1 00:00:01,468 --> 00:00:04,270 - I'm funnier than he is, but they told me to introduce him. 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 3 00:00:04,270 --> 00:00:08,041 Here's Jeff Dunham! 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 5 00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:11,010 [upbeat rock music] 6 00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:17,684 ♪ ♪ 7 00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:24,057 - Well, welcome to my Valentine's Day special and... 8 00:00:24,057 --> 00:00:26,826 [cheers and applause] 9 00:00:26,826 --> 00:00:28,528 There are at least two things in this world 10 00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:30,296 that I know are completely universal. 11 00:00:30,296 --> 00:00:34,567 We all need love and laughter. 12 00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:37,470 Audrey and I have now been married for 11 and 1/2 years, 13 00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:40,106 and I, I am the luckiest man on the planet. 14 00:00:40,106 --> 00:00:41,608 I say that every single day. 15 00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:43,476 Yeah, and-- 16 00:00:45,311 --> 00:00:46,546 But now the world turns, 17 00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:48,248 and I have twin boys, Jack and James. 18 00:00:48,248 --> 00:00:50,283 They are eight years of age. 19 00:00:50,283 --> 00:00:52,986 [cheers and applause] Yeah, thanks. 20 00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:54,187 But you know, with the kids, 21 00:00:54,187 --> 00:00:55,622 you never know what you're going to get. 22 00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:57,824 There's some DNA mixed in with how you raise them. 23 00:00:57,824 --> 00:00:59,292 No matter what you do, they could turn out 24 00:00:59,292 --> 00:01:03,263 to be little shits anyway, so. 25 00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:05,965 But at age eight, all kids are sponges. 26 00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:07,834 You know, they hear stuff, and they repeat it 27 00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:09,002 whether they should or not. 28 00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:10,503 And if I had known earlier in life 29 00:01:10,503 --> 00:01:12,305 than later in life I was gonna have more kids, 30 00:01:12,305 --> 00:01:14,007 I might not have said some of the things I did 31 00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:17,844 in some of my stand-up specials. 32 00:01:17,844 --> 00:01:19,012 There's a couple of specials 33 00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:23,550 where Peanut imitates porno music. 34 00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:25,752 And I'm not kidding, I don't know how many times I've caught 35 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,787 James walking through the house all by himself, 36 00:01:27,787 --> 00:01:32,525 and he's going ♪ boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪ 37 00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:34,093 And you know I'm gonna get that call from school. 38 00:01:34,093 --> 00:01:37,330 "Mr. Dunham, James has been imitating pornographic music." 39 00:01:37,330 --> 00:01:39,165 I'm like, "oh, yeah, he got that from his mom. 40 00:01:39,165 --> 00:01:43,369 I have no idea where that came from, so." 41 00:01:43,369 --> 00:01:44,904 Speaking of love, are you guys ready for 42 00:01:44,904 --> 00:01:46,339 the little people in the boxes? 43 00:01:46,339 --> 00:01:49,476 [cheers and applause] All right. 44 00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:54,814 In classical mythology, Cupid is the god of desire, 45 00:01:54,814 --> 00:01:57,817 erotic love, attraction, and affection. 46 00:01:57,817 --> 00:02:01,421 So ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome Cupid. 47 00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:04,390 [upbeat rock music] 48 00:02:04,390 --> 00:02:07,694 ♪ ♪ 49 00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:11,898 [laughter] 50 00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:18,738 [cheers and applause] 51 00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:22,242 - Shut the hell up. 52 00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:25,345 [mocking laughter] 53 00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:33,786 You know how much I hate you right now. 54 00:02:33,786 --> 00:02:37,690 - Hello, Cupid. - I'm Walter, damn it. 55 00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:39,526 - Yeah, but tonight you're supposed to be Cupid. 56 00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:41,528 - I'd rather be working at Walmart. 57 00:02:41,528 --> 00:02:44,130 - [chuckles] Just play along. 58 00:02:44,130 --> 00:02:46,533 - [mockingly] Just play along. 59 00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:52,572 - So Valentine's Day is a busy time for you, isn't it, Cupid? 60 00:02:52,572 --> 00:02:58,144 - This qualifies as elder abuse. 61 00:02:58,144 --> 00:02:59,546 - It looks like you're ready to 62 00:02:59,546 --> 00:03:01,614 get to work for Valentine's Day. Are you feeling OK? 63 00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:05,552 - No, I'm half naked and my nipples are chapped. 64 00:03:05,552 --> 00:03:11,624 And what kind of costume is wings and Depends? 65 00:03:11,624 --> 00:03:13,960 These lights are too bright. Put my sunglasses on. 66 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:14,994 - You want sunglasses? 67 00:03:14,994 --> 00:03:16,195 - Put on the damn sunglasses. 68 00:03:16,195 --> 00:03:17,497 It's too bright out here. 69 00:03:17,497 --> 00:03:18,665 Whatever, just put 'em on me. 70 00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:19,799 Oh, you're gonna blind me. 71 00:03:19,799 --> 00:03:22,402 What the hell is wrong with you? 72 00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:24,537 - There. - Oh, ah, much better. 73 00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:29,008 [cheers and applause] 74 00:03:29,008 --> 00:03:31,110 Look, Ray-Bans and Depends. 75 00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:34,914 I'm Joe Biden! 76 00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:43,823 [cackling laugh] 77 00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:46,092 I'm president and I can't get up. 78 00:03:46,092 --> 00:03:48,661 - Will you stop? 79 00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:52,565 Walter-- - Ah, come on. 80 00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,434 Folks say I look like him all the time. 81 00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:56,069 - Yeah, they do. - Yeah, they're like, 82 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,637 "are you Joe Biden?" 83 00:03:57,637 --> 00:03:58,938 I wouldn't want to disappoint them, 84 00:03:58,938 --> 00:04:02,775 so I say, "I don't know," and they believe me! 85 00:04:04,611 --> 00:04:07,347 - I'm taking these off. - Well, that was easy. 86 00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:08,948 - So as Cupid, your job is to go around 87 00:04:08,948 --> 00:04:10,817 shooting arrows into people's hearts, 88 00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:12,885 which then makes them fall in love, right? 89 00:04:12,885 --> 00:04:15,922 - Yeah, yeah. Love, lust, whatever you want to call it. 90 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:19,058 - Oh. So what's the difference between love and lust? 91 00:04:19,058 --> 00:04:21,628 - 50 bucks. 92 00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:28,101 Less in certain parts of Florida. 93 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:31,237 - Oh. 94 00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:33,940 Yeah, and why do you shoot arrows? 