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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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- [typing on keyboard]
- [woman] Standby for systems check.
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- [beep]
- [typing]
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Interfaces loading.
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- [man 1] Cerebral cortex.
- [woman] Optimal.
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- [man 1] Check.
- [woman] Auditory channel is linked.
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- [man 1] Sub-vocalization.
- [man 2] Sub-vocalization strong.
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- [man 1] Okay, Mr. Martin. Are you ready?
- [Demetri] Yeah, I think so.
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- I feel funny, so yeah, I think I'm ready.
- [man 1] Good.
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And I'm, not... There's no chance
of, like, electrocution or, uh,
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brain damage or anything?
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[man 1] Oh! [chuckles]
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No. No, not anymore. [chuckles]
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- Just try to focus your mind, please.
- [Demetri] Okay.
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- [man 2] System fully booted.
- [man 1] How far are we?
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- [woman] Seven seconds.
- [man 1] How's the visual cortex?
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- [woman] We did not get color.
- [beeping]
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[man 1] Okay.
It's all right. Let's initiate.
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- [man 2] Mr. Martin, when you're ready.
- [beep]
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- Okay. [inhales deeply]
- [beeping]
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[exhales slowly]
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- [Demetri] Comedy.
- [beeping continues]
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Get into a comedy state of mind.
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[soft jazz music playing]
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[Demetri] Picture a theater.
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Doesn't have to be a big one.
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You're in the theater.
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Not in the seats.
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You're onstage.
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{\an8}Okay, the stage is set.
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{\an8}Pretty standard.
You've got curtain, lights.
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You have all the things you need
to do a comedy show.
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[jazz music continues]
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Looks clean.
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All right, and... you come out.
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Not like that.
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No. Oh, ju... Ah...
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You come out.
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That's worse.
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You don't... You don't enter.
You're already onstage.
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No, you're not just
standing there like that, waiting.
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You're onstage, but it's a black screen.
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They can't see you yet.
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- Yes, the show's already started.
- [cheering and applause]
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[Demetri] Thank you. Thank you, guys.
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And then we come in...
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I appreciate that.
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Thank you. Uh, you know, I have to say,
I feel like I have the best fans.
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Um, very grateful
for the fans I've had over the years
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who've stuck with me
and seen the shows I've done
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and everything.
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And one thing I'll say is
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I think what's so cool about my fans
is they're very...
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- very subtle, very cool...
- [light laughter]
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...very respectful.
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Like, you know, I'll be out,
like, at a farmers' market,
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you know, and, um, no one will...
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[laughter]
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...come up to me, or... or...
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or bother me, or even look at me,
you know what I mean? It's just, like...
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And I'll even go up to people
and talk to them and engage them,
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and they'll be like, "Yeah, who are you?"
And I'm like...
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"Thank you," you know?
"I appreciate that."
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And they're like, "Sure. Whatever."
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So, you know, very cool.
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I have noticed that if you're a fan
of somebody, you can say you're a fan,
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a big fan, a huge fan,
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their biggest fan.
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I feel like you can go regular size and up
for fan size.
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That's fine,
but if you go smaller than regular size,
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it gets weird really fast, you know?
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If I see a musician
in the airport that I like, I'm like,
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"Sorry to bother you.
I am a tiny fan of your music."
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[laughter]
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"What's that?" "Yeah, I like the chorus
in one of your songs,
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but the rest of it's not really for me.
You know, keep trying."
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"Anyway, I'm your smallest fan.
Thank you. Tiny fan."
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- [laughter]
- [chuckles]
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Some fans are kinda weird.
I've definitely had,
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um, aggression from certain fans.
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Like, um, I got an email from a woman.
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She said...
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- I was like...
- [laughter]
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"Threaten me into coming to Seattle?
That's kinda weird."
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If you wanna bump up a threat,
you just turn it into a promise.
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For some reason,
that will escalate the threat.
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You know, "I'm gonna kick your ass."
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"Oh, is that a threat?"
"No, that's a promise."
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"Whoa, shit. A promise? Uh-oh."
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"This guy's reliable. That's scary."
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[chuckles]
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It doesn't work the other way.
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You can't downgrade a promise
by turning it into a threat.
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"I'm gonna take out the garbage."
"Is that a promise?"
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-"No, that's a threat, sweetie."
- [laughter]
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"You better watch your ass.
I might clean the kitchen too."
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I make a lotta threats
in my house. [chuckles]
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With broccoli, I wonder if God
was thinking something like,
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"How far are they willing to go
in order to eat healthy?"
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"What do you mean?"
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"I'm saying, do you think
they would eat a fart?"
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"A fart?" "Yes, I'm gonna do
this vegetable that will release farts."
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"When they heat it up,
it will smell like farts."
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"The house will smell like
someone went from room to room
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just unloading the freshest farts
they could, you know?"
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{\an8}"And I'm gonna make it look like a fart."
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{\an8}"If you hold a piece from the side,
it'll look like, um...
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{\an8}a fart captured in space and time."
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{\an8}"Like a 3D... The floret would be
the cloud of the fart
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{\an8}and the stem would be the shaft."
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"It'll be green, and you're like,
'Oh yeah, that's good.'"
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"And I'll do a variation
for sort of a high-pitched fart
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that's kinda long, you know,
like broccolini."
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"It'll be like, 'Brr... Pfft!"
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"Very nice, yeah."
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Horses have mullets.
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I just realized that recently.
I didn't know horses...
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Those are mullets. It's a very long mullet
on the horse, you know?
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Makes a lot of sense. Horses,
you know, they're country folk really.
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Not the most educated animal,
I'd say, the horse. It's kinda...
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Plus, with those teeth, I do think
it goes together, the hair and the teeth.
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People have told me to hold my horses
so many times in my life.
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And not once
have they later had the courtesy
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to say, "Hey, by the way,
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you can release your horses. It's cool."
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I'm holding hundreds of horses
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through my life, you know?
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Please, let me release...
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I think that concludes
the horse portion of my show for tonight.
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So yeah.
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[audience cheering, whooping]
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- [applauding, whistling]
- [Demetri] Thank you.
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I wonder if leopards look trashy
to other animals.
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"Wow, okay. You gonna wear that?"
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"Okay..."
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"Head to toe, that's..."
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"Pretty bold there."
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"That's a classy cat,
the leopard, for sure."
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My friends, uh, they told me
they were gonna adopt a dog.
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I'm happy for them.
I was like, "That's great, you guys,
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and I think adoption
is your best strategy."
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"I think that's a good way to do it.
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"I think anything else
gets strange, yeah."
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"We're gonna get a surrogate."
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"No, no, no. Just... You should adopt."
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Whether you're dog person or a cat person,
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I think we can all agree
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that your house smells.
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And you don't realize it. That's...
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That's the smell of love, I think.
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- [woman] Meow.
- Yeah.
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[Demetri] Okay.
Her house definitely smells.
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Anyway, stay focused.
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Sometimes when I go to a store
and I go to pay,
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I have all my stuff out,
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and then the cashier
in, like, a very condescending tone
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will just look at my stuff and go,
"Is that it?"
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Like they're not impressed
with what I picked, you know?
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That's why now, I usually just
save something in my back pocket.
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Then they say, "Is that it?"
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And I go, "No, actually, that's not it."
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"Gum!"
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"That's it, baby."
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"I'm sorry, wait a minute.
That's not it. What's this?"
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00:07:50,625 --> 00:07:51,916
"Triple A batteries."
167
00:07:52,791 --> 00:07:55,750
"That hurt my ankle,
but I think that might've been... worth it."
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"I'm sorry, hold on for a second."
And I just keep pulling stuff out.
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Just, like, five minutes later,
there's just a pile of "it."
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Cashier's like, "Hey,
I'm at register four, and, um...
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there's an idiot up here,
and I'm not sure what to do."
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"It's never it for this guy.
I've never seen anything like this."
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I'd finish paying, then leave the store.
Fifteen minutes later, I'd call back.
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{\an8}"Can I talk to the cashier
at register four, please? Thank you."
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"Hey, it's me."
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"Can you do me a favor
and check your back left pocket?"
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"That's it."
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I like to shoplift, but I don't
leave the store with the stuff.
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You still get the high,
but you don't get in trouble.
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[jazz bassline playing]
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00:08:39,541 --> 00:08:41,125
Just take shit, put it in my pockets.
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Just look at 'em, make eye contact.
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Keep taking shit. Just sneak around.
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Just look at 'em right in the eye
as you put stuff in your pockets.
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Then I put everything back
where I got it from.
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Then I'm like...
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"You got nothing, man.
That's shopshifting. I can do that."
188
00:08:59,250 --> 00:09:01,958
"I'm just moving stuff
around the store in a sneaky way."
189
00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:03,583
"I'm a shopshifter."
190
00:09:05,458 --> 00:09:07,958
I like to get a gift receipt sometimes
for something stupid.
191
00:09:07,958 --> 00:09:10,333
I'll be buying toothpaste and be like,
"I'm sorry. Oh!"
192
00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:13,666
"Could I get a gift receipt
for that toothpaste? That'd be fantastic."
193
00:09:14,250 --> 00:09:15,625
I love shopping for toothpaste.
194
00:09:15,625 --> 00:09:17,791
Toothpaste is one
of the funniest things to buy.
195
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,416
You go in the toothpaste aisle,
196
00:09:19,416 --> 00:09:22,208
and you enter
some sort of adjectives arms race.
197
00:09:23,416 --> 00:09:24,750
There's sensitive formula,
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00:09:24,750 --> 00:09:28,000
there's gum health,
there's whitening, there's tartar control.
199
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,916
It's like, at this point,
if I had a toothpaste company,
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00:09:30,916 --> 00:09:33,083
I would just put any adjectives on there.
201
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What's the difference? You know?
202
00:09:35,166 --> 00:09:36,958
Be like, "Crest, atheist formula."
203
00:09:40,708 --> 00:09:41,833
"What does this do?"
204
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:46,666
{\an8}[chuckles]
205
00:09:48,416 --> 00:09:50,125
{\an8}"Extra strength? Shit!"
206
00:09:53,791 --> 00:09:54,625
What?
207
00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:59,166
"Gonna gentrify my mouth?"
208
00:10:01,041 --> 00:10:01,916
"Kinda weird."
209
00:10:01,916 --> 00:10:03,291
[soft jazz music playing]
210
00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:17,125
[music fades]
211
00:10:17,125 --> 00:10:19,791
I still like paying with cash for stuff.
212
00:10:20,375 --> 00:10:22,083
It's... It's liberating.
213
00:10:22,083 --> 00:10:23,458
"Here's the money."
214
00:10:23,458 --> 00:10:26,208
Sometimes I have a hundred-dollar bill.
