1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 3 00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:11,720 I grew up skateboarding. 4 00:00:13,931 --> 00:00:17,351 Yeah, I still skate. It's weird, though, because I'm in my 30s. 5 00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:22,648 It's weird because I'll just be, at a skate spot under a bridge for hours, 6 00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:24,482 and I'll just look around 7 00:00:24,483 --> 00:00:27,527 and realize that I'm just hanging out with a bunch 8 00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,071 of 14-year-old boys. 9 00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:34,743 Just me and a bunch of young boy-- usually shirtless young boys. 10 00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:36,327 Ready? 11 00:00:36,328 --> 00:00:39,414 These skater boys will always film each other landing tricks and shit. 12 00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:43,042 Sometimes they'll have me film them doing tricks. 13 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:46,630 To be honest, my camera roll, chock full of 14-year-old boys. 14 00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:51,842 Choppin' broccoli, choppin' brocc-- 15 00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:55,179 I noticed that skater boys have this thing that they do whenever they get hurt, 16 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:56,472 like, they won't admit to it. 17 00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:58,891 Like, they could have blood pouring down their face, 18 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,518 and their buddy will come up to them and be like, 19 00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:03,187 "Oh, my God, dude, what happened, man? Are you okay?" 20 00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:07,317 And they'll be like, "I'm totally fine. I just had the sudden urge to go inside." 21 00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:12,697 Like, it's okay, pal. You could admit you're hurt, man. 22 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,199 Hey, hey. 23 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:18,369 I was lucky as a kid, you know? I wasn't too good at skating. 24 00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:20,955 And at one point, we hit hard times. 25 00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:23,457 And then every time I'd go skate, my mom would be like, 26 00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:26,545 "Please don't get hurt today. We don't have insurance." 27 00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:30,673 But I like that, 28 00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:33,384 because my buddies would be like, "Today, you got to drop in 29 00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:35,929 from the tallest half-pipe at the skate park." 30 00:01:36,888 --> 00:01:40,601 And I'd be like, "I wish I could, man, but sadly, I don't have insurance." 31 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,647 Pretty cool, pretty cool. 32 00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:03,832 Let's do it. 33 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:26,897 Oh, tonight, under these lights I will try 34 00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:36,323 Too old for angst And this stupid little twinkle in my eye 35 00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:42,286 Oh, desperation 36 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:47,167 For approval masked as A willingness to entertain 37 00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:51,755 I feel insane, I feel so lame 38 00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:57,134 And when the going gets tough Well, I lose all integrity 39 00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:58,261 Tonight 40 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:01,222 Under these lights 41 00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:05,477 And I got this stupid little twinkle In my eye 42 00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:08,229 Yes, I will try 43 00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:11,566 For you, I will 44 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,446 I will try very hard 45 00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:20,826 I will try very hard 46 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:25,455 I will try very hard 47 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:29,793 For you, I will try very hard 48 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:33,379 Always. Oh! 49 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:39,885 Trying will remain criminal subliminal Thoughts, creep in my brain 50 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:44,181 If it's quiet do an impression Of Sir Michael Caine 51 00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:48,018 People, Master Wayne Just wanna watch the world burn 52 00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:50,063 Just wanna watch the world burn 53 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:55,109 Oh! My ex told me I'm cooler when I'm sick 54 00:03:55,110 --> 00:04:00,741 And I feel so diseased I can't help it, I wanna scream 55 00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:03,493 I wanna scream! 56 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:08,998 We can't crush the caveat Can't crush the caveat 57 00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:15,796 When I chew gum I put the whole bag in my mouth at once 58 00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:19,884 Or else I can't taste it When I play with kids 59 00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:24,430 I often commit too hard to the bit 60 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:30,353 And freak them the fuck out 61 00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:34,565 Because I try 62 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:39,028 I try very hard for you 63 00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:43,742 I try very hard always 64 00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,869 Oh! When I was young 65 00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:51,540 I talked like Tom Green For one entire year. 66 00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:55,419 While my parents were both in rehab 67 00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:58,088 I guess I do my best 68 00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:02,927 You never really deal with things That are real 69 00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:06,765 My ex told me, I'm cooler when I'm sick 70 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,906 Give it up for my band, y'all. 71 00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:35,084 We all grew up in Alabama together. 72 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,836 We've known each other pretty much our whole lives. 73 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,339 That's my best friend Jeramy right there. 74 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,593 That's my best friend, Clay, right there. 75 00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:47,264 And this is my best friend, Budd, right here. 76 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:52,852 Actually, Budd did not grow up in Alabama. We did not grow up with him. 77 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,981 He's from California. He's a coastal elitist. 78 00:05:57,774 --> 00:06:02,361 I've only known this man for 18 years. He's basically a fucking stranger to me, 79 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,573 and I don't know what he's doing on stage tonight. 80 00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:08,200 I consider you one of my closest friends. 81 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:09,828 - It hurts. - Fuck you. 82 00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:12,706 - I hate you. - All right. 83 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:18,086 And everybody, let him hear it. My big brother, Johnny. 84 00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:26,094 He's huge. He's huge. Look at him. He's huge. 85 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:34,728 Man, I really, really want to be cool. 86 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,939 Like I do everything in my power to be cool, man. 87 00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:42,234 I try to buy the right clothes and listen to the right music. 88 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,030 It'd be so cool to just be like the coolest guy ever. 89 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,868 The coolest type of guy there is, is an LOL guy. 90 00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:53,078 I don't know if y'all know this style of guy. 91 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,705 An LOL guy is a guy to where you 92 00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:58,084 like text him the funniest thing you've ever seen in your whole life. 93 00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:01,087 And then six weeks later... 