1 00:00:03,557 --> 00:00:06,055 Yo, dude. What up? 2 00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:09,473 Just follow my lead. 3 00:00:09,474 --> 00:00:11,516 Oh, this is awesome. 4 00:00:11,517 --> 00:00:18,183 Eh. It's just a little surf shack where I keep my board, beer and brother. 5 00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:21,492 How are they breaking today, broheim? 6 00:00:22,102 --> 00:00:24,060 How are what breaking? 7 00:00:24,061 --> 00:00:27,578 - Dude smokes way too much weed. - Oh. 8 00:00:27,978 --> 00:00:30,228 The waves, Poindexter. 9 00:00:30,229 --> 00:00:34,485 Oh. Oh, the waves. The, uh... The waves are... 10 00:00:35,230 --> 00:00:37,728 ...gnarly? 11 00:00:38,063 --> 00:00:40,230 All right. Let's hit it. 12 00:00:40,231 --> 00:00:42,729 Oh, I intend to. 13 00:00:44,065 --> 00:00:46,439 Why don't you head out? I'll throw on my suit and meet you. 14 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,938 Awesome. 15 00:00:50,941 --> 00:00:54,358 Mm. Bodacious and tubular. 16 00:00:56,484 --> 00:00:59,318 Uh, excuse me, Moondoggie. 17 00:00:59,484 --> 00:01:01,317 - Quick question. - Yeah. 18 00:01:01,318 --> 00:01:02,984 You don't surf, do you? 19 00:01:02,985 --> 00:01:04,734 Not a bit. 20 00:01:04,735 --> 00:01:08,443 So how did Gidget get the idea you were the Big Kahuna? 21 00:01:08,444 --> 00:01:12,486 I told her I hang ten and I guess she misunderstood. 22 00:01:12,487 --> 00:01:14,486 You're going to hell, you know. 23 00:01:14,487 --> 00:01:18,070 I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs... 24 00:01:18,071 --> 00:01:21,279 ...as long as they lead to recreational sex. 25 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,404 You really wanna drag God into this? 26 00:01:23,405 --> 00:01:25,993 Who gave me the penis, Alan? 27 00:01:27,573 --> 00:01:29,488 Since when do you have a wet suit? 28 00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:36,124 Since I moved to the beach and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks. 29 00:01:36,783 --> 00:01:43,575 If I lived next to Jellystone Park I'd have a bear suit and a picnic basket. 30 00:01:43,576 --> 00:01:46,074 Would you get the door? 31 00:01:49,411 --> 00:01:50,993 Oopsie. 32 00:01:50,994 --> 00:01:54,744 Smooth. So just out of curiosity... 33 00:01:55,537 --> 00:01:57,703 ...how exactly do you plan to pull this off? 34 00:01:57,704 --> 00:01:59,412 Simple. 35 00:01:59,413 --> 00:02:02,245 Paddle out, yell "shark" and paddle in. 36 00:02:02,246 --> 00:02:07,692 - So you've thought this through? - I'm not an idiot, Alan. 37 00:02:09,206 --> 00:02:11,704 Oopsie. 38 00:02:12,456 --> 00:02:14,206 Over here. 39 00:02:14,207 --> 00:02:15,748 Careful. 40 00:02:15,749 --> 00:02:17,415 What happened? 41 00:02:17,416 --> 00:02:20,249 I don't know, this tiny wave came at us... 42 00:02:20,250 --> 00:02:24,582 ...I let it go, he screamed like a girl and fell off his board. 43 00:02:24,583 --> 00:02:28,292 I had to give him mouth-to-mouth. He swallowed a lot of water. 44 00:02:28,293 --> 00:02:29,792 He's gonna be okay? 45 00:02:29,793 --> 00:02:33,751 I think so. He tried slipping me the tongue. 46 00:02:33,752 --> 00:02:36,250 Charlie, can you hear me? 47 00:02:38,087 --> 00:02:39,752 Sha- 48 00:02:39,753 --> 00:02:42,337 - What? - Sha- 49 00:02:42,504 --> 00:02:45,752 I think he's trying to say "shark." 