1 00:00:04,019 --> 00:00:07,693 - You got a date tonight? - No. 2 00:00:09,956 --> 00:00:12,333 Aren't you gonna ask me if I do? 3 00:00:13,426 --> 00:00:15,839 Okay. You got a date tonight? 4 00:00:16,018 --> 00:00:18,348 Sure, rub my nose in it. 5 00:00:20,742 --> 00:00:23,073 Besides, I'd rather hang out with you and Jake... 6 00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:26,425 ...than engage in mindless conversation with some strange woman... 7 00:00:26,595 --> 00:00:29,306 ...in the desperate hope that she might sleep with me. 8 00:00:31,654 --> 00:00:33,401 Me too. 9 00:00:34,037 --> 00:00:36,961 If we can't lie to each other, who can we lie to? 10 00:00:37,130 --> 00:00:39,377 To family. 11 00:00:45,241 --> 00:00:46,869 - Who is it? - It's Mom. 12 00:00:47,039 --> 00:00:48,584 Oh, odds. 13 00:00:48,753 --> 00:00:51,595 - Once, twice, three, shoot. - Once, twice, three, shoot. 14 00:00:52,975 --> 00:00:54,639 Hey, Mom. 15 00:00:54,815 --> 00:00:56,562 No, I don't have a date tonight. 16 00:00:56,738 --> 00:00:58,819 Don't you wanna know about Alan? 17 00:01:02,298 --> 00:01:03,927 So, what's up? 18 00:01:04,096 --> 00:01:05,892 Yes, I got your message. 19 00:01:06,061 --> 00:01:07,725 I was gonna call you back, but... 20 00:01:08,528 --> 00:01:10,441 I was. 21 00:01:10,618 --> 00:01:12,246 I was. 22 00:01:12,416 --> 00:01:14,329 I was. 23 00:01:14,924 --> 00:01:16,470 Okay, I wasn't. 24 00:01:18,394 --> 00:01:19,940 I'm sorry. 25 00:01:20,108 --> 00:01:22,605 And do you wanna tell me why you called? 26 00:01:22,784 --> 00:01:24,995 I said, I'm sorry. 27 00:01:25,167 --> 00:01:29,638 I am sorry. I am. I am. 28 00:01:29,807 --> 00:01:32,269 All right, I'm not. 29 00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:35,444 So, what's up? Tomorrow? 30 00:01:35,619 --> 00:01:38,746 Yeah, sure. One of us will be here. 31 00:01:42,851 --> 00:01:44,683 I'll be here. 32 00:01:45,611 --> 00:01:48,108 All right, gotta go. Love you. 33 00:01:48,286 --> 00:01:50,700 No, I'm not just saying that. 34 00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:52,424 I'm not. 35 00:01:52,592 --> 00:01:54,090 No, I'm not. 36 00:01:54,892 --> 00:01:57,650 Mom, we both know where this going. 37 00:01:59,574 --> 00:02:01,655 - Sorry to stick you with her. - Yeah, sure. 38 00:02:01,832 --> 00:02:03,163 - I am. - Right. 39 00:02:03,337 --> 00:02:04,715 - I am. - Whatever. 40 00:02:04,926 --> 00:02:07,387 Okay, I'm not. 41 00:02:07,601 --> 00:02:09,063 Schmuck. 42 00:02:09,232 --> 00:02:14,451 For 30 years, every time I call odds, he throws a two, and I'm the schmuck. 43 00:02:15,085 --> 00:02:16,250 - Hey, buddy. - Hey, Dad. 44 00:02:16,464 --> 00:02:19,556 - Here's the bill for Jake's class trip. - Why give it to me? 45 00:02:19,767 --> 00:02:21,729 - So you can pay it. - Me? 46 00:02:21,899 --> 00:02:23,897 What's the point of giving child support... 47 00:02:24,073 --> 00:02:25,737 ...if you don't support the child? 48 00:02:25,955 --> 00:02:27,833 Child support doesn't cover class trips. 49 00:02:28,045 --> 00:02:30,126 - Says who? - You wanna make an issue of this? 50 00:02:30,303 --> 00:02:33,727 Have your lawyer call mine. They can decide who pays for class trips. 51 00:02:33,940 --> 00:02:36,651 Oh, I'm sorry. Class trips? 52 00:02:36,825 --> 00:02:39,666 I'm happy to pay for class trips. 53 00:02:39,835 --> 00:02:43,711 I thought you said "ass clips." 