1
00:00:03,435 --> 00:00:05,671
Leonard, what time does
your mom's plane get in?

2
00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:07,039
I don't know--
some time tomorrow morning.

3
00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:08,941
Don't you want
to know for sure?

4
00:00:08,943 --> 00:00:11,643
No need to. As soon as she flies
into California airspace,

5
00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:13,512
I'll feel a disturbance
in the Force.

6
00:00:15,281 --> 00:00:17,282
It's so nice
both of your moms are coming in

7
00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:18,951
to see you guys get an award.

8
00:00:18,953 --> 00:00:22,121
Well, my mother's been there
for every honor I've won

9
00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:23,956
since I beat out my twin sister

10
00:00:23,958 --> 00:00:25,557
for the "did it
on the potty" trophy.

11
00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:28,694
How does this look?

12
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:31,030
Aw, it's so nice.
She's gonna love it.

13
00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:32,364
Sure, his mom gets roses.

14
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:33,665
When I want them,

15
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:36,368
they're a "bouquet of
severed plant genitals."

16
00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:38,904
You act like I didn't get you

17
00:00:38,906 --> 00:00:41,240
that mushroom log
on Valentine's Day.

18
00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:42,808
He's right.

19
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:46,245
Roses die, but a moist rotting
log will pump out mushrooms

20
00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:48,914
for two or three magical years.

21
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,916
You know,
your mom's never been

22
00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:50,916
too thrilled
with our relationship.

23
00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:54,053
Maybe I should get her something
so she warms up to me.

24
00:00:54,055 --> 00:00:55,721
If you could run
out and get a PhD,

25
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:58,090
that might make
her like you.

26
00:00:58,092 --> 00:01:01,527
Really?
It didn't work for you.

27
00:01:01,529 --> 00:01:03,028
Do you think
the moms will get along?

28
00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:04,830
Uh, I don't know.
They're pretty different.

29
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,698
Maybe they'll be best friends.

30
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:09,701
One of them is brilliant,
one is sweet and simple.

31
00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:12,571
Sound familiar?

32
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:16,075
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

33
00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:19,445
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

34
00:01:19,447 --> 00:01:21,013
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

35
00:01:21,015 --> 00:01:23,882
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

36
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:26,285
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪<i> We built the pyramids</i> ♪

37
00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:29,121
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

38
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:31,056
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

39
00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:32,658
♪<i> Bang!</i> ♪

40
00:01:38,531 --> 00:01:41,934
Shelly, I'm so proud of you and
Leonard for getting this award.

41
00:01:41,936 --> 00:01:43,802
Oh, thank you, Mother.

42
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:45,804
I tried to read your paper,
but it was very hard

43
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,106
for me to understand.

44
00:01:47,108 --> 00:01:49,108
Oh, it's quite
straightforward, actually.

45
00:01:49,110 --> 00:01:51,643
It describes a new model
of the universe

46
00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:54,079
that conceptualizes it
as the surface

47
00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:55,647
of an n-dimensional
superfluid.

48
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:56,648
Interesting.

49
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:57,983
You can believe that,

50
00:01:57,985 --> 00:02:02,154
but God filling an ark with
animals two-by-two is nonsense.

51
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:08,060
What did they feed
the lions, Mother?

52
00:02:08,062 --> 00:02:12,831
The floating bodies of
drowned sinners, of course.

53
00:02:15,935 --> 00:02:19,638
Listen, Leonard's mom is
a renowned psychiatrist

54
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,173
and woman of science.

55
00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:24,009
Can you please keep
the Bible babble to yourself

56
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,410
while she's here?

57
00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:27,179
Are you ashamed of me?

58
00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:30,449
Of course not.
I love you.

59
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:34,653
I'm just embarrassed by the
things you believe, do and say.

60
00:02:37,590 --> 00:02:40,259
Well, I love you, too.

61
00:02:41,427 --> 00:02:43,395
My little bowl
of lion chow.

62
00:02:46,132 --> 00:02:49,134
So, have you and Penny
set a wedding date?

63
00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:51,537
No, we're kind of
taking it slow.

64
00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:53,205
I see.

65
00:02:56,442 --> 00:02:57,976
What does that mean?

66
00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:01,046
You've been on and off with
this woman for seven years

67
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:02,548
and engaged for one year.

68
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:05,150
One has to wonder
if there's a problem.

69
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:08,287
Are you having
satisfactory intercourse?

70
00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:11,523
Yes, Mother.

71
00:03:13,893 --> 00:03:17,229
Only satisfactory.
I see.

72
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,200
I change my answer.

73
00:03:21,202 --> 00:03:22,801
It-it's amazing.
It's hot.

