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(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

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ANNOUNCER: Ladies And gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage,

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Danny Bhoy!.

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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

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Hello!. Good evening, Edinburgh.

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- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-Yes.

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Hello, welcome. Gosh, such a big house.

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Do you know what,
I don't say this in any other city,

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but congratulations
for actually getting here.

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Because this is the most
inaccessible city in the world now.

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I tell you,

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it was easier to get
across Berlin in 1962

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than it is to get from one end
of Edinburgh to the other.

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I've come to the conclusion, if you
want to solve the problems in Iraq,

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don't send in the military,
send in the Edinburgh City Council.

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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

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Yeah.

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They'll soon sort that shit out.

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You'd get no more car bomb attacks.
Where would they park?. Eh?.

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Just a whole load of suicide bombers
being constantly moved on.

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"I'm sorry,
that's permit holders only there, sir."

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(ULULATING)

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"You can scream all you want.
I've started writing the ticket."

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Anyway, thanks very much
for coming down, all of you.

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Even the ones that you can't really see.
Is there folk right in the top there?.

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(PEOPLE WHOOPING)

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That's the people that
paid through Groupon.

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It's all right.
They're just as good as anyone else.

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Oh, look at you lot, you've got some
very fancy seats here, haven't you?.

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How are you?. Are you royal?.

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He just went...

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Not a bad little joke, that.

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Look at you, you've got a bit of a
Prince William look about you.

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(MUMBLING EXCITEDLY)

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Did you pay extra for those seats?.

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No?. Really?.

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Just as well, because I'm doing
the whole show from over here.

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Hey, buddy. All right.

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Nah, I'm only kidding. I'm only kidding.

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But, anyway, welcome.

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Did you buy your
tickets online for this, by the way?.

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-AUDIENCE: Yes.
-You did.

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Is anyone having the same problem
I have with online ticketing systems?.

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Their attitude changes
halfway through the booking.

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Right?. You get on, you go,
"I'd like to buy a ticket, please."

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"Oh, what would you like
to buy a ticket for?.

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"Justin Bieber." Right?.

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It's just an example.

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"How many tickets?. "

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"One."

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They send you through to the next page.
It goes, "That's great.

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"I'll send you through to the next page,
you can get that booked up."

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You go to the next page,
suddenly it just changes, the attitude.

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It goes, "Hang on a minute!
I don't know who you are."

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"I'm the guy from the last page.
I just..."

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"Yeah, but I don't know that.
I don't know anything about you.

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"Before we go any further,

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"I want you to type these
two illegible, smudged black words

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"into this text box, please."

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"What the hell does that say?.
I don't know.

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"Is that an 'O' and an 'L'?.
Is that a 'D'?.

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"I have no fucking idea what that is."

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"Just do it."

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You know why that is?.
It's to make sure you're not a computer.

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How many times have
you been at a concert,

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had a look at the seat next to you,
and there's a little MacBook Pro,

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waving his lighter?.

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"This is my favourite one, this one."

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A little tip, actually,
before we go any further.

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I was at a party a couple
of nights ago, right?.

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Quite a lot of eclectic people there.

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That means "interesting."

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Or "wankers," depending on whether
you're eclectic or not, I suppose.

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And one of them was a famous
Bollywood director. This is true, right.

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I've never met a famous Bollywood
director before, so I was quite excited.

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And I went up to him, I said, "Can I
ask you a question about Bollywood?. "

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He was immediately offended.
I don't know if you know this,

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but "Bollywood" is our
name for Indian Cinema.

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Indian people call it "Indian Cinema."
I should know better.

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He explained this to me.
I said, "Look, I'm really sorry.

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"I didn't mean to offend you."

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He said, "It's all right.
What was your question?. "

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I said, "All right. Why is

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"'Indian Cinema' shit?. "

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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And that was pretty much the end of
that conversation, if I'm being honest.

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So how many Scottish
people have we got in?.

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Give us a cheer if you're Scottish.

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(PEOPLE CHEERING)

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Fucking hell! It's not a call to arms!

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(YELLING)

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"Come on, Danny!
All we needed was a leader!"

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How many non-Scottish
people do we have in?.

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(PEOPLE CHEERING)

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Fucking hell, eh?. That's all right.

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That's as close as the independent
vote is going to be, I think.

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And there was rioting, of course, here.

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Well, not here. That's the thing.
If there's anyone watching this on DVD,

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we didn't riot in Scotland.
Just England.

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(LAUGHS)

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No, do you know what?. Do you know what?.

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All that proves is that we will do
anything to piss off the English.

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That is... (LAUGHS)

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Because let's be honest,
that was right up our street.

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"A bit of rioting on a Monday?.

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"Fuck, I'm up for that!"

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There was kids in Leith
twitching that night.

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One hand on a bottle,
"Come on, Dad. Let me out there."

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All the dads watching the news unfold,

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"Hold. Hold. Hold."

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As soon as they found out
it was just happening in England,

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"Put the bottle down, Son,
this is disgusting.

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"Makes me sick. Makes me sick.
Put the bottle down.

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"We're not going anywhere.

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"Now, go upstairs and get the wireless.

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"We need to listen to any reference
on any radio programme

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"that this might be a
'British' problem."

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Jeez, we love it then, don't we?.
We love getting on and complaining then.

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"Hello, is that Radio 5 Alive?.

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"Hey, I was just listening
to your last caller.

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"Who suggested that these were
the worst riots in 'British' history.

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"I'll have you know, I'm looking out my
window in Glasgow as we speak

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"and, apart from all the usual shit,

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"there's nothing untoward
going on out there, right?.

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"A retraction, please."

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We love it. We love all that, don't we?.

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I'll tell you the thing that
really pissed me off last year.

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It was Qatar getting the
World Cup in 2022, right?.

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That's in the Middle East, Qatar. It's a
little country, but it's a dry country.

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There's no alcohol allowed in Qatar.

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Knowing our luck, that'll be the one
fucking World Cup we'll qualify for.

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The one we can't even go and enjoy.

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Not going to get any Scottish fans
going to that, Jesus.

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Can't drink for three weeks.

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You'll be lucky to get 1 1 players.

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Fucking hell

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"I can't drink, what, for three weeks?.

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"That's my hamstring gone.
Sorry about that, boys.

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"Good luck out there, eh?.
Let me know how you get on."

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God, it's terrible. How can you
have a World Cup without drinking?.

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How're you going to celebrate, yeah?.

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"Hey, we beat Brazil!"

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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"Well, see you guys tomorrow, right."

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Do you know, if you get
caught drinking in Qatar,

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(CHUCKLES)

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the punishment is you get lashed.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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Someone is going to have
to explain to Scottish fans

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as soon as they get off the plane

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the more literal meaning to this phrase.

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Could be very confusing.

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"Scotland, welcome to Qatar.

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"Congratulations on qualifying.

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"Surprised us all.

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"But, remember, if you drink in Qatar,
you will get lashed."

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"You're not fucking wrong, pal.

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"It's exactly the same back home,
by the way. Exactly the same.

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"Lashed, good one, that."

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"No, Scotland, I don't think
you quite understand.

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"If you drink in Qatar,
you will get beaten by the police."

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"It's exactly the same back home, mate,
exactly the same. Don't worry about it."

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You can't use offensive language
in Qatar in public, either.

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There you go. You can't swear.
You're at a football game!

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What are you going to do?.

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It's part of the fun, isn't it?.
What are you going to do?.

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Bad call on the pitch. "Referee!

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(SIGHS)

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

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(STAMMERING)
"That's a terrible decision.

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"You're in need of a pair of spectacles,
my man.

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"You heard me."

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Qatar gets temperatures of up
to 50 degrees in the summer.

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How do you describe that
kind of heat if you can't swear?.

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Hey?.

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Walk out your front door, "Oh,
have sex with me, it's hot."

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"That's fatherless child hot,
that's how hot that is."

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Bastard hot.

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"Is that orphan hot, is it?. "

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Anyways, it's going to be
a shit World Cup, that's my point.

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No drinking, no swearing, you know.

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No strip bars, obviously.

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They'd be a bit shit, wouldn't they?.
Fucking, "Show us your eyes!"

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00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:30,713
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

186
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:32,879
But, no, no. That's...

187
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No, don't... Aye, don't.

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Look, the point is, we're probably
not going to qualify anyway.

189
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This is probably immaterial
because, you know...

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We've kind of gotten
increasingly more realistic

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00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,555
about our chances
of qualification in Scotland,

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00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:53,519
and you can tell this by the
World Cup songs that we release.

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00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:57,479
Like, in 1 974 when we had a
pretty good side, right?.

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We thought we were going to win it.
Our lyrics of our World Cup song was,

195
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"Easy! Easy!" Remember?. "Easy!"

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00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:06,198
We're going to win the
World Cup, it's going to be easy.

197
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:07,554
Went out the first round.

198
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:12,918
1 978,
# We're on the mArch wi' Ally's Army

199
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,594
# We're All offff to Argentine #

200
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,632
It's "Argentina,"
but it rhymes with the next bit.

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00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:21,110
# And we're gonnA mix it up
When we win the World Cup

202
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:22,997
# 'CAuse, ScotlAnd is the
greAtest ffootbAll teAm #

203
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See, "team", "Argentine"?. Brilliant.

204
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Went out in the first round.

205
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:31,795
Then in 1 982, we've started to temper
our enthusiasm a little bit.

206
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,838
1 982, our World Cup song was called,

207
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,592
We HAve A DreAm.

208
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:42,473
You know, we might not win it,
but we can dream and dreams come true.

209
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:47,153
Then you go to 1 998,
the last time we qualified.

210
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:51,233
Our song was called,
Don't Come Home Too Soon.

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00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:52,799
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

212
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:57,355
We've gone from, "Easy,
it's gonna be easy,"

213
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:58,475
to, "We can dream,"

214
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:01,836
to, "For fuck's sake, come home
after the postcards this time."

215
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:06,320
Our next song is going
to be about qualification.

216
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:13,033
I love Scottish football, though,
I do, I like it.

217
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,790
Because I was watching the Super Bowl.

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I noticed something
when I was watching it.

219
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,591
Do you know that in American football,

220
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,513
I mean, it's very complicated,
it's all very technical,

221
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,397
but they've got little microphones here?.

222
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:29,268
And they talk to the other coaches,
they give them instructions.

223
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,828
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
"Four down and nine. Two down and hup.

224
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,276
"Four fours are 1 6.

225
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,754
"Brad, you gotta go long.
Chip, you gotta come wide.

226
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:43,229
"Let's get in the game. Hup, hup, hup!"
(EXCLAIMS)

227
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:45,718
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
You know, it's all very technical,

228
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:46,869
but I thought to myself,

229
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,077
you could never mike up
a Scottish manager

230
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,876
in a football game, could you?.
Imagine that.

231
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:56,555
You'd just get a guy on the side,
walking up and down.

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"Stevie!

233
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,470
"Stevie!

234
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,959
"Aye, well fucking use it, then!"

235
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:20,675
I think there's a bit of a bias
sometimes about, you know,

236
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,514
of English sports on television.

237
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:28,155
Because, obviously, there are certain
sports that we are quite good at.

238
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,995
Like ice curling,
we're pretty good at, right?.

239
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:33,913
But we only get it in the Olympics.
We should be good at ice curling.

240
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,797
It's played on ice, for God's sake.

241
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:36,869
Anywhere north of Inverness,

242
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,155
that's just a method of putting out
the rubbish in the morning.

243
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,800
Open the door, slide it down.

244
00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:50,076
"Shit, one of the bags just burst,
come on, quick, fucking...

245
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,755
"Come on, three of us, three of us!"

246
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:04,473
But I always wonder why we get
the Boat Race on television up here.

247
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:07,074
Because I don't even think people
outside of Oxford and Cambridge

248
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:09,151
give a shit about the Boat Race.

249
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,516
Do they think there's people in
pubs in the east end of Glasgow

250
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:17,712
on the day of the Boat Race,
huddled round the TV?.

251
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,678
"Come on, Oxford, come on!

252
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:23,832
"Billy, get us another
Pimm's and lemonade, will you?.

