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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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I wanted to dress up for y'all.
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Wanted to dress nice
for you guys,
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so I wore Doc Martens.
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Yeah, we got any Doc Martens
in the audience?
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Okay. Like, four bisexuals.
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Very cool.
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Very cool. Here's a fun fact
about your Doc Martens
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if you don't know, y'all.
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If you take off your Doc Marten
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and you hold it to your ear
like a seashell,
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you can just hear the sound
of a woman going,
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"I only smoke cigarettes
when I'm drunk."
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It is crazy.
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And if you're thirsty,
shake it really hard.
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"Well, that's half a PBR
that just fell out."
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- * Two, three, four *
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Tamar Rubin!
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Drunken unicorn!
I want to hear you freaking scream!
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This is so sick, y'all.
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I love doing standup comedy
so much.
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It's my favorite thing ever.
I think...
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The question I get asked most
about doing standup comedy is,
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"What is it like
to do it as a woman?"
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Right?
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You guys are very cool,
so I actually wanted to share with y'all
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an incident that happened
to me recently
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that actually made me consider
quitting standup comedy.
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Not because
of the art form itself,
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but just because of what
a male-dominated field it is.
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And what happened was,
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I got my hair cut
and nobody noticed.
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And, you know,
before you're like,
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"Oh, that seems
a little dramatic,"
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I didn't just get a trim,
I had bangs, okay?
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My entire face
was different.
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No one complimented me, right?
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The closest thing I got
to a compliment was two weeks later,
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some dude was like,
"Hey, did you get taller?
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"Shout out." "What?"
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"No, no, I didn't get taller."
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I spent $150
on this stupid haircut.
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But then, to make things worse,
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like, that weekend,
this headliner from out of town,
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he came to Atlanta,
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and he took me
on the road with him.
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And while we were
in the car together,
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this guy unbuttoned his pants...
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Oh.
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...took out his dick,
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and started masturbating
in front of me.
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I was like, "Oh, my God,
what are you doing?"
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He was like, "I'm so sorry.
I can't help myself.
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"It's just
your new haircut. It's..."
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"I was like, "Wait, what?"
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"Okay, okay. Like...
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"What do you like
about it?"
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He was like,
"I just love curly hair,
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"and it frames
your face so nicely."
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I can understand what he said.
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Because yeah, he ejaculated.
But guys...
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Fellas, come on, give it up
for the one male ally
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I had that week. All right?
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#notallmen.
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Don't worry.
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I embellished that joke
a tiny bit, okay? -
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He was not a headliner.
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Just some guy, really.
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Something else about me,
besides being sick as hell, uh...
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I'm Jewish.
We got any Jews in the audience?
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I think...
That sounded like a lot,
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but I really think
it was just three
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very loud Jews.
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Very cool. Hell yeah.
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It's fun being Jewish
in the South.
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It really is.
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No, it is. Okay?
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It's interesting.
It's interesting. I'll give you that.
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Like, I did a show one time
in Acworth, Georgia, and...
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And no one ever really claps
for Acworth.
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If you're not familiar
with Acworth,
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Acworth is actually
a Latin word for a bad place,
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but...
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When I was there,
I talked a lot about being Jewish,
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and then afterwards,
this woman came up to me, and she went,
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"Oh, my God,
are you from Fort Lauderdale?"
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I was like, "No."
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She goes, "I was just there.
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"All the Jews
are in Fort Lauderdale."
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I was like, "Oh, my gosh.
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"No one tells this lady
about Israel."
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I think...
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The concept itself,
she would explode.
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It's okay, though.
It doesn't offend me, right?
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It really doesn't.
Because growing up, I was like,
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one of three Jewish kids
in my entire school,
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much like this moment
right now, and... -
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Growing up, all the other kids
used to tell me
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that I killed Jesus.
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Which is crazy, right?
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I was always like,
"Yo, why can't you just regular bully me?
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"Like, I'm fat
and wearing Crocs right now.
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"There's really no need
to get creative."
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But they would tell me that,
constantly, all the time.
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So much so that I honestly
kind of started to believe it.
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I know. That could stress out
a kid, right?
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You know, thinking
that maybe they have...
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murdered somebody.
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I'm gonna be honest with y'all,
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it gave me
unparalleled confidence, like...
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I am not exaggerating.
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The day after someone
told me that,
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this group of girls
wouldn't let me sit with them at lunch,
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and I was like,
"I'd be very careful, Britney.
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"Or this about to be
your last supper! Ha!"
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Later that day,
my mom stubbed her toe,
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she's like, "Jesus Crist."
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I was like, "What?
He back for round two? Come on!
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"I'll make him rise again!
Eat the body, eat the blood."
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I didn't know the terms,
you know.
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Just kind of throwing stuff
at the wall.
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I do love living in the South,
though, I do.
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I love the South.
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I'm really happy
to be back here.
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I was out of town recently.
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I went to a bachelorette party
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in Rosemary Beach, Florida.
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Yeah. Wow.
Rosemary Beach, you know,
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it's a nice place.
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It's not really
where you'd want to have a bachelorette party, right?
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Like, Rosemary Beach,
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it's not really like,
"Whoo! Let's party!" vibes.