74
00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:26,371
We can barely keep our
hands off each other.

75
00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,807
Seems odd to try
and impress your mother

76
00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:32,211
with your
sexual prowess.

77
00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:36,381
But then, you always did have
that unresolved Oedipal complex.

78
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:38,383
See, this right here,
what you're doing,

79
00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:41,220
can you please not do that
around Sheldon's mom?

80
00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:44,590
Why? Are you attracted
to her, too?

81
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:46,191
Of course not.

82
00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:49,027
She's-she's just a very
sweet and God-fearing lady,

83
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:51,196
and you have to be
respectful of her beliefs.

84
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:52,598
Leonard, I'm an adult.

85
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,033
I know how to conduct myself
around people

86
00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:56,835
from different
walks of life.

87
00:03:56,837 --> 00:03:57,836
Thank you.

88
00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:58,837
Where is she from again?

89
00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:01,240
East Texas.
Ugh.

90
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,612
Hey, look who's here.

91
00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:10,582
Oh, Dr. Hofstadter,
it's so good to see you again.

92
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:11,783
Likewise.

93
00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:14,353
I read your paper;
it was very impressive.

94
00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:15,220
Oh, thank you.

95
00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:17,222
We just spent
two hours in traffic.

96
00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:20,459
Did you think to mention to me
that you liked our paper?

97
00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:22,894
Of course I did, but
it's a mother's job

98
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:25,464
to make sure her child's
self-esteem is not dependent

99
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:26,665
on anyone's approval.

100
00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:31,303
That's so sweet,
you think I have self-esteem.

101
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:35,240
Dr. Hofstadter, I want you
to meet my mother, Mary.

102
00:04:35,242 --> 00:04:36,475
So nice to meet you.

103
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:38,644
Nice to meet you, too.
How was your flight?

104
00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:40,312
Very pleasant. And yours?

105
00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:42,147
Lovely. Almost
as if someone--

106
00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:44,816
not saying who-- was
watching over the plane.

107
00:04:47,387 --> 00:04:49,288
You're kidding, right?

108
00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:53,659
Subtle, Mom,
real subtle.

109
00:04:59,932 --> 00:05:00,732
Stuart.

110
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:04,269
Morning.

111
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:06,004
We talked about this.

112
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,172
I don't mind you
still living here,

113
00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:08,740
but we got to have
some rules.

114
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,876
And rule number one is pants.

115
00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:15,647
Hey, hey.
(clears throat)

116
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,186
You must be very
proud of your son.

117
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:22,354
Oh, yes.

118
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:26,224
He recently argued a case
before the Supreme Court.

119
00:05:28,194 --> 00:05:30,095
He did?

120
00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:34,099
Oh, you mean this son.

121
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:37,469
Uh, sure,
he's terrific.

122
00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:40,872
Uh, Beverly, would you like
to see the math I worked out

123
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,374
to support our hypothesis?

124
00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:43,809
Uh, you mean,
<i>my</i> hypothesis.

125
00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:45,377
I hypothesized it
all by myself.

126
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:47,813
Calm down, dear.

127
00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,181
Mary, I'm curious.

128
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:50,215
When did you
first realize

129
00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:52,684
that your son had such
a remarkable mind?

130
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,686
Ooh, good question.

131
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:57,422
Everyone loves stories about
Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.

132
00:05:59,225 --> 00:06:01,226
Well, I would have to say
when he was 13

133
00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:04,329
and tried to build a nuclear
reactor in the tool shed.

134
00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:06,198
Ooh, this is a good one.

135
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,735
Now, the first thing you have
to know about Shelly is

136
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:11,203
ever since he was a little boy,

137
00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:14,773
he was always concerned
with the well-being of others.

138
00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:19,478
And he didn't think
that it was fair

139
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,480
for people to pay
for electricity,

140
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:24,549
so he was gonna power
the entire town for free.

141
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:25,984
(stammers)
Tell her about the uranium!

142
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:27,252
Tell her about
the uranium.

143
00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:29,087
Oh, well!

144
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:30,255
Oh, this is adorable.

145
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:33,692
When he arranged to get
some yellowcake from Chad,

146
00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:36,094
I thought he was talking
about Twinkies

147
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:37,829
from one of his friends.

148
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:38,830
Yeah.

149
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:40,232
But I wasn't.

150
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:43,001
'Cause I didn't
have any friends.

151
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,603
(laughs):
No.

152
00:06:45,938 --> 00:06:47,939
It turns out that this
little scallywag was trying

153
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,542
to use my Visa card
to buy uranium

154
00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:54,579
from an African warlord
in the country of Chad!

