1 00:00:00,300 --> 00:00:05,000 Episode 5x01: The Larry David Sandwich 2 00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:17,600 I'm drowning. 3 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:18,900 I'm gonna die. 4 00:01:18,900 --> 00:01:20,300 And somewhere I'm not even... 5 00:01:20,300 --> 00:01:23,200 I'm not religious at all, I said god help me. 6 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:26,700 And I'm deposited, right on the beach ! 7 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,300 I went swimming that day for some reason, 8 00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:31,300 something drew me to the water. 9 00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:33,900 Why I don't know ! 10 00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:36,900 You know it's like a baby drawn to the nipple. 11 00:01:37,700 --> 00:01:40,708 You know what I... you know or an adult drawn to the nipple. 12 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,808 - Either way, right ? - You know what I think, Larry ? 13 00:01:42,807 --> 00:01:44,300 - Is that divine intervention ? - Yeah ! 14 00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:47,000 - Unbelievable Larry ! - Is that not divine intervention ? 15 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,500 You know what I think Larry ? 16 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,800 I think this happened for a reason. 17 00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:54,200 Yes, I think so too. It happened for a reason. 18 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,800 Now, maybe you'll start to be more respectful to people 19 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,500 treat people better. - What are you talking about ? 20 00:01:58,500 --> 00:01:59,700 I'm respectful to people ! 21 00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:02,100 - Umh, Larry, Uh... - What, what Uhuh ? 22 00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:04,200 - Whatever ! Whatever ! - I'm respecting people, I respect people ! 23 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:06,200 - I'm very nice to people. - Yeah, fine. 24 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,500 So, anyway, uh, amazing ? 25 00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:09,700 Is that amazing ? 26 00:02:09,700 --> 00:02:11,200 True story, every word ! 27 00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:15,900 To life ! 28 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,100 - Have you gone to temple while holidays ? - Yeah of course. 29 00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:26,800 I think I wanna go to temple this year. 30 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,300 - You do ? - Yeah, given what happened and everything 31 00:02:29,300 --> 00:02:30,800 don't you think I should be there ? 32 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,900 Yeah, it's a great thing, but you gotta get your ticket like... 33 00:02:33,900 --> 00:02:36,000 6 months in advance, it's a tough ticket to go to high holy days. 34 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,800 Why does a Jew need a ticket to go to temple, it's crazy ? 35 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,200 I'm not saying I justify it, but... 36 00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:43,500 you need a ticket, now I've got my tickets. 37 00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:46,500 - How am I gonna get one ? - Um... 38 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:48,500 You know what... 39 00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:52,800 I'll make some calls and if I hook one up, I'll call you tonight. 40 00:02:53,300 --> 00:02:54,300 We'll see... 41 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:55,800 Look at this thing... 42 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,500 Look, 've you ever seen a handle like this on a cup 43 00:02:57,500 --> 00:02:58,500 What's the point of this ? 44 00:02:58,500 --> 00:03:00,900 - Looks like "pretend little tea cups". - I can't... Yeah look ! 45 00:03:00,900 --> 00:03:03,200 Look you can't get your index finger in there, what's the point ? 46 00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,800 I like watching you do that. 47 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,700 There was something I wanted to tell you. 48 00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:08,500 Oh ! 49 00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:10,100 I went by Leo's delicatessen 50 00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:11,500 and what's up on the board ? 51 00:03:11,500 --> 00:03:14,400 A brand new sandwich called "The Larry David" 52 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,600 - Get out of here ! - Swear to god ! 53 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:17,800 Swear to god ! 54 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,800 - They named a sandwich after me ? - They named a sandwich after you ! 55 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,300 - You're kidding ! - Yep, yep, yep 56 00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:22,900 I can't believe it, I'm on the board ! 57 00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:24,200 You're on the board. 58 00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:25,900 What is it ? 59 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:28,900 Let's see, there is uh, whitefish... 60 00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:30,200 uh sable, 61 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,200 uh capres, onions and creme cheese. - What, what ? 62 00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:36,100 - That's the sandwich ? - Yeah. 63 00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:39,100 - You got a sandwich - That's a disgusting sandwich really. 64 00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:43,000 I'm gonna get something to eat, I'll see you later. 65 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:44,600 Look at this. 66 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,200 - Sorry ! - Oh boy ! 67 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,200 Oh my gosh, oh what happened ? 68 00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:51,900 He bumped me. 69 00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:54,600 - Did you bump into him ? - No 70 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:56,300 You bumped into me ! 71 00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:58,300 - You didn't bump into me ? - Alright please... 