1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,800
English Subtitles, renamed for "LP" WebDL release :)
Two and a Half Men S03E03 - Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

2
00:00:02,451 --> 00:00:05,121
...fifteen-yard line,
where the officials will mark it.

3
00:00:05,287 --> 00:00:06,914
Russell, the quarterback...

4
00:00:22,513 --> 00:00:24,265
Will you please stop that?

5
00:00:24,473 --> 00:00:26,809
I got a piece of popcorn stuck
in my teeth.

6
00:00:26,976 --> 00:00:29,395
- So go brush them.
- I brushed them this morning.

7
00:00:29,562 --> 00:00:33,065
- So go floss them.
- Oh, gross.

8
00:00:34,775 --> 00:00:36,819
Wait. I got it.

9
00:00:37,153 --> 00:00:38,612
No, that's chicken.

10
00:00:40,364 --> 00:00:42,491
When did we have chicken?

11
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:44,535
You didn't brush this morning,
did you?

12
00:00:44,743 --> 00:00:48,789
Between you and me,
I lost my toothbrush three days ago.

13
00:00:53,919 --> 00:00:55,671
Still good.

14
00:00:57,882 --> 00:01:00,676
Hey, have you met any of the ladies
my dad's been dating?

15
00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:03,345
- No. You?
- No.

16
00:01:07,099 --> 00:01:08,934
More chicken?

17
00:01:09,101 --> 00:01:10,853
Fingernail.

18
00:01:12,813 --> 00:01:14,440
Yours?

19
00:01:14,899 --> 00:01:16,692
I hope so.

20
00:01:20,905 --> 00:01:23,407
So how come I don't get to meet
Dad's dates?

21
00:01:23,574 --> 00:01:26,118
I don't know,
maybe because you're disgusting.

22
00:01:26,744 --> 00:01:29,288
No, come on, really.

23
00:01:29,455 --> 00:01:32,166
I'm not kidding. For most women,
you're a deal breaker.

24
00:01:32,333 --> 00:01:34,543
You used to say I was a babe magnet.

25
00:01:34,710 --> 00:01:36,837
You used to be little and cute.

26
00:01:37,504 --> 00:01:40,216
Now you're just old and in the way.

27
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:44,011
That's very hurtful, Uncle Charlie.

28
00:01:44,219 --> 00:01:47,848
The truth is your dad doesn't want you
to get attached to these women...

29
00:01:48,015 --> 00:01:49,934
...in case the relationship
doesn't work.

30
00:01:50,100 --> 00:01:51,143
Why?

31
00:01:51,310 --> 00:01:54,021
He loves you very much
and he cares about your feelings.

32
00:01:54,188 --> 00:01:55,689
You let me meet your dates.

33
00:01:57,566 --> 00:01:59,026
And what does that tell you?

34
00:02:00,736 --> 00:02:01,779
I have no idea.

35
00:02:18,370 --> 00:02:19,412
Hello?

36
00:02:19,996 --> 00:02:21,581
Hi, Dad.

37
00:02:21,790 --> 00:02:24,834
What are you doing up so late?
Charlie, what is he doing up?

38
00:02:25,585 --> 00:02:27,337
He's asleep.

39
00:02:27,504 --> 00:02:29,214
Oh, I'm sorry.

40
00:02:29,381 --> 00:02:31,758
- Charlie.
- What?

41
00:02:32,258 --> 00:02:33,593
Oh, hey, Alan.

42
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:35,512
What is he doing up so late?

43
00:02:35,678 --> 00:02:38,556
I told him to go to bed.
How many times did I tell you?

44
00:02:38,723 --> 00:02:40,475
Boy, I lost count.

45
00:02:41,434 --> 00:02:42,977
See?

46
00:02:43,144 --> 00:02:45,146
- So how was your date?
- Lt was fine.

47
00:02:45,313 --> 00:02:47,065
Did you get any?

48
00:02:51,528 --> 00:02:55,031
- Did I get any what?
- Hang on.

49
00:02:55,198 --> 00:02:56,449
What's he supposed to get?

50
00:02:57,742 --> 00:02:59,911
I swear I don't know
what he's talking about.

