1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,800
English Subtitles, renamed for "LP" WebDL release :)
Two and a Half Men S03E10 - Something Salted and Twisted - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

2
00:00:03,002 --> 00:00:04,670
Pretty fancy prices here.

3
00:00:05,046 --> 00:00:08,841
Yeah, well, just so we're clear,
I am picking up the tab tonight.

4
00:00:09,050 --> 00:00:11,677
- Okay.
- This is my celebration. I invited you.

5
00:00:12,053 --> 00:00:13,304
Fine.

6
00:00:13,512 --> 00:00:16,682
- So don't go grabbing the check.
- I won't touch the check.

7
00:00:18,893 --> 00:00:21,145
If you wanna leave the tip,
that'd be okay.

8
00:00:21,687 --> 00:00:22,730
I could do that.

9
00:00:23,814 --> 00:00:25,524
I usually leave 15 percent...

10
00:00:25,733 --> 00:00:28,361
...but if you wanna leave 20,
that's your call.

11
00:00:29,070 --> 00:00:30,738
Thank you.

12
00:00:31,530 --> 00:00:34,533
Unless you think it's easier
if we just split the check.

13
00:00:35,159 --> 00:00:36,202
Whatever.

14
00:00:36,661 --> 00:00:40,289
Of course, in many families if someone
is celebrating some good news...

15
00:00:40,498 --> 00:00:42,959
...his brother would insist
on buying dinner.

16
00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:47,046
- Then why don't I do that.
- But I'll leave the tip.

17
00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:48,923
- One question.
- What?

18
00:00:49,131 --> 00:00:51,133
- Do you have any money?
- No.

19
00:00:54,011 --> 00:00:56,055
I left my wallet at home.

20
00:00:56,806 --> 00:00:58,766
You mean this wallet?

21
00:01:05,439 --> 00:01:07,108
Oh, good, you found it.

22
00:01:08,693 --> 00:01:10,903
I was looking all over.

23
00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:15,282
So where did we leave things?
You're paying, we're splitting?

24
00:01:15,491 --> 00:01:16,742
Oh, just shut up.

25
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:20,413
What's this good news
you're celebrating?

26
00:01:20,621 --> 00:01:23,416
It's a surprise.
I wanna wait till Mom gets here.

27
00:01:23,624 --> 00:01:27,294
Yes, Jake, we see the spoon
on your nose, now stop it.

28
00:01:27,503 --> 00:01:28,546
Can you do it?

29
00:01:28,754 --> 00:01:32,091
I don't want to do it.
Now, behave yourself.

30
00:01:34,176 --> 00:01:35,219
Oh, work with me.

31
00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:38,931
Just wonderful.

32
00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:41,434
You pick a restaurant
that has no valet.

33
00:01:41,642 --> 00:01:43,477
I had to park three blocks away...

34
00:01:43,686 --> 00:01:46,480
...and then schlep here in shoes
that are not for walking.

35
00:01:46,689 --> 00:01:49,066
I've got a blister the size
of a Communion wafer.

36
00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:52,027
And if Mommy doesn't get
something to drink immediately...

37
00:01:52,236 --> 00:01:54,655
...things are going to get very ugly.

38
00:01:55,489 --> 00:01:57,241
Let the celebration begin.

39
00:01:58,617 --> 00:02:03,122
Maybe the lesson here, Mom, is to buy
shoes that are made for walking.

40
00:02:03,956 --> 00:02:05,624
Is it just me?

41
00:02:05,833 --> 00:02:07,710
In a perfect world, it would be.

42
00:02:09,378 --> 00:02:12,798
Well, anyway I'm here. So, what's
your big announcement, Alan?

43
00:02:13,007 --> 00:02:14,717
Jake, get that spoon off your nose.

44
00:02:14,925 --> 00:02:18,053
- You don't know where it's been.
- It's been on my nose.

45
00:02:19,764 --> 00:02:23,392
You really must start looking
at trade schools for the boy.

