1 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:14,320 Hiya. Hey. 2 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:17,600 Oh, we're not a couple, by the way. 3 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,680 I am single and open to offers. 4 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,240 CHUCKLES 5 00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:24,000 Maybe here's not the best place to be soliciting for male attention. 6 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:27,080 Hello! Hello, hello, hello. 7 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:31,640 My name's Twinky and I'll be leading the classes for mummies-to-be 8 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,280 and, er...and very good pals. 9 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:36,760 So, firstly, can I ask you all, 10 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:39,040 what is this? 11 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:41,560 The most beautiful thing in the world. 12 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:52,080 So, yeah, if you'd like to download my hypno birthing album, 13 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:56,120 it's, er, 17 tracks of me whispering affirmations. 14 00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,160 It's only £15.99 on iTunes. 15 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,760 It's good. 16 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:03,080 Naughty Twinky! I'm not supposed to tell you that. 17 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:04,400 So don't inform the bosses. 18 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,240 TWINKY LAUGHS 19 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,240 Did we have any questions? 20 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,880 Yeah, I just wanted to ask about pain relief. 21 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,080 Why? 22 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,320 Because giving birth is really painful. 23 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,680 Which naughty scamps told you that? 24 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,480 Dorothy Downer been telling a few fibs, has she? 25 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:24,200 Sorry, are you trying to tell us that giving birth isn't painful? 26 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,800 Because that isn't what any of the baby books say. 27 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:28,120 Don't like books. 28 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:31,280 Actually, the most beautiful, natural feeling in the world 29 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,280 is the exquisite pain of childbirth. 30 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:37,040 So, let's not listen to any pessimistic little girlies. 31 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:38,400 That one's for you! 32 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:42,000 What if I tear? 33 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:45,840 Well, that's what Mummy Nature has demanded of your body, 34 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,400 and your body has answered her call. 35 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,040 Next. 36 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:51,440 What if I die? 37 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:54,880 Some people think that dying in childbirth 38 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:58,200 is actually better than medical intervention. 39 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,320 Although that's not something I can publicly endorse. 40 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:02,360 Again. 41 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,680 Oh, yeah. What now? 42 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,320 Twinky, how many babies have you had? 43 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,240 Yeah, erm... 44 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,160 I am mummy to three... 45 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:17,040 ..very feisty French bulldogs. 46 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,840 They didn't travel down your cervix though? 47 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:22,760 Oh, mate, she knows nothing about having a baby. 48 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:26,560 Those doggies suckled on my teats for two months, actually. 49 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:29,240 So, take your bad attitude, you're barred. Get out. 50 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,080 GROANS SOFTLY 51 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,160 I only wanted to know about pain relief. 52 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,640 Did Mum have any drugs? 53 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,000 Oh, I can't remember. 54 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,640 She was definitely angry. But then your mum was always angry. 55 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:48,400 Giving birth or being annoyed at me putting up some wonky wallpaper, 56 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,560 it all just blends into one long shout. 57 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:53,080 Dad, why are you measuring my walls? 58 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:55,280 Oh! It's a surprise. 59 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,800 I'm not sure I want a surprise that involves a drill. 60 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,080 Oh, all right, I was just, erm... 61 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,800 I was just trying to be useful, you know. 62 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,240 No, I know. Sorry. 63 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,160 I just get worried about 64 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:13,200 how a baby's going to fit in to all of this. 65 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:14,240 Hey. 66 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:19,120 They're only little. 67 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,600 You know, in Finland, they give you a box to put them in 68 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,040 for the first couple of months. 69 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,480 Derek was telling me about it. 70 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:27,840 Hey? 71 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,320 Now, we can fit a box in here, can't we? 72 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,200 DRILLING 73 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,760 DRILL HITS OBSTACLE 74 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,760 Oh, bollocks! 75 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,720 So, your solicitor called me. 76 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,280 You're not pleading guilty, then? 77 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,080 Course I'm not. 78 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:50,640 You are guilty. 79 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,440 I have a very strong case. 80 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:53,720 What case? 81 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:55,400 Sex game gone wrong. 