1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:04,560 CHILDREN CHATTER 2 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,880 You need to think very carefully about where you take your kids. 3 00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:18,800 The soft play in town, for example, is absolutely disgusting. 4 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,520 How disgusting? 5 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:23,840 I once found a very small, very dead octopus in the ball pit. 6 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:26,160 Jesus! Whereas this place... 7 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,280 ..full of rich wankers and their rich wanker kids. 8 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:32,560 Hah! Limp twat doesn't stand a chance against my two. 9 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,640 Hey. You can't talk about someone else's child like that. 10 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:38,520 Even if they are dressed like a member of the Hitler Youth. 11 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:41,600 Excuse me. Your children are throwing things at Berty. 12 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,600 Aww, poor Berty. 13 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,480 No, Berty's my son. 14 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,920 Oh. 15 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,800 And now they've tricked him into eating Play-Doh! 16 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,120 That is a criminal offence. 17 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:52,640 Oh... I don't think it is, actually. 18 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,320 So sod off back to Waitrose, yeah? Everything OK? 19 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,080 Ben? 20 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,520 Shit. 21 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,120 You know her, Ben? 22 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,120 Yep. Er, we know each other through work. 23 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:15,920 Yes! Gemma was involved in the takeover. 24 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:19,440 I don't recall you being mentioned. What was your role? 25 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:21,520 I was the getaway driver. 26 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:22,560 HE LAUGHS 27 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:25,640 Er, Gemma was partnered with Sebastian Ford. 28 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,920 Oh. You worked with Seb? 29 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:31,320 Well, that must have been so difficult for you. 30 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:32,680 Oof. Well, let me tell you... 31 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,240 Gemma, it has been so great to see you again. 32 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:36,120 CHILD: Mummy! Oh, excuse me, please. 33 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:37,960 Darling, what's happened? 34 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,200 Yeah, it's great to see you too, Ben. 35 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,600 It's been what, eight months? 36 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,920 Holy shit! 37 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,760 We should exchange contact details. 38 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,640 No, we really don't have to. 39 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:59,720 For God's sake, Ben. He's covered in juice, again! 40 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,600 Well, it's your turn to clean him up. 41 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,600 SHE MIMICS HIM 42 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,600 WHISPERS: Cocksucker. 43 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:04,960 Come on... 44 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,240 Er, can we just...? 45 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:09,360 One sec. OK. 46 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:13,080 Fucking put that down! It's not your dog! Er, so... 47 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:18,360 ..is it mine? Yes. Congratulations. 48 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:19,960 I finished in the sink! 49 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,960 Look, please, please just don't say anything to Allegra, just for now. 50 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,200 Like, do you want money? 51 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,400 I can PayPal you money right now. Piss off! 52 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,160 Sorry! I just... 53 00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:31,800 It's a lot. 54 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:33,120 Mm. 55 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,120 Can I have your number? 56 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:36,440 Fine. 57 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,320 Mummy wants us to pop by. If you think you can get 58 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:44,200 the Defender up her driveway without hitting anything this time. 59 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,000 Well, good luck with the baby 60 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,400 and, erm, give our regards to Seb! Will do. 61 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,000 Come on, Berty, this way. Can you open the door, please? 62 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,120 Is kissing him like getting off with a giraffe? 63 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,200 That's the first question you want to ask me? 64 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,280 So what are you going to do? 65 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:03,600 Nothing! 66 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,120 Ugh! God, he's a liar and a cheat, 67 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,680 and judging by the size of that baby he was holding, 68 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,680 Allegra was very pregnant when we...met. 69 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:12,880 Where did you meet him? 70 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:13,960 In a toilet. 71 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,200 Oh, romantic. 72 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,440 I mean, there's no way I'll hear from him again. 73 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:20,880 PHONE VIBRATES 74 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:24,920 It's Ben. He says he wants to talk. 75 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:27,640 Malcolm, what the fuck is this? 76 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,480 I got those from the charity shop. 77 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,760 They're DVDs I used to watch with the girls when they were little. 78 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,320 Ballykissangel? Boring. 79 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,160 Grey's Anatomy? Boring. 