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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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make some noise for Ronny Chieng!
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Thank you.
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Thank you, Hawaii!
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I'm turning 38, so I'm harvesting
my wife's eggs this year.
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I'm harvesting my wife's eggs
so that we can make embryos,
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so we can freeze the embryos,
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so that we do not have to have kids
right now because kids are what you have
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when you've given up
on your own hopes and dreams.
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I'm still trying here!
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I look at my friends
who are my age who have kids,
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and they all look like shit.
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It's gotten to the point
where I can't even take a photo with them
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and post it on my main grid
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because it messes up
the aesthetics of my Instagram too much.
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With their fucking haggard faces.
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Just drooping,
wrinkly crow's-feet-embedded heads.
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Receding hairlines.
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Just withering, graying hair
coming out in clumps.
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Because of their children.
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Like, I did a show,
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and someone I went to high school with
in Singapore came to the show,
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and after the show, I met up with them,
and they brought another person with them,
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and I was like,
"Oh, is this other person your mom?"
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"Thank you so much
for bringing your mother to my show."
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And that other person was also
someone I went to high school with.
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That's how fucking ugly...
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...these people have become
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because of their children.
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Just unrecognizable.
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So I'm trying to use money and science
to push the curve back a little bit.
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And, um, first step
of harvesting my wife's eggs is,
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I have to inject my wife
twice a day for two weeks.
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So, I have to inject my wife.
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I am the one injecting my wife
twice a day for two weeks.
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Zero medical training.
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I was given
no medical training whatsoever.
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The government lets you do this.
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The-- The doctor asked me to do it.
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The doctor was like, "Hey,
have you ever held a needle before?"
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"No? Perfect, here, take this,
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and inject your wife
in the middle of her body,
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like Nicolas Cage in The Rock."
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"Twice a day for two weeks
with chemicals that we mail to you."
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"Mystery chemicals
that we send to your house
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in unmarked brown boxes."
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"Just trust us that it's the right thing
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that you're injecting
into the person you love the most."
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Internet chemicals that show up--
It comes in a powder!
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I have to make it into a liquid,
you understand?
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It's a meth lab in my kitchen
as I'm mixing... the comp--
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I'm sweating the whole time
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'cause I'm scared I'll fuck up
the measurements and kill my wife
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with these powerful pharmaceuticals
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that you dissolve it in distilled water
completely, then you have to, like--
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The air bubbles are fucking up
the micro millimeter measurements.
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And then you have to
put it in the syringe.
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Then you have to flick the needle
with a positive attitude
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like you know what you're doing.
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I don't know what I'm doing!
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I saw someone do this on Doogie Howser.
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I don't even know
the angle to put it into her.
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Like, it looks
so painful going in, like--
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I love my wife so much
I can't even bear to watch her in pain.
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I couldn't even bear
to watch the needle go into her.
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I had to inject my wife like this.
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I had to, like, cover my eyes,
and, like, backhand it...
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...into her like Kurosawa.
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"Did I get the middle of your body?"
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"No?"
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"Okay, just walk into the needle!"
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"I'm supposed to do all the work here?
Meet me halfway."
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And, uh, the doctor said,
"If you do everything right,
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if you... measure correctly,
you inject at the right times,
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they scan, like, this part of her body,
you know, that Chicago Bulls logo.
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Right? And they were like...
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..."If you do everything right,
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based on what we can tell,
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you should expect 15 eggs."
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And my wife ended up getting 26.
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Yeah. Always a...
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Yeah, always like a late,
half-hearted response to...
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Usually, the women in the crowd
are like, "Whoo, yeah."
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All the men in the crowd are always like...
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"Is that a good number?"
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"Is 26 a good number of eggs?"
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"How many eggs equal one bebe?"
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"Is it four eggs is one bebe?"
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"So 26 eggs is six and a half bebes
if you squish it together..."
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Let me put this in a language
that men can understand, okay?
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Twenty-six eggs from one vagina,
in one cycle, is MVP numbers.
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Twenty-six eggs is like,
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if Magic Johnson averaged
the triple-double and killed his own AIDS.
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Okay? That's the level
of medical miracle that's happening
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in whatever this part of my wife's body,
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that horn of the bull
that, like, curls into itself.
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The doctor, like, scraped out 26 eggs
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out of my wife's vagina, like salmon roe.
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Just scooping out.
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Just dripping out, and then you put it
in some nigiri, right?
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And then you eat it.
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That's how babies are made.
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You gotta Salt Bae the eggs
onto the ikura, and then you eat it.
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So, uh, we're trying to make embryos.
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So, eggs, that's just half the equation.
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I don't know if you know
how embryos are made,
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but eggs, that's just half of it.
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She did her part admirably.
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So now I have to contribute
my half of the embryo equation.
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So I'm sitting in the doctor's office.
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Like a wet pigeon, all right?
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And the doctor comes over.
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And the doctor's a woman
because of course she is.
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She's like, "Good morning, Mr. Chieng."
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"So, um, when's the last time
you ejaculated?"
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My wife is right here,
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and she's like, "Yeah,
when is the last time you ejaculated?"
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"We would all like to know."
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It's the one time in life where you're
not allowed to lie about jerking off.
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It's when a medical professional
is asking you a direct question.
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And it's for reproduction.
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It's for the intended purpose,
so you gotta tell the truth.
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So I'm like,
"Whatever, I'll tell the truth."
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"Uh, let me check my calendar, uh..."
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"I guess the last time
I ejaculated was, um..."
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"Let me see...
Uh, yesterday, around 3:00 p.m."
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And my wife is like,
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"Yesterday...
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I was with you all day."
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And I was like, "Yeah, but remember
when you took out the trash?"
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Because I also put up MVP numbers.
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Against a shot clock.
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And heavy defensive pressure.
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But I was thinking of you the whole time.
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It's really hot the way you carried out
that dripping garbage bag
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full of fish sauce
or whatever Vietnamese people eat.
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My wife is Vietnamese.
I've no idea what the fuck she eats.
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Nước mắm.
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And I went into the room in the hospital
you go to jerk off.
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It's the medical jerking-off room.
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Every hospital
has a medical jerking-off room.
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Okay? It's nondescript,
not a lot of signage.
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Smaller than I think it should be.
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Lots of crinkly tracing paper
under your butt.
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And I'm sitting
in a medical jerking-off room.
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By myself.
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And there's grown men outside the door,
waiting for me to finish...
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...so they, too,
can use the medical jerking-off room
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that we are sharing like a WeWork.
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And I'm in a medical
jerking-off room by myself.
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And...
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I couldn't go!
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Okay? Sorry!
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Sorry for not being a pervert who can just
jerk off in hospitals on demand.
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I'm sorry!
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Sorry for not being a sex offender
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who can just jerk off
as people are dying above me and below me!
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Sorry!
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Sorry the thought of someone
getting defibrillated back into life
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in the adjoining operating theaters,
as they code to death painfully,
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and the families
crying in the waiting room
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wasn't turning me on.
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So I couldn't go. I couldn't go.
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So I just call 911, right?
I'm like...
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{\an8}I'm like, "These people are forcing me
to medically ejaculate
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in a completely sterile room."
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Uh, I call the doctor back in,
and I'm like, "Doc, I can't go."
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"Okay? I can't medically ejaculate
under these circumstances."
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"The vibes are off."
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"Let me go home. Let me go home
to medically ejaculate. Can I do that?"
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And the doctor's like,
"Yeah, you can go home,
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but, you know,
as soon as it comes out of your body,
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it expires quicker
than avocados in Hawaii, alright?"
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"You've got..."
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"You have, like, a 45-minute window
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before there's like an exponential
decreasing probability of..."
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I'm like, "Okay, fine."
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"I'll go home, I'll medically ejaculate,
I'll come back in 45 minutes, no problem."
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So I go home, open the front door,
ejaculate immediately.
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Alright? This is...
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Alright? This is home court advantage.
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I know where everything is,
I know what's behind me.
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I look at the dripping garbage bag.
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It's like a Pavlovian response
at this point. Um...
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I ejaculate into a cup.
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Okay? It's a cup that they gave me.
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It's not a fucking coffee mug
from my kitchen.
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That says, "World's Best Dad" on it.
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It's the cup
that they use-- doctors give you
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to test your pee for drugs.
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It's got a really tight cap, right?
So, I ejaculate into the cup.
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It keeps overflowing,
so I gotta keep, like, pouring it out.
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Just overwhelming amounts.
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It's like Ghostbusters 2 up in here.
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I fill it to the brim,
and then I scrape off the top, and then I...
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And then I seal the cap
as tight as I can, right?
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Get it really nice and tight.
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And then I-- I put it inside my T-shirt,
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next to my skin, under my armpit.
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Nice and snug.
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Because the doctor told me to do that.
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Because apparently, like the Titanic,
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your body heat
will keep your people alive.
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And then I run downstairs,
and I jump into a New York City taxi,
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and I'm like, "Take me
to Langone Hospital, please. Hurry up."
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00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:10,372
The taxi driver is like, "What the fuck
are you doing with your hand?"
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00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:12,874
"Are you okay?"
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I'm like, "Oh, yeah, no, I'm fine."
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00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:17,963
"No, it's not me. It's my-- my wife.
She's wait-- A person... It's my jizz."
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And New York City taxis
have seen much worse.
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00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:27,932
So, the taxi driver was like,
"Oh, okay, cool."
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00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:31,811
"Thank you for using a cup."
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00:13:35,272 --> 00:13:37,858
"Unlike the last two dudes
who were back there."
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Just raw dogging at the JFK,
you know what I'm saying?
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And, uh, we get to the--
we get to the hospital, right?
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I open the taxi door.
I run into the hospital.
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And because it's New York City,
someone on the sidewalk is like,
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"Hey, yo! Hey, yo!"
221
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,583
"Were you that guy in Shang-Chi?"
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00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,925
"Am I... Yes, I was a minor character
in the Marvel movie Shang-Chi,
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00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:04,927
not the main guy."
224
00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:10,683
And the guy's like,
"Yo! Yo! Can I get a photo with you?"
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00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:14,770
And I'm like,
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00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:16,230
"Okay, sure."
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00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:25,948
So, we take a photo like this.
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So, someone on the internet
has a photo of me and this stranger.
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And I'm doing this.
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00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:33,664
Like Napoleon.
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If you ever come across this photo,
just know I am holding my own jizz.
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So feel free to tag it.
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He was very grateful.
He was like, "Aw, thanks so much, man."
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00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:53,183
And I was like, "No problem, man."
I shake his hand, right?
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00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:58,898
Because I love meeting my fans.
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00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:03,192
And I run into the hospital, right?