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It's more like,
"Grandma always wanted to go to the Amalfi Coast,
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"but her doctor says
she should not be flying right now"
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vibes, you know?
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You know what I mean?
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Like, even my Uber driver
roasted me for being there.
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He picked me up
from the airport, he was like,
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"So, what brings you to town?"
I was like,
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"Oh, it's my best friend's
bachelorette party."
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He goes,
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"How old's
the bride? Eighty?"
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I was like, "Okay, dude,
that's kind of rude."
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He goes, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
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00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:04,885
"By the way,
I love that haircut."
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Told you it wasn't a headliner.
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I am super happy
for my friend, though, getting married.
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I am. They're, like,
super in love, super cool.
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Also, the guy she's marrying
is super rich.
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-Yeah.
-Yes.
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Yeah, that rocks.
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Love that for her.
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I personally...
Like, I've never really cared
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about marrying someone rich,
or really focused
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on being with someone
who had money.
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Um, because I personally
have never been attracted to anybody
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that had more than $37
in their bank account.
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And I think
that's a bad thing, right?
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People tell me it's a bad thing.
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Cardi B says it's a bad thing.
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Like, I mean, come on,
Cardi B has a song
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where she literally goes,
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"Broke boys don't deserve
no pussy."
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"I know that's right!"
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But I don't, okay?
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00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,447
I'm actually not sure
if that's right, Cardi.
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Y'all, I absolutely think
we should be giving broke men pussy.
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Okay? Bear with me
on this, all right?
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I absolutely think
we should be giving broke guys pussy.
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00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:22,630
Why? You give
a broke man pussy, that's a tax write-off, okay?
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Easy peasy. Lemon squeezy.
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Throw away
those Goodwill receipts.
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No one cares, all right?
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Also, it is true, though.
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Broke men
are way more romantic
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than guys with money.
They really are.
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Like, a broke guy,
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he's gonna box-wine
and dine you, you know?
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He's gonna go ahead,
he's gonna bring you the breakfast in bed.
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And, yeah, he doesn't own
a dining room table.
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Shut up.
That's besides the point.
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I'm kidding. I'm kidding,
obviously, all right?
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Broke guys have
dining room tables.
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That's just where they hold
all of their mail.
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They're not gonna open it.
It's bills, all right?
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Also, I like dating broke men
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because I like poems.
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Do we not know
about this life hack, y'all?
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00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:25,392
Broke men
love writing you poems.
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00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:28,729
My boyfriend writes me a poem
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00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:30,530
every single time rent is due.
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00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:32,833
It is...
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00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:35,703
You think Elon Musk knows
what a haiku is? Absolutely not.
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00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,541
It's cool, though, too,
because then, like,
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00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:43,210
when they do get you
a real gift,
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00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:45,045
literally, that one time,
it's like...
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00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:51,384
It's like, seriously
so much more special.
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00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:54,922
Like, my boyfriend,
he got me this necklace,
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00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,524
and anytime I touch it
or I look at it,
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I just think
about his cute little smile.
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00:11:00,928 --> 00:11:04,064
Because he chose to buy this
instead of getting Invisalign, and...
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00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,836
It was his last $200, right?
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00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,038
What are you gonna do?
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00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:17,911
Also, I've researched this,
okay? I stand by this.
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00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:22,515
Broke men eat the best pussy.
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00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:26,353
And they eat the most pussy
because they are starving.
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00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:27,654
Oh, my...
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00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:32,960
Y'all, we need
to feed these men, okay?
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00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,528
They cannot get enough
of that stuff.
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00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:38,598
A broke guy, he would flavor
his instant ramen
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00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:40,300
with a packet of pussy
if he could.
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00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:49,309
Fine. You know, fine.
Whatever, right?
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00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,778
Say what you want
about broke dudes.
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00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:52,612
A broke guy,
he's not afraid to get you wet
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00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:54,581
because he already owns
no slip shoes.
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00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,123
His favorite position isn't 69,
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00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:05,325
it's Section 8.
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00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,966
No, I have...
In all seriousness, though,
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00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,401
I have dated
a lot of broke guys.
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00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:18,105
It's good, though.
It's good for character.
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00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,477
I've had, like,
a lot of new experiences
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00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:26,646
that maybe I wouldn't have had.
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00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:28,181
No, really. Like, for instance,
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00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:32,685
I recently hurt my knee
really bad in a mosh pit.
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00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:36,123
Which is the oldest
and youngest sentence I'll ever say in my life.
227
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:40,994
Do we know what a mosh pit is?
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00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:43,030
-Yeah.
- Yeah?
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00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,365
Okay. A lot of you seem
like you've dated someone with bleached hair. Very cool.
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00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,136
Okay, for those of you
that don't know,
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00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:50,370
a mosh pit is like...
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00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,439
So when you go to a concert,
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00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:54,007
the band will be playing,
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00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:55,876
and then there'll be
this big group of people in the front.
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00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,277
It's usually men.
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00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:59,980
And it's like this little sweaty
boy soup, you know?
237
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:04,818
And during the band playing,
these men, they are...
