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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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- [audience cheering]
- [announcer] Gigglers, are you ready?
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Please welcome Hannah Berner!
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[audience cheering]
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["Sonata Slay" by Chris B. Harris playing]
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[audience continues cheering]
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What the fuck is up, Philadelphia?!
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[cheering]
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You little hoagie hoes, sit down!
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Oh, okay, church. [laughs]
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I do have to address, there was absolutely
no need to do the worm there.
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I don't know…
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I don't know why I did it,
but it happened.
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- [audience cheering]
- [Hannah] Thank you.
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You guys, I just turned 30.
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[audience cheering]
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Twenty-nine months ago.
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And I feel good.
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But society tries to scare the shit out
of you when you turn 30.
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They're like, if you're not fucking
your face with a jade roller.
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If you're not snorting lines of collagen.
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If you're not doing Pilates,
which is BDSM.
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If you're not putting snail mucin,
snail ejaculate all over your face.
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By the time you turn 30, they make
you feel like you're just gonna become…
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Joe Biden.
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I'm just kidding.
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Women can't be president.
That would be insane.
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And commercials are so cruel.
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Commercials are like,
"Do you have a fine line?"
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"Eww."
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"Do you have a gray hair?"
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"Disgusting."
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"Men are never
gonna notice you ever again."
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And I'm like, "That sounds… so peaceful."
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Just to be able to walk home at night
without a worry in the world?
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[audience cheering]
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I can't wait till I'm the age
that I'm just unkidnappable.
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How fucking freeing.
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But you know what's crazy. I'm 32.
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- [audience cheering]
- Thank you.
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And I've never been kidnapped once.
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And that's when you have to ask yourself,
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"Am I fucking ugly?"
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I'm not ugly, but I do have issues.
I do have issues.
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I have depression.
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[audience cheers]
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I have anxiety.
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[audience cheers]
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[laughs]
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I have chronic fatigue.
Any chronic fatigue girlies?
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[audience cheering]
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You do not have chronic fatigue.
She's like, "Yeah!"
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No, I went to the doctor,
and I was like, "I don't feel good."
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"I don't feel motivated.
What's wrong with me?"
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And he goes,
"You haven't drank water since 1994."
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And he's so fucking right.
I hate water. I think it's disgusting.
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He said I have to get
an emotional support water bottle.
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Girls nowadays,
they don't want a boyfriend.
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They just want a Stanley.
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But I think it's a conspiracy
that I have to drink so much water.
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You know, like,
male conspiracy theories is 9/11,
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the election,
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the clit.
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[audience laughs]
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It's girl conspiracy theories that we need
to drink gallons of water.
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What's a gallon? That's made up.
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Also, we look like pilgrims with pails.
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Walking around, it's like,
"You work from home, Stephanie."
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"You're not walking the Oregon Trail."
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[laughing]
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Does anyone drink black coffee?
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[woman shouts]
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Yeah, you like to get choked.
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Anyone drink Mountain Dew?
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[woman exclaims]
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I can see her glowing in the dark.
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That is liquid Chernobyl.
What are you doing?
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Does anyone drink Diet Coke?
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[audience cheering]
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You guys are all not okay.
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And no one's talking about it.
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Girls are running
around like… [screeching]
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My friend has six Diet Cokes a day.
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And I'm like, "Look, I'm not a doctor."
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"But I don't think that's good for you."
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And she's like, "What? There's no sugar."
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"There's no calories."
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And I'm like,
"Then what the fuck is in it?"
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'Cause heroin doesn't have sugar
or calories, and that's not great for you.
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I'm not saying Diet Coke is heroin,
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but I've never seen them
in the same room together.
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I wish the most essential liquid
was an espresso martini.
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- [audience cheers]
- Whoo-hoo!
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'Cause it's a triple threat, right?
It gets you drunk.
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It gets you hyper,
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and you will have diarrhea
at the end of the night.
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You are light as a feather
on the dance floor.
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You're like, "Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh!"
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[woman 2] $60 here.
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- You had a $60 espresso martini?
- [woman 2] Thirty each.
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- Thirty each.
- [woman 2] So we spent $60.
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Plus, the wage gap. I'm fucking fuming.
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[laughing]
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The girl in front was like,
"Look at my receipt."
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She's like, "Can I write this off?"
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- What's your name?
- Isis.
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Isis? Is it spelled the way
we are afraid it's spelled?
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But this was… Was this pre?
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She was before?
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So they copied her.
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That's like Hannah Montana and me.
I was first. Yeah.
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Wait. Isis copied your brand.
That's embarrassing for them.
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Get your own fucking brand.
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Do you… Do you have a nickname?
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No? That's horrible.
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[audience laughs]
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So someone will just be like,
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"Isis is coming,"
and they're like, "What?"
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Her middle name is Persephone.
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- Her middle name is Persephone?
- [woman 3] Persephone.
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[hesitates] Like Stephanie
with a purr in the beginning?
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- Purr-Stephanie.
- [woman 3] Persephone.
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What white trash shit
is going on right now?
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[laughing]
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That was good. That was good.
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That was really good.
You'll see it on Netflix. That was funny.
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[laughing]
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[sighs] Oh, guys.
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There's no easy way to segue this.
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But I've been really
into politics lately. [laughing]
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Now, look, regard… Thank you, one person.
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Regardless what you believe in,
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we all can agree it's been a little messy.
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The last 200 years.
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And I think we need a fresh perspective.
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And I think I can bring that perspective.
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[audience cheers]
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I like the group over here that's like,
"Let's wait to see what she says."
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[laughs] Actually, you're right.
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I don't know anything about politics,
but I know how to do research.
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I went on TikTok.
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[audience cheering]
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And I figured it out,
but I went to the hot topics, okay?
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I went to abortion.
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Do you know some people believe
that you should never have an abortion
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under any circumstances,
even if you're bloated.
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And the next one
I obviously went to was guns.
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Do you know some people believe
that guns don't kill people,
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people kill people?
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I have one edit.
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Guns don't kill people. Men kill people.
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- [chuckles]
- [audience cheers]
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And I'm not coming for the men.
I would never come for you.
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It's just a fact.
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90% of mass shootings, your boys.
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And the 2% who were women
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had a very legitimate reason
for what we did.
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[audience cheering]
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[laughing]
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The men are shaking. They're scared now.
They're like, "Get me the fuck out."
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Did you ever see the woman
who chopped her husband's dick off?
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[audience cheering]
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What did we all think?
We all went, "What did he do?"
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So this is the thing, people want guns.
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Fine. I just think we need
a little more gun safety,
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and then if I do the girl math,
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legally, the only people allowed
to have guns should be the girls.
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[cheering]
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We ride at dawn!
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[audience cheers]
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He's so scared. His hand is like…
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'Cause this is the thing,
when men snap, they shoot stuff.
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When a woman truly, truly, truly snaps,
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she gets bangs.
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and that's an assault on ourself.
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No one else is hurt.
It grows out in six months.
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You're good, babe.
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Also, like if I had a gun,
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I would lose it in my room.
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[audience laughs]
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Every five minutes, I'd be like,
"Where the… Where the fuck did I…?"
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"I was holding it all day.
Where did I put my…"
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"Can someone call my gun?
Where the fuck did I put my gun?"
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You get your gun. You're with your girls.
You're going out, and you're like,
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"What purse are you wearing
with your gun?"
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Then you go outside.
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You're holding your purse and your gun
and Starbucks and keys and tampons.
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You're like, "You're not shooting anyone.
You can barely hold anything."
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Your nails are like…
clap if you have long nails.
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Yeah, you can barely clap.
You're not shooting up a mall.
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[audience chuckles]
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And then you get in the Uber to go
to the bar, and the girls come out.
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And you're like, "Guns! We got our guns."
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And then you're like, "Oh, shoot!
I forgot my gun in the Uber."
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You're like, "Hold on."
You're like, "It's me again."
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"I left my light baby blue
Hailey Bieber Rhode Peptide revolver."
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Collab.
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Revolver is actually
the only gun that I know.
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And a musket.
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Imagine a bunch of hot girls with muskets.
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Like, "Hold on, my musket."
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[thudding]
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The musket keeps queefing. [grunts]
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No, you guys,
I thought this shit was so funny.
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Thought it was so funny,
so I posted it online.
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And some people were not happy with me.
No, no, no.
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One guy was like,
"It's not the shooter's fault."
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"It's the girl's fault."
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"They're not giving enough blowjobs."