80 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,800 Lovejoy? Fantastic! 81 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,280 The Shining? 82 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,040 Yeah. It's about a little boy, isn't it? 83 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,120 Yeah, whose dad tries to murder him with an axe. 84 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,600 Malcolm, you watched this with your kids? Yeah. 85 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,240 Wednesday night was film night. 86 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:48,440 HE LAUGHS 87 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,680 Why don't you just dig out your actual DVDs? 88 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,640 Davina gave them away to the cat shelter 89 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:53,760 when she got rid of the house. 90 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,680 You know, not for the cats to watch, obviously. 91 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,760 Because they just watch snooker, don't they? 92 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:01,160 Wait. Your ex-wife gave away all your stuff? 93 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,640 Well, she left some of the girls' stuff up in the loft. 94 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,040 You know, baby photos and toys, and stuff like that. 95 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,560 I was supposed to go round and collect them but I just, er... 96 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,880 I couldn't. Dad, this box was outside the flat. 97 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,760 Which I guess means you haven't asked Baris to fix the intercom yet. 98 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,840 Look! Got these DVDs for the baby! 99 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,320 No. My baby's not watching The Shining. 100 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:23,520 That's why Catherine's so messed up. 101 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:26,240 Ooh, speak of the devil. 102 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:28,720 I know you find aggressive women terrifying, 103 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,480 but you need to go and visit her. Not this again. 104 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,760 Look, I don't like going either, but at least take her 105 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:36,560 a Christmas present. A big Toblerone or something? 106 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,280 Look, I got this for you. Well, for the little one. 107 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:43,560 Will you stop buying random crap and just do the stuff I ask you to do? 108 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:47,240 Er, now, Gemma, I do think you're being a bit tough on Malcolm here. 109 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:51,600 I'm just saying, you know, I know how hard it is being pregnant. 110 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:54,280 Oh, you do, do you? Uh-huh. 111 00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:55,920 Is your bladder the side of a peanut? 112 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,000 Does your pelvis feel like it's going to snap in half? 113 00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,040 Are your tits so swollen 114 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,000 it's like two kettlebells are strapped to your chest? 115 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,840 No. But I do remember what a massive bitch my wife was. 116 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:06,720 Look at this! I got all this for a fiver off eBay. 117 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,640 Look! 118 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,640 SHE SIGHS 119 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,640 Yeah, just once round in the washing machine 120 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:14,000 and give 'em a bit of a scrub and they'll be fine. Oh, Dad... 121 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,880 Just pop 'em in here. 122 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,880 THEY RETCH 123 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,160 Ugh! 124 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,280 Thank you for agreeing to meet me. 125 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:28,440 I'm not going to tell her, by the way. 126 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,400 That's very decent of you. 127 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,320 I'm not trying to be decent. 128 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,360 I just don't need the drama of blowing up someone else's life. 129 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,840 So Allegra is your girlfriend? 130 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:39,080 Wife. 131 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,720 No ring? 132 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,920 Well, my grandfather was degloved aboard The Prince of Wales. 133 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,240 Degloved? 134 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,760 Degloved is when the ring is caught and.. 135 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:51,880 and the skin is sort of pulled off the flesh. 136 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:55,040 Gristle and bone. Mm-hm. Well, none of the men in my family wear one. 137 00:05:55,040 --> 00:06:00,160 It's kind of like a fun family tradition slash horrible obsession. 138 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,760 Wow! I was going to ask if there were 139 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,960 any hereditary illnesses I needed to know about, 140 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,800 but I didn't expect to hear about fingers being torn off. 141 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,680 It's not the whole fingers. Just the skin. Oh, course. 142 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,760 So I thought you might like to see these. 143 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,560 Just to give you some sort of indication of what you're carrying. 144 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,760 That is such a weird way of putting it, thank you. 145 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:21,120 God, Berty looks nothing like you. 146 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:22,960 He... He's all Allegra. 147 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,640 She has very strong genes. 148 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,760 Whoa. Big house. 