54 00:02:43,932 --> 00:02:45,429 What are ass clips? 55 00:02:45,646 --> 00:02:48,190 I don't know, but I don't intend to pay for them. 56 00:02:48,405 --> 00:02:50,367 Goodbye, Alan. 57 00:02:51,875 --> 00:02:55,633 At least we settled who pays for ass clips around here. 58 00:02:55,847 --> 00:02:57,642 Okay, Mom. Good talking to you. 59 00:02:57,812 --> 00:02:59,274 I'm gonna hang up now. 60 00:02:59,442 --> 00:03:01,404 Yes, I am. 61 00:03:02,118 --> 00:03:04,080 I am. 62 00:03:04,710 --> 00:03:07,207 Okay, I'm not. 63 00:03:15,998 --> 00:03:18,709 - Jake's here. - Cool. 64 00:03:18,883 --> 00:03:21,380 It wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while. 65 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:24,144 We don't know that. 66 00:03:24,318 --> 00:03:28,027 - Besides, you lost fair and square. - I don't think so. 67 00:03:28,206 --> 00:03:32,545 - I think you cheated. - At odds and evens? 68 00:03:32,721 --> 00:03:35,682 How on earth does one cheat at odds and evens? 69 00:03:35,898 --> 00:03:40,785 Don't give me that big, cow-eyed, aw-shucks, Howdy Doody veneer. 70 00:03:41,584 --> 00:03:44,628 - What? - You heard me. 71 00:03:44,845 --> 00:03:46,473 Yeah, I heard you... 72 00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:49,401 ...and as long as we're stringing random words together... 73 00:03:49,569 --> 00:03:51,198 ...shoebox, MoonPie, Band-Aid. 74 00:03:51,994 --> 00:03:55,751 Let me tell you something, Alan, and I say this with no agenda. 75 00:03:55,924 --> 00:04:00,181 I am not a judgmental person, but you, you are a horrible little man. 76 00:04:01,986 --> 00:04:04,317 You smile, tell everybody what they wanna hear... 77 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,372 ...but I know what goes on inside your grinning puppet head. 78 00:04:08,090 --> 00:04:11,051 You don't have a clue what's going on inside my puppet head... 79 00:04:11,225 --> 00:04:14,067 ...because to know that, you would have to be capable of... 80 00:04:14,235 --> 00:04:18,243 ...perceiving the world that exists beyond the tip of your penis. 81 00:04:18,458 --> 00:04:21,751 Don't talk about my penis. You have not earned the right. 82 00:04:22,848 --> 00:04:25,059 You are a selfish man, Charlie. You're a user. 83 00:04:25,231 --> 00:04:28,572 You just suckle from the teat of life and you never give back. 84 00:04:28,784 --> 00:04:31,328 "Suckle from the teat of life"? 85 00:04:31,502 --> 00:04:34,046 Who are you, Henry Wadsworth Pinhead? 86 00:04:34,261 --> 00:04:36,937 - You call me that because I'm right. - I call you that... 87 00:04:37,104 --> 00:04:39,066 ...because you can wear a thimble as a hat. 88 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,741 Hey, what's going on? 89 00:04:42,121 --> 00:04:45,045 - Nothing. - Just hanging out. 90 00:04:45,215 --> 00:04:46,712 Cool. 91 00:05:08,668 --> 00:05:10,547 You know, if you guys were queer... 92 00:05:10,717 --> 00:05:13,844 ...we'd be what they'd call an alternated family. 93 00:05:25,935 --> 00:05:29,109 - Morning. - Morning. 94 00:05:30,784 --> 00:05:32,366 I feel bad about last night. 95 00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:35,966 That's okay. I forgive you. 96 00:05:36,638 --> 00:05:38,219 I didn't apologize. 