0
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,800
English Subtitles, renamed for "LP" WebDL release :)
Two and a Half Men S03E19 - Golly Moses, She's A Muffin - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

1
00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:04,962
You're up early.

2
00:00:05,129 --> 00:00:07,757
Well, it's a beautiful day,
shame to waste it sleeping.

3
00:00:07,924 --> 00:00:10,551
- Must've got to bed early then.
- I guess.

4
00:00:10,718 --> 00:00:12,887
Well, you know what they say.

5
00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:17,934
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man
healthy, wealthy and can't get laid, huh?

6
00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:20,436
Maybe I'm not trying.

7
00:00:20,603 --> 00:00:23,773
Yeah. And look for me next month
on the cover of Maxim.

8
00:00:25,233 --> 00:00:27,860
I'll have nothing on but the vacuum.

9
00:00:29,612 --> 00:00:33,115
- Hey, you're up early.
- Yes, Alan, I'm up early.

10
00:00:33,282 --> 00:00:36,953
I went to bed early and I slept alone.
Anything else you wanna know?

11
00:00:37,328 --> 00:00:39,372
Was I this cranky
when I wasn't having sex?

12
00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:42,291
No,
you were more of a sullen whiner.

13
00:00:43,459 --> 00:00:47,088
- Okay, Huggy Bear, I gotta go.
- Oh, all right, Kandi, have a good day.

14
00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:49,632
Yo, Daisy Mae.

15
00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:53,803
Just out of curiosity, when you
leave here, where is it you go?

16
00:00:53,970 --> 00:00:58,307
To the gym. I have to take care
of my body because it's my instrument.

17
00:00:59,141 --> 00:01:01,185
Mine too.

18
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:05,189
Three beers and a bratwurst
and my ass turns into a French horn.

19
00:01:07,274 --> 00:01:10,945
Really? Whenever I have beer
and bratwurst I just fart a lot.

20
00:01:12,488 --> 00:01:15,241
Okay. Okay, Kandi, well,
I'll see you tonight.

21
00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:16,909
Bye, everybody.

22
00:01:17,076 --> 00:01:18,119
Congratulations, Alan.

23
00:01:18,285 --> 00:01:21,372
It looks like you've officially
boinked her brains out.

24
00:01:22,915 --> 00:01:25,292
Okay, so she's not
overly sophisticated.

25
00:01:25,459 --> 00:01:29,171
Sophisticated? She's two marbles
rolling around in a tin can.

26
00:01:29,338 --> 00:01:33,259
Hey, hey, she's got a great heart,
she's warm and loving.

27
00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:37,096
- And she genuinely cares for me.
- I stand corrected.

28
00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:39,098
One marble.

29
00:01:40,850 --> 00:01:43,978
Look, buddy, I'm happy
you finally found an instrument to play...

30
00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:46,689
...that isn't in your own pants.

31
00:01:47,398 --> 00:01:49,442
But she's been spending
a lot of time here.

32
00:01:49,608 --> 00:01:52,069
If you're not careful,
she's gonna wanna move in.

33
00:01:52,903 --> 00:01:54,196
Would that be so bad?

34
00:01:55,072 --> 00:01:57,408
Hey, I don't have a lot of rules
around here...

35
00:01:57,575 --> 00:02:00,536
...but nine of the top ten
are just different ways of saying:

36
00:02:00,703 --> 00:02:03,038
"Women are not allowed
to live here."

37
00:02:03,205 --> 00:02:04,957
They come and they go.

38
00:02:05,124 --> 00:02:09,253
Often they do one of those multiple
times, but in the end they always go.

39
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:11,672
But why is that so important?

40
00:02:11,839 --> 00:02:16,093
Alan, there's a natural balance
in this house, which must not be upset.

41
00:02:16,260 --> 00:02:17,970
It's like the Amazon rain forest.

42
00:02:18,137 --> 00:02:20,181
You bring in one too many
spider monkeys...

43
00:02:20,347 --> 00:02:22,475
...you're up to your ass in tree frogs.