46
00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:27,313
Now that we are all here,
I have some good news to share.

47
00:02:28,355 --> 00:02:31,317
This is not gonna be on the
newsstands for a couple of days...

48
00:02:31,525 --> 00:02:34,153
...but I have an advance copy.

49
00:02:38,073 --> 00:02:40,284
"Good doctor, good neighbor,
good guy."

50
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:41,827
Good God.

51
00:02:42,661 --> 00:02:45,206
- Hey, Dad, you're famous.
- Well, not really.

52
00:02:45,414 --> 00:02:48,792
Well, among the readers of the
Tarzana Pennysaver, maybe a little.

53
00:02:49,001 --> 00:02:52,338
Don't forget the homeless people
who make underpants out of it.

54
00:02:52,963 --> 00:02:54,965
Charlie, don't be disrespectful.

55
00:02:55,174 --> 00:02:56,634
Thank you, Mom.

56
00:02:56,842 --> 00:03:00,971
So how much advertising did you have
to buy in exchange for this puff piece?

57
00:03:01,180 --> 00:03:03,474
Why do you assume
that I had to buy advertising?

58
00:03:03,682 --> 00:03:07,394
Is it that hard to believe that a local
newspaper might run a cover story...

59
00:03:07,603 --> 00:03:10,439
...about a successful
local chiropractor?

60
00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:12,066
Well, frankly, yes.

61
00:03:13,484 --> 00:03:16,779
Unless the chiropractor shot four
people to death in a mini-mart...

62
00:03:16,987 --> 00:03:19,365
...and then turned
the weapon on himself.

63
00:03:19,573 --> 00:03:23,118
You know, I get why Charlie has never
acknowledged my accomplishments.

64
00:03:23,327 --> 00:03:25,704
He's a hedonist
who can't get behind anyone...

65
00:03:25,913 --> 00:03:29,041
...unless they're drunk
and bent over a pool table.

66
00:03:29,541 --> 00:03:30,834
That's fair.

67
00:03:31,043 --> 00:03:32,544
But my own mother...

68
00:03:32,753 --> 00:03:35,005
You're up.

69
00:03:35,923 --> 00:03:37,591
Refusing to even feign interest.

70
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,760
I did so feign interest.

71
00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:42,763
You assumed I had to buy advertising
to get the article.

72
00:03:42,972 --> 00:03:44,640
Well, did you?

73
00:03:44,848 --> 00:03:47,726
Neighborhood advertising
is a good investment.

74
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:51,689
- But that is not the point.
- All right, what is the point?

75
00:03:51,897 --> 00:03:55,234
The point is, I can't even get
a simple attaboy from own my mother.

76
00:03:55,901 --> 00:03:59,238
Oh, well, I'm sorry.

77
00:04:01,573 --> 00:04:03,200
Attaboy.

78
00:04:05,119 --> 00:04:06,412
Feel better?

79
00:04:06,996 --> 00:04:10,374
- No, I do not feel better.
- Did I not say it right?

80
00:04:10,582 --> 00:04:14,712
You know what? Forget it.
Let's just order, eat and get out of here.

81
00:04:15,504 --> 00:04:17,756
One more of these,
and please keep them coming.

82
00:04:17,965 --> 00:04:20,801
I'll buy the drinks.
Unless you wanna split it with me.

83
00:04:30,227 --> 00:04:33,772
And you know what else?
You know what else?

84
00:04:33,981 --> 00:04:35,733
No, Alan, what else?

85
00:04:35,941 --> 00:04:41,280
I cannot believe that our mother
made us carry her to her car...

86
00:04:41,488 --> 00:04:44,616
...just because she had a teeny-weeny
little blister on her foot.

87
00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:51,040
Well, hopefully the next time we have
to carry her she'll be in a handy urn.

88
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:55,753
I'll pay for the urn
if you get the cremation.

89
00:04:55,961 --> 00:04:57,504
Done.

