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- [man] Okay, are you ready?
You feeling all right? - [man 2] Set.
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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ
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[woman] Yup.
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[microphone rustling]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ
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[camera rattles]
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[tense music]
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From a young age,
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I've had this relentless desire
to be perfect.
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[announcer] Jessie Diggins!
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[inaudible]
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[Jessie] This voice would say,
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"You're not doing
enough right now.
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You need to work harder."
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- [chain rattle]
- [ball thuds]
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[tense music continues]
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You have to be willing
to suffer like nobody else.
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[faint applause]
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[echoed panting]
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[high-pitched ring building]
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[ringing halts]
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And even when I knew,
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"This is going to kill me..."
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...I kept going.
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[music turns dramatic]
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[gunshot]
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[music turns pensive]
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- [vehicle passing by]
- [music fades]
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[objects rustle]
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This is the first time I've
opened this and looked at this.
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Winning the
Overall Globe in '21.
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First place
in the Distance Cup, '21.
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Falun, 2015 did not deserve it.
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[medal clinks]
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[interviewer]
Why do you keep them in a box?
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I mean, it's a piece of metal
and it--
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- [soft thud]
- This is very cool.
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This is something that you could
work a lifetime to get, but...
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it doesn't give you
a free pass for life.
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And so, I wanna wake up
every single day
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and earn the right to be proud
of who I am and what I do.
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And that's the way I feel
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before every single season.
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[birds chirping]
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[pensive music]
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[ski poles tapping on pavement]
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[heavy breathing]
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[panting]
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- [videotape whirring]
- [music continues]
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[dad] Here we are...
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and there's our little girl!
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- Get to cat-- Hi, darling!
- [baby laughing]
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Hey, darling, are you gonna show
us your crawling?
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"You wanna see walking?"
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Oh, here we go.
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- Jessie! [chuckles]
- [mom] Time take off!
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[mom chuckles]
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Yay!
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- Hey!
- [camera whirring]
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[mom] Go!
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- Run, run, run.
- [Jessie chuckles]
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[mom chuckles]
That's right!
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Tell Mommy who loves you.
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- Daddy!
- Daddy.
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[Jessie laughs]
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[music fades]
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[Jessie]
Before I was old enough to ski,
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my parents would put me
in their backpack
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[music continues]
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and I used to like yell
at my dad
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to go faster and faster.
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[dad]
She'd call it "Go super speed."
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She'd put on a burst
and we'd have a--
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have a little sprint out,
you know, back uh--
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back in the day.
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[mom] We had a camper.
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While Jess was, probably
about... maybe six.
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And so, we did a lot of weekend
camping at state parks.
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And we have some
great memories of just like,
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you know, packing
up the family and Crock-Pot
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full of chili
and going and skiing.
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And, you know,
we always tried to make sure
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it was fun for the kids.
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[Jessie] I thought
it was so cool to be
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zooming around
on the trails and...
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from a very early age,
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I learned
that this was such a cool way
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to be with your family.
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And eventually,
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I wanted to start skiing faster
and faster and...
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definitely started to become
interested in racing.
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[bright music]
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I think I was like 11 or 12.
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And my dad found me
at the finish and I think
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he expected me to be cold
and in tears and miserable.
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And instead, I was like,
"Dad, this was great.
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I'm doing it next year,
let's come back."
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He was like, "Oh, okay.
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She likes suffering, I guess."
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So I think athletically,
I take after my dad.
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I just remember
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one day he was out in the park.
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He was, like, ten miles
from his car
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when he broke his foot running
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and just ran back to the car.
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And dad must
have been in agony.
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And he just... said nothing.
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[Clay] I have always
been fascinated
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with the mental side
of endurance sports.
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When your body is telling you,
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it's like, "Okay, this--
It's time to back off."
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Being able to push through
from an athletic standpoint
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was always fascinating to me.
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And that was something
that Jessie
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was really interested in
from an early age as well.
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So what I would do is
I'd get these VHS tapes
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of some of the World Cup races.
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And of course, Jessie would be
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sitting there
right alongside me,
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you know, wanting to-- To know
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what was going
on and who the athletes were.
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Seeing his passion for it was
really cool for me.
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And I remember just laying on
the floor in the basement
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watching the Olympics
with my dad and thinking,
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"I'm gonna win
the Olympics someday.
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Watch me do it."
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[music continues]
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[Clay] So in seventh grade,
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they put her
on the junior varsity
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high school team.
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And one day,
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one of the varsity
skiers got sick,
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they couldn't ski.
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And so the coach said,
"Okay, Jessie, [whistles]
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you're going in. You got
five minutes to get ready."
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[Jessie] I took off so fast.
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I pushed myself...
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so hard and was so focused.
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[distant cheering]
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But I also thought...
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"...I'm going to die."
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I kept pushing myself
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without really thinking about
what it was doing to me.
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I couldn't breathe,
I couldn't think,
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I couldn't feel my legs.
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I felt like
I was gonna pass out.
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I was in so much pain.
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I'd never felt like that before.
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[music continues]
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[Clay]
Well, doesn't she win the race.
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[chuckles]
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And all of a sudden, it's like,
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"Whoa," then you've got
coaches and everybody
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looking at the timing sheets
after. "Was there a mistake?"
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"How did this little kid
win in that?"
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[Jessie] And a minute passed,
and I was like, "Oh...
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this didn't kill me."
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I just realized,
like, "Holy shit,
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there's this whole next level."
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And feeling that
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extreme high and the rush after
the race was...
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...amazing.
I remember thinking, like,
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"I'm never gonna be able
to race the same again."
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Like, "Everything changes
from this moment on."
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[dramatic music]
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[Clay] She became a phenom all
through high school.
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Every race was a blowout.
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[chuckles]
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[sportscaster] Jessie Diggins
is just a freshman,
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but the Stillwater skier
is the best in Minnesota.
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On Friday, she easily won
the State Nordic Ski Pursuit Championship
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at Giants Ridge,
capturing both the freestyle
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and classical races.
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[Jessie] When I saw
the person behind me wasn't
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going to catch me, it was
really, really fun. [chuckles]
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[man] The first time
I heard about Jessie,
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she was probably
15 years old,
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and she really stood
out immediately.
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I remember meeting her
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at a regional elite group camp
in Wisconsin.
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And while everyone else
was napping or
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resting after lunch
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or swimming,
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Jessie wanted to work
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on technique a little bit more.
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You know, at the time, we
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were just-- Thought this was
the greatest thing ever.
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Like, this athlete that
just wants to work harder.
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And I just remember thinking,
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"This is who
we should be recruiting."
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So eventually, we did.
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And she went from high school
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to becoming
a professional ski racer
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as a member
of the national team.
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[indistinct dialogues]
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[dramatic music increases]
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[cheering]
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[indistinct sportscaster
dialogues]
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[sportscaster speaking
foreign language]
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[air horn blares]
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[dramatic rumble]
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[people cheering]
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00:10:56,897 --> 00:10:59,935
[sportscaster] Jessica Diggins
is up the first 1500 meters.
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She's an incredible fighter
though,
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is, uh, Jess Diggins,
out of Minnesota
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Look at Jess Diggins
on the podium
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in the distance race.
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What a fantastic day for the
American team.
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00:11:10,324 --> 00:11:11,981
- [sportscaster 2] And look what
this silver means! - [sporstcaster chuckles]
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- [inaudible dialogue]
- [cheering]
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[interviewer] So you look super
happy, tell me.
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00:11:16,261 --> 00:11:17,849
[Jessie chuckles]
I am super happy.
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00:11:17,987 --> 00:11:19,575
This has been
the best race of my life.
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To be behind Kalla, who
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00:11:21,094 --> 00:11:23,165
I really admire so much, is...
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00:11:23,303 --> 00:11:24,684
like a dream come true.
[chuckles]
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00:11:24,822 --> 00:11:26,375
I still have posters
of these girls
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00:11:26,513 --> 00:11:28,032
- up on my walls at home.
- [women chuckle]
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00:11:28,204 --> 00:11:29,481
They-- You don't know that, but,
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00:11:29,619 --> 00:11:30,931
um, [chuckles] now you do.
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[Clay] She was still really
young at that time.
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So I thought,
"All right, this is--
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This is the start
of something that's gonna--
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00:11:41,045 --> 00:11:43,392
That's just on--
gonna grow from here."
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00:11:45,359 --> 00:11:46,671
But, uh...
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00:11:46,809 --> 00:11:49,363
I think everything really
changed for her...
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00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:51,780
...in Pyeongchang.
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00:11:52,573 --> 00:11:55,956
The United States hasn't won an
Olympic medal in cross-country
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00:11:56,094 --> 00:11:58,131
skiing since 1976.
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Several skiers
hope to change that.
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[fireworks bursting]
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00:12:03,412 --> 00:12:04,793
[crowd roaring]
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00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:09,314
[sportscaster]
Team sprint final.
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00:12:09,625 --> 00:12:10,730
Six laps.
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00:12:11,282 --> 00:12:13,077
Kikkan Randall in the middle
of the front row
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00:12:13,215 --> 00:12:14,699
of the United States.
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00:12:15,182 --> 00:12:17,460
Jess Diggins second
for the U.S.
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[cheering]
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00:12:19,877 --> 00:12:21,602
- [gunshot]
- Away we go then.
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00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,502
Kikkan Randall in the middle
of the field.
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00:12:27,608 --> 00:12:29,507
[Clay] It was a relay race.
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00:12:30,197 --> 00:12:32,406
Jessie was the last leg.
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00:12:32,890 --> 00:12:35,271
[sportscaster]
And Randall to Diggins.
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00:12:35,582 --> 00:12:36,514
Here we go.
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00:12:36,652 --> 00:12:38,033
[cheering]
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00:12:38,378 --> 00:12:42,589
[Clay] And as they're dwindling
down to that final lap,
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it was pretty obvious, like,
"Hey, it's down
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to Norway, Sweden,
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00:12:49,527 --> 00:12:50,735
and United States.
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[sportscaster]
As the roars rattle around
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00:12:53,013 --> 00:12:54,256
the cross-country stadium
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00:12:54,394 --> 00:12:56,983
in Pyeongchang,
Sweden, the U.S.,
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00:12:57,121 --> 00:12:58,881
and Norway come into the line.
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[sportscaster 2]
Here comes Diggins! Here comes Diggins!
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00:13:01,711 --> 00:13:05,129
[sportscaster] Diggins making
the play around Sweden!
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00:13:05,370 --> 00:13:07,890
- Jessie Diggins to the line!
- [sportscaster 2] Yes! Yes! Yes!
257
00:13:08,028 --> 00:13:10,203
- Yes! Gold!
- [sportscaster] And it is Jessie Diggins
258
00:13:10,341 --> 00:13:12,619
delivering a landmark moment
259
00:13:12,757 --> 00:13:16,105
that will be etched in U.S.
Olympic history.
260
00:13:16,554 --> 00:13:20,834
The first-ever cross-country
gold medal for the U.S.
261
00:13:21,145 --> 00:13:25,045
[sportscaster 2] Oh, what a
performance from Jess Diggins.
262
00:13:28,946 --> 00:13:31,603
[Deb]
I was so amazed and overwhelmed
263
00:13:31,741 --> 00:13:33,226
that this had happened.
264
00:13:34,192 --> 00:13:37,264
Your child's huge,
huge, crazy dream
265
00:13:37,575 --> 00:13:39,749
just came true right in
front of your eyes, you know?
266
00:13:39,888 --> 00:13:41,855
And it's--
It's just unbelievable.
267
00:13:42,407 --> 00:13:44,133
[sportscaster]
The first-ever gold medal for
268
00:13:44,271 --> 00:13:46,480
the United States
in cross-country skiing.
269
00:13:46,653 --> 00:13:48,448
And because of that,
Jessica Diggins,
270
00:13:48,586 --> 00:13:50,657
she has been selected
as the flag bearer
271
00:13:50,795 --> 00:13:53,142
for Sunday night's closing
ceremony of Pyeongchang.
272
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:55,144
- [sportscaster 2] Good for her.
That's very cool. - [sportscaster] Right?
273
00:13:55,282 --> 00:13:58,251
[announcer] Please welcome
2018 Olympic gold medal
274
00:13:58,389 --> 00:14:01,806
cross-country skier,
and Minnesota's own,
275
00:14:01,979 --> 00:14:04,015
Jessie Diggins!
276
00:14:04,153 --> 00:14:06,569
[crowd roaring]
277
00:14:06,915 --> 00:14:08,399
[upbeat music]
278
00:14:08,709 --> 00:14:10,401
[indistinct cheering]
279
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,476
[cowbells ringing]
280
00:14:18,443 --> 00:14:20,238
My agent was like,
"You can ask for
281
00:14:20,376 --> 00:14:21,550
anything you want right now."
282
00:14:21,688 --> 00:14:23,069
Like, "Do you wanna go
to Disney World?
283
00:14:23,207 --> 00:14:24,691
Do you want a car?
What do you want?"
284
00:14:24,829 --> 00:14:27,107
And I was like, "I want a World
Cup in Minneapolis.
285
00:14:27,245 --> 00:14:30,628
He was like, "Ooh,
[hisses through teeth] that's a big ask."
286
00:14:31,387 --> 00:14:34,908
I've gotten the chance
to race about 150 World Cups in my career,
287
00:14:35,115 --> 00:14:38,567
not a single one of them has
been in the United States yet.
288
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:43,365
It was so... incredible.
289
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,162
It changed my entire
life trajectory.
290
00:14:47,990 --> 00:14:51,752
And it just kept
getting bigger.
291
00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:54,376
- [cheering]
- Jessie Diggins... [indistinct]
292
00:14:54,997 --> 00:14:56,965
[woman] Congrats, Jessie!
293
00:14:59,243 --> 00:15:00,554
[woman] Jessie Diggins,
294
00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:01,624
she's the most decorated
295
00:15:01,762 --> 00:15:02,798
American cross-country
296
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:04,593
skier in Olympic history.
297
00:15:04,731 --> 00:15:07,078
She does it all with her
signature glitter brushed
298
00:15:07,216 --> 00:15:08,562
across her cheeks.
299
00:15:10,633 --> 00:15:13,050
[Jessie] All of a sudden,
you're being told,
300
00:15:13,429 --> 00:15:15,500
"You are the face
of American skiing.
301
00:15:15,638 --> 00:15:17,951
[dramatic clicks]
302
00:15:18,124 --> 00:15:19,711
You're America's sweetheart.
303
00:15:19,988 --> 00:15:21,368
Everybody's watching."
304
00:15:22,093 --> 00:15:24,924
For me, it's so important to
take care of my body,
305
00:15:25,165 --> 00:15:26,995
and Chipotle is my go-to place.
