0
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,800
English Subtitles, renamed for "LP" WebDL release :)
Two and a Half Men S03E12 - That Special Tug - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

1
00:00:02,835 --> 00:00:05,546
I just wanna be clear
that I am here as a last resort.

2
00:00:05,713 --> 00:00:07,089
I understand.

3
00:00:07,256 --> 00:00:10,301
I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry
as a science.

4
00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:14,388
I think some of the drugs you're pushing
are interesting.

5
00:00:15,765 --> 00:00:19,769
And I'm all for messing around
with brain chemistry.

6
00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:22,897
I mean, that's how
I got through high school.

7
00:00:23,940 --> 00:00:28,361
But in my experience, popping pills
doesn't relieve social anxiety...

8
00:00:28,527 --> 00:00:32,448
...quite as well as, say,
bourbon and Marvin Gaye.

9
00:00:33,115 --> 00:00:36,661
No, I get it. You're desperate,
and I'm full of hooey.

10
00:00:38,579 --> 00:00:42,959
So in the words of Marvin Gaye,
what's going on?

11
00:00:43,834 --> 00:00:48,339
- Everything I say is confidential, right?
- Whatever you say stays in this room.

12
00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:49,799
Kind of like Vegas.

13
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:52,343
Well, except there's no way
you're leaving here...

14
00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:55,554
...with more money
than when you came in.

15
00:00:56,347 --> 00:00:58,641
Yeah, like Vegas.

16
00:01:00,559 --> 00:01:04,647
Anyway, last night I'm out
with my stupid, lame-ass brother.

17
00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:08,109
Sounds like
you've got some anger towards him.

18
00:01:08,275 --> 00:01:10,569
Oh, you're good.

19
00:01:12,863 --> 00:01:16,409
This is nice.
You and me, spending time together.

20
00:01:16,575 --> 00:01:19,370
- Why don't we do this more often?
- I don't have an answer.

21
00:01:19,537 --> 00:01:23,124
Well, me neither.
So how long till the movie starts?

22
00:01:23,290 --> 00:01:24,709
About 20 minutes.

23
00:01:24,875 --> 00:01:28,295
Yeah, sure, 20 minutes
not counting previews and ads...

24
00:01:28,462 --> 00:01:31,257
...the popcorn and the giant pretzel
holding hands...

25
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:35,261
...the big soda drinking the little soda,
which, frankly, is cannibalism...

26
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:38,347
...and the reminder
to turn off your cell phones and shut up.

27
00:01:38,514 --> 00:01:41,851
But nobody does, because good manners
are just the latest casualty...

28
00:01:42,018 --> 00:01:44,729
...in the ongoing collapse
of Western civilization.

29
00:01:44,895 --> 00:01:47,356
I now have an answer.

30
00:01:49,942 --> 00:01:52,778
- I miss Jake.
- How can you miss him?

31
00:01:52,945 --> 00:01:55,364
We just dropped him off
at his friend's house.

32
00:01:55,531 --> 00:01:58,659
By the way, if you get tired
of those magazines under your bed...

33
00:01:58,826 --> 00:02:01,412
...the kid's mom looked fairly doable.

34
00:02:01,579 --> 00:02:05,332
Forget the mom. Did you see how happy
Jake was spending the weekend away?

35
00:02:05,499 --> 00:02:06,709
Why would you think that?

36
00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:09,670
Just because he jumped out of the car
while it was moving?

37
00:02:09,837 --> 00:02:14,550
Alan, he was happy to see his friends.
Being away from you is just gravy.

38
00:02:14,717 --> 00:02:18,179
I know, I know. It's natural
for him to want to spend more time...

39
00:02:18,345 --> 00:02:20,264
...with his peers than his parents.

40
00:02:20,431 --> 00:02:23,726
But all the same, it's sad.

41
00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:26,896
Yeah, sunrise, sunset.

42
00:02:28,522 --> 00:02:30,691
One day you're holding a baby
in your arms...

43
00:02:30,858 --> 00:02:34,028
...and the next day he's off
hawking loogies and lighting farts...

44
00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:37,239
...with a bunch of
Ritalin-addled sixth graders.

45
00:02:37,656 --> 00:02:39,825
Why do I bother
to share my feelings with you?

46
00:02:39,992 --> 00:02:42,411
I don't know.
It's not like I encourage it.

