1
00:00:00,207 --> 00:00:04,247
For God's sake,
you bloody Yanks are all the same.

2
00:00:04,328 --> 00:00:08,162
You walk round like you're John Wayne
then leave us to clean up your mess.

3
00:00:08,888 --> 00:00:11,767
I've got three embassies baying for blood.

4
00:00:11,849 --> 00:00:15,728
I've got two dead diplomats
and a partridge in a bloody pear tree.

5
00:00:15,809 --> 00:00:18,802
Whitehall's running around
like a bunch of headless chickens.

6
00:00:18,890 --> 00:00:22,280
What exactly am I supposed to tell
the Prime Minister?

7
00:00:28,211 --> 00:00:30,247
Tell him Uncle Sam's in town.

8
00:00:31,692 --> 00:00:35,241
And we'll cut there, thank you.
Check the gate, we're moving on.

9
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:43,074



10
00:00:56,775 --> 00:00:59,688
Sarge, those lads keep saying,
"Afternoon, Cont-stable,"

11
00:00:59,776 --> 00:01:03,735
but making it sound like you know what.
What'll I do to them? Can I hit them?

12
00:01:03,816 --> 00:01:05,693
If I was a real copper, though,

13
00:01:05,776 --> 00:01:08,416
I'd get ready like that. I would and I'd have...

14
00:01:08,497 --> 00:01:11,455
It's all right, it's only hairspray.
I like my prisoners to look good.

15
00:01:11,537 --> 00:01:14,974
Excuse me. Can I just say I thought
you were really brilliant in that scene?

16
00:01:15,058 --> 00:01:18,209
Thank you. I didn't really do anything,
I just had to hold this folder.

17
00:01:18,298 --> 00:01:21,291
Which you did brilliantly.
Didn't drop it or anything.

18
00:01:21,379 --> 00:01:24,416
Well, you know, that's three years
of drama school for you.

19
00:01:28,700 --> 00:01:31,976
- Sorry, I'm Maggie by the way.
- Dan.

20
00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:34,218
- Hi, Dan.
- Hi, Maggie.

21
00:01:35,501 --> 00:01:37,253
Look, I can't really talk now. I have to...

22
00:01:37,341 --> 00:01:41,300
Oh, no, sorry. You go and do your thing.
So, I just wanted to say that.

23
00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:42,971
Thanks.

24
00:01:43,062 --> 00:01:44,495
- Bye.
- See you.

25
00:01:45,822 --> 00:01:46,891
What?

26
00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,736
- What? Nothing. Just a normal conversation.
- Stop it.

27
00:01:49,823 --> 00:01:52,656
He just held the file well,
that's all you wanted to say to him.

28
00:01:52,743 --> 00:01:55,211
- Shut your face. Going to put my pumps on.
- Don't leave me.

29
00:01:55,304 --> 00:01:58,057
- Why?
- What if one of them talks to me?

30
00:01:59,144 --> 00:02:01,863
- Well, they're only human.
- He's not.

31
00:02:01,984 --> 00:02:03,498
(MAGGIE LAUGHING)

32
00:02:03,585 --> 00:02:06,463
- Just two minutes, right?
- Hurry up.

33
00:02:24,228 --> 00:02:25,900
- Quite incredible, eh?
- Huh?

34
00:02:25,988 --> 00:02:29,583
- Mr Samuel L. Jackson in our midst.
- No, I'm not Sam Jackson.

35
00:02:29,668 --> 00:02:32,308
I can see your confusion. We look alike.
But...

36
00:02:34,789 --> 00:02:37,782
I've hit gold, eh?
I've found the joker in the pack.

37
00:02:37,870 --> 00:02:39,303
I don't know about that.

38
00:02:39,390 --> 00:02:41,779
No, I tell you what, seriously,
that is great, that is mate.

39
00:02:41,870 --> 00:02:44,590
That is brilliant.
That's a gift that is, the gift of laughter.

40
00:02:44,671 --> 00:02:46,548
- You remind me of a mate of mine.
- Yeah?

41
00:02:46,631 --> 00:02:48,781
Pete Shepherd.
Used to run the launderers near me.

42
00:02:48,871 --> 00:02:51,545
- God, we used to have a laugh together.
- Did you?

43
00:02:51,632 --> 00:02:53,668
He'd have me in hysterics
every time I saw him.

44
00:02:53,752 --> 00:02:58,031
He was a Chelsea fan, I supported Spurs and
when we met, we'd have a chat and laugh.

45
00:02:58,113 --> 00:03:01,992
- Yeah. Why are you telling me this?
- We'd have a chat and laugh every time.

46
00:03:02,073 --> 00:03:03,711
- Good.
- One day, a couple of kids,

47
00:03:03,793 --> 00:03:06,911
they were messing around in his shop,
and they chucked bleach in his eyes

48
00:03:06,994 --> 00:03:08,871
and they blinded him.

49
00:03:12,715 --> 00:03:14,865
I went to visit him in the hospital.

50
00:03:15,755 --> 00:03:21,114
Tears were coming out of his bandaged,
frazzled, useless eyes.

51
00:03:22,596 --> 00:03:24,109
And he went...

52
00:03:25,236 --> 00:03:27,467
"I don't think I'll ever laugh again."

53
00:03:28,837 --> 00:03:30,475
- You know what?
- No.

54
00:03:31,437 --> 00:03:33,190
I don't think he has.

55
00:03:34,678 --> 00:03:37,146
I stopped going to visit him in the end,
to be honest.

56
00:03:37,238 --> 00:03:39,992
- That cheer him up?
- Got too depressing, you know.

57
00:03:40,079 --> 00:03:42,832
I only used to hang out with him
because he was a laugh.

58
00:03:42,919 --> 00:03:45,479
But, he just got boring.