50 00:02:57,674 --> 00:03:00,048 - Want something to drink? - Oh. 51 00:03:00,049 --> 00:03:02,547 Yeah. 52 00:03:04,925 --> 00:03:07,423 Ugh. 53 00:03:08,051 --> 00:03:10,383 - What is this? - Water. 54 00:03:10,384 --> 00:03:14,641 Are you crazy? I almost drowned in that stuff. 55 00:03:18,094 --> 00:03:19,801 Where's my little hard body? 56 00:03:19,802 --> 00:03:23,899 He took off with that girl you brought home. 57 00:03:25,137 --> 00:03:27,678 Other than that, your plan worked like a charm. 58 00:03:27,679 --> 00:03:32,138 Fine, go ahead and mock me, but I could've died out there. 59 00:03:32,139 --> 00:03:35,388 Well, the sea is a harsh mistress... 60 00:03:35,389 --> 00:03:37,887 ...and you're a moron. 61 00:03:39,515 --> 00:03:42,023 What? You said to mock you. 62 00:03:42,058 --> 00:03:44,182 - It's no joke, Alan. - Oh, come on. 63 00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:46,891 You tried to scam your way into a surf bunny's shorts... 64 00:03:46,892 --> 00:03:50,767 ...and ended up French kissing a handsome young lifeguard. 65 00:03:50,768 --> 00:03:53,266 How is that not a joke? 66 00:03:54,059 --> 00:03:56,557 It's not a joke because... 67 00:03:58,019 --> 00:04:01,476 ...something happened out there while I was drowning. 68 00:04:01,477 --> 00:04:05,811 What, did your entire sordid, degenerate life flash before your eyes? 69 00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:08,310 I wish. 70 00:04:09,229 --> 00:04:11,938 No, no, no. It was- 71 00:04:12,314 --> 00:04:14,271 Ah, you're not gonna believe me. 72 00:04:14,272 --> 00:04:16,770 Try me. 73 00:04:17,689 --> 00:04:19,314 I saw Dad. 74 00:04:19,315 --> 00:04:21,813 Oh, baloney. 75 00:04:22,107 --> 00:04:23,939 You know what? Just forget it. 76 00:04:23,940 --> 00:04:26,606 Oh, come on, it was probably just a hallucination... 77 00:04:26,607 --> 00:04:30,444 ...caused by, you know, brain cells dying. 78 00:04:31,442 --> 00:04:33,940 No, I'm used to that. 79 00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:37,985 This was no hallucination. 80 00:04:38,152 --> 00:04:40,860 Dad was right there in the water with me. 81 00:04:40,861 --> 00:04:42,860 All right, for the sake of argument... 82 00:04:42,861 --> 00:04:46,235 ...let's assume that you saw the spirit of our dead father. 83 00:04:46,236 --> 00:04:49,695 What did he do, reach a hand out to guide you to the great beyond? 84 00:04:49,696 --> 00:04:52,194 Don't be ridiculous. 85 00:04:52,862 --> 00:04:55,360 He didn't have hands. 86 00:04:56,405 --> 00:05:00,196 It was just his head kind of floating there... 87 00:05:00,197 --> 00:05:04,198 ...like the great and powerful Oz. 88 00:05:05,865 --> 00:05:08,363 Or one of the Pep Boys. 89 00:05:09,866 --> 00:05:11,573 Wow. 90 00:05:11,574 --> 00:05:13,199 Manny, Moe or Jack? 91 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,698 Jack. 92 00:05:18,201 --> 00:05:19,700 And he spoke to me. 93 00:05:19,701 --> 00:05:22,700 Oh. Oh. You were able to hear him underwater? 94 00:05:22,701 --> 00:05:23,909 How weird. 95 00:05:23,910 --> 00:05:26,868 Oh, that's the part that bumps you? 96 00:05:26,869 --> 00:05:30,118 You were able to hear him because you were imagining it. 97 00:05:30,119 --> 00:05:32,869 - It was in your head. - No. Oh, no. 98 00:05:32,870 --> 00:05:36,536 In a million years, my mind could not have made up what he said to me. 99 00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:39,035 What did he say? 100 00:05:39,288 --> 00:05:42,579 Something that made my blood run cold. 101 00:05:42,580 --> 00:05:45,078 What? 102 00:05:45,706 --> 00:05:48,164 - Never mind, I probably heard him wrong. - Charlie. 