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English Subtitles, renamed for "LP" WebDL release :)
Two and a Half Men S03E05 - We Called It Mr. Pinky - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

2
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Why do you have to leave?

3
00:00:04,253 --> 00:00:06,714
Charlie, I have to get home.
I have to feed my cat.

4
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- I have to feed my fish.
- We've been in bed for three days.

5
00:00:09,926 --> 00:00:13,721
I'm guessing the cat's fed and what's
left of the fish is in the Kitty Litter.

6
00:00:14,305 --> 00:00:15,848
Well, I also have a job.

7
00:00:16,015 --> 00:00:17,892
- Call in sick.
- I did it yesterday.

8
00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:20,561
Okay, call in horny.
I'll write you a note.

9
00:00:20,728 --> 00:00:23,147
I wish I could. I love being with you.

10
00:00:23,314 --> 00:00:25,066
Me too.

11
00:00:25,691 --> 00:00:28,069
And having you here
just makes it all the better.

12
00:00:29,278 --> 00:00:31,739
We've been seeing each other
for over two months...

13
00:00:31,906 --> 00:00:33,658
...and you've never spent the night.

14
00:00:33,824 --> 00:00:37,036
Well, go clean up the dead animals
and I'll come over tonight.

15
00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:39,121
Deal. I'll cook you dinner.

16
00:00:39,288 --> 00:00:40,957
Great.

17
00:00:44,627 --> 00:00:46,504
I think I love you, Charlie Harper.

18
00:00:50,299 --> 00:00:54,637
Thank you.
I'll see you later.

19
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Wait a minute.

20
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Did you just say "thank you"?

21
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- Did I?
- Yes.

22
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I said, "I think I love you"
and you said, "Thank you."

23
00:01:11,445 --> 00:01:14,991
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Thank you?

24
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It's an expression of appreciation.

25
00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:20,663
Thank you.

26
00:01:21,706 --> 00:01:24,250
That's it?
You don't have anything to add?

27
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Thank you...

28
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...so very much.

29
00:01:30,047 --> 00:01:33,467
Great. That's great. I open my heart
to you and you couldn't care less.

30
00:01:33,634 --> 00:01:36,387
Well, that's not fair.
I could care less. A lot less.

31
00:01:38,556 --> 00:01:40,558
What do you want me to do?
Lie to you?

32
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No, I want you to drop dead,
you smug, cold-hearted son of a bitch.

33
00:01:54,196 --> 00:01:55,865
That could have been ugly.

34
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Hey, guess what happened
at school today.

35
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- You made the honor roll.
- What's that?

36
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Forget it.
What happened at school?

37
00:02:13,648 --> 00:02:16,860
- Well, there's this girl...
- Okay, now I'm listening.

38
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- Her name is Robin Newberry.
- Name's not important. Proceed.

39
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She gave me a cupcake.

40
00:02:22,532 --> 00:02:24,785
- Yeah? So?
- I think she likes me.

41
00:02:24,951 --> 00:02:28,538
- So, what's the problem?
- Now I think she thinks I like her back.

42
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- Do you?
- I didn't think I did.

43
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But it was a really good cupcake.

44
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Wow, talk about
your perfect metaphor.

45
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No, it was a cupcake.

46
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Okay, blank slate. Listen up.

47
00:02:45,764 --> 00:02:48,892
I'm gonna tell you something
that will serve you well for life.

48
00:02:49,059 --> 00:02:51,895
Like, "When you're peeing outside,
always face downwind"?

49
00:02:52,312 --> 00:02:55,232
Better. By the way,
what the hell were you thinking?

50
00:02:55,398 --> 00:02:59,111
I was thinking,
"Boy, I hope that's really warm rain."

51
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Okay, okay.
Let's focus on today's lesson.

52
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Never, ever
confuse cupcakes with love.

53
00:03:07,035 --> 00:03:08,620
But I love cupcakes.

54
00:03:09,329 --> 00:03:12,582
We all love cupcakes. That doesn't mean
you have to love the baker.

55
00:03:12,749 --> 00:03:14,709
- Her mom baked it.
- Missing the point.

56
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- Robin just helped with the icing.
- Okay. Okay.

57
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She made a smiley face
with Red Hots.

58
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I get it.

