1
00:00:02,884 --> 00:00:06,408
<i>Some side effects include headaches,</i>
<i>blurred vision, and high blood pressure.</i>

2
00:00:06,573 --> 00:00:08,968
<i>Ask your doctor if it's right for you.</i>

3
00:00:09,140 --> 00:00:10,862
- Dad?
- Yeah?

4
00:00:11,024 --> 00:00:14,149
Do you suffer
from erectile dysfunction?

5
00:00:16,719 --> 00:00:18,554
Well, Alan? Do you?

6
00:00:20,328 --> 00:00:24,810
Jake, wh... What do you know
about erectile dysfunction?

7
00:00:25,019 --> 00:00:27,175
It's something to do
with your penis, right?

8
00:00:27,385 --> 00:00:29,666
- Right.
- And they say one out of three guys...

9
00:00:29,832 --> 00:00:33,276
...gets it, and mine's fine,
so it's gotta be one of you.

10
00:00:35,726 --> 00:00:37,927
- I'm fine.
- Not me, l...

11
00:00:38,373 --> 00:00:40,369
So, what are the pills for?

12
00:00:40,538 --> 00:00:44,223
Well, what they do, Jake, is that
they... They dilate the blood vessels...

13
00:00:44,388 --> 00:00:48,072
...which allows more blood
to easily flow to certain...

14
00:00:48,278 --> 00:00:49,954
They're boner pills, Jake.

15
00:00:52,448 --> 00:00:54,604
To get them,
or to make them go away?

16
00:00:54,774 --> 00:00:56,416
To get them. Go get ready for bed.

17
00:00:56,619 --> 00:00:59,298
What's the point?
They're not good for anything.

18
00:01:02,393 --> 00:01:03,955
You ever try any of those drugs?

19
00:01:04,158 --> 00:01:07,077
Once or twice.
Out of curiosity, not necessity.

20
00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:09,928
- What did you think?
- Not my thing.

21
00:01:10,092 --> 00:01:14,176
It's like corking the bat.
You?

22
00:01:14,343 --> 00:01:18,951
Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted.
More sex with me that lasted longer.

23
00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:27,205
Hello. Oh, hey, Eric. Hiya.
What's happening, boyfriend?

24
00:01:27,416 --> 00:01:30,814
Oh, you're terrible. Do you kiss
your mother with that mouth?

25
00:01:30,985 --> 00:01:34,874
So, what's up? Saturday?
Let me check my book.

26
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,126
Saturday is marvelous.

27
00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:45,136
How dressy? Eveningwear,
or California casual?

28
00:01:45,421 --> 00:01:48,819
Oh, goody. An excuse to shop.
Like I need one.

29
00:01:48,990 --> 00:01:52,070
Okey-dokey, artichokey. Ciao for now.

30
00:01:56,890 --> 00:01:58,886
- What?
- Something you wanna tell me?

31
00:01:59,256 --> 00:02:02,415
That? Oh, that's Eric.
He's the head of a big ad agency.

32
00:02:02,584 --> 00:02:05,709
- Throws a lot of jingle work my way.
- He wouldn't be gay, would he?

33
00:02:05,912 --> 00:02:08,479
What difference does it make?
A person's sexuality...

34
00:02:08,639 --> 00:02:11,844
...is a personal thing. It has no
relevance in the business world.

35
00:02:12,008 --> 00:02:14,893
- But he is gay.
- Oh, yeah.

36
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:18,301
You know, it's okay
to call them queer again.

37
00:02:18,945 --> 00:02:20,941
Good to know. Good to know.

38
00:02:21,110 --> 00:02:25,079
Would it fair to assume that
you've led him to believe that...

39
00:02:25,241 --> 00:02:27,202
...you are of a similar persuasion?

40
00:02:27,406 --> 00:02:31,695
Not deliberately.
I kind of sort of backed into it.

41
00:02:31,897 --> 00:02:35,421
- Excuse me?
- Okay. Poor choice of words.

42
00:02:36,349 --> 00:02:40,671
When we first met, I found myself falling
into his... What do you call it?

43
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,202
Futon?

44
00:02:42,364 --> 00:02:44,884
No, no, his manner
of expressing himself.

