1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,720 This programme contains strong language and adult humour from the start 2 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:09,800 Have you got a condom? 3 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:09,800 INTERCOM PINGS 4 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,160 My wallet's in my bag. 5 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,520 And it doesn't have any condoms in it. 6 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:16,080 Oh, I think I might have one. OK. 7 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,160 Must've fallen out. Oh. 8 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,720 I mean, we could still... 9 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:26,000 Erm... 10 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:28,560 What about disease? 11 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:33,080 You what? Oh, I'm not suggesting you've got anything. 12 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,560 No, it's just that advert from the '80s. 13 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:37,040 "AIDS. Don't die of AIDS." 14 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,560 Scared the life out of me when I first saw it. 15 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,200 I think it's, "AIDS. Don't die of ignorance." 16 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,760 I saw it on TikTok. 17 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,680 Pretty sure it's, "AIDS. Don't die of AIDS." 18 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,320 No. It's, "AIDS. Don't die of ignorance." 19 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,000 Why would it be, "AIDS. Don't die of AIDS." 20 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,680 Well... That's a terrible slogan. 21 00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:54,360 Well, let's just agree to disagree, shall we? OK. 22 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:56,960 PA: Could all passengers please return to their seats, 23 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,080 as we begin our descent into Manchester Airport. 24 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:00,520 Are we doing this then or what? 25 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,720 Sure, yeah. And I'll just finish in the sink to be sensible. 26 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,120 Yeah. OK. 27 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,720 Oh, I'm Ben, by the way. Gemma. 28 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,080 Hiya, Rita. 29 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,080 You're nearly an hour late, lady. 30 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,240 Yeah, I had to get the bus from Cheadle. 31 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,840 What were you doing in Cheadle? Hmm. 32 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,480 Who were you doing in Cheadle? I mean, I'm not judging. 33 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,080 I was the same at her age. 34 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:40,760 I'm the same at my age. 35 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:42,440 SHE CHUCKLES 36 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,120 Oh, you can take those off, Stevie Wonder. 37 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,640 I don't want people thinking I employ wankers. 38 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,680 I've got a reputation to think of. Hmm? 39 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,280 His name's Liam. He's a painter. 40 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,400 Oh, did you take his business card? 41 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,840 I've been after someone to give my boxroom a lick. 42 00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:58,960 As in artist. 43 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:02,480 Bloody hell, has this got vodka in it? 44 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:03,880 Hair of the dog. 45 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,720 So tell us about this new one, then. 46 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,400 I'm not going to see him again. 47 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,600 Wears the same deodorant as me dad. 48 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:12,080 Very off putting at a pivotal moment. 49 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,040 How is your hunky dad? Have you seen him, Winnie? 50 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:16,520 Oof! 51 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:18,240 Do you think he's ready for love again? 52 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:21,240 Maybe with a sexually adventurous salon owner? 53 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,480 I've told you, you're not his type. 54 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,560 I'm everybody's type, Gemma. 55 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,560 What's his new place like, then? 56 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,880 I don't know, I haven't been round yet. 57 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,680 I know, he keeps asking. 58 00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,240 I'll go later actually. 59 00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:41,960 # I work all night 60 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:45,080 # I do my thing 61 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:50,760 # Just killin' time 62 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,840 # Need a friend 63 00:02:55,240 --> 00:03:00,240 # Is this my life beginning or... # 64 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:04,640 Dad, it's Gemma. 65 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,200 DOOR BUZZES 66 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,720 Gemma. 67 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:25,520 Hey, I'm so glad you've finally got to see the place. Huh? 68 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,960 I know it's not Buckingham Palace, but it'll do. 69 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,760 And it's all I can afford... 70 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:30,920 ..for now! 71 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,000 I shouldn't even be here. 72 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,800 I mean, I wasn't the one having the affair, was I? 73 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,160 Have you seen your mother? She's in Paris. 74 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,280 Oh, God, Paris! 75 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:47,440 I mean, what's Paris got that this place hasn't, eh? 76 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,600 Art, culture, 77 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,080 a vibrant jazz scene. 78 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:53,600 It's the cheese, isn't it? Eh? 79 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,160 She has gone for the cheese. 80 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,800 Yeah, she's gone for the cheese. 81 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,400 Sorry. No. 82 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,960 It's quite trendy these days actually, to drink out of jam jars. 83 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,120 Oh, aye? 84 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,800 Is it trendy to have a wee in them an all? 85 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,360 Don't worry. 