51
00:03:00,078 --> 00:03:01,746
Go to bed.

52
00:03:06,167 --> 00:03:08,962
- What are you teaching him?
- What difference does it make?

53
00:03:09,129 --> 00:03:12,173
The only thing he retains
is little shards of chicken.

54
00:03:14,008 --> 00:03:15,051
Wonderful.

55
00:03:15,218 --> 00:03:17,512
So did you get any?

56
00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:19,764
A nice evening.
We had a lovely dinner.

57
00:03:19,931 --> 00:03:21,599
For the record, a lovely dinner...

58
00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:23,977
...doesn't necessarily preclude
carpet burns...

59
00:03:24,144 --> 00:03:25,645
...and a bite mark on your ass.

60
00:03:25,812 --> 00:03:28,690
In this case, it was just dinner
and pleasant conversation.

61
00:03:28,857 --> 00:03:32,026
Well, that's why God gave us
Cinemax and an opposable thumb.

62
00:03:36,322 --> 00:03:38,032
Good evening.

63
00:03:38,616 --> 00:03:42,537
Alan, the kid was asking about these
women you've been going out with.

64
00:03:42,704 --> 00:03:44,080
Why he never meets them.

65
00:03:44,247 --> 00:03:45,957
Really? What did you tell him?

66
00:03:46,124 --> 00:03:48,751
I said it's probably
because he's disgusting.

67
00:03:48,918 --> 00:03:50,295
Oh, Charlie...

68
00:03:50,461 --> 00:03:53,923
I also told him that you love him,
you don't want him to get attached...

69
00:03:54,090 --> 00:03:55,967
...be disappointed
if things don't work.

70
00:03:56,134 --> 00:03:57,177
Good. Thank you.

71
00:03:57,343 --> 00:03:59,804
But how come
I don't get to meet them?

72
00:03:59,971 --> 00:04:01,514
Because you're disgusting.

73
00:04:03,266 --> 00:04:05,685
That's very hurtful, Alan.

74
00:04:06,477 --> 00:04:08,229
Come on, really.

75
00:04:08,396 --> 00:04:11,107
What's the big secret
with these women?

76
00:04:11,274 --> 00:04:13,109
Boy, I really don't wanna get into it.

77
00:04:13,276 --> 00:04:14,819
- They're hideous, right?
- No.

78
00:04:14,986 --> 00:04:17,864
- Insufferable? Inflatable?
- No.

79
00:04:19,282 --> 00:04:22,327
- Are you insane?
- Insane. Are they insane?

80
00:04:23,202 --> 00:04:25,955
- Leave me alone.
- Come on, give me a hint.

81
00:04:26,122 --> 00:04:27,582
When you go to pick them up...

82
00:04:27,749 --> 00:04:30,043
...do you need a Border collie
to cut them off?

83
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,003
Stop it.

84
00:04:32,170 --> 00:04:35,256
I'm never gonna stop, Alan.
You know me better than that.

85
00:04:35,465 --> 00:04:37,675
Okay, fine. I'll tell you.

86
00:04:37,842 --> 00:04:40,094
First of all, there's no women.

87
00:04:40,261 --> 00:04:43,556
Imaginary. My next guess
was gonna be imaginary.

88
00:04:44,307 --> 00:04:46,351
Let me finish.

89
00:04:46,726 --> 00:04:47,936
It's just one woman.

90
00:04:48,102 --> 00:04:50,104
I've been seeing the same woman
for weeks.

91
00:04:50,271 --> 00:04:53,024
- I see. You've been playing it slow.
- Yes.

92
00:04:53,191 --> 00:04:55,109
And by slow I mean gay.

93
00:04:56,778 --> 00:04:58,988
I can't talk to you about this.

94
00:04:59,155 --> 00:05:02,617
Alan, you hook a fish
and play it too long.

95
00:05:02,784 --> 00:05:04,911
You know what
you have when you reel it in?

96
00:05:05,078 --> 00:05:08,373
- What?
- A tired fish that thinks you're gay.

