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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[tuning]
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[gentle Hawaiian music playing over radio]
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[revving]
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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
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make some noise for Ronny Chieng!
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[crowd cheering]
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[upbeat music playing]
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[crowd continues cheering]
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[music fades]
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Thank you.
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Thank you, Hawaii!
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I'm turning 38, so I'm harvesting
my wife's eggs this year.
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I'm harvesting my wife's eggs
so that we can make embryos,
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so we can freeze the embryos,
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so that we do not have to have kids
right now because kids are what you have
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when you've given up
on your own hopes and dreams.
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[crowd laughing]
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I'm still trying here!
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I look at my friends
who are my age who have kids,
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and they all look like shit.
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[crowd laughing]
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It's gotten to the point
where I can't even take a photo with them
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and post it on my main grid
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because it messes up
the aesthetics of my Instagram too much.
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With their fucking haggard faces.
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Just drooping,
wrinkly crow's-feet-embedded heads.
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Receding hairlines.
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Just withering, graying hair
coming out in clumps.
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Because of their children.
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Like, I did a show,
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and someone I went to high school with
in Singapore came to the show,
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and after the show, I met up with them,
and they brought another person with them,
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and I was like,
"Oh, is this other person your mom?"
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"Thank you so much
for bringing your mother to my show."
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And that other person was also
someone I went to high school with.
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[crowd laughing]
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That's how fucking ugly…
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[crowd laughing]
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…these people have become
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because of their children.
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Just unrecognizable.
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So I'm trying to use money and science
to push the curve back a little bit.
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And, um, first step
of harvesting my wife's eggs is,
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I have to inject my wife
twice a day for two weeks.
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So, I have to inject my wife.
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I am the one injecting my wife
twice a day for two weeks.
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Zero medical training.
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I was given
no medical training whatsoever.
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The government lets you do this.
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The-- The doctor asked me to do it.
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The doctor was like, "Hey,
have you ever held a needle before?"
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"No? Perfect, here, take this,
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and inject your wife
in the middle of her body,
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like Nicolas Cage in The Rock."
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[crowd laughing]
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"Twice a day for two weeks
with chemicals that we mail to you."
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"Mystery chemicals
that we send to your house
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in unmarked brown boxes."
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"Just trust us that it's the right thing
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that you're injecting
into the person you love the most."
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Internet chemicals that show up--
It comes in a powder!
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I have to make it into a liquid,
you understand?
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It's a meth lab in my kitchen
as I'm mixing… the comp--
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I'm sweating the whole time
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'cause I'm scared I'll fuck up
the measurements and kill my wife
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with these powerful pharmaceuticals
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that you dissolve it in distilled water
completely, then you have to, like--
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The air bubbles are fucking up
the micro millimeter measurements.
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And then you have to
put it in the syringe.
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Then you have to flick the needle
with a positive attitude
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like you know what you're doing.
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[crowd laughing]
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[scattered applause]
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I don't know what I'm doing!
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I saw someone do this on Doogie Howser.
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[crowd laughing]
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[crowd whooping]
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I don't even know
the angle to put it into her.
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[chuckling] Like, it looks
so painful going in, like--
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I love my wife so much
I can't even bear to watch her in pain.
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I couldn't even bear
to watch the needle go into her.
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I had to inject my wife like this.
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I had to, like, cover my eyes,
and, like, backhand it…
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[crowd laughing]
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…into her like Kurosawa.
[imitates sword slash]
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"Did I get the middle of your body?"
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"No?"
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"Okay, just walk into the needle!"
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[crowd laughing]
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"I'm supposed to do all the work here?
Meet me halfway."
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And, uh, the doctor said,
"If you do everything right,
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if you… measure correctly,
you inject at the right times,
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they scan, like, this part of her body,
you know, that Chicago Bulls logo.
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- Right? And they were like…
- [crowd laughing]
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…"If you do everything right,
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based on what we can tell,
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you should expect 15 eggs."
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[inhales]
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And my wife ended up getting 26.
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[scattered whooping and applause]
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Yeah. Always a…
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[applause]
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Yeah, always like a late,
half-hearted response to…
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[crowd laughing]
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Usually, the women in the crowd
are like, "Whoo, yeah."
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All the men in the crowd are always like…
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[crowd laughing]
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"Is that a good number?"
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"Is 26 a good number of eggs?"
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"How many eggs equal one bebe?"
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"Is it four eggs is one bebe?"
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"So 26 eggs is six and a half bebes
if you squish it together…"
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Let me put this in a language
that men can understand, okay?
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Twenty-six eggs from one vagina,
in one cycle, is MVP numbers.
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[crowd laughing]
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Twenty-six eggs is like,
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if Magic Johnson averaged
the triple-double and killed his own AIDS.
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[crowd laughing]
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Okay? That's the level
of medical miracle that's happening
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in whatever this part of my wife's body,
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that horn of the bull
that, like, curls into itself.
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The doctor, like, scraped out 26 eggs
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out of my wife's vagina, like salmon roe.
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Just scooping out.
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Just dripping out, and then you put it
in some nigiri, right?
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And then you eat it.
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That's how babies are made.
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You gotta Salt Bae the eggs
onto the ikura, and then you eat it.
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So, uh, we're trying to make embryos.
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So, eggs, that's just half the equation.
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I don't know if you know
how embryos are made,
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but eggs, that's just half of it.
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She did her part admirably.
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So now I have to contribute
my half of the embryo equation.
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So I'm sitting in the doctor's office.
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[exhales]
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Like a wet pigeon, all right?
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And the doctor comes over.
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And the doctor's a woman
because of course she is.
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She's like, "Good morning, Mr. Chieng."
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"So, um, when's the last time
you ejaculated?"
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My wife is right here,
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and she's like, "Yeah,
when is the last time you ejaculated?"
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[crowd laughing]
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"We would all like to know."
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It's the one time in life where you're
not allowed to lie about jerking off.
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It's when a medical professional
is asking you a direct question.
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And it's for reproduction.
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It's for the intended purpose,
so you gotta tell the truth.
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So I'm like,
"Whatever, I'll tell the truth."
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"Uh, let me check my calendar, uh…"
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[crowd laughing]
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"I guess the last time
I ejaculated was, um…"
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"Let me see…
Uh, yesterday, around 3:00 p.m."
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[crowd laughing]
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And my wife is like,
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"Yesterday…
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I was with you all day."
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[crowd laughing]
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And I was like, "Yeah, but remember
when you took out the trash?"
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[crowd laughing]
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[crowd cheering]
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Because I also put up MVP numbers.
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Against a shot clock.
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And heavy defensive pressure.
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But I was thinking of you the whole time.
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It's really hot the way you carried out
that dripping garbage bag
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full of fish sauce
or whatever Vietnamese people eat.
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My wife is Vietnamese.
I've no idea what the fuck she eats.
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Nước mắm. [chuckles]
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And I went into the room in the hospital
you go to jerk off.
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It's the medical jerking-off room.
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Every hospital
has a medical jerking-off room.
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Okay? It's nondescript,
not a lot of signage.
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Smaller than I think it should be.
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Lots of crinkly tracing paper
under your butt.
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And I'm sitting
in a medical jerking-off room.
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By myself.
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And there's grown men outside the door,
waiting for me to finish…
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[crowd laughing]
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…so they, too,
can use the medical jerking-off room
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that we are sharing like a WeWork.
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[crowd laughing]
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And I'm in a medical
jerking-off room by myself.
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And…
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I couldn't go!
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Okay? Sorry!
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Sorry for not being a pervert who can just
jerk off in hospitals on demand.
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I'm sorry!
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Sorry for not being a sex offender
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who can just jerk off
as people are dying above me and below me!
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Sorry!
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Sorry the thought of someone
getting defibrillated back into life
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in the adjoining operating theaters,
as they code to death painfully,
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and the families
crying in the waiting room
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wasn't turning me on.
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00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:38,054
[crowd laughing]
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00:10:41,849 --> 00:10:43,225
So I couldn't go. I couldn't go.
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So I just call 911, right?
I'm like… [chuckles]
202
00:10:45,561 --> 00:10:47,355
[crowd laughing]
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{\an8}I'm like, "These people are forcing me
to medically ejaculate
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in a completely sterile room."
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Uh, I call the doctor back in,
and I'm like, "Doc, I can't go."
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"Okay? I can't medically ejaculate
under these circumstances."
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00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:03,287
"The vibes are off."
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00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:08,584
"Let me go home. Let me go home
to medically ejaculate. Can I do that?"
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00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,670
And the doctor's like,
"Yeah, you can go home,
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00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:13,381
but, you know,
as soon as it comes out of your body,
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00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:17,259
it expires quicker
than avocados in Hawaii, alright?"
212
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:19,261
- "You've got…"
- [crowd laughing]
213
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:20,805
"You have, like, a 45-minute window
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00:11:20,888 --> 00:11:24,141
before there's like an exponential
decreasing probability of…" [gibberish]
215
00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:25,309
I'm like, "Okay, fine."
216
00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:29,438
"I'll go home, I'll medically ejaculate,
I'll come back in 45 minutes, no problem."
217
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So I go home, open the front door,
ejaculate immediately.
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00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:34,527
Alright? This is…
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00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:36,445
[crowd laughing]
220
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,989
Alright? This is home court advantage.
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I know where everything is,
I know what's behind me.
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I look at the dripping garbage bag.
223
00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:46,914
[crowd laughing]
224
00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:49,792
It's like a Pavlovian response
at this point. Um…
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00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,962
I ejaculate into a cup.
226
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,339
Okay? It's a cup that they gave me.
227
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,466
It's not a fucking coffee mug
from my kitchen.
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00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,260
[crowd laughing]
229
00:11:59,343 --> 00:12:01,762
That says, "World's Best Dad" on it.
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00:12:04,598 --> 00:12:07,560
[chuckles] It's the cup
that they use-- doctors give you
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00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:09,019
to test your pee for drugs.
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00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:12,523
It's got a really tight cap, right?
So, I ejaculate into the cup.
233
00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:16,026
It keeps overflowing,
so I gotta keep, like, pouring it out.
234
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:17,486
[crowd laughing]
235
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:23,617
Just overwhelming amounts.
236
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,077
[crowd laughing]
237
00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:27,496
It's like Ghostbusters 2 up in here.
238
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,206
[crowd laughing]
239
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:34,462
[chuckling] I fill it to the brim,
and then I scrape off the top, and then I…
240
00:12:35,671 --> 00:12:38,340
And then I seal the cap
as tight as I can, right?
241
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:39,967
Get it really nice and tight.
242
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,846
And then I-- I put it inside my T-shirt,
243
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,932
next to my skin, under my armpit.
244
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:48,976
Nice and snug.
245
00:12:49,059 --> 00:12:51,479
Because the doctor told me to do that.
246
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,858
Because apparently, like the Titanic,
247
00:12:55,941 --> 00:12:58,569
your body heat
will keep your people alive.
248
00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:03,908
And then I run downstairs,
and I jump into a New York City taxi,
249
00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:06,786
and I'm like, "Take me
to Langone Hospital, please. Hurry up."
250
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:10,372
The taxi driver is like, "What the fuck
are you doing with your hand?"
251
00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:12,875
"Are you okay?"
252
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:14,335
I'm like, "Oh, yeah, no, I'm fine."
253
00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:17,963
"No, it's not me. It's my-- my wife.
She's wait-- A person… It's my jizz."
254
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:20,049
[crowd laughing]
255
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:24,094
And New York City taxis
have seen much worse.
256
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:27,932
So, the taxi driver was like,
"Oh, okay, cool."
257
00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:31,811
"Thank you for using a cup."
258
00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:33,896
[crowd laughing]
259
00:13:35,272 --> 00:13:37,858
"Unlike the last two dudes
who were back there."
260
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:41,153
Just raw dogging at the JFK,
you know what I'm saying?
261
00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:44,406
And, uh, we get to the--
we get to the hospital, right?
262
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,826
I open the taxi door.
I run into the hospital.
263
00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:50,162
And because it's New York City,
someone on the sidewalk is like,
264
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:51,997
"Hey, yo! Hey, yo!"
265
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,583
"Were you that guy in Shang-Chi?"