149 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,840 Yeah. Or too big. I mean, I once nearly starved to death 150 00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,640 playing a game of hide and seek. 151 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,480 Took days to find me. 152 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,080 SHE LAUGHS 153 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,200 Taxi! 154 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,240 Oh... Thank you. 155 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,520 Well, that was the best £45 bowl of pasta I've ever had. 156 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,440 Oh, it's the least I could do. 157 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,880 Yeah, considering the next 18 years are on me. 158 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:55,880 Well, maybe I can send you some items to help? Er... 159 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,400 Clothes? Pram? A nanny? 160 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,000 It's a joke. 161 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,280 It's technically people trafficking, so... 162 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,560 Give me your phone. Sure. 163 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:05,920 Sorry. 164 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,440 My address. 165 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:11,600 Inanimate objects only. OK. 166 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:15,320 I'll let you know when the baby arrives. Yeah, that'd be...great. 167 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:21,360 Thank you. Thanks. You can keep the coat. 168 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,040 Oh! No, that was a joke. 169 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,840 It's quite cold. Yeah. 170 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,760 Thank you. Thank you. See you. See you. 171 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,840 Oh, how was the film? 172 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,360 Yeah, better than I was expecting. Good. 173 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,840 Dad, have you got any baby photos of me and Catherine? 174 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:55,200 Oh...no. I didn't take much with me, you know, 175 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:58,400 after I found your mum humping that guy who sold sponges door-to-door. 176 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,840 OK. Hey, but I... I know where they are, though. 177 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:02,360 They're up in the loft of the old house. 178 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:03,600 I could pop round and get them. 179 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,760 I'm sure the people who've moved in won't mind. 180 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:06,840 That's OK... 181 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,200 HE KNOCKS 182 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,800 What? Kenny Tugger? Malcolm Moscrip. 183 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,440 You bought this house from me. 184 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:20,680 Well, not from me, no, from Davina, from my wife. 185 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:23,320 I mean, you would have dealt with my wife, you see. Mum! 186 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:24,880 Wait a minute! 187 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:28,360 Oh. This one said he used to own the house. Yeah. 188 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:32,680 Er, I don't think my wife cleared out the loft before you moved in. 189 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,120 We fucking know she didn't. 190 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,280 People who sell houses and leave loads of shit in the loft are scum. 191 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:39,520 You...are scum. 192 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,120 Yeah. I couldn't go up and get some boxes, could I? 193 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,640 No! Piss off! 194 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:48,600 And get your fucking mail redirected. 195 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:01,360 Oh, Jesus! 196 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,360 Hey, what are you doing? 197 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,080 Oh, come on. No, no. They just... 198 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:08,160 They just need a bit of elbow grease, don't they? 199 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,560 They'll be as good as new. 200 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,200 Dad, have you arranged a date to visit Catherine yet? 201 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,840 It's not going to be as scary as you think it is. 202 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,640 I'm not scared of seeing my own daughter, Gemma. OK. 203 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,000 DOOR BUZZER 204 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:22,440 Hello? 205 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,080 STATIC CRACKLES 206 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,080 Dad! 207 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,360 Oh, yeah. It's on... It's on my list, sorry. 208 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,640 Fuckin' 'ell... 209 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,120 I can't stop thinking about you. 210 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,520 Did your wife forget to pack your umbrella? 211 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,880 Dad? 212 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:06,040 Hey, hey. Ta-da! 213 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:06,040 HE LAUGHS 214 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,360 Obviously we'll sew it before we put the sprog in it. 215 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,960 The staples are just for demonstration. 216 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,560 Good, eh? Yeah. 217 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:17,200 Er, Ben... Hi. ..this is my dad, Malcolm. 218 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,920 Dad, this is Ben. Yeah. 219 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:20,520 He's the baby's father. 220 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,240 Yes. 221 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:23,880 Er, it's a... 222 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,480 It's a pleasure to meet you, Malcolm. Yeah. 223 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,960 Would you like some kitchen roll for your hair? 224 00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:34,960 Er...yeah. 225 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,320 Yes, thank you. 226 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,040 Well... 227 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:41,640 Please, just try and be a bit less weird. What do you mean? 228 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,720 Kitchen roll for his hair? 229 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,600 Well, he was wet, and this is super absorbent. 230 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,320 I can go if it's a bad time? 231 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,000 No. No. OK, good. 232 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,920 Cos I'm... I'm quite cold. 233 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,040 It's nice to finally meet 234 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,120 one of your boyfriends, eh, Gemma? He's not my boyfriend. 