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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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You're torching 2024.
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You got Sam Morril, Tim Dillon, Ms. Pat,
Mark Normand, Hannah Berner.
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Any predictions?
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Ooh! Vicious roast!
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[smooches]
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Love you too.
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[audience gasps and laughs, applauds]
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{\an8}- [lively music playing]
- [audience cheering]
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{\an8}[man] What's up, everybody!
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I'm your bad boy for life, P. Diddy.
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Now, let's get this party started!
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Please welcome my bitch for tonight,
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the Roastmaster General,
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Jeff Ross!
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[crowd cheers]
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[music continues]
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Crappy old year!
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Welcome, welcome, welcome
to Torching 2024!
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How 'bout a hand for
the Squid Game guards? Great job.
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[audience cheers]
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Am I racist if I say they all look alike,
those Squid Game guys?
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This is gonna be a wild night.
Oh, look at this!
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Dude, we got Diddy bartending,
he brought his lawyers with him.
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What's happening, fellas?
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Take a bow, guys.
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[mixed applause and booing]
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This is great.
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Got him on bail for the night, huh?
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Maybe it's time to change
Diddy's name to Definitely.
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[comic sting on drums]
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Yes, we're gonna roast
all the big moments and trends of 2024.
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Uh, Diddy, can I get
a, uh, baby oil on the rocks?
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Thank you.
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Hey, Diddy, if you're here,
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who's getting strangled in your cell
while the cameras malfunction?
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[audience groans, laughs]
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Too soon?
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Not on this show. [laughs]
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Aliens over New Jersey,
Diddy's in trouble,
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big year for anal probes.
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[amused groans]
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[Ross laughs]
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This is cool, man. What a year.
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What a fucking year.
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- So--
- [audience cheers]
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Gonna be incredible.
So many twists and turns.
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Turns out the election wasn't fixed,
but the boxing match was.
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[comic sting]
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Which reminds me,
if you're just tuning in,
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Netflix is fine. It's not buffering.
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I really look like this.
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[sympathetic sounds]
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I know I look like Bruce Willis
if his trainer also had dementia.
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- [amused groans, laughter]
- [bass plays descending notes]
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I look like the kind of guy
who watches Squid Game
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hoping it's about calamari.
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[comic sting]
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Thank you.
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My fellow Americans,
yes, we remain a divided nation.
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But I think we can all agree on one thing,
the silver lining of the election,
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is that Ellen DeGeneres left the country.
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[laughter, cheering]
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Let the healing begin.
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Living in England's gonna be
kind of confusing for Ellen,
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you know, 'cause they drive
on the other side of the road there,
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and they only call you a cunt
when they like you.
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[comic sting]
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[gasps, cheering]
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[Ross] Yeah! [laughs]
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Big year in music.
Diplo, what the fuck, are you serious?
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- Diplo's here! What's going on, buddy?
- [audience cheers]
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This is so cool, all my friends are here.
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Simon... This is cool.
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Diplo, you're one of my favorite DJs.
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You know, Diplo's not short for "diploma",
I'll tell you that.
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- Nothing?
- [plays sliding note]
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- All right.
- [comic sting on drums]
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It was a big year for music.
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Shout out to Taylor Swift, who just ended
her billion-dollar Eras Tour.
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[cheers and applause]
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I went to the LA show. Did you go, Diplo?
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I went. It was amazing.
It was so emotional.
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I even got my period for the first time.
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But for me, no moment encapsulated
the insanity of this year
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better than when Donald Trump worked
a drive-through window at McDonald's.
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Wow. Even Grimace was like,
"That guy's got a weird-shaped body."
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[Ross laughs]
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Yeah, but you gotta admit,
the biggest rise of the year
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has to be the Hawk Tuah Girl.
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[laughter, groans]
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Remember Hawk Tuah Girl? [laughs]
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it was a real gags-to-riches story.
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By the way, Haliey, Hawk Tuah,
if you're watching,
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humanity owes you a debt of gratitude.
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Your video made blowjobs so popular,
even the Yankees blew the World Series.
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[uproarious laughter]
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[bass plays comical slide]
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[drums playing comic response]
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Ohtani! Ohtani!
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[crowd joins] Ohtani!
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Sure, Oppenheimer won
all the Oscars this year,
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but Ohtani should've won best actor
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for pretending he didn't
bet against the Yankees.
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That's the nicest joke you're gonna hear
about Oppenheimer and a Japanese guy.
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[scandalized, amused groans and laughter]
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[audience member whoops]
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Definitely the wildest news of the year,
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Elon Musk bought the United States.
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Wow!
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We are a fixer-upper, I guess.
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Now we're supposed to trust him
with the government
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even though the Cybertruck
got recalled six times this year.
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But hey, at least it's soundproof,
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which is great,
so when you pull out of your driveway,
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you can't hear
your own kids laughing at you.
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[Ross laughs]
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The Cybertruck doesn't come
with a spare tire, but
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apparently Elon does.
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[laughs]
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Look at that little belly.
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He wears those little t-shirts
that are too short for him.
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Forget Mars,
maybe he should explore a Planet Fitness.
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[chuckles]
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It's only ten dollars a month.
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[audience cheers]
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2024 was so crazy,
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Even Kanye went quiet.
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That's how you know things are bad,
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when Kanye's like,
"No, I'm gonna sit this one out."
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Yep, Kanye went to Japan,
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Beyoncé went country,
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and any chance of a One Direction reunion
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went straight out the window.
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[audience groans, laughs uncomfortably]
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[drum plays womp-womp beats]
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- Yep.
- [audience still groans]
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Diplo, you're not involved in this beef
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between Drake and Kendrick at all,
are you?
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No, you don't want any of that shit.
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These two guys released
17 diss tracks back and forth
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insulting each other.
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Even Hamas is like, "Let it go already."
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"Jeez! Get a room, guys!"
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Call me sentimental,
but I miss old-school hip-hop
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when rappers would just shoot each other.
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Poor Drake, he's the only Jew
who lost a war this year.
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[laughs]
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You liked that one?
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Of course we couldn't torch 2024
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without two of its breakout TV stars.
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Give it up for Erik and Lyle,
the Menendez brothers.
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[audience cheers]
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Great to see you guys.
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Thank you.
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How'd you get those killer seats?
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When you were driving here,
did you argue over who'd get shotgun?
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What a story.
Anybody watch that Netflix show
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on the Menendez brothers?
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- [scattered cheers]
- What a story.
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Too bad your lawyer couldn't do
what your dad did.
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Get you off.
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[amused groans]
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Oh, you think that's bad?
Wait till this one.
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Menendez brothers,
I know your parents were ver... [laughs]
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[drum plays]
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I'm going to Hell for this one.
Maybe I shouldn't do it.
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[audience] Do it!
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Menendez brothers,
I know your parents were very religious,
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but thanks to you guys, they became
the two holiest people in Beverly Hills.
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- [groans and laughter]
- [drum plays]
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Hey, who else saw the Wicked movie?
I loved it so much.
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[audience cheers]
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Yeah. I enjoyed Wicked so much,
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I questioned if I was gay.
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Then I saw Gladiator II,
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and I knew I was gay.
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After Wicked, there were so many
women and gay guys crying in the lobby,
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I thought Trump won again. [laughs]
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[chuckles]
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This is fun.
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Oh yeah, look at this!
The star of the Summer Olympics is here.
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Give it up for
Australian breakdancer Raygun!
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Hi, Raygun!
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- [hip-hop music plays]
- What's up, what's up!
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Whoo!
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Yeah!
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Hey!
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If your name's Raygun,
why do you dance like you're being tased?
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[drum plays comic sting]
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[music stops]
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A 2024 legend who got
the Olympic breakdancing canceled.
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Raygun, your moves were so bad,
when the Special Olympics saw them,
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they were like, "You know what?
It's okay to say the word 'retard' again."