266
00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:57,670
[crowd laughing]
267
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,926
"Am I… Yes, I was a minor character
in the Marvel movie Shang-Chi,
268
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:04,927
not the main guy."
269
00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:10,683
And the guy's like,
"Yo! Yo! Can I get a photo with you?"
270
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:14,770
And I'm like,
271
00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:16,230
"Okay, sure."
272
00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:18,732
[crowd laughing]
273
00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:25,948
So, we take a photo like this.
274
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:30,452
So, someone on the internet
has a photo of me and this stranger.
275
00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:31,954
And I'm doing this.
276
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:33,664
Like Napoleon.
277
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:39,920
If you ever come across this photo,
just know I am holding my own jizz.
278
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:42,381
[crowd laughing]
279
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:45,968
So feel free to tag it.
280
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:47,678
[crowd laughing]
281
00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:50,472
He was very grateful.
He was like, "Aw, thanks so much, man."
282
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:53,183
And I was like, "No problem, man."
I shake his hand, right?
283
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:55,227
[crowd laughing]
284
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:58,898
Because I love meeting my fans.
285
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:03,193
And I run into the hospital, right?
Already hitting the 45-minute mark.
286
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:06,530
End of the fourth quarter.
There's no time left on the clock.
287
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:09,074
So I just take my jizz
and I just throw a buzzer-beater.
288
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:12,077
Right? The doctor, like,
catches my jizz, like…
289
00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:14,163
[crowd laughing]
290
00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:18,000
Like Odell Beckham.
She just, like, one hand, grabs it,
291
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:21,003
and, like, in the same motion,
without even putting it down,
292
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:25,382
she, like, alley-oops my jizz
into my wife's eggs, right?
293
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:29,511
Just takes it, and she goes,
"Boom, shaka-laka!"
294
00:15:31,221 --> 00:15:33,557
And, uh, my sperm goes
into my wife's eggs,
295
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:37,603
and then nobody knows what happens
when sperm goes into the egg.
296
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:39,730
Nobody knows. It's a mystery.
297
00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:43,025
It's a mystery of the universe.
Nobody knows.
298
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:46,070
When sperm goes into the egg,
it's unknowable. Ooh, it's…
299
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:48,113
It's like the event horizon
on a black hole.
300
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:51,158
No one can know what happens
when sperm goes into the egg.
301
00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:52,618
Sometimes, nothing happens.
302
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:56,413
When sperm goes into the egg,
sometimes, it becomes a bubble tea.
303
00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:58,749
[crowd laughing]
304
00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:02,211
Nobody knows where bubble tea comes from.
305
00:16:03,587 --> 00:16:05,089
It's "tapioca."
306
00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:09,426
The sperm goes into the egg,
and then you shake it,
307
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:11,845
and you go to Vegas,
you throw it on the crap table…
308
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:15,307
And if you're lucky,
if you get a good dice roll, right?
309
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:16,809
It becomes a blastocyst.
310
00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:20,270
That's what we call
future humans, blastocysts.
311
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:21,730
It becomes embryos.
312
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,816
The doctor, she'll take all the embryos
313
00:16:23,899 --> 00:16:26,110
and she'll look at them
under the microscope,
314
00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:28,070
and she'll grade the embryos.
315
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:29,863
Like cocaine.
316
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:32,032
[crowd laughing]
317
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:36,745
She'll be like, "Ooh, yeah, these ones?
These are A-grade embryos right here."
318
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,330
[snorting]
319
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:40,582
[crowd laughing]
320
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:44,378
"These ones, these are-- these are
B-grade embryos, so-- so I don't know."
321
00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:47,506
[crowd laughing]
322
00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:50,426
"These-- These ones?
These are C-grade embryos…" [grumbles]
323
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:51,677
"Oh, and these ones?"
324
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,763
"Yeah, these-- these are--
These are D-grade embryos."
325
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:58,767
"Yeah, these… These will storm
the Capitol someday." Alright? So…
326
00:16:58,851 --> 00:16:59,810
[crowd laughing]
327
00:16:59,893 --> 00:17:01,228
You don't want that.
328
00:17:02,062 --> 00:17:02,980
And then…
329
00:17:03,063 --> 00:17:06,734
[crowd cheering]
330
00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:12,322
And then you have to, like,
draft pick your kids
331
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:15,743
based on scouting reports and analytics.
332
00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:18,245
And you don't know.
You're just projecting data.
333
00:17:18,328 --> 00:17:21,498
You just hope you're not throwing away
a Tom Brady in the 12th round
334
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:26,420
that's going to overcome the odds
and become the greatest of all time
335
00:17:26,503 --> 00:17:28,797
because you can't measure
the human spirit.
336
00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:32,926
And, uh, we all like to think
we're good people in this room,
337
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:36,346
but we're all picking
the A-grade embryos, okay?
338
00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:41,185
No one here is not picking
your A-grade embryos if given a choice.
339
00:17:41,268 --> 00:17:43,979
Even if you were a B-grade embryo.
340
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,481
[crowd laughing]
341
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,400
You would still pick your A-grade embryos.
342
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:51,403
Because you'll be like,
"I know what it's like."
343
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:56,116
"I'm not putting my kids
through this B-grade human existence,
344
00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:58,952
with sweaty palms and sciatica."
345
00:17:59,036 --> 00:18:01,288
[crowd laughing]
346
00:18:01,371 --> 00:18:04,333
"Give me the A-grade shit.
Give me the best we could do."
347
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:06,376
"Give my kid a fighting chance."
348
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:10,631
And it got me thinking about the future
a little bit because I never wanted kids.
349
00:18:10,714 --> 00:18:12,424
I never thought I would have kids.
350
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:16,303
The only thing I ever wanted to do
my whole life was this.
351
00:18:16,887 --> 00:18:18,806
Stand-up comedy in America.
352
00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:21,892
[crowd cheering]
353
00:18:21,975 --> 00:18:23,310
It's the best.
354
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:27,022
Look at this. It's the best.
355
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:32,277
You are cheering because you know
this is way better than having kids.
356
00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:33,612
[crowd laughing]
357
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:36,532
[crowd whooping]
358
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:38,325
So much more fun and lucrative.
359
00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:42,246
Well, the blastocysts are real now.
360
00:18:42,329 --> 00:18:44,748
There's eight of them
waiting for me in the cloud.
361
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:46,667
Um…
362
00:18:46,750 --> 00:18:50,129
33% chance of successful
implantation with grade-A embryos.
363
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:52,840
So, I guess that makes me
a mass murderer in Alabama.
364
00:18:54,341 --> 00:18:57,678
It got me thinking about the future.
What kind of parent am I gonna be?
365
00:18:57,761 --> 00:19:01,431
Am I gonna be
the same kind of parent my parents were,
366
00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:05,310
or am I gonna be better
than my parents were?
367
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:07,146
Be more emotionally supportive
368
00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:09,565
or whatever the fuck
you're supposed to be now, and…
369
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:13,735
Thinking about it, turns out I'm gonna be
just as bad as my parents were.
370
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:16,697
I can-- I can feel it.
I can feel it inside me.
371
00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:19,116
I can feel the--
I can feel the Chinese inside me.
372
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:24,246
I can just feel that high expectation,
just low tolerance for excuses.
373
00:19:24,329 --> 00:19:28,292
It's in here. It's right in here.
It's like the default app.
374
00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:31,545
You know, you can't delete
the calculator app. There's no "X."
375
00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:33,630
When you shake it, there's no "X."
376
00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:37,676
You can move it off the home screen,
but it's still in the OS, embedded.
377
00:19:37,759 --> 00:19:39,928
[crowd laughing]
378
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,598
In the operating system,
I can feel the Chinese.
379
00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:45,934
If my blastocyst was real,
if it entered this reality,
380
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:49,479
and it turned to be
the cutest blastocyst ever.
381
00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:51,440
"Oh my God, look at this blastocyst."
382
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:54,151
"Everybody, look.
Look at how beautiful this blastocyst is."
383
00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:56,028
"I love you so much, blastocyst."
384
00:19:56,111 --> 00:19:58,989
"I love you much more
than I thought I would." [kisses]
385
00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:01,867
And your blastocyst
is hugging you back, right, they're like…
386
00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:03,744
[in child's voice]
"I love you too, Daddy."
387
00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:06,413
"Daddy, Daddy."
388
00:20:06,496 --> 00:20:10,584
"When I grow up,
I want to be a stand-up comedian."
389
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,462
"Just like you."
390
00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:18,550
[crowd laughing]
391
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:20,719
I just feel the Chinese coming on, right?
392
00:20:20,802 --> 00:20:22,137
- I just…
- [crowd laughing]
393
00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:29,228
You take your glasses off
like Hitler in the bunker.
394
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:31,313
[crowd laughing]
395
00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:40,072
"Stand-up comedy?
Are you out of your fucking mind?!"
396
00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:41,823
[crowd laughing]
397
00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:43,700
"That's not even a real job!"
398
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:46,620
"What do you think is gonna happen?"
399
00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:49,957
"Just gonna run around America
and tell jokes to strangers
400
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,417
who don't give a fuck
about your mental health?"
401
00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:56,922
"And even if you do somehow
manage to overcome the odds,
402
00:20:57,005 --> 00:21:00,342
and make it to even
a semi-professional level
403
00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:02,010
as a stand-up comedian,
404
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:07,516
do you think there's any chance in hell
you'll be funnier than me?!"
405
00:21:07,599 --> 00:21:10,727
[crowd laughing]
406
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:12,688
[applause]
407
00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:16,650
[crowd cheering]
408
00:21:16,733 --> 00:21:20,070
"Dad is a borderline arena act
in some markets!"
409
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:22,864
"Have you seen my IMDb page?"
410
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:26,451
"I'm in everything!
I will fucking crush your career!"
411
00:21:27,577 --> 00:21:28,620
Osoto gari!
412
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:33,500
"Your mother and I just spent a fortune
to make an A-grade blastocyst
413
00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:36,878
for them to become a B-grade comedian."
414
00:21:38,297 --> 00:21:41,049
"I will never watch anything you do."
415
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,719
"Go to law school!"
416
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:45,804
[crowd laughing]
417
00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:51,059
[crowd cheering]
418
00:21:57,899 --> 00:21:59,985
Is what my father said to me.
419
00:22:00,068 --> 00:22:02,070
[crowd laughing]
420
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:13,457
I do think it's tough
for straight men in 2024
421
00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:17,377
to sincerely look up
self-improvement on the internet
422
00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:21,214
without five weeks later
storming the Capitol, okay?
423
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:27,971
That men's self-help YouTube algorithm
is very unkind to straight men right now.
424
00:22:28,055 --> 00:22:31,433
Okay? I'm not saying
it's the biggest problem in the world.
425
00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:32,768
Clearly.
426
00:22:32,851 --> 00:22:35,062
But it is a problem, okay?
427
00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:40,525
Because men were genetically predisposed
to seek self-improvement.
428
00:22:40,609 --> 00:22:43,570
Okay? We're trying
to be better people every day.
429
00:22:43,653 --> 00:22:45,322
Believe it or not, women.
430
00:22:46,156 --> 00:22:48,867
[crowd laughing]
431
00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:52,746
Once we hit a certain age, okay?
432
00:22:52,829 --> 00:22:54,915
Usually we die before then.
433
00:22:57,250 --> 00:23:00,545
Through suicide or environmental factors.
434
00:23:00,629 --> 00:23:03,924
BMX biking, dietary choices…
435
00:23:04,007 --> 00:23:06,426
But if you can live long enough as a man,
436
00:23:06,510 --> 00:23:10,722
you hit this age where suddenly
you become very introspective, okay?
437
00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:14,184
You start seeking guidance
from outside sources.
438
00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:16,103
You start looking at watches.
439
00:23:16,686 --> 00:23:20,690
Like-- Like every man in this room has
or will at some point.
440
00:23:20,774 --> 00:23:23,443
We've all been there.
Guys, we've all done this.
441
00:23:23,527 --> 00:23:26,738
We've all looked in the mirror
at some point in our lives.
442
00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:28,031
And we've been like,
443
00:23:29,199 --> 00:23:31,034
"What a fucking piece of shit."
444
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:32,661
[crowd laughing]
445
00:23:33,662 --> 00:23:35,122
"I fucking hate this loser."