103 00:05:48,165 --> 00:05:49,998 Please don't make me say it. 104 00:05:49,999 --> 00:05:52,082 Come on, Charlie, I am your brother. 105 00:05:52,083 --> 00:05:56,260 Whatever it was, we'll deal with it together. 106 00:05:57,250 --> 00:05:59,166 He said: 107 00:05:59,167 --> 00:06:01,667 "Take care of your mother." 108 00:06:07,628 --> 00:06:10,126 Well, good luck with that. 109 00:06:15,670 --> 00:06:18,168 - Hey. - Hey. 110 00:06:18,338 --> 00:06:21,046 Dad said you almost drowned today. 111 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,589 - Yep. - Are you okay now? 112 00:06:24,130 --> 00:06:25,796 I'm fine. 113 00:06:25,797 --> 00:06:27,713 Can I ask you a question? 114 00:06:27,714 --> 00:06:31,173 - Sure. - It's about what happens when you die. 115 00:06:31,174 --> 00:06:32,631 Okay. 116 00:06:32,632 --> 00:06:35,130 Who gets your car? 117 00:06:37,258 --> 00:06:39,756 Go away. 118 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:43,257 You're right. Not a good time to ask. 119 00:06:44,050 --> 00:06:45,884 So... 120 00:06:45,885 --> 00:06:48,383 ...what you doing? 121 00:06:48,468 --> 00:06:50,759 Thinking about Dad. 122 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:53,218 Yeah, about that. 123 00:06:53,219 --> 00:06:56,094 I was wondering, when you saw him... 124 00:06:56,095 --> 00:07:00,846 ...assuming you saw him, did he ask about me? 125 00:07:02,013 --> 00:07:05,721 No, he just said, "Take care of your mother." 126 00:07:05,722 --> 00:07:06,929 Huh. 127 00:07:06,930 --> 00:07:08,763 Didn't mention me at all? 128 00:07:08,764 --> 00:07:10,013 Nope. 129 00:07:10,014 --> 00:07:12,512 Typical. 130 00:07:12,889 --> 00:07:14,097 Oh, here we go. 131 00:07:14,098 --> 00:07:16,722 I'm saying, the guy doesn't get in touch for 30 years. 132 00:07:16,723 --> 00:07:19,890 It wouldn't kill him to throw in a quick, "Hello, Alan." 133 00:07:19,891 --> 00:07:22,349 Dead or alive, that's just rude. 134 00:07:22,350 --> 00:07:24,891 Tell you what, why don't you go fill up the tub... 135 00:07:24,892 --> 00:07:27,141 ...I'll hold your head under the water until the bubbles stop... 136 00:07:27,142 --> 00:07:30,392 ...and then you can tell him how offended you are. 137 00:07:30,393 --> 00:07:34,300 Oh, no. I have nothing to say to him now. 138 00:07:37,186 --> 00:07:40,061 How does he expect me to take care of her? 139 00:07:40,062 --> 00:07:44,395 I don't know. Why don't you try treating her like a human being? 140 00:07:44,396 --> 00:07:46,894 No, that can't be it. 141 00:07:47,021 --> 00:07:49,979 What if I put her in an assisted living facility? 142 00:07:49,980 --> 00:07:52,021 That's ridiculous. She's a healthy woman. 143 00:07:52,022 --> 00:07:54,647 I'm not saying she wouldn't put up a fight. 144 00:07:54,648 --> 00:07:57,064 But, hey, crumble up a few Xanax in her mimosa... 145 00:07:57,065 --> 00:08:01,398 ...and we could probably coax her into a cave full of bats. 146 00:08:01,399 --> 00:08:03,857 I don't think that's what Dad meant. 147 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:05,857 How do you know? Did he talk to you? 148 00:08:05,858 --> 00:08:08,356 No. He talked to me. 149 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,898 Sure, rub my nose in it. 150 00:08:10,901 --> 00:08:12,192 How about this? 151 00:08:12,193 --> 00:08:15,943 When was the last time you called her to see how she was doing? 