1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,480 This programme contains strong language 2 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:11,320 Dad! 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:12,960 The bin's full again? 4 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:16,240 Oh, er, yeah. 5 00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:18,360 No, no, 6 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:20,200 that's going to block the toilet. 7 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:21,960 Oh, nonsense. 8 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:23,160 Eh? 9 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:25,360 I've flushed bigger fish than that down the lavvy. 10 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:26,760 Goldfish are tiny. 11 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,280 Oh, no, not a goldfish. 12 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:31,240 Derek had a koi carp once for about 24 hours. 13 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,560 We had to cut it into three to get it around the u-bend, 14 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:35,360 but Diana flushed away no problem. 15 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,440 Right, OK. 16 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:39,720 Well, it's bin day, and this hasn't been taken out, 17 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:41,040 even though it's one of your jobs. 18 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:42,280 And that means that the bin men... 19 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:43,920 Oh, er, bin people. 20 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,800 Aren't going to collect it, 21 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:48,040 which means I'm going to have to take it to the tip this afternoon. 22 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:49,520 Well, just drop it into number 16. 23 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:51,000 She'll never notice. 24 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,160 Yeah, well, obviously I'm going to do that, 25 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:54,680 but can you at least empty it? 26 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,000 Soz. 27 00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,440 Oh. Oh! 28 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:01,720 Is that the baby kicking? 29 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:03,720 Are you serious? 30 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:07,040 Well, I don't know when they get legs, do I, Gemma, I'm not a doctor. 31 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,440 I don't know these things. 32 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,080 I didn't even know it was bin day. 33 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:11,840 It's on the calendar - look. 34 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:13,160 Oh, yeah. 35 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:16,600 Oh! Oh! 36 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,320 Sorry, sorry! 37 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:23,760 GEMMA RETCHES 38 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:28,120 Oh! 39 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:32,280 No. 40 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:34,800 No, no, no, no, no, no. 41 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,560 You've been here less than a month. 42 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,240 What? 43 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,040 Oh, my God! 44 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:42,640 It's my coat, isn't it? 45 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,000 Don't worry. 46 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,360 What's this? Your hormones? No, Dad, it's you! 47 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:48,920 Why can't you behave like a fully-grown adult? 48 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:50,480 Because your mum never taught me. 49 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:53,320 What? How to be a functioning human being? That wasn't her job. 50 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:54,520 It was. 51 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:56,720 Who else is supposed to teach me what to flush down the lavvy? 52 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,880 Or what to use to mop up bin juice? 53 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:00,800 Right, nothing but toilet roll 54 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,160 and literally anything but a coat. 55 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,400 Better?! Oh. 56 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,200 Fine, I'll ask Dad instead. 57 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:20,840 He's not even visited yet 58 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,880 and you're going to ask Dad to smuggle a phone into prison 59 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:25,160 up his arse canal? 60 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:26,240 Yeah. 61 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:27,680 And what if he enjoyed it? 62 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:29,080 Cos you know what men are like. 63 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:30,360 God's sake. 64 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:32,400 So how's it going with the...? 65 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,160 Oh, my pregnancy? 66 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:36,160 Yeah. There's not much for me to do now. 67 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,000 I just need to let the egg do its thing. 68 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,400 Have you told Mum? 69 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,280 Yeah, yeah, she texted me, 70 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:42,640 "Good luck, you'll need it." 71 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,800 And a gif of someone blowing their brains out. 72 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,360 Oh! 73 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:49,360 Eh, well, I hope Daddy Bear's loaded. 74 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:50,800 What are you asking for? 75 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,840 Total buyout or monthly repayments? 76 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,680 Jesus Christ, it's a baby, not a BMW. 77 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,040 All right. 78 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,720 And I'm not entirely sure who the father is. 79 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,640 I should be able to work it out once I have my ultrasound. 80 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,160 You should be able to? 81 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:07,320 I won't be judged by a woman who tried to have her fiance murdered. 82 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,200 Tried and failed. 83 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,760 How can it be a crime if you don't achieve it? 84 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:14,440 That's what my girls say. 85 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:15,680 Your girls? 