97 00:05:38,393 --> 00:05:41,687 Well, then I guess I'm just a bigger man than you are. 98 00:05:42,491 --> 00:05:43,953 I'm kidding. Forget about it. 99 00:05:45,124 --> 00:05:46,920 Okay. 100 00:05:47,089 --> 00:05:50,431 - What do you wanna do with Jake? - I don't know. How about a barbecue? 101 00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:55,239 Well, I'm sure the kid's delicious, but I think I'd rather have hamburgers. 102 00:05:55,994 --> 00:05:57,992 Dad, check it out. Mom bought me new shoes. 103 00:05:58,168 --> 00:06:01,212 - Very cool. - Yeah, they were really expensive. 104 00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:04,473 - I'll bet. - She said to give you the bill. 105 00:06:05,986 --> 00:06:07,650 What? Why do I get the bill? 106 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,948 So you can give me a check to pay her back. 107 00:06:10,376 --> 00:06:12,955 - Why? - She doesn't trust me with cash. 108 00:06:15,309 --> 00:06:17,937 No. Why should I be buying your shoes? 109 00:06:18,152 --> 00:06:20,446 You didn't. Mom did. 110 00:06:24,632 --> 00:06:27,759 This is so wrong. I send her a child support check every month... 111 00:06:27,935 --> 00:06:31,859 ...which is supposed to include things like clothing, food, shoes. 112 00:06:32,032 --> 00:06:36,539 Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse. 113 00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:40,429 Excuse me? 114 00:06:40,644 --> 00:06:44,568 You're constantly surprised that you've been screwed... 115 00:06:48,421 --> 00:06:50,382 ...and you don't wanna pay for it. 116 00:06:57,242 --> 00:06:59,323 - Morning. - Morning. 117 00:06:59,499 --> 00:07:02,043 Did you drop off the dry cleaning by the back door? 118 00:07:02,259 --> 00:07:03,590 That was dry cleaning? 119 00:07:03,764 --> 00:07:06,522 I thought you were throwing that stuff out. 120 00:07:06,732 --> 00:07:07,898 You threw out my clothes? 121 00:07:08,321 --> 00:07:10,996 I gave them to my sister's husband, Earl. 122 00:07:11,582 --> 00:07:15,672 You gave three cashmere sweaters and a new sport coat to your brother-in-law? 123 00:07:15,888 --> 00:07:18,812 Why shouldn't he have nice things? 124 00:07:20,236 --> 00:07:22,815 He's paid his debt to society. 125 00:07:23,037 --> 00:07:24,369 You have to get them back. 126 00:07:24,584 --> 00:07:26,962 I wish I could, but Earl's got one withered arm... 127 00:07:27,134 --> 00:07:29,215 ...and he had all the left sleeves hemmed. 128 00:07:29,852 --> 00:07:31,765 Those were expensive clothes, Berta. 129 00:07:31,984 --> 00:07:33,815 Wanna take it out in trade, stud? 130 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:39,046 Because this back brace snaps off with the flick of a wrist. 131 00:07:41,976 --> 00:07:43,973 Okay, okay, that's the last straw. 132 00:07:44,150 --> 00:07:47,943 You have abused my good nature for too long, and I am putting my foot down. 133 00:07:48,707 --> 00:07:51,750 Well, you let me know how that works out for you. 134 00:07:55,981 --> 00:07:58,062 I guess we know who's in charge around here. 135 00:07:58,615 --> 00:08:00,827 If I want your opinion, I'll ask your ex-wife. 136 00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:06,767 Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Well, if I want your opinion... 