45
00:02:45,050 --> 00:02:47,331
Tone, gestures.
Like talking to a Southerner...

46
00:02:47,496 --> 00:02:51,705
...you start saying "y'all" and
"grits" and "tobaccy."

47
00:02:51,867 --> 00:02:53,669
- Oh, Charlie.
- It's harmless.

48
00:02:53,832 --> 00:02:56,558
He throws me work. I want
him to feel comfortable with me.

49
00:02:56,880 --> 00:03:00,244
And how far do you go to
make him feel comfortable?

50
00:03:00,449 --> 00:03:04,246
Don't worry. I just sparkle a little bit.
I don't burst into flames.

51
00:03:05,662 --> 00:03:10,224
- I don't know how you live with yourself.
- Actually, I don't live with myself.

52
00:03:10,434 --> 00:03:12,475
I have a significant other.

53
00:03:13,562 --> 00:03:14,839
- What?
- We're both invited...

54
00:03:15,005 --> 00:03:16,921
...to a cocktail party Saturday night.

55
00:03:18,213 --> 00:03:19,696
What?

56
00:03:27,196 --> 00:03:29,317
- No. Absolutely not.
- Oh, come on.

57
00:03:29,482 --> 00:03:31,397
You always complain
we don't hang out.

58
00:03:31,607 --> 00:03:34,492
I didn't mean I wanted to date you.

59
00:03:34,695 --> 00:03:37,854
You don't think I'm gonna go to a gay
cocktail party stag, do you?

60
00:03:38,023 --> 00:03:39,379
The way I sparkle?

61
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:42,552
I'm not going to be your gay lover
so you can make a few bucks.

62
00:03:42,755 --> 00:03:46,073
Okay, first of all, it's considerably
more than a few bucks.

63
00:03:46,284 --> 00:03:49,328
This man was responsible for almost
half my income last year.

64
00:03:49,492 --> 00:03:52,377
And that's the half
I didn't gamble away.

65
00:03:52,539 --> 00:03:54,615
And second of all,
you're not just my lover...

66
00:03:54,785 --> 00:03:57,465
...you're my life partner.
That makes you special.

67
00:03:57,672 --> 00:04:00,957
Forget it. It's immoral and deceitful,
and I don't want any part of it.

68
00:04:01,121 --> 00:04:03,721
What's the big deal?
Gay people pretend to be straight.

69
00:04:03,928 --> 00:04:05,570
They don't wanna be discriminated.

70
00:04:05,773 --> 00:04:09,742
And neither do I. The minute this guy
finds out I'm a breeder, I'm history.

71
00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:13,668
I don't care. If you wanna engage
in a fraudulent escapade...

72
00:04:13,873 --> 00:04:16,473
...have one of your oafish poker
buddies be your partner.

73
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:20,044
You see? You see? Right there.
Escapade. Oafish.

74
00:04:20,209 --> 00:04:22,969
What poker buddy
of mine talks like that?

75
00:04:23,136 --> 00:04:26,136
But you, a couple of squirts of
Paco Rabanne, you're good to go.

76
00:04:26,785 --> 00:04:28,907
Having a reasonable
command of English...

77
00:04:29,071 --> 00:04:31,386
...isn't the exclusive domain
of the gay community.

78
00:04:31,557 --> 00:04:34,397
Listen to you.
You're just making my point.

79
00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:36,960
Forget it. You're asking too much.

80
00:04:37,131 --> 00:04:39,206
Oh, really?

81
00:04:39,377 --> 00:04:43,825
Was it too much when you showed
up on my doorstep, looking for a place?

82
00:04:43,988 --> 00:04:45,711
- Charlie.
- Too much when I took in...

83
00:04:45,873 --> 00:04:48,633
...your son on weekends and holidays?
- This isn't fair.

84
00:04:48,841 --> 00:04:51,155
Too much when
I set up a college fund for Jake?

85
00:04:51,367 --> 00:04:54,207
- You set up a college fund for Jake?
- You bet I will.

86
00:04:55,016 --> 00:04:58,016
Unless, of course, my income
were to suddenly decline.

87
00:04:58,224 --> 00:05:00,379
I can't believe you would sink so low.