152 00:08:15,944 --> 00:08:17,485 Uh... Ooh. 153 00:08:17,486 --> 00:08:19,194 - What's today? Sunday? - Mm. 154 00:08:19,195 --> 00:08:21,527 Then never. 155 00:08:21,528 --> 00:08:24,325 Why don't you start with that? 156 00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:27,571 Okay, fine. 157 00:08:27,738 --> 00:08:29,445 Remember her number? 158 00:08:29,446 --> 00:08:31,404 I've got it on speed dial. 159 00:08:31,405 --> 00:08:33,947 Six, six, six. 160 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:36,612 Cute, huh? 161 00:08:38,406 --> 00:08:40,614 Hey, Mom. It's Charlie. 162 00:08:40,615 --> 00:08:44,531 Nothing's the matter, I just called to see how you're doing. 163 00:08:44,532 --> 00:08:46,115 No, I'm not drunk. 164 00:08:46,116 --> 00:08:49,949 I was just thinking about you and thought I'd call. 165 00:08:49,950 --> 00:08:52,533 I swear to God I'm not drunk. 166 00:08:52,534 --> 00:08:57,034 Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, you happy? 167 00:08:57,035 --> 00:08:58,284 So, what's going on? 168 00:08:58,285 --> 00:09:00,535 I haven't talked to you in a whi- 169 00:09:00,536 --> 00:09:03,453 Well, I'm talking to you now. 170 00:09:05,454 --> 00:09:08,704 Okay. Okay. Okay. 171 00:09:08,871 --> 00:09:11,369 Okay. Excuse me? 172 00:09:11,413 --> 00:09:14,997 Okay. Okay. Okay. 173 00:09:15,456 --> 00:09:17,079 So... 174 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:19,578 ...everything okay? 175 00:09:20,373 --> 00:09:22,873 I'm taking her to lunch tomorrow. 176 00:09:22,874 --> 00:09:24,914 Voluntarily? 177 00:09:24,915 --> 00:09:28,373 Wow, you must have really had a spiritual experience out there. 178 00:09:28,374 --> 00:09:32,749 Let's face it, Alan, when Dad was alive, I was a rotten son. 179 00:09:32,750 --> 00:09:34,083 Oh, you sure were. 180 00:09:34,084 --> 00:09:36,166 You were horrible. I remember the time- 181 00:09:36,167 --> 00:09:38,417 The point is... 182 00:09:38,418 --> 00:09:41,418 ...maybe I've got a chance to make up for it now. 183 00:09:41,419 --> 00:09:45,544 He wants me to take care of Mom, then that's what we're gonna do. 184 00:09:45,545 --> 00:09:49,253 Well, that's ver- Wait a minute, did you say "we"? 185 00:09:49,254 --> 00:09:51,378 - I'm not going. - Fine. 186 00:09:51,379 --> 00:09:56,003 Next time I see our father's floating head, I'm gonna tell him you refused to help. 187 00:09:56,004 --> 00:09:59,587 "I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna tell him." God, you're such a child. 188 00:09:59,588 --> 00:10:02,126 - So you're coming? - Yeah. 189 00:10:04,589 --> 00:10:09,257 I can't tell you what a treat it is to have lunch with my two favorite sons. 190 00:10:09,258 --> 00:10:11,298 You have others? 191 00:10:11,299 --> 00:10:13,837 It's an expression, Charlie. 192 00:10:13,883 --> 00:10:16,258 Although I do sponsor a little boy in Africa. 193 00:10:16,259 --> 00:10:19,806 - No kidding. - Oh, yes, little Mabutu. 194 00:10:20,426 --> 00:10:25,593 He's in the middle of a civil war and I still hear from him more than you. 195 00:10:25,594 --> 00:10:30,010 Alan, tell Mom what that little rascal Jake's been up to. 196 00:10:30,011 --> 00:10:32,809 He hasn't been up to anything. 197 00:10:36,262 --> 00:10:38,760 Okay. So... 198 00:10:41,263 --> 00:10:43,138 I think I'll go to the bathroom. 