238
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:06,286
They are hitting each other,
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00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:07,988
they are ramming
into each other,
240
00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:10,457
they are pushing each other
as hard as they can,
241
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:13,026
'cause a man would rather catch
an elbow in the face
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00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,395
than be caught
sincerely dancing, okay?
243
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:23,670
A man would rather have
to go to the doctor
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00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:25,705
than have anyone
see him move his hips.
245
00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:27,574
That is...
246
00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:32,812
But I'm used to, like...
247
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,915
I'm used to friendly mosh pits.
248
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:36,649
You know, the mosh pits
I've been in,
249
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:38,151
someone will drop their keys,
250
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,519
and then someone else
will pick them up,
251
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:41,388
and they'll be like,
"Keys, keys!"
252
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:43,723
so that person
can find them, right?
253
00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:47,094
But in this mosh pit,
I watched someone drop their keys,
254
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,862
then I watched someone else
pick them up,
255
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,230
make eye contact
with that person,
256
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:52,165
and swallow them whole
like a snake.
257
00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:58,906
And in that moment,
I was like, "I am not safe here."
258
00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:04,978
So I had to go
to physical therapy for my knee,
259
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,214
which is so embarrassing,
260
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:10,017
because literally everyone
in there was an athlete but me.
261
00:14:12,119 --> 00:14:14,554
Like, me and this guy,
we were standing next to each other.
262
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,223
we were doing
the same exercises.
263
00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:18,291
He was like, "Oh, soccer?"
264
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:22,095
I had to be like, "No, hardcore
Billy Eilish Cover, actually."
265
00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:31,738
I don't get any of the terms
that the therapist uses.
266
00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:32,973
There's this patch of grass,
267
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,242
sometimes people will do
their stretches on,
268
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,877
and my therapist, she was like,
"All right, Tamar, come on.
269
00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:40,647
"Gonna go do
your warmups on the turf."
270
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:44,117
I was like,
"You want me to squat on J.K. Rowling? What?"
271
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:52,092
I take a lot of workout classes,
272
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:55,095
and I've noticed a trend
273
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:58,431
in the workout classes
that are offered to you, right?
274
00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:00,800
You go to sign up for a class,
they'll give you a calendar.
275
00:15:00,867 --> 00:15:04,171
It'll be like,
"Grow-your-glute Monday."
276
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:06,806
Okay.
277
00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:08,575
"Big-butt Tuesday."
278
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:12,279
"Get-a-fat-ass Wednesday."
279
00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:17,384
"Where's-your-big-dump-truck,
you-ugly-bitch Thursday."
280
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:22,455
Arms...
281
00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:33,200
"To-lift-that-new-big
fat-ass Friday." Like...
282
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:36,970
Okay. All right.
I get it, okay? I get it.
283
00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:39,306
You want me to have a fat ass.
284
00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:42,042
Listen, listen,
I love fat asses, okay?
285
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:43,977
I do. I want one.
They look great.
286
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:47,347
I think we have taken it
a little too far.
287
00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:49,382
I do. I took
a Pilates class last week.
288
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:52,919
It was me
and 10 centaurs. Y'all... -
289
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:57,857
We are encouraging
unbalanced women.
290
00:15:57,924 --> 00:15:59,492
You go to the gym
any day of the week,
291
00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:02,562
you'll see a woman,
she is lifting 400 pounds with her legs
292
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,197
like it's nothing.
293
00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:05,398
Then she goes
to pick up her phone,
294
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,334
she's trembling,
she can't do it. It is...
295
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:12,239
It's not good. It's not healthy.
296
00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:18,045
I think men are so obsessed
with women not working out their arms
297
00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:20,547
because they don't want us
to be able to defend ourselves.
298
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,186
If a woman...
Nowadays, if a woman is walking home
299
00:16:26,253 --> 00:16:27,654
alone at night,
and she gets attacked,
300
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,722
she just has to bucket
her assailant like a horse.
301
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,327
That's a rape whistle.
302
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,932
It's hard as a woman,
you know, it is.
303
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:43,936
The standards,
they change so much, it's impossible to keep up.
304
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,872
Like Kim Kardashian,
305
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:48,075
that used to be
a fat ass, right?
306
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:49,509
She used to have a fat ass.
307
00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:52,045
Her ass, it's not even
really considered fat anymore.
308
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:53,380
Like, I was in the gym,
309
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:55,415
I saw a woman squatting
and looking at pictures
310
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:57,450
of the mom
from Dexter's Laboratory.
311
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:58,985
Like...
312
00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:04,691
Talk about an "Unrealistic
body expectation."
313
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:05,892
She is a cartoon!
314
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,032
I try to take care
of myself, though.
315
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:16,469
I do. I do.
316
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,938
I think a lot of why
I try to take care of myself now
317
00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:22,275
is because I was really ugly,
growing up.
318
00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:24,244
Okay, good.
You're all shocked by that. That's good.
319
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,715
I'm careful when I say that,
though, on stage,
320
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:30,417
'cause whenever
I say it on stage,
321
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:32,352
someone will always
come up to me after a show,
322
00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:35,788
and they'll always be like,
"You weren't ugly as a kid."