59
00:03:23,844 --> 00:03:27,055
I'm just saying that when someone
freely gives you her cupcake...

60
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...your only obligation is to enjoy it.

61
00:03:29,266 --> 00:03:31,142
No reason to get emotionally involved.

62
00:03:31,309 --> 00:03:33,645
- Why not?
- If you do, you'll be stuck...

63
00:03:33,812 --> 00:03:37,065
...eating the same damn cupcake
for the rest of your life.

64
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But it was a really good cupcake.

65
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I can't stop thinking about it.

66
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Yeah, I've had cupcakes like that.

67
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The thing you gotta remember is
there will always be other cupcakes.

68
00:03:52,998 --> 00:03:56,835
And if the day should come when you
find yourself in a cupcake drought...

69
00:03:57,002 --> 00:03:59,671
And those days come,
don't kid yourself.

70
00:03:59,838 --> 00:04:03,884
...well, then you just shell out
a couple of bucks for a nice Ho Ho.

71
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- Understand?
- I think so. Thanks, Uncle Charlie.

72
00:04:11,266 --> 00:04:12,934
No problem.

73
00:04:13,476 --> 00:04:16,813
- Hey, what are you guys talking about?
- Sex.

74
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Well, how about that?

75
00:04:22,152 --> 00:04:24,613
The booger eater
grasped the symbolism.

76
00:04:26,823 --> 00:04:30,577
- You were talking to my son about sex?
- He came to me with a cupcake problem.

77
00:04:30,744 --> 00:04:32,162
I thought it was about sex.

78
00:04:32,329 --> 00:04:34,289
I was using cupcakes as a metaphor.

79
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Jeez, the kid got it.

80
00:04:37,417 --> 00:04:39,669
Okay, walk me through the metaphor.

81
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- Some little girl gave him a cupcake...
- Okay, stop.

82
00:04:43,340 --> 00:04:45,925
"Gave him a cupcake."
Are we talking baked goods...

83
00:04:46,092 --> 00:04:48,303
...or are we talking
some new hip-hop slang?

84
00:04:48,970 --> 00:04:52,140
Baked goods. I told him it was okay
to enjoy the cupcake...

85
00:04:52,307 --> 00:04:54,351
...without feeling
emotionally obligated.

86
00:04:54,893 --> 00:04:57,937
So you told my son
it's okay to have sex with a girl...

87
00:04:58,104 --> 00:05:00,148
...without having
any feelings towards her?

88
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Lucky for us
he asked me stuff I know about.

89
00:05:04,486 --> 00:05:06,071
There's no "us" here.

90
00:05:06,237 --> 00:05:08,406
There's no "lucky."
That's a terrible lesson.

91
00:05:08,573 --> 00:05:11,868
Hey, I could've done 20 minutes
just on licking the icing.

92
00:05:14,287 --> 00:05:15,872
But I took the high road.

93
00:05:16,039 --> 00:05:18,500
Okay, okay, enough.
Here's the deal.

94
00:05:18,666 --> 00:05:21,711
From now on, all cupcake conversations
will be referred to me.

95
00:05:21,878 --> 00:05:25,382
Why? You don't know the difference
between a Ding Dong and your elbow.

96
00:05:28,885 --> 00:05:34,099
Nevertheless, I do not want him learning
about relationships from a misogynist.

97
00:05:34,641 --> 00:05:37,018
A misogynist?
You're saying I'm a misogynist?

98
00:05:37,185 --> 00:05:38,978
Yes, Charlie. You are a misogynist.

99
00:05:40,105 --> 00:05:44,192
I'm a misogynist?
I'm a misogynist?

100
00:05:44,359 --> 00:05:47,987
That is really low, Alan.
Calling your own brother a misogynist.

101
00:05:48,154 --> 00:05:50,657
G-I-N or G-E-N?

102
00:05:53,159 --> 00:05:55,829
- G-Y-N.
- Thanks.

103
00:05:56,621 --> 00:05:59,749
- I do not hate women.
- Oh, come on, Charlie.

104
00:05:59,916 --> 00:06:02,210
If anything,
I am the opposite of a misogynist.

105
00:06:02,377 --> 00:06:06,422
I'm a pro-sogynist. I love women.

106
00:06:06,589 --> 00:06:10,760
Oh, is that so? Even if there's no
possibility of having sex with them?