199 00:10:43,139 --> 00:10:46,430 - Why? - What do you mean, why? I have to go. 200 00:10:46,431 --> 00:10:48,931 When was the last time you had a prostate exam? 201 00:10:48,932 --> 00:10:50,723 It feels like I'm having one now. 202 00:10:50,724 --> 00:10:53,265 I'm just expressing concern for your health. 203 00:10:53,266 --> 00:10:56,557 - You don't have to get snippy. - I'm not being snippy. 204 00:10:56,558 --> 00:10:59,406 Is it just me or is he snippy? 205 00:11:00,100 --> 00:11:01,558 Try living with him. 206 00:11:01,559 --> 00:11:03,267 Excuse me. 207 00:11:03,268 --> 00:11:04,975 All right, what's going on? 208 00:11:04,976 --> 00:11:07,267 What makes you think something's going on? 209 00:11:07,268 --> 00:11:10,226 When one of my sons calls me for no reason... 210 00:11:10,227 --> 00:11:13,602 ...and agrees to take me to lunch, something heinous is going on. 211 00:11:13,603 --> 00:11:17,436 I took you to lunch two weeks ago for no reason other than I love you. 212 00:11:17,437 --> 00:11:20,437 Oh, yes, the tacky little chain restaurant in the Valley. 213 00:11:20,438 --> 00:11:25,021 That fish shot out of me like there was a fire drill. 214 00:11:25,022 --> 00:11:27,520 The point is I love you. 215 00:11:27,772 --> 00:11:31,919 The point is I lost four pounds in two days. 216 00:11:32,690 --> 00:11:36,023 - Well, you do look thinner. - It's too late for flattery, darling. 217 00:11:36,024 --> 00:11:39,608 Now, what is going on with your brother? 218 00:11:39,609 --> 00:11:41,608 I don't think he'd be happy with me if I told you. 219 00:11:41,609 --> 00:11:45,896 Sweetheart, you're not his favorite person now. 220 00:11:46,026 --> 00:11:48,776 Okay. Here's the thing: 221 00:11:49,277 --> 00:11:51,443 Charlie almost drowned yesterday. 222 00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:52,693 Oh, dear Lord. 223 00:11:52,694 --> 00:11:57,153 I told him over and over again, two drinks max in the hot tub. 224 00:11:57,154 --> 00:11:58,445 No, he was surfing. 225 00:11:58,446 --> 00:12:00,737 - In the hot tub? - In the ocean. 226 00:12:00,738 --> 00:12:02,528 Start again. 227 00:12:02,529 --> 00:12:04,903 He was trying to impress some girl. 228 00:12:04,904 --> 00:12:08,654 Ah. Oh, okay. Like the time he broke his nose playing tetherball. 229 00:12:08,655 --> 00:12:10,029 Exactly. 230 00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:14,157 Anyway, he was convinced he was near death... 231 00:12:14,948 --> 00:12:17,282 ...and that he saw Dad. 232 00:12:17,283 --> 00:12:19,781 He saw your father? 233 00:12:20,283 --> 00:12:22,657 Wow. 234 00:12:22,658 --> 00:12:24,408 How'd he look? 235 00:12:24,409 --> 00:12:26,449 Uh, he was just kind of a floating head. 236 00:12:26,450 --> 00:12:28,950 Yeah, that's pretty much how I remember him. 237 00:12:28,951 --> 00:12:31,409 Fairly useless from the neck down. 238 00:12:31,410 --> 00:12:35,619 Anyway, Dad told Charlie to take care of you. 239 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,618 Really? 240 00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:43,453 - Anything else? - Nope, that's it. 241 00:12:43,454 --> 00:12:47,412 Just for him to take care of you. It's like I might as well not even exist. 242 00:12:47,413 --> 00:12:50,037 Oh, Alan, you can't take that personally. 