59
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,074
He was miserable blind.
That's not my cup of tea.

60
00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,394
- "My eyes, my eyes..."
- Andy.

61
00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:54,120
- Sorry to interrupt.
- No, please don't apologise.

62
00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:56,351
I need someone to do a few lines
sometime next week,

63
00:03:56,441 --> 00:03:59,399
probably not until Tuesday,
it's an officer in an ID parade.

64
00:03:59,481 --> 00:04:01,996
- Interested in that?
- I don't mind.

65
00:04:02,082 --> 00:04:06,360
Hang on, I was already seen. I was on
the desk when Sam Jackson walked past.

66
00:04:06,442 --> 00:04:08,638
Yeah? No, I can't use you then. Sorry, mate.

67
00:04:08,723 --> 00:04:10,873
- Need someone who hasn't been seen.
- He hasn't been seen.

68
00:04:10,963 --> 00:04:12,601
- I haven't been seen.
- You fancy that?

69
00:04:12,683 --> 00:04:14,560
Sam Jackson comes in,
you're joking around with him

70
00:04:14,643 --> 00:04:17,238
and you go, "Ten to one
he's going to pick Sergeant Harris again."

71
00:04:17,324 --> 00:04:19,599
- With Sam Jackson?
- Yeah, you want to have a stab at that?

72
00:04:19,684 --> 00:04:20,833
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

73
00:04:20,924 --> 00:04:23,393
- I'll let you know when. It won't be today.
- Okay.

74
00:04:23,485 --> 00:04:25,203
- Cheers.
- All right.

75
00:04:26,805 --> 00:04:31,243
Oh, bloody hell.
A line with Sam Jackson. Cheers for that.

76
00:04:31,926 --> 00:04:35,635
- I owe you one.
- Hey, a favour's a favour. Don't worry.

77
00:04:35,727 --> 00:04:38,525
- Just take me out one night.
- What?

78
00:04:39,367 --> 00:04:41,517
Take me out, on the town, one night.

79
00:04:59,290 --> 00:05:01,360
Let's go and eat on the other bus.

80
00:05:01,450 --> 00:05:04,124
- Why?
- Nothing, no reason. Don't need a reason.

81
00:05:04,211 --> 00:05:06,964
Just let's do something
out of the ordinary once in a while.

82
00:05:07,051 --> 00:05:10,248
- Yeah, all right.
- Bit of a break from the old routine.

83
00:05:12,852 --> 00:05:15,605
Whoa. Where are you going?
You can't come on here, it's actors only.

84
00:05:15,692 --> 00:05:18,127
- I am an actor.
- No, you're background.

85
00:05:18,213 --> 00:05:21,683
- Your bus is over there. This is for actors.
- I am an actor.

86
00:05:21,773 --> 00:05:23,923
No, your voucher is green,
that means you're background.

87
00:05:24,013 --> 00:05:27,768
Okay. So you're judging my entire career
on the colour of my voucher?

88
00:05:27,854 --> 00:05:30,846
No, I'm sure you've had major roles
in other things.

89
00:05:30,934 --> 00:05:32,527
- He hasn't.
- Shut up.

90
00:05:32,615 --> 00:05:34,606
- I can't let you on here. Okay?
- Sure.

91
00:05:34,695 --> 00:05:38,085
There's no one on, though. Can I just
eat here and go? I'll be five minutes.

92
00:05:38,175 --> 00:05:39,609
- I can't allow it.
- No?

93
00:05:39,696 --> 00:05:41,414
You can't come on here.

94
00:05:41,496 --> 00:05:44,488
You've got a perfectly good bus over there.
This bus is for actual actors.

95
00:05:44,576 --> 00:05:46,010
Yeah, don't know why I asked!

96
00:05:46,097 --> 00:05:49,214
Mental! As if I could go on a bus
meant for other people.

97
00:05:49,297 --> 00:05:52,016
- I don't really know him. Can I come on?
- No.

98
00:05:52,778 --> 00:05:54,006
Okay.

99
00:05:55,378 --> 00:05:56,493
Pig.

100
00:06:14,221 --> 00:06:15,210
Hiya.

101
00:06:15,301 --> 00:06:16,814
- Got any more jokes?
- I haven't. No.

102
00:06:16,901 --> 00:06:18,698
- Come on, eh?
- I...

103
00:06:19,821 --> 00:06:21,574
What's ET short for?

104
00:06:21,662 --> 00:06:23,971
- Don't know.
- He's only got little legs.

105
00:06:25,462 --> 00:06:27,260
- My uncle was like you.
- Was he?

106
00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:31,336
A very funny guy.
Not towards the end, though.

107
00:06:31,423 --> 00:06:34,257
Not so much to laugh about towards the end.

108
00:06:34,344 --> 00:06:36,653
Lost both his legs, you see. Thrombosis.

109
00:06:37,344 --> 00:06:40,893
There was very little to laugh about
when he knew he was stuck downstairs.

110
00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:45,661
No legs and he could hear his wife upstairs
with another man having it off.

111
00:06:48,065 --> 00:06:51,581
Despite the morphine,
he could still hear her up there.

112
00:06:51,666 --> 00:06:52,940
At it.

113
00:06:53,986 --> 00:06:56,740
They reckon he died of a broken heart
in the end.

114
00:06:58,147 --> 00:07:01,344
Still, it's a wonderful gift that.

115
00:07:03,308 --> 00:07:04,707
Laughter.

116
00:07:06,228 --> 00:07:08,537
Yeah. The gift that keeps on giving.

117
00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:12,258
I've got to go and slash my wrists.
I'll see you later, all right?

118
00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:14,658
Hey, what are you doing
on Saturday afternoon?

119
00:07:14,749 --> 00:07:15,784
Why?