137 00:08:06,935 --> 00:08:10,989 ...I'll ask one of the dozens of women you have meaningless casual sex with. 138 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:13,243 Oh, ouch. 139 00:08:14,585 --> 00:08:16,879 - Hey, Uncle Charlie? - What? 140 00:08:17,470 --> 00:08:19,801 - I love you. - What did you do, Jake? 141 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:21,812 I love you too, Dad. 142 00:08:22,027 --> 00:08:24,239 - What did he do? - How am I supposed to know? 143 00:08:24,452 --> 00:08:26,164 Well, he's your knuckleheaded son. 144 00:08:26,333 --> 00:08:29,544 He's my knuckleheaded son now, but when you're trawling for tail... 145 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:32,431 ...at The Home Depot, he's your slow but adorable nephew. 146 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:35,690 I might as well get one perk out of having you sponge off me. 147 00:08:35,865 --> 00:08:38,541 - Sponge? Sponge? - Oh, that's a good idea. 148 00:08:38,750 --> 00:08:40,296 Well, let me tell you something. 149 00:08:40,464 --> 00:08:42,592 Take away your fancy house, your fancy car... 150 00:08:42,763 --> 00:08:44,475 ...your women, and what have you got? 151 00:08:44,687 --> 00:08:46,482 A better-Iooking version of you. 152 00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:48,738 Have I mentioned how much I hate you? 153 00:08:48,909 --> 00:08:50,823 Have I mentioned how much I hate you? 154 00:08:51,041 --> 00:08:52,753 - Don't copy me. - Don't copy me. 155 00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:54,586 - You're an idiot. - You're an idiot. 156 00:08:54,762 --> 00:08:57,889 - I'm warning you, Charlie. - I'm warning you, Charlie. 157 00:09:00,030 --> 00:09:02,491 How childish. 158 00:09:08,349 --> 00:09:10,561 Would you mind toasting my buns, please? 159 00:09:11,736 --> 00:09:13,234 To your buns. 160 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,458 You sicken me. 161 00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:20,974 Hey. 162 00:09:21,142 --> 00:09:22,938 - Hey, Rose. - What's going on? 163 00:09:23,149 --> 00:09:25,063 Just making lunch. 164 00:09:28,459 --> 00:09:31,883 - Wanna join us? - Maybe some other time. 165 00:09:36,235 --> 00:09:39,992 A little garlic butter is also a good way to jazz up a hamburger bun. 166 00:09:40,207 --> 00:09:42,120 He's lucky all I'm doing is spitting. 167 00:09:43,217 --> 00:09:47,724 It doesn't take a master's in behavioral psychology, which I happen to have... 168 00:09:47,899 --> 00:09:51,442 ...to see that you and you brother have unresolved fraternal conflicts. 169 00:09:51,662 --> 00:09:53,290 Gee, you think? 170 00:09:54,421 --> 00:09:56,585 I think it might be therapeutic for you two... 171 00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:59,473 ...to sit down with someone and explore those conflicts. 172 00:09:59,689 --> 00:10:01,983 - You mean you? - Well, I could refer you... 173 00:10:02,155 --> 00:10:05,948 ...to the woman I talk to, but she doesn't exist. 174 00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:07,875 So, yeah. Me. 175 00:10:08,092 --> 00:10:11,683 Let's see. Couples counseling for me and Alan with you as the therapist. 176 00:10:11,896 --> 00:10:14,440 Why don't we just drop acid, run out into the ocean... 177 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,528 ...and pretend we're dolphins? 178 00:10:17,373 --> 00:10:19,751 You're exhibiting a lot of hostility, Charlie. 179 00:10:19,923 --> 00:10:22,004 You know what we psychologists call that? 180 00:10:22,181 --> 00:10:23,893 - What? - Hostility. 