253
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:28,469
"Come on, Oxford! Ra, ra, ra!"

254
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:34,317
Don't even think people row in Glasgow,
it's not even a sport.

255
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,470
If you ever see four guys
in a boat in Glasgow,

256
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,437
you know one of them's not coming back.

257
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,158
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

258
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,677
(HUMMING THE GODFATHER WALTZ

259
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,554
"Turn up the radio
full blast for a minute."

260
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:51,275
Here's the thing, by the way,

261
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:54,796
talking of slight
English bias sometimes,

262
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:59,192
have you ever tried to pay for anything
with a Scottish bank note in London?.

263
00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,431
Jeez! It's like you're trying
to pay with magic beans or something.

264
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:06,112
I couldn't believe it.
I got a cab to the train station.

265
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,668
It was 1 7 quid, I gave him 20.

266
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:09,909
I said, "Keep the change."

267
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,230
I'm already breaking down
the stereotypes.

268
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,155
He's like, "What's that, mate?. "

269
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:30,473
(MUMBLING TIMIDLY)

270
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:35,752
"What is it, mate?. What's that?.
What's that?. What's that, mate?.

271
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,159
"What is it?. What is it, mate?.
What is it?.

272
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:38,434
"What's that, mate?. What's that?. "

273
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:41,595
I said, "It's..."

274
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:44,875
I said, "It's £20."

275
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:51,308
He said, "No, mate, No, no, no, mate.
No, no, mate, mate. No, mate, no, mate.

276
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:55,309
"That's Scottish, mate.
I don't take Scottish, mate.

277
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:59,757
"No, I don't take Scottish, mate.
No, mate, I don't take Scottish, mate."

278
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,434
"You took me. I'm Scottish."

279
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,590
"No mate, nothing without the Queen's,"
this is what he said,

280
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,716
"Nothing without
the Queen's head on it, mate.

281
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:09,030
"It's got to have
the Queen's head on it."

282
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:14,231
So, I took the 20 back, I stuck
a stamp to it and gave it back to him.

283
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:17,035
"And I want my three quid change!"

284
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:23,391
When we declared war
on Germany in 1 939...

285
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,028
Did you know this?.

286
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,515
We wrote Hitler a letter.

287
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,036
Isn't that amazing?.
Wrote him an actual...

288
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:33,510
"Dear Adolf, how's it going?.

289
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:37,477
"I'm sorry,
all this invading countries is not good.

290
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:38,959
"There's going to have to be a war.

291
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,918
"All the best, Britain."

292
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:46,835
And we sent this. I mean, we didn't
have email or text or any of that.

293
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:49,798
Well, you wouldn't have
texted Hitler, would you?.

294
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,313
That would've been a weird text.

295
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:55,918
"Dear Adolf, Poland, 'question mark.'

296
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:58,557
"WTF,

297
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,477
"'exclamation mark.'

298
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,516
"So not cool,

299
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,479
"'sad face."'

300
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:16,029
Hitler texts back,
"Peace in our time?. LMAO."

301
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:22,038
"Laugh my ass off."

302
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,029
I didn't know that. Do you know,
I only found out six months ago

303
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:28,270
that LOL means "laugh out loud"?.

304
00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:30,555
Because I thought it meant,
"Lots of love."

305
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,471
I did. And I got caught out,

306
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,438
because a guy sent me
an email during the Festival,

307
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,236
he did, and he said,

308
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:41,073
"Danny, I see you're doing the Festival.
I run a pub in Edinburgh.

309
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,469
"Come in, I'll buy you drinks all night.

310
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,074
"LOL, Steve."

311
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:50,509
I said, "Steve, I think you've
got the wrong idea there.

312
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:54,195
"I'm not that way inclined, you know.
Thank you for the offer."

313
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:56,953
And then someone said,
"No, it means 'laugh out loud."'

314
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,235
"I thought, that's even weirder,
isn't it?. "

315
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:02,153
He's written, "Come into the pub,
I'll buy you drinks all night.

316
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,197
(LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY)

317
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:08,958
"Steve." You know.

318
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,436
I think I'd rather meet the first guy
is what I'm saying.

319
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:16,230
Talking of which,
bit of a tangent, this,

320
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,710
but I met my friend
for lunch yesterday, right?.

321
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,432
Is it just me,
or do you get really annoyed when people

322
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,599
text while they're
in a conversation with you?.

323
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,272
It's so the height of rudeness,
isn't it?.

324
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:30,237
The whole time, he's texting.

325
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,676
I said, "Why didn't you just
meet that person for lunch?. "

326
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:38,356
He said, "Oh, Danny,
we're sexting, me and my girlfriend."

327
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,158
Have you heard about this?. "Sexting."

328
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:41,229
I said, "What's that?. " He said,

329
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,629
"Well, we send messages
to each other all day

330
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,473
"about what we'd like to do
to each other when we get home."

331
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,154
I said, "Oh, what happens
when you get home?. "

332
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:52,516
He said, "It's just a bit awkward."

333
00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:57,839
I love that. All day,

334
00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:00,036
"Oh you little minx,
wait until I get you home."

335
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,236
You walk in your front door, "Hiya.

336
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:03,514
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

337
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,517
"Sorry about all that."

338
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:12,156
But, no, we sent Hitler a letter.
1 939, eh?.

339
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,754
Because that's what you did
back in the day.

340
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:20,120
All armies used to send some kind of
formal declaration of war in advance.

341
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,270
That was the way it was done.
Not all armies.

342
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:26,069
I don't think the Vikings
ever sent anyone...

343
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:30,233
That would kind of ruin
their element of, "Surprise!"

344
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,951
Not quite as camp as that
I don't think, but you get the idea.

345
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:42,554
I don't think Vikings
got off the longboat,

346
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,552
"Right, ready?.
Quick, two, three, surprise!

347
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:49,038
"We are Vikings, V-I-K-I-N-G-S!

348
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:52,078
"We're here to rape and pillage,
rape and pillage.

349
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,197
"Yeah, we're going to kill you
and burn all your houses down,

350
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:56,759
"burn all your houses down"

351
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,114
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

352
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,752
I knew a bit too much of that routine
for my liking, if I'm being honest.

353
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:08,993
But, look...

354
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:12,957
I don't think there was any gay Vikings.

355
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,073
I mean, there could've been.
I don't know.

356
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,720
You'd have to keep that bloody quiet,
wouldn't you?.

357
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:20,030
Imagine that, if you were a gay Viking.

358
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,949
Because it was famously
a very macho society, right?.

359
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:25,155
All the guys in their...

360
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,279
This is a longboat.

361
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,553
I should've mentioned
that before I started.

362
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,318
"What's he doing?. "

363
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,277
But, like, all the Vikings, right?.

364
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:47,876
They were big, muscley guys
with chins and faces.

365
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:53,831
Hair and big, oily chests.

366
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:57,796
I've maybe been thinking
about this too much, but the point is,

367
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:01,395
they were very aggressive, the Vikings,
right. And they'd row over,

368
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,790
you know, with their
bare chests on the longboat.

369
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,792
Imagine if you were the
only gay Viking on that boat.

370
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,075
Eh?. Just, you know.

371
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,479
"Oh, my word.

372
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:30,438
"Someone's been working out.

373
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,112
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

374
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,400
"Come on, Eric, concentrate.

375
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:39,152
"Put it away, Sven.

376
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,159
"I'm a Viking."

377
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:45,711
"Eric, what the hell is wrong with you?.
You're way out of step."

378
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:47,709
"Sorry."

379
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,751
"Hey, what the fuck's all that about?. "

380
00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:58,759
"Oh, no.

381
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,468
"You never know when they're
going to come, do you?.

382
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,077
"I'm just thinking about
all those men we're going to kill."

383
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:13,312
"Well, don't, eh?. Right?. You'll have
someone's eye out with that."

384
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:17,632
Talking of which... Well,
not talking of having someone's eye out.

385
00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:22,393
I went to a Viking exhibition
not so long ago.

386
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:25,393
Did you know this?. Vikings famously
loved their weapons, right?.

387
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:28,836
Sword, axe, horns on the head. (GROWLS)

388
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:30,239
They couldn't have been
any more tooled up

389
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:33,232
unless they had a chainsaw
coming out their arse, right?.

390
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:36,949
They loved it.
But they also used to wear,

391
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:41,229
this is what I saw in this exhibition,
a pair of tight pants here

392
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:44,357
and, like, a spike at the front.

393
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:49,469
Yeah, and that was another attack.
That was another weapon.

394
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:52,679
You know, if they lost everything else.

395
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:56,275
I'm pretty sure they didn't just go,
"Sword, axe. Nah, don't need that."

396
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,074
(LAUGHS)

397
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:05,149
But when they lost everything else.
So the Viking's running into battle

398
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:07,310
he's lost his sword.
"Shit, I've lost my sword.

399
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:09,391
"Hey, never mind, I've got my axe.
Come on.

400
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,391
"Ah, shit, is that my axe gone?.

401
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,232
"Right, do the old helmet, there.

402
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:16,154
"Ah, is that my helmet gone?.
Come on, you bastards,

403
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:18,310
"we haven't finished yet."

404
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:21,153
Imagine that, turning up at the
battlefield at the end,

405
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:23,993
all the wounded enemy. "Come here, you.

406
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:27,755
"Yeah. I've lost all my...
I've lost my thing.

407
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,432
"Is that guy still breathing?.
I'll get him, there.

408
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:34,114
"I already told you, though, didn't I?.
That's it.

409
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:36,754
"Hey, line them up, Eric.
That's going to be the easiest thing.

410
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:40,678
"Aye, because we've got dinner at 8:00.
I don't want to miss dinner at 8:00.

411
00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:43,118
"That's the way to do this.

412
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:44,918
"Two for you, there.

413
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:46,715
"Are you all right, Eric?. "

414
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:47,789
"Mmm-hmm."

415
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,192
"Totally, totally." (GASPS)

416
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:55,396
You know, the Vikings
attacked us three times,

417
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:57,232
and the last time
the Vikings attacked us,

418
00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:01,397
our king was King Ethelred the Unready.

419
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:05,073
Bit of a no-brainer, right,
for the Vikings, that one.

420
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,032
"Who's in charge of Spain?. "

421
00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:09,156
"That's Franco the Fearless."

422
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:12,915
"Let's leave him.
Who's in charge of Italy?. "

423
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:16,750
"Anthony the Don't Fuck With Me."

424
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:19,951
"Aye, let's leave him as well.

425
00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:22,351
"What about Britain?. Good old Britain?. "

426
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:26,069
"Oh, you'll like this.
Ethelred the Unready."

427
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:28,958
"All right, lads, off you go.
Rape and pillage all you want."

428
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:32,597
And the Viking's going,
"Jeez, not Britain again.

429
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:36,150
"That's the third time, I've just
come back from two weeks in Motherwell."

430
00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,596
"What's wrong with Motherwell?. "

431
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:43,795
"Well, if it was just pillage, nothing."

432
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:45,393
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

433
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:57,071
I had a rather disastrous year
last year, I spent five months in LA.

434
00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:00,357
And... Well, I was touring
around America, generally,

435
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:03,193
and it didn't really work out,
if I'm being absolutely honest.

436
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,157
This didn't work out.

437
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,473
No, I'm serious.
I'm half-Indian, half-Scottish.

438
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:11,836
And America's the great
melting pot of the world,

439
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:14,514
but they don't have
many Scottish-Indian guys.

440
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:17,433
That is a real head fuck to them.

441
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:21,399
That is two very separate
characters on The Simpsons to them.

442
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:22,959
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

443
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,471
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
"I don't really know what's going on."

444
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,073
(IN NORMAL VOICE) I did a gig
in a revolving restaurant

445
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:33,639
in Texas, this is true.

446
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:35,756
Hardest gig I've ever done,
because they would heckle,

447
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:37,717
and then they'd sort of move off.

448
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,273
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "You're shit."

449
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:45,272
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
And I was like, "You're shit, mate,

450
00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,510
"I'll get you when you
come back around, right.

451
00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:49,750
"Where is he?. So many hats."