155
00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:58,917
Sounds like Sheldon
was a handful.

156
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,519
Oh, he was a handful.

157
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:03,422
I was a handful.

158
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:05,524
You still are.

159
00:07:08,728 --> 00:07:12,130
Uh, Mom, hey,
tell Mary the story

160
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:14,733
about how I made
a Van de Graaff generator

161
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:16,468
out of our vacuum cleaner.

162
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:17,536
All right.

163
00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:20,338
He broke the
vacuum cleaner.

164
00:07:22,475 --> 00:07:24,342
(video game sound effects
playing)

165
00:07:26,312 --> 00:07:29,314
I mean, for a while,
everything was vampires.

166
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:30,916
Now it's all zombies.

167
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:33,552
I wonder what the next
monster fad will be.

168
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:36,154
We haven't had a good
invisible man in a while.

169
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,890
Clearly, you've never seen me
try to talk to a woman.

170
00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:42,327
Guys.

171
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,729
In the time you've been sitting
here playing video games,

172
00:07:44,731 --> 00:07:46,731
I got the car washed,
picked up cleaning supplies

173
00:07:46,733 --> 00:07:48,099
and went to the bank.

174
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:50,836
I put on pants.

175
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,904
Kiss-ass.

176
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:58,076
Okay, I don't know when
I became the mother

177
00:07:58,078 --> 00:07:59,344
to three lazy teenagers,

178
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:00,579
but it stops today.

179
00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:03,148
You guys are cleaning
the kitchen, top to bottom.

180
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:05,851
Hey, I don't even live here.

181
00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:08,787
Yes or no, do you have clothes
in my laundry right now?

182
00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:11,223
I do.

183
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:13,592
And some of it's wool,

184
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,494
so dry flat if possible.

185
00:08:18,097 --> 00:08:20,499
Oh, and here's a picture
of me receiving

186
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,200
my bachelor of science degree.

187
00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:24,469
You don't look
very happy.

188
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:27,172
Well, I had just begun puberty.

189
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,840
(sighs)

190
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:31,109
It was figuratively
and literally

191
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:33,545
one of the hairiest moments
of my life.

192
00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:36,815
Shelly does not like change.

193
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:38,216
Oh, true.

194
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:40,218
But all the clenching
in the world will not keep

195
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,354
testicles in your abdomen.

196
00:08:43,823 --> 00:08:46,391
Hey, sorry,
got caught up at work.

197
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:47,392
Hi, Beverly!

198
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:48,460
Hello.
(giggles)

199
00:08:48,462 --> 00:08:50,629
Oh, okay.

200
00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:51,630
(chuckles)

201
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:52,697
Sorry, I forgot.

202
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,299
You remember my mother.

203
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:55,300
Oh, yes. Hi, Mary!

204
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:57,302
Good to see you
again, dear.

205
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:59,070
Ah, yeah, now that's
what I'm talking about.

206
00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:03,341
So, Mom, you haven't seen Penny
since we got engaged.

207
00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:05,343
Oh, yeah, let me
show you the ring.

208
00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:06,511
Oh, lovely.

209
00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:08,580
Must have been
very expensive.

210
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:09,581
Oh, no, not at all.

211
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:11,750
No, we, uh, found
a place online

212
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:14,653
that, uh, repurposes
diamond drill bits.

213
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:19,190
We did not. That's not true.

214
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:22,594
Can I speak to you alone
for a second?

215
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:23,929
Oh, sure.

216
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:25,931
It came from Tiffany's.
(chuckles)

217
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:27,365
You mean the box, right?

218
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:28,633
Keep walking!

219
00:09:31,604 --> 00:09:35,607
Really doesn't matter to me
how much he spent on the ring.

220
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,576
I think.

221
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:40,111
Did I misspeak
about the ring?

222
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:42,080
Yes, and we'll get
back to that.

223
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,915
But, uh, even with
your mother here,

224
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:47,719
you are deliberately hogging
all the attention from my mom.

225
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:49,454
You're like one of those
elephant seal pups

226
00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:52,123
that steals the milk
from two mothers!

227
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,526
Do you mean
what marine biologists

228
00:09:54,528 --> 00:09:57,128
refer to as "super weaning"?

229
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:59,831
Yes, you are a super weaner!

230
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:05,103
Well, now I have to correct you.

231
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,939
A-As a bit
of an elephant seal buff,

232
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,608
the more accurate
comparison

233
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,710
would be when two mother seals

234
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,878
actively seek
to nourish the same pup.

235
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:16,114
So I believe the term
you're looking for

236
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:19,884
is a double mother suckler.

237
00:10:19,886 --> 00:10:22,120
Yeah, you're right.