120
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:19,863
I thought you could come round my place,
couple of lads, open a couple of cans.

121
00:07:19,950 --> 00:07:23,182
I got a new DVD. Do you know what it is?

122
00:07:23,271 --> 00:07:24,704
Vera Drake.

123
00:07:26,831 --> 00:07:30,222
Tempting. I've got to watch the game.

124
00:07:30,312 --> 00:07:32,872
It's Chelsea-Man U. So, see you later.

125
00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:35,068
When are we gonna go for that night out?

126
00:07:36,192 --> 00:07:38,912
- What?
- I know a lovely little restaurant.

127
00:07:38,993 --> 00:07:42,747
You said shall we go for an evening out
and I didn't say no.

128
00:07:42,833 --> 00:07:44,870
- Are you going back on your promise?
- It's not a promise.

129
00:07:44,954 --> 00:07:47,422
- It was.
- You did me a favour, which I thank you for,

130
00:07:47,514 --> 00:07:50,985
but I don't think it warrants
a whole evening out, a candlelit meal.

131
00:07:51,075 --> 00:07:53,987
- What's wrong with going for a meal?
- Nothing. But a bit weird.

132
00:07:54,075 --> 00:07:56,384
What's weird about a couple of mates
having a meal together?

133
00:07:56,475 --> 00:07:59,627
- We're not really friends...
- But that's how we'll become friends.

134
00:07:59,716 --> 00:08:02,150
I go out for meals with people
that are already friends.

135
00:08:02,236 --> 00:08:05,354
I don't go up to people and go,
"All right, mate. I don't know you from Adam

136
00:08:05,437 --> 00:08:07,473
"but do you want to go
to Butlins for the weekend?

137
00:08:07,557 --> 00:08:09,912
"You might be a mental case
but let's find out." It's mad.

138
00:08:09,997 --> 00:08:11,749
- Do you know what I mean?
- No.

139
00:08:11,838 --> 00:08:13,556
What you...

140
00:08:13,638 --> 00:08:15,037
Oh!

141
00:08:21,319 --> 00:08:22,911
- Hi.
- Hello.

142
00:08:24,439 --> 00:08:26,908
- Hi. It's Maggie.
- Yeah, Dan.

143
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,033
- Hi again.
- Yeah.

144
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,150
So how long
have you been in this lark, then?

145
00:08:34,241 --> 00:08:37,597
I've only been acting for a couple of years.
Done a couple of plays.

146
00:08:37,681 --> 00:08:40,150
I'd like to do more films
but they're hard to come by.

147
00:08:40,242 --> 00:08:42,995
- So, I'm just trying to get into TV.
- Sure.

148
00:08:43,082 --> 00:08:46,119
To be honest, there's not a lot
of black faces needed on television.

149
00:08:46,202 --> 00:08:47,716
No.

150
00:08:47,803 --> 00:08:49,919
- Crimewatch.
- What?

151
00:08:50,003 --> 00:08:53,473
The reconstructions on Crimewatch.
They always need black actors.

152
00:08:54,964 --> 00:08:58,923
Or white actors.
They need black actors and white actors.

153
00:08:59,004 --> 00:09:01,803
Depending on who's committed the crime
that day.

154
00:09:01,885 --> 00:09:04,604
I mean, there's criminals, black criminals.

155
00:09:04,685 --> 00:09:08,156
Certainly there's white criminals
as well as black criminals.

156
00:09:08,926 --> 00:09:12,441
Oh, God!
I've just remembered I've got to go...

157
00:09:13,326 --> 00:09:16,717
Yeah, what was that again? It was the...
It was a bag.

158
00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:18,923
Yes, I'll see you later.

159
00:09:23,928 --> 00:09:26,647
Why don't you just tell him
you don't want to be his friend?

160
00:09:26,728 --> 00:09:29,197
It's too damning.
You can't say that to someone.

161
00:09:29,289 --> 00:09:32,406
That is saying that you fundamentally
have a problem with their personality.

162
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,128
- What are you gonna do?
- The only honourable thing I can do.

163
00:09:35,209 --> 00:09:37,360
- What?
- Add him to the long list of people

164
00:09:37,450 --> 00:09:40,283
that I have to avoid for the rest of my life.

165
00:09:41,250 --> 00:09:43,003
You can never have that time back.

166
00:09:43,091 --> 00:09:46,766
I sat through a whole evening of
Comic Relief once because I was...

167
00:09:46,851 --> 00:09:48,364
Sorry, excuse me.

168
00:09:48,451 --> 00:09:49,965
- Are you an actress in this film?
- Yeah.

169
00:09:50,052 --> 00:09:51,690
- You can't come on here.
- Sorry?

170
00:09:51,772 --> 00:09:56,209
You can't come on here. This bus is for
supporting artists and you're an actress.

171
00:09:56,292 --> 00:09:59,171
- What are you talking about?
- You've got your own bus there.

172
00:09:59,253 --> 00:10:01,244
And we've got our own bus.
I'm not allowed on yours,

173
00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:04,849
you're not allowed on mine,
but you can come on. On you go.

174
00:10:06,014 --> 00:10:07,845
- No.
- This is pathetic.

175
00:10:07,934 --> 00:10:10,733
I know. It is pathetic, isn't it?
But you can't come on.

176
00:10:10,815 --> 00:10:13,534
- Get out the way.
- Look, I don't make the rules here.

177
00:10:13,615 --> 00:10:16,175
- You're a child.
- Yeah, well, that's as may be.

178
00:10:16,855 --> 00:10:21,008
We'll stick to our own, you stick to your own
and then we're all happy.

179
00:10:30,057 --> 00:10:31,730
- He doesn't think you're a racist.
- He does.

180
00:10:31,818 --> 00:10:34,935
He's just seen me say to a black woman,
"You're not allowed to sit on this bus."