88
00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,990
To actually use emotional
and financial blackmail...

89
00:05:03,197 --> 00:05:04,553
- You're both in my will.
- Really?

90
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,163
First thing Monday.

91
00:05:08,530 --> 00:05:10,526
All right. But I want it on the record...

92
00:05:10,695 --> 00:05:12,691
...I'm doing this under protest.
- Noted.

93
00:05:12,861 --> 00:05:15,016
If we're gonna be a couple,
I'm the husband.

94
00:05:15,748 --> 00:05:17,789
Well, who's gonna believe
you're the husband?

95
00:05:17,994 --> 00:05:20,560
Of the two of us, I'm the
only one who's been a husband.

96
00:05:20,761 --> 00:05:23,601
You really thought you were
the husband in your marriage?

97
00:05:25,532 --> 00:05:30,904
Nevertheless, I'm going to be
the husband in this one.

98
00:05:33,994 --> 00:05:35,910
Well, la-di-da.

99
00:05:38,886 --> 00:05:41,007
- Thanks for babysitting, Rose.
- My pleasure.

100
00:05:41,172 --> 00:05:42,814
Where are you guys going?

101
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,538
To a little party.

102
00:05:44,941 --> 00:05:47,461
And you're taking Alan
instead of a date?

103
00:05:47,628 --> 00:05:50,148
Yeah, well, funny story about that.

104
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,915
Okay, let's get this over with.

105
00:05:54,806 --> 00:05:56,402
You're wearing that?

106
00:05:56,570 --> 00:05:58,771
What's wrong with it?
You liked it in the store.

107
00:05:58,976 --> 00:06:00,572
It looked different in the store.

108
00:06:01,904 --> 00:06:04,378
Well, it was on sale. I can't return it.

109
00:06:05,112 --> 00:06:08,077
- Dad, can we order pizza for dinner?
- No. Eat something healthy.

110
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:09,882
You want me to change, just tell me.

111
00:06:10,084 --> 00:06:11,646
- Don't change.
- You don't like it.

112
00:06:11,849 --> 00:06:13,890
I didn't say that.

113
00:06:14,094 --> 00:06:15,690
I think you look very nice, Alan.

114
00:06:15,899 --> 00:06:18,704
Thank you. See?
That's all I needed to hear.

115
00:06:18,906 --> 00:06:22,305
- Well, you heard it. Now, come on.
- You know, I'm only doing this for you.

116
00:06:22,475 --> 00:06:24,597
- I know.
- Could you show a little appreciation?

117
00:06:24,761 --> 00:06:26,961
How about I show you a little
smack on the head?

118
00:06:27,127 --> 00:06:29,967
That's your answer
for everything, isn't it?

119
00:06:30,856 --> 00:06:32,133
What is that about?

120
00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:35,744
I don't know, but one of them
suffers from erectile dysfunction.

121
00:06:37,433 --> 00:06:39,668
Dad said we could order a pizza.

122
00:06:42,165 --> 00:06:46,453
Would you please not walk so far in
front of me? I'm not your concubine.

123
00:06:46,616 --> 00:06:47,893
I'm sorry.

124
00:06:48,099 --> 00:06:50,095
What, are you ashamed of me?

125
00:06:51,107 --> 00:06:52,384
A little bit.

126
00:06:59,087 --> 00:07:01,892
Oh, boy. Charlie, we need to talk.

127
00:07:02,094 --> 00:07:04,455
For the last time, you look stunning.

128
00:07:04,661 --> 00:07:06,736
No, we... We need
to get our stories straight.

129
00:07:06,907 --> 00:07:08,503
- What stories?
- We're a couple.

130
00:07:08,671 --> 00:07:10,907
How long have we been together?
How did we meet?

131
00:07:11,117 --> 00:07:14,435
Okay, fine. I met you in Thailand
and bought you from a guy.

132
00:07:15,207 --> 00:07:18,686
I'm serious. If we're gonna pull this off,
we need to be convincing.

133
00:07:18,856 --> 00:07:20,932
A favorite song?
Cute names for each other?

134
00:07:21,102 --> 00:07:24,021
I mean, I don't even know if
we're dog people or cat people.