94 00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:05,884 he responds, "LOL." 95 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:10,972 Which is sort of the same thing as going, "I don't care if you live or die." 96 00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,767 That's a cool guy. 97 00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:17,645 That's the kind of guy I want to be, man, but that ain't me, man. 98 00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:20,064 You text me something that's actually funny, 99 00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,066 I won't say "LOL," I'll already be 100 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,277 on your doorstep and you'll just hear me outside going... 101 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,828 Because some people just want to watch the world burn. 102 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:42,336 That's the second time I've done an impression 103 00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:43,880 of Michael Caine tonight. 104 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:49,427 I don't know. I don't care if it's hacky. It's really funny to do that. 105 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:52,888 Really, I just think it's funny that, 106 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:55,933 you know, that's a quote from The Dark Knight, 107 00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:58,185 and that's one of the biggest movies ever made, 108 00:07:58,186 --> 00:07:59,728 directed by Christopher Nolan, 109 00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:02,606 who's one of the most powerful directors there is, 110 00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:06,444 and he didn't have it in him to say to Michael Caine, 111 00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:11,699 "Hey, Michael Caine, I was wondering if maybe you could redo that line, 112 00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:15,077 because we wanted to use it in the trailer, 113 00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:17,205 and nobody knows what the fuck you're saying." 114 00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:21,334 And then all that Michael Caine could muster was... 115 00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:28,258 All right, I guess I'll just live with that. 116 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:35,598 I think it's pretty clear that I'm really good at impressions. 117 00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:41,562 I can basically do an impression of anybody. 118 00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:44,231 All I gotta do is get your first name and what you do for a living, 119 00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:46,275 and I'll do a perfect impression of you. 120 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:48,903 So, I'd like to do that tonight, if that's okay. 121 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:54,033 Would it be okay if I did an impression of you? Okay. 122 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:57,911 All I gotta do is just get your first name and what you do for a living. 123 00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:59,496 I'll do a perfect impression. 124 00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:01,373 I'm Ian, and I'm a writer. 125 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,043 My name's Ian, I'm a writer. 126 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,632 Sorry, Ian, you sound annoying, man. 127 00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:15,847 I think it's pretty clear that I was raised by addicts. 128 00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:22,853 But that's okay, that's okay. Sadly, my mom drank herself to death. 129 00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:27,775 But, you know, I figured I'm gonna name my first kid in her honor. 130 00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:30,570 Yeah, I'm gonna name my first kid Al-Anon. 131 00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:36,659 - Can I talk to you over here? - Yeah. 132 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,955 - That wasn't good, right? - Yeah. 133 00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:44,875 - We could do better? - Yeah. Yeah, I'll do better. 134 00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:46,252 - Let's do that. - All right. Okay. 135 00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:55,053 All right, from here on out, I'm gonna do a better job. 136 00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:58,806 Now, you go one way or the other when you're raised by an addict. 137 00:09:58,807 --> 00:09:59,973 You either become a cool, 138 00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:03,895 impenetrable mystery, or you become a squeaky little dumbass. 139 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,565 And I'll let y'all decide which one of those I am. 140 00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:13,029 This is my impression of a... 141 00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:18,158 of, like, a serious folk musician whose harmonica is just 142 00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:20,328 a little too far away from him. 143 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:26,209 Actually, I don't got to do it. I just explained it pretty good. 144 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:42,100 In my mind, I'm a pretty cool guy With an ass for a chin and fuck me eyes 145 00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:48,148 Who'd win a race if I gave a shit But I don't feel like it 146 00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:55,947 I'm never lonely when I'm alone Livin' in my minimal postmodern home 147 00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:59,658 My famous friends let me cut in line 148 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:03,955 I'm a, I'm a, I'm a pretty cool guy All right now! 149 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:14,299 Watching Buffalo '66 150 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:18,177 Dressin' like River Phoenix 151 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:24,684 Kerouac and Wim Wenders Times Square, David Byrne 152 00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:28,854 And do the dead really die If they still piss you off? 153 00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:32,316 I wrote the book on how to get lost 154 00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:38,864 And I ain't afraid to get a little dark Like The Panic in Needle Park 155 00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:43,327 But I'm a bright little star When I'm in my room 156 00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:46,538 A butterfly baby in a cocoon 157 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:50,250 And I don't care, but I'll still ask you 158 00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:54,672 I do, I do, I do as they do! 159 00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:04,473 Am I eccentric or just a dick? 160 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:08,727 Ripping cigs and talking shit Into the wild blue 161 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,897 You gotta be a fool to fool the fool 162 00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:16,360 Who's thinking that they are fooling you 163 00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:19,196 In my mind you want me back 164 00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:22,909 'Cause I'm the only one Who can make you laugh 165 00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:26,411 I'll hate your art Till you compliment mine 166 00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:30,541 I'm a, I'm a, I'm a pretty cool guy That's right, hey 167 00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:37,924 Take it, Clay! 168 00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:50,060 Lately I realize, I tell when I'm blue 169 00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:53,397 There's nothin' in the past I'd want to undo 170 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:57,402 You didn't break my heart Baby, I don't miss you 171 00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:02,824 It's true, it's true, it's true It's true, it's true 172 00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:11,873 I've always, like, wanted to be something, you know? 173 00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:14,584 Like, when I was a little kid, I was in Christmas choir, 174 00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:16,336 and I would stand on the edge of the risers, 175 00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:21,633 and we'd get to the end of the show, and we'd go, "Sleep in heavenly peace." 176 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:26,055 Then I'd hop off the edge of the risers and go, "And many more." 177 00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:30,017 The teacher would be like, "What the hell?" 178 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:32,145 And I'd be like, "I want to be the star." 179 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:37,274 Because I was so jealous of kids who did get to be the star. 180 00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:39,484 Like, I remember the first time my mom, 181 00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:43,364 she, like, showed me a music video of the band Hanson. 