86 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:11,840 I put an X on that one so I don't get them mixed up. 87 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,200 Yeah, you don't really want to use the facilities here 88 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,720 if you can help it. 89 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,320 SCREAMING: Oh, my God, I want to die! 90 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:20,960 That's Derek. 91 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,200 Yeah. 92 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,200 He runs the gaff. 93 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:25,600 He was married for 12 years 94 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,600 and his wife won't let him see the kids. 95 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,320 Oh, God, what is that? Oh, sorry. 96 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:31,680 It's just erm... 97 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,320 Yeah, that's just a, you know, that's just a damp patch 98 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,040 where I've... I've been crying. 99 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,200 If I can keep myself together tonight, that'll dry out nicely. 100 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,480 BANGING ON DOOR 101 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,480 Malcolm? 102 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,280 Malcolm, open up, mate. 103 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:45,960 I've run out of chocolate spread... Derek. 104 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:49,680 ..because some fucking DEAD MAN at work stole mine. 105 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,440 Hey, Derek, come in. 106 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:56,520 Yeah, I've got some somewhere. 107 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,600 Oh, er, that's my daughter, Gemma. 108 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,640 Hiya. Hey. 109 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,200 Hey, lovely to meet you. 110 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:09,440 Are you wearing Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker? 111 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,200 Yeah! 112 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,920 I got a bit heavy handed in Boots earlier. 113 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:17,040 I sat in something. A pie I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gorgeous. 114 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,720 At least I hope it was a pie. 115 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,400 I adore Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker. 116 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,840 Top three smells. 117 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,680 CHUCKLING 118 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:28,760 Hey, you, erm, this might seem a little forward, but... 119 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,800 ..would you be interested in dinner tomorrow night? 120 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,160 I know a great Italian. 121 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,680 Sorry, has she...she got a boyfriend? Or a husband? 122 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,480 Umm... Dad, no, I don't. 123 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,040 Well, then. What do you say? 124 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,560 Do you know what, I can't do tomorrow. I'm working. 125 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,480 What, at night! Mm. 126 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,360 The salon stays open late on a Thursday 127 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,480 and it's my turn to lock up. What about the next night, then? 128 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,760 Are you "working" then as well? Hmm? 129 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:56,800 No? 130 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,480 Yeah, well, fuck you! 131 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,480 Yeah, nice daughter, Malcolm. 132 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:02,720 What a whore. 133 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:05,760 Yeah. 134 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:06,840 Dad! 135 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:09,880 You know, this is why I haven't come over sooner. 136 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:11,760 Oh, come on, Gemma, it's just Derek. 137 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,280 Oh, enjoy your plant. Gem...? 138 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:24,840 HE SNIFFS 139 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:42,000 Hey, do you know if they're showing the match in here? 140 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,400 Ouch. 141 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,840 Sorry, they're just a bit sore. It's fine though. 142 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,080 We should get them out that bra. Yeah. 143 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,520 My flatmate won't be back for ages. 144 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:02,840 That's sexy. 145 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:06,040 You're a naughty, naughty, naughty girl. 146 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,200 What the hell?! Oh, yeah, what the hell. 147 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:14,040 Ho-ho! 148 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,240 Hello? 149 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:17,840 Oh, my God. 150 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:21,680 Oh, my God. 151 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,480 A lovely place you've got. 152 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:29,960 Yeah. I've been burgled! 153 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,000 But have they taken the bed? Hmm. 154 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,800 Yeah. Or if not, the floor is just as good. 155 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,040 SHE RETCHES 156 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:44,920 SHE VOMITS 157 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,480 You all right? 158 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,200 Hon? 159 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:53,840 Honey? 160 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,480 Baby girl? 161 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:56,520 Gemma! 162 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:57,600 Gemma? Thanks. 163 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,760 I could Deliveroo us some oysters. 164 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,560 Someone's stolen all my things, 165 00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,680 so unless your cock fires out Argos vouchers 166 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,680 I'm not going anywhere near it tonight. 167 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,200 Keely, did you lock up properly? Cos we've been fucking burgled. 