135
00:07:24,230 --> 00:07:28,438
I forgot to tell you: The guy I bought you
from had your vocal chords removed.

136
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:33,444
- Charlie. I'm so glad you could make it.
- Oh, please. How could I not?

137
00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:36,049
And you must be Alan. Welcome.

138
00:07:36,220 --> 00:07:38,136
I'm the husband.

139
00:07:38,706 --> 00:07:41,466
No, he's not. Stop saying that.

140
00:07:41,634 --> 00:07:45,032
Listen to you two ladies.
Come on. I'll get you a drink.

141
00:07:45,202 --> 00:07:46,798
Appletinis.

142
00:07:47,007 --> 00:07:48,923
So how did you lovebirds meet?

143
00:07:54,225 --> 00:07:56,745
Funny you should ask.
We were at the Coffee Bean...

144
00:07:56,912 --> 00:08:01,839
...you know, the one in Larchmont
Village, where the pastries are to die for.

145
00:08:02,005 --> 00:08:05,289
Anyway, we both
ordered a soy latte...

146
00:08:05,453 --> 00:08:11,179
...when the first one came up, we both
reached for it, and our hands touched.

147
00:08:12,070 --> 00:08:14,145
Oh, that is so romantic.

148
00:08:14,356 --> 00:08:17,480
Yeah, it was one of those moments
that seems to go on forever.

149
00:08:17,644 --> 00:08:19,161
Like this one.

150
00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:21,569
- Are you starting?
- No.

151
00:08:21,774 --> 00:08:25,013
Because I swear to God, I will walk
out that door and get in a cab.

152
00:08:26,706 --> 00:08:29,706
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, what?

153
00:08:30,075 --> 00:08:32,311
I'm sorry...

154
00:08:32,481 --> 00:08:34,317
...pookie.

155
00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:36,283
Finish your story, Alan.

156
00:08:36,611 --> 00:08:40,056
Well, okay. So... So there we are...

157
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:45,227
...our hands are touching, and we
look into each other's eyes...

158
00:08:45,393 --> 00:08:48,838
...this one panics, spills coffee
over one of his hideous bowling shirts.

159
00:08:49,042 --> 00:08:52,600
The only gay man in America
who dresses like Ralph Kramden.

160
00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:55,249
To the moon, Alan.

161
00:08:55,418 --> 00:09:00,140
Anyhoo, so I took him back to my
condo to "hand wash his shirt"...

162
00:09:00,311 --> 00:09:02,466
...and, abracadabra,
hocus-pocus, here we are.

163
00:09:02,677 --> 00:09:06,200
- That's a delicious story.
- Yeah, isn't it yummy?

164
00:09:08,010 --> 00:09:14,499
Yeah, it kills me every time.

165
00:09:18,957 --> 00:09:21,524
There's someone you just
have to meet. Don't go away.

166
00:09:21,684 --> 00:09:23,759
Okey-dokey, artichokey.

167
00:09:24,812 --> 00:09:28,017
You've gotta pull back a little.
You're gonna set off the smoke alarm.

168
00:09:28,221 --> 00:09:30,616
- What do you mean?
- I mean, if you flame any more...

169
00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:32,543
...you'll light the drapes on fire.

170
00:09:32,752 --> 00:09:34,873
What about you?
"Okey-dokey, artichokey"?

171
00:09:35,038 --> 00:09:37,478
What are you, the Jolly Gay Giant?

172
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:41,647
I want you both to meet someone
very special to me. Charlie, Alan...

173
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:44,974
...this is my very patient
and very forgiving ex-wife, Pamela.

174
00:09:45,183 --> 00:09:47,099
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

175
00:09:47,308 --> 00:09:49,304
Hi. Wow, you were married?

176
00:09:49,514 --> 00:09:51,715
It was before I'd gotten
a grip on my sexuality.

177
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:54,440
But not before you got
a grip on my cousin Walt.

178
00:09:56,131 --> 00:09:58,206
Well, I can see why you
gave marriage a shot.

179
00:09:58,376 --> 00:10:00,850
Pamela, you are a
breathtakingly beautiful woman.

180
00:10:01,063 --> 00:10:02,739
Why, thank you, Charlie.