That's kind of exciting.
215
00:10:26,708 --> 00:10:30,416
Except for when I pay with a hundred,
now I'm under investigation.
216
00:10:30,416 --> 00:10:32,500
I give 'em the hundred,
and they're just like...
217
00:10:36,166 --> 00:10:38,666
Take out this marker
like they're gonna catch a counterfeiter.
218
00:10:38,666 --> 00:10:40,500
Yeah, that's what I'm counterfeiting.
219
00:10:41,625 --> 00:10:44,083
When they do that,
I just go, "Never mind! Thanks!"
220
00:10:47,083 --> 00:10:49,500
"You want a counterfeiter.
There, you've got one. Okay?"
221
00:10:50,708 --> 00:10:52,416
Counterfeiting's kinda fascinating
222
00:10:52,416 --> 00:10:56,875
because that's a crime
that seems to require talent
223
00:10:56,875 --> 00:10:58,250
to even count as a crime.
224
00:10:58,250 --> 00:11:02,166
Don't you have to be good enough
at counterfeiting to get arrested for it?
225
00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:05,625
I mean, what's the shittiest job
at counterfeiting I can do,
226
00:11:05,625 --> 00:11:07,083
and I go to jail?
227
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:10,041
If I take a piece of paper
and I just write $100 on it,
228
00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:13,666
go to the store,
pick out a bunch of stuff.
229
00:11:14,333 --> 00:11:17,250
Then I go to pay.
They ring me up. I'm like, "Here you go."
230
00:11:17,750 --> 00:11:19,500
I mean, do they have to go, "Okay..."
231
00:11:25,416 --> 00:11:27,750
Like, do the whole thing?
You know what I mean?
232
00:11:27,750 --> 00:11:30,500
Maybe there's a manual
for when they're in that situation.
233
00:11:30,500 --> 00:11:33,291
They have to look, the cashiers.
"Okay, just ask this question."
234
00:11:33,291 --> 00:11:35,791
"Okay, sir, I just have to ask you
this one question legally
235
00:11:35,791 --> 00:11:37,083
before I ring you up."
236
00:11:37,083 --> 00:11:40,250
"Um, do you think that I think
that this is a hundred-dollar bill?"
237
00:11:43,041 --> 00:11:44,708
"Ah, yeah. Good question."
238
00:11:44,708 --> 00:11:46,666
"Do you think that I think
239
00:11:46,666 --> 00:11:51,166
that you think it's a hundred-dollar bill?
I'm just curious. Before I say my thing."
240
00:11:51,166 --> 00:11:52,125
"Um..."
241
00:11:53,166 --> 00:11:54,041
"Uh, hold on."
242
00:11:54,041 --> 00:11:57,333
Then I go back over here,
and I say, "You know what? Never mind."
243
00:11:57,333 --> 00:12:00,708
"I'll pay another way."
Just give me back my hundred. Um..."
244
00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:03,750
"I'm gonna pay with Bitcoin." "Oh..."
245
00:12:03,750 --> 00:12:04,708
"Here you go."
246
00:12:05,666 --> 00:12:08,708
"Uh, this is just a coin
with the word 'bit' written on it."
247
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,083
"Yeah, I'm doing a bit.
I'm a comedian, so it's..."
248
00:12:14,791 --> 00:12:16,333
"Kinda doing a bit, you know?"
249
00:12:16,333 --> 00:12:19,958
"So it's like a play on words.
Kind of a little prop joke for you."
250
00:12:19,958 --> 00:12:21,041
"You're a comedian?"
251
00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:23,291
"Yeah, I do standup. I'm a standup comic."
252
00:12:23,291 --> 00:12:25,500
"Cool. Do you, like, tell stories, or...?"
253
00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:28,916
"No, it's mostly kinda short jokes,
but then I'll have little bits."
254
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:30,708
"Sometimes a scene or something."
255
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,708
"Oh. Is this one of your jokes?"
256
00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:35,416
"Actually, it is, yeah.
This is a joke I'm gonna do.
257
00:12:35,916 --> 00:12:37,666
"Oh, really? Am I in your joke?"
258
00:12:37,666 --> 00:12:40,000
"You are, yeah.
We're the two people in the joke."
259
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,666
"I'm playing me, and you're the cashier."
260
00:12:41,666 --> 00:12:44,500
"Oh, you do, like, a funny voice
every time I talk?"
261
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:47,291
"No, that's not really my style.
I don't, um...
262
00:12:48,083 --> 00:12:51,541
change my voice. I just change
which way my head is looking."
263
00:12:51,541 --> 00:12:53,333
"And that indicates who's talking."
264
00:12:53,333 --> 00:12:55,083
"So, this is me." "And this is me."
265
00:12:55,083 --> 00:12:58,666
"Exactly, so they're... It sounded the same,
but, you see, we're different people."
266
00:12:58,666 --> 00:13:00,791
"I think I understand
based on where you're looking."
267
00:13:00,791 --> 00:13:03,166
-"You got it."
- [applause]
268
00:13:03,166 --> 00:13:05,083
"So you don't have an ending
for this joke?"
269
00:13:05,083 --> 00:13:06,541
- [chuckles]
- [audience cheering]
270
00:13:06,541 --> 00:13:08,250
- Thanks.
- [applause, whooping]
271
00:13:08,250 --> 00:13:10,000
[soft jazz music playing]
272
00:13:17,708 --> 00:13:19,666
[Demetri] I should do something different.
273
00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:20,958
I could have a guest.
274
00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:24,750
I don't usually do this,
but I wanna share the stage with someone.
275
00:13:24,750 --> 00:13:27,375
I have a guest for tonight's show,
so I'm really excited.
276
00:13:27,375 --> 00:13:29,958
I'm gonna bring the guest on right now.
Here we go.
277
00:13:33,583 --> 00:13:35,000
All right, great.
278
00:13:36,541 --> 00:13:38,750
So I'd love to see...
All right. There you are.
279
00:13:38,750 --> 00:13:40,625
[chuckling, whooping]
280
00:13:40,625 --> 00:13:43,208
So can you check your mic
and just see if they can hear you?
281
00:13:43,208 --> 00:13:45,583
[demonic mic effect] Sure.
Uh, check, check.
282
00:13:46,250 --> 00:13:48,958
Evil, evil. Shit, shit. Check.
283
00:13:50,291 --> 00:13:52,416
You wanna introduce yourself to the crowd?
284
00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:56,000
Sure. Um, I'm a demon from the underworld.
285
00:13:56,791 --> 00:13:58,291
So you're, like, a devil from hell?
286
00:13:58,291 --> 00:14:01,291
No, there's only one devil. The devil.
287
00:14:01,291 --> 00:14:03,750
I'm a demon. I work for the devil.
288
00:14:03,750 --> 00:14:04,666
You understand?
289
00:14:04,666 --> 00:14:07,208
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Well, thank you for being here.
290
00:14:07,208 --> 00:14:08,125
Fuck you!
291
00:14:08,125 --> 00:14:09,041
[as self] Okay.
292
00:14:10,875 --> 00:14:14,833
So, uh, so you work in hell? That's what
you're saying? You actually work there?
293
00:14:14,833 --> 00:14:16,750
Yeah, that's right. I work in hell.
294
00:14:16,750 --> 00:14:18,250
What kinda job are you doing?
295
00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:20,041
It's an entry-level position.
296
00:14:20,041 --> 00:14:23,333
I just started, so doing a desk job.
297
00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:24,333
Oh, what kind?
298
00:14:24,333 --> 00:14:27,083
Clerical work.
Mostly doing clerical stuff.
299
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:28,500
I see, and how is that?
300
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:31,125
It fuckin' sucks!
It's hell. What do you think?
301
00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:33,833
[as self] Right, of course. I'm sorry.
302
00:14:34,333 --> 00:14:36,291
So what department are you working in?
303
00:14:36,291 --> 00:14:37,875
I work in processing,
304
00:14:37,875 --> 00:14:41,583
so I help process people
who just got to hell.
305
00:14:41,583 --> 00:14:43,291
New... New arrivals.
306
00:14:43,291 --> 00:14:44,500
Ah, I see.
307
00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:46,875
Are you busy? What's the work like there?
308
00:14:46,875 --> 00:14:49,208
Oh, we're so fucking busy.
309
00:14:49,208 --> 00:14:50,583
It's unbelievable.
310
00:14:50,583 --> 00:14:53,625
The last few years
have been incredible for us.
311
00:14:53,625 --> 00:14:54,875
Did you guys do social media?
312
00:14:54,875 --> 00:14:56,666
Oh yeah, that was us.
313
00:14:56,666 --> 00:15:00,875
Ahh. That makes sense because I'm not good
at social media and stuff, you know,
314
00:15:00,875 --> 00:15:04,541
but when I use it, I always feel
sort of worse afterwards, you know?
315
00:15:04,541 --> 00:15:06,250
Yeah, totally. That's the idea.
316
00:15:06,250 --> 00:15:09,416
It's just to make you
a shittier version of yourself,
317
00:15:10,250 --> 00:15:11,958
and to share that with everyone.
318
00:15:11,958 --> 00:15:14,291
Well, yeah, that's cool.
It works, for sure.
319
00:15:14,291 --> 00:15:18,083
So is the idea that you... you're...
you're trying to, uh, sorta... advance
320
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:19,333
in... in your job?
321
00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:21,750
Will you... Will you move up if you do well?
322
00:15:21,750 --> 00:15:23,041
Uh, move down.
323
00:15:23,041 --> 00:15:25,333
It's the opposite direction
'cause it's hell,
324
00:15:25,333 --> 00:15:26,916
so you go deeper into hell.
325
00:15:26,916 --> 00:15:28,958
I see. So you don't get promoted.
326
00:15:28,958 --> 00:15:30,958
No, you get demoted. You got it.
327
00:15:30,958 --> 00:15:32,250
[as self] Okay, cool.
328
00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,291
Right now I have a dessert fork.
329
00:15:35,291 --> 00:15:36,666
You have a dessert fork?
330
00:15:36,666 --> 00:15:40,041
Yeah, you start with a dessert fork,
then you get a salad fork,
331
00:15:40,041 --> 00:15:43,000
then a dinner fork, then a serving fork,
332
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:47,041
and then eventually you get a pitchfork,
if you get demoted far enough.
333
00:15:47,041 --> 00:15:49,916
- [as self] I see.
- But the dessert fork is good.
334
00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:53,166
You can stab people in the ass with it,
gouge their eye out,
335
00:15:53,166 --> 00:15:54,625
you know, stuff like that.
336
00:15:54,625 --> 00:15:55,625
[as self] Oh.
337
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:02,250
So what kinda... What kinda souls
are you seeing? What kinda people?