97
00:05:09,332 --> 00:05:11,668
Do you drink
while you're babysitting my son?

98
00:05:11,834 --> 00:05:13,795
Not at first, but he wears me down.

99
00:05:15,672 --> 00:05:19,425
- So, what's the deal with this broad?
- She's not a broad.

100
00:05:22,345 --> 00:05:23,846
It's Judith.

101
00:05:24,430 --> 00:05:26,349
- Your ex-wife?
- Yep.

102
00:05:26,557 --> 00:05:28,393
Okay, okay. That's not fair.

103
00:05:28,559 --> 00:05:31,562
You said no to insufferable
and insane.

104
00:05:32,271 --> 00:05:34,649
- Very funny.
- Are you serious?

105
00:05:34,816 --> 00:05:37,902
And by serious I mean dumber
than a bag of doorknobs.

106
00:05:38,069 --> 00:05:40,029
Look, we went out
to dinner weeks ago...

107
00:05:40,196 --> 00:05:42,532
...to talk about getting Jake
into middle school.

108
00:05:42,699 --> 00:05:45,410
Before you know it, we're laughing,
having a great time.

109
00:05:45,576 --> 00:05:49,789
I can see the humor in trying to get
the little bonehead into a good school.

110
00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:53,543
But that doesn't mean you start
dating your ex-wife.

111
00:05:53,710 --> 00:05:56,546
I know what you're thinking.
I'm being naive and romantic.

112
00:05:56,712 --> 00:05:59,006
Not even close.

113
00:05:59,215 --> 00:06:02,385
You can't overlook the fact
that we still have a lot in common.

114
00:06:02,552 --> 00:06:05,179
Yeah, neither of you
have any respect for you.

115
00:06:06,222 --> 00:06:10,476
The point is, she wants to give it
another try and so do I.

116
00:06:10,643 --> 00:06:13,729
We can't let Jake know, we don't
want him to get his hopes up.

117
00:06:13,938 --> 00:06:18,901
Oh, buddy, why don't you just take
an electric sander to your testicles?

118
00:06:21,070 --> 00:06:23,614
We're both adults,
we're aware of the pitfalls...

119
00:06:23,781 --> 00:06:26,409
...and we think it's worth the risk.

120
00:06:27,201 --> 00:06:31,080
Okay, fine. I wish you both
nothing but happiness.

121
00:06:31,247 --> 00:06:32,373
Thank you.

122
00:06:51,517 --> 00:06:52,768
Hello.

123
00:06:52,935 --> 00:06:54,896
Hello.

124
00:06:56,814 --> 00:06:57,899
What's going on?

125
00:06:58,065 --> 00:07:01,569
Sit down, Alan. We need to talk.

126
00:07:01,777 --> 00:07:07,325
Yeah, well, listen, I'd love to but
I've gotta wake up Jake so we can...

127
00:07:09,744 --> 00:07:11,704
Let him sleep.

128
00:07:13,706 --> 00:07:15,416
Am I getting whacked?

129
00:07:15,625 --> 00:07:19,003
It was discussed,
but I was overruled.

130
00:07:19,670 --> 00:07:21,422
Sit down.

131
00:07:25,676 --> 00:07:29,597
Alan, we're all here
because we love you.

132
00:07:29,764 --> 00:07:33,309
And we don't wanna see you
make a terrible mistake.

133
00:07:33,643 --> 00:07:36,270
I'm just waiting
for my toaster strudel to pop.

134
00:07:40,232 --> 00:07:42,109
There we go.

135
00:07:44,612 --> 00:07:45,655
You told on me.

136
00:07:45,863 --> 00:07:50,534
Hey, you wouldn't listen to reason,
so now you're gonna listen to Mom.

137
00:07:51,369 --> 00:07:55,957
Alan, sweetheart, you know,
I only want the best for you, right?

138
00:07:57,708 --> 00:07:59,627
I do.

139
00:08:01,462 --> 00:08:03,589
I do.

140
00:08:04,340 --> 00:08:07,802
Which is why when Judith threw
you out, I was there supporting you.

141
00:08:07,969 --> 00:08:10,888
- You had other options?
- Don't be naive.

