1
00:00:00,175 --> 00:00:02,690
What's on your mind? Seriously, talk to me.

2
00:00:03,576 --> 00:00:05,692
Why am I not getting any acting roles?

3
00:00:06,457 --> 00:00:08,493
I've been thinking about this.
I'm glad you brought it up.

4
00:00:08,577 --> 00:00:10,489
I've got a feeling it could be your shape.

5
00:00:10,578 --> 00:00:14,287
It is a very unusual shape and I'm not sure
who would be looking for it.

6
00:00:14,378 --> 00:00:17,576
- Could you maybe do a bit more exercise?
- Could you maybe do a bit more work?

7
00:00:17,659 --> 00:00:21,539
- I don't know...
- We can banter all we like but, I mean,

8
00:00:21,620 --> 00:00:25,660
if you insist on remaining, you know, a blob,

9
00:00:25,741 --> 00:00:28,495
could you maybe at least get a tan?

10
00:00:28,582 --> 00:00:31,051
They're looking for a fat bloke
with a tan, are they?

11
00:00:31,143 --> 00:00:34,692
What's that for?
Oliver Stone's story of Buddha?

12
00:00:34,783 --> 00:00:38,857
Before I get up and walk out of here,
possibly forever,

13
00:00:38,944 --> 00:00:42,654
- have you got anything for me at all?
- Loads of stuff.

14
00:00:42,745 --> 00:00:47,821
Do you fancy panto in Guildford
with Les Dennis?

15
00:00:47,907 --> 00:00:49,135
No.

16
00:00:52,668 --> 00:00:54,386
- What, that's it?
- Yeah.

17
00:00:55,028 --> 00:00:58,180
- You said there was loads of stuff.
- I thought you'd go with that one.

18
00:01:01,390 --> 00:01:03,187
What's the role?

19
00:01:03,270 --> 00:01:05,990
It is the part of the Genie in Aladdin.

20
00:01:06,071 --> 00:01:08,540
They're happy with a fat bloke for that,
are they?

21
00:01:09,352 --> 00:01:11,070
With a tan ideally.

22
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:19,074
Shop this shows fashion, download the 
"LookLive" app in iTunes

23
00:01:34,598 --> 00:01:37,193
I promise you,
listen, I've done a panto before.

24
00:01:37,279 --> 00:01:40,431
- Ah! Andy Millman, this is Les Dennis.
- Hi. I know who you are.

25
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:41,748
- Good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

26
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:44,878
- Andy is playing our Genie.
- Oh, no, really?

27
00:01:44,961 --> 00:01:46,189
Yeah.

28
00:01:46,281 --> 00:01:48,591
- Could Chris Biggins not do it?
- He was busy.

29
00:01:48,682 --> 00:01:50,195
- Biggins was busy?
- Yeah.

30
00:01:50,282 --> 00:01:52,273
That's a nightmare.

31
00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:54,274
What about John Thomson off Cold Feet?

32
00:01:54,363 --> 00:01:57,913
Well, he was available but he screwed up
the audition. He was very nervous.

33
00:01:58,004 --> 00:01:59,483
Yeah, he can get nervous. That's a shame.

34
00:01:59,564 --> 00:02:01,681
Sorry, can I just say,
if you're interested in a famous face,

35
00:02:01,765 --> 00:02:03,517
I represent Barry from EastEnders.

36
00:02:03,605 --> 00:02:06,120
Not for this part though, no.
It's too late, isn't it?

37
00:02:06,206 --> 00:02:07,764
This part's taken, innit?

38
00:02:07,846 --> 00:02:09,997
What about Jono Coleman?
I thought he was up for it.

39
00:02:10,087 --> 00:02:14,240
Yes, but since he did Celebrity Fit Club
he's... Well, he's just not fat enough.

40
00:02:15,648 --> 00:02:18,004
I've got Barry on the phone now,
if you're interested...

41
00:02:18,089 --> 00:02:19,920
No point, is there? No, the vacancy's filled.

42
00:02:20,009 --> 00:02:22,399
Remember you took
12 and a half percent, ring any bells?

43
00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:24,242
Sorry, Barry.

44
00:02:24,330 --> 00:02:26,287
No one on the list was available, then?

45
00:02:26,371 --> 00:02:30,809
No, and in the end we were running out
of time and we just got desperate so...

46
00:02:33,492 --> 00:02:35,643
(MAGIC PLAYING)

47
00:02:57,818 --> 00:02:59,457
Fantastic!

48
00:03:01,619 --> 00:03:03,019
- LES: Andy.
- Hi.

49
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:05,330
- Can I introduce this gorgeous creature?
- Hello.

50
00:03:05,420 --> 00:03:07,252
- This is Simone.
- Hi.

51
00:03:07,341 --> 00:03:10,414
Show him your ring. Engagement ring.
Cost an arm and a leg.

52
00:03:10,502 --> 00:03:14,381
Didn't want you seeing her and thinking,
"Who's that stunner? I'll make her mine."

53
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:16,977
- Hands off, she's taken.
- Silly.

54
00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:21,134
SIMONE: I'm going to have to
get going, sweetheart. See you later.

55
00:03:21,224 --> 00:03:22,977
- Nice to meet you.
- See you later.

56
00:03:23,065 --> 00:03:25,898
Bye. Bye, darling.

57
00:03:30,706 --> 00:03:32,140
Save it for later.

58
00:03:37,348 --> 00:03:40,978
Eh? We asked 100 people,
"Which comedian is going to land on his feet

59
00:03:41,069 --> 00:03:43,105
"and get his end away
with an absolute cracker?"

60
00:03:43,190 --> 00:03:46,944
You said, "Les Dennis," our survey said,
"Ding, top answer!" Jammy bastard.

61
00:03:47,030 --> 00:03:49,306
Yeah, well done.