47
00:02:43,370 --> 00:02:46,624
Oh, come on, so your kid
doesn't need you like he used to.

48
00:02:46,790 --> 00:02:48,209
That's a good thing.

49
00:02:48,375 --> 00:02:51,212
You can spend your weekends
enjoying yourself.

50
00:02:51,670 --> 00:02:55,508
That's true. I mean, there are things
I wanna do that I haven't had time for.

51
00:02:55,674 --> 00:02:57,593
Like that kid's mom.

52
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,554
No, no, I mean like... Like reading.

53
00:03:00,721 --> 00:03:02,556
Finally cracking open the classics.

54
00:03:02,723 --> 00:03:06,268
Alan, if you wanna crack something
open, I recommend that kid's mom.

55
00:03:07,061 --> 00:03:08,312
No, no, I'm serious.

56
00:03:08,479 --> 00:03:11,357
You know, for years
I have been wishing that I had time...

57
00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:13,317
...to read all the great books.

58
00:03:13,484 --> 00:03:18,489
You know, Dostoyevsky
and Hemingway...

59
00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:22,409
...Faulkner and Dickens
and Shakespeare.

60
00:03:22,576 --> 00:03:23,661
And history, history.

61
00:03:23,827 --> 00:03:28,040
U.S... U.S. history, world history,
the history of language.

62
00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:31,377
I mean, why doesn't anyone
speak Sumerian anymore?

63
00:03:32,836 --> 00:03:35,631
I don't know,
because I haven't read the book.

64
00:03:36,715 --> 00:03:42,429
And, oh, poetry, poetry.
Byron and Keats and Shelley.

65
00:03:42,596 --> 00:03:44,223
And biographies.

66
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:48,102
Julius Caesar and Abraham Lincoln
and, oh, Groucho Marx.

67
00:03:48,269 --> 00:03:52,773
I mean... I mean, look at them all.
Look at them, they're mocking me.

68
00:03:52,940 --> 00:03:54,441
I haven't read any of them.

69
00:03:54,608 --> 00:03:57,444
Okay, well, just pick one for now.

70
00:03:57,611 --> 00:03:59,530
Why bother? There's not enough time.

71
00:03:59,697 --> 00:04:02,324
There's too many books,
and there's not enough time.

72
00:04:02,491 --> 00:04:05,369
Maybe you just need a system.
Put a book next to the toilet.

73
00:04:05,536 --> 00:04:07,913
Every couple of days,
knock out a couple chapters.

74
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,416
No, no, it's too late for me.

75
00:04:10,582 --> 00:04:13,836
There's not enough
bowel movements left.

76
00:04:17,047 --> 00:04:20,217
- Maybe you need to change your diet.
- No, it's hopeless.

77
00:04:20,384 --> 00:04:22,678
Jake will be grown up soon
and I'll be dead.

78
00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:24,722
And you know
what I'll have left behind?

79
00:04:24,888 --> 00:04:28,600
A life of unfulfilled dreams,
a shelf of unread books...

80
00:04:28,767 --> 00:04:32,521
...and three unopened seasons
of Six Feet Under on DVD.

81
00:04:35,524 --> 00:04:38,027
So, what are you doing tonight?

82
00:04:45,692 --> 00:04:46,735
All right.

83
00:04:46,901 --> 00:04:50,405
So your brother had a panic attack
in the middle of a bookstore.

84
00:04:50,905 --> 00:04:52,782
How'd that make you feel?

85
00:04:53,491 --> 00:04:56,661
What the hell do my feelings
have to do with anything?

86
00:04:56,828 --> 00:04:59,330
Why don't you just humor me?

87
00:05:00,165 --> 00:05:02,125
Well, I felt a little ashamed.

88
00:05:02,292 --> 00:05:04,919
Because you felt
that his behavior reflected on you?

89
00:05:05,086 --> 00:05:07,547
No, because I left him there.

90
00:05:08,631 --> 00:05:10,008
You left him?

91
00:05:11,009 --> 00:05:14,220
Not permanently.
I came back and got him...

92
00:05:14,387 --> 00:05:17,265
...after he was all cried out
and it was time for the movie.

93
00:05:17,432 --> 00:05:19,017
So you still went to the movie?

94
00:05:19,184 --> 00:05:22,353
Yeah, I bought the tickets online.
They don't refund those.

95
00:05:29,569 --> 00:05:31,362
Red Vine?