446
00:23:35,997 --> 00:23:37,249
"Look at this loser."
447
00:23:37,332 --> 00:23:39,584
"Fuck this loser. I hate this person."
448
00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:41,253
"I need to be a better person."
449
00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:45,882
"Let me start by getting fit."
450
00:23:45,966 --> 00:23:47,926
[crowd laughing]
451
00:23:48,009 --> 00:23:49,302
[woman screams]
452
00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:52,556
"Let me work on my health."
453
00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:56,601
"That seems like a logical place
to start my journey."
454
00:23:57,269 --> 00:24:00,188
"Let me control
what I can control in here."
455
00:24:00,272 --> 00:24:03,400
So what do you do as a man?
You go on YouTube, right?
456
00:24:03,483 --> 00:24:05,402
You look up how to lift weights.
457
00:24:05,902 --> 00:24:09,114
Right? You press "Enter."
You click on the first video.
458
00:24:09,197 --> 00:24:11,783
It's some guy
doing kettlebell swings, right?
459
00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:17,122
He'll teach you how to lock your core
so you don't break your fucking spine.
460
00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:20,375
And then you do that for two days.
461
00:24:23,253 --> 00:24:25,672
- You feel pretty good about yourself.
- [man] Whoo!
462
00:24:25,755 --> 00:24:27,299
Right? And on the third day,
463
00:24:27,382 --> 00:24:31,303
the same YouTube channel
has a new video notification alert,
464
00:24:31,887 --> 00:24:35,223
The men are like, "What's this new video
from kettlebell-swinging guy?"
465
00:24:35,807 --> 00:24:38,894
"What could he be doing in his new video?"
466
00:24:38,977 --> 00:24:42,939
In the video, the kettlebell-swinging guy,
he's doing the new kettlebell exercise.
467
00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:45,108
"The lawnmower."
468
00:24:45,192 --> 00:24:47,903
He's doing that. And then,
like 30 seconds into the video,
469
00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:49,779
he just, suddenly, just stops.
470
00:24:50,447 --> 00:24:51,656
And he looks really sad.
471
00:24:52,574 --> 00:24:54,284
And he puts the kettlebell down.
472
00:24:54,367 --> 00:24:56,077
And he looks straight into the camera.
473
00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:57,204
And he's like,
474
00:24:57,829 --> 00:25:01,291
"Yo, guys, just real talk
for a second, all right?" [sniffles]
475
00:25:01,374 --> 00:25:04,127
"Kettlebells are great,
but I just want you guys to know
476
00:25:04,211 --> 00:25:08,840
that a healthy body
starts with a healthy mind."
477
00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:11,259
[crowd laughing]
478
00:25:12,302 --> 00:25:14,429
And all the men watching this are like,
479
00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:16,515
"Yeah." [sniffles]
480
00:25:16,598 --> 00:25:17,933
"Yeah, that makes sense."
481
00:25:18,892 --> 00:25:20,727
"That feels right, in here."
482
00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:24,022
"Tell me more, kettlebell-swinging guy."
483
00:25:24,105 --> 00:25:25,732
[crowd laughing]
484
00:25:25,815 --> 00:25:30,320
"What other advice do you have
for all areas of my life?"
485
00:25:31,655 --> 00:25:35,951
"Including my relationships
and financial investments."
486
00:25:37,369 --> 00:25:40,997
"Please give me guidance,
kettlebell-swinging guy."
487
00:25:41,831 --> 00:25:44,626
So what do you do?
You watch his next video on autoplay.
488
00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:46,211
Then you watch his next video.
489
00:25:46,294 --> 00:25:49,506
Here comes the YouTube algorithm
with a suggested video.
490
00:25:49,589 --> 00:25:51,466
And here comes another suggested video.
491
00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:53,510
And a week later,
Jordan Peterson is telling you
492
00:25:53,593 --> 00:25:55,512
that women use makeup to control men.
493
00:25:55,595 --> 00:25:57,389
[crowd laughing]
494
00:25:57,472 --> 00:26:01,184
Five weeks later, you're storming
the Capitol dressed like a buffalo.
495
00:26:01,268 --> 00:26:03,270
[crowd laughing]
496
00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:06,940
[applause]
497
00:26:07,023 --> 00:26:09,776
[crowd cheering]
498
00:26:11,111 --> 00:26:14,281
That's a very realistic
sequence of events, by the way.
499
00:26:15,073 --> 00:26:17,492
That's not even an exaggerated timeline.
500
00:26:17,576 --> 00:26:21,121
Every man in this room
has lost a buddy to the algorithm.
501
00:26:22,122 --> 00:26:24,207
We all know someone
who lost their fucking mind
502
00:26:24,291 --> 00:26:27,127
on that men's self-help,
Andrew Tate masculinity,
503
00:26:27,210 --> 00:26:29,421
YouTube self-help algorithm.
504
00:26:29,504 --> 00:26:31,715
If you don't know anyone
who lost their mind…
505
00:26:33,133 --> 00:26:35,969
[crowd laughing]
506
00:26:36,052 --> 00:26:37,887
…you're the one who lost their mind.
507
00:26:39,139 --> 00:26:41,433
You're currently
in an echo chamber of assholes.
508
00:26:42,350 --> 00:26:44,561
'Cause real friends tell you
when you're losing your mind.
509
00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:46,730
It's very tragic.
510
00:26:46,813 --> 00:26:50,775
All these men who are trying
to be better people,
511
00:26:51,651 --> 00:26:53,153
and they're seeking guidance.
512
00:26:53,236 --> 00:26:55,614
But that YouTube feedback algorithm loop
513
00:26:55,697 --> 00:26:59,159
just leads them to be
the worst version of themselves.
514
00:26:59,242 --> 00:27:00,785
There's tragedy in that.
515
00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:02,954
Like all those people.
516
00:27:03,913 --> 00:27:05,832
They were just trying to lift weights.
517
00:27:05,915 --> 00:27:07,917
[crowd laughing]
518
00:27:10,003 --> 00:27:12,672
They weren't trying
to cause an insurrection.
519
00:27:13,882 --> 00:27:16,009
They didn't even know
what that word meant.
520
00:27:17,552 --> 00:27:19,304
They were just trying to do this.
521
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:21,723
They're trying to do this.
522
00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:24,100
They didn't know what angle
their forearm was supposed to be
523
00:27:24,184 --> 00:27:25,852
vis-à-vis their torso, right?
524
00:27:25,935 --> 00:27:27,812
Is it 90 degrees or 45 degrees?
525
00:27:27,896 --> 00:27:30,857
Like, is that a different exercise
or is that the same reps when you…?
526
00:27:30,940 --> 00:27:33,360
They Googled it one time,
and then, five weeks later,
527
00:27:33,443 --> 00:27:35,695
you're taking a shit
on Nancy Pelosi's desk.
528
00:27:35,779 --> 00:27:37,697
[crowd laughing]
529
00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:40,659
And the US Marshals
are garnishing your wages.
530
00:27:41,868 --> 00:27:44,871
Because you take one wrong turn,
and life moves pretty quick!
531
00:27:45,955 --> 00:27:49,709
I'm not saying, as a man, don't take
responsibility for your own actions.
532
00:27:49,793 --> 00:27:52,379
Okay? I'm just saying
that YouTube algorithm
533
00:27:52,462 --> 00:27:54,798
is very alluring to straight guys.
534
00:27:54,881 --> 00:27:59,010
It-- It sucks men in in a way
that I don't think women understand.
535
00:27:59,094 --> 00:28:03,098
It really preys on that men's need
to seek guidance from somewhere.
536
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:06,226
It's very hard to resist.
It just draws-- draws you in.
537
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:10,814
That's why fucking Mark Zuckerberg is
trying to MMA fight Elon Musk right now.
538
00:28:10,897 --> 00:28:12,649
[crowd laughing]
539
00:28:12,732 --> 00:28:15,610
That guy fell for his own algorithm.
540
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:18,363
Do you understand?
541
00:28:18,446 --> 00:28:20,532
Mark Zuckerberg
was just some fucking nerd.
542
00:28:21,032 --> 00:28:24,577
And for, like, 20 years now,
he's just been looking at our data, right?
543
00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:28,498
Jerking off every single day.
Just looking at our data, jerking off.
544
00:28:28,581 --> 00:28:31,251
Money piling up. Billions of dollars.
545
00:28:31,334 --> 00:28:32,377
Data. Jerking off.
546
00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:35,839
Money, money, jerking off, data.
For 20 years, that loop.
547
00:28:35,922 --> 00:28:39,551
And who knew after two decades of that,
one day, he just looked at so much data,
548
00:28:39,634 --> 00:28:41,636
he was like, "Oh shit, oh shit."
549
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:45,515
He fell into it.
Now he's trying to MMA-fight Elon Musk.
550
00:28:46,099 --> 00:28:48,810
That guy jerked off
and came on his own face.
551
00:28:48,893 --> 00:28:50,895
[crowd laughing]
552
00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:53,231
Like, it's out of control.
553
00:28:53,314 --> 00:28:54,691
Zuckerberg is a billionaire
554
00:28:54,774 --> 00:28:58,445
who has every material need
you could want in this reality.
555
00:28:58,528 --> 00:29:01,781
And he invented that shit,
and he still fell for it.
556
00:29:02,907 --> 00:29:05,994
What hope does the average man
in America have?
557
00:29:06,828 --> 00:29:09,080
Just walking-- Just waddling
down the street
558
00:29:09,164 --> 00:29:12,625
looking-- looking for a taco on his phone.
559
00:29:12,709 --> 00:29:15,420
He's gonna get sucked into his phone.
He has no chance.
560
00:29:15,503 --> 00:29:17,130
That fucking guy has no chance.
561
00:29:18,465 --> 00:29:20,550
Because even the good guys in this room…
562
00:29:23,011 --> 00:29:24,888
we're all, like, on a razor's edge
563
00:29:26,306 --> 00:29:28,183
to being a piece of shit, okay?
564
00:29:28,266 --> 00:29:30,351
[crowd laughing]
565
00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:34,355
That margin between a good guy
and a piece of shit is razor-thin.
566
00:29:34,439 --> 00:29:35,607
I gotta tell you.
567
00:29:35,690 --> 00:29:39,903
If you have the means, every day is
just a battle to stay on that nice edge.
568
00:29:40,737 --> 00:29:41,696
And you know what?
569
00:29:41,780 --> 00:29:44,157
An Instagram post
could push it either way!
570
00:29:44,657 --> 00:29:45,950
[crowd laughing]
571
00:29:46,034 --> 00:29:47,702
Okay? It depends on the post.
572
00:29:48,369 --> 00:29:50,622
Was it cute animals or was it boobs?
573
00:29:50,705 --> 00:29:52,832
[crowd laughing]
574
00:29:52,916 --> 00:29:55,919
That's gonna determine your integrity
for the next six hours.
575
00:30:04,093 --> 00:30:06,638
I do think, as a society, we need to, uh,
576
00:30:07,305 --> 00:30:10,058
do a better job of identifying,
577
00:30:10,141 --> 00:30:13,686
like, when we have a disagreement
with someone who's
578
00:30:14,771 --> 00:30:17,690
genuinely trying to have
a good-faith discussion
579
00:30:18,525 --> 00:30:20,318
to reach higher understanding,
580
00:30:20,401 --> 00:30:21,986
and who's just talking shit.
581
00:30:22,737 --> 00:30:25,990
We are spending too much time
on the people who are just talking shit,
582
00:30:26,074 --> 00:30:29,035
and we're not spending enough time
on the people who are genuinely
583
00:30:29,118 --> 00:30:32,205
trying to have difficult conversations
about difficult topics.
584
00:30:32,288 --> 00:30:33,373
Like, for example,
585
00:30:33,456 --> 00:30:35,250
me, right now,
586
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:37,877
- I'm just talking shit, okay?
- [crowd laughing]
587
00:30:37,961 --> 00:30:39,420
This is one-way shit-talking.
588
00:30:39,504 --> 00:30:44,175
I don't care about any of your opinions.
Do not send me any of them. I do not care.
589
00:30:44,259 --> 00:30:47,220
You paid for me.
I didn't pay a cent for any of you, okay?