181
00:10:02,908 --> 00:10:06,032
Why do all the cute ones
have to be married or gay?

182
00:10:06,196 --> 00:10:09,480
Back off, sister. I caught this fish.

183
00:10:15,178 --> 00:10:19,900
- Gonna tell me what's bothering you?
- Lf you don't know, no point discussing.

184
00:10:20,111 --> 00:10:21,593
Fine.

185
00:10:23,078 --> 00:10:24,674
You ignored me the whole night.

186
00:10:26,447 --> 00:10:29,092
A party where I don't know anyone,
and you abandoned me.

187
00:10:29,294 --> 00:10:31,768
Alan, listen closely.

188
00:10:31,940 --> 00:10:34,507
It wasn't a real date.

189
00:10:35,589 --> 00:10:37,904
Not the point. I was stuck
playing truth or dare...

190
00:10:38,076 --> 00:10:40,995
...with your friend Eric and nine
producers from <i>Will & Grace...</i>

191
00:10:41,163 --> 00:10:44,083
...while you had a wonderful
time talking to his hot ex-wife.

192
00:10:44,291 --> 00:10:46,287
- I was just being polite.
- Oh, please.

193
00:10:46,457 --> 00:10:49,855
- I saw the way you were looking at her.
- What, I can't look?

194
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,266
Not when you're supposed
to be with me.

195
00:10:52,472 --> 00:10:54,468
How many appletinis
did you drink tonight?

196
00:10:54,677 --> 00:10:57,802
Never you mind about that.
So... So, what are you gonna do?

197
00:10:57,966 --> 00:11:01,284
Out yourself as a straight man so you
can sleep with your little Pamela?

198
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,699
No, no. That would mess
everything up with Eric.

199
00:11:05,424 --> 00:11:07,625
Unless I convince him...

200
00:11:07,790 --> 00:11:10,790
...that she temporarily
flipped me back to the home team.

201
00:11:10,998 --> 00:11:13,119
Oh, if you're gonna go, just go.

202
00:11:13,284 --> 00:11:16,283
Alan, eat something.
Toast, a waffle. Anything absorbent.

203
00:11:16,492 --> 00:11:18,374
Don't blame this on the liquor.

204
00:11:19,219 --> 00:11:21,454
Okay, here's what I can do.

205
00:11:21,625 --> 00:11:23,541
She and I are going
shopping tomorrow.

206
00:11:23,710 --> 00:11:26,470
I'll tell her I'm bisexual,
and then make my move.

207
00:11:26,677 --> 00:11:28,320
So you're gonna cheat on me?

208
00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:29,959
No, that's not cheating.

209
00:11:30,166 --> 00:11:33,804
- How do you figure?
- Because we're not really gay.

210
00:11:34,297 --> 00:11:37,137
Then how can you be bi?

211
00:11:39,590 --> 00:11:41,346
Shut up.

212
00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:48,166
Okay, well, good night.

213
00:11:48,372 --> 00:11:52,375
- Aren't you gonna ask?
- No. Jake told me.

214
00:11:57,314 --> 00:11:59,436
Oh, this is a cute top.

215
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,519
I'm more a bottom man myself.

216
00:12:02,688 --> 00:12:05,128
I'll bet you are.

217
00:12:08,141 --> 00:12:09,703
- Too slutty?
- Haven't you heard?

218
00:12:09,866 --> 00:12:11,907
Slutty is the new black.

219
00:12:12,071 --> 00:12:14,227
Oh, you.

220
00:12:14,878 --> 00:12:19,725
Is there some special, young vagina
enthusiast you'll be taking that off for?

221
00:12:19,931 --> 00:12:22,736
I wish. Can you keep a little secret?

222
00:12:22,938 --> 00:12:24,934
I'm keeping a big one right now.

223
00:12:25,144 --> 00:12:27,618
I haven't been with a man
in almost a year.

224
00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:30,431
Oh, no. Color me sympathetic.

225
00:12:30,638 --> 00:12:33,717
I don't miss dating. That's lies and
pretense. I do miss the sex.

226
00:12:33,926 --> 00:12:38,807
Really? Well, what, specifically,
do you miss? And tell me slowly.