338
00:16:02,250 --> 00:16:05,291
Uh, people who clip their nails
on public transit.
339
00:16:05,291 --> 00:16:06,666
You go to hell for that.
340
00:16:08,416 --> 00:16:10,625
- Wow.
- It's fuckin' disgusting.
341
00:16:10,625 --> 00:16:13,791
You don't clip your nails on a bus.
Everybody knows that.
342
00:16:14,458 --> 00:16:17,541
[as self] Right, of course.
Who else is going to hell?
343
00:16:17,541 --> 00:16:19,708
Uh, people who park diagonally
344
00:16:19,708 --> 00:16:23,375
and take up two parking spaces
for their precious car.
345
00:16:23,375 --> 00:16:25,000
You go to hell for that, so...
346
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,458
[as self, chuckling] I see.
347
00:16:26,458 --> 00:16:30,208
If you drive a black BMW,
that pretty much does it on its own.
348
00:16:30,208 --> 00:16:31,458
Wow.
349
00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:33,458
Jesus.
350
00:16:33,458 --> 00:16:35,416
People who say "adulting."
351
00:16:35,416 --> 00:16:36,625
[as self] Wow. Yeah.
352
00:16:37,708 --> 00:16:39,208
Adult is not a verb.
353
00:16:39,208 --> 00:16:40,750
Welcome to hell, shithead!
354
00:16:43,875 --> 00:16:46,250
People who say, "I don't make the rules."
355
00:16:46,250 --> 00:16:47,916
Uh-huh. I'm with you.
356
00:16:50,291 --> 00:16:52,500
People who get a vest for their dog
357
00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:55,916
just so they can bring it on the plane
and call it a service animal
358
00:16:55,916 --> 00:16:57,583
when we all know it isn't.
359
00:16:58,708 --> 00:17:01,166
You and your dog can go to hell, asshole.
360
00:17:03,541 --> 00:17:04,583
[chuckling] Wow.
361
00:17:05,916 --> 00:17:08,333
Um, how exactly do you get demoted, then?
362
00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:10,583
How do you move down in hell?
Is it a seniority thing?
363
00:17:10,583 --> 00:17:12,875
You have to come up with your own project,
364
00:17:12,875 --> 00:17:18,041
your own original shitty idea
to make the world a worse place.
365
00:17:18,041 --> 00:17:20,416
And then if you do that, you get demoted.
366
00:17:20,416 --> 00:17:22,583
I see. So it's almost like a PhD?
367
00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:24,083
Yeah, it's like a PhD.
368
00:17:24,083 --> 00:17:26,625
You gotta defend your thing
and everything.
369
00:17:26,625 --> 00:17:29,416
So do you have an area,
a project or anything you're working on?
370
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,750
I don't know.
I'm trying to come up with one.
371
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:35,916
Uh, I was thinking of working
with the airlines, doing something there,
372
00:17:35,916 --> 00:17:39,666
but it's really pecked over. Pretty much
every idea's been taken already.
373
00:17:39,666 --> 00:17:41,250
Fuck yeah, man.
374
00:17:42,208 --> 00:17:44,291
My friend had a great one.
375
00:17:44,291 --> 00:17:46,541
Uh, you know
when you're in the supermarket,
376
00:17:46,541 --> 00:17:48,791
and there's those little produce bags?
377
00:17:48,791 --> 00:17:51,541
Those little plastic bags
that are impossible to open?
378
00:17:51,541 --> 00:17:53,666
Yeah, those. Those are the fuckin' best.
379
00:17:53,666 --> 00:17:55,458
That was my friend's project.
380
00:17:57,875 --> 00:17:59,833
- I hate that.
- Yeah.
381
00:17:59,833 --> 00:18:02,458
You know when you're driving
and you're going straight?
382
00:18:02,458 --> 00:18:03,875
Yeah, of course.
383
00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:05,916
Yeah, and you're in the right lane,
384
00:18:05,916 --> 00:18:10,291
and then, all of a sudden,
it turns into a right-turn-only lane?
385
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,125
Oh, I hate that.
386
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:15,833
Yeah, and now you've gotta cut someone off
to get into the middle lane
387
00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:17,333
just to keep going straight,
388
00:18:17,333 --> 00:18:20,375
which is what you thought
you were doing in the first place,
389
00:18:20,375 --> 00:18:21,833
and now you're an asshole.
390
00:18:21,833 --> 00:18:24,375
- Yeah.
- That's my friend's project.
391
00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:26,458
[laughter and applause]
392
00:18:30,541 --> 00:18:34,041
All right, well, I wish you luck.
I'm gonna get back to the show.
393
00:18:34,041 --> 00:18:35,583
You're on the cusp.
394
00:18:35,583 --> 00:18:37,208
I'm on the cusp? For going to hell?
395
00:18:37,208 --> 00:18:39,333
You're on the cusp for going to hell.
396
00:18:39,333 --> 00:18:40,666
Really?
397
00:18:40,666 --> 00:18:43,500
I'm surprised. I've never... killed anybody
398
00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:44,958
or cheated on anybody.
399
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:48,208
I don't say "nucular." What have I done
that I'm gonna go to hell for?
400
00:18:48,208 --> 00:18:49,958
When you go bowling,
401
00:18:49,958 --> 00:18:54,458
you wait till the person in the lane
next to you is about to roll their ball,
402
00:18:55,583 --> 00:18:59,458
then you bowl
at the exact same time as that person.
403
00:18:59,458 --> 00:19:00,375
It's kinda funny.
404
00:19:00,375 --> 00:19:04,500
It's not funny. You're being a dick.
It's not synchronized bowling. Cut it out.
405
00:19:05,083 --> 00:19:06,125
Prick.
406
00:19:06,125 --> 00:19:07,125
Anything else?
407
00:19:07,125 --> 00:19:09,625
You watch people parallel park.
408
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:16,333
That's true, but it's just kinda funny
to stop and look at 'em.
409
00:19:16,333 --> 00:19:18,666
Don't do it, shithead. You move along.
410
00:19:20,875 --> 00:19:22,916
- That it?
- Oh no, you got plenty more.
411
00:19:22,916 --> 00:19:24,708
- I'll just tell you a couple.
- Like what?
412
00:19:24,708 --> 00:19:27,041
When you go to the beach,
you pee in the ocean.
413
00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:28,916
Oh, come on. Everybody pees in the ocean.
414
00:19:28,916 --> 00:19:32,583
Yeah, but you swim
as close to strangers as you can get,
415
00:19:32,583 --> 00:19:34,083
and then you pee.
416
00:19:34,083 --> 00:19:36,208
That's true. That's true. [chuckles]
417
00:19:38,250 --> 00:19:39,208
All right. Is that it?
418
00:19:39,208 --> 00:19:42,041
Well, you also walk
through strangers' photos.
419
00:19:42,041 --> 00:19:44,000
I'm going to hell for photobombing people?
420
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,791
No, not photobombing.
421
00:19:45,791 --> 00:19:49,291
- You walk through their photos.
- I've done it two or three times.
422
00:19:49,291 --> 00:19:52,125
You've done it 247 times.
423
00:19:53,250 --> 00:19:54,916
In my defense, just because you're getting
424
00:19:54,916 --> 00:19:57,500
a picture in front of this fountain
with your friend,
425
00:19:57,500 --> 00:20:00,166
we gotta all now reroute around you
'cause you own the sidewalk?
426
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,708
What makes you so important?
427
00:20:01,708 --> 00:20:04,000
Yeah, that's the spirit. Keep it up.
428
00:20:05,541 --> 00:20:06,791
- But ri--
- Now I have...
429
00:20:06,791 --> 00:20:08,791
What? [sighs]
430
00:20:12,625 --> 00:20:14,250
- That was weird.
- Yeah, I know.
431
00:20:14,250 --> 00:20:16,541
Just act like it didn't happen.
432
00:20:17,666 --> 00:20:20,916
If you're gonna put this on TV,
you better fuckin' step it up.
433
00:20:21,666 --> 00:20:22,916
I can't argue with you.
434
00:20:23,541 --> 00:20:25,625
I mean, get your shit together, man.
435
00:20:27,291 --> 00:20:29,958
All right. I gotta get back to the show.
Anything else you wanna say?
436
00:20:29,958 --> 00:20:31,541
Yeah, I just want you to know
437
00:20:31,541 --> 00:20:33,833
that even if you think
this bit is working,
438
00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:36,583
you're a shitty ventriloquist at best.
439
00:20:38,625 --> 00:20:39,458
Thanks.
440
00:20:39,458 --> 00:20:41,125
Fuck you. You suck.
441
00:20:41,125 --> 00:20:43,708
[as self] All right. Thanks, everybody.
That's the demon.
442
00:20:44,583 --> 00:20:45,416
Yeah.
443
00:20:45,416 --> 00:20:47,166
[audience applauding, cheering]
444
00:20:48,916 --> 00:20:51,083
[disconcerting keyboard music playing]
445
00:20:59,875 --> 00:21:02,458
I went to a website
I hadn't been to in a long time,
446
00:21:02,458 --> 00:21:05,625
and I tried to log in,
and I couldn't figure out my password.
447
00:21:06,250 --> 00:21:08,333
I kept trying it, and I couldn't get it.
448
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:09,583
And I just thought,
449
00:21:09,583 --> 00:21:11,791
"Man, I'm good."
450
00:21:15,333 --> 00:21:16,166
"Wow."
451
00:21:16,666 --> 00:21:18,875
If I can't figure this out,
I mean, that's...
452
00:21:19,875 --> 00:21:22,583
I'm the top person
who should be able to crack this,
453
00:21:22,583 --> 00:21:24,083
and I can't get it.
454
00:21:24,791 --> 00:21:27,625
The number-one security threat
to my own account.
455
00:21:28,291 --> 00:21:31,041
{\an8}[mysterious keyboard chord plays]
456
00:21:31,833 --> 00:21:35,833
Thousand Island dressing sounds like
the result of an incredible collaboration.
457
00:21:37,916 --> 00:21:39,666
You have French, Italian...
458
00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:42,208
A thousand islands worked on this one.
459
00:21:43,041 --> 00:21:46,125
And it still tastes like garbage.
That's unbelievable.
460
00:21:48,083 --> 00:21:51,166
Somebody asked me what mansplaining was.
I was like, "Well, it..."
461
00:21:51,708 --> 00:21:52,833
"Nice try!"
462
00:21:56,333 --> 00:21:58,375
"I have no idea. I don't know."
463
00:21:59,208 --> 00:22:00,708
"But I'm willing to listen."