96
00:05:32,322 --> 00:05:36,326
No, thank you. I am so sorry.
I don't know what came over me.

97
00:05:36,493 --> 00:05:39,913
Who among us hasn't collapsed,
weeping, in the middle of a bookstore...

98
00:05:40,079 --> 00:05:41,956
...for no apparent reason?

99
00:05:42,457 --> 00:05:44,876
You know, I think
maybe I'd be better off at home.

100
00:05:45,460 --> 00:05:47,378
So I'm supposed to miss the movie...

101
00:05:47,545 --> 00:05:50,089
...just because
you had a nervous breakdown?

102
00:05:50,256 --> 00:05:51,883
Well, kind of.

103
00:05:52,342 --> 00:05:54,844
Don't you think
that's a little selfish, Alan?

104
00:05:55,929 --> 00:06:01,017
It's just, all of a sudden I felt crushed
by this unbelievable sense of grief...

105
00:06:01,184 --> 00:06:05,188
...like my entire life has been an exercise
in pathetic futility.

106
00:06:05,355 --> 00:06:07,607
Well, I wouldn't rule it out.

107
00:06:08,983 --> 00:06:11,110
Come on, bunky, cheer up.
Have a Red Vine.

108
00:06:11,277 --> 00:06:12,904
I don't want a Red Vine.

109
00:06:13,071 --> 00:06:14,614
- Sno-Cap?
- No.

110
00:06:14,781 --> 00:06:16,324
- Raisinet?
- No.

111
00:06:16,491 --> 00:06:18,243
- Goobers?
- How much crap did you buy?

112
00:06:18,409 --> 00:06:19,994
They couldn't change a hundred.

113
00:06:23,581 --> 00:06:25,875
All right, I'll have a Junior Mint.

114
00:06:26,793 --> 00:06:28,294
I didn't get Junior Mints.

115
00:06:30,213 --> 00:06:33,132
Of course not. Story of my life.

116
00:06:33,299 --> 00:06:36,844
No Junior Mints for Alan.
Just Goobers.

117
00:06:37,011 --> 00:06:38,846
Goobers, Goobers, Goobers.

118
00:06:39,013 --> 00:06:42,058
- Dude, dude, you need to be quiet.
- Why? Why?

119
00:06:42,225 --> 00:06:45,520
The First Amendment gives me
the right to yell in a crowded theater.

120
00:06:45,687 --> 00:06:47,730
Goobers!

121
00:06:48,815 --> 00:06:50,316
Hey, look, movie quiz.

122
00:06:50,483 --> 00:06:53,486
- Let's play the movie quiz.
- I don't wanna play the movie quiz.

123
00:06:53,653 --> 00:06:56,239
- It'll be fun. I'll bet you're good at it.
- All right.

124
00:06:56,406 --> 00:06:59,701
"Debra Winger and Richard Gere
starred in An Officer and a blank."

125
00:06:59,867 --> 00:07:03,746
- Oh, please.
- You need a hint?

126
00:07:04,205 --> 00:07:07,125
- There's a hint in the corner.
- No, I don't need a hint.

127
00:07:07,291 --> 00:07:10,128
I know the answer.
Everybody here knows the answer.

128
00:07:10,294 --> 00:07:12,255
Everybody on the planet
knows the answer.

129
00:07:12,422 --> 00:07:15,091
- We're not stupid.
- Chill, chill.

130
00:07:15,258 --> 00:07:17,218
Oh, wait.
Oh, here's another brainteaser.

131
00:07:17,385 --> 00:07:19,846
"Steven Spielberg
directed this modern retelling...

132
00:07:20,013 --> 00:07:23,641
...of the H.G. Wells classic
War of the blank."

133
00:07:23,808 --> 00:07:26,978
- Couch. War of the Couch.
- Stop it.

134
00:07:27,145 --> 00:07:30,064
Oh, wait, no, no, I got it.
War of the Blow-It-Out-Your-Ass.

135
00:07:30,231 --> 00:07:33,026
You know what? Maybe you're right.
Maybe we should go.

136
00:07:33,192 --> 00:07:34,652
Oh, wait, no, I know this one.

137
00:07:34,819 --> 00:07:37,739
"Johnny Depp cruised to success
in this comedy-action film...

138
00:07:37,905 --> 00:07:39,866
...inspired by a Disneyland attraction."