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But I'm listening. I'm learning.
I said, "I hear you. I see you. New law!"
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"If you can't get a blowjob,
you can't get a gun."
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[cheering]
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If you really want a gun,
you have to go to the blowjob shop.
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You have to bring a girl to vouch for you.
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And I'm in charge, okay?
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But then one guy was, like, mad mad.
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He was like,
"It's not the shooter's fault."
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"It's the mom's fault."
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"She didn't raise him right."
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And I was like, "You are so right."
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"She didn't raise the shooter right."
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"She should have had an abortion."
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- [audience cheering and applauding]
- Thank you.
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What a polite abortion clap.
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[cheering]
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I'm gonna say something controversial
'cause you guys are fun.
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Yeah!
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Sex is not consistently
as good as society makes it seem.
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- [audience cheering, shouting]
- [women] Yeah!
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But I'm not talking about the lesbians.
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'Cause the lesbians, they're coming.
Okay, they're coming. They're coming.
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Are there any lesbians in the crowd?
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[cheering]
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They all just came. [laughs]
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I had to ask my friend who's a lesbian,
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I said, "How do you know
when the sex is done?"
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- [woman 4] You don't!
- [audience cheering]
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'Cause with a dude,
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you fucking know, okay?
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'Cause he'll be like, "Ooh!"
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I'm like, "What dribbled out of your dick
that you can't speak for four weeks?"
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"What happened?"
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To my, uh, loud lesbian correspondent.
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00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:22,992
How do you actually know when it's done?
Carpal tunnel?
246
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,453
Battery dies?
I love that she's standing up.
247
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:27,121
She's like, "This is my moment."
248
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,665
How do you know when it's done?
249
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,626
- [woman 5] You get very, very tired.
- You get very tired.
250
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:37,339
All the straight girls are like,
"What is going on?" [laughs]
251
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,427
She's like, "You've orgasmed so much
that your body is empty."
252
00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:44,764
"And then you just go up to heaven.
That's how you know when it's done."
253
00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:50,436
"Then you communicate with her afterwards
about your feelings. It's crazy."
254
00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:55,649
I'll tell you, sexuality is not a choice.
That's how you know.
255
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:58,652
[laughing]
256
00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:01,864
We need realistic sex in movies.
257
00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:05,409
That's where we get confused.
It's so unrealistic, these scenes.
258
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,912
It's always the same scene too.
It's two people.
259
00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:09,538
They bust down the door, right?
260
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,666
They just start going at it.
They're making out. They're breaking shit.
261
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:16,170
The guy will, like, kick over a lamp.
And I'm like, "Don't touch my home decor."
262
00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:18,756
[laughing]
263
00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:21,759
And then the guy
always picks the girl up, right?
264
00:13:21,842 --> 00:13:23,761
Why does he pick her up like that?
265
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:26,639
And he, like, puts her
on the counter. [grunts]
266
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,600
It's like, "First of all,
this is a studio apartment."
267
00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:31,143
"My bed is right here."
268
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:35,397
"Also, don't put me on my counter."
269
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,817
"My counter's disgusting."
270
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:41,570
"Forks, soy sauce, ketchup,
Con Ed bills, Invisalign."
271
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,948
"I don't want my own teeth marks
on my back."
272
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:48,702
Also, then you know,
when the P goes in the V in the movies.
273
00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:51,080
[sighs] There should be a nuance, right?
274
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:53,999
Like, there's an angle.
It's hard to just, like, go in, right?
275
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:56,335
In movies,
the guy will just unzip his jeans,
276
00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:58,504
look over here and go… [grunts]
277
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,298
And she's like… [squeals]
278
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:05,845
And I'm like, "The guy who wrote
this movie has never had sex before. "
279
00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:09,974
I want realistic sex in movies, you guys.
280
00:14:10,057 --> 00:14:12,434
- [laughs]
- [audience cheers]
281
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:18,399
For example, I queef all the time.
282
00:14:19,608 --> 00:14:22,736
And I've never heard one queef in a movie.
283
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,281
Zero queef representation in movies.
284
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,825
[audience cheering]
285
00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:28,742
Thank you.
286
00:14:30,327 --> 00:14:32,913
Also, when I say I'm queefing,
I'm farting.
287
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:34,623
[audience laughs]
288
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,375
But I'm telling him it's a queef.
289
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:39,837
'Cause men have absolutely
no clue what a queef is.
290
00:14:40,504 --> 00:14:43,883
If it doesn't smell, you're Gucci.
Get out of there. You got away with it.
291
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,262
Also, when I say I'm squirting,
I'm peeing.
292
00:14:57,187 --> 00:14:58,564
One more note about queefs.
293
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:03,611
Stop saying that I queefed.
294
00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:07,323
You queefed me, okay?
295
00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:18,500
And I know that for a fact
because I've never queefed alone.
296
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,169
[laughs]
297
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:23,297
You took your needle dick,
298
00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:26,842
and you started pumping me
with air like a basketball.
299
00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:30,512
Sorry you didn't realize
my pussy was so fucking tight
300
00:15:31,221 --> 00:15:34,433
that the air was gonna get trapped,
and you didn't anticipate that.
301
00:15:34,516 --> 00:15:37,728
But don't gaslight me
and tell me that I queefed
302
00:15:37,811 --> 00:15:42,066
when I know for a fact I laid there
and did absolutely nothing.
303
00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:45,194
[cheering]
304
00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:51,951
Doggy's crazy.
305
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,037
No, I like doggy because
306
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,664
you can text.
307
00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:58,832
[laughing]
308
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:01,585
But you kind of leave it up to him.
Like, he needs to figure it out.
309
00:16:01,669 --> 00:16:05,464
And that's when he always,
like, accidentally hits the wrong hole.
310
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,467
And you have to go, "No."
311
00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:13,555
But he's pretending like he's
in a dark elevator, clicking every button.
312
00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:17,559
Good thing our buttholes
have the reflexes of a ninja.
313
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:19,436
And they're like… [shouts]
314
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:20,938
[laughing]
315
00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:25,693
We need realistic sex in movies.
Like, you know when you're riding a guy.
316
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:29,238
Now, ladies, when you're riding a guy,
317
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:31,824
don't worry about
what's going on over here.
318
00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:35,953
You focus on him. He has 17 chins.
He's going through an exorcism.
319
00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:38,831
What, when you lean over,
you have a couple rolls?
320
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:41,625
Men can't tell when you cut
your hair eight inches, okay?
321
00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:45,254
- You do you.
- [audience cheering]
322
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:49,758
But you know when you're riding a guy…
323
00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:53,762
and you kind of lose your rhythm?
324
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,849
We were like, "Okay, we're a team."
325
00:16:57,599 --> 00:16:59,977
"Let's get this back.
Five, six, seven, eight."
326
00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:01,812
"And one and two and three and four."
327
00:17:04,481 --> 00:17:06,275
You know when
you're trying to go like this?
328
00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:10,237
But someone gets off, and next thing
you know, you're just going like this?
329
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:14,074
And then he hasn't been in you
for four minutes, and you're just like…
330
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:22,458
My favorite part though
is when you come up
331
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,960
and his dick falls out a little?
332
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,255
And then you snap it like a glow stick.
333
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,469
It hurts. It's scary.
334
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:36,180
Men, you need to speak up.
Stop suffering in silence.
335
00:17:36,263 --> 00:17:38,015
It's happening everywhere, okay?
336
00:17:38,932 --> 00:17:40,309
It's happening everywhere.
337
00:17:41,852 --> 00:17:43,312
What are dicks made out of?
338
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:45,898
You have no idea.
339
00:17:45,981 --> 00:17:48,609
- [woman 6] Disappointment.
- Disappointment. That's hilarious.
340
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:51,695
- What are dicks made out of, babe?
- [man] Collagen.
341
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:52,780
Collagen?
342
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:58,535
Honestly, men will say stuff
so confidently that I'm like, "Collagen."
343
00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:00,496
"He's right. He's right."
344
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:02,247
You know, actually, I don't care.
345
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:05,459
But I don't wanna snap his dick,
346
00:18:05,542 --> 00:18:06,919
but it's always so funny
347
00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:09,713
'cause they always make that noise,
you know?
348
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:12,299
'Cause they're scared.
I'm scared. We're all scared.
349
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,094
And he always goes… [gasps]
350
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,514
Then I'm like, "You queefed."
351
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:23,519
I queefed you. I queefed.