464
00:22:00,708 --> 00:22:03,041
- [laughter]
- [keyboard music playing]
465
00:22:03,041 --> 00:22:04,958
[applause]
466
00:22:05,833 --> 00:22:07,250
I'll take it. I'll take it.
467
00:22:07,833 --> 00:22:08,666
All right.
468
00:22:09,166 --> 00:22:11,000
Mostly dudes clapping. That's okay.
469
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,958
[laughter]
470
00:22:13,958 --> 00:22:16,458
My friend asked me
if I ever went swimming with dolphins.
471
00:22:16,458 --> 00:22:17,916
I said, "Yeah, definitely."
472
00:22:17,916 --> 00:22:20,750
"What distance are we talking about
from the dolphins?"
473
00:22:22,541 --> 00:22:23,416
"'Cause...
474
00:22:24,166 --> 00:22:27,583
pretty sure I swam with all of 'em
last time I was in the ocean, so..."
475
00:22:31,125 --> 00:22:33,166
Sometimes I wanna
go swimming without dolphins.
476
00:22:33,166 --> 00:22:34,791
I gotta find a swimming pool.
477
00:22:37,541 --> 00:22:38,375
I love pools.
478
00:22:38,375 --> 00:22:41,000
I don't have a pool,
but, you know, a pool is fun.
479
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,500
Except there's one thing I don't like
about swimming in a pool.
480
00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:46,875
It's what happens to the other people
that you go swimming with.
481
00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:49,625
If they get in the pool before you do,
482
00:22:50,208 --> 00:22:52,625
it's like they all suddenly
join this cult,
483
00:22:53,458 --> 00:22:55,958
whose only mission is to get you
484
00:22:55,958 --> 00:22:57,125
to join them...
485
00:22:57,125 --> 00:23:00,041
- [laughter]
- ...in the pool.
486
00:23:00,041 --> 00:23:02,291
"Please join us. Just come in the pool."
487
00:23:02,291 --> 00:23:04,708
"Please join us."
"You coming in? You gonna get in?"
488
00:23:04,708 --> 00:23:07,666
[overlapping] "Please join us."
"When are you getting in? Come on."
489
00:23:07,666 --> 00:23:10,208
"Yeah, I'm gonna come in.
I just wanna be ready."
490
00:23:10,208 --> 00:23:13,375
[overlapping] "No, come on."
"Jump in." "Just come in."
491
00:23:13,375 --> 00:23:16,916
"I'm fine. I know how to get in a pool.
Just let me get hot enough. Relax."
492
00:23:16,916 --> 00:23:19,708
Then they start telling me
their personal story, like,
493
00:23:19,708 --> 00:23:21,500
"You know, when I first got in,
I was cold,
494
00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:23,833
but then I, um, put my head under."
495
00:23:23,833 --> 00:23:27,250
"Yeah, I don't give a shit about
your temperature or how it went for you."
496
00:23:27,250 --> 00:23:29,458
"This is not my problem. I'm not you."
497
00:23:29,458 --> 00:23:31,666
"I'm me. I'll come in when I want to."
498
00:23:31,666 --> 00:23:33,708
"Why don't you go
to the other end of the pool
499
00:23:33,708 --> 00:23:36,708
with the other blue-lipped weirdos
in your cult, and just
500
00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,291
leave me out of it? I'm fine."
501
00:23:41,083 --> 00:23:43,916
I feel bad for people who can't float.
That must be a bad feeling.
502
00:23:43,916 --> 00:23:46,083
When you're like, "God,
any dead body can do this,
503
00:23:46,083 --> 00:23:48,125
and I can't do this. This..."
504
00:23:49,916 --> 00:23:51,708
That's a confidence killer.
505
00:23:53,583 --> 00:23:57,166
I think you should be able to wear
a shower cap as a hat on a rainy day.
506
00:23:58,291 --> 00:24:00,708
It seems like the perfect cap
for rain, you know?
507
00:24:00,708 --> 00:24:02,833
It's designed for it.
But you definitely can't.
508
00:24:02,833 --> 00:24:05,041
I can't think
of a quicker way to look insane
509
00:24:05,041 --> 00:24:08,208
than to add a shower cap
to whatever outfit you have on.
510
00:24:08,208 --> 00:24:10,000
[soft jazz music playing]
511
00:24:13,083 --> 00:24:14,250
[music fades]
512
00:24:14,833 --> 00:24:17,125
Hey, to the people
who make scented garbage bags,
513
00:24:17,125 --> 00:24:21,208
you can probably take the fragrance down
like 6000%, and we'd be okay.
514
00:24:22,833 --> 00:24:25,375
Not really sure
who that's designed for, you know?
515
00:24:26,416 --> 00:24:28,291
"Hey, got a corpse in your kitchen?"
516
00:24:30,291 --> 00:24:33,541
"Don't worry about it. Just throw it
in the bag. We're cool. We got ya."
517
00:24:34,041 --> 00:24:34,958
"Oh, that'd be great."
518
00:24:34,958 --> 00:24:37,541
"Accidentally take a shit
in your kitchen garbage?"
519
00:24:38,083 --> 00:24:38,958
"That's okay."
520
00:24:38,958 --> 00:24:42,333
"These bags have
industrial-strength lemon scent in them."
521
00:24:42,333 --> 00:24:45,125
"It's... You can smell the bag
from, like, blocks away."
522
00:24:45,125 --> 00:24:48,250
"Don't worry about it. You can...
throw up in there and everything."
523
00:24:48,250 --> 00:24:49,875
"Oh, great. Thank you."
524
00:24:50,500 --> 00:24:53,083
"I have nightmares about that fragrance,
so I appreciate that."
525
00:24:54,250 --> 00:24:56,166
How about a joke that's more topical?
526
00:24:57,583 --> 00:24:58,833
How does that joke go?
527
00:24:58,833 --> 00:25:02,083
It's harder these days to even get
people's attention to let 'em know--
528
00:25:02,083 --> 00:25:03,000
No.
529
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,875
It's hard to get people's attention,
you know? I'm kind of a quieter guy.
530
00:25:05,875 --> 00:25:06,791
That's not right.
531
00:25:06,791 --> 00:25:08,541
It's like you can't
grab people's attention.
532
00:25:08,541 --> 00:25:09,458
Nah.
533
00:25:09,458 --> 00:25:12,166
- It's hard to get people's attention--
- No, forget it.
534
00:25:12,166 --> 00:25:13,458
You know what?
535
00:25:13,458 --> 00:25:16,166
That's an example of a joke
that won't be in this special.
536
00:25:20,208 --> 00:25:21,500
I'll do crowd work.
537
00:25:21,500 --> 00:25:22,625
[audience chuckling]
538
00:25:22,625 --> 00:25:23,875
Where's everybody from?
539
00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:28,000
But this is on TV, so...
540
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:29,791
Hey. Where you from? What do you do?
541
00:25:30,791 --> 00:25:31,750
Email me.
542
00:25:36,083 --> 00:25:36,958
Globes are cool.
543
00:25:36,958 --> 00:25:39,791
It's nice that you can get a doll
of the entire Earth.
544
00:25:40,958 --> 00:25:43,375
"Hey, look.
I'm gonna play with the whole world."
545
00:25:44,916 --> 00:25:47,500
The LGBTQ community,
that's really interesting
546
00:25:47,500 --> 00:25:51,291
because I think the letter order there
is really important, you know?
547
00:25:51,291 --> 00:25:54,750
Like, the GQ BLT community, um...
548
00:25:57,458 --> 00:25:58,458
that doesn't sound right.
549
00:25:58,458 --> 00:26:00,458
That doesn't have the ring to it
that you want.
550
00:26:00,458 --> 00:26:03,375
"What do we stand for here?
A men's magazine and a sandwich?"
551
00:26:03,375 --> 00:26:04,458
"That's just wrong."
552
00:26:05,458 --> 00:26:08,416
Don't worry, that joke's not offensive.
I checked. It's fine.
553
00:26:10,166 --> 00:26:11,000
Certified.
554
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:12,500
[joke drum rim shot]
555
00:26:12,500 --> 00:26:15,833
Some things sound like they make sense,
556
00:26:15,833 --> 00:26:18,125
and then I think about 'em too much,
557
00:26:18,125 --> 00:26:20,416
and it sort of unravels.
558
00:26:20,916 --> 00:26:22,208
When somebody says,
559
00:26:22,208 --> 00:26:24,666
"I wouldn't touch that
with a ten-foot pole,"
560
00:26:25,333 --> 00:26:27,500
I'm like, "I know what that means.
That makes sense."
561
00:26:27,500 --> 00:26:31,208
But then I thought about it too much
and I reversed it,
562
00:26:31,208 --> 00:26:32,875
and then it didn't make sense.
563
00:26:32,875 --> 00:26:34,125
The opposite would be,
564
00:26:34,625 --> 00:26:37,041
"I would touch that with a ten-foot pole."
565
00:26:39,375 --> 00:26:41,500
"You... You would touch that
with a ten-foot pole?"
566
00:26:42,166 --> 00:26:44,708
"I would definitely touch that
with a ten-foot pole, for sure."
567
00:26:46,416 --> 00:26:48,166
"Okay, 'cause that's not that different
568
00:26:48,166 --> 00:26:50,000
than not touching it
with a ten-foot pole."
569
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:51,333
"No, no, no. It is different."
570
00:26:51,333 --> 00:26:54,166
"I'm saying I would touch it
with a ten-foot pole."
571
00:26:54,166 --> 00:26:56,666
"I would poke it
and sort of make contact with it,
572
00:26:56,666 --> 00:26:58,333
and I'm touching the pole, so..."
573
00:26:58,333 --> 00:27:01,333
"Yeah, but you're ten feet away.
You're not touching it. The pole is."
574
00:27:01,333 --> 00:27:04,625
"Once you've introduced a ten-foot pole,
we know you're not touching it."
575
00:27:05,125 --> 00:27:06,916
"Okay, well, how about this?"
576
00:27:06,916 --> 00:27:09,375
"I would touch it, pause,
with a ten-foot pole."
577
00:27:09,375 --> 00:27:12,375
-"What does 'pause' mean?"
-"It means that they're two thoughts."
578
00:27:12,375 --> 00:27:16,041
"I would touch it. Also, you know,
I happen to have a ten-foot pole with me."
579
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,458
"Are you a pole-vaulter,
walking around, and you touch stuff?"
580
00:27:19,458 --> 00:27:21,666
"Yeah, sure."
"That's not what you said earlier."
581
00:27:21,666 --> 00:27:22,958
"You talked about poking it."
582
00:27:22,958 --> 00:27:25,291
"With. I'm saying
I have a ten-foot pole with me."
583
00:27:25,291 --> 00:27:27,750
"You know, I've got a ten-foot pole,
and also, I'd touch it."