72 00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:06,100 - What happened ? - Uh, nothing. 73 00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:10,500 - Ready to go ? - Yeah, you're ready ? 74 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,400 - We're gonna take off. - What ? 75 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,600 We carpooled with you, I'm not ready to leave yet. 76 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:17,800 - It's enough already. - Larry what the fuck ? 77 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,700 I'm having fun, Jeff they wanna go. 78 00:04:19,700 --> 00:04:22,100 - You wanna go ? We carpooled - Yeah we wanna go. 79 00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:23,600 We're not ready to leave, Jeff. 80 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:25,000 - You just got this fool. - Alright listen... 81 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,400 You'll get a ride and if you don't get a ride, you give me a call. 82 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,100 - Fine yeah, you'll be here... - Yeah you'll come back and get us. 83 00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:32,300 - I will, I'll come back and get you. - I believe that ! 84 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,000 Call me Mr. Tibbs ! 85 00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:51,500 Don't answer that. 86 00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:53,700 Actually it might be Jeff 87 00:04:53,700 --> 00:04:56,000 calling about the temple tickets. - I don't care ! 88 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,000 - I don't care, come on ! - No no this is kinda important deal. 89 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,800 - Well he'll call back. - He's not, I told him to... 90 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:04,200 I try and find out, hello ? 91 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,100 Made some calls but no go on the tickets. 92 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,200 - What a bummer. - Yeah I'm sorry. 93 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,400 But you know what ? 94 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,800 - You can always try for a scalper - Really ? They got scalper tickets ? 95 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,300 They usually do. 96 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,600 - Expensive ? - I have no idea. 97 00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:25,600 - Alright, I'l get some scalper tickets. - Get some scalper tickets. 98 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,600 We'll just go down there and try to get some. 99 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,400 - Thanks for trying. - Sure man, I talk to you later. 100 00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:36,900 - Get off ! - What ? 101 00:05:36,900 --> 00:05:38,900 - Get off of me ! - What are you doing ? 102 00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:41,400 What am I doing ? What are you doing ? 103 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,400 What ? 104 00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,100 What's the big deal ? What ? 105 00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:47,200 Why do you have to answer the phone ? 106 00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:49,400 Cause I told you I was expecting a call. 107 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,300 Why ? So what ? I don't... 108 00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:54,700 Good night. 109 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,000 Oh, right... 110 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,100 Mustn't interrupt intercourse ! 111 00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:02,300 Oh sacred intercourse cannot be interrupted. 112 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:06,400 Everybody quiet ! Quiet for intercourse. 113 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,700 Shhhht, don't disturb the intercourse. 114 00:06:13,900 --> 00:06:15,100 Let me tell you something... 115 00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,800 This is some kind of sandwich my friend ! 116 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,200 It's the first time I really kvelled... 117 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,000 really swelled up with joy, 118 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,800 look at that Larry David sandwich. 119 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,500 I really kvell from this, 120 00:06:26,500 --> 00:06:28,900 it's something that makes me proud above anything. 121 00:06:28,900 --> 00:06:31,400 Alright, alright, I don't even like it ! 122 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,200 - What ? - I don't like it. 123 00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:38,000 Whatever you say just now, you mumbled it 124 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,400 wich is something you do. 125 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,800 You do a lot, you do a lot of mumbling. 126 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,800 - Okay - You don't have a lot of respect for speech. 127 00:06:46,300 --> 00:06:50,100 You could speak a little clearer, it wouldn't hurt anybody 128 00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:53,100 - Ah laughin' in my face ! - I don't have respect for speech ? 129 00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:55,900 - That's right - I do, I respect speech. 130 00:06:55,900 --> 00:06:57,200 I disagree. 131 00:06:57,900 --> 00:06:59,000 Look who's here ! 132 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,900 Hey, Leo ! 133 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:05,100 So good to see you. 134 00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:07,500 Oh and Mr. David two. 135 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:09,300 How are you Sir, how are you ? 136 00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:12,300 Fine, fine, thank you. 137 00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:16,000 Leo, first of all, 138 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,000 I wanna thank you 139 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,200 for putting me up on the board, 140 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,200 having my own sandwich. 141 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,500 Larry David sandwich. 