352
00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:25,437
[laughs] I queefed.
353
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,856
[laughing]
354
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,858
Anyone ever lost their virginity?
355
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,944
[audience cheering]
356
00:18:32,027 --> 00:18:33,779
Sluts, a bunch of sluts.
357
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:36,031
I actually lost it once.
358
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:38,992
And it was fucked up.
359
00:18:39,743 --> 00:18:42,579
It's fine that it was fucked up,
but no one warns you.
360
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:45,457
Society is like, "Oh, my God.
It's this beautiful coming of age."
361
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,251
"You become a woman."
362
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:49,461
And then a guy with a shrimp dick
363
00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:53,132
rips open your hymen.
364
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:59,096
There's blood everywhere,
and he goes, "Did you come?"
365
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:03,559
And I'm like, "Unless that's come,
I have no clue what just went down."
366
00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:06,895
And orgasming is hard.
367
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:11,191
Like, for a woman to orgasm,
for me specifically to orgasm--
368
00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:12,985
She's like, "Yeah.
What are you gonna say?"
369
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,571
My legs have to be perfectly straight.
370
00:19:17,072 --> 00:19:20,075
I have to have zero work emails
on my phone.
371
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,370
And I need to be alone.
372
00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:27,875
- Thank you.
- [audience cheering]
373
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:32,629
She's independent.
374
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,425
But shout out to my vibrator.
She does great work.
375
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:38,177
[audience cheering]
376
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,178
They're souped up.
377
00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:42,639
The technology nowadays,
you can storm a capitol with one of them.
378
00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:45,267
And actually get the job done.
379
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,854
Also, the kids are choking now.
380
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,732
Someone goes, "What?" She is.
381
00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:54,526
And this is my thing with choking.
382
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:58,488
How am I gonna come while I'm
also fighting for my life, you know?
383
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:02,159
I understand
some people want pain during sex,
384
00:20:02,242 --> 00:20:03,660
but if you wanna hurt me during sex,
385
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:07,664
just look me in the eye and say,
"I'm disappointed in you."
386
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:11,960
There are some men in the crowd,
which I don't love.
387
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:17,257
No, I'm fine with men being in the crowd
as long as they have a chaperone.
388
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:18,926
Where's your chaperone, sir? Good.
389
00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:20,260
- What's your name?
- [man 2] Eric.
390
00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:22,554
Eric with a C or K?
391
00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:24,681
C. Thank God.
I would have had you kicked out.
392
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:29,811
I like you at the… at the end.
What's your name, sir?
393
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:32,314
- [man 3] Kevin.
- Kevin. With a K?
394
00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:37,486
Interesting. Oh, he's coming.
395
00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:40,239
[laughing]
396
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:43,992
So what I love about Kevin,
you have a beard,
397
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:46,161
a mustache, glasses, and a hat.
398
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:47,746
Are you in Witness Protection?
399
00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:49,790
What did you do?
400
00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:51,875
- Nothing.
- [Hannah] Nothing.
401
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:53,961
That's what someone
who did something would say.
402
00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:56,505
I'll follow up with you later.
403
00:20:58,048 --> 00:20:59,132
Who's single?
404
00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:01,593
[audience cheering]
405
00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:07,015
We know Isis is single.
406
00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:09,893
Can you imagine the dating apps?
407
00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:10,978
Like, what the…?
408
00:21:11,478 --> 00:21:13,939
He's like, "Who's outside?"
She's like, "Isis!"
409
00:21:14,022 --> 00:21:16,024
[audience laughs]
410
00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:19,111
- But you're single?
- [woman 7] Yes.
411
00:21:19,194 --> 00:21:22,072
- You're single. Are you on the apps?
- [woman 7] I am. Yes.
412
00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:23,323
Which apps?
413
00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:25,617
- Hinge and Bumble.
- [Hannah] Hinge and Bumble.
414
00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:28,245
- It's a scary place.
- [Hannah] It's a scary place. No, it is.
415
00:21:28,328 --> 00:21:29,496
Hinge is crazy.
416
00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:34,501
'Cause Hinge, it asks questions.
You can see people's personalities.
417
00:21:34,584 --> 00:21:38,255
And I like when guys,
like, brag on not-braggy questions.
418
00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:40,424
You know, when they're like,
"What's your hobby?"
419
00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,676
and he goes, "I'm a jet-setter."
420
00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:46,138
"I travel the globe."
421
00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:50,642
"Don't hit me up
unless you wanna see the world."
422
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:54,980
I'm like, "Brad, you went to Panama City
Beach once during spring break."
423
00:21:55,063 --> 00:21:56,857
"Shut the fuck up."
424
00:22:00,193 --> 00:22:03,238
I have really bad taste in men,
but it was never my fault.
425
00:22:03,780 --> 00:22:07,367
And it was never their fault.
It was Disney's fault.
426
00:22:08,285 --> 00:22:12,789
Disney teaches you to be attracted
to the douchiest, most narcissistic guys.
427
00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:14,499
It's never the nice guy.
428
00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:17,711
It's the guy coming in on a horse
with a stupid hairdo, like a prince.
429
00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:19,338
Doesn't shut up.
430
00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:22,174
Actually, name a Disney prince
in the front.
431
00:22:22,257 --> 00:22:24,551
You can yell it out,
and I'll tell you why he's the worst.
432
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:25,469
[woman 8] Eric!
433
00:22:25,552 --> 00:22:28,513
- Prince Eric wanted to fuck a fish. Next.
- [woman 9] Aladdin!
434
00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:32,517
Okay, Aladdin was hot. [laughs]
435
00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:36,521
Don't love the illegal pet monkey,
but he did pull off purple.
436
00:22:37,564 --> 00:22:40,192
But Aladdin was kind of
like that guy on Hinge.
437
00:22:40,275 --> 00:22:43,862
He was like, "Jasmin, I'm gonna show you
the world on my magic carpet."
438
00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:48,075
He showed her a four-block radius,
lied to her face.
439
00:22:48,658 --> 00:22:50,327
Sandoval, honestly.
440
00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:56,416
- Who's another prince?
- [shouting]
441
00:22:56,500 --> 00:22:58,960
Oh, Hercules has ED. Um…
442
00:23:00,462 --> 00:23:04,007
Raising awareness.
Prince Charming. Okay, Prince Charming.
443
00:23:04,591 --> 00:23:07,260
Who nicknames themself Prince Charming?
444
00:23:07,344 --> 00:23:08,595
What a little douche.
445
00:23:10,138 --> 00:23:14,017
Then he throws a party with all the women
in the kingdom, right, for himself.
446
00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:18,730
Does a beeline for the girl
who's so blackout, she lost her shoe.
447
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,484
Tells her he loves her that night.
448
00:23:22,567 --> 00:23:25,237
Next morning, can't find her
when she doesn't have makeup on.
449
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,531
He's like, "Where'd she go?
I don't recognize her."
450
00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:29,825
Then takes her shoe
451
00:23:29,908 --> 00:23:32,869
and puts it on every single girl's foot
in the kingdom.
452
00:23:32,953 --> 00:23:35,622
Go on WikiFeet like a normal person
with a foot fetish, okay?
453
00:23:35,705 --> 00:23:37,165
Leave these women alone!
454
00:23:38,875 --> 00:23:40,544
- Who else?
- [women shouting]
455
00:23:40,627 --> 00:23:41,795
Okay, Simba.
456
00:23:43,046 --> 00:23:46,591
You guys, don't turn on me.
Simba was a fuckboy.
457
00:23:48,176 --> 00:23:51,304
Simba was such a fuckboy.
First of all, Nala's his cousin.
458
00:23:52,973 --> 00:23:54,516
And he kept, like, hitting on her,
459
00:23:54,599 --> 00:23:58,061
and finally, she was like,
"Okay, Simba, like, I like you."
460
00:23:58,145 --> 00:24:00,897
And he's like, "Whoa. I need to focus
on my career becoming king
461
00:24:00,981 --> 00:24:03,275
because my dad fucked me up. Mm."
462
00:24:08,071 --> 00:24:12,993
Who else? Gaston's obvious.
That's your fault if you fell for Gaston.
463
00:24:13,743 --> 00:24:16,329
- [woman 10] Shrek! Shrek!
- Who-- Shrek. [laughs]
464
00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:22,836
Look, Shrek is ugly hot.
I would… sit on his face.
465
00:24:24,212 --> 00:24:25,088
[laughs]
466
00:24:26,923 --> 00:24:28,008
Who else?
