0
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,800
English Subtitles, renamed for "LP" WebDL release :)
Two and a Half Men S03E18 - The Spit-Covered Cobbler - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

1
00:00:02,418 --> 00:00:05,546
Alan, I forgot my toothbrush.
Can I use yours?

2
00:00:05,713 --> 00:00:07,715
Oh, dear Lord, no.

3
00:00:07,882 --> 00:00:09,967
Do you have any idea
how many bacteria...

4
00:00:10,134 --> 00:00:12,094
...can be transferred
on a toothbrush?

5
00:00:12,261 --> 00:00:13,512
I don't know. How many?

6
00:00:13,679 --> 00:00:16,098
Okay, I don't know
the actual amount.

7
00:00:16,265 --> 00:00:18,476
Then why did you bring it up?

8
00:00:19,727 --> 00:00:21,312
Poor judgment.

9
00:00:21,479 --> 00:00:24,440
The point is, sharing these things
is a bad idea.

10
00:00:24,607 --> 00:00:27,777
Are you saying you don't want
your toothbrush in my mouth...?

11
00:00:27,944 --> 00:00:32,615
I know, I know.
I get the hypocrisy. Just humor me.

12
00:00:32,782 --> 00:00:36,994
Okay, I have hard,
medium or soft bristles.

13
00:00:37,161 --> 00:00:38,996
I have straight or curved handles.

14
00:00:39,163 --> 00:00:41,082
And for your flossing needs...

15
00:00:41,249 --> 00:00:44,585
...I have waxed, mint-waxed,
un-waxed.

16
00:00:44,752 --> 00:00:48,547
If you're feeling especially adventurous,
may I suggest the cinnamon?

17
00:00:49,173 --> 00:00:51,133
Maybe I'll just wait till I get home.

18
00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:54,136
No, no. One day you skip brushing
and before you know it...

19
00:00:54,303 --> 00:00:57,765
...your teeth rot away and you're
begging strangers to start your apple.

20
00:00:58,474 --> 00:01:00,768
Fine. I'll take the pink one.

21
00:01:02,311 --> 00:01:05,356
I always wondered, what's
the rubber thing at the end for?

22
00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:06,774
It's to massage your gums.

23
00:01:06,941 --> 00:01:10,569
Oh, I thought it might be an eraser.

24
00:01:10,736 --> 00:01:13,155
But who writes
when they're brushing their teeth?

25
00:01:14,949 --> 00:01:16,492
I don't know.

26
00:01:18,369 --> 00:01:19,412
What's the matter?

27
00:01:19,578 --> 00:01:22,373
Oh, nothing. Nothing.
Well, I kind of have to pee.

28
00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:25,376
- Go ahead.
- Oh, no, I'll wait till you're finished.

29
00:01:25,543 --> 00:01:28,462
Are you shy about peeing
in front of me? Because, Alan...

30
00:01:28,629 --> 00:01:30,798
Again, I get the hypocrisy.

31
00:01:31,507 --> 00:01:34,802
I think it's important to keep
a little mystery in a relationship.

32
00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:36,262
It's just peeing, Alan.

33
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:37,972
Not necessarily.

34
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:40,850
Sometimes when a man urinates...

35
00:01:41,017 --> 00:01:44,645
...other muscles see that
as a green light to relax.

36
00:01:44,812 --> 00:01:46,689
So you've never peed
in front of a girl?

37
00:01:46,856 --> 00:01:49,900
Well, my ex-wife, but after six,
seven years of marriage...

38
00:01:50,067 --> 00:01:51,569
...who gives a damn anymore?

39
00:01:52,653 --> 00:01:55,114
- Okay, I'll brush out here.
- Thank you.

40
00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:03,164
- What?
- One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.

41
00:02:03,330 --> 00:02:05,416
When was the last time
you saw a dentist?

42
00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:07,418
Alan, I see people all the time.

43
00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:10,337
They don't always tell you
what they do.

44
00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:16,427
Hey, are you done?
Because I gotta rinse.

45
00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:20,306
No, I can't go
when I know you're listening.

46
00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:23,350
Would it help if I sang
the pee-pee song?

47
00:02:23,851 --> 00:02:26,520
- The what?
- My mom used to sing it to me.

