1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:09,333 --> 00:00:11,916 Standby for systems check. 4 00:00:13,125 --> 00:00:14,333 Interfaces loading. 5 00:00:14,333 --> 00:00:16,083 Cerebral cortex. Optimal. 6 00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:18,291 Check. Auditory channel is linked. 7 00:00:18,291 --> 00:00:21,041 Sub-vocalization. Sub-vocalization strong. 8 00:00:21,041 --> 00:00:23,916 Okay, Mr. Martin. Are you ready? Yeah, I think so. 9 00:00:23,916 --> 00:00:26,583 - I feel funny, so yeah, I think I'm ready. Good. 10 00:00:26,583 --> 00:00:29,750 And I'm, not... There's no chance of, like, electrocution or, uh, 11 00:00:29,750 --> 00:00:31,458 brain damage or anything? 12 00:00:31,458 --> 00:00:32,666 Oh! 13 00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:35,125 No. No, not anymore. 14 00:00:35,666 --> 00:00:38,041 - Just try to focus your mind, please. Okay. 15 00:00:38,041 --> 00:00:40,375 System fully booted. How far are we? 16 00:00:40,375 --> 00:00:42,833 Seven seconds. How's the visual cortex? 17 00:00:42,833 --> 00:00:44,583 We did not get color. 18 00:00:44,583 --> 00:00:46,750 Okay. It's all right. Let's initiate. 19 00:00:47,291 --> 00:00:49,291 Mr. Martin, when you're ready. 20 00:00:49,291 --> 00:00:51,875 - Okay. 21 00:00:54,291 --> 00:00:56,583 Comedy. 22 00:00:56,583 --> 00:00:58,333 Get into a comedy state of mind. 23 00:01:00,916 --> 00:01:02,375 Picture a theater. 24 00:01:04,541 --> 00:01:06,083 Doesn't have to be a big one. 25 00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:08,708 You're in the theater. 26 00:01:09,666 --> 00:01:10,666 Not in the seats. 27 00:01:11,291 --> 00:01:12,291 You're onstage. 28 00:01:17,416 --> 00:01:18,666 {\an8}Okay, the stage is set. 29 00:01:19,166 --> 00:01:21,625 {\an8}Pretty standard. You've got curtain, lights. 30 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,875 You have all the things you need to do a comedy show. 31 00:01:31,833 --> 00:01:32,875 Looks clean. 32 00:01:34,250 --> 00:01:36,750 All right, and... you come out. 33 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:38,875 Not like that. 34 00:01:41,458 --> 00:01:44,458 No. Oh, ju... Ah... 35 00:01:44,458 --> 00:01:45,750 You come out. 36 00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:47,416 That's worse. 37 00:01:47,416 --> 00:01:49,833 You don't... You don't enter. You're already onstage. 38 00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:52,750 No, you're not just standing there like that, waiting. 39 00:01:52,750 --> 00:01:55,041 You're onstage, but it's a black screen. 40 00:01:55,041 --> 00:01:56,291 They can't see you yet. 41 00:01:56,291 --> 00:01:59,083 - Yes, the show's already started. 42 00:01:59,083 --> 00:02:01,000 Thank you. Thank you, guys. 43 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,208 And then we come in... 44 00:02:02,208 --> 00:02:03,500 I appreciate that. 45 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:07,916 Thank you. Uh, you know, I have to say, I feel like I have the best fans. 46 00:02:07,916 --> 00:02:11,041 Um, very grateful for the fans I've had over the years 47 00:02:11,041 --> 00:02:13,666 who've stuck with me and seen the shows I've done 48 00:02:13,666 --> 00:02:14,750 and everything. 49 00:02:14,750 --> 00:02:16,583 And one thing I'll say is 50 00:02:16,583 --> 00:02:19,375 I think what's so cool about my fans is they're very... 51 00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:22,666 - very subtle, very cool... 52 00:02:22,666 --> 00:02:23,666 ...very respectful. 53 00:02:23,666 --> 00:02:26,375 Like, you know, I'll be out, like, at a farmers' market, 54 00:02:26,375 --> 00:02:29,791 you know, and, um, no one will... 55 00:02:32,291 --> 00:02:34,500 ...come up to me, or... or... 56 00:02:35,041 --> 00:02:37,958 or bother me, or even look at me, you know what I mean? It's just, like... 57 00:02:38,458 --> 00:02:40,916 And I'll even go up to people and talk to them and engage them, 58 00:02:40,916 --> 00:02:43,375 and they'll be like, "Yeah, who are you?" And I'm like... 59 00:02:43,875 --> 00:02:45,875 "Thank you," you know? "I appreciate that." 60 00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:47,958 And they're like, "Sure. Whatever." 61 00:02:47,958 --> 00:02:49,666 So, you know, very cool. 62 00:02:49,666 --> 00:02:53,416 I have noticed that if you're a fan of somebody, you can say you're a fan, 63 00:02:53,416 --> 00:02:55,833 a big fan, a huge fan, 64 00:02:55,833 --> 00:02:57,125 their biggest fan. 65 00:02:57,125 --> 00:03:00,666 I feel like you can go regular size and up for fan size. 66 00:03:00,666 --> 00:03:04,583 That's fine, but if you go smaller than regular size, 67 00:03:05,208 --> 00:03:07,250 it gets weird really fast, you know? 68 00:03:07,250 --> 00:03:09,708 If I see a musician in the airport that I like, I'm like, 69 00:03:09,708 --> 00:03:12,833 "Sorry to bother you. I am a tiny fan of your music." 70 00:03:14,208 --> 00:03:17,541 "What's that?" "Yeah, I like the chorus in one of your songs, 71 00:03:17,541 --> 00:03:20,791 but the rest of it's not really for me. You know, keep trying." 72 00:03:20,791 --> 00:03:23,333 "Anyway, I'm your smallest fan. Thank you. Tiny fan." 73 00:03:26,708 --> 00:03:29,166 Some fans are kinda weird. I've definitely had, 74 00:03:29,166 --> 00:03:31,125 um, aggression from certain fans. 75 00:03:31,125 --> 00:03:33,500 Like, um, I got an email from a woman. 76 00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:34,583 She said... 77 00:03:37,333 --> 00:03:38,750 - I was like... 78 00:03:40,791 --> 00:03:44,000 "Threaten me into coming to Seattle? That's kinda weird." 79 00:03:46,458 --> 00:03:49,750 If you wanna bump up a threat, you just turn it into a promise. 80 00:03:49,750 --> 00:03:51,625 For some reason, that will escalate the threat. 81 00:03:52,250 --> 00:03:53,833 You know, "I'm gonna kick your ass." 82 00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:56,000 "Oh, is that a threat?" "No, that's a promise." 83 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:57,916 "Whoa, shit. A promise? Uh-oh." 84 00:03:58,416 --> 00:04:00,291 "This guy's reliable. That's scary." 85 00:04:02,583 --> 00:04:03,791 It doesn't work the other way. 86 00:04:03,791 --> 00:04:06,750 You can't downgrade a promise by turning it into a threat. 87 00:04:08,041 --> 00:04:10,750 "I'm gonna take out the garbage." "Is that a promise?" 88 00:04:11,250 --> 00:04:14,041 -"No, that's a threat, sweetie." 89 00:04:14,041 --> 00:04:16,666 "You better watch your ass. I might clean the kitchen too." 90 00:04:18,541 --> 00:04:20,750 I make a lotta threats in my house. 