243 00:12:50,038 --> 00:12:53,622 First of all, Charlie was a planned baby. 244 00:12:53,623 --> 00:12:55,330 What was I? 245 00:12:55,331 --> 00:13:01,706 Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom. 246 00:13:02,791 --> 00:13:06,958 I had a nice, solid stream of urine, thank you very much. 247 00:13:06,959 --> 00:13:09,737 - What? - My prostate is fine. 248 00:13:09,793 --> 00:13:11,917 What kind of table talk is that? 249 00:13:11,918 --> 00:13:13,292 You brought it up. 250 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:17,959 Doesn't matter who brought it up. I don't wanna hear about it when I'm eating. 251 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,460 You know what? This lunch was a bad idea. 252 00:13:20,461 --> 00:13:23,586 Oh, no, don't say that, darling, it was a wonderful idea. 253 00:13:23,587 --> 00:13:26,128 If I'm being ungracious, I apologize. 254 00:13:26,129 --> 00:13:32,213 All right, let's call it ungracious. Though we all know what we're thinking. 255 00:13:32,214 --> 00:13:36,440 I guess I'm just a little edgy because, well- 256 00:13:38,673 --> 00:13:40,589 - Never mind. - What? 257 00:13:40,590 --> 00:13:43,465 Forget it. My problems are my problems. 258 00:13:43,466 --> 00:13:47,425 I don't expect you to take care of me. 259 00:13:50,175 --> 00:13:56,342 Mom, just for the sake of argument, let's say that I wanted to take care of you. 260 00:13:56,343 --> 00:13:59,052 - What's going on? - Nothing. 261 00:13:59,218 --> 00:14:02,135 I'm just having a little minor surgery tomorrow. 262 00:14:02,136 --> 00:14:04,677 - What kind of surgery? - It's a woman thing. 263 00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:06,552 Anything I can do? 264 00:14:06,553 --> 00:14:09,221 Just keep me in your prayers. 265 00:14:09,804 --> 00:14:12,179 No, no, no. I will drive you there... 266 00:14:12,180 --> 00:14:14,804 ...then take you to my place so you can recuperate. 267 00:14:14,805 --> 00:14:18,929 Oh, sweetheart, that's very generous, but I don't want to be a burden. 268 00:14:18,930 --> 00:14:20,430 Mom, please. 269 00:14:20,431 --> 00:14:22,929 That ship has sailed. 270 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:26,141 Well, then I accept. 271 00:14:26,308 --> 00:14:28,806 Thank you. 272 00:14:31,641 --> 00:14:34,759 Who buys condoms at a gas station? 273 00:14:42,102 --> 00:14:44,600 Watch your step here. 274 00:14:53,938 --> 00:14:56,436 Thank you, darling. 275 00:15:03,147 --> 00:15:07,439 - What happened to your mouth? - I just had a little procedure. 276 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,898 What kind of procedure? 277 00:15:08,899 --> 00:15:14,684 They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips. 278 00:15:15,316 --> 00:15:18,644 What did they do, use the whole ass? 279 00:15:20,401 --> 00:15:21,983 They're just a little swollen. 280 00:15:21,984 --> 00:15:26,692 In two days, they'll be plump, luscious and ready for action. 281 00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:30,110 What boy doesn't like hearing that from his mother? 282 00:15:30,111 --> 00:15:32,699 Charlie, I need to sit down. 283 00:15:32,737 --> 00:15:34,236 Got you covered. 284 00:15:34,237 --> 00:15:36,903 I thought- I thought you said it was a woman thing. 285 00:15:36,904 --> 00:15:41,051 Do you know any guys dumb enough to do this? 286 00:15:41,197 --> 00:15:42,987 Good Lord. 287 00:15:42,988 --> 00:15:46,186 What did you do, fellate a beehive? 288 00:15:47,365 --> 00:15:48,739 Fellate? 