238
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,822
That is the term
I'm looking for.

239
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:27,192
You are a dirty double
mother suckler!

240
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,163
Okay, well, now that we have the
terminology straightened out.

241
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,299
How dare you!

242
00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:37,469
We're not in a rush.

243
00:10:37,471 --> 00:10:39,237
We'll set a date when
the time is right.

244
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:40,739
It doesn't matter, sweetie.

245
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,240
The moment a man lays
with a woman,

246
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:44,442
they are married
in the eyes of the Lord.

247
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:45,577
Uch.

248
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:52,617
"Uch"?

249
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:54,419
The bible is "uch" to you?

250
00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:55,520
No, I'm sorry.

251
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:56,821
That was inappropriate.

252
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,457
As a psychiatrist,
I know how important

253
00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:01,660
people's superstitions
can be to them.

254
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:06,464
You want to talk
about superstitions?

255
00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:08,366
Sheldon sent me
the books you wrote--

256
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,669
all that nonsense
about superegos and ids.

257
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:14,339
What bull dropped that
on the barn floor?

258
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:17,208
His name is Sigmund Freud.

259
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:18,510
Hey, look at that!

260
00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:21,713
You both believe in
Jewish bearded guys.

261
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,715
Stay out of this.

262
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:25,684
Mm-hmm.

263
00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:27,719
At least the bearded man
that I believe in

264
00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:29,988
preaches love and compassion.

265
00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:31,389
All yours
talks about is

266
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:32,824
why you hold in your poop

267
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:35,794
and want to crawl back
inside your mama.

268
00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:39,998
It's fascinating.

269
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,567
How can someone
as enlightened as Sheldon

270
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:45,737
come from someone like you?

271
00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:47,305
I know the answer.

272
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:48,573
You're not gonna like it.

273
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:50,909
Try me.

274
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:53,411
When I was pregnant with Shelly,
I was driving to church,

275
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:54,713
and I was praying
to the Lord

276
00:11:54,715 --> 00:11:58,883
to give me a son smarter
than his dumb-ass daddy.

277
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:03,154
And I looked over
and I saw a Jesus bobblehead

278
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:06,491
in the Subaru next to me
nodding yes.

279
00:12:13,532 --> 00:12:15,233
What is that supposed to mean?

280
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:19,437
It means... I can't believe
we're having this conversation.

281
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:20,605
Well, do it some more.

282
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:23,908
Maybe you can knock
some sense into yourself.

283
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:26,277
Why don't we all stops
hitting ourselves

284
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,946
and talk about something
safe, you know,

285
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:32,350
like shoes or how cute
little Chinese babies are.

286
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:33,852
It is not my fault
that your mother likes me

287
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:35,720
better than she likes you!
Oh, don't flatter yourself!

288
00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:38,757
She likes everybody
better than she likes me!

289
00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:46,931
How old is this Jell-O?

290
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:51,002
Well, it's carrots,
so gonna say very.

291
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,572
Sorry we have to do this.

292
00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:56,274
Bernadette's not wrong.

293
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,143
She does work hard around here.

294
00:12:58,145 --> 00:12:59,544
Yeah, maybe it's a good thing

295
00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:01,246
if she stops
babying you so much.

296
00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:03,381
She doesn't baby me.

297
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,884
I saw her pull you home
in a wagon.

298
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:08,153
For your information,

299
00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:11,990
I twisted my ankle
chasing the ice cream truck.

300
00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:14,726
Face it, dude, Bernadette
treats you the same way

301
00:13:14,728 --> 00:13:17,996
your mother used to, and that
was not a healthy relationship.

302
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:21,800
You're right.
(chuckles)

303
00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:23,101
It's time for me

304
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:27,305
to act like an adult
in this marriage.

305
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:31,543
Starting with my husbandly duty
of taking out the trash.

306
00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:40,552
Bernie, I made a mess!

307
00:13:43,522 --> 00:13:46,691
I'm terribly sorry
that I upset your mother.

308
00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:48,526
Oh, it's all right.
She'll forgive you.

309
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:51,663
She has to or
she goes to hell.

310
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:55,967
I can't help but notice

311
00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:58,870
how her unconditional
love for you

312
00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:02,507
is diametrically opposed
to my own parenting strategies.

313
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:05,476
Well, you doled
out affection

314
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:08,213
as a reward for
achievement--

315
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,515
a proven way to
raise a child.

316
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:13,051
Or train a rat.

317
00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:14,953
But look how well
you turned out.

318
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:19,457
I'd feign modesty at this point,
but who would believe me?

319
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:21,159
Still, you need
to consider

320
00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:23,728
how successful Leonard's
brother and sister are.