182 00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:48,536 And I remember just sitting there going, "I want those fucking kids dead, Ma. 183 00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:51,705 I want them fucking dead, Ma. 184 00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:55,460 I want them dead. I want them to die violently, Ma." 185 00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,213 But the truth is, I was just jealous of them. 186 00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,632 Because they're really cool-looking kids, 187 00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:05,803 and they can all sing like California Raisins. And... 188 00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:11,601 And, I wanted to be like that. You know? I wanted to be that way. 189 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:16,439 Johnny has a son named Ronin. He's a great dad. 190 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:24,696 He's got a son who's-- he's a kid, you know, he's in elementary school. 191 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:26,990 And he's a cool kid, 192 00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:30,786 you know, but I worry sometimes that he's like me, 193 00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:33,330 how I was when I was a kid, you know? 194 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:36,709 And so every time I go back to Alabama and I look at him, 195 00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:39,586 I look at him kind of like how Forrest Gump 196 00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:41,923 looks at his son at the end of the movie. 197 00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:44,509 You know, when he's like... 198 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,518 "Is he like me?" 199 00:14:57,313 --> 00:15:00,066 And Jenny's like, "No, he's fucking normal." 200 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,986 Weird part of the movie, weird turn. 201 00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:08,990 I don't think he's gonna be like me, you know, because he can, 202 00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:11,535 like, speak up in a way that I never could, 203 00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:13,328 because I wanted everybody to like me. 204 00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:16,623 Like, we were at our grandfather's 98th birthday party, 205 00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:19,793 and a bunch of old fuckers were singing happy birthday to him. 206 00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,672 And Ronin comes up to me and Johnny, and he goes... 207 00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:25,383 "I'm bored." 208 00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:33,558 And then he slowly pointed at everyone. He goes, "Everyone here is bored." 209 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:43,151 And when I was like five years old, Johnny had his birthday party at Benihana. 210 00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:45,694 And he didn't want me to go. 211 00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:47,737 He was in middle school and he wanted all of his 212 00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:49,489 like middle school friends to go. 213 00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:52,159 And it was weird for a five-year-old to go, you know, 214 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,580 because they probably wanted to like practice cussing or whatever. 215 00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:58,165 Can't do that with a five-- And that's true. 216 00:15:58,166 --> 00:15:59,958 Middle school kids, they got to practice cussing. 217 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,627 They don't know how to do it right yet. 218 00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:05,464 It's true, go listen to a bunch of middle school kids talk. 219 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,717 Their cusses don't quite add up yet. 220 00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:11,511 They'll be like, "Dude, if my mom doesn't let me spend the night tonight, 221 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,806 I'm gonna burp in a cup and shove it in her pussy." 222 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:17,602 I've heard someone say it. 223 00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:22,063 I have. No, they wanted to be doing that. They didn't want me there, 224 00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:23,273 but my dad was like, 225 00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:24,858 "Dude, just let your little brother go, man." 226 00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:27,861 So, I get to go, and I'm sitting there across from my brother 227 00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:30,197 and all of his cool buddies, and, you know, 228 00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:31,866 they're just kind of looking at me like... 229 00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:34,993 while the chef is grilling up a bunch of shit. 230 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,370 And the chef notices that I'm the odd man out. 231 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,540 And the chef kind of looks at me and he's like... 232 00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,250 Like... 233 00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,962 Shref grills up a shrimp and he pops that sucker into my mouth. 234 00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:46,756 I catch it with ease like that. 235 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,926 And my brother and all of his buddies look at me like, 236 00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,220 "That's the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life." 237 00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:57,516 And I'm like, "I'm in. Chef, keep them coming. 238 00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,268 Let's go, man." Chef just keeps on grilling up shrimp 239 00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:02,062 and popping those bad boys into my mouth. 240 00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:04,064 I'm catching them left and right. 241 00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:08,653 And with every shrimp, my brother loved me just a little bit more. 242 00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,948 And I remember after, like, the tenth or 11th shrimp, 243 00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:16,869 my dad saying to the chef, "Hey, man, cool it with the shrimp, pal." 244 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:21,415 And I was like, "No, no, one more, Chef, one more. One more." 245 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:26,836 The chef grills up a shrimp, he pops it into my mouth, I catch it like that, 246 00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,422 start chewing it up, try to swallow, I can't, 247 00:17:29,423 --> 00:17:33,678 I throw up all over the table, and it starts cooking my throw up. 248 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,598 And it smelled bad. 249 00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:41,643 I ruined my big brother's birthday that night, 250 00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:43,563 because I wanted him to love me. 251 00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:49,442 Couldn't tell that chef to stop, because he was doing a really, 252 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:50,695 really good job. 253 00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,572 I still can't tell people to stop. 254 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,865 Like, every time I've ever gotten a massage, 255 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:57,618 it's too hard and I'm cold. 256 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,080 You ain't gonna hear nothing out of me. 257 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,125 You know, after that whole situation, 258 00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:07,669 me and my big brother became best friends, you know? 259 00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:12,341 And Johnny, he hit a rough patch, I'd say. A rough patch. 260 00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,302 You know, in, like, eighth grade, maybe, 261 00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:19,640 where he sort of stopped communicating and just started barking all the time. 262 00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:23,518 And my mom and dad were, like, concerned, and they, like, 263 00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,770 took him to get, like, tested and shit, 264 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:29,566 because he was barking probably a year straight. 