181 00:10:24,062 --> 00:10:26,940 Why would we need more than one word for it? 182 00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:32,668 Rose, I appreciate your concern, but Alan and I don't need therapy. 183 00:10:32,884 --> 00:10:35,463 Everything will work itself out. 184 00:10:47,224 --> 00:10:49,982 I'm just saying, I think it would really help you guys... 185 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:53,324 ...if you could sit down and share your feelings. 186 00:10:58,261 --> 00:10:59,592 We're fine, Rose. 187 00:11:01,856 --> 00:11:04,614 - Choke on it, princess. - Bite me, bitch. 188 00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:16,486 I think he may have anticipated that. 189 00:11:49,433 --> 00:11:51,811 - How Freudian. - It's not Freudian. 190 00:11:54,491 --> 00:11:56,489 But mine's bigger. 191 00:11:57,418 --> 00:12:00,842 It's a banana, you moron. 192 00:12:01,306 --> 00:12:04,148 It's not just about you and Charlie, you know. 193 00:12:04,316 --> 00:12:06,694 There's that innocent little moppet to consider. 194 00:12:06,908 --> 00:12:08,287 Moppet? 195 00:12:12,719 --> 00:12:16,179 I'm baking air biscuits. Get them while they're hot. 196 00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:18,899 He may not be able to process it now... 197 00:12:19,074 --> 00:12:21,916 ...but he picks up on all the negative emotion around here. 198 00:12:22,335 --> 00:12:25,260 Save yourselves, run for your lives! 199 00:12:26,934 --> 00:12:29,610 Okay, well, if you can get Charlie to agree, I'll do it. 200 00:12:29,986 --> 00:12:31,781 - Good. - And as a rule... 201 00:12:31,993 --> 00:12:34,454 ...when says they're bad, take his word for it. 202 00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:38,887 Oh, please, Alan. I grew up with two older brothers and... 203 00:12:39,058 --> 00:12:41,436 Oh, my God! 204 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:47,831 The only reason I let him live here is because of Jake. 205 00:12:48,005 --> 00:12:49,336 Go on. 206 00:12:49,510 --> 00:12:51,841 He was a pain in the ass when we were kids... 207 00:12:52,018 --> 00:12:55,692 ...and now he's blossomed into a three-fingered prostate exam. 208 00:12:56,533 --> 00:13:00,077 Have you considered the possibility that since you're the older brother... 209 00:13:00,254 --> 00:13:02,168 ...you harbor resentment towards him... 210 00:13:02,345 --> 00:13:04,389 ...for usurping Mommy's love and attention? 211 00:13:04,602 --> 00:13:06,314 I'm sorry, have you met my mother? 212 00:13:06,985 --> 00:13:09,066 Okay, so that's a no. 213 00:13:09,828 --> 00:13:11,825 Please don't try to psychoanalyze me. 214 00:13:12,044 --> 00:13:15,385 Oh, Charlie. Psychoanalysis takes years. 215 00:13:15,556 --> 00:13:17,850 I'm just messing around inside your head. 216 00:13:19,778 --> 00:13:22,072 Have you ever considered the possibility... 217 00:13:22,245 --> 00:13:25,206 ...that you are the primary male role model in Alan's life? 218 00:13:25,422 --> 00:13:28,549 And if his behavior is making you mad, he learned it from you. 219 00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:32,434 So, in fact, you are making you mad. 220 00:13:33,198 --> 00:13:34,696 That's nuts. 221 00:13:34,912 --> 00:13:38,539 Just sit with it for a moment. I think it's a pretty good insight. 