90
00:04:59,256 --> 00:05:01,884
- Jake? Where's my son?
- Right here, Dad.

91
00:05:02,092 --> 00:05:04,386
Oh, oh, good, good.

92
00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:06,638
Now, listen, boy.

93
00:05:07,723 --> 00:05:11,351
Your old dad
is not going to be here for...

94
00:05:17,566 --> 00:05:19,818
Is not going to be here forever.

95
00:05:20,027 --> 00:05:22,237
And when I'm gone...

96
00:05:22,446 --> 00:05:25,574
...I want there to be no doubt
in your mind...

97
00:05:25,783 --> 00:05:28,702
...that I was as proud as punch...

98
00:05:29,787 --> 00:05:34,917
...about all of your accomplishments,
no matter how miniscule.

99
00:05:35,417 --> 00:05:37,795
Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?

100
00:05:39,004 --> 00:05:42,716
No. Your daddy doesn't get plowed.

101
00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:45,344
He just gets a little:

102
00:05:51,809 --> 00:05:56,313
Anyway, the important thing
for you to know...

103
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:59,024
...is how much I love you.

104
00:05:59,441 --> 00:06:01,985
You told the waiter you loved him too.

105
00:06:03,612 --> 00:06:05,280
He was a very good waiter.

106
00:06:07,282 --> 00:06:12,162
And it's also important for you to know
that you can be anything you want.

107
00:06:12,371 --> 00:06:13,830
Anything in the world.

108
00:06:14,039 --> 00:06:17,376
- No, I can't.
- You're right. That's a crock.

109
00:06:20,128 --> 00:06:23,173
But I love you...

110
00:06:23,507 --> 00:06:25,842
...and you have cheeks like a beaver.

111
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,387
Now go to bed.

112
00:06:28,595 --> 00:06:31,598
Dad, we've been learning
about alcohol abuse at school.

113
00:06:31,807 --> 00:06:35,060
And if you ever need a new liver
you can have half of mine.

114
00:06:35,269 --> 00:06:37,187
Hey, hey, hey.
I thought we had a deal.

115
00:06:37,396 --> 00:06:39,356
Oh, yeah. Sorry, Dad.

116
00:06:42,317 --> 00:06:44,403
Best 5 bucks I ever spent.

117
00:06:46,113 --> 00:06:49,241
Now come on, let's tuck you into bed.

118
00:06:49,449 --> 00:06:55,247
Why can't my mother appreciate me?
All I wanted was one sincere attaboy.

119
00:06:55,455 --> 00:06:57,040
Was that too much to ask?

120
00:07:00,877 --> 00:07:02,838
Attaboy.

121
00:07:06,675 --> 00:07:10,095
Well, that looks like the last
of the scallops.

122
00:07:10,971 --> 00:07:13,557
Now all we gotta do
is wait for dessert.

123
00:07:14,766 --> 00:07:16,643
Rainbow sherbet.

124
00:07:17,060 --> 00:07:19,146
Oh, that should be pretty.

125
00:07:20,188 --> 00:07:24,234
You know, I have spent
my entire life...

126
00:07:24,443 --> 00:07:27,696
...trying to please Mom
to make her proud of me.

127
00:07:27,904 --> 00:07:29,281
But no more.

128
00:07:29,489 --> 00:07:31,158
I am done trying.

129
00:07:31,366 --> 00:07:32,534
Good for you.

130
00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:35,329
Oh, excuse me.

131
00:07:41,209 --> 00:07:42,711
Nope.

132
00:07:44,337 --> 00:07:48,467
You know, if you put the seat down,
it's easier to rest your arms.

133
00:07:50,552 --> 00:07:52,679
Oh, you're right.

134
00:07:53,805 --> 00:07:55,932
You're a wise man, Charlie Harper.

135
00:07:56,433 --> 00:07:59,853
Well, I do have a few pockets
of specialized knowledge.

136
00:08:00,062 --> 00:08:02,647
Some might call it wisdom.