107
00:06:14,764 --> 00:06:16,141
What?

108
00:06:16,307 --> 00:06:20,395
Exactly. And it is precisely that attitude
I do not want my son to grow up with.

109
00:06:20,562 --> 00:06:22,772
Okay, okay. Hold it just a second.

110
00:06:22,939 --> 00:06:24,941
So you'd rather
he grow up to be like you?

111
00:06:25,108 --> 00:06:26,901
Scared of women?
Manipulated by women?

112
00:06:27,068 --> 00:06:29,904
- Hey, that's not true.
- Oh, please. Look at your ex-wife.

113
00:06:30,071 --> 00:06:32,866
Say what you want about me,
but I've never chosen women...

114
00:06:33,032 --> 00:06:35,326
- ...who do nothing but mistreat me.
- Hey, stud.

115
00:06:35,493 --> 00:06:39,247
I don't know what kind of sick, twisted
party you had the last couple days...

116
00:06:39,414 --> 00:06:41,624
...but I sure as hell
ain't cleaning it up.

117
00:06:46,713 --> 00:06:49,966
That is different. Way different.

118
00:06:53,219 --> 00:06:56,806
- Hey, Dad, what time is it?
- Twenty after 6. Why?

119
00:06:56,973 --> 00:06:59,851
Because I have to call my girlfriend
at 6:30.

120
00:07:03,730 --> 00:07:06,316
- What girlfriend?
- Robin Newberry.

121
00:07:06,482 --> 00:07:08,109
Cupcake Robin Newberry?

122
00:07:11,195 --> 00:07:13,990
- Charlie, stay out of it.
- How can I stay out of it?

123
00:07:14,157 --> 00:07:17,660
If I saw a bus heading for him,
would I not throw myself in front of it?

124
00:07:17,827 --> 00:07:20,496
- Would you?
- I'm just making a point here.

125
00:07:20,663 --> 00:07:22,832
Charlie, if you don't mind,
I'll handle it.

126
00:07:22,999 --> 00:07:25,209
Jake, I thought we talked about this.

127
00:07:25,376 --> 00:07:28,421
I shouldn't take a cupcake
from a girl if I don't like her.

128
00:07:28,588 --> 00:07:31,549
- That's right.
- So I decided to like her.

129
00:07:32,050 --> 00:07:34,344
We're exclusive.

130
00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:39,766
- Exclusive?
- That means I don't talk to other girls...

131
00:07:39,932 --> 00:07:42,352
...and I get a cupcake every day.

132
00:07:45,438 --> 00:07:48,650
I'd better call now.
If I'm late, she yells at me.

133
00:07:49,859 --> 00:07:53,404
Congratulations, Alan.
Your son is officially pastry whipped.

134
00:08:01,537 --> 00:08:03,456
Marco.

135
00:08:04,332 --> 00:08:06,459
Not now, Rose.

136
00:08:07,752 --> 00:08:09,545
Marco.

137
00:08:10,254 --> 00:08:12,757
Rose, I'm not in the mood.

138
00:08:13,049 --> 00:08:14,842
Marco.

139
00:08:18,221 --> 00:08:20,306
Polo.

140
00:08:23,226 --> 00:08:25,603
- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey.

141
00:08:26,729 --> 00:08:28,064
Something wrong?

142
00:08:28,481 --> 00:08:29,899
I'm not sure.

143
00:08:30,066 --> 00:08:32,443
Rose, do you think I'm a misogynist?

144
00:08:32,610 --> 00:08:35,446
Oh, wow, yeah.

145
00:08:35,613 --> 00:08:38,116
Why? Did somebody say you weren't?

146
00:08:40,410 --> 00:08:42,286
Marco.

147
00:08:42,453 --> 00:08:43,830
How can I be a misogynist?

148
00:08:43,996 --> 00:08:47,166
My whole life is a testament
to my love for women.

149
00:08:47,333 --> 00:08:49,252
It's sweet that you think that...

150
00:08:49,419 --> 00:08:52,630
...but what you call love
is really just an obsession to control...

151
00:08:52,797 --> 00:08:55,842
...and dominate
based on mistrust and hostility.

152
00:08:56,676 --> 00:08:58,761
Yeah, so?