584
00:27:27,750 --> 00:27:30,916
"You're not touching it.
You're at least ten feet away."
585
00:27:30,916 --> 00:27:32,416
"If your arm's out, almost--"
586
00:27:32,416 --> 00:27:34,083
"But I'm just saying I would touch it."
587
00:27:34,083 --> 00:27:35,791
"No, that's not what you meant."
588
00:27:35,791 --> 00:27:37,583
"You meant using the pole to touch it."
589
00:27:37,583 --> 00:27:39,958
"With a pole.
I have a pole with me, and I'd touch it."
590
00:27:39,958 --> 00:27:42,666
-"Poking it with the pole."
- "No, I'm saying it's in my presence."
591
00:27:42,666 --> 00:27:44,250
"No, be honest."
592
00:27:44,250 --> 00:27:46,416
"Fuck you.
I don't wanna be roommates anymore."
593
00:27:47,333 --> 00:27:49,333
{\an8}[double bass twanging pensively]
594
00:27:50,500 --> 00:27:52,708
{\an8}[Demetri] I do ask myself
a lotta questions.
595
00:27:54,208 --> 00:27:55,166
Why do I do that?
596
00:27:57,041 --> 00:27:58,625
And why the follow-up question?
597
00:27:59,541 --> 00:28:01,208
Am I the only one who does that?
598
00:28:02,500 --> 00:28:03,750
So many questions.
599
00:28:03,750 --> 00:28:05,375
So many mysteries.
600
00:28:06,250 --> 00:28:07,541
So much unknown.
601
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,708
[echoing] Mysteries of the Unknown.
602
00:28:11,708 --> 00:28:13,291
[mysterious music playing]
603
00:28:16,208 --> 00:28:18,208
[scattered laughter]
604
00:28:24,666 --> 00:28:25,541
A man...
605
00:28:26,750 --> 00:28:29,333
- [eerie pizzicato strings play]
- [laughter]
606
00:28:31,458 --> 00:28:32,750
[dramatic string chord plays]
607
00:28:32,750 --> 00:28:34,708
...decides he wants to get a drink.
608
00:28:35,958 --> 00:28:38,750
He finds a pub, and he enters.
609
00:28:40,166 --> 00:28:41,500
He walks up to the bar,
610
00:28:42,333 --> 00:28:43,750
when suddenly, he discovers...
611
00:28:43,750 --> 00:28:47,083
- [dramatic string chord plays]
- ...he is invisible to bartenders.
612
00:28:48,583 --> 00:28:51,791
Despite doing comedy for over 20 years.
613
00:28:51,791 --> 00:28:52,875
Motherfucker.
614
00:28:52,875 --> 00:28:54,958
[mysterious music continues]
615
00:28:54,958 --> 00:28:57,041
[applause]
616
00:29:04,875 --> 00:29:08,375
Chicken nuggets have enjoyed
wide popularity for decades.
617
00:29:08,375 --> 00:29:10,583
Yet for some unknown reason,
618
00:29:10,583 --> 00:29:12,833
beef nuggets have never caught on.
619
00:29:13,500 --> 00:29:15,000
[imitating echoing] Why? Why? Why?
620
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:16,458
Beef... beef... beef.
621
00:29:17,375 --> 00:29:19,250
Nuggets... nuggets. Delicious.
622
00:29:21,583 --> 00:29:24,166
How long did it take
to make the first clock?
623
00:29:26,583 --> 00:29:28,333
No one will ever know.
624
00:29:32,750 --> 00:29:36,291
A boy displays unusual aptitude
in grade school.
625
00:29:36,958 --> 00:29:38,958
He gets straight As through high school.
626
00:29:38,958 --> 00:29:42,875
He's admitted to Harvard University,
where he studies for four years.
627
00:29:42,875 --> 00:29:44,583
He graduates with honors,
628
00:29:44,583 --> 00:29:47,791
but then, shortly after graduating,
629
00:29:47,791 --> 00:29:50,208
he is struck with a strange affliction
630
00:29:51,041 --> 00:29:53,833
that forces him to mention
that he went to Harvard
631
00:29:53,833 --> 00:29:56,375
every day for the rest
of his fucking life.
632
00:29:56,375 --> 00:29:58,166
Life... life... life.
633
00:29:59,125 --> 00:30:01,000
[audience whooping, applauding]
634
00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:03,000
Nuggets... nuggets... nuggets.
635
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:05,958
Harvard... Harvard... Harvard.
636
00:30:06,583 --> 00:30:08,250
[mysterious music continues]
637
00:30:08,750 --> 00:30:12,041
You can say "vice-versa,"
but you can't say "versa-vice."
638
00:30:13,583 --> 00:30:16,041
Of all sayings,
that one should be switchable.
639
00:30:16,041 --> 00:30:18,333
Switchable... switchable... switchable.
640
00:30:23,333 --> 00:30:24,791
[hearty laughter]
641
00:30:28,250 --> 00:30:30,750
People hate traffic,
yet they love parades.
642
00:30:31,500 --> 00:30:33,791
It's the same... same... same.
643
00:30:38,416 --> 00:30:39,750
[string chord plays]
644
00:30:39,750 --> 00:30:42,666
A woman has a fascinating dream,
645
00:30:42,666 --> 00:30:45,583
yet, the next day,
when she tells her friend about it,
646
00:30:46,375 --> 00:30:48,541
it is unbearably boring.
647
00:30:49,250 --> 00:30:50,875
Why? Why? Why?
648
00:30:51,625 --> 00:30:52,875
Dream... dream...
649
00:30:53,833 --> 00:30:55,125
Harvard... Harvard...
650
00:30:55,666 --> 00:30:57,375
[mysterious music continues]
651
00:31:10,750 --> 00:31:13,041
A boy plays tic-tac-toe.
652
00:31:14,666 --> 00:31:17,666
At the very same moment
on the other side of the world,
653
00:31:17,666 --> 00:31:19,208
while eating a Tic Tac,
654
00:31:19,208 --> 00:31:21,375
another boy stubs his toe.
655
00:31:21,375 --> 00:31:22,875
[gentle laughter]
656
00:31:23,583 --> 00:31:25,291
Uh-oh... uh-oh... uh-oh...
657
00:31:29,083 --> 00:31:30,083
A comedian
658
00:31:31,125 --> 00:31:32,458
on his flight
659
00:31:33,458 --> 00:31:35,125
to go film his special
660
00:31:35,125 --> 00:31:37,791
thinks of a brilliant
tic-tac-toe-based joke.
661
00:31:40,625 --> 00:31:43,500
Yet when he tells it to the crowd,
he is met with silence.
662
00:31:43,500 --> 00:31:45,125
- What...
- [laughter]
663
00:31:45,125 --> 00:31:46,125
[Demetri] Oh.
664
00:31:46,791 --> 00:31:48,583
Nuggets... nuggets...
665
00:31:48,583 --> 00:31:50,083
Beef... beef...
666
00:31:50,083 --> 00:31:51,416
Harvard... Harvard...
667
00:31:53,833 --> 00:31:57,000
A man gets into an argument with his wife.
668
00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:01,208
In the middle of the argument,
he asks, "What's wrong?"
669
00:32:02,625 --> 00:32:04,041
"Nothing," she replies.
670
00:32:04,875 --> 00:32:06,958
Then, three weeks later,
671
00:32:08,375 --> 00:32:10,791
in the middle
of a completely different argument,
672
00:32:12,166 --> 00:32:14,625
she suddenly recalls in vivid detail
673
00:32:14,625 --> 00:32:17,375
exactly what was wrong
three weeks earlier.
674
00:32:19,875 --> 00:32:22,750
Stunned, the man boards a plane
to go shoot his special.
675
00:32:22,750 --> 00:32:26,666
[audience roaring with laughter,
applauding]
676
00:32:26,666 --> 00:32:29,416
Mysteries of the Unknown.
677
00:32:29,416 --> 00:32:32,291
- [music fades out]
- [cheering and applause]
678
00:32:34,541 --> 00:32:36,916
[Demetri] All right, I'm back. Whoa. Whoa.
679
00:32:36,916 --> 00:32:39,166
- [overlapping] That seltzer thing.
- What was I gonna say?
680
00:32:39,166 --> 00:32:41,291
- Thoughts. Um...
- Yeah, he farts.
681
00:32:41,291 --> 00:32:42,375
Uh, focus.
682
00:32:43,125 --> 00:32:44,500
Whoa. Okay. What was that?
683
00:32:45,041 --> 00:32:46,125
Anyway, where was I?
684
00:32:46,708 --> 00:32:47,625
Um...
685
00:32:47,625 --> 00:32:49,708
- [soft jazz music playing]
- Asking myself questions...
686
00:32:49,708 --> 00:32:53,125
Oh. I should do more jokes.
What about something random?
687
00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:55,708
[overlapping] The word random
is interesting.
688
00:32:55,708 --> 00:32:58,750
- Cool because why...
- Because why that word?
689
00:32:58,750 --> 00:33:01,041
[multiple Demetris in unison]
Why those letters, you know?
690
00:33:01,041 --> 00:33:02,708
[normally] It's so itself.
691
00:33:05,833 --> 00:33:06,666
[music fades]
692
00:33:07,500 --> 00:33:10,375
I went to a restaurant
that was farm to table to toilet.
693
00:33:14,125 --> 00:33:16,208
Little too farm fresh for me.
694
00:33:17,708 --> 00:33:20,250
We're so fragile as people, aren't we?
It's...
695
00:33:20,250 --> 00:33:22,458
It's crazy. You know, you...
696
00:33:22,458 --> 00:33:24,208
you can get killed with a pillow.
697
00:33:24,208 --> 00:33:26,791
It's crazy that you can kill someone
with a pillow.
698
00:33:26,791 --> 00:33:30,375
I mean, that's fragile.
You know, like, the order's so important.
699
00:33:30,375 --> 00:33:33,166
Uh, bed, pillow, head.
700
00:33:34,041 --> 00:33:35,375
You rest. That's great.
701
00:33:36,666 --> 00:33:38,208
Bed, head, pillow.
702
00:33:38,750 --> 00:33:39,708
You're dead.
703
00:33:42,291 --> 00:33:45,583
What a shitty way to go.
"I got the order wrong, and I died!"
704
00:33:48,875 --> 00:33:51,416
I was wondering the other day
if I've ever seen a horse horsing--
705
00:33:51,416 --> 00:33:53,083
[soft jazz music playing]
706
00:33:57,291 --> 00:33:58,125
I don't know why,
707
00:33:58,125 --> 00:34:01,416
but I find it a lot easier
to hate a stranger than love a stranger.
