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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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-[crowd cheering]
-[hip-hop beat playing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[cheering continues]

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-Thank you, guys.
-[music fades]

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I… Thank you.

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I just asked my husband if I looked okay,
and he goes,

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"You look good. You look good."

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[laughter]

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"They did a good job with the makeup."

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They did a good job with the makeup.

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Like, that will haunt me
for years to come.

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That's what you say at a wake.
"They did a good job with the makeup."

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"Your grandmother, she looked good
in her favorite dress."

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"She did. She looked like herself."

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He can't compliment. Like, he tries to,
but he's just worthless at it, like…

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[laughs]

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On our wedding day,
I was walking down the aisle, and he goes,

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"Bringing it!"

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I'm like, "That's not gonna suffice."

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"Bringing it"? That's what you say
to a running back.

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[laughter]

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Even his nickname for me is, like…
It's a problem.

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He's like, "Nah, you're overthinking it.
It's a positive nickname."

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He calls me Big Guy.

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[laughter]

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And then he acts like
I'm being strange about this.

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He's like, "Ah, get out of your head.
You're a fun person. C'mon, you…

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you Big Guy!"

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[laughter]

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He keeps re-pitching it to me.

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I'm like, "No woman
wants to be called Big Guy."

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That's what you call,
like, a union trucker.

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[laughter]

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Every night, when I walk in the door,
I'll open the door and he goes,

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"Is that Big Guy?"

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[laughter]

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And he always says it in that voice too.

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Like it's just anyone's guess
who it could be.

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I'm like, "Of course it's Big Guy.
Who the fuck else is it gonna be?"

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"It's clearly me, Big Guy."

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I actually told this whole story on stage
the other night in front of my husband,

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and it was so satisfying.

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I get offstage. I walk right over.

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I'm like, "Well, did you listen
to their reaction?

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He goes, "Yeah, they fuckin' loved it!"

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[laughter]

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I'm like, "No, they're laughing at you.
It's at you."

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He's like, "I don't know, Big Guy.
They thought it was solid!"

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"Got a nice pop right there!"

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It's not his fault though.
He's a fireman. Um…

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-[whooping]
-You know… Thank you. Yes.

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[cheering and applause]

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Thanks, you guys.

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[clapping continues]

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Yeah, they asked my daughter
at her preschool,

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they asked her what
her mommy and daddy did, and she said,

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"My daddy's a hero,
and my mommy's sarcastic."

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[laughter]

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[cheering]

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-She said this.
-[cheering continues]

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She said that.

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No, they… They're good guys, they are.
Thank you, guys.

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They just… You run a little dumb.

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-Um, it's the…
-[laughter]

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No.

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Emotionally dumb.
It's the right kind of dumb for that job.

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You know, like, the guy
that's running into burning buildings

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isn't also wondering how your day went.

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-It's not…
-[laughter]

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You're not supposed to have,
like, man sleepovers

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for half your life like that.

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That's not a good idea.

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Imagine if your husband
was just spending the night

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with, like, 12 of his dumbest friends
for half his life.

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Like, they're not coming up with
better ideas together.

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Like, these guys undo
everything I've accomplished with him.

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He'll come home from the firehouse
so much dumber, it's an emergency. Like…

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[laughter]

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He comes home
with, like, conspiracy theories.

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He'll be like, "Vinny says, legit,
they never even went to the moon."

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I'm like, "Don't believe anything…
Vinny has ever said."

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"He's a deep, deep moron
with no information."

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Here's the thing. The firehouse
is always gonna be their first family.

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You know, like,
they come first, these guys.

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I'm like a side piece
to these men, you know? Like…

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But I don't get,
like, side-piece perks, you know?

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Like, I don't get,
like, a studio or anything. [laughs]

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-[laughter]
-[Rachel laughs]

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I call the firehouse, he's like,

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"I thought I told you
not to call here anymore, all right?"

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I'm like, "I was just thinking about ya.
It's Christmas. That's all." [giggles]

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[laughter]

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[whooping]

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'Cause your type
is just your type, you know?

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Like, you can't change your type.

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I like a thick-necked,
ignorant-looking man. That's what I like.

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[laughter]

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I like a guy who looks like he'd say,
"Follow the money,"

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when talking about how the Earth is flat.

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I like a flat-earther. I do.

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I like a dusty, working-class alcoholic
that does his own research.

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It's what works for me.

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Like, it's everything opposite
of what I come from.

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My dad's name is Howie,
and he has a never-ending sinus infection.

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[laughter]

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Like, my mom is, like,
aggressively liberal.

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She would have preferred
if I married, like,

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a genderless Kenyan composter…

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[laughter]

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…than an Irish-Catholic fireman.

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Like, she was praying one of us was gay.

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She was sitting in the kitchen, like,

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"There's cocoa if anyone feels gay
and wants to talk about it."

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[laughter]

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My mom's a lot, even physically.

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She's always wearing
some sort of long, like, menopausal cape.

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-Just some kind of…
-[laughter]

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…Navajo smock.

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She wears a hostile amount of turquoise.
It's aggressive.

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And then she acts surprised
if anybody notices

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one of the insane things she…
these plaque-size brooches she's wearing.

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She'll be like, "Oh! I forgot about this.
Isn't that fun? Hmm."

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[laughter]

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"This is from Yosemite."

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I'm like, "It's a Navajo graveyard
covering your entire left tit."

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[laughter]

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She also loves a fresh,
sort of, sickness to report.

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I don't know
if anybody's parent does this,

130
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but my mom loves to, kind of, update me
about some sort of dark information

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about somebody I don't remember
in the first place.

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She'll be like, "Do you remember, uh,
Taron Petermeyer?"

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[laughter]

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I'm like, "That's no one's name.
I don't believe in that name."

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"You know what I think?
I think you've made this person up

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so that you can tell me
that he's, like, throbbing with AIDS."

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That's a medical diagnosis, you guys.
"Throbbing with AIDS."

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Yeah, 'cause it's never positive news.
She's never like, "Well, guess what?"

139
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"He's getting a lot of pussy,
and he went to Harvard." No.

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[laughter]

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It's never good.
She's like, "Well, he's got COVID-19."

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I'm like, "No one says the 19 anymore
except my mom."

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And god forbid you even allude to the fact
that somebody might be okay.

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Oh, she doesn't care for that one bit.

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I'm like, "I'm sure he'll be fine."

146
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She'll be like, "I don't think so.
He's immunocompromised."

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She's very aroused
by the term "immunocompromised."

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She does a shimmy when she says that.

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She just blasts herself
to the term "immunocompromised" every…

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[laughter]

151
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She told me not to say that tonight.

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[laughter]

153
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She was like, "Do not tell the audience

154
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that I blast myself
to 'immunocompromised,'

155
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Rachel Louise."

156
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She hates that joke. She's like,

157
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"Take that one
out of your talent show, please."

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[laughter]

159
00:07:33,494 --> 00:07:35,329
That's what she calls my stand-up.

160
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My mom never watches anything I do.

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Not 'cause they're not proud of me,
my parents.

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They just can't find it
unless it's on at, like, 6:00 p.m. on CBS.

163
00:07:42,753 --> 00:07:44,755
[laughter]

164
00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:48,593
I tried to explain to my parents
that I had done something on Netflix.

165
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It was one of the worst conversations
I've ever had.

166
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My mom and dad both got on the phone,
and my mom was like,

167
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"We tried to view your Netflix program."

168
00:07:58,352 --> 00:08:00,730
[laughter]

169
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I'm like, "Do you know how exhausting
that just was to listen to?"

170
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My dad's like,
"But it turns out it was a scam."

171
00:08:08,279 --> 00:08:10,281
[laughter]

172
00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:16,245
How did the largest streaming service ever
personally scam Howie and Karen Feinstein?

173
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My mom goes,
"We tried to do it correctly."

174
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:23,336
"We mailed the DVD to Netflix."

175
00:08:23,419 --> 00:08:26,589
"We mailed the DVD to Netflix"?

176
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:30,676
What the fuck did Netflix receive
at headquarters from my parents?

177
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,553
[laughter]

178
00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:34,931
I think my mom mailed,
like, Shawshank Redemption,

179
00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:37,391
thinking that she could watch
my special that way.

180
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:41,437
Yeah, my mom was, like, so upset
when she found out what Karen means

181
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,439
'cause her name's Karen Feinstein.

182
00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:47,276
She's, like, the most liberal Karen.
She was furious.

183
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,613
She kept yelling at me about it.
She's like, "You knew! You knew!"

184
00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:52,198
[laughter]

185
00:08:52,281 --> 00:08:55,701
"You probably had a whole skit about this
in your talent show."

186
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,662
[laughter]

187
00:08:58,162 --> 00:09:01,749
She's like, "I can't believe this crap
because you know where I stand."

188
00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:03,125
[chuckles]

189
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:06,671
She goes, "I have been on the front lines
of fighting racism."

190
00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:09,799
-The "front lines."
-[laughter]

191
00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:12,343
That's a big swing.

192
00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:15,555
I'm like, "Mom, uh,
what's it like up there…"

193
00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:17,223
[laughter]

194
00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:21,936
"…on the front lines of fighting racism
between your throw pillows from Pier 1?"

195
00:09:22,019 --> 00:09:23,854
[laughter]

196
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:27,775
She's like, "Well, it's not flippin' easy,
Rachel Louise."

197
00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:30,987
"And what I try to do now is
if I see a person of color,

198
00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:32,488
or anyone that's marginalized…"

199
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:35,283
She's also very aroused
by the word "marginalized."

200
00:09:35,783 --> 00:09:38,452
If you think she blasts herself
to "immunocompromised,"

201
00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:39,870
well, just forget it.

202
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:43,666
She would let the word "marginalized"
run a train on her.

203
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,918
All right, I can't say that.
I can't say that!

204
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:50,506
Who would let the word "marginalized"
run a train on them? [chuckles]

205
00:09:52,508 --> 00:09:55,344
But yeah, she, she was so upset
that her name was Karen.

206
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,221
She goes, "You know what I do now

207
00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:59,473
when I see any marginalized persons?"

208
00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:03,686
"I just let 'em know right away
what side of this road I roll on."

209
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:06,564
I'm like, "How in the fuck
is that happening?"

210
00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:08,274
[laughter]

211
00:10:08,357 --> 00:10:11,861
I'm like, "What in God's name
are you saying to strangers?"

212
00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:15,448
She goes, "I do it very tastefully."

213
00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:18,576
"I need people to know I'm an ally."

214
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:21,871
"I just say, 'I see you…'"

215
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:23,914
[laughter]

216
00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:26,250
"'…I honor you,

217
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:30,171
I celebrate you,

218
00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:32,089
and I fight alongside you,

219
00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:34,550
so let's start us a frickin' war.'"

220
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:37,011
-What the fuck?
-[laughter]

221
00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:41,182
Do you understand that my mom
is just loose doing this?

222
00:10:41,265 --> 00:10:42,600
Just going rogue.

223
00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:46,729
Can you imagine, some lady is trying
to get, like, a latte at Starbucks,

224
00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:49,273
and my mom just comes,
like, smocking towards her?

225
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:50,691
[laughter]

226
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:53,152
Some sort of insane Iroquois cloak.

227
00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:54,945
[laughter]

228
00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:57,531
Like, a jazzercise lunge at her,
and she's like,

229
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,075
"I see you…"

230
00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:00,660
[laughter]

231
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,495
"…I honor you…"

232
00:11:02,578 --> 00:11:04,955
This woman's like,
"Who is this white bitch?"

233
00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:06,540
[laughter]

234
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:08,084
My mom's like, "Don't worry."

235
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:11,295
"I'm on the front lines
of fighting racism."

236
00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:14,674
"I saw Selma twice in the theaters."

237
00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:17,134
-"I'm an ally."
-[laughter]

238
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:19,387
My husband's family. Complete opposite.

239
00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:23,933
They all wear, like, FDNY T-shirts
tucked into FDNY sweatpants.

240
00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:27,478
[laughter, scattered applause]

241
00:11:27,561 --> 00:11:30,690
And just guard
their own properties all day. Like…

242
00:11:31,565 --> 00:11:34,860
They just wait on their lawns
for intruders.