142
00:08:11,055 --> 00:08:12,765
I could have sucked up to Judith...

143
00:08:12,932 --> 00:08:15,142
...in order to have more access
to my grandson.

144
00:08:15,309 --> 00:08:17,311
But no, I burned that bridge.

145
00:08:17,478 --> 00:08:20,564
I said horrible things to her
that I can never take back.

146
00:08:20,731 --> 00:08:24,026
Keep in mind, this is a woman who
worked the phrase "mousy bitch"...

147
00:08:24,193 --> 00:08:26,070
...into her wedding toast.

148
00:08:30,032 --> 00:08:33,911
So if you two reconcile,
I'll have to apologize to her.

149
00:08:34,078 --> 00:08:37,998
- So?
- I'd rather kill us all.

150
00:08:39,750 --> 00:08:42,586
Okay, moving on.

151
00:08:42,795 --> 00:08:45,005
Rose? Do you have something
you'd like to say?

152
00:08:45,172 --> 00:08:47,383
Yes, thank you.

153
00:08:47,758 --> 00:08:52,096
Alan, when I first met you,
I didn't care for you at all.

154
00:08:52,263 --> 00:08:54,932
You were a fussy, whiny control freak.

155
00:09:00,354 --> 00:09:01,647
Yes? And now?

156
00:09:03,357 --> 00:09:05,526
Now it doesn't bother me so much.

157
00:09:07,445 --> 00:09:11,157
I think what Rose means is that
since the divorce, you've grown...

158
00:09:11,323 --> 00:09:12,867
...you've been reborn.

159
00:09:13,075 --> 00:09:14,243
That's not what I meant.

160
00:09:14,410 --> 00:09:16,996
If that was what I meant,
that's what I would've said.

161
00:09:17,371 --> 00:09:20,708
- Sorry.
- Yeah, you'll get your turn.

162
00:09:20,875 --> 00:09:22,501
Okay.

163
00:09:24,253 --> 00:09:27,506
Alan, life is all about moving on.

164
00:09:27,673 --> 00:09:31,469
Now, in the animal kingdom,
sharks move forward...

165
00:09:31,635 --> 00:09:33,721
...while crabs move sideways.

166
00:09:33,888 --> 00:09:36,682
So the question you have to ask
yourself is:

167
00:09:36,849 --> 00:09:39,810
Are you a shark or a crab?

168
00:09:43,814 --> 00:09:45,399
Which way do Sea-Monkeys move?

169
00:09:48,319 --> 00:09:49,445
Okay, that's Judith.

170
00:09:49,612 --> 00:09:51,906
Now, I thank you for your concern...

171
00:09:52,072 --> 00:09:54,825
...but I would appreciate it
if nobody said anything...

172
00:09:54,992 --> 00:09:57,077
...and everybody just stayed out of it.

173
00:10:00,498 --> 00:10:01,916
Yeah, right.

174
00:10:02,833 --> 00:10:05,294
- Hey, Mom.
- Hi, honey. Why aren't you dressed?

175
00:10:05,461 --> 00:10:08,881
I told you I was picking him up early.
Why isn't he ready? Get dressed.

176
00:10:09,048 --> 00:10:10,716
- I'm sorry.
- You're always sorry...

177
00:10:10,883 --> 00:10:12,801
...but I always play the bad guy.

178
00:10:12,968 --> 00:10:15,471
- Damn it, Alan.
- Okay, he's gone.

179
00:10:15,638 --> 00:10:18,390
- I was thinking about you last night.
- Really?

180
00:10:18,557 --> 00:10:21,477
- What were you thinking?
- Just what a nice time I had.

181
00:10:21,644 --> 00:10:23,020
Yes, yes, it was.

182
00:10:29,443 --> 00:10:30,486
Alan?

183
00:10:39,954 --> 00:10:41,872
Turn around.

184
00:10:42,623 --> 00:10:43,999
Hi, Judith.

185
00:10:44,875 --> 00:10:46,794
Hello. How are you?

186
00:10:46,961 --> 00:10:48,045
Fine.