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- [drum plays]
- [cackles]
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[music starts again]
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Raygun, everybody!
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Hannah Berner!
She'll be back in a little while.
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- Wow!
- [music stops]
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And I gotta say, I'm really honored.
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This is, uh, really incredible
that this person's here.
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00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:05,377
Our current president,
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- Joe Biden's here. Mr. President.
- Hey, good to see you, America!
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- How you doing, America!
- Mr. President!
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How are we feeling? Happy early Kwanzaa!
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[Ross] Thank you for coming!
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How we doing? Yeah, doing good.
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I can't stay long, though, Jeff.
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I've got a big election coming up.
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- Come on!
- [Ross laughs]
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I beg your pardon?
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Sure, ain't no problem, how many you need?
I got pardons for days.
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You get a pardon,
you get a pardon, you get a pardon.
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Hey, you get a pardon.
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I'm gonna give Diplo a pardon
for those sunglasses.
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- There we go. Everybody gets a pardon.
- [Ross laughing]
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Hey, tell P. Daddy over there,
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if you go and make me a gin and tonic
with no funny business,
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I'll give you a pardon too.
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- [drums play comic sting]
- [Ross laughs]
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- Oh!
- [Ross] What else? What else?
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Holy dandruff, Jeff,
who's that hot lesbo playing drums?
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[Ross cackles]
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[Adam Ray as Biden] Oh!
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I'd love to sniff her head!
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That's our band leader for tonight,
the great John Stamos!
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- [audience cheers]
- Yeah!
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00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:02,000
- Yeah!
- [Ray] Have mercy.
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Look at this guy!
Thank you for being here, John.
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You're amazing. You're-you're aging
like fine Greek yogurt.
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Hit it, baby!
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[playing ending]
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00:10:15,881 --> 00:10:17,283
Whoo!
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00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:21,053
Ladies and gentlemen,
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00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:22,822
let...
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the torching...
238
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,125
- [music stops]
- ...begin!
239
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:29,195
[crowd cheers, applauds]
240
00:10:30,863 --> 00:10:32,764
[band playing funky beat]
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00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:35,266
Our roasters are backstage getting ready.
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They can hear you,
so make some noise, roast fans!
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00:10:38,337 --> 00:10:40,538
[audience gets louder]
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Fuck yeah!
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First up are two of
the hottest solo acts in the game,
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00:10:47,046 --> 00:10:49,114
but tonight, they're doing a double-team.
247
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Here they are, straight from a freak-off,
248
00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:54,052
to perform at our joke-off,
249
00:10:54,053 --> 00:10:58,624
my friends Sam Morril and Mark Normand!
250
00:11:03,262 --> 00:11:06,532
[both greeting audience]
251
00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:09,602
What's up?
252
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:12,604
- Hey, hey!
- Oh my God, hey!
253
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:14,506
- Comedy, huh?
- Hey.
254
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:17,409
Jeff, you look amazing.
You look like the Great Gout-sby.
255
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,344
[Ross laughs]
256
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:22,815
[Normand] I know, Jesus.
Who wrote your jokes, FatGPT?
257
00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:27,353
You look a photo negative of Steve Harvey.
258
00:11:30,389 --> 00:11:33,259
Ah, Jeff, you're anti-vax
but you're provolone.
259
00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:36,494
Oh Diddy, help, help!
260
00:11:36,495 --> 00:11:38,496
[Morril] Jeff, you look like
a fat Jewish dictator.
261
00:11:38,497 --> 00:11:40,166
You're like NetanYoo-hoo.
262
00:11:41,567 --> 00:11:44,769
Guys! Take it easy. Mercy, guys, mercy.
263
00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:46,971
It's been a rough year.
I had cancer this year.
264
00:11:46,972 --> 00:11:48,106
- Oh jeez!
- Aw, shit.
265
00:11:48,107 --> 00:11:51,009
- Tomorrow's my last day of chemotherapy.
- [Morril] All right.
266
00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:53,144
- [Normand] All right, all right, okay!
- Thank you.
267
00:11:53,145 --> 00:11:54,612
- It's crazy.
- [Normand] Wow!
268
00:11:54,613 --> 00:11:56,381
I'm gonna be okay, don't worry about me.
269
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:57,749
- All right.
- I'm gonna be okay.
270
00:11:57,750 --> 00:11:59,617
This is very cathartic. I love you guys.
271
00:11:59,618 --> 00:12:01,786
- [Morril] Love you, man.
- Hey, I'm glad you beat cancer
272
00:12:01,787 --> 00:12:03,521
'cause even cancer hates you as a host.
273
00:12:03,522 --> 00:12:04,657
[Ross laughs]
274
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:08,193
Jeff, you're pretty fat
for a guy who beat cancer.
275
00:12:08,194 --> 00:12:09,662
You sure you didn't eat cancer?
276
00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:13,865
If Jeff were the McDonald's shooter,
277
00:12:13,866 --> 00:12:16,669
when he was leaving, he'd have said,
"Leave the gun, take the McFlurry."
278
00:12:19,538 --> 00:12:23,008
- We should do some Luigi jokes, right?
- Yes, do Luigi jokes!
279
00:12:23,642 --> 00:12:25,176
Luigi!
280
00:12:25,177 --> 00:12:29,247
Apparently on the shell casings,
the bullets said, "Delay, deny, defend."
281
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:31,317
On Alec Baldwin's, they just said, "Oops."
282
00:12:33,352 --> 00:12:36,688
And hey, that Luigi, he's a hunky guy.
No homo... I mean,
283
00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:37,590
no HMO.
284
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,761
Yeah, he got popped
by a McDonald's employee.
285
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,930
Should've gone to Popeyes,
they don't snitch.
286
00:12:46,565 --> 00:12:47,932
A McDonald's employee turned in
287
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:51,069
shooter Luigi Mangione
in Altoona, Pennsylvania,
288
00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:52,103
when he became suspicious
289
00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:55,306
there was an attractive person
at McDonald's in Altoona, Pennsylvania.
290
00:12:55,307 --> 00:12:57,742
[Normand laughs]
291
00:12:57,743 --> 00:12:59,711
Hey, they say
he's going to jail for a long time.
292
00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:02,314
But come on. Luigi?
He'll escape through the pipes.
293
00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:05,017
[guitar plays
Super Mario Bros. Underground Theme]
294
00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:08,086
Apparently he had back problems
and was pissed about it.
295
00:13:08,087 --> 00:13:11,289
I have back problems too. I think that's
the difference between Jews and Italians.
296
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:13,726
We complain.
You guys actually do something about it.
297
00:13:15,494 --> 00:13:18,430
He was Italian.
He was so Italian, his gun was homemade.
298
00:13:20,232 --> 00:13:23,335
He was a professional shooter,
but his dad called him a "prosciutt".
299
00:13:25,037 --> 00:13:26,371
[Jeff cackles]
300
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:28,273
That's true, but either way,
301
00:13:28,274 --> 00:13:29,908
he's still a better shooter than Bronny.
302
00:13:29,909 --> 00:13:32,243
[indignant groans, laughter]
303
00:13:32,244 --> 00:13:33,812
But look, I get the feeling, you know?
304
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,613
I lost 20K on that Hawk Tuah coin.
305
00:13:35,614 --> 00:13:36,715
I wish he'd shoot her.
306
00:13:38,851 --> 00:13:41,187
But she's already
used to taking shots on the back.
307
00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:43,522
[loud tapping]
308
00:13:44,089 --> 00:13:45,524
- Oh jeez.
- [Normand laughing]
309
00:13:46,091 --> 00:13:47,559
Jeff dropped his butt plug.
310
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:48,494
[both laugh]
311
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,130
Hey, all right.
312
00:13:52,131 --> 00:13:53,665
Speaking of people going to jail soon,
313
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,902
crazy of all the groups Diddy produced,
he wasn't involved with Boyz II Men.