48
00:02:26,687 --> 00:02:31,984
Tinkle, tinkle, little star
In the potty not the car

49
00:02:32,151 --> 00:02:36,947
Up above the bowl so high
Like the raindrops in the sky

50
00:02:37,114 --> 00:02:39,533
Hey, hey, it's working.

51
00:02:41,285 --> 00:02:42,828
Green light.

52
00:02:57,050 --> 00:02:59,594
Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop.

53
00:02:59,761 --> 00:03:02,055
- Should I try it again?
- Not yet.

54
00:03:02,222 --> 00:03:04,016
Okay, now.

55
00:03:04,182 --> 00:03:06,309
Okay, stop, stop, stop.

56
00:03:06,476 --> 00:03:07,686
Morning.

57
00:03:07,853 --> 00:03:10,105
- Morning.
- Morning, Charlie.

58
00:03:10,272 --> 00:03:11,314
Need any help?

59
00:03:12,315 --> 00:03:14,860
Do you know how to get
a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?

60
00:03:15,027 --> 00:03:18,697
Yeah, yank out the eight track
and push it off a cliff.

61
00:03:20,615 --> 00:03:22,034
You're useless.

62
00:03:22,242 --> 00:03:23,910
Sorry.

63
00:03:24,077 --> 00:03:27,164
- You got a little grease on your face.
- Where?

64
00:03:27,330 --> 00:03:28,623
Cheek.

65
00:03:29,708 --> 00:03:30,751
Did I get it?

66
00:03:30,917 --> 00:03:32,002
No, other side.

67
00:03:33,587 --> 00:03:35,922
- Now?
- Little on your forehead.

68
00:03:37,340 --> 00:03:39,259
- Yeah?
- Perfect.

69
00:03:39,426 --> 00:03:41,511
Now sing "Swanee River."

70
00:03:42,554 --> 00:03:44,598
Alan, should I try it again?

71
00:03:44,765 --> 00:03:46,308
No. I'm gonna call AAA.

72
00:03:46,475 --> 00:03:50,061
Good. No sense drinking over this.

73
00:03:58,195 --> 00:04:00,697
You must be so proud.

74
00:04:00,864 --> 00:04:03,992
Hey, she may not be sophisticated,
but she's street-smart.

75
00:04:04,159 --> 00:04:06,578
Sesame Street-smart.

76
00:04:06,745 --> 00:04:07,788
Just leave it alone.

77
00:04:07,954 --> 00:04:11,041
Let me ask you something.
Have you stopped to consider...

78
00:04:11,208 --> 00:04:14,294
...the long-term cost of a relationship
with a girl that young?

79
00:04:14,461 --> 00:04:15,795
Charlie, it's a free tow.

80
00:04:15,962 --> 00:04:19,090
Oh, sure. That's how it always starts,
with a free tow.

81
00:04:19,257 --> 00:04:21,760
But who's gonna pay to fix the car
after it's towed?

82
00:04:23,512 --> 00:04:27,140
"Um" is right, my dim-witted friend.

83
00:04:27,307 --> 00:04:28,892
And that's just the beginning.

84
00:04:29,059 --> 00:04:31,144
Girls like Kandi need
all kinds of stuff...

85
00:04:31,311 --> 00:04:35,273
...the only way they can pay for it
is through horny morons like you.

86
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,651
Her car breaks down
and I should just dump her?

87
00:04:37,817 --> 00:04:40,237
- This is a short-term relationship?
- I don't know.

88
00:04:40,403 --> 00:04:42,364
Trust me,
it's a short-term relationship.

89
00:04:42,531 --> 00:04:44,991
Kandi's not the brightest bulb
in the chandelier...

90
00:04:45,158 --> 00:04:46,826
...but even she's gonna wake up...

91
00:04:46,993 --> 00:04:49,955
...wonder what she's doing
shacked up with a penniless putz...

92
00:04:50,121 --> 00:04:51,248
...who's twice her age.

93
00:04:51,414 --> 00:04:52,499
Kandi's not like that.

94
00:04:52,666 --> 00:04:53,875
Just wait.

95
00:04:54,042 --> 00:04:57,254
Your first minor stroke and she'll be
boinking the cardiologist...

96
00:04:57,420 --> 00:05:00,632
...before you can scrawl
"What happened? " On your note pad.