91 00:04:22,375 --> 00:04:25,291 With broccoli, I wonder if God was thinking something like, 92 00:04:26,125 --> 00:04:29,041 "How far are they willing to go in order to eat healthy?" 93 00:04:32,375 --> 00:04:33,250 "What do you mean?" 94 00:04:33,250 --> 00:04:35,666 "I'm saying, do you think they would eat a fart?" 95 00:04:38,166 --> 00:04:41,625 "A fart?" "Yes, I'm gonna do this vegetable that will release farts." 96 00:04:41,625 --> 00:04:43,875 "When they heat it up, it will smell like farts." 97 00:04:43,875 --> 00:04:47,083 "The house will smell like someone went from room to room 98 00:04:47,083 --> 00:04:50,625 just unloading the freshest farts they could, you know?" 99 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:53,125 {\an8}"And I'm gonna make it look like a fart." 100 00:04:53,125 --> 00:04:56,208 {\an8}"If you hold a piece from the side, it'll look like, um... 101 00:04:56,958 --> 00:04:59,125 {\an8}a fart captured in space and time." 102 00:04:59,125 --> 00:05:02,041 {\an8}"Like a 3D... The floret would be the cloud of the fart 103 00:05:02,041 --> 00:05:03,541 {\an8}and the stem would be the shaft." 104 00:05:03,541 --> 00:05:05,958 "It'll be green, and you're like, 'Oh yeah, that's good.'" 105 00:05:06,666 --> 00:05:09,000 "And I'll do a variation for sort of a high-pitched fart 106 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,833 that's kinda long, you know, like broccolini." 107 00:05:10,833 --> 00:05:12,333 "It'll be like, 'Brr... Pfft!" 108 00:05:14,166 --> 00:05:15,458 "Very nice, yeah." 109 00:05:16,666 --> 00:05:18,166 Horses have mullets. 110 00:05:21,583 --> 00:05:24,166 I just realized that recently. I didn't know horses... 111 00:05:24,166 --> 00:05:27,500 Those are mullets. It's a very long mullet on the horse, you know? 112 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,791 Makes a lot of sense. Horses, you know, they're country folk really. 113 00:05:33,791 --> 00:05:37,416 Not the most educated animal, I'd say, the horse. It's kinda... 114 00:05:37,416 --> 00:05:41,500 Plus, with those teeth, I do think it goes together, the hair and the teeth. 115 00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:45,625 People have told me to hold my horses so many times in my life. 116 00:05:46,708 --> 00:05:49,291 And not once have they later had the courtesy 117 00:05:49,291 --> 00:05:50,666 to say, "Hey, by the way, 118 00:05:51,208 --> 00:05:53,208 you can release your horses. It's cool." 119 00:05:56,458 --> 00:05:58,833 I'm holding hundreds of horses 120 00:06:00,625 --> 00:06:02,083 through my life, you know? 121 00:06:02,083 --> 00:06:03,500 Please, let me release... 122 00:06:05,458 --> 00:06:08,666 I think that concludes the horse portion of my show for tonight. 123 00:06:08,666 --> 00:06:10,000 So yeah. 124 00:06:12,041 --> 00:06:15,000 Thank you. 125 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,875 I wonder if leopards look trashy to other animals. 126 00:06:21,875 --> 00:06:23,666 "Wow, okay. You gonna wear that?" 127 00:06:23,666 --> 00:06:24,666 "Okay..." 128 00:06:25,541 --> 00:06:27,083 "Head to toe, that's..." 129 00:06:28,458 --> 00:06:29,583 "Pretty bold there." 130 00:06:29,583 --> 00:06:32,916 "That's a classy cat, the leopard, for sure." 131 00:06:33,625 --> 00:06:36,208 My friends, uh, they told me they were gonna adopt a dog. 132 00:06:36,208 --> 00:06:38,583 I'm happy for them. I was like, "That's great, you guys, 133 00:06:38,583 --> 00:06:40,625 and I think adoption is your best strategy." 134 00:06:40,625 --> 00:06:42,333 "I think that's a good way to do it. 135 00:06:44,458 --> 00:06:46,958 "I think anything else gets strange, yeah." 136 00:06:46,958 --> 00:06:48,375 "We're gonna get a surrogate." 137 00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:50,708 "No, no, no. Just... You should adopt." 138 00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:53,833 Whether you're dog person or a cat person, 139 00:06:53,833 --> 00:06:55,500 I think we can all agree 140 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:57,125 that your house smells. 141 00:07:03,208 --> 00:07:05,166 And you don't realize it. That's... 142 00:07:05,166 --> 00:07:06,958 That's the smell of love, I think. 143 00:07:06,958 --> 00:07:08,791 Meow. - Yeah. 144 00:07:08,791 --> 00:07:11,541 Okay. Her house definitely smells. 145 00:07:12,125 --> 00:07:13,958 Anyway, stay focused. 146 00:07:14,458 --> 00:07:16,791 Sometimes when I go to a store and I go to pay, 147 00:07:16,791 --> 00:07:18,166 I have all my stuff out, 148 00:07:18,791 --> 00:07:21,666 and then the cashier in, like, a very condescending tone 149 00:07:21,666 --> 00:07:24,125 will just look at my stuff and go, "Is that it?" 150 00:07:27,166 --> 00:07:29,958 Like they're not impressed with what I picked, you know? 151 00:07:31,291 --> 00:07:35,041 That's why now, I usually just save something in my back pocket. 152 00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:38,791 Then they say, "Is that it?" 153 00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:40,875 And I go, "No, actually, that's not it." 154 00:07:43,041 --> 00:07:43,916 "Gum!" 155 00:07:45,375 --> 00:07:46,291 "That's it, baby." 156 00:07:46,291 --> 00:07:48,875 "I'm sorry, wait a minute. That's not it. What's this?" 157 00:07:50,625 --> 00:07:51,916 "Triple A batteries." 158 00:07:52,791 --> 00:07:55,750 "That hurt my ankle, but I think that might've been... worth it." 159 00:07:55,750 --> 00:07:59,333 "I'm sorry, hold on for a second." And I just keep pulling stuff out. 160 00:07:59,833 --> 00:08:02,875 Just, like, five minutes later, there's just a pile of "it." 161 00:08:05,166 --> 00:08:07,750 Cashier's like, "Hey, I'm at register four, and, um... 162 00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:10,583 there's an idiot up here, and I'm not sure what to do." 163 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:14,166 "It's never it for this guy. I've never seen anything like this." 164 00:08:15,750 --> 00:08:18,833 I'd finish paying, then leave the store. Fifteen minutes later, I'd call back. 165 00:08:18,833 --> 00:08:21,375 {\an8}"Can I talk to the cashier at register four, please? Thank you." 166 00:08:21,875 --> 00:08:22,875 "Hey, it's me." 167 00:08:22,875 --> 00:08:25,708 "Can you do me a favor and check your back left pocket?" 168 00:08:27,833 --> 00:08:28,958 "That's it." 169 00:08:33,083 --> 00:08:35,958 I like to shoplift, but I don't leave the store with the stuff. 