44
00:02:22,683 --> 00:02:25,394
Oh tree frogs.
That clears up everything.

45
00:02:25,561 --> 00:02:28,439
Don't patronize me,
you hump-happy simpleton.

46
00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:30,983
- You know what I'm saying.
- I do.

47
00:02:31,150 --> 00:02:34,612
If Kandi were to move in here,
it would be an environmental disaster...

48
00:02:34,778 --> 00:02:36,614
- ...of epic proportions.
- Exactly.

49
00:02:36,780 --> 00:02:40,159
She's been living here
the past three weeks.

50
00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:44,163
- What?
- Who's the simpleton now?

51
00:02:44,914 --> 00:02:48,542
Kandi got evicted from her apartment
three weeks ago and she moved in here.

52
00:02:48,709 --> 00:02:52,379
Oh, please, if a woman was living
in my own house for that long...

53
00:02:52,546 --> 00:02:54,048
...I think I'd notice.

54
00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:58,469
Oh, really? Really?
Well, let's try a little experiment.

55
00:02:58,636 --> 00:03:01,013
What color is the couch
in the living room?

56
00:03:02,723 --> 00:03:06,477
- The couch?
- No peeking. What color is it?

57
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,814
Well, it's kind of a...

58
00:03:10,981 --> 00:03:14,068
Beige-ish...

59
00:03:18,322 --> 00:03:19,823
Tan.

60
00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:22,368
- You sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

61
00:03:22,910 --> 00:03:26,330
- Go look.
- Fine.

62
00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:34,463
What the hell is that?

63
00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:35,839
Your couch.

64
00:03:36,006 --> 00:03:38,175
Jake spilled grape juice on it
last summer.

65
00:03:38,550 --> 00:03:39,677
I had it reupholstered.

66
00:03:39,843 --> 00:03:42,554
- Last summer?
- Yeah, it was gone almost a month.

67
00:03:42,721 --> 00:03:45,474
Berta and I bet
on how long it would take you to notice.

68
00:03:45,641 --> 00:03:48,352
I had 50 bucks on never.

69
00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:51,230
All right, all right this is unacceptable.

70
00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:54,942
This is my house and if furniture's
gonna get reupholstered or moved...

71
00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:58,445
...or changed in any way whatsoever,
I demand to be consulted.

72
00:03:58,612 --> 00:04:01,448
- Okay, from now on. I promise.
- Thank you.

73
00:04:04,034 --> 00:04:06,453
I bought the damn thing.

74
00:04:06,620 --> 00:04:10,666
Think I'd have a vote,
maybe show me a swatch.

75
00:04:13,752 --> 00:04:17,756
Hey, wait a minute,
did somebody say Kandi's living here?

76
00:04:45,993 --> 00:04:47,494
Boy, am I thirsty.

77
00:04:47,661 --> 00:04:50,289
That's because you sweat so much
during sex.

78
00:04:51,081 --> 00:04:53,250
I may not have the biggest boat
in the marina.

79
00:04:53,417 --> 00:04:55,794
But nobody rows harder than me.

80
00:04:57,337 --> 00:04:58,547
You have a boat?

81
00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:02,051
- No, sweetie, what I meant was...
- Hey, hey, hey.

82
00:05:02,217 --> 00:05:05,471
Some of us don't wanna hear
about your little dinghy.

83
00:05:06,555 --> 00:05:09,433
- Oh, hi, Charlie.
- What're you doing here?

84
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,393
I was asking myself the same thing...

85
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:15,230
...so I did a little research
and it turns out it's my house.

86
00:05:16,523 --> 00:05:18,400
Yeah, but I thought
you were going out.

87
00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:21,904
- I did go out. And then I came back.
- Alone?

88
00:05:22,070 --> 00:05:24,823
No, Alan, I brought home
an invisible cocktail waitress.

89
00:05:26,283 --> 00:05:28,118
She's doing me even as we speak.

90
00:05:29,661 --> 00:05:32,498
You're right. There's no way
you could've been that cranky.