265 00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:34,238 I'd say six words a day. Other than that, it was a bark. 266 00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:40,660 So, they take him to, like, a bunch of different people to get tested 267 00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:43,913 for Tourette's and autism and all this different shit. 268 00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:47,292 And then eventually they just take him to a true blue therapist. 269 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:51,463 And the therapist is like, "Johnny, just tell me, why do you bark?" 270 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:55,843 And he goes, "Because it makes my little brother laugh really hard." 271 00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:03,100 That's what kind of man this guy is right here. 272 00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,735 That's a good friend right there. 273 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:18,240 You know who's a fucking really bad friend? Buffalo wings. 274 00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:22,161 Come with me on this. 275 00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:26,916 Buffalo wings is a terrible friend, all right? 276 00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:30,794 Here's how I know. Because pizza, they're killing it. 277 00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:34,297 It's way back in the '80s or whenever pizza was invented. 278 00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:36,676 Pizza's killing it, all right? 279 00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:41,513 Pizza's getting eaten at restaurants. It's getting delivered. 280 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,556 And pizza's, like, talking to the other pizzas, going, 281 00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:45,517 "You know what? We're kind of killing it, guys. 282 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:48,144 And I'd like to be able to help someone else out right now 283 00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:49,604 because of all of our success. 284 00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:52,816 We have the time. We have the money. Let's help someone." 285 00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:55,568 And then another pizza's like, "Yeah, yeah, you know who I really like? 286 00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:58,114 I'm a huge fan of Buffalo wings." 287 00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:02,325 So, pizza tosses Buffalo wings onto the menu. 288 00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:05,078 And now every time you get pizza, 289 00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:07,205 no matter if it's in a restaurant or delivered, 290 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,708 you always have the option for Buffalo wings. 291 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:14,255 And then Buffalo wings starts popping off, building a huge fan base. 292 00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:20,260 They're getting so big, they might have to go out on their own, 293 00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:22,178 start their own thing, you know? 294 00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:25,057 Buffalo wing goes, they start their own restaurant. 295 00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:28,018 But who do they have for a side? 296 00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:32,815 They sure as hell don't have pizza, I'll tell you that much. 297 00:20:33,524 --> 00:20:37,153 Pizza is nowhere to be found at a Buffalo wing restaurant. 298 00:20:40,948 --> 00:20:43,117 Who does Buffalo wings bring along? 299 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,120 Fucking French fries. 300 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,039 You son of a bitch. 301 00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:52,877 Not only is Buffalo wings a bad friend, 302 00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:58,090 Buffalo wings is also a fucking idiot. Because guess what, Buffalo wings? 303 00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:03,429 French fries is not your friend. French fries is burgers' friend. 304 00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:19,403 All right, thanks for walking... walking with me there. 305 00:21:23,324 --> 00:21:25,992 We were so lucky, you know, like we've known each other 306 00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:30,246 for so long and we really haven't ever made new friends 307 00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:33,334 other than this little strange fucker right there. 308 00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:36,837 - I love you. - How-- 309 00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:42,801 We never made new friends. 310 00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:45,386 We would try, we would sort of vet new friends. 311 00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:46,805 Maybe some of y'all have done this. 312 00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:50,601 You ever like hang out with a new friend who says toot instead of fart? 313 00:21:54,772 --> 00:21:56,272 It's like, "Buddy, you're on strike two 314 00:21:56,273 --> 00:21:59,026 after holding your nose when you jumped into the pool." 315 00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:06,659 When Jeramy first moved to L.A., I let him live in my car. 316 00:22:11,872 --> 00:22:13,748 Well, he lived in my apartment for a second, 317 00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:17,378 then he got in trouble with my landlord, so I had to let him live in my car. 318 00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:20,338 And it was nice, he would get off work 319 00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,883 and go find wherever my car was parked and he'd go to sleep. 320 00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:25,386 It was pretty nice. 321 00:22:26,387 --> 00:22:29,472 But one night, I had a girl over, and around 5:00 a.m., 322 00:22:29,473 --> 00:22:33,018 I had to take her home. And we're driving, driving, driving. 323 00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:37,106 And then in the rearview mirror, she just saw... 324 00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:42,361 She lets out a blood-curdling scream. 325 00:22:42,945 --> 00:22:46,824 And then I had to go, "It's okay! He just lives in my car!" 326 00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,872 So, me and Johnny lived in Birmingham. 327 00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:58,251 And then when I was ten years old, we moved down to Gulf Shores, Alabama, 328 00:22:58,252 --> 00:23:01,379 which is like a little beach trash town 329 00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:02,881 on the Gulf of Mexico. 330 00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:06,009 Jeramy was actually the first friend I ever met down there. 331 00:23:06,010 --> 00:23:08,469 And, you know, I'm walking on the beach, 332 00:23:08,470 --> 00:23:11,514 I'm 11 years old, and I see Jeramy digging through an ashtray 333 00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:14,183 to try to find a cigarette that hadn't been smoked too much, 334 00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:16,145 so he could get a couple of drags. 335 00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:21,065 And I go, "What's up, dude?" And he goes, "What's up, man?" 336 00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:24,903 "My name Jeramy, and that teenage girl over there is Sally, 337 00:23:24,904 --> 00:23:29,575 and her boyfriend is Nick. And Sally lets Nick do anal." 338 00:23:34,288 --> 00:23:36,040 And I was like, "What's Dewanul?" 339 00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:41,211 I went home, and I was like, "Johnny, what's Dewanul?" 340 00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:49,177 Anyway, I'm just saying all that to say you grow up fast as hell 341 00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:51,763 whenever you grow up in a beach trash town. 342 00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:53,807 You grow up real quick, okay? 343 00:23:55,684 --> 00:23:57,144 All that talk about cigarette. 344 00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:02,524 Jeramy, pop me a cig, man. Toss me a cig, dawg. 345 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:05,361 Thanks. 346 00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:11,909 You got a lighter? 