590
00:30:47,303 --> 00:30:49,347
[crowd laughing]
591
00:30:49,430 --> 00:30:52,559
[crowd cheering]
592
00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:55,603
Free market capitalism
has determined the direction
593
00:30:55,687 --> 00:30:57,522
of this shit-talking session.
594
00:30:57,605 --> 00:30:59,941
If you don't like it,
take it out on Adam Smith.
595
00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:04,529
But if I was having a conversation
with someone I disagree with,
596
00:31:04,612 --> 00:31:05,613
in good faith,
597
00:31:06,322 --> 00:31:10,451
I would probably start that conversation
with what we do agree with.
598
00:31:11,077 --> 00:31:13,872
That'd be a logical place
to start a difficult conversation.
599
00:31:14,455 --> 00:31:17,458
For example, MAGA.
Make America Great Again.
600
00:31:18,376 --> 00:31:21,296
They have a point.
America's not doing so great right now.
601
00:31:21,921 --> 00:31:24,173
Right? Our kids' math scores are down.
602
00:31:24,257 --> 00:31:26,175
[crowd laughing]
603
00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:28,678
Our children's science scores are down.
604
00:31:28,761 --> 00:31:31,347
When judged according
to international metrics, uh,
605
00:31:31,431 --> 00:31:33,349
healthcare systems not doing so great.
606
00:31:33,433 --> 00:31:35,935
Wealth gap disparities
increasing exponentially.
607
00:31:36,019 --> 00:31:39,314
There was an implied promise
to a generation of Americans
608
00:31:39,397 --> 00:31:43,610
that if you do certain things, work hard,
go to college, be a good person,
609
00:31:43,693 --> 00:31:45,403
you would have certain outcomes.
610
00:31:45,486 --> 00:31:48,740
And those outcomes didn't materialize
for the majority of people
611
00:31:48,823 --> 00:31:51,117
because baby boomers entrenched
in decision-making positions
612
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:53,077
lowered the capital gains tax…
613
00:31:53,161 --> 00:31:54,412
[crowd laughing]
614
00:31:54,495 --> 00:31:57,916
…so that their net worth
essentially compounds year after year.
615
00:31:58,499 --> 00:32:00,209
In post-World War II, US leadership
616
00:32:00,293 --> 00:32:03,171
traded the domestic manufacturing industry
for National Security
617
00:32:03,254 --> 00:32:06,966
by making the US dollar
the default international trade currency,
618
00:32:07,050 --> 00:32:10,261
which gave America the ability to impose
economic sanctions on foreign countries
619
00:32:10,345 --> 00:32:11,846
to a US financial banking system,
620
00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:14,557
but consequently increased the value
of the US dollar astronomically,
621
00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:18,144
which made it impossible for anyone
to manufacture anything in America.
622
00:32:18,227 --> 00:32:19,062
[inhales deeply]
623
00:32:19,145 --> 00:32:20,855
Although the logic at the time…
624
00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:22,106
[crowd laughing]
625
00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:24,567
…was that Americans
were supposed to upskill en masse,
626
00:32:24,651 --> 00:32:26,486
away from the menial manufacturing jobs,
627
00:32:26,569 --> 00:32:29,155
but everyone here's too much
of a dumbass to stay school,
628
00:32:29,238 --> 00:32:32,867
so we just traded domestic manufacturing
to Asia and the rest of the world
629
00:32:32,951 --> 00:32:35,078
at the expense of working-class families.
630
00:32:36,704 --> 00:32:38,414
But if you don't read enough…
631
00:32:38,498 --> 00:32:39,999
[crowd laughing]
632
00:32:40,083 --> 00:32:43,086
…it comes out as, "Let's go, Brandon!"
633
00:32:43,169 --> 00:32:45,129
[crowd laughing]
634
00:32:45,213 --> 00:32:46,839
And it's like, you have a point,
635
00:32:46,923 --> 00:32:50,802
but you don't have the vocabulary
to describe your reality
636
00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:54,847
because you didn't read enough.
You gotta keep reading beyond the hashtag.
637
00:32:54,931 --> 00:32:58,309
There's a book behind the word.
You gotta keep going.
638
00:32:58,393 --> 00:33:01,854
You can go at your own pace,
but you gotta finish the required reading.
639
00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:05,692
Otherwise, we can't have a conversation.
We're all catching up to each other.
640
00:33:05,775 --> 00:33:08,444
I'm friends with MAGA.
I'm friends with the MAGAs.
641
00:33:08,528 --> 00:33:10,780
- Some of them are my good friends.
- [man] Whoo!
642
00:33:10,863 --> 00:33:11,781
Yeah.
643
00:33:12,615 --> 00:33:13,866
Hawaii MAGA.
644
00:33:13,950 --> 00:33:15,410
[crowd laughing]
645
00:33:15,493 --> 00:33:17,412
The friendliest of all MAGA.
646
00:33:17,495 --> 00:33:19,497
[crowd laughing]
647
00:33:21,290 --> 00:33:22,375
Aloha MAGA.
648
00:33:24,043 --> 00:33:26,754
They're in Hawaii right now,
Making Aloha Great Again.
649
00:33:28,464 --> 00:33:29,799
I became friends with them
650
00:33:29,882 --> 00:33:32,343
because I filmed two seasons
of a TV show in Hawaii,
651
00:33:32,427 --> 00:33:34,429
Doogie Kameāloha, on Disney+.
652
00:33:34,512 --> 00:33:36,472
[crowd cheering]
653
00:33:36,556 --> 00:33:38,975
[applause]
654
00:33:39,058 --> 00:33:41,269
MAGA Hawaii welcomed me into their homes.
655
00:33:41,352 --> 00:33:44,063
"Ronny, please, come over.
Please, we're having a barbecue."
656
00:33:44,147 --> 00:33:46,566
"We'd love you to meet the family,
meet the ohana, please."
657
00:33:46,649 --> 00:33:48,026
"We'd love to have you over."
658
00:33:48,109 --> 00:33:50,611
So gracious. You show up,
they're so warm and welcoming.
659
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:52,989
"Thanks for coming.
Take whatever you want."
660
00:33:53,072 --> 00:33:55,908
"There's some Kalua pork,
there's some loco mocos, hot dogs."
661
00:33:55,992 --> 00:33:57,118
"Hey. Here. Here."
662
00:33:57,660 --> 00:33:58,619
"Touch my gun."
663
00:33:58,703 --> 00:34:00,788
[crowd laughing]
664
00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:02,790
"Touch it. Just touch-- Just take it."
665
00:34:03,458 --> 00:34:07,462
I'm always like, "I… I don't want
to touch any of these guns, okay?"
666
00:34:07,545 --> 00:34:10,590
"I don't know where they've been.
I don't know where they're going."
667
00:34:10,673 --> 00:34:13,342
"I don't have time in my schedule
to attend depositions."
668
00:34:13,426 --> 00:34:14,761
[crowd laughing]
669
00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,512
"Just give me the loco moco."
670
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:18,139
[crowd laughing]
671
00:34:19,182 --> 00:34:21,392
Very passionate people, my MAGA friends.
672
00:34:21,476 --> 00:34:24,062
And I respect their passion
to some extent.
673
00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:29,233
I do. They're like, "I love America.
I would die for this country."
674
00:34:29,317 --> 00:34:31,444
And I believe them.
I believe they love America,
675
00:34:31,527 --> 00:34:35,448
and I believe they would die
for this country, which is very admirable.
676
00:34:35,990 --> 00:34:39,619
But it's like, man, you are willing
to die for your country.
677
00:34:39,702 --> 00:34:42,246
Why aren't you willing to learn math?
678
00:34:42,330 --> 00:34:44,582
[crowd laughing]
679
00:34:45,208 --> 00:34:47,251
Also for your country, like…
680
00:34:47,335 --> 00:34:49,504
Like, do both for your country.
681
00:34:50,171 --> 00:34:51,923
I know you wanna die for your country,
682
00:34:52,006 --> 00:34:54,175
but we're losing the engineering jobs
to Asia right now.
683
00:34:54,258 --> 00:34:56,511
So if you… We need
less people to die for their country.
684
00:34:56,594 --> 00:34:59,055
We need more people to do
their homework for their country.
685
00:34:59,138 --> 00:35:01,182
Like, do your homework for your country.
686
00:35:01,265 --> 00:35:04,602
Like, actually sit down
and show the work, and, like, do the…
687
00:35:05,186 --> 00:35:08,189
That's a more efficient way
to show your patriotism.
688
00:35:08,272 --> 00:35:11,901
If you take that "I want to die" energy
and you put it into homework,
689
00:35:11,984 --> 00:35:14,445
you will fucking top the school,
I'm telling you.
690
00:35:14,529 --> 00:35:15,696
It's…
691
00:35:16,322 --> 00:35:17,615
Sky's the limit.
692
00:35:17,698 --> 00:35:21,077
[crowd cheering]
693
00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:23,454
Dude, you'll-- you'll solve
a lot of problems,
694
00:35:23,538 --> 00:35:25,915
you'll create a lot of jobs,
you'll increase the GDP.
695
00:35:25,998 --> 00:35:28,376
Just do-- do your homework
for your country.
696
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:30,545
"I'd rather die!"
697
00:35:30,628 --> 00:35:32,630
[crowd laughing]
698
00:35:33,548 --> 00:35:35,967
I… I thought so. I thought that might be…
699
00:35:36,843 --> 00:35:38,427
I thought that might be the case.
700
00:35:38,511 --> 00:35:40,596
Dying's easy, math is hard.
701
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:42,723
[crowd laughing]
702
00:35:42,807 --> 00:35:45,309
These quadratic equations
making me suicidal.
703
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:50,731
Uh, we try not to talk about politics,
my MAGA friends and I,
704
00:35:50,815 --> 00:35:52,191
out of mutual respect.
705
00:35:52,275 --> 00:35:53,651
Inevitably, it comes up.
706
00:35:53,734 --> 00:35:56,487
Some stuff I'm wrong about,
some stuff they're right about,
707
00:35:56,571 --> 00:35:59,157
but sometimes, like,
their messaging is so convoluted.
708
00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:02,743
Like, I can't get
to what their core issue actually is,
709
00:36:02,827 --> 00:36:05,454
because their surface messaging
is so chaotic.
710
00:36:05,538 --> 00:36:09,834
Like, sometimes they're like,
"Ronny, China caused COVID,
711
00:36:10,918 --> 00:36:13,462
but COVID isn't real."
712
00:36:13,963 --> 00:36:16,799
[crowd laughing]
713
00:36:21,512 --> 00:36:23,723
So, is it fine then?
Does it mean it's fine?
714
00:36:24,432 --> 00:36:26,267
I don't know how to feel about it now.
715
00:36:27,393 --> 00:36:30,479
'Cause one minus one is zero.
I don't know what to tell you. The…
716
00:36:30,563 --> 00:36:33,691
The math analogy works for concepts,
not just numbers, you can…
717
00:36:34,358 --> 00:36:35,276
"X" is anything.
718
00:36:36,027 --> 00:36:39,697
Why are you yelling at me about China?
Always yelling at me about China.
719
00:36:39,780 --> 00:36:42,867
"China is doing this. China did
a weather balloon, with a camera."
720
00:36:42,950 --> 00:36:45,536
"China's got
an artificial island in the Pacific
721
00:36:45,620 --> 00:36:47,413
doubling as an aircraft carrier base."
722
00:36:47,496 --> 00:36:49,916
"China's doing TikTok.
Why is China doing TikTok?!"
723
00:36:51,876 --> 00:36:53,127
I don't know.
724
00:36:53,211 --> 00:36:55,213
[crowd laughing]
725
00:36:55,713 --> 00:36:57,381
I'm not from China.
726
00:36:59,050 --> 00:37:00,593
I'm from Malaysia. [scoffs]
727
00:37:01,677 --> 00:37:03,346
I'm from Malaysia, not China.
728
00:37:03,429 --> 00:37:05,932
I'm-- I'm third-generation
Chinese Malaysian.
729
00:37:06,015 --> 00:37:06,974
Malaysia.
730
00:37:07,058 --> 00:37:10,061
You know Michelle Yeoh?
Oscar winner? Malaysia?