97
00:05:04,886 --> 00:05:06,638
Okay, for the sake of argument...

98
00:05:06,805 --> 00:05:09,140
...let's say you're right,
what's your point?

99
00:05:09,891 --> 00:05:13,228
My point is, you don't dry-clean
a rented tuxedo.

100
00:05:13,395 --> 00:05:15,146
You don't redecorate a hotel room.

101
00:05:15,313 --> 00:05:17,774
You don't order cable
for a port-a-potty...

102
00:05:17,941 --> 00:05:20,068
...unless you're really, really drunk.

103
00:05:20,235 --> 00:05:22,404
And you don't take
on the bills of a girl...

104
00:05:22,570 --> 00:05:26,199
...that's got the attention span of
a monkey chewing on a fly swatter.

105
00:05:26,908 --> 00:05:29,202
Okay, I appreciate your...

106
00:05:29,369 --> 00:05:33,081
...how shall I describe it,
compassionate advice...

107
00:05:33,248 --> 00:05:36,876
...but all I'm doing here
is arranging a free tow for a friend.

108
00:05:41,798 --> 00:05:45,552
Alan, I don't think
the engine's flooded anymore.

109
00:05:47,721 --> 00:05:50,140
- Fire extinguisher?
- Under the sink.

110
00:05:58,565 --> 00:06:00,692
Hey, if you don't hurry up,
you'll be late.

111
00:06:00,859 --> 00:06:01,901
I don't mind.

112
00:06:02,068 --> 00:06:03,987
Okay, well, that takes
the pressure off.

113
00:06:04,154 --> 00:06:06,406
How come my dad's not bringing me?

114
00:06:06,573 --> 00:06:09,534
- He's helping Kandi get her car fixed.
- Oh, jeez.

115
00:06:09,701 --> 00:06:13,038
And him already broker
than a headless hooker.

116
00:06:13,204 --> 00:06:15,206
Hey, how come my mom hates Kandi?

117
00:06:16,624 --> 00:06:18,585
What gave you the idea
she hates her?

118
00:06:18,752 --> 00:06:20,837
Because she says so.

119
00:06:21,296 --> 00:06:22,338
A lot.

120
00:06:23,339 --> 00:06:25,258
All right. Why do you think?

121
00:06:25,925 --> 00:06:27,844
I don't know.
She's pretty, she's fun...

122
00:06:28,011 --> 00:06:30,055
...and Dad seems real happy with her.

123
00:06:30,221 --> 00:06:33,308
Well, little man, you just answered
your own question.

124
00:06:33,475 --> 00:06:35,060
I did? What'd I say?

125
00:06:36,853 --> 00:06:39,397
It's like this.
You ever see a kid at school...

126
00:06:39,564 --> 00:06:42,484
...who doesn't like his lunch
but he won't let you have it?

127
00:06:42,650 --> 00:06:44,402
Oh, yeah, Russell Beasley.

128
00:06:44,569 --> 00:06:48,031
He'll spit on his apple cobbler
before he'll let anybody else eat it.

129
00:06:48,198 --> 00:06:51,701
This is pretty much the same deal,
except your mom is Russell Beasley...

130
00:06:51,868 --> 00:06:54,829
...and your dad
is the spit-covered cobbler.

131
00:06:55,747 --> 00:06:56,831
I don't understand.

132
00:06:57,373 --> 00:06:59,250
Though your mom
doesn't want your dad...

133
00:06:59,417 --> 00:07:01,836
...she doesn't want Kandi
to eat him either.

134
00:07:04,798 --> 00:07:07,717
You know,
I like cobbler with ice cream.

135
00:07:08,468 --> 00:07:10,512
Way to follow a train of thought.

136
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,514
Thanks.

137
00:07:13,556 --> 00:07:15,642
Well, I guess we should go
to school now.

138
00:07:15,809 --> 00:07:17,685
Couldn't hurt.

139
00:07:17,852 --> 00:07:20,647
I'll see if I can find my books.

140
00:07:21,898 --> 00:07:22,941
Sweet kid.

141
00:07:23,566 --> 00:07:24,984
Yeah.

142
00:07:25,151 --> 00:07:28,363
Shame he'll never be anything
more than a burden to society.

143
00:07:32,992 --> 00:07:34,744
Do you know a good lawyer, Alan?