82 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,560 You paid someone to push your fiance down the stairs. 83 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:00,840 I did... 84 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:05,320 ..but it was part of a sex game gone wrong. 85 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,520 How is that a sex game gone wrong? 86 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:10,000 Oh, I don't want to have to spell it out for you, Gemma. 87 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,080 Well, you're going to have to spell it out to a jury. 88 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,880 I knew you would kink-shame me. 89 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,240 You are so vanilla, Gemma. 90 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,400 No, it's not vanilla to not pay for someone 91 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:21,960 to be pushed off a fire escape as part of a sex game. 92 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,760 Yeah. Vanilla! 93 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,800 You and Dad will still be there, though, right? At the trial? 94 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,640 It's two weeks after my due date. 95 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:30,920 Gemma! 96 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,960 I'm going to try, I promise. 97 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,400 But I'm not sure I can even bring a two-week-old. 98 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,320 Isn't it contempt of court or something? 99 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,440 Can't Auntie Jess look after it or summat? Nope. 100 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,960 Her and Dad haven't spoken for years. 101 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,520 What about the father? 102 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,080 You remember I went on holiday to Portugal? 103 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,080 It happened on the flight back. That's where I got pregnant. 104 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:52,800 On the plane? Mm-hm. 105 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,040 In the toilet. With a total stranger. 106 00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,200 Not so vanilla now, eh? 107 00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,840 Oh, super vanilla. 108 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:02,480 You come back to me when you've done it in the cargo hold 109 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,240 next to a crate containing two drugged-up German Shepherds. 110 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:06,760 All right? 111 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:09,880 That didn't happen. 112 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,240 WHISPERS: It did. 113 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,600 Yeah, I think the whole Becoming Mummies business model 114 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,520 is based on none of us having a clue. 115 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:21,040 Which is why I called Jess earlier. 116 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:23,760 Jess? 117 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:24,880 Your sister. 118 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:26,360 Who else would I be talking about? 119 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,160 I don't know. Erm... Jessica Fletcher? 120 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,000 Dead, fictional Jessica Fletcher? 121 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,160 No, not her. 122 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:34,480 Auntie Jess. Her and Tyrone 123 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:36,800 have invited us over for dinner this weekend. 124 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,880 I'd, erm... I'd rather not, thanks. 125 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,400 Come on. 126 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,960 See the new house. She says they've just got a hot tub. 127 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:46,160 Yeah? Well, I'm not...not a hot tubby type of person, am I? 128 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,400 Please, Dad. 129 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,720 Be really helpful for me to talk to Jess about all this. 130 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,160 She's been through it, you know, having a baby on her own. 131 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,160 Well, I'm sorry, I'm double-booked. 132 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,120 You're not even single-booked. 133 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,920 Tyrone's not that bad. 134 00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:00,600 Well, not to you, but he hates me, doesn't he? 135 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,040 I think it's cos he used to suck cocks for crack. 136 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,800 Why would that be the reason he hates you? 137 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,800 I don't know. You know, maybe I remind him of a punter 138 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,440 who ran off without paying. 139 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:13,160 Dad, you can't not see your sister because her boyfriend bullies you. 140 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:16,040 I know he bangs on a lot about the cocks and the crack, 141 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,280 but he has a skip hire business now. 142 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:19,960 You know, maybe he's mellowed. 143 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,560 You can't avoid him forever. 144 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,920 Well, I've avoided him for three years. 145 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:25,400 Just need to carry on for a bit longer 146 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:26,600 until one of us dies, don't I? 147 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,760 I don't want that now. 148 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,120 Hold your breath, Gemma. 149 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:33,920 I'm just fixing Winnie's do. 150 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,400 The advice isn't to hold your breath around chemicals, 151 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:37,880 it's to avoid them altogether. 152 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,680 What's that, Rita, love? 153 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,680 Oh, apparently hairspray makes boy baby bits go all small. 154 00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:44,920 It's PC gone mad. 155 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,720 Hairspray can cause genital growth defects in baby boys. 156 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:48,960 I'm not making it up. 157 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,440 Big Pharma told her. 158 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,200 Is it a boy then, Gemma? 159 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,200 I don't know. I want it to be a surprise. 