243
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:36,654
[laughter]

244
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:38,739
And they want them to come.

245
00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:40,908
[laughter]

246
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:43,661
Their world view's just like,
"The government is on their way over

247
00:11:43,744 --> 00:11:47,248
to your fuckin' house
to take your shit, all right?"

248
00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:50,334
"So fuckin' buy crypto. Wise up."

249
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:52,169
[laughter]

250
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:55,089
See? Firemen love crypto.
They're obsessed.

251
00:11:56,507 --> 00:12:00,136
They love crypto and "cash."
That's how they pronounce it, "caysh."

252
00:12:01,011 --> 00:12:02,054
And nothing in between.

253
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:05,641
They only trust the most visible
and invisible forms of money.

254
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,435
[laughter]

255
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:10,563
And my husband sells Bitcoin
to all these men,

256
00:12:10,646 --> 00:12:13,524
and they just come by our house all day
to buy it from him.

257
00:12:13,607 --> 00:12:15,401
I'm like, "I thought
the whole point of Bitcoin

258
00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:18,320
was that Dino
does not need to roll through here…

259
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,197
[laughter]

260
00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:22,950
…and purchase it from you in "caysh."

261
00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:27,705
As he's buying Bitcoin from my husband,
he looks at me, and he goes,

262
00:12:27,788 --> 00:12:31,375
"This right here, this little transaction
that your husband and I are having…"

263
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:34,754
He's like, "This is what the government
doesn't want me to be doing right now."

264
00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:36,797
[laughter]

265
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:40,718
I'm like, "Somehow I think the government
might not be that concerned

266
00:12:40,801 --> 00:12:44,263
about your afternoon
in your Champion sweatpants."

267
00:12:44,346 --> 00:12:46,098
[laughter]

268
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:49,852
He's like, "The government's not supposed
to have nothin' to do with your paycheck."

269
00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:52,146
He likes to explain things to me.
"Listen up, sugar-tits."

270
00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:53,564
"Let me tell you how life works."

271
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,441
[laughter]

272
00:12:55,941 --> 00:12:58,736
"The government's not supposed
to have nothin' to do with your paycheck."

273
00:12:58,819 --> 00:13:02,531
"Totally against the law, you know?
It was in the original Constitution."

274
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,451
-I'm like, "Is there a sequel to that?"
-[laughter]

275
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:08,788
He's like, "They're not allowed
nothin' to do with your paycheck."

276
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,873
I'm like, "You're a government worker!"

277
00:13:10,956 --> 00:13:12,750
[laughter]

278
00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:14,835
"They pay your paycheck."

279
00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:17,421
He's like, "That's what
they want you to think."

280
00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:19,256
[laughter]

281
00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:23,427
"Wouldn't it be nice to be a sheep?
Baa, baa, baa."

282
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:26,013
[laughter]

283
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:27,973
But this is… [chuckles]

284
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:30,935
This is my life now that I'm a fire-wife.

285
00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:34,230
That's not a term, and they probably
told me to stop saying that.

286
00:13:35,272 --> 00:13:37,274
"Badge-banger." I prefer that. I…

287
00:13:37,358 --> 00:13:38,567
[laughter]

288
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:41,946
I identify as a badge-banger
or a fire-twat, and I have to… [chuckles]

289
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:43,197
[laughter]

290
00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:47,660
"Siren-slut" is really the literary term
that we're supposed to be using.

291
00:13:48,619 --> 00:13:52,748
But I have to go to these, like, FDNY,
like, Staten Island dinner dances.

292
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:56,085
You know, all the women are named Gina.
There's just, like, a sea of Ginas.

293
00:13:56,168 --> 00:14:01,298
Just, like, rows of greased racks
and, like, shimmering crucifixes.

294
00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:02,883
[laughter]

295
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:06,929
And the men, like, they all, like, kinda,
they sort of interact in the same way.

296
00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:09,557
Like, just these thick-fingered guys
greeting each other.

297
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,642
It's confusing. You know, just…
It's terrifying.

298
00:14:11,725 --> 00:14:14,103
"How's it going?
Everybody's good? Things are good, huh?"

299
00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:16,188
[laughter]

300
00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:19,400
"Everybody safe?"
It's always about safety.

301
00:14:19,483 --> 00:14:24,196
I'm like, "Is there a looming threat
that I'm not aware of?"

302
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:27,616
"Good to hear it, you know?
Beautiful thing right there, huh?"

303
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,201
"How's the family?"

304
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,287
But it feels like a threat,
somehow. It does.

305
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:32,371
[laughter]

306
00:14:32,454 --> 00:14:33,873
"How's the family? Family's good?"

307
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:35,791
"Beautiful thing right there, huh?"

308
00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:38,460
"End of the day, it's about family.
Am I right?"

309
00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:41,255
I'm like, "Are we about to get offed
on The Sopranos?"

310
00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:45,009
They always sound like
they're about to admit something

311
00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:47,428
they can't hold in much longer.

312
00:14:47,511 --> 00:14:50,306
Like, the way they congratulated me
when I had a baby was chilling.

313
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:53,559
"It's a beautiful thing, sweetheart.
That's new life right there, okay?"

314
00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:55,644
[laughter]

315
00:14:57,104 --> 00:14:59,273
[chuckles] "That is new life.
Keep it safe, you know?"

316
00:14:59,356 --> 00:15:01,317
"Really keep it safe, okay?"

317
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:04,695
"Goes by real fast, you know?
Days are long and the years are short."

318
00:15:04,778 --> 00:15:06,655
"I killed my first wife, Diane."
I'm like…

319
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:08,741
[laughter]

320
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:12,661
I'm like, "I don't think you meant to say
that last part out loud, Dino."

321
00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:16,373
So we have a house
that my husband bought with Bitcoin.

322
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,042
This is just true. I don't have a joke.

323
00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:19,752
It's just the tr… actual truth.

324
00:15:19,835 --> 00:15:22,796
So, uh, we have this Bitcoin house,
and everything keeps breaking,

325
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,549
and then anybody that fixes anything
in our fuckin' house is a fireman

326
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:29,178
'cause God forbid we get an actual plumber
to fix the plumbing.

327
00:15:29,261 --> 00:15:31,180
He's like, "Yeah,
Anthony's gonna fix the toilet."

328
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:32,514
"I got a good feeling about it."

329
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,350
I'm like, "That's a terrible sentence."

330
00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:36,185
[laughter]

331
00:15:36,685 --> 00:15:39,772
He's like, "Nah. I think he's gonna
do a good job with the toilet."

332
00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:44,068
I'm like, "He has a diagram of a toilet
next to the toilet while he's fixing it."

333
00:15:44,151 --> 00:15:46,362
"That's not a sign to you at all?"

334
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,448
Like, I… Our lights are flickering.
I thought we had a ghost.

335
00:15:49,531 --> 00:15:53,202
My friend's like, "No, it's just 'cause
the fireman's doing your electricity."

336
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:57,331
"He's a lieutenant, actually.
He's not an electrician at all."

337
00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:01,043
One day, I was just sitting at home.
There's a knock at the door. I open it.

338
00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:03,796
And this fireman's standing there.
I'm like, "For Christ's sake."

339
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,299
I'm like, "Listen, your captain
just blew up the bathroom."

340
00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,134
"I don't know if you wanna have at it."

341
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:10,719
He goes, he actually said this to me,

342
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,179
"I do not enter the home

343
00:16:12,262 --> 00:16:15,307
unless the husband is present
at the time of the entrance."

344
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:17,393
[laughter]

345
00:16:18,018 --> 00:16:20,896
Have you heard a dumber sentence
in your entire life?

346
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,356
[laughter]

347
00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:23,440
He's like, "I don't."

348
00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:25,567
"I don't enter the home
unless the husband is present

349
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:26,902
at the time of the entrance."

350
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,363
I'm like,
"Get the fuck downstairs, all right?"

351
00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:32,908
I'll tell you what. First assault's on me.
I'll eat it, okay?

352
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,702
[laughter]

353
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:37,746
Like, that sentence
just sounds suspicious.

354
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,624
Like, that sounds like something
you rehearse with a parole officer.

355
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:42,251
[laughter]

356
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:44,628
It's like, you know, firemen,
they all have two jobs.

357
00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:47,923
I always felt bad for them. I was like,
"It's fucked up. They don't make enough."

358
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,676
My friend's like, "No!
They don't wanna go home to you." [laughs]

359
00:16:50,759 --> 00:16:53,095
[laughter]

360
00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:56,598
She's like, "They're all traumatized,
but they don't deal with their emotions,

361
00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:58,350
and they don't wanna go fuckin' home."

362
00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:01,437
Which is true.
My husband will deny he has emotions.

363
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,063
We were arguing about something once,

364
00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:05,357
and he goes, "You know,
I've never really had any issues."

365
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:08,610
I was like, "I've never heard a person
claim this. It's completely wild."

366
00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:10,529
And he just breezed past that.

367
00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:12,406
I'm like, "For the record,
you're gonna state

368
00:17:12,489 --> 00:17:14,199
you've never had an issue with anything."

369
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:16,535
He goes, "Nah.
I've never had that, you know?"

370
00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:18,037
[laughter]

371
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:21,206
He goes, "A lot of my friends had 'em."
Like it was the chicken pox or something.

372
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:22,374
[laughter]

373
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:25,669
He's like, "I never had issues.
It was always a straight shot for me."

374
00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:27,713
I'm like, "Really?
You just punched the microwave."

375
00:17:27,796 --> 00:17:29,423
"I'm not sure if you're aware of that."

376
00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:31,467
[laughter]

377
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:33,469
[Rachel chuckles] Well…

378
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:36,180
What I'll do now is, if I wanna express
something to my husband,

379
00:17:36,263 --> 00:17:38,515
I can't, like, say it directly,
'cause he gets freaked out.

380
00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,809
You know, if I'm like,
"Hey, can we talk for a second?"

381
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:43,687
He's like, "No! I'm not goin' over there.
I'm not doin' that!"

382
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:46,648
Shakes like a bitch
about a gentle discussion

383
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,067
of feelings with a woman on a bed.

384
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,903
Meanwhile, if there was a roaring fire
on that same bed,

385
00:17:50,986 --> 00:17:52,821
he would hurl
his dumb, naked body into it.

386
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,198
-Dick first.
-[laughter]

387
00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:56,033
No questions asked.

388
00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:59,161
So what I do now is,
if I need to express something to him,

389
00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:02,664
I just start, like, a British novel
about how I'm feeling instead.

390
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,917
Whenever he pisses me off,
I'm like, "She knew then

391
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,710
that she was alone in this marriage."

392
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,545
[laughter]

393
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:12,132
"There was a bird in the yard
that she felt closer to somehow

394
00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:13,634
than her own husband."

395
00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:15,344
And it, like, strangely works.

396
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:18,305
He's like, "Ah, c'mere, babe.
Fuck that finch. I'll do better."

397
00:18:18,388 --> 00:18:20,724
[laughter]

398
00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:23,102
It's very effective, the British noveling.

399
00:18:23,727 --> 00:18:25,104
Yeah, they all have second jobs.

400
00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:27,022
A lot of firemen are DJs.

401
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,273
[laughter]

402
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,109
I know. Isn't that hilarious?

403
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:34,404
I… It… It does make you laugh just immedi…
just the fact that that is true, yeah.

404
00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:38,033
I just wonder what that would feel like
to have the most respected job

405
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,660
and the least respected job…

406
00:18:39,743 --> 00:18:41,078
[laughter]

407
00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:42,788
…at the same exact time.

408
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:43,997
[laughter]

409
00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:46,375
[cheering]

410
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:48,127
[Rachel chuckles]

411
00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:52,214
That's like being, like, a hand model
and an astronaut.

412
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:54,299
[laughter]

413
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:58,846
My husband's second job is, uh…
He's a notary public. [chuckles]

414
00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,140
[laughter]

415
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:04,101
So I always try to… I always try
to work that into our dirty talk

416
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:05,644
'cause I am an asshole, so…

417
00:19:05,727 --> 00:19:07,896
-[laughter]
-'Cause I am a deep moron.

418
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,023
So, uh, whenever we start to have sex,
I'll be like,

419
00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:12,693
"You know, the fireman thing
doesn't really do it for me."