137
00:08:04,816 --> 00:08:06,526
And it seems warmer too.

138
00:08:06,943 --> 00:08:10,155
It's further away from the cooling effect
of the water.

139
00:08:10,363 --> 00:08:15,160
Not to mention the residual body heat
accrued from thousands of ass hours.

140
00:08:19,581 --> 00:08:22,375
You've really given a lot of thought
to this.

141
00:08:23,126 --> 00:08:25,087
I'm thinking of writing a book.

142
00:08:25,462 --> 00:08:27,422
And I will read it.

143
00:08:27,839 --> 00:08:28,882
Thank you.

144
00:08:30,634 --> 00:08:32,177
You know what I am, Charlie?

145
00:08:32,636 --> 00:08:34,471
Yes.

146
00:08:34,679 --> 00:08:36,807
I am a pathological people pleaser.

147
00:08:37,599 --> 00:08:40,143
I had an entirely different answer.

148
00:08:40,685 --> 00:08:44,731
But more accurately,
I am a woman pleaser.

149
00:08:44,940 --> 00:08:48,276
No, Alan, I am a woman pleaser.

150
00:08:48,485 --> 00:08:52,113
You're a lonely guy
speckled with vomit.

151
00:08:52,572 --> 00:08:58,662
No, I'm not speaking physically,
I'm speaking psychologically.

152
00:08:59,538 --> 00:09:01,164
With Mom.

153
00:09:01,373 --> 00:09:03,542
With Judith.

154
00:09:03,750 --> 00:09:05,627
With every woman I've ever met.

155
00:09:05,836 --> 00:09:10,340
I have twisted myself into knots
just trying to get them to like me.

156
00:09:10,549 --> 00:09:12,509
My education...

157
00:09:12,717 --> 00:09:16,805
...my job, my clothes, my car...

158
00:09:17,013 --> 00:09:18,974
...my very behavior.

159
00:09:19,182 --> 00:09:24,104
All chosen simply to get women
to approve of me.

160
00:09:24,771 --> 00:09:27,148
And how's that worked out for you?

161
00:09:27,899 --> 00:09:29,693
They don't approve of me.

162
00:09:32,195 --> 00:09:34,531
But I am going to change, Charlie.

163
00:09:35,323 --> 00:09:39,077
I am no longer going to grovel
for Mom's approval...

164
00:09:39,286 --> 00:09:42,289
...or for the approval of any woman.

165
00:09:42,747 --> 00:09:47,085
I am going to live the remainder
of my life...

166
00:09:47,294 --> 00:09:48,753
...with pride...

167
00:09:48,962 --> 00:09:54,593
...and a quiet, noble dignity.

168
00:09:58,763 --> 00:10:02,559
But first, I'll sleep with my head
in the crapper.

169
00:10:28,626 --> 00:10:30,587
Can I make you some oatmeal?

170
00:10:31,129 --> 00:10:32,339
I've got cereal.

171
00:10:32,547 --> 00:10:33,923
I know.

172
00:10:34,132 --> 00:10:37,177
I just thought you might enjoy
something hot...

173
00:10:37,385 --> 00:10:39,679
...and quiet.

174
00:10:40,138 --> 00:10:41,264
Nope.

175
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:45,560
Do you have a hangover?

176
00:10:46,019 --> 00:10:47,270
Yeah.

177
00:10:47,479 --> 00:10:50,273
Drinking that much
was a stupid thing to do.

178
00:10:50,648 --> 00:10:52,359
So then why'd you do it?

179
00:10:53,276 --> 00:10:54,361
I don't know, Jake.

180
00:10:54,569 --> 00:10:59,699
- Maybe I'm just stupid.
- Or maybe you just don't apply yourself.

181
00:11:03,036 --> 00:11:05,789
Can we stop talking for a while?

182
00:11:05,997 --> 00:11:07,749
Okay.

183
00:11:10,919 --> 00:11:14,339
Although I do like a little conversation
at breakfast.

184
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:16,925
Morning, everybody.