467
00:24:28,091 --> 00:24:29,426
[audience shouting]
468
00:24:29,509 --> 00:24:33,680
Flynn Rider sounds like a lacrosse player
who did give me chlamydia.
469
00:24:33,763 --> 00:24:35,515
[laughing]
470
00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:37,350
John Smith was a colonizer.
471
00:24:39,394 --> 00:24:41,605
Oh, you guys got tight on that?
That's crazy.
472
00:24:43,190 --> 00:24:45,901
- [woman 11] Captain Hook!
- Captain Hook.
473
00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:48,862
Why do I just get turned on?
474
00:24:50,113 --> 00:24:52,240
He just has a rabbit attached to his hand.
475
00:24:54,284 --> 00:24:56,286
[laughing]
476
00:24:58,371 --> 00:25:01,416
I'll end with the Beast.
I'll end with the Beast.
477
00:25:02,083 --> 00:25:03,793
I'm a Beast apologist.
478
00:25:04,961 --> 00:25:06,004
I'm a Beast apologist.
479
00:25:06,087 --> 00:25:09,925
They try to make the Beast like
he's this disgusting, horrible monster.
480
00:25:10,425 --> 00:25:11,885
The Beast is 6'4".
481
00:25:16,014 --> 00:25:17,599
Pulls off capris.
482
00:25:19,309 --> 00:25:21,603
Looks like Travis Kelce.
483
00:25:24,731 --> 00:25:28,068
He's a homeowner
with a mansion and a library.
484
00:25:29,778 --> 00:25:32,697
That's old money. That's "fuck you" money.
485
00:25:33,990 --> 00:25:35,992
I know some
of you guys are like, "Hannah."
486
00:25:36,952 --> 00:25:38,662
"He was super controlling."
487
00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:41,373
"He never let her leave the house."
488
00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:44,918
That's my literal dream.
489
00:25:46,127 --> 00:25:47,295
To never leave a mansion
490
00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:51,591
and have gay utensils
getting me food the entire time!
491
00:25:53,009 --> 00:25:55,637
[cheering]
492
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,389
Hi, zaddy in the blue.
493
00:25:58,098 --> 00:26:01,142
There's a beautiful bald man right here.
Is that your man?
494
00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:02,727
Is that your man?
495
00:26:03,562 --> 00:26:06,106
I'm so jealous of bald men.
496
00:26:06,189 --> 00:26:10,819
It is so shimmery and beautiful,
like a… like a baby dolphin, okay?
497
00:26:10,902 --> 00:26:16,199
I'm so jealous of bald men,
'cause why can't my pussy be that smooth?
498
00:26:16,283 --> 00:26:19,119
It's ingrowns.
I needed a Weedwacker to get here.
499
00:26:19,202 --> 00:26:20,537
I'm half-Italian, okay?
500
00:26:21,663 --> 00:26:23,623
And it's not fair. It's not fair.
501
00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:26,001
'Cause when men are hairy,
you know, it's fine.
502
00:26:26,084 --> 00:26:27,752
You know, they call 'em bears.
503
00:26:28,461 --> 00:26:30,297
You know what
they call girls who are hairy?
504
00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:32,799
Single. And it's not cool.
It's not feminist.
505
00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:36,469
- Where'd you two meet?
- [woman 12] It's my dad.
506
00:26:36,553 --> 00:26:38,847
Oh, it's your dad. [laughing]
507
00:26:46,730 --> 00:26:47,981
Ladies. [laughing]
508
00:26:48,064 --> 00:26:50,066
[audience cheering]
509
00:26:52,152 --> 00:26:53,612
[laughing]
510
00:27:01,578 --> 00:27:02,787
Perfect segue.
511
00:27:04,956 --> 00:27:06,791
I actually got married, you guys.
I got married.
512
00:27:06,875 --> 00:27:09,044
[audience cheering]
513
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:16,092
It's super off-brand for me.
I got married, but it's to an older man.
514
00:27:16,176 --> 00:27:18,345
[audience cheering]
515
00:27:18,428 --> 00:27:20,263
A zaddy, if you will.
516
00:27:21,848 --> 00:27:25,143
And I love an older man.
I love an older man.
517
00:27:25,226 --> 00:27:27,395
Because they are so tired.
518
00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:31,441
They're exhausted.
They're not chasing women on the street.
519
00:27:31,524 --> 00:27:33,276
They're on the verge of arthritis.
520
00:27:34,402 --> 00:27:36,780
You get in a fight with them,
five minutes in, they're like,
521
00:27:36,863 --> 00:27:39,866
"Yeah, whatever you want."
'Cause they wanna go to sleep.
522
00:27:39,949 --> 00:27:42,077
I love that about him.
He's not going out at night.
523
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,412
The only thing going anywhere
is his hairline.
524
00:27:45,914 --> 00:27:47,415
And I love that, clearly.
525
00:27:49,167 --> 00:27:53,171
If you wanna meet an older man,
go to a Walgreens.
526
00:27:54,047 --> 00:27:55,757
Go to the Advil section.
527
00:27:56,508 --> 00:27:58,343
Put some in the palm
of your hand and just go…
528
00:27:58,426 --> 00:28:00,428
[clicks tongue]
529
00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:03,556
They'll limp over like delicate pigeons.
530
00:28:04,516 --> 00:28:05,475
Adorable.
531
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:10,563
We actually… We got engaged in six months.
532
00:28:11,189 --> 00:28:14,359
Yeah. Because he doesn't
have a lot of time left.
533
00:28:15,944 --> 00:28:18,238
I had a bachelorette. It was pretty crazy.
534
00:28:20,448 --> 00:28:22,992
But bachelorettes, they're intense,
you know, right?
535
00:28:23,076 --> 00:28:24,494
I feel like bachelor parties,
536
00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:26,454
all the guys do
is see a quarter of a nipple,
537
00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:29,249
and they're like,
"It was the greatest weekend of my life."
538
00:28:30,875 --> 00:28:33,169
I think bachelorettes are cults.
539
00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:35,004
[woman 13] Yeah, for sure.
540
00:28:35,088 --> 00:28:37,549
And if you're quiet right now,
you're in one.
541
00:28:38,633 --> 00:28:40,927
'Cause think about it.
Stephanie chooses you
542
00:28:41,970 --> 00:28:43,847
to be a part of something bigger.
543
00:28:45,056 --> 00:28:47,600
And then she takes you
to an undisclosed location.
544
00:28:47,684 --> 00:28:49,102
Scottsdale, Arizona.
545
00:28:50,311 --> 00:28:53,314
You're dehydrated. You're sunburned.
You're scared. You're blackout.
546
00:28:53,398 --> 00:28:56,025
You've lost $2,000.
You've also lost your job.
547
00:28:57,652 --> 00:29:01,072
If you even look at another bridesmaid
and you're, like…
548
00:29:01,656 --> 00:29:02,782
Isn't this a lot?
549
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:07,871
She'll be like,
"Do you not support Stephanie?"
550
00:29:08,830 --> 00:29:10,206
And I'm like, "No, no, no, no."
551
00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:12,375
"I'm here for Stephanie.
I support Stephanie."
552
00:29:13,126 --> 00:29:16,463
And then you have to give speeches
every night about how great Stephanie is.
553
00:29:16,546 --> 00:29:19,215
I'm like, "This is Stephanie's
third marriage. I'm exhausted."
554
00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:21,676
"We're running out of stories, Steph."
555
00:29:23,595 --> 00:29:26,222
And then she makes you
all wear the same bikinis,
556
00:29:26,306 --> 00:29:29,267
even though we all have
different body types. That's abuse.
557
00:29:30,393 --> 00:29:33,188
We have to wear shirts that say,
like, "bitch, bride, tribe, cunt."
558
00:29:33,271 --> 00:29:34,773
I'm like, "How did we get here?"
559
00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:39,611
What I'm trying to say
is Scientology started in Charleston,
560
00:29:39,694 --> 00:29:41,321
and no one talks about it.
561
00:29:44,324 --> 00:29:46,409
- Nobody talks about it.
- [cell phone chiming]
562
00:29:46,493 --> 00:29:47,410
Oh! [laughs]
563
00:29:47,494 --> 00:29:48,578
Take your birth control.
564
00:29:48,661 --> 00:29:50,872
[laughing]
565
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:52,540
Speaking of birth control,
566
00:29:54,292 --> 00:29:57,629
I, um, hooked up with my husband
on our wedding night.