420
00:19:12,776 --> 00:19:15,904
"If we could kind of
lean into the notary plot tonight."

421
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,573
[laughter]

422
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:21,451
I'm like, "Are you gonna punish me
with your fat, hard stamp?"

423
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:23,412
[laughter]

424
00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:25,414
"Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Fuck yeah!"

425
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,249
-[chuckles]
-[laughter]

426
00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:28,876
"Much like you punished Rosemary

427
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:31,920
when you helped her to finalize her will
in the library."

428
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,380
[laughter]

429
00:19:33,463 --> 00:19:35,924
"She's a little slut. Oh yeah. Oh yeah."

430
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:38,927
He's like, "None of this is working for me
on any level."

431
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,345
I'm like, "That's fair feedback."

432
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:43,849
Yeah, I like to joke
immediately after sex.

433
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:45,392
Like, right after it's done.

434
00:19:45,475 --> 00:19:47,060
Right after he comes, I like to be like,

435
00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:49,438
"That's not the amount we've agreed upon."

436
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:51,523
[laughter]

437
00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:58,822
"You told me when you bought me
from my father for an elder goat

438
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:01,992
that you'd put no more
than three ounces of semen upon me."

439
00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:03,827
[laughter]

440
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:06,538
"And now look at me layin' here
all covered in sin."

441
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,498
[laughter]

442
00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:10,834
He's left the room
at this point, you guys. He's…

443
00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:13,754
He's got his uniform on.
He's back at the firehouse.

444
00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:15,088
[laughter]

445
00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:18,717
So when he comes home from the firehouse,
I'm always in trouble with my husband.

446
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,844
'Cause he's, like, OCD, you know?

447
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:25,057
And I'm ADD, so I just wake up with, like,
some sort of food smear on my forehead.

448
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:26,308
-And, uh…
-[laughter]

449
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:28,727
When he comes back from the firehouse,
I know I'm in trouble.

450
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,896
Like, I don't know what for yet, but he's…

451
00:20:30,979 --> 00:20:33,065
He's just really, like, anal neat.
So every morning…

452
00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:36,068
And he's used to being the boss
'cause he's the captain of this firehouse.

453
00:20:36,151 --> 00:20:40,155
So he just, like, walks around our house
and makes me answer for my messes.

454
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,032
He'll be like, "C'mere.
Talk to me about this."

455
00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:45,410
-"What was this over here?"
-[laughter]

456
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:49,539
And then he waits, like I'm gonna
write up an incident report or something.

457
00:20:50,457 --> 00:20:53,210
He's like, "It looks like you brought
some dishes over to the sink area,

458
00:20:53,293 --> 00:20:54,753
but you never really…" [chuckles]

459
00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:56,964
"…you never did rinse
and put 'em into the dishwasher."

460
00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:59,258
I'm like, "This is not Forensic Files."

461
00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:01,218
Like, fuck off, please.

462
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:04,137
No one's gonna bag this scene up
and take it to a lab.

463
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:08,267
And he, like, he loves, uh, activities.
I hate activities.

464
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:10,727
Like, I just wanna kind of lay
in a dim room and snack really.

465
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:13,105
I just wanna do
some, like, feeding in darkness.

466
00:21:13,188 --> 00:21:14,648
[laughter]

467
00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:16,942
We were quarantined together.
I was pregnant.

468
00:21:17,025 --> 00:21:18,777
My husband, again,
doesn't deal with emotions,

469
00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:21,238
so he's just walking around,
just this thick-fingered guy.

470
00:21:21,738 --> 00:21:23,156
You know, he goes, "You know what?"

471
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,075
He said, "We could make
the best of this thing."

472
00:21:25,158 --> 00:21:28,328
I'm like, "Whatever you're about to say
is already infuriating me."

473
00:21:28,412 --> 00:21:31,873
-[laughter]
-He's like, "You know what we should do?"

474
00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:34,835
"We should do, like, a puzzle night, huh?
That'd be good."

475
00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:38,588
"We could both start a puzzle
at the same exact time,

476
00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:40,882
and then we could see
who could finish first." [chuckles]

477
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,636
I'm like, "I would rather
have a hysterectomy…"

478
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,263
[laughter]

479
00:21:46,346 --> 00:21:49,683
"…than do some sort of puzzle-off
to get through this shit with you."

480
00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:52,936
Yeah, he turns everything
into a competition. Even his books. Like…

481
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,563
The titles are, like, alarming.

482
00:21:54,646 --> 00:21:56,690
They're like,
How to Get to the Top of Every Mountain.

483
00:21:56,773 --> 00:21:58,567
I'm like, "What's he trying to do?"

484
00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:01,194
Like, How to Manipulate People at Parties.

485
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:03,280
[laughter]

486
00:22:04,364 --> 00:22:07,200
My books are like
Second to Last Is Fine, That Works.

487
00:22:07,284 --> 00:22:08,660
[laughter]

488
00:22:09,244 --> 00:22:10,662
Don't Wake Me Up Before Eleven.

489
00:22:10,746 --> 00:22:12,914
I think it was Emily Dickinson
that first wrote that.

490
00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:14,041
[laughter]

491
00:22:14,124 --> 00:22:17,377
One morning, I just walk into the kitchen.
My husband's just pacing. Just backed up.

492
00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:20,797
I'm like, "Everything okay?" And he goes,
"Yeah, one question for ya. One question."

493
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:24,509
"I got one question for ya." I'm like,
"I'm sure it's gonna be a fun one."

494
00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:25,927
[laughter]

495
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:29,264
He goes, "Why are there, uh,
why are there three open seltzers?"

496
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:31,350
[laughter]

497
00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:35,937
I'm like,

498
00:22:36,980 --> 00:22:39,149
"Isn't the greater mystery here,

499
00:22:39,232 --> 00:22:43,320
uh, why you could give a fuck
why there are three open seltzers?"

500
00:22:43,403 --> 00:22:44,321
"Like, who hurt you?"

501
00:22:44,404 --> 00:22:46,239
"Let's just figure it out right now,

502
00:22:47,157 --> 00:22:50,077
that you need to control seltzers
to this chilling degree."

503
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,661
"What happened to you?"

504
00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:54,456
He's like, "I'm just sayin',
I'd love to hear the story behind it."

505
00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:57,918
"That's all I'm asking for.
Just like to hear the story behind it."

506
00:22:58,001 --> 00:23:00,253
I'm like, "It's not gonna be a good tale."

507
00:23:01,004 --> 00:23:04,257
It's not like I'm gonna be like,
"Oh, well, there was blow and hookers,

508
00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:06,676
and then the next thing you know,

509
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,512
three open LaCroixs."

510
00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:10,847
[laughter]

511
00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:12,641
I'm like, "You like puzzles.
Figure it out."

512
00:23:12,724 --> 00:23:15,143
-"Get to the bottom of this one."
-[laughter]

513
00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:17,145
-[applause]
-He'll… [chuckles]

514
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:19,231
[cheering]

515
00:23:22,484 --> 00:23:24,653
He'll even blame me
for stuff my toddler does.

516
00:23:24,736 --> 00:23:27,864
He'll be like, "Did you smear
peanut butter up and down the banister?"

517
00:23:28,490 --> 00:23:31,326
I'm like, "No, I did not put peanut butter
on a banister."

518
00:23:31,827 --> 00:23:34,996
"I'm, like, 90% sure I didn't, all right?"

519
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:36,498
[laughter]

520
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:39,126
I didn't realize this.
I don't know if anybody has a small child.

521
00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:41,795
If you have a two or three-year-old,
here's what happens. They just…

522
00:23:41,878 --> 00:23:44,631
They'll just turn out a room.
They just trash rooms, like, frantically.

523
00:23:44,714 --> 00:23:47,300
Like, my daughter'll just trash a room
like she's looking for coke.

524
00:23:47,384 --> 00:23:49,636
-Like she has 24 hours…
-[laughter]

525
00:23:49,719 --> 00:23:51,179
It's terrifying.

526
00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:53,098
Like she has 24 hours to leave the country

527
00:23:53,181 --> 00:23:55,684
before a drug dealer
shoots her in the face.

528
00:23:56,685 --> 00:23:59,229
She just looks at us like,
"This is bigger than you!"

529
00:23:59,312 --> 00:24:00,355
[laughter]

530
00:24:01,815 --> 00:24:04,526
"The Albanians will paint the walls
with our blood!"

531
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:06,611
[laughter]

532
00:24:07,696 --> 00:24:09,906
And my daughter, like,
she has no respect for me.

533
00:24:09,990 --> 00:24:12,951
She can tell I'm not an authority figure.
She does not listen to me at all.

534
00:24:13,034 --> 00:24:15,662
My husband, anything he says,
she just listens, obeys.

535
00:24:15,745 --> 00:24:18,999
Me, she just looks at me like, "I'm not
worried about you. You're not a problem."

536
00:24:19,082 --> 00:24:22,252
"I've seen your hand-job jokes on YouTube.
You're not in charge here."

537
00:24:22,335 --> 00:24:23,962
I'm like, "That's fair."

538
00:24:24,838 --> 00:24:25,755
No respect for me.

539
00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:27,466
She calls me "sweetie," first of all.

540
00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:30,552
She… My three-year-old calls me "sweetie."

541
00:24:30,635 --> 00:24:31,678
[laughter]

542
00:24:31,761 --> 00:24:34,014
I'll be like,
"It's night-night time, Frankie."

543
00:24:34,097 --> 00:24:36,016
And she goes, "Oh, go ahead, sweetie.
Not now."

544
00:24:36,099 --> 00:24:38,602
-I'm like…
-[laughter]

545
00:24:38,685 --> 00:24:41,521
"Don't talk to me
like you're an older waitress at a diner."

546
00:24:42,439 --> 00:24:44,191
"I just wiped your ass."

547
00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:47,235
Yeah, I go, "Mommy's going to work."

548
00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:49,654
She's like, "Is it work?"
I'm like, "You know what, bitch?"

549
00:24:49,738 --> 00:24:50,989
[laughter]

550
00:24:52,741 --> 00:24:54,743
"Pays for your sippy cups."

551
00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,456
And my daughter speaks Spanish fluently.

552
00:24:59,539 --> 00:25:01,791
But neither of us speak any Spanish.

553
00:25:01,875 --> 00:25:03,168
[laughter]

554
00:25:03,251 --> 00:25:05,253
Which is just simply not a good idea.

555
00:25:06,254 --> 00:25:08,757
But my mother-in-law's Colombian,
so she talks to her in Spanish,

556
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,176
and now my daughter
has, like, Spanish demands all day,

557
00:25:11,259 --> 00:25:13,386
and we don't know what the fuck she wants.

558
00:25:14,429 --> 00:25:15,263
It's terrifying.

559
00:25:15,347 --> 00:25:18,558
We were standing on the front lawn once,
and she points at the sky, and she goes,

560
00:25:18,642 --> 00:25:21,144
"Estrellas, Mamá. ¡Estrellas ahora!"

561
00:25:21,228 --> 00:25:23,313
I'm like, "What the fuck does she want?
Call your mom."

562
00:25:23,396 --> 00:25:24,773
[laughter]

563
00:25:24,856 --> 00:25:27,192
He's like, "My mom says
she wants stars in the sky."

564
00:25:27,275 --> 00:25:30,153
-I'm like, "I can't do that shit."
-[laughter]

565
00:25:30,237 --> 00:25:32,781
My daughter thinks that the sky
is like an iPad,

566
00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:35,325
and I can just play things for her on it.

567
00:25:35,408 --> 00:25:37,577
Like it's Cocomelon or some shit.

568
00:25:37,661 --> 00:25:39,538
And when I can't do it,
she gets disgusted.

569
00:25:39,621 --> 00:25:41,873
She goes, "¡Ay, ay, ay, Mamá!"

570
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,003
Also, what Spanish-speaking person
says "Ay, ay, ay" like that?

571
00:25:47,087 --> 00:25:49,589
It's almost like she's doing
a racist impression

572
00:25:49,673 --> 00:25:51,716
of a Spanish-speaking person.

573
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,427
And here's another thing I didn't realize
if you're a parent.