170 00:08:35,958 --> 00:08:38,375 You still get the high, but you don't get in trouble. 171 00:08:39,541 --> 00:08:41,125 Just take shit, put it in my pockets. 172 00:08:41,125 --> 00:08:42,958 Just look at 'em, make eye contact. 173 00:08:42,958 --> 00:08:45,166 Keep taking shit. Just sneak around. 174 00:08:45,166 --> 00:08:48,208 Just look at 'em right in the eye as you put stuff in your pockets. 175 00:08:48,208 --> 00:08:50,375 Then I put everything back where I got it from. 176 00:08:50,375 --> 00:08:51,458 Then I'm like... 177 00:08:54,208 --> 00:08:57,291 "You got nothing, man. That's shopshifting. I can do that." 178 00:08:59,250 --> 00:09:01,958 "I'm just moving stuff around the store in a sneaky way." 179 00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:03,583 "I'm a shopshifter." 180 00:09:05,458 --> 00:09:07,958 I like to get a gift receipt sometimes for something stupid. 181 00:09:07,958 --> 00:09:10,333 I'll be buying toothpaste and be like, "I'm sorry. Oh!" 182 00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:13,666 "Could I get a gift receipt for that toothpaste? That'd be fantastic." 183 00:09:14,250 --> 00:09:15,625 I love shopping for toothpaste. 184 00:09:15,625 --> 00:09:17,791 Toothpaste is one of the funniest things to buy. 185 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,416 You go in the toothpaste aisle, 186 00:09:19,416 --> 00:09:22,208 and you enter some sort of adjectives arms race. 187 00:09:23,416 --> 00:09:24,750 There's sensitive formula, 188 00:09:24,750 --> 00:09:28,000 there's gum health, there's whitening, there's tartar control. 189 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,916 It's like, at this point, if I had a toothpaste company, 190 00:09:30,916 --> 00:09:33,083 I would just put any adjectives on there. 191 00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:35,166 What's the difference? You know? 192 00:09:35,166 --> 00:09:36,958 Be like, "Crest, atheist formula." 193 00:09:40,708 --> 00:09:41,833 "What does this do?" 194 00:09:48,416 --> 00:09:50,125 {\an8}"Extra strength? Shit!" 195 00:09:53,791 --> 00:09:54,625 What? 196 00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:59,166 "Gonna gentrify my mouth?" 197 00:10:01,041 --> 00:10:01,916 "Kinda weird." 198 00:10:17,125 --> 00:10:19,791 I still like paying with cash for stuff. 199 00:10:20,375 --> 00:10:22,083 It's... It's liberating. 200 00:10:22,083 --> 00:10:23,458 "Here's the money." 201 00:10:23,458 --> 00:10:26,208 Sometimes I have a hundred-dollar bill. That's kind of exciting. 202 00:10:26,708 --> 00:10:30,416 Except for when I pay with a hundred, now I'm under investigation. 203 00:10:30,416 --> 00:10:32,500 I give 'em the hundred, and they're just like... 204 00:10:36,166 --> 00:10:38,666 Take out this marker like they're gonna catch a counterfeiter. 205 00:10:38,666 --> 00:10:40,500 Yeah, that's what I'm counterfeiting. 206 00:10:41,625 --> 00:10:44,083 When they do that, I just go, "Never mind! Thanks!" 207 00:10:47,083 --> 00:10:49,500 "You want a counterfeiter. There, you've got one. Okay?" 208 00:10:50,708 --> 00:10:52,416 Counterfeiting's kinda fascinating 209 00:10:52,416 --> 00:10:56,875 because that's a crime that seems to require talent 210 00:10:56,875 --> 00:10:58,250 to even count as a crime. 211 00:10:58,250 --> 00:11:02,166 Don't you have to be good enough at counterfeiting to get arrested for it? 212 00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:05,625 I mean, what's the shittiest job at counterfeiting I can do, 213 00:11:05,625 --> 00:11:07,083 and I go to jail? 214 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:10,041 If I take a piece of paper and I just write $100 on it, 215 00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:13,666 go to the store, pick out a bunch of stuff. 216 00:11:14,333 --> 00:11:17,250 Then I go to pay. They ring me up. I'm like, "Here you go." 217 00:11:17,750 --> 00:11:19,500 I mean, do they have to go, "Okay..." 218 00:11:25,416 --> 00:11:27,750 Like, do the whole thing? You know what I mean? 219 00:11:27,750 --> 00:11:30,500 Maybe there's a manual for when they're in that situation. 220 00:11:30,500 --> 00:11:33,291 They have to look, the cashiers. "Okay, just ask this question." 221 00:11:33,291 --> 00:11:35,791 "Okay, sir, I just have to ask you this one question legally 222 00:11:35,791 --> 00:11:37,083 before I ring you up." 223 00:11:37,083 --> 00:11:40,250 "Um, do you think that I think that this is a hundred-dollar bill?" 224 00:11:43,041 --> 00:11:44,708 "Ah, yeah. Good question." 225 00:11:44,708 --> 00:11:46,666 "Do you think that I think 226 00:11:46,666 --> 00:11:51,166 that you think it's a hundred-dollar bill? I'm just curious. Before I say my thing." 227 00:11:51,166 --> 00:11:52,125 "Um..." 228 00:11:53,166 --> 00:11:54,041 "Uh, hold on." 229 00:11:54,041 --> 00:11:57,333 Then I go back over here, and I say, "You know what? Never mind." 230 00:11:57,333 --> 00:12:00,708 "I'll pay another way." Just give me back my hundred. Um..." 231 00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:03,750 "I'm gonna pay with Bitcoin." "Oh..." 232 00:12:03,750 --> 00:12:04,708 "Here you go." 233 00:12:05,666 --> 00:12:08,708 "Uh, this is just a coin with the word 'bit' written on it." 234 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,083 "Yeah, I'm doing a bit. I'm a comedian, so it's..." 235 00:12:14,791 --> 00:12:16,333 "Kinda doing a bit, you know?" 236 00:12:16,333 --> 00:12:19,958 "So it's like a play on words. Kind of a little prop joke for you." 237 00:12:19,958 --> 00:12:21,041 "You're a comedian?" 238 00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:23,291 "Yeah, I do standup. I'm a standup comic." 239 00:12:23,291 --> 00:12:25,500 "Cool. Do you, like, tell stories, or...?" 240 00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:28,916 "No, it's mostly kinda short jokes, but then I'll have little bits." 241 00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:30,708 "Sometimes a scene or something." 242 00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,708 "Oh. Is this one of your jokes?" 243 00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:35,416 "Actually, it is, yeah. This is a joke I'm gonna do. 244 00:12:35,916 --> 00:12:37,666 "Oh, really? Am I in your joke?" 245 00:12:37,666 --> 00:12:40,000 "You are, yeah. We're the two people in the joke." 246 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,666 "I'm playing me, and you're the cashier." 