185
00:11:17,342 --> 00:11:18,384
He's hung-over.

186
00:11:18,927 --> 00:11:20,261
Oh, yeah.

187
00:11:20,470 --> 00:11:23,098
Well, isn't this an ironic turn
of events?

188
00:11:23,306 --> 00:11:25,433
Me, waking up feeling
all bright and chipper.

189
00:11:25,642 --> 00:11:27,644
And you looking like a stool sample.

190
00:11:30,522 --> 00:11:32,315
Not a big irony fan, huh?

191
00:11:32,774 --> 00:11:34,234
- Charlie?
- Yeah.

192
00:11:34,442 --> 00:11:38,655
Either stop talking or at least
have the decency to kill me.

193
00:11:39,697 --> 00:11:42,826
- Boy, I'm never gonna drink.
- Good job.

194
00:11:43,034 --> 00:11:44,410
You scarred the kid for life.

195
00:11:44,619 --> 00:11:47,330
Now he's gonna have to face
junior high sober.

196
00:11:48,248 --> 00:11:50,959
- Just tell me one thing.
- What's that?

197
00:11:51,167 --> 00:11:54,128
Did I really tell the waiter
I loved him last night?

198
00:11:55,171 --> 00:11:58,132
You had to say something
after a kiss like that.

199
00:11:58,633 --> 00:12:00,802
Oh, God.

200
00:12:01,010 --> 00:12:03,179
- I took care of your bathroom.
- Thank you.

201
00:12:03,388 --> 00:12:06,724
I hope you like the smell
of pine-scented puke.

202
00:12:08,810 --> 00:12:11,145
So did I do anything else
I'm gonna regret?

203
00:12:11,354 --> 00:12:14,482
- Well, you paid for dinner.
- Jeez.

204
00:12:17,151 --> 00:12:19,904
And after we got home there was some
drunken blubbering...

205
00:12:20,113 --> 00:12:22,657
...about how you weren't
going to grovel for women.

206
00:12:22,866 --> 00:12:25,827
Oh, right. I almost forgot.

207
00:12:26,035 --> 00:12:28,997
I had a life-changing epiphany
last night.

208
00:12:29,205 --> 00:12:32,458
Before or after you yakked up
a hunk of your esophagus?

209
00:12:32,959 --> 00:12:34,627
No, no, it's no joke.

210
00:12:34,836 --> 00:12:36,921
I've reached a turning point.

211
00:12:37,130 --> 00:12:40,091
From this day on, my actions
will no longer be predicated...

212
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:43,303
...on pleasing the castrating
mother figures in my life.

213
00:12:46,097 --> 00:12:48,891
- What's so funny?
- Nothing.

214
00:12:52,103 --> 00:12:53,896
I think she doubts your epiphany.

215
00:12:54,897 --> 00:12:56,149
She'll see.

216
00:12:56,357 --> 00:12:57,525
They'll all see.

217
00:12:57,734 --> 00:13:01,446
Starting now, I am a new Alan.

218
00:13:03,114 --> 00:13:05,783
Oh, damn, I think I wet myself.

219
00:13:06,117 --> 00:13:10,204
Starting now, I will fear
no woman's disapproval.

220
00:13:10,413 --> 00:13:14,459
Oh, God, that's Judith. I was supposed
to have Jake ready. She's gonna kill me.

221
00:13:16,169 --> 00:13:18,463
Okay, starting now.

222
00:13:19,005 --> 00:13:20,214
Good for you.

223
00:13:20,632 --> 00:13:22,717
- Oh, I better get that.
- Let her wait.

224
00:13:22,925 --> 00:13:27,513
What she thinks of you doesn't matter.
What counts is what you think of you.

225
00:13:27,722 --> 00:13:28,848
You're right.

226
00:13:29,057 --> 00:13:31,142
It's what I think of me.

227
00:13:34,604 --> 00:13:38,274
- Alan?
- I had so much potential.