323
00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:38,558
And then I'll show them
a picture of me as a kid,
324
00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:40,593
and they'll be like,
"Well, that's just a bad picture."
325
00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:44,597
And then I'll show them
another picture of me as a kid,
326
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:46,733
and they'll be like...
327
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:49,669
"So are you
from Georgia originally, or..."
328
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:52,172
"Did you move here?"
329
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,443
I knew I was ugly
In high school, I realized it.
330
00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:59,646
I knew I was ugly
in high school,
331
00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:01,848
because I was friends
with all of my teachers.
332
00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:05,952
And that right there,
333
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:07,520
great way to figure out
334
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,356
whether or not
you're ugly. Like... -
335
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:13,126
I was best friends
with my math teacher, Mr. Bart.
336
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:17,497
Me and this man
would hang out one on one all the time.
337
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,632
He would drive me home
from school.
338
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:25,805
And no one ever said
a single thing about it...
339
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,977
'cause they took one look at me,
and they were like,
340
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:33,513
"He's not going to ruin his life
for that ugly kid.
341
00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:34,581
"Are you kidding me?
342
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,417
"Are you kidding me?"
343
00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:41,221
An accusation would be rude.
344
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:49,896
And for those of you
who did think
345
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,164
you were really hot
in high school,
346
00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:52,565
ask yourself this,
347
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,801
when your teacher was like,
"Hang back a second,
348
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,135
"we got to talk
about your grade,"
349
00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:57,470
did they prop open the door?
350
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,509
Did they prop open the door?
351
00:19:05,111 --> 00:19:06,646
Because if they left
that door shut,
352
00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:09,516
sorry, you were
an ugly Quasimodo just like me, okay?
353
00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:12,285
No one was worried about you.
354
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,691
It's okay. I'm hot now.
355
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:24,997
Despite being ugly, though,
356
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:27,099
actually, I was prom queen
in high school.
357
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,868
I was. Yeah.
358
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:30,737
I went to an arts high school.
That's how that happened.
359
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:33,440
But I...
360
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:36,075
I don't normally like
telling people I was prom queen, though,
361
00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:38,278
because they're always
very dramatic about it.
362
00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:40,413
They're always like,
"Oh, my God, why would you say that
363
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:41,614
"while I'm inside of you?"
364
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:48,855
I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry.
365
00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:50,590
"I thought we both wanted
to come.
366
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,161
"I guess not. Heard. Heard."
367
00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:01,701
I work in an office now.
368
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:04,971
Kind of.
I temp in an office now.
369
00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:09,409
I do. Which means
I watch a lot of Love Island.
370
00:20:10,943 --> 00:20:12,144
UK version. Don't worry.
371
00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:14,481
Do y'all know this show?
372
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,082
Oh, my God, this is the...
373
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,818
If you have not seen it,
this is the best show ever, okay?
374
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,219
It follows all of these Brits.
375
00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:21,621
They're all in their early 20s.
376
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,656
They all look like they're in
their late 50s, and...
377
00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:28,761
All they do all day
is just smoke,
378
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:30,763
and drink,
and hook up with each other.
379
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:32,332
It's amazing. It's so good.
380
00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:35,001
And it's normally really trashy.
381
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:36,603
But I was watching it recently,
382
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:41,608
and this woman on it
said something so incredibly profound
383
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:44,176
that I have not been able
to get out of my head.
384
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,245
She said,
I want to say it for y'all, she said,
385
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:49,682
Oh... Sorry.
386
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:55,688
Sorry. One second.
387
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,223
Give me 10 minutes. She said...
388
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,960
I... I... I... I...
389
00:21:01,027 --> 00:21:04,464
"I quite like it when a bloke's sucking me ears!"
390
00:21:12,905 --> 00:21:14,607
And I'm sorry, I know y'all weren't expecting me
391
00:21:14,674 --> 00:21:15,742
to be bilingual, but...
392
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:23,550
"I quite like it when a bloke's sucking me ears."
393
00:21:25,852 --> 00:21:29,889
Y'all, that has been stuck in my head for days, okay?
394
00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:31,123
It has been haunting me.
395
00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:32,425
I'm waking up
in the middle of the night,
396
00:21:32,492 --> 00:21:34,361
"I quite like it when a bloke's
sucking me ears."
397
00:21:34,427 --> 00:21:36,463
I'm at the grocery store,
"I quite like it when a bloke's sucking me ears."
398
00:21:38,865 --> 00:21:40,800
For the life of me,
I just can't shake it.
399
00:21:42,635 --> 00:21:44,303
And I was meditating
on it recently.
400
00:21:47,540 --> 00:21:50,510
I finally realized, like, "Oh,
401
00:21:50,577 --> 00:21:53,245
"I don't like that at all."
402
00:21:54,981 --> 00:21:57,417
That's got to be
the worst thing ever, right?
403
00:21:57,484 --> 00:21:58,918
If you're hooking up
with someone,
404
00:21:58,985 --> 00:22:00,587
and then they start
sucking on your ears.
405
00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:02,321
- Yes.
- Right?
406
00:22:05,492 --> 00:22:08,661
And I realized, like,
"Oh, I don't like that
407
00:22:08,728 --> 00:22:10,497
"'cause I wear
my grandma's earrings."