142 00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:28,900 Look, look how proud he is. 143 00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:32,300 No problem, it's my pleasure to put the Larry David sandwich 144 00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,408 up on the board. - It's such a wonderful thing. 145 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,008 You like it, yeah ? You like it ? 146 00:07:38,107 --> 00:07:39,600 What is this, Eh ? 147 00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:41,500 You know... 148 00:07:42,100 --> 00:07:43,800 Not really a big... 149 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,100 Not really a big fish guy, to tell you the truth. 150 00:07:46,100 --> 00:07:48,500 This is the best whitefish in the whole wide world. 151 00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,700 No other place got this whitefish but me. 152 00:07:50,700 --> 00:07:51,900 Yeah, I'm sure it is, 153 00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:54,200 but I'm more of a, you know, pastrami... 154 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:55,700 corned-beef kinda guy. 155 00:07:55,700 --> 00:07:57,800 Can I get a pastrami corned-beef thing ? 156 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,300 You are the whitefish sable. Period. 157 00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:02,700 What do you want me to do ? 158 00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:05,800 - What about tong ? - No tong ! 159 00:08:06,100 --> 00:08:07,900 Hey let me ask you this ok ? 160 00:08:07,900 --> 00:08:12,700 What if I got somebody to switch sandwiches with me ? 161 00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:16,700 - To switch with you ? - Yeah maybe, you know uh... 162 00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:18,700 Ted Danson or something... 163 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,100 What do you think about that ? 164 00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:23,100 Okay, I tell you what I'm going to do for you... 165 00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:25,700 If the Mr. Danson say Ok 166 00:08:25,700 --> 00:08:27,300 Okay to switch ! 167 00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:30,200 - Alright thanks. - If I can do it, I can do it. 168 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:32,200 - I see you at the Temple. - Okay. 169 00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:38,700 Jesus, that guy almost broke my hand with that shake. 170 00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:40,200 You don't whisper to me, please don't... 171 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:43,700 I said he almost broke my hand with that handshaking. 172 00:08:43,700 --> 00:08:46,700 You know, little time, once in a while, 173 00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:48,700 if you... 174 00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:50,700 if you're pleasant to people. 175 00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:56,700 What's the matter ? 176 00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:00,500 Get a drink of water. 177 00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,000 Take some water ! 178 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:08,900 It's ok, Pop ! 179 00:09:08,900 --> 00:09:11,100 I think you're gonna be alright. 180 00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:12,600 I got your glasses. 181 00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:32,800 Well your dad has had a mild stroke. 182 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,200 - Really ? - Yes, but he's going to be fine 183 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,700 I've got him lightly sedated right now 184 00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:39,600 and he's resting. 185 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,100 But he's doing very very well 186 00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:42,700 and there's nothing for you to worry about. 187 00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:44,500 - Okay. - Absolutely ! 188 00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:47,500 My feeling is we may do a little corrective surgery 189 00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:49,600 I don't know exactly when 190 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,200 but we'll have him here for a while. 191 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,900 - It's much better - Let me ask you a question. 192 00:09:54,900 --> 00:09:56,900 My dad and I were eating in the deli 193 00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:59,600 earlier and uh... 194 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:02,600 Actually they named a sandwich after me... 195 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,800 - No kidding ? - Yeah, I got my own sandwich ! 196 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:07,800 - That is great ! - I'm up on the board. 197 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:09,500 The Larry David, if you go in there... 198 00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:12,200 Oh I've seen that on the menu, everybody's got their sandwich. 199 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,800 Yes but you know, the bad news is that 200 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:17,800 I can't stand the sandwich between you and me. 201 00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:20,600 - What is it ? - I see you recoiled a little bit, was it a breath thing ? 202 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,800 - No, no, not at all. - You put your head back a little bit. 203 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,700 - Not at all, no. - But anyway, is it... 204 00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,500 - Here's my question - Okay 205 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:30,700 Is it possible that the sandwich 206 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:34,200 could have had something to do with the stroke. 207 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,900 If the sandwich was caught 208 00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:38,900 and he started choking and couldn't breath... 209 00:10:38,900 --> 00:10:41,300 and then became fearful, I guess it's possible. 210 00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:43,300 He could raise his blood pressure 211 00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:45,600 His life is not threatened, he's fine and he's resting, so... 212 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,400 The sandwich gave him a stroke. 