347 00:24:14,328 --> 00:24:15,329 Come on, Jer. 348 00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:17,456 Come on, man. 349 00:24:18,332 --> 00:24:19,333 Fuck it. 350 00:24:28,050 --> 00:24:30,886 Get real buzzed off that. I like that. 351 00:24:32,763 --> 00:24:33,973 I like that buzz. 352 00:24:37,184 --> 00:24:38,978 When I was a teen 353 00:24:40,854 --> 00:24:43,232 I took my girl to the beach 354 00:24:45,401 --> 00:24:50,863 And we kissed under a blanket As the sun went down 355 00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:52,199 Give me something, brother 356 00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:56,537 She sucked on my neck 357 00:24:58,288 --> 00:25:00,624 And I touched her breasts 358 00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:07,798 Then her hand crawled up My Billabong board shorts 359 00:25:08,841 --> 00:25:11,217 Or maybe they were Volcom 360 00:25:11,218 --> 00:25:15,847 This is the best night of my life 361 00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:20,143 I said she tickled my inner thigh 362 00:25:20,144 --> 00:25:24,856 I said, "You're wild" 363 00:25:24,857 --> 00:25:28,651 She said, "I haven't even started yet" 364 00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:31,780 She began to graze 365 00:25:33,407 --> 00:25:36,744 My shaft and balls and taint 366 00:25:37,494 --> 00:25:42,207 And I immediately came 367 00:25:46,628 --> 00:25:51,049 I looked her in her pretty eyes 368 00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:55,970 And profusely apologized 369 00:25:55,971 --> 00:25:59,558 She said, "For what? Why?" 370 00:25:59,683 --> 00:26:04,103 At that moment I realized 371 00:26:04,104 --> 00:26:08,733 That I could see both of her hands 372 00:26:08,734 --> 00:26:12,945 I lifted up the blanket and I ran 373 00:26:12,946 --> 00:26:18,118 The tiniest little sand crab 374 00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:25,958 A crab covered in my cum 375 00:26:25,959 --> 00:26:41,391 Crab covered in cum Crab covered in my cum 376 00:26:48,732 --> 00:26:50,359 You had a lighter the whole time? 377 00:26:52,945 --> 00:26:56,323 Oh, man. That was a girl crab, by the way. 378 00:26:58,075 --> 00:27:00,451 - How do you know? - What? 379 00:27:00,452 --> 00:27:01,744 How do you know? 380 00:27:01,745 --> 00:27:03,539 Because she was wearing a string bikini. 381 00:27:05,499 --> 00:27:07,084 I'm a beta male. 382 00:27:09,002 --> 00:27:12,713 I'm a beta male through and through, man. I wish I was an alpha male. 383 00:27:12,714 --> 00:27:17,010 That'd be great, like a big old guy. Like a... I don't know. 384 00:27:17,761 --> 00:27:19,846 Driving his truck around with an energy drink, 385 00:27:19,847 --> 00:27:22,558 just going like, "Hubba-hubba," or whatever. 386 00:27:25,727 --> 00:27:29,022 "Hubba-hubba." You know, alpha male stuff. 387 00:27:29,648 --> 00:27:30,774 That'd be so cool. 388 00:27:32,067 --> 00:27:33,901 By the way, every time I see an alpha male, 389 00:27:33,902 --> 00:27:36,988 like, drinking one of them big ol' Monster energy drinks, 390 00:27:36,989 --> 00:27:39,074 I'm like, "Aw, he's sleepy." 391 00:27:41,577 --> 00:27:42,703 That's sweet. 392 00:27:43,954 --> 00:27:46,957 Beta male, beta male, I'm a beta male through and through. 393 00:27:47,958 --> 00:27:50,751 And the most beta move of all time, 394 00:27:50,752 --> 00:27:54,506 the other night I had a wet dream where I was jacking off. 395 00:27:58,969 --> 00:28:01,554 I wasn't hooking up with Carmen Electra, nothing like-- 396 00:28:01,555 --> 00:28:03,515 I wasn't even hooking up with a crab. 397 00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:10,105 I was just jacking off to completion in my dark little room. 398 00:28:13,192 --> 00:28:16,945 I'm not a smart guy, but I have a lot of thoughts. 399 00:28:21,783 --> 00:28:23,284 I think I get it from my dad. 400 00:28:23,285 --> 00:28:26,872 Like, my dad is very emotionally intelligent, you know? 401 00:28:27,372 --> 00:28:30,751 But, you know, he suffers a little bit in the brain game. 402 00:28:31,627 --> 00:28:33,461 Like, when I was a super little kid, 403 00:28:33,462 --> 00:28:35,963 I remember he took me to see the movie Toy Story, 404 00:28:35,964 --> 00:28:38,633 and I remember about ten minutes into the movie, 405 00:28:38,634 --> 00:28:43,055 my dad saying to himself, he goes, "Oh, this is a cartoon." 406 00:28:46,475 --> 00:28:49,853 It took him ten minutes. Ten minutes! 407 00:28:51,396 --> 00:28:53,606 I asked him about it recently, and he was like, 408 00:28:53,607 --> 00:28:55,566 "Of course I remember that, dude!" 409 00:28:55,567 --> 00:28:58,237 "I had never seen anything like that before!" 410 00:28:58,820 --> 00:29:03,366 "I knew the toys was clearly a cartoon, but at first, 411 00:29:03,367 --> 00:29:06,411 all you see is the human legs, and they look real!" 412 00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:16,713 One time, my dad, for Christmas, got me a Neil Diamond Greatest Hits CD. 413 00:29:17,464 --> 00:29:20,424 And he goes, "Dude, I just thought, man, 414 00:29:20,425 --> 00:29:23,803 I remember last Christmas you were talking about Neil Diamond, 415 00:29:23,804 --> 00:29:25,972 and so I figured I'd get you the Greatest Hits CD." 416 00:29:25,973 --> 00:29:27,139 And I was like, "I don't know, 417 00:29:27,140 --> 00:29:28,933 maybe I was talking about him last Christmas 418 00:29:28,934 --> 00:29:32,729 because last Christmas you got me the Neil Diamond Greatest Hits CD." 419 00:29:36,149 --> 00:29:37,233 You can't fault him on-- 420 00:29:37,234 --> 00:29:39,694 You know, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, 421 00:29:39,695 --> 00:29:41,320 though, because a long time ago, 422 00:29:41,321 --> 00:29:45,117 I went to see that movie Curious Case of Benjamin Button, 423 00:29:46,118 --> 00:29:47,368 but I accidentally walked 424 00:29:47,369 --> 00:29:50,330 into the Harvey Milk movie starring Sean Penn. 425 00:29:51,456 --> 00:29:53,916 It took me 45 minutes before I was like, 426 00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:56,295 "I don't think that old baby's showing up." 427 00:29:58,130 --> 00:29:59,631 Stupid as hell. 428 00:30:00,257 --> 00:30:02,091 It is cool, though, being from Alabama. 429 00:30:02,092 --> 00:30:05,636 Like, when you think about superheroes, you know, 430 00:30:05,637 --> 00:30:09,640 like New York has Spider-Man, Detroit has Robocop, 431 00:30:09,641 --> 00:30:13,644 L.A. has Iron Man, but Alabama has the best superhero of all. 432 00:30:13,645 --> 00:30:15,022 We've got Forrest Gump. 433 00:30:16,606 --> 00:30:20,026 A lot of people don't think of him as super, but he's definitely super. 434 00:30:20,027 --> 00:30:23,112 His powers are he can run really fast, 435 00:30:23,113 --> 00:30:28,327 and he can affect history in charming and sometimes heartwarming ways. 436 00:30:29,244 --> 00:30:32,455 People don't think about that. They don't think about that. 437 00:30:32,456 --> 00:30:34,290 When I was a little kid, I wanted to get bit 438 00:30:34,291 --> 00:30:37,919 by a radioactive hillbilly so that I'd become Forrest Gump one day. 439 00:30:42,007 --> 00:30:43,008 What's up? 440 00:30:45,344 --> 00:30:46,845 You got something for me, Jer? 441 00:30:49,473 --> 00:30:51,016 You have a thought too? 442 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:54,936 All right, Jeramy writes... 443 00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:59,191 "Not all seafood comes from the sea." 444 00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,947 "They should call seafood water food." 445 00:31:13,330 --> 00:31:14,498 That's pretty good. 446 00:31:16,291 --> 00:31:18,668 No, no, no, I ain't bright, I ain't bright. 447 00:31:19,252 --> 00:31:22,755 The first time I ever got condoms when I was 15 years old, 448 00:31:22,756 --> 00:31:24,591 I bought a 48-pack. 449 00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:30,429 Do you know how depressing it is the day you graduate high school 450 00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:33,225 to throw away 47 condoms? 451 00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:35,352 You don't feel good. 452 00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:39,021 We'd get into trouble a lot as kids, 453 00:31:39,022 --> 00:31:41,608 and I think it's because we all had slow Wi-Fi. 454 00:31:43,110 --> 00:31:44,193 I'd be like, 455 00:31:44,194 --> 00:31:47,739 shit, it's gonna take eight hours for Road Trip to download. 456 00:31:48,448 --> 00:31:50,992 Guess I'll go cut my neighbor's bike in half. 457 00:31:54,371 --> 00:31:57,957 I'm pretty sure the only reason our mom tried to order a year's supply 458 00:31:57,958 --> 00:32:02,628 of OxyContin off of OxyContin.com is because she was waiting 459 00:32:02,629 --> 00:32:05,048 for "Soak Up the Sun" by Sheryl Crow to download. 460 00:32:09,177 --> 00:32:13,389 I can't take cops seriously because I grew up in a small town 461 00:32:13,390 --> 00:32:15,599 and our town was so small 462 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:20,730 that specific cops would pull my mom over just to ask her out on a date. 463 00:32:21,773 --> 00:32:24,692 And now every time I see the lights flashing behind me, 464 00:32:24,693 --> 00:32:26,652 I get pulled over and then he walks up to my car, 465 00:32:26,653 --> 00:32:30,657 I'm like, "Ah, shit, another gay cop's about to ask me out." 466 00:32:35,078 --> 00:32:37,288 No, because our parents were always kind of fucking around 467 00:32:37,289 --> 00:32:40,166 doing their own thing, we could just do whatever we want. 468 00:32:40,167 --> 00:32:43,837 Like, we would ride our bikes around town doing Stranger Things kids shit. 469 00:32:45,297 --> 00:32:48,841 Actually, I don't know why I use them as a reference. That's not true at all. 470 00:32:48,842 --> 00:32:52,970 If the amount of things that happened to those Stranger Things kids in one day 471 00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:56,140 happened to me over the course of my entire life, 472 00:32:56,141 --> 00:32:58,393 I would fucking kill myself. 473 00:33:00,604 --> 00:33:04,523 What's that, Mike? We gotta go save Eleven, 474 00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:06,902 because the Upside Down world's coming back? 475 00:33:07,944 --> 00:33:10,905 No, Mike, I'm not gonna hop on my bike and help. 476 00:33:10,906 --> 00:33:14,075 I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna fucking kill myself. 