Already hitting the 45-minute mark.
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00:15:03,193 --> 00:15:06,529
End of the fourth quarter.
There's no time left on the clock.
238
00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:09,074
So I just take my jizz
and I just throw a buzzer-beater.
239
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:12,077
Right? The doctor, like,
catches my jizz, like...
240
00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:17,999
Like Odell Beckham.
She just, like, one hand, grabs it,
241
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:21,002
and, like, in the same motion,
without even putting it down,
242
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:25,382
she, like, alley-oops my jizz
into my wife's eggs, right?
243
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:29,511
Just takes it, and she goes,
"Boom, shaka-laka!"
244
00:15:31,221 --> 00:15:33,556
And, uh, my sperm goes
into my wife's eggs,
245
00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:37,603
and then nobody knows what happens
when sperm goes into the egg.
246
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:39,730
Nobody knows. It's a mystery.
247
00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:43,024
It's a mystery of the universe.
Nobody knows.
248
00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:46,069
When sperm goes into the egg,
it's unknowable. Ooh, it's...
249
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:48,112
It's like the event horizon
on a black hole.
250
00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:51,157
No one can know what happens
when sperm goes into the egg.
251
00:15:51,158 --> 00:15:52,618
Sometimes, nothing happens.
252
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:56,413
When sperm goes into the egg,
sometimes, it becomes a bubble tea.
253
00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:02,211
Nobody knows where bubble tea comes from.
254
00:16:03,587 --> 00:16:05,089
It's "tapioca."
255
00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:09,425
The sperm goes into the egg,
and then you shake it,
256
00:16:09,426 --> 00:16:11,845
and you go to Vegas,
you throw it on the crap table...
257
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:15,306
And if you're lucky,
if you get a good dice roll, right?
258
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:16,809
It becomes a blastocyst.
259
00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:20,269
That's what we call
future humans, blastocysts.
260
00:16:20,270 --> 00:16:21,729
It becomes embryos.
261
00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:23,815
The doctor, she'll take all the embryos
262
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,109
and she'll look at them
under the microscope,
263
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:28,070
and she'll grade the embryos.
264
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:29,863
Like cocaine.
265
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:36,745
She'll be like, "Ooh, yeah, these ones?
These are A-grade embryos right here."
266
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:44,378
"These ones, these are-- these are
B-grade embryos, so-- so I don't know."
267
00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:50,425
"These-- These ones?
These are C-grade embryos..."
268
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:51,676
"Oh, and these ones?"
269
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,762
"Yeah, these-- these are--
These are D-grade embryos."
270
00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:58,767
"Yeah, these... These will storm
the Capitol someday." Alright? So...
271
00:16:59,893 --> 00:17:01,228
You don't want that.
272
00:17:02,062 --> 00:17:02,980
And then...
273
00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:12,322
And then you have to, like,
draft pick your kids
274
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:15,742
based on scouting reports and analytics.
275
00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:18,244
And you don't know.
You're just projecting data.
276
00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:21,498
You just hope you're not throwing away
a Tom Brady in the 12th round
277
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:26,419
that's going to overcome the odds
and become the greatest of all time
278
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:28,797
because you can't measure
the human spirit.
279
00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:32,926
And, uh, we all like to think
we're good people in this room,
280
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:36,345
but we're all picking
the A-grade embryos, okay?
281
00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:41,184
No one here is not picking
your A-grade embryos if given a choice.
282
00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:43,979
Even if you were a B-grade embryo.
283
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,400
You would still pick your A-grade embryos.
284
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:51,403
Because you'll be like,
"I know what it's like."
285
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:56,116
"I'm not putting my kids
through this B-grade human existence,
286
00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:58,952
with sweaty palms and sciatica."
287
00:18:01,371 --> 00:18:04,332
"Give me the A-grade shit.
Give me the best we could do."
288
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,375
"Give my kid a fighting chance."
289
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:10,630
And it got me thinking about the future
a little bit because I never wanted kids.
290
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:12,423
I never thought I would have kids.
291
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:16,303
The only thing I ever wanted to do
my whole life was this.
292
00:18:16,887 --> 00:18:18,806
Stand-up comedy in America.
293
00:18:21,975 --> 00:18:23,310
It's the best.
294
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:27,022
Look at this. It's the best.
295
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:32,277
You are cheering because you know
this is way better than having kids.
296
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:38,325
So much more fun and lucrative.
297
00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:42,245
Well, the blastocysts are real now.
298
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,748
There's eight of them
waiting for me in the cloud.
299
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:46,666
Um...
300
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:50,128
33% chance of successful
implantation with grade-A embryos.
301
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,840
So, I guess that makes me
a mass murderer in Alabama.
302
00:18:54,341 --> 00:18:57,677
It got me thinking about the future.
What kind of parent am I gonna be?
303
00:18:57,678 --> 00:19:01,430
Am I gonna be
the same kind of parent my parents were,
304
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:05,309
or am I gonna be better
than my parents were?
305
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:07,145
Be more emotionally supportive
306
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,565
or whatever the fuck
you're supposed to be now, and...
307
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:13,734
Thinking about it, turns out I'm gonna be
just as bad as my parents were.
308
00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:16,696
I can-- I can feel it.
I can feel it inside me.
309
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,115
I can feel the--
I can feel the Chinese inside me.
310
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:24,245
I can just feel that high expectation,
just low tolerance for excuses.
311
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:28,291
It's in here. It's right in here.
It's like the default app.
312
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:31,544
You know, you can't delete
the calculator app. There's no "X."
313
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:33,629
When you shake it, there's no "X."
314
00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:37,676
You can move it off the home screen,
but it's still in the OS, embedded.
315
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,597
In the operating system,
I can feel the Chinese.
316
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,933
If my blastocyst was real,
if it entered this reality,
317
00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:49,478
and it turned to be
the cutest blastocyst ever.
318
00:19:49,479 --> 00:19:51,439
"Oh my God, look at this blastocyst."
319
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,150
"Everybody, look.
Look at how beautiful this blastocyst is."
320
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:56,027
"I love you so much, blastocyst."
321
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:58,988
"I love you much more
than I thought I would."
322
00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:01,866
And your blastocyst
is hugging you back, right, they're like...
323
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:03,744
"I love you too, Daddy."
324
00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:06,412
"Daddy, Daddy."
325
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:10,584
"When I grow up,
I want to be a stand-up comedian."
326
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,462
"Just like you."
327
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:20,718
I just feel the Chinese coming on, right?
328
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,137
I just...
329
00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:29,228
You take your glasses off
like Hitler in the bunker.
330
00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:40,072
"Stand-up comedy?
Are you out of your fucking mind?!"
331
00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:43,700
"That's not even a real job!"
332
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:46,619
"What do you think is gonna happen?"
333
00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:49,956
"Just gonna run around America
and tell jokes to strangers
334
00:20:49,957 --> 00:20:52,417
who don't give a fuck
about your mental health?"
335
00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:56,921
"And even if you do somehow
manage to overcome the odds,
336
00:20:56,922 --> 00:21:00,341
and make it to even
a semi-professional level
337
00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:02,009
as a stand-up comedian,
338
00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:07,516
do you think there's any chance in hell
you'll be funnier than me?!"
339
00:21:16,733 --> 00:21:20,070
"Dad is a borderline arena act
in some markets!"
340
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:22,863
"Have you seen my IMDb page?"
341
00:21:22,864 --> 00:21:26,451
"I'm in everything!
I will fucking crush your career!"
342
00:21:27,577 --> 00:21:28,620
Osoto gari!
343
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:33,500
"Your mother and I just spent a fortune
to make an A-grade blastocyst
344
00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:36,878
for them to become a B-grade comedian."
345
00:21:38,297 --> 00:21:41,049
"I will never watch anything you do."
346
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,719
"Go to law school!"
347
00:21:57,899 --> 00:21:59,985
Is what my father said to me.
348
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:13,456
I do think it's tough
for straight men in 2024
349
00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:17,377
to sincerely look up
self-improvement on the internet
350
00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:21,214
without five weeks later
storming the Capitol, okay?
351
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:27,970
That men's self-help YouTube algorithm
is very unkind to straight men right now.
352
00:22:27,971 --> 00:22:31,432
Okay? I'm not saying
it's the biggest problem in the world.
353
00:22:31,433 --> 00:22:32,767
Clearly.
354
00:22:32,768 --> 00:22:35,061
But it is a problem, okay?
355
00:22:35,062 --> 00:22:40,524
Because men were genetically predisposed
to seek self-improvement.
356
00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:43,569
Okay? We're trying
to be better people every day.
357
00:22:43,570 --> 00:22:45,322
Believe it or not, women.
358
00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:52,745
Once we hit a certain age, okay?
359
00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:54,915
Usually we die before then.
360
00:22:57,250 --> 00:23:00,544
Through suicide or environmental factors.
361
00:23:00,545 --> 00:23:03,923
BMX biking, dietary choices...
362
00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:06,425
But if you can live long enough as a man,
363
00:23:06,426 --> 00:23:10,721
you hit this age where suddenly
you become very introspective, okay?
364
00:23:10,722 --> 00:23:14,183
You start seeking guidance
from outside sources.
365
00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:16,103
You start looking at watches.
366
00:23:16,686 --> 00:23:20,689
Like-- Like every man in this room has
or will at some point.
367
00:23:20,690 --> 00:23:23,442
We've all been there.
Guys, we've all done this.
368
00:23:23,443 --> 00:23:26,737
We've all looked in the mirror
at some point in our lives.
369
00:23:26,738 --> 00:23:28,031
And we've been like,
370
00:23:29,199 --> 00:23:31,034
"What a fucking piece of shit."
371
00:23:33,662 --> 00:23:35,122
"I fucking hate this loser."
372
00:23:35,997 --> 00:23:37,248
"Look at this loser."
373
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:39,583
"Fuck this loser. I hate this person."
374
00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:41,253
"I need to be a better person."
375
00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:45,882
"Let me start by getting fit."
376
00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:52,556
"Let me work on my health."
377
00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:56,601
"That seems like a logical place
to start my journey."
378
00:23:57,269 --> 00:24:00,187
"Let me control
what I can control in here."
379
00:24:00,188 --> 00:24:03,399
So what do you do as a man?
You go on YouTube, right?
380
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,402
You look up how to lift weights.
381
00:24:05,902 --> 00:24:09,113
Right? You press "Enter."
You click on the first video.
382
00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:11,783
It's some guy
doing kettlebell swings, right?
383
00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:17,122
He'll teach you how to lock your core
so you don't break your fucking spine.
384
00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:20,375
And then you do that for two days.
385
00:24:23,253 --> 00:24:25,671
- You feel pretty good about yourself.