708
00:34:01,916 --> 00:34:05,333
I know that sounds weird to say,
but I'll be in line at CVS or something.
709
00:34:05,333 --> 00:34:07,250
I'll be behind some guy, and I'll be like,
710
00:34:08,416 --> 00:34:09,375
"I hate this guy."
711
00:34:12,708 --> 00:34:13,541
"I hate him."
712
00:34:14,500 --> 00:34:17,958
I haven't even seen the front of him,
I'm like, "I've seen enough. I hate him."
713
00:34:20,375 --> 00:34:22,000
What is that? What's my problem?
714
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:24,958
I don't know what that is
about human nature.
715
00:34:24,958 --> 00:34:28,291
Um, if there's one thing
I would say about everybody,
716
00:34:28,875 --> 00:34:31,208
there's a selfishness, I think,
to human beings
717
00:34:31,208 --> 00:34:33,791
that we just all sort of have,
just built in there.
718
00:34:33,791 --> 00:34:37,666
The fact that community service
is a punishment in our society,
719
00:34:39,541 --> 00:34:41,500
it's a pretty good sign, you know,
to be like,
720
00:34:42,583 --> 00:34:46,625
just under prison,
you get community service.
721
00:34:50,833 --> 00:34:54,208
How badly did you fuck up
that you have to help the community?
722
00:34:55,875 --> 00:34:58,333
"You piece of shit! What did you do?"
723
00:34:59,208 --> 00:35:00,041
[chuckles]
724
00:35:01,583 --> 00:35:06,125
"For 30 hours in the next calendar year,
you have to help the community? Wow!"
725
00:35:07,458 --> 00:35:10,041
"Glad I'm not you.
I bet you learned your lesson, man."
726
00:35:11,041 --> 00:35:14,000
"Yeah, I tried to get prison,
but no, they're gonna make me help."
727
00:35:15,416 --> 00:35:18,041
Strobe lights cause seizures
in some people.
728
00:35:18,541 --> 00:35:20,166
And we still have strobe lights.
729
00:35:22,875 --> 00:35:24,208
How did that work out?
730
00:35:25,500 --> 00:35:28,541
I know you might die,
but these guidos need to party, so...
731
00:35:29,708 --> 00:35:30,791
[chuckles]
732
00:35:32,333 --> 00:35:35,458
Sorry you might, uh, choke to death,
but this guy needs to look cool
733
00:35:35,458 --> 00:35:38,166
when he's doing the robot
in front of this girl, so...
734
00:35:38,791 --> 00:35:40,458
[soft jazz music playing]
735
00:35:41,375 --> 00:35:42,458
I just got an idea.
736
00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:46,666
[in unison] If I had a copy store,
I would only hire identical twins
737
00:35:46,666 --> 00:35:47,708
to work there.
738
00:35:48,333 --> 00:35:49,208
Yeah.
739
00:35:53,875 --> 00:35:56,208
- If I had one of those bookcases...
- If I sold telescopes...
740
00:35:56,208 --> 00:35:59,375
- ...that's a secret bookcase that opens...
- ...I'd have the price really small on the...
741
00:35:59,375 --> 00:36:00,500
Uh-oh.
742
00:36:00,500 --> 00:36:01,541
...opposite wall.
743
00:36:01,541 --> 00:36:02,958
People'd come to my house...
744
00:36:02,958 --> 00:36:03,875
Stay focused.
745
00:36:03,875 --> 00:36:05,458
"How much is this?" "Look over there."
746
00:36:05,458 --> 00:36:07,875
[audience cheering, applauding]
747
00:36:07,875 --> 00:36:12,000
I think a good way to get out of jury duty
would be just to just dress as a judge
748
00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:15,083
so when they're bringing
all the jurors in,
749
00:36:15,083 --> 00:36:18,000
you know, you can look at the judge
and be like, "What am I...?"
750
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:21,875
They'd be like, "Get him out of here.
I don't know what he's doing here."
751
00:36:21,875 --> 00:36:24,375
"Thank you. Sorry.
I gotta get back to court."
752
00:36:26,208 --> 00:36:28,916
I went to the store, and they had a sign
that said, "Exit only."
753
00:36:28,916 --> 00:36:30,416
And then I went in it.
754
00:36:31,083 --> 00:36:32,250
I went in that door,
755
00:36:32,250 --> 00:36:35,458
and I was like,
"Hey. I have exciting news for you."
756
00:36:39,166 --> 00:36:41,666
"You have severely
underestimated this door
757
00:36:43,625 --> 00:36:45,708
by, like, 100%."
758
00:36:48,083 --> 00:36:51,791
[beep] is one of those words that sounds
more offensive than it is, I think.
759
00:36:53,166 --> 00:36:54,958
Is Chris kinda... [beep] ...to you?
760
00:36:56,333 --> 00:36:58,166
[joke drum rim shot]
761
00:37:00,208 --> 00:37:02,916
I love going to concerts.
I love seeing my favorite band
762
00:37:02,916 --> 00:37:05,375
through the phone of the asshole
standing in front of me.
763
00:37:05,375 --> 00:37:07,041
[raucous laughter]
764
00:37:07,041 --> 00:37:08,625
[applause]
765
00:37:08,625 --> 00:37:10,208
- [whooping]
- Yeah.
766
00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:14,458
All right, here we go.
767
00:37:14,458 --> 00:37:18,041
This is a good part of the show.
I think you're gonna like this. So...
768
00:37:19,791 --> 00:37:20,916
I really like drawing.
769
00:37:20,916 --> 00:37:24,916
I find that it's fun to incorporate it
into my standup sometimes,
770
00:37:24,916 --> 00:37:26,833
so I'm gonna show you some drawings.
771
00:37:26,833 --> 00:37:28,791
[enthusiastic cheering]
772
00:37:30,208 --> 00:37:32,875
The cool thing about a drawing is
I can share something personal,
773
00:37:32,875 --> 00:37:35,916
and I can use a graphic
to illustrate it more specifically.
774
00:37:35,916 --> 00:37:38,125
For example, here, this is a graph.
775
00:37:38,125 --> 00:37:39,375
It's pretty personal.
776
00:37:39,375 --> 00:37:41,416
This stands for "donut sensation."
777
00:37:41,416 --> 00:37:45,000
So this is... these are my feelings
when I encounter a donut, basically,
778
00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:47,250
so here's my normal resting state.
779
00:37:47,250 --> 00:37:50,583
Somebody offers me a donut, and I'm like,
"Ooh, I'm gonna have a donut." Excited.
780
00:37:50,583 --> 00:37:52,625
I'm like, "I can't have a donut
for no reason."
781
00:37:52,625 --> 00:37:54,666
"But I want the donut.
No, I'm not gonna eat it."
782
00:37:54,666 --> 00:37:57,333
Now here, I'm eating the donut.
I feel fantastic.
783
00:37:58,333 --> 00:38:00,208
Until the last bite,
and then I just plummet.
784
00:38:00,208 --> 00:38:01,750
"Oh God. I had a donut."
785
00:38:02,333 --> 00:38:04,583
Here's where it gets interesting,
the second donut.
786
00:38:04,583 --> 00:38:07,416
I'm like, "Oh yes!
No, no! Yes! Shit! I don't know."
787
00:38:08,791 --> 00:38:09,791
It's a crisis,
788
00:38:11,166 --> 00:38:12,541
which is the second donut.
789
00:38:13,208 --> 00:38:14,291
With icebergs...
790
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:17,958
People love to talk about
the tip of the iceberg.
791
00:38:17,958 --> 00:38:19,708
They're always gonna tell you
about the tip.
792
00:38:19,708 --> 00:38:22,333
It's the most talked about part
of the iceberg by far.
793
00:38:22,333 --> 00:38:25,916
In fact, you never hear about
any other part of the iceberg, you know?
794
00:38:26,416 --> 00:38:28,791
People are just like,
"Yeah, just the tip of the iceberg."
795
00:38:28,791 --> 00:38:30,916
Those are the people
that like to give you bad news.
796
00:38:30,916 --> 00:38:33,125
Like, "Oh man, you are fucked," you know?
797
00:38:33,125 --> 00:38:35,625
They never later check in and say,
"By the way,
798
00:38:35,625 --> 00:38:38,666
bottom of the iceberg," you know?
"We're just about done."
799
00:38:39,916 --> 00:38:41,541
But here's what's interesting.
800
00:38:41,541 --> 00:38:43,250
Because of climate change,
801
00:38:43,250 --> 00:38:46,583
this is not as shitty a thing to say
as it used to be, you know?
802
00:38:48,250 --> 00:38:50,583
'Cause icebergs are now smaller
than they were,
803
00:38:50,583 --> 00:38:54,041
so you're just at the tip of something
that's not as big an ordeal
804
00:38:54,041 --> 00:38:55,208
as it used to be.
805
00:38:56,208 --> 00:38:58,416
So this is actually
a lot better than it was
806
00:38:58,416 --> 00:39:00,333
because things are much worse.
807
00:39:00,333 --> 00:39:02,250
[laughter]
808
00:39:02,250 --> 00:39:03,750
[applause]
809
00:39:03,750 --> 00:39:04,958
- [cheering]
- Yeah.
810
00:39:04,958 --> 00:39:06,625
[audience whooping, whistling]
811
00:39:08,583 --> 00:39:09,916
{\an8}Okay, birth.
812
00:39:11,166 --> 00:39:12,041
{\an8}Death.
813
00:39:12,833 --> 00:39:15,541
{\an8}This is your life
as you move from birth to death.
814
00:39:16,500 --> 00:39:18,333
{\an8}This is how much future you have.
815
00:39:18,333 --> 00:39:20,250
{\an8}This is how much past you have.
816
00:39:20,250 --> 00:39:23,541
{\an8}Right? So when you're born,
you have all this future.
817
00:39:23,541 --> 00:39:27,958
{\an8}But then as you live, your future
steadily gets smaller and smaller
818
00:39:27,958 --> 00:39:30,291
{\an8}until you get to right here,
where you die.
819
00:39:30,791 --> 00:39:32,458
{\an8}At the very same time,
820
00:39:32,458 --> 00:39:34,583
{\an8}when you're born, there's no past.
821
00:39:34,583 --> 00:39:38,625
{\an8}But your past gets bigger and bigger
as you go at the very same rate
822
00:39:38,625 --> 00:39:39,833
{\an8}until you get to here,
823
00:39:39,833 --> 00:39:42,333
{\an8}where you have no future and all past.
824
00:39:42,333 --> 00:39:44,291
{\an8}That's the condition of being dead.
825
00:39:46,083 --> 00:39:48,166
{\an8}But there's an interesting point
in the middle
826
00:39:48,166 --> 00:39:51,083
{\an8}where your future and past
are in equilibrium.