187
00:10:48,921 --> 00:10:50,506
Bye, Dad. Bye, everybody.

188
00:10:50,673 --> 00:10:52,174
Bye, Jake.

189
00:10:53,425 --> 00:10:56,470
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

190
00:10:59,223 --> 00:11:02,685
- Thanks for staying out of it.
- You're welcome.

191
00:11:06,355 --> 00:11:09,149
Hey, Alan. Come on out,
I got a surprise for you.

192
00:11:09,316 --> 00:11:12,528
Can it wait? Jake forgot
his math book. I'll run it to Judith's.

193
00:11:12,695 --> 00:11:14,613
No, no, no.
You can't go to Judith's.

194
00:11:14,780 --> 00:11:16,323
The surprise is ready now.

195
00:11:16,532 --> 00:11:18,158
Okay. What is it?

196
00:11:22,579 --> 00:11:23,831
Oh, for God's sake.

197
00:11:23,998 --> 00:11:26,500
Wait, there's more.

198
00:11:31,338 --> 00:11:35,300
Twins, Alan. I got them for you,
but you can share if you want.

199
00:11:35,467 --> 00:11:37,219
Charlie, no.

200
00:11:37,386 --> 00:11:39,471
Fine, you can have them both.

201
00:11:39,638 --> 00:11:42,516
Bad luck to split sisters anyway.

202
00:11:42,725 --> 00:11:44,476
I don't want them.
I'm going to Judith's.

203
00:11:44,643 --> 00:11:47,021
I don't think you're getting
the full picture.

204
00:11:47,187 --> 00:11:49,481
Turn around.
Show him the full picture.

205
00:11:53,777 --> 00:11:57,364
That's daily Pilates classes
and one meal a month.

206
00:11:59,283 --> 00:12:01,368
- I'll see you later.
- Are you sure?

207
00:12:01,535 --> 00:12:04,288
Even together, these girls aren't
as old as your ex-wife.

208
00:12:04,455 --> 00:12:05,914
Bye.

209
00:12:08,083 --> 00:12:09,877
Oh, for the love of God.

210
00:12:10,502 --> 00:12:12,629
Stop turning.

211
00:12:12,838 --> 00:12:14,673
Show's over.

212
00:12:16,175 --> 00:12:18,969
- Isn't he adorable?
- Yeah.

213
00:12:19,136 --> 00:12:21,889
When he's sleeping,
he's like a little angel.

214
00:12:28,771 --> 00:12:30,731
I was planning to have
a glass of wine...

215
00:12:30,898 --> 00:12:32,775
...sit in the hot tub
before you came.

216
00:12:32,941 --> 00:12:36,111
I'm sorry. I just wanted to be sure
he got the book. I'll get out.

217
00:12:36,278 --> 00:12:38,113
Alan. Would you like to join me?

218
00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:40,532
Well, I didn't bring a bathing suit.

219
00:12:40,699 --> 00:12:43,076
You don't need a bathing suit.

220
00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:45,996
Okay.

221
00:12:46,914 --> 00:12:49,249
Have you been keeping up
the chlorine treatments?

222
00:12:49,416 --> 00:12:53,086
Without a bathing suit, you're just
inviting algae into your privates.

223
00:12:55,756 --> 00:12:58,884
- I like the new patio furniture.
- Thanks.

224
00:12:59,051 --> 00:13:01,678
- What is that, redwood?
- Teak.

225
00:13:01,845 --> 00:13:05,641
Oh, teak. That must have set me
back a few bucks.

226
00:13:05,849 --> 00:13:08,644
The salesman said it would pay
for itself in five years.

227
00:13:08,810 --> 00:13:10,896
Oh, really? How is it gonna do that?

228
00:13:11,063 --> 00:13:13,023
Is it gonna get a paper route?

229
00:13:14,858 --> 00:13:17,319
- It's very nice.
- Thank you.

230
00:13:17,528 --> 00:13:21,323
Of course, it's gonna require a lot
of upkeep.

231
00:13:21,490 --> 00:13:27,621
Actually, all wood that's outside
requires upkeep except trees.

232
00:13:27,829 --> 00:13:29,706
They seem to have it down.