567
00:29:59,214 --> 00:30:02,926
Yeah. Did anyone-- did anyone
not hook up on their wedding night?
568
00:30:04,260 --> 00:30:05,595
Kevin, what happened?
569
00:30:07,472 --> 00:30:11,476
You what? You were--
or you were running from the police.
570
00:30:13,895 --> 00:30:16,189
So you guys played hard to get
on your wedding night.
571
00:30:16,272 --> 00:30:18,274
You were like, "Figure it out tomorrow."
572
00:30:19,609 --> 00:30:21,861
What were you drinking?
What's your drink of choice, Kevin?
573
00:30:21,945 --> 00:30:22,779
[Kevin] Beer.
574
00:30:22,862 --> 00:30:25,740
- Beer.
- [Kevin speaks indistinctly]
575
00:30:25,824 --> 00:30:28,952
- You what? You took a what?
- [Kevin speaks indistinctly]
576
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:30,537
A dick pill.
577
00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:32,038
You took a dick pill?
578
00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:35,583
Kevin, I didn't ask about this.
I don't wanna know that.
579
00:30:36,167 --> 00:30:37,502
I asked about your beer.
580
00:30:38,294 --> 00:30:40,463
[laughing]
581
00:30:40,547 --> 00:30:43,216
So you were just
passed out with a rock-hard dick.
582
00:30:44,884 --> 00:30:47,470
And she's like, "Get it--
stop poking me with that."
583
00:30:51,599 --> 00:30:55,311
When did you take the dick pill
in the night? I just wanna know.
584
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:57,564
- [Kevin] At noon.
- At noon?
585
00:30:59,899 --> 00:31:01,651
So you were on the altar just like…
586
00:31:02,652 --> 00:31:04,988
[laughing]
587
00:31:05,071 --> 00:31:09,117
Wait, so you planned
to have a crazy, rip-roaring night
588
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:10,869
of seven hours of sex
589
00:31:10,952 --> 00:31:13,288
and you had two beers,
and you were like… [speaks gibberish]
590
00:31:13,371 --> 00:31:15,164
[laughing]
591
00:31:15,248 --> 00:31:18,167
You know, I support men taking pills.
592
00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:22,380
Because we're taking birth control,
Lexapro, Xanax.
593
00:31:22,463 --> 00:31:23,923
Take one fucking dick pill.
594
00:31:26,968 --> 00:31:30,138
Honestly, I think I had sex
on my wedding night 'cause he's sober.
595
00:31:30,221 --> 00:31:32,849
So he was ready to go,
but I realized on my wedding night
596
00:31:33,391 --> 00:31:37,103
that I hadn't taken my birth control
in two weeks.
597
00:31:37,937 --> 00:31:41,190
- And my friend Paige. You guys know Paige.
- [audience cheering]
598
00:31:43,318 --> 00:31:45,403
So she blacked out at my wedding.
599
00:31:45,486 --> 00:31:48,031
Stumbled over to me
with her long little fingers.
600
00:31:48,740 --> 00:31:49,699
And she was like,
601
00:31:49,782 --> 00:31:51,951
"You're gonna get pregnant
on your wedding night."
602
00:31:53,411 --> 00:31:57,373
And you know when,
like, you can't not believe her?
603
00:31:57,457 --> 00:32:01,127
'Cause if you do, you're like, "Why didn't
I fucking listen to that blackout bitch?"
604
00:32:02,795 --> 00:32:06,507
I am so bad with my birth control.
I'll miss two days, I'll take four.
605
00:32:07,592 --> 00:32:09,594
I miss five days, I'll take seven.
606
00:32:10,386 --> 00:32:13,932
I'll miss a week, and I'll just put one
up my butthole. I'm like, "I'm on track."
607
00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:17,685
Does anyone cheat with an IUD?
608
00:32:17,769 --> 00:32:19,395
- Do you have an IUD?
- [woman 14] Yes.
609
00:32:19,479 --> 00:32:21,814
What kind do you have?
Copper, silver, rose gold?
610
00:32:21,898 --> 00:32:23,650
- [woman 14] Kyleena.
- Kyleena.
611
00:32:23,733 --> 00:32:28,780
Why is it always a hot girl's name?
It's like, "Kyleena." "Mirela."
612
00:32:29,822 --> 00:32:30,949
Did it hurt?
613
00:32:31,032 --> 00:32:33,159
- [woman 14] Worst of my life.
- Ooh!
614
00:32:33,242 --> 00:32:35,828
I feel like they don't warn you
how much it hurts.
615
00:32:35,912 --> 00:32:39,499
I feel like a doctor takes a paperclip,
and it's like, "Hold on one second."
616
00:32:39,582 --> 00:32:41,417
[shouts] Walk it off.
617
00:32:42,627 --> 00:32:46,214
When men get vasectomies,
they get airlifted to the Bahamas.
618
00:32:47,215 --> 00:32:50,718
A nurse is cupping his balls.
She's like, "You're doing amazing."
619
00:32:51,552 --> 00:32:54,681
"Cough if you need. I'll feed you grapes."
620
00:32:57,475 --> 00:33:00,228
So I realize the night
of my wedding… [exhales]
621
00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:02,730
…that, um, I was ovulating.
622
00:33:02,814 --> 00:33:04,941
I'll explain what that is
to you later, Kevin.
623
00:33:06,734 --> 00:33:09,612
And the next morning,
I was like, "I need to wake this guy up."
624
00:33:09,696 --> 00:33:10,905
"We have a problem."
625
00:33:11,906 --> 00:33:13,950
He's old, so whenever I wake him up,
I'm always like,
626
00:33:14,659 --> 00:33:15,785
"Are you alive?"
627
00:33:19,288 --> 00:33:21,082
He's like, "What?" [exhales]
628
00:33:21,165 --> 00:33:23,459
I'm like, "Do you wanna have a baby?"
629
00:33:24,544 --> 00:33:27,797
And he's like, "I kind of
wanna travel for two to three years."
630
00:33:28,881 --> 00:33:32,593
And I'm like, "You're 47.
Where the fuck haven't you been?"
631
00:33:33,594 --> 00:33:35,430
You wanna go to Mars, Jeff Bezos?
632
00:33:35,513 --> 00:33:38,182
Like, who do you think you are?
Carmen Sandiego?
633
00:33:39,142 --> 00:33:42,812
I go, "You know what?
Let's travel to Walgreens,
634
00:33:42,895 --> 00:33:46,107
your favorite place,
'cause I need to get Plan B."
635
00:33:47,066 --> 00:33:49,986
Now, I don't care how many times
you've been to this Walgreens,
636
00:33:50,069 --> 00:33:51,362
when you go for Plan B,
637
00:33:51,446 --> 00:33:54,449
you've never seen
this establishment before.
638
00:33:54,532 --> 00:33:57,618
It's dark. It's haunted.
It smells different.
639
00:33:57,702 --> 00:33:59,746
You're full main-character energy
when you walk in.
640
00:33:59,829 --> 00:34:01,622
You're always like… [sighs]
641
00:34:02,999 --> 00:34:05,293
How can I get pregnant
as a teenager? [sighs]
642
00:34:06,919 --> 00:34:08,504
What am I gonna do? [exhales]
643
00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:13,593
And then you go up to the guy
who hates you, and you're like,
644
00:34:15,053 --> 00:34:16,345
"Do you have Plan B?"
645
00:34:17,597 --> 00:34:20,767
And he's like, "What?"
And you're like, "Plan B."
646
00:34:21,768 --> 00:34:22,894
He's like, "Hold on one sec."
647
00:34:23,686 --> 00:34:25,897
"Disheveled girl in aisle six
648
00:34:26,564 --> 00:34:29,400
is irresponsible with her pussy lips."
649
00:34:30,359 --> 00:34:32,528
"And she needs Plan B."
650
00:34:32,612 --> 00:34:35,198
And he's like, "Let's go
to the family planning aisle."
651
00:34:35,281 --> 00:34:38,576
And I'm like, "No, no, no.
I need the family unplanning aisle."
652
00:34:40,661 --> 00:34:45,458
And then you get there,
and it's locked up like Fort Knox.
653
00:34:45,541 --> 00:34:48,419
They're locking up everything nowadays,
like multivitamins.
654
00:34:48,503 --> 00:34:50,963
Who's tweaking on a multivitamin?
655
00:34:53,049 --> 00:34:56,427
And then he tries to open it up
and you're like, "Be quiet about it."