153
00:08:58,928 --> 00:09:01,514
You forget
I spent the night with you once.

154
00:09:01,681 --> 00:09:06,060
You don't make love to a woman,
you overpower her.

155
00:09:06,227 --> 00:09:11,190
You subjugate her. You ravage her.

156
00:09:16,487 --> 00:09:21,534
Anyhow, it's obvious you're still trying
to resolve longstanding Oedipal issues.

157
00:09:23,119 --> 00:09:24,829
Hold on.

158
00:09:27,290 --> 00:09:29,333
O-E-D.

159
00:09:30,001 --> 00:09:32,587
- You sure?
- Yeah, I have a Master's in psychology.

160
00:09:32,753 --> 00:09:34,088
And I know how to spell.

161
00:09:34,255 --> 00:09:37,842
"I have a Master's in psychology
and I know how to spell."

162
00:09:38,134 --> 00:09:40,678
Here it is: Oedipus complex.

163
00:09:41,304 --> 00:09:44,182
Okay, that's what I thought.
It's just sick.

164
00:09:44,348 --> 00:09:48,311
Unconscious, unresolved
sexual feelings towards my mother?

165
00:09:48,477 --> 00:09:50,521
I didn't write the dictionary, Charlie.

166
00:09:50,897 --> 00:09:53,274
But it's not true.
I despise my mother.

167
00:09:53,441 --> 00:09:54,817
Consciously, yes.

168
00:09:54,984 --> 00:09:57,987
And that's why
you conflate sex and aggression.

169
00:09:58,154 --> 00:09:59,864
It's textbook misogyny.

170
00:10:00,031 --> 00:10:04,285
Conflate? Come on.
What is it, fancy word day?

171
00:10:04,452 --> 00:10:06,913
It means to join together.

172
00:10:07,079 --> 00:10:09,290
Thank you.
So, what are you saying?

173
00:10:09,457 --> 00:10:11,626
You will never be able
to have a trusting...

174
00:10:11,792 --> 00:10:14,337
...and truly loving relationship
with any woman...

175
00:10:14,503 --> 00:10:17,006
...until you resolve
your feelings about your mother.

176
00:10:17,173 --> 00:10:19,884
Broads have been
telling me that for years.

177
00:10:20,051 --> 00:10:21,594
It's a lot of hooey.

178
00:10:21,761 --> 00:10:23,846
It's okay, Charlie.

179
00:10:24,013 --> 00:10:27,183
The world is filled with
women who seek out misogynists.

180
00:10:27,350 --> 00:10:29,143
Women who need
men to mistreat them...

181
00:10:29,310 --> 00:10:31,646
...and provide them
with angry, aggressive sex...

182
00:10:31,812 --> 00:10:34,899
...in order to satisfy
their own twisted pathology.

183
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:37,777
I see.

184
00:10:37,944 --> 00:10:40,821
Well, I guess I'll just have to
look for a woman like that.

185
00:10:40,988 --> 00:10:43,199
Marco.

186
00:10:48,829 --> 00:10:53,250
- Thanks for giving me another chance.
- You were so darling, I couldn't resist.

187
00:10:53,417 --> 00:10:56,671
I know I've got some intimacy issues,
but I'm working on them.

188
00:10:57,254 --> 00:10:59,340
And if you could just
be patient with me...

189
00:10:59,507 --> 00:11:04,136
...I think you and I
could truly conflate.

190
00:11:11,477 --> 00:11:12,853
What's "conflate" mean?

191
00:11:22,113 --> 00:11:24,240
Look, you don't have to go.

192
00:11:24,407 --> 00:11:27,868
Relax, Charlie. All men
have performance problems occasionally.

193
00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:32,415
No, no, no. It's not officially
a performance problem until we give up.

194
00:11:33,582 --> 00:11:36,669
Right now,
it's just unusually long foreplay.

195
00:11:36,836 --> 00:11:41,674
Sorry, but I have to get back to work.
Damn, my carpal tunnel's acting up.

196
00:11:43,175 --> 00:11:44,593
How about if I come with you?

197
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:48,389
- We can give it a shot in your car.
- It's okay. I still love you.

198
00:11:48,889 --> 00:11:50,599
Thank you.

199
00:11:53,102 --> 00:11:55,438
I mean, I really appreciate
your understanding...