- Whoo!
386
00:24:25,672 --> 00:24:27,298
Right? And on the third day,
387
00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:31,303
the same YouTube channel
has a new video notification alert,
388
00:24:31,887 --> 00:24:35,223
The men are like, "What's this new video
from kettlebell-swinging guy?"
389
00:24:35,807 --> 00:24:38,893
"What could he be doing in his new video?"
390
00:24:38,894 --> 00:24:42,939
In the video, the kettlebell-swinging guy,
he's doing the new kettlebell exercise.
391
00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:45,107
"The lawnmower."
392
00:24:45,108 --> 00:24:47,902
He's doing that. And then,
like 30 seconds into the video,
393
00:24:47,903 --> 00:24:49,779
he just, suddenly, just stops.
394
00:24:50,447 --> 00:24:51,656
And he looks really sad.
395
00:24:52,574 --> 00:24:54,283
And he puts the kettlebell down.
396
00:24:54,284 --> 00:24:56,076
And he looks straight into the camera.
397
00:24:56,077 --> 00:24:57,204
And he's like,
398
00:24:57,829 --> 00:25:01,290
"Yo, guys, just real talk
for a second, all right?"
399
00:25:01,291 --> 00:25:04,126
"Kettlebells are great,
but I just want you guys to know
400
00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:08,840
that a healthy body
starts with a healthy mind."
401
00:25:12,302 --> 00:25:14,429
And all the men watching this are like,
402
00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:16,514
"Yeah."
403
00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:17,933
"Yeah, that makes sense."
404
00:25:18,892 --> 00:25:20,727
"That feels right, in here."
405
00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:24,022
"Tell me more, kettlebell-swinging guy."
406
00:25:25,815 --> 00:25:30,320
"What other advice do you have
for all areas of my life?"
407
00:25:31,655 --> 00:25:35,951
"Including my relationships
and financial investments."
408
00:25:37,369 --> 00:25:40,997
"Please give me guidance,
kettlebell-swinging guy."
409
00:25:41,831 --> 00:25:44,625
So what do you do?
You watch his next video on autoplay.
410
00:25:44,626 --> 00:25:46,210
Then you watch his next video.
411
00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:49,505
Here comes the YouTube algorithm
with a suggested video.
412
00:25:49,506 --> 00:25:51,465
And here comes another suggested video.
413
00:25:51,466 --> 00:25:53,509
And a week later,
Jordan Peterson is telling you
414
00:25:53,510 --> 00:25:55,512
that women use makeup to control men.
415
00:25:57,472 --> 00:26:01,184
Five weeks later, you're storming
the Capitol dressed like a buffalo.
416
00:26:11,111 --> 00:26:14,281
That's a very realistic
sequence of events, by the way.
417
00:26:15,073 --> 00:26:17,491
That's not even an exaggerated timeline.
418
00:26:17,492 --> 00:26:21,121
Every man in this room
has lost a buddy to the algorithm.
419
00:26:22,122 --> 00:26:24,206
We all know someone
who lost their fucking mind
420
00:26:24,207 --> 00:26:27,126
on that men's self-help,
Andrew Tate masculinity,
421
00:26:27,127 --> 00:26:29,420
YouTube self-help algorithm.
422
00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:31,715
If you don't know anyone
who lost their mind...
423
00:26:36,052 --> 00:26:37,887
...you're the one who lost their mind.
424
00:26:39,139 --> 00:26:41,433
You're currently
in an echo chamber of assholes.
425
00:26:42,350 --> 00:26:44,561
'Cause real friends tell you
when you're losing your mind.
426
00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:46,729
It's very tragic.
427
00:26:46,730 --> 00:26:50,775
All these men who are trying
to be better people,
428
00:26:51,651 --> 00:26:53,152
and they're seeking guidance.
429
00:26:53,153 --> 00:26:55,613
But that YouTube feedback algorithm loop
430
00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:59,158
just leads them to be
the worst version of themselves.
431
00:26:59,159 --> 00:27:00,785
There's tragedy in that.
432
00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:02,954
Like all those people.
433
00:27:03,913 --> 00:27:05,832
They were just trying to lift weights.
434
00:27:10,003 --> 00:27:12,672
They weren't trying
to cause an insurrection.
435
00:27:13,882 --> 00:27:16,009
They didn't even know
what that word meant.
436
00:27:17,552 --> 00:27:19,304
They were just trying to do this.
437
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:21,722
They're trying to do this.
438
00:27:21,723 --> 00:27:24,099
They didn't know what angle
their forearm was supposed to be
439
00:27:24,100 --> 00:27:25,851
vis-à-vis their torso, right?
440
00:27:25,852 --> 00:27:27,811
Is it 90 degrees or 45 degrees?
441
00:27:27,812 --> 00:27:30,856
Like, is that a different exercise
or is that the same reps when you...?
442
00:27:30,857 --> 00:27:33,359
They Googled it one time,
and then, five weeks later,
443
00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:35,695
you're taking a shit
on Nancy Pelosi's desk.
444
00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:40,659
And the US Marshals
are garnishing your wages.
445
00:27:41,868 --> 00:27:44,871
Because you take one wrong turn,
and life moves pretty quick!
446
00:27:45,955 --> 00:27:49,708
I'm not saying, as a man, don't take
responsibility for your own actions.
447
00:27:49,709 --> 00:27:52,378
Okay? I'm just saying
that YouTube algorithm
448
00:27:52,379 --> 00:27:54,797
is very alluring to straight guys.
449
00:27:54,798 --> 00:27:59,009
It-- It sucks men in in a way
that I don't think women understand.
450
00:27:59,010 --> 00:28:03,097
It really preys on that men's need
to seek guidance from somewhere.
451
00:28:03,098 --> 00:28:06,226
It's very hard to resist.
It just draws-- draws you in.
452
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:10,814
That's why fucking Mark Zuckerberg is
trying to MMA fight Elon Musk right now.
453
00:28:12,732 --> 00:28:15,610
That guy fell for his own algorithm.
454
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:18,362
Do you understand?
455
00:28:18,363 --> 00:28:20,532
Mark Zuckerberg
was just some fucking nerd.
456
00:28:21,032 --> 00:28:24,576
And for, like, 20 years now,
he's just been looking at our data, right?
457
00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:28,497
Jerking off every single day.
Just looking at our data, jerking off.
458
00:28:28,498 --> 00:28:31,250
Money piling up. Billions of dollars.
459
00:28:31,251 --> 00:28:32,376
Data. Jerking off.
460
00:28:32,377 --> 00:28:35,838
Money, money, jerking off, data.
For 20 years, that loop.
461
00:28:35,839 --> 00:28:39,550
And who knew after two decades of that,
one day, he just looked at so much data,
462
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:41,635
he was like, "Oh shit, oh shit."
463
00:28:41,636 --> 00:28:45,515
He fell into it.
Now he's trying to MMA-fight Elon Musk.
464
00:28:46,099 --> 00:28:48,810
That guy jerked off
and came on his own face.
465
00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:53,230
Like, it's out of control.
466
00:28:53,231 --> 00:28:54,690
Zuckerberg is a billionaire
467
00:28:54,691 --> 00:28:58,444
who has every material need
you could want in this reality.
468
00:28:58,445 --> 00:29:01,781
And he invented that shit,
and he still fell for it.
469
00:29:02,907 --> 00:29:05,994
What hope does the average man
in America have?
470
00:29:06,828 --> 00:29:09,079
Just walking-- Just waddling
down the street
471
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:12,624
looking-- looking for a taco on his phone.
472
00:29:12,625 --> 00:29:15,419
He's gonna get sucked into his phone.
He has no chance.
473
00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:17,130
That fucking guy has no chance.
474
00:29:18,465 --> 00:29:20,550
Because even the good guys in this room...
475
00:29:23,011 --> 00:29:24,888
we're all, like, on a razor's edge
476
00:29:26,306 --> 00:29:28,183
to being a piece of shit, okay?
477
00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:34,354
That margin between a good guy
and a piece of shit is razor-thin.
478
00:29:34,355 --> 00:29:35,606
I gotta tell you.
479
00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:39,903
If you have the means, every day is
just a battle to stay on that nice edge.
480
00:29:40,737 --> 00:29:41,695
And you know what?
481
00:29:41,696 --> 00:29:44,157
An Instagram post
could push it either way!
482
00:29:46,034 --> 00:29:47,702
Okay? It depends on the post.
483
00:29:48,369 --> 00:29:50,622
Was it cute animals or was it boobs?
484
00:29:52,916 --> 00:29:55,919
That's gonna determine your integrity
for the next six hours.
485
00:30:04,093 --> 00:30:06,638
I do think, as a society, we need to, uh,
486
00:30:07,305 --> 00:30:10,057
do a better job of identifying,
487
00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:13,686
like, when we have a disagreement
with someone who's
488
00:30:14,771 --> 00:30:17,690
genuinely trying to have
a good-faith discussion
489
00:30:18,525 --> 00:30:20,317
to reach higher understanding,
490
00:30:20,318 --> 00:30:21,986
and who's just talking shit.
491
00:30:22,737 --> 00:30:25,989
We are spending too much time
on the people who are just talking shit,
492
00:30:25,990 --> 00:30:29,034
and we're not spending enough time
on the people who are genuinely
493
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:32,204
trying to have difficult conversations
about difficult topics.
494
00:30:32,205 --> 00:30:33,372
Like, for example,
495
00:30:33,373 --> 00:30:35,249
me, right now,
496
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:37,876
I'm just talking shit, okay?
497
00:30:37,877 --> 00:30:39,419
This is one-way shit-talking.
498
00:30:39,420 --> 00:30:44,174
I don't care about any of your opinions.
Do not send me any of them. I do not care.
499
00:30:44,175 --> 00:30:47,220
You paid for me.
I didn't pay a cent for any of you, okay?
500
00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:55,602
Free market capitalism
has determined the direction
501
00:30:55,603 --> 00:30:57,521
of this shit-talking session.
502
00:30:57,522 --> 00:30:59,941
If you don't like it,
take it out on Adam Smith.
503
00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:04,528
But if I was having a conversation
with someone I disagree with,
504
00:31:04,529 --> 00:31:05,613
in good faith,
505
00:31:06,322 --> 00:31:10,451
I would probably start that conversation
with what we do agree with.
506
00:31:11,077 --> 00:31:13,872
That'd be a logical place
to start a difficult conversation.
507
00:31:14,455 --> 00:31:17,458
For example, MAGA.
Make America Great Again.
508
00:31:18,376 --> 00:31:21,296
They have a point.
America's not doing so great right now.