160 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:57,040 Oh, like a Kinder egg? Yeah. 161 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,840 I mean, if I give birth to a small plastic camel 162 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:02,320 that comes in three parts, that would be surprising. 163 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,120 Do you want kids, Rita? 164 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,520 Me? No. 165 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,880 Love my fanny too much. I mean, I'm still as tight as 166 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,680 the lid on a jar of out-of-date Marmite down there. 167 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:14,520 You can pass that information on to your father, when you see him later. 168 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:17,240 I can't think of any information I'd want to pass on less. 169 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,720 A little boy with normal-sized bits. 170 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,600 Do you find it weird to think that 171 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,480 maybe you've got a little winky growing inside of you, Gemma? 172 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,720 I do now. Thanks. 173 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,080 Hiya. Lunch? 174 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:33,720 Thank God you're here! 175 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:36,480 Ladies. 176 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,400 He's lovely. 177 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:43,400 Brings her lunch every week and they're not even doing it. 178 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:44,840 I heard that. 179 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,320 Oop! Ahem... 180 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,400 I don't know why I thought they'd offer up wisdom. 181 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:52,760 Rita spent most of yesterday 182 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,320 talking about Ronnie O'Sullivan and puppy farming. 183 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:59,280 Well, er, talking about strange combinations... 184 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,480 ..tuna and lemon curd sandwich as requested. 185 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:06,560 Oh... 186 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,680 You were joking about craving tuna and lemon curd, weren't you? 187 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,120 I'm so sorry! I didn't think you'd actually make it. 188 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,720 I didn't, don't worry. 189 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:18,520 I got this from the, er... the Boots meal deal. 190 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:23,560 Do you want the cheese instead? 191 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,080 Thank you. 192 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:29,160 Pregnancy is so weird. 193 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,600 It is really weird. 194 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,240 Does the baby kick much? 195 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:33,600 Mainly when I'm excited. 196 00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:39,240 Can I? Or is that inappropriate? 197 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,760 Doesn't really feel like kicking anyway. 198 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,760 More like someone's put a bag of eels in my uterus. 199 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:52,200 Did you feel that? 200 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,360 Yeah! 201 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,200 She letting you have a touch? 202 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:56,520 Won't let me near it. 203 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,560 "I want to have a feel, Gemma!" I keep saying to her. 204 00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:02,480 You've got incredibly cold hands, Rita. Yes. 205 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,000 And I am very proud of them. 206 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,560 Should, woulda, coulda been a pastry chef. 207 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:08,400 If I wasn't allergic to pastry. 208 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:14,640 Ten centimetres? 209 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,920 You know, I reckon I could get my head through that. 210 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,520 You think you can fit your head through your daughter's cervix? 211 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,880 Well, now you put it like that, I think... 212 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:26,080 You said you'd be helpful. 213 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,040 Sometimes baby does get stuck in the birth canal 214 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:31,320 and needs a little bit of help to get out. 215 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,640 Does anyone know what we would use in that situation? 216 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:34,880 Oh, me! Yeah? 217 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,280 Butter. 218 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,840 Nobody uses butter to get babies out. 219 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,400 For fuck's sake. 220 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:44,280 That's actually a very good suggestion. 221 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,680 Anything natural, 222 00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:48,000 over those nasty instruments. 223 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,040 Sorry, so butter is better than forceps? Yep. 224 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:57,040 So, after baby's born, Mummy will need to birth the placenta. 225 00:09:57,040 --> 00:10:00,040 Oh, we didn't have that, when you were little. 226 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,200 The placenta? 227 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,840 Yeah, yeah, your mum didn't have that. That's a modern thing, that. 228 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,480 Yeah, it's... It's woke, isn't it? 229 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,600 So, you can have a hormone injection to speed things up. 230 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,160 What's better? Having it or not? 231 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:14,320 Well, having the injection cuts the chances of Mummy haemorrhaging. 232 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:19,080 But it's not as beneficial to baby. 233 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,520 Oh, well, you're not having that. 234 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,480 She's not having that. 235 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:25,040 If it's better for the baby, then you're not having that. 236 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:27,480 Now, don't forget that you can buy 237 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,400 my organic mummy and baby supplements. 