233
00:13:30,332 --> 00:13:31,542
Alan, are you nervous?

234
00:13:31,750 --> 00:13:32,960
Yeah, a little.

235
00:13:33,126 --> 00:13:36,838
I mean, we've been separated
for two years.

236
00:13:37,005 --> 00:13:39,758
I haven't seen you naked for four.

237
00:13:41,093 --> 00:13:44,972
Except, you know, that one time
I walked in on you on the toilet.

238
00:13:49,142 --> 00:13:51,186
Mom? You out there?

239
00:13:51,353 --> 00:13:53,146
Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?

240
00:13:53,313 --> 00:13:55,565
- Take a deep breath.
- What?

241
00:13:56,483 --> 00:13:57,818
I'm thirsty.

242
00:13:57,985 --> 00:14:00,696
- Have something to drink.
- There's no more Goofy Juice.

243
00:14:00,862 --> 00:14:03,532
- So have some water.
- Fine.

244
00:14:07,035 --> 00:14:10,038
- Hey, Mom?
- What?

245
00:14:11,707 --> 00:14:14,001
I'm hungry too.
Can you make me a sandwich?

246
00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:17,504
- No. Have your drink and go to bed.
- Fine.

247
00:14:20,215 --> 00:14:22,092
Mom.

248
00:14:23,885 --> 00:14:26,596
- How about a cookie?
- You already brushed your teeth.

249
00:14:26,763 --> 00:14:28,515
- No, I didn't.
- You said you did.

250
00:14:28,682 --> 00:14:30,434
I always say that.

251
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:34,271
- Well, then brush them and go to bed.
- Fine.

252
00:14:35,397 --> 00:14:37,315
Oh, God.

253
00:14:46,742 --> 00:14:47,826
Are you okay?

254
00:14:48,035 --> 00:14:51,413
There was a bright light
and I saw my dead grandma.

255
00:14:53,123 --> 00:14:55,208
She seemed happy.

256
00:14:55,417 --> 00:14:56,960
Here, have a little wine.

257
00:14:57,127 --> 00:14:59,504
Thank you. Thank you.

258
00:14:59,796 --> 00:15:00,881
That was close.

259
00:15:01,048 --> 00:15:02,799
Relax, he didn't see you.

260
00:15:03,008 --> 00:15:05,719
But what if he comes back?
Maybe I should go.

261
00:15:05,927 --> 00:15:08,764
Or we could go upstairs
and get in bed.

262
00:15:09,806 --> 00:15:11,308
Bed?

263
00:15:11,516 --> 00:15:13,477
- Our old bed?
- My new bed.

264
00:15:13,685 --> 00:15:16,021
Oh, what was wrong
with the old one?

265
00:15:16,188 --> 00:15:18,064
- Too many memories.
- Of what?

266
00:15:18,231 --> 00:15:20,817
You pretending to sleep
and me watching Letterman?

267
00:15:22,027 --> 00:15:24,029
Alan, do you wanna have this
conversation?

268
00:15:24,196 --> 00:15:27,574
No, I don't. But apparently,
my mouth has a mind of its own.

269
00:15:27,783 --> 00:15:29,743
Well, let's put your mouth
to better use.

270
00:15:30,535 --> 00:15:33,413
I can't go back underwater, Judith.

271
00:15:38,676 --> 00:15:40,720
- Hey, Charlie.
- Yeah?

272
00:15:40,887 --> 00:15:42,597
Not that it's any of my business...

273
00:15:42,764 --> 00:15:45,016
...I couldn't help noticing
the matched set...

274
00:15:45,183 --> 00:15:47,894
...of rotating floozies
on your deck earlier.

275
00:15:48,103 --> 00:15:51,189
They were for Alan. I was trying
to get his mind off of Judith.

276
00:15:51,356 --> 00:15:55,026
With a night of meaningless,
impersonal group sex?

277
00:15:55,193 --> 00:15:57,403
What a good brother.

278
00:15:58,029 --> 00:16:00,782
No, no, a good brother
gets him a couple of girls.