227
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:43,589
The feel of a man's hot breath
on the back of my neck.

228
00:12:43,751 --> 00:12:47,435
His rough hands pulling me
to him and just taking me.

229
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,961
Of course, I don't need to tell you.

230
00:12:50,969 --> 00:12:53,695
No, but I'm so glad you did.

231
00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:57,380
Isn't it funny that I can only be
this honest with a gay man?

232
00:12:57,545 --> 00:12:59,427
Yeah, it's a riot.

233
00:12:59,831 --> 00:13:03,720
Straight men only want one thing, and
they'll tell any number of lies to get it.

234
00:13:03,921 --> 00:13:06,761
- The dogs.
- Straight women are so competitive...

235
00:13:06,929 --> 00:13:08,970
...they'll use anything
you say against you.

236
00:13:09,174 --> 00:13:11,056
The bitches.

237
00:13:11,260 --> 00:13:14,544
Gay women only want one thing, and
they'll lie worse than straight men.

238
00:13:14,748 --> 00:13:16,709
Strange, because
they've already got it.

239
00:13:16,914 --> 00:13:19,434
Oh, you, come here.

240
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:24,083
Oh, that's the other thing about
gay men. You're so hilarious.

241
00:13:24,252 --> 00:13:27,012
Yeah, we're like clowns
who smell nice.

242
00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:31,100
You know, these are pretty.

243
00:13:34,237 --> 00:13:37,955
It's pretty sheer. Eric hated it when he
could see my nipples. That a gay thing?

244
00:13:38,287 --> 00:13:42,655
Well, I can't speak for the community,
but I myself am nutty for nipples.

245
00:13:42,859 --> 00:13:44,455
Let's try it on.

246
00:13:44,623 --> 00:13:46,140
Okey-dokey, artichokey.

247
00:13:47,791 --> 00:13:49,787
All right. Hold this.

248
00:13:49,956 --> 00:13:51,633
Okay.

249
00:13:51,801 --> 00:13:53,842
What do you think?
With or without the bra?

250
00:13:54,889 --> 00:13:57,124
I don't know.
You're the one with nipple issues.

251
00:13:57,335 --> 00:13:59,901
All right, then. Without.

252
00:14:00,343 --> 00:14:02,738
Yes. Definitely without.

253
00:14:03,270 --> 00:14:04,706
Am I starting to sag?

254
00:14:06,197 --> 00:14:08,353
What... I'm sorry,
were you talking to me?

255
00:14:08,563 --> 00:14:10,159
Am I hanging a bit low?

256
00:14:10,368 --> 00:14:13,766
I don't know. Go like this:

257
00:14:14,378 --> 00:14:17,297
- Now go like this:
- Stop it. Give me the blouse.

258
00:14:19,110 --> 00:14:20,626
I am a woman, Charles.

259
00:14:20,794 --> 00:14:22,755
- Wanna see my nipples?
- No.

260
00:14:22,959 --> 00:14:24,716
Why not? You made me look at yours.

261
00:14:24,884 --> 00:14:28,168
God, you are so frisky.
How does Alan ever put up with you?

262
00:14:28,373 --> 00:14:30,528
How does his mother
put up with him?

263
00:14:30,739 --> 00:14:32,175
Oh, boy.

264
00:14:32,383 --> 00:14:36,625
Charles, didn't I ask you to confine
your debauchery to outlet stores?

265
00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:40,392
Pamela, this is my mother, Evelyn.
Mom, this is Pamela.

266
00:14:40,563 --> 00:14:44,282
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. Your son is adorable.

267
00:14:44,453 --> 00:14:47,293
That seems to be
the conventional wisdom.

268
00:14:47,461 --> 00:14:51,065
I met him and his partner last night,
but we immediately hit it off.

269
00:14:51,230 --> 00:14:53,990
- I'm sorry. His partner?
- Alan, his lover.

270
00:14:54,197 --> 00:14:55,874
His lover?

271
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,399
God, I'm not outing you, am I?

272
00:14:58,568 --> 00:15:02,537
Oh, no, no, no. Mom knows
all about me and Alan. Right, Mom?

273
00:15:03,501 --> 00:15:08,063
Of course. Alan's almost
like a son to me.