86 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,040 Finally made it onto the D-Block girls' squad. 87 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,600 We all look out for each other. 88 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,640 You know, if you're having a bad day, you got menstrual cramps, 89 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:24,280 or you need an alibi 90 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:26,120 cos some evil bitch needs a cutting. 91 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:28,200 How do you do it? 92 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:31,320 Well, usually someone just smuggles a blade from the kitchen. 93 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:32,960 No. 94 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:34,960 Make friends. 95 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,720 You've always had loads, 96 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,600 even though you're a bit of a sociopath. 97 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,840 Just a people person, Gemma. 98 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,480 You push women away. 99 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:45,640 And you push men off fire escapes. 100 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:47,760 BELL RINGS 101 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:49,040 Right, that's it. 102 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:50,360 Quick! 103 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,760 I told you to stop putting stuff up your arse! 104 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:54,240 I told him to stop! 105 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:57,280 I don't even need a new vape pen. 106 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:01,000 Up his arse. 107 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,560 Yeah. 108 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,320 What is going on? 109 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,520 It's called peacocking. 110 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,640 And it's a fantastic way to pick up women. 111 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,560 Women with no self-esteem from 2004? 112 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,160 Oh, so boring. 113 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:25,360 Cheers, king. 114 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:26,760 Oh. 115 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:29,720 So, Malcolm, how would you 116 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:32,200 like to be a hit with the ladies? 117 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,040 Maybe, you know, eventually. 118 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,360 Mm-hm, yeah. 119 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:36,840 Then I have three words for you. 120 00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:39,760 Close...up...magic. 121 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,920 If you can manipulate a ball into a cup, 122 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,120 you can manipulate a woman into bed. 123 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,960 Dad, a word. 124 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,040 You know I tolerate him. 125 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:57,960 But I think you need new friends. 126 00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,440 What's wrong with Derek? 127 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:01,200 He's dressed like a pantomime pirate. 128 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,400 BANGING 129 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:05,480 Oh, fuck, not again! 130 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,760 Well, he's my best mate. 131 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,160 Is he, though? 132 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,920 You're going through a divorce and I'm pregnant. 133 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:15,000 No offence, you're driving me nuts. 134 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,160 I think we need a support network of normal friends. 135 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,920 Derek's going through a divorce and all, isn't he? 136 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:22,400 He's not normal. 137 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,840 I got the real mouse and the fake mouse mixed up. 138 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,400 This is for your UTI. 139 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:43,840 Thanks. 140 00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,760 So, how are you feeling about everything? 141 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:48,160 Yeah, OK. 142 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:49,280 I guess. 143 00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:50,680 How am I supposed to be feeling? 144 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:51,920 Excited? 145 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:53,200 Happy? 146 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,080 Nervous, scared? 147 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:57,040 Yeah, all of those. 148 00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:58,880 Except for happy, maybe. 149 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,800 But who's happy, eh? 150 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:05,160 I saw women on the news having babies in literal war zones, 151 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,360 so if they're fine, then... 152 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,200 Mm, I don't think they are fine. 153 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,320 I think they're deeply traumatised. 154 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,200 Ah-ha, yeah. 155 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:17,040 Well, what I'm saying is I'm not in a war zone, so I should be fine. 156 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,240 According to the news. 157 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:22,720 We run a coffee morning here on a Thursday 158 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,920 for mummies-to-be to find friends. 159 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,240 Two mummies got on so well, they're getting married next year. 160 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:28,520 I bet the daddies weren't happy. 161 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:30,840 No, no, they tried to sue us. 162 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,560 But there's a... 163 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,400 ..flyer here if you're interested. 164 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,600 Thanks, but I've actually got loads of female friends. 165 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,000 Oh, really? 166 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,520 Mm-hm. What are their names? 167 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:42,920 Their names. 