408
00:22:13,132 --> 00:22:14,166
Right?
409
00:22:16,235 --> 00:22:17,937
Which is also why
I do not like it
410
00:22:18,004 --> 00:22:21,441
when people suck
on my nipple piercings, and... -
411
00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:27,246
"Okay, chill.
It's a family heirloom, all right?
412
00:22:28,948 --> 00:22:31,818
"They were my dad's
before they were mine. Okay?
413
00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:34,353
"Relax."
414
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,959
I do have
my nipples pierced. I do.
415
00:22:40,026 --> 00:22:41,894
And I think it's
the worst thing about me.
416
00:22:43,963 --> 00:22:47,634
I got my nipples pierced
on my 21st birthday
417
00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:49,436
in the basement
of an establishment
418
00:22:49,502 --> 00:22:51,438
that is now
a hot chicken restaurant...
419
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,608
...by a man named Mushu.
420
00:22:55,675 --> 00:22:57,610
You know, like the dragon
from Mulan.
421
00:23:00,112 --> 00:23:01,748
The second after I got it done,
422
00:23:01,814 --> 00:23:03,916
I immediately
regretted it, right?
423
00:23:03,983 --> 00:23:05,384
I was crying my eyes out.
424
00:23:05,452 --> 00:23:07,620
All my friends were trying
to make me feel better.
425
00:23:07,687 --> 00:23:09,922
They were like,
"No, don't be sad.
426
00:23:09,989 --> 00:23:13,292
"I bet guys are going to think
that's really hot.
427
00:23:13,359 --> 00:23:15,728
"I bet guys are gonna think
that's really hot."
428
00:23:15,795 --> 00:23:18,297
Yeah, you know who thinks
nipple piercings are really hot?
429
00:23:18,364 --> 00:23:21,367
Fucking snake owners, okay?
430
00:23:25,204 --> 00:23:28,174
Y'all, it is the weirdest
of the weirdos
431
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,677
that are really into
nipple piercings, okay?
432
00:23:31,978 --> 00:23:33,780
If you show someone
your nipple piercings,
433
00:23:33,846 --> 00:23:35,582
they should be like, "Oh, cool."
434
00:23:35,648 --> 00:23:38,150
Anything above that,
and they are going to explain communism to you.
435
00:23:40,820 --> 00:23:42,855
They like metal in their mouth
and Marx on their mind,
436
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:43,990
trust me.
437
00:23:48,394 --> 00:23:50,530
Honestly, though,
not even snake owners think it's that hot
438
00:23:50,597 --> 00:23:53,265
because you do have to be
18 years old to get them done.
439
00:23:58,571 --> 00:24:00,807
Listen, I'm not here
to kink-shame anyone, all right?
440
00:24:00,873 --> 00:24:02,542
That's not my thing at all.
Not my vibe.
441
00:24:03,242 --> 00:24:04,276
But...
442
00:24:05,845 --> 00:24:07,446
...if you are one of those men
443
00:24:07,514 --> 00:24:11,117
that loves to suck on nipples,
444
00:24:11,183 --> 00:24:13,352
I think that you're a monster,
and you should kill yourself.
445
00:24:13,419 --> 00:24:15,988
That...
446
00:24:16,055 --> 00:24:19,592
Oh, I'm sorry, is that shit
not quite literally for babies?
447
00:24:21,894 --> 00:24:23,563
"Oh, you want
to suck on my nipple?
448
00:24:23,630 --> 00:24:25,565
"Do I need to burp you
and give you a teething toy, too,
449
00:24:25,632 --> 00:24:28,167
"you frigging loser?
450
00:24:28,234 --> 00:24:29,268
"Get a job."
451
00:24:34,674 --> 00:24:36,976
Also, I'm a girls girl,
you know. -
452
00:24:37,043 --> 00:24:39,679
I am. I'm a feminist.
I love Taylor Swift. Like...
453
00:24:45,718 --> 00:24:50,089
But if you are one
f those women that's like,
454
00:24:50,156 --> 00:24:53,993
"Me? I can come
from someone just."
455
00:24:56,028 --> 00:25:00,066
I can come from someone
just playing with my nipple."
456
00:25:00,132 --> 00:25:01,901
I think you should
kill yourself, too. That...
457
00:25:03,235 --> 00:25:05,104
That that cannot be...
Is that real? Really?
458
00:25:05,171 --> 00:25:06,673
Lady, are we really
out here coming
459
00:25:06,739 --> 00:25:09,075
from people touching
our nipples? - WOMAN: Sorry.
460
00:25:09,141 --> 00:25:11,010
No, y'all. My nipples...
461
00:25:11,077 --> 00:25:12,845
My nipples
are not sensitive at all.
462
00:25:12,912 --> 00:25:14,714
They didn't even cry
at the beginning of Up.
463
00:25:21,153 --> 00:25:23,723
I gotta take them out.
I know. I know, I do.
464
00:25:24,924 --> 00:25:26,125
It's just... It's hard.
465
00:25:26,192 --> 00:25:28,928
It feels so representational
466
00:25:28,995 --> 00:25:31,297
of the end of my youth,
you know.