62
00:03:49,391 --> 00:03:52,509
Still, it's about time I had
a bit of good luck, isn't it?

63
00:03:55,392 --> 00:03:57,748
The stuff that's happened to me,
been in the papers.

64
00:03:57,833 --> 00:03:59,904
- I don't know.
- You do.

65
00:03:59,994 --> 00:04:02,269
- Did you watch me on Celebrity Big Brother?
- It was good.

66
00:04:02,354 --> 00:04:05,631
Might have been entertaining for you,
but I was at my lowest ebb.

67
00:04:05,715 --> 00:04:08,230
The shit that was flying around
before I went in.

68
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:12,071
I remember I was sitting there one day
thinking, "What's the point, eh?

69
00:04:12,157 --> 00:04:14,148
"What is the point?"

70
00:04:14,237 --> 00:04:18,516
And... l've never really
told anybody this before.

71
00:04:18,598 --> 00:04:20,157
Okay.

72
00:04:20,239 --> 00:04:22,116
- I even considered suicide.
- Oh!

73
00:04:22,199 --> 00:04:24,430
Yeah, actually thinking
I'm going to end it all.

74
00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:27,751
I'm thinking, "I'll do it here, live on telly.
That will show them."

75
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:31,675
And as I was thinking about it,
Melinda Messenger came in, lovely girl.

76
00:04:31,761 --> 00:04:34,560
- She was chatting away.
- Took your mind off it?

77
00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:38,522
Yeah, I was looking at her tits. Lovely.

78
00:04:39,083 --> 00:04:43,362
And I was thinking, "Come on, Les,
look at them. Life is worth living after all."

79
00:04:43,444 --> 00:04:46,562
I mean, I'd seen them loads of times
in the papers and on the telly,

80
00:04:46,645 --> 00:04:48,397
but when you're face to face with them...

81
00:04:48,485 --> 00:04:51,398
- Live.
...you go, "Yeah, well done."

82
00:04:51,486 --> 00:04:54,445
Yeah, that's a lovely story.

83
00:04:56,007 --> 00:04:56,997
(TELEPHONE RINGING)

84
00:04:58,368 --> 00:04:59,642
MAN: Hello, Heat Magazine.

85
00:04:59,728 --> 00:05:03,324
Yeah, hi. Do you deal with
the Celebrity Spotted section?

86
00:05:03,409 --> 00:05:06,846
- Can do, yeah. Why, who have you seen?
- Well, I just spotted Les Dennis,

87
00:05:06,930 --> 00:05:09,399
the comedian and impressionist
and actor Les Dennis.

88
00:05:09,491 --> 00:05:11,880
I just spotted him
shopping in New Bond Street.

89
00:05:11,971 --> 00:05:14,281
Doubt he can afford much around there,
can he?

90
00:05:14,372 --> 00:05:16,044
Well he can because I just saw him

91
00:05:16,132 --> 00:05:18,931
and he was spending
a fucking shit load of cash, all right?

92
00:05:19,013 --> 00:05:21,733
So put that in. Make sure you put that in.

93
00:05:23,014 --> 00:05:24,242
(KNOCKING)

94
00:05:24,334 --> 00:05:25,654
- Hello.
- Hiya.

95
00:05:25,735 --> 00:05:27,726
I just wanted to introduce you
to my friend Maggie.

96
00:05:27,815 --> 00:05:30,046
- Hello, Maggie.
- Hello, pleased to meet you.

97
00:05:30,136 --> 00:05:33,572
Nice to meet you, too. What are you doing
with this reprobate? You two an item?

98
00:05:33,657 --> 00:05:35,727
- Oh, Christ, no.
- All right.

99
00:05:35,817 --> 00:05:39,413
No, I'm just here visiting him.
It's the first time he's treaded the boards.

100
00:05:39,498 --> 00:05:42,297
Oh, well, theatre. The stories I could tell you.

101
00:05:42,379 --> 00:05:46,453
It's where it all started for me,
up and down the country. Great to be back.

102
00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:49,008
Things have changed a bit, mind.

103
00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:52,411
There was a time when I wouldn't have had
to share a dressing room.

104
00:05:53,341 --> 00:05:55,902
Back in the day I'd have had
two dressing rooms if I'd wanted.

105
00:05:56,142 --> 00:05:59,692
One for me, one for all the cards
and flowers from all the well-wishers.

106
00:05:59,783 --> 00:06:02,344
Little presents and things they sent me.

107
00:06:04,384 --> 00:06:07,422
Don't need a whole dressing room
for those three, do you?

108
00:06:10,546 --> 00:06:11,615
No.

109
00:06:16,827 --> 00:06:18,705
What were you doing?
You said you had to...

110
00:06:18,788 --> 00:06:20,824
- What?
- You were about to do something.

111
00:06:20,908 --> 00:06:23,628
Yeah, I've got to go to the post office.

112
00:06:24,629 --> 00:06:27,906
- See you later.
- Yeah, it was really nice to meet you, bye.

113
00:06:27,990 --> 00:06:29,981
- Yeah, nice to see you, bye.
- Bye.

114
00:06:34,911 --> 00:06:38,063
One and two, three and four,

115
00:06:38,152 --> 00:06:40,951
five, six, seven, eight.

116
00:06:41,033 --> 00:06:43,912
One and two, three and four,

117
00:06:43,994 --> 00:06:46,383
five, six, seven, eight.

118
00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:49,069
All right, stop, stop, stop.
You're missing something.

119
00:06:49,155 --> 00:06:51,624
I'm not getting something.
What is it? What am I not getting?

120
00:06:51,716 --> 00:06:54,230
- What am I looking for?
- I know.

121
00:06:55,076 --> 00:06:56,874
Somebody else.

122
00:06:56,957 --> 00:06:58,629
- Yes?
- 110%% .

