1
00:00:03,087 --> 00:00:05,672
(SlNGlNG) The Simpsons

2
00:00:06,465 --> 00:00:07,465
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

3
00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:10,635
D'oh !

4
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,720
(SCREAMlNG)
(BRAKES SCREECHlNG)

5
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:30,113
Let's see. . . l'll have
1 6 Gravy Scrape 'Ems,

6
00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:31,864
a bucket of Twisty Lard,

7
00:00:31,949 --> 00:00:34,617
and two Super Choker
Breakfast Burritos
with macho sauce.

8
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:36,119
And mega-size it, please.

9
00:00:36,328 --> 00:00:38,496
SQUEAKY-VOlCED TEEN:
l could also
deep-fry the bag.

10
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:41,165
Great. And l'll have
a Diet Coke deep-fried.

11
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:42,959
Mmm ! Mmm !

12
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,630
Need more lap.

13
00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:53,177
(GULPlNG)

14
00:00:56,348 --> 00:00:57,390
OTTO: Whoa!

15
00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:02,687
l can't see! l'll have
to steer by the reflection
in my watch !

16
00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,314
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
Oh !

17
00:01:05,524 --> 00:01:06,899
Why don't l just pull over?

18
00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:07,984
MAN: Hey!

19
00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:13,239
Can't stop.
Krusty collectible toy
jammed under brake pedal !

20
00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:15,491
Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey!

21
00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:20,329
AUTOMATED VOlCE:
lntruder detected.
Calling local police.

22
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:22,081
(DlALlNG)

23
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:25,168
Line busy, shutting down.

24
00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:28,546
Mr. Burns, the Department
of Nuclear Security

25
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,798
is very impressed
with your plant.

26
00:01:30,883 --> 00:01:32,842
Yes. We're well protected
against every threat,

27
00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:36,429
from bomb-toting Bolsheviks
to golden-armed jazzbos.

28
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,139
(THUDDlNG)

29
00:01:38,223 --> 00:01:40,308
HOMER: Oh, no!
l hit the grief counselor!

30
00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:47,607
Promise me
you'll report this.

31
00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:52,195
Consider yourself fired !

32
00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:56,824
l had a car!

33
00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:01,788
Mom, can we go
into this bookstore?

34
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,706
Please, please,
please, please, please,
please, please?

35
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:05,541
Well, l could use a muffin.

36
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,211
(MARGE HUMMlNG)

37
00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:11,339
l'm gonna go up
to the fourth floor
where the books are.

38
00:02:11,507 --> 00:02:12,757
l'm gonna taunt the PhD's.

39
00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:13,883
Hey, guys.

40
00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:15,843
l heard an
assistant professorship
just opened up.

41
00:02:15,928 --> 00:02:16,969
(ALL GASPlNG)
Oh, yeah?

42
00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:18,930
At the University
of. . . Psych !

43
00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:20,097
Oh.

44
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:21,432
(LAUGHlNG)

45
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:23,142
(GASPlNG)

46
00:02:23,227 --> 00:02:26,437
Esme Delacroix?
She wrote
To Kiss a Scoundrel.

47
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:29,524
"And they tumbled
to the heather,

48
00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:33,027
"breeches to bustle,
crinoline to burlap,

49
00:02:33,111 --> 00:02:37,615
"their mansion in ashes,
their passion aflame."

50
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:38,699
End of Chapter 1 .

51
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:45,289
Yeah, when it happens
in a book, it's romantic.

52
00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:47,250
But when Willie
tries to kiss ya,

53
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,836
you're all pepper spray
and fingernails.

54
00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:53,339
(CLEARS THROAT)
Marge Simpson,
long-time reader,

55
00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:54,674
first-time stander-upper.

56
00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:57,927
Did you have
any special training
to become a writer?

57
00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:01,472
(SCOFFS)
Just a class at the Y.
Yale University.

58
00:03:01,557 --> 00:03:03,516
But anyone with
passion can write.

59
00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:05,351
Anyone?

60
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:08,437
lf l write a book,
will they tell me
when it comes out?

61
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:09,897
Well, they should, yes.

62
00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:11,190
Then l'll do it!

63
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:14,902
l gotta get a job
before Marge finds out
l was fired.

64
00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:18,531
That's it!

65
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:22,660
l'll steal the sign
and they'll pay me
to make them a new one!

66
00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:25,288
l'll show you what we do
with scammers like you.

67
00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:28,416
Okay, here's how it goes.

68
00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,209
Buyers never tell you
what they're willing
to spend.