139
00:07:40,032 --> 00:07:42,493
Pirates of the Blow-It-Out-Your-Ass.

140
00:07:42,660 --> 00:07:44,328
He's... He's behind on his reading.

141
00:07:44,495 --> 00:07:48,082
Oh, and let's not forget Judy Garland
in that immortal classic...

142
00:07:48,249 --> 00:07:51,961
...The Wizard of Blow-It-Out-Your-Ass.

143
00:07:52,128 --> 00:07:56,090
That sounds like quite an episode.
Is your brother seeing a therapist?

144
00:07:56,257 --> 00:07:58,176
How would I know?

145
00:07:58,342 --> 00:08:01,179
He's your brother. He lives with you.

146
00:08:01,345 --> 00:08:03,014
So?

147
00:08:04,098 --> 00:08:06,392
All right, go ahead.

148
00:08:06,559 --> 00:08:09,604
Just because I took him in,
doesn't mean I listen to him.

149
00:08:09,771 --> 00:08:10,897
I understand.

150
00:08:11,063 --> 00:08:14,275
He just whines about the same crap
over and over.

151
00:08:14,442 --> 00:08:17,278
- Okay.
- It's not even interesting crap.

152
00:08:19,030 --> 00:08:21,866
It's the crap
that bores the crap out of crap.

153
00:08:22,033 --> 00:08:24,535
I got it. It's crap. Go ahead.

154
00:08:24,702 --> 00:08:29,415
Thank you.
So we're driving home, and...

155
00:08:37,340 --> 00:08:39,509
This seat is very comfortable.

156
00:08:39,675 --> 00:08:43,596
Genuine leather, nine-way adjustable,
lumbar support. It's...

157
00:08:43,763 --> 00:08:47,391
I wish I'd have spent a few extra bucks
and gotten the ejection package.

158
00:08:48,351 --> 00:08:52,313
- I said I was sorry.
- They don't refund those tickets, Alan.

159
00:08:54,941 --> 00:08:58,236
- I wanna go see Jake.
- Why? He's at a sleepover.

160
00:08:58,402 --> 00:09:01,322
I've just got this feeling
that he needs me.

161
00:09:01,489 --> 00:09:03,574
You mean
like some sort of telepathic thing?

162
00:09:03,741 --> 00:09:06,202
- Exactly.
- I see.

163
00:09:08,454 --> 00:09:10,581
- Did you know I was gonna do that?
- No.

164
00:09:10,748 --> 00:09:13,793
Then I wouldn't trust
your psychic powers.

165
00:09:14,418 --> 00:09:17,296
Oh, come on.
We can just stop by for a few minutes.

166
00:09:17,463 --> 00:09:20,591
We have time now,
since we decided to skip the movie.

167
00:09:20,758 --> 00:09:25,054
Oh, we decided that, did we? That's
the way it went down for you, huh?

168
00:09:25,221 --> 00:09:27,265
That's how
you interpret recent events?

169
00:09:28,099 --> 00:09:30,685
Settle down.
You're acting like a crazy person.

170
00:09:30,851 --> 00:09:35,564
Me? I'm acting like a crazy person?
Are you freaking kidding me?

171
00:09:35,731 --> 00:09:39,443
Listen to yourself.
You're getting a little scary right now.

172
00:09:41,779 --> 00:09:44,448
Okay, fine. You wanna see the kid,
we'll go see the kid.

173
00:09:44,615 --> 00:09:46,200
Thank you.

174
00:09:46,993 --> 00:09:48,536
Was that so hard?

175
00:09:54,834 --> 00:09:57,962
Charlie? The road.

176
00:10:02,258 --> 00:10:04,051
Please?

177
00:10:08,180 --> 00:10:09,682
You know, when you have kids...

178
00:10:09,849 --> 00:10:12,184
...you find there's a deep,
spiritual connection.

179
00:10:12,351 --> 00:10:15,479
You feel an actual tug
when your child needs you.

180
00:10:15,646 --> 00:10:18,983
Interesting. What do you feel
when your brother hates you?

181
00:10:21,068 --> 00:10:22,945
Alan. Is everything okay?

182
00:10:23,112 --> 00:10:25,614
Oh, yeah, fine.
I just need to see Jake for a minute.

183
00:10:25,781 --> 00:10:28,075
- He's feeling a tug.
- A tug?