123
00:06:58,717 --> 00:07:00,709
You should be giving me a 110%%
all of the time,

124
00:07:00,798 --> 00:07:03,950
but that is not what I was thinking of.
What am I looking for?

125
00:07:04,039 --> 00:07:05,677
- Okay.
- T and T.

126
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:10,515
Correct. T and T. And what is T and T?
Come up here and show them.

127
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:15,313
T and T. Tits and teeth, yes. Tits and teeth.

128
00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:17,962
And before any of you have me
up on sexism charges,

129
00:07:18,042 --> 00:07:19,760
do not forget this is my daughter.

130
00:07:19,842 --> 00:07:22,198
That is all right. One more time...

131
00:07:22,283 --> 00:07:26,118
- I know that girl.
- Five, six, seven, eight.

132
00:07:26,204 --> 00:07:29,003
Hold on, his daughter?
But he's definitely gay.

133
00:07:29,565 --> 00:07:31,920
He can't be gay if he's got a daughter.

134
00:07:32,005 --> 00:07:35,999
- Oscar Wilde was married with two kids.
- Well, he couldn't have been gay.

135
00:07:36,086 --> 00:07:38,237
- What, Oscar Wilde?
- Yeah.

136
00:07:38,327 --> 00:07:41,843
- I've got to stop hanging around with you.
- That's lunch, back at 2:00.

137
00:07:43,208 --> 00:07:45,086
I do know her.

138
00:07:48,289 --> 00:07:50,929
- Oh, hi.
- Hiya.

139
00:07:51,010 --> 00:07:54,526
Maggie! Do you remember me?
Lizzie Bunton?

140
00:07:54,611 --> 00:07:57,729
Daddy? We worked on that
BBC kids' show together,

141
00:07:57,812 --> 00:08:00,167
- The Orphans of Penny Farthing Lane.
- Penny Farthing Lane.

142
00:08:00,252 --> 00:08:01,766
Brilliant that.

143
00:08:01,853 --> 00:08:06,166
Daddy, this is my friend Maggie.
We worked on Orphans together.

144
00:08:06,254 --> 00:08:09,406
Hello, nice to meet you.
Lan Bunton, everyone calls me Bunny.

145
00:08:09,495 --> 00:08:13,090
- Oh, already started your lunch I notice.
- It's a banana.

146
00:08:13,176 --> 00:08:15,644
# Food glorious food

147
00:08:15,736 --> 00:08:18,092
# Hot sausage and mustard

148
00:08:18,177 --> 00:08:21,089
# While we're in the mood

149
00:08:21,177 --> 00:08:23,373
# Cold jelly and custard #

150
00:08:23,498 --> 00:08:26,218
- No, no, no, no. Cust-terd.
- # Custard #

151
00:08:26,299 --> 00:08:29,770
- No, come on, cust-terd.
- # Custard #

152
00:08:29,860 --> 00:08:32,328
# Cust-terd #
# Custard #

153
00:08:32,420 --> 00:08:35,299
- Don't worry about it.
- BUNNY: No, come on.

154
00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:37,737
# Custard #
# Cust-terd #

155
00:08:37,822 --> 00:08:39,016
# Custard #

156
00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:43,460
There. See, if something's worth doing,
it's worth doing correctly. Must dash.

157
00:08:44,223 --> 00:08:45,896
I'll catch up with you later, then.

158
00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:47,212
- Yes.
- Definitely.

159
00:08:47,304 --> 00:08:48,737
Bye-bye.

160
00:08:48,824 --> 00:08:50,895
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

161
00:08:50,985 --> 00:08:52,657
Give her a kiss.

162
00:08:52,745 --> 00:08:55,977
- Don't.
- Oh, where have you been hiding her?

163
00:08:57,506 --> 00:08:59,975
Oh, she's really lovely
but she's a wee bit mental.

164
00:09:00,067 --> 00:09:04,027
- Of course she's mental. Her dad's a gay.
- He can't be gay.

165
00:09:04,428 --> 00:09:07,865
Ho, ho, ho! Smarties. Yum, yum, yum.

166
00:09:32,115 --> 00:09:33,150
(DOOR OPENING)

167
00:09:33,235 --> 00:09:35,272
(WHISTLING MERRILY)

168
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:39,275
- Les, you all right, mate?
- Hiya.

169
00:09:39,357 --> 00:09:41,393
- You all right?
- Yeah.

170
00:09:41,477 --> 00:09:44,276
- What have you got in your little bag?
- It's the local paper.

171
00:09:44,358 --> 00:09:46,110
Don't want to blow my own,
not with my back,

172
00:09:46,198 --> 00:09:48,633
but there's a little article in here.
Hi, darling. Listen to this.

173
00:09:48,719 --> 00:09:51,108
"Family Fortunes loser Les Dennis

174
00:09:51,199 --> 00:09:54,476
"is on the comeback trail
thanks to a starring role in Aladdin.

175
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,597
"Things are looking up for Les, 50,

176
00:09:56,681 --> 00:10:00,914
"who recently announced his engagement
to beautiful fiancée Simone Lewis, 26.

177
00:10:01,002 --> 00:10:03,232
"With an age gap of a quarter of a century,

178
00:10:03,322 --> 00:10:05,632
"Dennis is clearly punching
above his weight again

179
00:10:05,723 --> 00:10:08,113
"but insists they are very much in love."

180
00:10:08,204 --> 00:10:10,877
- Marriage, faithfulness.
- Do you want to get some lunch, darling?

181
00:10:10,964 --> 00:10:13,604
- I can't, I promised I'd meet a friend.
- A friend.

182
00:10:13,685 --> 00:10:15,676
- Do you want some money?
- Yes, please.

183
00:10:15,765 --> 00:10:16,994
- Fifty okay?
- Yeah.

184
00:10:17,086 --> 00:10:18,678
Bit much for lunch, innit?

185
00:10:18,766 --> 00:10:20,485
- Bye.
- Bye.