144
00:07:34,911 --> 00:07:37,205
No, but my ex-wife does.

145
00:07:38,748 --> 00:07:40,625
- Why?
- Because I wanna sue the guy...

146
00:07:40,792 --> 00:07:42,210
...who sold me that lemming.

147
00:07:43,795 --> 00:07:45,838
- You mean lemon.
- I do?

148
00:07:47,507 --> 00:07:49,092
Okay.

149
00:07:49,717 --> 00:07:53,346
Did you get any kind of a written
guarantee when you bought it?

150
00:07:53,513 --> 00:07:57,016
No, it was more of an oral agreement.

151
00:08:00,979 --> 00:08:03,815
All right, Mr. Harper,
I looked at your daughter's vehicle.

152
00:08:03,982 --> 00:08:05,775
She's not my daughter.

153
00:08:09,612 --> 00:08:10,655
Good for you.

154
00:08:12,615 --> 00:08:14,617
Anyway,
the prognosis looks rather bleak.

155
00:08:14,784 --> 00:08:17,495
- I understand.
- I mean, the vehicle was on fire.

156
00:08:17,704 --> 00:08:19,414
I know.

157
00:08:19,581 --> 00:08:20,748
What, is she like 21?

158
00:08:23,209 --> 00:08:25,420
- Twenty-two.
- And a half.

159
00:08:26,963 --> 00:08:28,506
Good for you.

160
00:08:29,340 --> 00:08:31,384
- Yeah, what about the car?
- Oh, the car?

161
00:08:31,551 --> 00:08:33,928
The cars gotta be 25, 26 years old.

162
00:08:34,762 --> 00:08:37,348
- I mean, can it be fixed?
- Anything can be fixed.

163
00:08:37,515 --> 00:08:40,351
Hell, they put a pig's heart
in my Uncle Vinnie.

164
00:08:41,269 --> 00:08:43,771
- How much?
- All of it.

165
00:08:46,941 --> 00:08:50,403
My Aunt Phyllis likes to call him
the other white meat now.

166
00:08:51,195 --> 00:08:53,531
No, I mean how much to fix the car?

167
00:08:54,115 --> 00:08:55,700
For you, three grand.

168
00:08:55,908 --> 00:08:57,243
What?

169
00:08:57,410 --> 00:09:00,496
Once again, the car was on fire.

170
00:09:00,705 --> 00:09:03,541
I had to wait an hour
before I could even touch it.

171
00:09:03,708 --> 00:09:05,626
But I only paid 800 for it.

172
00:09:05,793 --> 00:09:07,754
Eight hundred dollars?

173
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:12,091
I hate to be the bearer of sad tidings,
but some business person...

174
00:09:12,258 --> 00:09:14,844
...has taken advantage
of your good nature.

175
00:09:15,053 --> 00:09:17,388
Boy, that happens a lot.

176
00:09:18,473 --> 00:09:20,349
Well, 3000 is out of the question.

177
00:09:20,516 --> 00:09:22,810
It'd make more sense
just to get her a new car.

178
00:09:22,977 --> 00:09:24,437
Oh, Alan, thank you.

179
00:09:24,604 --> 00:09:28,107
That's the sweetest thing
anybody's ever done for me.

180
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,693
Good for you.

181
00:09:34,739 --> 00:09:37,325
- Hi.
- Hey.

182
00:09:37,784 --> 00:09:39,577
Why isn't your car in the garage?

183
00:09:39,744 --> 00:09:41,913
I loaned it to Kandi.

184
00:09:43,623 --> 00:09:45,958
And how much are you paying
to fix hers?

185
00:09:46,167 --> 00:09:48,711
For your information, nothing.

186
00:09:48,878 --> 00:09:49,962
Nothing?

187
00:09:50,129 --> 00:09:51,255
Not a cent.

188
00:09:52,590 --> 00:09:55,093
I'm leasing her a Saturn.

189
00:09:56,677 --> 00:09:59,305
Tell me again about the free tow,
Alan.

190
00:09:59,472 --> 00:10:00,973
Come on, she needs a car...

191
00:10:01,140 --> 00:10:03,976
...and the lease terms
are surprisingly reasonable.

192
00:10:04,143 --> 00:10:06,270
They're practically giving them away.