184
00:10:28,242 --> 00:10:31,203
Or it could be gas. We're not sure.

185
00:10:32,246 --> 00:10:33,748
Well, could you just call Jake?

186
00:10:33,914 --> 00:10:38,753
Jake, your father's here!
Put that down, Timmy!

187
00:10:38,919 --> 00:10:41,922
- What?
- I just wanted to see if you were okay.

188
00:10:43,466 --> 00:10:46,010
Oh, great, now I'm dead.
Thanks a lot.

189
00:10:46,802 --> 00:10:49,972
It doesn't count.
I was talking to my stupid dad.

190
00:10:51,682 --> 00:10:55,019
Well, it... It seems like
you've got everything under control here.

191
00:10:55,186 --> 00:10:56,937
Actually, I ran out of ice cream.

192
00:10:57,104 --> 00:11:00,232
Do you think you could keep an eye
on the kids for a few minutes?

193
00:11:00,399 --> 00:11:03,027
- Well...
- Thanks a million. I'll be right back.

194
00:11:14,121 --> 00:11:16,415
She ain't coming back.

195
00:11:16,832 --> 00:11:19,752
Three hours she was gone.

196
00:11:21,170 --> 00:11:25,800
And when she finally came back,
she was reeking of Old Spice and pot.

197
00:11:25,966 --> 00:11:29,428
- I see.
- And she didn't even have any ice cream.

198
00:11:30,387 --> 00:11:32,807
All right, let's stop here for a minute...

199
00:11:32,973 --> 00:11:36,644
...and talk in general
about your feelings towards women.

200
00:11:36,811 --> 00:11:38,896
No, thanks.

201
00:11:39,063 --> 00:11:41,065
- Rather discuss your childhood?
- Nope.

202
00:11:41,232 --> 00:11:44,193
- Father? Mother?
- Dead. Killed him.

203
00:11:45,069 --> 00:11:47,696
- Would you like to discuss that?
- We just did.

204
00:11:48,405 --> 00:11:51,158
Charlie, I'm not sure
we're on the same page here.

205
00:11:51,325 --> 00:11:53,160
Have you ever been in therapy before?

206
00:11:53,744 --> 00:11:57,748
- Does massage therapy count?
- No.

207
00:11:57,915 --> 00:12:01,001
It's almost the same thing.
One-on-one with a strange woman...

208
00:12:01,168 --> 00:12:04,588
...who charges you for the hour
and then only gives you 50 minutes?

209
00:12:06,298 --> 00:12:08,259
Why don't we just go back
to your story?

210
00:12:08,425 --> 00:12:10,886
Touch a nerve there, did I?

211
00:12:13,722 --> 00:12:14,974
Okay, okay.

212
00:12:15,140 --> 00:12:19,311
Well, Jake ignored his father
the entire time we were there, so...

213
00:12:19,728 --> 00:12:22,356
...Alan was a little upset
when we got back in the car.

214
00:12:22,523 --> 00:12:25,818
He hates me. My only son hates me.

215
00:12:26,026 --> 00:12:29,613
He doesn't hate you. He just
didn't appreciate you telling his friends...

216
00:12:29,780 --> 00:12:32,908
...that laser tag
can induce epileptic fits.

217
00:12:33,075 --> 00:12:35,160
- Well, it can.
- Be that as it may...

218
00:12:35,327 --> 00:12:38,831
...you could've gotten your point across
without flopping on the floor...

219
00:12:38,998 --> 00:12:42,001
...rolling your eyes up,
and pretending to swallow your tongue.

220
00:12:42,167 --> 00:12:46,046
Hey, hey.
A picture is worth a thous...

221
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:48,924
Charlie, stop the car.

222
00:12:49,383 --> 00:12:50,551
- Why?
- I have to get out.

223
00:12:50,718 --> 00:12:53,345
- I'm feeling claustrophobic.
- There's no place to stop.

224
00:12:53,512 --> 00:12:56,473
- We have to stop!
- Where?

225
00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:59,143
I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
I have to get out.

226
00:12:59,310 --> 00:13:03,022
- I have to get out now. Now, now, now.
- Okay, okay, hold on. Hold on.

227
00:13:06,150 --> 00:13:07,609
The seat belt won't come off.

228
00:13:07,776 --> 00:13:09,737
- Just push the button.
- I can't, I can't.

229
00:13:09,903 --> 00:13:13,615
- It won't come off. Help me.
- Okay, okay, move your hands.