186
00:10:21,327 --> 00:10:23,921
- Alone again.
- Yeah.

187
00:10:24,007 --> 00:10:26,806
- Do you want to get some lunch?
- I can't. I've already eaten.

188
00:10:26,888 --> 00:10:28,116
Yeah?

189
00:10:28,209 --> 00:10:31,201
- But I'll come for a coffee with you.
- Yeah.

190
00:10:31,289 --> 00:10:34,043
Yeah, course I will, course I will.
If that's what you want.

191
00:10:34,130 --> 00:10:36,121
Yeah. Thanks.

192
00:10:38,531 --> 00:10:40,648
Come on, then, what shall we have?

193
00:10:43,492 --> 00:10:44,892
Maggie.

194
00:10:44,973 --> 00:10:46,452
- Oh, it's you.
- Hello.

195
00:10:46,533 --> 00:10:49,253
I'm trying to find my way out of here.
It's like a blooming maze.

196
00:10:49,334 --> 00:10:52,531
- Come in. This is my dressing room.
- Oh, look at it.

197
00:10:52,614 --> 00:10:54,446
I share this with the other girls in the chorus.

198
00:10:54,535 --> 00:10:56,366
Yeah? Where are they?

199
00:10:56,455 --> 00:11:00,449
I think they've all gone to lunch.
Sometimes they forget to invite me.

200
00:11:01,217 --> 00:11:02,855
Right.

201
00:11:02,937 --> 00:11:05,896
- What are you doing on Sunday?
- What, this Sunday?

202
00:11:05,978 --> 00:11:07,013
I'll tell you what you're doing.

203
00:11:07,098 --> 00:11:09,135
- You're coming to my party.
- My sister might be...

204
00:11:09,219 --> 00:11:13,975
It's going to be my birthday on Sunday
and I'm having a party. I'm going to be 29.

205
00:11:14,060 --> 00:11:17,815
It's very important and I'm just inviting
my very best friends like you.

206
00:11:17,901 --> 00:11:19,095
Yeah.

207
00:11:19,181 --> 00:11:22,219
It's going to be brilliant.
Oh, my parties are always great.

208
00:11:22,302 --> 00:11:24,372
- Yeah?
- Please come.

209
00:11:24,462 --> 00:11:26,533
There will be entertainment there
and everything.

210
00:11:26,623 --> 00:11:28,375
- Oh, well.
- Please, please.

211
00:11:28,463 --> 00:11:31,103
- Oh, I'm just thinking...
- You must! You must!

212
00:11:31,704 --> 00:11:34,902
- Okay, then.
- Brilliant.

213
00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:37,215
Let me just check with Daddy
that that's okay.

214
00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:39,695
Yeah, you'd better check with him first.

215
00:11:41,786 --> 00:11:44,142
- Do not come in!
- Daddy, it's Lizzie.

216
00:11:44,227 --> 00:11:46,696
I won't be a minute. Do not come in!

217
00:11:47,948 --> 00:11:50,065
I'm just finishing up a meeting.

218
00:12:01,231 --> 00:12:05,111
Okay, we've finished.
This is an old friend. Bye, Paul.

219
00:12:06,232 --> 00:12:07,905
And old friend.

220
00:12:07,993 --> 00:12:09,187
- Daddy.
- Yes?

221
00:12:09,273 --> 00:12:11,947
- Can Maggie come to my party, please?
- Of course, dear.

222
00:12:12,034 --> 00:12:15,072
The little bastard's pinched my watch.

223
00:12:15,155 --> 00:12:17,066
- He nicked your watch?
- It's fine...

224
00:12:17,155 --> 00:12:19,465
- Call the police.
- Do not call the police!

225
00:12:19,556 --> 00:12:23,232
And don't tell your mother, she'll only worry.

226
00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:26,950
That happened before, didn't it?
With your mobile phone?

227
00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:29,677
- The crime rate's through the roof.
- Yeah.

228
00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:52,722
- You all right?
- Yeah.

229
00:12:52,804 --> 00:12:56,002
Cheer up. Turn that frown upside down.

230
00:12:56,085 --> 00:12:57,962
- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing.

231
00:12:58,045 --> 00:13:00,514
- Is everything okay? You look a bit down.
- No, I'm fine.

232
00:13:00,606 --> 00:13:02,278
If you're worried about the audiences,
don't be.

233
00:13:02,366 --> 00:13:05,916
They're always a bit thin early on but
they'll pick up as we get towards Christmas.

234
00:13:06,007 --> 00:13:08,806
We've got the press in tonight,
they'll rave about it. It's a good show.

235
00:13:08,888 --> 00:13:10,719
Oh, it is, yeah.

236
00:13:10,808 --> 00:13:13,642
- Can I ask your opinion about something?
- Yeah.

237
00:13:13,729 --> 00:13:15,481
- What do you make of Simone?
- She's fine.

238
00:13:15,569 --> 00:13:16,844
- Beautiful girl.
- Yeah.

239
00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:19,490
- Lovely girl, I'm very lucky.
- You are, yeah.

240
00:13:19,570 --> 00:13:22,449
- When is the wedding?
- We're thinking June, July.

241
00:13:22,531 --> 00:13:26,605
Summer wedding. That'll be good if, when...
Well, it will happen, I suppose.

242
00:13:27,092 --> 00:13:29,926
- Congratulations again.
- Oh, cheers, mate, cheers.

243
00:13:33,334 --> 00:13:36,246
- I can't marry her.
- Why? What have you heard?

244
00:13:36,334 --> 00:13:38,769
- Nothing. What do you mean?
- No, what did you say?

245
00:13:38,855 --> 00:13:42,531
It's just that I've been doing a bit of thinking
and I just don't think I can marry her.

246
00:13:42,616 --> 00:13:45,370
It's not fair. I mean, don't get me wrong.