574
00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:56,179
Uh, you're never alone, ever,

575
00:25:56,263 --> 00:26:00,392
so you just wake up,
and their eyes are just next to your eyes.

576
00:26:01,101 --> 00:26:05,272
And it's haunting, this three-year-old
glaring at you in a long nightgown.

577
00:26:05,355 --> 00:26:07,065
In the dead of night,
I'll just open my eyes,

578
00:26:07,148 --> 00:26:08,525
and my daughter goes, "Oh, hi."

579
00:26:08,608 --> 00:26:10,402
-I'm like, "That's not…"
-[laughter]

580
00:26:10,485 --> 00:26:12,153
"It's definitely not the vibe right now."

581
00:26:12,237 --> 00:26:15,198
She's like, "Hey there," like I bumped
into her at a Target or something.

582
00:26:15,282 --> 00:26:17,576
[laughter]

583
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:22,664
And I'm always in a park now.
Like, I hate parks. I didn't realize this.

584
00:26:22,747 --> 00:26:25,917
When you have a kid, you have to pretend
you love things that you hate.

585
00:26:26,001 --> 00:26:27,502
And I hate playgrounds.

586
00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:29,754
Like whenever I see
a woman pushing a swing,

587
00:26:29,838 --> 00:26:31,339
I assume she needs to be rescued.

588
00:26:31,423 --> 00:26:33,508
-It's such a sad…
-[laughter]

589
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:36,303
…lobotomized activity,
the pushing of a swing.

590
00:26:36,386 --> 00:26:39,139
It always seems like it should be done
in, like, a medical gown.

591
00:26:39,222 --> 00:26:41,099
-Or like a…
-[laughter]

592
00:26:41,182 --> 00:26:43,310
…Handmaid's Tale bonnet or something.

593
00:26:44,269 --> 00:26:47,272
I hate that that's what I'll be doing
when the end of the world finally comes.

594
00:26:47,355 --> 00:26:49,774
-Just pushing a swing, just… [chuckles]
-[laughter]

595
00:26:49,858 --> 00:26:51,985
…staring into the eye
of the last hurricane

596
00:26:52,068 --> 00:26:55,113
like, "Let the sweet waters
take me home to my Lord."

597
00:26:55,196 --> 00:26:56,573
[laughter]

598
00:26:56,656 --> 00:26:59,659
"I knew you'd be here, friend.
It's just like it was in the dream."

599
00:26:59,743 --> 00:27:00,660
[laughter]

600
00:27:02,329 --> 00:27:04,289
And my husband
works out at the playground.

601
00:27:04,372 --> 00:27:05,999
I'm like, "Stop doing that.
It's alarming."

602
00:27:06,082 --> 00:27:08,960
"You can't do, like, prison push-ups
next to a slide."

603
00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:11,671
"You look like an active pedophile.
It's not okay."

604
00:27:11,755 --> 00:27:13,256
[laughter]

605
00:27:13,340 --> 00:27:15,592
I begged him. And not a normal workout.
He's like… [grunts]

606
00:27:15,675 --> 00:27:16,718
Like grunting.

607
00:27:16,801 --> 00:27:18,303
[laughter]

608
00:27:18,386 --> 00:27:20,805
He screams military phrases
when he works out.

609
00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:23,058
He'll be like, "Three sets crushed.
Fire in the hole!"

610
00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:25,143
I'm like, "It's not okay.
None of it's okay."

611
00:27:26,394 --> 00:27:29,606
And I, like, I'm already having
a hard time making, like, mom friends.

612
00:27:29,689 --> 00:27:31,232
But, like, I… Here's the problem.

613
00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:34,027
I always, like, overshare too fast,
you know? Like…

614
00:27:34,110 --> 00:27:35,236
[laughter]

615
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,906
Yeah, and I don't know how to do,
like, parenting small talk.

616
00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:41,493
There are these, sort of, safe subjects
you're supposed to only talk about.

617
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:43,328
They're like,
"Jasper just stopped teething."

618
00:27:43,411 --> 00:27:45,038
"He was in a bad cycle."

619
00:27:45,121 --> 00:27:46,289
And I'm like, "That is tough."

620
00:27:46,373 --> 00:27:49,459
"I guess I've never felt seen
by my father, you know?"

621
00:27:49,542 --> 00:27:51,503
-[laughter]
-[chuckles]

622
00:27:53,046 --> 00:27:55,256
"I knew he loved me,
but I didn't feel seen."

623
00:27:55,340 --> 00:27:56,466
[laughter]

624
00:27:56,549 --> 00:27:58,635
They'll be like,
"Mabel turns three this week."

625
00:27:58,718 --> 00:28:01,221
I'm like, "Do you ever wake up crying,
but you don't know why?"

626
00:28:01,304 --> 00:28:03,348
[laughter]

627
00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:07,727
And also, like, I thought
you could relax at a park.

628
00:28:07,811 --> 00:28:10,563
Like, I thought you could just, you know,
scroll ASOS on your phone.

629
00:28:10,647 --> 00:28:12,232
No. Shit's always happening.

630
00:28:12,816 --> 00:28:15,110
You know, shit goes down.
The kids attack each other.

631
00:28:15,193 --> 00:28:17,070
My instinct is to sort of
egg them on a little,

632
00:28:17,153 --> 00:28:19,114
like a cockfight or something.

633
00:28:19,698 --> 00:28:22,158
They're always running back at you
with demands and stuff.

634
00:28:22,242 --> 00:28:24,160
You have to just keep spraying
and watering them

635
00:28:24,244 --> 00:28:27,330
and, like, shoving them back into the ring
like a boxing coach.

636
00:28:27,414 --> 00:28:29,749
[laughter]

637
00:28:30,583 --> 00:28:33,211
And, like, you know,
this one kid comes up to my kid,

638
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:34,796
and she wants some of her snack.

639
00:28:34,879 --> 00:28:37,382
Now, I was that kid.
Like, I wanted other kids' snacks.

640
00:28:37,465 --> 00:28:39,843
I had entire relationships
based on snacks.

641
00:28:39,926 --> 00:28:43,263
I didn't give a shit about this bitch.
I was there to clean her out, you know?

642
00:28:43,346 --> 00:28:44,973
[laughter]

643
00:28:45,473 --> 00:28:48,518
We had… My mom was a social worker.
We had, like, government cheese.

644
00:28:48,601 --> 00:28:51,020
Like, there was a low-grade depression
to our snacks.

645
00:28:51,771 --> 00:28:53,982
I'd go to my friend's house
and just house their shit.

646
00:28:54,065 --> 00:28:55,191
And my… [chuckles]

647
00:28:55,275 --> 00:28:57,902
my friend's mom actually took me aside
and confronted me

648
00:28:57,986 --> 00:28:59,654
about how much I was eating at her house.

649
00:28:59,738 --> 00:29:01,823
In case you're wondering
what went awry in my life

650
00:29:01,906 --> 00:29:04,784
that I'm up here right now,
that was a pivotal moment, I think.

651
00:29:04,868 --> 00:29:06,035
[laughter]

652
00:29:06,119 --> 00:29:07,746
Her mom took me aside, and she's like,

653
00:29:07,829 --> 00:29:10,749
"You're eating a little too much
when you come over here."

654
00:29:11,291 --> 00:29:14,711
"It's just…" "Yes!" I'm like,
"You've been tracking my feeding time?"

655
00:29:14,794 --> 00:29:15,920
[laughter]

656
00:29:16,004 --> 00:29:19,340
She's like, "It's just that we need
these snacks for lunches, and, uh,

657
00:29:19,424 --> 00:29:22,093
well, when you're gone,
there's nothing left for the children."

658
00:29:22,177 --> 00:29:24,304
[laughter]

659
00:29:24,387 --> 00:29:27,932
"Stan's had to take on a second job,
so just lighten up, bitch."

660
00:29:28,016 --> 00:29:29,559
[laughter]

661
00:29:30,059 --> 00:29:31,811
This kid, like, wants
some of my kid's snack.

662
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:33,646
I'm like, "Whatever."
I just let her have it.

663
00:29:33,730 --> 00:29:37,942
This Brooklyn twat comes running
across the playground screaming at me.

664
00:29:38,026 --> 00:29:40,779
You would have thought I had just
roundhouse kicked her kid in the face.

665
00:29:40,862 --> 00:29:43,948
She's like, "What did you feed Madison?!"

666
00:29:44,032 --> 00:29:45,492
[laughter]

667
00:29:45,575 --> 00:29:48,453
I'm like, "Three Golden Grahams,
so she should be dead soon."

668
00:29:48,536 --> 00:29:51,664
-"She's in the winter of her life."
-[laughter]

669
00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:54,042
"I don't know if you have
any final words for your daughter,

670
00:29:54,125 --> 00:29:57,378
but her skin should change color,
and then she'll be out like a light."

671
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:58,963
[laughter]

672
00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:00,965
People are so weird
about what they feed kids now.

673
00:30:01,049 --> 00:30:04,803
She's like, "She's on
a very specific macrobiotic diet."

674
00:30:04,886 --> 00:30:06,888
"She does grain-free." I'm like, "Why?"

675
00:30:06,971 --> 00:30:09,307
"What are you fueling this bitch for?"

676
00:30:10,141 --> 00:30:13,978
"Like, she's not LeBron James.
Whatever she eats is not that important."

677
00:30:14,062 --> 00:30:16,648
"She's gonna shit it up her back
on the slide in half an hour."

678
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:18,566
[laughter]

679
00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:23,696
I go, "Oh, you like
home-cooked meals, Madison?"

680
00:30:23,780 --> 00:30:27,283
"You know who cooks?
All the men cook at the firehouse."

681
00:30:27,367 --> 00:30:28,868
"Would you like to meet a fireman?"

682
00:30:28,952 --> 00:30:32,747
I'm very happy to kind of whore out
the first responder thing if I'm in a jam.

683
00:30:33,248 --> 00:30:36,167
I'm like, "Would that be fun?"
She turns into Dorothy from Wizard of Oz.

684
00:30:36,251 --> 00:30:38,962
She's like, "Yes, I would.
I wanna meet a hero."

685
00:30:39,045 --> 00:30:40,922
-[chuckles]
-[laughter]

686
00:30:41,005 --> 00:30:43,424
I've never needed my husband more,
and then I turn around.

687
00:30:43,508 --> 00:30:46,386
My husband is literally,
he's doing, like, fucking prison push-ups,

688
00:30:46,469 --> 00:30:49,138
blasting System of a Down
off a Bluetooth speaker.

689
00:30:49,222 --> 00:30:50,598
[laughter]

690
00:30:50,682 --> 00:30:53,184
So alarming. He's like… [grunting]

691
00:30:53,268 --> 00:30:54,561
I'm like, "Never mind."

692
00:30:54,644 --> 00:30:56,938
She's like,
"I don't like heroes." [chuckles]

693
00:30:57,021 --> 00:30:58,106
[laughter]

694
00:30:58,189 --> 00:30:59,732
The mom walked away holding her kid.

695
00:30:59,816 --> 00:31:02,443
I'm like, "What's wrong, skank?
You're not a patriot, huh?"

696
00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:05,071
[laughter, applause]

697
00:31:05,154 --> 00:31:08,116
"I guess you hate your country,
you whore!"

698
00:31:08,199 --> 00:31:10,702
-[cheering]
-"I guess you hate your country."

699
00:31:10,785 --> 00:31:13,580
[applause]

700
00:31:13,663 --> 00:31:14,914
[laughter]

701
00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:18,793
But, yeah, I still have to do
all the wife shit, you know?

702
00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:21,838
Like, I get treated like a side piece,
but I'm still always at a baptism.

703
00:31:21,921 --> 00:31:23,756
I'm never not at a baptism now. Like, I'm…

704
00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:24,757
[laughter]

705
00:31:24,841 --> 00:31:28,511
And I don't know what you say at baptisms.
I don't, like, do the small talk right.

706
00:31:28,595 --> 00:31:30,597
I'm like, "That's a wet baby, huh?"

707
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:32,682
[laughter]

708
00:31:32,765 --> 00:31:34,726
"Tell you what,
he's gonna need a bigger towel."