656
00:34:56,511 --> 00:35:00,098
And then he takes, like, a power tool,
and he's like… [shouting]
657
00:35:00,723 --> 00:35:03,768
Um… and then he gives it to you,
658
00:35:03,851 --> 00:35:05,853
and you're like,
"Thank you. I'm a teenager."
659
00:35:07,396 --> 00:35:09,899
And then when you go outside
to open it up,
660
00:35:10,608 --> 00:35:13,194
it has seven layers
661
00:35:13,277 --> 00:35:16,989
of the hardest plastic
I've ever seen in my life.
662
00:35:17,949 --> 00:35:19,951
And I don't walk around with a chainsaw.
663
00:35:20,034 --> 00:35:21,661
[sighs]
664
00:35:21,744 --> 00:35:24,080
I'm trying to get rid of my maybe-baby.
665
00:35:25,832 --> 00:35:28,459
Anyway, that's how I lost my virginity.
It was crazy.
666
00:35:32,755 --> 00:35:34,215
That's the thing with an older man.
667
00:35:34,298 --> 00:35:38,261
He is-- he is deteriorating emotionally
and physically,
668
00:35:38,344 --> 00:35:39,679
which is the goal.
669
00:35:41,013 --> 00:35:43,558
Like, before we got married,
he really annoyed me
670
00:35:43,641 --> 00:35:46,477
because we went
to a fancy Italian restaurant.
671
00:35:46,561 --> 00:35:49,105
This small restaurant.
I ordered a burrata.
672
00:35:49,188 --> 00:35:50,857
Do you guys have burrata in Philly?
673
00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:52,525
[audience cheering]
674
00:35:52,608 --> 00:35:55,903
Oh, I love burrata.
Three things better than sex.
675
00:35:55,987 --> 00:35:57,071
Burrata.
676
00:35:57,697 --> 00:35:59,615
Q-tip in your ear,
677
00:36:00,783 --> 00:36:02,952
'cause it's naughty. [laughs]
678
00:36:03,035 --> 00:36:05,371
And revenge. I fucking love revenge.
679
00:36:08,207 --> 00:36:10,877
So, I ordered the burrata.
I open it up. It's like… [squelches]
680
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:12,044
You know… [squelches]
681
00:36:13,212 --> 00:36:16,674
He looks at me,
and he's like, "I think I'm gonna faint."
682
00:36:18,009 --> 00:36:21,304
And I'm like, "I know.
This burrata is so good." [laughs]
683
00:36:22,638 --> 00:36:26,100
And he's like, "No, like,
could you call an ambulance?"
684
00:36:26,893 --> 00:36:29,687
And you know
when that's just, like, not the vibe?
685
00:36:31,606 --> 00:36:32,565
I start Googling.
686
00:36:32,648 --> 00:36:34,859
I'm like, "How do
you even call an ambulance?"
687
00:36:35,359 --> 00:36:39,113
Is there, like, a quiet ambulance
or, like, a Zoom or, like, a telehealth?
688
00:36:39,780 --> 00:36:41,991
And he's like,
"Can you just get the waitress?"
689
00:36:42,491 --> 00:36:47,496
And I'm like, "I'm not getting other
people involved in your shit right now."
690
00:36:48,623 --> 00:36:52,084
And finally, he hails down the waitress,
and she starts freaking out.
691
00:36:52,168 --> 00:36:55,254
She starts calling.
She's like, "911, a man needs 911!"
692
00:36:55,338 --> 00:36:57,465
Everyone in the restaurant's upset.
They're getting up.
693
00:36:57,548 --> 00:36:58,758
Some people are fanning him.
694
00:36:58,841 --> 00:37:01,219
He's loving the attention.
He's like… [panting]
695
00:37:02,511 --> 00:37:04,013
Then, for the ambulance people to come,
696
00:37:04,096 --> 00:37:07,391
they had to, like,
take the table away with my burrata.
697
00:37:09,268 --> 00:37:10,937
And I'm like, "Okay."
698
00:37:11,938 --> 00:37:15,691
We also have to pay for this food,
and I forgot my wallet in my other coat.
699
00:37:17,068 --> 00:37:18,361
So I was like, "Babe."
700
00:37:20,905 --> 00:37:21,739
"Babe."
701
00:37:24,533 --> 00:37:26,160
"Babe, I need your wallet."
702
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:30,498
He popped up, and he's like, "I'm fucking
dying here. You need my fucking wallet?"
703
00:37:30,581 --> 00:37:33,417
And the guy next to him is like,
"Don't speak to your daughter like that."
704
00:37:40,508 --> 00:37:42,468
I'm like, "Thanks, Dad."
705
00:37:43,302 --> 00:37:46,514
"We need to leave a hefty tip
after the shit you pulled tonight."
706
00:37:48,683 --> 00:37:50,434
And then the EMT lady came,
707
00:37:50,518 --> 00:37:53,354
and she knew exactly what was going on.
708
00:37:54,272 --> 00:37:55,606
I looked at her. She looked at me.
709
00:37:55,690 --> 00:37:59,151
He was having
an amateur-hour panic attack.
710
00:38:00,486 --> 00:38:02,196
Now, as a hot girl,
711
00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:05,491
that's just how we wake up
in the morning, okay?
712
00:38:06,033 --> 00:38:09,453
I've had four panic attacks
on stage tonight.
713
00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:13,249
And you know what we do?
We suck it the fuck up!
714
00:38:13,332 --> 00:38:16,335
[cheering]
715
00:38:16,419 --> 00:38:19,255
But it's not men's fault, okay?
716
00:38:19,338 --> 00:38:22,758
'Cause if they feel
any emotion besides anger, they're like…
717
00:38:23,467 --> 00:38:25,052
[voice breaks] "Could you call 911?"
718
00:38:28,055 --> 00:38:31,434
So she looked at him, and she was like,
"You know, you're gonna be fine."
719
00:38:31,517 --> 00:38:33,853
"Um, are you nervous about anything?"
720
00:38:34,603 --> 00:38:38,524
And he was like, "I am nervous
about getting married in a couple months."
721
00:38:39,275 --> 00:38:41,652
And I was like,
"Oh, now we're playing the blame game."
722
00:38:43,154 --> 00:38:45,614
And she's like, "Look,
you don't have to go to the hospital."
723
00:38:45,698 --> 00:38:49,076
"Stop drinking so much Diet Coke.
Drink the water, breathe."
724
00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:50,411
"You're gonna be fine."
725
00:38:50,494 --> 00:38:54,582
He's like, "Yeah, okay, I don't have to
go to the hospital. I feel better."
726
00:38:54,665 --> 00:38:57,293
And I'm like, "This is so embarrassing."
727
00:38:58,127 --> 00:39:00,921
So everyone goes back to their seat,
and I'm like, "What is he gonna do?"
728
00:39:01,005 --> 00:39:03,090
Like, "How is he gonna get out of this?"
729
00:39:03,632 --> 00:39:08,220
This man stands up, and he goes,
"It wasn't the food. Have a good night."
730
00:39:09,472 --> 00:39:11,974
And I'm like, "Did he just have a closer?"
731
00:39:18,230 --> 00:39:20,191
My dad thinks I'm on my phone too much.
732
00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:24,278
He's like, "You're addicted to your phone.
You're always on your phone."
733
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:26,072
I'm like, "Dad,
you're always on your phone."
734
00:39:26,155 --> 00:39:29,992
"'Cause you text with your index finger.
It takes you fucking forever."
735
00:39:31,452 --> 00:39:33,621
I'm on TikTok a lot. I am. I'm on TikTok.
736
00:39:34,121 --> 00:39:36,791
What's interesting to me,
who's not on TikTok?
737
00:39:38,834 --> 00:39:42,838
Okay, why are you not on TikTok?
Are you afraid to know who you really are?
738
00:39:42,922 --> 00:39:44,256
[woman 15] I'm 38.
739
00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:47,218
You're 38, a young spring chicken.
740
00:39:48,427 --> 00:39:51,680
- Are you on Reels?
- No, but Instagram.
741
00:39:51,764 --> 00:39:54,433
Like, I'm not even on Snapchat.
742
00:39:54,517 --> 00:39:56,394
You should not be on Snapchat. You're 38.
743
00:39:56,477 --> 00:39:59,271
[laughing]
744
00:40:00,147 --> 00:40:03,109
It's just 22-year-old dongs on Snapchat.