168 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:44,040 Yeah. 169 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,440 Well, you've got Cheryl. 170 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:48,960 Um, Nadine. 171 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,800 Sarah. 172 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,440 Kimberley and... 173 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:55,160 What's the other one called? 174 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:56,440 Nicola? 175 00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:58,240 Nicola, yes! 176 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,960 I'm going to take one of these. 177 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,720 Not because I need it. 178 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:10,440 Malc, 179 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:13,840 a ropey Korean buffet has wiped out the entire front office. 180 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,640 Boss needs you to go customer facing. 181 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,440 Oh, can't...can't Jamie do it 182 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,600 because he likes talking to outsiders, doesn't he? 183 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:22,480 He likes showing them his extra nipple too. 184 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:23,840 He's got a thripple? 185 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,600 Which is why Jamie no longer works here. 186 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,880 So get to it, yeah? 187 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,520 Unless you want some shifts cutting next rota. 188 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,080 There's a good lad. 189 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:50,160 Cherry, hey! 190 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,200 Great to see you, how have you been? 191 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:54,920 What a fucking awful thing to say to me, Gemma. 192 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,320 What? Why? 193 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,040 Don't pretend you don't know. 194 00:07:58,040 --> 00:07:59,440 Everybody knows. 195 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,080 I honestly don't. 196 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:03,480 Lance left me and the kids. 197 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,160 He left me for a much younger woman. 198 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,000 How much younger? 199 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,360 She's 16. 200 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:09,760 Oh, God. 201 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,280 You know what those rugby guys are like. 202 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,720 Oh, he was doing a special visit to a children's home, 203 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,680 and she just hooked her claws in. 204 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,000 Bitch. 205 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:19,600 Right. 206 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,880 Well, I'm really sorry that happened to you, Cherry. 207 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,880 Hey, maybe we should have a mad night out, 208 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,080 you know, like the old days. 209 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:26,560 We've never been out together before. 210 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:29,240 We've been in the same place at the same time. 211 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:30,600 Might cheer you up. 212 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:31,960 I thought you were only hanging around 213 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,360 with people you were shagging. 214 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:35,160 Nope, that's the old me. 215 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:38,120 OK, I've been listening to a lot of feminist podcasts. 216 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:40,440 Friendzies before menzies. 217 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:42,840 All right. 218 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:46,120 Look, Tamika Chase is having a party on Saturday at Alfredo's, 219 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:48,960 and, um, I need a wing woman to help me get laid. 220 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,080 Wasn't Tamika Chase a real bitch at school? 221 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,120 Didn't she superglue you to a tin of peaches? 222 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:54,760 A catering-sized tin of peaches. 223 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,720 That's why I don't want to go on my own. 224 00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,120 Well, I can't wait. 225 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,240 All right, great, I'll get some coke in. 226 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,200 Help take the edge off the bullying. 227 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,200 See you there. See you there. 228 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,800 Oh! 229 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,000 My coffee hero. 230 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,680 Thanks again for that. 231 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,360 You're a real life-saver. 232 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:20,720 Xander. 233 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,760 Don't mention it. You know, buying coffee, using a defib. 234 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:25,200 It's all part of the training. 235 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,360 That's £9.65. 236 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,160 Unless you're exempt. 237 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:31,680 No, no. 238 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,800 Fully employed and fit. 239 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,600 Apart from... 240 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,640 Well, make sure you take the whole course, 241 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:40,200 even if it does clear up sooner... 242 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:42,840 ..Gemma. 243 00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:44,680 Oh, it definitely will. 244 00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:47,720 There's barely an infection in my urinary tract at all... 245 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,080 ..Xander. 246 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:02,760 Sorry. 247 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:09,040 Er, hello. 248 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:10,600 Hello. 249 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,440 Hello, how can I help you? 250 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:13,600 Hi! 251 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,400 Who's actually in charge here? 252 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,640 Cos I've got three jobs I'm managing, 253 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,640 all still waiting on those bloody tiles... 