452
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:56,189
But they have to have guns in Texas.
One in three people carry a gun.

453
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:59,909
As far as heckling's concerned,
that's a real game changer, you know?.

454
00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:01,999
I don't want to get involved in that.

455
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:07,473
After that gig, I died. I went off,
and they had a line dancing competition.

456
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:10,717
Have you ever... Do you know the...

457
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,837
# Don't breAk my heArt,
my Achy breAky heArt

458
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:15,831
# Ijust don't think you

459
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:19,071
It looks like a guy being attacked by
mosquitoes, that's what it looks like.

460
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:23,472
# Just don't think you'll under...stAnd

461
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:25,551
I think I got one,
I'd better make sure it's dead.

462
00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:29,110
# You cAn breAk my heArt
my Achy breAky heArt #

463
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:34,558
I went to a bar in...

464
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,279
That was Billy Ray Cyrus
I was singing there, wasn't it?.

465
00:27:37,360 --> 00:27:39,476
-Is that right?.
-AUDIENCE: Yes.

466
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:42,552
I remember, I went on
his website a while ago,

467
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:44,399
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

468
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:48,234
just for research. And, uh...

469
00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:51,153
I don't know if it's still there,
but his website, its front page says,

470
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:55,791
"Billy Ray Cyrus, The man that
put the 'ray' into 'country."'

471
00:27:57,840 --> 00:27:58,909
I thought, "That's funny.

472
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:02,310
"I'd say you're the man that put the
other half of that word into 'country,'

473
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:05,790
"but I'm just going on the photograph,
you know what I mean?. "

474
00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:07,393
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

475
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:11,789
Um...

476
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:17,430
When I was in Texas,
I went to a bar in Texas after that gig.

477
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:21,676
Do you know?.
They don't drink like us in America.

478
00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:25,036
And I don't mean like...
It's not an amount thing.

479
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:27,955
It's more of a mentality thing.
Because it's a great myth

480
00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:31,510
that Scottish people drink more
than any other country, right?.

481
00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:34,429
Look at you all.

482
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:36,476
"I can't wait to see
where he goes with this one."

483
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:37,788
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

484
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:40,950
All right, we're up there.

485
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:44,476
If there was a drinking World Cup,
we'd be Spain.

486
00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:47,113
Which is ironic, because Spain

487
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:50,078
would be Scotland in
that particular scenario, wouldn't it?.

488
00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:54,790
"Hey, what's that, mate?. Sangria?.
Fucking good luck qualifying with that."

489
00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:59,872
"Sangria!

490
00:28:59,960 --> 00:29:00,995
"You'll need a jug of it.

491
00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:03,719
"We've got chips
more alcoholic than that, aye.

492
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:07,190
"Sangria, aye.
I don't know, I'll ask him.

493
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:08,315
"What's that on the top?.

494
00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:10,595
"Fruit!

495
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:14,514
"Good luck, though, mate. Good luck."

496
00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:18,270
He's a very small Spanish man.

497
00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:21,433
Could be, you don't know.

498
00:29:22,440 --> 00:29:24,954
No, it's more of a mentality thing.

499
00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:29,033
Because every country likes to drink.
I've travelled around the world,

500
00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:31,031
and I'm lucky to have been
to a lot of places

501
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:34,192
where I didn't think
I'd get a drink, and I did.

502
00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:38,314
Well, you know these
hard-line Muslim countries.

503
00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:41,675
Look at you all,
"This better be good, Danny."

504
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:45,637
But you can get a drink there.
They like to drink.

505
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:47,631
They drink, they just don't...

506
00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:50,598
Do you know how you
know that before you even go?.

507
00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:56,110
That whole "Death to the West" thing.

508
00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:59,636
Don't tell me anyone
came up with that sober.

509
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:04,235
That's not a sober concoction.
"Death to the West"?.

510
00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:08,154
That's got a really heavy night of
drinking stamped all over it, hasn't it?.

511
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:10,515
That's got shots in the bar at the end.

512
00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:14,912
Death, think about it,
to an entire direction.

513
00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:19,474
Come on, no one comes up with that
over tea and biscuits.

514
00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:23,553
That's a fucking,
"Death to the West, to the West!

515
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:27,076
"To the West. All that, death.

516
00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:28,991
"Give me another one...

517
00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:35,315
"Death, everything to my left,
death. Death!

518
00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:40,076
"John, John, John! Get over here.

519
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:43,640
"Doesn't matter, just get over here.
Stay to my right.

520
00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:46,837
"Death... I know you're
talking to my wife, come over here."

521
00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:57,358
No, but it's a mentality thing
that separates us from other countries.

522
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:59,078
I'll give you a good example, right?.

523
00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:02,914
When we in Scotland
read on a medical prescription,

524
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:05,833
a medical prescription,

525
00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:10,710
"Do not take with alcohol,"
in big, bold letters,

526
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:13,435
what that translates in our head as,

527
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:17,399
is if you take this with alcohol,
it's going to be fucking brilliant!

528
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:19,914
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-(WHOOPING)

529
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:22,428
"Go and get me another sangria."

530
00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:27,593
It is, it's little things like that.

531
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:30,831
I was in a clothes shop
on George Street, three weeks ago,

532
00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:32,239
and it was the middle of the afternoon.

533
00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:34,072
Here's a brilliant example, right?.

534
00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:36,310
So I'm in the fitting room,

535
00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:38,960
and it was one of those fitting rooms
where they don't put a mirror in.

536
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:41,713
I don't know why,
I'm not going to nick the mirror.

537
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:44,868
You have to come out
and use the one in the shop, right?.

538
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:48,350
And it's uncomfortable,
particularly for blokes, you know.

539
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:51,398
People look at you,
"Oh, that looks nice." "Fuck off.

540
00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:54,359
"I'll take it, I'll take it."

541
00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:57,830
And there was a kid standing next to me,
maybe an 1 8, 1 9-year-old kid,

542
00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:00,749
he's trying on his shirt, right?.

543
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:05,792
He just did the little thing,
which I won't see in any other country.

544
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:07,711
Just reminded me
of our drinking culture.

545
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:09,597
This kid just went...

546
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:27,709
"I wonder how my pint and my fag,
will go with that, you know."

547
00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:31,639
Oh, dear.

548
00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:37,108
On Friday night, I watched
a group of girls on Princes Street.

549
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:40,795
You know, on a Friday night, after work,
you look lovely.

550
00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:45,908
Right?. No, they do, they look all great,
and they've gone home and got changed

551
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:50,676
and the hair is bouncing.
Little bag bouncing with the hair.

552
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:54,639
"Hi, Jemma, how you going?. " "Nice bag."
"Thank you!" It's all really nice.

553
00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:56,597
And then, what happens
when you go in that pub?.

554
00:32:56,680 --> 00:33:00,036
I watched the same group of girls
come out eight hours later.

555
00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:02,475
Fuck me, the whole thing has changed.

556
00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:05,509
The walk is now this sort of...

557
00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:10,478
But it's that dialogue
that has to happen

558
00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:12,391
amongst groups of women
when they come out of the pub.

559
00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:15,074
You know that, "Right,

560
00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:16,832
"listen,

561
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:22,196
"listen, listen, listen.
Listen to me. Listen.

562
00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:26,193
"Where we going?. Where we going?.
Guys, guys, guys, listen.

563
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:28,874
"Guys, where are we going, guys?. Guys.

564
00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:31,315
"Where we going?. (LAUGHS)
Where we going, though?.

565
00:33:31,600 --> 00:33:34,910
"No, seriously, listen, listen!
Where are we going?. "

566
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:37,150
"I don't know, let's just go.
Let's just go."

567
00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:38,229
"Aye, but where we going?. "

568
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:40,117
"I don't know, let's just go!"

569
00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:43,272
"Someone make a decision!
Someone make a decision!"

570
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:49,229
One of them always goes, "Right,
I'm going. That's it, I'm going.

571
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:52,039
"If you want to come, come. I'm going."

572
00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:53,109
And that one with the limp,

573
00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:55,509
I don't know where they got
the limp from, is always following.

574
00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:58,273
"I'm coming, I'm coming."

575
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:02,318
Shoes in the hand.
"I'm coming, I'm coming."

576
00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:08,033
"Where we going?. " "I don't know,
let's just go, I don't know."

577
00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:13,758
Have you ever noticed how we have 1,000
words for being drunk in this country,

578
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:15,990
and only one for being sober?.

579
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:17,399
If you're sober, you're sober.
If you're drunk,

580
00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:20,756
you're pissed, you're trashed, you're
hammered, you're wasted, you're wellied,

581
00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:22,598
you're shit-faced!

582
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:23,715
Where did that come from?.

583
00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:26,917
"Oh, I was so drunk last night,
I had shit all over my face."

584
00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:28,433
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

585
00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:31,034
(LAUGHS)

586
00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:36,676
They don't use that phrase in America
I found out before it was too late.

587
00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:40,438
I met this girl for lunch in LA
and I sat down, I said,

588
00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:43,751
"I'm really sorry I'm late.
I was absolutely shit-faced last night."

589
00:34:43,840 --> 00:34:46,479
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) She went,
"Oh, my God. You had shit on your face?. "

590
00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:50,877
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
"Oh, no, no. It's just an expression.

591
00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:53,599
"The shit was in my pants, aye.

592
00:34:57,480 --> 00:34:59,391
"You don't use that here, no."

593
00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:03,239
It's little things.
It's the mentality of the situation

594
00:35:03,320 --> 00:35:07,359
that makes us different
than our friends in America.

595
00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:09,557
Well, here's another example,

596
00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:11,517
just the places where we get alcohol.

597
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:15,878
Off-licence is a slight menacing term.

598
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:17,998
"Off-licence."

599
00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:21,437
"Licensed?. " "No, we're off it, mate."

600
00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:22,919
"But licensed..."
"No, we're not licensed.

601
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:25,514
"We're off-licence.
We don't really have a licence.

602
00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:27,477
"What do you want?. What do you want?. "

603
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:31,753
In America, "Liquor store."

604
00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:34,673
It sounds nice, doesn't it?.
"Come on, Mom and Pop,

605
00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:40,912
"let's go to the liquor store,
buy some beer for the ball game."

606
00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:43,272
Off-licence.

607
00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:47,559
In Australia, they call it,
well, is there any Australians in?.

608
00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:48,629
WOMAN: Whoo! Bottle-O.

609
00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:51,433
Bottle-O, right.

610
00:35:51,520 --> 00:35:54,671
A bit quick off the mark there, madam.
"Bottle-O!"

611
00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:57,670
-Which is short for...
-Bottle Shop.

612
00:35:57,760 --> 00:35:59,557
Bottle Shop.

613
00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:01,878
I love the way you went,
"Bottle-O" first.

614
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:04,918
Most people would say the long name
first, then abbreviate it.

615
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:06,035
No, not in Australia.

616
00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:07,189
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
"Fuck, I'm not saying

617
00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:10,192
"'Bottle Shop' every time.
It's 'Bottle-O,' mate, 'Bottle-O.'

618
00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:13,556
"Who's Mister Fancy Pants
with his 'Bottle Shop'?.

619
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:16,070
"Look at him there with his shoes."

620
00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:17,639
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

621
00:36:19,480 --> 00:36:20,708
"Bottle-O, mate, Bottle-O.

622
00:36:20,800 --> 00:36:23,360
"It's too much aggro
to say 'Bottle Shop."'

623
00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:26,757
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Bottle Shop, what a great...

624
00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:28,193
I'd love to have been in the committee

625
00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:29,838
when you came up with that,
I really would.

626
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:33,037
How long did it take you to... Eh?.

627
00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:35,873
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
"All right, listen up, settle down.

628
00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:39,472
"We've got a shop,

629
00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:42,678
"listen up, settle down,

630
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:47,752
"with bottles in it.
We're going to need a name.

631
00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:52,993
"All right?. So, get thinking. Now,

632
00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:57,392
"the bottles are already in the shop,
this is the thing to remember here.

633
00:36:57,480 --> 00:37:01,473
"The bottles are in the shop,
so just think about a good name there."

634
00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:05,950
Come back after lunch.
"Right, listen up, settle down.