314
00:13:59,205 --> 00:14:01,639
Hey, I read that entire indictment
from Jay to Z.
315
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:02,675
[audience] Oh!
316
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:04,510
Yeah.
317
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:08,680
He was a great collaborator.
318
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,348
R. Kelly did all his rapes himself.
319
00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:12,218
At least Diddy shared. Just sayin'.
320
00:14:13,886 --> 00:14:17,088
Ashton Kutcher and his wife are actually
moving to Europe to avoid Diddy drama.
321
00:14:17,089 --> 00:14:20,425
That is a bad sign when your wife asks
how close you were with Diddy and you go,
322
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:21,493
"Let's leave the country."
323
00:14:24,096 --> 00:14:26,564
Diddy's about to feel like
one of his songs in prison, 'cause
324
00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:28,500
he's about to get sampled, all right?
325
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,571
♪ Ain't nobody gonna hold me down ♪
326
00:14:33,572 --> 00:14:35,074
Oh, I think they will.
327
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,909
Diddy's kids got handcuffed this year too.
328
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:40,912
King and Justin, those are their names,
I think he favors one of them.
329
00:14:40,913 --> 00:14:42,081
But, uh...
330
00:14:42,748 --> 00:14:45,416
I wanna do that to my kids
just to ruin their childhoods.
331
00:14:45,417 --> 00:14:47,853
"These are my sons,
Big Dick Legend and Ralph."
332
00:14:50,256 --> 00:14:51,422
"I love them equally."
333
00:14:51,423 --> 00:14:52,691
[Normand laughs]
334
00:14:53,192 --> 00:14:55,727
All right, let's change gears.
How about that Taylor Swift, huh?
335
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:56,995
Oh yeah, that, uh...
336
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:59,264
That Eras Tour was huge.
Those stadiums were filled with
337
00:14:59,265 --> 00:15:01,867
more 13-year-old screaming girls
than a Diddy party.
338
00:15:03,202 --> 00:15:04,469
Taylor did so much this year.
339
00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:06,571
She's the hardest-working Taylor
in show business,
340
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,641
except for the person
who does Lizzo's outfits.
341
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,976
Hey, Lizzo got canceled this year,
342
00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:13,211
but I stand behind her.
343
00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:14,380
You just can't see me.
344
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:18,549
[Morril] Let's lighten it up.
345
00:15:18,550 --> 00:15:19,785
Stephen Hawking.
346
00:15:20,286 --> 00:15:22,288
- So...
- [all laughing]
347
00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:24,622
The Epstein list was revealed this year,
348
00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:26,457
and some of the names were surprising.
349
00:15:26,458 --> 00:15:27,592
These are just allegations.
350
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:30,429
Stephen Hawking was never charged,
except for when his battery ran low.
351
00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:32,363
[Normand laughs]
352
00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:34,999
That must suck for these kids.
Imagine being on Epstein's island.
353
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,268
You already hate vegetables.
354
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,104
Tough one. How do you punish a guy
355
00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:42,374
who's already spent
his entire life in an electric chair?
356
00:15:44,043 --> 00:15:47,078
Look, you know how hard that is in
his condition to get to Epstein's island?
357
00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:49,147
That is one horny paraplegic, huh?
358
00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:51,015
[Morril] Yeah.
He deserves a round of applause.
359
00:15:51,016 --> 00:15:53,084
- I agree. Yeah.
- Yeah!
360
00:15:53,085 --> 00:15:54,986
- [Normand] Come on!
- Yeah.
361
00:15:54,987 --> 00:15:56,821
This guy loves vagina.
362
00:15:56,822 --> 00:15:58,924
You could see it as a crippling addiction.
363
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:02,293
Okay, I feel bad making fun of the guy.
364
00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:04,495
He can't even drive,
but he loves to traffic.
365
00:16:04,496 --> 00:16:06,065
[groans and laughter]
366
00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:10,568
Look, I get it.
He does have an incurable genetic disease.
367
00:16:10,569 --> 00:16:11,570
He's a pedophile.
368
00:16:13,505 --> 00:16:14,740
[both] Allegedly.
369
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:18,309
You know,
they interviewed the Epstein pilot,
370
00:16:18,310 --> 00:16:21,579
and he said every underage person he saw
on the flight was with a parent or adult,
371
00:16:21,580 --> 00:16:23,916
and I was like,
"Yeah, those are two different things."
372
00:16:27,386 --> 00:16:29,187
Can't go to the playground...
"Is that your son?"
373
00:16:29,188 --> 00:16:30,089
"It's a kid."
374
00:16:31,957 --> 00:16:34,493
- Thank you very much, guys. Good night!
- Thank you, good night!
375
00:16:35,761 --> 00:16:37,862
Give it up for Faggot and Costello!
376
00:16:37,863 --> 00:16:39,263
[Normand laughs]
377
00:16:39,264 --> 00:16:42,266
I love you guys.
Mark Normand, you're amazing.
378
00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:43,935
- Thank you.
- Sam Morril, love you so much.
379
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:45,437
You're amazing, buddy.
380
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,806
- [Normand] Thank you.
- [Ross] Incredible, guys.
381
00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:50,476
I was laughing so hard.
382
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,578
You having fun up there in the balcony?
Everybody good?
383
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:54,879
[people cheering]
384
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:55,814
All right.
385
00:16:57,049 --> 00:17:00,051
You may know our next roaster
from her hit sitcom
386
00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:02,053
or her sold-out comedy tours.
387
00:17:02,054 --> 00:17:05,356
Tonight, she's here
to bring the year to its knees.
388
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,458
The Southern belle from ATL,
389
00:17:07,459 --> 00:17:10,461
make it loud for Ms. Pat!
390
00:17:10,462 --> 00:17:12,531
[band plays lively music]
391
00:17:24,276 --> 00:17:25,343
[music stops]
392
00:17:25,344 --> 00:17:28,012
So this year, y'all, I made a mistake
393
00:17:28,013 --> 00:17:30,615
of caring about what people think.
394
00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:33,217
After I did Club Shay Shay podcast,
395
00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:36,588
I read the comments section,
and it fucked me up.
396
00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:40,726
I've never been called fat
so much in my damn life,
397
00:17:41,827 --> 00:17:43,028
just from Shannon Sharpe.
398
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:48,100
And people went crazy
with Ozempic this year.
399
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,701
I'm not ashamed to say it. I tried it.
400
00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:52,171
It didn't work for me.
401
00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:56,575
Apparently, you gotta shoot it in your ass
and not put it in your milkshake.
402
00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:03,181
Aren't y'all tired of
all of this fake-ass body positivity shit?
403
00:18:03,182 --> 00:18:06,617
And these people who preach
this body-positivity shit
404
00:18:06,618 --> 00:18:08,319
is the first ones that turn on you.
405
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:09,687
Look what happened to Lizzo
406
00:18:09,688 --> 00:18:12,490
after she had that scandal
with her background dancer.
407
00:18:12,491 --> 00:18:14,192
At first, everybody was like,
408
00:18:14,193 --> 00:18:17,028
"She's so brave
to put on that damn two-piece...
409
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:19,098
I mean, eight-piece swimsuit."
410
00:18:20,999 --> 00:18:24,569
As soon as they learned she liked
eatin' bananas out of stripper pussies,
411
00:18:24,570 --> 00:18:25,804
they let her have it.
412
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,007
Everyone was like, "Oh hell, no."
413
00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:35,079
"What the hell that knock-kneed,
flute-footed, sagging ass, Paul Bunyan,
414
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,149
extra greasy,
415
00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:40,252
built like an uncle bitch do."
416
00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:43,988
White people, you can laugh.
She ain't gonna see this.
417
00:18:43,989 --> 00:18:45,090
[audience laughs]
418
00:18:46,925 --> 00:18:50,328
Y'all know Hollywood started
this body-positivity trend,
419
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:53,231
and they don't even
cast fat people anymore.