95 00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,709 - I don't know, TSA took my Glock. 96 00:04:36,709 --> 00:04:39,646 How about that? [grumbles] 97 00:04:39,646 --> 00:04:41,047 - Let's talk about relationships. 98 00:04:41,047 --> 00:04:44,017 - Oh, I am an expert on that. - OK. 99 00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:47,186 So how should a man approach a woman he's attracted to? 100 00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:50,289 - From the rear. - No. 101 00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:55,194 - And with the size of some of the asses these days, 102 00:04:55,194 --> 00:04:59,532 that could be considered a long distance relationship. 103 00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:04,804 - So, Cupid, aren't greeting cards a good way 104 00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,339 of expressing your love for someone? 105 00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:08,875 - Oh, sure, yeah, greeting cards are good for anybody. 106 00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:10,743 In fact, I've written a few myself. 107 00:05:10,743 --> 00:05:13,146 - Some greeting cards? Can you recite a couple for us? 108 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,514 - Sure. 109 00:05:14,514 --> 00:05:16,683 - Do you have one for longtime married couples? 110 00:05:16,683 --> 00:05:19,185 - Oh, absolutely. Here we go. [clears throat] 111 00:05:19,185 --> 00:05:22,922 "Our love all these years has been a blissful occurrence. 112 00:05:22,922 --> 00:05:26,459 I wish you would die so I could collect the insurance." 113 00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:33,766 - No. - OK. 114 00:05:33,766 --> 00:05:35,535 How about one for younger couples? 115 00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:37,270 - Younger couples, great. - OK. 116 00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:39,739 "Meeting you was amazing luck, 117 00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:42,175 and I think of that most each time that we--" 118 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:45,978 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 119 00:05:45,978 --> 00:05:49,582 - "Have dinner." What did you think I was gonna say? 120 00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:52,552 You're a bad man. 121 00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:53,920 - So how is your love life? 122 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:55,421 - Oh, you mean me as Walter and-- 123 00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:56,689 and with the wife? - Yeah. 124 00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:58,825 - Well, things are different at our age. 125 00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:00,126 - I'm sure. - Yeah. 126 00:06:00,126 --> 00:06:01,561 We're actually kinkier now. 127 00:06:01,561 --> 00:06:02,729 - OK, I don't want to hear about it. 128 00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:04,697 - Yeah, now she offers me the choice: 129 00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:07,133 teeth in or teeth out. 130 00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:15,875 Trust me, you'll see. - OK. 131 00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:19,145 Well, I'm glad you're happy. 132 00:06:19,145 --> 00:06:20,513 - I didn't say that. 133 00:06:20,513 --> 00:06:22,148 - Do you ever tell your wife that you love her? 134 00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:23,349 - Of course I do. 135 00:06:23,349 --> 00:06:24,417 - How often do you tell her? - Once. 136 00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:27,153 - A day? - A year. 137 00:06:27,153 --> 00:06:30,957 - Well, that's not very much. - It adds up. 138 00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:32,892 - I guess you tell her on Valentine's Day? 139 00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,127 - No. - Mother's Day? 140 00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:35,094 - No. - Christmas? 141 00:06:35,094 --> 00:06:37,997 - April Fools. 142 00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:41,067 I'm kidding. - Good. 143 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:45,037 - Yeah, I tell her every February 29th. 144 00:06:46,939 --> 00:06:48,808 - Let's talk about romance. - Oh, great. 145 00:06:48,808 --> 00:06:50,643 - All right. Just some simple things. 146 00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:52,512 Do you and your wife ever watch movies together? 147 00:06:52,512 --> 00:06:54,781 - Yeah, she wants to watch our wedding movies. 148 00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:56,516 - That's nice. - I can't do it. 149 00:06:56,516 --> 00:07:00,253 - Why not? - I know what happens next. 150 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,321 - So when you proposed, did you get down on one knee? 151 00:07:02,321 --> 00:07:03,456 - Yeah, I had to. 152 00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:07,293 I didn't want to look her in the eye. 153 00:07:07,293 --> 00:07:09,128 Say, I got a joke-joke for you. 154 00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:12,398 What does Disney World have in common with Viagra? 155 00:07:12,398 --> 00:07:13,699 - I don't know, what? 156 00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:16,669 - An hour-long wait for a two-minute ride. 157 00:07:24,977 --> 00:07:27,246 - You're not gonna start telling joke-jokes now, 158 00:07:27,246 --> 00:07:28,614 are you? - Oh, sure. 159 00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:30,082 I'll do some wife jokes and get you canceled. 160 00:07:30,082 --> 00:07:31,484 - Walter-- - Hang on, hang on. 161 00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:34,453 My wife is so ugly. 162 00:07:34,453 --> 00:07:37,056 crowd: How ugly is she? 163 00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:42,161 - She sat on her iPhone and it unlocked. 164 00:07:42,161 --> 00:07:43,362 That's butt ugly. 165 00:07:43,362 --> 00:07:45,665 - We got it. - OK. 166 00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:47,567 Calm down, though, it's not one sided. 167 00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:49,335 - How's that? - Every Valentine's Day, 168 00:07:49,335 --> 00:07:52,305 she gets me sweetheart candies with sayings on them. 169 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,673 - Oh, like "be mine"? 170 00:07:53,673 --> 00:07:57,844 - No, no. "Do not resuscitate." 171 00:07:57,844 --> 00:07:59,178 I will say, though, 172 00:07:59,178 --> 00:08:01,314 we did go to a marriage counselor one time. 173 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,448 - You did? - Oh, yeah. 174 00:08:02,448 --> 00:08:04,016 He said I should take my wife out 175 00:08:04,016 --> 00:08:06,152 and treat her like I did on our first date. 176 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,954 - Sounds like a good idea. - Yeah. 177 00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:09,856 So I took her to dinner, felt her up, 178 00:08:09,856 --> 00:08:13,759 then dropped her off at her parents' house. 179 00:08:15,261 --> 00:08:17,563 - But despite that kind of stuff, the love life is OK? 180 00:08:17,563 --> 00:08:19,065 - Yeah, we do our best. 181 00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:21,834 We tried role playing with a little French maid outfit. 182 00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:23,536 - Ooh, how'd that go? 183 00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:25,338 - Uh, she said it was too tight. 