509
00:31:21,921 --> 00:31:24,173
Right? Our kids' math scores are down.
510
00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:28,677
Our children's science scores are down.
511
00:31:28,678 --> 00:31:31,346
When judged according
to international metrics, uh,
512
00:31:31,347 --> 00:31:33,348
healthcare systems not doing so great.
513
00:31:33,349 --> 00:31:35,934
Wealth gap disparities
increasing exponentially.
514
00:31:35,935 --> 00:31:39,313
There was an implied promise
to a generation of Americans
515
00:31:39,314 --> 00:31:43,609
that if you do certain things, work hard,
go to college, be a good person,
516
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:45,402
you would have certain outcomes.
517
00:31:45,403 --> 00:31:48,739
And those outcomes didn't materialize
for the majority of people
518
00:31:48,740 --> 00:31:51,116
because baby boomers entrenched
in decision-making positions
519
00:31:51,117 --> 00:31:53,077
lowered the capital gains tax...
520
00:31:54,495 --> 00:31:57,916
...so that their net worth
essentially compounds year after year.
521
00:31:58,499 --> 00:32:00,208
In post-World War II, US leadership
522
00:32:00,209 --> 00:32:03,170
traded the domestic manufacturing industry
for National Security
523
00:32:03,171 --> 00:32:06,965
by making the US dollar
the default international trade currency,
524
00:32:06,966 --> 00:32:10,260
which gave America the ability to impose
economic sanctions on foreign countries
525
00:32:10,261 --> 00:32:11,845
to a US financial banking system,
526
00:32:11,846 --> 00:32:14,556
but consequently increased the value
of the US dollar astronomically,
527
00:32:14,557 --> 00:32:18,144
which made it impossible for anyone
to manufacture anything in America.
528
00:32:19,145 --> 00:32:20,855
Although the logic at the time...
529
00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:24,566
...was that Americans
were supposed to upskill en masse,
530
00:32:24,567 --> 00:32:26,485
away from the menial manufacturing jobs,
531
00:32:26,486 --> 00:32:29,154
but everyone here's too much
of a dumbass to stay school,
532
00:32:29,155 --> 00:32:32,866
so we just traded domestic manufacturing
to Asia and the rest of the world
533
00:32:32,867 --> 00:32:35,078
at the expense of working-class families.
534
00:32:36,704 --> 00:32:38,414
But if you don't read enough...
535
00:32:40,083 --> 00:32:43,086
...it comes out as, "Let's go, Brandon!"
536
00:32:45,213 --> 00:32:46,838
And it's like, you have a point,
537
00:32:46,839 --> 00:32:50,802
but you don't have the vocabulary
to describe your reality
538
00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:54,846
because you didn't read enough.
You gotta keep reading beyond the hashtag.
539
00:32:54,847 --> 00:32:58,308
There's a book behind the word.
You gotta keep going.
540
00:32:58,309 --> 00:33:01,853
You can go at your own pace,
but you gotta finish the required reading.
541
00:33:01,854 --> 00:33:05,691
Otherwise, we can't have a conversation.
We're all catching up to each other.
542
00:33:05,692 --> 00:33:08,443
I'm friends with MAGA.
I'm friends with the MAGAs.
543
00:33:08,444 --> 00:33:10,779
- Some of them are my good friends.
- Whoo!
544
00:33:10,780 --> 00:33:11,781
Yeah.
545
00:33:12,615 --> 00:33:13,866
Hawaii MAGA.
546
00:33:15,493 --> 00:33:17,412
The friendliest of all MAGA.
547
00:33:21,290 --> 00:33:22,375
Aloha MAGA.
548
00:33:24,043 --> 00:33:26,754
They're in Hawaii right now,
Making Aloha Great Again.
549
00:33:28,464 --> 00:33:29,798
I became friends with them
550
00:33:29,799 --> 00:33:32,342
because I filmed two seasons
of a TV show in Hawaii,
551
00:33:32,343 --> 00:33:34,429
Doogie Kameāloha, on Disney+.
552
00:33:39,058 --> 00:33:41,268
MAGA Hawaii welcomed me into their homes.
553
00:33:41,269 --> 00:33:44,062
"Ronny, please, come over.
Please, we're having a barbecue."
554
00:33:44,063 --> 00:33:46,565
"We'd love you to meet the family,
meet the ohana, please."
555
00:33:46,566 --> 00:33:48,025
"We'd love to have you over."
556
00:33:48,026 --> 00:33:50,610
So gracious. You show up,
they're so warm and welcoming.
557
00:33:50,611 --> 00:33:52,988
"Thanks for coming.
Take whatever you want."
558
00:33:52,989 --> 00:33:55,907
"There's some Kalua pork,
there's some loco mocos, hot dogs."
559
00:33:55,908 --> 00:33:57,118
"Hey. Here. Here."
560
00:33:57,660 --> 00:33:58,619
"Touch my gun."
561
00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:02,790
"Touch it. Just touch-- Just take it."
562
00:34:03,458 --> 00:34:07,461
I'm always like, "I... I don't want
to touch any of these guns, okay?"
563
00:34:07,462 --> 00:34:10,589
"I don't know where they've been.
I don't know where they're going."
564
00:34:10,590 --> 00:34:13,342
"I don't have time in my schedule
to attend depositions."
565
00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,512
"Just give me the loco moco."
566
00:34:19,182 --> 00:34:21,391
Very passionate people, my MAGA friends.
567
00:34:21,392 --> 00:34:24,062
And I respect their passion
to some extent.
568
00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:29,232
I do. They're like, "I love America.
I would die for this country."
569
00:34:29,233 --> 00:34:31,443
And I believe them.
I believe they love America,
570
00:34:31,444 --> 00:34:35,448
and I believe they would die
for this country, which is very admirable.
571
00:34:35,990 --> 00:34:39,618
But it's like, man, you are willing
to die for your country.
572
00:34:39,619 --> 00:34:42,246
Why aren't you willing to learn math?
573
00:34:45,208 --> 00:34:47,250
Also for your country, like...
574
00:34:47,251 --> 00:34:49,504
Like, do both for your country.
575
00:34:50,171 --> 00:34:51,922
I know you wanna die for your country,
576
00:34:51,923 --> 00:34:54,174
but we're losing the engineering jobs
to Asia right now.
577
00:34:54,175 --> 00:34:56,510
So if you... We need
less people to die for their country.
578
00:34:56,511 --> 00:34:59,054
We need more people to do
their homework for their country.
579
00:34:59,055 --> 00:35:01,181
Like, do your homework for your country.
580
00:35:01,182 --> 00:35:04,602
Like, actually sit down
and show the work, and, like, do the...
581
00:35:05,186 --> 00:35:08,188
That's a more efficient way
to show your patriotism.
582
00:35:08,189 --> 00:35:11,900
If you take that "I want to die" energy
and you put it into homework,
583
00:35:11,901 --> 00:35:14,444
you will fucking top the school,
I'm telling you.
584
00:35:14,445 --> 00:35:15,696
It's...
585
00:35:16,322 --> 00:35:17,615
Sky's the limit.
586
00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:23,453
Dude, you'll-- you'll solve
a lot of problems,
587
00:35:23,454 --> 00:35:25,914
you'll create a lot of jobs,
you'll increase the GDP.
588
00:35:25,915 --> 00:35:28,376
Just do-- do your homework
for your country.
589
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:30,545
"I'd rather die!"
590
00:35:33,548 --> 00:35:35,967
I... I thought so. I thought that might be...
591
00:35:36,843 --> 00:35:38,426
I thought that might be the case.
592
00:35:38,427 --> 00:35:40,596
Dying's easy, math is hard.
593
00:35:42,807 --> 00:35:45,309
These quadratic equations
making me suicidal.
594
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:50,730
Uh, we try not to talk about politics,
my MAGA friends and I,
595
00:35:50,731 --> 00:35:52,190
out of mutual respect.
596
00:35:52,191 --> 00:35:53,650
Inevitably, it comes up.
597
00:35:53,651 --> 00:35:56,486
Some stuff I'm wrong about,
some stuff they're right about,
598
00:35:56,487 --> 00:35:59,156
but sometimes, like,
their messaging is so convoluted.
599
00:35:59,157 --> 00:36:02,742
Like, I can't get
to what their core issue actually is,
600
00:36:02,743 --> 00:36:05,453
because their surface messaging
is so chaotic.
601
00:36:05,454 --> 00:36:09,834
Like, sometimes they're like,
"Ronny, China caused COVID,
602
00:36:10,918 --> 00:36:13,462
but COVID isn't real."
603
00:36:21,512 --> 00:36:23,723
So, is it fine then?
Does it mean it's fine?
604
00:36:24,432 --> 00:36:26,267
I don't know how to feel about it now.
605
00:36:27,393 --> 00:36:30,478
'Cause one minus one is zero.
I don't know what to tell you. The...
606
00:36:30,479 --> 00:36:33,691
The math analogy works for concepts,
not just numbers, you can...
607
00:36:34,358 --> 00:36:35,276
"X" is anything.
608
00:36:36,027 --> 00:36:39,696
Why are you yelling at me about China?
Always yelling at me about China.
609
00:36:39,697 --> 00:36:42,866
"China is doing this. China did
a weather balloon, with a camera."
610
00:36:42,867 --> 00:36:45,535
"China's got
an artificial island in the Pacific
611
00:36:45,536 --> 00:36:47,412
doubling as an aircraft carrier base."
612
00:36:47,413 --> 00:36:49,916
"China's doing TikTok.
Why is China doing TikTok?!"
613
00:36:51,876 --> 00:36:53,127
I don't know.
614
00:36:55,713 --> 00:36:57,381
I'm not from China.
615
00:36:59,050 --> 00:37:00,593
I'm from Malaysia.
616
00:37:01,677 --> 00:37:03,345
I'm from Malaysia, not China.
617
00:37:03,346 --> 00:37:05,931
I'm-- I'm third-generation
Chinese Malaysian.
618
00:37:05,932 --> 00:37:06,973
Malaysia.
619
00:37:06,974 --> 00:37:10,060
You know Michelle Yeoh?
Oscar winner? Malaysia?
620
00:37:10,061 --> 00:37:11,519
Yeah, that's Malaysia.
621
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:14,732
Sama-sama. Malaysia.
Saya anak Malaysia. Malaysia.
622
00:37:15,483 --> 00:37:17,568
Malaysia, not China. Malaysia.
623
00:37:18,819 --> 00:37:21,322
We are the ones who lost the plane.
624
00:37:23,032 --> 00:37:24,033
Okay?
625
00:37:25,368 --> 00:37:26,577
You guys remember that?