235 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,480 I don't suppose you've got a spare jumper I could borrow, do you? 236 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,920 Er, yeah, Dad'll have one. Yes. 237 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,920 Yes, I'll endeavour to find one. Great. 238 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:05,120 Endeavour?! 239 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,040 That's good for him. 240 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:10,920 Want these? Oh, yeah. Thanks. Cheers. 241 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,520 Er, the nursery looks... 242 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,120 Looks lovely. Mm. 243 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:22,960 Yeah, my dad decorated it. 244 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,680 He lives with me, by the way. Right. 245 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,360 You probably gathered. Yes. 246 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,600 Looks great. Thank you. 247 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:36,200 Yeah, my mum left and neither of us can afford... 248 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,440 Here we go. Ooh! No, keep going. I'll just pop these on the bed. 249 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,720 Thank you. 250 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,280 Good? Yeah. 251 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,560 I made them myself. Yesterday. 252 00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,280 I mean, they've been in the fridge but, erm, 253 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:03,600 I find that's more to my taste. Lovely. 254 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:04,880 Thanks, Dad. 255 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:06,240 Right, yeah. 256 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,680 You should probably go. I should... 257 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,360 ..but I really don't want to. 258 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:20,640 Plus, fridge spuds are my favourite food. 259 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,480 SHE LAUGHS 260 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,800 Yeah. I mean, you can really taste the... 261 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,320 The fridge. 262 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,000 He sounds like a dick. 263 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,080 Eating your weird snack potatoes without comment. 264 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,200 No, he was ever so nice, actually. Oh, shut up about Ben! 265 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,680 We need to work out how to get into your old loft. OK? 266 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:45,240 Two words. 267 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,600 Home. Invasion. 268 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,760 We smash in the front door of your old place, 269 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,120 we tie up Agnes and Kenny and we take... 270 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,920 We take what's rightfully yours. 271 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,480 Seems a bit extreme. 272 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,400 I thought you'd pussy out of that one, Malc. 273 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,840 All right, backup plan. Have you still got your door key? 274 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,200 Yeah. I couldn't bear to give it back, so.. 275 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,760 Oh, is that them? 276 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,720 Yeah. The ones who bought your gaff. 277 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,880 We let ourselves in while they're out, 278 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,920 we grab the stuff from the loft without the Tuggers even noticing. 279 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,200 Oh, yeah. 280 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,280 Hey, but there's quite a bit of stuff, 281 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:26,320 so we're going to need an extra pair of hands. 282 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:29,440 If you say that fucking toilet, Ben, I'm out. 283 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,720 So, er, before we go to the pub, 284 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:41,240 I thought you might like to see the house Gemma grew up in? 285 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,320 Yeah. I want to know everything about her. 286 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:44,680 You heard him, Malcolm. 287 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:47,160 He's well up for helping with these boxes. 288 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,920 Er...what boxes? No, look, come on. 289 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,600 I mean, yeah, he has some baggage, 290 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,040 but with Ben it's more like a shipping container 291 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,400 that's got a wife, five kids and a Chihuahua in it. 292 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,640 Sorry...five kids?! 293 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,960 Yeah. The older three are at boarding school. 294 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:06,400 Do you think he's got a thing for pregnant women? 295 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:07,760 I'm not going to go into details, 296 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,280 but he's certainly not put off by it. 297 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,120 Lovely, really. Sh! In you go. 298 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,520 Sorry... In here. 299 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,560 Why have you got torches? I mean, should I have a torch? 300 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,440 Hey! You don't get a torch! 301 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:25,160 Aww, that's where Gemma had her first little Wendy house. 302 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,920 Oh, look! Oh, God, and that's where she lost her first tooth. 303 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,400 HE CHUCKLES 304 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:33,400 Oh, that's a shame - they've taken down the stone cladding. 305 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,120 It took me ages to put that up. Tasteless arseholes. 306 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,520 Now fuck Kenny Tugger and his whore mother Agnes. 307 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:43,880 Er...do other people live here now? The Tuggers. The Tuggers. 