247
00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:47,175
- Funny little switch.
- Nothing wrong physically.

248
00:13:47,257 --> 00:13:48,406
I'm sure.

249
00:13:48,497 --> 00:13:51,331
The sex is extraordinary.
Some of the stuff she dreams up.

250
00:13:51,418 --> 00:13:53,250
What is that for?

251
00:13:53,339 --> 00:13:56,331
She likes to video us
and we watch it back together.

252
00:13:56,419 --> 00:14:00,174
And sometimes I can't believe
it's my arse going up and down.

253
00:14:00,260 --> 00:14:04,539
- I'm getting excited just thinking about it.
- Well, think about something else, then.

254
00:14:04,621 --> 00:14:07,853
It will break her heart
but now I'm back on the up and up.

255
00:14:07,942 --> 00:14:11,618
The papers is just the beginning. I'll be in
the full glare of the media spotlight again.

256
00:14:11,703 --> 00:14:13,342
- I can't put her through that.
- No.

257
00:14:13,424 --> 00:14:14,573
- She's young.
- Yeah.

258
00:14:14,664 --> 00:14:16,894
- She can't take that pressure.
- Probably not.

259
00:14:16,984 --> 00:14:21,662
Who knows what this will lead to?
More TV, maybe even Hollywood.

260
00:14:22,186 --> 00:14:26,180
I just think I'm better off letting her go now
before she falls in love with me any deeper.

261
00:14:26,267 --> 00:14:28,064
I think you're making the right decision

262
00:14:28,147 --> 00:14:31,185
and I'm so glad you said this
because it's a weight off my mind.

263
00:14:31,268 --> 00:14:34,625
I saw her getting off with the stagehand
and that's who she's with now.

264
00:14:34,709 --> 00:14:36,665
Well, I wasn't going to say anything
but you...

265
00:14:36,749 --> 00:14:40,982
Oh, I wish I hadn't, but you were
going to finish it anyway and I...

266
00:14:45,871 --> 00:14:48,466
You're not upset, are you?

267
00:14:48,552 --> 00:14:50,305
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

268
00:14:50,393 --> 00:14:52,349
The house is open, gentlemen...

269
00:14:54,154 --> 00:14:55,428
Sorry.

270
00:14:56,274 --> 00:14:59,870
- Les, cover it up, mate.
- Yeah.

271
00:15:03,276 --> 00:15:05,028
I'll shut the door.

272
00:15:09,957 --> 00:15:14,110
Look, Wishy, what's this?
It looks like the magic lamp.

273
00:15:14,198 --> 00:15:16,713
- What do you think I should do?
- Just leave it here.

274
00:15:17,319 --> 00:15:19,276
What do you think, gang?

275
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,751
Should I just leave it here
or should I give it a rub?

276
00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:24,394
AUDIENCE: Give it a rub.

277
00:15:24,481 --> 00:15:27,519
- What? Can't hear you?
- Rub it.

278
00:15:27,602 --> 00:15:29,513
- Rub it?
- Yes.

279
00:15:29,602 --> 00:15:32,959
Okay. If you say so, I'll rub it. Here goes.

280
00:15:39,205 --> 00:15:43,597
- Blimey, what a big puff.
- (CAMP VOICE) Cheeky. Hmm.

281
00:15:43,686 --> 00:15:45,438
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

282
00:15:46,766 --> 00:15:49,725
- Who are you?
- Well, I'll be anyone you want me to be,

283
00:15:49,807 --> 00:15:52,038
but you can call me Genie.

284
00:15:54,408 --> 00:15:57,048
How does somebody as big as you
fit into this tiny lamp?

285
00:15:57,129 --> 00:16:00,406
Don't worry about it, I'm used to
squeezing myself into tight holes.

286
00:16:00,490 --> 00:16:04,120
Oh! No pain, no gain.

287
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:09,045
WISHY: Can you help us?
We're in danger, the evil Abanazar is after us.

288
00:16:09,132 --> 00:16:12,887
- What makes you think that?
- We heard him say he wants to get Aladdin.

289
00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:14,929
Don't we all?

290
00:16:27,176 --> 00:16:28,849
Abanazar has a glorious ring.

291
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:34,207
I know the line. What's the point though, eh?

292
00:16:34,778 --> 00:16:37,293
They don't care. Look at them.

293
00:16:37,419 --> 00:16:41,254
- LES: You lot enjoying yourselves?
- Yeah.

294
00:16:41,340 --> 00:16:43,376
Yeah, well tell your faces.

295
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:47,293
And maybe some of your friends as well,
get them along.

296
00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:50,021
The empty seats aren't laughing much,
are they?

297
00:16:50,182 --> 00:16:54,096
- BOY: Get on with it.
- You bloody get on with it. Ignorant.

298
00:16:56,703 --> 00:16:59,855
How many of you
are thinking of leaving at half-time?

299
00:17:04,105 --> 00:17:06,017
Even less people here then, won't it?

300
00:17:06,106 --> 00:17:08,825
Even more embarrassing
for those that have stayed.

301
00:17:15,948 --> 00:17:18,986
- Where do you want to go from?
- How about 1992?

302
00:17:21,189 --> 00:17:24,023
No, where do you want to go
from in the script?

303
00:17:24,110 --> 00:17:27,069
I don't know.
Just do some more of the queer shit.

304
00:17:27,151 --> 00:17:29,301
Let's just get through it, shall we?

305
00:17:29,391 --> 00:17:34,183
Oh, I've been in that lamp so long
I'm bent out of all recognition.

306
00:17:45,835 --> 00:17:47,827
- Hello!
- Hi.

307
00:17:47,916 --> 00:17:50,715
- Come in. Look at you.
- Thank you.

308
00:17:51,877 --> 00:17:54,597
Everyone, this is Maggie.

309
00:17:55,478 --> 00:17:57,196
Hello, Maggie.