306
00:15:28,375 --> 00:15:31,309
You're getting asked to do
all these events.
307
00:15:32,828 --> 00:15:36,073
And I did 100 events
in 50 days.
308
00:15:38,178 --> 00:15:40,249
And for six years,
309
00:15:41,078 --> 00:15:43,701
I just kept doing that.
310
00:15:44,598 --> 00:15:45,703
[music fades]
311
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,187
I just...
312
00:15:48,499 --> 00:15:51,122
...kept doing more
and more and more.
313
00:15:55,230 --> 00:15:57,094
[objects rattle]
314
00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:01,512
[soft whirring]
315
00:16:05,619 --> 00:16:07,069
[jewelry clatter]
316
00:16:08,312 --> 00:16:10,003
[indistinct chatter]
317
00:16:19,909 --> 00:16:23,465
I've gotten so good at being in
pain while I'm skiing.
318
00:16:24,673 --> 00:16:25,915
But in my life,
319
00:16:26,295 --> 00:16:27,779
I was starting
to get really good at
320
00:16:27,917 --> 00:16:30,092
quietly being
a little bit in pain
321
00:16:30,230 --> 00:16:31,438
all the time.
322
00:16:33,820 --> 00:16:36,340
[presenter] I present to you
tonight's keynote speaker,
323
00:16:36,478 --> 00:16:37,789
- Jessie Diggins.
- [audience cheering]
324
00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:47,385
Now, there are gonna be times
when life gets hard.
325
00:16:47,972 --> 00:16:51,769
And there are gonna be times
when sport gets rough.
326
00:16:52,494 --> 00:16:54,875
And that's when we lean
on our support systems
327
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,498
to carry us through
328
00:16:56,705 --> 00:16:59,708
so that we can continue
to inspire the next generation.
329
00:17:00,122 --> 00:17:03,436
And for the first time
in over 20 years,
330
00:17:03,919 --> 00:17:05,679
all those little kids
are gonna have a chance
331
00:17:05,817 --> 00:17:07,888
to be inspired
by their heroes in person
332
00:17:08,199 --> 00:17:10,270
at the Minneapolis
World Cup in February.
333
00:17:10,926 --> 00:17:13,066
I'm gonna get to race
in front of the community
334
00:17:13,204 --> 00:17:14,688
and the people who raised me,
335
00:17:15,137 --> 00:17:19,038
who believed in me from the very
first time I ever put on skis.
336
00:17:19,176 --> 00:17:21,074
[audience cheering]
337
00:17:27,770 --> 00:17:29,186
[cheering fades]
338
00:17:31,912 --> 00:17:33,397
[soft, pensive music]
339
00:17:34,674 --> 00:17:36,641
I'd heard this
analogy of stress
340
00:17:36,779 --> 00:17:39,437
as this bubble of water
where you just keep
341
00:17:39,575 --> 00:17:41,508
adding a drop at a time.
342
00:17:41,750 --> 00:17:44,546
- [indistinct]
- [man] Thank you.
343
00:17:44,891 --> 00:17:46,410
[indistinct chatter]
344
00:17:46,686 --> 00:17:49,309
And the bubble grows
and grows and grows...
345
00:17:50,379 --> 00:17:52,347
[indistinct chatter]
346
00:17:54,003 --> 00:17:56,454
...until suddenly
it just bursts.
347
00:18:00,009 --> 00:18:01,287
And...
348
00:18:02,011 --> 00:18:04,083
that's kind of how it's felt.
349
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,295
But I just kept pushing past
all these warning signs,
350
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,331
because I felt like...
351
00:18:11,642 --> 00:18:14,127
"This is fine, this is fine,
I can handle this."
352
00:18:16,267 --> 00:18:18,994
But without
even thinking about it,
353
00:18:19,753 --> 00:18:23,861
it's something that I hadn't
felt for quite a long time,
354
00:18:25,759 --> 00:18:26,898
it came back.
355
00:18:33,457 --> 00:18:35,666
[music continues]
356
00:18:37,875 --> 00:18:39,842
In my senior year
of high school,
357
00:18:39,980 --> 00:18:42,776
I started having
to wrestle with the...
358
00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:45,193
go to college
or don't go to college.
359
00:18:46,573 --> 00:18:49,300
I had deferred enrollment
360
00:18:49,576 --> 00:18:52,890
because I wanted
to just go all in on skiing.
361
00:18:53,753 --> 00:18:55,789
And I do remember getting
362
00:18:55,927 --> 00:18:58,896
a lot of questions
from other parents,
363
00:18:59,103 --> 00:19:01,036
"What do you mean
you're not going to college?
364
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,382
Everyone's going to college,
365
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,177
why would you turn this down?"
366
00:19:04,695 --> 00:19:07,456
And for something
so uncertain too.
367
00:19:08,664 --> 00:19:11,978
At that time, the U.S.
had very little funding.
368
00:19:12,116 --> 00:19:13,945
The team was absolutely tiny.
369
00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:16,534
To get on the U.S. ski team,
370
00:19:16,672 --> 00:19:19,088
you had to be
top 30 in the world.
371
00:19:19,917 --> 00:19:21,919
So I kept thinking, if I could
just train more
372
00:19:22,057 --> 00:19:25,750
and train harder, I'll make
the national team next year.
373
00:19:26,820 --> 00:19:29,478
And I wanted to have
a 4.0 GPA when I graduated
374
00:19:29,616 --> 00:19:31,825
and I wanted to take
all the college classes
375
00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:33,758
and get all the college credits
for them and
376
00:19:33,896 --> 00:19:36,105
still be in the top
level orchestra.
377
00:19:36,865 --> 00:19:40,248
I was just trying to go 100%
378
00:19:40,386 --> 00:19:42,526
in every single corner
of my life
379
00:19:43,354 --> 00:19:45,598
because I couldn't sit still
380
00:19:45,736 --> 00:19:48,428
with the feeling
that I was not enough.
381
00:19:48,704 --> 00:19:50,672
[ski poles tapping on pavement]
382
00:19:51,086 --> 00:19:55,159
She always had this desire
to take on... more,
383
00:19:55,918 --> 00:19:58,507
and in some cases,
too much.
384
00:20:00,854 --> 00:20:05,204
[Jessie] I remember the year
that I was at World Juniors
385
00:20:06,446 --> 00:20:10,485
and I saw all these girls who
never touched their dessert,
386
00:20:10,623 --> 00:20:12,590
who cut every
single piece of fat off
387
00:20:12,728 --> 00:20:15,559
of their meat and were all
looking at each other's plates
388
00:20:15,697 --> 00:20:18,044
and trying to eat
as little as possible.
389
00:20:18,389 --> 00:20:19,873
I remember looking around,
being like,
390
00:20:20,115 --> 00:20:23,498
"Why am I the only one
eating this food?
391
00:20:24,395 --> 00:20:26,294
I guess this is
what I need to do."
392
00:20:27,364 --> 00:20:30,263
My mom said when I came back,
I was not the same.
393
00:20:30,574 --> 00:20:31,954
[music continues]
394
00:20:33,922 --> 00:20:35,993
My body was changing because
395
00:20:36,131 --> 00:20:38,996
I was going through the second
wave of puberty and,
396
00:20:39,134 --> 00:20:41,861
like, training really hard
and gaining muscle.
397
00:20:42,344 --> 00:20:45,382
But I was always
such a skinny little kid,
398
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:46,969
I was built like a little boy
399
00:20:47,384 --> 00:20:49,006
and suddenly I didn't have
400
00:20:49,144 --> 00:20:52,354
a little boy body [chuckles]
and I hated it.
401
00:20:53,010 --> 00:20:55,702
I couldn't stand
being in my own skin.
402
00:20:59,396 --> 00:21:00,845
I would judge myself for
403
00:21:00,983 --> 00:21:03,676
eating a normal amount
thinking it was too much
404
00:21:03,814 --> 00:21:07,611
so I would go make myself
run in the dark at night.
405
00:21:09,682 --> 00:21:14,411
It wasn't normal, it wasn't good
and I was so unhappy.
406
00:21:16,171 --> 00:21:19,519
[Deb] Her behavior had been
getting stranger and stranger.
407
00:21:20,037 --> 00:21:22,453
She wasn't... herself,
408
00:21:22,591 --> 00:21:24,904
she wasn't
her happy personality.
409
00:21:26,146 --> 00:21:29,564
So at that point I said,
"What's up?"
410
00:21:30,875 --> 00:21:34,948
But she was not ready to share
what she was feeling.
411
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:39,574
[Jessie] My parents tried
many times to talk
412
00:21:40,333 --> 00:21:42,922
and I always brushed it off.
413
00:21:43,060 --> 00:21:44,820
"I'm fine, I'm busy,
I have to go.
414
00:21:44,958 --> 00:21:47,375
I'm leaving, I'm out the door,
I'm late for training."
415
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,929
I became such a good liar.
416
00:21:51,758 --> 00:21:54,243
[Deb] Jessie was starting to
417
00:21:54,554 --> 00:21:56,694
miss family dinners and say,
418
00:21:56,832 --> 00:21:58,627
"You know what? I'm not hungry."
419
00:21:58,869 --> 00:22:00,802
I would say like,
"Oh, I'm-- I already ate"
420
00:22:00,940 --> 00:22:02,562
like, "I don't need
to come down to dinner."
421
00:22:02,700 --> 00:22:04,150
And we always ate as a family,
422
00:22:04,288 --> 00:22:07,049
like, every night we would
sit around the table and
423
00:22:07,187 --> 00:22:08,913
talk about our day and, like,
424
00:22:09,051 --> 00:22:13,055
laugh and suddenly it was
this scary thing
425
00:22:13,193 --> 00:22:15,472
that I had to avoid
at all costs.
426
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,408
[melancholic music]
427
00:22:23,100 --> 00:22:25,999
[Deb]
To have your generally happy,
428
00:22:26,137 --> 00:22:28,139
joyful child
429
00:22:28,277 --> 00:22:31,522
become someone who's angry and
430
00:22:31,660 --> 00:22:33,766
resentful and unpleasant,
431
00:22:33,938 --> 00:22:36,044
it's just-- it was a total 180.
432
00:22:38,943 --> 00:22:42,119
[Jessie] One day,
I was going to work,
433
00:22:43,431 --> 00:22:47,573
and I wanted
to crawl out of my skin.
434
00:22:48,332 --> 00:22:51,266
And I pulled into a gas station
435
00:22:51,404 --> 00:22:55,512
and went into the bathroom
and made myself throw up.
436
00:22:56,029 --> 00:22:58,031
And I'd never done that before.
437
00:22:58,342 --> 00:23:02,553
I wasn't even thinking,
I just couldn't stand myself.
438
00:23:03,692 --> 00:23:07,662
And I remember
looking in the mirror...
439
00:23:08,939 --> 00:23:12,770
...and I had tears just
sliding down my face and I...
440
00:23:13,322 --> 00:23:14,979
didn't recognize myself.
441
00:23:15,601 --> 00:23:16,981
I felt nothing.
442
00:23:17,879 --> 00:23:19,225
I didn't feel anything.
443
00:23:19,708 --> 00:23:23,332
Suddenly this, like,
roaring in my head of like,
444
00:23:23,954 --> 00:23:25,852
"You are nothing,
you are not good enough,
445
00:23:25,990 --> 00:23:28,579
you will never be perfect",
it just stopped.
446
00:23:29,373 --> 00:23:30,823
- [music stops]
- And...
447
00:23:31,099 --> 00:23:33,757
I remember thinking, "Oh, my
God, I can make this go away."
448
00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:37,416
[vehicles passing by]
449
00:23:48,841 --> 00:23:51,430
[coffee maker brewing]
450
00:23:55,330 --> 00:23:56,814
[cup clinks]
451
00:24:03,338 --> 00:24:06,030
As I headed into the season,
452
00:24:07,687 --> 00:24:11,657
I could feel that voice
that wanted me
453
00:24:11,864 --> 00:24:13,590
to just disappear.
454
00:24:13,866 --> 00:24:16,075
- [melancholic music]
- [door closes]
455
00:24:19,665 --> 00:24:23,531
And it's made me feel
really confused
456
00:24:24,601 --> 00:24:27,673
because I thought
I was past this.
457
00:24:30,434 --> 00:24:32,609
But I found myself
458
00:24:32,747 --> 00:24:34,783
trying to feel nothing again.
459
00:24:34,921 --> 00:24:37,027
Two... One, two, three, go!
460
00:24:37,165 --> 00:24:40,513
[ski poles tapping on pavement]
461
00:24:45,276 --> 00:24:47,796
[music continues]
462
00:24:49,936 --> 00:24:53,077
[ski poles tapping on pavement]
463
00:24:55,804 --> 00:24:57,668
[man]
What she told me was that it
464
00:24:57,806 --> 00:25:00,395
happened when I wasn't around.
465
00:25:00,602 --> 00:25:01,983
[music fades]
466
00:25:02,846 --> 00:25:04,744
And I think that's
probably what made it
467
00:25:04,882 --> 00:25:06,332
harder for me to hear, was like,
468
00:25:06,953 --> 00:25:10,232
"Well, I'm here and
you're in Vermont."
469
00:25:10,612 --> 00:25:12,890
[panting]
470
00:25:13,891 --> 00:25:18,275
- [poles rattle]
- Oh, my God. [panting]
471
00:25:19,932 --> 00:25:22,037
[panting continues]
472
00:25:26,594 --> 00:25:29,320
[indistinct background
dialogues]
473
00:25:31,322 --> 00:25:34,429
[Wade] I would talk with her
every day, we always do.
474
00:25:35,050 --> 00:25:36,776
And I would just ask,
"How are you doing?"
475
00:25:36,914 --> 00:25:38,537
You know, like, um,
476
00:25:39,054 --> 00:25:42,264
"Tell me about your day
and how are you feeling?" And like, I would try and--
477
00:25:42,402 --> 00:25:43,645
I would try and get at
478
00:25:43,783 --> 00:25:46,165
the point without trying to--
479
00:25:46,614 --> 00:25:50,272
I don't know, be too obvious
or-- or be direct.
480
00:25:50,410 --> 00:25:53,690
I didn't want to--
I didn't want her to feel like
481
00:25:53,828 --> 00:25:55,450
I was concerned all the time.
482
00:25:55,588 --> 00:25:57,556
[knife chopping]
483
00:25:58,764 --> 00:26:01,249
[Jessie] Oh, can you open
that jar for me, please?
484
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:02,595
Thank you.
485
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:05,840
[Wade] I would go visit her
on the weekends
486
00:26:06,703 --> 00:26:10,707
and she told me she
felt good when I was there.