91
00:05:34,082 --> 00:05:35,584
You want some company, Charlie?

92
00:05:35,751 --> 00:05:38,128
Alan can't have sex again
for at least 30 minutes.

93
00:05:41,548 --> 00:05:44,051
That's a rough estimate.

94
00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:46,553
Thanks, but I'd really rather be alone.

95
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:50,516
Okey-doke. Come on,
I think he wants to masturbate.

96
00:05:56,104 --> 00:05:58,690
Not for at least 30 minutes.

97
00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:10,035
Okay, I haven't sampled anything
from the other side of the buffet...

98
00:06:10,202 --> 00:06:12,746
...since I traveled
with the Grateful Dead.

99
00:06:12,913 --> 00:06:15,541
But golly Moses, she's a muffin.

100
00:06:18,043 --> 00:06:19,753
Interesting turn of events, huh?

101
00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:22,798
Your brother hitting
one of your hand-me-downs.

102
00:06:22,965 --> 00:06:26,760
And you couldn't get laid if you
painted your penis to look like money.

103
00:06:27,803 --> 00:06:29,721
Don't think I haven't tried.

104
00:06:29,930 --> 00:06:33,559
I'm reminded of the tale
of the tortoise and the hare.

105
00:06:33,725 --> 00:06:35,811
Isn't there something
you could be doing?

106
00:06:36,353 --> 00:06:40,190
Well, I could go rub some oil on her,
but I don't trust myself.

107
00:06:42,025 --> 00:06:44,194
Berta, please don't take this
the wrong way...

108
00:06:44,361 --> 00:06:48,573
...but it's been a long time for me
and you're starting to turn me on.

109
00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:51,493
I'm out of here.

110
00:06:54,037 --> 00:06:56,790
- Hi, Berta.
- Hey, baby.

111
00:06:57,374 --> 00:06:59,918
- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi.

112
00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:04,381
- Boy, this is weird, huh?
- Ln so many ways.

113
00:07:04,589 --> 00:07:06,425
But which one caught your attention?

114
00:07:06,967 --> 00:07:09,303
Well, I've never slept
with brothers before.

115
00:07:09,469 --> 00:07:11,346
I mean at different times.

116
00:07:11,513 --> 00:07:14,766
And one can't help
but make comparisons.

117
00:07:15,392 --> 00:07:17,019
No kidding.

118
00:07:17,185 --> 00:07:20,772
So how big a difference
are we talking about?

119
00:07:20,939 --> 00:07:23,400
It's huge.

120
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:26,236
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

121
00:07:26,403 --> 00:07:28,989
With you, sex is kind of
like going on Space Mountain.

122
00:07:29,156 --> 00:07:32,534
It's a good ride,
but there's never any real danger.

123
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,829
With Alan, it's like being
in the back seat of a car...

124
00:07:35,996 --> 00:07:39,249
...driven by a really smart kangaroo.

125
00:07:41,501 --> 00:07:45,797
He may go up on the curb
a couple times, but he'll get you there.

126
00:07:47,549 --> 00:07:49,217
Okay.

127
00:07:49,384 --> 00:07:51,553
Thanks for clearing that up.

128
00:07:52,929 --> 00:07:54,681
I'll get it.

129
00:07:56,641 --> 00:08:00,062
There's a two hour wait
for Space Mountain.

130
00:08:02,522 --> 00:08:05,358
- Hi, Mrs. Harper.
- Oh, dear lord.

131
00:08:05,525 --> 00:08:07,360
Hey, Kandi,
I got Evil Dead 3 for Xbox.

132
00:08:07,527 --> 00:08:08,987
Sweet.

133
00:08:09,154 --> 00:08:12,199
Kandi, maybe you'd like to go
put some clothes on.

134
00:08:12,365 --> 00:08:15,869
- Why?
- Yeah, she ain't hurting anybody.

135
00:08:18,246 --> 00:08:21,416
I just don't think that outfit
is appropriate for Jake.