310
00:18:02,119 --> 00:18:03,872
You know Dad.

311
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:08,876
That's Maureen and John and Barbara
and Len and that's Nana.

312
00:18:11,482 --> 00:18:15,271
We're just waiting for Frank and Jean.
They said they'd be here by 8:00.

313
00:18:15,363 --> 00:18:19,152
- What time is it dear?
- About 8:00.

314
00:18:20,404 --> 00:18:23,317
Irene, fetch the Glade. Nana's let off again.

315
00:18:23,405 --> 00:18:25,396
Why don't you sit next to Nana?

316
00:18:32,047 --> 00:18:33,799
- Hello, dear.
- Hi.

317
00:18:40,169 --> 00:18:42,080
- There you go.
- Thanks.

318
00:18:43,129 --> 00:18:45,644
Thanks for doing this tonight
on your only night off.

319
00:18:45,730 --> 00:18:48,882
- It's not a chore.
- I was scared to be alone tonight.

320
00:18:48,971 --> 00:18:51,201
Bit worried about
what I might do on my own.

321
00:18:51,291 --> 00:18:53,169
- Well, you're not alone.
- No.

322
00:18:54,052 --> 00:18:57,090
We asked 100 people,
"Will Les Dennis ever hang on to a bird?"

323
00:18:57,173 --> 00:18:58,891
Our survey said...

324
00:18:58,973 --> 00:19:00,168
We asked 100 people,

325
00:19:00,254 --> 00:19:02,643
"Do you want to go out tonight
and watch Les Dennis in panto?"

326
00:19:02,734 --> 00:19:04,771
Our survey said...

327
00:19:04,855 --> 00:19:07,050
Why don't people want to come out
and see Les Dennis?

328
00:19:07,135 --> 00:19:09,092
- They do.
- Why don't twice as many?

329
00:19:09,176 --> 00:19:11,815
Well, because you're competing
with a lot these days, aren't you?

330
00:19:11,897 --> 00:19:15,048
- Internet, DVDs.
- Where did it all go wrong, eh?

331
00:19:17,978 --> 00:19:20,732
- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.

332
00:19:20,819 --> 00:19:23,208
- You're a comedian, right?
- Yeah.

333
00:19:24,260 --> 00:19:27,809
- I haven't seen you make a joke in five years.
- What do you mean?

334
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:31,052
When you're on telly and stuff, when
you're on chat shows or in Big Brother.

335
00:19:31,141 --> 00:19:33,372
You're talking to the chickens
but you're moaning about stuff.

336
00:19:33,462 --> 00:19:35,054
That's the way they cut it.

337
00:19:35,142 --> 00:19:39,216
There you go, moaning about stuff.
Make a joke about it. Make a joke.

338
00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:41,295
What was that impression you used to do?

339
00:19:41,384 --> 00:19:43,181
Lmpressions. I did loads.

340
00:19:43,264 --> 00:19:45,495
- What was it?
- Mavis Riley, Coronation Street.

341
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:47,621
- Do that.
- No, I'm not doing that.

342
00:19:47,705 --> 00:19:48,900
- Do it.
- No!

343
00:19:48,986 --> 00:19:51,784
- Go on.
- "I don't really know."

344
00:19:51,866 --> 00:19:54,745
- That's great.
- Yeah, I know. It is good, yeah.

345
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:57,740
You need another one, she hasn't really
been on telly for 15 years, but...

346
00:19:57,828 --> 00:19:59,819
- Yeah.
- Good.

347
00:19:59,908 --> 00:20:01,581
Correct me if I'm wrong,

348
00:20:01,669 --> 00:20:05,583
but I'm famous for more than a Mavis Riley
impression and Family Fortunes.

349
00:20:06,630 --> 00:20:08,860
I am famous for other things, aren't I?

350
00:20:08,950 --> 00:20:10,270
Er...

351
00:20:10,351 --> 00:20:13,024
The Les Dennis Laughter Show?
Russ Abbot's Madhouse?

352
00:20:13,111 --> 00:20:14,511
- Were you in that?
- Yeah.

353
00:20:14,592 --> 00:20:18,029
- Well then, if you...
- You don't remember. Nobody remembers.

354
00:20:18,113 --> 00:20:19,944
That's why I'm in a shitty little panto

355
00:20:20,033 --> 00:20:22,309
where the only people laughing
were that bunch of gays.

356
00:20:22,394 --> 00:20:25,626
- Nothing wrong with gays.
- I know. But they'll laugh at anything.

357
00:20:25,715 --> 00:20:28,548
No victory making a bunch of gay fellows
laugh. They'll laugh at anything.

358
00:20:28,635 --> 00:20:30,467
- Look at that Graham Norton.
- He's all right, isn't he?

359
00:20:30,556 --> 00:20:32,114
Is he? Is this funny, is it?

360
00:20:32,196 --> 00:20:35,951
"Oh, look at this website
about cocks and fannies!"

361
00:20:36,037 --> 00:20:38,632
"Oh, Jackie Collins, what lovely tits!"

362
00:20:38,718 --> 00:20:41,516
"Do you like a cock up your arse? Oh!"
Is that funny?

363
00:20:41,598 --> 00:20:44,033
It is quite funny when you do it,
but keep it down a little bit.

364
00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:45,757
- We're in a pub.
- What is that?

365
00:20:45,839 --> 00:20:48,229
I want to do something more high brow.
Oscar Wilde or something.

366
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:49,833
Yeah, definitely. He was gay.

367
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,151
I know, but not in the same way,
he was clever.

368
00:20:52,241 --> 00:20:54,437
Would this have been funny,
him going through customs,

369
00:20:54,522 --> 00:20:56,831
"I have nothing to declare but my genius."

370
00:20:56,922 --> 00:21:02,236
"Oh! And this vibrating tongue
for pleasuring fannies! Oh!" Is that funny?