487
00:26:11,742 --> 00:26:13,986
And I was like, "Well, that
makes me feel good."
488
00:26:14,676 --> 00:26:16,920
But when the season starts,
489
00:26:17,403 --> 00:26:20,924
we'll be across the ocean
from each other for months.
490
00:26:23,236 --> 00:26:26,136
I remember pretty early
on in dating,
491
00:26:26,308 --> 00:26:27,931
she told me that she had
struggled with
492
00:26:28,069 --> 00:26:30,174
an eating disorder years ago.
493
00:26:30,934 --> 00:26:33,488
But this is my first
experience with it
494
00:26:33,695 --> 00:26:36,008
as it currently happening.
495
00:26:36,180 --> 00:26:37,768
To date, it had always been...
496
00:26:38,631 --> 00:26:40,875
...something that was in the
background, in the past.
497
00:26:42,462 --> 00:26:44,741
[soft, melancholic music]
498
00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:52,093
[Jessie] I was about
to leave for the season.
499
00:26:54,682 --> 00:26:57,305
And I started to wonder,
500
00:26:57,961 --> 00:27:00,135
should I do this?
501
00:27:01,723 --> 00:27:03,587
I started thinking to myself,
502
00:27:04,450 --> 00:27:08,523
you could make
the outside of your body
503
00:27:08,661 --> 00:27:11,733
look as sick as you
feel in your soul right now.
504
00:27:12,251 --> 00:27:14,978
And then no one will ask you
for interviews
505
00:27:15,150 --> 00:27:17,359
and no one will ask
you for anything.
506
00:27:17,532 --> 00:27:19,051
And you can just rest.
507
00:27:21,053 --> 00:27:24,297
And as I was grappling
with this decision,
508
00:27:25,126 --> 00:27:28,439
my phone rang
and it was Matt calling me.
509
00:27:32,236 --> 00:27:34,894
[Matt] I was picking up
on a jittery kid.
510
00:27:35,999 --> 00:27:38,346
I did call Jessie, um--
511
00:27:38,518 --> 00:27:40,382
And I said, "Jessie, you know,
the reason I'm calling
512
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,074
is because, um,
513
00:27:42,488 --> 00:27:44,801
like, you've been doing
this for a long time
514
00:27:45,146 --> 00:27:46,837
and I know
there's pressure,
515
00:27:46,975 --> 00:27:48,908
and I-- I just want you to know
516
00:27:49,081 --> 00:27:51,497
um, I'm calling you as a friend,
517
00:27:51,635 --> 00:27:54,742
and I'm saying,
you don't have to do this."
518
00:27:58,677 --> 00:28:01,921
[Jessie] It was like, somehow he
had read my mind.
519
00:28:04,544 --> 00:28:06,477
He gave me permission.
520
00:28:06,892 --> 00:28:09,446
Like, "If you are secretly
searching for an out
521
00:28:09,584 --> 00:28:12,794
and you are just hoping
someone will give it to you, here it is."
522
00:28:13,450 --> 00:28:15,728
[music builds, tenses]
523
00:28:21,630 --> 00:28:22,735
[music halts]
524
00:28:22,977 --> 00:28:24,426
And I didn't take it.
525
00:28:24,737 --> 00:28:26,394
[panting]
526
00:28:28,879 --> 00:28:30,087
I can't...
527
00:28:32,711 --> 00:28:34,713
[woman muffled] You want
me to stop it, Jessie?
528
00:28:37,923 --> 00:28:39,787
[Matt]
I remember her saying to me,
529
00:28:40,580 --> 00:28:44,515
"I feel like I use sport and
competition to stay on track."
530
00:28:46,586 --> 00:28:48,899
And I said, "Okay.
531
00:28:50,936 --> 00:28:52,903
If that's the truth,
532
00:28:53,870 --> 00:28:55,457
then let's go."
533
00:28:56,769 --> 00:28:58,460
[door creaks]
534
00:28:59,323 --> 00:29:00,359
[door closes]
535
00:29:02,879 --> 00:29:05,191
[Jessie] We got a lot of skis.
536
00:29:08,643 --> 00:29:10,196
Oh, boy.
537
00:29:11,025 --> 00:29:12,854
[pensive music]
538
00:29:13,199 --> 00:29:17,134
[woman speaking on airplane
in a foreign language]
539
00:29:17,859 --> 00:29:20,241
[airplane engine roaring]
540
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:30,872
[indistinct dialogues]
541
00:29:31,770 --> 00:29:34,117
[soft ethereal music]
542
00:29:42,263 --> 00:29:44,368
[Jessie]
The first time I was sick...
543
00:29:45,197 --> 00:29:47,095
...I was a teenager.
544
00:29:48,062 --> 00:29:49,442
And I was ashamed.
545
00:29:50,719 --> 00:29:54,723
This time, I wanted to be
an open book
546
00:29:54,862 --> 00:29:56,173
right from the start.
547
00:29:57,002 --> 00:30:00,350
So it looked a lot different
and it felt different.
548
00:30:02,421 --> 00:30:04,630
[Wade] She told me
that she was going to
549
00:30:04,768 --> 00:30:06,321
tell everyone publicly about
550
00:30:06,701 --> 00:30:08,013
going through this again.
551
00:30:09,877 --> 00:30:12,500
We talked about it at length
about whether or not
552
00:30:12,638 --> 00:30:14,019
that was a good idea.
553
00:30:14,571 --> 00:30:16,849
I was of the opinion
that it was not a good idea
554
00:30:16,987 --> 00:30:20,163
to share publicly, that, um...
555
00:30:20,646 --> 00:30:24,753
it would open herself up
to... ridicule.
556
00:30:25,099 --> 00:30:28,033
But Jessie is nothing
if not honest.
557
00:30:28,481 --> 00:30:30,690
Hey, everyone. I have something
I want to share with you,
558
00:30:30,829 --> 00:30:32,140
although it isn't easy.
559
00:30:32,313 --> 00:30:34,902
Um, after 12 really
great years of health,
560
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:37,732
I've been struggling with my
eating disorder this summer.
561
00:30:37,870 --> 00:30:41,494
Sometimes we project
that in order to be successful,
562
00:30:41,632 --> 00:30:44,256
you have to be perfect,
and struggle with nothing.
563
00:30:44,394 --> 00:30:46,016
And that's just not real life.
564
00:30:46,154 --> 00:30:48,916
It's okay if you need to lean on
your support team.
565
00:30:50,607 --> 00:30:52,781
- [woman] Okay, so, this is
a press conference. - [Jessie sighs]
566
00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:54,266
You've done a million of these.
567
00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:55,715
You're f-- you're okay.
568
00:30:56,095 --> 00:30:58,960
You're allowed to be vulnerable.
569
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:01,929
Okay?
570
00:31:05,070 --> 00:31:06,416
[computer notification chimes]
571
00:31:06,554 --> 00:31:08,832
- [Rachel] Hi, Jessie.
- Hey, Rachel.
572
00:31:09,108 --> 00:31:10,316
Good to see you.
573
00:31:11,007 --> 00:31:13,216
Um, I wanted to ask you
574
00:31:13,354 --> 00:31:16,322
a little more about your--
your perspective
575
00:31:16,633 --> 00:31:18,842
on mental health
576
00:31:18,980 --> 00:31:21,258
after having had a relapse.
577
00:31:21,672 --> 00:31:25,090
Yeah, um, that's a great
question. [chuckles]
578
00:31:25,228 --> 00:31:27,023
I think, um...
579
00:31:28,300 --> 00:31:30,440
...part of the problem
was I started
580
00:31:30,578 --> 00:31:33,132
putting more and more
pressure on myself again.
581
00:31:33,270 --> 00:31:35,134
- Um, I started
- [soft music]
582
00:31:35,272 --> 00:31:37,757
getting back into this idea
583
00:31:37,896 --> 00:31:39,621
that I have to be perfect.
584
00:31:39,967 --> 00:31:42,970
[woman 2] And, now, I wanted
to find out what, um,
585
00:31:43,108 --> 00:31:47,250
specific goals you have for
this season in terms of races.
586
00:31:47,629 --> 00:31:49,390
Yeah, um, I'm just
587
00:31:49,528 --> 00:31:51,392
focusing really on [chuckles]
588
00:31:51,530 --> 00:31:53,497
one day and one week at a time.
589
00:31:53,635 --> 00:31:57,743
Um, so I have not been putting
the pressure on myself
590
00:31:57,881 --> 00:32:00,366
of setting
season-long goals.
591
00:32:00,504 --> 00:32:02,403
And I hope everyone
understands that
592
00:32:02,541 --> 00:32:04,646
when I do have a race bib on,
593
00:32:04,784 --> 00:32:07,477
it's because me
and my whole care team
594
00:32:07,615 --> 00:32:10,273
have agreed that this is--
this is good.
595
00:32:10,411 --> 00:32:11,860
And it's right
for me to be there.
596
00:32:11,999 --> 00:32:13,276
And it's okay
for me to be there.
597
00:32:13,414 --> 00:32:14,794
So, um...
598
00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:18,764
you know, when I do race, it's--
it's because I-- I want to.
599
00:32:18,902 --> 00:32:20,524
[music continues]
600
00:32:21,180 --> 00:32:22,975
[woman] Thank you so much
for your question, Cindy.
601
00:32:23,113 --> 00:32:25,978
I am gonna drag one
from the chat real fast.
602
00:32:26,254 --> 00:32:29,188
[dialogue continues muffled]
603
00:32:31,432 --> 00:32:34,159
How you doing? Relieved?
604
00:32:34,297 --> 00:32:36,851
- I'm so glad that's done.
- [woman] Yeah.
605
00:32:37,058 --> 00:32:38,887
- Good...
- [sighs]
606
00:32:39,026 --> 00:32:40,993
- [woman] Yeah.
- God.
607
00:32:41,994 --> 00:32:44,272
[Jessie groans]
608
00:32:44,617 --> 00:32:45,964
[soft pats]
609
00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:48,587
[unsettling music]
610
00:32:48,725 --> 00:32:50,278
[sportscaster] It's the FIS
Cross-Country Ruka Opener,
611
00:32:50,416 --> 00:32:53,074
and it's Ruka in
all its winter glory.
612
00:32:54,282 --> 00:32:56,008
You can hear the squeaking
of the snow.
613
00:32:56,146 --> 00:32:57,768
And that tells you it is cold.
614
00:32:58,010 --> 00:33:00,012
[cheering]
615
00:33:00,909 --> 00:33:03,567
[people cheering
in the distance]
616
00:33:05,466 --> 00:33:08,124
[Jessie] Talking about
my relapse publicly,
617
00:33:08,917 --> 00:33:12,956
I knew this was
basically just exposing myself.
618
00:33:14,164 --> 00:33:17,650
It was putting this massive
target on my back.
619
00:33:18,617 --> 00:33:21,275
And I was really
nervous about that.
620
00:33:22,690 --> 00:33:26,280
So I feel pressure to prove,
621
00:33:26,418 --> 00:33:28,075
like, "See? I'm okay.
622
00:33:28,385 --> 00:33:30,456
I can be here, I can race.
623
00:33:30,594 --> 00:33:32,769
Look, everyone.
Look how fine I am."
624
00:33:33,494 --> 00:33:37,153
I wanna prove
that I can do it so badly.
625
00:33:37,808 --> 00:33:39,707
[people cheering]
626
00:33:39,948 --> 00:33:41,260
[music continues]
627
00:33:41,467 --> 00:33:43,745
[heartbeat echoes]
628
00:33:49,130 --> 00:33:51,443
[indistinct dialogues]
629
00:33:51,684 --> 00:33:53,997
- [heartbeat echoes]
- [gunshot]
630
00:33:54,722 --> 00:33:56,068
[sportscaster] Diggins
on the right side
631
00:33:56,206 --> 00:33:57,794
in the fourth row,
632
00:33:57,932 --> 00:33:59,451
a few people ahead of her.
633
00:33:59,589 --> 00:34:01,315
A little bit of a scary
entrance into this course.
634
00:34:01,453 --> 00:34:03,524
It's very fast.
You've got 55 athletes
635
00:34:03,662 --> 00:34:05,008
going down this hill.
What are you gonna do
636
00:34:05,146 --> 00:34:06,285
just to stay on your feet here?
637
00:34:07,286 --> 00:34:10,082
[sportscaster 2] Who's gonna
lead? Who's gonna make that bold move?
638
00:34:10,669 --> 00:34:12,050
[music continues]
639
00:34:23,095 --> 00:34:25,339
[music continues]
640
00:34:28,135 --> 00:34:30,516
[skis swishing past]
641
00:34:32,449 --> 00:34:34,555
[people cheering]
642
00:34:35,452 --> 00:34:37,109
[sportscaster 2]
Jessie, making the move here.
643
00:34:37,247 --> 00:34:38,869
I mean, clearly, this is--
this is a good move for her.
644
00:34:39,007 --> 00:34:42,149
She knows she's
got the durability.
645
00:34:47,568 --> 00:34:49,984
[sportscaster]
18.6 kilometer time check.
646
00:34:50,398 --> 00:34:53,746
- 1.4 kilometers to go and-- Oh!
- [sportscaster 2] Jessie just lost a pole.
647
00:34:53,884 --> 00:34:55,196
[sportscaster] Jessie Diggins
doesn't have a pole.
648
00:34:55,334 --> 00:34:56,646
[sportscaster 2]
Doesn't have a pole!
649
00:35:00,926 --> 00:35:02,445
[indistinct radio noises]
650
00:35:02,617 --> 00:35:03,998
[man on radio]
What's going on out there?
651
00:35:04,792 --> 00:35:07,105
[sportscaster 2] Oh, that's a--
that's a-- that's a tough
652
00:35:07,243 --> 00:35:09,245
place to-- for that to happen.
653
00:35:09,383 --> 00:35:11,488
[sportscaster] The worst place.
Now, Diggins has to spend that energy
654
00:35:11,626 --> 00:35:13,283
she would have used
to try to win the race
655
00:35:13,421 --> 00:35:14,871
to just get back into it.
656
00:35:15,941 --> 00:35:18,116
[sportscaster 2] And the concern
too, of not having a glove on
657
00:35:18,254 --> 00:35:19,669
with the cold temperatures.
658
00:35:20,048 --> 00:35:21,533
[sportscaster] Diggins at the
back of that group, still
659
00:35:21,671 --> 00:35:23,362
with a bare hand
before this big climb.
660
00:35:23,500 --> 00:35:26,227
And almost a fall,
but they avoid disaster.
661
00:35:26,538 --> 00:35:27,953
Into the final climb,
they come.