238 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,920 Just £19.99 a bottle, so... 239 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,680 Just grab those on your way out. 240 00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:36,520 LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY 241 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:41,000 Oh, we do find that natural mummies like these, so probably not for you. 242 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,280 You want to be helpful? 243 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:48,120 Come with me to see Auntie Jess. 244 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,560 Whoa! I wonder how many cocks you'd have to suck 245 00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,080 to get a house this big. 246 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,120 Reckon Tyrone lives there? 247 00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:04,800 I really don't want to do this, Gemma. 248 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,800 I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you. 249 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,080 Oh! Hiya! You've found us. 250 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,880 Malc. Gemma. 251 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,000 Oh, it's not a fucking skip! 252 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,480 Fuck's sake. It is a skip. 253 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,040 No, it's an advert for Tyrone's skip hire company 254 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,160 but the neighbours think it's a skip. 255 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,640 Because it's a skip. It's not a SKIP! 256 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,520 Oh, it's lovely to see you both. 257 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,000 Shall we? 258 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,400 Oh... 259 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:35,880 CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY 260 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,640 You look well, Jess. Yeah. 261 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,400 Tyrone pays for me to get a colonic once a month, so... 262 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,040 Ooh, trifle! Thank you. 263 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,160 OK. Come on then. 264 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,240 You can do this. 265 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,120 Now we're in the new house, 266 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,280 Tyrone has a very good footwear system in place. 267 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:58,800 "Footwear system"? 268 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,800 Shoes off. You can pop some slippers on before leaving the air lock. 269 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,040 Then when we head outside, 270 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,560 there'll be garden sliders for everyone by the patio doors. 271 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,240 Ooh! 272 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,840 Oh, eh! Nice new house, Jess. 273 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:20,600 Are you going to give us a tour? Yeah... 274 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,720 Actually, I don't want either of you going upstairs. 275 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:27,120 But Jess can videocall you from the landing, show you round that way? 276 00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:28,560 OK. It's fine, thanks. 277 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:30,280 How's the warehouse then, Malcy? 278 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,760 Been promoted to tea boy yet? 279 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:33,440 I wish! 280 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,480 I'm sorry again about Davina. 281 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:41,320 Do you need a wee, love? Yeah. OK, go to the loo. 282 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,160 Don't you dare piss on those slippers! 283 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:48,960 By the way, Gemma, congratulations, love! 284 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:51,000 Aw. Thank you. 285 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:54,000 It's just a little something from me and Tyrone. 286 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,040 Aww! Yeah. 287 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,080 Ooh... 288 00:12:58,080 --> 00:12:59,280 Cabbage leaves? 289 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,160 Yeah, it was Tyrone's idea. 290 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,920 You stick 'em in your bra when your boobs get sore. 291 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:07,000 I mean, they'll be rotten by the time the baby comes, 292 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,640 but it's the thought that counts, isn't it? 293 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,840 Yeah. You know, I have heard some breast-feeding horror stories. 294 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,800 Oh, yeah. I could only face it for 24 hours. 295 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:17,440 I've got that Sad Nipple Syndrome. 296 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,440 What? Sad Nipple Syndrome. 297 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,960 It's where if anything or anyone touches my nipples, 298 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,920 I'm just overwhelmed with a sense of melancholy. 299 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:30,960 She telling you about her unhappy fun bags? Yeah. 300 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,200 That's not a real thing. Oh, it is a real thing. 301 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,840 Yeah. Sad Nipple Syndrome's a real thing. 302 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,040 I can't go anywhere near them 303 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,960 without Jess feeling existential malaise. 304 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,720 Ain't that right, baby? Yeah. 305 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,040 Her arse, though... 306 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,800 SLAPS JESS 307 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,800 Oh! 308 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,360 THEY LAUGH 309 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,360 Cheeky. Yeah. 310 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,480 I built that skip hire business from the ground up with hard graft. 311 00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:01,120 Zero cocks, zero crack. 312 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,400 Amazing. No cocks whatsoever? 313 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,840 I've got the car, I've got the house. 314 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,840 All that was left was the hot tub. 315 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,520 Lamb casserole, Malcolm. 316 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,920 LAUGHS TIMIDLY 317 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,920 My favourite. 