626
00:37:27,411 --> 00:37:31,539
Did you see the documentary on Netflix,
suggested after my special?
627
00:37:31,540 --> 00:37:34,210
You guys see that? That was us.
628
00:37:36,128 --> 00:37:38,213
That was us.
We're the "lose the plane" people.
629
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:42,008
Okay? We're not the human rights
whatever-- I don't know-- TikTok--
630
00:37:42,009 --> 00:37:43,635
I don't know what that is, okay?
631
00:37:43,636 --> 00:37:45,720
We're the...
632
00:37:45,721 --> 00:37:48,432
"Ah! Where is it?! Where the fuck is it?!"
That's us.
633
00:37:52,019 --> 00:37:56,274
Uh, my-- my MAGA friends all hate US tax.
634
00:37:56,899 --> 00:38:00,860
That's like a universal party platform.
There's different types of MAGA, right?
635
00:38:00,861 --> 00:38:03,614
There's, like, MAGA light,
MAGA concentrated, but, like...
636
00:38:04,282 --> 00:38:06,783
Right, it's unfair to group them
under one banner,
637
00:38:06,784 --> 00:38:12,623
but one uniting party principle is,
"Love America, fuck US tax."
638
00:38:13,374 --> 00:38:14,249
And I get it.
639
00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:17,837
I also hate US tax
now that I'm in the highest bracket.
640
00:38:20,298 --> 00:38:22,633
Yeah, I'm MAGA with that. Fuck US tax.
641
00:38:23,551 --> 00:38:25,093
Yeah, fuck American tax.
642
00:38:25,094 --> 00:38:26,761
Feels good to say it.
643
00:38:26,762 --> 00:38:30,015
Like the words give you power, right?
Fuck US tax.
644
00:38:30,016 --> 00:38:33,476
Fuck American Tax.
You like it? You like it when I say it?
645
00:38:33,477 --> 00:38:37,314
When this fucking foreigner says it?
You like that? Fuck US tax. You like that?
646
00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:40,776
You like it when this accent says that?
Fuck American tax. You like that?
647
00:38:41,777 --> 00:38:43,988
You don't see a discrepancy in energy?
648
00:38:44,613 --> 00:38:46,239
"Love America, USA, USA."
649
00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:47,365
"Fuck US tax."
650
00:38:47,366 --> 00:38:51,286
Put politics aside for just three seconds.
Okay? If it's even possible.
651
00:38:51,287 --> 00:38:55,123
Just for three seconds,
just consider this concept in a vacuum.
652
00:38:55,124 --> 00:38:57,585
Just as an academic exercise, okay?
653
00:38:58,336 --> 00:38:59,545
When you love something,
654
00:39:00,588 --> 00:39:01,756
you give it money.
655
00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:08,011
Right? Like that's one
of the primary ways we show love
656
00:39:08,012 --> 00:39:12,099
for individuals, organizations,
ideas on Kickstarter,
657
00:39:13,476 --> 00:39:16,770
sports teams...
We go like, "Yeah, we give it money."
658
00:39:16,771 --> 00:39:19,356
So when you go, "Love America, USA, USA."
659
00:39:19,357 --> 00:39:21,733
"Fuck US tax." So what are you saying?
660
00:39:21,734 --> 00:39:24,652
You love America so much,
you want it to be poor?
661
00:39:24,653 --> 00:39:28,740
You want your country to be poor?
You want it to be a beggar on the street.
662
00:39:28,741 --> 00:39:32,328
A street beggar. You want your country
to be a street beggar on the street?
663
00:39:33,954 --> 00:39:35,164
I love my mom.
664
00:39:36,791 --> 00:39:38,292
Sometimes I give my mom money.
665
00:39:40,586 --> 00:39:43,422
- Give your mom money sometimes.
- Yeah!
666
00:39:45,091 --> 00:39:47,968
Look how alien this concept is
to white people.
667
00:39:51,806 --> 00:39:52,890
Just...
668
00:39:55,184 --> 00:39:56,310
silence.
669
00:39:58,479 --> 00:40:01,023
Give your mom money sometimes.
"For what?!"
670
00:40:04,318 --> 00:40:06,070
Because she's your Ma.
671
00:40:06,737 --> 00:40:08,154
And you love her, right?
672
00:40:08,155 --> 00:40:11,908
She loves you back, so fucking
cut her off a piece every once in a while.
673
00:40:11,909 --> 00:40:15,121
Probably tore stuff giving birth to you,
cut her a piece of the pie.
674
00:40:15,704 --> 00:40:19,707
Arbitrarily, even. Just give a--
I'm sure your mother would appreciate it.
675
00:40:19,708 --> 00:40:22,627
No matter who your mom is,
how self-accomplished she is,
676
00:40:22,628 --> 00:40:24,295
I'm sure your mom could use it.
677
00:40:24,296 --> 00:40:27,466
Fix the driveway,
invest in infrastructure. Something.
678
00:40:29,969 --> 00:40:33,597
Sometimes Americans treat their country
the way they treat their parents.
679
00:40:35,933 --> 00:40:36,851
Yeah.
680
00:40:38,894 --> 00:40:41,981
"I love my mom.
I love my mom. I would die for my mom."
681
00:40:42,773 --> 00:40:45,192
"But fuck her, she made her choices."
682
00:40:51,449 --> 00:40:52,949
I love being in America.
683
00:40:52,950 --> 00:40:55,953
I do. I love being here.
I had my options. I came here.
684
00:40:56,829 --> 00:40:59,122
I love being in America
because this is the country
685
00:40:59,123 --> 00:41:02,168
that puts show business above everything.
686
00:41:03,878 --> 00:41:06,589
And I am in the business of show business.
687
00:41:07,256 --> 00:41:09,299
So naturally,
I'm gonna come here and do it.
688
00:41:09,300 --> 00:41:13,845
I do this in America, "Fuck America.
Fuck the president. Fuck US tax,"
689
00:41:13,846 --> 00:41:15,931
money, money just comes into...
690
00:41:18,267 --> 00:41:19,642
"Fuck the president."
691
00:41:19,643 --> 00:41:22,937
"He's too old. Fuck this president."
The money comes in.
692
00:41:22,938 --> 00:41:24,481
Money just comes in.
693
00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:25,899
Like printing money.
694
00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:29,944
I do this in Malaysia,
same-- same words, same-- same clothing,
695
00:41:29,945 --> 00:41:33,239
same haircut,
facing the same direction, in Malaysia?
696
00:41:33,240 --> 00:41:34,158
Jail.
697
00:41:37,703 --> 00:41:40,497
Like, the arbitrage value
is out of control.
698
00:41:40,498 --> 00:41:43,333
Same product in different loc--
Obviously, I'll do this here.
699
00:41:43,334 --> 00:41:46,212
Why the fuck would I do it anywhere else?
It's the best.
700
00:41:50,299 --> 00:41:56,054
I think, uh, sometimes people forget
I'm a first-generation immigrant here.
701
00:41:56,055 --> 00:41:59,265
Because my second-generation
or later American friends,
702
00:41:59,266 --> 00:42:01,476
like, their parents were immigrants.
703
00:42:01,477 --> 00:42:04,939
And the way they talk
about their parents is so disrespectful.
704
00:42:05,564 --> 00:42:08,191
And they forget, like,
I'm also an immigrant.
705
00:42:08,192 --> 00:42:11,027
They'll be like, "You know my parents?
They're immigrants."
706
00:42:11,028 --> 00:42:13,531
"You know immigrants. They're so cheap."
707
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,953
Like, "Don't come over. My family's
over this weekend. My parents are here."
708
00:42:19,954 --> 00:42:22,873
"My parents are immigrants.
You know immigrants. Ugh!"
709
00:42:24,041 --> 00:42:25,000
"They're so cheap."
710
00:42:26,418 --> 00:42:30,296
Yo, I want to defend
immigrants here for a second, all right?
711
00:42:30,297 --> 00:42:31,549
Fuck that shit.
712
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:34,926
Yeah, my mom lives in Singapore.
713
00:42:34,927 --> 00:42:36,845
She is not an immigrant.
714
00:42:37,471 --> 00:42:40,099
She is still extremely cheap.
715
00:42:43,394 --> 00:42:45,896
Okay? Being cheap
is not an immigrant thing.
716
00:42:47,106 --> 00:42:48,774
It's genetic.
717
00:42:50,693 --> 00:42:52,152
Cheap people are cheap.
718
00:42:52,903 --> 00:42:56,739
They're not choosing to be cheap.
It's just inside, it's not a choice.
719
00:42:56,740 --> 00:43:00,493
Chinese baby boomers are cheap
'cause they don't know how to have fun.
720
00:43:00,494 --> 00:43:02,829
They haven't had fun in, like, 50 years.
721
00:43:02,830 --> 00:43:05,456
They, like, forgot the energy of fun.
722
00:43:05,457 --> 00:43:08,751
Like, of all the Asians right now
in the Asian fun hierarchy,
723
00:43:08,752 --> 00:43:10,086
from most fun to least fun,
724
00:43:10,087 --> 00:43:13,256
Chinese baby boomers,
least fun of all the Asians right now.
725
00:43:13,257 --> 00:43:16,302
I can say this. I'm Chinese, okay?
You don't fucking say it.
726
00:43:17,845 --> 00:43:20,263
This is our "N" word.
You don't fucking say it. I say it.
727
00:43:20,264 --> 00:43:21,514
You don't fucking say it.
728
00:43:21,515 --> 00:43:24,892
Least fun-- You don't fucking say it.
Least fun of all the Asians,
729
00:43:24,893 --> 00:43:26,311
Chinese baby boomers.
730
00:43:26,312 --> 00:43:31,274
Right now, of all the Asians,
most fun Asians, uh, the Koreans, okay?
731
00:43:31,275 --> 00:43:32,860
You gotta give it up for the Koreans.
732
00:43:36,697 --> 00:43:38,072
Give it up for the Koreans.
733
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,242
You gotta tip your cap and respect
the back-to-back championships
734
00:43:41,243 --> 00:43:42,619
of the modern-day Koreans
735
00:43:42,620 --> 00:43:45,330
just killing it with the fun
and the pop culture.
736
00:43:45,331 --> 00:43:46,456
They're-- Everyone's--
737
00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:50,377
They've got Blackpink.
They got music. They got BTS.
738
00:43:51,587 --> 00:43:55,341
Dude, BTS is right now in the army
fighting Kim Jong-un.
739
00:43:57,217 --> 00:44:00,512
Do you understand?
BTS is at the DMZ right now, just going...
740
00:44:10,689 --> 00:44:13,442
Just an unstoppable force
of entertainment.
741
00:44:14,610 --> 00:44:17,321
Taking down
countries and dictatorships.