184 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,840 - Ah. - And my accent was bad. 185 00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:35,214 See, I put the maid outfit on. 186 00:08:35,214 --> 00:08:37,149 - They got it. 187 00:08:37,149 --> 00:08:38,985 - And then I had her put it on. - OK. 188 00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:40,486 - Not because it was sexy. 189 00:08:40,486 --> 00:08:41,554 I thought she might... - Walter. 190 00:08:41,554 --> 00:08:42,555 - Finally... - Walter. 191 00:08:42,555 --> 00:08:43,589 - Do some... - Walter. 192 00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:48,160 - Fucking housework. - Walter! 193 00:08:50,997 --> 00:08:52,932 You really are trying to get me canceled. 194 00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:54,967 - No, I'm trying to get my fucking house cleaned. 195 00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:57,970 - Please! 196 00:08:57,970 --> 00:08:59,505 Say good night, Walter. 197 00:08:59,505 --> 00:09:01,540 - Thanks, Tampa Bay! 198 00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:02,942 - Thanks, Walter. 199 00:09:02,942 --> 00:09:04,543 [cheers and applause] 200 00:09:06,587 --> 00:09:08,422 - This next guy is from somewhere down south in the US. 201 00:09:08,422 --> 00:09:10,758 Please help me welcome Bubba J. 202 00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:13,761 [upbeat rock music] 203 00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:16,096 [cheers and applause] 204 00:09:16,096 --> 00:09:17,731 - [chortles] 205 00:09:17,731 --> 00:09:21,802 - How you doing Bubba J? - I'm doing purdy good! 206 00:09:24,138 --> 00:09:25,939 - So what's been going on with you lately? 207 00:09:25,939 --> 00:09:28,909 - Well, last week I went to my best friend's wedding. 208 00:09:28,909 --> 00:09:30,311 - That's nice. - Yeah. 209 00:09:30,311 --> 00:09:35,249 It was a combination wedding and gender reveal party. 210 00:09:35,249 --> 00:09:36,817 - Oh. - Yeah. 211 00:09:36,817 --> 00:09:41,522 He was very happy to find out that she really was a woman. 212 00:09:49,163 --> 00:09:55,135 Yeah, always a nail-biter, right, guys? 213 00:09:55,135 --> 00:09:57,471 - And how's your family? - They're all good. 214 00:09:57,471 --> 00:10:01,141 - Yeah, and, uh, what's your wife's name? 215 00:10:01,141 --> 00:10:04,244 - Uh... 216 00:10:04,244 --> 00:10:05,312 - Bubba J? 217 00:10:05,312 --> 00:10:08,749 - Oh, no, that's my name. 218 00:10:08,749 --> 00:10:10,718 - But she's doing well? - Yeah, she's great. 219 00:10:10,718 --> 00:10:11,952 - You two have a lot in common, don't you? 220 00:10:11,952 --> 00:10:13,821 - Yeah, we're made for each other. 221 00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:15,222 - I bet. - Yeah, you know, 222 00:10:15,222 --> 00:10:19,827 we both got the exact same results in our DNA tests. 223 00:10:24,365 --> 00:10:26,867 - Bubba J, how can you be so smart on one hand, 224 00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:28,702 and so stupid on the other? 225 00:10:28,702 --> 00:10:31,772 - Well, you're half of it. 226 00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:37,344 - Well, you know, Bubba J, during the show tonight 227 00:10:37,344 --> 00:10:40,214 we've been talking about that romantic day in February. 228 00:10:40,214 --> 00:10:43,784 - Yeah, Groundhog Day. 229 00:10:43,784 --> 00:10:46,120 - No, it's a romantic day. - Romantic? 230 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:48,789 - Yeah, February 14th is the day for lovers. 231 00:10:48,789 --> 00:10:51,759 - Oh. [chortles] Lovers. 232 00:10:51,759 --> 00:10:57,698 You mean the day you watch the no-no channels? 233 00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:59,266 - The no-no channels? - Yes. 234 00:10:59,266 --> 00:11:04,037 Like, "no-no, you're not doing that to me." 235 00:11:06,039 --> 00:11:07,474 - No. - No, not "no." 236 00:11:07,474 --> 00:11:10,744 It's no-no. [giggling] 237 00:11:10,744 --> 00:11:14,815 - I'm talking about romance. - So am I. 238 00:11:14,815 --> 00:11:16,116 - Do you and your wife ever watch 239 00:11:16,116 --> 00:11:19,019 actual sweet romantic movies? - Like what? 240 00:11:19,019 --> 00:11:21,221 - You know, things like where the guy gets the girl. 241 00:11:21,221 --> 00:11:23,190 - Oh, yeah, like Freddy Krueger? 242 00:11:23,190 --> 00:11:24,825 Oh, yeah, yeah. 243 00:11:24,825 --> 00:11:26,260 - No. - I don't know. 244 00:11:26,260 --> 00:11:28,429 - Come on, what first attracted you to your wife? 245 00:11:28,429 --> 00:11:30,597 - Well, she's really hot. 246 00:11:30,597 --> 00:11:31,665 - OK. - Yeah. 247 00:11:31,665 --> 00:11:33,233 And she's really big. - Oh. 248 00:11:33,233 --> 00:11:37,571 - Yeah, so it was gravity. - Yeah--oh. 249 00:11:37,571 --> 00:11:43,243 - Yeah, if she spins around too fast, she'll suck you right in. 250 00:11:43,243 --> 00:11:44,912 - And how's the romance between you two? 251 00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:45,913 - Oh, it's purdy good. 252 00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:47,347 - Yeah? - Yeah. 253 00:11:47,347 --> 00:11:52,252 In fact, one of your little boys taught me something. 254 00:11:52,252 --> 00:11:53,287 - What's that? 255 00:11:53,287 --> 00:11:56,723 - ♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪ 256 00:12:01,462 --> 00:12:02,796 - So when you proposed, 257 00:12:02,796 --> 00:12:05,065 did you ask her father for her hand in marriage? 258 00:12:05,065 --> 00:12:07,601 - I sure did. I called him up and I go, 259 00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:12,005 "hey, Uncle Phil, it's me, Bubba J." 260 00:12:17,077 --> 00:12:19,346 And you know our wedding was half the cost 261 00:12:19,346 --> 00:12:21,715 of the average wedding. - How's that? 262 00:12:21,715 --> 00:12:24,117 - Huh! Just one family. 263 00:12:31,391 --> 00:12:34,895 Yeah, the whole left side of the church was empty. 264 00:12:34,895 --> 00:12:37,264 - Oh. [chuckles] 265 00:12:37,264 --> 00:12:39,233 You ever go out with your wife for a romantic evening 266 00:12:39,233 --> 00:12:41,368 and whisper sweet nothings in her ear? 267 00:12:41,368 --> 00:12:42,936 - What's a sweet nothing? 268 00:12:42,936 --> 00:12:44,104 Oh, I know. 269 00:12:44,104 --> 00:12:47,941 [whispering] Diet Coke. 270 00:12:47,941 --> 00:12:49,977 - No, sweet nothings are just flattering things 271 00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:51,979 that you say softly to someone you love. 272 00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:53,480 - Oh, yeah, like, 273 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:58,585 [whispering] "you're as hot as your mother." 274 00:12:58,585 --> 00:13:00,120 Hey, hey! 275 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:04,658 He thinks this crap up, not me. 276 00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:08,662 My wife is beautiful, though. - That's very sweet. 277 00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,464 And what makes her beautiful? 278 00:13:10,464 --> 00:13:13,834 - Six beers. - No. 279 00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,836 - OK, less if the light is dim. 280 00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:17,538 - All right. [laughs] 281 00:13:17,538 --> 00:13:19,940 And how dim should it be for you to look good to her? 282 00:13:19,940 --> 00:13:23,844 - [chortles] Total frickin' darkness. 283 00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:25,245 - How's the rest of your family doing? 284 00:13:25,245 --> 00:13:26,747 - They're good. - How's your sister? 285 00:13:26,747 --> 00:13:28,048 - She just got married. 286 00:13:28,048 --> 00:13:30,083 - Oh, really? So she got hit by Cupid's arrow. 287 00:13:30,083 --> 00:13:31,218 - [chuckles] No. 288 00:13:31,218 --> 00:13:35,088 Our yard guy needed citizenship. 289 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,128 - That's not right. 