213 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,000 How do you like this ? 214 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,100 The sandwich ! 215 00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:54,100 Do you mind if I... 216 00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:57,500 You know I'm a big fan of "Seinfeld"... 217 00:10:57,500 --> 00:11:00,200 - I don't know if it bothers you - Why would it bother me ? 218 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,700 - It was a wonderful show. - Thank you... 219 00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:04,800 I tell you what. 220 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,500 I'm gonna do your father surgery for you. 221 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,600 I'm chief sugery, usually I... 222 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,600 delegate it to somebody else, but... 223 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,400 I would be happy to do this for you. - Thank you 224 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,400 Now, you're a golfer right ? 225 00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:32,600 I can't believe that sandwich might have been responsible for this. 226 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,500 I'm so sorry. 227 00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:39,800 Whitefish... 228 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,600 Why did he have to give me whitefish ? 229 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:44,600 There are so many other sandwiches 230 00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:47,900 Pastrami, Tuna, I would have taken tuna ! 231 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,200 Even with the mercury... 232 00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:55,600 It stinks in here... 233 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:58,600 You know what, I think it's smell from the onion ! 234 00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:01,800 You want a mint ? 235 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:02,800 Take a mint. 236 00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:06,300 No mint ? 237 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,600 I got a whole hand full of them. 238 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:17,400 What ? 239 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,200 What ? 240 00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:26,100 What is it ? 241 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,100 I'm a doctor ? 242 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:41,700 I'm a doctor ? 243 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:48,400 I'm... 244 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:49,400 adopted ? 245 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:53,100 Adopted ? 246 00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:56,100 - Did you say I'm adopted ? - I'm sorry, I have to ask you to leave the room. 247 00:12:57,700 --> 00:12:58,700 Now ! 248 00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:01,400 - Adopted, you said... - You're gonna have to leave now. 249 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,400 Let's go, come on, let's go ! 250 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,500 I think I'm adopted, I might be adopted... 251 00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:18,700 I think I'm adopted, I could be adopted. 252 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,100 I might be adopted... 253 00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:26,700 - Dennis, hey ! - Where do you come from ? 254 00:13:27,700 --> 00:13:30,700 - Upstairs... - Upstairs ? What the... 255 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,200 Do you mind if I stop this for a second ? 256 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:37,800 I have an idea, maybe it'd be more funny... 257 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:40,800 I suspected this a long time, I really did. 258 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:44,200 The only thing... the only noticeable thing I have in common with him... 259 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:47,200 honest to god, is my penmanship I noticed there's a similarity. 260 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:51,000 Isn't there something with the stroke with oxygen to his brain or something ? 261 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,800 - Come on, adopted ? - Don't ruin this for me ! 262 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,100 - I'm not trying to ruin it for you. - Don't rain on my parade ! 263 00:13:57,100 --> 00:13:59,900 - Hey look who's here ! - Hey ! 264 00:13:59,900 --> 00:14:00,700 Hey, man ! 265 00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:03,700 Can't shake, bad fingers... 266 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,800 I'm so bummed out ! I'm awful in this. 267 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,000 - It's not you. - I'm not funny anymore ! 268 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,200 It's the writing. 269 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,100 Why are you here by the way ? 270 00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:13,900 Oh we were just... I was at his office... 271 00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:15,900 Thought I'd bring him by. Told him you were filming here. 272 00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:18,500 - He got all excited. - Yeah, I figured I would check out the pilot. 273 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:20,000 I really appreciate it. 274 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,100 And uh, oh guess what ? 275 00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:24,500 Leo's... You know... 276 00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:27,100 - They named a sandwich after me. - Oh you're kidding me ? 277 00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,000 - Oh you're kidding, that's great ! - I have a sandwich ! 278 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,400 - That's wonderful man ! - I'm on the board. 279 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,600 - You've arrived. - I'm on the board ! 280 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,600 - That is fantastic, that's good news. - Yep, so... 281 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:39,200 The thing about is I was wondering... 