136
00:08:21,583 --> 00:08:25,962
Oh, I agree.
He would look ridiculous in this.

137
00:08:26,963 --> 00:08:28,256
Can you get Alan for me?

138
00:08:28,423 --> 00:08:30,634
- He's not back from work yet.
- He's not?

139
00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:34,679
- Then what are you doing here?
- I live here now. Didn't Alan tell you?

140
00:08:34,846 --> 00:08:36,890
No, he did not.

141
00:08:37,057 --> 00:08:40,143
- Charlie, I wanna talk to you.
- Good to know.

142
00:08:40,310 --> 00:08:41,853
Charlie, get over here.

143
00:08:44,815 --> 00:08:47,067
It was nice seeing you, Mrs. Harper.

144
00:08:50,028 --> 00:08:51,863
What in God's name
does she see in him?

145
00:08:52,364 --> 00:08:56,159
Well, I don't have all the details,
Mrs. Harper.

146
00:08:56,326 --> 00:08:58,662
But apparently
when he's not being emasculated...

147
00:08:58,829 --> 00:09:01,748
...and demoralized on a daily basis,
he's quite the lover.

148
00:09:01,915 --> 00:09:04,626
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You know what they say.

149
00:09:04,793 --> 00:09:06,795
Your average man's
like a good field mule.

150
00:09:06,962 --> 00:09:09,673
If you don't beat him,
he'll keep plowing all day long.

151
00:09:09,881 --> 00:09:13,760
- Nobody says that.
- You're hard to fool.

152
00:09:15,428 --> 00:09:18,473
Look, I don't mean to be rude,
but I'm tired of talking to you.

153
00:09:27,524 --> 00:09:29,776
Had an interesting chat
with your ex-wife.

154
00:09:29,943 --> 00:09:32,362
Oh, can't we just have a nice dinner?

155
00:09:32,571 --> 00:09:36,032
- I like her.
- Why?

156
00:09:37,117 --> 00:09:38,702
Why?

157
00:09:40,078 --> 00:09:42,122
Well, unlike most ex-wives
I've known...

158
00:09:42,289 --> 00:09:45,333
...she's never tried to run me over
with her car.

159
00:09:47,127 --> 00:09:49,754
Okay, new dinner conversation.

160
00:09:49,921 --> 00:09:51,256
Jake, how was school?

161
00:09:51,423 --> 00:09:54,718
I don't think this conversation'll
make you any happier, Dad.

162
00:09:56,261 --> 00:09:59,097
- What now?
- We had a surprise test today.

163
00:09:59,598 --> 00:10:02,976
- And?
- I was really surprised.

164
00:10:03,184 --> 00:10:05,145
So, in other words,
you weren't prepared.

165
00:10:05,312 --> 00:10:07,856
You can't prepare for a surprise, Dad.

166
00:10:09,024 --> 00:10:10,817
New conversation?

167
00:10:11,151 --> 00:10:14,487
Jake, what are we gonna do?
You've really fallen behind this year.

168
00:10:14,654 --> 00:10:18,074
I know. I think it's a delayed reaction
to your divorce.

169
00:10:19,659 --> 00:10:20,994
- Oh?
- Yeah.

170
00:10:21,161 --> 00:10:25,165
It took a while, but my teachers have
finally stopped feeling sorry for me.

171
00:10:25,582 --> 00:10:28,084
You know, I'm a child of divorce too,
Jake.

172
00:10:28,251 --> 00:10:30,920
Really? How old were you
when your parents split up?

173
00:10:31,087 --> 00:10:33,673
- Twenty-two.
- But you're 22 now.

174
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,717
Twenty-two and a half.

175
00:10:35,884 --> 00:10:38,553
Boy, what I'd give to be 22 again.

176
00:10:41,723 --> 00:10:42,766
New subject?

177
00:10:42,932 --> 00:10:47,187
No, no, no more conversation. Jake,
if you're finished, go do your homework.

178
00:10:47,354 --> 00:10:48,521
I'm gonna need help.