635
00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:12,515
"We've got two major suggestions
for the shop with bottle, listen up.

636
00:37:14,240 --> 00:37:17,198
"'Shop Bottle.'

637
00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:21,677
"John came up with that. Nice one, John.
Nothing wrong with that, mate.

638
00:37:21,760 --> 00:37:24,274
"'Shop Bottle,'
it's got everything we need.

639
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:26,590
"Give yourself one of them, mate.

640
00:37:28,720 --> 00:37:32,599
"'Shop Bottle,' I like that, I do.
I fuck... Nothing wrong with that, mate.

641
00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:35,752
"Nothing wrong with that, John.
'Shop Bottle.'

642
00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:37,751
"I'm writing it down.

643
00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:41,596
"But, Barry,

644
00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:44,548
"he's gone with 'Bottle Shop'.

645
00:37:45,160 --> 00:37:47,993
"Also good, also good.

646
00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:55,668
"So we'll have a quick show of hands,
what've we got?. One, two, three, four.

647
00:37:55,760 --> 00:37:58,877
"And then 'Bottle Shop', four, five,
six. Well, 'Bottle Shop' it is.

648
00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:01,679
"Surprises me, but there you go.

649
00:38:01,760 --> 00:38:02,795
"Nothing wrong with that, John.

650
00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:06,713
"Right, next, we need a name for that

651
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:10,349
"great big barrier reef
at the top of the country, anyone?.

652
00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:13,238
"Anyone at all?. No?. Nothing coming?.

653
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:16,437
"All right, we'll be
thinking about that, then.

654
00:38:19,720 --> 00:38:24,669
"Oh, and I've just been told, there's
already a South Wales in Britain.

655
00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:26,438
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

656
00:38:29,160 --> 00:38:32,516
"So, we'll need a new name for that."

657
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:36,634
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

658
00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:43,869
(IN NORMAL VOICE) I love this.

659
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:47,270
Do you know, I heard
a great phrase in Australia this year?.

660
00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:48,952
I was in Western Australia,
I was in Perth,

661
00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:52,631
which is very hot.
It's fatherless child hot.

662
00:38:55,240 --> 00:38:59,233
And I was in the dressing room,
and this tech guy said,

663
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:00,992
"Can I get you anything, Danny?. "

664
00:39:01,080 --> 00:39:03,878
I said, "Well, it's super-hot here,
is there any air conditioning?. "

665
00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:06,076
He said, (IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
"Oh, I'll go and find out, mate."

666
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:07,991
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
And he never came back, right?.

667
00:39:08,080 --> 00:39:10,514
Not a major problem, but I'm on my way
to the stage and I'm sweating,

668
00:39:10,600 --> 00:39:12,397
and I said to the guy,
I saw him and I said,

669
00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:14,797
"What happened with
the air conditioning?. "

670
00:39:14,880 --> 00:39:17,075
I'd never heard this phrase before,
he said,

671
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:21,119
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
"Oh, mate. Balls out, I totally forgot."

672
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:30,275
(IN NORMAL VOICE) I mean, it was dark.
I said, "You haven't, have you?.

673
00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:32,271
"Just your apology is fine."

674
00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:35,873
"Balls out," it's an Australian way
of saying, "To be honest."

675
00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:36,995
That's what they say.

676
00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:39,514
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) "Balls out, mate.
No, I'm not lying to you, mate.

677
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:41,272
"Look, the fucking balls are out.

678
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:44,158
"The balls, I've got me balls out.
I'm telling you the truth, mate.

679
00:39:44,240 --> 00:39:46,435
"Look at that, you know?. "

680
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:49,835
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Was there
ever a literal manifestation of that?.

681
00:39:49,920 --> 00:39:52,388
Some guy in a court of law, you know,

682
00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:55,392
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth,

683
00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:57,232
(LAUGHS) "so help you, God?. "

684
00:39:57,920 --> 00:39:59,069
(SIGHS)

685
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:01,038
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

686
00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:04,313
(CLEARS THROAT)

687
00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:07,109
"I think that answers your question."

688
00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:12,912
Anyway, I was slightly side-tracked,
but yes,

689
00:40:13,000 --> 00:40:14,353
they don't drink like us in the States.

690
00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:17,352
I was in a bar in Texas,
this is where I found this out.

691
00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:20,079
I was with a friend of mine
and we went into this,

692
00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:23,516
I mean, it was a real, like, rough bar.

693
00:40:23,600 --> 00:40:26,956
People with no teeth
and scars and stuff, you know.

694
00:40:27,040 --> 00:40:29,110
Difficult to tell with the hoods on.

695
00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:30,633
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

696
00:40:33,560 --> 00:40:35,437
Anyway, I'm in this bar in Texas.

697
00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:37,830
"Hello," I said to the barman.

698
00:40:38,680 --> 00:40:41,240
He said, uh... (SPITS)

699
00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:45,714
Now, just to sort of lighten
the atmosphere a bit

700
00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:47,631
because I sensed
everyone looking at us, right?.

701
00:40:47,720 --> 00:40:50,712
I said,
"What kind of wines do you have?. "

702
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:57,672
Knowing that there was no wine.
Well, there might have been,

703
00:40:57,760 --> 00:40:59,432
but I wasn't even going
to drink the wine.

704
00:40:59,520 --> 00:41:02,273
We're not great wine
connoisseurs in Scotland.

705
00:41:02,360 --> 00:41:04,635
There are people in Glasgow
who think Chardonnay

706
00:41:04,720 --> 00:41:07,188
is the woman who sang Smooth OperAtor.

707
00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:13,236
Come on, now, "Sade," right, okay.

708
00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:16,198
"What kind of wines do you have?. "

709
00:41:16,280 --> 00:41:19,033
Do you know, when I was at that party

710
00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:21,429
that I was mentioning where I met
the Bollywood director,

711
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:23,351
this bugged the shit out of me.

712
00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:25,510
We're having dinner around a table.

713
00:41:25,600 --> 00:41:28,273
People are really wine snobs nowadays.

714
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:30,233
I was opening the bottle of wine.

715
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:32,515
I didn't know half
the people around the table.

716
00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:35,990
A guy that didn't know me,
while I was opening it, he went,

717
00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:40,358
"Uh, Danny, Danny. Danny.

718
00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:47,472
"The wine, breathe, it must breathe.
You must remember to let it breathe."

719
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:50,391
I was like... (BREATHING DEEPLY)

720
00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:57,870
He said, "No, no, no,
the wine must breathe.

721
00:41:58,680 --> 00:42:04,118
"The wine, the wine. I know, he's funny.
He's a comedian, you know.

722
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:07,795
"The wine must breathe,
the wine must breathe."

723
00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:10,678
I said, "Fuck, it's Blue Nun.

724
00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:15,868
"I think the name alone implies
it's had its last breath."

725
00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:21,436
Look, anyway, in the bar,

726
00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:23,670
I said,
"What kind of wines do you have?. "

727
00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:26,115
And this barman went,

728
00:42:26,200 --> 00:42:30,796
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"It's just..." He didn't have any teeth.

729
00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:34,236
"It's just red,

730
00:42:37,720 --> 00:42:39,472
"red or white."

731
00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:42,239
(DANNY LAUGHING)

732
00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:45,355
"Red or white, boy."

733
00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:49,792
(IN NORMAL VOICE) "Oh, you know who
I am. That's quite handy."

734
00:42:51,640 --> 00:42:53,232
No, don't.

735
00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,436
Not a good idea to make
jokes with these guys,

736
00:42:55,520 --> 00:42:58,193
as I found out next, because I said,

737
00:42:58,280 --> 00:43:00,635
you know, again, just to try
and lighten the atmosphere,

738
00:43:00,720 --> 00:43:02,995
he said, (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"It's red or white."

739
00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:05,275
(IN NORMAL VOICE) And I said,
"Oh, there seems to be some mistake.

740
00:43:05,360 --> 00:43:07,590
"I said,
'What kind of wines do you have?. '

741
00:43:07,680 --> 00:43:10,513
"Not, 'What kind of necks do you have?. "'

742
00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:11,953
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

743
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:20,629
Yeah, I turned to high-five my friend,
he was halfway to the car.

744
00:43:21,680 --> 00:43:23,432
A trail of dust in his wake.

745
00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:28,669
That was the hardest thing
about the States, was...

746
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:33,076
You know, someone once used the phrase,

747
00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:37,233
"America and Britain
are divided by a common language."

748
00:43:37,320 --> 00:43:41,199
Because so many of the phrases they use
are different from the ones we use.

749
00:43:41,280 --> 00:43:44,113
It's quite hard when you're doing comedy
to remember all that.

750
00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:48,193
Like, for example, when an American
says he's pissed,

751
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:49,429
he means he's angry.

752
00:43:49,520 --> 00:43:52,114
When a Scottish person says he's pissed,
he means he's drunk

753
00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:55,315
-and angry, right?.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

754
00:43:57,240 --> 00:43:58,992
Little things like that.

755
00:43:59,080 --> 00:44:01,548
But the thing is, I know a lot about
American culture, we all do.

756
00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:03,392
Because we grew up with American shows,

757
00:44:03,480 --> 00:44:07,075
Iike Seinffeld and Cheers
and The Golden Girls.

758
00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:10,399
(CHUCKLES)

759
00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:14,315
Do you remember The Golden Girls?.
That was weird, wasn't it?.

760
00:44:15,280 --> 00:44:17,794
The premise of that, what was that?.

761
00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:20,030
"Oh, look, four granny sluts,

762
00:44:20,120 --> 00:44:21,439
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

763
00:44:21,520 --> 00:44:23,909
"in a house in Florida."

764
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:26,639
That's a very niche Internet market now,
isn't it?.

765
00:44:28,160 --> 00:44:29,275
I would imagine.

766
00:44:31,560 --> 00:44:34,154
No, but, we know
about American culture, right,

767
00:44:34,240 --> 00:44:35,593
because we grew up with their shows.

768
00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:39,468
Like, if an American says to me,
"Can I use your restroom, Danny?. "

769
00:44:40,160 --> 00:44:43,755
I know he doesn't mean,
"Can I go and lie down in your bed?. "

770
00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:45,910
I learned that the hard way.

771
00:44:48,880 --> 00:44:50,393
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
"Can I use your restroom, Danny?. "

772
00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:52,198
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
"Yeah, it's in there, off you go."

773
00:44:53,560 --> 00:44:56,074
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
"You want me to go in there?. "

774
00:44:56,320 --> 00:44:58,436
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
"Yes, that's my restroom."

775
00:44:59,880 --> 00:45:02,633
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
"Where do you want me to go?. "

776
00:45:03,360 --> 00:45:04,634
(IN NORMAL VOICE) "On my bed."

777
00:45:07,440 --> 00:45:08,998
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
"I don't think that's appropriate."

778
00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:11,275
(IN NORMAL VOICE) "Hey, I'll be
offended if you don't, right?.

779
00:45:11,360 --> 00:45:13,396
"My house is your house. Off you go.

780
00:45:13,600 --> 00:45:14,635
"Go on, knock yourself...

781
00:45:14,760 --> 00:45:16,796
"Hey, quit pissing in my fucking bed!"

782
00:45:20,920 --> 00:45:22,433
It's little things like that, you know?.

783
00:45:22,520 --> 00:45:27,116
But then, of course, the problem
is when Americans come to Scotland.

784
00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:31,511
And sometimes they're
not familiar with our culture

785
00:45:31,600 --> 00:45:33,875
in the same way
that we are familiar with theirs.

786
00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:36,758
Well, I used to work in a bar
here in Edinburgh,

787
00:45:36,840 --> 00:45:39,638
in a pub, but it was for locals, right?.

788
00:45:39,720 --> 00:45:42,757
And we very rarely
got tourists coming in.

789
00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:45,149
But this American couple
came in one day.

790
00:45:45,640 --> 00:45:48,712
9:00 in the morning,
so the bar was completely

791
00:45:49,000 --> 00:45:50,069
full.

792
00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:51,434
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

793
00:45:52,760 --> 00:45:54,478
That's our happy hour, isn't it?.