745
00:40:04,110 --> 00:40:07,238
If you're on Reels,
I feel like Reels is like Juuling.
746
00:40:07,321 --> 00:40:10,491
TikTok is cigarettes. We're all gonna die.
747
00:40:11,742 --> 00:40:14,328
Also, if you're on Reels,
that means you just found out
748
00:40:14,412 --> 00:40:17,289
that Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian
broke up, and I love that for you.
749
00:40:18,165 --> 00:40:19,333
Love that for you.
750
00:40:20,376 --> 00:40:21,919
Do you see the kids still doing dances?
751
00:40:22,002 --> 00:40:24,338
Like, it's been a while.
They're dancing a little too long.
752
00:40:25,005 --> 00:40:27,049
I was wondering,
I'm like, "Why are they doing this"?
753
00:40:27,133 --> 00:40:31,345
And then I realized, I think these kids
are communicating with each other.
754
00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:33,931
To overtake us.
755
00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:37,351
And this is a violent motion.
756
00:40:38,185 --> 00:40:40,104
You just saw my labia. That was crazy.
757
00:40:40,187 --> 00:40:42,106
[laughing]
758
00:40:42,189 --> 00:40:43,315
But think about it.
759
00:40:43,399 --> 00:40:46,277
These kids are strong.
Like, they survived Tide Pods.
760
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:47,820
They're sturdy in a fight.
761
00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:53,117
And they're smart. Like, when they were
at restaurants, they had their iPads.
762
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:55,995
Three years old.
Beep-beep. Beep-beep-beep.
763
00:40:56,078 --> 00:40:58,706
Fuck you, Mom. Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.
764
00:40:58,789 --> 00:41:00,875
When I was two at a restaurant,
I was trying to see
765
00:41:00,958 --> 00:41:04,837
how many butter packets
I could shove in my face without puking.
766
00:41:05,671 --> 00:41:09,967
My dad's like, "Nine.
That's my girl. She's gonna go far."
767
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:12,595
Do you guys know Jeremy?
768
00:41:13,554 --> 00:41:15,514
I babysat this kid named Jeremy.
769
00:41:16,891 --> 00:41:18,058
I hate this kid.
770
00:41:19,143 --> 00:41:23,230
I'd have to bribe him to do everything.
I'd be like, "Jeremy."
771
00:41:23,314 --> 00:41:25,983
"If you finish your math homework,
you get chocolate ice cream."
772
00:41:26,984 --> 00:41:28,068
He said, "Shut up, slut."
773
00:41:29,778 --> 00:41:32,781
I was like, "Jeremy, don't talk to me
like that, or you're gonna turn me on."
774
00:41:32,865 --> 00:41:36,160
We're having fun.
It's Saturday. We're having fun.
775
00:41:36,243 --> 00:41:38,245
[audience cheering]
776
00:41:41,749 --> 00:41:42,750
[laughs]
777
00:41:42,833 --> 00:41:44,835
What if I did that?
That would be crazy. Every time…
778
00:41:45,628 --> 00:41:47,630
Anyway, back to me, um…
779
00:41:48,672 --> 00:41:51,425
- I have intimacy issues.
- [woman 16] Don't we all.
780
00:41:51,509 --> 00:41:52,676
Do you like to cuddle?
781
00:41:53,511 --> 00:41:56,555
You do? Do you like
to be the big or small spoon?
782
00:41:56,639 --> 00:41:58,641
Both. He's verse. He's freaky.
783
00:42:00,309 --> 00:42:03,229
Actually, as a girl,
it's a lot more complicated
784
00:42:03,312 --> 00:42:06,524
when we're the small spoon.
Lots of things can go wrong.
785
00:42:07,483 --> 00:42:10,736
Think about it. First, you have to get
into a weird little fetal position, right?
786
00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:12,696
Then you have to move your hair,
787
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,782
so it's out of his face
but still looks cute.
788
00:42:14,865 --> 00:42:15,824
You're like, "Hey!"
789
00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:20,287
And then he takes his big dumb hand.
790
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:23,374
And he always puts it right here.
791
00:42:26,377 --> 00:42:27,836
Gut check. [gasps]
792
00:42:28,462 --> 00:42:30,631
You have to suck in
like you've never sucked in before.
793
00:42:30,714 --> 00:42:32,258
You're like, "I'm so little, so tiny."
794
00:42:32,341 --> 00:42:34,927
"I'm so little." [groans]
795
00:42:35,010 --> 00:42:37,638
He's like, "Are you comfortable?"
You're like, "Sucking up my rolls!"
796
00:42:38,681 --> 00:42:42,059
But as you're sucking in,
God forbid a little air wants to come out.
797
00:42:42,768 --> 00:42:45,104
Your butt is right on his penis.
798
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:47,147
The whole relationship is on the line.
799
00:42:47,231 --> 00:42:48,232
It's so much pressure,
800
00:42:48,315 --> 00:42:51,360
and you can't sweat even though
there's a hot body lying on you.
801
00:42:51,443 --> 00:42:54,697
So hold your pores.
Hold your butthole. Just go… [shouts]
802
00:42:55,447 --> 00:42:57,783
There's a zero percent chance
you're falling asleep.
803
00:42:58,617 --> 00:43:03,664
Meanwhile, he falls asleep immediately.
804
00:43:03,747 --> 00:43:08,752
The second his head hits the pillow,
he's like… [snoring]
805
00:43:08,836 --> 00:43:12,172
'Cause he's so tired
from gaslighting all day. It's crazy.
806
00:43:12,256 --> 00:43:14,633
[audience cheering]
807
00:43:17,970 --> 00:43:19,513
But I like to pivot.
808
00:43:19,597 --> 00:43:22,891
I like to pivot
and put my head on his chest.
809
00:43:22,975 --> 00:43:25,686
Life hack. Then you can lift a butt cheek.
810
00:43:26,353 --> 00:43:28,355
The air comes out silent.
811
00:43:29,398 --> 00:43:32,109
You pray it's not sulfuric. You pray.
812
00:43:32,860 --> 00:43:35,487
You don't wanna Oppenheimer
his entire bedroom.
813
00:43:36,780 --> 00:43:38,198
If it smells, you blame the dog.
814
00:43:38,282 --> 00:43:40,993
I don't know why
there's always a dog staring at you.
815
00:43:41,785 --> 00:43:44,079
He's like, "Ever since I met you,
the dog's been
816
00:43:44,163 --> 00:43:45,873
having a lot of stomach issues."
817
00:43:46,832 --> 00:43:48,584
And I'm like,
"You should get that checked."
818
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,921
But I love to put my head on his chest.
It feels so good.
819
00:43:53,005 --> 00:43:56,467
Because you feel his heart beating,
and you're like, "This is love."
820
00:43:57,509 --> 00:43:59,678
And you feel his chest go up and down.
821
00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:05,059
And you're like, "Wouldn't it
be so cute if I matched my breath
822
00:44:05,976 --> 00:44:07,603
with his breath,
823
00:44:08,395 --> 00:44:10,147
and we became one soul,
824
00:44:10,981 --> 00:44:14,443
taking on this harsh,
cold, scary world together?"
825
00:44:15,110 --> 00:44:16,236
But then, as you're doing it…
826
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:18,322
[exhaling]
827
00:44:20,949 --> 00:44:23,285
You're like deejaying your breath
to his breath.
828
00:44:24,161 --> 00:44:27,289
You know when you're going too slow
and you feel like… [gasps]
829
00:44:27,956 --> 00:44:30,459
[exhales] You're really trying
to catch up.
830
00:44:30,542 --> 00:44:32,127
You're fighting for your life.
831
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:34,213
You kind of forget how to fucking breathe.
832
00:44:34,296 --> 00:44:36,799
There's no air going in or out.
You could die.
833
00:44:37,883 --> 00:44:39,843
The dog's like, "Die, bitch, please die."
834
00:44:39,927 --> 00:44:41,512
[laughing]
835
00:44:43,555 --> 00:44:44,431
Yeah.
836
00:44:46,141 --> 00:44:48,811
Also, sex in the shower. Don't do it.
837
00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:51,271
Don't. Don't.
838
00:44:51,355 --> 00:44:53,399
Don't. Kevin, don't.
839
00:44:54,358 --> 00:44:56,318
Don't have sex in the shower, okay?
840
00:44:56,402 --> 00:44:58,904
'Cause guys and girls
like different temperatures.
841
00:44:58,987 --> 00:45:02,074
Girls like it lava hot
'cause we're related to Satan.