181
00:10:35,018 --> 00:10:37,452
It's like that whole racism
on a bus incident all over again.

182
00:10:37,538 --> 00:10:41,168
- The Rosa Parks incident?
- It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus.

183
00:10:41,979 --> 00:10:43,173
Sure.

184
00:10:43,259 --> 00:10:46,252
He doesn't think you're a racist.
And even if he does, which he doesn't,

185
00:10:46,340 --> 00:10:48,376
he's wrong because you're not.
Don't worry about it.

186
00:10:48,460 --> 00:10:53,410
But what if I am and I don't know it?
What if subconsciously, I'm a little bit racist?

187
00:10:55,101 --> 00:10:58,776
- Well, there is that test I can give you.
- What test?

188
00:10:58,861 --> 00:11:01,535
The racism test. The one they give you
when you join the council

189
00:11:01,622 --> 00:11:03,931
- to make sure you're not racist.
- I've never heard of it.

190
00:11:04,022 --> 00:11:06,742
- Do you want to do it? Just 10 questions.
- Go on, then.

191
00:11:06,823 --> 00:11:09,974
Right, you've got to answer
just totally honestly, okay?

192
00:11:11,703 --> 00:11:16,061
Just relax, you've got nothing to
worry about unless you are a racist.

193
00:11:16,144 --> 00:11:19,978
Question one is who would you
rather see with their shirt off?

194
00:11:20,064 --> 00:11:22,021
Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald?

195
00:11:22,105 --> 00:11:24,300
- Brad Pitt, obviously.
- Obviously.

196
00:11:26,225 --> 00:11:29,024
- What?
- No, I can't say anything till the end.

197
00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:31,939
Right, question two.
This is about racial awareness.

198
00:11:32,026 --> 00:11:34,939
'Cause often you catch out a real racist
because they don't know

199
00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:37,336
or care about any black issues.

200
00:11:37,427 --> 00:11:39,736
Who's the Prime Minister of Great Britain?

201
00:11:39,827 --> 00:11:41,056
- Tony Blair.
- Correct.

202
00:11:41,148 --> 00:11:43,582
Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia?

203
00:11:48,069 --> 00:11:49,627
I don't know.

204
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,825
You knew the white one. Okay, good.

205
00:11:52,509 --> 00:11:54,864
Oh, dear. Who is the Queen of England?

206
00:11:54,950 --> 00:11:56,588
- Queen Elizabeth II.
- Correct.

207
00:11:56,670 --> 00:11:58,740
Who is the President of Djibouti?

208
00:11:59,830 --> 00:12:03,221
This is ridiculous.
I've never even heard of blooming Djibouti.

209
00:12:03,311 --> 00:12:06,064
Please do not ridicule
the totally valid African language.

210
00:12:06,151 --> 00:12:07,869
Right, next question.

211
00:12:07,951 --> 00:12:11,069
Who would you rather have waiting for you
when you got home tonight?

212
00:12:11,152 --> 00:12:13,302
Johnny Depp or OJ Simpson?

213
00:12:14,592 --> 00:12:17,551
- Johnny Depp because of the murder thing.
- Because of the murder thing?

214
00:12:17,633 --> 00:12:19,749
I think you'll find
that Mr OJ Simpson was acquitted

215
00:12:19,833 --> 00:12:21,903
but in your eyes 'cause he's black,
he's still guilty.

216
00:12:21,993 --> 00:12:25,066
- People still think he is guilty.
- Racist people still think he's guilty.

217
00:12:25,154 --> 00:12:27,270
- I'm not a racist.
- I'm just going by the test.

218
00:12:27,354 --> 00:12:29,709
I'm trying to get off with a black person.

219
00:12:29,794 --> 00:12:32,229
Yes, but according to you,
you wouldn't want him waiting for you

220
00:12:32,315 --> 00:12:33,907
in your house when you got home tonight.

221
00:12:33,995 --> 00:12:36,145
Only because I would go,
"How did you get in here?"

222
00:12:36,235 --> 00:12:39,387
Now he's breaking and entering as well.
Fascist.

223
00:12:39,476 --> 00:12:41,831
Right, I'm going to go and ask him out now.

224
00:12:41,916 --> 00:12:43,349
- Hold on.
- Watch.

225
00:12:43,436 --> 00:12:46,474
Tell him you had a hate rating of 9.8,
one more than Hitler.

226
00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:48,548
Watch, I'm going now.

227
00:12:51,718 --> 00:12:53,310
He said yes.

228
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:56,708
He is so lovely and totally amazing
and I'm going out for a drink with him.

229
00:12:56,798 --> 00:12:57,993
- When?
- Tonight.

230
00:12:58,079 --> 00:13:00,798
- Well done.
- I'm a wee bit nervous about this date.

231
00:13:00,879 --> 00:13:02,597
Racist.

232
00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:04,716
- Did you get my plate?
- No.

233
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,313
You left it.

234
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,518
ANDY: Quick!

235
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:15,431
Oh, very cool. It'd be funny
if you were squashed like that, wouldn't it?

236
00:13:17,761 --> 00:13:20,674
Would you rather die of the cold
or die of the heat?

237
00:13:21,162 --> 00:13:24,552
Would you rather be trapped in a freezer
or trapped in a microwave?

238
00:13:24,642 --> 00:13:27,840
- How would you get trapped in a microwave?
- Hiya.

239
00:13:27,923 --> 00:13:29,197
- You going to the station?
- No.

240
00:13:29,283 --> 00:13:30,841
- Going back into town?
- No.

241
00:13:30,923 --> 00:13:33,154
- Where you going, then?
- We're just...

242
00:13:34,164 --> 00:13:36,200
We're going in here.