420
00:18:53,232 --> 00:18:55,633
They let Colin Farrell play the Penguin.
421
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:58,170
Where that shit at? This...
Look at this man right here.
422
00:18:58,737 --> 00:19:00,539
And look at Jeff Ross tonight.
423
00:19:04,643 --> 00:19:06,645
Tell me he ain't the damn Penguin.
424
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:13,352
I saw Jeff Ross backstage
eating fish out of a damn bucket.
425
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,456
In 2024, y'all,
426
00:19:18,457 --> 00:19:21,826
celebrities spent all this money
to lose weight.
427
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,227
Look at Adele ass,
428
00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:25,330
looking like a Canadian Wonder Woman.
429
00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:27,865
And look at Jelly Roll ass,
430
00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:30,068
looking like a big back Post Malone.
431
00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:34,172
And look at Ice Spice.
432
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,974
Her ass done melt away.
433
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:38,943
Can somebody please tell this Orphan Annie
434
00:19:38,944 --> 00:19:41,446
she don't rap good enough
to have a flat ass?
435
00:19:44,816 --> 00:19:47,085
That's why I fuck with rapper Dave Blunts.
436
00:19:47,586 --> 00:19:49,488
He's a... Look at his big ass.
You see him? Here.
437
00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:52,157
White dude,
you see that big nigga back there?
438
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:55,928
He's an unapologetic diabetic.
439
00:19:57,429 --> 00:20:01,899
It's easy to make fun of Dave,
yes, it is, 'cause he's a 500-pound,
440
00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:04,403
sitting on the couch with an oxygen mask.
441
00:20:04,903 --> 00:20:08,373
The only problem is,
is he got a white woman by his side.
442
00:20:08,907 --> 00:20:11,076
Must you bitches take all the good ones?
443
00:20:12,844 --> 00:20:14,679
But one thing I can tell you,
444
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:19,051
you never see an episode of
600-lb Life where they by themselves.
445
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,821
They always got somebody there
to kiss them goodnight.
446
00:20:23,455 --> 00:20:26,625
To take them to the local car wash
to get a shower.
447
00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:31,629
And they always got a woman
who willing to kick 'em in the stomach
448
00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:33,966
so they dick pop out like a cash register.
449
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:38,770
I need some help understanding something.
450
00:20:39,271 --> 00:20:43,341
Why was everybody hating on
the nepo babies this year?
451
00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:45,409
My son worked on my sitcom.
452
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,613
I hired and fired him every damn season.
453
00:20:48,513 --> 00:20:51,449
If successful parents
don't help their kids out,
454
00:20:51,450 --> 00:20:53,618
they might end up a damn criminal,
455
00:20:53,619 --> 00:20:55,953
or worse, asking us for our damn money.
456
00:20:55,954 --> 00:20:57,421
Ain't that right, Joe Biden?
457
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:58,724
Yes, Queen.
458
00:21:02,728 --> 00:21:04,795
You do know I ain't Queen Latifah, right?
459
00:21:04,796 --> 00:21:06,098
Hey, I don't see color.
460
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,600
- Come on.
- Come on up here.
461
00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:13,672
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for
the sleepiest president in the world!
462
00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:15,941
Joe Biden!
463
00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:22,246
- Hey.
- You all right?
464
00:21:22,247 --> 00:21:24,049
I can't see. Happy early Kwanzaa.
465
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:25,916
You know, I get a lot of...
466
00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:28,786
I get a lot of crap for pardoning Hunter.
He's not a nepo baby.
467
00:21:28,787 --> 00:21:30,555
He's a nepo man, baby!
468
00:21:32,157 --> 00:21:34,492
Nobody has ever said
anything nice about my boy.
469
00:21:34,493 --> 00:21:36,460
A lot of you guys don't know this,
but Hunter
470
00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:38,363
bought that crack with his own money.
471
00:21:41,233 --> 00:21:45,036
Oh, there's no way Michael B. Jordan
would have been in those Rocky movies
472
00:21:45,037 --> 00:21:46,738
if his dad didn't play for the Bulls.
473
00:21:49,441 --> 00:21:51,942
[mumbling]
474
00:21:51,943 --> 00:21:55,180
I mean, come on, you can do anything when
your dad's friends with Scottie Pippin.
475
00:21:56,181 --> 00:21:58,215
Well said, Mr. President.
476
00:21:58,216 --> 00:22:00,752
Come on, let's do a cool Black handshake
and get out of here.
477
00:22:02,254 --> 00:22:04,689
No, y'all white men
don't wash your hands after y'all piss.
478
00:22:04,690 --> 00:22:06,924
- All right, rain check, rain check.
- [Ross] Wow.
479
00:22:06,925 --> 00:22:09,327
I seen y'all niggas go to the bathroom.
480
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:12,864
Give it up for the President
and his new nurse.
481
00:22:13,598 --> 00:22:14,599
[Ray] Oh wait.
482
00:22:15,434 --> 00:22:17,234
Mr. President, are you having fun so far?
483
00:22:17,235 --> 00:22:19,270
I'm having a blast, Jeff.
Hit me, Uncle Jesse.
484
00:22:19,271 --> 00:22:20,171
[Ross] Wow.
485
00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:22,441
[band plays slow tune]
486
00:22:23,108 --> 00:22:26,011
Live from New York, it's Saturday night!
487
00:22:27,746 --> 00:22:30,147
- This way, Mr. President.
- We got a great show for you.
488
00:22:30,148 --> 00:22:31,682
Coldplay is here tonight!
489
00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:33,551
- This way, Mr. President.
- Cold...
490
00:22:33,552 --> 00:22:35,287
Who just shit my pants?
491
00:22:37,489 --> 00:22:39,056
This way. Pat, help him.
492
00:22:39,057 --> 00:22:40,692
- [Ray] Hey.
- [Ross] Wow!
493
00:22:41,426 --> 00:22:42,327
Wow.
494
00:22:44,029 --> 00:22:45,897
- Incredible.
- [music ends]
495
00:22:46,465 --> 00:22:50,067
Comedy, bringing people together.
496
00:22:50,068 --> 00:22:52,937
Roasting, healing the world.
497
00:22:52,938 --> 00:22:55,172
Right now, there's
a profound division in this country.
498
00:22:55,173 --> 00:22:57,308
- [organ plays]
- And I think a lot of that is because
499
00:22:57,309 --> 00:23:00,678
we don't listen to each other
until it's too late.
500
00:23:00,679 --> 00:23:03,248
Sometimes people take matters
into their own hands,
501
00:23:04,116 --> 00:23:05,250
like Luigi Mangione.
502
00:23:06,351 --> 00:23:09,454
I heard Luigi's new nickname is
the Uni-brower.
503
00:23:11,289 --> 00:23:13,125
But who better to heal us
504
00:23:13,625 --> 00:23:17,062
and remind us we're at our best
when we're united
505
00:23:17,829 --> 00:23:20,966
than the former UnitedHealthcare CEO,
506
00:23:21,700 --> 00:23:23,769
yes, back from the dead,
507
00:23:24,736 --> 00:23:28,473
the late, great Brian Thompson.
508
00:23:32,411 --> 00:23:36,080
[band plays "Funeral March" by Chopin]
509
00:23:36,081 --> 00:23:39,316
You lousy socialist pigs!
510
00:23:39,317 --> 00:23:41,519
Is this what you want?
511
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,721
Laugh it up! Here's a...
512
00:23:43,722 --> 00:23:46,558
Here's the free medicine, there you go!
513
00:23:47,125 --> 00:23:49,761
That's fentanyl, have as much as you want!
514
00:23:50,462 --> 00:23:53,165
It's fentanyl laced with more fentanyl.
515
00:23:53,799 --> 00:23:55,500
I'm Brian Thompson.