247 00:12:41,666 --> 00:12:44,500 "Oh, you do, like, a funny voice every time I talk?" 248 00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:47,291 "No, that's not really my style. I don't, um... 249 00:12:48,083 --> 00:12:51,541 change my voice. I just change which way my head is looking." 250 00:12:51,541 --> 00:12:53,333 "And that indicates who's talking." 251 00:12:53,333 --> 00:12:55,083 "So, this is me." "And this is me." 252 00:12:55,083 --> 00:12:58,666 "Exactly, so they're... It sounded the same, but, you see, we're different people." 253 00:12:58,666 --> 00:13:00,791 "I think I understand based on where you're looking." 254 00:13:00,791 --> 00:13:03,166 -"You got it." 255 00:13:03,166 --> 00:13:05,083 "So you don't have an ending for this joke?" 256 00:13:06,541 --> 00:13:08,250 - Thanks. 257 00:13:17,708 --> 00:13:19,666 I should do something different. 258 00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:20,958 I could have a guest. 259 00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:24,750 I don't usually do this, but I wanna share the stage with someone. 260 00:13:24,750 --> 00:13:27,375 I have a guest for tonight's show, so I'm really excited. 261 00:13:27,375 --> 00:13:29,958 I'm gonna bring the guest on right now. Here we go. 262 00:13:33,583 --> 00:13:35,000 All right, great. 263 00:13:36,541 --> 00:13:38,750 So I'd love to see... All right. There you are. 264 00:13:40,625 --> 00:13:43,208 So can you check your mic and just see if they can hear you? 265 00:13:43,208 --> 00:13:45,583 Sure. Uh, check, check. 266 00:13:46,250 --> 00:13:48,958 Evil, evil. Shit, shit. Check. 267 00:13:50,291 --> 00:13:52,416 You wanna introduce yourself to the crowd? 268 00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:56,000 Sure. Um, I'm a demon from the underworld. 269 00:13:56,791 --> 00:13:58,291 So you're, like, a devil from hell? 270 00:13:58,291 --> 00:14:01,291 No, there's only one devil. The devil. 271 00:14:01,291 --> 00:14:03,750 I'm a demon. I work for the devil. 272 00:14:03,750 --> 00:14:04,666 You understand? 273 00:14:04,666 --> 00:14:07,208 Yeah, I'm sorry. Well, thank you for being here. 274 00:14:07,208 --> 00:14:08,125 Fuck you! 275 00:14:08,125 --> 00:14:09,041 Okay. 276 00:14:10,875 --> 00:14:14,833 So, uh, so you work in hell? That's what you're saying? You actually work there? 277 00:14:14,833 --> 00:14:16,750 Yeah, that's right. I work in hell. 278 00:14:16,750 --> 00:14:18,250 What kinda job are you doing? 279 00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:20,041 It's an entry-level position. 280 00:14:20,041 --> 00:14:23,333 I just started, so doing a desk job. 281 00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:24,333 Oh, what kind? 282 00:14:24,333 --> 00:14:27,083 Clerical work. Mostly doing clerical stuff. 283 00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:28,500 I see, and how is that? 284 00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:31,125 It fuckin' sucks! It's hell. What do you think? 285 00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:33,833 Right, of course. I'm sorry. 286 00:14:34,333 --> 00:14:36,291 So what department are you working in? 287 00:14:36,291 --> 00:14:37,875 I work in processing, 288 00:14:37,875 --> 00:14:41,583 so I help process people who just got to hell. 289 00:14:41,583 --> 00:14:43,291 New... New arrivals. 290 00:14:43,291 --> 00:14:44,500 Ah, I see. 291 00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:46,875 Are you busy? What's the work like there? 292 00:14:46,875 --> 00:14:49,208 Oh, we're so fucking busy. 293 00:14:49,208 --> 00:14:50,583 It's unbelievable. 294 00:14:50,583 --> 00:14:53,625 The last few years have been incredible for us. 295 00:14:53,625 --> 00:14:54,875 Did you guys do social media? 296 00:14:54,875 --> 00:14:56,666 Oh yeah, that was us. 297 00:14:56,666 --> 00:15:00,875 Ahh. That makes sense because I'm not good at social media and stuff, you know, 298 00:15:00,875 --> 00:15:04,541 but when I use it, I always feel sort of worse afterwards, you know? 299 00:15:04,541 --> 00:15:06,250 Yeah, totally. That's the idea. 300 00:15:06,250 --> 00:15:09,416 It's just to make you a shittier version of yourself, 301 00:15:10,250 --> 00:15:11,958 and to share that with everyone. 302 00:15:11,958 --> 00:15:14,291 Well, yeah, that's cool. It works, for sure. 303 00:15:14,291 --> 00:15:18,083 So is the idea that you... you're... you're trying to, uh, sorta... advance 304 00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:19,333 in... in your job? 305 00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:21,750 Will you... Will you move up if you do well? 306 00:15:21,750 --> 00:15:23,041 Uh, move down. 307 00:15:23,041 --> 00:15:25,333 It's the opposite direction 'cause it's hell, 308 00:15:25,333 --> 00:15:26,916 so you go deeper into hell. 309 00:15:26,916 --> 00:15:28,958 I see. So you don't get promoted. 310 00:15:28,958 --> 00:15:30,958 No, you get demoted. You got it. 311 00:15:30,958 --> 00:15:32,250 Okay, cool. 312 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,291 Right now I have a dessert fork. 313 00:15:35,291 --> 00:15:36,666 You have a dessert fork? 314 00:15:36,666 --> 00:15:40,041 Yeah, you start with a dessert fork, then you get a salad fork, 315 00:15:40,041 --> 00:15:43,000 then a dinner fork, then a serving fork, 316 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:47,041 and then eventually you get a pitchfork, if you get demoted far enough. 317 00:15:47,041 --> 00:15:49,916 I see. - But the dessert fork is good. 318 00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:53,166 You can stab people in the ass with it, gouge their eye out, 319 00:15:53,166 --> 00:15:54,625 you know, stuff like that. 320 00:15:54,625 --> 00:15:55,625 Oh. 321 00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:02,250 So what kinda... What kinda souls are you seeing? What kinda people? 322 00:16:02,250 --> 00:16:05,291 Uh, people who clip their nails on public transit. 323 00:16:05,291 --> 00:16:06,666 You go to hell for that. 324 00:16:08,416 --> 00:16:10,625 - Wow. - It's fuckin' disgusting. 325 00:16:10,625 --> 00:16:13,791 You don't clip your nails on a bus. Everybody knows that. 326 00:16:14,458 --> 00:16:17,541 Right, of course. Who else is going to hell? 327 00:16:17,541 --> 00:16:19,708 Uh, people who park diagonally 328 00:16:19,708 --> 00:16:23,375 and take up two parking spaces for their precious car. 329 00:16:23,375 --> 00:16:25,000 You go to hell for that, so... 330 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,458 I see. 331 00:16:26,458 --> 00:16:30,208 If you drive a black BMW, that pretty much does it on its own. 332 00:16:30,208 --> 00:16:31,458 Wow. 333 00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:33,458 Jesus. 