168 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,560 I'm calling the police, but you need to get back here now. 169 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:28,880 I can see you. 170 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,000 I'll go...shall I? 171 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,160 Yeah. 172 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,040 Meeting you tonight... 173 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:39,520 ..has changed my life. 174 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,760 DM me, Gemboodles. Gemma! 175 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,880 HE CHUCKLES 176 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,560 Don't ignore me. 177 00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:53,120 I know where you live. 178 00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,920 You're back very early. 179 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:01,200 Yeah. 180 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,200 I met...Danny at The Red Rock and we... 181 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:08,520 Anyway, thank God I came back early. We've been burgled. 182 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:13,880 Are you moving out? 183 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,680 I'm going to be a mummy! 184 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:22,120 Me and Sancho are having a baby. 185 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,520 What? 186 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:27,360 Sancho is an idiot who once stapled himself to a park bench. 187 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:28,800 Hey! 188 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:32,040 Sancho has a lovely flat. 189 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,160 No, you're right, he does, actually. 190 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,480 Very nice carpets. 191 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:36,680 Yeah, well... 192 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:39,120 We didn't plan on becoming Mummy and Daddy so soon, 193 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,520 but when we found out... 194 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,560 So, no doubts at all, then? 195 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,360 Yeah, a few. 196 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,360 Can we afford it? 197 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:51,080 Am I going to get fat? 198 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,960 What if I end up tearing my vaginger from front to back 199 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,800 and my entire poop system needs rebuilding? 200 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,920 That can happen? Can and does. Oof. 201 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:02,240 But in the end... VOICE FADES: ..I knew I wanted this. 202 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:29,560 Fuck. 203 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,000 Congratulations, Gemma. 204 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,480 Do you know when your last period was? 205 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,240 Could have been a few weeks ago. 206 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:54,360 Or a couple of...months. 207 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,240 OK. 208 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,840 I was given a workshop on how to do this tactfully, 209 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,840 but these appointments are only eight minutes long so... 210 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,480 Is the father around? No. 211 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,080 Do you know who the father is? 212 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:06,480 Erm... Pass? 213 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,080 Do you want to continue with this pregnancy, Gemma? 214 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,840 You should probably give it some thought. 215 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:17,360 Having a baby - or not - isn't something you should do on your own. 216 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:18,720 I've booked you in with the midwife. 217 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:22,640 Is there someone who can go along with you? Mother? Sister? Friend? 218 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:23,960 Not really, no. 219 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,160 My mum's just ran off with her and my dad's savings, 220 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,600 my sister's on remand and my flatmate just moved out, 221 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,760 so my life's a mess right now. 222 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,480 Still... 223 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:35,760 Every cloud? 224 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,160 God, do you not find it a bit depressing? 225 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,800 Eh? No! No. 226 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,000 I'm quite enjoying my independence actually. 227 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,560 I'm living my best life, Gemma. 228 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:03,080 Well, you know, the best life anyone can live sharing a bog 229 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,200 with five other fellas. 230 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:07,080 THUMP 231 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:07,080 Oh! 232 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,640 Oh, bollocks. 233 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,200 That keeps happ... Oh, shit... 234 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,720 Oh, Jesus, Dad, I really need to eat something. 235 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,720 Yeah, just hang on. Hang on. 236 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,400 Ah! 237 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,680 Ow! 238 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,120 SHE RETCHES 239 00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:29,000 Can I have this doughnut? 240 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,160 Eh? 241 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:33,320 Yeah... 242 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,560 I mean... 243 00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:38,320 I mean, I was saving it, but, you know. 244 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,440 Oh, thanks, Gem. It's just that... 245 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,480 I just haven't had the chance to get down the garage, you know. 246 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,200 Wait, you do your food shop at the garage? 247 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,200 Yeah. Why not the supermarket? 248 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,640 Because your mother gave back the family car 249 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,440 and real men don't use taxis. 250 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,040 Would you like a lift one night after work? 251 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,360 Oh, would you, love? Yeah. 252 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,760 I'm starving. Yeah. 253 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,760 Here, look. Oh, you were going to tell me something. 