222 00:13:40,515 --> 00:13:43,012 No, I'm gonna stick with nuts. 223 00:13:43,567 --> 00:13:45,314 And I don't wanna continue this. 224 00:13:45,532 --> 00:13:48,111 Do you feel you can't be totally honest with me... 225 00:13:48,333 --> 00:13:50,045 ...since we slept together? - No. 226 00:13:50,256 --> 00:13:52,003 Why can't you be totally honest? 227 00:13:52,221 --> 00:13:54,932 - I can be totally honest with you. - Really? 228 00:13:55,105 --> 00:13:57,067 How much did you like having sex with me? 229 00:13:58,074 --> 00:14:00,118 Let's go talk to Alan. 230 00:14:02,589 --> 00:14:05,383 And they wouldn't give me a license. 231 00:14:07,857 --> 00:14:11,067 All right. Let the healing begin, you pinhead. 232 00:14:11,285 --> 00:14:13,864 Can we refrain from counterproductive name-calling? 233 00:14:14,629 --> 00:14:17,173 Such big words from such a little head. 234 00:14:18,392 --> 00:14:20,056 Charlie, please sit down. 235 00:14:22,573 --> 00:14:24,867 Okay. Here are the ground rules. 236 00:14:25,039 --> 00:14:27,917 There will be no name-calling and no interrupting. 237 00:14:28,091 --> 00:14:31,849 The purpose of this is to air our feelings without judgment. 238 00:14:32,021 --> 00:14:34,233 - Alan, why don't you start? - Why does he start? 239 00:14:34,446 --> 00:14:35,825 - Would you like to start? - No. 240 00:14:35,993 --> 00:14:37,740 Then shut up. 241 00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:40,839 Alan, you'll go first. 242 00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:45,183 And begin with the phrase, "I feel Charlie is 'blank.'" 243 00:14:45,943 --> 00:14:48,237 I don't think I can top that. 244 00:14:52,632 --> 00:14:57,721 Okay, I feel like Charlie is... 245 00:14:58,276 --> 00:14:59,988 ...ashamed to have me as a brother. 246 00:15:00,785 --> 00:15:02,948 Well, there you go. Are we done? 247 00:15:03,544 --> 00:15:05,672 Charlie, you'll get your turn. 248 00:15:05,843 --> 00:15:08,137 When was the first time you felt that way, Alan? 249 00:15:09,062 --> 00:15:10,858 I guess on the playground. 250 00:15:11,027 --> 00:15:13,524 The first day of kindergarten, he told his friends... 251 00:15:13,703 --> 00:15:16,461 ...that I was a shaved monkey our mom won in a poker game. 252 00:15:19,723 --> 00:15:23,600 Charlie, why do you think you might have said something like that? 253 00:15:24,991 --> 00:15:29,045 Well, I guess deep down... 254 00:15:29,214 --> 00:15:32,341 ...I always wanted a shaved monkey. 255 00:15:33,394 --> 00:15:35,308 You promised Mom you would look after me. 256 00:15:35,652 --> 00:15:38,363 I was 7 years old. You can't trust a 7-year-old. 257 00:15:38,578 --> 00:15:41,836 You know how he looks after me? He gave me wedgies. 258 00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:44,135 From kindergarten on, I got daily wedgies. 259 00:15:44,306 --> 00:15:48,015 My butt cheeks didn't unclench until my second year of college. 260 00:15:48,654 --> 00:15:51,115 At which point, a long stick slid out. 261 00:15:54,591 --> 00:15:56,136 Let's try a little role-playing. 262 00:15:56,346 --> 00:16:00,187 He put dog poop in my Mork and Mindy lunchbox. 263 00:16:00,862 --> 00:16:03,323 Oh, will you please let that go? 264 00:16:03,955 --> 00:16:06,000 And by the way, if you think it through... 265 00:16:06,171 --> 00:16:08,252 ...we didn't have a dog. - What? 266 00:16:08,429 --> 00:16:10,723 Mom told me to make you lunch, I made you lunch. 