334 00:16:33,458 --> 00:16:35,416 People who say "adulting." 335 00:16:35,416 --> 00:16:36,625 Wow. Yeah. 336 00:16:37,708 --> 00:16:39,208 Adult is not a verb. 337 00:16:39,208 --> 00:16:40,750 Welcome to hell, shithead! 338 00:16:43,875 --> 00:16:46,250 People who say, "I don't make the rules." 339 00:16:46,250 --> 00:16:47,916 Uh-huh. I'm with you. 340 00:16:50,291 --> 00:16:52,500 People who get a vest for their dog 341 00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:55,916 just so they can bring it on the plane and call it a service animal 342 00:16:55,916 --> 00:16:57,583 when we all know it isn't. 343 00:16:58,708 --> 00:17:01,166 You and your dog can go to hell, asshole. 344 00:17:03,541 --> 00:17:04,583 Wow. 345 00:17:05,916 --> 00:17:08,333 Um, how exactly do you get demoted, then? 346 00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:10,583 How do you move down in hell? Is it a seniority thing? 347 00:17:10,583 --> 00:17:12,875 You have to come up with your own project, 348 00:17:12,875 --> 00:17:18,041 your own original shitty idea to make the world a worse place. 349 00:17:18,041 --> 00:17:20,416 And then if you do that, you get demoted. 350 00:17:20,416 --> 00:17:22,583 I see. So it's almost like a PhD? 351 00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:24,083 Yeah, it's like a PhD. 352 00:17:24,083 --> 00:17:26,625 You gotta defend your thing and everything. 353 00:17:26,625 --> 00:17:29,416 So do you have an area, a project or anything you're working on? 354 00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,750 I don't know. I'm trying to come up with one. 355 00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:35,916 Uh, I was thinking of working with the airlines, doing something there, 356 00:17:35,916 --> 00:17:39,666 but it's really pecked over. Pretty much every idea's been taken already. 357 00:17:39,666 --> 00:17:41,250 Fuck yeah, man. 358 00:17:42,208 --> 00:17:44,291 My friend had a great one. 359 00:17:44,291 --> 00:17:46,541 Uh, you know when you're in the supermarket, 360 00:17:46,541 --> 00:17:48,791 and there's those little produce bags? 361 00:17:48,791 --> 00:17:51,541 Those little plastic bags that are impossible to open? 362 00:17:51,541 --> 00:17:53,666 Yeah, those. Those are the fuckin' best. 363 00:17:53,666 --> 00:17:55,458 That was my friend's project. 364 00:17:57,875 --> 00:17:59,833 - I hate that. - Yeah. 365 00:17:59,833 --> 00:18:02,458 You know when you're driving and you're going straight? 366 00:18:02,458 --> 00:18:03,875 Yeah, of course. 367 00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:05,916 Yeah, and you're in the right lane, 368 00:18:05,916 --> 00:18:10,291 and then, all of a sudden, it turns into a right-turn-only lane? 369 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,125 Oh, I hate that. 370 00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:15,833 Yeah, and now you've gotta cut someone off to get into the middle lane 371 00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:17,333 just to keep going straight, 372 00:18:17,333 --> 00:18:20,375 which is what you thought you were doing in the first place, 373 00:18:20,375 --> 00:18:21,833 and now you're an asshole. 374 00:18:21,833 --> 00:18:24,375 - Yeah. - That's my friend's project. 375 00:18:30,541 --> 00:18:34,041 All right, well, I wish you luck. I'm gonna get back to the show. 376 00:18:34,041 --> 00:18:35,583 You're on the cusp. 377 00:18:35,583 --> 00:18:37,208 I'm on the cusp? For going to hell? 378 00:18:37,208 --> 00:18:39,333 You're on the cusp for going to hell. 379 00:18:39,333 --> 00:18:40,666 Really? 380 00:18:40,666 --> 00:18:43,500 I'm surprised. I've never... killed anybody 381 00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:44,958 or cheated on anybody. 382 00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:48,208 I don't say "nucular." What have I done that I'm gonna go to hell for? 383 00:18:48,208 --> 00:18:49,958 When you go bowling, 384 00:18:49,958 --> 00:18:54,458 you wait till the person in the lane next to you is about to roll their ball, 385 00:18:55,583 --> 00:18:59,458 then you bowl at the exact same time as that person. 386 00:18:59,458 --> 00:19:00,375 It's kinda funny. 387 00:19:00,375 --> 00:19:04,500 It's not funny. You're being a dick. It's not synchronized bowling. Cut it out. 388 00:19:05,083 --> 00:19:06,125 Prick. 389 00:19:06,125 --> 00:19:07,125 Anything else? 390 00:19:07,125 --> 00:19:09,625 You watch people parallel park. 391 00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:16,333 That's true, but it's just kinda funny to stop and look at 'em. 392 00:19:16,333 --> 00:19:18,666 Don't do it, shithead. You move along. 393 00:19:20,875 --> 00:19:22,916 - That it? - Oh no, you got plenty more. 394 00:19:22,916 --> 00:19:24,708 - I'll just tell you a couple. - Like what? 395 00:19:24,708 --> 00:19:27,041 When you go to the beach, you pee in the ocean. 396 00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:28,916 Oh, come on. Everybody pees in the ocean. 397 00:19:28,916 --> 00:19:32,583 Yeah, but you swim as close to strangers as you can get, 398 00:19:32,583 --> 00:19:34,083 and then you pee. 399 00:19:34,083 --> 00:19:36,208 That's true. That's true. 400 00:19:38,250 --> 00:19:39,208 All right. Is that it? 401 00:19:39,208 --> 00:19:42,041 Well, you also walk through strangers' photos. 402 00:19:42,041 --> 00:19:44,000 I'm going to hell for photobombing people? 403 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,791 No, not photobombing. 404 00:19:45,791 --> 00:19:49,291 - You walk through their photos. - I've done it two or three times. 405 00:19:49,291 --> 00:19:52,125 You've done it 247 times. 406 00:19:53,250 --> 00:19:54,916 In my defense, just because you're getting 407 00:19:54,916 --> 00:19:57,500 a picture in front of this fountain with your friend, 408 00:19:57,500 --> 00:20:00,166 we gotta all now reroute around you 'cause you own the sidewalk? 409 00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,708 What makes you so important? 410 00:20:01,708 --> 00:20:04,000 Yeah, that's the spirit. Keep it up. 411 00:20:05,541 --> 00:20:06,791 - But ri-- - Now I have... 412 00:20:06,791 --> 00:20:08,791 What? 413 00:20:12,625 --> 00:20:14,250 - That was weird. - Yeah, I know. 414 00:20:14,250 --> 00:20:16,541 Just act like it didn't happen. 