228
00:13:38,483 --> 00:13:40,693
Okay, forget what you think of you.

229
00:13:40,902 --> 00:13:43,446
Yeah, I'm probably too close to me
to see me clearly.

230
00:13:43,654 --> 00:13:45,281
Yeah, that's it.

231
00:13:46,366 --> 00:13:47,700
Oh, do I smell like vomit?

232
00:13:47,909 --> 00:13:50,995
Don't worry, I'll stand next to you.
She'll assume it's me.

233
00:13:51,204 --> 00:13:53,623
Good, good.

234
00:13:55,708 --> 00:13:57,043
Hi, Alan. Jake ready?

235
00:13:58,419 --> 00:14:01,089
- No, he is not.
- You said you'd have him ready.

236
00:14:04,217 --> 00:14:05,259
Well, I don't.

237
00:14:05,468 --> 00:14:11,599
And if that makes you unhappy with me,
well, I don't give a rat's furry ass.

238
00:14:12,558 --> 00:14:15,770
- What did you just say to me?
- Nothing, I'm sorry. Jake.

239
00:14:15,978 --> 00:14:18,439
- Starting now?
- Starting soon.

240
00:14:22,068 --> 00:14:23,903
You know what that smell is?

241
00:14:24,112 --> 00:14:27,156
Epiphany for men.

242
00:14:30,576 --> 00:14:32,745
So how long you been
in Los Angeles?

243
00:14:32,954 --> 00:14:35,748
About eight months.
Haven't got a single audition yet.

244
00:14:35,957 --> 00:14:39,210
Yeah, this can be a tough town
when you don't know anybody.

245
00:14:44,674 --> 00:14:47,093
So do you have
like a headshot or a résumé?

246
00:14:50,888 --> 00:14:52,640
- Is he okay?
- I don't know.

247
00:14:53,015 --> 00:14:55,101
Sir, are you okay?

248
00:14:55,977 --> 00:14:59,397
- I thought we came here to talk.
- Not to each other.

249
00:15:06,404 --> 00:15:09,073
- Let's talk. What's bothering you?
- I changed my mind...

250
00:15:09,282 --> 00:15:11,659
- ...I don't wanna talk about it.
- Talk or die.

251
00:15:13,411 --> 00:15:15,496
All right. I'm depressed.

252
00:15:15,705 --> 00:15:18,332
I wanna change but I can't.
Whenever I'm confronted...

253
00:15:18,541 --> 00:15:21,252
...by a disapproving woman,
something inside me crumbles.

254
00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:23,671
Well, Alan,
maybe that's just who you are.

255
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:28,175
You know, fish gotta swim,
birds gotta fly, you gotta crumble.

256
00:15:29,176 --> 00:15:32,346
What I don't understand
is I can intellectually see the problem...

257
00:15:32,555 --> 00:15:34,557
...but I just can't do anything about it.

258
00:15:34,765 --> 00:15:37,476
Excuse me. Can I have more
of these little pretzels?

259
00:15:37,685 --> 00:15:40,646
- In a minute.
- Okay, sorry. No hurry.

260
00:15:41,647 --> 00:15:43,441
Look, it's very simple.

261
00:15:43,649 --> 00:15:45,860
You were conditioned
to seek Mom's approval.

262
00:15:46,068 --> 00:15:47,904
You're still seeking Mom's approval...

263
00:15:48,112 --> 00:15:50,364
...and you make every woman
a substitute mom.

264
00:15:50,573 --> 00:15:52,700
But what about you?
We had the same mother.

265
00:15:53,242 --> 00:15:55,536
I handle my conditioning
in a different way.

266
00:15:55,745 --> 00:15:58,789
I have casual and often degrading sex
with my substitute moms...

267
00:15:58,998 --> 00:16:02,627
...but we're talking about you
and not me so forget I said that.

268
00:16:06,339 --> 00:16:08,758
Oh, how I'll try.

269
00:16:08,966 --> 00:16:11,927
But how do you deal with the fear
of disapproval?