289 00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:51,491 I read. I can conjugate. 290 00:15:52,491 --> 00:15:54,657 Man, the last time I saw a mouth like that... 291 00:15:54,658 --> 00:15:58,415 ...it was trying to eat Jacques Cousteau. 292 00:16:04,326 --> 00:16:05,742 Here you go, Mom. 293 00:16:05,743 --> 00:16:09,160 - Nice bite-size pieces. - Thank you, darling. 294 00:16:09,161 --> 00:16:12,858 Dad says you got your butt in your lips. 295 00:16:17,704 --> 00:16:20,120 - Just eat your dinner. - Hang on. 296 00:16:20,121 --> 00:16:24,927 So if you burped now, it'd really be a fart, right? 297 00:16:28,748 --> 00:16:31,246 Eat. 298 00:16:32,498 --> 00:16:35,623 Charlie, my doughnut's too soft. 299 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:41,832 So, Jake, has your mother succeeded in turning you against me yet? 300 00:16:41,833 --> 00:16:43,207 Mom. 301 00:16:43,208 --> 00:16:45,333 What? You don't think she talks? 302 00:16:45,334 --> 00:16:46,916 You don't think he listens? 303 00:16:46,917 --> 00:16:49,500 Trust me, Alan, even the mind of a dull child... 304 00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:52,209 ...can be poisoned by a malicious parent. 305 00:16:52,210 --> 00:16:54,169 Can we just please change the subject? 306 00:16:54,170 --> 00:16:57,002 Although I must say, I prefer your mother... 307 00:16:57,003 --> 00:17:00,878 ...to that post-pubescent knucklehead your father replaced her with. 308 00:17:00,879 --> 00:17:02,545 Okay. Okay, that's it. 309 00:17:02,546 --> 00:17:05,337 - I changed the subject. - Jake, we're going to the movies. 310 00:17:05,338 --> 00:17:08,671 - On a school night? - Why not? You're flunking anyway. 311 00:17:08,672 --> 00:17:10,671 Wait, wait, you're just leaving me? 312 00:17:10,672 --> 00:17:12,839 You're taking care of Mom, remember? 313 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,047 That's not fair. 314 00:17:14,048 --> 00:17:18,674 You got a complaint, take it to the floating head. 315 00:17:23,134 --> 00:17:25,632 - So how's work? - Fine. 316 00:17:25,842 --> 00:17:27,758 You seeing anybody special? 317 00:17:27,759 --> 00:17:30,134 Nope. 318 00:17:30,135 --> 00:17:34,884 Charlie, did you ever stop to think that our relationship is strained... 319 00:17:34,885 --> 00:17:38,177 ...because you won't let me in, you won't share? 320 00:17:38,178 --> 00:17:40,302 You know why I won't share with you, Mom? 321 00:17:40,303 --> 00:17:42,636 Because anything I say will be used against me. 322 00:17:42,637 --> 00:17:44,886 - Oh, please. - I have to go to the bathroom... 323 00:17:44,887 --> 00:17:46,845 ...maybe I have a prostate problem. 324 00:17:46,846 --> 00:17:51,179 I buy a new Mercedes, you call it a Nazi phallic symbol. 325 00:17:51,180 --> 00:17:56,389 I'm seeing someone new, you ask if I'm paying her by the hour or per schtup. 326 00:17:56,390 --> 00:17:59,639 Charlie, when I say those things, it's because I want to help you. 327 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,348 You're my son. I want you to be the best you can be. 328 00:18:03,349 --> 00:18:05,973 I appreciate that, but you can stop worrying. 329 00:18:05,974 --> 00:18:07,224 I'm doing fine. 330 00:18:07,225 --> 00:18:09,723 I am the best I can be. 331 00:18:10,017 --> 00:18:13,534 Oh, darling, that just breaks my heart. 332 00:18:22,686 --> 00:18:24,894 Why would he do this to me? 333 00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:27,393 "Take care of your mother." 