200
00:11:55,604 --> 00:11:58,691
...and support during this dark time.

201
00:11:59,859 --> 00:12:01,735
I'll call you.

202
00:12:14,999 --> 00:12:17,626
- What?
- Nothing.

203
00:12:18,794 --> 00:12:20,546
Go ahead. Say it.

204
00:12:21,297 --> 00:12:24,091
I have nothing to say.

205
00:12:26,886 --> 00:12:29,805
Except, you know:

206
00:12:33,893 --> 00:12:37,855
Oh, my. Don't tell me
I got a rise out of you.

207
00:12:39,648 --> 00:12:43,110
Alan, I am right on the edge.
Be very careful.

208
00:12:43,611 --> 00:12:45,154
Sorry.

209
00:12:45,654 --> 00:12:48,741
I didn't realize it was so impotent.

210
00:12:55,623 --> 00:12:57,833
- You forget one thing.
- Oh, what's that?

211
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,211
I can still run.

212
00:13:14,350 --> 00:13:15,684
Yes?

213
00:13:15,851 --> 00:13:17,186
Mom, it's me, Charlie.

214
00:13:17,353 --> 00:13:19,563
I'm a little busy right now.
What do you want?

215
00:13:19,730 --> 00:13:22,441
- We need to talk.
- About what?

216
00:13:22,608 --> 00:13:25,444
How I'll never be able to have
a meaningful relationship...

217
00:13:25,611 --> 00:13:28,030
...because of the way
you screwed me up.

218
00:13:30,824 --> 00:13:32,409
Well...

219
00:13:32,576 --> 00:13:34,745
...sorry about that.

220
00:13:35,412 --> 00:13:38,457
- Let me in.
- There's more?

221
00:13:38,624 --> 00:13:40,668
Yes.

222
00:13:41,251 --> 00:13:45,089
Will this having children thing
never end?

223
00:13:45,255 --> 00:13:46,757
Mom.

224
00:13:51,470 --> 00:13:54,723
Look, I'm sorry this is such a
major inconvenience for you, but...

225
00:13:54,890 --> 00:13:56,892
Oh, God.

226
00:13:57,393 --> 00:14:00,479
- What are you doing?
- Downward-Facing Dog.

227
00:14:00,646 --> 00:14:04,608
- What?
- It's yoga, Charlie.

228
00:14:06,443 --> 00:14:08,862
Could your dog possibly face upward
while we talk?

229
00:14:10,531 --> 00:14:11,907
Fine.

230
00:14:12,074 --> 00:14:13,701
Jeez.

231
00:14:13,867 --> 00:14:15,953
What the hell is the mutt doing now?

232
00:14:16,745 --> 00:14:19,456
Charlie, just say
what you came to say.

233
00:14:20,332 --> 00:14:23,460
Okay, well, are you aware
that I'm a misogynist?

234
00:14:23,627 --> 00:14:27,339
Really? I raised you Episcopalian.

235
00:14:28,173 --> 00:14:29,508
This isn't funny.

236
00:14:29,675 --> 00:14:32,720
My anger and mistrust
towards women starts with you.

237
00:14:32,886 --> 00:14:35,305
Wasn't a problem
till it spilled into my sex life.

238
00:14:35,472 --> 00:14:37,182
So you're blaming Mommy...

239
00:14:37,349 --> 00:14:40,060
...because Little Charlie
can't come out and play?

240
00:14:40,227 --> 00:14:43,605
Okay, first of all,
we don't call it "Little Charlie."

241
00:14:44,106 --> 00:14:45,607
What do we call it, darling?

242
00:14:45,774 --> 00:14:47,985
We don't call it anything.

243
00:14:48,152 --> 00:14:52,656
Well, when you were a baby
we called it Mr. Pinky.

244
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,200
I may never have sex again.

245
00:14:55,826 --> 00:14:58,412
Oh, wait a sec.
Mr. Pinky was the cat.

246
00:14:58,579 --> 00:15:01,915
- What did we call your penis?
- Lt doesn't matter.

247
00:15:02,082 --> 00:15:04,168
The point is it isn't working anymore.

248
00:15:04,334 --> 00:15:07,880
And somehow it's all tied up
in some sick, twisted knot with you.

249
00:15:08,046 --> 00:15:09,840
Mr. Pee-pee.