230
00:13:17,453 --> 00:13:18,996
Okay.

231
00:13:19,538 --> 00:13:23,250
It's passing. It's... Yes. I'm okay.

232
00:13:23,417 --> 00:13:24,960
- No, you're not.
- What?

233
00:13:25,419 --> 00:13:26,545
- Get out.
- What?

234
00:13:26,712 --> 00:13:30,299
Get out now. Now, now, now.
Get out. Get out.

235
00:13:37,431 --> 00:13:39,558
That's better.

236
00:13:46,231 --> 00:13:49,485
So you just left your brother
on the side of the road?

237
00:13:50,277 --> 00:13:52,654
He couldn't believe it either.

238
00:13:53,781 --> 00:13:57,367
You should've seen his face
in the rear-view mirror.

239
00:13:57,534 --> 00:14:01,371
All right, Charlie, we've been talking
for quite a while, and I gotta tell you:

240
00:14:01,538 --> 00:14:04,249
I still don't understand
why you came to see me.

241
00:14:04,416 --> 00:14:05,626
You in a hurry?

242
00:14:07,127 --> 00:14:10,923
Doesn't that undermine your whole
pay-by-the-hour business model?

243
00:14:12,257 --> 00:14:15,094
- Go ahead.
- Thank you.

244
00:14:15,260 --> 00:14:19,139
So as I was driving away,
I decided I needed a little quiet time...

245
00:14:19,306 --> 00:14:21,975
...for, you know,
reflection and meditation.

246
00:14:31,693 --> 00:14:34,988
- Hey.
- Hey. What took you so long?

247
00:14:35,823 --> 00:14:38,158
I was sure you'd come back.

248
00:14:39,535 --> 00:14:42,246
I guess that's case closed
on the telepathy stuff.

249
00:14:44,414 --> 00:14:48,627
- What are you drinking?
- I don't know, something soothing.

250
00:14:49,378 --> 00:14:51,880
- Kahlua and cream.
- He's kidding. Give him a beer.

251
00:14:52,047 --> 00:14:55,551
- Must you always embarrass me?
- Hey, I have had a traumatic night.

252
00:14:55,717 --> 00:14:58,303
I feel very exposed, vulnerable,
confused...

253
00:14:58,470 --> 00:15:00,848
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, shut up, shut up, shut up.

254
00:15:02,850 --> 00:15:04,226
- Hi.
- Hi.

255
00:15:04,393 --> 00:15:07,563
- Yeah, hi.
- Can we buy you ladies a drink?

256
00:15:07,729 --> 00:15:12,317
- No, thanks. We're already pretty blitzed.
- Boy, are we blitzed.

257
00:15:12,484 --> 00:15:13,610
Perfect.

258
00:15:15,112 --> 00:15:16,488
I'm Charlie. This is Alan.

259
00:15:16,655 --> 00:15:18,240
- Amy.
- Beth.

260
00:15:18,407 --> 00:15:20,826
Nice to meet you.
How's it going tonight?

261
00:15:20,993 --> 00:15:23,161
- Pretty good.
- We're blitzed.

262
00:15:24,663 --> 00:15:28,041
- How about you?
- Yeah, how you doing?

263
00:15:28,208 --> 00:15:31,670
- Oh, boy. Where to start?
- No one's talking to you.

264
00:15:31,837 --> 00:15:34,464
- What's the matter, Alan?
- Yeah, what's the matter?

265
00:15:34,631 --> 00:15:36,425
Well, you really wanna know?

266
00:15:36,592 --> 00:15:39,636
They don't. Trust me, you really don't.

267
00:15:39,803 --> 00:15:42,889
Well, maybe it's a late reaction
to the divorce.

268
00:15:43,056 --> 00:15:47,603
Maybe it's my son not needing me
so much now that he's growing up...

269
00:15:47,769 --> 00:15:49,980
...but I think it's more than that.

270
00:15:50,147 --> 00:15:53,317
I think it's just life grinding me down,
and I just...

271
00:15:54,026 --> 00:15:55,944
I don't think I can take it anymore.

272
00:15:56,445 --> 00:15:59,740
- Oh, you poor baby.
- Poor, poor baby.

273
00:15:59,906 --> 00:16:02,367
- Tell us all about it.
- Yeah, tell us.