243
00:13:37,524 --> 00:13:39,435
- Really?
- Yeah.

244
00:13:39,524 --> 00:13:41,004
- So...
- Why?

245
00:13:41,885 --> 00:13:44,001
- We're going to visit his mum's grave.
- Yes.

246
00:13:44,085 --> 00:13:45,643
Taking her some flowers and stuff.

247
00:13:45,725 --> 00:13:48,524
- You haven't got any flowers.
- Not taking her some flowers.

248
00:13:48,606 --> 00:13:51,643
Collecting the dead flowers
from all the other visits.

249
00:13:52,446 --> 00:13:54,756
That's a bit of a coincidence, isn't it?

250
00:13:54,847 --> 00:13:58,601
She's buried in the graveyard
next to the studio we're working at.

251
00:13:58,687 --> 00:14:02,078
- Handy. That's why we're going.
- We'll see you later.

252
00:14:02,168 --> 00:14:04,124
Do you mind if I come with you?

253
00:14:04,208 --> 00:14:06,244
Why would I? Come on.

254
00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:21,563
You don't have to wait around. I'll be about
half an hour and I get quite emotional so...

255
00:14:21,651 --> 00:14:24,882
That's all right, that's not a worry.
That's not a problem, mate. No.

256
00:14:24,971 --> 00:14:28,088
I've spent a lot of time by graves.
I'm used to it.

257
00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:30,163
You take your time. Enjoy.

258
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,642
Yeah. Which one is it anyway?

259
00:14:33,732 --> 00:14:35,211
- Which one?
- That one.

260
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:37,602
- That one.
- The one with the...

261
00:14:37,973 --> 00:14:39,326
Yeah.

262
00:14:40,133 --> 00:14:43,683
- There she is.
- Rebecca Leibovitch.

263
00:14:43,774 --> 00:14:45,253
Mum.

264
00:14:45,334 --> 00:14:47,643
Sounds Jewish.
I didn't know you were Jewish.

265
00:14:47,734 --> 00:14:49,487
Didn't you? Oy!

266
00:14:49,975 --> 00:14:51,806
Yeah, oy.

267
00:14:53,135 --> 00:14:55,854
Good God, died in 1953.

268
00:14:56,936 --> 00:14:58,927
How old does that make you, then?

269
00:15:00,096 --> 00:15:03,213
- At least 52. 52.
- You're 52?

270
00:15:03,297 --> 00:15:05,492
- Don't look it one bit.
- No, thanks.

271
00:15:05,577 --> 00:15:07,215
Hard to believe, isn't it?

272
00:15:07,297 --> 00:15:11,530
Just like it's hard to believe that we were
just passing my dead mother's grave...

273
00:15:11,618 --> 00:15:13,927
who is Jewish.

274
00:15:14,018 --> 00:15:16,293
She was born in 1893.

275
00:15:16,378 --> 00:15:19,018
So she died when she was 60.

276
00:15:20,259 --> 00:15:21,817
In childbirth.

277
00:15:21,899 --> 00:15:25,336
They warned her. They said,
"Becky, you cannot have a kid at your age."

278
00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:27,854
- But old Ma Leibovitch didn't listen.
- No.

279
00:15:27,940 --> 00:15:30,659
- And here I am, 52 and Jewish.
- Yeah.

280
00:15:32,141 --> 00:15:34,416
- Okay.
- Why did you change your surname, then?

281
00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:37,573
Fed up with the persecution.
The usual story, isn't it?

282
00:15:37,661 --> 00:15:40,813
Enough is enough, proud race and religion.

283
00:15:41,662 --> 00:15:43,254
- Is your dad round here?
- No.

284
00:15:43,342 --> 00:15:44,855
He's still alive.

285
00:15:44,942 --> 00:15:46,262
- Really?
- Apparently.

286
00:15:46,343 --> 00:15:48,573
- How old is he, then?
- 100.

287
00:15:48,663 --> 00:15:51,302
- He's doing well though for 100.
- Yeah.

288
00:15:53,104 --> 00:15:56,460
Do you like taking the mickey out of me?
This fun for you, is it?

289
00:15:56,544 --> 00:15:57,897
What?

290
00:15:57,984 --> 00:16:00,135
That is not your mother's grave.

291
00:16:01,465 --> 00:16:03,774
- Oh, no!
- And I don't think you're Jewish.

292
00:16:03,865 --> 00:16:06,778
- No she pointed to that...
- Why do you keep lying to me?

293
00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:08,618
- I don't keep lying to you.
- Yes, you do.

294
00:16:08,706 --> 00:16:11,095
You said that we were going to go
for a nice meal.

295
00:16:11,186 --> 00:16:14,657
Then you went back on that.
Do you think I haven't got any feelings?

296
00:16:14,747 --> 00:16:18,023
I know you've got feelings. Which is why
I thought I would avoid the issue.

297
00:16:18,107 --> 00:16:20,906
I don't want to go for a meal with someone...

298
00:16:20,988 --> 00:16:23,707
You won't go for a meal with me
because you hate me.

299
00:16:23,788 --> 00:16:25,426
- I don't hate you.
- You hate me so much

300
00:16:25,508 --> 00:16:29,582
that you can't bear to sit opposite me, have
a nibble on a bit of food in my company.

301
00:16:29,669 --> 00:16:33,218
- I could have a meal with you.
- I know, I'm not the joker of the pack.

302
00:16:33,309 --> 00:16:36,541
- That's nothing to do with it.
- All right, I might not be able to do that.

303
00:16:36,630 --> 00:16:39,747
I'm reliable.
If I say I'll be somewhere, I'm there.

304
00:16:39,830 --> 00:16:42,061
I know. I'm quite happy
to have a meal with you.

305
00:16:42,151 --> 00:16:43,982
You're just saying that now because...