318 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,320 Davina could never eat lamb. 319 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,560 You know, cos she liked that film Bambi so much. 320 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,200 Oh, yeah. 321 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,160 Dad, Bambi was a deer, not a lamb. 322 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:30,600 Oh, she must have got those mixed up then, sorry. 323 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,800 Yet Davina couldn't keep away from the kebab table at your ma's 70th. 324 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,480 Maybe she loved lamb, but you just couldn't provide her with any. 325 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:39,960 She doesn't like it, Dad. 326 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,720 How many weeks are you, Gemma? 28. 327 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,080 Third trimester! Exciting. Yeah. 328 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:50,800 I was hoping you had some advice, actually. 329 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,120 Never eat yellow snow. 330 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,160 Is that the only thing you won't put in your mouth? 331 00:14:58,320 --> 00:14:59,840 I mean about being a single mum. 332 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,840 Oh, we don't discuss things like that at the dinner table. 333 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,080 Things like what? 334 00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:06,080 Jess's past. Ty, I'll be quick. 335 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:09,400 Why don't you boys get some more drinks, eh? 336 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:10,840 Go on. 337 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,360 Come on. 338 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:17,840 He doesn't like to think about stuff like that. 339 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:19,880 My bits are very special to him. 340 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,480 Yeah. 341 00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,520 Do you wish you'd waited to have Mia? 342 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:27,520 There's never an ideal time to have a baby. 343 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,680 You can be in the perfect relationship, 344 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,840 with the perfect bank balance and then, 345 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,400 in the blink of an eye, life can fuck it all up. 346 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,560 A friend of mine was married, great job, 347 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:41,680 had a baby with the love of her life but then he... 348 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,120 Cheated? 349 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,360 ..got eaten by a shark in Thailand. 350 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:55,480 You see that? 351 00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:59,040 That air fryer cost me a grand. 352 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,480 Never used it. 353 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:02,720 Never needed to. No idea what it does. 354 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,440 And I wasn't alone. 355 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:10,360 Your dad would always come over if I needed anything fixing or painting. 356 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,440 He'd bring you and Catherine, and babysit Mia if I wanted a night out. 357 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,360 God, I don't remember any of that. 358 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:18,600 Look, I know he can be a real wally sometimes, but... 359 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,640 ..he's going to love that baby more than anything in the world. 360 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:24,960 And then, later on, if you find someone to pay for 361 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,680 a little nip and tuck downstairs, then even better. 362 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,320 Oh, here he is. 363 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,520 When do people get in the hot tub, then? Is it after dessert, 364 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,120 or are you saving it for your sex parties? 365 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,640 They'll be no-one getting in my hot tub. 366 00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:38,840 Even I'm not allowed in the hot tub. 367 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,240 Thank God, eh, Malcolm? Malcy here's scared of hot tubs, in't he? 368 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:43,800 Are you? 369 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,280 I don't know. 370 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:47,520 He is. He definitely is. 371 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:50,840 Erm, well, you know, they're not my favourite thing anyway, so, yeah. 372 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,600 You two are just here to look at it and admire it. 373 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,680 There'll be no grubby people getting in my hot tub. 374 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,000 Isn't there chlorine in it? 375 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,400 Yeah, I can afford chlorine, Gemma! Jesus. 376 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,760 I just don't want people, other than me, in it. 377 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,840 You wouldn't get in a bath with me, would you? 378 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,520 Absolutely not. 379 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,200 No. No, I wouldn't, no. 380 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:19,360 I'd like to thank everyone for coming here today, 381 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:22,640 to celebrate me and Jess hitting a milestone in our relationship. 382 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,080 Ten years ago, when I first met Jess, 383 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:26,880 I was on my knees sucking cocks for crack. 384 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,520 I was good at it. 385 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,920 I sucked a lot of cocks, but I also got a lot of crack. 386 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,880 I didn't realise, at the time, that I'd hit rock bottom. 387 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:38,480 I quite enjoyed it, actually. 388 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:41,440 But then Jess gave me an ultimatum, 389 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,400 that night in Pizza Express. 390 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,600 She said stop sucking cocks for crack, or lose her. 391 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,720 So, I stopped. 392 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,040 And now here I am, a decade later 393 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,640 with the most successful skip hire business in the North West. 394 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:57,560 So, I'd like to raise a glass. 