254 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:01,000 Doesn't matter. OK. 255 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,880 VIDEO CALL RINGS 256 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,120 Gemma, love! Hi, Mum. 257 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,520 Has your father died? 258 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,440 No! Why? 259 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,280 Well, last time I saw him he looked as if... 260 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,560 I wondered if he'd got something they haven't found yet. 261 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,920 He looks like he'd have a lump somewhere. Mum! 262 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,880 No, I'm not wishing this upon him, he just looks ill. 263 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,600 Is everything else OK? Is Catherine OK? 264 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:25,840 Still in prison. 265 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,760 But she hasn't been shanked or anything, has she? 266 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,520 What is your obsession with people being dead? 267 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:31,080 It's 3am, love. 268 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,800 If someone hasn't died, it's a bit rude calling at this time. 269 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,120 Where are you? Montreal. 270 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,120 I thought you were in Paris. 271 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,800 Yeah, well, they speak French here, too. 272 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,680 Should I go? Yes! 273 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,160 Well, it's just that... 274 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,400 Stop looking so nervous, Gemma. 275 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,800 You're embarrassing me in front of my friends. 276 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:04,840 Friends? Yeah. 277 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,680 I've, err, got her initials tattooed on my thigh. 278 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:12,520 Wasn't strictly my choice but... 279 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:14,880 ..you know... 280 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,640 So how is Dad? 281 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,080 He's a mess. 282 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,880 Well, Mum is ruthless. 283 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,280 Yeah. 284 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:23,640 She is. 285 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,200 See where you get it from. 286 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,720 Did Gary hurt you? What? No! 287 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,200 No, he really loves me. 288 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,360 So why did you pay someone to push him off the fire escape? 289 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:40,600 I have three members of staff, 290 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,320 all of whom have special educational needs. 291 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:43,840 No, they don't. You've met 'em. 292 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:46,880 They seem to have special educational needs. 293 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,960 No-one else was going to employ 'em. 294 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,800 Look, cashing in on Gary's life insurance was the easiest way 295 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,560 to keep the sandwich shop solvent. 296 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,520 It was a legitimate business decision. 297 00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:00,160 I don't remember Deborah Meaden ever trying to have someone murdered. 298 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:04,000 Anyway, Gary's fine now, so I don't really see what the problem is. 299 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,920 You honestly don't, do you? 300 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,480 No. 301 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,200 Anyway, I have some news of my own actually. 302 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,760 Oh. Yeah. 303 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:14,880 I'm... Oi. No standing. 304 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,880 No way! Right, nobody move! 305 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,640 ALARM RINGS 306 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,640 Fuck's sake, Gemma. 307 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,480 I wasn't, "rubbing a stash of yummy heroin." 308 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,080 I'm having a baby. Congratulations. 309 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:26,880 I'm still going to need to see your arsehole, love. 310 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:30,080 Don't worry, a bum search is nothing compared to giving birth. 311 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,720 In fact, this is good preparation 312 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,240 for all those midwives looking up your foof. 313 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:37,360 A little bit of life learning... VOICE FADES: ..on me. 314 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,800 BABIES BABBLE 315 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:51,520 What can I get ya? 316 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,800 Oh, err, flat white - decaf. Thanks. 317 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,280 That'll be 2.50. 318 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:00,440 Oh, fuck. 319 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,680 Fuck, I've lost my card. 320 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,600 Of course I have, cos it's me. 321 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:09,040 I expect my car'll get nicked or my kidneys'll fail next. 322 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,880 Fuck. What can I get ya? 323 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,240 No, no, no. I'll, err, I'll get hers. 324 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,080 Thanks. 325 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:16,480 No worries. 326 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,360 I hope the other stuff doesn't happen. 327 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,720 I'm not sure I can stretch to a car. 328 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,080 Or a kidney. 329 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,120 HE BREATHES NERVOUSLY 330 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,160 Oh, great spread, Malc. 331 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:46,680 Yeah. Here you go. 332 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,440 So, erm, look, I just... 333 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,240 I just... I just wanted to bring up the, erm... 334 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:54,520 ..the bathroom. 335 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,720 GAME ON PHONE 336 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,320 What the fuck is wrong with the bathroom? 