306
00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:46,107
- No, I'd like to have a meal with you.
- When?

307
00:16:46,191 --> 00:16:47,510
- Any time.
- Tonight?

308
00:16:47,591 --> 00:16:48,991
- Not tonight.
- See what I mean?

309
00:16:49,072 --> 00:16:50,505
Okay, tonight.

310
00:16:50,592 --> 00:16:53,743
Tonight will be fine.
Let's have a meal tonight, okay?

311
00:16:53,832 --> 00:16:55,585
I'm looking forward to it.

312
00:16:58,753 --> 00:17:01,028
Aw... poor... Oh, no. Come on.

313
00:17:05,834 --> 00:17:09,145
Louise, 13. Karen, 10.

314
00:17:10,755 --> 00:17:13,428
Haven't seen either of them in three months.

315
00:17:14,675 --> 00:17:17,713
Word of advice, never get married.

316
00:17:19,516 --> 00:17:21,552
And if you do get married,

317
00:17:21,636 --> 00:17:24,709
don't let your wife
go to the greengrocer's on her own.

318
00:17:25,557 --> 00:17:27,115
- Right?
- Right.

319
00:17:27,917 --> 00:17:32,469
She was going out three, four times a week.
Getting fresh fruit and veg.

320
00:17:33,758 --> 00:17:36,556
I said to her,
"Why don't we do one big shop?"

321
00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:41,035
No, she wasn't having that.
She was always down there.

322
00:17:42,919 --> 00:17:44,831
I got suspicious, you know.

323
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:48,515
My wife's going out
8:00 at night to buy cauliflower.

324
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:54,596
Right, then. What we having?

325
00:17:56,361 --> 00:17:59,320
- Shall I order us some champagne?
- No, it's not appropriate.

326
00:17:59,402 --> 00:18:03,190
We'll have a lager. We'll have a lager each,
down it and go home and watch telly.

327
00:18:03,282 --> 00:18:05,080
In our separate homes.

328
00:18:06,923 --> 00:18:10,393
- I don't... What are you going to have?
- I don't know.

329
00:18:11,764 --> 00:18:14,278
Cor, I just can't decide.

330
00:18:14,404 --> 00:18:16,759
- What a tragic couple we are.
- We're not a couple.

331
00:18:16,844 --> 00:18:20,201
His wife left him and I'm out shagging,
regular as clockwork.

332
00:18:28,606 --> 00:18:31,074
(THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THIS PLAYING)

333
00:18:41,008 --> 00:18:42,407
(CHATTING)

334
00:18:48,129 --> 00:18:53,329
There's this stallion of a horse, right,
being brought on to set,

335
00:18:53,410 --> 00:18:57,801
and whose got to ride it? Me. Okay. All right.

336
00:18:57,890 --> 00:19:01,247
So, okay, I can't go out like a chump.
So I big up my chest

337
00:19:01,331 --> 00:19:03,083
and I'm going to ride this horse.

338
00:19:03,171 --> 00:19:06,083
- I get on the horse...
- Got to go to the toilet.

339
00:19:06,931 --> 00:19:08,445
Yeah, sure, yeah.

340
00:19:12,052 --> 00:19:14,442
- What you got there?
- Nothing.

341
00:19:14,533 --> 00:19:17,001
- No, you've got something. What is it?
- No, it's fine.

342
00:19:17,093 --> 00:19:18,606
- Let me see.
- It's nothing.

343
00:19:18,693 --> 00:19:20,968
Come on, let me see. What you got?

344
00:19:24,974 --> 00:19:26,692
It's just a golliwog... toy.

345
00:19:27,414 --> 00:19:29,007
- A golly toy.
- A what?

346
00:19:29,815 --> 00:19:31,294
A golly toy.

347
00:19:31,375 --> 00:19:36,166
Don't worry about that, though.
I mean, I have had Sambo... San... Sinbad

348
00:19:36,256 --> 00:19:39,692
since I was about six or seven.
He's been in the family for years.

349
00:19:39,776 --> 00:19:42,769
So, I mean, that's harmless.
I think, if I was a racist,

350
00:19:42,857 --> 00:19:45,246
I wouldn't be about to do
what we were about to do.

351
00:19:45,337 --> 00:19:49,775
Not that I know what we were about to do,
but whatever you want to do I'm up for it.

352
00:19:49,858 --> 00:19:52,133
- Why were you trying to hide it?
- I wasn't hiding it.

353
00:19:52,218 --> 00:19:55,813
I was putting it there because it puts me off.
Well, it doesn't put me off.

354
00:19:55,898 --> 00:19:59,050
I was putting them altogether,
all the toys together.

355
00:19:59,139 --> 00:20:01,209
Because all the toys are equal.

356
00:20:01,299 --> 00:20:03,689
(PUPPET VOICE) Hello. How are you?

357
00:20:03,780 --> 00:20:07,773
Hello, there... Hello, there. How are you?

358
00:20:07,860 --> 00:20:11,854
I'm fine. I'm not a racist.
In fact, I think I fancy you.

359
00:20:11,941 --> 00:20:13,579
Oh! Oh!

360
00:20:15,541 --> 00:20:17,419
(PUPPETS MOANING)

361
00:20:27,343 --> 00:20:30,016
- I think I'm going to shoot off.
- No, really?

362
00:20:30,103 --> 00:20:31,332
- Yeah.
- Sorry.

363
00:20:31,424 --> 00:20:34,655
No, it's totally cool. I just think
the black thing's getting in the way here.

364
00:20:34,744 --> 00:20:35,859
No, it's not.

365
00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:38,061
Don't worry, I don't think
you're a racist or anything.

366
00:20:38,145 --> 00:20:40,534
I just think that it's on your mind
and you can't get past it.