731
00:37:10,144 --> 00:37:11,520
Yeah, that's Malaysia.
732
00:37:11,604 --> 00:37:14,732
Sama-sama. Malaysia.
Saya anak Malaysia. Malaysia.
733
00:37:15,483 --> 00:37:17,568
Malaysia, not China. Malaysia.
734
00:37:18,819 --> 00:37:21,322
We are the ones who lost the plane.
735
00:37:21,405 --> 00:37:22,949
[crowd laughing]
736
00:37:23,032 --> 00:37:24,033
Okay?
737
00:37:25,368 --> 00:37:26,577
You guys remember that?
738
00:37:27,411 --> 00:37:31,540
Did you see the documentary on Netflix,
suggested after my special?
739
00:37:31,624 --> 00:37:34,210
- You guys see that? That was us.
- [crowd laughing]
740
00:37:36,128 --> 00:37:38,214
That was us.
We're the "lose the plane" people.
741
00:37:38,297 --> 00:37:42,009
Okay? We're not the human rights
whatever-- I don't know-- TikTok--
742
00:37:42,093 --> 00:37:43,636
I don't know what that is, okay?
743
00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:45,721
We're the… [mimics plane engine]
744
00:37:45,805 --> 00:37:48,432
"Ah! Where is it?! Where the fuck is it?!"
That's us.
745
00:37:52,019 --> 00:37:56,274
Uh, my-- my MAGA friends all hate US tax.
746
00:37:56,899 --> 00:38:00,861
That's like a universal party platform.
There's different types of MAGA, right?
747
00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:03,614
There's, like, MAGA light,
MAGA concentrated, but, like…
748
00:38:04,282 --> 00:38:06,784
Right, it's unfair to group them
under one banner,
749
00:38:06,867 --> 00:38:12,623
but one uniting party principle is,
"Love America, fuck US tax."
750
00:38:13,374 --> 00:38:14,250
And I get it.
751
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:17,837
I also hate US tax
now that I'm in the highest bracket.
752
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:20,214
[crowd laughing]
753
00:38:20,298 --> 00:38:22,633
Yeah, I'm MAGA with that. Fuck US tax.
754
00:38:23,551 --> 00:38:25,094
Yeah, fuck American tax.
755
00:38:25,177 --> 00:38:26,762
Feels good to say it.
756
00:38:26,846 --> 00:38:30,016
Like the words give you power, right?
Fuck US tax.
757
00:38:30,099 --> 00:38:33,477
Fuck American Tax.
You like it? You like it when I say it?
758
00:38:33,561 --> 00:38:37,315
When this fucking foreigner says it?
You like that? Fuck US tax. You like that?
759
00:38:37,398 --> 00:38:40,776
You like it when this accent says that?
Fuck American tax. You like that?
760
00:38:41,777 --> 00:38:43,988
You don't see a discrepancy in energy?
761
00:38:44,613 --> 00:38:46,240
"Love America, USA, USA."
762
00:38:46,324 --> 00:38:47,366
"Fuck US tax."
763
00:38:47,450 --> 00:38:51,287
Put politics aside for just three seconds.
Okay? If it's even possible.
764
00:38:51,370 --> 00:38:55,124
Just for three seconds,
just consider this concept in a vacuum.
765
00:38:55,207 --> 00:38:57,585
Just as an academic exercise, okay?
766
00:38:58,336 --> 00:38:59,545
When you love something,
767
00:39:00,588 --> 00:39:01,756
you give it money.
768
00:39:02,340 --> 00:39:04,717
[crowd laughing]
769
00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:08,012
Right? Like that's one
of the primary ways we show love
770
00:39:08,095 --> 00:39:12,099
for individuals, organizations,
ideas on Kickstarter,
771
00:39:13,476 --> 00:39:16,771
sports teams…
We go like, "Yeah, we give it money."
772
00:39:16,854 --> 00:39:19,357
So when you go, "Love America, USA, USA."
773
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:21,734
"Fuck US tax." So what are you saying?
774
00:39:21,817 --> 00:39:24,653
You love America so much,
you want it to be poor?
775
00:39:24,737 --> 00:39:28,741
You want your country to be poor?
You want it to be a beggar on the street.
776
00:39:28,824 --> 00:39:32,328
A street beggar. You want your country
to be a street beggar on the street?
777
00:39:33,954 --> 00:39:35,164
I love my mom.
778
00:39:36,791 --> 00:39:38,292
Sometimes I give my mom money.
779
00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:40,503
[crowd laughing]
780
00:39:40,586 --> 00:39:43,422
- Give your mom money sometimes.
- [man] Yeah!
781
00:39:45,091 --> 00:39:47,968
Look how alien this concept is
to white people.
782
00:39:48,052 --> 00:39:49,970
[crowd laughing]
783
00:39:50,054 --> 00:39:51,722
[applause]
784
00:39:51,806 --> 00:39:52,890
Just…
785
00:39:55,184 --> 00:39:56,310
silence.
786
00:39:56,394 --> 00:39:57,937
[crowd laughing]
787
00:39:58,479 --> 00:40:01,023
Give your mom money sometimes.
"For what?!"
788
00:40:01,107 --> 00:40:03,109
[crowd laughing]
789
00:40:04,318 --> 00:40:06,070
Because she's your Ma. [chuckles]
790
00:40:06,737 --> 00:40:08,155
And you love her, right?
791
00:40:08,239 --> 00:40:11,909
She loves you back, so fucking
cut her off a piece every once in a while.
792
00:40:11,992 --> 00:40:15,121
Probably tore stuff giving birth to you,
cut her a piece of the pie.
793
00:40:15,704 --> 00:40:19,708
Arbitrarily, even. Just give a--
I'm sure your mother would appreciate it.
794
00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:22,628
No matter who your mom is,
how self-accomplished she is,
795
00:40:22,711 --> 00:40:24,296
I'm sure your mom could use it.
796
00:40:24,380 --> 00:40:27,466
Fix the driveway,
invest in infrastructure. Something.
797
00:40:27,550 --> 00:40:28,968
[crowd laughing]
798
00:40:29,969 --> 00:40:33,597
Sometimes Americans treat their country
the way they treat their parents.
799
00:40:34,390 --> 00:40:35,850
[indistinct chatter from crowd]
800
00:40:35,933 --> 00:40:36,851
Yeah.
801
00:40:36,934 --> 00:40:38,811
[crowd laughing]
802
00:40:38,894 --> 00:40:41,981
"I love my mom.
I love my mom. I would die for my mom."
803
00:40:42,773 --> 00:40:45,192
"But fuck her, she made her choices."
804
00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:47,278
[crowd laughing]
805
00:40:51,449 --> 00:40:52,950
I love being in America.
806
00:40:53,033 --> 00:40:55,953
I do. I love being here.
I had my options. I came here.
807
00:40:56,829 --> 00:40:59,123
I love being in America
because this is the country
808
00:40:59,206 --> 00:41:02,168
that puts show business above everything.
809
00:41:03,878 --> 00:41:06,589
And I am in the business of show business.
810
00:41:07,256 --> 00:41:09,300
So naturally,
I'm gonna come here and do it.
811
00:41:09,383 --> 00:41:13,846
I do this in America, "Fuck America.
Fuck the president. Fuck US tax,"
812
00:41:13,929 --> 00:41:15,931
money, money just comes into…
813
00:41:16,015 --> 00:41:18,184
[crowd laughing]
814
00:41:18,267 --> 00:41:19,643
"Fuck the president."
815
00:41:19,727 --> 00:41:22,938
"He's too old. Fuck this president."
The money comes in.
816
00:41:23,022 --> 00:41:24,482
Money just comes in.
817
00:41:24,565 --> 00:41:25,900
Like printing money.
818
00:41:25,983 --> 00:41:29,945
I do this in Malaysia,
same-- same words, same-- same clothing,
819
00:41:30,029 --> 00:41:33,240
same haircut,
facing the same direction, in Malaysia?
820
00:41:33,324 --> 00:41:34,158
Jail.
821
00:41:34,241 --> 00:41:36,452
[crowd laughing]
822
00:41:37,703 --> 00:41:40,498
Like, the arbitrage value
is out of control.
823
00:41:40,581 --> 00:41:43,334
Same product in different loc--
Obviously, I'll do this here.
824
00:41:43,417 --> 00:41:46,212
Why the fuck would I do it anywhere else?
It's the best.
825
00:41:50,299 --> 00:41:56,055
I think, uh, sometimes people forget
I'm a first-generation immigrant here.
826
00:41:56,138 --> 00:41:59,266
Because my second-generation
or later American friends,
827
00:41:59,350 --> 00:42:01,477
like, their parents were immigrants.
828
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:04,939
And the way they talk
about their parents is so disrespectful.
829
00:42:05,564 --> 00:42:08,192
And they forget, like,
I'm also an immigrant.
830
00:42:08,275 --> 00:42:11,028
They'll be like, "You know my parents?
They're immigrants."
831
00:42:11,111 --> 00:42:13,531
"You know immigrants. They're so cheap."
832
00:42:13,614 --> 00:42:15,616
[crowd laughing]
833
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,954
Like, "Don't come over. My family's
over this weekend. My parents are here."
834
00:42:20,037 --> 00:42:22,873
"My parents are immigrants.
You know immigrants. Ugh!"
835
00:42:24,041 --> 00:42:25,000
"They're so cheap."
836
00:42:26,418 --> 00:42:30,297
Yo, I want to defend
immigrants here for a second, all right?
837
00:42:30,381 --> 00:42:31,549
Fuck that shit.
838
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:34,927
Yeah, my mom lives in Singapore.
839
00:42:35,010 --> 00:42:36,845
She is not an immigrant.
840
00:42:37,471 --> 00:42:40,099
She is still extremely cheap.
841
00:42:40,182 --> 00:42:41,809
[crowd laughing]
842
00:42:43,394 --> 00:42:45,896
Okay? Being cheap
is not an immigrant thing.
843
00:42:47,106 --> 00:42:48,774
It's genetic.
844
00:42:48,857 --> 00:42:50,609
[crowd laughing]
845
00:42:50,693 --> 00:42:52,152
Cheap people are cheap.
846
00:42:52,903 --> 00:42:56,740
They're not choosing to be cheap.
It's just inside, it's not a choice.
847
00:42:56,824 --> 00:43:00,494
Chinese baby boomers are cheap
'cause they don't know how to have fun.
848
00:43:00,578 --> 00:43:02,830
They haven't had fun in, like, 50 years.
849
00:43:02,913 --> 00:43:05,457
They, like, forgot the energy of fun.
850
00:43:05,541 --> 00:43:08,752
Like, of all the Asians right now
in the Asian fun hierarchy,
851
00:43:08,836 --> 00:43:10,087
from most fun to least fun,
852
00:43:10,170 --> 00:43:13,257
Chinese baby boomers,
least fun of all the Asians right now.
853
00:43:13,340 --> 00:43:16,302
I can say this. I'm Chinese, okay?
You don't fucking say it.
854
00:43:16,385 --> 00:43:17,761
[crowd laughing]
855
00:43:17,845 --> 00:43:20,264
This is our "N" word.
You don't fucking say it. I say it.
856
00:43:20,347 --> 00:43:21,515
You don't fucking say it.
857
00:43:21,599 --> 00:43:24,893
Least fun-- You don't fucking say it.
Least fun of all the Asians,
858
00:43:24,977 --> 00:43:26,312
Chinese baby boomers.
859
00:43:26,395 --> 00:43:31,275
Right now, of all the Asians,
most fun Asians, uh, the Koreans, okay?
860
00:43:31,358 --> 00:43:32,860
You gotta give it up for the Koreans.
861
00:43:32,943 --> 00:43:35,112
[crowd cheering]
862
00:43:35,195 --> 00:43:36,614
[crowd laughing]
863
00:43:36,697 --> 00:43:38,073
Give it up for the Koreans.
864
00:43:38,157 --> 00:43:41,243
You gotta tip your cap and respect
the back-to-back championships
865
00:43:41,327 --> 00:43:42,620
of the modern-day Koreans
866
00:43:42,703 --> 00:43:45,331
just killing it with the fun
and the pop culture.
867
00:43:45,414 --> 00:43:46,457
They're-- Everyone's--
868
00:43:46,540 --> 00:43:50,377
They've got Blackpink.