709
00:31:34,809 --> 00:31:37,312
They just look at me like, "You're off."
I'm like, "That's fair."

710
00:31:37,395 --> 00:31:40,440
I don't know, I was always very jealous
of Catholics, you know, growing up.

711
00:31:40,523 --> 00:31:43,735
I just… Like, a Catholic service,
it's exciting, you know? Shit happens.

712
00:31:43,818 --> 00:31:47,530
There's a lot of, like, smoke and wanding
and Harry Potter shit going on.

713
00:31:47,614 --> 00:31:51,951
Like, secrets being passed back and forth
and gold cups and shit.

714
00:31:52,035 --> 00:31:54,162
-[chuckles]
-[laughter]

715
00:31:54,245 --> 00:31:57,790
Your men are, like, my type too.
Just hot and sorry, you know? Just…

716
00:31:57,874 --> 00:31:59,751
[laughter]

717
00:31:59,834 --> 00:32:02,378
Just some guy like, "Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned."

718
00:32:02,462 --> 00:32:03,630
"I was…" [laughs]

719
00:32:03,713 --> 00:32:06,299
"I was thinking about Gina Rose
when I was with Gina Marie,

720
00:32:06,382 --> 00:32:07,634
and that was wrong, all right?"

721
00:32:07,717 --> 00:32:09,385
-[laughter]
-"And that was wrong, Father."

722
00:32:09,469 --> 00:32:11,304
I don't know this.
I'm always trying to do this.

723
00:32:11,387 --> 00:32:13,431
My husband's always glaring
like I'm getting it wrong.

724
00:32:13,514 --> 00:32:15,475
I'm like, "I'm doing
my fucking best, all right?"

725
00:32:15,558 --> 00:32:18,436
This thing is confusing.
I don't know how it goes, and it's always…

726
00:32:18,519 --> 00:32:19,812
Uh, uh, I'm trying…

727
00:32:19,896 --> 00:32:21,272
[laughter]

728
00:32:21,356 --> 00:32:22,440
[person whoops]

729
00:32:23,608 --> 00:32:25,193
My mom told me not to do that too.

730
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:28,237
Like, last… Last week
when I was on the road, she was like,

731
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:31,908
"I don't think you should do
the tongue cross in the Carolinas."

732
00:32:31,991 --> 00:32:34,243
[laughter]

733
00:32:34,327 --> 00:32:37,288
She's like, "I don't know
how many Jews there are per capita there."

734
00:32:37,372 --> 00:32:38,790
She said "per capita."

735
00:32:38,873 --> 00:32:41,000
[laughter]

736
00:32:41,084 --> 00:32:43,086
I don't know
if there's a lot of Catholics here,

737
00:32:43,169 --> 00:32:45,630
but you know how you have
that, like, little Jesus appetizer

738
00:32:45,713 --> 00:32:47,048
that you get in church.

739
00:32:47,131 --> 00:32:49,217
-[laughter]
-Here's how dumb I am, okay?

740
00:32:49,300 --> 00:32:52,011
I thought that it'd change,
like, week to week.

741
00:32:52,095 --> 00:32:54,889
I thought you got, like,
oh, like, a mozzarella stick one week…

742
00:32:54,973 --> 00:32:56,391
[laughter]

743
00:32:56,474 --> 00:32:57,976
I was asking around about, like…

744
00:32:58,059 --> 00:32:59,894
I thought I was, like,
really schmoozing people.

745
00:32:59,978 --> 00:33:01,479
"What do you think it'll be this week?

746
00:33:01,562 --> 00:33:03,731
"What do you think
the appetizer'll be, huh?"

747
00:33:04,482 --> 00:33:06,067
"Some pork dumplings?"
My husband's like,

748
00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:08,569
"Stop asking the Ginas
about the app, all right?"

749
00:33:08,653 --> 00:33:09,737
[laughter]

750
00:33:09,821 --> 00:33:11,823
He's like, "I told ya.
It's always the same, okay?"

751
00:33:11,906 --> 00:33:14,117
"It's a tasteless wafer. Are you happy?"

752
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,410
[laughter]

753
00:33:15,493 --> 00:33:18,037
He's like, "It's a tasteless wafer."
He was so angry.

754
00:33:18,121 --> 00:33:20,415
I'm like, "Well, Jews would never
put up with that."

755
00:33:20,498 --> 00:33:21,332
[laughter]

756
00:33:21,916 --> 00:33:24,752
If you tried to give my aunt,
Rhoda Schneider…

757
00:33:24,836 --> 00:33:26,254
-And I know that…
-[laughter]

758
00:33:26,337 --> 00:33:29,882
I know, that's a hot name.
Just cool your erections for a second.

759
00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:32,427
Just stop coming
for just a moment. [chuckles]

760
00:33:32,510 --> 00:33:34,012
[laughter]

761
00:33:34,095 --> 00:33:38,099
If it helps, Rhoda has the largest
underwear you've ever seen in your life.

762
00:33:38,182 --> 00:33:39,934
[laughter]

763
00:33:40,018 --> 00:33:42,228
If you tried to give my aunt,
Rhoda Schneider,

764
00:33:42,311 --> 00:33:44,022
a tasteless wafer at temple,

765
00:33:44,105 --> 00:33:46,065
like, these bitches would be rioting
in my family.

766
00:33:46,149 --> 00:33:48,026
"What is this? It's unacceptable."

767
00:33:48,109 --> 00:33:51,237
"I was told I would have
a full salmon spread."

768
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:52,822
[laughter]

769
00:33:52,905 --> 00:33:54,741
"And a whitefish schmear." [chuckles]

770
00:33:54,824 --> 00:33:56,325
[laughter]

771
00:33:56,409 --> 00:33:59,120
"You obviously don't know
who my father was."

772
00:33:59,203 --> 00:34:01,122
[laughter]

773
00:34:01,205 --> 00:34:02,999
And here's what my husband
is doing at church.

774
00:34:03,082 --> 00:34:05,752
And the firemen here
will agree that this actually happens.

775
00:34:05,835 --> 00:34:09,714
He sits on his fuckin' phone in church
and reads me fires off his phone

776
00:34:09,797 --> 00:34:13,468
that he feels
that he is missing out on somehow.

777
00:34:13,551 --> 00:34:15,053
This is a daily scene now in our life.

778
00:34:15,136 --> 00:34:19,182
He just reads me, like, "Good jobs"
off this Citizens app on his phone.

779
00:34:19,265 --> 00:34:20,349
[laughter]

780
00:34:20,433 --> 00:34:22,894
He's worried I'm gonna say "twat,"
and he's sitting there like,

781
00:34:22,977 --> 00:34:26,397
"Look at this one. Beautiful fuckin' job!"

782
00:34:26,481 --> 00:34:28,024
[laughter]

783
00:34:28,107 --> 00:34:31,527
"10-75 in Flatbush. Place is cookin'!"

784
00:34:31,611 --> 00:34:32,862
[laughter]

785
00:34:33,362 --> 00:34:35,323
"That's a lot of orange!"

786
00:34:35,406 --> 00:34:36,491
[laughter]

787
00:34:36,574 --> 00:34:37,575
They love the fires.

788
00:34:37,658 --> 00:34:40,495
We were laying around one day
at the house, doing nothing, and he goes,

789
00:34:40,578 --> 00:34:43,915
"Beautiful fire. Few blocks from here.
Gorgeous. 10-75."

790
00:34:43,998 --> 00:34:46,250
"Private dwelling fire
at third and fourth floors."

791
00:34:46,334 --> 00:34:47,710
He's like, "We should go!"

792
00:34:47,794 --> 00:34:50,046
[laughter]

793
00:34:52,673 --> 00:34:56,761
I'm like, "Did you just ask me
on a date to a fire?"

794
00:34:56,844 --> 00:34:58,137
[laughter]

795
00:34:58,221 --> 00:35:00,932
"You psycho. I'm not gonna
pull a lawn chair up to a house fire

796
00:35:01,015 --> 00:35:03,142
like it's Shakespeare in the Park."

797
00:35:03,226 --> 00:35:04,519
"You are unwell."

798
00:35:05,686 --> 00:35:08,397
Yeah, they, uh, they love the fires.
One… They were actually…

799
00:35:08,481 --> 00:35:10,566
They're sitting in church,
and one guy is getting moved

800
00:35:10,650 --> 00:35:12,652
'cause they bounce around
to different firehouses.

801
00:35:12,735 --> 00:35:16,697
So one of the guys is going
from, uh, Brooklyn to Manhattan,

802
00:35:16,781 --> 00:35:19,742
and he's angry about it.
I'm like, "Why? Manhattan, that's cool."

803
00:35:19,826 --> 00:35:21,953
He's like, "Nah. No good jobs."

804
00:35:22,036 --> 00:35:23,287
"Too many sprinklers."

805
00:35:23,371 --> 00:35:26,165
[laughter]

806
00:35:26,249 --> 00:35:28,876
I'm like, "Wait,
so you're on the fire's side?"

807
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:31,295
"You're on the side of the fire, then?"

808
00:35:31,379 --> 00:35:33,047
He's like, "Brooklyn burns!"

809
00:35:33,131 --> 00:35:34,757
[laughter]

810
00:35:34,841 --> 00:35:38,010
"C'mon! Nice old buildings
gonna burn good. Tinderbox!"

811
00:35:39,178 --> 00:35:41,139
"Had a lot of fires over there!"

812
00:35:41,222 --> 00:35:43,224
That's how they pronounce it. "Fiya fida."

813
00:35:43,307 --> 00:35:44,934
F-I-Y-A.

814
00:35:45,017 --> 00:35:46,894
F-I-D-A.

815
00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:49,897
It sounds like a little kid
trying to say what his daddy does.

816
00:35:49,981 --> 00:35:51,816
Like, "My daddy's a fiya fida."

817
00:35:51,899 --> 00:35:53,901
[laughter]

818
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:56,154
So, they got into that little line,

819
00:35:56,237 --> 00:35:59,574
you know, that little Jesus lunch line,
where you guys get, like, this… [chuckles]

820
00:35:59,657 --> 00:36:01,576
…like, savior Triscuit or whatever. I…

821
00:36:01,659 --> 00:36:02,618
[laughter]

822
00:36:02,702 --> 00:36:03,828
I don't know.

823
00:36:04,328 --> 00:36:06,205
The Christ Pringle? I don't know. I, like…

824
00:36:06,289 --> 00:36:08,666
I love how they, like,
the priest serves it to you too.

825
00:36:08,749 --> 00:36:12,128
I like how he kind of just slowly
lowers it into your waiting face.

826
00:36:12,211 --> 00:36:14,088
I want all my snacks
served to me like that.

827
00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:17,008
Just kind of softly dropped
on my dumb tongue.

828
00:36:17,967 --> 00:36:20,761
Yeah, one of the other broads,
like, taps me out of the line.

829
00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:22,513
I'm like, "Beat it, Gina.
Get off my dick."

830
00:36:22,597 --> 00:36:25,141
"I'm waiting for
my fuckin' savior Pringle."

831
00:36:26,267 --> 00:36:28,519
She's like, "You're not supposed
to eat it!" She's frantic.

832
00:36:28,603 --> 00:36:30,855
She's like, "You're not allowed
to have it." I had no idea.

833
00:36:30,938 --> 00:36:33,733
You guys just looked at me like,
"We knew you weren't allowed to eat it."

834
00:36:33,816 --> 00:36:34,775
[laughter]

835
00:36:34,859 --> 00:36:37,737
Ooh, I felt that. They're like, "Nah, nah.
She can't have it."

836
00:36:37,820 --> 00:36:39,697
Like, I had no…
I didn't know your mom, like,

837
00:36:39,780 --> 00:36:42,158
takes you aside
when you're a perfect little Catholic girl

838
00:36:42,241 --> 00:36:45,286
just sprinkled with Christ
and sunshine and shit.

839
00:36:45,369 --> 00:36:47,955
You first Communion, she's like,
"Listen, God forbid, Gina,

840
00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:51,209
if a Jewish girl ever tries
to take your Jesus cracker…"

841
00:36:51,292 --> 00:36:52,627
[laughter]

842
00:36:52,710 --> 00:36:56,547
"It's a terrible sin. The whole church
will just blow up into flames."