367
00:20:40,625 --> 00:20:43,378
So, you know, we should just relax
and rewind things a bit.

368
00:20:43,465 --> 00:20:46,503
Okay. Look, can I just say something?

369
00:20:46,586 --> 00:20:50,101
The black thing, it's not an issue.
I hardly notice it, really.

370
00:20:50,186 --> 00:20:53,259
Maggie, it's fine. It's cool.
Let's do something next week, shall we?

371
00:20:53,347 --> 00:20:55,065
- We'll go out Friday.
- Yes.

372
00:20:55,147 --> 00:20:56,785
- Dinner, dancing?
- Definitely.

373
00:20:56,867 --> 00:21:00,258
I love dancing, me. Are you a good dancer?

374
00:21:00,348 --> 00:21:03,658
Not that there's any reason
why you should be a good dancer.

375
00:21:04,588 --> 00:21:07,467
I have to... I'm going to go.
I'll speak to you tomorrow.

376
00:21:07,549 --> 00:21:10,666
- Yeah. Okay.
- All right, see you.

377
00:21:10,749 --> 00:21:12,626
- See you. Okay.
- Bye.

378
00:21:12,709 --> 00:21:15,065
Thanks again for the wine and everything.

379
00:21:15,150 --> 00:21:16,583
- Okay, bye.
- See you.

380
00:21:17,350 --> 00:21:19,580
(DOOR CLOSING)

381
00:21:21,551 --> 00:21:23,143
Oh!

382
00:21:24,231 --> 00:21:27,668
- This is delicious. Try that.
- No, what are you doing?

383
00:21:30,432 --> 00:21:33,071
- Jesus, listen to that.
- What?

384
00:21:33,753 --> 00:21:36,313
That big... fat hippo.

385
00:21:37,393 --> 00:21:39,031
(SLURPING)

386
00:21:39,353 --> 00:21:40,867
Listen to this, right.

387
00:21:41,514 --> 00:21:44,074
Nothing. I'm two feet away.
Now, listen to him.

388
00:21:44,994 --> 00:21:45,983
(SLURPING)

389
00:21:46,074 --> 00:21:48,543
Oh! He's driving me mental.

390
00:21:51,475 --> 00:21:54,387
You really are Mr Grumpy Boots tonight,
aren't you?

391
00:21:57,556 --> 00:22:01,469
I can't do this, sorry.
I can't go through with this.

392
00:22:03,277 --> 00:22:05,154
I am so fed up.

393
00:22:05,237 --> 00:22:07,307
I'm 43 years old

394
00:22:07,397 --> 00:22:10,435
and most people my age
are out with their wives or their girlfriends.

395
00:22:10,518 --> 00:22:13,590
I'm sat here having dinner
with another middle-aged man...

396
00:22:14,238 --> 00:22:17,948
because I felt sorry for you.
And don't take this the wrong way,

397
00:22:18,039 --> 00:22:20,633
I looked at you and I thought,
"What a pathetic loser."

398
00:22:20,719 --> 00:22:23,234
And I took pity on you and that's why I came.

399
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:25,356
I'm worse off than you in many ways.

400
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:29,639
I'm lower on the chain than you.
How do you think that makes me feel?

401
00:22:31,641 --> 00:22:34,917
And I'm not having a go at you
because I know you're a nice bloke.

402
00:22:35,001 --> 00:22:38,915
But, I've got to go, mate,
because I'm actually depressed.

403
00:22:39,802 --> 00:22:43,796
Wait, I understand.
I know what you're saying.

404
00:22:45,203 --> 00:22:46,318
Look...

405
00:22:47,483 --> 00:22:51,193
I got you this as a surprise.
I was going to give it to you later

406
00:22:51,284 --> 00:22:54,117
- but you may as well have it now.
- What is it?

407
00:22:56,364 --> 00:22:57,718
That...

408
00:22:59,165 --> 00:23:03,920
is two tickets for the Ben Elton musical,
We Will Rock You.

409
00:23:19,968 --> 00:23:22,163
What are you doing?

410
00:23:34,290 --> 00:23:36,360
Oh! Hm...

411
00:23:44,131 --> 00:23:45,962
See you later.

412
00:23:46,692 --> 00:23:48,171
Cheers.

413
00:24:00,894 --> 00:24:03,044
I've really had it with all this. I am so fed up.

414
00:24:03,134 --> 00:24:04,931
- It'll be all right.
- What will?

415
00:24:05,014 --> 00:24:08,166
People always say that.
What'll be all right? When will it be all right?

416
00:24:08,255 --> 00:24:12,089
- I'm 43. I've got nothing.
- No, listen, things are looking up.

417
00:24:12,175 --> 00:24:15,452
You've got a line
with Samuel L. Jackson, haven't you?

418
00:24:15,536 --> 00:24:20,166
- It's a start. Please, don't be like this.
- Oh, it's just...

419
00:24:20,256 --> 00:24:24,091
It's just after last night, I was...
How was your evening? Any better?

420
00:24:24,857 --> 00:24:26,336
Word of advice.

421
00:24:26,417 --> 00:24:29,057
If you get the most amazing,
gorgeous, good looking black guy

422
00:24:29,138 --> 00:24:32,733
in the world back at your house,
don't leave your golliwog lying around.

423
00:24:32,818 --> 00:24:34,536
That's remarkable advice, cheers.

424
00:24:34,618 --> 00:24:37,258
Then he caught me trying to hide it
which made matters worse.

425
00:24:37,339 --> 00:24:39,091
Why did you try and hide it?

426
00:24:39,179 --> 00:24:43,298
I didn't want to offend him. And he was right
'cause the black thing was on my mind.

427
00:24:43,380 --> 00:24:46,770
I didn't know whether to talk about
black things or not talk about black things.