179
00:10:48,688 --> 00:10:51,524
- You don't need help, you need to focus.
- I'll help you.

180
00:10:51,691 --> 00:10:53,443
Do you know anything
about geometry?

181
00:10:53,610 --> 00:10:57,864
Well, I know it's what you say
when you turn into a tree.

182
00:10:58,031 --> 00:11:00,950
Get it? Gee, I'm a tree.

183
00:11:02,327 --> 00:11:03,453
Good one.

184
00:11:04,037 --> 00:11:05,580
Thanks.

185
00:11:06,081 --> 00:11:10,668
Boy, I hope when they get to Oz
the wizard has two brains to give out.

186
00:11:11,211 --> 00:11:13,463
And speaking of out,
when's Kandi leaving?

187
00:11:13,922 --> 00:11:16,091
- You don't have to worry.
- Because?

188
00:11:16,257 --> 00:11:17,842
I have a plan.

189
00:11:18,384 --> 00:11:20,428
Alan, if history has taught
us anything...

190
00:11:20,595 --> 00:11:23,473
...it's that both those statements
cannot be true.

191
00:11:24,349 --> 00:11:27,185
It's very simple.
You give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

192
00:11:27,352 --> 00:11:29,437
You teach him to fish,
he eats forever.

193
00:11:29,604 --> 00:11:33,399
Okay, okay, in that example
is Kandi the man or the fish?

194
00:11:34,317 --> 00:11:35,485
I found her a job.

195
00:11:35,652 --> 00:11:39,489
She'll be able to afford her own place
and she won't depend on me anymore.

196
00:11:39,656 --> 00:11:40,907
Where is she working?

197
00:11:41,533 --> 00:11:44,911
- She's gonna be my receptionist.
- That's your plan?

198
00:11:45,078 --> 00:11:49,290
Why it's brilliant.

199
00:11:50,041 --> 00:11:52,293
What, what?
She's attractive, she's friendly...

200
00:11:52,460 --> 00:11:55,088
...and she's more than capable
of answering the phones.

201
00:11:55,255 --> 00:11:57,799
You hear the expression
"don't crap where you eat"?

202
00:11:57,966 --> 00:12:01,928
Well, you, my friend, are dropping
plunkies all over the dessert cart.

203
00:12:03,763 --> 00:12:06,015
- Okay, you have a better solution?
- No, no, no.

204
00:12:06,182 --> 00:12:08,518
No, it's your girlfriend,
your office, your life.

205
00:12:08,685 --> 00:12:10,770
Screw it up however you think best.

206
00:12:12,397 --> 00:12:15,525
I'll get it. I'm expecting a call.

207
00:12:16,734 --> 00:12:18,278
Hello?

208
00:12:22,156 --> 00:12:24,576
Kandi, that's the TV remote.

209
00:12:29,122 --> 00:12:31,040
Hello?

210
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:34,043
Hello?

211
00:12:34,210 --> 00:12:37,005
Have you thought of teaching
a fish to answer your phones?

212
00:12:40,049 --> 00:12:41,509
Hello?

213
00:12:46,722 --> 00:12:48,390
- Staying in tonight?
- Yep.

214
00:12:48,557 --> 00:12:50,226
- Giving up on the ladies, huh?
- Yep.

215
00:12:50,392 --> 00:12:52,770
- Not even gonna try?
- Nope.

216
00:12:53,145 --> 00:12:55,272
You know, I got a niece in the joint.

217
00:12:55,439 --> 00:12:58,859
She doesn't look like much,
but she does get conjugal visits.

218
00:13:00,027 --> 00:13:01,070
I don't think so.

219
00:13:01,237 --> 00:13:04,824
Hold on, I might have a copy
of her mug shot. Here.

220
00:13:05,199 --> 00:13:06,700
She looks a little wall-eyed...

221
00:13:06,867 --> 00:13:10,621
...but that's because they had to
use a Taser to get her out of the shed.

222
00:13:11,455 --> 00:13:14,458
- The shed?
- She was running a meth lab.