842
00:45:03,033 --> 00:45:05,369
And guys like it lukewarm
'cause they're confused.
843
00:45:05,452 --> 00:45:07,037
They don't know what's going on.
844
00:45:07,579 --> 00:45:09,915
Then you go to his bathroom.
He's not gonna have conditioner,
845
00:45:09,998 --> 00:45:12,334
which is disrespectful.
846
00:45:13,085 --> 00:45:14,795
Doesn't support women in the arts.
847
00:45:15,713 --> 00:45:17,881
Or he has the three in one.
848
00:45:18,632 --> 00:45:20,884
Which should be called zero.
849
00:45:21,802 --> 00:45:23,804
'Cause I'm dirtier after using it.
850
00:45:24,763 --> 00:45:29,059
And it always has these insane names.
It's like Rock Hard Mountain.
851
00:45:30,686 --> 00:45:33,147
Punch a Wall Pinewood.
852
00:45:33,689 --> 00:45:35,607
Throbbing Thunder.
853
00:45:35,691 --> 00:45:37,901
Like, is this an Andrew Tate haiku?
854
00:45:37,985 --> 00:45:40,571
[laughing]
855
00:45:40,654 --> 00:45:43,240
You know when he's taking up
all the shower water
856
00:45:43,323 --> 00:45:45,117
and you're just, like,
freezing your tits off,
857
00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:48,746
and you're like, "How do I become Jack
at the end of the Titanic?"
858
00:45:49,371 --> 00:45:51,582
[chuckles] There's room for me here.
859
00:45:52,082 --> 00:45:53,917
You have to distract him
860
00:45:54,001 --> 00:45:57,045
and take your hair
and put it on the back of his shower wall.
861
00:45:58,005 --> 00:46:00,632
This is how we mark our territory.
It's female graffiti.
862
00:46:00,716 --> 00:46:03,260
Put your fucking initials
if you're feeling artsy.
863
00:46:04,553 --> 00:46:07,431
'Cause he's never washed that wall,
and he never will.
864
00:46:09,016 --> 00:46:12,644
Also, don't do anal in the shower.
865
00:46:13,270 --> 00:46:16,523
It will hurt so bad, my f-friend told me.
866
00:46:18,233 --> 00:46:19,401
[chuckles]
867
00:46:22,696 --> 00:46:25,574
Once a guy texted me to sit on his face.
868
00:46:25,657 --> 00:46:27,075
That's not straightforward.
869
00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:30,037
No one tells you, you don't actually sit
870
00:46:30,954 --> 00:46:33,081
on the guy's face.
871
00:46:33,165 --> 00:46:35,751
You have to do this weird, like, hover.
872
00:46:37,211 --> 00:46:39,963
Like you're at a Porta Potti
at Coachella, okay?
873
00:46:40,547 --> 00:46:44,593
Oh. You gotta use your pelvis,
get your core in.
874
00:46:46,011 --> 00:46:50,766
Do I like the fact that I can suffocate
a tiny man with my labia? Absolutely.
875
00:46:52,309 --> 00:46:54,019
He's having trouble.
He can't find your clit.
876
00:46:54,102 --> 00:46:56,855
He's on your kneecap,
and you're like, "This feels so good."
877
00:46:58,732 --> 00:47:01,527
You're patting his forehead.
He looks like a Ninja Turtle.
878
00:47:04,279 --> 00:47:06,615
Then, you know, halfway through,
you just start spacing out
879
00:47:06,698 --> 00:47:08,242
at the white wall in front of you
880
00:47:09,409 --> 00:47:12,037
And you're like,
"How did we get here, Hannah?"
881
00:47:13,956 --> 00:47:15,666
Where is his headboard?
882
00:47:17,835 --> 00:47:19,837
Is that a Mike Tyson poster?
883
00:47:21,296 --> 00:47:24,007
Why is his name Eric with a C? [laughs]
884
00:47:24,091 --> 00:47:26,218
[laughing]
885
00:47:26,301 --> 00:47:29,429
- You guys think I should have kids?
- [audience cheering]
886
00:47:29,513 --> 00:47:32,266
I'll make a decision based on
what you guys say right now. I'll do it.
887
00:47:32,349 --> 00:47:34,142
[audience continues cheering]
888
00:47:34,226 --> 00:47:35,561
Okay, I'm getting a lot of mixed.
889
00:47:35,644 --> 00:47:38,438
You're pointing at your daughter
right now, saying "no"?
890
00:47:38,522 --> 00:47:41,567
She's gonna be funny,
have a good sense of humor. I like that.
891
00:47:41,650 --> 00:47:42,568
She's like…
892
00:47:43,986 --> 00:47:46,446
But I do feel like I get mixed--
893
00:47:46,530 --> 00:47:48,991
I get a lot of mixed messages from moms.
894
00:47:49,491 --> 00:47:52,202
They'll be like,
"It's the happiest you'll ever be,
895
00:47:52,286 --> 00:47:54,162
but you'll never be happy again."
896
00:47:55,289 --> 00:47:56,999
And I'm like,
what kind of fucking riddle--
897
00:47:57,082 --> 00:47:59,042
- You're a mom?
- [woman 17] Yeah.
898
00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:01,587
I actually became an aunt, though.
I'm an aunt. So I'm an aunt.
899
00:48:01,670 --> 00:48:02,880
[audience cheering]
900
00:48:02,963 --> 00:48:04,298
I'm an auntie.
901
00:48:05,215 --> 00:48:07,342
I love when people congratulate me.
902
00:48:07,926 --> 00:48:09,595
'Cause my brother made a mistake.
903
00:48:11,221 --> 00:48:13,724
No, I'm just kidding.
He did it on purpose, and I know that.
904
00:48:13,807 --> 00:48:16,351
'Cause him and his wife
were going around being like,
905
00:48:16,977 --> 00:48:20,230
"We're trying. We're trying."
906
00:48:20,314 --> 00:48:22,274
And I'm like, "Oh!"
907
00:48:23,483 --> 00:48:27,404
Just tell people you're raw dogging.
Stop romanticizing it.
908
00:48:27,487 --> 00:48:29,698
Me and you are doing the same.
You're praying for a baby.
909
00:48:29,781 --> 00:48:31,825
I'm praying to not have a baby.
910
00:48:32,784 --> 00:48:34,494
One more thing about abortion.
911
00:48:36,163 --> 00:48:39,041
[laughs] Have you guys seen Nick Cannon?
912
00:48:40,667 --> 00:48:43,837
Has he come to Philly?
Close your pussies. It's crazy out there.
913
00:48:44,880 --> 00:48:47,633
He has 12 children
with six different women.
914
00:48:48,216 --> 00:48:51,887
I actually wasn't that judgey. I was like,
"Go off, Nick Cannon, do your thing."
915
00:48:51,970 --> 00:48:55,474
Until I saw the name
of one of these children.
916
00:48:56,642 --> 00:48:58,268
It's a beautiful name.
It was weird for me.
917
00:48:58,352 --> 00:49:00,228
The name is Powerful Queen.
918
00:49:01,813 --> 00:49:02,856
That's an adjective.
919
00:49:04,900 --> 00:49:08,946
It was the full name that really got me.
The full name is Powerful Queen Cannon.
920
00:49:11,198 --> 00:49:13,742
Because that's the name
of my vibrator. [exhales]
921
00:49:15,410 --> 00:49:19,039
- Thank you so much, Philadelphia!
- [audience cheering]
922
00:49:22,417 --> 00:49:24,711
I love you guys so much!
923
00:49:25,253 --> 00:49:28,382
["Sonata Slay" playing]
924
00:49:35,555 --> 00:49:38,350
[cheering continues]
925
00:49:51,321 --> 00:49:52,906
[shouting]
926
00:49:55,283 --> 00:49:56,368
[audience shouting]
927
00:49:56,451 --> 00:50:00,455
They told me I could stand up here
for, like, ten seconds. I love you, babe.
928
00:50:00,539 --> 00:50:02,541
[cheering continues]
929
00:50:13,927 --> 00:50:17,556
♪ 'Cause all I do is slay, slay all day ♪
930
00:50:17,639 --> 00:50:19,599
♪ Slaying anything
And anyone that's in my way ♪
931
00:50:19,683 --> 00:50:20,684
♪ You just good ♪
932
00:50:20,767 --> 00:50:24,438
♪ But I'm so great
Do whatever it takes, all I do is slay ♪