282 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:42,200 cause I know you don't go in there very much, I'm in there all the time. 283 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:45,200 I'm in there three times a week. 284 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,600 And in as much as you don't go in there. 285 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:50,500 I was juste thinking that maybe... 286 00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:53,300 cause my sandwich is a great sandwich, 287 00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:55,200 but I'm not really a fish guy. 288 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:58,200 And it's kind of a... you gotta like fish... you know... 289 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,000 You like fish, but anyway... 290 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,000 So I was thinking maybe, you wouldn't mind switching with me. 291 00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,700 - Switching sandwiches ? - Yeah, you know, cause you don't go in there 292 00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:09,000 I'd like to eat my own sandwich, it would be fun 293 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,000 to go in with my dad, and eat my own sandwich, you know... 294 00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:15,000 All right, what the hell, I mean what's the harm ? 295 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,300 - Really ? - Yeah, why not ? 296 00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:18,700 Well, Ted... Fantastic ! 297 00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:21,500 Just, if anyone ask me, what's in my new sandwich ? 298 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:23,600 Oh, okay, it's uh... 299 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,500 you got whitefish 300 00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:27,100 you know whitefish ? 301 00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:30,100 - Whitefish ? - Whitefish and sable 302 00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:33,200 What is sable ? 303 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,400 - Sable ? It's a fish. - It's like the whitefish, it's a smoked fish. 304 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,600 Smoked fish, yeah... 305 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:41,300 - You have two fishes in the sandwich ? - Yeah but they blend very well together. 306 00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:43,600 They're like siamese twins, whitefish and sable... 307 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,600 What else is in it ? No condiments ? 308 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,100 Cream cheese... 309 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,300 Yeah some cream cheese that's... 310 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,500 Capers... 311 00:15:56,700 --> 00:15:58,300 There may be some capers I'm not sure, 312 00:15:58,300 --> 00:16:01,200 if you don't like'em you can brush'em off, that's not a big deal. 313 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,500 Onions... 314 00:16:10,500 --> 00:16:11,900 That sounds awful ! 315 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,300 What are you talking about, awful ? 316 00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:19,300 My sandwich is turkey, coleslaw, russian dressing 317 00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:20,500 It's a classic. 318 00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:23,500 - People come in, they order a Ted Danson - Yeah, but you're not there... 319 00:16:23,500 --> 00:16:24,600 - you don't go in there. - I know 320 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:25,900 but people ared used to my sandwich 321 00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:28,600 They show up and all of a sudden they're eating, you know... 322 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,800 the Ted Danson sandwich all of a sudden has herring and lox... 323 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:35,200 - It's not herring, it's not herring - Capers... Onions... 324 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:38,200 Shut the fuck up ! It's not herring ! Ok ? 325 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,900 It's whitefish and sable, that's not herring 326 00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:43,900 Instead of ordering a Ted Danson, people go and order a Larry David 327 00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:45,400 What's the difference ? 328 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,300 One tastes good and one sucks ! 329 00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:49,200 Why don't you taste it ? Taste the sandwich ! 330 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,200 - Taste it ! - I don't wanna taste it, it's... 331 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,000 - You can't even taste it ? - I don't wanna taste it ! 332 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,900 - You won't taste it ? - No I won't taste your stupid sandwich ! 333 00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:58,300 - No I won't ! - Oh so you're not tasting it... 334 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:03,400 Tickets, tickets ? Who needs... 335 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:04,500 Who needs tickets ? 336 00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:06,700 Tickets ? 337 00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:08,500 Happy new year. 338 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:09,600 Tickets ? 339 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:13,300 - How are you ? - Good. 340 00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:15,800 - You need tickets ? - You got something ? 341 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,300 - Do I have... ? I have the best seats. - Yeah ? 342 00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:21,000 I have fabulous two seats, right down front. 343 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,800 The cantor will be practically spitting all over you. 344 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:23,800 Really ? 345 00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:25,300 How much ? 346 00:17:25,300 --> 00:17:26,600 Give me $600 for the two. 347 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,600 - I'll give you $300 for the pair. - I'll take $300. 348 00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:31,600 I'll take the $300... 