290 00:13:41,128 --> 00:13:42,829 - You think they'll leave that joke in your show? 291 00:13:42,829 --> 00:13:44,831 - I-- 292 00:13:44,831 --> 00:13:46,066 I doubt it. 293 00:13:46,066 --> 00:13:51,271 - Olé! - All right. 294 00:13:51,271 --> 00:13:52,839 So I know your birthday is coming up. 295 00:13:52,839 --> 00:13:54,107 You're gonna get a little TLC? 296 00:13:54,107 --> 00:13:59,313 - [chortles] Jeff, it's spelled KFC. 297 00:13:59,313 --> 00:14:00,781 You should come over next weekend. 298 00:14:00,781 --> 00:14:02,249 I'm barbecuing a turkey. 299 00:14:02,249 --> 00:14:03,884 - Oh, you love doing that, don't you? 300 00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:04,000 - Yeah, and we may or may not 301 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,352 - Yeah, and we may or may not 302 00:14:05,352 --> 00:14:07,521 have some skinny dipping going on. 303 00:14:07,521 --> 00:14:08,822 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 304 00:14:08,822 --> 00:14:12,960 [gurgling] ♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪ 305 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,062 - [chuckles] What? 306 00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:19,066 Bubba J, where did you learn to talk like that? 307 00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:21,835 - Oh, you drink as much as I do, you fucking learn. 308 00:14:21,835 --> 00:14:25,639 - All right. 309 00:14:25,639 --> 00:14:27,941 So, Bubba J, how about your favorite part of the show? 310 00:14:27,941 --> 00:14:29,276 - OK, great. 311 00:14:29,276 --> 00:14:31,178 This is the part where you get to hear 312 00:14:31,178 --> 00:14:34,815 what I think about stuff after I've had one too many. 313 00:14:34,815 --> 00:14:37,684 Or maybe five, or eight, or the whole keg. 314 00:14:37,684 --> 00:14:39,019 - All right. - Yeah. 315 00:14:39,019 --> 00:14:42,189 - All right. 316 00:14:42,189 --> 00:14:45,258 - So welcome to the Valentine's edition of 317 00:14:45,258 --> 00:14:48,996 Bubba J's Drinkin' and Thinkin'. 318 00:14:48,996 --> 00:14:51,965 [pensive piano music] 319 00:14:51,965 --> 00:14:54,868 ♪ ♪ 320 00:14:54,868 --> 00:14:56,303 Oh, I like the music. 321 00:14:56,303 --> 00:14:58,505 - Yeah. - Yeah, puts me in the mood. 322 00:14:58,505 --> 00:15:00,007 - Oh, mood for what? 323 00:15:00,007 --> 00:15:03,577 - [gurgling] ♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪ 324 00:15:03,577 --> 00:15:04,711 - Just go. - OK. 325 00:15:04,711 --> 00:15:07,280 Drinkin' and Thinkin'. 326 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,816 For Valentine's Day, my wife said 327 00:15:09,816 --> 00:15:11,752 she wanted her favorite flower. 328 00:15:11,752 --> 00:15:14,688 So I gave her Bisquick. 329 00:15:14,688 --> 00:15:21,595 ♪ ♪ 330 00:15:22,996 --> 00:15:26,466 The first time someone wished me "happy VD," 331 00:15:26,466 --> 00:15:30,904 I thought, "how the hell did they know?" 332 00:15:33,573 --> 00:15:36,677 When a woman says that I must love her from afar, 333 00:15:36,677 --> 00:15:42,816 what that really means is that she filed a restraining order. 334 00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:45,352 One-night stands make me feel empty. 335 00:15:45,352 --> 00:15:48,388 - Yeah. - Which means it went great. 336 00:15:52,793 --> 00:15:54,928 - I'm sorry. 337 00:15:58,398 --> 00:16:02,836 - Guys, never get involved with a farm animal. 338 00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:04,805 - What? - I know, I know. 339 00:16:04,805 --> 00:16:07,441 Moo means moo. 340 00:16:10,944 --> 00:16:12,946 When a woman asks you if you know 341 00:16:12,946 --> 00:16:14,881 the quickest way to her heart, 342 00:16:14,881 --> 00:16:20,687 don't do what I did and stick your head between her tatas. 343 00:16:20,687 --> 00:16:24,624 That was the worst ever birthday for Grandma. 344 00:16:24,624 --> 00:16:26,593 [crowd groans] 345 00:16:26,593 --> 00:16:27,894 Oh, too far? 346 00:16:27,894 --> 00:16:29,730 Yeah, too far? 347 00:16:29,730 --> 00:16:30,897 - Too far. - Yeah. 348 00:16:30,897 --> 00:16:35,702 [gurgling] 349 00:16:35,702 --> 00:16:37,738 Oh, wait, it's Grandma. 350 00:16:37,738 --> 00:16:39,473 [gurgling] 351 00:16:41,975 --> 00:16:43,110 - Say goodnight, Bubba J. 352 00:16:43,110 --> 00:16:45,412 - Happy Valentines, Tampa! 353 00:16:45,412 --> 00:16:46,413 [cheering] 354 00:16:49,692 --> 00:16:52,261 - He's purple, he's wacky. 355 00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:55,531 [cheers and applause] 356 00:16:55,531 --> 00:16:57,933 Please help me welcome my buddy, Peanut! 357 00:16:57,933 --> 00:17:00,903 [upbeat rock music] 358 00:17:00,903 --> 00:17:07,576 ♪ ♪ 359 00:17:07,576 --> 00:17:09,545 [cheers and applause] 360 00:17:09,545 --> 00:17:11,747 - [laughing] 361 00:17:11,747 --> 00:17:13,115 - How are you doing, Peanut? - Doing pretty good. 362 00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:14,383 How about you? - I'm fine. 363 00:17:14,383 --> 00:17:16,686 - That's good, that's good, that's good! 364 00:17:16,686 --> 00:17:17,953 [cackles] 365 00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:20,056 Ha-ha! - Cut it out. 366 00:17:20,056 --> 00:17:21,957 - ♪ I'm a little asshole, short and stout ♪ 367 00:17:21,957 --> 00:17:24,193 ♪ This is my handle, I can't show you my spout ♪ 368 00:17:24,193 --> 00:17:27,063 [cackles] Ha-ha! - Stop it! 369 00:17:27,063 --> 00:17:29,765 Peanut! - Jeff-fa-fa! 370 00:17:29,765 --> 00:17:31,467 - Do you know why we're here? - I do. 371 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,968 - We've been talking about Valentine's Day. 372 00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:34,270 - I have been listening, 373 00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:35,905 and you have finally come to the right guy 374 00:17:35,905 --> 00:17:37,873 to talk about romance, my man. 375 00:17:37,873 --> 00:17:39,742 - You? - Yes, me. For example: 376 00:17:39,742 --> 00:17:42,044 that is not just a suitcase you got me out of. 377 00:17:42,044 --> 00:17:43,312 - No? - No! 378 00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:48,351 That, my friend, is where I take the ladies. 379 00:17:48,351 --> 00:17:52,988 - What? - That is the Luggage of Love. 380 00:17:52,988 --> 00:17:55,491 - The luggage? - Of Love. 381 00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,026 And you know it by the music. 382 00:17:57,026 --> 00:17:58,160 - The music? - Yeah. 383 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:01,630 ♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪ 384 00:18:01,630 --> 00:18:04,233 - Peanut, no one but you can fit inside that suitcase. 385 00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:07,269 - Oh, you'd be surprised. 386 00:18:07,269 --> 00:18:10,139 - Maybe just and José Jalapeño. 387 00:18:10,139 --> 00:18:16,212 [crowd whooping] 388 00:18:16,212 --> 00:18:18,948 On a stick. [chuckles] 389 00:18:18,948 --> 00:18:21,450 - OK, don't be gross. 390 00:18:21,450 --> 00:18:24,754 I refuse to allow a stick in my box. 391 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,461 I-I just said that out loud, didn't I? 392 00:18:32,461 --> 00:18:34,330 - Yeah, you did. - Yeah. 393 00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:37,032 Well, I meant it. Both ways. - All right. [chuckles] 394 00:18:38,968 --> 00:18:40,970 Have you been on any dates lately? 395 00:18:40,970 --> 00:18:43,005 - Well, I think about it a lot. 396 00:18:43,005 --> 00:18:44,140 - You think about going on dates? 397 00:18:44,140 --> 00:18:45,474 - Yeah, I do. 398 00:18:45,474 --> 00:18:47,176 I try and figure out how to make it happen 399 00:18:47,176 --> 00:18:50,713 without you being there too! 400 00:18:50,713 --> 00:18:52,047 - Right. - It's not easy. 401 00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:55,284 I just seem to lay there. - [chuckles] 402 00:18:55,284 --> 00:18:56,552 - It's not funny! 