274
00:15:08,273 --> 00:15:12,561
My ex's parents were not supportive
when he came out of the closet.

275
00:15:12,724 --> 00:15:15,609
Oh, what a shame. What does he do?

276
00:15:15,812 --> 00:15:18,252
He's in advertising.
Charlie writes jingles for him.

277
00:15:18,458 --> 00:15:23,305
Oh, I see. One hand
moisturizes the other.

278
00:15:25,757 --> 00:15:28,676
No, the only time Charlie
was ever in the closet...

279
00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:32,083
...was when he was a little boy
trying on my hats and underwear...

280
00:15:32,253 --> 00:15:35,333
...belting out the entire score
of <i>Hello, Dolly!</i>

281
00:15:35,541 --> 00:15:38,108
It was <i>Mame,</i> Mom.

282
00:15:38,308 --> 00:15:42,231
In fact, if anything, his lifestyle
has brought us even closer.

283
00:15:42,398 --> 00:15:44,872
We cook together,
we shop together...

284
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:49,014
...we go to all kinds of parties
and charity events together.

285
00:15:49,215 --> 00:15:53,617
Come to think of it, I have entered us
in an Alzheimer's walkathon this Sunday.

286
00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:55,304
Sunday isn't really good for me.

287
00:15:55,471 --> 00:15:57,113
But you will be there anyway...

288
00:15:57,276 --> 00:16:03,560
...because we support each other in all
our little causes, and you love me. Right?

289
00:16:04,774 --> 00:16:06,291
Right.

290
00:16:06,739 --> 00:16:08,381
Say it.

291
00:16:11,752 --> 00:16:13,348
I love you, Mom.

292
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,871
And I love you too.

293
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,639
Eight a.m. Sunday.

294
00:16:17,807 --> 00:16:22,334
I'll buy us matching tracksuits.
It'll be cute.

295
00:16:23,862 --> 00:16:26,508
- Lovely to meet you, Pamela.
- Bye.

296
00:16:26,830 --> 00:16:30,799
If I didn't know you were gay, meeting
your mother would've convinced me.

297
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,925
Okay, that's it.
I can't do this anymore.

298
00:16:34,088 --> 00:16:36,973
You can't stop shopping.
I've gotta find you something slutty.

299
00:16:37,176 --> 00:16:39,456
I've already got something
slutty in my pants.

300
00:16:39,662 --> 00:16:41,862
- You're terrible.
- Pamela, listen to me.

301
00:16:42,068 --> 00:16:47,155
I'm not gay. I am completely,
100 percent, militantly heterosexual...

302
00:16:47,321 --> 00:16:51,370
...and I find you incredibly attractive.
- Okay. I understand.

303
00:16:51,572 --> 00:16:54,970
- You do?
- Of course. I went through this with Eric.

304
00:16:55,141 --> 00:16:58,140
He wanted badly to be straight,
and he suffered so much before...

305
00:16:58,308 --> 00:17:00,954
...he was able to finally accept
himself for who he is.

306
00:17:01,156 --> 00:17:04,874
Oh, no. I accept myself for who
I am. I am a lying horndog.

307
00:17:05,045 --> 00:17:07,885
- Charlie.
- Lf I were a straight man...

308
00:17:08,053 --> 00:17:10,619
...would you find me attractive?
- That's hypothetical.

309
00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:13,175
Play along. Humor me.
If I were straight...

310
00:17:13,386 --> 00:17:14,982
I'd do you in a heartbeat.

311
00:17:15,191 --> 00:17:17,266
Oh, good. Come with me.

312
00:17:17,436 --> 00:17:20,082
Charlie, don't do this.
You don't have to prove anything.

313
00:17:20,284 --> 00:17:22,199
Oh, but I do.

314
00:17:23,852 --> 00:17:25,688
Now, come here.

315
00:17:27,020 --> 00:17:29,335
You don't have to be
straight to be a good kisser.

316
00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:32,712
I know, I know. Just wait.

317
00:17:36,003 --> 00:17:37,804
Well...?

318
00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:42,209
Give me a minute. I'm under some
pressure here. I just saw my mother.

319
00:17:42,379 --> 00:17:44,500
Would it help if you thought of Alan?