827
00:39:51,833 --> 00:39:55,250
And this is during
the midlife existential crisis.
828
00:39:55,250 --> 00:39:57,333
[laughter and applause]
829
00:39:58,375 --> 00:39:59,333
Yeah.
830
00:39:59,833 --> 00:40:04,250
This is the kinda thing you might draw
during the midlife existential crisis.
831
00:40:06,208 --> 00:40:07,916
- Yeah.
- [audience whooping]
832
00:40:12,666 --> 00:40:14,291
{\an8}Okay, mustaches. [chuckles]
833
00:40:16,458 --> 00:40:17,750
{\an8}Slight one is creepy.
834
00:40:17,750 --> 00:40:20,541
{\an8}It's always creepy, right?
Just kinda a pube 'stache.
835
00:40:20,541 --> 00:40:23,791
{\an8}On a boy, a grandmother, whoever.
It's just... It's just...
836
00:40:24,541 --> 00:40:27,750
{\an8}There should be a waiting period.
"Can you stay indoors for a few days
837
00:40:27,750 --> 00:40:30,333
{\an8}until that thickens up?
We can't look at you like that."
838
00:40:30,333 --> 00:40:34,125
{\an8}Short is okay. Short mustache, great.
You got good hygiene, it's tidy. Nice.
839
00:40:34,125 --> 00:40:37,041
{\an8}Too long, awkward. Come on.
It's hanging over the lip.
840
00:40:37,041 --> 00:40:38,583
We see it poking your lip,
841
00:40:38,583 --> 00:40:40,958
and we're thinking about
how you eat soup and all this shit.
842
00:40:41,625 --> 00:40:45,041
{\an8}Twirls at the end, that's
an uncomfortable feeling, I think, for us.
843
00:40:45,541 --> 00:40:49,041
You know, you see one that twirls,
and it just raises a lot of questions,
844
00:40:49,041 --> 00:40:50,666
"Do you have to wax that every day?"
845
00:40:50,666 --> 00:40:53,708
"Does it stick to your face in the night?
You gotta wake up and pull it off?"
846
00:40:53,708 --> 00:40:56,791
{\an8}"How is this woman with you?"
Stuff like that. We're wondering.
847
00:40:57,875 --> 00:41:01,208
{\an8}What's interesting is that handshakes
follow the exact same pattern.
848
00:41:04,708 --> 00:41:05,791
{\an8}[chuckles]
849
00:41:05,791 --> 00:41:08,750
{\an8}Slight handshake, that's creepy.
850
00:41:08,750 --> 00:41:10,958
I'm shaking your hand,
you gotta squeeze back.
851
00:41:10,958 --> 00:41:14,125
Don't just give me your hand
and move it around. Participate!
852
00:41:14,958 --> 00:41:16,583
We're doin' this together.
853
00:41:17,333 --> 00:41:19,875
{\an8}Short handshake, of course, is okay.
"Great to meet you."
854
00:41:19,875 --> 00:41:21,958
{\an8}Too long is awkward.
You're shaking someone's hand
855
00:41:21,958 --> 00:41:23,791
{\an8}like, "Okay, I'm done." They don't let go.
856
00:41:23,791 --> 00:41:26,500
{\an8}I'm like, "Whoa, you felt me pulling out.
You don't
857
00:41:27,625 --> 00:41:30,875
{\an8}dominate me in this greeting.
You just... Release."
858
00:41:31,541 --> 00:41:34,000
{\an8}Twirls at the end,
a very uncomfortable feeling.
859
00:41:34,541 --> 00:41:36,916
{\an8}"Hey, good to meet you.
How's it g... What?!"
860
00:41:39,041 --> 00:41:40,416
{\an8}"We're dancing? Okay, wow."
861
00:41:40,416 --> 00:41:43,958
{\an8}That was kinda nice,
but... very uncomfortable."
862
00:41:45,875 --> 00:41:46,916
I like the letter R.
863
00:41:46,916 --> 00:41:49,708
That's one of my favorite
uppercase letters, just to look at.
864
00:41:49,708 --> 00:41:52,458
I like the leg position,
I think that's what it is.
865
00:41:52,458 --> 00:41:55,541
When I see the alphabet, the letters look
like they posed for portraits,
866
00:41:55,541 --> 00:41:56,625
like A or whatever.
867
00:41:56,625 --> 00:41:59,333
But R is kinda cool. It looks like
it was just walking by,
868
00:41:59,333 --> 00:42:02,666
and the artist was like, "Stop!" "What,
like this?" "Yeah, hold that. I love it."
869
00:42:02,666 --> 00:42:05,125
"Just that action." R.
870
00:42:06,416 --> 00:42:07,250
Regal.
871
00:42:08,750 --> 00:42:10,833
This is a graph of the letter N.
872
00:42:10,833 --> 00:42:12,666
So this is the height over time...
873
00:42:14,916 --> 00:42:15,750
of an N, right?
874
00:42:15,750 --> 00:42:17,833
So we start here, and we're going up.
875
00:42:17,833 --> 00:42:21,166
We're moving through time,
it's getting later, now we're going down.
876
00:42:21,166 --> 00:42:22,416
Then we go back up.
877
00:42:22,416 --> 00:42:23,458
And that's the N.
878
00:42:23,458 --> 00:42:25,791
Probably the dumbest drawing
I've done in about five years,
879
00:42:25,791 --> 00:42:28,166
so I feel pretty good about that, yeah.
880
00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:31,083
I would love to get that on TV.
881
00:42:34,416 --> 00:42:37,833
{\an8}This is a calendar-based drawing.
So this is yesterday, actually.
882
00:42:43,750 --> 00:42:44,875
This is a still life.
883
00:42:44,875 --> 00:42:48,666
So this is a bowl of ice cream
with a cherry on top
884
00:42:48,666 --> 00:42:51,916
on a round place mat on a round side table
885
00:42:51,916 --> 00:42:53,666
on a round area rug, so...
886
00:42:57,250 --> 00:42:58,291
I love frisbees.
887
00:42:58,291 --> 00:43:00,916
Frisbees are, like, the only thing
you can throw at a stranger,
888
00:43:00,916 --> 00:43:02,083
and hit 'em with it,
889
00:43:02,708 --> 00:43:03,791
and it's okay.
890
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:06,833
Know what I mean?
891
00:43:06,833 --> 00:43:09,958
You hit some guy with a frisbee.
"What the fuck? Oh, it's a frisbee. Cool."
892
00:43:09,958 --> 00:43:10,875
"Here you go."
893
00:43:12,166 --> 00:43:15,166
You can go to the park alone
with just you and a frisbee.
894
00:43:15,166 --> 00:43:17,875
When people aren't looking,
you can just throw it at 'em and hit 'em.
895
00:43:20,125 --> 00:43:22,041
{\an8}Then you can be like, "Little help."
896
00:43:23,833 --> 00:43:26,416
{\an8}"Are you even here with anybody?"
"Thank you!"
897
00:43:29,666 --> 00:43:32,208
This is a landscape. That's Antarctica.
898
00:43:38,083 --> 00:43:40,041
{\an8}Finally, I have a graph here.
899
00:43:40,041 --> 00:43:42,833
{\an8}This is how much
things are improved with frosting.
900
00:43:42,833 --> 00:43:45,833
{\an8}So we have... Mini-Wheats
are greatly improved with frosting.
901
00:43:45,833 --> 00:43:48,708
{\an8}I think everybody can agree.
Frosted Mini Wheats, great.
902
00:43:48,708 --> 00:43:51,708
{\an8}Cupcakes, also, huge improvement
when you add the frosting.
903
00:43:51,708 --> 00:43:53,791
{\an8}They're good, but the frosting's great.
904
00:43:53,791 --> 00:43:56,458
{\an8}Cookies also very good with frosting.
905
00:43:57,166 --> 00:43:58,916
{\an8}We got a drop off here to tips.
906
00:43:58,916 --> 00:44:01,208
{\an8}So, uh, when you frost your tips,
907
00:44:01,208 --> 00:44:03,375
{\an8}I don't think it improves them much.
908
00:44:04,166 --> 00:44:07,083
{\an8}And that might be too generous.
I don't know if that's...
909
00:44:08,291 --> 00:44:10,250
{\an8}Frosted tips. Okay.
910
00:44:10,833 --> 00:44:12,375
That's some comedy right there.
911
00:44:12,375 --> 00:44:13,500
- [cheering]
- Thank you.
912
00:44:13,500 --> 00:44:15,166
Nice. This is a good crowd.
913
00:44:17,333 --> 00:44:20,583
I wanna give 'em something more,
like... hmm...
914
00:44:21,583 --> 00:44:23,875
Wait a minute.
I wonder if I could go back.
915
00:44:24,791 --> 00:44:27,166
Yeah, I think that could work.
916
00:44:28,041 --> 00:44:29,750
Okay, now I'm gonna try something.
917
00:44:29,750 --> 00:44:33,041
I'm gonna go back through the drawings
in the opposite direction
918
00:44:33,041 --> 00:44:35,583
and do a different joke
for each drawing we just saw.
919
00:44:35,583 --> 00:44:36,666
Let's see if we can...
920
00:44:37,708 --> 00:44:40,333
{\an8}Okay, this is a graph
going in that direction
921
00:44:40,333 --> 00:44:42,833
{\an8}of things that are more and more awkward
to give to a stripper.
922
00:44:42,833 --> 00:44:46,250
{\an8}So tips, not awkward at all.
That's pretty normal.
923
00:44:46,250 --> 00:44:49,000
{\an8}Cookies, we shoot way up
in awkwardness. That's weird.
924
00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:52,000
{\an8}Even weirder is cupcakes,
but the most awkward to give to a stripper
925
00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:53,791
{\an8}is Mini-Wheats, to be like,
926
00:44:53,791 --> 00:44:55,750
"Thank you for your dance."
927
00:44:55,750 --> 00:44:57,583
"Perhaps you can have these
for breakfast."
928
00:44:57,583 --> 00:45:01,041
"They are frosted,
which is superior, as we know, so..."
929
00:45:01,041 --> 00:45:02,291
[chuckles]
930
00:45:02,958 --> 00:45:04,000
This is a nude.
931
00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:06,708
It's, uh, it's a guy lying on his side.
932
00:45:06,708 --> 00:45:09,416
Uh, this is his butt cheek,
so it's a close-up.
933
00:45:10,958 --> 00:45:12,000
He's a white guy.
934
00:45:15,458 --> 00:45:17,083
One thing I hate is a frisbee.
935
00:45:17,083 --> 00:45:18,583
I hate frisbees.