254 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,680 ..I ordered weeks ago. 255 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:25,320 Are you looking for someone to shout at? 256 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:26,880 Well, I was. 257 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:30,000 Less so now it's just you here, hiding behind a counter. 258 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,880 No, I'm not hiding. I just dropped something. 259 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,280 It was, um... 260 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:34,520 ..a good coin. 261 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,040 Yeah, oh, there it is. 262 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,920 Malcolm Musgrave. 263 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:41,280 Stuart! 264 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:43,520 Your Gemma went to school with my girl? 265 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,120 Stuart. 266 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:46,920 Cor, you look different. 267 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:48,640 Lost 8st. 268 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:51,040 Yeah, and had me jaw completely rebuilt. 269 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,400 Contact lenses. 270 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:53,600 Oh, yeah. 271 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:54,840 How are you? 272 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:56,320 Still playing five-a-side? 273 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,520 Oh, no. 274 00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:58,920 No, my knees. 275 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:00,720 How about that pub band? 276 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:02,600 I had to sell the drum kit, you know, 277 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,920 because Davina wanted a pagoda, so... 278 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,840 Oh, pagodas are nice. 279 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,760 Yeah, she didn't get one in the end. 280 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,920 Look, I should come clean with you, Stuart, that, um... 281 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,360 ..my wife left me. 282 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,360 Mine, too. 283 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:17,800 Sucks, doesn't it? 284 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,360 Yeah. 285 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,320 Did yours become a lesbian? 286 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,240 No, I don't think so. 287 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:25,760 Loads of them have, Malcolm. 288 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,440 Hundreds of them. 289 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,800 I blame the contraceptive pill myself. 290 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,240 You know they never really tested it properly? 291 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,400 I'm pretty sure that's why loads of middle-aged women 292 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:36,280 have become lesbians. 293 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:37,800 Yeah, definitely. 294 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,720 I'm joking. 295 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:43,160 That would be an insane thing to think. 296 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:44,640 Yeah, don't think that. 297 00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:45,800 No. 298 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:49,120 I started this little group for men who were having a tough time. 299 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:50,640 We do boxing. 300 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,560 Does wonders for the old black dog. 301 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,640 Fancy coming along Saturday morning? 302 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,000 Oh, that sounds great. 303 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:00,520 And I like dogs. 304 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,040 They tried to give me the keys at work today. 305 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:09,840 Oh, no, you hate that. 306 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:12,120 Yeah, I'm not a key person, Gemma. 307 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:14,520 First they give you the keys, and then you're on a list 308 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:15,840 in case there's a break-in. 309 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,520 And before you know it, you're on the hook for corporate manslaughter. 310 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,280 Yeah, that's the usual order of events. 311 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:21,760 Well, I made a friend, though. 312 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:23,160 Someone brought their dog in? 313 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,320 No, it was a man and a nice man. 314 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:26,960 Yeah, we've got loads in common. 315 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,920 Like, his wife has left him and all. 316 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,200 And we both miss going to the Wimpy. 317 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,560 And neither of us likes stinging nettles, 318 00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:35,000 so we've got loads in common. 319 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,320 Great! 320 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,800 I made a friend too, actually. 321 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,480 Remember Cherry from school? Mm-hm. 322 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,280 Didn't get on back then, but she has kids now 323 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:42,680 so it could be useful. Right. 324 00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:43,960 Um... 325 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,920 ..do you want some ketchup with that? 326 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:47,880 With my curry? 327 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:50,480 Right, yeah, that's fine. 328 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,480 Fine, yeah. 329 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,120 Jesus! 330 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:55,800 Dad... 331 00:12:57,320 --> 00:12:59,120 Did you buy this from Derek? Yeah. 332 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:00,480 It's good, innit? 333 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:01,960 He said it's a wow with the ladies. 334 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,760 I'm telling you now, it's not. 335 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,200 Come on, Malcolm. 