415 00:20:17,666 --> 00:20:20,916 If you're gonna put this on TV, you better fuckin' step it up. 416 00:20:21,666 --> 00:20:22,916 I can't argue with you. 417 00:20:23,541 --> 00:20:25,625 I mean, get your shit together, man. 418 00:20:27,291 --> 00:20:29,958 All right. I gotta get back to the show. Anything else you wanna say? 419 00:20:29,958 --> 00:20:31,541 Yeah, I just want you to know 420 00:20:31,541 --> 00:20:33,833 that even if you think this bit is working, 421 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:36,583 you're a shitty ventriloquist at best. 422 00:20:38,625 --> 00:20:39,458 Thanks. 423 00:20:39,458 --> 00:20:41,125 Fuck you. You suck. 424 00:20:41,125 --> 00:20:43,708 All right. Thanks, everybody. That's the demon. 425 00:20:44,583 --> 00:20:45,416 Yeah. 426 00:20:59,875 --> 00:21:02,458 I went to a website I hadn't been to in a long time, 427 00:21:02,458 --> 00:21:05,625 and I tried to log in, and I couldn't figure out my password. 428 00:21:06,250 --> 00:21:08,333 I kept trying it, and I couldn't get it. 429 00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:09,583 And I just thought, 430 00:21:09,583 --> 00:21:11,791 "Man, I'm good." 431 00:21:15,333 --> 00:21:16,166 "Wow." 432 00:21:16,666 --> 00:21:18,875 If I can't figure this out, I mean, that's... 433 00:21:19,875 --> 00:21:22,583 I'm the top person who should be able to crack this, 434 00:21:22,583 --> 00:21:24,083 and I can't get it. 435 00:21:24,791 --> 00:21:27,625 The number-one security threat to my own account. 436 00:21:31,833 --> 00:21:35,833 Thousand Island dressing sounds like the result of an incredible collaboration. 437 00:21:37,916 --> 00:21:39,666 You have French, Italian... 438 00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:42,208 A thousand islands worked on this one. 439 00:21:43,041 --> 00:21:46,125 And it still tastes like garbage. That's unbelievable. 440 00:21:48,083 --> 00:21:51,166 Somebody asked me what mansplaining was. I was like, "Well, it..." 441 00:21:51,708 --> 00:21:52,833 "Nice try!" 442 00:21:56,333 --> 00:21:58,375 "I have no idea. I don't know." 443 00:21:59,208 --> 00:22:00,708 "But I'm willing to listen." 444 00:22:05,833 --> 00:22:07,250 I'll take it. I'll take it. 445 00:22:07,833 --> 00:22:08,666 All right. 446 00:22:09,166 --> 00:22:11,000 Mostly dudes clapping. That's okay. 447 00:22:13,958 --> 00:22:16,458 My friend asked me if I ever went swimming with dolphins. 448 00:22:16,458 --> 00:22:17,916 I said, "Yeah, definitely." 449 00:22:17,916 --> 00:22:20,750 "What distance are we talking about from the dolphins?" 450 00:22:22,541 --> 00:22:23,416 "'Cause... 451 00:22:24,166 --> 00:22:27,583 pretty sure I swam with all of 'em last time I was in the ocean, so..." 452 00:22:31,125 --> 00:22:33,166 Sometimes I wanna go swimming without dolphins. 453 00:22:33,166 --> 00:22:34,791 I gotta find a swimming pool. 454 00:22:37,541 --> 00:22:38,375 I love pools. 455 00:22:38,375 --> 00:22:41,000 I don't have a pool, but, you know, a pool is fun. 456 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,500 Except there's one thing I don't like about swimming in a pool. 457 00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:46,875 It's what happens to the other people that you go swimming with. 458 00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:49,625 If they get in the pool before you do, 459 00:22:50,208 --> 00:22:52,625 it's like they all suddenly join this cult, 460 00:22:53,458 --> 00:22:55,958 whose only mission is to get you 461 00:22:55,958 --> 00:22:57,125 to join them... 462 00:22:57,125 --> 00:23:00,041 - ...in the pool. 463 00:23:00,041 --> 00:23:02,291 "Please join us. Just come in the pool." 464 00:23:02,291 --> 00:23:04,708 "Please join us." "You coming in? You gonna get in?" 465 00:23:04,708 --> 00:23:07,666 "Please join us." "When are you getting in? Come on." 466 00:23:07,666 --> 00:23:10,208 "Yeah, I'm gonna come in. I just wanna be ready." 467 00:23:10,208 --> 00:23:13,375 "No, come on." "Jump in." "Just come in." 468 00:23:13,375 --> 00:23:16,916 "I'm fine. I know how to get in a pool. Just let me get hot enough. Relax." 469 00:23:16,916 --> 00:23:19,708 Then they start telling me their personal story, like, 470 00:23:19,708 --> 00:23:21,500 "You know, when I first got in, I was cold, 471 00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:23,833 but then I, um, put my head under." 472 00:23:23,833 --> 00:23:27,250 "Yeah, I don't give a shit about your temperature or how it went for you." 473 00:23:27,250 --> 00:23:29,458 "This is not my problem. I'm not you." 474 00:23:29,458 --> 00:23:31,666 "I'm me. I'll come in when I want to." 475 00:23:31,666 --> 00:23:33,708 "Why don't you go to the other end of the pool 476 00:23:33,708 --> 00:23:36,708 with the other blue-lipped weirdos in your cult, and just 477 00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,291 leave me out of it? I'm fine." 478 00:23:41,083 --> 00:23:43,916 I feel bad for people who can't float. That must be a bad feeling. 479 00:23:43,916 --> 00:23:46,083 When you're like, "God, any dead body can do this, 480 00:23:46,083 --> 00:23:48,125 and I can't do this. This..." 481 00:23:49,916 --> 00:23:51,708 That's a confidence killer. 482 00:23:53,583 --> 00:23:57,166 I think you should be able to wear a shower cap as a hat on a rainy day. 483 00:23:58,291 --> 00:24:00,708 It seems like the perfect cap for rain, you know? 484 00:24:00,708 --> 00:24:02,833 It's designed for it. But you definitely can't. 485 00:24:02,833 --> 00:24:05,041 I can't think of a quicker way to look insane 486 00:24:05,041 --> 00:24:08,208 than to add a shower cap to whatever outfit you have on. 487 00:24:14,833 --> 00:24:17,125 Hey, to the people who make scented garbage bags, 488 00:24:17,125 --> 00:24:21,208 you can probably take the fragrance down like 6000%, and we'd be okay. 489 00:24:22,833 --> 00:24:25,375 Not really sure who that's designed for, you know? 490 00:24:26,416 --> 00:24:28,291 "Hey, got a corpse in your kitchen?" 491 00:24:30,291 --> 00:24:33,541 "Don't worry about it. Just throw it in the bag. We're cool. We got ya." 492 00:24:34,041 --> 00:24:34,958 "Oh, that'd be great." 493 00:24:34,958 --> 00:24:37,541 "Accidentally take a shit in your kitchen garbage?" 494 00:24:38,083 --> 00:24:38,958 "That's okay." 495 00:24:38,958 --> 00:24:42,333 "These bags have industrial-strength lemon scent in them." 496 00:24:42,333 --> 00:24:45,125 "It's... You can smell the bag from, like, blocks away." 497 00:24:45,125 --> 00:24:48,250 "Don't worry about it. You can... throw up in there and everything." 498 00:24:48,250 --> 00:24:49,875 "Oh, great. Thank you." 499 00:24:50,500 --> 00:24:53,083 "I have nightmares about that fragrance, so I appreciate that." 500 00:24:54,250 --> 00:24:56,166 How about a joke that's more topical? 