274
00:16:02,534 --> 00:16:05,412
Well, I was never a happy child.

275
00:16:05,579 --> 00:16:08,290
Oh, God, I was a miserable kid.

276
00:16:09,875 --> 00:16:12,836
And the only thing
that gave my life meaning was my son.

277
00:16:13,003 --> 00:16:14,921
At least you've got a son.

278
00:16:16,298 --> 00:16:19,176
I've got nothing, except...

279
00:16:19,343 --> 00:16:20,427
...epilepsy.

280
00:16:21,928 --> 00:16:23,805
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, oh, no.

281
00:16:32,022 --> 00:16:35,484
So anyway,
there I was on my wedding day...

282
00:16:35,650 --> 00:16:38,320
...in front of the priest
and all our friends...

283
00:16:38,487 --> 00:16:41,281
...flopping around on the altar
like an epileptic trout...

284
00:16:42,282 --> 00:16:44,117
...when I heard her father say:

285
00:16:44,284 --> 00:16:48,038
"You can't marry this man.
He's damaged goods."

286
00:16:48,205 --> 00:16:52,417
- Oh, gee.
- Yeah, oh, gee.

287
00:16:52,584 --> 00:16:55,253
That's when I realized
that all the money in the world...

288
00:16:55,420 --> 00:16:57,339
And I do have a lot.

289
00:16:57,923 --> 00:17:01,843
...can't replace that special tug
you feel...

290
00:17:03,637 --> 00:17:06,556
...when someone loves you
unconditionally.

291
00:17:07,099 --> 00:17:09,726
- Look, Beth, the ocean.
- Oh, the ocean.

292
00:17:09,893 --> 00:17:11,394
- Let's go skinny-dipping.
- Yeah.

293
00:17:11,561 --> 00:17:14,189
- You wanna come?
- Yeah, come with us.

294
00:17:14,356 --> 00:17:18,443
I'd love to, but I'm too sad
and I might swallow my tongue.

295
00:17:18,610 --> 00:17:24,616
You two go. Swim, splash, frolic.
Enjoy your healthy bodies.

296
00:17:24,783 --> 00:17:27,119
- Okay.
- Bye.

297
00:17:27,786 --> 00:17:29,204
Have you no shame?

298
00:17:29,830 --> 00:17:32,499
Let me think. Nope, just a tug.

299
00:17:32,666 --> 00:17:34,918
And that's another thing.
My angst is real.

300
00:17:35,085 --> 00:17:38,088
I don't appreciate you taking my tug
to get in someone's pants.

301
00:17:38,255 --> 00:17:41,883
News flash, Alan.
They're already out of their pants.

302
00:17:42,050 --> 00:17:45,554
And they're gonna come back cold, wet
and in desperate need of body heat.

303
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:49,891
For those of us with normal skin
temperature, it'll be a seller's market.

304
00:17:50,350 --> 00:17:52,519
- You're unbelievable.
- No, I just think ahead.

305
00:17:52,686 --> 00:17:55,689
They're gonna last two seconds
in that water. We have to hurry.

306
00:17:55,856 --> 00:17:57,858
I'll get the wine.
You light some candles.

307
00:17:58,024 --> 00:18:00,694
I'm sorry, I'm really not in the mood.

308
00:18:00,861 --> 00:18:05,115
Are you saying that I have to
get you liquored up so I can get laid?

309
00:18:05,866 --> 00:18:08,493
All right, I'll go along,
but only as a favor to you.

310
00:18:08,660 --> 00:18:10,328
Thank you.

311
00:18:11,162 --> 00:18:12,956
I'm gonna have to apply the condom...

312
00:18:13,123 --> 00:18:16,459
...and get a rope and pulley
to lower one of those broads onto him.

313
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,673
Since you're making me do this,
I get Amy.

314
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,759
The hell you do. Which one's Amy?

315
00:18:25,677 --> 00:18:28,096
Amy's the one
who overcame the eating disorder.

316
00:18:28,263 --> 00:18:32,851
- Starving herself or throwing up?
- Does it make a difference?

317
00:18:33,393 --> 00:18:36,521
- Does if you're paying for dinner.
- Amy is the brunette.

318
00:18:36,688 --> 00:18:40,150
- Got it. So I have Jennifer.
- You mean Beth.

319
00:18:40,317 --> 00:18:44,446
- Oh, right, right, B for "blonde."
- B can also be for "brunette."