308 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:47,000 Do they know you're in their house? Of course not. Duh. 309 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,960 Otherwise they'd call the police, wouldn't they? 310 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,360 Whoa. Not so fast, matey. You're an accessory now. 311 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,200 Oh, my God! I'm part of a burglary! 312 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:56,400 No, it'll be fine as long as we don't move or break anything. 313 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,800 OBJECTS SMASH What did he fucking just say, 314 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,120 you giant bellend? I'm sorry! 315 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,920 THEY SCREAM 316 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,520 Oh, shit! 317 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:06,160 Wha...wha...what should I do? 318 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,320 I mean, do WE pull it out or leave it in? 319 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,920 Bit late for that conversation, eh, Malcolm? Shut up! 320 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,240 I hope your DNA's not on a register somewhere. 321 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,080 OK, look, brace yourself, all right? 322 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,920 After three. One, two... 323 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,320 MALCOLM SCREAMS 324 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:20,480 OK. OK. Oh, my God! 325 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,040 Argh! You're bleeding. You're bleeding. Just hold it up. 326 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:26,360 No, you're bleeding. It's dripping! Hold it up. Don't bleed everywhere. 327 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,480 Hold it. Let's be quick. Quick now. 328 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:31,680 Quick. Come on. Come on. Up the stairs. 329 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,400 Go get those boxes. Come on. Up, up, up, up, up! 330 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,640 Sorry, you can't have a relationship with him. 331 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,560 He's got a family! 332 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,480 And a really shit dog. 333 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,360 It's actually a very cute dog. 334 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:48,800 And that's his choice to make, not mine, and certainly not yours. 335 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:51,080 What is he, like, ten years older than you? 336 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,240 I just think it's a bit sordid, that's all. 337 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:54,400 12. 338 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:58,560 And it's the best offer I've had so far. Oh, cool. 339 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,480 So you're happy to tear a family apart, are you? 340 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,840 God, I'm trying to build a family. 341 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,920 With the father of my child. 342 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:07,320 I, er... 343 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:10,760 I just didn't think that's who you were, that's all. 344 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,880 SHE SCOFFS 345 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,280 Get the fuck out. 346 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:17,880 Seriously, fuck off. 347 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,280 Fine. 348 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,240 Wow. 349 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,240 What the hell was all that about? 350 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,080 Oh, come on, babe, you must know. 351 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,080 Fuck off! 352 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,680 Oh, hey! Look at this! Ow! 353 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,520 It's just how I left it. 354 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:43,280 Oh, my "man corner." Oh... 355 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,240 Oh, God. Ben, come here. 356 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,480 Let me give you a little bit of advice. Yeah? 357 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:53,040 There's going to be times when it all gets a bit too much. 358 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:55,600 Especially if you and Gemma go on and have more sprogs. 359 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,920 More? I don't think... 360 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:01,120 Being a dad, it's amazing, 361 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:03,680 but also fucking awful. 362 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:06,920 Sometimes the misery just gets into your bones, you know? 363 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:10,040 And when that happens, you're going to need a little corner 364 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:13,560 where you can take yourself off and just block it all out, you know? 365 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:16,160 Right. A little space in the loft, 366 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,880 with a dog bed, and just lie down and... 367 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,560 ..hide. 368 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,600 Yeah, you're better off getting yourself 369 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,800 a little man bucket for your man mess. 370 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,760 Don't worry. I've emptied that before I moved out. What? Oh... 371 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,040 I think. 372 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:32,480 Yeah. 373 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,640 Oh, look, there he is. 374 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,120 Ha-ha! I put Mr T up there. 375 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:38,920 To give me some inspiration. 376 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,520 Fun fact about Mr T, I thought he died of bowel cancer. 377 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,000 How is that a fun fact? 378 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,560 Do you want me to throw you through the fucking loft hatch?! 379 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,960 No, I... DOOR CREAKS, VOICES 380 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,200 Shite! 381 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:55,120 Pull that up! Quick, get that up! Fuck! 382 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:56,760 Help him get that up. 383 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,120 Oh, shit! 384 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:02,800 Shit! OK. If they do come up, 385 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,480 I've just found this extra-strong piece of garden twine. 386 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,640 MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES 387 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,160 Dad? 388 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,320 Oh, hi, Gemma. Why are you whispering? 