270
00:16:12,136 --> 00:16:14,221
I mean, you must get
shot down occasionally.

271
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,265
Occasionally? Constantly.

272
00:16:16,474 --> 00:16:18,142
Constantly?

273
00:16:18,351 --> 00:16:20,353
Occasionally.

274
00:16:21,187 --> 00:16:23,022
It's a numbers game, Alan.

275
00:16:23,230 --> 00:16:25,816
We all want the shiny apple
on top of the tree.

276
00:16:26,025 --> 00:16:29,654
But sometimes you gotta settle
for one on a lower branch.

277
00:16:29,862 --> 00:16:33,199
Of course, there's times you pick up
whatever's lying on the ground...

278
00:16:33,407 --> 00:16:35,284
...and put it in your mouth.

279
00:16:35,993 --> 00:16:39,705
But how do you manage to keep going
on in the face of constant rejection?

280
00:16:40,247 --> 00:16:41,707
Occasional rejection.

281
00:16:43,084 --> 00:16:45,544
Okay, lesson one:

282
00:16:45,753 --> 00:16:47,213
Look around.

283
00:16:47,421 --> 00:16:51,342
Out of all the women here, which one
do you find the most attractive?

284
00:16:51,550 --> 00:16:53,135
Let's see.

285
00:17:10,569 --> 00:17:11,779
Her.

286
00:17:11,987 --> 00:17:13,072
The brunette? Why?

287
00:17:13,572 --> 00:17:15,783
I don't know,
there's just something about her.

288
00:17:16,492 --> 00:17:20,913
- Yeah, radiating waves of contempt.
- You asked me who I found attractive.

289
00:17:21,122 --> 00:17:22,164
That's true.

290
00:17:22,373 --> 00:17:25,876
She's your shiny apple. Now go
ask her if you can buy her a drink.

291
00:17:26,085 --> 00:17:28,170
What about the radiating waves
of contempt?

292
00:17:28,379 --> 00:17:31,549
That's just a defense mechanism
for a girl in a lot of pain.

293
00:17:31,757 --> 00:17:34,009
- Really?
- How the hell should I know?

294
00:17:35,177 --> 00:17:38,139
The point is, you can't let fear
stand in your way.

295
00:17:39,974 --> 00:17:43,227
- Well, I disagree.
- Are you questioning my methods?

296
00:17:43,436 --> 00:17:46,730
- Because we can stop right now.
- No, no, I'll do it. I'll do it.

297
00:17:50,234 --> 00:17:51,944
Would you like some more pretzels?

298
00:17:52,319 --> 00:17:56,073
Well, I am in the mood
for something salty and twisted.

299
00:17:56,282 --> 00:17:59,451
- You're terrible.
- You have no idea.

300
00:18:03,789 --> 00:18:07,293
- How'd it go?
- She's really got a mouth on her.

301
00:18:07,501 --> 00:18:08,794
So she rejected you?

302
00:18:09,003 --> 00:18:11,297
With anatomical specificity.

303
00:18:11,881 --> 00:18:14,341
- Good.
- Good? How is that good?

304
00:18:14,717 --> 00:18:17,344
- How do you feel now?
- What do you mean, how do I feel?

305
00:18:17,553 --> 00:18:19,221
- I feel humiliated.
- Where?

306
00:18:19,597 --> 00:18:21,265
- What?
- Where is the humiliation?

307
00:18:21,473 --> 00:18:24,685
- Where do you feel it?
- Oh, well, let's see.

308
00:18:24,894 --> 00:18:28,939
My stomach's all knotted, my heart is
pounding, I'm sweating like a pig.

309
00:18:29,148 --> 00:18:30,649
Okay, end of lesson one.

310
00:18:30,858 --> 00:18:33,986
That was lesson one?
Lesson one sucked.

311
00:18:34,528 --> 00:18:37,489
Lesson two: Have a drink.

312
00:18:38,073 --> 00:18:40,534
No, sweetheart, have a real drink.