336 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:16,920 Show me that rage. 337 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,040 Yeah, get in contact with how Davina made you feel. 338 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:23,000 She made me feel really horrible, Stuart. 339 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,120 That's why I try not to think of her at all. 340 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,360 Come on, Mal, last big push. 341 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:31,040 U-u-urgh! 342 00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:32,480 A-a-a-argh! 343 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:33,920 BELL RINGS 344 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:40,840 Derek... Derek says the best way to get over someone 345 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:42,240 is to make someone else cry. 346 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,840 You know, you, you shift the pain onto them. 347 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,080 Well, that sounds seriously toxic. 348 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,200 Who's Derek? He's my friend. 349 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,360 Hey. 350 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:54,880 I'm throwing Tam a big 25th tonight. 351 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,640 She's had a tough year 352 00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:58,280 with her mum leaving, 353 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,120 and boyfriend suddenly passed away. 354 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,200 Oh! You'll come? 355 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,520 Bring Derek if you want. 356 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,680 Sounds like he could do with some male support too. 357 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:07,880 Oh, thank you. 358 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,200 Thanks a lot. 359 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:10,720 Keep the gloves. 360 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:12,280 They're a good fit. 361 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:13,640 Oh! 362 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,240 Thanks. 363 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:17,400 HE BREATHES DEEPLY 364 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,200 Hiya. 365 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,240 Great dress! 366 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,040 Cost 400 quid. What? 367 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:28,480 I need 400 quid's worth of dick tonight, babe. 368 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,400 Oof, that's a lot of dick. I can't promise anything. 369 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,480 I better warn you, Tamika Chase still hasn't forgiven you 370 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,080 for the Ross Beakfield stuff. 371 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,120 What Ross Beakfield stuff? 372 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:39,160 CAR HORN TOOTS 373 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:39,160 She's here. 374 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,400 LOUD MUSIC PLAYS 375 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:52,040 Tamika Chase is in da house! 376 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,840 HORN BLARES 377 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,360 Let's get this fucking party started! 378 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,080 Oh, Cherry. 379 00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,120 Do you want to park the bitch machine for me? 380 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,200 Any scratches and I will rip your hair out. Thank you. 381 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,840 See you in a bit. Thank you. 382 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,800 We're going to have a brilliant night. 383 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,680 As long as she doesn't glue us to tinned goods. 384 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:11,720 She might do that. 385 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,400 Right. 386 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:21,960 Shall I park the car? 387 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,000 Yeah? You park the car. 388 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,080 I think so. 389 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,480 Never have children, Gemma. 390 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:34,560 Do you know, since having the kids, my life has become so boring 391 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:37,520 and tiring and boring. 392 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,240 Is it really that bad? Mm. 393 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:40,520 Mm. 394 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:44,360 I'm just so sick of mummy friends and talking about Lego and nits. 395 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:48,280 Wait, what the hell is my dad doing here? 396 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:50,120 That's your dad with Tam's dad? 397 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,720 That's Tamika's dad? 398 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:53,000 Oh, God. 399 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,320 That's a DILF. 400 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:58,120 Hey. For fuck's sake. Derek. 401 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:01,200 My friends call me the big D. I bet they do. 402 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:04,080 Hey, are you my appendix? 403 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,560 Because I have no idea what you do, 404 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,560 but I feel like I should take you out. 405 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,240 Absolutely not, no. 406 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,880 Ugh, eurgh. 407 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,040 I'm going to pretend that never happened. OK, thanks. 408 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,960 I just don't think there's enough support for anyone in crisis, 409 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,280 us fellows included. 410 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:28,120 Yeah, when Davina left, I was in a really terrible place. 411 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:29,440 Mentally? 412 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:30,840 No, it was a bedsit. 413 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,560 Let's just say, you know, there was lots of, like, 414 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,560 sticky stains and stuff everywhere. 415 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,320 You ain't slagging off my gaff again, Malcolm? 416 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:40,360 Derek! No, no, it was a palace, wasn't it? 417 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:41,960 I miss it, I really miss it. 418 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,600 Derek, Stuart, Stuart, Derek. 