501 00:24:57,583 --> 00:24:58,833 How does that joke go? 502 00:24:58,833 --> 00:25:02,083 It's harder these days to even get people's attention to let 'em know-- 503 00:25:02,083 --> 00:25:03,000 No. 504 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,875 It's hard to get people's attention, you know? I'm kind of a quieter guy. 505 00:25:05,875 --> 00:25:06,791 That's not right. 506 00:25:06,791 --> 00:25:08,541 It's like you can't grab people's attention. 507 00:25:08,541 --> 00:25:09,458 Nah. 508 00:25:09,458 --> 00:25:12,166 - It's hard to get people's attention-- - No, forget it. 509 00:25:12,166 --> 00:25:13,458 You know what? 510 00:25:13,458 --> 00:25:16,166 That's an example of a joke that won't be in this special. 511 00:25:20,208 --> 00:25:21,500 I'll do crowd work. 512 00:25:22,625 --> 00:25:23,875 Where's everybody from? 513 00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:28,000 But this is on TV, so... 514 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:29,791 Hey. Where you from? What do you do? 515 00:25:30,791 --> 00:25:31,750 Email me. 516 00:25:36,083 --> 00:25:36,958 Globes are cool. 517 00:25:36,958 --> 00:25:39,791 It's nice that you can get a doll of the entire Earth. 518 00:25:40,958 --> 00:25:43,375 "Hey, look. I'm gonna play with the whole world." 519 00:25:44,916 --> 00:25:47,500 The LGBTQ community, that's really interesting 520 00:25:47,500 --> 00:25:51,291 because I think the letter order there is really important, you know? 521 00:25:51,291 --> 00:25:54,750 Like, the GQ BLT community, um... 522 00:25:57,458 --> 00:25:58,458 that doesn't sound right. 523 00:25:58,458 --> 00:26:00,458 That doesn't have the ring to it that you want. 524 00:26:00,458 --> 00:26:03,375 "What do we stand for here? A men's magazine and a sandwich?" 525 00:26:03,375 --> 00:26:04,458 "That's just wrong." 526 00:26:05,458 --> 00:26:08,416 Don't worry, that joke's not offensive. I checked. It's fine. 527 00:26:10,166 --> 00:26:11,000 Certified. 528 00:26:12,500 --> 00:26:15,833 Some things sound like they make sense, 529 00:26:15,833 --> 00:26:18,125 and then I think about 'em too much, 530 00:26:18,125 --> 00:26:20,416 and it sort of unravels. 531 00:26:20,916 --> 00:26:22,208 When somebody says, 532 00:26:22,208 --> 00:26:24,666 "I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole," 533 00:26:25,333 --> 00:26:27,500 I'm like, "I know what that means. That makes sense." 534 00:26:27,500 --> 00:26:31,208 But then I thought about it too much and I reversed it, 535 00:26:31,208 --> 00:26:32,875 and then it didn't make sense. 536 00:26:32,875 --> 00:26:34,125 The opposite would be, 537 00:26:34,625 --> 00:26:37,041 "I would touch that with a ten-foot pole." 538 00:26:39,375 --> 00:26:41,500 "You... You would touch that with a ten-foot pole?" 539 00:26:42,166 --> 00:26:44,708 "I would definitely touch that with a ten-foot pole, for sure." 540 00:26:46,416 --> 00:26:48,166 "Okay, 'cause that's not that different 541 00:26:48,166 --> 00:26:50,000 than not touching it with a ten-foot pole." 542 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:51,333 "No, no, no. It is different." 543 00:26:51,333 --> 00:26:54,166 "I'm saying I would touch it with a ten-foot pole." 544 00:26:54,166 --> 00:26:56,666 "I would poke it and sort of make contact with it, 545 00:26:56,666 --> 00:26:58,333 and I'm touching the pole, so..." 546 00:26:58,333 --> 00:27:01,333 "Yeah, but you're ten feet away. You're not touching it. The pole is." 547 00:27:01,333 --> 00:27:04,625 "Once you've introduced a ten-foot pole, we know you're not touching it." 548 00:27:05,125 --> 00:27:06,916 "Okay, well, how about this?" 549 00:27:06,916 --> 00:27:09,375 "I would touch it, pause, with a ten-foot pole." 550 00:27:09,375 --> 00:27:12,375 -"What does 'pause' mean?" -"It means that they're two thoughts." 551 00:27:12,375 --> 00:27:16,041 "I would touch it. Also, you know, I happen to have a ten-foot pole with me." 552 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,458 "Are you a pole-vaulter, walking around, and you touch stuff?" 553 00:27:19,458 --> 00:27:21,666 "Yeah, sure." "That's not what you said earlier." 554 00:27:21,666 --> 00:27:22,958 "You talked about poking it." 555 00:27:22,958 --> 00:27:25,291 "With. I'm saying I have a ten-foot pole with me." 556 00:27:25,291 --> 00:27:27,750 "You know, I've got a ten-foot pole, and also, I'd touch it." 557 00:27:27,750 --> 00:27:30,916 "You're not touching it. You're at least ten feet away." 558 00:27:30,916 --> 00:27:32,416 "If your arm's out, almost--" 559 00:27:32,416 --> 00:27:34,083 "But I'm just saying I would touch it." 560 00:27:34,083 --> 00:27:35,791 "No, that's not what you meant." 561 00:27:35,791 --> 00:27:37,583 "You meant using the pole to touch it." 562 00:27:37,583 --> 00:27:39,958 "With a pole. I have a pole with me, and I'd touch it." 563 00:27:39,958 --> 00:27:42,666 -"Poking it with the pole." - "No, I'm saying it's in my presence." 564 00:27:42,666 --> 00:27:44,250 "No, be honest." 565 00:27:44,250 --> 00:27:46,416 "Fuck you. I don't wanna be roommates anymore." 566 00:27:50,500 --> 00:27:52,708 I do ask myself a lotta questions. 567 00:27:54,208 --> 00:27:55,166 Why do I do that? 568 00:27:57,041 --> 00:27:58,625 And why the follow-up question? 569 00:27:59,541 --> 00:28:01,208 Am I the only one who does that? 570 00:28:02,500 --> 00:28:03,750 So many questions. 571 00:28:03,750 --> 00:28:05,375 So many mysteries. 572 00:28:06,250 --> 00:28:07,541 So much unknown. 573 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,708 Mysteries of the Unknown. 574 00:28:24,666 --> 00:28:25,541 A man... 575 00:28:32,750 --> 00:28:34,708 ...decides he wants to get a drink. 576 00:28:35,958 --> 00:28:38,750 He finds a pub, and he enters. 577 00:28:40,166 --> 00:28:41,500 He walks up to the bar, 578 00:28:42,333 --> 00:28:43,750 when suddenly, he discovers... 579 00:28:43,750 --> 00:28:47,083 - ...he is invisible to bartenders. 580 00:28:48,583 --> 00:28:51,791 Despite doing comedy for over 20 years. 581 00:28:51,791 --> 00:28:52,875 Motherfucker. 582 00:29:04,875 --> 00:29:08,375 Chicken nuggets have enjoyed wide popularity for decades. 583 00:29:08,375 --> 00:29:10,583 Yet for some unknown reason, 584 00:29:10,583 --> 00:29:12,833 beef nuggets have never caught on. 585 00:29:13,500 --> 00:29:15,000 Why? Why? Why? 586 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:16,458 Beef... beef... beef. 587 00:29:17,375 --> 00:29:19,250 Nuggets... nuggets. Delicious. 