313
00:18:42,912 --> 00:18:45,831
- I don't like Scotch.
- It's okay, it's bourbon.

314
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,499
Oh, all right.

315
00:18:52,421 --> 00:18:54,048
More.

316
00:18:58,552 --> 00:18:59,678
How do you feel now?

317
00:19:00,846 --> 00:19:03,390
- I feel a little better.
- Finish the drink.

318
00:19:03,807 --> 00:19:05,893
Can I put some diet Sprite in it?

319
00:19:06,810 --> 00:19:08,312
Just finish it.

320
00:19:13,108 --> 00:19:15,861
There you go. Now how do you feel?

321
00:19:17,863 --> 00:19:19,114
I feel pretty good.

322
00:19:21,450 --> 00:19:24,286
Like, to hell with her.
Who cares what she thinks?

323
00:19:24,495 --> 00:19:26,205
Perfect.

324
00:19:26,413 --> 00:19:29,708
Now go ask that chick over there
if you can buy her a drink.

325
00:19:30,084 --> 00:19:33,337
Wait a minute. Wait a minute,
that's your big secret? Alcohol?

326
00:19:34,713 --> 00:19:36,757
Don't tell anybody.

327
00:19:37,925 --> 00:19:42,429
- Isn't that just a temporary solution?
- It's only temporary if you stop drinking.

328
00:19:43,889 --> 00:19:45,307
I like it.

329
00:19:49,061 --> 00:19:51,438
Diet Sprite.

330
00:19:59,530 --> 00:20:00,906
I gotta hand it to you, Alan.

331
00:20:01,115 --> 00:20:04,618
Most guys would be off scallops
for a long time.

332
00:20:05,703 --> 00:20:07,454
I like scallops.

333
00:20:07,663 --> 00:20:10,165
But clearly they don't like you.

334
00:20:10,374 --> 00:20:13,711
I guess you choose your seafood
like you choose your women.

335
00:20:13,919 --> 00:20:15,212
I beg to differ.

336
00:20:15,421 --> 00:20:19,383
When it comes to women,
I make them sick.

337
00:20:22,302 --> 00:20:23,929
Fair enough.

338
00:20:24,138 --> 00:20:26,432
So, what else did we learn tonight?

339
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,767
Well, let's see.

340
00:20:28,976 --> 00:20:32,938
I learned that to overcome my fear
of rejection ingrained in me...

341
00:20:33,147 --> 00:20:35,524
...by an emotionally distant mother...

342
00:20:35,732 --> 00:20:39,069
...I need to completely disable
my central nervous system...

343
00:20:39,278 --> 00:20:42,614
...with semi-lethal quantities
of alcohol.

344
00:20:43,282 --> 00:20:45,117
Bravo.

345
00:20:46,618 --> 00:20:48,704
Hey, Charlie, are you coming to bed
or what?

346
00:20:49,121 --> 00:20:50,581
I'll be there in a second.

347
00:20:50,789 --> 00:20:54,209
- What're you looking at?
- Sorry. Very sorry.

348
00:20:55,627 --> 00:20:57,421
So how've you been?

349
00:21:01,049 --> 00:21:02,259
It worked.

350
00:21:02,468 --> 00:21:05,429
I am totally humiliated
and I don't care.

351
00:21:06,805 --> 00:21:09,183
You made real progress tonight.
I'm proud of you.

352
00:21:09,391 --> 00:21:13,562
Thanks, Charlie. You're a good teacher
and a good brother.

353
00:21:13,770 --> 00:21:15,480
Thanks.

354
00:21:17,983 --> 00:21:22,362
Well, I guess it's time for me
to go work out my issues.

355
00:21:25,741 --> 00:21:27,242
Good night, pal.

356
00:21:27,451 --> 00:21:29,244
Nighty-night.

357
00:21:56,939 --> 00:21:59,024
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group

358
00:21:59,191 --> 00:22:01,276
[ENGLISH]