193
00:10:07,063 --> 00:10:08,648
Excuse me.

194
00:10:09,148 --> 00:10:10,483
Where are you going?

195
00:10:10,650 --> 00:10:12,527
I'm gonna solve all your problems.

196
00:10:14,028 --> 00:10:16,614
Wanna see it coming
or should I surprise you?

197
00:10:18,908 --> 00:10:20,576
You're not funny.

198
00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,083
Hello?

199
00:10:27,542 --> 00:10:29,377
Hang on a second.

200
00:10:29,794 --> 00:10:33,631
It's your dentist, he wants to talk
to you about Kandi's teeth.

201
00:10:35,550 --> 00:10:36,717
Thank you.

202
00:10:40,221 --> 00:10:41,389
Hi, Dr. Weinberger.

203
00:10:41,556 --> 00:10:43,683
Thanks for seeing her
on such short notice.

204
00:10:46,269 --> 00:10:47,979
Can I have some privacy, please?

205
00:10:48,187 --> 00:10:50,940
Sure, get your own place.

206
00:10:56,279 --> 00:10:59,574
No, she's not covered
under my dental plan.

207
00:11:00,658 --> 00:11:02,785
Twenty-two and a half.

208
00:11:03,536 --> 00:11:05,538
Yeah, yeah, good for me.

209
00:11:05,997 --> 00:11:08,082
Did you get a chance
to look at her tooth?

210
00:11:09,125 --> 00:11:12,128
Oh, a root canal.

211
00:11:12,295 --> 00:11:14,088
Well, how much is that?

212
00:11:18,092 --> 00:11:20,595
What do you mean there's more?

213
00:11:21,137 --> 00:11:23,889
Who told you
to look at her wisdom teeth?

214
00:11:25,308 --> 00:11:28,019
That girl's got wisdom teeth?

215
00:11:28,185 --> 00:11:30,563
Okay, what's the worst thing
that could happen...

216
00:11:30,730 --> 00:11:32,398
...if you don't take them out?

217
00:11:33,482 --> 00:11:35,568
How infected?

218
00:11:36,777 --> 00:11:40,990
All right, if it has to be done,
it has to be done.

219
00:11:41,449 --> 00:11:43,868
Yeah, send me the bill.

220
00:11:44,744 --> 00:11:46,621
Okay, bye-bye.

221
00:11:52,918 --> 00:11:54,128
Here.

222
00:11:54,420 --> 00:11:56,547
Aim for the cheap seats.

223
00:12:19,778 --> 00:12:21,822
Alan, what are you doing?

224
00:12:23,574 --> 00:12:26,493
You know,
a little bit of a cash-flow crunch...

225
00:12:26,660 --> 00:12:28,996
...and I thought I'd use this
to pay some bills.

226
00:12:29,580 --> 00:12:30,622
I see.

227
00:12:30,831 --> 00:12:32,457
Mind helping me out?

228
00:12:33,166 --> 00:12:34,293
Sure.

229
00:12:45,971 --> 00:12:48,682
Promise me you'll spend it on food,
not whiskey.

230
00:12:49,808 --> 00:12:51,810
My pain brings you
a lot of pleasure, huh?

231
00:12:51,977 --> 00:12:54,187
I'm a simple man.

232
00:13:00,736 --> 00:13:01,945
It's your ex-wife.

233
00:13:02,112 --> 00:13:04,698
Oh, perfect. Get the bat.

234
00:13:06,033 --> 00:13:07,242
This is the bat.

235
00:13:09,870 --> 00:13:11,705
Hello?

236
00:13:11,872 --> 00:13:15,375
Oh, good. I was hoping it'd be you.

237
00:13:16,710 --> 00:13:19,755
Of course I remember the Alamo.

238
00:13:20,464 --> 00:13:23,592
Oh, you mean alimony.

239
00:13:24,968 --> 00:13:28,555
I was thinking Davy Crockett,
Jim Bowie.

240
00:13:29,306 --> 00:13:33,643
Oh, come on, Judith,
why can't we share a few chuckles?

241
00:13:34,436 --> 00:13:35,937
Oh, no, no, I agree.

242
00:13:36,104 --> 00:13:38,482
There's nothing chuckle-worthy
about a subpoena.