They got music. They got BTS.
869
00:43:50,461 --> 00:43:51,503
[crowd cheering]
870
00:43:51,587 --> 00:43:55,341
Dude, BTS is right now in the army
fighting Kim Jong-un.
871
00:43:55,424 --> 00:43:57,134
[crowd laughing]
872
00:43:57,217 --> 00:44:00,512
Do you understand?
BTS is at the DMZ right now, just going…
873
00:44:00,596 --> 00:44:02,598
[singsongs pop beat playfully]
874
00:44:07,269 --> 00:44:08,354
[mimics machine gun]
875
00:44:08,437 --> 00:44:09,855
[crowd laughing]
876
00:44:10,689 --> 00:44:13,442
Just an unstoppable force
of entertainment.
877
00:44:14,610 --> 00:44:17,321
[chuckling] Taking down
countries and dictatorships.
878
00:44:18,197 --> 00:44:22,242
They got, uh-- Koreans got, uh,
the Parasite movie, Oscar-winning.
879
00:44:22,326 --> 00:44:27,289
They got Past Lives.
They got, uh… Crash Landing on You.
880
00:44:27,373 --> 00:44:28,290
[crowd cheering]
881
00:44:28,374 --> 00:44:31,919
Just dominating
the Netflix home page of white people.
882
00:44:32,002 --> 00:44:34,046
[crowd laughing]
883
00:44:34,129 --> 00:44:35,464
Never thought I'd see the day
884
00:44:35,547 --> 00:44:38,967
when white people's homepage
is full of K-drama. Just binging.
885
00:44:40,094 --> 00:44:42,596
Non-stop. They got, uh, Squid Game.
886
00:44:43,806 --> 00:44:47,059
Dude, Koreans have more fun
dying in Squid Game
887
00:44:48,227 --> 00:44:50,312
than Chinese people have at comedy shows.
888
00:44:51,355 --> 00:44:54,191
Chinese people at comedy shows,
they're looking at their phone.
889
00:44:54,274 --> 00:44:55,901
"Do I have to look up?"
890
00:44:55,984 --> 00:44:58,779
"He's here?
Okay, I'm gonna video for six minutes."
891
00:45:00,614 --> 00:45:02,366
Full flash video. This is…
892
00:45:03,367 --> 00:45:05,994
This is how I live in the moment
as a Chinese person.
893
00:45:07,913 --> 00:45:09,915
Koreans, most fun.
894
00:45:09,998 --> 00:45:12,835
- Uh, Filipinos know how to have fun.
- [crowd cheering]
895
00:45:12,918 --> 00:45:14,962
Yeah, they love having fun, uh…
896
00:45:15,045 --> 00:45:18,465
Vietnamese people know how to have fun.
Cambodians know how to have fun.
897
00:45:18,549 --> 00:45:21,760
Hmong people know how to have fun.
Even Japanese know how to have fun.
898
00:45:21,844 --> 00:45:23,137
In a reserved way.
899
00:45:23,220 --> 00:45:25,139
[crowd cheering]
900
00:45:25,222 --> 00:45:26,890
Outwardly stoic.
901
00:45:28,308 --> 00:45:30,144
Inside, just anime.
902
00:45:30,227 --> 00:45:32,438
[crowd laughing]
903
00:45:33,772 --> 00:45:36,984
Outside, unreadable.
Inside, just the intro to Sailor Moon.
904
00:45:37,067 --> 00:45:39,361
- Right? Just…
- [crowd laughing]
905
00:45:39,445 --> 00:45:41,989
[humming the intro to Sailor Moon]
906
00:45:43,490 --> 00:45:45,534
Outside is just, "Ohayo gozaimasu."
907
00:45:45,617 --> 00:45:47,619
[crowd laughing]
908
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:52,583
Japanese people have so much fun
sometimes they go straight back to work.
909
00:45:52,666 --> 00:45:54,710
[crowd laughing]
910
00:45:54,793 --> 00:45:58,046
"You're not gonna change your suit?
Just straight into the office? Alright."
911
00:45:58,130 --> 00:46:00,174
[chuckles] Uh…
912
00:46:00,257 --> 00:46:03,635
Everyone knows Chinese baby boomers,
least fun of all the Asians.
913
00:46:03,719 --> 00:46:07,806
Because for Chinese baby boomers,
their primary directive in life is,
914
00:46:07,890 --> 00:46:10,017
"Do not get scammed."
915
00:46:11,393 --> 00:46:15,606
That's like the overriding directive that
informs the entire decision-making tree.
916
00:46:15,689 --> 00:46:18,358
RoboCop, primary directive,
"Do not get scammed."
917
00:46:18,442 --> 00:46:21,236
"Do not arrest OCP executive."
"Do not get scammed."
918
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:24,948
And for Chinese baby boomers,
there's no value proposition, okay?
919
00:46:25,032 --> 00:46:27,034
It's just pure price sensitivity.
920
00:46:28,577 --> 00:46:32,289
That means any money outgoing is a scam.
921
00:46:32,372 --> 00:46:34,416
[crowd laughing]
922
00:46:35,584 --> 00:46:38,462
"If money leaves my possession,
923
00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:41,006
that was a scam!"
924
00:46:41,089 --> 00:46:42,299
[crowd laughing]
925
00:46:42,382 --> 00:46:44,343
So the whole time, they're just tensed up,
926
00:46:44,426 --> 00:46:46,303
they're just looking for scams
when they go out.
927
00:46:46,386 --> 00:46:47,262
They're just like…
928
00:46:47,346 --> 00:46:49,473
They can't even relax. "Scam's coming!"
929
00:46:49,556 --> 00:46:52,017
It'll be a two-drink minimum over here.
Parking guys, tip…
930
00:46:52,100 --> 00:46:53,644
[grumbling] Tensing up.
931
00:46:53,727 --> 00:46:56,104
Meanwhile, Koreans in the back
just having fun.
932
00:46:56,188 --> 00:46:58,023
[crowd laughing]
933
00:46:58,106 --> 00:47:01,652
Filipinos dancing like…
Chinese baby boomers just tensed up.
934
00:47:01,735 --> 00:47:05,489
The further they get from their house,
as distance X increases,
935
00:47:05,572 --> 00:47:09,243
they know the fees
will increase and so the ex--
936
00:47:09,827 --> 00:47:12,579
The expenditures are gonna increase,
so they keep tensing up.
937
00:47:12,663 --> 00:47:14,873
The further they get,
until eventually, like,
938
00:47:14,957 --> 00:47:17,626
their whole body tenses up
into, like, a "C," right?
939
00:47:17,709 --> 00:47:19,253
Like a "C" for Chinese.
940
00:47:19,336 --> 00:47:21,380
[crowd laughing]
941
00:47:21,463 --> 00:47:24,883
And then, in the back you're like,
"Go, go, have fun! Have fun!"
942
00:47:26,009 --> 00:47:27,469
They just refuse to have fun.
943
00:47:28,220 --> 00:47:30,764
Like, my mom came and visited me
in New York City.
944
00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:32,683
Her only son, she came to New York City.
945
00:47:32,766 --> 00:47:36,228
New York City is the kind of city where,
as soon as you open your front door,
946
00:47:36,311 --> 00:47:37,354
it's like $1.50.
947
00:47:39,147 --> 00:47:42,693
Like, if you touch your door knob,
it's like, Apple Pay $1.50, just going…
948
00:47:43,193 --> 00:47:44,820
It goes into the universe.
949
00:47:44,903 --> 00:47:47,489
My mom came in
and approached the front door in New York.
950
00:47:47,573 --> 00:47:49,408
She's like in the back of the apartment,
951
00:47:49,491 --> 00:47:52,494
"I'm good, I don't need
to leave the house today."
952
00:47:52,578 --> 00:47:54,580
My mom isn't even scared of Asian hate.
953
00:47:54,663 --> 00:47:56,582
She's more scared of inflation.
954
00:47:56,665 --> 00:47:58,208
[crowd laughing]
955
00:47:58,292 --> 00:48:00,627
She can't believe
the prices of things anymore.
956
00:48:00,711 --> 00:48:03,964
You take her out to Central Park.
"Let's go to Central Park, it's free."
957
00:48:04,047 --> 00:48:07,384
"Look how beautiful
New York is in autumn. Look at this."
958
00:48:07,467 --> 00:48:10,429
"Why are these hot dogs five dollars?
It's like, "No, this…"
959
00:48:10,512 --> 00:48:12,389
"The price is right.
No one is scamming you."
960
00:48:12,472 --> 00:48:16,268
"That's the correct
amount of money to pay for that."
961
00:48:16,351 --> 00:48:20,564
"You haven't been out of the house
in 50 years. That number is correct."
962
00:48:20,647 --> 00:48:21,982
"That's how much things cost
963
00:48:22,065 --> 00:48:25,277
after baby boomers destroyed
the global financial economy in 2010
964
00:48:26,445 --> 00:48:29,323
pursuing subprime mortgages, okay?"
That's… That's…
965
00:48:29,406 --> 00:48:33,201
If anything, you scammed yourself.
That's you scamming yourself.
966
00:48:33,285 --> 00:48:35,287
Yeah, "You played yourself." DJ Khaled.
967
00:48:35,370 --> 00:48:37,164
[crowd laughing]
968
00:48:37,831 --> 00:48:40,834
My mom came to visit me in Hawaii.
Her first time in Hawaii.
969
00:48:40,918 --> 00:48:43,587
And if you know Hawaii,
locals and the Hawaiians here,
970
00:48:43,670 --> 00:48:47,049
the least scammy culture on the planet.
971
00:48:47,132 --> 00:48:49,551
Could not be more generous as a community.
972
00:48:49,635 --> 00:48:53,430
You get so much more than you give
when you're on the islands of Hawaii.
973
00:48:53,513 --> 00:48:57,392
And, uh, my mom comes, and she lands,
and she gets to the hotel,
974
00:48:57,476 --> 00:48:59,728
and they welcome her,
"Aloha. Welcome to Hawaii."
975
00:48:59,811 --> 00:49:02,564
And they put a lei over her,
like a ring of flowers.
976
00:49:02,648 --> 00:49:05,567
They put it over her,
and my mom does this.
977
00:49:06,568 --> 00:49:08,779
[crowd laughing]
978
00:49:13,659 --> 00:49:15,410
"I'm not paying for that."
979
00:49:15,494 --> 00:49:17,371
[crowd laughing]
980
00:49:19,706 --> 00:49:21,625
And I'm like, "You can't do that, Mom."
981
00:49:21,708 --> 00:49:24,419
"They're not trying to trick you
into buying something."
982
00:49:24,503 --> 00:49:26,755
"They're trying to welcome you
to their homeland."
983
00:49:26,838 --> 00:49:29,800
"They're not tricking you into buying
just 'cause you touched it."
984
00:49:29,883 --> 00:49:32,219
"This isn't Thailand. Just put on--"
985
00:49:32,302 --> 00:49:34,179
[crowd laughing]
986
00:49:34,262 --> 00:49:37,015
"Put on the lei, you're embarrassing me
in front of the Hawaiians!"
987
00:49:40,352 --> 00:49:41,395
Mahalo.
988
00:49:41,478 --> 00:49:43,021
[crowd laughing]
989
00:49:44,648 --> 00:49:46,775
[applause]
990
00:49:46,858 --> 00:49:48,735
[crowd cheering]
991
00:49:52,239 --> 00:49:56,743
These Chinese baby boomers,
most scared of being scammed in real life,
992
00:49:56,827 --> 00:49:58,954
the first to get scammed on the internet.
993
00:50:00,622 --> 00:50:05,002
For people who live in fear
their entire lives, extremely gullible.
994
00:50:05,085 --> 00:50:06,545
Because these baby boomers,
995
00:50:06,628 --> 00:50:10,799
they don't have the-- they don't have
the antibodies to deal with the internet.
996
00:50:11,842 --> 00:50:14,136
Completely clueless when they go on now.
997
00:50:14,219 --> 00:50:17,014
Like, watching baby boomers
go on the internet now
998
00:50:17,097 --> 00:50:21,268
is like watching babies
wandering into the kitchen by themselves,
999
00:50:22,853 --> 00:50:26,148
just looking for cookies
on the kitchen countertop, just like…
1000
00:50:26,231 --> 00:50:29,317
Running their hands blindly
on the kitchen countertop.