371
00:21:02,324 --> 00:21:04,201
Again, quite funny when you do it,

372
00:21:04,284 --> 00:21:07,436
but it's Sunday, can you keep
the fannies down to a minimum?

373
00:21:09,005 --> 00:21:11,076
LIZZIE: Why can't I just stay in this?

374
00:21:11,166 --> 00:21:13,999
BUNNY: Because that is not the costume
we said you'd wear.

375
00:21:14,086 --> 00:21:16,840
Olivia Newton John
wouldn't be seen dead in that.

376
00:21:16,927 --> 00:21:19,601
Look, just do as you're told, will you?

377
00:21:31,171 --> 00:21:34,208
- I'm changing, I'm changing.
- It's me, it's Maggie.

378
00:21:36,092 --> 00:21:37,286
Hi.

379
00:21:37,372 --> 00:21:40,331
Your mum said I had to come up
and have a look at all your awards

380
00:21:40,413 --> 00:21:42,404
- and cups and...
- Oh. Here they are.

381
00:21:42,493 --> 00:21:45,167
- Wow, look at that.
- Gymnastics.

382
00:21:45,654 --> 00:21:48,408
- Second, second, first.
- First, that one.

383
00:21:49,775 --> 00:21:54,406
Lots of photographs of your dad there,
doing his... Whatever he's doing.

384
00:21:56,537 --> 00:21:58,607
I don't see any photographs
of you with your friends.

385
00:21:58,697 --> 00:22:02,008
- Have you got any friends your own age?
- Yeah, you. You're my best friend.

386
00:22:02,098 --> 00:22:04,897
- Apart from me?
- Well, all the friends downstairs.

387
00:22:04,979 --> 00:22:06,697
They're all friends, they're all old friends.

388
00:22:06,779 --> 00:22:10,216
They are old friends. It looks like the cast
of Last of the Summer Wine down there.

389
00:22:10,300 --> 00:22:13,896
Dad said when I'm famous
that I'll have all the friends I'll need.

390
00:22:13,981 --> 00:22:16,337
He said I'd have too many friends.

391
00:22:16,422 --> 00:22:17,980
Do you enjoy all this, though?

392
00:22:18,062 --> 00:22:21,817
I mean, really,
all this dressing up and performing?

393
00:22:21,903 --> 00:22:23,177
Yeah, I love it.

394
00:22:23,263 --> 00:22:26,461
But do you, though? Is this what
you want to do or is it what your dad wants?

395
00:22:26,544 --> 00:22:28,456
Dad knows what's good for me.

396
00:22:28,545 --> 00:22:31,457
I've been doing this
since I was two, it's in my blood.

397
00:22:31,545 --> 00:22:34,060
But it wasn't your ambition
when you were two, was it?

398
00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:37,862
I mean, I think you seem to be missing out
on a whole load of stuff.

399
00:22:37,947 --> 00:22:40,746
Just... I think he's suffocating you a bit.

400
00:22:41,508 --> 00:22:44,740
You're making me sad and it's my birthday.

401
00:22:44,829 --> 00:22:45,898
Sorry.

402
00:22:52,590 --> 00:22:54,263
(MUSIC PLAYING)

403
00:22:56,671 --> 00:22:59,903
# Anything you can do I can do better

404
00:22:59,992 --> 00:23:02,746
# I can do anything better than you

405
00:23:02,833 --> 00:23:04,391
# No, you can't
# Yes, I can

406
00:23:04,473 --> 00:23:05,509
# No, you can't

407
00:23:05,594 --> 00:23:06,788
# Yes, I can

408
00:23:06,874 --> 00:23:09,708
# Yes, I can, yes, I can #

409
00:23:09,795 --> 00:23:11,672
# Well-a, well-a, well-a uh!

410
00:23:11,755 --> 00:23:13,633
# Tell me more, tell me more

411
00:23:13,716 --> 00:23:15,547
# Was it love at first sight?

412
00:23:15,636 --> 00:23:17,468
# Tell me more, tell me more

413
00:23:17,557 --> 00:23:19,195
# Did she put up a fight?

414
00:23:19,277 --> 00:23:22,554
# A-ha, a-ha, a-ha, a-ha

415
00:23:22,918 --> 00:23:26,707
# Ah-a, ah-a, ah-a, ah-a #

416
00:23:27,479 --> 00:23:29,914
# Well, you've got to speed it up

417
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,673
# And then you've got to slow it down

418
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:35,833
# 'Cause if you believe
that a love can hit the top

419
00:23:35,921 --> 00:23:38,231
# You've got to play around

420
00:23:38,322 --> 00:23:40,961
# And soon you will find
that there comes a time

421
00:23:41,042 --> 00:23:42,715
# For making your mind up

422
00:23:43,723 --> 00:23:45,441
# For making your mind up

423
00:23:46,524 --> 00:23:49,243
# For making your mind up

424
00:23:49,324 --> 00:23:53,204
# For making your mind up #

425
00:24:01,927 --> 00:24:04,044
- Sorry, Dad.
- Don't apologise to me.

426
00:24:04,128 --> 00:24:06,689
Apologise to the audience
who thought that you ruined it.

427
00:24:06,769 --> 00:24:10,479
That was bad. It was bad
because we did not do enough rehearsal.

428
00:24:10,570 --> 00:24:13,926
- I was getting ready for my birthday.
- We were all getting ready for your birthday.

429
00:24:14,010 --> 00:24:16,286
Some of us found time to practise
and some of us didn't

430
00:24:16,371 --> 00:24:19,409
because you were too busy worrying
about a stupid bloody dress.

431
00:24:19,492 --> 00:24:21,687
And now you have let down your public.

432
00:24:21,772 --> 00:24:23,889
- What is the golden rule?
- Never let down your public.

433
00:24:23,973 --> 00:24:25,929
Never let down your public.