223
00:13:14,625 --> 00:13:17,169
But you gotta admit,
she is nice and slender.

224
00:13:19,380 --> 00:13:22,383
- Thanks, but pass.
- Think about it.

225
00:13:22,550 --> 00:13:24,593
Visiting days
are Wednesdays and Fridays.

226
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,388
But if you decide to go,
be a sport, take her a pie.

227
00:13:28,973 --> 00:13:31,142
- Right.
- Make it something chewy.

228
00:13:31,308 --> 00:13:35,187
The prison dentist set her up
with some real nice teeth.

229
00:13:52,663 --> 00:13:54,039
Okay.

230
00:13:54,206 --> 00:13:56,500
Now this isn't my lamp.

231
00:13:59,044 --> 00:14:00,963
What happened to my lamp?

232
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,134
Unless this is my lamp.

233
00:14:06,218 --> 00:14:07,887
Yeah, this is my lamp.

234
00:14:08,053 --> 00:14:11,015
I bought this lamp to go
with my couch.

235
00:14:12,141 --> 00:14:15,019
My tan couch.

236
00:14:15,895 --> 00:14:17,187
Worst day of my life.

237
00:14:17,354 --> 00:14:19,481
Yeah, well, it was no picnic
for me either.

238
00:14:19,648 --> 00:14:22,526
- I don't know who you are anymore.
- You wanna know who I am?

239
00:14:22,693 --> 00:14:26,447
I'm the idiot paying you $10 an hour to
miss phone calls. Nap in the bathroom.

240
00:14:26,614 --> 00:14:28,490
Use my x-ray machine
on Mexican food.

241
00:14:28,657 --> 00:14:31,619
Well, I wanted to know
what's inside a Chimichanga.

242
00:14:31,785 --> 00:14:34,204
If you didn't know,
why'd you order it?

243
00:14:34,371 --> 00:14:36,206
Because it's fun to say Chimichanga.

244
00:14:37,875 --> 00:14:41,337
Chimichanga. See?

245
00:14:41,503 --> 00:14:44,757
So, how was work?

246
00:14:44,923 --> 00:14:47,134
Horrible.
All he did was boss me around:

247
00:14:47,301 --> 00:14:50,262
"Do this, do that, wake up."

248
00:14:51,305 --> 00:14:53,682
Maybe that's because I'm your boss.

249
00:14:53,849 --> 00:14:56,143
A stupid, stinky boss.

250
00:14:57,561 --> 00:14:59,855
Anybody wanna know
about my problems?

251
00:15:01,357 --> 00:15:03,442
It was supposed
to be Sloppy Joes for lunch.

252
00:15:03,609 --> 00:15:06,028
But instead they had fish sticks.

253
00:15:07,988 --> 00:15:09,531
Well, it ruined my day.

254
00:15:12,910 --> 00:15:15,079
No, no, no, I'll get it.
That's what I do.

255
00:15:15,245 --> 00:15:17,706
That's all I'm good for.

256
00:15:17,873 --> 00:15:20,876
Hello? Oh, fudge.

257
00:15:21,043 --> 00:15:24,671
Picture an entire day of this.

258
00:15:24,963 --> 00:15:28,092
With six lines.

259
00:15:29,218 --> 00:15:30,386
Hello?

260
00:15:30,552 --> 00:15:32,638
Oh, hi, Mrs. Harper.

261
00:15:32,805 --> 00:15:35,432
Oh, great. Kandi, Kandi,
give me the phone, give me...

262
00:15:35,599 --> 00:15:37,101
Back off buck-o.

263
00:15:37,935 --> 00:15:41,647
Was your ex-husband
always such a control freak?

264
00:15:41,814 --> 00:15:43,982
She says you were.

265
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:45,734
You know what he did today?

266
00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:48,237
Kandi, you don't have
to get into that with her.

267
00:15:48,404 --> 00:15:51,073
She says she wants to know.

268
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:57,121
Well, first of all at the office he tried
to make me call him Dr. Harper all day.