395 00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:00,280 To the hot tub. 396 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,280 Ah, OK. 397 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:04,600 Hot tub. 398 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,920 You know, you and that baby are totally fucked 399 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,520 if you think he's going to be of any use. 400 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,440 Dad's been a lot more helpful than you'd expect, actually. 401 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:15,200 You all know it. Jess knows it. 402 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,960 Useless brother, useless husband, useless dad. 403 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,680 And he'll be a useless grandad to that little baby. 404 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,160 And he's scared of hot tubs. 405 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,400 It's the only reason I bought one, 406 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,280 to see the fear in Malcolm's eyes. 407 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:27,440 I'm not. 408 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,680 I've remembered now and I'm not. 409 00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:29,880 Yeah, I didn't think he was. 410 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,240 Yeah, you are. Otherwise, what's this fucking tea all about? 411 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,200 Right, I'll show you! 412 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,320 What's he doing? What's your dad doing? 413 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:37,560 I honestly have no idea. 414 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,920 Malcolm! Sliders off before you go in the house, Malcolm! 415 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,320 Malcolm! Dad, what are you doing? 416 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,600 Right. I'll show you. No, no... No! 417 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,160 I'm going to show you. 418 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,160 What are you... Oi! Oh, my God! 419 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,560 No! Weyyyy, ha-ha! 420 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:51,920 Right, I'm going to sit in here 421 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,120 and eat my lovely trifle by my lovely daughter. 422 00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:57,320 And I'm going to let this water float away all my cares. 423 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,920 Malcolm, get out of that hot tub. 424 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,560 No! Oh, eh... 425 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,960 JESS AND GEMMA LAUGH Whoa! No! 426 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,400 That's going to fuck the filter. 427 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,640 Get out, Malcolm! Hey, this is good, love. 428 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:11,000 Jess, he's made it all mucky. He's made it all mucky. I know, baby. 429 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,000 Oh, fantastic party, Tyrone. 430 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,440 Look at that. 431 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:17,360 Bloody lovely. 432 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,400 Is your partner late again? 433 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,080 No, I'm doing it alone, actually. 434 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,200 SADLY: Oh... 435 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:31,600 Hello, everyone, I'm Dr Rush. 436 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:35,760 I've been asked to take over this Becoming Mummies course 437 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,360 because Twinky has been arrested. 438 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,840 Let's get some questions and we can see where the gaps are. 439 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,680 Is it possible to legally force the midwife 440 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:48,160 to follow my birth plan to the letter? 441 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,560 And can we sue them if they don't? 442 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:58,000 Planning a birth is like planning a car crash. 443 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,600 We all know what we'd like to happen, steer into the skid, 444 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:05,680 but sometimes you just have to take your hands off the wheel. 445 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,520 That's a no, then, is it? 446 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,640 A birth plan is what you hope for. 447 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:14,440 Not what's actually going to happen. 448 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,520 That's not what Twinky said. 449 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,560 Well, Twinky was a bell-end. 450 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:22,240 You have no control over any of this, 451 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:23,840 beyond your own attitude. 452 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,880 That's what makes this all so terrifying. 453 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:28,640 But empowering, too. 454 00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,600 Can I ask my partner to try and avoid pain relief? 455 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:34,960 I mean, she should ignore you. 456 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,200 But, yeah, you can ask her. 457 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,320 Why don't you try slamming his balls into a car door? 458 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,320 And if he can get through that without pain relief, 459 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:42,760 then have the conversation. 460 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,200 Hey. I have something to show you. 461 00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:58,720 MALCOLM LAUGHS 462 00:20:58,720 --> 00:20:59,960 OK. 463 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:03,920 GEMMA GASPS 464 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:05,720 Ta-dah! 465 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:08,920 Dad... 466 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,480 Oh, Dad! Yeah? Eh? 467 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:18,880 Not so useless now, am I? 468 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,520 No. Amazing drill work. 469 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,400 Yeah, well, I know my way around a joist. 470 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,160 I don't even know what a joist is. 471 00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:30,800 I'm so glad you like it. 472 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:33,800 I'll put dinner on. 473 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,040 Shit! What was that? 474 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,800 Nothing, nothing. 475 00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:52,560 Shite!