320
00:17:44,665 --> 00:17:49,432
Oh, great. Why don't you just
roll up a newspaper and hit it?

321
00:17:49,597 --> 00:17:51,479
Charlie, sweetheart, it's okay.

322
00:17:51,642 --> 00:17:54,209
No, it's not. I am a straight man.

323
00:17:54,369 --> 00:17:57,893
I've always been a straight man,
and I'll always be a straight man.

324
00:17:58,058 --> 00:18:02,267
Well, you'll forgive me, darling,
but you seem to have a gay man's penis.

325
00:18:03,472 --> 00:18:05,593
Come on, let's go look at shoes.

326
00:18:06,559 --> 00:18:10,609
It's a straight man's penis.
It's just having a bad day.

327
00:18:13,537 --> 00:18:15,612
- Hey.
- Oh, I thought you'd never come home.

328
00:18:15,783 --> 00:18:17,379
- We have to talk.
- Not now.

329
00:18:17,547 --> 00:18:19,508
I need to drink beer, scratch my ass...

330
00:18:19,672 --> 00:18:22,592
...and watch a whole bunch
of girl-on-girl porn.

331
00:18:24,284 --> 00:18:27,443
- Hello, Charlie.
- Eric. What are you doing here?

332
00:18:29,296 --> 00:18:32,741
I came over to talk to you about a
new account, and you weren't here, so...

333
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:35,021
So he invited me to Big Sur
for the weekend.

334
00:18:36,875 --> 00:18:38,198
It's not what it sounds like.

335
00:18:38,399 --> 00:18:42,847
Yes, it is. He looked into my eyes,
told me I had a tight little breadbasket.

336
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:44,808
No.

337
00:18:44,976 --> 00:18:48,614
Look, the other night at the party, there
was a lot of friction between you...

338
00:18:48,785 --> 00:18:51,306
...and I'm really sorry.

339
00:18:51,512 --> 00:18:55,196
Yeah, I'll bet you're really sorry.

340
00:18:56,645 --> 00:18:58,686
How do you expect me
to keep working for you?

341
00:18:58,891 --> 00:19:01,126
Gosh, I hope you will.
I'll make it up to you.

342
00:19:01,337 --> 00:19:04,815
How? How could you possibly
make up for this incredible betrayal?

343
00:19:05,026 --> 00:19:07,945
- I'll get you more money.
- Done. Get out.

344
00:19:08,755 --> 00:19:10,557
Bye, Alan.

345
00:19:11,763 --> 00:19:13,085
Thanks for the sweater.

346
00:19:14,931 --> 00:19:19,493
- He gave you a sweater?
- Cashmere. Very stylish. And thank you.

347
00:19:19,663 --> 00:19:23,506
- For what? I didn't get you anything.
- You stood up for our relationship.

348
00:19:23,673 --> 00:19:27,915
What relationship?
Alan, we're not gay.

349
00:19:28,445 --> 00:19:31,889
No, but if we were, you wouldn't
let anybody steal me away.

350
00:19:32,054 --> 00:19:34,050
And I think that's sweet.

351
00:19:35,021 --> 00:19:37,062
You need to stop this.

352
00:19:37,227 --> 00:19:40,271
I was just trying to get more
money out of him, and that's all.

353
00:19:40,475 --> 00:19:43,714
Whatever you say. Pookie.

354
00:19:46,249 --> 00:19:48,210
Is the breadbasket
the front or the back?

355
00:19:48,375 --> 00:19:52,424
- The back.
- Oh, good. It wasn't just a line.

356
00:19:57,036 --> 00:19:59,032
Pick it up, Charlie. We're lagging.

357
00:19:59,202 --> 00:20:01,881
Gimme a break.
I haven't even been to bed yet.

358
00:20:02,049 --> 00:20:05,174
Well, perhaps it's time for you
to reexamine your club-hopping...

359
00:20:05,337 --> 00:20:08,417
...popper-sniffing, disco lifestyle.

360
00:20:08,585 --> 00:20:10,707
I explained about that.

361
00:20:10,871 --> 00:20:15,353
It doesn't matter, darling.
You're here, you're queer. I'm used to it.