250
00:15:10,007 --> 00:15:14,428
That's it. Well, you can see why
I confused that with Mr. Pinky.

251
00:15:14,928 --> 00:15:17,514
Mom, I learned about relationships
from watching you.

252
00:15:20,726 --> 00:15:23,061
And you know
what toxic little lessons I learned?

253
00:15:23,228 --> 00:15:26,023
- Tell me, sweetheart.
- Men who get emotionally involved...

254
00:15:26,190 --> 00:15:27,524
...get stepped on.

255
00:15:27,691 --> 00:15:30,194
I learned that men who get married
get emasculated.

256
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,696
That the best way
to not get your heart broken...

257
00:15:32,863 --> 00:15:35,115
...is to pretend you don't have one.

258
00:15:35,866 --> 00:15:38,118
- You learned all that from me?
- Yes.

259
00:15:38,285 --> 00:15:42,080
Darling, I've never been more proud
of you than I am at this moment.

260
00:15:42,915 --> 00:15:44,708
- You're joking, right?
- Not at all.

261
00:15:44,875 --> 00:15:48,295
For the first time I look at you
and I see myself.

262
00:15:49,755 --> 00:15:51,173
Oh, that's just insane.

263
00:16:03,060 --> 00:16:05,312
Save room for dessert.
I bought brownies.

264
00:16:05,479 --> 00:16:08,315
No, thanks.
Brownies just remind me of cupcakes.

265
00:16:09,983 --> 00:16:13,445
- His little girlfriend dumped him.
- Really?

266
00:16:13,612 --> 00:16:16,323
She said she needed her space.

267
00:16:17,074 --> 00:16:20,494
- I'm sorry, buddy.
- Want some advice?

268
00:16:21,036 --> 00:16:23,705
Yeah.
What do I do, Uncle Charlie?

269
00:16:27,626 --> 00:16:29,044
I meant from me.

270
00:16:30,420 --> 00:16:32,339
No, thank you.

271
00:16:33,882 --> 00:16:36,551
- Well?
- You might as well listen to your dad...

272
00:16:36,718 --> 00:16:38,262
...because I got nothing.

273
00:16:38,428 --> 00:16:40,430
Less than him?

274
00:16:41,390 --> 00:16:45,227
Fellas, I am the sick puppy
of a downward dog.

275
00:16:47,104 --> 00:16:51,316
Only thing I'm good for is drinking out
of the toilet and sniffing my own ass.

276
00:16:52,401 --> 00:16:54,861
Which, by the way,
I saw our mother do earlier.

277
00:16:58,156 --> 00:17:00,367
Okay, what do you think?

278
00:17:09,001 --> 00:17:11,503
- Marco.
- Oh, jeez.

279
00:17:12,170 --> 00:17:15,340
- Don't do that.
- Sorry.

280
00:17:15,841 --> 00:17:18,135
- Are you okay?
- Oh, sure.

281
00:17:18,301 --> 00:17:21,638
Everything I believed in is wrong.
Everything I thought I was I'm not.

282
00:17:21,805 --> 00:17:24,266
And Mr. Pee-pee's on the fritz.

283
00:17:24,766 --> 00:17:27,185
- Mr. Pee-pee?
- Yeah, it's what my mother used to...

284
00:17:27,352 --> 00:17:30,397
- Don't make me explain this, Rose.
- Okay.

285
00:17:30,564 --> 00:17:33,650
- But he's on the fritz, you say.
- Yes.

286
00:17:33,817 --> 00:17:36,611
Well, I'm not surprised.
The depth of your pathology...

287
00:17:36,778 --> 00:17:39,990
...coupled with your denial
was bound to manifest itself...

288
00:17:40,157 --> 00:17:41,616
...physically sooner or later.

289
00:17:41,783 --> 00:17:44,661
In plain, simple English, Rose.

290
00:17:45,078 --> 00:17:49,416
When your mind gets crazy,
Mr. Pee-pee gets lazy.

291
00:17:51,668 --> 00:17:53,253
I'll put it in another way.

292
00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:57,215
When your psyche gets iffy,
you can't get a stiffy.

293
00:17:57,382 --> 00:18:01,094
Stop it. Stop it.
Just tell me how I can fix it.