69
00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:31,669
And when they
talk privately,

70
00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:33,045
we spy on them through
this one-way mirror.

71
00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:35,464
We'll clean out
those stupid Americans.

72
00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:36,883
(CHUCKLlNG)

73
00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:42,638
You'll probably want
to talk this over so
l'll leave you two "alone."

74
00:03:43,015 --> 00:03:44,682
(CHUCKLlNG EVlLLY)

75
00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:50,062
Excuse me.

76
00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:52,440
WeII, honey,
what do you think?

77
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:55,401
Did that salesman cut one
during the test drive?

78
00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:58,905
Yeah. And for some reason
he turned on the radio
to cover up the smell.

79
00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:01,490
Let's get out of here.
l'm not shaking
that guy's hand.

80
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:04,744
They'll be back.

81
00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:09,081
(UPBEAT MUSlC PLAYlNG)

82
00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:18,257
(MOANS)

83
00:04:18,342 --> 00:04:20,259
He was my best friend.

84
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:27,516
Hmm.

85
00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:31,979
Cool. An ambulance
from the '60s.

86
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:35,775
l bet a lot of hippies
were denied care
in this thing.

87
00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:37,109
(LAUGHlNG)

88
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:38,694
lnjured hippies.

89
00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:40,613
No, we'll never
sell this thing.

90
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,031
The brakes are shot,
the engine's rusted.

91
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,282
The only thing that
works is the siren.

92
00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:44,575
(BLARlNG)

93
00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:49,330
(HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE)
Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!

94
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:50,581
Buy me!
l'll do it!

95
00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:52,249
Do what?

96
00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:53,709
(SlREN BLARlNG)

97
00:04:57,089 --> 00:05:00,549
Guess what?
l quit my job as
a used car salesman.

98
00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:02,468
You work at
the Nuclear Plant.

99
00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:06,305
Get with the program, Marge.
Your husband is now
an ambulance driver.

100
00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:07,682
Don't you need
training for that?

101
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,558
Maybe on Planet ZooZoo.

102
00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:12,228
Hey, l think it's cool.
l can defibrillate Lisa!

103
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:15,064
Not if l pump your heart
full of morphine first!

104
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,275
Kids, kids.
Those aren't your toys.

105
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,778
They're to keep
Daddy asleep and awake.

106
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:26,283
l'm gonna need them
on my first shift tonight.

107
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:29,912
Tonight? But l was hoping
you could watch the kids
while l work on my novel.

108
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,039
Slow down, Picasso.
You were gonna

109
00:05:32,124 --> 00:05:34,041
start a novel
without informing me?

110
00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,669
Homer, you left two jobs

111
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,130
and bought an ambulance
without even a phone call !

112
00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:41,132
l also fed some ducklings.

113
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,009
l know. l got your message.

114
00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:44,135
Fine, fine.

115
00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:48,347
l'll take the kids tonight
and you go to your
precious hair appointment.

116
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,391
l'm writing a novel !

117
00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,685
Whatever. But l think
you look great already.

118
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,311
Thank you.

119
00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:57,940
What should l write about?

120
00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:02,194
That painting has always
sparked my imagination.

121
00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:10,327
That's it!
A novel about whaling !

122
00:06:10,412 --> 00:06:12,580
That's something
you haven't seen before.

123
00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:15,458
Thank you,
Scene From Moby-Dick.

124
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:20,171
"Chapter 1 ,
starts and beginnings.

125
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:26,635
"'Swim, swim, swim,'
thought the whale,
flapping his flappers."

126
00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:28,721
Brownie break!

127
00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:35,561
"Mayor Quimby, Disco Stu,

128
00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:38,439
"and our fighting men
and women overseas."

129
00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:40,357
Well, l've finished
the thank you's.

130
00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,318
Time to go back
to the novel.

131
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:48,157
Temperance Barrows
stared at the sea,

132
00:06:48,492 --> 00:06:50,743
Iike a dog stares at a ham.

133
00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:54,330
Oh, l just finished
my first paragraph.

134
00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:57,541
Spell-check! Perfect.

135
00:06:58,043 --> 00:07:01,045
Now let's see if
lightning strikes twice.

136
00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:02,546
Where to, Mac?

137
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:05,424
For the third time,
the hospital.

138
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:07,593
You're an ambulance,
not a taxi.

139
00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:10,513
Hospital, eh? Wow!
Everyone's going
there tonight.

140
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:12,014
(SlREN WAlLlNG)

141
00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:15,142
Dad, you've been
driving in circles
for 20 minutes.