742
00:44:18,197 --> 00:44:22,241
They got, uh-- Koreans got, uh,
the Parasite movie, Oscar-winning.
743
00:44:22,242 --> 00:44:27,289
They got Past Lives.
They got, uh... Crash Landing on You.
744
00:44:28,374 --> 00:44:31,919
Just dominating
the Netflix home page of white people.
745
00:44:34,129 --> 00:44:35,463
Never thought I'd see the day
746
00:44:35,464 --> 00:44:38,967
when white people's homepage
is full of K-drama. Just binging.
747
00:44:40,094 --> 00:44:42,596
Non-stop. They got, uh, Squid Game.
748
00:44:43,806 --> 00:44:47,059
Dude, Koreans have more fun
dying in Squid Game
749
00:44:48,227 --> 00:44:50,312
than Chinese people have at comedy shows.
750
00:44:51,355 --> 00:44:54,190
Chinese people at comedy shows,
they're looking at their phone.
751
00:44:54,191 --> 00:44:55,900
"Do I have to look up?"
752
00:44:55,901 --> 00:44:58,779
"He's here?
Okay, I'm gonna video for six minutes."
753
00:45:00,614 --> 00:45:02,366
Full flash video. This is...
754
00:45:03,367 --> 00:45:05,994
This is how I live in the moment
as a Chinese person.
755
00:45:07,913 --> 00:45:09,914
Koreans, most fun.
756
00:45:09,915 --> 00:45:12,834
Uh, Filipinos know how to have fun.
757
00:45:12,835 --> 00:45:14,961
Yeah, they love having fun, uh...
758
00:45:14,962 --> 00:45:18,464
Vietnamese people know how to have fun.
Cambodians know how to have fun.
759
00:45:18,465 --> 00:45:21,759
Hmong people know how to have fun.
Even Japanese know how to have fun.
760
00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:23,137
In a reserved way.
761
00:45:25,222 --> 00:45:26,890
Outwardly stoic.
762
00:45:28,308 --> 00:45:30,144
Inside, just anime.
763
00:45:33,772 --> 00:45:36,983
Outside, unreadable.
Inside, just the intro to Sailor Moon.
764
00:45:36,984 --> 00:45:39,361
Right? Just...
765
00:45:43,490 --> 00:45:45,534
Outside is just, "Ohayo gozaimasu."
766
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:52,583
Japanese people have so much fun
sometimes they go straight back to work.
767
00:45:54,793 --> 00:45:58,045
"You're not gonna change your suit?
Just straight into the office? Alright."
768
00:45:58,046 --> 00:46:00,173
Uh...
769
00:46:00,174 --> 00:46:03,634
Everyone knows Chinese baby boomers,
least fun of all the Asians.
770
00:46:03,635 --> 00:46:07,805
Because for Chinese baby boomers,
their primary directive in life is,
771
00:46:07,806 --> 00:46:10,017
"Do not get scammed."
772
00:46:11,393 --> 00:46:15,605
That's like the overriding directive that
informs the entire decision-making tree.
773
00:46:15,606 --> 00:46:18,357
RoboCop, primary directive,
"Do not get scammed."
774
00:46:18,358 --> 00:46:21,235
"Do not arrest OCP executive."
"Do not get scammed."
775
00:46:21,236 --> 00:46:24,947
And for Chinese baby boomers,
there's no value proposition, okay?
776
00:46:24,948 --> 00:46:27,034
It's just pure price sensitivity.
777
00:46:28,577 --> 00:46:32,289
That means any money outgoing is a scam.
778
00:46:35,584 --> 00:46:38,462
"If money leaves my possession,
779
00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:41,006
that was a scam!"
780
00:46:42,382 --> 00:46:44,342
So the whole time, they're just tensed up,
781
00:46:44,343 --> 00:46:46,302
they're just looking for scams
when they go out.
782
00:46:46,303 --> 00:46:47,261
They're just like...
783
00:46:47,262 --> 00:46:49,472
They can't even relax. "Scam's coming!"
784
00:46:49,473 --> 00:46:52,016
It'll be a two-drink minimum over here.
Parking guys, tip...
785
00:46:52,017 --> 00:46:53,643
Tensing up.
786
00:46:53,644 --> 00:46:56,104
Meanwhile, Koreans in the back
just having fun.
787
00:46:58,106 --> 00:47:01,651
Filipinos dancing like...
Chinese baby boomers just tensed up.
788
00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:05,488
The further they get from their house,
as distance X increases,
789
00:47:05,489 --> 00:47:09,243
they know the fees
will increase and so the ex--
790
00:47:09,827 --> 00:47:12,578
The expenditures are gonna increase,
so they keep tensing up.
791
00:47:12,579 --> 00:47:14,872
The further they get,
until eventually, like,
792
00:47:14,873 --> 00:47:17,625
their whole body tenses up
into, like, a "C," right?
793
00:47:17,626 --> 00:47:19,253
Like a "C" for Chinese.
794
00:47:21,463 --> 00:47:24,883
And then, in the back you're like,
"Go, go, have fun! Have fun!"
795
00:47:26,009 --> 00:47:27,469
They just refuse to have fun.
796
00:47:28,220 --> 00:47:30,763
Like, my mom came and visited me
in New York City.
797
00:47:30,764 --> 00:47:32,682
Her only son, she came to New York City.
798
00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:36,227
New York City is the kind of city where,
as soon as you open your front door,
799
00:47:36,228 --> 00:47:37,354
it's like $1.50.
800
00:47:39,147 --> 00:47:42,693
Like, if you touch your door knob,
it's like, Apple Pay $1.50, just going...
801
00:47:43,193 --> 00:47:44,819
It goes into the universe.
802
00:47:44,820 --> 00:47:47,488
My mom came in
and approached the front door in New York.
803
00:47:47,489 --> 00:47:49,407
She's like in the back of the apartment,
804
00:47:49,408 --> 00:47:52,493
"I'm good, I don't need
to leave the house today."
805
00:47:52,494 --> 00:47:54,579
My mom isn't even scared of Asian hate.
806
00:47:54,580 --> 00:47:56,582
She's more scared of inflation.
807
00:47:58,292 --> 00:48:00,626
She can't believe
the prices of things anymore.
808
00:48:00,627 --> 00:48:03,963
You take her out to Central Park.
"Let's go to Central Park, it's free."
809
00:48:03,964 --> 00:48:07,383
"Look how beautiful
New York is in autumn. Look at this."
810
00:48:07,384 --> 00:48:10,428
"Why are these hot dogs five dollars?
It's like, "No, this..."
811
00:48:10,429 --> 00:48:12,388
"The price is right.
No one is scamming you."
812
00:48:12,389 --> 00:48:16,267
"That's the correct
amount of money to pay for that."
813
00:48:16,268 --> 00:48:20,563
"You haven't been out of the house
in 50 years. That number is correct."
814
00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:21,981
"That's how much things cost
815
00:48:21,982 --> 00:48:25,277
after baby boomers destroyed
the global financial economy in 2010
816
00:48:26,445 --> 00:48:29,322
pursuing subprime mortgages, okay?"
That's... That's...
817
00:48:29,323 --> 00:48:33,200
If anything, you scammed yourself.
That's you scamming yourself.
818
00:48:33,201 --> 00:48:35,287
Yeah, "You played yourself." DJ Khaled.
819
00:48:37,831 --> 00:48:40,833
My mom came to visit me in Hawaii.
Her first time in Hawaii.
820
00:48:40,834 --> 00:48:43,586
And if you know Hawaii,
locals and the Hawaiians here,
821
00:48:43,587 --> 00:48:47,048
the least scammy culture on the planet.
822
00:48:47,049 --> 00:48:49,550
Could not be more generous as a community.
823
00:48:49,551 --> 00:48:53,429
You get so much more than you give
when you're on the islands of Hawaii.
824
00:48:53,430 --> 00:48:57,391
And, uh, my mom comes, and she lands,
and she gets to the hotel,
825
00:48:57,392 --> 00:48:59,727
and they welcome her,
"Aloha. Welcome to Hawaii."
826
00:48:59,728 --> 00:49:02,563
And they put a lei over her,
like a ring of flowers.
827
00:49:02,564 --> 00:49:05,567
They put it over her,
and my mom does this.
828
00:49:13,659 --> 00:49:15,410
"I'm not paying for that."
829
00:49:19,706 --> 00:49:21,624
And I'm like, "You can't do that, Mom."
830
00:49:21,625 --> 00:49:24,418
"They're not trying to trick you
into buying something."
831
00:49:24,419 --> 00:49:26,754
"They're trying to welcome you
to their homeland."
832
00:49:26,755 --> 00:49:29,799
"They're not tricking you into buying
just 'cause you touched it."
833
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:32,219
"This isn't Thailand. Just put on--"
834
00:49:34,262 --> 00:49:37,015
"Put on the lei, you're embarrassing me
in front of the Hawaiians!"
835
00:49:40,352 --> 00:49:41,395
Mahalo.
836
00:49:52,239 --> 00:49:56,742
These Chinese baby boomers,
most scared of being scammed in real life,
837
00:49:56,743 --> 00:49:58,954
the first to get scammed on the internet.
838
00:50:00,622 --> 00:50:05,001
For people who live in fear
their entire lives, extremely gullible.
839
00:50:05,002 --> 00:50:06,544
Because these baby boomers,
840
00:50:06,545 --> 00:50:10,799
they don't have the-- they don't have
the antibodies to deal with the internet.
841
00:50:11,842 --> 00:50:14,135
Completely clueless when they go on now.
842
00:50:14,136 --> 00:50:17,013
Like, watching baby boomers
go on the internet now
843
00:50:17,014 --> 00:50:21,268
is like watching babies
wandering into the kitchen by themselves,
844
00:50:22,853 --> 00:50:26,147
just looking for cookies
on the kitchen countertop, just like...
845
00:50:26,148 --> 00:50:29,316
Running their hands blindly
on the kitchen countertop.
846
00:50:29,317 --> 00:50:33,779
Pulling down knives. Kitchen knives
coming straight down into their eyeballs,
847
00:50:33,780 --> 00:50:36,199
into, like, the soft part of their skull.
848
00:50:36,825 --> 00:50:39,535
They go in the kitchen,
they open the oven, they turn it on.
849
00:50:39,536 --> 00:50:41,079
They stick their head inside.
850
00:50:41,747 --> 00:50:44,666
They're like, "Any pictures
of my grandkids in here?"
851
00:50:46,126 --> 00:50:49,670
"Is this link safe to click on?
Is this link safe to click on?"
852
00:50:49,671 --> 00:50:51,922
"Is this link safe to click on?"