294
00:18:01,762 --> 00:18:04,097
Oh, there's no quick fix,
when it comes to limp...

295
00:18:04,264 --> 00:18:06,016
Rose.

296
00:18:06,433 --> 00:18:08,143
- No more rhymes.
- You sure?

297
00:18:08,310 --> 00:18:10,312
I got a beauty with "toner."

298
00:18:12,189 --> 00:18:13,607
Okay.

299
00:18:13,774 --> 00:18:16,234
Well, traditional therapy can help...

300
00:18:16,401 --> 00:18:20,155
...but you'll have to commit to a long,
arduous process of self-exploration...

301
00:18:20,322 --> 00:18:22,073
...over a period of years.

302
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:27,746
Years?
I can't go years without Mr. Pee-pee.

303
00:18:27,913 --> 00:18:31,041
Charlie, isn't your long-term
mental and emotional health...

304
00:18:31,208 --> 00:18:34,044
...more important
than a few fleeting orgasms?

305
00:18:34,586 --> 00:18:37,756
It's not even
more important than one.

306
00:18:39,299 --> 00:18:45,472
Well, in that case, I suppose we
could try a shortcut like hypnotherapy.

307
00:18:46,097 --> 00:18:48,308
- You know how to do that?
- I studied it.

308
00:18:48,475 --> 00:18:51,770
But for it to work,
you'd have to trust me completely.

309
00:18:52,646 --> 00:18:54,731
You know, Rose,
as strange as it may seem...

310
00:18:54,898 --> 00:18:58,818
...out of all the women I know,
you're the only one I trust at all.

311
00:18:59,653 --> 00:19:01,696
Personally, I find that very flattering...

312
00:19:01,863 --> 00:19:05,408
...while professionally,
it's deeply disturbing.

313
00:19:06,993 --> 00:19:08,578
Oh, well.

314
00:19:08,745 --> 00:19:14,834
So just relax, sit back,
close your eyes...

315
00:19:15,001 --> 00:19:18,213
...and listen only
to the sound of my voice.

316
00:19:18,630 --> 00:19:20,674
I wanna get my mother
out of my head, okay?

317
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:23,552
I don't wanna quit drinking,
gambling or any good stuff.

318
00:19:24,177 --> 00:19:26,888
Got it. Okay.

319
00:19:27,055 --> 00:19:28,807
So just relax.

320
00:19:34,729 --> 00:19:38,275
Oh, my.
I see everything's back to normal.

321
00:19:38,441 --> 00:19:40,235
Better than normal.

322
00:19:40,402 --> 00:19:43,405
- Did you take one of those pills?
- I don't need any pills.

323
00:19:43,571 --> 00:19:45,490
It's all me.

324
00:19:54,499 --> 00:19:56,209
And nobody else.

325
00:19:57,961 --> 00:20:01,715
Why don't you relax while I introduce
you to the new, improved Charlie?

326
00:20:15,428 --> 00:20:19,098
- Who were you calling?
- I was just ordering a little chicken.

327
00:20:30,108 --> 00:20:31,485
What smells so good?

328
00:20:32,069 --> 00:20:34,613
Your kid's in the kitchen baking.

329
00:20:34,780 --> 00:20:37,950
- You're kidding.
- Hey, Dad. Want a cupcake?

330
00:20:39,743 --> 00:20:41,620
Sure.

331
00:20:42,037 --> 00:20:43,664
Uncle Charlie?

332
00:20:43,830 --> 00:20:45,415
Thank you.

333
00:20:45,582 --> 00:20:48,919
Have as many as you want.
I've got another batch in the oven.

334
00:20:49,795 --> 00:20:52,589
That's very tasty.
What prompted this?

335
00:20:52,756 --> 00:20:57,386
I figured out I don't need a girlfriend.
If I want a cupcake, I make it myself.

336
00:20:57,552 --> 00:21:00,722
Taking matters into his own hands.

337
00:21:01,515 --> 00:21:04,685
The metaphor is now complete.

338
00:21:04,851 --> 00:21:06,603
Anybody wanna lick the beater?

339
00:21:10,899 --> 00:21:12,526
- No.
- No.

340
00:21:22,119 --> 00:21:24,037
What?

341
00:21:50,772 --> 00:21:52,858
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342
00:21:53,025 --> 00:21:55,110
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