> 00:18:09,693 You don't understand. The money isn't for me. 222 00:18:09,694 --> 00:18:12,194 Really? Who's it for? 223 00:18:12,948 --> 00:18:14,950 Old Alan. 224 00:18:14,951 --> 00:18:19,821 - Old Alan? - Yeah. You know, the Alan of the future. 225 00:18:19,831 --> 00:18:23,459 You're kidding. They're still gonna have Alans in the future? 226 00:18:23,460 --> 00:18:28,340 No, see, the thing is, I've been going through a kind of a rough financial time... 227 00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:32,471 ...since, well, high school. 228 00:18:32,638 --> 00:18:36,724 It occurred to me that I could wind up an old man with no one to care for me. 229 00:18:36,725 --> 00:18:39,645 I mean, who will old Alan be able to count on? 230 00:18:39,646 --> 00:18:43,691 Certainly not Jake, because let's face it, his best hope of a steady income... 231 00:18:43,692 --> 00:18:48,832 ...is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport. 232 00:18:49,031 --> 00:18:52,868 So I decided that whenever somebody in the office paid in cash... 233 00:18:52,869 --> 00:18:56,207 ...I'd put it away for old Alan. 234 00:18:57,083 --> 00:19:02,004 - What about the IRS? - Them? They don't care about old Alan. 235 00:19:02,005 --> 00:19:04,757 Okay, let me get this straight. 236 00:19:04,758 --> 00:19:07,261 You're squirreling away money for old Alan... 237 00:19:07,262 --> 00:19:10,597 ...while young Alan sponges off of dumb Charlie. 238 00:19:10,598 --> 00:19:13,351 I wouldn't call you dumb. Sweet Charlie, loving Charlie. 239 00:19:13,352 --> 00:19:16,521 - Can I have my money now? - You have a serious problem, my friend. 240 00:19:16,522 --> 00:19:20,359 Yes, I do. No question. Now give me my money. 241 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:24,911 - You need help. - I know, but who can afford it? 242 00:19:25,908 --> 00:19:29,202 All right. You know what I want you to do with this money? 243 00:19:29,203 --> 00:19:32,724 Come on, man. I'm already constipated. 244 00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:36,701 You're gonna spend it. Every penny. 245 00:19:37,046 --> 00:19:41,216 But- But what about old Alan? What will he do? 246 00:19:41,217 --> 00:19:45,221 Well, I'm guessing old Alan will be living on old Charlie's hide-a-bed... 247 00:19:45,222 --> 00:19:48,343 ...until they bag him and tag him. 248 00:19:49,477 --> 00:19:55,067 Really? You mean no matter what, I can always count on you? 249 00:19:57,361 --> 00:19:59,862 Keep the money. 250 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:13,129 There you go. Enjoy your movie. 251 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:18,886 - Hi, Charlie. - Hey, bro. 252 00:20:19,553 --> 00:20:21,471 I'll take a big box of Milk Duds. 253 00:20:21,472 --> 00:20:24,726 Sure. That's $25. 254 00:20:25,894 --> 00:20:31,108 - Anything for your lady friend? - That's okay. She doesn't eat. 255 00:20:31,109 --> 00:20:33,568 Food. 256 00:20:33,569 --> 00:20:36,781 - Keep the change. - Oh, thanks, Charlie. 257 00:20:36,782 --> 00:20:39,158 I can always count on you. 258 00:20:39,159 --> 00:20:41,660 Come on, baby. 259 00:20:42,038 --> 00:20:45,288 Can you believe I'm older than him? 260 00:20:46,669 --> 00:20:49,179 Boy, that's some hot chick. 261 00:20:50,047 --> 00:20:52,548 Yeah. 262 00:20:54,302 --> 00:20:58,353 - Don't eat the popcorn, Jake. - Sorry, Dad.