267 00:16:11,522 --> 00:16:13,068 Oh, my God! Do you see... 268 00:16:13,237 --> 00:16:15,912 ...what I have been dealing with my entire life? 269 00:16:16,079 --> 00:16:19,920 The real genius was putting it in a hot-dog bun. 270 00:16:20,511 --> 00:16:22,342 All through the second grade... 271 00:16:22,518 --> 00:16:25,229 ...he would introduce me as his ugly sister, Alana? 272 00:16:26,197 --> 00:16:30,156 That's because all through second grade, you wore culottes. 273 00:16:30,754 --> 00:16:33,715 They were extra roomy Bermuda shorts. I was prone to chafing. 274 00:16:36,481 --> 00:16:41,119 Charlie, how did you feel when you were calling Alan a monkey or a girl... 275 00:16:41,331 --> 00:16:43,459 ...or putting excrement in his lunchbox? 276 00:16:44,467 --> 00:16:46,595 It's hard to describe. 277 00:16:46,766 --> 00:16:49,940 It was kind of a warm, satisfied feeling. 278 00:16:50,779 --> 00:16:52,658 And why do you think you felt that way? 279 00:16:53,622 --> 00:16:55,120 Because he was such a smartass. 280 00:16:55,295 --> 00:16:59,136 Straight A's, Mommy's favorite, Daddy's boy, stepdaddy's boy. 281 00:16:59,308 --> 00:17:01,186 Somebody had to take him down a peg. 282 00:17:01,733 --> 00:17:04,444 - You were jealous of me. - No, no. 283 00:17:04,618 --> 00:17:06,330 - I was annoyed. - I don't believe it. 284 00:17:06,499 --> 00:17:08,543 - You were jealous. - No, I wasn't. 285 00:17:08,757 --> 00:17:11,301 - Sounds like you were, Charlie. - You can't take sides. 286 00:17:11,474 --> 00:17:13,270 - That's unprofessional. - Professional? 287 00:17:13,439 --> 00:17:15,603 I'm just making this up as I go along. 288 00:17:16,867 --> 00:17:18,413 I'm drawing kitty-cats here. 289 00:17:21,090 --> 00:17:23,253 All these years, you had to put me down... 290 00:17:23,431 --> 00:17:26,273 ...because you secretly believed that I was better than you. 291 00:17:26,483 --> 00:17:28,278 No, that's ridiculous. 292 00:17:28,490 --> 00:17:31,117 I knew I was better, but I didn't think you knew. 293 00:17:31,332 --> 00:17:34,460 No, no, I didn't know that. There was nothing to know. 294 00:17:34,677 --> 00:17:37,601 I don't buy it. You were an emotionally wounded child. 295 00:17:37,813 --> 00:17:40,226 I wasn't wounded. I was the wounder. 296 00:17:40,405 --> 00:17:42,318 He was the woundee. 297 00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:45,289 I was a mean, rotten brother. You've gotta believe me. 298 00:17:45,463 --> 00:17:47,009 I tortured him. 299 00:17:47,219 --> 00:17:50,061 Once, I convinced him the clothes dryer was a time machine. 300 00:17:50,229 --> 00:17:52,726 When he got out, I was dressed in Pilgrim clothes... 301 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,699 ...and threatened to burn him as a witch. 302 00:17:57,295 --> 00:18:01,136 And now I understand why you did all those things. 303 00:18:01,308 --> 00:18:04,186 - And I forgive you. - Don't forgive me. 304 00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:07,071 Hate me. Fear me. 305 00:18:07,747 --> 00:18:09,411 - Come here. - No. 306 00:18:09,628 --> 00:18:12,256 - Come on. Give me a hug. - No, forget it. 307 00:18:12,429 --> 00:18:15,271 - Would you rather hug me? - What would be the point of that? 308 00:18:15,732 --> 00:18:17,943 It gets me hot. 309 00:18:18,742 --> 00:18:21,286 All right, if it'll put an end to all this, one hug. 310 00:18:26,393 --> 00:18:27,724 Hey, what are you doing? 