349 00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:37,500 You have no idea what a deal this is. 350 00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:40,500 Incredible deal you got here. 351 00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:46,500 - Here you are. - All right. 352 00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,400 - You're not screwing me ? - You're screwing me maybe. 353 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:50,900 I'm giving you the deal of a lifetime. 354 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:53,800 - Oh, got them ! - All good. 355 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:55,200 - All right ! - Got them. 356 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,200 How much ? 357 00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:58,300 Really ? 358 00:17:58,300 --> 00:17:59,300 Oh, jeez. 359 00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:01,600 I don't understand why you buy tickets. 360 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:04,200 - It's a very popular day. - Too many jews to go around. 361 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:05,200 It's not enough, exactly. 362 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:08,200 By the way, thank you for carpooling with us. 363 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,600 I really never expected you'd get in my car again after the other night. 364 00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:13,300 We're sorry about that. 365 00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:16,600 Listen, this adoption thing, I was thinking about. 366 00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:20,400 Isn't there an aunt or an uncle or somebody from your childhood ? 367 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:23,200 Any relative who would know, they're all dead. 368 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,200 - They're all dead ? Every last one ? - All dead. 369 00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:28,600 There's one person though. 370 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,600 I had a nanny when I was... 371 00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:34,100 - You had a nanny ? - I had a nanny, Johanna Seiderman. 372 00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:37,100 - Yeah ? - When I was a little kid. 373 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:40,600 Antoinette tracked her down. 374 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:43,000 There's a Johanna Seiderman in a nursing home 375 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,700 - in Queens... - Really ? 376 00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:46,200 And I've written her a letter. 377 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:49,500 This is terrific. That way you'll have definitive "yes, no." 378 00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:52,500 You might not be happy with the answer, but you'll know the answer. 379 00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:54,200 Let me ask you guys a question. 380 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,800 You pick up the phone during sex ? 381 00:18:56,900 --> 00:18:57,900 Why would you pick up ? 382 00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:00,400 You're in the middle of an intimate moment with your loved one. 383 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,400 - You're gonna pick up ? - Well, I... Yeah... 384 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:03,700 - fine. - Why would you pick up ? 385 00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:06,700 If every blue moon I have sex, I'm not gonna pick up. 386 00:19:06,900 --> 00:19:07,700 You have an answering machine, 387 00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:09,600 - why do you have an answering machine ? - Thank you. 388 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:13,100 You're having an intimate moment and you pick up the phone ? 389 00:19:13,100 --> 00:19:14,000 Who does that ? 390 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,500 Hey, Larry. 391 00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:16,500 Larry, Rob. 392 00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:17,800 Oh, sorry I can't shake, Rob. 393 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:20,800 - Got a bad... a bad hand, somebody... - Okay. All right. 394 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:24,000 - So this your wife ? - No ! What ? No ! 395 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,000 - What kind of response is that ? - No, that's my wife. 396 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:28,400 Hey, I'll see you inside. 397 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,100 - Okay, see you inside. - All right, take care. 398 00:19:31,100 --> 00:19:33,900 - Really ! It's always a thing. - Sorry ? What ? Oh, stop. 399 00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:35,300 "No no no no !" 400 00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,100 Well, you know, you've got your Al Capone hat on. 401 00:19:38,100 --> 00:19:40,900 This happens to be a very expensive hat, mister. 402 00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:43,500 - It's rude. - Let's go in and pray. 403 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:44,500 Ok, let's go in and pray. 404 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,500 Sorry, Susie. 405 00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:56,200 "Be among those who cherish truth above ease. 406 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,500 Their fruit we eat now; 407 00:19:58,500 --> 00:20:00,900 Their essence remains for us 408 00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:03,900 in the life to come. 409 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,200 - How'd you get that sandwich ? - What are you talking about ? 410 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,200 That sandwich at the deli ! 411 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,300 Leo gave it to me. That's how I got it. 412 00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:47,000 How do you... Did you bribe him ? 413 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,600 I bribed him. That's rich. 414 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:49,900 What the hell are you talking about ? 415 00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:52,100 - How many times a week do you go ? - I don't know. Two ? 