428
00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:49,534
I ended up talking about
what I thought he wanted to hear.

429
00:24:49,621 --> 00:24:52,499
Don't pander to him just because he's black.

430
00:24:52,581 --> 00:24:55,300
- Lf he says, "I like reggae," and you don't...
- Which I don't.

431
00:24:55,381 --> 00:24:57,179
...then say you don't.

432
00:24:57,262 --> 00:25:00,254
It's not being racist. It's having an opinion.

433
00:25:00,342 --> 00:25:04,655
- I'll go and have a wee word with him now.
- Aye, go and have a wee word with him.

434
00:25:08,503 --> 00:25:10,096
- Hi.
- Hey.

435
00:25:10,184 --> 00:25:12,493
- Can I have a quick word?
- Yes, of course.

436
00:25:12,584 --> 00:25:15,018
I just wanted to say that I hate reggae.

437
00:25:15,744 --> 00:25:17,463
- Sorry?
- I hate reggae, I hate it.

438
00:25:17,545 --> 00:25:22,096
It's slow, everything sounds the same,
it's boring, I can't be doing with it.

439
00:25:22,185 --> 00:25:23,584
What do you think?

440
00:25:23,665 --> 00:25:25,975
- I don't particularly like reggae, either.
- Right.

441
00:25:26,066 --> 00:25:28,216
Well, even if you did like it,
I would still hate it.

442
00:25:28,306 --> 00:25:30,774
- What sort of music do you like?
- Well, I like jazz.

443
00:25:30,867 --> 00:25:32,858
I hate jazz. I hate it.

444
00:25:32,947 --> 00:25:35,905
In fact, do you know
who I really hate in jazz?

445
00:25:35,987 --> 00:25:39,185
You know that big fat black man?
Him with the big fat puffed out cheeks

446
00:25:39,268 --> 00:25:42,624
and his bulging out eyes and everything,
he's like trumpet man.

447
00:25:42,708 --> 00:25:45,382
- Sasquatch...
- Satchmo. Louis Armstrong.

448
00:25:46,549 --> 00:25:48,699
- Oh, yeah. Hi.
- Hi.

449
00:25:49,149 --> 00:25:51,983
- Do you hate all jazz?
- Yeah, that's just my opinion.

450
00:25:52,070 --> 00:25:54,584
It's not based on anything else
other than the music

451
00:25:54,670 --> 00:25:58,299
because I hate anybody doing it,
you know, like black or white.

452
00:25:58,390 --> 00:26:01,701
Sorry, we were just having
a conversation about music.

453
00:26:01,791 --> 00:26:03,702
Obviously, she doesn't hate jazz.

454
00:26:03,791 --> 00:26:06,704
Yes, I do, but I like
lots of other things, white or black.

455
00:26:06,792 --> 00:26:10,831
- I like you, for example. I think you're great.
- Thank you.

456
00:26:10,912 --> 00:26:15,543
I don't normally watch films more than once,
but I thought The Matrix, I loved it.

457
00:26:15,633 --> 00:26:18,386
- It was amazing.
- Yes, it's a good film.

458
00:26:18,473 --> 00:26:21,864
- Good film, that's all she's saying.
- And you were brilliant in it.

459
00:26:23,074 --> 00:26:25,110
I wasn't in that one.

460
00:26:25,194 --> 00:26:26,913
- Wasn't in it.
- Yeah, you were.

461
00:26:26,995 --> 00:26:28,667
- He should know.
- You were in The Matrix.

462
00:26:28,755 --> 00:26:30,154
- He was the main one.
- No.

463
00:26:30,235 --> 00:26:33,511
No, I can assure you I was not in The Matrix
but Laurence Fishburne was.

464
00:26:33,596 --> 00:26:36,156
- That's why you're confused.
- I know what you're thinking.

465
00:26:36,236 --> 00:26:38,466
She doesn't think you all look alike.

466
00:26:39,356 --> 00:26:42,110
If that's... what you were thinking.

467
00:26:42,197 --> 00:26:46,236
No, I'm just saying she doesn't...
She's not racist.

468
00:26:46,317 --> 00:26:48,434
- No, sir.
- No way, she's not a racist.

469
00:26:48,518 --> 00:26:52,306
In fact, she's been trying to get a black guy
to shag her for a few weeks so...

470
00:26:52,398 --> 00:26:53,751
That one.

471
00:26:53,838 --> 00:26:57,593
Specifically. But, I mean, it's open to all.
Not all, I mean, you... definitely.

472
00:26:57,679 --> 00:26:59,556
I know you're married

473
00:26:59,639 --> 00:27:03,030
but, if you wanted to,
you could be up her like a rat up a drainpipe.

474
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:09,993
Yeah. Okay.

475
00:27:15,121 --> 00:27:16,635
Pulp Fiction.

476
00:27:20,042 --> 00:27:23,080
- Are we ready for the next shot?
- Yeah, are we ready yet?

477
00:27:23,923 --> 00:27:27,393
Why are they keeping him waiting...?

478
00:27:30,444 --> 00:27:32,435
- Can I see you about...
- Yeah, we're off. We're off.

479
00:27:32,524 --> 00:27:35,755
Yeah, but we can't because you've got
the line with Samuel L. Jackson.

480
00:27:35,844 --> 00:27:38,723
I haven't, that's the point.
I haven't got a line with Samuel L. Jackson

481
00:27:38,805 --> 00:27:41,035
because the line "Right up a drainpipe".

482
00:27:42,285 --> 00:27:44,356
Okay, well, cheers, everyone. Thanks.

483
00:27:45,166 --> 00:27:46,679
That's my hat there.

484
00:27:46,766 --> 00:27:49,724
ANDY: Yeah, that's it.
Another good day being friends with you.

485
00:27:50,305 --> 00:27:56,479
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