334 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:29,811 Not like she ever took care of him. 335 00:18:29,812 --> 00:18:34,522 She nagged him, humiliated him, emasculated him. 336 00:18:34,688 --> 00:18:39,022 Main reason he died so young is because he wanted to. 337 00:18:39,023 --> 00:18:42,523 Charlie, my doughnut's soft again. 338 00:18:42,690 --> 00:18:45,188 Be right there. 339 00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:46,899 Why? 340 00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:49,357 Why do you want me to take care of her? 341 00:18:49,358 --> 00:18:51,816 Charlie. 342 00:18:51,817 --> 00:18:53,524 I'm coming. 343 00:18:53,525 --> 00:18:55,108 Come on, talk to me. 344 00:18:55,109 --> 00:18:56,984 Give me a sign. 345 00:18:56,985 --> 00:19:01,194 Marry that cute girl down the beach. 346 00:19:02,235 --> 00:19:03,443 Rose. 347 00:19:03,444 --> 00:19:06,445 Yes, that's her name. 348 00:19:07,904 --> 00:19:10,194 You know what? You can tell me in person... 349 00:19:10,195 --> 00:19:14,571 ...because I am this close to sticking my tongue in a light socket. 350 00:19:14,572 --> 00:19:16,279 Why don't you stick your tongue... 351 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,738 ...in my mouth instead? 352 00:19:18,739 --> 00:19:22,406 I mean, Rose's mouth. 353 00:19:26,782 --> 00:19:28,198 Yeah, boss? 354 00:19:28,199 --> 00:19:30,707 Shut the door and sit down. 355 00:19:31,241 --> 00:19:34,199 - What are you watching? - Some old gangster movie. 356 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,992 I think she's gonna sing like a bird. 357 00:19:36,993 --> 00:19:38,658 Any good? 358 00:19:38,659 --> 00:19:40,534 Not really. 359 00:19:40,535 --> 00:19:42,701 It just gives me a warm feeling to know... 360 00:19:42,702 --> 00:19:47,678 ...that all those young, beautiful actors are now dead. 361 00:19:48,328 --> 00:19:50,286 The dame knows too much. 362 00:19:50,287 --> 00:19:54,144 You want I should take care of her, boss? 363 00:19:57,371 --> 00:19:59,788 Yeah, take care of her. 364 00:19:59,789 --> 00:20:02,906 But make it look like an accident. 365 00:20:04,540 --> 00:20:06,330 Don't worry about a thing. 366 00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:08,829 I'll take care of her. 367 00:20:09,582 --> 00:20:12,707 Sorry, I misunderstood. 368 00:20:15,041 --> 00:20:17,457 What's that, dear? 369 00:20:17,458 --> 00:20:19,956 Nothing. 370 00:20:33,003 --> 00:20:35,044 Hi. 371 00:20:35,045 --> 00:20:37,087 Hello. 372 00:20:37,088 --> 00:20:39,712 I don't know if you remember me. I pulled you out... 373 00:20:39,713 --> 00:20:42,712 - ...of the ocean the other day. - Oh, right, right, right. 374 00:20:42,713 --> 00:20:45,129 - Thanks. - It's okay. It's my job. 375 00:20:45,130 --> 00:20:47,546 Well, I'm glad you did it. 376 00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:50,380 I was just checking in, see how you're doing. 377 00:20:50,381 --> 00:20:53,132 - I'm doing fine. - Good. 378 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:59,706 So you wanna walk down to the pier, maybe grab a cup of coffee? 379 00:21:07,551 --> 00:21:09,760 Gee, uh, I don't know. 380 00:21:09,761 --> 00:21:11,301 Charlie. 381 00:21:11,302 --> 00:21:14,710 It's time to change my butt dressing. 382 00:21:16,887 --> 00:21:19,525 Ah, what the hell, let's go.