416 00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:54,100 - I go there five times a week. - Big deal. 417 00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,600 But I eat anything off the menu. 418 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,400 - I eat a lot of stuff too. - I take stuff out. 419 00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,100 - I get deliveries. - I give it to charity. 420 00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:00,000 Big deal ! 421 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,100 What were you talking to him outside ? I saw you talking to him... 422 00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:03,400 - None of your business. - What was that about ? 423 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:04,400 The new year, the new year... 424 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:06,400 "Would you tell me why I didn't get a sandwich, Leo." 425 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:09,400 - Your sandwich stinks by the way. It stinks ! - "I wanna get a sandwich, Leo !" 426 00:21:09,900 --> 00:21:10,900 You stink. 427 00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:12,600 Excuse me, sir. 428 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:13,900 I'm gonna need to see your ticket. 429 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:16,800 Why ? 430 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:17,800 Your ticket, sir. 431 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,200 Is there a problem ? What's the problem ? 432 00:21:25,500 --> 00:21:27,000 This the guy ? 433 00:21:28,700 --> 00:21:30,200 - Okay, pal. - You little snitch. 434 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,100 - You're gonna have to step out of there. - Why ? I have a ticket. 435 00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:35,200 - I can't believe it ! - Do you feel like making a scene ? 436 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:36,200 - No. - Shh ! 437 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:37,700 - Oh, shush you. - Shh ! 438 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:40,200 Shush yourself ! 439 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,200 All right, great. Little tattletale. 440 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,400 You little nitch. 441 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:47,100 He spilled the coffee, by the way, 'cause I couldn't put my fingers through your dainty cup ! 442 00:21:47,100 --> 00:21:49,400 You're setting a very bad example for my gentile wife. 443 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,600 You know that ? Look It's her first time in temple. 444 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,100 - Larry, what's happening ? - They're kicking us out. 445 00:21:54,100 --> 00:21:56,500 - Well, are you gonna wait for us ? - It's gonna be an hour and a half. 446 00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:58,400 How are we gonna get home ? We carpooled with you. 447 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,500 You'll get a ride. There's plenty of people. Ask somebody... 448 00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:01,500 Let's go. 449 00:22:02,700 --> 00:22:03,700 Get a ride. 450 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:07,000 Friends, let us continue on page 143. 451 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:13,000 - I saw you roll about seven feet past. - Yeah. 452 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:16,600 Get this: The doctor divorced his wife and is seeing his secretary. 453 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,200 - Just told me. - Unbelievable. 454 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:21,200 This guy... 455 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:23,800 Did you hear from the nanny ? 456 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:26,000 No, not yet. 457 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,500 - You must be on pins and needles. - Yeah. 458 00:22:28,500 --> 00:22:30,800 But you know I think if she gets the letter, 459 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:32,400 I think she's gonna get in touch with me. 460 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:33,700 I don't know, we'll see. 461 00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:35,200 - That's wild. - Isn't it ? 462 00:22:53,500 --> 00:22:55,000 He's got the yips. 463 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,100 The what ? 464 00:23:02,100 --> 00:23:03,100 The yips. 465 00:23:03,900 --> 00:23:05,700 - The yips ! - Yeah well, I don't know what that is. 466 00:23:05,700 --> 00:23:07,300 - You never heard of the yips ? - No. 467 00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:09,300 Okay, it's in golf. 468 00:23:09,300 --> 00:23:12,200 You line up to putt and your hands shake. 469 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:13,600 He was shaking like this. 470 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,100 Well... 471 00:23:15,100 --> 00:23:17,700 I mean, maybe it's just a golf condition. 472 00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:19,700 He gets nervous when he putts or something. 473 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,300 I can't take that chance. He's operating on my father. 474 00:23:23,300 --> 00:23:25,500 You need to call him and tell him not to do it. 475 00:23:25,500 --> 00:23:28,000 They're gonna have to get somebody else. 476 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:30,400 - I hate doing stuff like this. - You don't have a choice. 477 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,400 I hate these calls. 478 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:35,400 Pick up the phone and call the doctor. 479 00:23:35,900 --> 00:23:38,100 Maybe you could call him. 480 00:23:38,100 --> 00:23:41,100 If it was my father I would've already been on the phone. 481 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:54,100 You should go out of the room 'cause I can't do this in front of somebody else, 482 00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:57,000 honest to go could you leave the room ? 483 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,300 It's like calling for a date or something, 484 00:23:58,300 --> 00:24:01,300 - you know, I need privacy. - Oy. 485 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:20,800 I never... 486 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,500 - I never said you were adopted. - Yeah, that's what you said. 487 00:24:23,500 --> 00:24:26,000 No, I never said that. 488 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,600 I wouldn't say that to you, no. 489 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:29,100 It's not true, no. 490 00:24:29,100 --> 00:24:31,700 - You're not adopted. - It's okay, you can tell me. I can take it. 491 00:24:31,700 --> 00:24:33,900 - You're not, you're not. - Are you sure ? 