467
00:25:31,363 --> 00:25:33,232
I feel like you take out
a nipple piercing...
468
00:25:33,299 --> 00:25:35,434
And, yes, mine are this big.
I feel like...
469
00:25:38,137 --> 00:25:42,241
I said, "Your biggest
or your brightest, sir." I said...
470
00:25:47,814 --> 00:25:50,282
I feel like you take out
a nipple piercing,
471
00:25:50,349 --> 00:25:52,151
you just immediately
have to pick up keys
472
00:25:52,218 --> 00:25:55,254
to a Subaru, and I'm...
473
00:25:55,321 --> 00:25:56,856
I'm not ready for that, right?
474
00:25:58,991 --> 00:26:01,560
But I looked it up,
and if I ever have kids,
475
00:26:01,628 --> 00:26:03,295
I'll have to take them out.
476
00:26:03,362 --> 00:26:04,897
Well, because it's actually...
477
00:26:04,964 --> 00:26:07,734
It's super dangerous
to breast-feed with a nipple piercing
478
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,469
because you could make
the baby polyamorous, and...
479
00:26:16,042 --> 00:26:17,076
That is fatal.
480
00:26:20,079 --> 00:26:21,447
I actually want to take a second
481
00:26:21,513 --> 00:26:23,616
to talk about something
that's very important to me,
482
00:26:23,683 --> 00:26:25,685
make sure that everyone's
on the same page about it.
483
00:26:25,752 --> 00:26:28,454
Do we all know
that we can carry Narcan now? - WOMAN: Yeah.
484
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:30,322
Do we know this?
That we can all... Yeah? -
485
00:26:30,389 --> 00:26:31,924
That we can buy it
over the counter.
486
00:26:31,991 --> 00:26:34,593
If y'all aren't familiar,
Narcan, it's this nose spray.
487
00:26:34,661 --> 00:26:36,495
And if someone's having
an overdose,
488
00:26:36,562 --> 00:26:37,764
you administer it to them,
489
00:26:37,830 --> 00:26:39,165
and it stops the OD
490
00:26:39,231 --> 00:26:41,367
with enough time
to get them to a hospital.
491
00:26:41,433 --> 00:26:43,369
So there's been
a big initiative
492
00:26:43,435 --> 00:26:45,004
to push people buying it,
493
00:26:45,071 --> 00:26:46,906
keep it on them
in case of emergencies.
494
00:26:48,107 --> 00:26:49,709
I bought Narcan,
495
00:26:49,776 --> 00:26:51,944
and I think it's made me
a worse person...
496
00:26:53,579 --> 00:26:55,982
...because I have
a really small purse.
497
00:27:02,554 --> 00:27:04,757
I can't always keep it
on me, you know?
498
00:27:08,060 --> 00:27:09,361
So I find myself...
499
00:27:09,428 --> 00:27:11,163
Every time
before I leave the house,
500
00:27:11,230 --> 00:27:15,902
I ask, "Is this place
I'm going cool enough...
501
00:27:20,707 --> 00:27:22,074
"...for me to bring Narcan?"
502
00:27:24,143 --> 00:27:25,511
And it's easy.
503
00:27:25,577 --> 00:27:28,347
It's an easy decision
every time, right?
504
00:27:28,414 --> 00:27:30,950
If I'm going
to a stand-up comedy show...
505
00:27:32,451 --> 00:27:33,619
You guys are crazy.
506
00:27:34,721 --> 00:27:35,955
I am bringing Narcan.
507
00:27:39,091 --> 00:27:43,395
But if I'm going
to an improv comedy show...
508
00:27:48,935 --> 00:27:50,870
...I am bringing fentanyl.
Oh, my God.
509
00:27:52,772 --> 00:27:56,542
Jesus Christ,
someone is going to die, okay? -
510
00:27:56,608 --> 00:28:00,046
Okay, them or me.
You can't OD on a "Yes, and..." Trust me, I've tried.
511
00:28:06,285 --> 00:28:08,755
Speaking of that,
I love cuddling.
512
00:28:08,821 --> 00:28:10,723
I do.
513
00:28:11,490 --> 00:28:13,359
Sorry. That's my vice.
514
00:28:16,428 --> 00:28:18,097
Sue me.
515
00:28:18,164 --> 00:28:22,401
Well, actually, you know,
cuddling is actually a lot like cocaine.
516
00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:25,171
How?
517
00:28:29,308 --> 00:28:30,476
I'd suck dick for it.
518
00:28:39,318 --> 00:28:42,822
Actually, I have been
very into role play recently, I have.
519
00:28:42,889 --> 00:28:45,758
Not like the board games.
The mature sex stuff.
520
00:28:48,694 --> 00:28:51,630
Actually, I got called a slut
in bed last night.
521
00:28:51,697 --> 00:28:53,732
I did. Thank you. Okay.
522
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:55,001
Couple of you like that.
523
00:28:55,067 --> 00:28:56,903
I can tell some of you,
though, think it's weird
524
00:28:56,969 --> 00:28:58,838
that my mom
still tucks me in, but...
525
00:29:04,076 --> 00:29:05,111
We're close.
526
00:29:09,481 --> 00:29:12,018
I'm pretty bad
at role play, though. I am.