662
00:35:28,091 --> 00:35:29,851
And you can see
the scattering of the athletes.
663
00:35:30,058 --> 00:35:32,613
Diggins on the left! Moving
past the group of people.
664
00:35:32,751 --> 00:35:34,408
So distinctively,
Jessie Diggins
665
00:35:34,546 --> 00:35:36,341
moves right into
the fourth spot.
666
00:35:36,789 --> 00:35:38,826
Now, taking control
on the final climb.
667
00:35:39,033 --> 00:35:40,828
Diggins is going by
on the outside.
668
00:35:41,208 --> 00:35:43,382
And it's-- Oh! It's gonna be
Ilar and Diggins
669
00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:44,935
trying to win this.
670
00:35:45,350 --> 00:35:46,972
Miraculously finding
the energy.
671
00:35:47,559 --> 00:35:50,838
It's gonna be Moa Ilar
first, Diggins second.
672
00:35:51,770 --> 00:35:54,842
A miraculous race
with a broken pole, lost glove.
673
00:35:55,601 --> 00:35:58,156
Diggins has a bloody--
Looks like she's got a bloody lip there.
674
00:35:58,294 --> 00:35:59,502
Something may have happened.
675
00:36:00,192 --> 00:36:01,538
[Jessie panting]
676
00:36:10,720 --> 00:36:12,308
[panting]
677
00:36:16,864 --> 00:36:17,865
[thud echoes]
678
00:36:18,003 --> 00:36:19,763
[dramatic music]
679
00:36:35,883 --> 00:36:37,885
[muffled dialogues]
680
00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:45,513
[music fades]
681
00:37:04,222 --> 00:37:06,603
[Matt] I was concerned
that it took
682
00:37:06,741 --> 00:37:09,019
so many people to, like,
kind of escort Jessie
683
00:37:09,157 --> 00:37:10,262
away from the finish line.
684
00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:12,713
I think that shouldn't happen.
685
00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:17,994
As hard as you go in a race,
686
00:37:18,753 --> 00:37:20,790
that depth of exhaustion
687
00:37:21,515 --> 00:37:23,379
cannot happen week in
and week out
688
00:37:23,517 --> 00:37:26,244
and expect you to get through
even one period.
689
00:37:26,934 --> 00:37:28,384
[melancholic music]
690
00:37:31,525 --> 00:37:32,733
[Jessie] Accidents happen...
691
00:37:33,837 --> 00:37:37,255
...and in that race they did.
692
00:37:39,395 --> 00:37:42,052
But I was really
proud of myself
693
00:37:42,639 --> 00:37:44,607
for doing everything
that I could.
694
00:37:47,195 --> 00:37:49,853
The only way I can cross
that finish line
695
00:37:50,198 --> 00:37:53,098
and look at myself
in the mirror and be proud
696
00:37:53,547 --> 00:37:56,446
is if I know
I gave the best I can.
697
00:37:59,104 --> 00:38:00,899
And that's what I did.
698
00:38:03,591 --> 00:38:04,799
[music fading]
699
00:38:05,075 --> 00:38:06,663
[tense music]
700
00:38:06,905 --> 00:38:08,700
[sportscaster] The
cross-country tour moving to
701
00:38:08,838 --> 00:38:11,668
Gällivare from Ruka,
and bitterly
702
00:38:11,806 --> 00:38:14,706
cold conditions meeting the
athletes in a town
703
00:38:14,844 --> 00:38:16,846
just north
of the Arctic Circle.
704
00:38:17,156 --> 00:38:19,400
[people cheering]
705
00:38:22,161 --> 00:38:24,025
[people cheering]
706
00:38:28,513 --> 00:38:30,963
[Clay] Individual start in
cross-country means that
707
00:38:31,101 --> 00:38:33,966
one athlete starts
every 30 seconds
708
00:38:34,553 --> 00:38:36,900
and that pacing
becomes much more
709
00:38:37,038 --> 00:38:41,008
of a key factor because you are
racing against the clock.
710
00:38:41,767 --> 00:38:43,735
Anybody who's mastered
an individual start
711
00:38:43,873 --> 00:38:45,978
is who knows
their body the best.
712
00:38:46,496 --> 00:38:49,085
[sportscaster] So we take now a
look at Jessie Diggins
713
00:38:49,844 --> 00:38:53,089
in the women's freestyle
10k interval start.
714
00:38:57,507 --> 00:38:59,751
[music continues]
715
00:39:01,615 --> 00:39:04,376
[man over radio] At 3.9k,
Jessie Diggins is in the lead right now,
716
00:39:04,514 --> 00:39:06,551
nine seconds ahead of...
717
00:39:08,415 --> 00:39:10,762
[people cheering]
718
00:39:14,904 --> 00:39:17,631
Come on, Jessie!
You are race lead
719
00:39:17,769 --> 00:39:21,531
by nine seconds!
Race lead by nine!
720
00:39:23,326 --> 00:39:24,879
[Jessie]
I feel in control of me
721
00:39:25,017 --> 00:39:26,605
when I'm on the racecourse.
722
00:39:27,330 --> 00:39:29,712
That's where it's so powerful
and confident
723
00:39:29,850 --> 00:39:31,507
and I know what I'm doing.
724
00:39:32,093 --> 00:39:34,406
And I've never had
any doubt about that.
725
00:39:34,682 --> 00:39:36,546
Come on, let's lead them on 16!
726
00:39:36,753 --> 00:39:39,860
15-second lead,
let's go, kid!
727
00:39:39,998 --> 00:39:41,309
Come on. Up, up!
728
00:39:41,586 --> 00:39:43,450
[speaking foreign language]
729
00:39:46,418 --> 00:39:50,595
[sportscaster] Diggs is turning
the screws right now.
730
00:39:50,836 --> 00:39:53,494
She has increased her lead over
Ebba Andersson
731
00:39:53,632 --> 00:39:55,703
to 19 seconds.
732
00:39:56,083 --> 00:39:57,325
[man on radio]
The 19-second lead is
733
00:39:57,464 --> 00:39:58,948
seven kilometers over Ebba.
734
00:39:59,604 --> 00:40:01,502
Love the, uh,
fourth climb on the hill.
735
00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:02,745
She's looking great.
736
00:40:03,470 --> 00:40:06,162
[announcer] Diggins across the
line and with a time that
737
00:40:06,300 --> 00:40:07,853
no one else will touch.
738
00:40:08,129 --> 00:40:10,856
[sportscaster] End of the lead
by 23.1 seconds.
739
00:40:11,270 --> 00:40:15,551
Jessie Diggins is now your
overall World Cup leader.
740
00:40:15,758 --> 00:40:17,932
- [people cheering]
- [Jessie panting]
741
00:40:18,381 --> 00:40:20,590
[emotional music]
742
00:40:37,711 --> 00:40:40,058
[music fades]
743
00:40:40,196 --> 00:40:41,818
[rhythmic table pounding]
744
00:40:44,614 --> 00:40:46,513
[pace increases]
745
00:40:46,754 --> 00:40:48,929
[people whooping]
746
00:40:50,171 --> 00:40:51,863
[indistinct cheering]
747
00:40:53,968 --> 00:40:56,384
[announcer]
The winner today, from USA,
748
00:40:56,523 --> 00:41:01,113
- Jessie Diggins!
- [crowd cheering]
749
00:41:03,081 --> 00:41:04,634
It seems that you like the cold.
750
00:41:04,772 --> 00:41:06,809
In Ruka, without the glove,
you--
751
00:41:06,947 --> 00:41:09,432
you-- you won second
and here-- you win.
752
00:41:09,674 --> 00:41:11,538
- It's amazing.
- Well, it's a good thing,
753
00:41:11,676 --> 00:41:14,610
we're staying up in the
Arctic Circle for a while then. [chuckles]
754
00:41:16,853 --> 00:41:19,166
[man] Given the struggles
you had this summer,
755
00:41:19,304 --> 00:41:20,961
you were only gonna
focus in-- on
756
00:41:21,099 --> 00:41:22,790
having fun, enjoying racing
757
00:41:22,928 --> 00:41:24,792
and not think about the results.
758
00:41:25,068 --> 00:41:27,208
- But now you're having
great results. - [both chuckle]
759
00:41:27,346 --> 00:41:28,658
- Like how do you manage that?
- [Jessie] Isn't that ironic?
760
00:41:28,796 --> 00:41:30,280
Yeah, exactly.
761
00:41:30,867 --> 00:41:33,870
[Jessie] Yeah, uh, no one's more
surprised than me.
762
00:41:34,008 --> 00:41:36,010
[chuckles]
I can promise you that.
763
00:41:36,355 --> 00:41:37,978
Are you having fun right now?
764
00:41:38,185 --> 00:41:40,498
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
765
00:41:43,328 --> 00:41:45,986
[engine humming]
766
00:42:02,589 --> 00:42:03,797
[brush thuds]
767
00:42:07,870 --> 00:42:10,700
[interviewer] What's one thing
that you have to do pre-race?
768
00:42:13,841 --> 00:42:15,049
The glitter.
769
00:42:15,912 --> 00:42:17,914
And this year
I got some new glitter.
770
00:42:18,225 --> 00:42:19,329
It matches our suit.
771
00:42:19,606 --> 00:42:20,986
It's a little purple.
772
00:42:21,539 --> 00:42:23,541
I'm very excited about it.
773
00:42:24,438 --> 00:42:26,647
Um, so the glitter has to--
774
00:42:26,785 --> 00:42:29,270
And the hair braiding,
two things.
775
00:42:29,892 --> 00:42:32,826
Um, but the glitter is probably
the most important
776
00:42:33,516 --> 00:42:37,693
'cause it's the reminder that
this is supposed to be fun,
777
00:42:38,452 --> 00:42:41,559
and that I get to be here
and I want to do this...
778
00:42:43,043 --> 00:42:44,941
...and it's my choice
to do this.
779
00:42:49,670 --> 00:42:51,569
[soft music]
780
00:42:59,404 --> 00:43:02,441
There's been a lot
of leading questions about
781
00:43:02,580 --> 00:43:04,789
what does it
mean to be in the yellow bib
782
00:43:04,927 --> 00:43:06,963
and "How important
is this to you?"
783
00:43:08,689 --> 00:43:10,829
And I don't really
know how to say it, like...
784
00:43:11,589 --> 00:43:14,868
it creates so much stress
and pressure.
785
00:43:16,145 --> 00:43:18,630
It comes with so many eyes
786
00:43:19,182 --> 00:43:22,082
and so many interviews
and so many cameras.
787
00:43:23,290 --> 00:43:29,330
And I feel so incredibly
watched all the time.
788
00:43:30,918 --> 00:43:32,920
[music continues]
789
00:43:33,196 --> 00:43:35,095
[Matt] When I would have a
conversation with Jessie
790
00:43:35,233 --> 00:43:39,824
during the week, I wasn't
getting the Jessie that I knew.
791
00:43:42,102 --> 00:43:44,104
She didn't sound like an Olympic
gold medalist.
792
00:43:44,242 --> 00:43:47,935
She sounded like
she was super nervous
793
00:43:48,073 --> 00:43:51,249
and almost like she
hadn't done this before.
794
00:43:53,009 --> 00:43:55,978
She seemed
to be compensating...
795
00:43:56,806 --> 00:43:58,049
for something.
796
00:43:59,637 --> 00:44:01,155
[melancholic music]
797
00:44:05,504 --> 00:44:07,403
[distant cheering]
798
00:44:13,409 --> 00:44:15,756
[skis rattle]
799
00:44:17,240 --> 00:44:19,139
[people cheering]
800
00:44:21,624 --> 00:44:24,144
[sportscaster] This is something
Jessie has always been good at.
801
00:44:24,282 --> 00:44:26,940
[sportscaster 2] Yeah, 10k free
is her best event.
802
00:44:27,078 --> 00:44:28,804
She is the defending world
champion,
803
00:44:28,942 --> 00:44:30,460
which she won by a
clear margin
804
00:44:30,598 --> 00:44:32,048
in Planica last year.
805
00:44:35,155 --> 00:44:36,812
[man] I think Jessie Diggins'
performance
806
00:44:36,950 --> 00:44:38,952
is one that makes
you sit up and go, "Wow,
807
00:44:39,090 --> 00:44:40,885
that's pretty spectacular."
808
00:44:41,644 --> 00:44:43,335
She has more pain tolerance
809
00:44:43,473 --> 00:44:46,062
or doesn't feel the pain
that other people do.
810
00:44:46,580 --> 00:44:48,478
[music continues]
811
00:44:51,412 --> 00:44:53,725
[announcer] And the winner of
the race once again
812
00:44:54,001 --> 00:44:57,315
- from the United States,
[indistinct] - [air horn blares]
813
00:44:57,453 --> 00:45:00,698
- Jessie Diggins!
- [people cheering]
814
00:45:00,836 --> 00:45:02,976
[cowbells ringing]
815
00:45:04,667 --> 00:45:06,738
[interviewer] Tell us a little
bit about the race today.
816
00:45:07,394 --> 00:45:09,292
[Jessie] Yeah, I felt like I was
flying out there.
817
00:45:09,430 --> 00:45:12,157
That was-- That was so fun.
Those downhills were amazing.
818
00:45:12,502 --> 00:45:14,919
So I'm gonna be colorblind
and not look
819
00:45:15,057 --> 00:45:17,024
at what color the bib is and
just say, "I don't care.
820
00:45:17,162 --> 00:45:18,094
I'm just gonna go out there
and have fun."
821
00:45:18,232 --> 00:45:19,475
[indistinct dialogue]
822
00:45:20,372 --> 00:45:21,926
[man] How did you feel
out there?
823
00:45:22,961 --> 00:45:25,343
That was really fun, um...
824
00:45:26,862 --> 00:45:28,691
- It--
- [woman speaking indistinctly]
825
00:45:28,829 --> 00:45:30,382
Thank you. [chuckles]
826
00:45:30,520 --> 00:45:31,729
Um...
827
00:45:32,730 --> 00:45:34,939
[stammers] Such a fun course.
828
00:45:35,387 --> 00:45:37,320
And I saw you give Matt a big
old smile.
829
00:45:37,458 --> 00:45:38,977
[laughs]
830
00:45:39,391 --> 00:45:41,704
Yeah, that's my new thing
this year
831
00:45:41,842 --> 00:45:43,913
is trying to smile more
mid-race.
832
00:45:44,051 --> 00:45:46,226
Um, it's working out for me.
833
00:45:47,745 --> 00:45:49,125
[indistinct radio chatter]
834
00:45:49,332 --> 00:45:51,058
Okay.