477 00:33:14,784 --> 00:33:19,414 Because it ain't getting any easier, Mike. They're just gonna keep on coming, Mike. 478 00:33:21,416 --> 00:33:23,918 There should be one final episode of that show 479 00:33:23,919 --> 00:33:27,422 where all those kids go to their parents' gun closet... 480 00:33:28,548 --> 00:33:32,176 they grab their fucking gun, they put it in their mouth, 481 00:33:32,177 --> 00:33:34,179 and they pull the fucking trigger. 482 00:33:34,971 --> 00:33:40,101 And that final episode should justifiably be called "Normal Things." 483 00:33:44,689 --> 00:33:46,650 You all support child suicide. 484 00:33:48,568 --> 00:33:52,738 Cool. Alabama has, like, a lot of serious shit they wanna say, 485 00:33:52,739 --> 00:33:56,326 but they can't say it in a way to where it's not funny. 486 00:33:57,285 --> 00:34:02,541 Like, no joke, the pro-life signs in our hometown are written in Comic Sans. 487 00:34:07,337 --> 00:34:10,840 They want to make a statement, but they're just a little bit too silly. 488 00:34:12,425 --> 00:34:13,426 That's all. 489 00:34:14,469 --> 00:34:17,054 We had a lot of tourists coming to our town. 490 00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:20,933 And one of the main things they would do is look for sand crabs on the beach 491 00:34:20,934 --> 00:34:22,184 at night with flashlights. 492 00:34:22,185 --> 00:34:25,396 It was usually like a family, you know, on the shore looking for sand crabs. 493 00:34:25,397 --> 00:34:26,480 They'd walk up and down. 494 00:34:26,481 --> 00:34:31,735 And Clay came up with this idea for us to take turns just like at night, 495 00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:34,947 just sort of like laying face down in the shore 496 00:34:34,948 --> 00:34:38,535 and just kind of washing up as they approached. 497 00:34:39,828 --> 00:34:42,955 That way, it was usually, like, a dad and a couple kids, you know. 498 00:34:42,956 --> 00:34:45,165 They would be walking up to us, and then, you know, 499 00:34:45,166 --> 00:34:47,251 they would shine a flashlight on... 500 00:34:47,252 --> 00:34:49,754 They would shine a flashlight onto a dead child. 501 00:34:51,047 --> 00:34:53,799 And you could hear outside the water the dad go, 502 00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:55,635 "Kids, go back to the condo." 503 00:34:57,012 --> 00:34:59,847 They would run off, and then eventually the dad would touch you, 504 00:34:59,848 --> 00:35:02,976 and as soon as the dad touched you, you'd go... and run. 505 00:35:04,019 --> 00:35:07,272 It was awesome. It was really, really funny. 506 00:35:08,815 --> 00:35:11,860 But now I'm getting older and I think about it and I regret it. 507 00:35:13,069 --> 00:35:15,488 I fully, completely regret doing that, 508 00:35:15,989 --> 00:35:20,576 because those kids have lived their entire life. 509 00:35:20,577 --> 00:35:22,411 You know, now they're 30 years old, 510 00:35:22,412 --> 00:35:25,331 and they've lived their whole lives telling their friends, 511 00:35:25,332 --> 00:35:29,377 "No, yeah, when we were kids, we discovered a dead child in the shore. 512 00:35:30,128 --> 00:35:33,464 We ran back to the condo, completely traumatized, 513 00:35:33,465 --> 00:35:35,132 and our dad, being a nice dad, 514 00:35:35,133 --> 00:35:39,763 tried to calm us down by saying, 'Don't worry, it was just a prank.'" 515 00:35:42,515 --> 00:35:43,558 I totally regret it. 516 00:35:44,392 --> 00:35:48,855 It's all right. I regret a lot of shit. Every day, I regret doing this right now. 517 00:35:49,606 --> 00:35:53,067 I think it's good to be consumed with regret 518 00:35:53,068 --> 00:35:55,027 at every waking moment. It's good. 519 00:35:55,028 --> 00:35:57,863 It shows you got some self-awareness, all right? 520 00:35:57,864 --> 00:36:00,240 Every time I've ever met somebody who says, 521 00:36:00,241 --> 00:36:03,787 "No regrets," it's the worst person I've ever met in my life. 522 00:36:05,330 --> 00:36:10,125 There should be a room at every party 523 00:36:10,126 --> 00:36:15,089 Where you can just sit and watch a movie 524 00:36:15,090 --> 00:36:20,095 But I make a fool of myself The moment I open my mouth 525 00:36:20,261 --> 00:36:26,059 If I could kick my own ass I'd knock myself out 526 00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:29,771 One, two, three, four. 527 00:36:36,111 --> 00:36:41,031 You know you're in a rut When you only think about the past 528 00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:45,411 Romanticize the days When you were too broke for a therapist 529 00:36:45,412 --> 00:36:49,957 I wanna be too jaded to be sentimental 530 00:36:49,958 --> 00:36:55,004 Self-referential or existential 531 00:36:59,634 --> 00:37:04,680 People who say no regrets Have most likely done some fucked up shit 532 00:37:04,681 --> 00:37:08,476 Most likely, likely 533 00:37:10,437 --> 00:37:15,607 Imposter syndrome's a bitch Man, when you move in a new direction 534 00:37:15,608 --> 00:37:19,695 Everyone can dance With nobody paying attention 535 00:37:19,696 --> 00:37:24,616 Ain't meant for introspection Just wanna roll around in dirt 536 00:37:24,617 --> 00:37:33,668 Doc don't make me do no work Look what you did you little jerk 537 00:37:36,004 --> 00:37:41,133 People who say no regrets Have most likely done some fucked up shit 538 00:37:41,134 --> 00:37:47,389 Most likely, likely I like doing impressions 539 00:37:47,390 --> 00:37:49,683 I forgot the sound of my voice 540 00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:54,438 Every email I've ever sent Ends with exclamation points 541 00:37:54,439 --> 00:37:58,776 I'm hardcore ashamed Wide-eyed and adoring 542 00:37:58,777 --> 00:38:03,490 Been a full 15 minutes Since I said I'm sorry 543 00:38:07,076 --> 00:38:08,161 All right, Johnny! 544 00:38:23,092 --> 00:38:24,093 Fuck! 545 00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:31,475 People who say no regrets Have most likely done some fucked up shit 546 00:38:31,476 --> 00:38:35,646 Most likely, likely 547 00:38:35,647 --> 00:38:40,527 People who say no regrets Have most likely done some fucked up shit 548 00:38:40,652 --> 00:38:44,823 Most likely, likely 549 00:38:46,199 --> 00:38:51,537 I got an ocean of shame The wisdom of a puppy 550 00:38:51,538 --> 00:38:56,626 Dog paddling against the waves Looking happy go lucky 551 00:39:04,384 --> 00:39:08,929 Good show everybody, I'm Cornholio, I need toilet paper for my asshole. 552 00:39:08,930 --> 00:39:10,889 How's everybody doing out there tonight? 553 00:39:10,890 --> 00:39:14,477 Just need some toilet paper for my asshole. ‘Cause I am Cornholio. 554 00:39:15,728 --> 00:39:18,605 I try to think of what, like, made me who I am. 555 00:39:18,606 --> 00:39:20,566 I've been trying to figure that out forever, 556 00:39:20,567 --> 00:39:24,320 and I think I kind of whittled it down to one night of my life, 557 00:39:24,863 --> 00:39:27,656 which was when we had just moved to this new town, 558 00:39:27,657 --> 00:39:30,450 Gulf Shores, right? I didn't know nobody yet. 559 00:39:30,451 --> 00:39:32,703 My dad had left. I was really sad. 560 00:39:32,704 --> 00:39:36,165 And my mom had gotten into some trouble, and so she had to quit drinking. 561 00:39:36,833 --> 00:39:39,793 And that night, I was really sad, and my mom was trying to put me to bed, 562 00:39:39,794 --> 00:39:41,628 and she would do this thing whenever I was sad, 563 00:39:41,629 --> 00:39:43,046 where she would trace my back, 564 00:39:43,047 --> 00:39:45,465 and she would say this little thing where she'd go, 565 00:39:45,466 --> 00:39:51,805 "X marks the spot with a dot, dot, dot, and a dash, dash, dash, 566 00:39:51,806 --> 00:39:54,434 and a great big question mark. 567 00:39:54,976 --> 00:40:01,106 Chills go up, chills go down, chills go all around. 568 00:40:01,107 --> 00:40:02,191 Give a breeze. 569 00:40:03,151 --> 00:40:04,526 And a squeeze." 570 00:40:04,527 --> 00:40:07,196 And right when she said squeeze, she had a seizure. 571 00:40:10,241 --> 00:40:13,744 And she fell on top of me and started seizing up. 572 00:40:13,745 --> 00:40:15,496 And then she bit her tongue off. 573 00:40:17,999 --> 00:40:19,416 Because she was going into withdrawals, 574 00:40:19,417 --> 00:40:21,084 and then she fell onto the ground, kept seizing up. 575 00:40:21,085 --> 00:40:22,419 I thought she was dying. 576 00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:26,173 But after a little while, she came to, and she just, like, looked up at me, 577 00:40:26,174 --> 00:40:28,468 and she was like, "What happened?" 578 00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:33,097 And I was like, "Can't I just have one moment?" 579 00:40:37,060 --> 00:40:39,937 Well, no, then I called my grandparents, and my grandparents came and got her, 580 00:40:39,938 --> 00:40:42,148 and then they just left me and Johnny there. 581 00:40:43,483 --> 00:40:47,236 And yeah, that was it. I remember just sitting in my blood bed... 582 00:40:49,322 --> 00:40:55,827 thinking, well, this is what Blink-182 was talking about whenever they sang, 583 00:40:55,828 --> 00:40:57,789 "I guess this is growing up." 584 00:40:58,623 --> 00:41:00,291 That's this. 585 00:41:02,585 --> 00:41:05,003 I kind of knew that whatever my mom was going through 586 00:41:05,004 --> 00:41:08,298 was way worse than whatever I was going to end up going through. 587 00:41:08,299 --> 00:41:11,468 So I didn't ever wanna be a problem or an obligation. 588 00:41:11,469 --> 00:41:14,347 If anything, I wanted to be a distraction for her. 589 00:41:15,098 --> 00:41:19,226 But she was gone for a while, and me and Johnny just ended up, 590 00:41:19,227 --> 00:41:21,436 you know, living with different random family members 591 00:41:21,437 --> 00:41:23,982 or sleeping on these guys' couches. 