403 00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:59,155 It's like my own "Toy Story" hell. 404 00:19:03,092 --> 00:19:04,760 And no Woody. 405 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,796 - [laughs] 406 00:19:06,796 --> 00:19:08,697 Wha-- 407 00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:14,837 - Maybe a little Buzz. - All right. [laughs] 408 00:19:14,837 --> 00:19:17,640 - But I'm looking good, right, ladies? 409 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:20,409 [crowd hollering] 410 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:24,647 That is Fifty Shades of Purple right there. 411 00:19:24,647 --> 00:19:28,551 ♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪ 412 00:19:28,551 --> 00:19:31,253 - Look, Valentine's Day. It's the holiday of love. 413 00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:33,189 - It is about love, isn't it? - Of course. 414 00:19:33,189 --> 00:19:38,561 And who is that extra special person in your life right now? 415 00:19:38,561 --> 00:19:39,762 - Well. 416 00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:41,530 - Is there someone? 417 00:19:41,530 --> 00:19:43,265 - [sniffles] No. 418 00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:44,834 [crowd groans sympathetically] 419 00:19:44,834 --> 00:19:47,102 [whimpers] 420 00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,506 [sympathetic groans, laughter] 421 00:19:50,506 --> 00:19:53,008 [high-pitched] Thank you. 422 00:19:53,008 --> 00:19:54,577 - I'm really sorry. - I know. 423 00:19:54,577 --> 00:19:56,412 But look at you. - Yeah. 424 00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:58,814 - And Walter. And Bubba J. 425 00:19:58,814 --> 00:20:00,850 You all have someone. 426 00:20:00,850 --> 00:20:02,451 - You know, maybe José could help you. 427 00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:03,719 - Help me what? - Find a date. 428 00:20:03,719 --> 00:20:06,388 - [laughs] Wait, you're serious? 429 00:20:06,388 --> 00:20:08,457 - Well, I've heard-- - You've heard what? 430 00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:09,725 - He's Latin. - So? 431 00:20:09,725 --> 00:20:13,062 - You know, a Latin lover. - On a stick? 432 00:20:13,062 --> 00:20:14,763 - Why don't we ask him? - Oh, no. 433 00:20:14,763 --> 00:20:16,165 - Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome 434 00:20:16,165 --> 00:20:18,968 José Jalapeño on a Stick. 435 00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:23,172 [cheers and applause] 436 00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:25,074 Good evening, José. 437 00:20:25,074 --> 00:20:27,810 - Buenas noches, Señor Jeff. 438 00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:30,546 And others. 439 00:20:30,546 --> 00:20:32,548 - He's not, uh, happy with me right now. 440 00:20:32,548 --> 00:20:34,583 - We are not speaking. 441 00:20:34,583 --> 00:20:36,252 - Why not? - Don't worry about it. 442 00:20:36,252 --> 00:20:38,787 - He ate my cousin Julio. 443 00:20:42,558 --> 00:20:44,393 - You ate his cousin Julio? 444 00:20:44,393 --> 00:20:45,761 - Well, how was I supposed to know? 445 00:20:45,761 --> 00:20:49,598 He was just laying there next to the dip. 446 00:20:49,598 --> 00:20:51,834 Not saying anything. I thought he was a popper. 447 00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:54,670 - [laughs] 448 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,972 - I don't want to talk to you. 449 00:20:56,972 --> 00:21:02,177 - Oh, OK, I'm--I'm actually... really sorry, José. 450 00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:04,547 - He died doing what he loved most. 451 00:21:04,547 --> 00:21:08,450 - What was that? - Burning your mouth. 452 00:21:08,450 --> 00:21:10,519 - He did do that. - Right. 453 00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:14,557 - And later your ass. 454 00:21:14,557 --> 00:21:17,459 - I'll let you know. - OK. 455 00:21:17,459 --> 00:21:19,562 So, José, you think you can help Peanut get a date? 456 00:21:19,562 --> 00:21:21,597 - Sí, I know women. - You? 457 00:21:21,597 --> 00:21:23,899 I have never seen you with a woman! 458 00:21:23,899 --> 00:21:26,435 [scoffs] You're in that box all day long. 459 00:21:26,435 --> 00:21:28,671 - Sí, but many of the times, I am not alone. 460 00:21:28,671 --> 00:21:31,507 - Oh, come on. Who gets in there with you? 461 00:21:31,507 --> 00:21:32,808 - Ask your mother. 462 00:21:32,808 --> 00:21:34,543 - Hey! 463 00:21:34,543 --> 00:21:37,413 What the hell? - [laughs] All right. 464 00:21:37,413 --> 00:21:38,547 - Did you hear that? - Yeah. 465 00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:41,150 - I'll deep fry his ass. - No. 466 00:21:41,150 --> 00:21:42,518 - And his stick. - Steeck. 467 00:21:42,518 --> 00:21:43,652 - Whatever. - Calm down. 468 00:21:43,652 --> 00:21:45,054 - He said he was with my mother! 469 00:21:45,054 --> 00:21:46,288 - I know. 470 00:21:46,288 --> 00:21:47,723 - My mother can't fit in José's box. 471 00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:48,000 - No, but José can fit in your mother's-- 472 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:49,692 - No, but José can fit in your mother's-- 473 00:21:49,692 --> 00:21:51,860 - All right! 474 00:21:51,860 --> 00:21:53,262 - What the hell? 475 00:21:53,262 --> 00:21:54,597 - I'm-- [laughs] 476 00:21:57,299 --> 00:21:58,934 - I'm gonna slice him up and serve him 477 00:21:58,934 --> 00:22:01,804 on our next plate of frickin' nachos. 478 00:22:01,804 --> 00:22:03,606 - And that's when I burn your ass. 479 00:22:03,606 --> 00:22:05,240 - You can't! - Yes, I can. 480 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:09,078 - I don't have an ass! 481 00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:11,880 It's an elbow. 482 00:22:16,919 --> 00:22:19,088 - That sounds much worse than a stick. 483 00:22:19,088 --> 00:22:21,523 - All ri-- [laughs] 484 00:22:21,523 --> 00:22:24,627 - I thought this was gonna be a lot more fun. 485 00:22:24,627 --> 00:22:26,195 - That's what I said to your mother. 486 00:22:26,195 --> 00:22:27,363 - Hey! - All right! 487 00:22:27,363 --> 00:22:29,765 Wait--wait a minute. 488 00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:32,034 - I bet your mother had a steeck. 489 00:22:32,034 --> 00:22:33,402 - Not as big as your sister's. 490 00:22:33,402 --> 00:22:37,306 - Oh, will you stop it, both of you? 491 00:22:37,306 --> 00:22:38,607 Say good night, José. 492 00:22:38,607 --> 00:22:41,276 - I am José Jalapeño. - On a Stick. 493 00:22:41,276 --> 00:22:42,344 - There he is. - Hey! 494 00:22:42,344 --> 00:22:44,246 - All right. 495 00:22:44,246 --> 00:22:46,548 [cheers and applause] 496 00:22:48,409 --> 00:22:49,377 - All right, look, Peanut, have you ever tried 497 00:22:49,377 --> 00:22:50,711 online dating? - Well? 498 00:22:50,711 --> 00:22:52,013 - I thought that maybe we could help you out 499 00:22:52,013 --> 00:22:53,481 by filling out a profile on one of those sites 500 00:22:53,481 --> 00:22:55,549 and see how it goes. - Oh, OK. 501 00:22:55,549 --> 00:22:56,717 - I pulled up the site. - Yeah. 502 00:22:56,717 --> 00:22:58,219 - And let's enter your profile. 503 00:22:58,219 --> 00:22:59,320 Let's see what happens. - OK. 504 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,455 - So for example, OK, uh, name. 505 00:23:01,455 --> 00:23:05,459 - OK, first name, Pea, last name Nut. 506 00:23:07,528 --> 00:23:09,096 - That's not right. - There's two blanks. 507 00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:10,331 What are you gonna do? 508 00:23:10,331 --> 00:23:13,267 Initial P then last name [gargles]? 509 00:23:13,267 --> 00:23:14,468 Sound like you're talking backwards. 510 00:23:14,468 --> 00:23:18,005 [mimics talking in reverse] 511 00:23:19,740 --> 00:23:22,043 - Height? - Six four. 512 00:23:24,278 --> 00:23:25,680 - You're like two four. 513 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:29,817 - Objects in mirror are larger than they appear. 