243
00:13:39,232 --> 00:13:41,068
Well, you know, I will tell you what.

244
00:13:41,234 --> 00:13:43,862
I will bring you the check
when I pick up Jake.

245
00:13:45,030 --> 00:13:46,573
I promise.

246
00:13:46,740 --> 00:13:48,533
Okay. Okay. Bye-bye.

247
00:13:50,786 --> 00:13:52,537
You gotta pick up Jake.

248
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:54,998
- Why?
- Because I don't have her money.

249
00:13:55,165 --> 00:13:57,876
It's in Kandi's mouth and Kandi's car.

250
00:13:58,043 --> 00:14:00,712
What about The Treasure
of the Sierra Madre over there?

251
00:14:02,130 --> 00:14:03,715
This? This is nothing.

252
00:14:03,882 --> 00:14:06,259
One car payment
and maybe a bikini wax.

253
00:14:06,426 --> 00:14:08,637
- Bikini wax?
- A girl's gotta keep those up.

254
00:14:08,804 --> 00:14:10,680
It's a landscaping issue.

255
00:14:11,598 --> 00:14:13,683
You just gotta buy me some time
with Judith.

256
00:14:13,850 --> 00:14:15,936
What are you gonna do
with more time?

257
00:14:16,103 --> 00:14:19,481
You can't sell your blood,
your ex-wife already took that.

258
00:14:19,648 --> 00:14:23,276
And if you sell your sperm,
what's the point in dating Kandi?

259
00:14:23,443 --> 00:14:26,613
Well, for your information,
I do have other options.

260
00:14:26,780 --> 00:14:29,783
- Like what?
- I've been looking at part-time work.

261
00:14:29,950 --> 00:14:32,452
And I have some very promising
auctions on eBay.

262
00:14:32,619 --> 00:14:35,163
Oh, really? What are you auctioning?

263
00:14:35,330 --> 00:14:38,959
Well, a few rare books,
a couple of lithos, a set of golf clubs.

264
00:14:39,126 --> 00:14:40,877
Since when do you play golf?

265
00:14:41,086 --> 00:14:43,463
Well, technically, they're your clubs.

266
00:14:46,758 --> 00:14:48,009
You're stealing from me?

267
00:14:48,176 --> 00:14:49,970
Oh, come on, you only bought them...

268
00:14:50,137 --> 00:14:53,098
...so you could go to Palm Springs
and pick up lesbians.

269
00:14:56,309 --> 00:14:57,352
This is ridiculous.

270
00:14:57,519 --> 00:14:59,855
Why don't you just ask me
to lend you some money?

271
00:15:00,021 --> 00:15:02,190
- Would you lend me money?
- Absolutely.

272
00:15:02,357 --> 00:15:04,901
If I hadn't taken a bath
on the Super Bowl.

273
00:15:05,652 --> 00:15:08,280
Well, I need to do this by myself
anyway.

274
00:15:08,446 --> 00:15:10,198
You know, I still have my pride.

275
00:15:10,991 --> 00:15:13,952
Wow, you really think that, huh?

276
00:15:14,119 --> 00:15:18,290
Well, it doesn't matter
as long as I have Kandi.

277
00:15:18,832 --> 00:15:21,334
She looks up to me,
she thinks I'm special.

278
00:15:21,501 --> 00:15:22,544
She thinks I'm smart.

279
00:15:22,711 --> 00:15:27,048
She thinks gazpacho
is Pinocchio's father.

280
00:15:30,260 --> 00:15:33,388
What can I say, Charlie?
I'm crazy about her.

281
00:15:35,515 --> 00:15:38,852
All right, I certainly don't wanna
stand in the way of your happiness.

282
00:15:39,019 --> 00:15:40,979
Thank you.

283
00:15:41,146 --> 00:15:42,772
- One question though.
- Yeah?

284
00:15:42,981 --> 00:15:44,482
What are you gonna tell Jake...

285
00:15:44,649 --> 00:15:47,193
...when he notices
his change jug is gone?

286
00:15:47,611 --> 00:15:51,489
Oh, it'll be okay.
I left him a post-dated check.

287
00:15:52,115 --> 00:15:54,910
It'll be good
by the time he goes to college.

288
00:15:56,202 --> 00:15:59,664
Yeah, like that kid's going to college.