419 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:47,000 Malcolm was telling me about your bedsit for divorced men. 420 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,760 Yeah, I expect you'll turn up one day with a suitcase full of chinos. 421 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,160 Unlikely. 422 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,600 My company pulled in half a million last quarter. 423 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:55,920 Oh, well done, Stuart. 424 00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:00,960 Mate, there are bags of women in here tonight. 425 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:04,680 Hey, I was talking to Stuart, he's a really nice guy. 426 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:05,960 Who likes nice men? 427 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:09,200 No, mate, these hoes are primed for you to make a move. 428 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,680 Come on. You know what to do. 429 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:13,080 Get the eggs out? 430 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:14,440 Get the fucking eggs out. 431 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:15,640 Are you going to get the eggs out? 432 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,040 We can't both get the eggs out, Malcolm. 433 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:18,760 We'd look really weird, wouldn't we? 434 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:21,560 No, no, I'm trying my hand at ghosting this evening. 435 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,760 Apparently chicks go mental for ghosting. 436 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,240 What's ghosting? 437 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,840 I'm ignoring every single woman in here. 438 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,480 Ghosting them all. 439 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,240 And they love it. 440 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:33,640 Watch this. Watch this. 441 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:34,760 Hey... 442 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,160 See that, Malc? 443 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,840 Master. 444 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,800 Yeah. 445 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,120 Yeah, that was great. 446 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,200 SQUEAL OF DELIGHT 447 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,440 Tamika! Hey... 448 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,480 Gemma Moscrip. Hiya. 449 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:56,200 Can I get you a drink? Happy birthday. 450 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,480 Our dads are really getting along. Yeah. 451 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,840 Loads of fucking loser dickheads love Stuart. 452 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,520 He's a beacon for the pathetic. 453 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:04,240 OK. 454 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:06,320 You haven't changed much since school, then. 455 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,400 We haven't. 456 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,360 My boyfriend says I still look 15. Ooft. 457 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:14,200 Is your boyfriend on the sex offenders register? 458 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,160 Hope you got Tam something amazing. 459 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,280 You owe her, after all. 460 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,680 Oh, no, babe, babe, babe, don't worry about it. 461 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,520 When your daddy gets you a Jag for your birthday, 462 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:24,040 it really doesn't matter what the chaff bring in. 463 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:25,240 Come on. 464 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,480 TAMIKA SIGHS 465 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:28,920 Oh, my God. 466 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:31,200 Stop trying to touch stuff, all right? 467 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,000 Hiya, Dad. 468 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,520 Silly question, why are you making hard boiled eggs 469 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:46,680 come out of your mouth? 470 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:48,920 Well, Derek says everybody loves eggs, that's all. 471 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,760 No, they don't. Vegans don't. 472 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,560 Oh, well, I'd argue they love eggs more than ordinary people. 473 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:56,360 Yeah, I'd be over the moon if someone handed me a free egg, Gemma. 474 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:57,640 That's come out of their mouth? 475 00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:59,360 Well, you can rinse it, can't you? 476 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:00,400 If I buy you a drink, 477 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,080 will you promise to stop making eggs come out of your mouth? 478 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:04,400 Yeah, all right. I'll have a ginger beer. OK. 479 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:07,280 Stuart. Dad. 480 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:09,920 Do you want this ginger beer or not? 481 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,520 All right, Malcolm? Yeah. You? 482 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,720 Oh, fucking hell. 483 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,240 Right, tell me what all this is about, then. 484 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,640 Ross. 485 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,360 Beakfield. 486 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,560 What about Ross Beakfield? 487 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:27,760 You dated him. For like a week, ten years ago. 488 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:29,360 And you slept with him. 489 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:31,400 Oh, my God. I barely kissed him. 490 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,280 Well, I was in love with him and you stole him from me. 491 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:37,120 And I can never tell him, because he's dead. 492 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:40,720 Yeah. 493 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,120 No, I don't think he is. 494 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:44,360 Well, I think he is. 495 00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:47,640 Because his mum texted me about four months ago saying his number 496 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:51,120 was no longer in use, because he had died very, very suddenly. 