516
00:23:56,134 --> 00:23:57,202
[laughs]
517
00:23:57,803 --> 00:23:59,069
I... [giggles]
518
00:23:59,070 --> 00:24:02,174
I'm going to Hell for this,
you might as well laugh. I...
519
00:24:02,874 --> 00:24:03,941
I...
520
00:24:03,942 --> 00:24:05,676
I'm the CEO of UnitedHealthcare,
521
00:24:05,677 --> 00:24:07,845
and I understand
a lot of you are happy I'm dead.
522
00:24:07,846 --> 00:24:10,481
- [hesitant whoops]
- Yeah, I read the tweets.
523
00:24:10,482 --> 00:24:12,583
Yeah, I read the tweets.
524
00:24:12,584 --> 00:24:14,820
You don't think they have X in Hell?
525
00:24:15,554 --> 00:24:17,756
That's all they have in Hell.
526
00:24:19,191 --> 00:24:22,761
Half the people commenting on there
are burning in a pot of boiling oil.
527
00:24:23,762 --> 00:24:27,666
Let me tell you something, your reaction
to my murder makes me sick.
528
00:24:28,233 --> 00:24:30,668
And not the type of sick
I would immediately deny
529
00:24:30,669 --> 00:24:33,337
for not having the proper paperwork.
530
00:24:33,338 --> 00:24:35,407
You gotta have the paperwork!
531
00:24:37,108 --> 00:24:39,911
You should be thanking me for what I did.
532
00:24:40,412 --> 00:24:41,579
I'm the hero.
533
00:24:41,580 --> 00:24:44,782
In fact, as I was laying there
with that hunky,
534
00:24:44,783 --> 00:24:48,186
unibrowed Italian kid,
Linguine Mascarpone...
535
00:24:50,455 --> 00:24:52,556
standing over my bleeding body,
536
00:24:52,557 --> 00:24:56,628
my last thought was, "I love my job."
537
00:24:57,929 --> 00:25:00,731
I do. Because I help people.
538
00:25:00,732 --> 00:25:03,501
Not by giving them healthcare,
but by denying it.
539
00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:05,770
Oh, your nana needs her insulin?
540
00:25:06,304 --> 00:25:07,872
Your nana needs her insulin.
541
00:25:07,873 --> 00:25:11,209
Maybe your nana needs
to make better choices.
542
00:25:12,244 --> 00:25:16,080
Maybe one less
Little Debbie cake after dinner,
543
00:25:16,081 --> 00:25:19,550
and you wouldn't need
Big Pharma to bail you out
544
00:25:19,551 --> 00:25:21,219
of an early grave.
545
00:25:21,753 --> 00:25:25,790
But you didn't think about that,
did you, you selfish bitch?
546
00:25:26,591 --> 00:25:27,424
But what do I know?
547
00:25:27,425 --> 00:25:31,061
I only ran a company voted
America's most innovative provider
548
00:25:31,062 --> 00:25:34,532
by Fortune Magazine three years in a row.
549
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:36,901
That's right. Innovative.
550
00:25:36,902 --> 00:25:38,903
When you submitted a claim,
551
00:25:38,904 --> 00:25:40,872
other companies said no.
552
00:25:41,406 --> 00:25:42,540
We said,
553
00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:44,476
"Fuck no!"
554
00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:47,945
You think we put you on hold too much?
555
00:25:47,946 --> 00:25:49,948
We think you call too much.
556
00:25:50,448 --> 00:25:51,483
How 'bout that?
557
00:25:51,983 --> 00:25:55,452
Oh, your daughter has leukemia, huh?
Just yours?
558
00:25:55,453 --> 00:25:57,122
Just yours?
559
00:25:59,424 --> 00:26:02,226
And if you love her so much,
why don't you get off the phone,
560
00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:04,796
take her for ice cream,
take her wig shopping?
561
00:26:11,736 --> 00:26:13,471
He's dead. Now...
562
00:26:16,441 --> 00:26:19,143
The truth is, without people like me
563
00:26:19,144 --> 00:26:21,812
fucking over people like you,
564
00:26:21,813 --> 00:26:23,848
to help people like me,
565
00:26:24,349 --> 00:26:26,418
this country would fall apart.
566
00:26:27,052 --> 00:26:28,286
And that's on you.
567
00:26:34,326 --> 00:26:37,261
And look at yourselves
dancing in the streets,
568
00:26:37,262 --> 00:26:41,433
because that guy, Tortellini Mozzarella,
took me by surprise
569
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:45,103
like an unexpected medical bill
and shot me in the back.
570
00:26:45,971 --> 00:26:48,072
Apparently, he had his own back problems.
571
00:26:48,073 --> 00:26:49,640
I'm sorry, Luigi,
572
00:26:49,641 --> 00:26:53,911
but nobody feels bad
for a thin guy with back problems.
573
00:26:53,912 --> 00:26:55,714
Claim denied!
574
00:26:58,550 --> 00:27:01,352
But if you're happy I'm dead,
the joke's on you.
575
00:27:01,353 --> 00:27:03,587
Most people think
I'm out of the game right now
576
00:27:03,588 --> 00:27:05,256
because I'm rotting in Hell.
577
00:27:06,057 --> 00:27:08,126
Wrong! I'm working remote.
578
00:27:09,794 --> 00:27:11,729
And harder than ever.
579
00:27:11,730 --> 00:27:16,800
Just the opposite. Where do you think
the UnitedHealthcare headquarters is?
580
00:27:16,801 --> 00:27:20,438
That's right, down there
where the market's always hot.
581
00:27:21,039 --> 00:27:23,341
Right next to BlackRock and Ben & Jerry's.
582
00:27:25,844 --> 00:27:28,345
The Devil is on the board
of UnitedHealthcare,
583
00:27:28,346 --> 00:27:29,813
and now I've got his ear.
584
00:27:29,814 --> 00:27:32,950
And if you think I'm gonna hold back,
you're dead wrong.
585
00:27:32,951 --> 00:27:36,220
I'm taking healthcare
to a new level of Hell. That's right.
586
00:27:36,221 --> 00:27:39,189
The machine keeps rolling. Rolling on,
587
00:27:39,190 --> 00:27:42,761
just like your uncle's wheelchair
we no longer cover in his plan.
588
00:27:43,995 --> 00:27:46,930
Deny, defend, decompose!
589
00:27:46,931 --> 00:27:48,866
I'll see you at the retreat,
590
00:27:48,867 --> 00:27:51,235
and I'll see you down here very soon,
591
00:27:51,236 --> 00:27:52,504
Hawk Tuah!
592
00:27:54,472 --> 00:27:56,207
Goodnight, everybody!
593
00:27:57,442 --> 00:27:58,843
[Ross] Tim Dillon, everyone!
594
00:27:59,544 --> 00:28:01,012
Holy shit!
595
00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:06,417
Now the new CEO of UnitedHealthcare,
Tim Dillon.
596
00:28:06,418 --> 00:28:08,286
That was a great DEAD Talk.
597
00:28:09,387 --> 00:28:12,257
Amazing. One more time
for our friend Tim Dillon.
598
00:28:12,791 --> 00:28:14,426
That was fucking crazy.
599
00:28:15,794 --> 00:28:19,296
You may know our next roaster
from her hit Netflix special,
600
00:28:19,297 --> 00:28:21,799
or as Raygun
at the beginning of this roast.
601
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:25,836
Here to torch Tinseltown
is the amazing Hannah Berner!
602
00:28:25,837 --> 00:28:28,440
[band playing funky music]
603
00:28:39,517 --> 00:28:40,751
[music stops]
604
00:28:40,752 --> 00:28:44,121
You guys, welcome to
the Temu Tom Brady roast!
605
00:28:44,122 --> 00:28:45,824
[Ross chuckles]
606
00:28:46,324 --> 00:28:49,893
It is so nice to be in LA
for the final season of Hollywood,
607
00:28:49,894 --> 00:28:51,895
'cause it's a mess out here.