835
00:45:55,649 --> 00:45:56,857
[faint cheering]
836
00:45:59,239 --> 00:46:02,104
[Matt] Something Jessie has
always said to me...
837
00:46:03,105 --> 00:46:06,108
...is that, "When
I'm in a bad place,
838
00:46:06,936 --> 00:46:09,421
I can be the world's best liar.
839
00:46:09,870 --> 00:46:12,114
I will make you think
that I'm okay
840
00:46:12,252 --> 00:46:13,978
and that I'm not struggling."
841
00:46:16,394 --> 00:46:18,396
I felt like this was
one of those times.
842
00:46:20,536 --> 00:46:22,676
And I don't know
that she saw that,
843
00:46:22,814 --> 00:46:26,922
but I definitely felt like
I was getting a mask.
844
00:46:28,544 --> 00:46:30,822
Other people were picking up
on that, too.
845
00:46:31,443 --> 00:46:32,997
[pensive music]
846
00:46:48,322 --> 00:46:50,738
[Jessie] I had a lot
of people bring up
847
00:46:50,877 --> 00:46:52,775
concerns
to me in the last week,
848
00:46:53,327 --> 00:46:57,021
like, "You don't look good,
849
00:46:57,159 --> 00:46:58,367
you look sick."
850
00:47:00,852 --> 00:47:03,027
It was hard to hear because
851
00:47:03,821 --> 00:47:06,271
I felt fine.
852
00:47:06,651 --> 00:47:08,895
And I'm someone who's really
in tune with my body,
853
00:47:09,033 --> 00:47:10,413
It's my job to be.
854
00:47:11,621 --> 00:47:14,486
If I wasn't doing well,
my body would tell me.
855
00:47:16,385 --> 00:47:18,905
I don't see someone
who looks sick.
856
00:47:19,043 --> 00:47:21,079
I see someone who looks like
they can
857
00:47:21,390 --> 00:47:23,495
go out there
and crush a ski race.
858
00:47:26,671 --> 00:47:29,191
And it's made me incredibly
self-conscious.
859
00:47:30,675 --> 00:47:33,436
And... I have started to
860
00:47:33,574 --> 00:47:36,992
pull away and isolate myself
from my teammates.
861
00:47:38,234 --> 00:47:39,857
[indistinct chatter]
862
00:47:40,443 --> 00:47:42,307
Jessie stayed in first,
of course.
863
00:47:42,480 --> 00:47:46,070
- [people pounding on table,
whooping] - [indistinct dialogue]
864
00:47:47,968 --> 00:47:49,487
[inaudible]
865
00:47:54,181 --> 00:47:55,631
[music fading]
866
00:47:55,769 --> 00:47:59,600
[man] The very first time
I met Jessie in 2011...
867
00:48:00,878 --> 00:48:04,605
...she had mentioned that
she had some body image issues.
868
00:48:05,641 --> 00:48:08,230
And, uh, at the time,
we were just like,
869
00:48:08,368 --> 00:48:09,887
"Well, I don't know what
the problem is." I mean, like,
870
00:48:10,025 --> 00:48:11,854
"Your racing weight looks good,
don't worry about it."
871
00:48:11,992 --> 00:48:14,201
And we just kind of were like,
[whooshes] like, "You're fine."
872
00:48:16,479 --> 00:48:20,104
We can't afford
to make these mistakes again.
873
00:48:21,277 --> 00:48:23,486
So in Trondheim,
874
00:48:23,728 --> 00:48:25,695
we got her a Body Comp.
875
00:48:45,232 --> 00:48:46,682
[woman] I'm gonna
take your feet, we're gonna
876
00:48:46,820 --> 00:48:48,753
spread them apart. And then
I'm gonna put a strap
877
00:48:48,891 --> 00:48:50,444
to help keep that position.
878
00:48:51,100 --> 00:48:54,276
We are going to scan
your left hip first.
879
00:48:58,280 --> 00:49:00,178
I'm sorry, I have to have
a weight, just guess,
880
00:49:00,316 --> 00:49:01,800
it doesn't have to be precise.
881
00:49:01,939 --> 00:49:03,595
What, like 120, 11 to 18?
882
00:49:03,733 --> 00:49:05,632
- Sure... Yeah.
- [woman] I mean, you're tiny.
883
00:49:10,878 --> 00:49:12,087
[machine whirring]
884
00:49:16,367 --> 00:49:17,885
[unsettling music]
885
00:49:18,024 --> 00:49:21,406
[Jason] The results of the comp
were shocking,
886
00:49:22,373 --> 00:49:23,995
lower than anticipated.
887
00:49:24,478 --> 00:49:26,584
And people on the medical team
were like...
888
00:49:27,481 --> 00:49:29,069
"...That's too many red flags."
889
00:49:38,182 --> 00:49:40,667
[Matt] Her body's right
on the razor's edge right now.
890
00:49:41,737 --> 00:49:45,465
And she could
harm herself long-term.
891
00:49:47,674 --> 00:49:52,023
We told her that, "You're not
going to continue to ski.
892
00:49:52,782 --> 00:49:54,232
That is gonna ruin you.
893
00:49:54,819 --> 00:49:57,063
You will not make it
to the end of the winter.
894
00:49:57,995 --> 00:50:01,584
You've asked us to stop you
when you're sick...
895
00:50:03,241 --> 00:50:05,002
...we think
you're sick right now."
896
00:50:05,968 --> 00:50:08,488
[echoed tapping]
897
00:50:11,008 --> 00:50:12,216
[music fades]
898
00:50:13,527 --> 00:50:15,529
[Jessie]
Last night, I had a dream.
899
00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:20,293
I was in a hospital,
900
00:50:21,052 --> 00:50:23,986
walking down a hall
with a lot of people around me,
901
00:50:24,124 --> 00:50:26,644
and we turned into a room.
902
00:50:28,094 --> 00:50:30,579
And there was this...
903
00:50:31,925 --> 00:50:34,859
...big chair that had...
904
00:50:35,584 --> 00:50:38,690
all these straps
on it and, like,
905
00:50:39,346 --> 00:50:42,798
buckles that would go around
your wrists
906
00:50:43,833 --> 00:50:45,663
and your feet.
907
00:50:46,181 --> 00:50:47,354
And...
908
00:50:48,079 --> 00:50:50,219
it became really
obvious to me that
909
00:50:50,530 --> 00:50:51,945
they were about to...
910
00:50:52,842 --> 00:50:56,294
...strap me down and feed me
through a tube.
911
00:50:56,846 --> 00:50:59,159
And I started screaming
and kicking
912
00:50:59,297 --> 00:51:00,505
and then I woke up.
913
00:51:01,886 --> 00:51:04,682
And I was curled up in such
a tight ball that
914
00:51:04,958 --> 00:51:07,512
every muscle [chuckles]
in my body hurt.
915
00:51:08,858 --> 00:51:10,929
And that was 3 a.m.
And I couldn't really
916
00:51:11,068 --> 00:51:13,208
get back to sleep after that.
917
00:51:16,452 --> 00:51:18,213
[sighs] I'm...
918
00:51:18,351 --> 00:51:20,215
having these nightmares...
919
00:51:21,768 --> 00:51:22,872
...because...
920
00:51:23,908 --> 00:51:28,050
...I feel like decisions are
being made about my body
921
00:51:28,326 --> 00:51:29,879
without me in the room.
922
00:51:31,398 --> 00:51:33,262
And that's...
923
00:51:34,470 --> 00:51:36,162
...been really scary for me,
924
00:51:36,300 --> 00:51:38,371
not feeling any control.
925
00:51:38,854 --> 00:51:40,442
[melancholic music]
926
00:51:41,477 --> 00:51:43,893
Like, please don't
take this from me.
927
00:51:45,481 --> 00:51:49,934
I don't want
my career to just... end,
928
00:51:50,521 --> 00:51:51,763
not like this.
929
00:51:57,597 --> 00:51:59,012
[Deb] She called us to tell us
930
00:51:59,599 --> 00:52:02,360
that she couldn't
continue skiing,
931
00:52:04,397 --> 00:52:07,331
and I was worried.
932
00:52:08,987 --> 00:52:11,093
You know, as a parent,
you can kinda see
933
00:52:11,231 --> 00:52:12,646
there's a car crash coming.
934
00:52:17,272 --> 00:52:18,480
When Jess was 18...
935
00:52:19,826 --> 00:52:23,105
...one day she
came up for breakfast
936
00:52:23,243 --> 00:52:25,003
and she had
a broken blood vessel
937
00:52:25,142 --> 00:52:27,282
in one of her eyes, and...
938
00:52:28,455 --> 00:52:30,492
I was like,
"How did that happen?"
939
00:52:30,630 --> 00:52:33,115
And the story didn't make sense,
940
00:52:33,564 --> 00:52:37,361
and somehow things
started to fill in.
941
00:52:39,294 --> 00:52:41,572
[sister] Jessie and my mom
were speaking in the bathroom
942
00:52:41,710 --> 00:52:43,125
and she was crying.
943
00:52:43,263 --> 00:52:45,472
And I was like, "Mom,
what's going on?"
944
00:52:46,542 --> 00:52:47,716
And she started crying,
and, like,
945
00:52:47,854 --> 00:52:49,476
my parents
don't really cry a lot.
946
00:52:49,614 --> 00:52:51,064
So then I went, um, and then
947
00:52:51,202 --> 00:52:53,377
I held her and we just cried
together for a minute.
948
00:52:54,101 --> 00:52:55,137
Um--
949
00:52:55,620 --> 00:52:57,553
And that was when I was like...
950
00:52:59,245 --> 00:53:00,729
"...Okay, this is
really serious."
951
00:53:02,455 --> 00:53:04,250
[Deb] I don't know how I knew
952
00:53:04,388 --> 00:53:06,355
that maybe that was a sign of
953
00:53:06,493 --> 00:53:07,701
vomiting, but
954
00:53:07,839 --> 00:53:09,876
all of a sudden
I just kinda went,
955
00:53:10,187 --> 00:53:12,361
"Oh, this is really bad", you
know? And--
956
00:53:12,499 --> 00:53:14,432
And so I-- I just sat her
down right there
957
00:53:14,570 --> 00:53:16,745
and discussed
going to treatment.
958
00:53:18,471 --> 00:53:21,128
[Jessie] And I...
was in complete denial
959
00:53:21,267 --> 00:53:22,302
that I needed help.
960
00:53:22,475 --> 00:53:24,131
[music continues]
961
00:53:24,408 --> 00:53:26,962
And going to therapy when
you don't really want to talk
962
00:53:27,100 --> 00:53:28,860
and you're not really
interested in recovery
963
00:53:28,998 --> 00:53:30,448
doesn't really work.
964
00:53:32,139 --> 00:53:33,762
[Deb] She was seeing
this therapist,
965
00:53:33,900 --> 00:53:36,178
but she actually wasn't
really getting better.
966
00:53:36,385 --> 00:53:39,940
And she was engaging in more
and more destructive...
967
00:53:40,078 --> 00:53:41,390
behavior.
968
00:53:42,426 --> 00:53:43,910
I just sort of bluffed
969
00:53:44,048 --> 00:53:46,913
my way through it
while I got sicker and sicker.
970
00:53:49,364 --> 00:53:50,675
At my very sickest,
971
00:53:51,124 --> 00:53:53,540
I would throw up my breakfast,
my lunch and my dinner.
972
00:53:54,300 --> 00:53:58,407
And I was still going out and
training twice a day for hours.
973
00:53:59,270 --> 00:54:01,548
And I could feel my heart,
974
00:54:01,790 --> 00:54:04,517
like, hammering
against my ribs.
975
00:54:05,207 --> 00:54:07,934
My body couldn't take this,
976
00:54:08,762 --> 00:54:11,282
and I still had
that voice saying,
977
00:54:11,696 --> 00:54:13,560
like, "You still need
to go train," like,
978
00:54:13,698 --> 00:54:16,080
"You still can't be allowed
979
00:54:16,218 --> 00:54:17,219
to keep your lunch down."
980
00:54:17,357 --> 00:54:18,669
Like, "You still can't."
981
00:54:19,635 --> 00:54:21,706
Just, "You can't,
you can't, you can't." [sighs]
982
00:54:22,155 --> 00:54:23,329
All the time.
983
00:54:24,571 --> 00:54:26,159
[Deb] She was having
some workouts where
984
00:54:26,297 --> 00:54:29,645
she was really shaky
afterwards and jittery.
985
00:54:31,095 --> 00:54:33,580
They did some testing and said,
986
00:54:33,787 --> 00:54:35,858
"With the test results
that we have,
987
00:54:36,134 --> 00:54:38,792
you are, uh-- verge of
imminent heart attack.
988
00:54:38,999 --> 00:54:41,830
You should not be upright,
much less working out."
989
00:54:42,071 --> 00:54:43,314
[music continues]
990
00:54:43,659 --> 00:54:45,972
[indistinct dialogues]
991
00:54:46,662 --> 00:54:48,181
[man] Hi, Jess!
992
00:54:48,423 --> 00:54:49,976
[indistinct dialogue]
993
00:54:50,148 --> 00:54:52,219
[indistinct dialogue]
994
00:54:53,117 --> 00:54:55,464
[woman] The risk for death
from eating disorders
995
00:54:55,602 --> 00:54:57,673
is rampantly too high.
996
00:54:59,157 --> 00:55:00,711
Living with an eating disorder
997
00:55:00,849 --> 00:55:02,644
is living with
a ticking time bomb.
998
00:55:02,920 --> 00:55:04,749
[anchor]
An American gymnast has died
999
00:55:05,025 --> 00:55:07,856
after a battle with anorexia
nervosa and bulimia.
1000
00:55:07,994 --> 00:55:10,203
[anchor 2] TJ's heart
gave out on Valentine's Day.
1001
00:55:10,341 --> 00:55:11,618
He was a star athlete.
1002
00:55:11,756 --> 00:55:13,448
[anchor 3] Undereating is a
common
1003
00:55:13,586 --> 00:55:15,001
and growing problem.
1004
00:55:15,139 --> 00:55:17,624
[woman] ...motivated
by athletic performance.
1005
00:55:17,762 --> 00:55:19,039
[woman 2]
It becomes an addiction.
1006
00:55:19,177 --> 00:55:20,696
[woman]
And it's not getting better,
1007
00:55:20,834 --> 00:55:22,388
it's getting worse.
1008
00:55:22,698 --> 00:55:24,113
[music fades]
1009
00:55:26,840 --> 00:55:29,947
You can wake up one morning
and feel reasonably fine,
1010
00:55:30,465 --> 00:55:32,950
and you can do the same
behaviors you did yesterday
1011
00:55:33,088 --> 00:55:34,814
and that you plan
to do tomorrow,
1012
00:55:35,228 --> 00:55:36,609
and you could die that day.