936
00:45:18,583 --> 00:45:21,500
It's the only thing a stranger
can throw at you and hit you with
937
00:45:22,875 --> 00:45:25,125
and you can't get mad at 'em, you know?
I hate that.
938
00:45:28,333 --> 00:45:29,750
This is a tattoo
939
00:45:29,750 --> 00:45:31,333
I would never get.
940
00:45:32,833 --> 00:45:36,291
Especially in America. I just don't think
that's a good tattoo to get.
941
00:45:36,291 --> 00:45:37,375
[audience groaning]
942
00:45:37,375 --> 00:45:38,458
[Demetri chuckles]
943
00:45:38,458 --> 00:45:41,291
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- [laughter]
944
00:45:43,208 --> 00:45:45,291
This is a tattoo I would get, you know?
945
00:45:45,791 --> 00:45:48,125
I don't know if you can get tattoos
after you die,
946
00:45:48,125 --> 00:45:50,333
if you can have that in your will,
947
00:45:50,333 --> 00:45:52,916
say, "Hey, could I...
You know, first thing, please,
948
00:45:52,916 --> 00:45:55,291
if you could put an X
on each of my eyelids
949
00:45:56,750 --> 00:45:59,250
for the wake, I would appreciate it,"
and it's like...
950
00:45:59,250 --> 00:46:01,333
People'd come say,
"You know, he did like cartoons,
951
00:46:01,333 --> 00:46:03,041
so that makes a lotta sense."
952
00:46:05,083 --> 00:46:08,791
{\an8}This is how much hair and teeth
you have over the course of your life, so...
953
00:46:09,958 --> 00:46:11,708
{\an8}You're born, you have no hair or teeth,
954
00:46:11,708 --> 00:46:14,708
{\an8}then you get more and more hair and teeth,
and you reach the peak.
955
00:46:14,708 --> 00:46:17,291
{\an8}Then you start losing
your hair and your teeth.
956
00:46:17,291 --> 00:46:19,541
{\an8}And then you get fake hair and fake teeth
957
00:46:19,541 --> 00:46:23,291
{\an8}to be a bizarro version
of your earlier self.
958
00:46:25,750 --> 00:46:27,458
Okay. That's the R from behind.
959
00:46:27,458 --> 00:46:29,000
[raucous laughter]
960
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:30,916
[cheering and applause]
961
00:46:32,916 --> 00:46:34,875
[Demetri] Pretty tight butt on that R.
962
00:46:34,875 --> 00:46:35,958
[chuckles]
963
00:46:36,750 --> 00:46:37,666
That R works out.
964
00:46:37,666 --> 00:46:38,666
[chuckles]
965
00:46:42,208 --> 00:46:43,250
Massages.
966
00:46:45,958 --> 00:46:47,375
{\an8}A slight one is creepy.
967
00:46:48,291 --> 00:46:50,416
{\an8}It's creepy to get a slight massage.
968
00:46:50,416 --> 00:46:53,000
{\an8}That's... Someone's just fondling your back,
just...
969
00:46:54,416 --> 00:46:56,625
{\an8}A short massage is okay, sure,
if it's effective. Great.
970
00:46:56,625 --> 00:46:58,041
{\an8}Don't have to spend all day on it.
971
00:46:58,041 --> 00:46:59,708
{\an8}Too long is awkward. You're harassing me.
972
00:46:59,708 --> 00:47:02,750
{\an8}"Look, I've had to fart for 20 minutes.
Just get away."
973
00:47:05,958 --> 00:47:08,208
{\an8}Twirls at the end,
an uncomfortable feeling.
974
00:47:08,750 --> 00:47:11,916
{\an8}Somebody finishes a massage,
you're relaxed, then they just go...
975
00:47:14,541 --> 00:47:16,708
{\an8}"What was that about?
Is that a target or something?"
976
00:47:17,458 --> 00:47:19,583
{\an8}A slight hello is creepy always.
977
00:47:20,416 --> 00:47:21,250
{\an8}[softly] Hi.
978
00:47:24,208 --> 00:47:27,208
{\an8}A short hello is fine. Hey. Of course.
979
00:47:27,833 --> 00:47:29,000
{\an8}Too long is awkward.
980
00:47:29,000 --> 00:47:31,500
{\an8}Heeelloooo!
981
00:47:33,541 --> 00:47:36,125
{\an8}Twirls at the end,
that's an uncomfortable feeling.
982
00:47:36,125 --> 00:47:37,583
{\an8}You know? If they're like, "Hey."
983
00:47:40,791 --> 00:47:42,750
{\an8}Huh. That felt awkward.
984
00:47:42,750 --> 00:47:43,708
{\an8}Hey.
985
00:47:44,333 --> 00:47:45,333
{\an8}That was weird.
986
00:47:45,333 --> 00:47:46,958
{\an8}How 'bout, like, smoother?
987
00:47:48,250 --> 00:47:49,125
{\an8}Nope.
988
00:47:49,125 --> 00:47:50,500
- I'm gonna try that again.
- Hey!
989
00:47:50,500 --> 00:47:52,583
What about from a different angle? Nope.
990
00:47:52,583 --> 00:47:54,375
What about like this? Forget it.
991
00:47:54,375 --> 00:47:55,416
{\an8}Just move on.
992
00:47:55,416 --> 00:47:56,333
{\an8}All right.
993
00:47:57,083 --> 00:47:59,041
{\an8}Breakfast. Dinner.
994
00:47:59,791 --> 00:48:00,708
{\an8}Lunch.
995
00:48:02,875 --> 00:48:05,708
{\an8}This is how appropriate it is
to have French toast.
996
00:48:07,333 --> 00:48:09,541
{\an8}This is how appropriate it is
to have pasta.
997
00:48:11,125 --> 00:48:12,166
{\an8}At breakfast,
998
00:48:12,750 --> 00:48:14,333
{\an8}very appropriate to have French toast,
999
00:48:14,333 --> 00:48:18,208
{\an8}but as the day goes on, it becomes less
and less appropriate to have French toast.
1000
00:48:18,208 --> 00:48:19,708
{\an8}until at dinner,
1001
00:48:19,708 --> 00:48:21,833
{\an8}it's ridiculous to have French toast.
1002
00:48:22,666 --> 00:48:23,916
{\an8}At the very same time,
1003
00:48:23,916 --> 00:48:27,750
{\an8}pasta, which was
completely inappropriate at breakfast,
1004
00:48:27,750 --> 00:48:30,291
{\an8}becomes more and more appropriate
until at dinner,
1005
00:48:30,291 --> 00:48:32,625
{\an8}it's completely appropriate to have pasta.
1006
00:48:33,500 --> 00:48:35,208
{\an8}But there's a point
in the middle of the day,
1007
00:48:35,708 --> 00:48:39,000
{\an8}when it's equally appropriate
to have French toast or pasta,
1008
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:41,916
{\an8}and this is when
you're most likely to eat carbohydrates.
1009
00:48:42,666 --> 00:48:44,541
[audience applauding, whooping]
1010
00:48:45,375 --> 00:48:46,208
Yeah.
1011
00:48:47,291 --> 00:48:48,125
I'll take that.
1012
00:48:50,583 --> 00:48:54,791
Okay, I can only speak for the men here,
but when you're standing in cold water...
1013
00:48:54,791 --> 00:48:55,708
These are pants
1014
00:48:56,375 --> 00:48:57,333
and this is water.
1015
00:48:57,916 --> 00:49:01,000
You're like, "That's pretty cold water.
I think I know how cold."
1016
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:03,041
But then it starts moving up your legs,
1017
00:49:03,041 --> 00:49:06,416
and you don't really know how cold it is
until it gets to the tip,
1018
00:49:06,416 --> 00:49:07,750
then you're like, "Oooh!"
1019
00:49:08,541 --> 00:49:10,125
[chuckles] "That's very cold."
1020
00:49:10,125 --> 00:49:12,083
"Retreat. Retreat!"
1021
00:49:16,791 --> 00:49:18,916
Finally, this stands for Demetri sleeping.
1022
00:49:18,916 --> 00:49:21,666
So this is my mouth. That's my nose.
1023
00:49:21,666 --> 00:49:23,458
That's my hair. And that's my eye.
1024
00:49:24,125 --> 00:49:25,750
[audience applauding, whooping]
1025
00:49:25,750 --> 00:49:27,833
[Demetri] That's me sleeping on my back.
1026
00:49:27,833 --> 00:49:29,750
- [soft jazz music playing]
- Comedy.
1027
00:49:30,916 --> 00:49:33,541
[audience cheering, whistling]
1028
00:49:33,541 --> 00:49:35,541
[Demetri] Thank you. Thank you, guys.
1029
00:49:36,750 --> 00:49:38,625
- I appreciate it.
- [machine beeping]
1030
00:49:39,875 --> 00:49:42,000
[man 1] Oh, okay. You're all done.
1031
00:49:42,000 --> 00:49:43,375
How do you feel?
1032
00:49:43,375 --> 00:49:44,625
It felt very real.
1033
00:49:44,625 --> 00:49:46,083
- Very vivid.
- [man 1] Right.
1034
00:49:46,083 --> 00:49:47,041
Just, like,
1035
00:49:47,833 --> 00:49:49,791
it's like I was really doing a special.
1036
00:49:49,791 --> 00:49:51,208
Does your mind feel less blocked?
1037
00:49:51,208 --> 00:49:53,250
I feel funny. My head is very hot,
1038
00:49:53,250 --> 00:49:55,541
like, almost like
it's maybe slightly... burnt.
1039
00:49:55,541 --> 00:49:58,000
Well, that is normal. [chuckles uneasily]
1040
00:49:58,000 --> 00:50:00,166
Uh, the good news is, uh,
1041
00:50:00,166 --> 00:50:02,583
we know what is wrong with you exactly.
1042
00:50:02,583 --> 00:50:05,208
- Oh.
- Your brain is constipated.
1043
00:50:05,208 --> 00:50:06,291
[Demetri sighs]
1044
00:50:07,375 --> 00:50:08,208
Oh.
1045
00:50:08,875 --> 00:50:10,000
Is that serious?
1046
00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:10,958
Yeah.
1047
00:50:10,958 --> 00:50:12,958
I don't know how else to put it.
1048
00:50:12,958 --> 00:50:15,000
There's too much in there.
1049
00:50:16,041 --> 00:50:19,958
Yeah. Right, the first step
will be a, uh, mental laxative.
1050
00:50:19,958 --> 00:50:20,916
Uh...
1051
00:50:22,375 --> 00:50:23,500
A mental laxative?
1052
00:50:24,500 --> 00:50:25,666
Yeah.
1053
00:50:27,375 --> 00:50:29,000
[soft jazz music playing]
1054
00:51:11,666 --> 00:51:13,583
[music fades out]