608
00:28:51,896 --> 00:28:53,931
Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly broke up.
609
00:28:53,932 --> 00:28:58,169
She claimed she found
"disturbing material" on his phone.
610
00:28:58,737 --> 00:29:00,505
I'm guessing it was his new album.
611
00:29:03,374 --> 00:29:06,677
You know, the broke up two weeks after
her pregnancy announcement.
612
00:29:06,678 --> 00:29:08,545
Such an American story.
613
00:29:08,546 --> 00:29:10,615
A machine gun ruining a family.
614
00:29:12,350 --> 00:29:15,886
Drake did a diss track on Kendrick
this year, and then sued him,
615
00:29:15,887 --> 00:29:18,890
which is exactly what you'd expect
from a Black Jew.
616
00:29:21,292 --> 00:29:23,194
The word "cunt" was trending this year.
617
00:29:23,695 --> 00:29:25,697
I don't think Blake Lively was that bad.
618
00:29:28,833 --> 00:29:30,701
Luigi's so hot right now.
619
00:29:30,702 --> 00:29:35,172
Who knew, besides Travis Kelce, that
you could become so popular with women
620
00:29:35,173 --> 00:29:37,474
by shooting loads into a billionaire?
621
00:29:37,475 --> 00:29:38,710
[groans and laughter]
622
00:29:42,113 --> 00:29:45,015
Now, I think girls love Luigi
'cause he made a plan,
623
00:29:45,016 --> 00:29:46,550
he showed up on time,
624
00:29:46,551 --> 00:29:49,787
and engraved messages
in every single bullet.
625
00:29:49,788 --> 00:29:52,589
Can you imagine what he would do
for your anniversary?
626
00:29:52,590 --> 00:29:54,225
Oh my God.
627
00:29:55,193 --> 00:29:57,761
You guys, nowadays,
anyone could become a star.
628
00:29:57,762 --> 00:30:01,865
A woman made $41 million
on OnlyFans this year.
629
00:30:01,866 --> 00:30:04,134
That's the same salary as Aaron Rodgers,
630
00:30:04,135 --> 00:30:06,538
except she sucked less balls.
631
00:30:07,806 --> 00:30:10,741
I'm so serious right now,
he's the worst Jet to come to New York
632
00:30:10,742 --> 00:30:11,910
since 9/11.
633
00:30:13,645 --> 00:30:16,414
I can say that 'cause
I'm from New York, you fake fucks.
634
00:30:18,750 --> 00:30:21,585
Chappell Roan says
she "doesn't want attention"
635
00:30:21,586 --> 00:30:24,589
while dressing like
a colorful Big Bird in heat.
636
00:30:26,858 --> 00:30:29,193
Look, I don't know
what a Chappell Roan is,
637
00:30:29,194 --> 00:30:31,930
but I definitely don't want her
reading to my kids.
638
00:30:35,133 --> 00:30:37,367
John Stamos is here! I'm so excited.
639
00:30:37,368 --> 00:30:40,104
He's the only uncle
that I ever wanted to touch me.
640
00:30:41,906 --> 00:30:42,774
[plays sting]
641
00:30:43,875 --> 00:30:47,177
You know things aren't great
when kids are safer in the Gaza Strip
642
00:30:47,178 --> 00:30:49,547
than at the Nickelodeon
Kids' Choice Awards.
643
00:30:51,783 --> 00:30:53,250
Someone just said, "Jesus."
644
00:30:53,251 --> 00:30:54,152
Be with you.
645
00:30:55,753 --> 00:30:58,722
Actors are struggling so bad
to stay relevant
646
00:30:58,723 --> 00:31:02,093
that a few of them are looking forward
to being named in the Diddy case.
647
00:31:06,397 --> 00:31:09,567
There was a lot of news this year
about a dancing wicked witch, but then
648
00:31:10,401 --> 00:31:11,569
Ellen moved to England.
649
00:31:13,905 --> 00:31:15,572
No, but look at the celebs nowadays.
650
00:31:15,573 --> 00:31:17,641
Gypsy-Rose, the Menendez brothers.
651
00:31:17,642 --> 00:31:20,544
It seems like the only way
to get a show on Netflix
652
00:31:20,545 --> 00:31:22,213
is to murder your parents.
653
00:31:22,981 --> 00:31:24,548
Someone tell Barron Trump
654
00:31:24,549 --> 00:31:26,184
I could make him a star.
655
00:31:29,621 --> 00:31:31,855
Thank you so much to Netflix!
656
00:31:31,856 --> 00:31:33,323
Thank you, Jeff Ross!
657
00:31:33,324 --> 00:31:35,259
And thank you, Beyoncé!
658
00:31:35,260 --> 00:31:36,827
Thank you to Beyoncé!
659
00:31:36,828 --> 00:31:40,331
- Give it up for Hannah, everybody!
- Thank you! Thank you!
660
00:31:42,700 --> 00:31:45,003
There are so many amazing things
661
00:31:45,904 --> 00:31:48,438
that we all forgot about in 2024.
662
00:31:48,439 --> 00:31:52,609
So now I wanna do a little gang roast of
some of the stuff that happened this year.
663
00:31:52,610 --> 00:31:55,212
Anybody remember
the eclipse happened in April?
664
00:31:55,213 --> 00:31:56,613
Did you forget already?
665
00:31:56,614 --> 00:31:57,915
[surprised murmurs, whoops]
666
00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:01,252
I knew they shouldn't have booked Lizzo
for a daytime outdoor concert.
667
00:32:03,087 --> 00:32:04,721
Tim, did you do anything for the eclipse?
668
00:32:04,722 --> 00:32:06,156
Yeah, it's the perfect adventure
669
00:32:06,157 --> 00:32:08,726
for somebody too poor and lazy
to see the northern lights.
670
00:32:10,328 --> 00:32:11,495
Real scum.
671
00:32:11,496 --> 00:32:14,932
I feel like the sun went light to dark,
and back to light again,
672
00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:16,234
like Ariana Grande.
673
00:32:16,734 --> 00:32:18,669
Oh, I thought that was Jesus' booty hole.
674
00:32:18,670 --> 00:32:20,704
- [comedians laughing]
- [Ross] Yes, the eclipse!
675
00:32:20,705 --> 00:32:23,508
I'm getting eclipsed
by Ms. Pat right now. Wow.
676
00:32:25,977 --> 00:32:27,477
I didn't even remember this happening,
677
00:32:27,478 --> 00:32:30,080
but somebody was telling me
that when the movie Dune came out,
678
00:32:30,081 --> 00:32:33,184
the popcorn buckets were very provocative.
679
00:32:33,751 --> 00:32:35,118
- [Normand] Oh yeah.
- [Berner] Yeah.
680
00:32:35,119 --> 00:32:37,855
If you eat it correctly,
it butters itself. What are you gonna...
681
00:32:39,557 --> 00:32:41,326
Looks like Ms. Pat bent over.
682
00:32:42,160 --> 00:32:43,560
[comedians laughing]
683
00:32:43,561 --> 00:32:45,595
- [Berner] Get him, Ms. Pat!
- [Morril] Oh shit! Okay.
684
00:32:45,596 --> 00:32:47,632
That look like the pussy Jeff Ross buys.
685
00:32:49,334 --> 00:32:50,734
Cheaper than a prostitute,
686
00:32:50,735 --> 00:32:53,237
and if you break it,
you don't have to bury it in the woods.
687
00:32:55,073 --> 00:32:57,308
This is what all vaginas look like to me.
688
00:32:58,743 --> 00:32:59,876
[Ms. Pat giggles]
689
00:32:59,877 --> 00:33:01,712
Yeah, it's just like I tell my Fleshlight,
690
00:33:01,713 --> 00:33:03,113
"My body, my choice." Come on.
691
00:33:03,114 --> 00:33:06,050
[Normand laughs]
Man, you got more lines than your son.