337 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,880 Er, nothing. No, I just thought... 338 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,600 I thought we could maybe, erm... 339 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:04,800 ..you know, clean it? 340 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,880 I mean, not all the time, obviously just, erm... 341 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:07,920 Maybe just once? 342 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:11,720 That bathroom is a shrine to us 343 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,880 having broken free of the shackles of women. 344 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,880 It's art, Malcolm. Yeah. 345 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,200 Yeah, no, no, I get that, I do. It's just... 346 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,400 It's just that, err, you know, not everything goes into the bowl 347 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,600 all the time and nobody cleans it up, you know. 348 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,680 Are you saying you don't misfire sometimes? 349 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,600 Well, wee, yeah. 350 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:29,760 But you know "not wee"... 351 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,120 I stood in some the other day, I had to soak me foot in Dettol. 352 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,840 I can't expose it to direct sunlight now. 353 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:38,880 HE SCOFFS 354 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,520 Poor pathetic Malcolm. 355 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:41,800 The foot vampire. 356 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,000 THEY LAUGH ALTERNATELY 357 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,400 I'm not a foot vampire. 358 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,920 Foot vampire! Foot... Chant, Andy! 359 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:49,800 BOTH: Foot vampire! Foot vampire! 360 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,000 Foot vampire! Foot vampire! I'm not... 361 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,400 Foot vampire! Foot vampire! Foot vampire! 362 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,360 Foot vampire! Foot vampire! Foot vampire! Foot... 363 00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,320 All right, I'm a foot vampire, eh? 364 00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,960 Argh! Foot vampire! Foot vampire! 365 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,680 Argh! 366 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,880 That's just fucking weird, Malcolm. 367 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:11,920 Sorry. 368 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,680 So that's the flat. The room's available immediately. 369 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,080 And did Baris, the landlord, tell you that bills aren't included? 370 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,280 Yeah. Yeah. 371 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:23,960 Do you mind if I write my name on my food items? 372 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,960 See, I've been stung in the past. 373 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:29,720 Lost a lot of money not writing my name on food. 374 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,680 Sure. And I like to often wear gloves. 375 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:34,720 Because of viruses... 376 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,440 ..and other reasons. 377 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,400 So, Russell... Yeah. 378 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:39,760 Do you recognise me? 379 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:44,400 Yeah, I did... I did the voiceover for Single Pringle Mingle. 380 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,160 The Welsh dating show. With crisps? 381 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,400 No. 382 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:49,800 Sorry, I thought you were a... 383 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,800 Stand-up? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I am. Yeah. 384 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:53,960 Ooh-eh. 385 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:57,960 It's nice. 386 00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,160 I like it. 387 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,440 Thanks. How come you're looking for somewhere now, 388 00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:02,720 if you don't mind me asking? 389 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,760 I just got out of prison. 390 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:07,120 Don't worry, I didn't do anything terrible. 391 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,000 I was in the Baader-Meinhof. 392 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:12,920 No? 393 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,160 No-one remembers. 394 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,680 What a waste of a life. 395 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:21,920 If I were to uncover the secret government paedophile ring, 396 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:25,200 you'd be cool with me using this as a base for meetings? 397 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,320 Is there a lock on your bedroom door? 398 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,200 What? No, I'm just... I'm just asking. 399 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,440 I'm just asking. Yeah, I'm a feminist. So... 400 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:35,960 Yeah. 401 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,000 Nice. 402 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,920 Nice curtains. 403 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,320 The rent's a bit high. 404 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,080 Baris sets the rent. 405 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,560 If I pleasure you once a week, could you knock 20 quid off? 406 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,720 No? 407 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,120 £10? 408 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:55,760 Wow. 409 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:02,160 So, err, what happens if you don't get a flatmate? 410 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,040 Well, then, I'll have to pay all the rent myself, 411 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:05,280 which I can't afford. 412 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:08,440 Hey, Gemma. 413 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,800 This is like the longest you and I have spent together for ages, 414 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,240 isn't it? 415 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,920 What, 43 minutes, including the drive? 416 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,840 Yeah. 417 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,160 You never came out to tea with us. We always asked. 418 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:21,720 I know. Sorry. 