514 00:23:29,817 --> 00:23:32,286 - OK, now it's asking your relationship intent. 515 00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:33,688 Is it long term, short term, 516 00:23:33,688 --> 00:23:36,324 short but open to long term, not sure. 517 00:23:36,324 --> 00:23:40,661 - Is there a checkbox for "wham, bam, thank you ma'am"? 518 00:23:42,530 --> 00:23:45,099 - OK, sexual orientation. 519 00:23:45,099 --> 00:23:47,735 - Upside down. - No. 520 00:23:47,735 --> 00:23:48,803 - Sideways? - No. 521 00:23:48,803 --> 00:23:50,838 - About face. - Stop it. 522 00:23:50,838 --> 00:23:53,007 - That's what she said. - [laughs] 523 00:23:53,007 --> 00:23:54,508 I have no idea what you're doing! 524 00:23:54,508 --> 00:23:56,777 - She also said that. - Wh-- 525 00:23:56,777 --> 00:23:58,512 what do I enter? - He said that. 526 00:23:58,512 --> 00:24:00,781 - Stop it! 527 00:24:02,750 --> 00:24:04,185 Income? - What? 528 00:24:04,185 --> 00:24:05,386 - Income. - Outcome? 529 00:24:05,386 --> 00:24:08,322 - What? - Income, outcome. How come? 530 00:24:08,322 --> 00:24:10,124 - Read this, right there. 531 00:24:10,124 --> 00:24:13,260 - Uh, "the amount of money you make anally." 532 00:24:13,260 --> 00:24:16,230 - Annually! 533 00:24:16,230 --> 00:24:19,200 - Oh, that's way different. 534 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:25,406 It's amazing how one little missing U can rock your world. 535 00:24:25,406 --> 00:24:29,844 And make it difficult to walk. - [laughs] 536 00:24:32,246 --> 00:24:34,115 OK, we've now gotten to the part of the show 537 00:24:34,115 --> 00:24:36,016 that I'm not really sure about, Peanut. 538 00:24:36,016 --> 00:24:38,152 - What's that? - Well, as the audience knows, 539 00:24:38,152 --> 00:24:41,822 before the show started, many of them were given these cards 540 00:24:41,822 --> 00:24:43,624 and asked to write you questions about 541 00:24:43,624 --> 00:24:44,859 love and relationships, 542 00:24:44,859 --> 00:24:46,994 anything to do with Valentines. - Yep. 543 00:24:46,994 --> 00:24:49,463 - So, uh, where is-- 544 00:24:49,463 --> 00:24:51,132 all right, I can't read the first name. 545 00:24:51,132 --> 00:24:54,402 Is it "Fru--" 546 00:24:54,402 --> 00:24:55,569 Fr-- person: Frank! 547 00:24:55,569 --> 00:24:57,104 - Oh, Frank? 548 00:24:57,104 --> 00:25:00,408 - It looks like "Fruck." 549 00:25:00,408 --> 00:25:01,876 - All right, Frank. 550 00:25:01,876 --> 00:25:03,944 "Dear Peanut, I got my wife these tickets 551 00:25:03,944 --> 00:25:07,214 for our 10th anniversary. Is this enough?" 552 00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:11,051 - Let's see, 25th anniversary is silver, 50th is gold, 553 00:25:11,051 --> 00:25:14,522 and 10th is warm beer and a puppet show. 554 00:25:14,522 --> 00:25:17,558 Yes, you're a good, Frank. 555 00:25:20,661 --> 00:25:22,196 - John Simmons. 556 00:25:22,196 --> 00:25:24,532 "Dear Peanut, are children with peanut allergies 557 00:25:24,532 --> 00:25:28,402 allowed to play with you?" 558 00:25:28,402 --> 00:25:31,605 - Oh, ha, ha, ha. 559 00:25:31,605 --> 00:25:34,241 Yes, they are. Deal with the itch, bitch. 560 00:25:34,241 --> 00:25:36,577 - Oh, that's-- 561 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,549 Kate and Sherry. 562 00:25:41,549 --> 00:25:43,217 "Dear Peanut, what advice would you give 563 00:25:43,217 --> 00:25:45,085 "a married lesbian couple 564 00:25:45,085 --> 00:25:49,356 that's been with each other for 14 years?" 565 00:25:49,356 --> 00:25:50,391 - Do you know? - No. 566 00:25:50,391 --> 00:25:51,659 - I don't know either. 567 00:25:51,659 --> 00:25:54,528 Clearly, we don't have anything you need. 568 00:26:04,305 --> 00:26:06,340 - Where are Dennis and Cathy? 569 00:26:06,340 --> 00:26:07,875 Aw! "Dear Peanut, 570 00:26:07,875 --> 00:26:11,879 "we reconnected at our 56th class reunion two years ago. 571 00:26:11,879 --> 00:26:14,248 Should we get married?" 572 00:26:14,248 --> 00:26:16,417 [crowd shouting approval] 573 00:26:16,417 --> 00:26:18,319 - I guess so. 574 00:26:18,319 --> 00:26:20,821 Are you the last two left? 575 00:26:27,161 --> 00:26:30,564 Happy Valentine's Day. 576 00:26:30,564 --> 00:26:32,366 - Uh, John McLendon. 577 00:26:32,366 --> 00:26:34,602 "Dear Peanut, after 20 plus years of marriage, 578 00:26:34,602 --> 00:26:36,871 "how can I get my wife to, you know, want to, 579 00:26:36,871 --> 00:26:39,640 "you know, have, um, well, you know, sex? 580 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:41,609 Any thoughts?" 581 00:26:41,609 --> 00:26:43,611 - Well, John, clearly from this question, 582 00:26:43,611 --> 00:26:48,182 it shows you like to beat around the bush. 583 00:26:50,551 --> 00:26:54,288 And there's your problem. 584 00:26:54,288 --> 00:26:57,224 - Say goodnight, Peanut. 585 00:26:57,224 --> 00:27:02,029 [cheers and applause] 586 00:27:02,029 --> 00:27:05,299 - There's a character that has been in my act for many years, 587 00:27:05,299 --> 00:27:06,400 but for various reasons, 588 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:07,968 he has now been all but banned 589 00:27:07,968 --> 00:27:10,838 from any new television programming. 590 00:27:10,838 --> 00:27:14,775 [cheers and applause] 591 00:27:14,775 --> 00:27:18,345 And because of all that, he is not with us here tonight. 592 00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:20,981 [crowd groaning, booing] 593 00:27:20,981 --> 00:27:22,983 However! 594 00:27:22,983 --> 00:27:27,821 It seems that he has a distant cousin... 595 00:27:27,821 --> 00:27:30,624 a long-lost relative who apparently is immortal 596 00:27:30,624 --> 00:27:32,092 and Greek and a god. 597 00:27:32,092 --> 00:27:33,694 Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome 598 00:27:33,694 --> 00:27:36,397 the Greek god, Achimedes. 599 00:27:36,397 --> 00:27:39,366 [upbeat rock music] 600 00:27:39,366 --> 00:27:41,735 ♪ ♪ 601 00:27:41,735 --> 00:27:46,000 - [cackling] 602 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:46,640 - [cackling] 603 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:51,745 [cheers and applause] 604 00:27:51,745 --> 00:27:57,484 Greetings, mortal human infidels! 605 00:27:57,484 --> 00:27:59,219 [cackles] 606 00:27:59,219 --> 00:28:01,188 It is I! 607 00:28:01,188 --> 00:28:03,857 What's my name? 608 00:28:03,857 --> 00:28:06,927 - Achimedes. - Achimedes! 609 00:28:06,927 --> 00:28:12,366 I am the ancient Greek god of keeler love. 610 00:28:12,366 --> 00:28:13,634 - What--what's killer love? 611 00:28:13,634 --> 00:28:15,502 - Not killer, keeler! 612 00:28:15,502 --> 00:28:16,637 - Keeler. - Yes. 613 00:28:16,637 --> 00:28:18,439 - And where are you from, Achimedes? 614 00:28:18,439 --> 00:28:20,441 - Uh... 615 00:28:20,441 --> 00:28:24,211 - Mount Olympus. - Mm--what? 616 00:28:24,211 --> 00:28:25,312 - Yes. - OK. 617 00:28:25,312 --> 00:28:28,782 Mount the platypus! 618 00:28:28,782 --> 00:28:29,750 - No. - What? 619 00:28:29,750 --> 00:28:30,918 - Mount Olympus. 620 00:28:30,918 --> 00:28:35,089 - Yes, don't forget the puss. 621 00:28:35,089 --> 00:28:37,591 I am from the mountain of platypuses! 622 00:28:37,591 --> 00:28:39,526 - No. 623 00:28:39,526 --> 00:28:40,594 - Platy-pussies? 624 00:28:40,594 --> 00:28:43,030 - No, no! No! 625 00:28:45,232 --> 00:28:47,434 - I'm not sure I can say that. - Just forget it. 626 00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:50,404 - Silence! 627 00:28:50,404 --> 00:28:51,639 I love you. 628 00:28:51,639 --> 00:28:56,210 [laughter and applause] 629 00:29:00,547 --> 00:29:01,548 - Really? - Yes. 630 00:29:01,548 --> 00:29:03,851 It's "silence! I love you." 631 00:29:05,953 --> 00:29:07,388 - That's different. - Yes, I know. 632 00:29:07,388 --> 00:29:09,490 I call it keeler love. 633 00:29:09,490 --> 00:29:10,824 - OK. - Yeah. 634 00:29:10,824 --> 00:29:13,093 - I got it. - I keel you! With love. 635 00:29:19,100 --> 00:29:20,301 - And what is your job, Achimedes? 