321
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:25,730
I suppose.

322
00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:29,834
While my brother and sister
are mouth-breathing idiots.

323
00:14:29,836 --> 00:14:32,804
Do you suppose
you would've flourished more

324
00:14:32,806 --> 00:14:34,305
in a reward-based environment?

325
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,708
Perhaps.

326
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:39,677
But my mom made me spaghetti
with chopped-up hot dogs

327
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:42,413
whenever I wanted,
so who cares?

328
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:48,319
Not once did my mother ever
give me any love or affection

329
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,421
for just being myself;
I always had to earn it.

330
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:51,522
Oh, Leonard,

331
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,992
I'm sure she loves you
very much.

332
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:57,595
In her own cold godless way.

333
00:14:57,597 --> 00:15:01,432
Yeah, and you certainly don't
have to earn my love.

334
00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:02,667
Thank you.

335
00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:03,935
Of course,
you already knew that

336
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:07,872
when you bought me
this princess-cut drill bit.

337
00:15:07,874 --> 00:15:09,941
That's not what it is.

338
00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:11,776
I know, I know.

339
00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:14,012
(imitates drill buzzing)

340
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:16,781
When your mom gets back,
I'm gonna need

341
00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:18,917
to apologize for the way
I spoke to her.

342
00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:20,885
Well, come on now,
she did kind of start it.

343
00:15:20,887 --> 00:15:23,721
Doesn't matter; a good Christian
would've turned the other cheek.

344
00:15:23,723 --> 00:15:24,889
On the other hand,

345
00:15:24,891 --> 00:15:27,659
a good Texan
would've shot her, so...

346
00:15:30,362 --> 00:15:33,097
I just kind of
split the difference.

347
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:36,134
Hey, who's in the mood
for spaghetti and hot dogs?

348
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:37,568
Oh, me!
Yeah, me, too!

349
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:39,637
Coming up.

350
00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:42,807
I don't really
feel I deserve it.

351
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:47,312
That was a big
sticky mess,

352
00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:49,080
but... I think I got it.

353
00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:50,148
Looks good.
Yeah.

354
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,050
Look at that.

355
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,885
You cleaned it up
all by yourself.

356
00:15:53,887 --> 00:15:57,088
Yes, I cleaned it up
all by myself.

357
00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,890
Honestly, I don't know
why you complain so...

358
00:16:00,759 --> 00:16:02,226
Okay, maybe I missed one spot.

359
00:16:08,834 --> 00:16:10,868
Just leave.

360
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,440
I'm so glad
that you and I were able

361
00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:17,475
to bury the hatchet.
Me, too.

362
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,811
And I respect your right
to your beliefs.

363
00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,980
And I will
pray for you.

364
00:16:24,016 --> 00:16:26,417
Okay, Mom, let's get you
back to your hotel

365
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:27,852
before anyone says
anything else.

366
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:29,187
BEVERLY:
One moment.

367
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:31,956
There's something
I need to say to you.

368
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,692
Oh, really? That's too bad.

369
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:38,296
Leonard, I always
made you earn my affection,

370
00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:39,831
but today I realize

371
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:42,700
that there's more than one way
to raise a child.

372
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:45,870
I taught her that!

373
00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:47,372
BEVERLY:
Therefore, I would like

374
00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:51,109
to initiate a new protocol
wherein I...

375
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:54,445
shower you
with unconditional love.

376
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,981
Wow.

377
00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:58,349
When does that start?

378
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,386
So needy.

379
00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:08,059
Come to Mommy.

380
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,396
It's okay, go ahead.

381
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,973
Oh, my son.

382
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,910
Oh, my mother.

383
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:28,212
Oh, my God.

384
00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:40,391
(whistling
"It's a Hard-Knock Life")

385
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,130
(humming along)

386
00:17:51,670 --> 00:17:54,939
♪ It's a hard-knock life ♪

387
00:17:56,675 --> 00:17:59,677
♪ It's the hard-knock life
for us ♪

388
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:03,281
♪ It's the hard-knock
life for us ♪

389
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:06,184
♪ 'Stead of treated,
we get tricked ♪

390
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:09,554
♪ 'Stead of kisses,
we get kicked ♪

391
00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:12,056
♪ It's the hard-knock life ♪

392
00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:15,193
♪ Got no folks to speak of so ♪

393
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:18,529
♪ It's the hard-knock row
we hoe ♪

394
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:20,932
♪ Cotton blankets...
'stead of wool ♪

395
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:22,133
♪ Empty bellies...
'stead of full ♪

396
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:25,203
♪ It's a hard-knock life. ♪