1013
00:55:38,093 --> 00:55:39,715
[melancholic music]
1014
00:55:41,130 --> 00:55:42,615
[Deb] I would wake up
at night thinking,
1015
00:55:42,753 --> 00:55:44,375
"I wonder
if she's still alive."
1016
00:55:44,996 --> 00:55:47,136
And go up and check on her
in her bedroom
1017
00:55:47,274 --> 00:55:50,001
because I felt like,
you know, any morning
1018
00:55:50,139 --> 00:55:53,695
I could wake up and, and--
Jessie would be gone.
1019
00:55:56,353 --> 00:56:00,322
I called the intake program
and was told, "She's 18.
1020
00:56:00,564 --> 00:56:01,668
This has to come from her,
1021
00:56:01,806 --> 00:56:03,118
there's nothing you can do."
1022
00:56:06,949 --> 00:56:09,055
[Jessie] My mom had done
a bunch of research
1023
00:56:09,193 --> 00:56:12,576
and said, like, "There's
this recovery center.
1024
00:56:13,266 --> 00:56:14,647
Please just do this for me."
1025
00:56:14,785 --> 00:56:16,338
Like, "I will hold your hand.
1026
00:56:16,476 --> 00:56:20,066
I will dial the numbers and
press the green button."
1027
00:56:20,204 --> 00:56:23,138
And I really fought it.
1028
00:56:24,450 --> 00:56:26,452
But then I-- [sighs]
1029
00:56:26,935 --> 00:56:30,697
I agreed just to appease them.
1030
00:56:31,077 --> 00:56:32,112
[music continues]
1031
00:56:35,357 --> 00:56:38,533
It was like a full-time job,
like, I would show up at 8 a.m.
1032
00:56:39,396 --> 00:56:41,190
And you had
your individual therapist
1033
00:56:41,328 --> 00:56:43,572
and then there were
group therapy sessions.
1034
00:56:45,091 --> 00:56:48,681
We talked about those
deepest fears and the way
1035
00:56:48,819 --> 00:56:52,063
that I hated myself and the way
I saw myself, and...
1036
00:56:52,201 --> 00:56:55,377
turns out a lot of the
things that I said to myself,
1037
00:56:55,964 --> 00:56:57,931
these other women were like,
"Yeah, I get that.
1038
00:56:58,069 --> 00:56:59,554
You don't need
to say that to yourself,
1039
00:56:59,692 --> 00:57:01,418
you're worth so much more."
1040
00:57:03,696 --> 00:57:04,938
And...
1041
00:57:05,594 --> 00:57:07,596
I remember getting up
1042
00:57:08,183 --> 00:57:10,116
and, like,
quietly leaving the room,
1043
00:57:10,254 --> 00:57:11,393
like, shutting the door
1044
00:57:11,842 --> 00:57:13,533
and then running
to the locker room
1045
00:57:13,671 --> 00:57:16,433
and just sitting on
the floor and sobbing.
1046
00:57:16,674 --> 00:57:19,228
Because a total stranger
1047
00:57:19,470 --> 00:57:22,404
in five seconds had shown me
more compassion
1048
00:57:22,749 --> 00:57:24,855
than I had shown
myself in the last year.
1049
00:57:25,096 --> 00:57:26,132
[music continues]
1050
00:57:28,445 --> 00:57:29,894
I felt like I was
never gonna be able
1051
00:57:30,032 --> 00:57:31,655
to do the same for myself.
1052
00:57:38,972 --> 00:57:40,111
[Deb] At that time,
1053
00:57:40,526 --> 00:57:43,149
Clay's father
suddenly became very ill.
1054
00:57:44,668 --> 00:57:47,498
And we ended up finding out
1055
00:57:47,636 --> 00:57:49,431
that he had advanced cancer
1056
00:57:49,569 --> 00:57:51,571
that had been undetected.
1057
00:57:52,469 --> 00:57:54,022
And so, all of a sudden,
1058
00:57:54,160 --> 00:57:55,817
while this was
going on with Jessie,
1059
00:57:55,955 --> 00:57:58,371
we were taking care of Clay's
dad who was...
1060
00:57:58,647 --> 00:57:59,855
clearly dying.
1061
00:58:02,064 --> 00:58:03,928
[Jessie]
He had days left to live
1062
00:58:04,066 --> 00:58:05,827
and we all took turns
1063
00:58:06,172 --> 00:58:07,207
sleeping there.
1064
00:58:08,415 --> 00:58:10,797
And when it was my turn to spend
the night in the hospital,
1065
00:58:10,935 --> 00:58:12,661
I remember when he woke up
in so much pain
1066
00:58:12,799 --> 00:58:14,594
in the middle of the
night and feeling like
1067
00:58:14,732 --> 00:58:17,148
there's nothing I can do
to make this better.
1068
00:58:20,566 --> 00:58:23,672
That was the only time
my dad showed pain.
1069
00:58:25,018 --> 00:58:27,711
The only time
my dad ever cried.
1070
00:58:29,436 --> 00:58:30,645
[music continues]
1071
00:58:31,991 --> 00:58:33,579
And I realized that,
that's what
1072
00:58:33,717 --> 00:58:35,615
I was putting
my family through.
1073
00:58:37,030 --> 00:58:39,861
They were seeing me
destroying myself...
1074
00:58:41,069 --> 00:58:43,589
...and there was nothing
they could do to help me.
1075
00:58:44,313 --> 00:58:47,420
If I don't stop,
if I keep going like this,
1076
00:58:47,558 --> 00:58:49,698
it might be a week.
1077
00:58:50,112 --> 00:58:53,219
It might be months, it might be
a year, it might be years,
1078
00:58:53,460 --> 00:58:55,014
but eventually, I will die.
1079
00:58:55,877 --> 00:58:58,742
And I can't put them
through this.
1080
00:59:00,537 --> 00:59:01,986
[pensive music]
1081
00:59:10,823 --> 00:59:13,860
[Deb] Being unsure if she was
able to continue racing,
1082
00:59:14,171 --> 00:59:16,173
I called up the
head of the Emily program
1083
00:59:16,311 --> 00:59:19,383
who I'd come to know
over the years and said,
1084
00:59:19,556 --> 00:59:20,798
"We need some help."
1085
00:59:23,456 --> 00:59:27,702
Jessie needed to get into some
really expert care.
1086
00:59:28,254 --> 00:59:31,291
She'd been trying
to find her way
1087
00:59:31,429 --> 00:59:33,673
out of this relapse with help,
1088
00:59:33,811 --> 00:59:35,054
but not with
1089
00:59:35,502 --> 00:59:37,746
the expert help that she needed.
1090
00:59:40,059 --> 00:59:42,026
[Matt] What we should
have done is had that
1091
00:59:42,164 --> 00:59:44,166
specialist in place beforehand.
1092
00:59:45,858 --> 00:59:47,929
That person was brought in and
1093
00:59:48,101 --> 00:59:51,449
she made a plan with Jessie and
got us all on board with it.
1094
00:59:52,174 --> 00:59:55,281
So that Jessie
could have this chance
1095
00:59:55,419 --> 00:59:56,765
over Christmas
1096
00:59:57,490 --> 00:59:59,872
to get herself back on track.
1097
01:00:03,047 --> 01:00:08,018
[Jessie] I didn't realize that
my body was getting so small.
1098
01:00:09,364 --> 01:00:11,400
Because when
I look in the mirror,
1099
01:00:11,538 --> 01:00:14,541
what I see isn't what
other people see.
1100
01:00:15,197 --> 01:00:18,580
And that's a part of my brain
that's always been there.
1101
01:00:18,718 --> 01:00:19,961
[music fades]
1102
01:00:20,755 --> 01:00:22,826
Now that I know how bad it is,
1103
01:00:23,412 --> 01:00:26,899
I realize that
where I'm at is not okay.
1104
01:00:28,590 --> 01:00:31,041
And I want to get better.
1105
01:00:34,561 --> 01:00:36,011
[soft music]
1106
01:00:43,605 --> 01:00:45,262
[indistinct dialogue]
1107
01:00:45,469 --> 01:00:47,022
- Let me, um--
- Am I doing this wrong?
1108
01:00:47,160 --> 01:00:49,438
No, I'm directing you to--
to dairy-free sauce.
1109
01:00:49,576 --> 01:00:51,924
- [gasp]
- But I've got some more noodles cooking for you.
1110
01:00:52,062 --> 01:00:53,822
- Okay.
- Rice noodles are there, start with...
1111
01:00:53,960 --> 01:00:55,375
- Um...
- [Jennifer] If a patient says,
1112
01:00:55,513 --> 01:00:57,412
"Well, I would
like to be able to compete
1113
01:00:57,550 --> 01:00:59,794
in the next event
that I have coming up."
1114
01:01:00,208 --> 01:01:02,175
You say, "Okay, to do that,
1115
01:01:02,659 --> 01:01:05,075
you need to be able
to rest more than you are
1116
01:01:05,316 --> 01:01:07,077
and you need to be able
to nourish better,
1117
01:01:07,215 --> 01:01:09,148
and your dietician is gonna
tell you exactly how."
1118
01:01:09,389 --> 01:01:11,702
That's what the ticket
to ride looks like.
1119
01:01:16,673 --> 01:01:19,745
[Jessie] I have to take pictures
of all the food that I eat
1120
01:01:19,883 --> 01:01:22,126
and send it as proof
1121
01:01:22,264 --> 01:01:25,612
that I'm doing
what I need to be doing.
1122
01:01:26,061 --> 01:01:28,477
And that is incredibly
socially awkward.
1123
01:01:31,688 --> 01:01:35,001
But I'm going to do
whatever I have to do.
1124
01:01:42,112 --> 01:01:44,079
[Clay] And I think she knew
1125
01:01:44,286 --> 01:01:45,805
this is not something that
1126
01:01:45,943 --> 01:01:47,531
you just snap your fingers
1127
01:01:47,807 --> 01:01:49,291
and it's solved.
1128
01:01:49,775 --> 01:01:52,294
It's that, "Okay,
I have to work on this.
1129
01:01:52,432 --> 01:01:53,468
I need support."
1130
01:01:55,712 --> 01:01:58,059
So we made the decision.
1131
01:01:59,060 --> 01:02:01,476
We went and--
and spent Christmas
1132
01:02:01,614 --> 01:02:04,099
um, in Italy with her.
1133
01:02:04,617 --> 01:02:05,583
[Jessie] Okay.
1134
01:02:05,722 --> 01:02:07,827
[indistinct dialogues]
1135
01:02:10,416 --> 01:02:11,969
[Deb] In my mind, I was like,
1136
01:02:12,142 --> 01:02:13,799
"Jessie needs us and she is not
1137
01:02:13,937 --> 01:02:15,524
gonna spend Christmas alone."
1138
01:02:15,662 --> 01:02:18,424
[indistinct dialogues]
1139
01:02:18,942 --> 01:02:22,808
It was pretty emotional to
be able to just be together.
1140
01:02:23,532 --> 01:02:25,189
And I think, you know,
1141
01:02:25,327 --> 01:02:27,295
at that point,
Jessie really needed that.
1142
01:02:27,605 --> 01:02:28,814
[inaudible dialogue]
1143
01:02:29,331 --> 01:02:30,954
[music continues]
1144
01:02:34,612 --> 01:02:36,994
- [rustling]
- [man] You're gonna put all five of them?
1145
01:02:37,201 --> 01:02:38,582
- Yeah? Let's do it.
- [overlapping dialogues]
1146
01:02:38,824 --> 01:02:39,928
- That one's a little-bitty one.
- [overlapping dialogues]
1147
01:02:40,066 --> 01:02:41,412
We'll do it.
1148
01:02:42,551 --> 01:02:44,830
[Matt stammers] It would-- just
felt like a sigh of relief
1149
01:02:44,968 --> 01:02:47,453
to see her with her family...
1150
01:02:47,902 --> 01:02:49,248
- Two more?
- No, no.
1151
01:02:49,386 --> 01:02:50,594
- We-- let's stick with that.
- I feel like...
1152
01:02:50,732 --> 01:02:52,941
...her face looked...
1153
01:02:54,184 --> 01:02:55,150
...happy to me.
1154
01:02:55,288 --> 01:02:57,187
[overlapping dialogues]
1155
01:02:57,359 --> 01:02:59,568
[Jessie] I started to feel
like I can do this.
1156
01:03:02,709 --> 01:03:04,815
I was waiting
on blood labs to come back
1157
01:03:04,953 --> 01:03:06,368
and a bone scan to come back...
1158
01:03:07,473 --> 01:03:10,959
...and everything came back
looking better.
1159
01:03:14,100 --> 01:03:15,688
My doctor,
1160
01:03:16,033 --> 01:03:17,897
she said, "You can start
to ski again,
1161
01:03:18,070 --> 01:03:19,968
as long as you are progressing
1162
01:03:20,106 --> 01:03:21,936
and moving
in the right direction."
1163
01:03:24,628 --> 01:03:27,907
[Matt] And so...
we started to feel that
1164
01:03:28,459 --> 01:03:32,429
if Jessie can continue
to work with her doctors...
1165
01:03:34,638 --> 01:03:35,915
...we've gotta let her race.
1166
01:03:39,608 --> 01:03:41,887
[Jennifer]
I always remind my patients
1167
01:03:42,439 --> 01:03:43,923
that eating disorder recovery
1168
01:03:44,061 --> 01:03:45,580
is really, really hard.
1169
01:03:46,753 --> 01:03:48,997
Your digestion's
likely slowed down,
1170
01:03:49,204 --> 01:03:51,758
you're feeling full,
you're feeling bloated.
1171
01:03:52,449 --> 01:03:54,727
It's also really
psychologically painful
1172
01:03:55,486 --> 01:03:57,834
because the eating disorder
voice can get louder
1173
01:03:57,972 --> 01:03:59,456
in those first eight weeks
1174
01:03:59,766 --> 01:04:02,010
in ways that are excruciating.
1175
01:04:02,252 --> 01:04:04,254
[soft, hopeful music]
1176
01:04:04,461 --> 01:04:06,187
[sportscaster] The Tour de Ski
stages a whopping
1177
01:04:06,325 --> 01:04:08,499
seven races over nine days.
1178
01:04:08,741 --> 01:04:11,019
- It is a grueling
multi-day feat. - [high-pitched yell]
1179
01:04:11,951 --> 01:04:14,264
[sportscaster 2] Three-time
Olympic medalist Jessie Diggins
1180
01:04:14,402 --> 01:04:15,852
approached this
year's Tour de Ski
1181
01:04:15,990 --> 01:04:19,338
with a whole lot of guts
and a big work ethic.