434
00:24:26,013 --> 00:24:30,246
Well, you have let them down and you've
let me down and you've let yourself down.

435
00:24:30,374 --> 00:24:34,687
Enjoy the rest of the day. Maybe next time
you'll listen to your silly old daddy.

436
00:24:34,775 --> 00:24:37,973
- Maggie was right.
- Why? What did Maggie say?

437
00:24:38,056 --> 00:24:40,287
- This is weird.
- I didn't say weird.

438
00:24:40,377 --> 00:24:43,495
I should have friends my own age
like she said.

439
00:24:43,578 --> 00:24:46,217
You do look like the cast
of Last of the Summer Wine.

440
00:24:46,298 --> 00:24:50,008
- Great show.
- I want to start living my own life.

441
00:24:50,099 --> 00:24:54,457
Do you know what I want to do in life?
No, because you've never asked me.

442
00:25:02,742 --> 00:25:04,779
Well, well, well.

443
00:25:04,863 --> 00:25:08,573
It seems quite a poisonous element
has entered our little home.

444
00:25:08,664 --> 00:25:11,303
- Quite a nasty little piece of work.
- Can I just say...

445
00:25:11,384 --> 00:25:13,853
I think that you should go,
you have done quite enough damage.

446
00:25:13,945 --> 00:25:17,018
Oh, God, this is daft, this is silly...

447
00:25:17,106 --> 00:25:20,782
It's his house.
If he wants you to leave, you should leave.

448
00:25:28,989 --> 00:25:33,142
Bye, Nana. Yeah. Bye, everybody.

449
00:25:34,270 --> 00:25:38,628
Oh, I just want to say, do you mind
if I take a couple of sandwiches for the train?

450
00:25:38,711 --> 00:25:41,909
I haven't eaten since 4:00
and I've got no food in the house.

451
00:25:41,992 --> 00:25:44,142
Didn't think I was going to get
chucked out of the party.

452
00:25:44,232 --> 00:25:47,270
You should have thought of that
before you fucked up my daughter's life.

453
00:25:47,353 --> 00:25:49,072
- Good night.
- Okay.

454
00:25:53,475 --> 00:25:57,355
When the laughter stops,
when the audience departs,

455
00:25:57,436 --> 00:26:01,555
when the make-up has been removed,
what is left of the clown?

456
00:26:01,997 --> 00:26:04,306
Nothing but an empty costume.

457
00:26:06,998 --> 00:26:10,150
I should have listened to that.
Do you know who said that?

458
00:26:10,239 --> 00:26:12,992
- Jean Paul Sartre?
- Bobby Davro.

459
00:26:13,079 --> 00:26:17,597
Davvers took me aside, he said, "Beware,
Les, you won't always be riding high."

460
00:26:17,681 --> 00:26:19,831
But I wasn't even listening.

461
00:26:19,921 --> 00:26:23,915
I was too busy telling him some of the funny
answers we get on Family Fortunes.

462
00:26:24,002 --> 00:26:27,712
Have I ever told you any of those?
Like I said to this woman,

463
00:26:27,803 --> 00:26:30,079
"Name something red."
She said, "My cardigan."

464
00:26:30,164 --> 00:26:34,363
How could that have been up there?
We survey 100 people, how'd they know?

465
00:26:34,445 --> 00:26:37,323
"Name a domestic pet,"
this fella said, "Leopard."

466
00:26:37,405 --> 00:26:39,078
- That's not domestic, is it?
- No.

467
00:26:39,166 --> 00:26:40,565
No way.

468
00:26:42,167 --> 00:26:43,964
What about her?

469
00:26:44,047 --> 00:26:46,437
No, I'm not interested in birds anymore.

470
00:26:46,528 --> 00:26:50,204
They just bleed you dry and
then they're off out the door. Bye-bye.

471
00:26:50,289 --> 00:26:52,325
She's been looking at you all night.

472
00:26:52,969 --> 00:26:56,565
She's pissed up. She's a pissed up slapper.

473
00:26:57,250 --> 00:27:00,243
I'm not about to have a one night stand
with a pissed up slapper

474
00:27:00,331 --> 00:27:04,007
just to make myself feel a bit better.
I've still got some dignity.

475
00:27:04,812 --> 00:27:07,202
(LES AND WOMAN GROANING)

476
00:27:12,974 --> 00:27:15,091
(TELEPHONE RINGING)

477
00:27:18,816 --> 00:27:19,851
Hello?

478
00:27:19,936 --> 00:27:23,452
Would you rather have a bionic arm
or a bionic leg?

479
00:27:23,537 --> 00:27:27,816
Good question.
Bionic leg so I could hop to work.

480
00:27:28,338 --> 00:27:31,695
So would I. I'd have a bionic leg
but it would be for kicking.

481
00:27:32,779 --> 00:27:36,170
Actually, I tell you what, a bionic arm
would come in useful some nights.

482
00:27:36,660 --> 00:27:39,255
- How do you mean?
- Doesn't matter.

483
00:27:40,461 --> 00:27:42,975
- I'm starving. Have you eaten anything?
- No.

484
00:27:43,622 --> 00:27:46,375
Can I come over and cook you something?

485
00:27:46,462 --> 00:27:49,102
It's 11:30. And you can't cook.

486
00:27:49,823 --> 00:27:54,295
- Fair point. Well, see you tomorrow, then.
- Yeah.

487
00:27:54,744 --> 00:27:56,940
- Bye.
- Bye.

488
00:28:09,468 --> 00:28:14,384
WOMAN: Is that good? Is that good?
LES: (AS MAVIS) I don't really know.

489
00:28:15,429 --> 00:28:16,943
WOMAN: What?

490
00:28:17,030 --> 00:28:20,785
If it's up there,
I'll give you the money myself.

491
00:28:22,071 --> 00:28:23,709
WOMAN: Get off me.

492
00:28:24,305 --> 00:28:30,915