311 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:32,493 Let's see how you like a wedgie. Where's your underwear? 312 00:18:32,706 --> 00:18:35,999 I'm not wearing any, but thanks for scratching my ass. 313 00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:47,412 - This turned out to be a nice weekend. - Yeah. Go figure. 314 00:18:47,589 --> 00:18:49,752 Who would've thought Rose would be right? 315 00:18:49,972 --> 00:18:51,719 Certainly not Rose. 316 00:18:51,937 --> 00:18:54,350 She was right. We had a lot of baggage to clear up. 317 00:18:54,571 --> 00:18:57,495 - Yeah, and I'm glad we talked it out. - Me too. 318 00:18:57,664 --> 00:19:01,838 You know, when all is said and done, all we have in this world is each other. 319 00:19:02,723 --> 00:19:06,100 You, me and that methane cloud you call a son. 320 00:19:11,837 --> 00:19:13,633 - It's Mom. - Odds. 321 00:19:13,802 --> 00:19:16,133 That's okay. I got this one. 322 00:19:16,311 --> 00:19:18,890 - Thank you. - Hey, Mom. 323 00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:21,317 Oh, that's Judith. 324 00:19:21,495 --> 00:19:25,549 No, I'm just sitting here, enjoying the sunset with my favorite brother. 325 00:19:25,717 --> 00:19:27,465 Alan. 326 00:19:28,853 --> 00:19:32,907 I'm not lying. I'm not. I'm not. 327 00:19:33,075 --> 00:19:34,537 Okay, I am. 328 00:19:34,748 --> 00:19:37,709 Jake, your mom's here. 329 00:19:37,925 --> 00:19:41,349 - Hey, Judith, how's it going? - I just had a flat tire on the freeway... 330 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:44,528 ...and called AAA, only to find out I no longer have AAA... 331 00:19:44,698 --> 00:19:48,039 ...because you no longer pay my dues. - Excuse me, but we're divorced. 332 00:19:48,209 --> 00:19:50,337 - You pay that out of your alimony. - No. 333 00:19:50,509 --> 00:19:53,433 Because you didn't, I had to stand on the side of the road... 334 00:19:53,603 --> 00:19:56,564 ...until a creepy man stopped and offered to change my tire... 335 00:19:56,738 --> 00:19:58,200 ...if I'd show him my breasts. 336 00:19:58,410 --> 00:20:01,704 Well, there you go. I paid for your breasts. 337 00:20:01,922 --> 00:20:04,419 Okay, fine. We'll let our attorneys figure out... 338 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,970 ...who pays for roadside service. - No attorneys. 339 00:20:07,148 --> 00:20:08,860 - I'm happy to pay for it. - Thank you. 340 00:20:09,029 --> 00:20:13,037 - Was that so hard? - No. No, not hard at all. 341 00:20:13,252 --> 00:20:15,665 - Bye, Dad. - Bye, buddy. 342 00:20:18,896 --> 00:20:20,477 In fact, it was easy. 343 00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:24,493 All I had to do was bend over and unclench. 344 00:20:25,836 --> 00:20:27,215 Okay, I said it. 345 00:20:27,383 --> 00:20:29,796 Mom, you just said I said it. 346 00:20:48,161 --> 00:20:51,335 - Have fun at school. - All right. 347 00:20:51,506 --> 00:20:53,587 Charlie, wait up. 348 00:20:53,763 --> 00:20:56,094 - Did you make Alan's lunch? - Yep. 349 00:20:56,272 --> 00:20:58,353 Hey, wait. You forgot to kiss me goodbye. 350 00:20:58,529 --> 00:21:00,491 - No, I didn't. - Yes, you did. 351 00:21:00,661 --> 00:21:02,742 - I didn't. - Yes, you did. 352 00:21:02,919 --> 00:21:07,176 - Okay, I did. - Charlie, wait up.