142
00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:17,853
Why don't you just admit
you don't know where
the hospital is?

143
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,856
Why don't you admit
l know it's around
here somewhere?

144
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,776
MARGE:
"For Temperance,
the days passed on,

145
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:26,320
"as did seven
of her 1 0 children."

146
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,407
When will father return
from his whaling voyage?

147
00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:33,452
This family
has not seen whale meat
for a one month.

148
00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:38,374
Bartaby, Leezakiah,
we must be grateful
for what we have.

149
00:07:42,838 --> 00:07:45,714
Family, the good Lord
has blessed my voyage.

150
00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:48,050
Behold his bounty.

151
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:50,761
And for you, good wife,

152
00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:54,390
Virginia's miracle
crop, tobacco.

153
00:07:58,061 --> 00:08:01,355
Ohhh ! lt has colored my teeth
a healthy brown.

154
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:06,277
Was there ever
a more perfect
husband than you?

155
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:07,653
(CAR DOOR SLAMMlNG)

156
00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:09,155
Marge, l'm back.

157
00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:12,616
Oh, Homie, l've had
the most exciting day.

158
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:15,411
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
l need some dinner stat.

159
00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:19,415
And the kids
need some CPR lessons.

160
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,749
We're not paramedics!

161
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:21,959
l'll say.

162
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,545
Oh, good. You can use that
to take down my dinner order.

163
00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:25,796
l'll start with the soup,

164
00:08:25,881 --> 00:08:28,424
then a nice mixed grill
with a side of wild rice.

165
00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:30,718
Fine! Right after
this revision.

166
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:34,096
"Temperance had to face
the unhappy truth.

167
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,931
"She had married a brute."

168
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,101
Hey, baby! l've returned
from Portsmouth.

169
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,896
Now let me put
my tongue down "yourmouth."

170
00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:45,649
Ugh !

171
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:46,942
Now cook up my catch.

172
00:08:48,612 --> 00:08:50,029
A seagull?

173
00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:51,447
The whales
weren't biting, okay?

174
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:52,531
l know you did your best.

175
00:08:52,616 --> 00:08:55,576
Yeah, yeah.
You know everything,
don't you?

176
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:58,078
Now, don't wait up.
l'll be at Moab's.

177
00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:01,999
This story is as dark
as those new Milky Way bars.

178
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:05,920
That's a good analogy.
l'll work it in somewhere.

179
00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:08,505
But now l need
some romance pronto.

180
00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:09,757
Hey, Marge.

181
00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:13,052
You look like
you could use a nice,
big stud detector.

182
00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:15,512
(CHUCKLlNG)
They were two-for-one
at Krusty Home Depot.

183
00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:17,556
So l got an extra one
for you guys.

184
00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,892
Ned, that's so considerate.

185
00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:22,102
Well, some say
being thoughtful
is old-fashioned.

186
00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:24,897
lf so, then l guess
l'm just a caveman,

187
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,732
if they existed,
which they didn't.

188
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:31,153
Boy, when you write,
you can let your
imagination run wild.

189
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,447
"Temperance was
doing the laundry."

190
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,492
CYRUS: My, those are
pretty calluses.

191
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:38,744
And your back has
a nice New England hump.

192
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:47,169
l'm Cyrus Manley.
And l'm new to the island.

193
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,171
Perhaps you could
show me around.

194
00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:50,714
Nantucket is an island?

195
00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:53,259
What do you know? lt is.

196
00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:55,678
Well, l could take you
on a tour,

197
00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:57,805
as long as my husband
doesn't need me.

198
00:09:58,181 --> 00:10:00,516
Hey, baby.
l know we work together.

199
00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:03,394
But l think you're hot.

200
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:05,688
(BOTTLE BREAKlNG)

201
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,192
Let's go!

202
00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,194
l've never met
a man like you.

203
00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:14,363
You listen to what l say,

204
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,116
your body has known
the cleansing touch of soap.

205
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:20,077
Prithee, tell me
thou art not a Sodomite.

206
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:22,162
Nope. Not even
a Gomorrahian.

207
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:26,792
Oh, Temperance,
l've got an overpowering
urge to see you. . .

208
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:27,876
With your hat off!

209
00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:32,381
Hmm. l can't.
l must remember
my wedding vows.

210
00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:34,008
Did you promise
to be miserable?

211
00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:35,884
To be taken for granted
by a drunken lout?

212
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,012
Pretty much.
We wrote our own vows.

213
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,221
Enough talk!