497 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,760 Mm-hm. It's really funny, that, because I heard that 498 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:58,040 he moved to Basingstoke four months ago because you were stalking him. 499 00:19:58,040 --> 00:19:59,560 He wasn't your boyfriend? 500 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:02,800 No, he was. Yeah, he was. 501 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:06,040 Cos that's the truth I was choosing to live by, Stuart. 502 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,200 WHISPERS: Did you know? Why didn't you tell me? 503 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:09,680 He's not dead? No. 504 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:10,960 But we held that mini wake. 505 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,520 No, he is dead. 506 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:17,280 Because I had RIP Ross Beakfield tattooed on my... 507 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:18,680 ..kitten. 508 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:27,160 Gun. Glue gun! I will glue you, Gemma Moscrip. 509 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:30,560 One day, when you least expect it, I'm going to fucking glue you. 510 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,080 To what? 511 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:35,840 SCATTERED LAUGHTER 512 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,520 No! No! 513 00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:45,640 Tamika?! Tamika? 514 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:50,640 What the actual fuck? £400 dress. 515 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:51,840 Four hundred quid, mate. 516 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,760 Never going to have any dick... 517 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:58,600 You were so cool, even though she threatened to glue you! 518 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,400 That isn't a thing. Is that going to come out? 519 00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:05,360 Do you want some? 520 00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:05,360 SHE BURPS 521 00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:06,720 I can't. 522 00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:09,760 I'm pregnant. 523 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,320 SHE LAUGHS 524 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,440 Wait, what? I am. 525 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:14,480 I don't know how many weeks. 526 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:16,200 My first scan's on Monday. 527 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,640 Babe, that is so amazing. 528 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:22,960 Why didn't you say anything earlier? Oh, my God, you're pregnant. 529 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,920 Cos I thought you wouldn't want to hang out. 530 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,200 I didn't, but I do now! Oh, my God. 531 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:29,720 Oh, you are so lucky. 532 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:34,320 Having a baby is like being love-bombed by your own DNA. 533 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,080 God, I'm still getting my head round it. 534 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,920 I don't know who I should tell... What you can and can't do. Yeah. 535 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:41,800 Well, any advice, I am here for you. 536 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:44,320 Thanks. 537 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,360 Wow. 538 00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:47,400 Mm! 539 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:51,640 There's one thing I can still do. 540 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:55,440 CHERRY GASPS 541 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:57,640 Peow! 542 00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:00,840 Did you steal that from her? Nice. 543 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,160 AMERICAN ACCENT: I got glue... 544 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,600 Right. I'm sorry about that, Stuart. 545 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,480 Don't worry about it, Malcolm. 546 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:10,640 Hey, do you think Tamika's a bit spoilt? 547 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,160 Well, maybe, you know. Just a little bit, like. 548 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,000 Yeah. 549 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,520 Anyway... 550 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,880 Now you've got my number, give us a call any time, especially 551 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,160 if you want to rant about the ex. 552 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,880 Yeah, or if I find a stubborn patch of nettles. 553 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:27,920 THEY LAUGH 554 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:32,920 My car! 555 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:33,960 YOUR car? 556 00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:39,080 Malcolm! 557 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,560 What has your daughter done to my car? 558 00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:43,360 Tamika said it was her birthday present. 559 00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:45,800 I let her drive it as a present. Oh! 560 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:48,000 Jesus Christ! 561 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,440 My car. 562 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:55,160 Where's the nearest Jet Wash? I can't let it dry like this. 563 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:02,720 Are you, er, are you going to want those boxing gloves back, Stuart? 564 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,120 Yes, Malcolm! 565 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:16,200 Sorry, Dad. 566 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:19,400 I loved those gloves. 567 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:21,840 Yeah. 568 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:37,760 I got you a hot chocolate. 569 00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:39,840 Dad! 570 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:46,320 Well, er, your scan was on the calendar, wasn't it? So... 571 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,440 Gemma. The sonographer'll see you now. 572 00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:51,720 Is it all right if my dad comes in? Yeah. Of course. 573 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:54,440 Come on. 574 00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:01,000 Thanks for coming. 575 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,760 Oh, it's all right. 576 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,400 Hey, do you want to go for lunch after? 577 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:06,040 Oh, hey, I brought my own. 578 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:09,480 How long has that been in your pocket? 579 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,360 Ha-ha-ha! A while.