592 00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:26,692 It was weird. 593 00:41:26,693 --> 00:41:31,989 It was kind of like living like a storm was gonna break over you at any time, 594 00:41:31,990 --> 00:41:34,408 and you just had to be ready to pick up and move. 595 00:41:34,409 --> 00:41:37,327 And it didn't help because there's real storms where we're from. 596 00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:38,913 There's hurricanes. 597 00:41:40,123 --> 00:41:42,624 So it's kind of like a double whammy, you know? 598 00:41:42,625 --> 00:41:44,376 But I'd always find a silver lining, 599 00:41:44,377 --> 00:41:47,713 like... like, a lot of people don't know this, 600 00:41:47,714 --> 00:41:50,340 but after hurricanes, something cool happens, 601 00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:52,343 which is that you get hurricane treasure. 602 00:41:54,012 --> 00:41:57,640 Like this one time, I got the whole Waffle House sign in my front yard. 603 00:41:58,349 --> 00:42:01,268 I slapped that puppy on my roof. I was like, "Y'all gotta come over. 604 00:42:01,269 --> 00:42:03,604 It's just like going to a real Waffle House." 605 00:42:05,356 --> 00:42:06,815 It was great, man. 606 00:42:06,816 --> 00:42:08,900 We were all going through some kind of hell as kids, 607 00:42:08,901 --> 00:42:10,694 and we didn't really have to talk about it. 608 00:42:10,695 --> 00:42:14,781 You know, these are my best friends. We just kind of understood each other. 609 00:42:14,782 --> 00:42:16,533 And why would we talk about it? 610 00:42:16,534 --> 00:42:20,747 Why would we ruin our Saturday of shooting Roman candles at a port-a-potty? 611 00:42:21,581 --> 00:42:23,248 Oh, shit! 612 00:42:23,249 --> 00:42:24,541 We could sense it, you know? 613 00:42:24,542 --> 00:42:27,962 Clay could sense something was going on with me, and he'd be like, 614 00:42:28,087 --> 00:42:31,715 "Dude, guess what, man? I figured out how to steal chicken tenders 615 00:42:31,716 --> 00:42:33,425 out the trash behind a Walmart." 616 00:42:33,426 --> 00:42:36,762 And then we would go do that, and all of our problems would be solved. 617 00:42:36,763 --> 00:42:39,057 I'm so lucky to have these guys. 618 00:42:45,104 --> 00:42:48,857 There's this interview with Jake Phelps, the editor of Thrasher magazine. 619 00:42:48,858 --> 00:42:52,861 He's describing a group of skaters in San Francisco bombing a hill 620 00:42:52,862 --> 00:42:56,199 into the fog as "a terminal crew of dudes." 621 00:42:58,409 --> 00:43:00,035 Which I think is so poetic, you know? 622 00:43:00,036 --> 00:43:02,662 And I look at my friends up here tonight like that, 623 00:43:02,663 --> 00:43:04,373 my terminal crew of dudes. 624 00:43:05,166 --> 00:43:09,337 We've grown up together, which is a trip. We've gotten to grow up together. 625 00:43:10,254 --> 00:43:11,421 Especially with Jeramy. 626 00:43:11,422 --> 00:43:14,967 Jeramy's literally addicted to getting run over by cars. 627 00:43:17,303 --> 00:43:18,554 But we made it, man. 628 00:43:19,889 --> 00:43:23,351 We're gonna be all right. My terminal crew. 629 00:43:24,143 --> 00:43:26,895 Except we're not bombing a hill into the fog or anything. 630 00:43:26,896 --> 00:43:29,564 We're just, like, skating something low-impact 631 00:43:29,565 --> 00:43:32,068 under a bridge with a bunch of shirtless boys. 632 00:43:36,072 --> 00:43:39,074 Up until recently, I kind of let my parents' decisions 633 00:43:39,075 --> 00:43:42,245 dictate pretty much everything I've ever done, you know? 634 00:43:43,371 --> 00:43:47,207 I kind of thought for the longest time that I was a product of them, 635 00:43:47,208 --> 00:43:49,709 but in reality, I'm a product of my friends, 636 00:43:49,710 --> 00:43:52,255 and I've felt so taken care of because of them. 637 00:43:53,923 --> 00:43:59,469 You know, like... I never drank or anything because I was scared 638 00:43:59,470 --> 00:44:01,472 after seeing whatever happened to my mom. 639 00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:04,892 But I feel like I really know who I am now, and... 640 00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:12,275 I'm here to say tonight to all you folks that I started drinking. 641 00:44:18,698 --> 00:44:19,699 It's awesome. 642 00:44:21,826 --> 00:44:22,827 Yeah. 643 00:44:23,661 --> 00:44:24,871 It's really cool. 644 00:44:25,663 --> 00:44:28,082 I'm hoping I get addicted to something this year. 645 00:44:29,041 --> 00:44:30,126 You just wait. 646 00:44:45,224 --> 00:44:47,727 Kids, you're still young 647 00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:52,356 On the sand in the sun 648 00:44:54,483 --> 00:44:58,654 Carving a castle and piling it high 649 00:44:59,739 --> 00:45:04,535 Digging a moat to keep away the bad guys 650 00:45:07,747 --> 00:45:10,041 One day your grief will be 651 00:45:13,169 --> 00:45:15,630 Like a blanket you carry 652 00:45:17,548 --> 00:45:21,886 A star you are gonna wish upon 653 00:45:22,887 --> 00:45:26,724 A feeling you are gonna bury 654 00:45:30,645 --> 00:45:35,024 And the deflector of heaviness Is your cool little outfit 655 00:45:35,691 --> 00:45:40,154 It's a pair of shit-kicking boots And a leather jacket 656 00:45:40,404 --> 00:45:45,576 Why are you still wearing Your mom's rhinestone belt? 657 00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:51,040 It's the best day of your life Or the worst that you ever felt 658 00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:58,631 And in times of uncertainty There's nothing you're above 659 00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:03,927 You only criticize the work Of everyone you're jealous of 660 00:46:03,928 --> 00:46:08,849 And you long for the calamity That you hope to forget 661 00:46:09,183 --> 00:46:12,353 So caught up in a daydream You'll never see 662 00:46:13,729 --> 00:46:15,022 You're living it 663 00:46:20,194 --> 00:46:22,655 Old Buzz and Junebug 664 00:46:24,657 --> 00:46:26,993 Are you still having fun? 665 00:46:28,577 --> 00:46:32,957 A shell for a window With a view of the sea 666 00:46:33,541 --> 00:46:37,420 A stage to tap dance for infinity 667 00:46:40,548 --> 00:46:45,720 Looks like you wasted all your time Trying to make something profound 668 00:46:46,262 --> 00:46:51,016 And you watched your ball Ping the goal post out of bounds 669 00:46:51,017 --> 00:46:56,022 All them things you won't try In fear of wanting too much 670 00:46:56,647 --> 00:47:01,360 You blew away all your eyelashes Trying to shake your shit low 671 00:47:03,863 --> 00:47:09,160 And you mythologize the place Where you come from 672 00:47:09,368 --> 00:47:14,040 You impersonate the people That you hope to become 673 00:47:14,957 --> 00:47:19,211 But don't you go acting Like no one's got your back 674 00:47:19,754 --> 00:47:22,298 Your brother's barking at ya 675 00:47:24,133 --> 00:47:26,218 Trying to make you laugh 676 00:47:30,681 --> 00:47:33,184 And so the tide will come 677 00:47:35,269 --> 00:47:37,396 There's no golden one 678 00:47:39,023 --> 00:47:43,486 Your castle will crumble And your shoulders will fry 679 00:47:46,614 --> 00:47:51,994 You see, man You ain't gotta try so hard all the time 680 00:48:02,421 --> 00:48:05,257 So dip them toes into the shore 681 00:48:07,343 --> 00:48:09,762 Sunscreen stinging your eyes 682 00:48:13,099 --> 00:48:15,893 And wrap your cast in a garbage bag 683 00:48:17,728 --> 00:48:20,147 Float into the horizon 684 00:48:24,193 --> 00:48:26,153 You will feel 685 00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:33,994 You will feel most lost On the road you know by heart 686 00:48:34,495 --> 00:48:36,705 But ain't it fun 687 00:48:37,957 --> 00:48:41,127 Ain't it fun to build sandcastles 688 00:48:44,630 --> 00:48:48,717 Just to tear them 689 00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:51,720 Apart? 690 00:49:01,981 --> 00:49:02,982 Oh, shit. 691 00:49:03,941 --> 00:49:07,902 I forgot, okay, this is a weird... So when I walked in here, 692 00:49:07,903 --> 00:49:09,530 somebody handed me a letter. 693 00:49:12,491 --> 00:49:14,869 This is weird, but I'm just gonna read it. 694 00:49:15,786 --> 00:49:17,704 Someone handed me this right when I walked in, 695 00:49:17,705 --> 00:49:19,914 which I thought was strange, but here we go. 696 00:49:19,915 --> 00:49:24,919 "Dear Whit, I'm also from down south, and I just wanted to say 697 00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:28,466 that your comedy has inspired me to try comedy myself. 698 00:49:33,429 --> 00:49:35,723 I grew up with an alcoholic mom too. 699 00:49:36,515 --> 00:49:40,895 Yeah. She passed away five years ago." 700 00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:42,521 Fucking hell. 701 00:49:43,189 --> 00:49:44,814 "Watching your stand-up has helped me 702 00:49:44,815 --> 00:49:47,568 get through one of the most difficult times in my life. 703 00:49:49,737 --> 00:49:51,863 I know it's probably lame, but I wrote a joke 704 00:49:51,864 --> 00:49:54,909 that I wanted you to hear because you inspire me so much." 705 00:49:56,535 --> 00:49:57,536 Okay. 706 00:49:58,287 --> 00:50:02,374 "Why do girls always carry around these big-ass water bottles? 707 00:50:04,460 --> 00:50:08,464 The water bottles are getting bigger, folks, and the girls are loving them. 708 00:50:11,550 --> 00:50:15,971 Basically, these bitches are carrying around a bathtub with a straw in it. 709 00:50:20,184 --> 00:50:24,563 You'd think these filthy bitches would have biceps bigger than The Rock. 710 00:50:26,524 --> 00:50:29,860 Open your own damn pickle jar, you hog bitch. 