1001
00:50:29,401 --> 00:50:33,780
Pulling down knives. Kitchen knives
coming straight down into their eyeballs,
1002
00:50:33,864 --> 00:50:36,199
into, like, the soft part of their skull.
1003
00:50:36,825 --> 00:50:39,536
They go in the kitchen,
they open the oven, they turn it on.
1004
00:50:39,619 --> 00:50:41,079
They stick their head inside.
1005
00:50:41,747 --> 00:50:44,666
They're like, "Any pictures
of my grandkids in here?"
1006
00:50:46,126 --> 00:50:49,671
"Is this link safe to click on?
Is this link safe to click on?"
1007
00:50:49,755 --> 00:50:51,923
"Is this link safe to click on?"
1008
00:50:52,007 --> 00:50:56,094
Just falling for every basic bitch
internet scam possible.
1009
00:50:56,178 --> 00:50:59,848
These fucking baby boomers
tumbling into internet scams
1010
00:50:59,931 --> 00:51:02,100
like pandas rolling down a hill.
1011
00:51:02,184 --> 00:51:04,269
[crowd laughing]
1012
00:51:04,352 --> 00:51:07,856
Just jujitsu-rolling
into scams every single day.
1013
00:51:08,482 --> 00:51:11,318
Loving scams. "Oh, what do you want?
20 Target gift cards?"
1014
00:51:11,401 --> 00:51:16,031
"Yeah, sounds like a legitimate way to pay
for antivirus software on my phone."
1015
00:51:17,282 --> 00:51:19,951
"Everybody, look. Look at this link.
Look, there's a…"
1016
00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:22,454
"'What's the one trick your doctor
doesn't want you to know?'"
1017
00:51:22,537 --> 00:51:23,789
"Okay, I'll click on that link."
1018
00:51:25,832 --> 00:51:28,085
"I knew it.
I knew my doctor was scamming me!"
1019
00:51:29,795 --> 00:51:32,506
"That was a trick
he didn't want me to know."
1020
00:51:33,215 --> 00:51:37,094
"I'm gonna invalidate his medical degree
with one click right now!" [grunts]
1021
00:51:38,970 --> 00:51:41,181
"This is not the scam.
My doctor is the scam. Let me…"
1022
00:51:41,264 --> 00:51:42,516
[grunts] Click on this…
1023
00:51:43,350 --> 00:51:46,061
These fucking internet idiot savants
1024
00:51:47,187 --> 00:51:49,981
who can't remember
a single goddamn password,
1025
00:51:51,066 --> 00:51:54,569
but for some reason, can make
any piece of misinformation go viral.
1026
00:51:55,403 --> 00:51:57,280
Like a Russian cyber army,
1027
00:51:57,364 --> 00:51:59,616
just spreading misinformation
around the world
1028
00:51:59,699 --> 00:52:01,743
in family group WhatsApp chats.
1029
00:52:02,994 --> 00:52:06,540
Everywhere. "Everybody,
just look at this article. Is this real?"
1030
00:52:06,623 --> 00:52:10,043
"Look at it. Is this real?"
It's how they fact-check! They spread it.
1031
00:52:10,919 --> 00:52:14,965
"Look at this, this is a real…?
Everybody, weigh in."
1032
00:52:15,048 --> 00:52:19,803
"I'm not saying a hair dryer
in your mouth will kill COVID."
1033
00:52:20,887 --> 00:52:23,557
"Okay? But what?
You can't ask questions anymore?"
1034
00:52:24,975 --> 00:52:29,229
"Look at this article from cnn-n-n-n.ru."
1035
00:52:31,064 --> 00:52:33,733
"Quick, send it to your uncle,
send it to your…"
1036
00:52:33,817 --> 00:52:36,695
"Send it to our whole family tree.
Everybody needs to see this."
1037
00:52:37,571 --> 00:52:40,490
Has there ever been
a dumber generation of idiots
1038
00:52:40,574 --> 00:52:43,326
more susceptible to fake news
than these fucking baby boomers
1039
00:52:43,410 --> 00:52:45,996
literally believing
everything they see on the internet?
1040
00:52:46,746 --> 00:52:50,542
I get the very reasonable argument
that every generation of human
1041
00:52:51,209 --> 00:52:54,212
is going to be naturally
a little bit smarter than the last,
1042
00:52:54,296 --> 00:52:56,923
due to the exponential
technology growth curve, okay?
1043
00:52:57,007 --> 00:53:00,886
But this has got to be
the biggest gap in human history!
1044
00:53:01,469 --> 00:53:04,890
The information asymmetry right now
is just out of control.
1045
00:53:04,973 --> 00:53:07,184
You literally have people
in Honolulu right now
1046
00:53:07,267 --> 00:53:10,437
auto-driving their Tesla Cybertrucks
as they vape out the window,
1047
00:53:10,520 --> 00:53:13,899
and their phone AI
is trading cryptocurrency.
1048
00:53:13,982 --> 00:53:17,235
Meanwhile, you have baby boomers,
they can't even right-click.
1049
00:53:17,319 --> 00:53:19,321
[crowd laughing]
1050
00:53:19,404 --> 00:53:21,865
They can't even right-click.
1051
00:53:22,574 --> 00:53:25,619
"There's one button!
How do you right-click on one button?!"
1052
00:53:27,704 --> 00:53:30,081
It's scary.
They don't know what's real anymore.
1053
00:53:30,582 --> 00:53:34,502
"Hey, Ronny. Look at this photo
of Bigfoot shopping at Whole Foods."
1054
00:53:34,586 --> 00:53:36,588
[crowd laughing]
1055
00:53:37,130 --> 00:53:39,049
"Bigfoot is real now!"
1056
00:53:39,132 --> 00:53:42,802
"Look, there's an image of him
buying kombucha at Whole Foods."
1057
00:53:44,137 --> 00:53:47,307
"What technology exists
that can fake images?"
1058
00:53:48,642 --> 00:53:51,895
I'm like, "Mom, that's not real.
Stop sending it around. It's not real."
1059
00:53:52,395 --> 00:53:53,438
"How do you know?"
1060
00:53:56,107 --> 00:53:57,734
They always get so indignant about it.
1061
00:53:57,817 --> 00:53:59,611
Like, "How do you know
1062
00:54:00,528 --> 00:54:02,072
that it's not real?"
1063
00:54:02,155 --> 00:54:03,240
"How did you know that?"
1064
00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:09,829
Because the font, the font is off
and the resolution of the image is blurry,
1065
00:54:09,913 --> 00:54:12,540
and that lighting state
doesn't make sense for that image!
1066
00:54:12,624 --> 00:54:15,168
And that's not standard dimensions
for a news article.
1067
00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:18,463
I can't give you this knowledge.
It's like Malcolm Gladwell's Blink!
1068
00:54:18,546 --> 00:54:21,841
I've seen so much shit on the internet,
my brain instantly filters it.
1069
00:54:21,925 --> 00:54:25,595
You'll never have this skill set,
so just stay off the internet!
1070
00:54:25,679 --> 00:54:29,099
This world is not for you anymore!
Stop making decisions!
1071
00:54:29,182 --> 00:54:32,852
[crowd cheering and clapping]
1072
00:54:40,360 --> 00:54:42,112
But anyway, respect your elders.
1073
00:54:42,195 --> 00:54:43,822
[crowd laughing]
1074
00:54:44,948 --> 00:54:46,157
It's a Confucian value.
1075
00:54:47,325 --> 00:54:50,620
Maybe if you give your mom some money,
she wouldn't get scammed so much.
1076
00:54:50,704 --> 00:54:51,871
Yeah, well…
1077
00:54:51,955 --> 00:54:54,457
Think about the correlation
between those two phenomena.
1078
00:54:56,626 --> 00:54:57,752
Uh…
1079
00:54:57,836 --> 00:55:01,506
People always ask me, like,
"Why do you shit on your mom for money?"
1080
00:55:02,424 --> 00:55:04,134
"Why don't you shit on your dad
for money?"
1081
00:55:05,260 --> 00:55:07,137
Alright, uh… [chuckles]
1082
00:55:07,887 --> 00:55:14,060
No, I don't talk about my dad because, uh,
my dad has no context for show business.
1083
00:55:14,686 --> 00:55:16,187
Like, we grew up in Malaysia.
1084
00:55:16,271 --> 00:55:19,441
Like, his families
are rubber tappers in Malaysia.
1085
00:55:19,524 --> 00:55:21,818
My aunts and uncles are
still in Sitiawan in Malaysia
1086
00:55:21,901 --> 00:55:23,194
right now tapping rubber.
1087
00:55:23,278 --> 00:55:25,113
They have no context for show business.
1088
00:55:25,196 --> 00:55:27,198
Very smart people,
but they don't know this world.
1089
00:55:27,282 --> 00:55:30,744
My dad, he was the first guy in his family
to get a college education.
1090
00:55:30,827 --> 00:55:33,163
He went to Manchester College,
1091
00:55:33,246 --> 00:55:35,749
which has merged with the University
of Southern New Hampshire.
1092
00:55:35,832 --> 00:55:39,669
He got his master's of economics there.
Put himself through it. Very smart guy.
1093
00:55:39,753 --> 00:55:41,338
And he was a good immigrant.
1094
00:55:41,421 --> 00:55:44,716
He came to America, to New Hampshire,
to get his education,
1095
00:55:44,799 --> 00:55:46,926
and when he graduated,
he went back to Malaysia.
1096
00:55:47,010 --> 00:55:49,387
He didn't take anyone's job, he left.
1097
00:55:49,471 --> 00:55:50,555
[crowd laughing]
1098
00:55:51,139 --> 00:55:55,352
And my dad had the vision
to see what I didn't see.
1099
00:55:55,435 --> 00:55:59,522
He knew he had a ceiling on him,
because of the way he thinks and talks,
1100
00:55:59,606 --> 00:56:01,316
and he went back to Malaysia.
1101
00:56:02,150 --> 00:56:03,735
And he was right! For him.
1102
00:56:03,818 --> 00:56:06,154
He went back.
It was the right choice for him.
1103
00:56:06,237 --> 00:56:08,615
He became a very successful
corporate executive.
1104
00:56:08,698 --> 00:56:11,701
Uh, he retired to a farm
in Johor Bahru, Malaysia.
1105
00:56:11,785 --> 00:56:16,164
Love farming. He retired to a farm.
That's how much this guy loved it,
1106
00:56:16,247 --> 00:56:18,083
but he had no context for show business,
1107
00:56:18,166 --> 00:56:20,794
so he wouldn't understand
anything I'm doing.
1108
00:56:20,877 --> 00:56:23,755
Like, he wouldn't understand
what I'm doing in Godzilla vs. Kong.
1109
00:56:25,048 --> 00:56:27,801
He'd be like,
"Why don't you just run that way?"
1110
00:56:27,884 --> 00:56:30,011
[crowd laughing]
1111
00:56:30,095 --> 00:56:32,305
"Dad, I don't control the edit. Okay?"
1112
00:56:32,389 --> 00:56:36,226
"I'm just Honolulu Chinatown
shopkeeper No. 3 in this…"
1113
00:56:37,852 --> 00:56:39,312
"In this epic clash of titans
1114
00:56:39,396 --> 00:56:42,107
between the giant lizard
and the giant gorilla, okay?"
1115
00:56:42,190 --> 00:56:45,902
"I'm just connecting Act 1 to Act 2,
I don't have a say in how this plays out."
1116
00:56:45,985 --> 00:56:48,822
Because of that, I stopped
telling him about what I was doing.
1117
00:56:48,905 --> 00:56:51,241
I felt he wouldn't get it,
and he stopped asking me.
1118
00:56:51,324 --> 00:56:53,910
So I didn't tell him
I got hired on The Daily Show.
1119
00:56:54,494 --> 00:56:57,664
He found out the way all parents find out
about their kids' accolades,
1120
00:56:57,747 --> 00:56:59,707
through a local newspaper.