269
00:15:57,287 --> 00:16:00,249
And when I forgot he yelled at me.

270
00:16:00,457 --> 00:16:01,750
What?

271
00:16:01,917 --> 00:16:04,002
Chiropractors aren't really doctors.

272
00:16:06,922 --> 00:16:09,049
You liar.

273
00:16:11,260 --> 00:16:13,387
I so get why you dumped him.

274
00:16:14,263 --> 00:16:16,014
- Hey, Alan?
- What?

275
00:16:16,181 --> 00:16:18,559
Is this a new lamp?

276
00:16:18,767 --> 00:16:22,187
I would like that so much,
Mrs. Harper.

277
00:16:22,354 --> 00:16:25,941
Okay, I will call you Judith.
Great, I'll see you there.

278
00:16:27,359 --> 00:16:28,652
See her where?

279
00:16:28,819 --> 00:16:31,280
We're going out for a drink
and a little girl talk.

280
00:16:31,446 --> 00:16:33,115
Girl talk with my ex-wife?

281
00:16:33,282 --> 00:16:37,077
Her name is Judith,
Mr. "I'm not a doctor" Harper.

282
00:16:38,954 --> 00:16:40,539
Don't wait up.

283
00:16:42,708 --> 00:16:45,711
You just crapped
where you used to eat.

284
00:16:55,512 --> 00:16:57,222
- Hey.
- Hey.

285
00:16:57,389 --> 00:16:59,725
- What are you doing up so late?
- What time is it?

286
00:17:00,392 --> 00:17:01,518
It's 3 a.m.

287
00:17:02,019 --> 00:17:04,938
Oh, well then, I got my eight hours.

288
00:17:06,857 --> 00:17:09,151
What are you doing,
waiting up for Kandi?

289
00:17:09,318 --> 00:17:11,028
Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't sleep.

290
00:17:11,194 --> 00:17:13,530
So I thought I'd read a little.

291
00:17:14,740 --> 00:17:16,116
A furniture catalog?

292
00:17:18,452 --> 00:17:19,786
I like furniture.

293
00:17:21,246 --> 00:17:24,583
- Just looking at the pictures, huh?
- What are you getting at, Charlie?

294
00:17:24,750 --> 00:17:26,126
I think you buy things.

295
00:17:28,211 --> 00:17:31,840
I think you bought this lamp.

296
00:17:32,007 --> 00:17:35,135
- That lamp was here when I moved in.
- Oh, really?

297
00:17:35,302 --> 00:17:39,264
Charlie, I'm afraid that this dry streak
is starting to affect your mind.

298
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:45,062
Maybe you're right.

299
00:17:45,228 --> 00:17:48,023
Sure, this is my lamp.
I've had it for years.

300
00:17:48,190 --> 00:17:51,485
- The table it's on is new.
- I knew it.

301
00:17:54,404 --> 00:17:56,448
We don't wanna wake up
Mr. Alan Hitler.

302
00:17:56,615 --> 00:17:58,867
No, no, Osama bin Alan.

303
00:18:02,996 --> 00:18:06,166
- Busted.
- What the hell is going on here?

304
00:18:06,375 --> 00:18:08,085
The hell what is going on here...

305
00:18:08,251 --> 00:18:11,213
...is that I need an advance
on my "amilony."

306
00:18:12,381 --> 00:18:15,926
- Why?
- To pay Estefan, our limo driver.

307
00:18:16,093 --> 00:18:17,594
You took a limo?

308
00:18:17,761 --> 00:18:19,096
We couldn't find our cars...

309
00:18:19,262 --> 00:18:23,392
...and we spent all our money
on JELL-O shots, and chimichangas.

310
00:18:25,686 --> 00:18:27,062
All right, all right.

311
00:18:27,229 --> 00:18:30,232
Kandi, you need to go to bed.
We have to get up early for work.

312
00:18:30,399 --> 00:18:32,651
No, we don't. Because I quit.

313
00:18:32,859 --> 00:18:35,028
Why don't we talk
about this in the morning?