692
00:33:07,018 --> 00:33:07,918
[Ms. Pat cackles]
693
00:33:07,919 --> 00:33:10,220
- [Ross] Hey, that's good!
- Take that back, Mark Normand!
694
00:33:10,221 --> 00:33:11,855
- [Ross] Hey, that's good.
- [Ray] Hey.
695
00:33:11,856 --> 00:33:15,625
I'll come over there and [stammers]...
I'll come over there and...
696
00:33:15,626 --> 00:33:18,629
Hey, you're a good guy.
You're a good guy. I like him.
697
00:33:19,130 --> 00:33:21,899
That guy over there,
it's the first gay guy I ever met live.
698
00:33:24,402 --> 00:33:26,937
Speaking of kids
ruining their parents' lives,
699
00:33:26,938 --> 00:33:29,740
did you guys follow this at all?
Did you watch the Gypsy-Rose...
700
00:33:29,741 --> 00:33:32,042
- Do you follow her on TikTok?
- [Dillon] I love her.
701
00:33:32,043 --> 00:33:34,077
I will always support
a woman's right to choose
702
00:33:34,078 --> 00:33:35,213
to kill their mother.
703
00:33:36,347 --> 00:33:39,217
Black parents lock their door.
You can't get to us that easy.
704
00:33:41,252 --> 00:33:42,520
We'll fuck you up.
705
00:33:43,654 --> 00:33:45,289
"Parents"? There's no dad.
706
00:33:48,226 --> 00:33:49,060
[Ray] Oh shit.
707
00:33:49,627 --> 00:33:50,794
- That was funny.
- [Ross] Jesus.
708
00:33:50,795 --> 00:33:52,897
Mark Normand, ding, ding, ding, ding!
709
00:33:53,765 --> 00:33:55,699
[Ms. Pat] No... Ah!
710
00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:57,835
That was tonight's
Doritos Joke of the Night!
711
00:34:00,671 --> 00:34:02,540
January 6th was more planned than this.
712
00:34:04,375 --> 00:34:05,642
That's probably true.
713
00:34:05,643 --> 00:34:07,878
- [Morril] Jesus Christ.
- [Normand laughs]
714
00:34:07,879 --> 00:34:09,279
I don't give a shit about this.
715
00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:10,748
- Can I do a drones joke?
- [Ross] Yes.
716
00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:13,150
- Please, 'cause mine sucks.
- Yeah.
717
00:34:13,151 --> 00:34:15,018
- You saw the drones in Jersey?
- [Normand] Yeah.
718
00:34:15,019 --> 00:34:17,287
Usually when a guy from Jersey says,
"What is that thing?"
719
00:34:17,288 --> 00:34:18,790
he's talking about a trans person.
720
00:34:20,158 --> 00:34:22,326
That's tonight's
Fruit by the Foot Joke of the Night.
721
00:34:23,928 --> 00:34:25,830
- [Morril] Boom!
- This guy over here.
722
00:34:26,898 --> 00:34:28,665
Here's one that really confused me.
723
00:34:28,666 --> 00:34:31,335
John Krasinski, is that his name?
He was named
724
00:34:31,903 --> 00:34:35,205
People Magazine's
Sexiest Man Alive this year.
725
00:34:35,206 --> 00:34:37,442
Look at this guy.
I like that he's sad on the cover.
726
00:34:37,975 --> 00:34:40,912
That's how I look right after
I whack off to pictures of his wife.
727
00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:44,681
Like, even he knows he doesn't deserve it.
728
00:34:44,682 --> 00:34:45,750
[Stamos] Bullshit!
729
00:34:46,818 --> 00:34:49,653
- Luckily no one cares about this stuff.
- [Stamos] I care about this stuff.
730
00:34:49,654 --> 00:34:50,554
What?
731
00:34:50,555 --> 00:34:53,391
Krasinski wasn't even
the sexiest man on The Office.
732
00:34:54,425 --> 00:34:56,526
Everyone knows it goes
Carell, Craig Robinson,
733
00:34:56,527 --> 00:34:57,727
the dude who played Meredith,
734
00:34:57,728 --> 00:34:58,930
- then Krasinski.
- Right.
735
00:34:59,430 --> 00:35:02,099
- Sounds like somebody's jelly!
- No!
736
00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:05,035
Are you jealous because
you've never been named Sexiest Man?
737
00:35:05,036 --> 00:35:06,169
No!
738
00:35:06,170 --> 00:35:07,437
Come on, Stamos.
739
00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:08,872
- Little bit.
- Really?
740
00:35:08,873 --> 00:35:11,742
Those fucking people at People
had me on a 30-year losing streak.
741
00:35:12,310 --> 00:35:14,711
You know who loves me
who doesn't know Krasinski exists?
742
00:35:14,712 --> 00:35:15,980
Women that still buy magazines.
743
00:35:17,715 --> 00:35:18,548
Who else?
744
00:35:18,549 --> 00:35:20,351
Gay guys who still buy magazines.
745
00:35:21,018 --> 00:35:22,386
- I'm an ally.
- You certainly are.
746
00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:26,456
By the way, I'm so proud of you
and I'm so happy you're in recovery,
747
00:35:26,457 --> 00:35:28,025
- in remission.
- Thank you, man.
748
00:35:29,527 --> 00:35:32,529
I can't lose any more funny people.
The world can't.
749
00:35:32,530 --> 00:35:34,832
This looks like
the before and after of Ozempic.
750
00:35:36,100 --> 00:35:38,468
I just realized
this is Jeff's Make-A-Wish.
751
00:35:38,469 --> 00:35:39,903
This is so cute.
752
00:35:39,904 --> 00:35:41,938
Let's be honest,
this was the election result
753
00:35:41,939 --> 00:35:45,575
that pissed most Americans off, but
next year we'll take back what's ours.
754
00:35:45,576 --> 00:35:47,310
Let's make America sexy again.
755
00:35:47,311 --> 00:35:48,345
Stamos 2025!
756
00:35:48,346 --> 00:35:50,914
- [all cheering]
- [Ms. Pat] Yeah!
757
00:35:50,915 --> 00:35:52,782
- I love you, John Stamos!
- I love you, Jeff.
758
00:35:52,783 --> 00:35:54,652
You're a legend in my life.
759
00:35:55,887 --> 00:35:57,387
Play something sexy for me.
760
00:35:57,388 --> 00:35:59,222
Play one more sexy thing for me,
all right?
761
00:35:59,223 --> 00:36:00,991
- [Stamos] What do you got?
- I love this band.
762
00:36:00,992 --> 00:36:02,225
[piano playing]
763
00:36:02,226 --> 00:36:04,361
Now it's time for us to honor
764
00:36:04,362 --> 00:36:07,331
some of our fallen celebrities
that we lost this year.
765
00:36:08,933 --> 00:36:10,034
O.J. Simpson.
766
00:36:11,702 --> 00:36:13,303
If the casket don't fit,
767
00:36:13,304 --> 00:36:14,305
you must acquit.
768
00:36:16,574 --> 00:36:19,143
O.J. was known
for his rushing and receiving.
769
00:36:19,710 --> 00:36:22,647
But this year, way more fans
celebrated his passing.
770
00:36:25,383 --> 00:36:27,517
O.J. died peacefully, surrounded by
771
00:36:27,518 --> 00:36:29,987
his very gullible friends and family.
772
00:36:32,456 --> 00:36:36,526
When I first heard that
country star Toby Keith passed away,
773
00:36:36,527 --> 00:36:38,528
I cried a little bit, and then I realized
774
00:36:38,529 --> 00:36:40,598
I was mixing him up with Keith Urban.
775
00:36:44,135 --> 00:36:46,903
One of the biggest music producers
in the world, Quincy Jones,
776
00:36:46,904 --> 00:36:49,140
we lost him at 91 this year.
777
00:36:49,874 --> 00:36:50,941
People don't realize this.