279
00:16:00,949 --> 00:16:04,536
It takes a great brother
to get him two from the same egg.

280
00:16:06,246 --> 00:16:11,125
You know, there is a possibility
that we were wrong about this.

281
00:16:11,292 --> 00:16:13,628
Maybe Alan and Judith
can work things out.

282
00:16:13,837 --> 00:16:15,547
Maybe. But if they do...

283
00:16:15,713 --> 00:16:18,299
- ...what happens to Jake?
- Grows up in a happy home...

284
00:16:18,466 --> 00:16:20,635
...with a mommy and daddy
who love each other?

285
00:16:20,802 --> 00:16:22,804
Yeah, but what about me?

286
00:16:24,097 --> 00:16:26,474
It's too late for you, Charlie.

287
00:16:26,683 --> 00:16:29,769
No, I mean,
what happens to me and Jake?

288
00:16:29,936 --> 00:16:31,396
I'll never get to see him.

289
00:16:32,522 --> 00:16:34,399
You really love the little guy, huh?

290
00:16:35,108 --> 00:16:38,069
Yeah, I guess I do.

291
00:16:38,695 --> 00:16:40,488
Love hurts, Rose.

292
00:16:40,697 --> 00:16:42,949
Yes, it does.

293
00:16:43,116 --> 00:16:45,118
Especially when you've given
your heart...

294
00:16:45,285 --> 00:16:47,495
...to someone who barely knows
you exist.

295
00:16:47,662 --> 00:16:52,208
Who insists on plowing through
strange, stupid women...

296
00:16:52,375 --> 00:16:54,586
...who could never love him
the way you do...

297
00:16:54,752 --> 00:16:56,629
...leaving you to stand outside...

298
00:16:56,796 --> 00:16:58,423
...alone in the night...

299
00:16:58,590 --> 00:17:02,093
...wishing with all your heart
that he would come to his senses...

300
00:17:02,260 --> 00:17:07,307
...and realize that his true happiness
lies with you and no one else...

301
00:17:07,473 --> 00:17:10,184
...but knowing all the while
that it will never happen...

302
00:17:10,351 --> 00:17:14,230
...because he's a selfish, immature,
heartless jerk.

303
00:17:18,526 --> 00:17:20,194
I mean...

304
00:17:20,987 --> 00:17:22,071
...poor baby.

305
00:17:27,327 --> 00:17:30,204
Okay, I'm gonna stick my neck
out here...

306
00:17:30,371 --> 00:17:32,749
...and say that was the best sex
we ever had.

307
00:17:32,915 --> 00:17:35,126
- I agree.
- Not that it wasn't good before.

308
00:17:35,293 --> 00:17:36,502
It wasn't.

309
00:17:38,129 --> 00:17:40,423
Okay, granted.

310
00:17:42,467 --> 00:17:44,177
Which raises the question:

311
00:17:44,886 --> 00:17:46,637
Why is it so much better now?

312
00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:49,015
- Does it matter?
- Well, no, not really.

313
00:17:49,182 --> 00:17:51,142
I mean, just curious.

314
00:17:51,309 --> 00:17:53,436
I mean, I...

315
00:17:53,603 --> 00:17:56,189
I noticed some new moves
on your part...

316
00:17:56,356 --> 00:17:59,525
...and I can't help wondering where
you might have picked them up.

317
00:17:59,692 --> 00:18:02,153
You haven't been with other women
in two years?

318
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:05,948
Oh, no, I've been with other women,
I just didn't learn anything.

319
00:18:06,616 --> 00:18:10,411
You, on the other hand, have
an entirely new sexual repertoire...

320
00:18:10,578 --> 00:18:14,874
...including a couple of numbers
I requested when we were married.

321
00:18:15,041 --> 00:18:17,377
- Alan...
- And by requested I mean begged.

322
00:18:17,585 --> 00:18:19,796
Please don't go there.

323
00:18:19,962 --> 00:18:23,007
Now, see, that's what I'm used to
hearing from you in bed.

324
00:18:23,174 --> 00:18:29,389
"Don't go there. " "Don't touch that."
"Leave that alone, it's not a toy."