636 00:29:20,301 --> 00:29:21,903 - I am a god. 637 00:29:21,903 --> 00:29:24,272 - I didn't know that being a god was a job. 638 00:29:24,272 --> 00:29:26,374 - And I didn't know that talking to dolls was a job, 639 00:29:26,374 --> 00:29:30,111 but here we fricking are. 640 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:33,581 - So you're not dead? 641 00:29:33,581 --> 00:29:36,384 - No. I am immoral. 642 00:29:36,384 --> 00:29:38,019 - [chuckles] 643 00:29:38,019 --> 00:29:39,887 - What? - Immortal. 644 00:29:39,887 --> 00:29:43,558 - I-- what? I don't know that word in English. 645 00:29:43,558 --> 00:29:45,526 - It means you live forever. 646 00:29:45,526 --> 00:29:47,528 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 647 00:29:47,528 --> 00:29:49,597 - That's a thing? - Yeah. 648 00:29:49,597 --> 00:29:53,434 - I love this country so much! 649 00:29:53,434 --> 00:29:54,635 - But you're not dead. 650 00:29:54,635 --> 00:29:56,571 - No, I am not dead. Do I look dead? 651 00:29:56,571 --> 00:29:59,040 - Well, yes. - Silence! 652 00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:02,677 I love you. - [snorts] 653 00:30:02,677 --> 00:30:04,078 - I have to be honest. 654 00:30:04,078 --> 00:30:07,114 That "I love you" thing just feels wrong to me. 655 00:30:07,114 --> 00:30:08,482 - You're doing great. - OK. 656 00:30:08,482 --> 00:30:11,819 - If you're a Greek god, why are you here on Earth? 657 00:30:11,819 --> 00:30:14,088 - I don't know. 658 00:30:14,088 --> 00:30:17,992 We didn't talk about that. Stick to the script. 659 00:30:17,992 --> 00:30:18,960 - Just--just go with it. - What? 660 00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:20,761 - Just go with it, ad lib. 661 00:30:20,761 --> 00:30:22,496 - OK. 662 00:30:22,496 --> 00:30:24,732 - So, Achimedes, why are you here? 663 00:30:24,732 --> 00:30:28,703 - Uh, to play Powerball. 664 00:30:30,738 --> 00:30:32,707 - What? - Well, you said to ad lib. 665 00:30:32,707 --> 00:30:35,576 The jackpot is huge! 666 00:30:35,576 --> 00:30:39,880 And you know us Greek gods, we love to gamble. 667 00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:41,616 Right? - I don't know. 668 00:30:41,616 --> 00:30:44,719 - Damn it, just go with it! 669 00:30:44,719 --> 00:30:46,654 Quick, what's a good gambling game? 670 00:30:46,654 --> 00:30:48,289 - Uh, craps. 671 00:30:48,289 --> 00:30:50,491 - What? 672 00:30:50,491 --> 00:30:51,626 - Craps. - Are you kidding? 673 00:30:51,626 --> 00:30:52,727 - No. - That's a game? 674 00:30:52,727 --> 00:30:54,562 - Yeah, it's huge in Vegas. 675 00:30:54,562 --> 00:30:57,832 - Gross, OK. 676 00:30:57,832 --> 00:31:02,536 Yes, my favorite thing to do in Las Vegas is to take a crap. 677 00:31:02,536 --> 00:31:04,272 - No. 678 00:31:04,272 --> 00:31:05,773 - What? 679 00:31:07,408 --> 00:31:09,877 What? 680 00:31:09,877 --> 00:31:12,346 "Give a crap"? - No, no. 681 00:31:12,346 --> 00:31:15,049 - I don't give a crap. - No. 682 00:31:15,049 --> 00:31:18,986 "To play craps." - That's worse. 683 00:31:18,986 --> 00:31:23,090 You're like monkeys in a zoo. What the hell, dude? 684 00:31:23,090 --> 00:31:26,027 Hey, by the way, did you see my new friend? 685 00:31:26,027 --> 00:31:27,461 - Your new friend? - No. 686 00:31:27,461 --> 00:31:30,064 Uh, over there in the case. Get her out. 687 00:31:30,064 --> 00:31:32,166 - Over here? - Yeah. 688 00:31:32,166 --> 00:31:33,334 - OK. 689 00:31:33,334 --> 00:31:36,003 [crowd whooping] 690 00:31:39,740 --> 00:31:40,775 What--what is this? 691 00:31:40,775 --> 00:31:44,078 - Not what, who. 692 00:31:44,078 --> 00:31:47,615 - Sorry. - You'll hurt her feelings. 693 00:31:47,615 --> 00:31:49,150 It's my little sheep. 694 00:31:49,150 --> 00:31:50,818 - Oh. 695 00:31:50,818 --> 00:31:52,219 A ewe? 696 00:31:52,219 --> 00:31:53,688 - A what? 697 00:31:53,688 --> 00:31:55,089 - A ewe? 698 00:31:55,089 --> 00:32:01,329 - Yes, it's a-me. Are we a-speaking Italian now? 699 00:32:01,329 --> 00:32:02,430 - No, she's a ewe. 700 00:32:02,430 --> 00:32:03,764 - No, she's a-not a-me. 701 00:32:03,764 --> 00:32:07,168 I a-mean she's a her. 702 00:32:07,168 --> 00:32:10,204 - No, she is a ewe. - She is not a-me. 703 00:32:10,204 --> 00:32:12,740 What is a-wrong with a-you? 704 00:32:12,740 --> 00:32:13,908 - I don't know. 705 00:32:13,908 --> 00:32:15,409 What's wrong with the ewe? - What? 706 00:32:15,409 --> 00:32:16,744 - You just said there's something wrong with the ewe. 707 00:32:16,744 --> 00:32:18,879 - No, I didn't. I'm fine! 708 00:32:18,879 --> 00:32:20,114 - Not you, her. 709 00:32:20,114 --> 00:32:21,882 - You? What, now me? 710 00:32:21,882 --> 00:32:24,485 What the fuck? 711 00:32:25,886 --> 00:32:27,788 - [breathes deeply] 712 00:32:27,788 --> 00:32:29,690 A female sheep is a ewe. 713 00:32:29,690 --> 00:32:31,459 - No, she's a-not a-me, 714 00:32:31,459 --> 00:32:35,863 and stop a-making a-fun of the Italianos! 715 00:32:37,565 --> 00:32:38,766 - Can I pet your ewe? 716 00:32:38,766 --> 00:32:40,868 - [screams] 717 00:32:43,337 --> 00:32:45,940 Do not touch me! 718 00:32:45,940 --> 00:32:48,042 - Not you, that ewe. 719 00:32:48,042 --> 00:32:50,378 - What? - Your ewe has very nice wool. 720 00:32:50,378 --> 00:32:52,813 - What? 721 00:32:52,813 --> 00:32:56,083 And you are a pervert! 722 00:32:57,618 --> 00:32:59,286 - So otherwise, uh, how's it-- 723 00:32:59,286 --> 00:33:00,755 how's it going being a Greek god? 724 00:33:00,755 --> 00:33:01,789 - Actually, it's not too bad. 725 00:33:01,789 --> 00:33:02,823 - Really? - Yeah. 726 00:33:02,823 --> 00:33:04,158 It's so much fun being famous. 727 00:33:04,158 --> 00:33:05,259 - I bet. - Yeah. 728 00:33:05,259 --> 00:33:06,827 Folks now stop me on the street. 729 00:33:06,827 --> 00:33:09,930 They asked me for my autograph, they want to take selfies. 730 00:33:09,930 --> 00:33:11,031 - I would think that looking like you do, 731 00:33:11,031 --> 00:33:12,233 people would be afraid of you. 732 00:33:12,233 --> 00:33:15,202 - Of course they are. [chuckles] 733 00:33:15,202 --> 00:33:17,438 - Oh, so you're saying it's good being Achimedes. 734 00:33:17,438 --> 00:33:20,608 - Oh, no, no. They think I'm Nancy Pelosi. 735 00:33:32,286 --> 00:33:38,359 I mean, look at us! The resemblance is uncanny. 736 00:33:38,359 --> 00:33:40,795 - Achimedes. - [screams] 737 00:33:40,795 --> 00:33:43,964 I forgot you were here. 738 00:33:43,964 --> 00:33:45,366 I would like to do this act solo. 739 00:33:45,366 --> 00:33:47,168 - Really? - Yes, I do not need you. 740 00:33:47,168 --> 00:33:48,936 - Oh, I think you do, but you can do what-- 741 00:33:48,936 --> 00:33:53,874 [laughter] 742 00:33:59,613 --> 00:34:03,751 - Holy crap. 743 00:34:03,751 --> 00:34:06,987 Did my arm just fall off? 744 00:34:06,987 --> 00:34:08,589 - Yeah. - What are you doing? 745 00:34:08,589 --> 00:34:10,958 - Well, I got to kick it over into place. 746 00:34:10,958 --> 00:34:13,060 - Ow! You stepped on my pinkie. 747 00:34:13,060 --> 00:34:16,030 How the hell did I know that? - I don't know. 748 00:34:16,030 --> 00:34:17,000 I'm gonna have to get down on one knee. 749 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:17,798 I'm gonna have to get down on one knee. 750 00:34:17,798 --> 00:34:19,867 - [gasps] This is so sudden. 751 00:34:19,867 --> 00:34:21,302 - No. 752 00:34:25,473 --> 00:34:26,640 - Put it back. 753 00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:28,008 - All right, just hang on a second. 