778
00:36:50,942 --> 00:36:53,010
Quincy's middle name was Delight.
779
00:36:53,544 --> 00:36:56,514
De light is also what he saw
right before he died.
780
00:36:58,649 --> 00:37:02,085
Quincy Jones was also
a legendary jazz producer.
781
00:37:02,086 --> 00:37:05,189
In fact, his last wish was
to have his ashes scatted.
782
00:37:07,291 --> 00:37:11,461
[scatting]
783
00:37:11,462 --> 00:37:14,531
Quincy composed music
for award-winning films,
784
00:37:14,532 --> 00:37:16,399
but he always said his greatest score
785
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:18,636
was the heroin he got from Ray Charles.
786
00:37:21,405 --> 00:37:25,409
We also lost another award-winning talent
in the great actor James Earl Jones.
787
00:37:26,143 --> 00:37:28,545
He was amazing.
Give it up for James Earl Jones.
788
00:37:28,546 --> 00:37:30,081
[cheers and applause]
789
00:37:31,215 --> 00:37:32,949
But on the plus side,
790
00:37:32,950 --> 00:37:36,454
at least he doesn't have to sit through
that new fucking Mufasa movie.
791
00:37:39,390 --> 00:37:41,925
James Earl Jones
was a walking contradiction.
792
00:37:41,926 --> 00:37:44,362
He was a strong voice
for the Black community,
793
00:37:44,862 --> 00:37:48,666
but he also played Darth Vader,
the most famous deadbeat dad of all time.
794
00:37:50,234 --> 00:37:54,304
James Earl Jones won an Emmy,
a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony,
795
00:37:54,305 --> 00:37:56,640
otherwise known as an EGOT,
796
00:37:56,641 --> 00:37:59,442
as in, "EGOT diabetes and died."
797
00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:00,344
[drum plays sting]
798
00:38:02,747 --> 00:38:05,515
We also lost fitness guru Richard Simmons.
799
00:38:05,516 --> 00:38:06,716
Remember Richard Simmons?
800
00:38:06,717 --> 00:38:07,685
I loved him!
801
00:38:08,219 --> 00:38:09,954
Seventy-six years old.
802
00:38:11,055 --> 00:38:14,091
In his old age,
Richard got a little testy.
803
00:38:14,692 --> 00:38:16,893
"A little testy" also describes
804
00:38:16,894 --> 00:38:19,864
what was always peeking out
of those tighty shorts of his.
805
00:38:21,332 --> 00:38:24,101
Richard Simmons never
officially came out as gay.
806
00:38:24,669 --> 00:38:28,239
But if he wasn't, then
we really have to rethink what gay is.
807
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:31,741
Earlier this year,
808
00:38:31,742 --> 00:38:34,878
a biopic about Richard Simmons
was announced,
809
00:38:34,879 --> 00:38:36,480
starring Pauly Shore.
810
00:38:37,181 --> 00:38:39,517
So we cannot rule out suicide.
811
00:38:44,789 --> 00:38:46,390
And in case you hadn't heard it,
812
00:38:47,792 --> 00:38:51,027
world-renowned sex therapist,
Dr. Ruth Westheimer
813
00:38:51,028 --> 00:38:52,797
finally climaxed.
814
00:38:54,632 --> 00:38:58,368
Dr. Ruth is survived by two children,
four grandchildren,
815
00:38:58,369 --> 00:39:01,939
and one dresser drawer
that they're all terrified to open.
816
00:39:06,210 --> 00:39:10,314
Born in Germany, sex therapist
Dr. Ruth survived the Holocaust,
817
00:39:10,881 --> 00:39:13,584
and I think we can all guess
how she did that.
818
00:39:16,220 --> 00:39:17,054
Yeah.
819
00:39:18,222 --> 00:39:21,257
Legend has it she was the only person
at Auschwitz who insisted
820
00:39:21,258 --> 00:39:24,295
her number be tattooed on her lower back.
821
00:39:26,263 --> 00:39:28,299
She called it her "camp stamp".
822
00:39:31,836 --> 00:39:33,771
Everyone, bring me a drink.
Come out here, guys.
823
00:39:37,308 --> 00:39:39,876
Let's all raise a glass, roasters,
824
00:39:39,877 --> 00:39:43,847
to my friends Richard Lewis,
Bob Newhart, San Francisco,
825
00:39:43,848 --> 00:39:46,449
and all the other greats
we lost this year.
826
00:39:46,450 --> 00:39:47,684
How about a big hand...
827
00:39:47,685 --> 00:39:49,586
- [band plays lively music]
- ...for our roasters!
828
00:39:49,587 --> 00:39:51,354
Adam Ray, Ms. Pat,
829
00:39:51,355 --> 00:39:55,158
Tim Dillon, Hannah Berner,
Sam Morril, and Mark Normand!
830
00:39:55,159 --> 00:39:58,562
John Stamos! Wow, I love you guys!
831
00:39:59,296 --> 00:40:02,232
Shout out to my amazing family, our crew!
832
00:40:02,233 --> 00:40:03,500
Thank you, Netflix!
833
00:40:03,501 --> 00:40:05,702
We're almost out of time! No, wait.
834
00:40:05,703 --> 00:40:07,170
- Bring it down.
- [band plays softly]
835
00:40:07,171 --> 00:40:09,706
Shout out to
the Baltimore Bridge disaster.
836
00:40:09,707 --> 00:40:10,940
You were incredible.
837
00:40:10,941 --> 00:40:13,042
Exploding beepers in the Middle East,
838
00:40:13,043 --> 00:40:14,744
you guys came out of nowhere.
839
00:40:14,745 --> 00:40:19,349
Astronauts stuck on the space station,
we'll get you next year, I promise.
840
00:40:19,350 --> 00:40:21,985
Aaron Judge, see you at the ball drop.
841
00:40:21,986 --> 00:40:23,420
Gypsy-Rose, sorry about your dad.
842
00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:26,389
Pete, Gisele,
we left you out of this roast.
843
00:40:26,390 --> 00:40:27,291
You're welcome.
844
00:40:27,858 --> 00:40:29,726
To all my Haitian friends in Ohio,
845
00:40:29,727 --> 00:40:31,962
next time, dinner's on me!
846
00:40:32,730 --> 00:40:35,099
To Justin Timberlake, drive home safely.
847
00:40:35,733 --> 00:40:38,535
Taylor and Travis,
I got a diamond guy if you need one.
848
00:40:38,536 --> 00:40:40,838
You can find him
in the Jewish tunnels of Brooklyn.
849
00:40:41,639 --> 00:40:46,009
To JoJo Siwa, Moo Deng, Lizzo,
and all the other Costco Guys,
850
00:40:46,010 --> 00:40:48,511
stay demure, stay mindful,
851
00:40:48,512 --> 00:40:51,314
and I hope you all find
a nice guy in finance,
852
00:40:51,315 --> 00:40:54,484
trust fund, 6'5", blue eyes.
853
00:40:54,485 --> 00:40:56,820
To my fans,
I'm sorry I had to bail this year.
854
00:40:56,821 --> 00:41:00,957
I'll be back on the road doing my show,
Take a Banana for the Ride, real soon.
855
00:41:00,958 --> 00:41:04,260
Come see me.
Go see all these comedians live.
856
00:41:04,261 --> 00:41:05,629
They're all incredible.
857
00:41:06,163 --> 00:41:07,431
Incredible.
858
00:41:07,998 --> 00:41:10,467
And if anyone's thinking
about shooting a CEO
859
00:41:10,468 --> 00:41:12,635
to get mentioned on our show next year,
860
00:41:12,636 --> 00:41:14,905
don't do it. That's so last year.
861
00:41:15,439 --> 00:41:18,409
Happy New Year!
862
00:41:23,113 --> 00:41:25,115
[band playing rock version of
"Auld Lang Syne"]
863
00:42:24,808 --> 00:42:26,343
[music ends]