325
00:18:30,264 --> 00:18:32,725
So I've changed.
I would think you would be happy.

326
00:18:32,892 --> 00:18:35,061
Well, I was. Very happy.

327
00:18:35,269 --> 00:18:37,438
But then I started to think about it.

328
00:18:37,605 --> 00:18:40,274
There's no reason
you couldn't have changed with me.

329
00:18:40,441 --> 00:18:42,276
- Oh, please.
- I gave you every chance.

330
00:18:42,443 --> 00:18:45,446
I bought tickets to sex seminars,
I brought home books...

331
00:18:45,613 --> 00:18:48,991
...and tapes and accessories.
And what happened?

332
00:18:49,158 --> 00:18:51,536
I sat right here reading
and watching by myself...

333
00:18:51,702 --> 00:18:54,455
...while eating low-fat love jelly
out of the tube.

334
00:18:54,622 --> 00:18:56,415
Okay, I can see this was a bad idea.

335
00:18:56,582 --> 00:18:59,127
No, the bad idea was sitting in
that filthy hot tub...

336
00:18:59,293 --> 00:19:00,628
...without a bathing suit.

337
00:19:00,795 --> 00:19:02,964
I can feel mushrooms
growing in my crack.

338
00:19:03,172 --> 00:19:04,507
Just go home, Alan.

339
00:19:04,674 --> 00:19:07,093
We're not married.
You can't tell me what to do.

340
00:19:07,260 --> 00:19:10,513
- Hey, Mom? Does this look infected?
- Okay, bye!

341
00:19:16,727 --> 00:19:19,981
It's okay, I didn't see anything.

342
00:19:39,933 --> 00:19:41,101
Hey.

343
00:19:43,979 --> 00:19:45,481
Hey.

344
00:19:48,859 --> 00:19:50,777
What are you watching?

345
00:19:51,153 --> 00:19:53,322
Soft-core porn.

346
00:19:55,657 --> 00:19:57,493
Sound's not on.

347
00:19:57,659 --> 00:19:59,661
I don't need to hear them.

348
00:20:01,455 --> 00:20:03,624
Aren't those the twins
from the deck?

349
00:20:03,832 --> 00:20:05,417
Too late now, Alan.

350
00:20:05,584 --> 00:20:07,669
You could have been delivering
that pizza.

351
00:20:12,549 --> 00:20:14,510
How's Judith?

352
00:20:15,385 --> 00:20:16,470
Fine.

353
00:20:16,637 --> 00:20:18,931
She got some new patio furniture.

354
00:20:19,139 --> 00:20:20,224
That's nice.

355
00:20:20,390 --> 00:20:21,975
Teak.

356
00:20:22,392 --> 00:20:24,269
Put in some rose bushes too.

357
00:20:24,478 --> 00:20:26,104
How about that.

358
00:20:26,271 --> 00:20:29,233
And I think the neighbors
got a new dog.

359
00:20:31,235 --> 00:20:33,612
Mean dog.

360
00:20:36,531 --> 00:20:38,075
Really?

361
00:20:38,408 --> 00:20:40,702
Might have been a coyote.

362
00:20:45,666 --> 00:20:50,420
Hard to say.
It was dark and I was crying.

363
00:20:54,716 --> 00:20:57,261
- Anything else?
- No.

364
00:20:57,427 --> 00:21:00,180
Oh, yeah,
I saw our dead grandmother.

365
00:21:00,973 --> 00:21:03,350
- Where?
- Ln the hot tub.

366
00:21:04,351 --> 00:21:07,854
Oh, that's the cab.

367
00:21:08,021 --> 00:21:11,566
Could you lend me 60 bucks?

368
00:21:11,733 --> 00:21:14,695
I don't have my wallet on me.

369
00:21:17,030 --> 00:21:18,699
Sure.

370
00:21:19,157 --> 00:21:21,702
Oh, thank you.

371
00:21:29,626 --> 00:21:32,754
I suddenly have a craving
for pizza.

372
00:21:58,030 --> 00:22:00,115
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group

373
00:22:00,282 --> 00:22:02,367
[ENGLISH]