527
00:29:12,084 --> 00:29:13,119
I'm pretty bad at it.
528
00:29:13,185 --> 00:29:15,454
I role play
like the exact same way
529
00:29:15,521 --> 00:29:17,423
I played Pretend as a child.
530
00:29:18,690 --> 00:29:21,393
It's a lot of setup.
531
00:29:21,460 --> 00:29:23,462
A lot of exposition, right?
532
00:29:24,396 --> 00:29:25,631
Do you remember
when you're a kid
533
00:29:25,697 --> 00:29:26,866
and you play Pretend,
534
00:29:26,933 --> 00:29:28,667
and just for two
and a half hours,
535
00:29:28,734 --> 00:29:30,502
you'd be like,
"Okay, we're playing mermaids,
536
00:29:30,569 --> 00:29:33,806
"and my name's Aquamarine
and my dad's King Trident.
537
00:29:33,873 --> 00:29:36,108
"He's king of the ocean,
and my tail is purple,
538
00:29:36,175 --> 00:29:38,477
"and my nail polish
changes color based off of my mood."
539
00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:44,951
Now I'm an adult woman
540
00:29:45,017 --> 00:29:46,785
trying to get freaky
in the bedroom, you know?
541
00:29:46,853 --> 00:29:49,355
But I'm still like, "Okay,
so I'm a sexy French maid...
542
00:29:49,421 --> 00:29:51,891
"...and you're my boss.
543
00:29:51,958 --> 00:29:53,392
"And you just
caught me stealing,
544
00:29:53,459 --> 00:29:54,994
"and you're gonna punish me,
545
00:29:55,061 --> 00:29:56,963
"and my nail polish
changes color based off of my mood."
546
00:30:01,100 --> 00:30:02,434
Because I'm gonna make it fun.
547
00:30:05,872 --> 00:30:07,673
If I'm being honest, though,
if I really think about it,
548
00:30:07,739 --> 00:30:12,078
I think I like role play so much
because I'm a theater kid.
549
00:30:12,144 --> 00:30:14,313
Right? Okay. Someone else who works in a restaurant.
550
00:30:14,380 --> 00:30:16,182
Very cool.
551
00:30:19,351 --> 00:30:21,087
But really, like...
552
00:30:21,153 --> 00:30:25,691
Role play has to be
the most theater-kid-kink you can have.
553
00:30:25,757 --> 00:30:27,894
Like theater kids,
we're so fucking annoying.
554
00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:29,695
We can't even suck a dick
without being, like,
555
00:30:29,761 --> 00:30:32,031
"Mmm, wait,
what's my objective here?"
556
00:30:34,733 --> 00:30:36,102
Zip, zap, zop.
557
00:30:42,474 --> 00:30:43,742
I actually think, though...
558
00:30:43,809 --> 00:30:47,013
I think theater kids
are the worst at role play.
559
00:30:47,079 --> 00:30:48,614
Because we're supposed
to be cum sluts,
560
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:51,050
we just end up being
method actors, right?
561
00:30:52,451 --> 00:30:54,686
You know, the guy
you're fucking, he comes in,
562
00:30:54,753 --> 00:30:59,225
he's like, "Yeah,
I caught you stealing.
563
00:30:59,291 --> 00:31:01,260
"I'm gonna punish you."
564
00:31:01,327 --> 00:31:02,561
And you're just like...
565
00:31:04,763 --> 00:31:05,932
"But, sir...
566
00:31:08,968 --> 00:31:11,971
"But sir, please, I had to steal
567
00:31:12,038 --> 00:31:14,506
"to send money back
to me daughter Cosette."
568
00:31:14,573 --> 00:31:18,044
* I dreamed a dream of time gone by *
569
00:31:25,551 --> 00:31:28,220
He's like, "Oh, my God,
how are you still hitting that note
570
00:31:28,287 --> 00:31:29,655
"with my dick in your mouth?
571
00:31:32,458 --> 00:31:34,326
"You're the perfect
mezzo-soprano!
572
00:31:36,828 --> 00:31:38,730
"Now seriously, spit on it."
573
00:31:41,633 --> 00:31:42,801
Y'all, I'm such a theater kid,
574
00:31:42,868 --> 00:31:45,237
I'm out here sucking dick
in iambic pentameter!
575
00:31:45,304 --> 00:31:47,273
Anybody else?
576
00:31:47,339 --> 00:31:49,841
"How shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?"
577
00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:50,943
Baa.
578
00:31:54,246 --> 00:31:57,616
Y'all, I'm such a theater kid,
my safe word's "Macbeth."
579
00:31:59,085 --> 00:32:01,387
Because old men do not like
when I say that stuff.
580
00:32:04,523 --> 00:32:05,958
Y'all, I'm such a theater kid,
581
00:32:06,025 --> 00:32:08,927
I named my vibrator
Chekov's Gun.
582
00:32:12,231 --> 00:32:14,333
Because I'm going
to use it, okay?
583
00:32:15,501 --> 00:32:16,868
That is my smartest joke.
584
00:32:24,576 --> 00:32:27,980
Wow, a lot of Chekhov heads
in here tonight. Very cool.