843
00:36:56,631 --> 00:36:57,632
[laughter]

844
00:36:57,715 --> 00:37:00,009
I mean, it'll be a "Good job! Nice…"

845
00:37:00,092 --> 00:37:02,887
-[laughter]
-"Nice 10-75!"

846
00:37:02,970 --> 00:37:04,972
[cheering and applause]

847
00:37:07,892 --> 00:37:09,936
"That's a lot of orange!"

848
00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:13,022
[laughs] Sorry.

849
00:37:13,105 --> 00:37:15,858
I don't know if you have friends
that do this, but, like,

850
00:37:15,942 --> 00:37:18,027
they write these long, like, monologues

851
00:37:18,110 --> 00:37:21,322
about how perfect their marriages are
on Instagram, you know.

852
00:37:21,405 --> 00:37:25,117
I don't understand the instinct,
first of all, to, like, drag your husband

853
00:37:25,201 --> 00:37:28,329
out to a pumpkin patch somewhere
for a photo shoot. Like…

854
00:37:29,413 --> 00:37:32,166
This guy's bloated
and pretty hungover. Like…

855
00:37:32,917 --> 00:37:34,543
He's completely confused also.

856
00:37:34,627 --> 00:37:37,171
He has no idea
why he's in, like, matching flannels

857
00:37:37,255 --> 00:37:39,382
with his entire extended family.

858
00:37:39,465 --> 00:37:41,133
[laughter]

859
00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:43,636
And they'll be like,
"Vinny, you challenge me

860
00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:45,805
every single day."

861
00:37:45,888 --> 00:37:47,890
[laughter]

862
00:37:48,766 --> 00:37:52,436
"Every day with you
is like a mind-blowing learning voyage."

863
00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:53,813
[laughter]

864
00:37:53,896 --> 00:37:55,564
"The girls and I will keep following you

865
00:37:55,648 --> 00:37:59,360
on this never-ending journey of learning
we're on together as a family."

866
00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:03,990
"You have made me question everything
I ever thought was possible in a union."

867
00:38:04,073 --> 00:38:06,742
I'm like, "Vinny is on Pornhub right now."

868
00:38:06,826 --> 00:38:08,244
[laughter]

869
00:38:08,327 --> 00:38:10,329
[applause]

870
00:38:13,457 --> 00:38:17,211
The last time I saw him, he was so drunk,
he was wet, just dripping.

871
00:38:17,295 --> 00:38:18,379
[laughter]

872
00:38:18,963 --> 00:38:21,799
My husband's like, "Lay off Vinny.
C'mon, Big Guy. That was too much."

873
00:38:21,882 --> 00:38:23,509
[laughter]

874
00:38:23,592 --> 00:38:25,928
But it is hard to be married
to a first responder. It's hard.

875
00:38:26,012 --> 00:38:29,473
It's hard to argue with him on the street
when he's in his uniform. Um…

876
00:38:29,557 --> 00:38:30,808
[laughter]

877
00:38:31,475 --> 00:38:35,146
People interrupt us, and they're like,
"Thank you for your service."

878
00:38:35,646 --> 00:38:37,857
I'm like, "He's actually being
kind of a dick right now."

879
00:38:37,940 --> 00:38:39,567
[laughter]

880
00:38:39,650 --> 00:38:41,110
People always say the same thing

881
00:38:41,193 --> 00:38:43,154
when they hear
you're married to a fireman.

882
00:38:43,237 --> 00:38:45,031
They always go, "You must feel so safe."

883
00:38:45,114 --> 00:38:47,658
They always say that.
"You must feel so safe."

884
00:38:47,742 --> 00:38:49,493
I'm like, "No, he keeps you safe."

885
00:38:49,577 --> 00:38:51,078
[laughter]

886
00:38:51,162 --> 00:38:52,580
"It's you or me. And it's you."

887
00:38:52,663 --> 00:38:54,999
-"When he's home, he's off the clock."
-[laughter]

888
00:38:55,624 --> 00:38:58,502
Yeah, because these guys
go to real emergencies.

889
00:38:58,586 --> 00:39:00,963
So, like, they could give a fuck
about anything else.

890
00:39:01,047 --> 00:39:04,383
Like, I… I was on the way to the hospital

891
00:39:04,467 --> 00:39:06,969
to give birth to his baby, right?

892
00:39:07,053 --> 00:39:10,598
He pulls over 'cause I have to throw up.
I'm puking on the side of the road.

893
00:39:10,681 --> 00:39:13,642
My husband doesn't get out of the car, no.

894
00:39:13,726 --> 00:39:16,145
He just leans his dumb head
out the window, and he goes,

895
00:39:16,228 --> 00:39:18,356
-"You good?"
-[laughter]

896
00:39:19,815 --> 00:39:23,444
"You good?" That's what you say
to a stranger moving a couch.

897
00:39:23,527 --> 00:39:24,737
[laughter]

898
00:39:24,820 --> 00:39:26,405
That you don't wanna help.

899
00:39:26,489 --> 00:39:28,532
[laughter]

900
00:39:29,283 --> 00:39:32,745
You probably wondering, at this point,
um, why we're together, in the set.

901
00:39:33,954 --> 00:39:37,166
No, we were set up.
My husband and I were set up. And I was…

902
00:39:37,249 --> 00:39:39,794
I was, uh, hanging out at steakhouses.

903
00:39:39,877 --> 00:39:42,004
I did not intend to say this tonight, but…

904
00:39:42,088 --> 00:39:44,548
[laughter]

905
00:39:44,632 --> 00:39:46,425
Here's what a dark place I was in
before I met…

906
00:39:46,509 --> 00:39:48,594
I was, like, uh…
I heard men hang out at steakhouses,

907
00:39:48,677 --> 00:39:51,514
so I would just go there
to try to, like, find a man.

908
00:39:51,597 --> 00:39:52,807
[laughter]

909
00:39:52,890 --> 00:39:54,725
I don't think I realized
how alarming this was.

910
00:39:54,809 --> 00:39:57,937
I was telling people. I'm like, "Oh,
I go to Keens Steakhouse to meet a guy."

911
00:39:58,020 --> 00:40:00,648
My friend's like,
"I would not say that out loud."

912
00:40:01,357 --> 00:40:03,234
So I was at this steakhouse bar,
and my friend,

913
00:40:03,317 --> 00:40:05,444
she's married to a retired firefighter.

914
00:40:05,528 --> 00:40:08,823
She texts her husband, actually,
to ask for a fireman for me.

915
00:40:08,906 --> 00:40:11,117
She's just like,
"Can you get a fireman for Rachel?"

916
00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:12,243
[laughter]

917
00:40:12,326 --> 00:40:15,454
Also, he texts her back,
like, two options, like too fast.

918
00:40:15,538 --> 00:40:18,999
I was like, "How does he have, like,
two headshots of guys at his firehouse?"

919
00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:22,211
And, like, here's how I was described
to my husband.

920
00:40:22,294 --> 00:40:23,671
Um, his friend called him up.

921
00:40:23,754 --> 00:40:25,881
How insulting
is this description? [chuckles]

922
00:40:25,965 --> 00:40:27,716
He goes, "How would you like to meet

923
00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:30,678
a semi-famous Jewish jokester?"

924
00:40:30,761 --> 00:40:33,597
[laughter]

925
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:36,308
[applause and whooping]

926
00:40:41,897 --> 00:40:44,358
Like, that phrase alone, would…
I would imagine,

927
00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:46,777
would leave a man flaccid
for a long while. Like a…

928
00:40:46,861 --> 00:40:48,028
[laughter]

929
00:40:48,112 --> 00:40:49,113
"Jewish jokester."

930
00:40:49,196 --> 00:40:52,700
Like, it just sounds like a character
from Fiddler on the Roof or something.

931
00:40:53,367 --> 00:40:56,579
Like some old, heinous woman
selling riddles on a street corner.

932
00:40:57,413 --> 00:40:59,790
Like, "Eh, I've got
some humor for ya, huh?"

933
00:41:00,291 --> 00:41:03,294
"How about a quarter
for a fun-loving humor tale?"

934
00:41:03,377 --> 00:41:04,503
[laughter]

935
00:41:04,587 --> 00:41:08,215
I was, like… A lot of women
have these beautiful proposal stories.

936
00:41:08,299 --> 00:41:11,051
You know, like… No.
I was running out of time to get married.

937
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:12,678
I needed to have a kid. I was frantic.

938
00:41:12,761 --> 00:41:15,556
I'm like, "Somebody's gotta type out
something for him to say to me."

939
00:41:15,639 --> 00:41:18,058
"I don't care. Just get it done.
Okay. Get this done."

940
00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:20,561
I was looking for a ring
in my salad every day.

941
00:41:20,644 --> 00:41:22,521
[laughter]

942
00:41:22,605 --> 00:41:24,440
I wasn't doing well. Like…

943
00:41:24,523 --> 00:41:26,692
I was reading planes as they went by.

944
00:41:26,775 --> 00:41:28,861
I'm like, "Does that say,
'Will you marry me?'"

945
00:41:28,944 --> 00:41:30,613
[laughter]

946
00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:33,657
My friends are like,
"No, bitch, that says 'Delta.'"

947
00:41:33,741 --> 00:41:35,117
"That's a commercial flight."

948
00:41:35,201 --> 00:41:37,536
[laughter]

949
00:41:38,537 --> 00:41:40,539
But I'm not, like…
I don't care about wedding stuff.

950
00:41:40,623 --> 00:41:43,375
I'm not one of those, like, wedding twats.
Like, I… [chuckles]

951
00:41:43,459 --> 00:41:45,085
I'm not, like, a lady. I don't know.

952
00:41:45,586 --> 00:41:46,712
So I needed to, like…

953
00:41:46,795 --> 00:41:49,089
I needed just some controlling cunt
in my family

954
00:41:49,173 --> 00:41:51,217
that would, like, argue
with a florist or something.

955
00:41:51,300 --> 00:41:53,302
Just somebody to take control, you know?

956
00:41:53,385 --> 00:41:54,762
I don't care about that shit.

957
00:41:54,845 --> 00:41:57,097
So my, my mom, of course,
was pretty worthless.

958
00:41:57,181 --> 00:41:58,682
She's too, like, jazzy and liberal.

959
00:41:58,766 --> 00:42:01,268
I'd be like, "Mom, what do I do
with, like, centerpieces?"

960
00:42:01,352 --> 00:42:03,229
She's like, "Celebrate diversity!"

961
00:42:03,312 --> 00:42:05,689
-I'm like, "Never mind."
-[laughter]

962
00:42:06,649 --> 00:42:09,401
She's like, "I'll be cuttin' a rug
on the dance floor

963
00:42:09,485 --> 00:42:12,655
for all those strong women
that are kicking butt in Congress."

964
00:42:12,738 --> 00:42:13,781
I'm like,

965
00:42:14,281 --> 00:42:16,909
"You won't be invited
to the second part of the evening."

966
00:42:18,077 --> 00:42:20,579
And, like, my mother-in-law will give me
these compliments

967
00:42:20,663 --> 00:42:23,332
that, like, slowly turn into insults,

968
00:42:23,415 --> 00:42:25,292
where you realize
you've had the wrong expression

969
00:42:25,376 --> 00:42:27,002
for what's being said to you.

970
00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:31,632
She'll be like, "My son is happy with you.
He is. He's a happy man."

971
00:42:31,715 --> 00:42:34,260
"Because he laughs. People need to laugh."

972
00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:37,054
"It's important in this life,
to laugh, you know?"

973
00:42:37,137 --> 00:42:40,057
"He does. He always had
the most beautiful girlfriends."

974
00:42:40,140 --> 00:42:41,767
"But he was bored. He was."

975
00:42:41,850 --> 00:42:43,727
-What the fuck, María?
-[laughter]

976
00:42:46,814 --> 00:42:48,023
What the fuck?

977
00:42:48,899 --> 00:42:51,610
"You know, like an ass
you could really bounce a quarter off of."

978
00:42:51,694 --> 00:42:53,988
"But with you,
he has a good chuckle. He does."

979
00:42:54,071 --> 00:42:55,823
[laughter]

980
00:42:55,906 --> 00:42:58,075
"Humor is important.
You know, perfect tits."