853
00:50:51,923 --> 00:50:56,093
Just falling for every basic bitch
internet scam possible.
854
00:50:56,094 --> 00:50:59,847
These fucking baby boomers
tumbling into internet scams
855
00:50:59,848 --> 00:51:02,100
like pandas rolling down a hill.
856
00:51:04,352 --> 00:51:07,856
Just jujitsu-rolling
into scams every single day.
857
00:51:08,482 --> 00:51:11,317
Loving scams. "Oh, what do you want?
20 Target gift cards?"
858
00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:16,031
"Yeah, sounds like a legitimate way to pay
for antivirus software on my phone."
859
00:51:17,282 --> 00:51:19,950
"Everybody, look. Look at this link.
Look, there's a..."
860
00:51:19,951 --> 00:51:22,453
"'What's the one trick your doctor
doesn't want you to know?'"
861
00:51:22,454 --> 00:51:23,789
"Okay, I'll click on that link."
862
00:51:25,832 --> 00:51:28,085
"I knew it.
I knew my doctor was scamming me!"
863
00:51:29,795 --> 00:51:32,506
"That was a trick
he didn't want me to know."
864
00:51:33,215 --> 00:51:37,094
"I'm gonna invalidate his medical degree
with one click right now!"
865
00:51:38,970 --> 00:51:41,180
"This is not the scam.
My doctor is the scam. Let me..."
866
00:51:41,181 --> 00:51:42,516
Click on this...
867
00:51:43,350 --> 00:51:46,061
These fucking internet idiot savants
868
00:51:47,187 --> 00:51:49,981
who can't remember
a single goddamn password,
869
00:51:51,066 --> 00:51:54,569
but for some reason, can make
any piece of misinformation go viral.
870
00:51:55,403 --> 00:51:57,279
Like a Russian cyber army,
871
00:51:57,280 --> 00:51:59,615
just spreading misinformation
around the world
872
00:51:59,616 --> 00:52:01,743
in family group WhatsApp chats.
873
00:52:02,994 --> 00:52:06,539
Everywhere. "Everybody,
just look at this article. Is this real?"
874
00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:10,043
"Look at it. Is this real?"
It's how they fact-check! They spread it.
875
00:52:10,919 --> 00:52:14,964
"Look at this, this is a real...?
Everybody, weigh in."
876
00:52:14,965 --> 00:52:19,803
"I'm not saying a hair dryer
in your mouth will kill COVID."
877
00:52:20,887 --> 00:52:23,557
"Okay? But what?
You can't ask questions anymore?"
878
00:52:24,975 --> 00:52:29,229
"Look at this article from cnn-n-n-n.ru."
879
00:52:31,064 --> 00:52:33,732
"Quick, send it to your uncle,
send it to your..."
880
00:52:33,733 --> 00:52:36,695
"Send it to our whole family tree.
Everybody needs to see this."
881
00:52:37,571 --> 00:52:40,489
Has there ever been
a dumber generation of idiots
882
00:52:40,490 --> 00:52:43,325
more susceptible to fake news
than these fucking baby boomers
883
00:52:43,326 --> 00:52:45,996
literally believing
everything they see on the internet?
884
00:52:46,746 --> 00:52:50,542
I get the very reasonable argument
that every generation of human
885
00:52:51,209 --> 00:52:54,211
is going to be naturally
a little bit smarter than the last,
886
00:52:54,212 --> 00:52:56,922
due to the exponential
technology growth curve, okay?
887
00:52:56,923 --> 00:53:00,886
But this has got to be
the biggest gap in human history!
888
00:53:01,469 --> 00:53:04,889
The information asymmetry right now
is just out of control.
889
00:53:04,890 --> 00:53:07,183
You literally have people
in Honolulu right now
890
00:53:07,184 --> 00:53:10,436
auto-driving their Tesla Cybertrucks
as they vape out the window,
891
00:53:10,437 --> 00:53:13,898
and their phone AI
is trading cryptocurrency.
892
00:53:13,899 --> 00:53:17,235
Meanwhile, you have baby boomers,
they can't even right-click.
893
00:53:19,404 --> 00:53:21,865
They can't even right-click.
894
00:53:22,574 --> 00:53:25,619
"There's one button!
How do you right-click on one button?!"
895
00:53:27,704 --> 00:53:30,081
It's scary.
They don't know what's real anymore.
896
00:53:30,582 --> 00:53:34,502
"Hey, Ronny. Look at this photo
of Bigfoot shopping at Whole Foods."
897
00:53:37,130 --> 00:53:39,048
"Bigfoot is real now!"
898
00:53:39,049 --> 00:53:42,802
"Look, there's an image of him
buying kombucha at Whole Foods."
899
00:53:44,137 --> 00:53:47,307
"What technology exists
that can fake images?"
900
00:53:48,642 --> 00:53:51,895
I'm like, "Mom, that's not real.
Stop sending it around. It's not real."
901
00:53:52,395 --> 00:53:53,438
"How do you know?"
902
00:53:56,107 --> 00:53:57,733
They always get so indignant about it.
903
00:53:57,734 --> 00:53:59,611
Like, "How do you know
904
00:54:00,528 --> 00:54:02,071
that it's not real?"
905
00:54:02,072 --> 00:54:03,240
"How did you know that?"
906
00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:09,828
Because the font, the font is off
and the resolution of the image is blurry,
907
00:54:09,829 --> 00:54:12,539
and that lighting state
doesn't make sense for that image!
908
00:54:12,540 --> 00:54:15,167
And that's not standard dimensions
for a news article.
909
00:54:15,168 --> 00:54:18,462
I can't give you this knowledge.
It's like Malcolm Gladwell's Blink!
910
00:54:18,463 --> 00:54:21,840
I've seen so much shit on the internet,
my brain instantly filters it.
911
00:54:21,841 --> 00:54:25,594
You'll never have this skill set,
so just stay off the internet!
912
00:54:25,595 --> 00:54:29,099
This world is not for you anymore!
Stop making decisions!
913
00:54:40,360 --> 00:54:42,112
But anyway, respect your elders.
914
00:54:44,948 --> 00:54:46,157
It's a Confucian value.
915
00:54:47,325 --> 00:54:50,619
Maybe if you give your mom some money,
she wouldn't get scammed so much.
916
00:54:50,620 --> 00:54:51,870
Yeah, well...
917
00:54:51,871 --> 00:54:54,457
Think about the correlation
between those two phenomena.
918
00:54:56,626 --> 00:54:57,751
Uh...
919
00:54:57,752 --> 00:55:01,506
People always ask me, like,
"Why do you shit on your mom for money?"
920
00:55:02,424 --> 00:55:04,134
"Why don't you shit on your dad
for money?"
921
00:55:05,260 --> 00:55:07,137
Alright, uh...
922
00:55:07,887 --> 00:55:14,060
No, I don't talk about my dad because, uh,
my dad has no context for show business.
923
00:55:14,686 --> 00:55:16,186
Like, we grew up in Malaysia.
924
00:55:16,187 --> 00:55:19,440
Like, his families
are rubber tappers in Malaysia.
925
00:55:19,441 --> 00:55:21,817
My aunts and uncles are
still in Sitiawan in Malaysia
926
00:55:21,818 --> 00:55:23,193
right now tapping rubber.
927
00:55:23,194 --> 00:55:25,112
They have no context for show business.
928
00:55:25,113 --> 00:55:27,197
Very smart people,
but they don't know this world.
929
00:55:27,198 --> 00:55:30,743
My dad, he was the first guy in his family
to get a college education.
930
00:55:30,744 --> 00:55:33,162
He went to Manchester College,
931
00:55:33,163 --> 00:55:35,748
which has merged with the University
of Southern New Hampshire.
932
00:55:35,749 --> 00:55:39,668
He got his master's of economics there.
Put himself through it. Very smart guy.
933
00:55:39,669 --> 00:55:41,337
And he was a good immigrant.
934
00:55:41,338 --> 00:55:44,715
He came to America, to New Hampshire,
to get his education,
935
00:55:44,716 --> 00:55:46,925
and when he graduated,
he went back to Malaysia.
936
00:55:46,926 --> 00:55:49,387
He didn't take anyone's job, he left.
937
00:55:51,139 --> 00:55:55,351
And my dad had the vision
to see what I didn't see.
938
00:55:55,352 --> 00:55:59,521
He knew he had a ceiling on him,
because of the way he thinks and talks,
939
00:55:59,522 --> 00:56:01,316
and he went back to Malaysia.
940
00:56:02,150 --> 00:56:03,734
And he was right! For him.
941
00:56:03,735 --> 00:56:06,153
He went back.
It was the right choice for him.
942
00:56:06,154 --> 00:56:08,614
He became a very successful
corporate executive.
943
00:56:08,615 --> 00:56:11,700
Uh, he retired to a farm
in Johor Bahru, Malaysia.
944
00:56:11,701 --> 00:56:16,163
Love farming. He retired to a farm.
That's how much this guy loved it,
945
00:56:16,164 --> 00:56:18,082
but he had no context for show business,
946
00:56:18,083 --> 00:56:20,793
so he wouldn't understand
anything I'm doing.
947
00:56:20,794 --> 00:56:23,755
Like, he wouldn't understand
what I'm doing in Godzilla vs. Kong.
948
00:56:25,048 --> 00:56:27,801
He'd be like,
"Why don't you just run that way?"
949
00:56:30,095 --> 00:56:32,304
"Dad, I don't control the edit. Okay?"
950
00:56:32,305 --> 00:56:36,226
"I'm just Honolulu Chinatown
shopkeeper No. 3 in this..."
951
00:56:37,852 --> 00:56:39,311
"In this epic clash of titans
952
00:56:39,312 --> 00:56:42,106
between the giant lizard
and the giant gorilla, okay?"
953
00:56:42,107 --> 00:56:45,901
"I'm just connecting Act 1 to Act 2,
I don't have a say in how this plays out."
954
00:56:45,902 --> 00:56:48,821
Because of that, I stopped
telling him about what I was doing.
955
00:56:48,822 --> 00:56:51,240
I felt he wouldn't get it,
and he stopped asking me.
956
00:56:51,241 --> 00:56:53,910
So I didn't tell him
I got hired on The Daily Show.
957
00:56:54,494 --> 00:56:57,663
He found out the way all parents find out
about their kids' accolades,
958
00:56:57,664 --> 00:56:59,706
through a local newspaper.
959
00:56:59,707 --> 00:57:03,877
So, one day, the local paper reported
that I got hired on The Daily Show,
960
00:57:03,878 --> 00:57:05,921
and he called me immediately. He was like,
961
00:57:05,922 --> 00:57:09,008
Ronny, what's this I hear about you
joining "The Everyday Show"?