1121
00:56:59,791 --> 00:57:03,878
So, one day, the local paper reported
that I got hired on The Daily Show,
1122
00:57:03,962 --> 00:57:05,922
and he called me immediately. He was like,
1123
00:57:06,005 --> 00:57:09,008
Ronny, what's this I hear about you
joining "The Everyday Show"?
1124
00:57:10,260 --> 00:57:12,554
And I was like,
"Oh no, it's The Daily Show."
1125
00:57:12,637 --> 00:57:14,848
"I joined like two years ago, Dad."
1126
00:57:14,931 --> 00:57:17,350
He was like, "Oh, okay.
Well, what's The Daily Show?"
1127
00:57:17,434 --> 00:57:20,353
I'm like, "It's just like another
late-night American talk show."
1128
00:57:20,437 --> 00:57:22,856
"They kind of invented
modern American satire."
1129
00:57:22,939 --> 00:57:24,274
And… [clicks tongue]
1130
00:57:24,357 --> 00:57:27,444
And, uh, my dad was like,
"Oh, that's cool. Are you the host?"
1131
00:57:27,527 --> 00:57:29,362
I'm like, "No, I'm a correspondent."
1132
00:57:29,446 --> 00:57:31,448
He was like, "What is that?
What's a correspondent?"
1133
00:57:31,531 --> 00:57:35,160
I'm like, "Yeah, correspondent is,
I help the host with comedy segments."
1134
00:57:35,243 --> 00:57:36,744
And he was like, "Oh, okay."
1135
00:57:36,828 --> 00:57:39,122
"Hey, Mei! He's just a sidekick."
1136
00:57:39,205 --> 00:57:40,665
[crowd laughing]
1137
00:57:41,332 --> 00:57:43,001
And so he had, like, no context
1138
00:57:43,084 --> 00:57:46,171
for what was a win,
what was a milestone in this industry.
1139
00:57:46,254 --> 00:57:49,215
And so, I stopped telling him,
and he stopped asking me.
1140
00:57:49,299 --> 00:57:52,427
And I didn't need that from him.
We-- We were totally fine.
1141
00:57:52,510 --> 00:57:54,512
We'd talk about other stuff.
Not about work.
1142
00:57:54,596 --> 00:57:56,473
We weren't fighting. It was all good.
1143
00:57:56,556 --> 00:57:59,309
Uh, and he passed away
very suddenly, uh, in 2018.
1144
00:57:59,392 --> 00:58:00,852
He died on Christmas Eve.
1145
00:58:00,935 --> 00:58:03,897
Died on his farm, like,
no warning, no explanation.
1146
00:58:03,980 --> 00:58:09,444
He just left one day. He left so suddenly,
we had to go back to handle his estate.
1147
00:58:09,527 --> 00:58:12,363
If anyone here has been
so unfortunate to be in that position,
1148
00:58:12,447 --> 00:58:14,491
when you have to handle
someone else's estate,
1149
00:58:14,574 --> 00:58:17,827
it means that they left so abruptly
that other people had to come in
1150
00:58:17,911 --> 00:58:20,330
and close the administrative loops
in their life.
1151
00:58:20,413 --> 00:58:24,250
And so it's me, my wife, my sister,
brother-in-law, went back to Johor Bahru,
1152
00:58:24,334 --> 00:58:27,545
and part of me
trying to figure out his estate was
1153
00:58:27,629 --> 00:58:29,422
I had to hack into his laptop
1154
00:58:30,131 --> 00:58:32,550
just to figure out
what banks he was using.
1155
00:58:32,634 --> 00:58:35,470
So, his laptop was right
on the kitchen table where he left it,
1156
00:58:35,553 --> 00:58:38,306
and I opened it up,
and it's password-protected,
1157
00:58:38,389 --> 00:58:40,183
and I know this guy so well, I'm like,
1158
00:58:40,266 --> 00:58:43,645
"His password is going to be
the birthday of his favorite child."
1159
00:58:43,728 --> 00:58:44,687
So…
1160
00:58:44,771 --> 00:58:46,147
[crowd laughing]
1161
00:58:46,231 --> 00:58:49,108
…I type in my sister's birthday,
and spot on.
1162
00:58:49,943 --> 00:58:52,153
Spot on. It was my sister's birthday.
1163
00:58:52,237 --> 00:58:53,571
[crowd laughing]
1164
00:58:53,655 --> 00:58:56,991
As it should be. She's, like,
an anesthesiologist in Australia.
1165
00:58:57,075 --> 00:58:59,327
She's like way more respectable
person than me,
1166
00:58:59,410 --> 00:59:03,081
actually saving lives like a good person.
1167
00:59:03,164 --> 00:59:06,626
Contributing back to society,
not like this fucking asshole. I get in…
1168
00:59:07,126 --> 00:59:08,795
[chuckles] I get in trouble
on the internet
1169
00:59:08,878 --> 00:59:11,965
for shit I said two years ago,
every six weeks.
1170
00:59:12,048 --> 00:59:14,634
So it should be her.
She should be the favorite.
1171
00:59:14,717 --> 00:59:17,387
So, I log into his computer,
I open his web browser,
1172
00:59:17,470 --> 00:59:19,347
I look at his browsing history,
1173
00:59:19,430 --> 00:59:23,601
and the whole time, I'm like,
"Please don't let me find my dad's porn."
1174
00:59:23,685 --> 00:59:27,522
"Please don't let me find
what positions my dad was into."
1175
00:59:28,231 --> 00:59:31,192
"Even if it was just missionary,
I wouldn't be able to handle it."
1176
00:59:31,276 --> 00:59:33,194
"I'm gonna have to burn this laptop."
1177
00:59:33,278 --> 00:59:34,279
For real Chinese people,
1178
00:59:34,362 --> 00:59:36,781
when we burn things,
it goes to our ancestors,
1179
00:59:36,864 --> 00:59:39,826
and then my granddad is gonna see it,
and it's like, I don't…
1180
00:59:40,868 --> 00:59:44,998
I don't want that for them. I'll be fine,
but they're gonna have an awkward time.
1181
00:59:45,498 --> 00:59:47,083
I'm considerate like that, uh…
1182
00:59:47,166 --> 00:59:49,544
So I open the web browser,
look at his history,
1183
00:59:49,627 --> 00:59:51,337
and way to go, Dad, no porn.
1184
00:59:52,046 --> 00:59:56,259
What a clean-cut guy. No porn.
He only went on the internet twice a day.
1185
00:59:56,342 --> 00:59:59,971
Like clockwork. 6:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m.
Like the farmer that he was.
1186
01:00:00,054 --> 01:00:03,641
And every time he went on the internet,
he'd only go to two websites each time.
1187
01:00:03,725 --> 01:00:06,978
So, the first website he'd go to
was a local news website,
1188
01:00:07,061 --> 01:00:10,815
and the second website he'd go to
twice a day, every single day,
1189
01:00:10,898 --> 01:00:12,650
was my Twitter page.
1190
01:00:12,734 --> 01:00:13,568
[crowd] Aw…
1191
01:00:13,651 --> 01:00:17,780
So, he'd be reloading my Twitter page
twice a day just to see what I was doing.
1192
01:00:18,573 --> 01:00:21,242
And I post stuff like,
"Hey, Honolulu, Hawaii,
1193
01:00:21,326 --> 01:00:25,455
I sold out five shows, uh, this week,
why's there so many homeless people here?"
1194
01:00:25,538 --> 01:00:26,789
I'd post stuff like that.
1195
01:00:26,873 --> 01:00:28,666
[crowd laughing]
1196
01:00:29,167 --> 01:00:30,335
And, uh…
1197
01:00:31,419 --> 01:00:34,047
he would read that, and then he'd be like…
1198
01:00:34,130 --> 01:00:36,424
I assume, he'd be like,
"Oh, Ronny's doing okay."
1199
01:00:36,507 --> 01:00:38,843
"He's in Hawaii, he sold out some shows,
1200
01:00:38,926 --> 01:00:41,638
and oh, I guess there's a lot
of homeless people in Hawaii."
1201
01:00:42,221 --> 01:00:46,851
Uh, and, um, that was his quiet way
of keeping up with me.
1202
01:00:46,934 --> 01:00:47,935
He never told me that,
1203
01:00:48,019 --> 01:00:50,521
and I never knew that,
and we never discussed it,
1204
01:00:50,605 --> 01:00:52,899
um, which is a very nice sentiment.
1205
01:00:52,982 --> 01:00:56,152
Unfortunately, uh, as best as I can tell,
1206
01:00:56,861 --> 01:00:59,781
this is the last tweet
my dad read of mine.
1207
01:01:02,367 --> 01:01:06,037
[crowd laughing]
1208
01:01:16,923 --> 01:01:18,633
So, as best as I can tell,
1209
01:01:19,300 --> 01:01:20,927
forensically,
1210
01:01:21,010 --> 01:01:24,097
based on internet browsing timestamps,
1211
01:01:25,515 --> 01:01:27,892
the last tweet my dad read of mine,
1212
01:01:27,975 --> 01:01:30,770
and quite possibly,
the last thing he ever read
1213
01:01:32,313 --> 01:01:34,440
before he died on his farm,
1214
01:01:35,942 --> 01:01:37,860
was me posting on Twitter,
1215
01:01:37,944 --> 01:01:42,490
"If you're a baby boomer on Twitter,
I already know you're a fucking loser."
1216
01:01:42,573 --> 01:01:44,409
[crowd laughing]
1217
01:01:51,791 --> 01:01:54,377
Now, obviously,
this was not directed towards him.
1218
01:01:56,087 --> 01:01:57,839
I didn't even know he had Twitter.
1219
01:01:58,673 --> 01:02:01,050
I didn't even know
he knew what Twitter was.
1220
01:02:04,804 --> 01:02:06,305
But I stand by the statement.
1221
01:02:06,389 --> 01:02:08,141
[crowd laughing]
1222
01:02:08,224 --> 01:02:10,977
[applause]
1223
01:02:15,022 --> 01:02:18,609
And I know that's kind
of a weird way to end the show, but, um…
1224
01:02:18,693 --> 01:02:19,652
[crowd laughing]
1225
01:02:19,736 --> 01:02:21,237
[chuckles]
1226
01:02:21,320 --> 01:02:24,115
…if it's any solace, uh,
this was his phone when he died.
1227
01:02:25,116 --> 01:02:26,993
[crowd] Aw!
1228
01:02:27,076 --> 01:02:30,872
That was his, uh, wallpaper
and his screensaver.
1229
01:02:30,955 --> 01:02:32,790
And… [chuckles] And I didn't even know.
1230
01:02:32,874 --> 01:02:36,210
And it's a photo
of me and my wife, and we're in Hawaii.
1231
01:02:37,545 --> 01:02:39,046
And I'm wearing two leis
1232
01:02:39,130 --> 01:02:41,340
'cause my mom threw one off
and I put it on.
1233
01:02:41,424 --> 01:02:43,426
[crowd laughing]
1234
01:02:44,802 --> 01:02:49,640
And, uh, I didn't know that this was
his screensaver and his wallpaper.
1235
01:02:49,724 --> 01:02:51,058
Uh, and…
1236
01:02:51,142 --> 01:02:53,269
[applause]
1237
01:02:56,814 --> 01:02:58,149
Uh…
1238
01:02:59,066 --> 01:03:00,485
I-- I like to…
1239
01:03:00,568 --> 01:03:05,114
I like to think that, uh, that is
the last image he saw of me.
1240
01:03:05,198 --> 01:03:07,408
That's what he remembered me by
when he left.
1241
01:03:07,492 --> 01:03:10,369
And, uh, I also would
like to tell my sister,
1242
01:03:10,453 --> 01:03:11,746
I won!
1243
01:03:11,829 --> 01:03:14,123
- [crowd laughing]
- I won! It was me!
1244
01:03:14,749 --> 01:03:15,583
It was me!
1245
01:03:15,666 --> 01:03:18,336
You guys have been great.
Thanks for coming out, Honolulu.
1246
01:03:18,419 --> 01:03:20,922
- [crowd cheering]
- [gentle Hawaiian music playing]
1247
01:03:28,221 --> 01:03:31,015
[cheering continues]
1248
01:03:40,608 --> 01:03:44,195
[gentle Hawaiian music continues playing]
1249
01:04:53,431 --> 01:04:55,641
[music fades]