320
00:18:44,613 --> 00:18:48,450
But Amy's the brunette.
So you could do A for "anorexic."

321
00:18:48,617 --> 00:18:51,119
Unless it's B for "bulimic."

322
00:18:51,911 --> 00:18:54,748
Good point.
We're gonna need a new system.

323
00:18:55,373 --> 00:18:57,083
Do you smell something?

324
00:18:57,250 --> 00:19:00,128
Yeah, what is that?

325
00:19:06,051 --> 00:19:08,678
I think you do these things
just to piss me off.

326
00:19:11,765 --> 00:19:15,101
- Oh, my God, what happened?
- Well, while I was trying to put it out...

327
00:19:15,268 --> 00:19:17,896
...my brother
stupidly called the fire department.

328
00:19:18,063 --> 00:19:19,147
Why was that stupid?

329
00:19:19,314 --> 00:19:22,484
Have you seen
a Malibu fireman recently?

330
00:19:23,026 --> 00:19:27,155
They're all young, buff surfer dudes
whipping their big hoses around.

331
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,660
Amy and Beth jumped on their
hook and ladder like a couple Dalmatians.

332
00:19:32,827 --> 00:19:35,205
We never saw them again.

333
00:19:35,622 --> 00:19:37,332
Yes, the Malibu Fire Department.

334
00:19:37,499 --> 00:19:41,503
I have several patients who compulsively
masturbate to their calendar.

335
00:19:41,669 --> 00:19:44,297
- No kidding.
- Both sexes.

336
00:19:45,423 --> 00:19:47,092
So, Charlie, I'm still not clear...

337
00:19:47,258 --> 00:19:49,761
...on what it is
you would like me to help you with.

338
00:19:49,928 --> 00:19:53,848
Your anger issues?
Your sexual issues? Drinking?

339
00:19:54,015 --> 00:19:56,434
No, no, no, that's all cool.

340
00:19:56,601 --> 00:20:00,271
Then tell me, why are you here?

341
00:20:00,438 --> 00:20:04,401
Okay, well, I'm here
to lay some groundwork for the future.

342
00:20:04,567 --> 00:20:06,027
Some groundwork?

343
00:20:06,194 --> 00:20:09,114
Yeah. I've come to realize
that there's a very good chance...

344
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:12,200
...that I might someday snap
and kill my brother.

345
00:20:14,536 --> 00:20:17,622
And I figure if I'm
already under a psychiatrist's care...

346
00:20:17,789 --> 00:20:20,583
...then I can always
cop an insanity plea.

347
00:20:21,376 --> 00:20:24,379
You're thinking of killing your brother?

348
00:20:27,882 --> 00:20:31,177
Doctor-patient confidentiality.

349
00:20:38,476 --> 00:20:39,769
Where's the bottle opener?

350
00:20:39,935 --> 00:20:42,355
Check in the drawer
by the coffee machine.

351
00:20:42,521 --> 00:20:45,191
Hey, what do you think of this
for the new drapes?

352
00:20:46,484 --> 00:20:48,235
T oo small.

353
00:20:48,861 --> 00:20:53,366
You know, I think it's kind of cheerful.
I'll put it in the "maybe" pile.

354
00:20:54,158 --> 00:20:56,160
You do that.

355
00:20:56,952 --> 00:20:59,664
You know, we're also
gonna have to reupholster the couch.

356
00:20:59,830 --> 00:21:01,999
- You think?
- There's a lot of water damage.

357
00:21:02,166 --> 00:21:06,337
Which, frankly, I think was the result
of the firemen showing off for the girls.

358
00:21:06,504 --> 00:21:08,381
You could be right.

359
00:21:10,132 --> 00:21:11,842
You know, I just wanna tell you...

360
00:21:12,009 --> 00:21:15,805
...I really appreciate you sticking by me
in the past couple of days...

361
00:21:15,971 --> 00:21:17,848
...you know,
pulling me out of my funk.

362
00:21:18,015 --> 00:21:20,434
You really are a great brother.

363
00:21:21,394 --> 00:21:25,481
- I don't know what I'd do without you.
- I don't know what I'd do without you.

364
00:21:28,567 --> 00:21:32,988
But golly, it's sure fun to think about.

365
00:21:57,638 --> 00:21:59,723
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group

366
00:21:59,890 --> 00:22:01,976
[ENGLISH]