711 00:50:32,530 --> 00:50:35,491 Thanks for inspiring me to do comedy." 712 00:50:44,124 --> 00:50:45,417 Okay. 713 00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:55,343 After my mom got out of rehab, it was one of the best times of my whole life. 714 00:50:55,344 --> 00:50:58,429 By then, I had gone to school, I had met my friends, 715 00:50:58,430 --> 00:51:01,724 and it was my birthday, and so my mom let me have my friends over 716 00:51:01,725 --> 00:51:04,143 to watch movies for my birthday party. 717 00:51:04,144 --> 00:51:06,479 And we're all sitting there watching movies with my mom, 718 00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:07,939 and then she goes to sleep. 719 00:51:07,940 --> 00:51:11,359 As soon as my mom closes her bedroom door, 720 00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:15,614 Jeramy goes, "Dude, we should go to the Spice Channel." 721 00:51:16,657 --> 00:51:18,492 For those of y'all who don't know... 722 00:51:20,995 --> 00:51:22,079 Jeramy. 723 00:51:23,622 --> 00:51:24,706 For those of y'all who don't know, 724 00:51:24,707 --> 00:51:28,085 the Spice Channel is like the porn channel, Channel 59. 725 00:51:29,003 --> 00:51:30,086 You gotta rent it. 726 00:51:30,087 --> 00:51:32,213 And I was like, "Dude, there's nothing ever on the Spice Channel. 727 00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:33,840 It just comes in fuzzy." 728 00:51:33,841 --> 00:51:36,593 And he goes, "Go to the Spice Channel, please! 729 00:51:36,594 --> 00:51:41,890 Please, God, please! I need this! I need Spice!" 730 00:51:44,143 --> 00:51:45,935 He needed Spice, I don't know. 731 00:51:45,936 --> 00:51:48,522 - Spice is nice. - Spice is nice. 732 00:51:50,107 --> 00:51:53,234 So I agree. Fine. I go to the Spice Channel. 733 00:51:53,235 --> 00:51:56,154 And on this day, my 11th birthday, 734 00:51:56,155 --> 00:51:59,325 the Spice Channel is coming in clear as day. 735 00:52:00,075 --> 00:52:03,536 No joke. And it's just the porn of a bunch of women going down 736 00:52:03,537 --> 00:52:04,997 on each other in an alleyway. 737 00:52:05,914 --> 00:52:10,793 Pretty cool. So me and all my buddies do the thing that little kids do 738 00:52:10,794 --> 00:52:12,921 when something good happens, which is this. 739 00:52:17,926 --> 00:52:20,638 Looking good, fellas. We still got it. 740 00:52:23,682 --> 00:52:26,517 We're all doing that, and I do the good friend thing, 741 00:52:26,518 --> 00:52:29,228 which is I go to the hall closet, and I grab a bunch of blankets, 742 00:52:29,229 --> 00:52:32,023 and I go, "Here's your blanket to jack off under, 743 00:52:32,024 --> 00:52:36,403 and you get a blanket to jack off under. Here's your blanket." Johnny wasn't there. 744 00:52:37,696 --> 00:52:39,572 Johnny was probably driving around in his van 745 00:52:39,573 --> 00:52:41,742 with his girlfriend listening to Deftones. 746 00:52:43,952 --> 00:52:48,332 Anyway, so all my fellas are so excited, they can't wait to jack off. 747 00:52:48,916 --> 00:52:52,251 I distinctly remember hearing the loudest un-Velcroing 748 00:52:52,252 --> 00:52:53,962 of board shorts you've ever heard. 749 00:52:54,588 --> 00:52:55,589 Just... 750 00:52:59,677 --> 00:53:01,761 They're all raring to go, and I go, "Hold up, fellas. 751 00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:03,846 Before we all start jacking off together, 752 00:53:03,847 --> 00:53:05,848 I gotta make sure my mom's asleep, 753 00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:08,142 because I don't want her walking in here 754 00:53:08,143 --> 00:53:11,562 while we're all jacking off together on my 11th birthday. 755 00:53:11,563 --> 00:53:13,190 That might be weird for her." 756 00:53:16,777 --> 00:53:18,361 So I go to my mom's door. 757 00:53:18,362 --> 00:53:20,655 They're all sitting just like this, all right? 758 00:53:20,656 --> 00:53:21,739 That's them. 759 00:53:21,740 --> 00:53:24,784 And my mom's door's about here. The TV's here. I go in. 760 00:53:24,785 --> 00:53:27,787 I kind of creak the door open real quiet, and I peek in there, 761 00:53:27,788 --> 00:53:28,913 and I look around. 762 00:53:28,914 --> 00:53:32,458 And I look to the left, and I see that just, like, 763 00:53:32,459 --> 00:53:35,838 there's a flickering of the TV, and I'm like, "Okay, interesting." 764 00:53:36,338 --> 00:53:41,968 I dip my head in there a little further, and I see on my mom's TV is the porn 765 00:53:41,969 --> 00:53:44,847 of all the women going down on each other in the alley. 766 00:53:51,729 --> 00:53:52,730 "What the heck?" 767 00:54:01,655 --> 00:54:06,409 And I thought to myself, "Okay, well, maybe my mom fell asleep, 768 00:54:06,410 --> 00:54:09,203 and then she rolled onto the remote, and then she went to there, 769 00:54:09,204 --> 00:54:11,164 and then she accidentally rolled onto her phone, 770 00:54:11,165 --> 00:54:15,042 and then she slept-talked her credit card information into her phone, 771 00:54:15,043 --> 00:54:17,713 and then she rented the Spice Channel for the night." 772 00:54:18,505 --> 00:54:21,215 So, I get my head in there a little further, 773 00:54:21,216 --> 00:54:26,555 and I see that my mom is wide awake. 774 00:54:28,348 --> 00:54:31,143 And my mom has a blanket of her own. 775 00:54:36,023 --> 00:54:41,111 So... I just sort of very quietly close the door... 776 00:54:42,446 --> 00:54:45,115 and I put my head against it, and I think... 777 00:54:47,993 --> 00:54:50,454 I had been through a lot that year. 778 00:54:53,957 --> 00:54:56,877 I seen a lot of stuff I wasn't supposed to see. 779 00:55:00,088 --> 00:55:02,049 We all kind of were going through it. 780 00:55:03,425 --> 00:55:06,344 We had to make a big change in our life and we were all lonely 781 00:55:06,345 --> 00:55:10,599 and learning how to be in this new place, this new life. 782 00:55:12,267 --> 00:55:13,936 I felt bad for my mom. 783 00:55:15,896 --> 00:55:17,231 Walked back to the couch. 784 00:55:18,148 --> 00:55:19,650 I sat with my pals. 785 00:55:22,611 --> 00:55:25,447 And I un-Velcroed my board shorts. 786 00:55:33,789 --> 00:55:36,750 My pals are all smiling, excited. 787 00:55:42,381 --> 00:55:44,716 I give them the go-ahead, start jacking off. 788 00:55:48,929 --> 00:55:50,848 It's the best night of Jeramy's life. 789 00:55:57,688 --> 00:56:01,441 And you know... I start jacking off too. 790 00:56:05,779 --> 00:56:08,490 I looked around the room at all these smiling faces. 791 00:56:12,953 --> 00:56:15,414 And I'm pretty sure that night... 792 00:56:16,415 --> 00:56:20,627 all my pals thought that I was jacking off with them. 793 00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:29,803 I was jacking off with my mom. 794 00:56:42,691 --> 00:56:43,692 Thank you. 795 00:56:46,111 --> 00:56:50,407 Thank you. Thank you. And, you know, don't worry about me. 796 00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:58,040 I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm fine. I just have the sudden urge to go inside. 797 00:57:18,352 --> 00:57:21,938 Well, how lucky can one guy be? 798 00:57:21,939 --> 00:57:26,484 I found some pals as dumb as me 799 00:57:26,485 --> 00:57:30,196 My tears dissolve into the sea 800 00:57:30,197 --> 00:57:36,203 Hit with the choppy waves of memories 801 00:57:43,085 --> 00:57:47,297 Well, our house got blown into the bay 802 00:57:47,589 --> 00:57:51,384 We didn't like it there anyway 803 00:57:51,385 --> 00:57:55,471 And Johnny got himself a van 804 00:57:55,472 --> 00:58:00,143 And we ran away to Birmingham 805 00:58:04,064 --> 00:58:08,275 Well, get the van, man Johnny, I got the itch 806 00:58:08,276 --> 00:58:12,655 Let's hit the road And hold on to that death wish 807 00:58:12,656 --> 00:58:18,537 ‘Cause I don't wanna go through them White sand dunes without my terminal 808 00:58:18,662 --> 00:58:22,457 My terminal crew of dudes 809 00:58:28,380 --> 00:58:33,051 And so, Jer quit school, and left town 810 00:58:33,427 --> 00:58:37,722 Work nights at Waffle House 811 00:58:37,723 --> 00:58:41,851 He put his pay check on red 812 00:58:41,852 --> 00:58:46,522 Had to move back home again 813 00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:49,525 That's the trouble with winning 814 00:58:49,526 --> 00:58:54,238 You gotta have something to lose 815 00:58:54,239 --> 00:58:58,325 And coming up don't feel so good 816 00:58:58,326 --> 00:59:02,664 If you ain't never been screwed 817 00:59:06,334 --> 00:59:10,838 Well, get the van, man Johnny, I got the itch 818 00:59:10,839 --> 00:59:14,800 Let's hit the road And hold on to that death wish 819 00:59:14,801 --> 00:59:20,891 ‘Cause I don't even know How to sing the blues without my terminal 820 00:59:21,016 --> 00:59:24,895 My terminal crew of dudes 821 00:59:31,651 --> 00:59:35,697 And we're too cynical to pray 822 00:59:35,822 --> 00:59:39,909 And too wound up to meditate 823 00:59:39,910 --> 00:59:43,913 Just tumbling through that by and by 824 00:59:43,914 --> 00:59:49,252 Some beach rats flying into the night sky 825 00:59:52,172 --> 00:59:56,550 Well, get the van, man Johnny, I got the itch 826 00:59:56,551 --> 01:00:01,097 Let's hit the road And hold on to that death wish 827 01:00:01,098 --> 01:00:06,895 ‘Cause I could never go through What I've been through without my terminal 828 01:00:07,020 --> 01:00:10,607 My terminal crew of dudes 829 01:00:11,650 --> 01:00:14,569 Terminal crew of dudes 830 01:00:16,196 --> 01:00:22,077 Terminal crew of dudes