962
00:57:10,260 --> 00:57:12,553
And I was like,
"Oh no, it's The Daily Show."
963
00:57:12,554 --> 00:57:14,847
"I joined like two years ago, Dad."
964
00:57:14,848 --> 00:57:17,349
He was like, "Oh, okay.
Well, what's The Daily Show?"
965
00:57:17,350 --> 00:57:20,352
I'm like, "It's just like another
late-night American talk show."
966
00:57:20,353 --> 00:57:22,855
"They kind of invented
modern American satire."
967
00:57:22,856 --> 00:57:24,273
And...
968
00:57:24,274 --> 00:57:27,443
And, uh, my dad was like,
"Oh, that's cool. Are you the host?"
969
00:57:27,444 --> 00:57:29,361
I'm like, "No, I'm a correspondent."
970
00:57:29,362 --> 00:57:31,447
He was like, "What is that?
What's a correspondent?"
971
00:57:31,448 --> 00:57:35,159
I'm like, "Yeah, correspondent is,
I help the host with comedy segments."
972
00:57:35,160 --> 00:57:36,743
And he was like, "Oh, okay."
973
00:57:36,744 --> 00:57:39,122
"Hey, Mei! He's just a sidekick."
974
00:57:41,332 --> 00:57:43,000
And so he had, like, no context
975
00:57:43,001 --> 00:57:46,170
for what was a win,
what was a milestone in this industry.
976
00:57:46,171 --> 00:57:49,214
And so, I stopped telling him,
and he stopped asking me.
977
00:57:49,215 --> 00:57:52,426
And I didn't need that from him.
We-- We were totally fine.
978
00:57:52,427 --> 00:57:54,511
We'd talk about other stuff.
Not about work.
979
00:57:54,512 --> 00:57:56,472
We weren't fighting. It was all good.
980
00:57:56,473 --> 00:57:59,308
Uh, and he passed away
very suddenly, uh, in 2018.
981
00:57:59,309 --> 00:58:00,851
He died on Christmas Eve.
982
00:58:00,852 --> 00:58:03,896
Died on his farm, like,
no warning, no explanation.
983
00:58:03,897 --> 00:58:09,443
He just left one day. He left so suddenly,
we had to go back to handle his estate.
984
00:58:09,444 --> 00:58:12,362
If anyone here has been
so unfortunate to be in that position,
985
00:58:12,363 --> 00:58:14,490
when you have to handle
someone else's estate,
986
00:58:14,491 --> 00:58:17,826
it means that they left so abruptly
that other people had to come in
987
00:58:17,827 --> 00:58:20,329
and close the administrative loops
in their life.
988
00:58:20,330 --> 00:58:24,249
And so it's me, my wife, my sister,
brother-in-law, went back to Johor Bahru,
989
00:58:24,250 --> 00:58:27,544
and part of me
trying to figure out his estate was
990
00:58:27,545 --> 00:58:29,422
I had to hack into his laptop
991
00:58:30,131 --> 00:58:32,549
just to figure out
what banks he was using.
992
00:58:32,550 --> 00:58:35,469
So, his laptop was right
on the kitchen table where he left it,
993
00:58:35,470 --> 00:58:38,305
and I opened it up,
and it's password-protected,
994
00:58:38,306 --> 00:58:40,182
and I know this guy so well, I'm like,
995
00:58:40,183 --> 00:58:43,644
"His password is going to be
the birthday of his favorite child."
996
00:58:43,645 --> 00:58:44,687
So...
997
00:58:46,231 --> 00:58:49,108
...I type in my sister's birthday,
and spot on.
998
00:58:49,943 --> 00:58:52,153
Spot on. It was my sister's birthday.
999
00:58:53,655 --> 00:58:56,990
As it should be. She's, like,
an anesthesiologist in Australia.
1000
00:58:56,991 --> 00:58:59,326
She's like way more respectable
person than me,
1001
00:58:59,327 --> 00:59:03,080
actually saving lives like a good person.
1002
00:59:03,081 --> 00:59:06,626
Contributing back to society,
not like this fucking asshole. I get in...
1003
00:59:07,126 --> 00:59:08,794
I get in trouble
on the internet
1004
00:59:08,795 --> 00:59:11,964
for shit I said two years ago,
every six weeks.
1005
00:59:11,965 --> 00:59:14,633
So it should be her.
She should be the favorite.
1006
00:59:14,634 --> 00:59:17,386
So, I log into his computer,
I open his web browser,
1007
00:59:17,387 --> 00:59:19,346
I look at his browsing history,
1008
00:59:19,347 --> 00:59:23,600
and the whole time, I'm like,
"Please don't let me find my dad's porn."
1009
00:59:23,601 --> 00:59:27,522
"Please don't let me find
what positions my dad was into."
1010
00:59:28,231 --> 00:59:31,191
"Even if it was just missionary,
I wouldn't be able to handle it."
1011
00:59:31,192 --> 00:59:33,193
"I'm gonna have to burn this laptop."
1012
00:59:33,194 --> 00:59:34,278
For real Chinese people,
1013
00:59:34,279 --> 00:59:36,780
when we burn things,
it goes to our ancestors,
1014
00:59:36,781 --> 00:59:39,826
and then my granddad is gonna see it,
and it's like, I don't...
1015
00:59:40,868 --> 00:59:44,998
I don't want that for them. I'll be fine,
but they're gonna have an awkward time.
1016
00:59:45,498 --> 00:59:47,082
I'm considerate like that, uh...
1017
00:59:47,083 --> 00:59:49,543
So I open the web browser,
look at his history,
1018
00:59:49,544 --> 00:59:51,337
and way to go, Dad, no porn.
1019
00:59:52,046 --> 00:59:56,258
What a clean-cut guy. No porn.
He only went on the internet twice a day.
1020
00:59:56,259 --> 00:59:59,970
Like clockwork. 6:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m.
Like the farmer that he was.
1021
00:59:59,971 --> 01:00:03,640
And every time he went on the internet,
he'd only go to two websites each time.
1022
01:00:03,641 --> 01:00:06,977
So, the first website he'd go to
was a local news website,
1023
01:00:06,978 --> 01:00:10,814
and the second website he'd go to
twice a day, every single day,
1024
01:00:10,815 --> 01:00:12,649
was my Twitter page.
1025
01:00:12,650 --> 01:00:13,567
Aw...
1026
01:00:13,568 --> 01:00:17,780
So, he'd be reloading my Twitter page
twice a day just to see what I was doing.
1027
01:00:18,573 --> 01:00:21,241
And I post stuff like,
"Hey, Honolulu, Hawaii,
1028
01:00:21,242 --> 01:00:25,454
I sold out five shows, uh, this week,
why's there so many homeless people here?"
1029
01:00:25,455 --> 01:00:26,789
I'd post stuff like that.
1030
01:00:29,167 --> 01:00:30,335
And, uh...
1031
01:00:31,419 --> 01:00:34,046
he would read that, and then he'd be like...
1032
01:00:34,047 --> 01:00:36,423
I assume, he'd be like,
"Oh, Ronny's doing okay."
1033
01:00:36,424 --> 01:00:38,842
"He's in Hawaii, he sold out some shows,
1034
01:00:38,843 --> 01:00:41,638
and oh, I guess there's a lot
of homeless people in Hawaii."
1035
01:00:42,221 --> 01:00:46,850
Uh, and, um, that was his quiet way
of keeping up with me.
1036
01:00:46,851 --> 01:00:47,934
He never told me that,
1037
01:00:47,935 --> 01:00:50,520
and I never knew that,
and we never discussed it,
1038
01:00:50,521 --> 01:00:52,898
um, which is a very nice sentiment.
1039
01:00:52,899 --> 01:00:56,152
Unfortunately, uh, as best as I can tell,
1040
01:00:56,861 --> 01:00:59,781
this is the last tweet
my dad read of mine.
1041
01:01:16,923 --> 01:01:18,633
So, as best as I can tell,
1042
01:01:19,300 --> 01:01:20,926
forensically,
1043
01:01:20,927 --> 01:01:24,097
based on internet browsing timestamps,
1044
01:01:25,515 --> 01:01:27,891
the last tweet my dad read of mine,
1045
01:01:27,892 --> 01:01:30,770
and quite possibly,
the last thing he ever read
1046
01:01:32,313 --> 01:01:34,440
before he died on his farm,
1047
01:01:35,942 --> 01:01:37,859
was me posting on Twitter,
1048
01:01:37,860 --> 01:01:42,490
"If you're a baby boomer on Twitter,
I already know you're a fucking loser."
1049
01:01:51,791 --> 01:01:54,377
Now, obviously,
this was not directed towards him.
1050
01:01:56,087 --> 01:01:57,839
I didn't even know he had Twitter.
1051
01:01:58,673 --> 01:02:01,050
I didn't even know
he knew what Twitter was.
1052
01:02:04,804 --> 01:02:06,305
But I stand by the statement.
1053
01:02:15,022 --> 01:02:18,609
And I know that's kind
of a weird way to end the show, but, um...
1054
01:02:21,320 --> 01:02:24,115
...if it's any solace, uh,
this was his phone when he died.
1055
01:02:25,116 --> 01:02:26,992
Aw!
1056
01:02:26,993 --> 01:02:30,871
That was his, uh, wallpaper
and his screensaver.
1057
01:02:30,872 --> 01:02:32,789
And... [chuckles] And I didn't even know.
1058
01:02:32,790 --> 01:02:36,210
And it's a photo
of me and my wife, and we're in Hawaii.
1059
01:02:37,545 --> 01:02:39,045
And I'm wearing two leis
1060
01:02:39,046 --> 01:02:41,340
'cause my mom threw one off
and I put it on.
1061
01:02:44,802 --> 01:02:49,639
And, uh, I didn't know that this was
his screensaver and his wallpaper.
1062
01:02:49,640 --> 01:02:51,058
Uh, and...
1063
01:02:56,814 --> 01:02:58,149
Uh...
1064
01:02:59,066 --> 01:03:00,484
I-- I like to...
1065
01:03:00,485 --> 01:03:05,113
I like to think that, uh, that is
the last image he saw of me.
1066
01:03:05,114 --> 01:03:07,407
That's what he remembered me by
when he left.
1067
01:03:07,408 --> 01:03:10,368
And, uh, I also would
like to tell my sister,
1068
01:03:10,369 --> 01:03:14,123
I won! It was me!
1069
01:03:14,749 --> 01:03:15,582
It was me!
1070
01:03:15,583 --> 01:03:18,336
You guys have been great.
Thanks for coming out, Honolulu.