981
00:42:58,158 --> 00:43:00,828
"The kind of cans you want to sleep on.
Lullaby tits."

982
00:43:00,911 --> 00:43:02,288
I'm like, "All right."

983
00:43:02,371 --> 00:43:05,332
And then my father-in-law
just wanted me to have a baby right away.

984
00:43:05,416 --> 00:43:08,502
And, um, he, he, he liked
to take me aside, my father-in-law,

985
00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:10,296
for these conferences in the living room.

986
00:43:10,379 --> 00:43:13,340
He's like, "C'mere, c'mere, let me
talk to you 'bout something. C'mere."

987
00:43:13,841 --> 00:43:15,092
It's not even a separate space.

988
00:43:15,175 --> 00:43:17,720
It's just, like, a corner of the room
where he kind of leans.

989
00:43:18,220 --> 00:43:20,139
He's like, "Let me
ask you something. Heh."

990
00:43:20,222 --> 00:43:22,641
He goes, "Uh, you wanna have a baby? Heh."

991
00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:25,686
I'm like, "Not right now,
and not with you, if that's okay."

992
00:43:25,769 --> 00:43:27,062
[laughter]

993
00:43:28,314 --> 00:43:31,025
He's like, "If you want Peter
to impregnate you, you know, he's…"

994
00:43:31,108 --> 00:43:32,610
[chuckles] He said this. All of this.

995
00:43:32,693 --> 00:43:36,322
I had to sit near a covered couch
in Barnegat, New Jersey,

996
00:43:36,405 --> 00:43:37,948
and listen to this speech.

997
00:43:38,657 --> 00:43:41,702
He's like, "Let me ask you something."
He goes, "Eh, how's his ballsack?"

998
00:43:41,785 --> 00:43:43,746
All right? Yes. That was said to me. Yes.

999
00:43:44,580 --> 00:43:47,833
Now, let's just suppose for a moment
that that was a normal question,

1000
00:43:47,916 --> 00:43:51,712
that you just… bump into your friend
at Trader fuckin' Joe's,

1001
00:43:51,795 --> 00:43:54,548
and they're like, "Hey! How's Jeff?
How's his ballsack?"

1002
00:43:55,758 --> 00:43:57,718
Even then,
how could you possibly answer that?

1003
00:43:57,801 --> 00:44:00,262
It's one of the hardest questions
I've had to answer in my life.

1004
00:44:00,346 --> 00:44:02,389
Like, "It's good. It's a solid sack."

1005
00:44:02,473 --> 00:44:04,266
Every answer sounds disgusting.

1006
00:44:05,893 --> 00:44:07,728
We had to take these pictures
for the wedding.

1007
00:44:07,811 --> 00:44:09,772
"First-look pictures."
I didn't know what this was.

1008
00:44:09,855 --> 00:44:13,025
This lady's explaining to me.
I could not foc… Comics, we don't listen.

1009
00:44:13,108 --> 00:44:14,652
So I'm, like, trying to sit still.

1010
00:44:14,735 --> 00:44:17,780
She's like, "For this wedding,
it's such a beautiful moment

1011
00:44:17,863 --> 00:44:19,698
for our bride and our groom, so what we…"

1012
00:44:19,782 --> 00:44:23,035
First of all, if you have that voice,
I can't. Like, I just… It's too dumb.

1013
00:44:23,118 --> 00:44:24,453
It's just… I can't with…

1014
00:44:24,536 --> 00:44:26,789
'Cause you never hear that voice
and it's just like,

1015
00:44:26,872 --> 00:44:29,416
"There's been so many incredible,
like, cures for disea…"

1016
00:44:29,500 --> 00:44:32,461
No, it's always like, "How random
would it be if I, like, blew Scott?"

1017
00:44:32,544 --> 00:44:34,213
Like, it's never smart.

1018
00:44:34,296 --> 00:44:35,464
[laughter]

1019
00:44:36,090 --> 00:44:37,883
She's like, "It's such a beautiful time,

1020
00:44:37,966 --> 00:44:40,803
so what we do for our reveal
for our first-look picture

1021
00:44:40,886 --> 00:44:43,972
is we're gonna blindfold your husband,
and then we'll whip off the blindfold

1022
00:44:44,056 --> 00:44:47,017
for this magical moment where he's able
to see you in the dress for the fir…"

1023
00:44:47,101 --> 00:44:49,019
I'm like, "First of all,
it's not a big reveal."

1024
00:44:49,103 --> 00:44:51,939
"Like, he's already
slept with this girl several times."

1025
00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:53,190
[laughter]

1026
00:44:53,273 --> 00:44:55,526
I begged my husband.
I was like, "Please, please, please."

1027
00:44:55,609 --> 00:44:57,695
"When they whip your blindfold off

1028
00:44:57,778 --> 00:44:59,613
and you see me in the dress
for the first time,

1029
00:44:59,697 --> 00:45:01,532
just be like, 'Ugh!
What the fuck was that?'"

1030
00:45:01,615 --> 00:45:03,409
[laughter]

1031
00:45:03,909 --> 00:45:05,202
"Jesus Christ!"

1032
00:45:06,161 --> 00:45:07,913
"I thought I was getting a blonde!"

1033
00:45:07,996 --> 00:45:09,206
[laughter]

1034
00:45:09,289 --> 00:45:12,376
"Is that a semi-famous Jewish jokester?"

1035
00:45:12,459 --> 00:45:14,294
[laughter]

1036
00:45:14,378 --> 00:45:17,214
[cheering]

1037
00:45:23,846 --> 00:45:26,056
And we had to
give each other presents for the wedding.

1038
00:45:26,140 --> 00:45:27,975
I didn't know.
This skank is explaining this.

1039
00:45:28,058 --> 00:45:30,310
-I was trying to focus. But, uh…
-[laughter]

1040
00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:35,023
She's like, "It's a beautiful night.
We're gonna exchange gifts." Or whatever.

1041
00:45:35,107 --> 00:45:39,069
And she's like, "On the wedding night."
And I… My husband loves Costco.

1042
00:45:39,153 --> 00:45:41,447
Like, so much more than me. It's…

1043
00:45:41,530 --> 00:45:43,198
I don't know what it is with men and bulk.

1044
00:45:43,282 --> 00:45:46,660
They're always, like, preparing
for some end-of-the-world scenario.

1045
00:45:47,411 --> 00:45:49,705
And I begged him,
I was like, "All I'm asking

1046
00:45:49,788 --> 00:45:52,583
is that you don't get me something
from fucking Costco."

1047
00:45:52,666 --> 00:45:55,252
I was like, "Don't do it."
I'm like, "Don't you dare."

1048
00:45:55,335 --> 00:45:56,628
I'm like, "I don't want a present

1049
00:45:56,712 --> 00:45:59,840
from the same place you can get
a flu shot and a muffler, all right?"

1050
00:45:59,923 --> 00:46:00,799
[laughter]

1051
00:46:00,883 --> 00:46:03,761
"If you can throw it on top
of a vat of mayonnaise, fuck off."

1052
00:46:03,844 --> 00:46:04,803
"I don't want it."

1053
00:46:05,304 --> 00:46:07,139
I was so specific, and then he gets me

1054
00:46:07,222 --> 00:46:08,974
pajamas from Costco.

1055
00:46:09,057 --> 00:46:10,100
[laughter]

1056
00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:11,935
The actual thing I told him not to get me.

1057
00:46:12,019 --> 00:46:15,063
And then he tries to lie about it.
I'm like, "These are from Costco."

1058
00:46:15,147 --> 00:46:16,523
[laughter]

1059
00:46:16,607 --> 00:46:18,275
He's like, "No, they're not.
You know what?"

1060
00:46:18,358 --> 00:46:21,862
He's like, "They're actually, uh,
they're, uh, they're very high-end."

1061
00:46:21,945 --> 00:46:23,947
[laughter]

1062
00:46:24,448 --> 00:46:26,742
I'm like, "The fact
that you just said 'high-end'

1063
00:46:26,825 --> 00:46:29,411
makes me know how truly cheap these are."

1064
00:46:29,495 --> 00:46:30,871
[laughter]

1065
00:46:30,954 --> 00:46:34,500
"They're so cheap, they're crunchy.
These are not Fendi pajamas."

1066
00:46:34,583 --> 00:46:36,835
"They have tickets on them
that say, 'Admit one.'"

1067
00:46:36,919 --> 00:46:37,878
[laughter]

1068
00:46:38,587 --> 00:46:40,714
He's like, "I don't wanna say
how much I spent on them."

1069
00:46:40,798 --> 00:46:42,216
"I'm just gonna leave it at this."

1070
00:46:42,299 --> 00:46:44,009
"You're worth it. You are.
You're worth it."

1071
00:46:44,092 --> 00:46:45,219
[laughter]

1072
00:46:45,302 --> 00:46:47,095
I'm like, "They're Kirkland pajamas."

1073
00:46:47,179 --> 00:46:48,514
-"They're…"
-[laughter]

1074
00:46:48,597 --> 00:46:50,849
-"I'm worth 9.98."
-[laughter]

1075
00:46:52,434 --> 00:46:54,937
And I was like, "What do I get him?"
So I was trying to figure out

1076
00:46:55,020 --> 00:46:57,439
what to get, like, a repressed guy
from, like, deep Brooklyn.

1077
00:46:57,523 --> 00:47:01,401
So I order, um,
a Catholic-schoolgirl outfit on Amazon,

1078
00:47:02,069 --> 00:47:03,737
but, again, I'm, like, mangled with ADD,

1079
00:47:03,821 --> 00:47:07,533
so I accidentally order
a dozen Catholic-schoolgirl outfits.

1080
00:47:07,616 --> 00:47:08,867
-[laughter]
-I did this.

1081
00:47:10,786 --> 00:47:13,580
But I'm never gonna return something.
That is never gonna happen.

1082
00:47:13,664 --> 00:47:15,499
Like, that would take so much more, like…

1083
00:47:15,582 --> 00:47:17,209
So I try to hide them from my husband,

1084
00:47:17,292 --> 00:47:19,795
but for he does his weird,
anal military rounds

1085
00:47:19,878 --> 00:47:21,880
when he gets back from the firehouse.

1086
00:47:22,464 --> 00:47:24,675
And of course he finds them.
He's like, "C'mere."

1087
00:47:24,758 --> 00:47:27,219
"Can you talk to me about this?
What was this over here, huh?"

1088
00:47:27,302 --> 00:47:28,804
[laughter]

1089
00:47:28,887 --> 00:47:31,807
"What's this?" I'm like, "It's a fucking
Catholic-schoolgirl outfit!"

1090
00:47:31,890 --> 00:47:33,058
"I was gonna surprise you."

1091
00:47:33,141 --> 00:47:35,185
He's like, "Are you bringin'
a whole fuckin' school?"

1092
00:47:35,269 --> 00:47:36,436
[laughter]

1093
00:47:39,648 --> 00:47:42,317
I'm like, "Well,
that's a fair follow-up question."

1094
00:47:42,401 --> 00:47:43,610
[laughter]

1095
00:47:43,694 --> 00:47:45,863
I feel there's too many instructions
in our sex life.

1096
00:47:45,946 --> 00:47:48,448
I feel like a lot of those,
like, repressed guys,

1097
00:47:48,532 --> 00:47:51,994
they're always trying to get back
to some first, forbidden sexual moment

1098
00:47:52,077 --> 00:47:53,579
to come again, like,

1099
00:47:53,662 --> 00:47:56,498
every time we have sex, it's always, like,
something a teacher was wearing

1100
00:47:56,582 --> 00:47:59,543
the first time he felt his dick move
when it wasn't supposed to.

1101
00:48:00,127 --> 00:48:01,378
He's like, "I'm gonna get hard."

1102
00:48:01,461 --> 00:48:04,047
"I just need you to put on these corduroys
for, like, two minutes."

1103
00:48:04,131 --> 00:48:05,757
[laughter]

1104
00:48:06,258 --> 00:48:08,385
"And clap these erasers together.
All right?"

1105
00:48:08,468 --> 00:48:09,595
[laughter]

1106
00:48:09,678 --> 00:48:11,805
"But you gotta clap 'em at the right pace,

1107
00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:14,141
like Miss McCauley used to do
at Bishop Ford."