794
00:45:55,040 --> 00:45:56,393
At some pubs.

795
00:45:57,120 --> 00:45:58,235
Anyway.

796
00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:01,718
These two American guys walked in.

797
00:46:01,880 --> 00:46:03,029
I knew they were American.

798
00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:05,634
One of them had a skin-tight
Loch Ness Monster T-shirt on.

799
00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:08,876
You don't see many Scottish people
wearing them.

800
00:46:09,720 --> 00:46:11,756
They come, they sit up at the bar.

801
00:46:12,240 --> 00:46:14,196
I said, "Hi, guys, what can I get you?. "

802
00:46:14,440 --> 00:46:16,510
One of them said,
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "Hey, Braveheart."

803
00:46:21,200 --> 00:46:24,078
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Hoots mon. Och aye the noo, Jimmy.

804
00:46:24,160 --> 00:46:26,230
"What can I get you there, wee laddie?. "

805
00:46:27,440 --> 00:46:28,589
He said,

806
00:46:28,680 --> 00:46:30,193
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
"Can me and my golfing buddy

807
00:46:30,280 --> 00:46:31,918
"get a couple of breakfasts, please?. "

808
00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:33,315
(IN NORMAL VOICE) I say, "Of course."

809
00:46:33,400 --> 00:46:36,949
Now, this is 1 5 years ago.
There was no muesli option.

810
00:46:37,040 --> 00:46:41,033
It was just... No continental breakfast.

811
00:46:41,120 --> 00:46:42,269
What the fuck!

812
00:46:42,360 --> 00:46:44,999
That's the biggest myth in the world,
"Continental breakfast."

813
00:46:45,080 --> 00:46:48,959
"Continental breakfast" basically means,
"We have no breakfast.

814
00:46:49,560 --> 00:46:53,473
"We couldn't be arsed to make anything.
Here's some yoghurt and a bun."

815
00:46:54,640 --> 00:46:57,154
"What continent is this from?. Africa?. "

816
00:46:58,560 --> 00:46:59,675
Right?.

817
00:47:00,920 --> 00:47:02,319
Anyway.

818
00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:04,239
True, isn't it?.

819
00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:08,318
So, we only had the big,
Scottish fried breakfast.

820
00:47:08,400 --> 00:47:09,549
I said, "I'll get you two of them."

821
00:47:09,640 --> 00:47:12,393
So, I went and got them
two big, Scottish fried breakfasts.

822
00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:15,472
You're familiar with the
fried Scottish breakfast.

823
00:47:15,560 --> 00:47:19,872
Different coloured bits of grey meat,
swimming in grease, right.

824
00:47:20,720 --> 00:47:22,199
And these two American guys,

825
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:24,510
one of them was just pushing stuff away.

826
00:47:24,600 --> 00:47:27,831
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "I don't
really understand what this is, Bob.

827
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:30,872
"Is that a scab?.

828
00:47:32,760 --> 00:47:35,399
"Fuck me. They don't eat this, do they?. "

829
00:47:35,480 --> 00:47:36,595
(LAUGHS)

830
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:39,079
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Now, obviously,
with our breakfast,

831
00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:42,038
as a lot of you'll know,
we have fried bread, right.

832
00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:45,000
We have fried bread.

833
00:47:45,720 --> 00:47:48,712
I mean, we've got toasters.
We know what the toaster does.

834
00:47:49,880 --> 00:47:51,950
It's not for us, though, is it?.

835
00:47:52,320 --> 00:47:54,436
"Take that wizardry out of here.

836
00:47:55,400 --> 00:47:56,435
"Stick it in the fryer.

837
00:47:56,520 --> 00:47:58,112
"Stick it in with a Mars bar,
see what happens.

838
00:47:58,200 --> 00:48:02,193
"Aye, see what happens.
Aye, but, let's see what happens."

839
00:48:02,600 --> 00:48:04,830
But these two American guys
weren't familiar

840
00:48:04,920 --> 00:48:06,956
with this concept of fried bread.

841
00:48:07,040 --> 00:48:08,109
Why would you be?.

842
00:48:08,200 --> 00:48:11,795
Fried bread?.
What sane person fries bread?.

843
00:48:11,880 --> 00:48:15,316
So, one of them picks it up,
in this pub.

844
00:48:15,400 --> 00:48:16,958
I'm kind of keeping an eye on them.

845
00:48:17,720 --> 00:48:21,952
And he says, "I'm just going to
have the toast, I think."

846
00:48:22,280 --> 00:48:24,316
"Oh, my God. He thinks that's toast!"

847
00:48:25,240 --> 00:48:27,959
I should have stopped him.
I know I should have stopped him.

848
00:48:28,040 --> 00:48:29,439
But I didn't.

849
00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:31,596
He takes a big scoop of butter.

850
00:48:31,960 --> 00:48:33,393
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

851
00:48:35,080 --> 00:48:36,638
Oh, the humanity.

852
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,758
I should have stopped him,
when I think about it.

853
00:48:39,840 --> 00:48:42,832
Anyway, he butters
this bit of fried bread.

854
00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:44,315
Mmm.

855
00:48:45,080 --> 00:48:47,674
And then he took one bite...
I should have stopped him.

856
00:48:47,760 --> 00:48:48,829
I know it, right.

857
00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:50,558
He took one bite of this.

858
00:48:51,000 --> 00:48:52,353
And the grease just...

859
00:48:53,960 --> 00:48:57,748
It hit the ceilings, it hit the wall.
It hit people in the face.

860
00:48:57,840 --> 00:49:00,434
"It's fucking happy hour!
What's going on?. "

861
00:49:04,280 --> 00:49:05,474
(LAUGHING)

862
00:49:07,240 --> 00:49:12,360
So, this American guy is taking a bite
of this fried bread with butter on top.

863
00:49:12,720 --> 00:49:15,598
But I watched him. His face was...

864
00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:20,157
It was, kind of,
a mixture of confusion and fear.

865
00:49:23,640 --> 00:49:25,437
But, to be fair to the guy,
he didn't say anything.

866
00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:29,149
He just resiliently chewed it
a bit longer than he usually would.

867
00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:32,751
(GULPS) And then he swallowed it.

868
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:34,398
But what makes me laugh still
to this day,

869
00:49:34,480 --> 00:49:35,629
is what he said to his friend.

870
00:49:35,720 --> 00:49:37,790
He turns to his friend, he says,

871
00:49:38,760 --> 00:49:41,558
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
"Just to let you know, Bob.

872
00:49:41,640 --> 00:49:43,039
"That ain't toast.

873
00:49:43,200 --> 00:49:44,758
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

874
00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:50,678
"That's a crouton."

875
00:49:50,760 --> 00:49:52,478
(AUDIENCE CONTINUES LAUGHING)

876
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:01,513
"That's a crouton."

877
00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:05,711
(IN NORMAL VOICE) I suppose that's
what it is, when you think about it.

878
00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:09,757
Anyways, look, the point is...

879
00:50:10,640 --> 00:50:12,119
I was in America.

880
00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:17,589
I spent five months living there,
in LA, in a big house.

881
00:50:18,160 --> 00:50:20,390
Full of porn stars, actually.

882
00:50:20,480 --> 00:50:21,515
I didn't choose it.

883
00:50:21,600 --> 00:50:23,750
It just happened to be porn stars
in this house.

884
00:50:23,840 --> 00:50:25,512
Lovely fellas,

885
00:50:26,640 --> 00:50:28,835
but I didn't use the pool much.

886
00:50:29,000 --> 00:50:30,194
(LAUGHS)

887
00:50:31,200 --> 00:50:33,589
But, actually,

888
00:50:33,680 --> 00:50:36,240
the gigs were not going great
in America.

889
00:50:36,360 --> 00:50:39,272
But I got, weirdly,
the biggest gig of my career.

890
00:50:39,360 --> 00:50:40,918
I got a call...
This is a true story, now.

891
00:50:41,000 --> 00:50:43,036
I got a call
from the DAvid LettermAn show,

892
00:50:43,120 --> 00:50:46,192
asking me if I wanted to do
four-and-a-half minutes of stand-up

893
00:50:46,280 --> 00:50:47,349
on the LettermAn show.

894
00:50:47,440 --> 00:50:49,954
And that's like the holy grail
for comedians, the LettermAn show.

895
00:50:50,040 --> 00:50:51,519
It's the thing we all want.

896
00:50:51,640 --> 00:50:53,392
So I was like, "God, that's amazing.

897
00:50:53,520 --> 00:50:56,671
"This is the biggest gig of my career."

898
00:50:56,920 --> 00:50:58,558
A huge deal, LettermAn.

899
00:50:58,680 --> 00:51:00,989
Clearly not as big a deal
in Edinburgh, I'm getting that vibe.

900
00:51:02,520 --> 00:51:04,590
"David Letterman?. Who does he play for?. "

901
00:51:06,120 --> 00:51:08,031
But... But, anyway.

902
00:51:09,040 --> 00:51:11,235
So, I go to New York, right?.

903
00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:12,355
And I'm going to film this

904
00:51:12,440 --> 00:51:14,271
four-and-a-half minutes
of stand-up on LettermAn,

905
00:51:14,360 --> 00:51:15,475
and I'm super excited.

906
00:51:15,560 --> 00:51:18,916
They keep the guests quite secret
until the last minute, the big guests.

907
00:51:19,000 --> 00:51:21,639
And I was on the show with Matt Damon.

908
00:51:22,880 --> 00:51:24,029
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)

909
00:51:24,120 --> 00:51:26,031
Oh, you're listening now, aren't you?.

910
00:51:26,240 --> 00:51:28,674
"Oh, we know him. Shush. We know him."

911
00:51:31,960 --> 00:51:33,757
It was quite exciting.
I'm in my little dressing room.

912
00:51:33,920 --> 00:51:35,672
I didn't expect to meet Matt Damon.

913
00:51:35,760 --> 00:51:38,513
But, about an hour before the show,
absolutely true,

914
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:40,511
he burst into my dressing room.

915
00:51:40,600 --> 00:51:43,398
Well, he didn't burst in. He walked in.
He didn't, you know,

916
00:51:43,480 --> 00:51:45,869
"Danny Bhoy is on the show?. I must see!"

917
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:48,833
He walks in the dressing room

918
00:51:48,960 --> 00:51:51,633
and I was writing out my
four-and-a-half minutes of stand-up.

919
00:51:51,720 --> 00:51:53,676
I'm quite nervous and excited.

920
00:51:53,840 --> 00:51:57,958
I spun around,
and I saw Matt Damon, right?.

921
00:51:58,400 --> 00:52:03,030
Now, you can never really legislate
for what you're going to say

922
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:05,953
in those slightly surreal
moments in life.

923
00:52:06,680 --> 00:52:10,150
I certainly didn't expect these words
to come out of my mouth.

924
00:52:11,160 --> 00:52:12,388
I spin around.

925
00:52:12,680 --> 00:52:13,999
Matt Damon.

926
00:52:14,080 --> 00:52:15,115
I said,

927
00:52:15,200 --> 00:52:17,475
"Good heavens!

928
00:52:21,480 --> 00:52:23,072
"It's you!"

929
00:52:25,880 --> 00:52:29,714
I've never used the phrase
"Good heavens" before in my life.

930
00:52:29,800 --> 00:52:33,156
I've never been in a
Merchant Ivory film, why would I?.

931
00:52:34,200 --> 00:52:36,156
Where did that come from?.

932
00:52:36,320 --> 00:52:38,914
I guess I thought in my head,
"He's an actor. That's how they talk."

933
00:52:39,880 --> 00:52:42,075
As if he was going to go,
"How now, jester?.

934
00:52:43,480 --> 00:52:46,199
"Tell me thy name
and thy favourite misadventure."

935
00:52:46,720 --> 00:52:51,111
We'd dance around each other
with tights and a mandolin.

936
00:52:52,160 --> 00:52:54,276
A coffee filter around our necks.

937
00:52:56,560 --> 00:52:58,630
It's not a coffee filter, is it?.

938
00:52:58,720 --> 00:53:01,632
Do you know those things they had in
Elizabethan times

939
00:53:02,120 --> 00:53:03,599
around the neck?.