419 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:26,320 Just, they put garlic in everything, don't they? 420 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:27,480 They? Well, they/them. 421 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,440 You know, the people who make the food when you go out. 422 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,360 They put garlic in everything. 423 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:33,840 Hey. 424 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,400 I should get some jacket potatoes. 425 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,320 Your mum used to hate them. 426 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:47,880 Dad, how many do you want? 427 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,280 No. They're normal potatoes, aren't they? I need jacket potatoes. 428 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,240 What do you think jacket potatoes are? 429 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,200 Well, they're special potatoes, aren't they? 430 00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,040 They're like, err, they're covered in, like, leather. 431 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,240 Well, not leather. But, you know, something. 432 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:03,960 Covered in something because they're called... 433 00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,880 ..jacket, aren't they? 434 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,480 No. 435 00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:12,960 They're just normal big potatoes cooked in the oven and/or microwave. 436 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,960 Jesus fucking Christ! 437 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:18,520 Are you all right, love? No. 438 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,000 I'm not all right, Dad. I'm pregnant. 439 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,320 I'm pregnant and I'm about to be homeless 440 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:25,760 and I don't know who the father is and I don't have any women in 441 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:27,120 my life to support me 442 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,920 and I don't want my baby growing up to be the kind of moron 443 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:33,840 who thinks jacket potatoes are potatoes covered in leather! 444 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,280 I'm going to be a grandad! 445 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,040 Oh, Gem. 446 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,520 Come here. Come here. 447 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:48,600 Oh... 448 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,240 Look, I know... 449 00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:55,840 I know your mum and your sister aren't here, but you've got me. 450 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:58,440 Eh? 451 00:21:58,440 --> 00:21:59,960 Come here. 452 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,400 It's all right. 453 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,120 I'm going to be a grandad. 454 00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,280 These are happy tears! 455 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,160 They are not happy tears. Oh... 456 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:10,040 Oh, Gem. 457 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,200 Hey, this is exciting, isn't it? Are you excited? 458 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,480 Eh, us living together! 459 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:21,680 Thrilled. 460 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:25,360 Yeah, love. 461 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:28,920 I really want to support you, you know, 462 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,440 at this important time in your life. 463 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,480 I got you something, from the garage. 464 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:34,600 Look. 465 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:39,320 Woohoo. 466 00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,800 It's not for you. You know, it's for the... 467 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:45,280 ..erm, thing. 468 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,360 Hey, you might as well leave that open, you know, 469 00:22:57,360 --> 00:22:59,720 because Derek's coming with me duvet. 470 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,600 Oh, thanks, mate. 471 00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:05,880 You're welcome, king. 472 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:11,360 Heard you're up the stick. 473 00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:12,560 Lucky escape. 474 00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:13,840 Who for? You or me? 475 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:15,880 DEREK CHUCKLES BITTERLY 476 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,920 I'm trying really hard to enjoy the company of women. 477 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,080 You look lovely. 478 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:25,960 Fancy a brew? Yeah. 479 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,760 Good. Eh? Get the kettle on. 480 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,160 MOVIE MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS 481 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,000 TV STOPS 482 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,760 RoboCop. 483 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:47,960 Best film ever made. 484 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,680 I've seen it 15, 20 times. 485 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,640 And yet you still stayed and watched it again. 486 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,120 I wanted to see if Malcolm liked it. 487 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:58,000 Best film ever made. See! 488 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,480 And that bit where they turn the guy into the toxic sludge monster! 489 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,760 Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. 490 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,880 They never used to show that bit on the telly. Yeah. 491 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,240 First time I watched RoboCop on DVD I was like... 492 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:08,600 GERMAN ACCENT: "Oh, ja! 493 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,800 "Oh, what the fuck is this? Oh, ja, this is amazing!" 494 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,000 Right, Malcolm? Yeah, amazing. 495 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,440 STOMACH GURGLES 496 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,440 Oh, God. 497 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:19,240 Anyway, speaking of toxic sludge... 498 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:21,560 Oh, God. 499 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,360 Don't worry, I'll go in after, make sure everything's all right. 500 00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:33,600 What if everything isn't all right, Dad? 501 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:38,560 It will be. 502 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,040 Oh, hey. Might be a good idea to get some Dettol.