1108
00:48:15,684 --> 00:48:17,227
"Quick outfit change."

1109
00:48:17,311 --> 00:48:19,771
"Just dress like a school nurse.
Ask me what I ate today twice."

1110
00:48:19,855 --> 00:48:23,025
-"I'll come real fast after that."
-[laughter]

1111
00:48:23,108 --> 00:48:25,485
"Okay, I'm finished.
Good sesh. That was solid."

1112
00:48:26,570 --> 00:48:28,280
"You need anything?"
I'm like, "I'm all set."

1113
00:48:28,363 --> 00:48:31,116
"I'm not sure I remember
what I once needed."

1114
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:32,451
"I'll just, uh,

1115
00:48:32,534 --> 00:48:34,870
change out
of my orthopedic nursing shoes…"

1116
00:48:34,953 --> 00:48:36,622
[laughter]

1117
00:48:37,122 --> 00:48:38,498
"…circle back in the living room."

1118
00:48:38,582 --> 00:48:40,751
He's like, "Ten-four!
I'll see you out there."

1119
00:48:40,834 --> 00:48:42,753
[laughter]

1120
00:48:43,253 --> 00:48:45,589
First of all, he always,
like, wants me to do a sexy dance.

1121
00:48:45,672 --> 00:48:47,674
I'll put on lingerie,
but I'm not gonna do a jig.

1122
00:48:47,758 --> 00:48:49,509
It's ridiculous.

1123
00:48:49,593 --> 00:48:53,096
I'm like, "This is not
America's Got Talent, you know? Like…"

1124
00:48:53,180 --> 00:48:55,724
"I'm not gonna prepare
a jazzy number for you."

1125
00:48:55,807 --> 00:48:58,268
I'm like, "Can I just give you money
to go to a strip club?"

1126
00:48:58,352 --> 00:48:59,895
It felt like a fair compromise.

1127
00:48:59,978 --> 00:49:01,521
He's like, "I want a dance. C'mon."

1128
00:49:01,605 --> 00:49:03,941
Finally, I just sort of did
a slow Charleston. It was very…

1129
00:49:04,024 --> 00:49:04,942
[laughter]

1130
00:49:05,025 --> 00:49:07,736
Something very arousing about jazz hands.

1131
00:49:08,236 --> 00:49:11,990
I'm like, [singing]
♪ Your smile is my umbrella ♪

1132
00:49:12,074 --> 00:49:13,325
[laughter]

1133
00:49:13,408 --> 00:49:17,287
I sang a lot of Yiddish show tunes
that he said weren't helpful.

1134
00:49:19,206 --> 00:49:21,500
Yeah, the thing is, as comedians,
like, we're not well.

1135
00:49:21,583 --> 00:49:23,585
You guys just looked at me like,
"Yeah, we know."

1136
00:49:23,669 --> 00:49:24,836
[laughter]

1137
00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:28,674
No, yeah, we don't, like, really run
a tight ship. Um…

1138
00:49:28,757 --> 00:49:30,050
You know, our lives are weird.

1139
00:49:30,133 --> 00:49:33,345
Like, I've had a soft taco
thrown at me in Des Moines before. Like…

1140
00:49:33,428 --> 00:49:35,097
[laughter]

1141
00:49:35,180 --> 00:49:37,641
There's a sadness
to the way a taco falls off tittage,

1142
00:49:37,724 --> 00:49:39,226
since you guys asked. Like…

1143
00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:42,688
Yeah, I'll take a bottle
over a taco any day.

1144
00:49:42,771 --> 00:49:44,773
None of this is gonna be
in the special. But, uh…

1145
00:49:44,856 --> 00:49:46,108
[laughter]

1146
00:49:46,191 --> 00:49:48,527
I've had some pretty important shows
in my life,

1147
00:49:48,610 --> 00:49:52,489
and it feels good to, to be proud of that,
and, uh, I've worked hard. Thank you.

1148
00:49:52,572 --> 00:49:53,865
-[cheering]
-Thank you.

1149
00:49:54,449 --> 00:49:57,494
-Thanks, you guys.
-[cheering continues]

1150
00:49:57,577 --> 00:49:58,912
Thank you.

1151
00:50:00,163 --> 00:50:01,456
[woman] Oh yeah!

1152
00:50:01,540 --> 00:50:02,582
No. Thank you.

1153
00:50:02,666 --> 00:50:05,252
I played at the Hebrew Home for the Aging
in the Bronx.

1154
00:50:05,335 --> 00:50:06,503
-And, uh…
-[laughter]

1155
00:50:06,586 --> 00:50:07,796
So get off my dick.

1156
00:50:08,797 --> 00:50:11,466
You have not bombed
until you've bombed for old people

1157
00:50:11,550 --> 00:50:12,759
'cause they don't give a fuck,

1158
00:50:12,843 --> 00:50:15,137
and they'll tell you
exactly what they think of you.

1159
00:50:15,220 --> 00:50:17,014
This woman stood up, and she goes,

1160
00:50:17,097 --> 00:50:20,767
"Why don't you talk about
something that we can relate to?"

1161
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:23,020
[laughter]

1162
00:50:23,520 --> 00:50:25,939
And it hurt so bad
'cause it was just so reasonable.

1163
00:50:26,023 --> 00:50:28,608
I'm like,
"That's fair feedback, actually."

1164
00:50:29,526 --> 00:50:31,069
One lady just stands up, and she's like,

1165
00:50:31,153 --> 00:50:34,197
"Why would you measure the semen
after intercourse?"

1166
00:50:34,281 --> 00:50:36,283
[laughter]

1167
00:50:38,827 --> 00:50:41,329
"It's a very strange decision."

1168
00:50:41,413 --> 00:50:42,873
[laughter]

1169
00:50:42,956 --> 00:50:44,916
I love that she referred to it
as a decision,

1170
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:47,085
like I took it up with a board
ahead of time.

1171
00:50:47,169 --> 00:50:48,962
[laughter]

1172
00:50:49,463 --> 00:50:51,506
One woman stands up
in the middle of my show and goes,

1173
00:50:51,590 --> 00:50:55,135
"Something must have gone wrong with her
in the earlier years." [chuckles]

1174
00:50:55,218 --> 00:50:57,804
[laughter]

1175
00:50:58,764 --> 00:51:00,348
That… That hurt so bad.

1176
00:51:00,432 --> 00:51:02,100
I'm like, "She knew
about the snack thing."

1177
00:51:02,184 --> 00:51:03,769
[laughter]

1178
00:51:03,852 --> 00:51:05,312
That was so accurate.

1179
00:51:05,395 --> 00:51:08,482
One lady stands up, and she goes,
"She's like… The things she says

1180
00:51:08,565 --> 00:51:12,319
and the… and the…
singing all those things, and the…

1181
00:51:12,402 --> 00:51:14,321
the Yiddish show tunes and all of this."

1182
00:51:14,404 --> 00:51:15,781
"It's like she's not a woman."

1183
00:51:15,864 --> 00:51:17,074
"She's not a woman!"

1184
00:51:17,157 --> 00:51:18,992
[laughter]

1185
00:51:19,076 --> 00:51:19,951
"She's not a woman."

1186
00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:21,828
One lady stands up…
They help each other, Jews.

1187
00:51:21,912 --> 00:51:24,039
She goes, "She's not.
'Cause she said it, remember?"

1188
00:51:24,122 --> 00:51:27,626
"She made… She said
she was the fire-twat, remember?"

1189
00:51:27,709 --> 00:51:29,294
[laughter]

1190
00:51:29,377 --> 00:51:33,256
"She's not a lady. She's a siren-slut.
That's what she is!"

1191
00:51:33,340 --> 00:51:34,341
[laughter]

1192
00:51:34,424 --> 00:51:38,053
"She's a fire ho!
That's what she is, a ho!"

1193
00:51:40,931 --> 00:51:42,557
[chuckles] One lady

1194
00:51:42,641 --> 00:51:45,185
just stood up in the middle of my show,
and she just goes,

1195
00:51:45,268 --> 00:51:49,439
"This is my Friday evening!"

1196
00:51:49,523 --> 00:51:52,109
[laughter]

1197
00:51:53,985 --> 00:51:57,197
And it hurt so bad 'cause I…

1198
00:51:57,280 --> 00:51:59,533
I know exactly what this bitch meant.

1199
00:51:59,616 --> 00:52:01,409
-Like, she's like…
-[laughter]

1200
00:52:01,493 --> 00:52:05,288
She's like,
"I have maybe three Fridays left!"

1201
00:52:05,372 --> 00:52:06,957
[laughter]

1202
00:52:08,041 --> 00:52:10,877
"And you are fuckin' up one of them!"

1203
00:52:10,961 --> 00:52:13,171
[laughter]

1204
00:52:13,255 --> 00:52:15,048
[clapping]

1205
00:52:15,132 --> 00:52:18,593
Also, of all the shows, this is the show
my husband chooses to go to.

1206
00:52:18,677 --> 00:52:20,387
At the Hebrew Home for the Aging.

1207
00:52:22,848 --> 00:52:24,641
I get offstage.
I just walk right over to him.

1208
00:52:24,724 --> 00:52:27,144
I'm like, "Well, did you see that?
Did you see their reaction?"

1209
00:52:27,227 --> 00:52:30,397
He's like, "Yeah!
That was solid, Big Guy! Good sesh!"

1210
00:52:30,480 --> 00:52:31,815
[laughter]

1211
00:52:31,898 --> 00:52:34,901
[cheering and applause]

1212
00:52:40,782 --> 00:52:42,784
And this lady's
standing outside after my show

1213
00:52:42,868 --> 00:52:44,119
just trying to behold me.

1214
00:52:44,202 --> 00:52:45,745
She's just like… [groans]

1215
00:52:45,829 --> 00:52:46,746
[laughter]

1216
00:52:46,830 --> 00:52:50,458
She's really trying to get to the bottom
of how somebody could be this foul.

1217
00:52:50,542 --> 00:52:52,961
Like, she was like, "Agh!"

1218
00:52:53,044 --> 00:52:54,212
[laughter]

1219
00:52:55,088 --> 00:52:57,591
So I just looked at her.
I was like, "I see you,

1220
00:52:57,674 --> 00:53:00,051
I honor you…"

1221
00:53:00,135 --> 00:53:02,804
[applause and whooping]

1222
00:53:02,888 --> 00:53:05,265
"…I celebrate you."

1223
00:53:05,974 --> 00:53:08,268
Thank you, guys.
Thank you so much. Thank you.

1224
00:53:08,351 --> 00:53:10,478
[cheering]

1225
00:53:11,271 --> 00:53:13,565
[country music playing]

1226
00:53:18,028 --> 00:53:20,030
Thank you for your service.

1227
00:53:21,406 --> 00:53:22,407
Thank you.

1228
00:53:23,700 --> 00:53:24,993
And a 182.

1229
00:53:25,493 --> 00:53:26,870
♪ The show ♪

1230
00:53:27,829 --> 00:53:30,248
♪ The show is on the road ♪

1231
00:53:30,332 --> 00:53:31,333
♪ The road ♪

1232
00:53:32,876 --> 00:53:35,128
♪ Let's pack it up and go ♪

1233
00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:36,588
♪ Let's go ♪

1234
00:53:37,589 --> 00:53:39,507
♪ This is the life we know ♪

1235
00:53:39,591 --> 00:53:40,967
♪ The road ♪

1236
00:53:42,010 --> 00:53:43,887
♪ The show is on the road ♪

1237
00:53:46,765 --> 00:53:48,141
[country music continues]

1238
00:54:03,031 --> 00:54:05,325
♪ Am I cracking up?
Am I cracking up? ♪

1239
00:54:05,408 --> 00:54:07,285
♪ Yeah, am I cracking up? ♪

1240
00:54:07,369 --> 00:54:10,038
♪ This is too much stuff
Too much stuff ♪

1241
00:54:10,121 --> 00:54:12,290
♪ Man, I think I've had enough ♪

1242
00:54:12,374 --> 00:54:14,292
It's so easy.

1243
00:54:14,376 --> 00:54:16,711
[music fades]