1182
01:04:19,476 --> 01:04:20,891
[panting]
1183
01:04:24,101 --> 01:04:25,965
[interviewer] The Swedish TV,
they noticed that you are
1184
01:04:26,103 --> 01:04:28,071
talking to yourself
during the race.
1185
01:04:28,209 --> 01:04:29,727
What are you doing out there?
1186
01:04:29,969 --> 01:04:32,696
Wow, I really didn't think
people were gonna pick up on that.
1187
01:04:33,007 --> 01:04:34,594
[woman whooping]
1188
01:04:34,974 --> 01:04:36,976
[indistinct overlapping
cheering]
1189
01:04:38,115 --> 01:04:40,462
[announcer speaking
foreign language]
1190
01:04:40,877 --> 01:04:42,430
[people cheering]
1191
01:04:47,884 --> 01:04:49,506
[inaudible dialogues]
1192
01:04:49,816 --> 01:04:51,094
[Jessie] When I was younger,
1193
01:04:51,577 --> 01:04:54,649
I think I had this idea that it
was going to be this perfect
1194
01:04:54,787 --> 01:04:56,616
linear line to recovery.
1195
01:04:57,514 --> 01:05:00,103
"Couple weeks, bam, I'll be
out of here. It'll be good."
1196
01:05:01,069 --> 01:05:02,312
And it's not like that,
1197
01:05:03,175 --> 01:05:06,350
it's two steps forward,
one step back.
1198
01:05:06,833 --> 01:05:08,697
It's this constant effort.
1199
01:05:11,010 --> 01:05:13,116
Sometimes it's a battle to just
1200
01:05:13,254 --> 01:05:15,221
- go through one day.
- [muffled thud]
1201
01:05:16,119 --> 01:05:18,569
Are you able to be describe
when the...
1202
01:05:18,707 --> 01:05:19,881
eating disorder came back,
1203
01:05:20,019 --> 01:05:22,021
and how you're struggling?
1204
01:05:22,677 --> 01:05:24,230
[music continues]
1205
01:05:24,748 --> 01:05:26,474
[helicopter whirring]
1206
01:05:27,958 --> 01:05:29,995
[Jessie panting]
1207
01:05:40,937 --> 01:05:42,352
[panting echoes]
1208
01:05:42,559 --> 01:05:43,594
[crowd cheering]
1209
01:05:47,495 --> 01:05:49,324
[cheering increases, then halts]
1210
01:05:51,119 --> 01:05:54,191
[indistinct dialogues]
1211
01:06:01,612 --> 01:06:02,993
[interviewer]
How are you doing?
1212
01:06:05,927 --> 01:06:07,135
[Jessie] I don't know.
1213
01:06:08,378 --> 01:06:10,242
I just feel like...
1214
01:06:12,209 --> 01:06:14,246
"Wow", like
I really have to fight
1215
01:06:14,384 --> 01:06:16,731
every single day
to keep this going.
1216
01:06:18,871 --> 01:06:20,528
It's just, like--
1217
01:06:21,736 --> 01:06:22,944
It's just a lot.
1218
01:06:23,082 --> 01:06:24,739
Like, my stomach hurts
all the time.
1219
01:06:24,877 --> 01:06:26,568
I'm not sleeping.
1220
01:06:27,293 --> 01:06:29,640
I'm, like, hot all the time.
[chuckles]
1221
01:06:29,778 --> 01:06:31,504
Like my body's just going.
1222
01:06:31,884 --> 01:06:34,093
Um, and it can't
turn itself off.
1223
01:06:34,507 --> 01:06:37,131
And so, it just feels like--
1224
01:06:38,270 --> 01:06:40,168
you're just, like...
1225
01:06:42,101 --> 01:06:43,378
I don't know.
1226
01:06:49,453 --> 01:06:51,248
Yeah, I don't-- I don't know.
1227
01:06:59,774 --> 01:07:00,809
Sorry.
1228
01:07:01,603 --> 01:07:03,709
[sighs]
1229
01:07:08,748 --> 01:07:10,164
[pensive music]
1230
01:07:14,202 --> 01:07:15,686
[sportscaster] The final
stop before the World Cup
1231
01:07:15,824 --> 01:07:17,378
heads to the US
for the first time
1232
01:07:17,516 --> 01:07:19,104
in over two decades
1233
01:07:19,242 --> 01:07:21,485
here at the
Canmore Nordic Center.
1234
01:07:22,038 --> 01:07:24,488
And there is Jessie Diggins
1235
01:07:24,626 --> 01:07:27,353
hoping to find
the podium today.
1236
01:07:28,044 --> 01:07:29,252
[sportscaster 2] Jessie Diggins,
1237
01:07:29,804 --> 01:07:30,977
long season for her,
1238
01:07:31,495 --> 01:07:32,910
but she has managed to avoid
1239
01:07:33,049 --> 01:07:35,499
any real dips in her
performance this season.
1240
01:07:35,637 --> 01:07:37,087
So she'll wear the yellow bib
1241
01:07:37,225 --> 01:07:38,709
as the World Cup
overall leader.
1242
01:07:38,847 --> 01:07:40,677
[cowbells ringing]
1243
01:07:41,195 --> 01:07:42,817
[muffled indistinct dialogues]
1244
01:07:45,061 --> 01:07:46,821
[announcer]
Take your starting positions!
1245
01:07:48,616 --> 01:07:49,651
Set!
1246
01:07:49,789 --> 01:07:50,859
[people cheering]
1247
01:07:50,997 --> 01:07:52,240
[gunshot]
1248
01:07:57,487 --> 01:07:59,972
[man on radio] Diggs is gonna be
at the top of the first hill.
1249
01:08:00,179 --> 01:08:02,733
[man 2] Great skiing by Jessie
up the first climb.
1250
01:08:03,148 --> 01:08:04,666
[man] Yeah, 10-4.
1251
01:08:06,289 --> 01:08:09,154
[sportscaster 3] And Diggins is
now being challenged by both
1252
01:08:09,292 --> 01:08:12,226
the German,
Norway in the red suit.
1253
01:08:13,330 --> 01:08:14,952
And Jessie Diggins
1254
01:08:15,608 --> 01:08:17,265
- will not move on.
- [dramatic rumble]
1255
01:08:17,403 --> 01:08:18,818
She will be beaten out,
it looks like,
1256
01:08:18,956 --> 01:08:21,235
by less than a tenth
of a second.
1257
01:08:21,994 --> 01:08:24,065
Diggins loses a spot
1258
01:08:24,203 --> 01:08:25,756
the first time this season
1259
01:08:25,894 --> 01:08:27,517
that Diggins
will finish outside the top 12
1260
01:08:27,655 --> 01:08:29,139
in a sprint competition.
1261
01:08:29,277 --> 01:08:30,451
[panting]
1262
01:08:30,692 --> 01:08:32,142
She has one more chance
to topple
1263
01:08:32,280 --> 01:08:33,695
the Swedish
and Norwegian juggernaut
1264
01:08:33,833 --> 01:08:36,146
who have nearly
stolen the show in Canmore.
1265
01:08:36,871 --> 01:08:39,253
[cowbells ringing]
1266
01:08:43,602 --> 01:08:44,637
[gunshot]
1267
01:08:44,844 --> 01:08:45,880
[people cheering]
1268
01:08:49,090 --> 01:08:52,335
[man on radio] Okay, at 1.1
Jessie, 12 seconds out of the second.
1269
01:08:52,473 --> 01:08:54,026
[skis swishing past]
1270
01:08:54,578 --> 01:08:56,270
[man 2 on radio]
Jessie, number five.
1271
01:08:56,994 --> 01:08:59,273
[woman on radio] Jessie did not
take a feed, Benny.
1272
01:09:01,758 --> 01:09:04,381
[sportscaster] If anyone seemed
to be falling off the pace,
1273
01:09:04,519 --> 01:09:05,865
it was Diggins.
1274
01:09:06,452 --> 01:09:08,730
[woman on radio] Jessie was
asking for which lap she was on,
1275
01:09:08,868 --> 01:09:11,630
if everyone can tell her
she's on her last lap.
1276
01:09:12,562 --> 01:09:16,117
[man on radio]
She is number 15. Currently, she's five seconds back.
1277
01:09:16,393 --> 01:09:17,912
She's all by herself.
1278
01:09:18,430 --> 01:09:20,052
[announcer]
The winner from Sweden
1279
01:09:20,190 --> 01:09:22,641
Frida Karlsson!
1280
01:09:22,779 --> 01:09:23,883
[cheering]
1281
01:09:24,021 --> 01:09:25,851
[sportscaster]
...it's Jessie Diggins
1282
01:09:25,989 --> 01:09:27,197
in 10th!
1283
01:09:28,094 --> 01:09:30,442
[sportscaster 2] It was her
second worst showing of the season.
1284
01:09:30,925 --> 01:09:34,618
[sportscaster 3] She retained
that yellow bib, but it's by the tightest of margins...
1285
01:09:36,448 --> 01:09:38,208
[Jessie panting]
1286
01:09:39,865 --> 01:09:42,212
[interviewer] The Swedish expert
was talking about doubting you and--
1287
01:09:42,350 --> 01:09:45,664
and that you're not
in the right shape to win this.
1288
01:09:45,802 --> 01:09:47,735
Eh, what do you make of that?
1289
01:09:48,598 --> 01:09:50,358
[melancholic music]
1290
01:09:54,328 --> 01:09:57,986
[Jessie] The voice in my head
loves that sort of thing.
1291
01:09:59,816 --> 01:10:01,887
All I could hear was,
"It's you."
1292
01:10:02,025 --> 01:10:04,407
Like, "You're too slow,
you didn't do enough."
1293
01:10:05,062 --> 01:10:07,893
And you can completely
tank everything
1294
01:10:08,031 --> 01:10:09,205
you just worked for.
1295
01:10:09,377 --> 01:10:11,517
[man]
You did a good job. Nice work.
1296
01:10:11,862 --> 01:10:13,416
[music fades]
1297
01:10:13,554 --> 01:10:16,315
Oh, I can't, just...
[indistinct]
1298
01:10:16,936 --> 01:10:18,904
[man] Um, you wanna go sit in,
uh...
1299
01:10:19,180 --> 01:10:20,595
[wind blowing]
1300
01:10:27,326 --> 01:10:28,431
[Jessie] I just feel like...
1301
01:10:29,225 --> 01:10:31,572
...I don't wanna let people
down.[nervous chuckle]
1302
01:10:32,883 --> 01:10:34,575
[Matt] There's not a single
person that is gonna be
1303
01:10:34,713 --> 01:10:36,232
disappointed with you.
1304
01:10:37,612 --> 01:10:39,338
The globe is just like this
thing and it's been,
1305
01:10:39,476 --> 01:10:40,995
of course,
at the top of the goals
1306
01:10:41,133 --> 01:10:43,549
and of course, like, yeah,
we all want you to win it.
1307
01:10:44,412 --> 01:10:46,172
But it isn't
the end of the world.
1308
01:10:46,863 --> 01:10:49,831
It's as, like, simple
and trivial as that.
1309
01:10:50,453 --> 01:10:51,695
All we can do is...
1310
01:10:52,248 --> 01:10:53,490
just, like, our best, and--
1311
01:10:53,628 --> 01:10:55,665
- and try and-- [inhales]
- [Jessie] Yeah.
1312
01:10:55,803 --> 01:10:57,356
Try and breathe a little bit.
[exhales]
1313
01:10:57,736 --> 01:10:59,600
- Sometimes splash some
cold water on our face - [Jessie chuckles]
1314
01:10:59,738 --> 01:11:01,464
if we're just, like, [chuckles]
feeling a little anxious.
1315
01:11:01,878 --> 01:11:03,673
I mean, it was just kind of hard
yesterday 'cause I
1316
01:11:03,811 --> 01:11:05,813
couldn't make my body move.
[chuckles]
1317
01:11:05,951 --> 01:11:08,298
Yeah. It just takes, like,
one bad day,
1318
01:11:08,436 --> 01:11:11,232
- [Jessie] Yeah.
- and two bad days, I guess it was, but--
1319
01:11:11,405 --> 01:11:12,854
Yeah, I-- I mean,
1320
01:11:12,992 --> 01:11:14,822
maybe that's just why
I'm struggling with it 'cause...
1321
01:11:15,788 --> 01:11:18,895
...the more pressure I feel,
the harder it is to...
1322
01:11:20,276 --> 01:11:21,242
...eat.
1323
01:11:21,380 --> 01:11:22,657
[Matt] Yeah, yeah.
1324
01:11:24,521 --> 01:11:26,212
There's a chance
that my eating disorder
1325
01:11:26,351 --> 01:11:27,835
is just morphing
1326
01:11:28,594 --> 01:11:30,078
towards just not eating,
1327
01:11:30,251 --> 01:11:31,459
- Yeah.
- being the problem.
1328
01:11:31,597 --> 01:11:33,116
- Yeah.
- Um...
1329
01:11:33,737 --> 01:11:35,429
just, like, not eating enough.
1330
01:11:37,016 --> 01:11:39,260
[Matt] Do they have strategies
for fueling, like,
1331
01:11:39,398 --> 01:11:41,538
when you don't
feel like eating?
1332
01:11:43,091 --> 01:11:44,230
When...
1333
01:11:44,645 --> 01:11:47,061
my eating disorder makes me
feel, like--
1334
01:11:48,649 --> 01:11:50,478
Like it's hard for me to eat,
1335
01:11:51,099 --> 01:11:52,273
there isn't room
1336
01:11:53,032 --> 01:11:55,897
to feel, like, grateful or,
like, loved.
1337
01:11:56,035 --> 01:11:57,071
Yeah.
1338
01:11:57,278 --> 01:11:58,486
And...
1339
01:11:59,729 --> 01:12:04,320
...so if I try to bring those
things back, then it--
1340
01:12:05,044 --> 01:12:07,046
The opposite is true,
there isn't as much room
1341
01:12:07,184 --> 01:12:08,427
for my eating disorder voice.
1342
01:12:08,565 --> 01:12:10,533
- Mm-hmm.
- Like, if I'm f--
1343
01:12:10,671 --> 01:12:13,570
If I'm like, with people
and I feel really, like,
1344
01:12:13,708 --> 01:12:17,402
connected, that voice doesn't
have as much space.
1345
01:12:21,578 --> 01:12:23,511
- [bright music]
- [plane flying overhead]
1346
01:12:31,933 --> 01:12:34,453
[airplane engines roaring]
1347
01:12:38,802 --> 01:12:40,528
[traffic ambience]
1348
01:12:48,536 --> 01:12:50,918
[background dialogues]
1349
01:12:51,850 --> 01:12:53,852
- [Jessie] Hey, come here.