940
00:53:03,760 --> 00:53:06,115
-I don't know what they're called...
-MAN: Ruff!

941
00:53:06,200 --> 00:53:07,269
-Ruff!
-Ruff?.

942
00:53:07,360 --> 00:53:08,713
Is that what it's called?.

943
00:53:08,800 --> 00:53:11,439
Or is there a pantomime dog
in the audience?.

944
00:53:11,520 --> 00:53:12,794
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

945
00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:16,399
Ruff! Ruff!

946
00:53:20,240 --> 00:53:21,389
(CHUCKLES)

947
00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:23,672
Is that what it's called, then?.
Oh, cool.

948
00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:26,320
A "ruff." Very uncomfortable-looking
things, weren't they?.

949
00:53:26,400 --> 00:53:28,755
You could never look down
in the Elizabethan Age.

950
00:53:28,840 --> 00:53:30,353
You used to have to
trust your instincts.

951
00:53:32,200 --> 00:53:35,192
Walk into a room.
"My boy, I'm assuming you're in here!

952
00:53:36,400 --> 00:53:37,469
(CHUCKLES)

953
00:53:38,280 --> 00:53:40,840
"Balls out, this is very uncomfortable.

954
00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:44,599
"No, it's just a phrase!

955
00:53:44,680 --> 00:53:46,750
"Sorry, it's just a... No, no!"

956
00:53:50,480 --> 00:53:51,879
I never understood Shakespeare.

957
00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:55,555
From a Scottish point of view,
I never got that.

958
00:53:55,680 --> 00:53:57,671
"Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?. "

959
00:53:57,760 --> 00:53:58,829
Fuck off.

960
00:54:00,040 --> 00:54:01,519
I live in Scotland, mate.

961
00:54:02,240 --> 00:54:04,310
Compare me to something else,
for God's sake.

962
00:54:04,400 --> 00:54:05,515
What you're basically saying is

963
00:54:05,600 --> 00:54:07,511
"Shall I compare thee
to a brief moment in time

964
00:54:07,600 --> 00:54:08,919
"when it's stopped raining?. "

965
00:54:10,360 --> 00:54:12,191
"Shall I compare thee to a day last June

966
00:54:12,280 --> 00:54:14,840
"when we turned off the heating
for a few hours?. "

967
00:54:15,920 --> 00:54:19,390
"No, thanks, mate.
You're all right, you're all right."

968
00:54:20,840 --> 00:54:22,432
All bullshit, wasn't it?.

969
00:54:22,600 --> 00:54:23,749
Remember this one?.

970
00:54:24,480 --> 00:54:26,038
I think it was Romeo And Juliet.

971
00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:27,715
"Hark!"

972
00:54:29,040 --> 00:54:30,951
I could stop there, couldn't I?.

973
00:54:32,120 --> 00:54:36,272
"Hark, what light through
yonder window breaks?. "

974
00:54:36,880 --> 00:54:39,553
In Scotland, we're like, "Oh.

975
00:54:41,320 --> 00:54:43,231
"That is the telly."

976
00:54:49,640 --> 00:54:51,870
Unless you're from
the licensing department.

977
00:54:53,480 --> 00:54:56,836
In which case, "Hark!
I don't know what you're talking about."

978
00:54:59,600 --> 00:55:02,034
Do you know, apparently...
Someone told me this the other day,

979
00:55:02,200 --> 00:55:05,431
one in every 1,000 words we use nowadays

980
00:55:05,560 --> 00:55:07,676
was invented by Shakespeare.

981
00:55:07,760 --> 00:55:10,513
He just made up words.
Isn't that incred...

982
00:55:10,600 --> 00:55:13,353
He must have been
a very difficult opponent at Scrabble.

983
00:55:16,040 --> 00:55:18,838
"Another seven, William?.
Well done. Look at that.

984
00:55:19,280 --> 00:55:21,840
"All sevens today. Good on you.

985
00:55:22,480 --> 00:55:24,994
"Very good. I can't compete with that.

986
00:55:25,720 --> 00:55:27,711
"What's this one, again?. 'Betwixt'?.

987
00:55:27,800 --> 00:55:30,678
"What does that mean?. Remind me again."

988
00:55:32,080 --> 00:55:34,196
"It's another way of saying 'between."'

989
00:55:35,280 --> 00:55:38,238
"Oh, of course, aye. Forgot about that.
Yeah. Of course it is.

990
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:39,719
"Silly me.

991
00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:45,668
"I can't help feeling,
betwixt you and me,

992
00:55:46,400 --> 00:55:47,628
"that's shite."

993
00:55:49,720 --> 00:55:50,948
"It's another way of saying 'shit.'

994
00:55:51,040 --> 00:55:52,553
"Fuck off, if you put an 'e'
at the end of 'old,'

995
00:55:52,640 --> 00:55:54,631
"I'll put it at the end of 'shit.'

996
00:55:54,720 --> 00:55:55,994
"It's only fair, mate.

997
00:55:56,400 --> 00:55:57,628
"It's only fair."

998
00:56:00,280 --> 00:56:02,271
I don't know... Shakespeare is
just one of those subjects.

999
00:56:02,360 --> 00:56:04,078
I've never used it since.
That's my point.

1000
00:56:04,160 --> 00:56:06,674
A lot of subjects at school,
I've never used since.

1001
00:56:06,800 --> 00:56:08,358
Why did I learn that?.

1002
00:56:08,440 --> 00:56:11,876
It's only now, at this age,
I've been going, "Why did I learn that?. "

1003
00:56:11,960 --> 00:56:13,951
Long division.

1004
00:56:14,320 --> 00:56:16,356
Why did I learn long division?.
I'm never...

1005
00:56:16,440 --> 00:56:19,238
At no point in my adult life
have I found myself going,

1006
00:56:19,320 --> 00:56:22,073
"Oh, this is a job for long division!

1007
00:56:22,920 --> 00:56:24,558
"Glad I learned that little puppy!"

1008
00:56:25,480 --> 00:56:27,596
The teacher would say,
"You'll learn long division, Danny.

1009
00:56:27,680 --> 00:56:28,749
"You have to learn it.

1010
00:56:28,840 --> 00:56:33,152
"What would you do if
a large number came at you unexpectedly

1011
00:56:33,240 --> 00:56:35,276
"and you didn't have your calculator?.

1012
00:56:35,440 --> 00:56:37,112
"How would you divide it up?. "

1013
00:56:38,640 --> 00:56:39,959
"I wouldn't."

1014
00:56:40,880 --> 00:56:44,475
"If I didn't have my calculator, I'd let
that number be as big as it wants.

1015
00:56:45,600 --> 00:56:49,388
"Knock yourself out, number.
I don't have the tools to deal with you.

1016
00:56:51,520 --> 00:56:53,192
"What do you mean,
if I didn't have my calculator?.

1017
00:56:53,280 --> 00:56:55,430
"It's on my phone, for Christ's sake.

1018
00:56:55,600 --> 00:56:57,238
"Everyone's got a calculator, now."

1019
00:56:57,320 --> 00:57:00,073
"What I'm saying is, if you lost
your phone, Danny,

1020
00:57:00,160 --> 00:57:02,993
"and a large number came at you,
what would you do?. "

1021
00:57:03,080 --> 00:57:05,719
"Well, okay, that would be difficult.

1022
00:57:05,880 --> 00:57:08,678
"But, to be honest,
that's not the first thing I think about

1023
00:57:08,760 --> 00:57:10,113
"when I lose my phone."

1024
00:57:11,000 --> 00:57:14,470
I've never lost my phone and gone,
"Shit, I've lost my phone.

1025
00:57:15,000 --> 00:57:17,719
"I hope a cumbersome equation
doesn't come my way.

1026
00:57:18,640 --> 00:57:22,155
"I'll just carry around this calculator
until I get my phone back."

1027
00:57:24,160 --> 00:57:25,832
"Why are you
carrying a calculator, Danny?. "

1028
00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:28,673
"Isn't it obvious?. I've lost my phone.

1029
00:57:28,760 --> 00:57:32,514
"I'm not an idiot. I don't want to be
hindered by sudden division."

1030
00:57:35,600 --> 00:57:36,919
Bloody long division.

1031
00:57:38,040 --> 00:57:39,632
French, as well.

1032
00:57:42,120 --> 00:57:43,712
Because, I'll tell you why.

1033
00:57:44,480 --> 00:57:45,879
Even though you didn't ask.

1034
00:57:47,240 --> 00:57:50,038
French at school,
the French you learned at school

1035
00:57:50,120 --> 00:57:53,237
is very different from the French
you actually use in France.

1036
00:57:53,720 --> 00:57:54,755
They never told you that.

1037
00:57:54,840 --> 00:57:56,990
French people tend not to
speak in chapters.

1038
00:57:57,120 --> 00:57:58,951
This is a problem.

1039
00:57:59,320 --> 00:58:01,197
You know, like,

1040
00:58:01,280 --> 00:58:04,238
I don't know if they still do the
cultural exchange trip

1041
00:58:04,320 --> 00:58:05,878
between Scotland and France.

1042
00:58:05,960 --> 00:58:07,359
Do they still do that at schools?.

1043
00:58:08,440 --> 00:58:10,954
That was when French kids
would come to Scotland

1044
00:58:11,040 --> 00:58:13,190
and talk politics with our family.

1045
00:58:13,280 --> 00:58:16,750
And we'd go to France
and stare at a French family for a week.

1046
00:58:21,640 --> 00:58:23,358
Some exchange that was, wasn't it?.

1047
00:58:23,440 --> 00:58:25,556
Just sitting there
in a dusty living room.

1048
00:58:34,080 --> 00:58:35,593
"Aye, bonjour, bonjour."'

1049
00:58:38,120 --> 00:58:40,588
Occasionally point at something.
Remember you did that?.

1050
00:58:40,680 --> 00:58:41,715
It was so embarrassing, wasn't it?.

1051
00:58:41,800 --> 00:58:44,268
"I've forgotten what that is,
but can I have a...

1052
00:58:44,360 --> 00:58:45,475
"Can I have that?.

1053
00:58:46,240 --> 00:58:49,869
"All right, can I have that?.
Can I eat that?.

1054
00:58:51,200 --> 00:58:53,236
"Biscuit. I think it's a...

1055
00:58:53,360 --> 00:58:55,874
"Can I have that?. Can I eat?.
Can I eat the biscuit?.

1056
00:58:58,640 --> 00:58:59,755
"Hungry.

1057
00:59:01,720 --> 00:59:02,869
"Famished.

1058
00:59:03,880 --> 00:59:05,871
"Can I eat that?. See that guy there?.

1059
00:59:05,960 --> 00:59:07,837
"He just walked over
and he had a biscuit.

1060
00:59:09,120 --> 00:59:10,838
"Can I

1061
00:59:14,040 --> 00:59:15,393
"have a biscuit?.

1062
00:59:16,880 --> 00:59:17,949
"No?.

1063
00:59:18,560 --> 00:59:19,675
"Pourquoi?.

1064
00:59:22,760 --> 00:59:23,829
"I'm hungry.

1065
00:59:24,720 --> 00:59:27,678
"I can't wait. It's 6:00. Six!

1066
00:59:28,040 --> 00:59:29,155
"Six. Six.

1067
00:59:29,240 --> 00:59:30,912
"In Scotland... Fucking...

1068
00:59:31,080 --> 00:59:32,399
(IMITATES BAGPIPE PLAYING)

1069
00:59:32,840 --> 00:59:33,909
"We eat at 6:00!

1070
00:59:34,000 --> 00:59:35,433
"You don't eat until neuff.

1071
00:59:35,520 --> 00:59:37,556
"We have a sleep in Scotland.
(IMITATES SNORING)

1072
00:59:37,640 --> 00:59:38,834
(IMITATES BAGPIPE PLAYING)

1073
00:59:40,080 --> 00:59:42,355
"Can I have a fucking biscuit, please?. "

1074
00:59:44,440 --> 00:59:45,793
It's not the same, though, is it?.