389 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,760 We're stuck in the loft of the old house. 390 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:17,200 Me, Derek and Ben. 391 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,080 What? I tell you to not be weird and that's where you end up? 392 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:25,320 Fuck's sake! I was trying to get some old photographs, 393 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,960 but the Tuggers, they wouldn't let me in. The Tuggers? 394 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,640 The massive A-holes who bought the house. Sh! 395 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,200 But, look, they've come home early and we're trapped. 396 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,840 Wait. Wait. Slow down. 397 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:37,080 So you, Derek and Ben are in the old loft 398 00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:39,360 and the new owners don't know you're up there? No. 399 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:40,720 Well, I don't think so, but... 400 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,800 ..Ben did bleed a lot in the front room, so who knows? 401 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,400 What?! Is he OK?! Yeah, yeah. He's a big lad, isn't he? 402 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,400 So he probably had more blood than most of us in the first place, 403 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,560 so he can afford to lose a drop or two. 404 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:53,840 Look, do you think we're in trouble? 405 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,720 For breaking into someone's house, 406 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,520 bleeding all over their carpets and stealing things from their loft? 407 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,280 Yeah. That's on the criminal side of things. 408 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,880 Erm, OK. 409 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,800 Wait there. Do not make a sound. I'm coming over. 410 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,040 Oh, thanks, Gemma. Thanks. 411 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,200 She's coming round. She's coming round. 412 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,760 Oh, Mr T... 413 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,520 Are you sure this is going to work? I hope so. 414 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,280 I can't deal with Dad and Ben being in prison too. 415 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,080 Make some labour noises, then! 416 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,720 SHE GROANS 417 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,720 Yeah, that's it. 418 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,040 Oh, my God, my friend's gone into labour! 419 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,320 Why's she on my drive? That's trespassing. 420 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,840 Cos she's having a baby! Not on my drive, she isn't. 421 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:41,000 I don't want any of that... That muck on my drive. 422 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,840 It'll attract the foxes. Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's going on here? 423 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,000 Silly bint's having a baby on our drive. 424 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,080 I said to her, it'll bring the foxes out. 425 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,080 Kenny Tugger, you little rotter! 426 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,800 Come on, lovey. Let me get you inside. 427 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,080 No, no. I've always wanted a gravel birth. 428 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,880 So maybe you guys could stay outside instead? 429 00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,200 Want me to get the stretcher, Mum? 430 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,120 Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Go on. 431 00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,200 No, no. I can walk, thank you. 432 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,480 Up you get. 433 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:04,800 Ooooh. 434 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,160 Argh. 435 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,000 Thank you. Oh, God... 436 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,040 Oh, dear. 437 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,080 Oh... 438 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,640 BREATHLESSLY: I'm having a panic attack. 439 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,520 Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. 440 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:18,680 Hey, you know what's supposed to be good for a panic attack? 441 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,640 Breathing into a bag. OK. 442 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,240 Oh, God! 443 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,400 Hey! What are you doing? 444 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,120 GRUNTING 445 00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:28,080 Behave yourself! You're such a fucking psycho! 446 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,160 GEMMA GROANS 447 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,160 What the fuck has happened here? 448 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,720 THUMPING FROM UPSTAIRS 449 00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:39,760 Stop it! We should just leave him here to die. Let him bleed out. 450 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,560 What is your fucking problem?! 451 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:44,600 Derek! You're the fucking problem. 452 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,320 You're not good enough for her! 453 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:49,000 MUFFLED SHOUTING 454 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,880 THEY GASP 455 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:55,240 Do you take PayPal, Kenny? 456 00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,040 £6,000! 457 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:01,160 Mm. Yeah, and three stitches. 458 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,400 Honestly not the worst night out I've ever had. 459 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,480 SHE LAUGHS 460 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,440 Plus I got to know Malcolm better. 461 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:12,000 Er...he is odd. 462 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,000 Er, but lovely. 463 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,880 Yeah, he is. 464 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,640 I mean, I'd rather not be living with him. No. 465 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:23,120 He has been pretty great since... 