754 00:34:28,008 --> 00:34:30,244 - Come on. 755 00:34:30,244 --> 00:34:33,814 - I don't know how this goes in here. 756 00:34:33,814 --> 00:34:35,983 - That's what she said. 757 00:34:38,819 --> 00:34:41,722 - All right. OK. 758 00:34:41,722 --> 00:34:44,291 So I think the next thing-- 759 00:34:56,270 --> 00:34:58,038 - Son of a bitch, don't drop me. 760 00:34:58,038 --> 00:34:59,440 - I'm trying not to. 761 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:01,709 - Put 'em back! - I'm--I'm working on it. 762 00:35:01,709 --> 00:35:03,444 Here, let's put these here. 763 00:35:03,444 --> 00:35:08,115 - [screams] 764 00:35:08,115 --> 00:35:11,752 That does not go there! - Stop. 765 00:35:11,752 --> 00:35:15,155 - What the hell, dude? 766 00:35:15,155 --> 00:35:20,227 Look like I had a five-fingered wiener. 767 00:35:20,227 --> 00:35:22,997 I don't have that. - No. 768 00:35:22,997 --> 00:35:28,202 - But if I did, my underwear would fit like a glove. 769 00:35:31,005 --> 00:35:32,473 - [chuckles] 770 00:35:32,473 --> 00:35:36,176 - Put it back! - [laughs] I'm working on it. 771 00:35:36,176 --> 00:35:39,346 - And fix my feet, asshole. - OK. 772 00:35:39,346 --> 00:35:40,948 All right, there. All right, there's good. 773 00:35:40,948 --> 00:35:43,817 All right, here we go. 774 00:35:43,817 --> 00:35:46,253 - Son of a bitch! 775 00:35:46,253 --> 00:35:48,489 What am I, a fucking clock? 776 00:35:51,125 --> 00:35:54,061 I don't know if I'm coming or going. 777 00:35:54,061 --> 00:35:55,195 - OK, just sit still. 778 00:35:55,195 --> 00:35:57,298 - Take your hand off my wiener. 779 00:36:07,575 --> 00:36:09,510 What? 780 00:36:13,681 --> 00:36:14,982 - You--you don't have a-- 781 00:36:14,982 --> 00:36:17,985 - I know, I know, I know. 782 00:36:17,985 --> 00:36:21,221 It's not there. - OK. 783 00:36:21,221 --> 00:36:24,892 - I lost it in an explos... [grunting] 784 00:36:24,892 --> 00:36:29,997 ...sive game of poker. 785 00:36:29,997 --> 00:36:33,300 - [chuckles softly] You-- 786 00:36:33,300 --> 00:36:38,505 you lost-- - My wiener in a poker game. 787 00:36:38,505 --> 00:36:42,343 You should have seen the other guy. 788 00:36:46,189 --> 00:36:47,557 - So I was talking about Valentine's Day earlier. 789 00:36:47,557 --> 00:36:48,825 Do you do anything special on Valentine's Day? 790 00:36:48,825 --> 00:36:51,461 - I have a romantic dinner with my wives. 791 00:36:51,461 --> 00:36:53,663 - Oh, Greek gods have wives. 792 00:36:53,663 --> 00:36:55,198 - Yes, wives and virgins. 793 00:36:55,198 --> 00:36:59,802 - Mm. What's the difference? 794 00:36:59,802 --> 00:37:04,274 - I call it "graduation." 795 00:37:04,274 --> 00:37:07,243 - But don't you have one particular favorite sweetheart? 796 00:37:07,243 --> 00:37:08,845 - Well, it's not easy to say. 797 00:37:08,845 --> 00:37:10,580 - The one you like spending the most time with. 798 00:37:10,580 --> 00:37:12,582 - [gasps] Oh, yes, of course. 799 00:37:12,582 --> 00:37:14,784 She's the greatest of all time. 800 00:37:14,784 --> 00:37:18,388 - Ah, the greatest of all time. She's the G.O.A.T. 801 00:37:26,296 --> 00:37:32,202 - [bleating] Yes. 802 00:37:32,202 --> 00:37:33,403 - But, Achimedes, are there 803 00:37:33,403 --> 00:37:36,105 any actual people that you like? 804 00:37:36,105 --> 00:37:38,041 - Well... 805 00:37:38,041 --> 00:37:41,010 I like you. 806 00:37:41,010 --> 00:37:43,146 - Me? - Yeah. 807 00:37:43,146 --> 00:37:46,683 I think you are my best friend. 808 00:37:46,683 --> 00:37:48,051 - Well, thank you. 809 00:37:48,051 --> 00:37:50,253 - And isn't Valentine's Day when you say that? 810 00:37:50,253 --> 00:37:51,788 - Well, you can say that at any time but 811 00:37:51,788 --> 00:37:54,557 yeah, friends can be recognized on Valentine's Day too. 812 00:37:54,557 --> 00:37:56,593 - OK. And I-- 813 00:37:56,593 --> 00:37:59,896 I kinda need you. - Well, thank you. 814 00:37:59,896 --> 00:38:04,267 - I mean, 'cause otherwise I might fall off of this thing. 815 00:38:04,267 --> 00:38:06,169 - Right. - But it's more than that. 816 00:38:06,169 --> 00:38:07,303 - Thank you. 817 00:38:07,303 --> 00:38:09,305 And I feel the same way. 818 00:38:09,305 --> 00:38:12,976 - [softly] Thanks. 819 00:38:12,976 --> 00:38:16,512 ♪ I can't live ♪ 820 00:38:16,512 --> 00:38:19,782 ♪ If living is without you ♪ 821 00:38:19,782 --> 00:38:22,385 ♪ I can't live ♪ 822 00:38:22,385 --> 00:38:27,290 ♪ I can't give any more ♪ 823 00:38:27,290 --> 00:38:30,893 - [chuckles] 824 00:38:30,893 --> 00:38:32,729 - What are you laughing at? 825 00:38:32,729 --> 00:38:35,632 - Well, sometimes I ad lib myself into a corner, 826 00:38:35,632 --> 00:38:39,636 and don't quite know how to get out of it. 827 00:38:39,636 --> 00:38:41,571 So. 828 00:38:45,241 --> 00:38:46,609 - Yeah, it's a little awkward. 829 00:38:46,609 --> 00:38:48,611 - Little bit. - Yeah. 830 00:38:48,611 --> 00:38:50,747 - Uh, what was that song? - What? 831 00:38:50,747 --> 00:38:52,282 - What was the name of that song? 832 00:38:52,282 --> 00:38:54,350 - I don't--wait. 833 00:38:54,350 --> 00:38:56,185 How the hell do I know the lyrics to the song 834 00:38:56,185 --> 00:38:59,789 and you don't know the name? 835 00:38:59,789 --> 00:39:02,925 - I don't know. I--I-- I know it's from the '70s. 836 00:39:02,925 --> 00:39:07,697 - Well, thank you, Casey Kasem. 837 00:39:07,697 --> 00:39:09,165 What are you doing? - What's the name of that song? 838 00:39:09,165 --> 00:39:13,202 I got to-- 839 00:39:13,202 --> 00:39:14,304 I was right, it was Harry Nilsson. 840 00:39:14,304 --> 00:39:16,506 Uh, yeah, it was "Without You." 841 00:39:16,506 --> 00:39:20,576 - What are you doing? - I just--I don't know. 842 00:39:20,576 --> 00:39:22,812 Play "Without You" by Harry Nilsson. 843 00:39:22,812 --> 00:39:25,114 - You don't have the signal. That is never going to-- 844 00:39:25,114 --> 00:39:28,418 oh, you got-- [song playing] 845 00:39:28,418 --> 00:39:31,454 ♪ ♪ 846 00:39:31,454 --> 00:39:35,525 - ♪ No, I can't forget this evening ♪ 847 00:39:35,525 --> 00:39:39,329 ♪ Or your face as you were leaving ♪ 848 00:39:39,329 --> 00:39:41,264 ♪ But I guess that's just-- ♪ 849 00:39:41,264 --> 00:39:43,299 - Oh, look, the phones are coming out. 850 00:39:43,299 --> 00:39:46,502 It's going to be like a rock concert! 851 00:39:46,502 --> 00:39:49,572 - ♪ You always smile, but in your eyes ♪ 852 00:39:49,572 --> 00:39:51,341 - Look at that! - ♪ Your sorrow shows ♪ 853 00:39:51,341 --> 00:39:54,110 - You can do that, that's-- [laughs] 854 00:39:54,110 --> 00:39:57,814 - ♪ No, I can't forget tomorrow ♪ 855 00:39:57,814 --> 00:40:01,918 ♪ When I think of all my sorrows ♪ 856 00:40:01,918 --> 00:40:06,589 ♪ When I had you there but then I let you go ♪ 857 00:40:06,589 --> 00:40:09,459 - I love this. I think I'm going to cry! 858 00:40:09,459 --> 00:40:14,330 - ♪ And now it's only fair that I should let you know ♪ 859 00:40:14,330 --> 00:40:17,300 - OK, we're going to have to sing the chorus. 860 00:40:17,300 --> 00:40:20,303 Are you ready? Here it goes, everybody! 861 00:40:20,303 --> 00:40:24,407 - ♪ Oh ♪ 862 00:40:24,407 --> 00:40:28,511 [all singing] ♪ I can't live ♪ 863 00:40:28,511 --> 00:40:31,981 ♪ If living is without you ♪ 864 00:40:31,981 --> 00:40:35,551 ♪ I can't live ♪ 865 00:40:35,551 --> 00:40:39,255 ♪ I can't give any more ♪ 866 00:40:39,255 --> 00:40:43,292 ♪ I can't live ♪ 867 00:40:43,292 --> 00:40:46,529 ♪ If living is without you ♪ 868 00:40:46,529 --> 00:40:50,299 ♪ I can't give ♪ 869 00:40:50,299 --> 00:40:55,037 ♪ I can't give any more ♪ 870 00:40:55,037 --> 00:40:59,442 - Ah, that was fantastic! [cheers and applause] 871 00:40:59,442 --> 00:41:00,843 Say goodnight, Achimedes. 872 00:41:00,843 --> 00:41:04,647 - Thanks, Tampa Bay. I love you! 873 00:41:04,647 --> 00:41:07,817 [upbeat rock music] 874 00:41:07,817 --> 00:41:14,357 ♪ ♪ 875 00:41:14,357 --> 00:41:15,625 - You guys have been an awesome audience. 876 00:41:15,625 --> 00:41:17,293 Thanks for coming out. 877 00:41:17,293 --> 00:41:19,262 Happy Valentines Day, everybody. 878 00:41:20,688 --> 00:41:23,324 [upbeat rock music] 879 00:41:23,324 --> 00:41:30,432 ♪ ♪ 880 00:41:40,809 --> 00:41:43,411 [beeping] 881 00:41:47,015 --> 00:41:49,284 - ♪ MTV ♪