1075
00:59:45,880 --> 00:59:48,553
I was in Paris recently,
and I went into a hotel

1076
00:59:48,640 --> 00:59:52,315
because I thought to myself, "I'm going
to go and book a room in that hotel."'

1077
00:59:52,440 --> 00:59:54,954
I remember Chapter 1 4 of Allez FrAnce.

1078
00:59:56,760 --> 00:59:59,911
"At the Hotel."' I could do this, yeah?.

1079
01:00:00,160 --> 01:00:02,628
I'll walk in. I'll go, "Bonjour. "
He'll say, "Bonjour. "

1080
01:00:02,720 --> 01:00:05,871
I' ll say, "CA vA?. "
He' ll say, "CA vA, oui. Merci. "

1081
01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:09,397
"A vez-vous une chAmbre libre?. "

1082
01:00:09,480 --> 01:00:12,040
He' ll say, "Oui. "
I' ll say, "Tres bien!"

1083
01:00:14,240 --> 01:00:17,596
"Une chAmbre pour une personne
pour une nuit, "

1084
01:00:18,280 --> 01:00:19,918
"silver plate."'

1085
01:00:21,320 --> 01:00:23,834
Something like that.
It's not easy, though.

1086
01:00:23,920 --> 01:00:25,558
They don't speak in chapters.

1087
01:00:25,880 --> 01:00:28,474
I walked in, walked up to reception.

1088
01:00:28,560 --> 01:00:31,358
Ding! "Bonjour. "

1089
01:00:31,440 --> 01:00:33,829
And the guy went, "Eh?. "

1090
01:00:38,640 --> 01:00:42,155
I'll try that again there.
Ding! "Bonjour. "

1091
01:00:42,240 --> 01:00:44,071
"Oui. "

1092
01:00:44,160 --> 01:00:46,196
Not "oui. " "Bonjour, " "Bonjour. "

1093
01:00:46,280 --> 01:00:47,952
"CA vA?. " "CA vA, merci, et toi?. "

1094
01:00:48,040 --> 01:00:49,519
"Oui, cA vA. "
"A vez-vous des chAmbres libres?. "

1095
01:00:49,600 --> 01:00:51,875
"Did n't you d o Chapter 1 1
of Allez FrAnce?.

1096
01:00:51,960 --> 01:00:53,757
"It' s your book, pal."'

1097
01:00:56,160 --> 01:00:58,230
Because French at school, right?.

1098
01:00:58,520 --> 01:01:00,954
Remember that five-minute vocab test

1099
01:01:01,040 --> 01:01:02,393
where you had to come
to the front of the class

1100
01:01:02,480 --> 01:01:04,994
and act out a chapter from Allez FrAnce?.

1101
01:01:05,080 --> 01:01:08,675
And it was a five-minute test,
you'd go into pairs to do it.

1102
01:01:08,760 --> 01:01:10,193
I remember this one time,
the teacher said,

1103
01:01:10,280 --> 01:01:12,316
"Danny, Scott, I'd like you
to come to the front of the class,

1104
01:01:12,400 --> 01:01:15,358
"act out Chapter 1 7,
'In the grocery shop.""

1105
01:01:15,440 --> 01:01:19,149
He was the only kid in the class
shitter at French than me.

1106
01:01:19,240 --> 01:01:22,789
I was like, "Really, us two?. All right."'

1107
01:01:22,880 --> 01:01:27,271
But Scott did one of the funniest things
I ever remember a kid doing at school.

1108
01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:31,592
It was a five-minute test. I'm the
shopkeeper, Scott's the customer.

1109
01:01:32,360 --> 01:01:34,954
He walks into the
imaginary grocery shop,

1110
01:01:35,800 --> 01:01:38,837
and spends the first two minutes

1111
01:01:39,560 --> 01:01:41,073
just browsing.

1112
01:01:47,520 --> 01:01:50,398
Picking up imaginary fruit. "Ah!"

1113
01:01:56,520 --> 01:01:58,078
Two minutes gone of the five.

1114
01:01:58,160 --> 01:01:59,434
Teacher's like,
"I hope there's dialogue in this.

1115
01:01:59,520 --> 01:02:01,909
"This is all very entertaining,
but I hope there's dialogue in this."'

1116
01:02:02,000 --> 01:02:04,833
"Yeah, we're just
getting into the characters."'

1117
01:02:04,920 --> 01:02:06,239
So then, we'll go through
the pleasantries,

1118
01:02:06,320 --> 01:02:07,719
that'll take up another minute.

1119
01:02:07,800 --> 01:02:11,395
Scott says, "Bonjour. "
I'm the shopkeeper.

1120
01:02:23,600 --> 01:02:25,477
"Bonjour. "

1121
01:02:26,240 --> 01:02:28,117
Scott, "CA vA?. "

1122
01:02:28,960 --> 01:02:30,359
"Oui. "

1123
01:02:31,120 --> 01:02:32,758
"Et toi?. "

1124
01:02:33,600 --> 01:02:35,431
" Oui, aye."'

1125
01:02:37,400 --> 01:02:38,799
Now we were out.

1126
01:02:39,280 --> 01:02:41,794
But then Scott sudd enly
remembered that one phrase

1127
01:02:41,880 --> 01:02:43,757
you can put in any French scenario,

1128
01:02:43,840 --> 01:02:45,751
"Qu'est-ce que c'est?. " "What is it?. "

1129
01:02:45,840 --> 01:02:47,034
It fits anywhere, that.

1130
01:02:47,120 --> 01:02:49,111
He remembers it
in a flash of brilliance.

1131
01:02:49,200 --> 01:02:52,317
"Qu'est-ce que c'est?. Ah!"

1132
01:02:52,400 --> 01:02:54,755
I was like, "Oh, you little shit."'

1133
01:02:57,320 --> 01:02:59,311
You want to do this?. Fine, let's do it.

1134
01:02:59,400 --> 01:03:01,994
"That?. LA?. Is a

1135
01:03:02,560 --> 01:03:04,471
"une bAnAne. "

1136
01:03:04,720 --> 01:03:07,757
I always remembered "bAnAne"
because it sounded a bit like "banana."'

1137
01:03:07,840 --> 01:03:10,308
Scott goes, "Une bAnAne?. "

1138
01:03:13,520 --> 01:03:15,476
"Une bAnAne. "

1139
01:03:15,560 --> 01:03:17,755
Who the hell says that
in a conversation?.

1140
01:03:17,840 --> 01:03:20,877
"A banana."' "A banana?. " "A banana."'

1141
01:03:23,920 --> 01:03:26,434
But we're stringing it out here, right?.

1142
01:03:27,360 --> 01:03:30,079
So, now, the well is dry.

1143
01:03:30,160 --> 01:03:32,310
There's nothing more
to be had of this conversation.

1144
01:03:32,400 --> 01:03:35,153
There's still a minute left
on the clock, the game is up.

1145
01:03:35,360 --> 01:03:39,831
But not wanting to fail, Scott then
decides to slip in an English word,

1146
01:03:39,920 --> 01:03:41,797
in a French accent,

1147
01:03:43,200 --> 01:03:46,237
hoping the teacher will
somehow not notice this.

1148
01:03:46,600 --> 01:03:49,068
He said, "Je

1149
01:03:50,600 --> 01:03:52,511
"purchase

1150
01:03:55,680 --> 01:04:00,310
"un kilo of these bananzas."'

1151
01:04:01,440 --> 01:04:03,954
Then he totally lost it and went,

1152
01:04:04,560 --> 01:04:07,120
"Por ffAvore. "

1153
01:04:11,520 --> 01:04:12,953
"HAblo EspAnol?. "

1154
01:04:13,040 --> 01:04:15,679
"Oh, no, no.

1155
01:04:15,760 --> 01:04:18,832
"Je makez un mistakez."'

1156
01:04:20,800 --> 01:04:23,473
T eacher' s like, "You boys have not
learned this, go and sit down.

1157
01:04:23,560 --> 01:04:25,994
"You're wasting my time
and the rest of the class's."'

1158
01:04:26,080 --> 01:04:30,119
And Scott went, "Hang on,
I haven't got my fucking bananas yet."'

1159
01:04:30,200 --> 01:04:33,397
Went down between the tables and chairs,
high-fiving the kids,

1160
01:04:33,480 --> 01:04:36,153
"Je m'Appelle Scott,
tres bien, motherfuckers!"

1161
01:04:40,160 --> 01:04:41,229
Funny days.

1162
01:04:41,840 --> 01:04:42,955
Anyways.

1163
01:04:44,040 --> 01:04:45,678
Yes.

1164
01:04:45,760 --> 01:04:48,558
"Good heavens, it's you," right?.

1165
01:04:49,360 --> 01:04:52,238
This is what I've said to Matt Damon,
he's at my door

1166
01:04:52,680 --> 01:04:55,194
in this theatre in New York.

1167
01:04:55,880 --> 01:04:58,394
Matt Damon looks a little bit
scared at this point.

1168
01:04:59,000 --> 01:05:02,310
He said, "Yeah, it's me. I think
I've got the wrong dressing room."'

1169
01:05:02,400 --> 01:05:04,914
That was obvious, but I thought
I'd better explain who I am.

1170
01:05:06,080 --> 01:05:10,551
You know, he might just think I'm
some kind of confident cleaner.

1171
01:05:13,000 --> 01:05:15,912
I said, "My name's Danny Bhoy, I'm on
the show tonight. I'm doing the...

1172
01:05:16,000 --> 01:05:18,355
"The comedian...
The comedy spot at the end."'

1173
01:05:18,440 --> 01:05:20,670
He said, "Oh right, you're the comedian.
What's your name?. "

1174
01:05:20,760 --> 01:05:22,273
I said, "Danny Bhoy."'

1175
01:05:22,360 --> 01:05:24,396
And, quite understandably,
Matt Damon said,

1176
01:05:24,480 --> 01:05:27,677
"Look, I'm very sorry.
I've never seen you."'

1177
01:05:29,120 --> 01:05:31,429
And I said,

1178
01:05:32,200 --> 01:05:35,272
completely by accident, I was nervous,

1179
01:05:36,160 --> 01:05:40,950
"That's okay. I've never seen TitAnic."'

1180
01:05:41,320 --> 01:05:43,038
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1181
01:05:53,440 --> 01:05:56,193
Do you know when you know
you've said the wrong thing,

1182
01:05:56,280 --> 01:05:58,396
but you can't correct
yourself immediately,

1183
01:05:58,480 --> 01:06:01,278
so you just think he didn't notice.

1184
01:06:01,720 --> 01:06:03,995
I just went, "Yeah.

1185
01:06:05,360 --> 01:06:07,430
"That will be all."'

1186
01:06:08,560 --> 01:06:12,872
And I was sitting away from him now,
thinking, "He's going to go."'

1187
01:06:12,960 --> 01:06:15,554
But I didn't feel his presence leave.

1188
01:06:16,720 --> 01:06:19,359
And I just was like,
"Come on, now, leave.

1189
01:06:19,440 --> 01:06:22,512
"That's ridiculous, we both know
I've said the wrong thing.

1190
01:06:22,600 --> 01:06:25,273
"You're never going to see me again,
so just get out of here."'

1191
01:06:25,360 --> 01:06:27,590
And I heard this, "Excuse me."'

1192
01:06:27,680 --> 01:06:29,671
I was like, "Oh for fu...

1193
01:06:29,760 --> 01:06:31,796
"Ah, yes."'

1194
01:06:31,880 --> 01:06:35,031
The word "TitAnic"
was still echoing around the room.

1195
01:06:36,240 --> 01:06:39,073
He said, "That wasn't me
that was in TitAnic.

1196
01:06:39,360 --> 01:06:41,316
"You do know that, don't you?. "

1197
01:06:41,400 --> 01:06:42,913
And I just went,

1198
01:06:43,800 --> 01:06:44,915
"Yep."'

1199
01:06:46,560 --> 01:06:48,516
And then... "Just leave it, Danny."'

1200
01:06:48,600 --> 01:06:50,955
I decided to defend
myself at that point.

1201
01:06:51,040 --> 01:06:54,112
This is what I said, I said, "Oh!