314
00:18:36,113 --> 00:18:38,740
All right, Judith,
here is you're "amilony".

315
00:18:39,491 --> 00:18:41,451
- Thank you.
- Go home.

316
00:18:41,618 --> 00:18:42,869
And Kandi, go to bed.

317
00:18:43,787 --> 00:18:46,081
I do not wish to live with you
any furthermore.

318
00:18:46,540 --> 00:18:47,999
- What?
- I have been invited...

319
00:18:48,166 --> 00:18:51,211
...to stay with my good friend Judith.

320
00:18:51,420 --> 00:18:53,547
Come on, I'll help you
pack your things.

321
00:18:53,713 --> 00:18:56,425
Did you ever notice how much
he sweats during sex?

322
00:19:01,138 --> 00:19:02,806
Well, good for you.

323
00:19:02,973 --> 00:19:04,975
Good for me?
How is this good for me?

324
00:19:05,142 --> 00:19:08,061
- You got Kandi out of the house.
- I didn't want Kandi out.

325
00:19:08,228 --> 00:19:10,564
And I didn't want her
moving in with my ex-wife.

326
00:19:10,730 --> 00:19:13,150
Oh, right.

327
00:19:13,859 --> 00:19:17,612
Okay then, good for me.

328
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,296
- Harper?
- Here.

329
00:19:36,381 --> 00:19:38,008
I'm gonna have to check your pie.

330
00:19:38,592 --> 00:19:39,759
Rhubarb.

331
00:19:39,926 --> 00:19:42,512
Oh, my girls like rhubarb.

332
00:19:46,308 --> 00:19:50,896
Okay, inmate 37059.
Down the hall, third door on the left.

333
00:19:51,062 --> 00:19:54,399
There's a button by the bed.
Push it if she gets violent.

334
00:19:55,233 --> 00:19:56,860
Thank you.

335
00:20:00,989 --> 00:20:03,992
- It won't open.
- Try it again.

336
00:20:07,454 --> 00:20:11,291
Boy, you really are
having a dry streak, aren't you?

337
00:20:13,501 --> 00:20:15,378
Oh, God.

338
00:20:16,546 --> 00:20:18,965
I can't even get laid
in a women's prison.

339
00:20:27,599 --> 00:20:31,102
- Hi, are you Alan?
- No, I'm his brother, Charlie.

340
00:20:31,269 --> 00:20:33,355
Oh, well, I'm looking for Kandi.

341
00:20:33,688 --> 00:20:35,190
She told me she was living here.

342
00:20:35,357 --> 00:20:39,402
Actually, she moved.
It's a very funny story.

343
00:20:39,569 --> 00:20:41,947
- Are you a friend?
- I'm her mother.

344
00:20:44,199 --> 00:20:47,369
Come on in and I'll see if I can find
a forwarding address.

345
00:20:48,495 --> 00:20:49,746
Thank you.

346
00:20:50,497 --> 00:20:52,958
Chimichanga.

347
00:20:53,833 --> 00:20:56,795
- Beautiful place.
- Thank you.

348
00:20:58,088 --> 00:21:00,131
I see where Kandi
gets her good looks.

349
00:21:00,298 --> 00:21:04,386
Thanks, unfortunately she gets
her brains from her moron father.

350
00:21:04,594 --> 00:21:08,682
Oh, right, you're recently divorced.
Would you like a drink?

351
00:21:10,350 --> 00:21:11,601
I would love one.

352
00:21:13,144 --> 00:21:18,817
Great. Why don't you step out
on to the deck, and I'll be right there.

353
00:21:21,444 --> 00:21:23,905
Good news,
it's raining out on my deck.

354
00:21:24,072 --> 00:21:25,740
Say what?

355
00:21:25,907 --> 00:21:27,909
The dry streak is over.

356
00:21:28,493 --> 00:21:31,413
So, what am I supposed to do
with this pie?

357
00:21:57,564 --> 00:21:59,649
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group

358
00:21:59,816 --> 00:22:01,901
[ENGLISH]