289
00:16:07,964 --> 00:16:10,967
- Perfect, just perfect.
- Judith, I know what you're thinking...

290
00:16:11,134 --> 00:16:13,637
I'll tell you what,
your brother's a little coward...

291
00:16:13,803 --> 00:16:16,431
...who don't have guts
to face his responsibilities...

292
00:16:16,598 --> 00:16:18,767
There's more to this
than meets the eye.

293
00:16:18,933 --> 00:16:20,852
I suppose you're gonna explain it
to me.

294
00:16:21,019 --> 00:16:24,230
I'm gonna try if you'll calm down
for a minute and listen.

295
00:16:24,397 --> 00:16:26,441
- All right, I'm listening.
- Are you calm?

296
00:16:26,608 --> 00:16:28,401
I'm listening.

297
00:16:29,444 --> 00:16:33,198
Okay. You know why Alan's not here?
Because he's ashamed.

298
00:16:33,365 --> 00:16:36,534
- Well, he should be.
- Judith, that's not listening.

299
00:16:37,577 --> 00:16:40,038
He's ashamed because
no matter how hard he works...

300
00:16:40,205 --> 00:16:42,791
...he just can't seem to get ahead.

301
00:16:43,083 --> 00:16:45,001
You know,
his business is falling apart.

302
00:16:45,168 --> 00:16:46,711
Really? He hasn't said anything.

303
00:16:46,878 --> 00:16:48,254
Because he's too proud.

304
00:16:48,421 --> 00:16:50,590
Poor guy lost all his chiropractic
walk-ins...

305
00:16:50,757 --> 00:16:52,592
...to an unlicensed massage parlor...

306
00:16:52,759 --> 00:16:55,512
...that opened up right between him
and the Jamba Juice.

307
00:16:55,678 --> 00:16:57,430
- You're kidding.
- I'm deadly serious.

308
00:16:57,597 --> 00:16:59,808
Who's gonna pay
to have their spine adjusted...

309
00:16:59,974 --> 00:17:03,978
...when for half the price
they can get their dingus dusted?

310
00:17:04,479 --> 00:17:06,106
Well, I wouldn't know about that.

311
00:17:06,272 --> 00:17:09,442
As it turns out,
I'm a bit of an expert.

312
00:17:10,985 --> 00:17:13,071
And I'm telling you,
he's going under.

313
00:17:13,238 --> 00:17:14,531
Oh, my God.

314
00:17:14,697 --> 00:17:16,449
- You know he took a part-time job?
- No.

315
00:17:16,616 --> 00:17:18,118
But you didn't hear it from me.

316
00:17:18,284 --> 00:17:20,745
And please,
please don't say anything to Jake.

317
00:17:20,912 --> 00:17:22,247
The last thing Alan wants...

318
00:17:22,414 --> 00:17:26,751
...is to look like a failure in the eyes
of that little boy in there.

319
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,170
Of course not.

320
00:17:29,462 --> 00:17:32,090
- I won't say a word.
- Thank you.

321
00:17:32,298 --> 00:17:34,217
Hey, where's Dad?

322
00:17:35,218 --> 00:17:36,761
Just go with Uncle Charlie.

323
00:17:37,554 --> 00:17:38,930
Okay.

324
00:17:40,598 --> 00:17:42,100
Why is Mom crying?

325
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,562
Because I'm good.

326
00:17:47,188 --> 00:17:49,899
I'm very, very good.

327
00:17:54,154 --> 00:17:56,364
I'm really getting tired of pizza.

328
00:17:56,573 --> 00:17:59,492
Well, I'm off to work.

329
00:18:03,621 --> 00:18:04,998
Get used to it.

330
00:18:08,001 --> 00:18:10,378
Enjoy your pizza.

331
00:18:10,545 --> 00:18:12,922
Alan, Alan, what are you doing?

332
00:18:13,089 --> 00:18:15,967
I swear to God, I'll get your alimony
as soon as possible.

333
00:18:16,134 --> 00:18:19,304
- No, please, don't worry about it.
- Really?

334
00:18:19,470 --> 00:18:21,097
Charlie told me what's going on.

335
00:18:21,264 --> 00:18:24,684
- I don't need the money right now.
- Really?

336
00:18:24,851 --> 00:18:27,645
I haven't mentioned it.
When my grandmother passed away...