1202
01:06:54,200 --> 01:06:56,760
"I was just saying

1203
01:06:57,960 --> 01:07:01,032
"I've never seen TitAnic.

1204
01:07:03,040 --> 01:07:09,309
"Is there any films you haven't seen,
Mr Damon?. "

1205
01:07:10,440 --> 01:07:13,876
And he walked out muttering the words,
"What a dick."'

1206
01:07:17,920 --> 01:07:20,753
But the point is, I had a great
time in America and I loved it.

1207
01:07:20,840 --> 01:07:22,512
I mean, I would not
change it for the world.

1208
01:07:22,600 --> 01:07:24,830
I met some great people.

1209
01:07:24,920 --> 01:07:27,798
Just a word of advice
to my Australian friends,

1210
01:07:27,880 --> 01:07:29,359
to my American friends.

1211
01:07:29,440 --> 01:07:31,715
First of all, welcome to Edinburgh.

1212
01:07:32,000 --> 01:07:33,035
(WOMAN WHOOPS)

1213
01:07:33,120 --> 01:07:35,031
But don't stay here.

1214
01:07:35,680 --> 01:07:37,989
No, I don't... Well, I mean... Sorry.

1215
01:07:38,080 --> 01:07:40,116
I mean, don't just stay here.

1216
01:07:40,200 --> 01:07:41,918
Go and see other parts of Scotland.

1217
01:07:42,000 --> 01:07:45,197
Because you miss out.
So many Americans say to me,

1218
01:07:45,280 --> 01:07:48,317
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
"We went to Edinboro. In Scotch Land."'

1219
01:07:48,760 --> 01:07:49,875
(IN NORMAL VOICE) And it's a shame,

1220
01:07:49,960 --> 01:07:51,359
because there's
so many nice parts in Scotland

1221
01:07:51,440 --> 01:07:52,873
that so many tourists don't see.

1222
01:07:52,960 --> 01:07:57,397
But if you find yourself
in a remote part of Scotland

1223
01:07:58,160 --> 01:08:01,675
in a pub in the evening,

1224
01:08:02,440 --> 01:08:05,750
enjoying wonderful scenery,
the peace and tranquillity,

1225
01:08:05,840 --> 01:08:10,038
and enjoying our unique hospitality.
You're there in front of a roaring fire,

1226
01:08:10,120 --> 01:08:11,792
enjoying a pint.

1227
01:08:12,560 --> 01:08:17,759
If the pub unexpectedly suddenly
starts filling up with people,

1228
01:08:18,560 --> 01:08:20,915
all in traditional Scottish attire,

1229
01:08:21,000 --> 01:08:23,150
and you're not quite sure
what's going on.

1230
01:08:23,800 --> 01:08:26,553
If at that point, you hear this noise,

1231
01:08:26,760 --> 01:08:28,273
(ACCORDION PLAYING)

1232
01:08:28,600 --> 01:08:29,874
get out.

1233
01:08:29,960 --> 01:08:31,313
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1234
01:08:31,760 --> 01:08:33,512
Get the hell out of there.

1235
01:08:34,120 --> 01:08:36,076
Please, get out.

1236
01:08:36,160 --> 01:08:41,757
For your own good, get out. It's not
safe for you to be there any more.

1237
01:08:41,840 --> 01:08:45,594
The situation has changed,
and not to your advantage.

1238
01:08:46,320 --> 01:08:49,756
Because that is the start of a
Scottish ceilidh,

1239
01:08:49,840 --> 01:08:52,638
and if you don't know what you're doing,
you're going to get hurt.

1240
01:08:53,760 --> 01:08:57,389
It's essentially a cross
between a dance and a fight.

1241
01:09:00,320 --> 01:09:01,799
Listen to it again, here we go.

1242
01:09:01,920 --> 01:09:03,239
(ACCORDION PLAYING)

1243
01:09:03,640 --> 01:09:05,596
That's your cue,
you've only got a few seconds.

1244
01:09:06,160 --> 01:09:08,833
Don't fuck about.
Leave your possessions.

1245
01:09:08,920 --> 01:09:10,990
Leave the old,
they'll only slow you down.

1246
01:09:11,080 --> 01:09:13,833
Just get to a door, a window.
Jump out of a window.

1247
01:09:13,920 --> 01:09:15,399
It doesn't matter.

1248
01:09:15,480 --> 01:09:17,436
You need to get out of there,

1249
01:09:17,520 --> 01:09:20,671
because if you don't, and people in the
room will know what I'm talking about,

1250
01:09:20,760 --> 01:09:23,718
because we all remember our first time,

1251
01:09:23,800 --> 01:09:26,633
you'll find you're
making your way to the exit,

1252
01:09:26,720 --> 01:09:29,518
thinking, "Oh, there must be
some kind of function going on here."'

1253
01:09:30,640 --> 01:09:33,473
And you don't make it
to the door in time.

1254
01:09:34,440 --> 01:09:39,230
A stranger, a complete stranger,
will grab this arm,

1255
01:09:39,520 --> 01:09:42,751
and turn it into a
strange, linking formation.

1256
01:09:42,840 --> 01:09:44,910
"Oh, I must've forgotten something."'

1257
01:09:46,200 --> 01:09:49,636
And then another stranger
will grab this arm,

1258
01:09:49,720 --> 01:09:53,474
both with enough alcohol in them
to kill an entire race.

1259
01:09:54,960 --> 01:09:57,394
And you'll find yourself getting dragged

1260
01:09:57,480 --> 01:10:01,109
back into the room
you were attempting to leave.

1261
01:10:01,200 --> 01:10:05,716
You'll look behind you and you'll see
people starting a strange formation.

1262
01:10:06,520 --> 01:10:10,229
That is in preparation
for a group beating.

1263
01:10:12,640 --> 01:10:16,394
And you'll get dragged into that group
and you'll get kicked and punched

1264
01:10:16,480 --> 01:10:18,914
for however long that song lasts for.

1265
01:10:19,000 --> 01:10:22,072
And they last forever.

1266
01:10:24,760 --> 01:10:26,990
And you're not even able
to hear your own screams.

1267
01:10:27,080 --> 01:10:29,310
Because all you hear over the top
is this, don't you?.

1268
01:10:29,400 --> 01:10:30,719
(CEILIDH MUSIC PLAYING)

1269
01:10:30,960 --> 01:10:33,918
And you get 'round. You go 'round,
you go 'round, you go 'round.

1270
01:10:34,000 --> 01:10:37,436
"Shit! There's a sword. Wait a minute.
Slow it down, slow it down!

1271
01:10:37,520 --> 01:10:39,795
"I don't like this.
I've got fucking asthma.

1272
01:10:39,880 --> 01:10:42,348
"Hey, that's my knee! That was my knee!

1273
01:10:42,440 --> 01:10:45,273
"I don't like this at all. Ah!
That's my head, watch my head."'

1274
01:10:45,360 --> 01:10:48,716
And then go around and round
and round and round.

1275
01:10:48,800 --> 01:10:51,155
"Can I stop now?. Oh, fuck again?. Really?.

1276
01:10:51,240 --> 01:10:54,869
"Ah, fuck it. Eight times?. Eight!"

1277
01:10:55,000 --> 01:10:58,231
You know, there's always one person
that knows the dance,

1278
01:10:58,320 --> 01:11:00,709
and starts screaming at
everyone else that doesn't know it.

1279
01:11:00,800 --> 01:11:04,634
Do you know that guy?.
"One, two, five, six, seven, eight.

1280
01:11:04,720 --> 01:11:06,153
"Keep going, keep going.

1281
01:11:06,240 --> 01:11:08,674
"Will the next couple,
the next couple, come down.

1282
01:11:08,760 --> 01:11:11,320
"The next couple,
it's got to be a boy and a girl!

1283
01:11:11,400 --> 01:11:13,550
"It's got... It can't be two blokes!

1284
01:11:13,640 --> 01:11:15,278
"Boy, girl, come down.

1285
01:11:15,360 --> 01:11:17,430
"Stay there! You, stay there!

1286
01:11:17,520 --> 01:11:19,750
"You... Keep going, it's eight!

1287
01:11:19,840 --> 01:11:21,796
"Eight! Five, six, seven...

1288
01:11:21,880 --> 01:11:26,431
"Clapping! Everyone, clapping.
For God's sake.

1289
01:11:26,720 --> 01:11:28,472
"Heel, toe, heel, toe.

1290
01:11:28,560 --> 01:11:30,118
"'Round, round, round."'

1291
01:11:30,520 --> 01:11:32,875
And then they lose it and go,
"No, everyone,

1292
01:11:32,960 --> 01:11:35,997
"watch me. Watch me!

1293
01:11:36,320 --> 01:11:37,514
"Stay there!

1294
01:11:37,920 --> 01:11:39,558
"Five, six, seven, eight.

1295
01:11:39,640 --> 01:11:42,677
"And clapping,
and the next couple, come down!"

1296
01:11:46,000 --> 01:11:47,353
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1297
01:11:51,560 --> 01:11:53,551
This is the... You know,

1298
01:11:54,000 --> 01:11:56,195
this is The DAshing White SergeAnt,
right?.

1299
01:11:56,880 --> 01:11:59,394
And this is unique because you always...

1300
01:11:59,480 --> 01:12:01,710
You know, you do, like, eight people.

1301
01:12:02,040 --> 01:12:05,157
But you always lose track
and you do one too many turns.

1302
01:12:05,680 --> 01:12:08,240
And you've got to kind of
incorporate it into the dance.

1303
01:12:08,320 --> 01:12:11,835
You go, like, "There's someone there,
someone there, someone there.

1304
01:12:11,960 --> 01:12:13,791
"Fuck, no one there. Shit.

1305
01:12:14,880 --> 01:12:18,156
"Aye, I meant to do that.
No, I did, I meant to do that.

1306
01:12:18,240 --> 01:12:20,037
"That's all right. It's fine."'

1307
01:12:22,440 --> 01:12:25,876
That's me. Thank you very much.

1308
01:12:26,040 --> 01:12:27,234
- (PANTING)
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1309
01:12:27,320 --> 01:12:28,833
So...

1310
01:12:30,880 --> 01:12:32,074
(LAUGHS)

1311
01:12:35,960 --> 01:12:39,509
You have been warned!
You have all been warned.

1312
01:12:40,360 --> 01:12:42,510
Ladies and gentlemen,

1313
01:12:43,960 --> 01:12:45,029
(WHOOPS)

1314
01:12:46,240 --> 01:12:47,389
(EXHALES)

1315
01:12:47,520 --> 01:12:49,112
thank you so much
for coming out tonight.

1316
01:12:49,200 --> 01:12:50,918
You've been a fantastic crowd,
I've really enjoyed it.

1317
01:12:51,000 --> 01:12:55,790
And listen, I'm recording this for...
I'm recording this for a DVD.

1318
01:12:56,680 --> 01:13:00,036
So, it was the only choice
when someone said,

1319
01:13:00,120 --> 01:13:01,394
"Where do you want to record your DVD?. "

1320
01:13:01,480 --> 01:13:02,629
I said, "It's got to be Edinburgh,

1321
01:13:02,720 --> 01:13:04,278
"because they're the best
crowd in the world."'

1322
01:13:04,360 --> 01:13:06,157
(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

1323
01:13:10,080 --> 01:13:14,437
And in particular, in particular,

1324
01:13:14,520 --> 01:13:17,239
well, balls out, you've been fantastic.

1325
01:13:17,400 --> 01:13:19,595
Thank you so much for coming.
I'll see you all again sometime.

1326
01:13:19,680 --> 01:13:21,875
Good night, take care.
Thank you very much.

1327
01:13:28,600 --> 01:13:29,999
Thank you.

1328
01:13:30,840 --> 01:13:32,353
You've been great. Thank you very much.

1329
01:13:33,280 --> 01:13:34,349
(WHOOPS)

1330
01:13:36,360 --> 01:13:38,112
Thank you, Edinburgh.

1331
01:13:42,000 --> 01:13:43,956
(CEILIDH MUSIC PLAYING)

1332
01:13:44,305 --> 01:14:44,318
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