214
00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,640
l need to see how
you look up there!

215
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,058
(GASPlNG)

216
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,019
l think my mother
had one of those.

217
00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:48,605
Ahh !

218
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:52,901
l'm finished !
And it's so suggestive.

219
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:56,405
But like they say,
"Snuggling sells!"

220
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:57,823
(CHUCKLlNG)

221
00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:00,409
Now, do l dare push "print"?

222
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:04,872
(MOANlNG)

223
00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:06,415
(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)

224
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:13,756
Well, what do you think?

225
00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:15,090
Hmm.

226
00:11:16,259 --> 00:11:19,011
l can't believe
Mom wrote a book
before we did !

227
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,929
And it's a little trashy.

228
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,807
Mom has expressed herself.
We should nurture her.

229
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:27,728
Let's kiss boys!
Binge and purge!
Rock and roll !

230
00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:29,855
You're not gettin'
out till we're 1 6.

231
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,482
(GROWLlNG)

232
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:35,986
l'm proud of you, Mom.

233
00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:38,864
But just one thing,
isn't your book
a little hard on Dad?

234
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:43,452
(NERVOUSLY)
What do you mean? My book
is set in whaling times.

235
00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:46,205
"Captain Mordecai
stared at the shop

236
00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:48,332
"window full of
powdered blow holes.

237
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:52,461
"Mmm !
Blow holes, he drooled."
Sounds like Dad to me.

238
00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:56,757
Well, l guess that part is
loosely based on your father.

239
00:11:56,841 --> 00:11:58,550
Maybe you should
let Dad read your book

240
00:11:58,635 --> 00:12:00,260
before you submit it
to publishers.

241
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:04,139
l suppose l better.
Your father's
a very private person.

242
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,309
Marge, we're out
of bath towels.

243
00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:09,353
(BELL JlNGLlNG)
Ooh ! lce-cream truck!

244
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:13,816
(SlNGlNG) Here in my car
I am hosing off bIood

245
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,985
Some of it's mine
but most of it's not

246
00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:18,654
Here's Marge

247
00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:20,948
Homie, l finished my novel.

248
00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:22,199
Whoa! Typed.

249
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:26,328
lt's really
important that you read it
and tell me what you think.

250
00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:27,913
No problem.

251
00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:30,374
Oh, 286 pages?

252
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:31,834
lt's double-spaced.

253
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,168
Woo-hoo!
l'm halfway through !

254
00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:35,838
All right, "Chapter 1 ."

255
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:37,172
Hmm. That makes sense.

256
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,259
"There once was
a girl from Nantucket."

257
00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,301
Good, good.

258
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,429
"Her name was
Temperance Barrows.

259
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:45,556
"And her heart was
heavy with feeling.

260
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:46,723
"She. . ."

261
00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:47,933
(SNORlNG)

262
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:53,856
No! Gotta read Marge's book!
Can't get distracted !

263
00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:56,442
"Distracted,"
that's a funny word.

264
00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:58,152
Does anyone
ever get "tracted"?

265
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,362
Let me call the suicide
hotline and ask 'em.

266
00:13:08,872 --> 00:13:10,622
Well?
Well, what?

267
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,374
Did you read the book?

268
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,504
Oh. Yes.

269
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,214
Did you like it?

270
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:23,844
l did.

271
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:28,515
Oh ! That's wonderful.
And the characters
didn't bother you at all?

272
00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:32,561
No. They were all,
in their own way,
totally awesome.

273
00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,355
And you're fine with me
trying to get it published?

274
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:37,733
As l've always said,
"Publish or perish."

275
00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:39,610
Oh, Homie!

276
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:45,782
HOMER: Now for that happy
period between the Iie and
the time it's found out.

277
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,284
(HOMER CHUCKLlNG)

278
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,286
(PHONE RlNGlNG)

279
00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:50,370
Hello.

280
00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:53,332
Marge. This is
the best first novel

281
00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,834
my assistant has
ever summarized for me.

282
00:13:55,919 --> 00:13:59,254
Now all we need
are some endorsements
from famous writers.

283
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:02,299
Here's your quote.

284
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,676
"Thomas Pynchon
loved this book

285
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:07,012
"almost as much
as he loves cameras."

286
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:13,644
Hey, over here!
Have your picture taken
with a reclusive author.

287
00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:17,606
Today only, we'll
throw in a free autograph.
But wait! There's more!

288
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,900
Hello, this is Tom Clancy.