466 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,800 Well... So, I made some calls... 467 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:31,760 ..and there is a flat ready for you next month, if you want it. 468 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,080 You can be settled by the time the baby's born. 469 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,920 A flat? Yeah. 470 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:42,280 Well, I wanted it to be, like, a surprise. Erm... 471 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:43,960 You don't have to pay a penny. 472 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,880 It's yours for as long as you want it. Forever. 473 00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:51,520 Where will you live? 474 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,360 I'd come there every other weekend. 475 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,280 Is that a bad thing? Gemma, look... 476 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,800 ..Allegra takes the kids to Switzerland 477 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,440 for six weeks in the summer, so I'll be around loads then. 478 00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:12,000 You'll be sick of the sight of me. 479 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,200 We can make it work! 480 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:18,120 With me as your bit on the side? 481 00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:20,280 Oh, my God. I can't believe I've been so fucking stupid. 482 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,480 No, no, no, no. What's stupid, Gemma, 483 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,360 is you staying in this poky flat, with your Frankenstein baby clothes, 484 00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:27,800 an intercom that doesn't work and your dad. 485 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:32,120 Oh! So you think this - my life - isn't good enough for your baby. 486 00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:33,520 Well... 487 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,560 ..no. 488 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:39,240 Look. You don't have to do this alone, OK? 489 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,080 I'm not alone. 490 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:46,960 Gemma, I'm offering you a way out. 491 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,400 Right? 492 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,960 Don't be a stupid bitch about it. 493 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,760 Hey, you! Fucking hell! 494 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,840 Don't talk to my daughter like that. Yeah, I'm sorry, Malcolm. 495 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,520 I was a bit angry. No, I'd like you to leave now, thanks, Ben. 496 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,760 Just leave, please. Ow! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just... 497 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,240 What is wrong with you people? 498 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,000 Can you go, or I'll call Derek. On your way. 499 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:07,880 Gemma, I care about you. 500 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:11,320 Go on. Come on. Out you go. I'm going. 501 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,560 Yeah. Grab your coat, sling your hook. Go on. 502 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:17,040 My wife is horrible! Go on. On your way. 503 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:19,760 Gem? 504 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,240 Gem, are you all right? 505 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,960 It's all right. He's gone. He's gone. 506 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,720 He's gone now. 507 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:29,880 You, erm... 508 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,240 You go and sit down, eh? 509 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:35,000 Go on. I'll make us a cup of tea. 510 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,120 Hey... 511 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,560 I knew he was married with kids 512 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:48,080 and I still pretended it was going to work out. 513 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:51,360 It's probably for the best, isn't it, eh? I mean, you know, 514 00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:54,160 he would have wanted to call the baby... 515 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:55,280 ..Humphrey or something. 516 00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:59,960 Oh, hey - hey, we haven't looked at these yet, have we? 517 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,080 Look, some photies. Hey. 518 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,760 Oh, and look what I found, hey? 519 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:06,320 Your favourite. 520 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:11,080 Dolly Wiggins. Dolly, Dolly, Dolly. 521 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:12,800 Dolly belonged to Cat, Dad. 522 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,960 Did she? 523 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:17,400 Oh, right. 524 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:19,800 Yeah. 525 00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:25,800 Come on. Come on. 526 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,360 Come on, Malcolm. Be strong. 527 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:31,960 HE SOBS 528 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,840 I'm so sorry, Catherine. 529 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,120 I failed you as a father. 530 00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:43,280 Oh, my God, Dad, you're being so embarrassing. 531 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:46,560 Can you forgive me? Yes, if you just shut up. 532 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,160 Well, I'm sorry. 533 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:54,800 I got you something. 534 00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:56,320 Guess who I found? 535 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:01,600 Dolly Wiggins. 536 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,040 HE LAUGHS 537 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,000 That's amazing. 538 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,080 Thanks, Dad. 539 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:13,600 It's all right, my darling. 540 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,040 There's nothing in here. 541 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,720 Why the fuck would you bring this in 542 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:27,520 if there's no drugs in its head? 543 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:29,600 Oh! 544 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:29,600 HE GROANS