585
00:32:28,047 --> 00:32:30,316
Yeah, you like him so much?
Name seven of his albums.
586
00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:36,722
It's also, though, like...
It's really challenging
587
00:32:36,788 --> 00:32:38,624
being such a talented,
588
00:32:38,690 --> 00:32:40,826
professionally-trained
theater artist in the bedroom
589
00:32:40,892 --> 00:32:44,896
because, like,
I get too into character, you know.
590
00:32:44,963 --> 00:32:46,565
I have
this cheerleading costume,
591
00:32:46,632 --> 00:32:48,400
and my boyfriend thinks
it's super-hot.
592
00:32:48,467 --> 00:32:50,369
But whenever I put it on,
I never want to have sex
593
00:32:50,436 --> 00:32:52,004
because I'm too stressed
about the SAT.
594
00:32:52,071 --> 00:32:55,141
I'm like...
595
00:32:55,207 --> 00:32:58,210
"Babe, get off of me.
I'm making Mesopotamia flashcards!"
596
00:33:03,915 --> 00:33:08,187
Also like, I never know
when to get out of character.
597
00:33:08,254 --> 00:33:10,089
Right? Because
when you're in a play, it's easy, right?
598
00:33:10,156 --> 00:33:12,324
You get out of character
when the play is over,
599
00:33:12,391 --> 00:33:15,361
when that curtain comes down,
but y'all,
600
00:33:15,427 --> 00:33:17,196
when I'm out here
having, whoo, sex,
601
00:33:18,664 --> 00:33:20,266
when I'm out here roleplaying,
602
00:33:21,933 --> 00:33:25,537
I don't get out of character
until I come, so...
603
00:33:27,973 --> 00:33:31,009
There are times, all right?
Couple of times.
604
00:33:31,077 --> 00:33:33,712
Most of the time. It is...
605
00:33:33,779 --> 00:33:35,814
...four, five, six days
post coitus.
606
00:33:38,417 --> 00:33:40,186
I'm in the grocery store,
607
00:33:40,252 --> 00:33:43,289
my boyfriend is like,
"Babe, please,
608
00:33:43,355 --> 00:33:45,557
"we are in public.
609
00:33:45,624 --> 00:33:49,195
"Can you please stop being
Heath Ledger's the Joker ?"
610
00:33:53,432 --> 00:33:55,067
"Don't you dare kink-shame me!"
611
00:34:00,106 --> 00:34:02,040
Yeah. We have a lot
of women in here tonight.
612
00:34:02,108 --> 00:34:03,909
Hell yeah, ladies!
613
00:34:07,313 --> 00:34:10,316
Ladies, are you scared?
614
00:34:10,382 --> 00:34:12,818
Ladies, are...
615
00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:15,221
I'm scared all the time.
Oh, my God.
616
00:34:17,389 --> 00:34:19,491
I do have a question
for you, though, while I have your...
617
00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:23,362
Ladies, are you ever
having sex with a man...
618
00:34:24,296 --> 00:34:25,564
And if you don't do that,
619
00:34:25,631 --> 00:34:27,433
could you imagine a time
in which you would?
620
00:34:29,901 --> 00:34:32,304
Are you ever having sex
with a man,
621
00:34:32,371 --> 00:34:34,473
and you want it to be done?
622
00:34:34,540 --> 00:34:36,575
- You know?
-Yeah.
623
00:34:36,642 --> 00:34:39,111
You want it to be done,
but not enough to be like,
624
00:34:39,645 --> 00:34:40,646
"Stop!
625
00:34:46,552 --> 00:34:48,254
"Please stop!
626
00:34:51,390 --> 00:34:52,924
"She's just a child!
627
00:34:57,329 --> 00:34:58,397
"I beg of you!"
628
00:35:06,037 --> 00:35:07,706
So instead,
you're kind of just like,
629
00:35:14,213 --> 00:35:15,781
"Oh, yeah!"
630
00:35:18,417 --> 00:35:20,319
"Uh, I want you to...
631
00:35:21,220 --> 00:35:22,521
"come for me."
632
00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:26,392
"Oh, yeah, give me
that friggin...
633
00:35:27,259 --> 00:35:28,660
"little cum.
634
00:35:31,062 --> 00:35:32,598
"I'm ready, sir!"
635
00:35:38,404 --> 00:35:41,173
And he's just like, "Yo,
636
00:35:41,240 --> 00:35:43,875
"we haven't even left
this P.F. Chang's yet."
637
00:35:47,213 --> 00:35:48,214
The women are laughing.
638
00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:50,349
The men
do look devastated. Guys!
639
00:35:51,617 --> 00:35:54,586
Fellas, it's just
a little yoke, okay?
640
00:35:55,621 --> 00:35:57,323
We love your friggin...
641
00:35:59,625 --> 00:36:00,659
...little cum.
642
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:03,929
First thing in the morning,
in a smoothie,
643
00:36:03,995 --> 00:36:06,031
just like a mama used to make.
644
00:36:07,666 --> 00:36:10,068
Thank you guys so much.
I'm Tamar Rubin!
645
00:36:11,770 --> 00:36:12,871
Thank you.