289
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:23,195
Would l say,
"lf you're hunting
for a good read this October,

290
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:24,947
"Marge Simpson's
book is a clear

291
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,657
"and present danger
to your free time"?

292
00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:29,368
Hell, no, l wouldn't.
What do you mean
l just said it?

293
00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:31,954
lt doesn't count!
Hello? Hello?

294
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:38,585
lf Dad ever reads that book,
he's gonna be so humiliated.

295
00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:39,670
He'll never read it.

296
00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:41,088
What if they make it
into a movie?

297
00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:42,256
He'll never see it.

298
00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:44,925
What if they
parody it on MADtv?

299
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:46,802
We're doomed !

300
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:49,805
(SlREN WAlLlNG)
So how much
bleach did you drink?

301
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,641
Not a talker, eh?

302
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,191
l love this book, Marge.
Very psychological.

303
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:05,737
Dr. Marvin Monroe?
l haven't seen you in years!

304
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:07,823
Oh, l've been very sick.

305
00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:12,411
lf you ask me,
this book sounds
like Marge and Homer.

306
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,371
No one asked you.

307
00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:17,249
Think about it.
The boorish husband,
the neglected wife,

308
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:19,918
the sensitive
hunk down the road.
(GlGGLlNG)

309
00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:21,253
And on page 72,

310
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:24,298
Temperance's name
changes to Marge
for three paragraphs.

311
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,551
Can you believe Marge. . .

312
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,220
Homer doesn't know.

313
00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:31,888
Marge.

314
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:33,265
(ALL TALKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY)

315
00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:37,728
Can you believe
that Homer and Marge's
marriage is just a sham?

316
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:40,856
All right, l'll order.
l'll have a medium pepperoni.

317
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,441
And could you
space out the meat

318
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,401
so that it spells,
"Happy birthday, Moe."

319
00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:45,944
(SOBBlNG)

320
00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:47,529
Oh, God ! l'm alone!

321
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,197
(SlREN WAlLlNG)

322
00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:51,658
Apu, do you still
have Krazy Straws?

323
00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:52,993
l've got a guy
with a broken back

324
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:54,328
and l'm trying
to cheer him up.

325
00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:57,122
Oh, Mr. Homer,
anything for
a cuckolded boob.

326
00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:58,707
l mean, a loyal customer.

327
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:00,125
What are you talking about?

328
00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:01,209
Nothing, nothing.

329
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:05,088
lt just seems
your wife has
an active imagination.

330
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,090
Why do you keep
talking that way?

331
00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:10,218
You'll see when you
read your wife's book.

332
00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:12,304
Well, then maybe l will !

333
00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:17,809
lf you do, you'll see
she lusts for Flanders.

334
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:19,519
That one l got.

335
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:25,317
This is how you talk
when you learn English
from porno movies.

336
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:26,943
l'll have to
read Marge's book.

337
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:28,278
And l swore
never to read again

338
00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:30,530
after To KiII a Mockingbird
gave me

339
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,783
no useful advice
on killing mockingbirds!

340
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:34,326
lt did teach me
not to judge a man

341
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:35,869
based on the color
of his skin.

342
00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:37,746
But what good
does that do me?

343
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:40,082
(HOMER READlNG)

344
00:16:44,921 --> 00:16:47,381
ASHLEY: "The Harpooned Heart
by Marge Simpson."

345
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:48,507
Your turn, Mary-Kate.

346
00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,759
MARY-KATE: "There once
was a girI from Nantucket.

347
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,928
"Her name was
Temperance Barrows.

348
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:55,055
"And her heart was
heavy with feeIing."

349
00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:56,139
Take it, AshIey.

350
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:58,850
ASHLEY:
"Temperance was trapped
in a IoveIess marriage."

351
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:01,520
Bummer. l didn't know
peopIe were sad in the past.

352
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:06,775
"The Harpooned Heart Two.
Thunder Down Under. Chapter 1 .

353
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:10,946
"Temperance Barrows stared
at the shrimp on the barbie."

354
00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:13,949
How can you write
such horrible things
about me?

355
00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:15,867
You told me you liked it!

356
00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:19,454
You didn't read it at all !
You lied to me!

357
00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:22,624
l didn't lie. l was writing
fiction with my mouth.

358
00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:24,418
Just tell me how
much of this is true!

359
00:17:24,836 --> 00:17:27,337
Well, there is
a place called Nantucket.

360
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,880
l knew it! (SOBBlNG)

361
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,259
And what about the romance
between you and Cyrus?

362
00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:34,678
lt was only my imagination.