337
00:18:27,812 --> 00:18:30,607
...she left me
a pretty substantial inheritance.

338
00:18:30,773 --> 00:18:32,358
Really?

339
00:18:32,525 --> 00:18:34,903
In fact, I want you to have this.

340
00:18:37,322 --> 00:18:39,699
- Really?
- Pay me when you can.

341
00:18:39,866 --> 00:18:42,285
The important thing is
you get back on your feet.

342
00:18:43,912 --> 00:18:46,664
I'm so happy.

343
00:18:46,831 --> 00:18:48,207
Hi, Huggy Bear.

344
00:18:48,416 --> 00:18:50,752
Boy, I love the new car you got me.

345
00:18:50,919 --> 00:18:54,839
Hi, Mrs. Harper,
doesn't he look cute in a mustache?

346
00:19:00,803 --> 00:19:03,097
I'm so sad.

347
00:19:23,368 --> 00:19:25,119
How's that pride doing?

348
00:19:28,498 --> 00:19:30,708
Nice, they let you take a few home.

349
00:19:30,875 --> 00:19:34,045
It's in lieu of health insurance.

350
00:19:34,462 --> 00:19:36,881
Did you know they actually have
a little machine...

351
00:19:37,048 --> 00:19:39,050
...that shoots the cheese
into the crust?

352
00:19:39,217 --> 00:19:40,635
- Is that so?
- Yep.

353
00:19:40,802 --> 00:19:43,304
It's a little high-pressure gun.

354
00:19:43,596 --> 00:19:46,140
You can't kill yourself with it,
though.

355
00:19:47,183 --> 00:19:48,976
I tried.

356
00:19:50,144 --> 00:19:54,273
I gotta tell you something, Alan,
this is from the bottom of my heart.

357
00:19:54,691 --> 00:19:58,319
I think that you are the stupidest man
on the face of the Earth...

358
00:19:58,486 --> 00:20:00,905
...but I admire your perseverance.

359
00:20:02,281 --> 00:20:05,034
You're gonna have
to talk into the other ear.

360
00:20:05,201 --> 00:20:07,036
This one's full of cheese.

361
00:20:17,130 --> 00:20:19,006
Is that my Huggy Bear?

362
00:20:19,173 --> 00:20:21,384
Yeah, it's him.

363
00:20:22,093 --> 00:20:23,219
Hey, guess what.

364
00:20:23,386 --> 00:20:25,263
You know my roommates Ellie
and Emmett?

365
00:20:25,430 --> 00:20:26,931
Yeah.

366
00:20:27,098 --> 00:20:29,517
Turns out they're not really
brother and sister...

367
00:20:29,684 --> 00:20:31,727
...so they started sleeping together.

368
00:20:32,687 --> 00:20:33,855
Oh, that's lovely.

369
00:20:34,021 --> 00:20:36,399
Anyway, now they're gonna get
their own place...

370
00:20:36,566 --> 00:20:40,111
...and I don't know how
I'm gonna pay the rent by myself.

371
00:20:43,281 --> 00:20:46,242
Oh, God, Kandi, I can't. I can't.
I'm all tapped out.

372
00:20:46,409 --> 00:20:50,204
All I have left to put on eBay
is a kidney or a lung.

373
00:20:50,371 --> 00:20:53,624
If I were you, I'd sell the kidney
because lungs don't grow back.

374
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:57,086
I'm sorry, honey...

375
00:20:57,253 --> 00:21:00,590
...you're just gonna have to handle
your living situation on your own.

376
00:21:00,756 --> 00:21:03,634
Okay. Hey, guess what else.

377
00:21:03,801 --> 00:21:08,764
You've got a loved one who needs
either an operation or bail?

378
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:13,519
No, silly. I'm finished with the dentist
and my mouth is all better.

379
00:21:13,686 --> 00:21:15,229
See?

380
00:21:16,272 --> 00:21:19,358
Hey, I've got an idea.
Why don't you move in with me?

381
00:21:19,567 --> 00:21:21,235
Okay.

382
00:21:23,654 --> 00:21:26,365
I'm so screwed.

383
00:21:50,097 --> 00:21:52,183
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group

384
00:21:52,350 --> 00:21:54,435
[ENGLISH]