492 00:24:33,900 --> 00:24:36,900 Listen, that Larry David sandwich, 493 00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:38,400 I didn't finish it. 494 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,900 I remember seeing a half a sandwich still on that table. 495 00:24:41,900 --> 00:24:43,600 You want the other half ? 496 00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:45,500 You know what, I just ran into your doctor. 497 00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:47,100 I'm meeting him there for lunch. 498 00:24:47,100 --> 00:24:49,100 - What a nightmare that's gonna be. - What ? 499 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:53,900 You sure I'm not adopted ? 500 00:24:56,900 --> 00:24:58,600 I never said that. 501 00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:00,100 Never. 502 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:20,400 Okay. 503 00:25:22,100 --> 00:25:25,100 We'll see what Mrs. Seiderman has to say. 504 00:25:41,900 --> 00:25:43,800 I'd like a Larry David to go, please. 505 00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:46,800 Oh, we don't have that sandwich anymore. 506 00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:49,200 - What ? - They changed the name. 507 00:25:55,300 --> 00:25:58,300 And I say that it happens every single time. 508 00:25:59,900 --> 00:26:00,900 I swear to god. 509 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:03,800 No I've never lied to you, not to you guys. 510 00:26:05,100 --> 00:26:07,000 Larry, what are you doing here ? 511 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,800 You stole my sandwich ? Is that what you did ? 512 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:11,400 - The hell are you talking about ? - What am I talking about ? 513 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:13,100 What are you talking about ? 514 00:26:13,100 --> 00:26:15,500 - You stole my sandwich ! - What the fuck does that mean ? 515 00:26:15,500 --> 00:26:16,500 Look, look ! 516 00:26:16,500 --> 00:26:18,500 - Look at the board ! - Are you blaming me ? 517 00:26:18,500 --> 00:26:20,900 - I saw you talking to him outside the temple. - You're out of your fucking mind. 518 00:26:20,900 --> 00:26:23,600 - You don't think I saw who you were talking to ? - You're losing it ! 519 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,100 I always talk to people outside. 520 00:26:25,100 --> 00:26:26,600 It's Rosh Hashanah ! It's the new year ! 521 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:29,300 I talk to deli owners ! I talk to pawnbrokers ! 522 00:26:29,300 --> 00:26:31,300 "Leo, can I please have a sandwich ?" 523 00:26:31,300 --> 00:26:32,400 - Oh, bullshit ! - "Please, please !" 524 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,500 You were so jealous that I had a sandwich, up there 525 00:26:34,500 --> 00:26:36,200 and you just couldn't take it, could you ? 526 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,100 You had to get your little sandwich ! 527 00:26:38,100 --> 00:26:41,600 - I got a piece of information you might be interested in. - I can't wait. What is it ? 528 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,300 I'm adopted. 529 00:26:44,300 --> 00:26:46,900 - Bullshit. - Bullshit ? Bullshit ? 530 00:26:46,900 --> 00:26:49,100 No, it's not bullshit. 531 00:26:49,100 --> 00:26:50,600 What do you mean you're adopted ? 532 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:52,000 I'm adopted. 533 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,300 How do you know ? 534 00:26:53,300 --> 00:26:55,000 My father told me. 535 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,300 You don't know who your parents are ? 536 00:26:56,300 --> 00:26:58,600 I know they're not those nuts ! I know that ! 537 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,900 - But I know who yours are. - Fuck. 538 00:27:00,900 --> 00:27:03,100 Enjoy your whitefish. Enjoy. 539 00:27:03,100 --> 00:27:05,100 - Larry. - Yeah ? 540 00:27:05,100 --> 00:27:07,700 Larry, you are adopted ? 541 00:27:07,700 --> 00:27:11,400 - Yeah. - I adopted too ! You are my brother ! 542 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:14,400 We are in the brotherhood of the adopted ! 543 00:27:14,900 --> 00:27:16,300 Larry, come on over here. 544 00:27:16,300 --> 00:27:17,800 You know what I'm going to do ? 545 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:20,000 I'm going to let you have any sandwich you want. 546 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:22,700 - Really ? - Yeah, any one you want ! Take it ! Go ahead, take it. 547 00:27:22,700 --> 00:27:24,400 - Oh, boy. - Take it. 548 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,400 - It's a tough decision. - Okay okay, I wait. 549 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,200 I think I'm going to have to go with that Ted Danson. 550 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,300 - Ted Danson ? This yours. 551 00:27:32,300 --> 00:27:35,000 - Thank you ! - That son of a bitch don't come in anyway ! 552 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:36,000 - You got it ! - Thank you. 553 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,400 - Hey, Larry. - Dr. Sewell. 554 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,200 I want you to meet a friend of mine. Leo, this is Dr. Sewell. 555 00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:43,200 - Leo. - How are you, Dr. Sewell ? 556 00:27:53,700 --> 00:27:56,700 I think I'll get that Larry David to go. 557 00:28:03,100 --> 00:28:06,000 Do not even think about it. 558 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,200 I'm expecting a call from Mrs. Seiderman. 559 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:11,200 - Who ? - You know, my nanny. 560 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:16,400 Do not pick up that phone. 561 00:28:23,700 --> 00:28:26,200 Nobody's picking up. 562 00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:30,700 I had an answer... to his question. 563 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:34,200 If only he had picked up. 564 00:28:37,100 --> 00:28:38,900 Mrs. Seiderman ? 565 00:28:38,900 --> 00:28:40,400 Mrs. Seiderman. 566 00:28:42,900 --> 00:28:44,700 Mrs. Seiderman ! 567 00:28:44,700 --> 00:28:46,700 Mrs. Seiderman ?! 568 00:28:47,700 --> 00:28:50,900 Subtitles by Eyedol Thx to the transcript from Raceman. Only for www.forom.com