- [Deb] Hey, take that off.
1350
01:12:54,024 --> 01:12:57,303
[Clay] Good morning.
He's a happy boy.
1351
01:12:57,752 --> 01:12:59,098
That's good manners.
1352
01:13:01,722 --> 01:13:03,206
[Mackenzie] No, I-- I like
garlic.
1353
01:13:03,344 --> 01:13:04,828
- [Clay] Doesn't that smell
great? - [Deb] Yes.
1354
01:13:04,966 --> 01:13:06,727
- [Clay] Nothing smells better...
- [spatula clinks]
1355
01:13:06,865 --> 01:13:08,142
- [Deb] Onions...
- [Clay] ...than cooking onions, so...
1356
01:13:08,280 --> 01:13:10,075
- [Jessie] I-- No, I actually--
- Garlic...
1357
01:13:10,213 --> 01:13:12,940
- Garlic and butter smells
better than onions... - Come on!
1358
01:13:13,078 --> 01:13:15,114
- [Mackenzie] I like garlic.
- Yeah, I'ma say that.
1359
01:13:15,667 --> 01:13:17,393
Says the je ne sais quoi.
1360
01:13:17,703 --> 01:13:19,671
[Deb] Right.
Actually, the bread baking...
1361
01:13:20,430 --> 01:13:24,054
All right, here we go.
Brining everybody all together.
1362
01:13:24,365 --> 01:13:25,573
Yeah?
1363
01:13:26,194 --> 01:13:27,679
Wow, Dad.
1364
01:13:28,196 --> 01:13:29,508
Mm-hmm. That is something.
1365
01:13:29,922 --> 01:13:32,925
- Mm-hmm. That's--
- [cutlery clattering]
1366
01:13:33,167 --> 01:13:34,202
Amazing.
1367
01:13:34,340 --> 01:13:36,860
[indistinct dialogues]
1368
01:13:37,689 --> 01:13:39,173
[music continues]
1369
01:13:44,454 --> 01:13:46,594
[Jessie] When I was little,
1370
01:13:46,732 --> 01:13:49,148
I used to
dream that I could fly.
1371
01:13:50,322 --> 01:13:51,496
I used to love those dreams,
1372
01:13:51,634 --> 01:13:53,636
like, I'd wake up so happy.
1373
01:13:54,775 --> 01:13:58,399
Last night, I dreamed that I
could fly.
1374
01:13:58,882 --> 01:14:00,436
And it was the first time
I'd had one of those dreams
1375
01:14:00,574 --> 01:14:02,196
in, like, a really long time.
1376
01:14:02,748 --> 01:14:05,786
Um, but there was
this weird twist, where,
1377
01:14:06,131 --> 01:14:10,204
in order to, like, stay up
in the air, you had to,
1378
01:14:10,687 --> 01:14:12,206
like, eat enough because it...
1379
01:14:12,724 --> 01:14:15,174
just, like,
burned energy in your body.
1380
01:14:15,312 --> 01:14:16,797
And if you didn't,
1381
01:14:16,935 --> 01:14:19,455
all of a sudden, you would just
start crashing down.
1382
01:14:24,563 --> 01:14:25,944
I dream a lot.
1383
01:14:26,496 --> 01:14:28,049
[soft, bright music]
1384
01:14:40,027 --> 01:14:42,408
[man] Jessie, you're in town for
a couple days, presumably.
1385
01:14:42,547 --> 01:14:44,480
Uh, is there anything locally
you're looking forward
1386
01:14:44,618 --> 01:14:45,619
to sharing?
1387
01:14:46,136 --> 01:14:48,656
Honestly, my husband
gets here tonight,
1388
01:14:48,794 --> 01:14:50,865
and I haven't seen him
since November.
1389
01:14:51,107 --> 01:14:55,663
And-- So mostly, I'm just
excited to spend time with him.
1390
01:14:55,870 --> 01:14:58,977
Uh, that's, like,
my number one priority.
1391
01:15:01,773 --> 01:15:03,533
[music continues]
1392
01:15:06,812 --> 01:15:08,952
[soft whooshing]
1393
01:15:12,749 --> 01:15:14,199
[music fades]
1394
01:15:14,544 --> 01:15:16,512
[electric toothbrush buzzing]
1395
01:15:21,171 --> 01:15:23,415
[Wade] Can I help you get
anything ready? Or ready it up, Jess?
1396
01:15:23,553 --> 01:15:24,761
- Mm, no.
- [Wade] Okay.
1397
01:15:25,037 --> 01:15:25,797
Oh.
1398
01:15:25,935 --> 01:15:27,350
- Typical.
- I love you, hon.
1399
01:15:27,799 --> 01:15:28,765
- Bye, love you.
- Bye.
1400
01:15:28,903 --> 01:15:30,802
Good luck, we'll be cheering.
1401
01:15:31,803 --> 01:15:33,149
[soft music]
1402
01:15:33,805 --> 01:15:35,876
[sportscaster] The best
cross-country skiers in the world
1403
01:15:36,014 --> 01:15:37,636
are in town right now,
ready to compete
1404
01:15:37,774 --> 01:15:38,948
in the Loppet Cup.
1405
01:15:39,604 --> 01:15:41,882
Big reason this event
is here is because of
1406
01:15:42,020 --> 01:15:43,711
decorated
cross-country skier
1407
01:15:43,849 --> 01:15:45,782
and Minnesota native
Jessie Diggins.
1408
01:15:46,645 --> 01:15:49,855
How long I've waited for one of
these bibs to say "Minneapolis."
1409
01:15:50,407 --> 01:15:52,755
[sportscaster] For the first
time in more than two decades,
1410
01:15:52,893 --> 01:15:54,722
the biggest event
in cross-country skiing
1411
01:15:54,860 --> 01:15:56,482
is in the United States.
1412
01:15:57,173 --> 01:15:59,485
[woman on megaphone]
People, approach this...
1413
01:15:59,762 --> 01:16:01,626
entire weekend with love.
1414
01:16:01,936 --> 01:16:04,698
It's what makes
our community strong.
1415
01:16:05,008 --> 01:16:08,771
It's why we're gonna see
some great racing today.
1416
01:16:08,909 --> 01:16:10,807
Have fun, everyone!
1417
01:16:12,568 --> 01:16:14,259
[cowbells ringing]
1418
01:16:14,915 --> 01:16:16,951
[bright music]
1419
01:16:18,677 --> 01:16:20,230
[people cheering]
1420
01:16:25,546 --> 01:16:29,205
[crowd chanting] Jessie!
Jessie! Jessie! Jessie!
1421
01:16:32,277 --> 01:16:34,175
[Deb] When we got to the race,
1422
01:16:34,555 --> 01:16:36,488
the course was packed.
1423
01:16:36,626 --> 01:16:38,766
- [crowd cheering]
- And as we were walking in,
1424
01:16:38,904 --> 01:16:40,423
we heard this roar,
1425
01:16:40,561 --> 01:16:42,218
and it was circling the course.
1426
01:16:42,356 --> 01:16:43,737
You could hear it, like,
literally going
1427
01:16:43,875 --> 01:16:45,048
around the course.
1428
01:16:45,186 --> 01:16:47,085
And as we got closer,
we realized
1429
01:16:47,223 --> 01:16:49,190
the roar was following Jessie
1430
01:16:49,328 --> 01:16:50,606
as she was warming up.
1431
01:16:51,365 --> 01:16:54,126
That moment was right up there
with the gold medal.
1432
01:16:55,231 --> 01:16:59,269
[sportscaster] And the crowd is
just erupting for her.
1433
01:16:59,407 --> 01:17:02,721
[crowd chanting] Jessie Diggins,
she's one of our own!
1434
01:17:02,928 --> 01:17:04,723
She's one of our own!
1435
01:17:04,861 --> 01:17:06,967
She's one of our own!
1436
01:17:07,105 --> 01:17:10,418
Jessie Diggins,
she's one of our own!
1437
01:17:11,488 --> 01:17:13,145
[announcer]
Her biggest victory ever,
1438
01:17:13,283 --> 01:17:15,147
who's clinging the Loppet Cup
1439
01:17:15,320 --> 01:17:18,979
for Minneapolis,
for Hasting, Minnesota,
1440
01:17:19,117 --> 01:17:23,984
this is Jessie Diggins!
1441
01:17:24,363 --> 01:17:25,848
[people cheering]
1442
01:17:27,850 --> 01:17:30,266
- [alarm clicks]
- There she goes, deep!
1443
01:17:30,404 --> 01:17:33,545
Is she’s gonna ride another...?
[dialogue becomes muffled]
1444
01:17:33,683 --> 01:17:35,409
[cow bells ringing]
1445
01:17:35,720 --> 01:17:37,756
[echoed tapping]
1446
01:17:44,349 --> 01:17:47,076
[sportscaster] There she is, the
most decorated American,
1447
01:17:47,214 --> 01:17:50,217
cross-country skier in history.
1448
01:17:50,838 --> 01:17:52,219
And listen to the crowd.
1449
01:17:52,495 --> 01:17:53,979
[crowd cheering]
1450
01:17:54,704 --> 01:17:56,119
Diggins digging deep!
1451
01:17:56,913 --> 01:18:00,158
[sportscaster 2] She's still
into se-- third place.
1452
01:18:00,330 --> 01:18:01,918
Just go. Yes!
1453
01:18:02,056 --> 01:18:04,714
Third place for Jessie Diggins!
1454
01:18:05,577 --> 01:18:08,407
Diggins got...
[dialogue becomes muffled]
1455
01:18:08,684 --> 01:18:11,203
[hopeful music]
1456
01:18:11,790 --> 01:18:14,793
[muffled commentating]
1457
01:18:19,004 --> 01:18:21,006
[man] But she's gonna be
on the snow because she
1458
01:18:21,144 --> 01:18:23,595
- gave everything she could.
- [man 2] Oh, yeah.
1459
01:18:23,906 --> 01:18:27,495
All hail the cross-country
queen of Minnesota,
1460
01:18:27,633 --> 01:18:29,152
Jessie Diggins.
1461
01:18:29,601 --> 01:18:31,845
[man 3] Minneapolis!
1462
01:18:41,578 --> 01:18:43,373
[people cheering]
1463
01:18:44,650 --> 01:18:48,275
[woman] I think today showed
that it was more than results.
1464
01:18:48,724 --> 01:18:50,898
It was so much about
just the influence
1465
01:18:51,036 --> 01:18:53,073
that you can have on
others with this sport.
1466
01:18:53,521 --> 01:18:54,764
[Jessie] Oh, I mean,
yeah, I could have been
1467
01:18:54,902 --> 01:18:56,248
last by 27 minutes.
1468
01:18:56,386 --> 01:18:58,768
This is everything
I've ever dreamed of.
1469
01:18:58,906 --> 01:19:02,530
This has been the best weekend
of my whole career by far.
1470
01:19:03,186 --> 01:19:04,878
- Oh...
- [chuckles]
1471
01:19:05,016 --> 01:19:07,397
Oh, I wanted that so bad.
1472
01:19:07,881 --> 01:19:09,503
[sighs, grunts]
1473
01:19:09,986 --> 01:19:11,781
- Thank you.
- Yeah, nice.
1474
01:19:11,919 --> 01:19:13,921
- Jessie!
- Oh, my god, thank you!
1475
01:19:14,301 --> 01:19:15,958
- Jessie!
- [indistinct]
1476
01:19:16,855 --> 01:19:18,961
[indistinct dialogues]
1477
01:19:21,377 --> 01:19:23,482
Have you done that before?
Like that?
1478
01:19:24,380 --> 01:19:25,415
Not like that.
1479
01:19:26,900 --> 01:19:28,591
Is that what Taylor Swift
feels like?
1480
01:19:28,729 --> 01:19:30,489
- Maybe.
- What the hell?
1481
01:19:31,042 --> 01:19:32,768
That was crazy.
1482
01:19:35,218 --> 01:19:36,254
Wow.
1483
01:19:38,049 --> 01:19:39,326
[indistinct dialogues]
1484
01:19:39,671 --> 01:19:42,087
[Wade chuckles] I know exactly
what you're feeling.
1485
01:19:42,674 --> 01:19:43,986
[emotional music]
1486
01:19:44,124 --> 01:19:46,022
[inaudible]
1487
01:19:46,298 --> 01:19:47,921
[sobbing]
1488
01:19:53,512 --> 01:19:56,515
[distorted sobbing]
1489
01:20:27,443 --> 01:20:29,307
[Jessie] When I was really sick,
1490
01:20:30,273 --> 01:20:33,035
I thought that
was just going to be my life.
1491
01:20:35,002 --> 01:20:38,350
I truly believed I would never
feel worthy of love.
1492
01:20:40,525 --> 01:20:43,562
And for so many years,
I've tied my self-worth...
1493
01:20:44,253 --> 01:20:45,564
to my results...
1494
01:20:45,910 --> 01:20:47,187
[inaudible]
1495
01:20:47,463 --> 01:20:50,190
...how fast I skied,
how much I achieved.
1496
01:20:52,157 --> 01:20:54,401
And in some ways,
1497
01:20:54,539 --> 01:20:55,781
Jessie the skier
1498
01:20:55,920 --> 01:20:58,267
is never going to feel
like she's enough.
1499
01:20:59,785 --> 01:21:03,065
But I have to keep those two
things really separate.
1500
01:21:03,859 --> 01:21:06,620
Why I would be worthy
of anybody loving me,
1501
01:21:07,207 --> 01:21:08,346
including myself.
1502
01:21:08,967 --> 01:21:11,728
It has to be separate
from how I perform.
1503
01:21:12,108 --> 01:21:14,110
[inaudible dialogues]
1504
01:21:20,185 --> 01:21:23,119
Maybe I'm always
going to be working on this,
1505
01:21:23,637 --> 01:21:26,778
and maybe I'm always gonna be
working on myself and my brain.
1506
01:21:27,261 --> 01:21:28,538
[clicks tongue]
And I'm okay with that
1507
01:21:28,676 --> 01:21:30,851
because it
means that I'm not giving up.
1508
01:21:31,507 --> 01:21:34,096
And I'm trying
to get to a better place.
1509
01:21:35,683 --> 01:21:37,962
But it's fucking hard.
[chuckles]
1510
01:21:39,687 --> 01:21:41,620
[emotional music]
1511
01:22:24,801 --> 01:22:26,010
[music continues]
1512
01:25:47,970 --> 01:25:49,178
[music fades]