363
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:37,639
Well, l'll make sure
you never imagine
anything again !

364
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:38,890
(DOOR SLAMMlNG)

365
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:41,393
(BANGlNG ON DOOR)
HOMER: Flanders!

366
00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:43,145
Open this door, right now!

367
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,313
Well, l guess
it wouldn't kill me
to let you in.

368
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,858
(HOMER MUTTERlNG ANGRlLY)

369
00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:54,072
What are you doing here?

370
00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:55,741
Stealing doormats.

371
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:05,083
Dad's gonna catch Flanders,
just like the end
of Mom's book!

372
00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:06,835
Oh, yeah.
How does that go again?

373
00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:09,129
Ugh ! Didn't you read
Mom's book?

374
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,175
Fine! l'll tell you
how it ends.

375
00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:16,344
"The brutish Captain Mordecai
has cornered his rival,
Cyrus. . ."

376
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,013
Put that
harpoon down, Captain.

377
00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:20,849
You wouldn't kill the father
of your next child,
would you?

378
00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:22,851
Oops!
(GROWLlNG)

379
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,692
Temperance,
l'll treasure your memory
as long as l. . .

380
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:35,030
No, no! Not the new guy!

381
00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:37,574
(LAUGHlNG EVlLLY)

382
00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:39,493
Now that your
boyfriend's dead,

383
00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:43,163
l'm free
to be selfish, drunk,
emotionally distant,

384
00:18:43,414 --> 00:18:46,249
sexually ungenerous,
pissy, and. . .

385
00:18:46,334 --> 00:18:47,793
D'oh !

386
00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:51,213
MARGE: "As Temperance
watched the two men
she had loved

387
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:55,300
"and the one whale
she admired disappear
into the ocean,

388
00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:58,762
"she realized
it was the end."

389
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,515
(SlREN WAlLlNG)

390
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:04,726
Flanders, pull over!
l'm an ambulance!

391
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,394
Well, he's got me there.

392
00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:10,732
(PANTlNG)

393
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:24,412
Dear Lord,

394
00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:26,289
please make
Homer's blows precise

395
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:27,958
and deadly with
a minimum of pain.

396
00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:30,001
Oh ! And forgive me
for those impure thoughts

397
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,545
l had about the girl
on the raisin box.

398
00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:33,755
Flanders, l'm gonna
do something

399
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,674
l should've done
a long time ago!

400
00:19:41,472 --> 00:19:43,056
Would you help me
be a better husband?

401
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:44,182
Huh?

402
00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:47,978
ln Marge's book,
l was so mean
and you were so nice.

403
00:19:48,062 --> 00:19:51,439
How can l be more like you?
Just give me some advice.

404
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,608
Advice?

405
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:56,069
Just call me Ann Flanders.
Uh-huh.

406
00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:00,282
Oh, and another thing. . .

407
00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:03,368
Please! Homie,
don't hurt him !

408
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:05,829
And a backrub can
just be a backrub.

409
00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,914
lt doesn't have to
lead to adult situations.

410
00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:10,709
Why would
l rub her back unless
l wanted to get some. . .

411
00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:13,795
Oh, to make her feel good.

412
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:14,963
Oh, Homie.

413
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:18,300
You're trying to
improve yourself
and it's because of my book.

414
00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:20,510
That's right.
l love you, Marge.

415
00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:23,054
And l realize now l should
show you more often.

416
00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:25,348
The end of your book was
the wakeup call l needed

417
00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:28,143
after falling asleep
at the beginning
of your book.

418
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:31,396
That's the best review
l've gotten.

419
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,065
Seriously, these reviews
are terrible.

420
00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:36,735
Don't worry about
those losers, Marge.

421
00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:39,237
l think it's time
we went home

422
00:20:39,322 --> 00:20:42,866
and collaborated
on a little project
of our own.

423
00:20:43,326 --> 00:20:44,826
(CHUCKLlNG SUGGESTlVELY)

424
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:49,539
Marge, l got it all
figured out.

425
00:20:49,832 --> 00:20:53,960
Lee Harvey Oswald
wanted to steal
the Jack Ruby!

426
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:56,880
Jack Ruby was a man,
not a jewel.

427
00:20:57,048 --> 00:20:58,256
(GROANlNG)

428
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,302
All right.
We're back to square one.
Put on some coffee.

429
00:21:02,637 --> 00:21:03,845
(MARGE GROANlNG)

430
00:21:04,347 --> 00:21:05,430
l was so close.

431
00:21:58,609 --> 00:21:59,609
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