588 00:29:21,583 --> 00:29:24,166 How long did it take to make the first clock? 589 00:29:26,583 --> 00:29:28,333 No one will ever know. 590 00:29:32,750 --> 00:29:36,291 A boy displays unusual aptitude in grade school. 591 00:29:36,958 --> 00:29:38,958 He gets straight As through high school. 592 00:29:38,958 --> 00:29:42,875 He's admitted to Harvard University, where he studies for four years. 593 00:29:42,875 --> 00:29:44,583 He graduates with honors, 594 00:29:44,583 --> 00:29:47,791 but then, shortly after graduating, 595 00:29:47,791 --> 00:29:50,208 he is struck with a strange affliction 596 00:29:51,041 --> 00:29:53,833 that forces him to mention that he went to Harvard 597 00:29:53,833 --> 00:29:56,375 every day for the rest of his fucking life. 598 00:29:56,375 --> 00:29:58,166 Life... life... life. 599 00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:03,000 Nuggets... nuggets... nuggets. 600 00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:05,958 Harvard... Harvard... Harvard. 601 00:30:08,750 --> 00:30:12,041 You can say "vice-versa," but you can't say "versa-vice." 602 00:30:13,583 --> 00:30:16,041 Of all sayings, that one should be switchable. 603 00:30:16,041 --> 00:30:18,333 Switchable... switchable... switchable. 604 00:30:28,250 --> 00:30:30,750 People hate traffic, yet they love parades. 605 00:30:31,500 --> 00:30:33,791 It's the same... same... same. 606 00:30:39,750 --> 00:30:42,666 A woman has a fascinating dream, 607 00:30:42,666 --> 00:30:45,583 yet, the next day, when she tells her friend about it, 608 00:30:46,375 --> 00:30:48,541 it is unbearably boring. 609 00:30:49,250 --> 00:30:50,875 Why? Why? Why? 610 00:30:51,625 --> 00:30:52,875 Dream... dream... 611 00:30:53,833 --> 00:30:55,125 Harvard... Harvard... 612 00:31:10,750 --> 00:31:13,041 A boy plays tic-tac-toe. 613 00:31:14,666 --> 00:31:17,666 At the very same moment on the other side of the world, 614 00:31:17,666 --> 00:31:19,208 while eating a Tic Tac, 615 00:31:19,208 --> 00:31:21,375 another boy stubs his toe. 616 00:31:23,583 --> 00:31:25,291 Uh-oh... uh-oh... uh-oh... 617 00:31:29,083 --> 00:31:30,083 A comedian 618 00:31:31,125 --> 00:31:32,458 on his flight 619 00:31:33,458 --> 00:31:35,125 to go film his special 620 00:31:35,125 --> 00:31:37,791 thinks of a brilliant tic-tac-toe-based joke. 621 00:31:40,625 --> 00:31:43,500 Yet when he tells it to the crowd, he is met with silence. 622 00:31:43,500 --> 00:31:45,125 - What... 623 00:31:45,125 --> 00:31:46,125 Oh. 624 00:31:46,791 --> 00:31:48,583 Nuggets... nuggets... 625 00:31:48,583 --> 00:31:50,083 Beef... beef... 626 00:31:50,083 --> 00:31:51,416 Harvard... Harvard... 627 00:31:53,833 --> 00:31:57,000 A man gets into an argument with his wife. 628 00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:01,208 In the middle of the argument, he asks, "What's wrong?" 629 00:32:02,625 --> 00:32:04,041 "Nothing," she replies. 630 00:32:04,875 --> 00:32:06,958 Then, three weeks later, 631 00:32:08,375 --> 00:32:10,791 in the middle of a completely different argument, 632 00:32:12,166 --> 00:32:14,625 she suddenly recalls in vivid detail 633 00:32:14,625 --> 00:32:17,375 exactly what was wrong three weeks earlier. 634 00:32:19,875 --> 00:32:22,750 Stunned, the man boards a plane to go shoot his special. 635 00:32:26,666 --> 00:32:29,416 Mysteries of the Unknown. 636 00:32:34,541 --> 00:32:36,916 All right, I'm back. Whoa. Whoa. 637 00:32:36,916 --> 00:32:39,166 That seltzer thing. - What was I gonna say? 638 00:32:39,166 --> 00:32:41,291 - Thoughts. Um... - Yeah, he farts. 639 00:32:41,291 --> 00:32:42,375 Uh, focus. 640 00:32:43,125 --> 00:32:44,500 Whoa. Okay. What was that? 641 00:32:45,041 --> 00:32:46,125 Anyway, where was I? 642 00:32:46,708 --> 00:32:47,625 Um... 643 00:32:47,625 --> 00:32:49,708 - Asking myself questions... 644 00:32:49,708 --> 00:32:53,125 Oh. I should do more jokes. What about something random? 645 00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:55,708 The word random is interesting. 646 00:32:55,708 --> 00:32:58,750 - Cool because why... - Because why that word? 647 00:32:58,750 --> 00:33:01,041 Why those letters, you know? 648 00:33:01,041 --> 00:33:02,708 It's so itself. 649 00:33:07,500 --> 00:33:10,375 I went to a restaurant that was farm to table to toilet. 650 00:33:14,125 --> 00:33:16,208 Little too farm fresh for me. 651 00:33:17,708 --> 00:33:20,250 We're so fragile as people, aren't we? It's... 652 00:33:20,250 --> 00:33:22,458 It's crazy. You know, you... 653 00:33:22,458 --> 00:33:24,208 you can get killed with a pillow. 654 00:33:24,208 --> 00:33:26,791 It's crazy that you can kill someone with a pillow. 655 00:33:26,791 --> 00:33:30,375 I mean, that's fragile. You know, like, the order's so important. 656 00:33:30,375 --> 00:33:33,166 Uh, bed, pillow, head. 657 00:33:34,041 --> 00:33:35,375 You rest. That's great. 658 00:33:36,666 --> 00:33:38,208 Bed, head, pillow. 659 00:33:38,750 --> 00:33:39,708 You're dead. 660 00:33:42,291 --> 00:33:45,583 What a shitty way to go. "I got the order wrong, and I died!" 661 00:33:48,875 --> 00:33:51,416 I was wondering the other day if I've ever seen a horse horsing-- 662 00:33:57,291 --> 00:33:58,125 I don't know why, 663 00:33:58,125 --> 00:34:01,416 but I find it a lot easier to hate a stranger than love a stranger. 664 00:34:01,916 --> 00:34:05,333 I know that sounds weird to say, but I'll be in line at CVS or something. 665 00:34:05,333 --> 00:34:07,250 I'll be behind some guy, and I'll be like, 666 00:34:08,416 --> 00:34:09,375 "I hate this guy." 667 00:34:12,708 --> 00:34:13,541 "I hate him." 668 00:34:14,500 --> 00:34:17,958 I haven't even seen the front of him, I'm like, "I've seen enough. I hate him." 669 00:34:20,375 --> 00:34:22,000 What is that? What's my problem? 670 00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:24,958 I don't know what that is about human nature. 671 00:34:24,958 --> 00:34:28,291 Um, if there's one thing I would say about everybody, 672 00:34:28,875 --> 00:34:31,208 there's a selfishness, I think, to human beings 673 00:34:31,208 --> 00:34:33,791 that we just all sort of have, just built in there. 674 00:34:33,791 --> 00:34:37,666 The fact that community service is a punishment in our society, 675 00:34:39,541 --> 00:34:41,500 it's a pretty good sign, you know, to be like, 676 00:34:42,583 --> 00:34:46,625 just under prison, you get community service. 677 00:34:50,833 --> 00:34:54,208 How badly did you fuck up that you have to help the community? 678 00:34:55,875 --> 00:34:58,333 "You piece of shit! What did you do?" 679 00:35:01,583 --> 00:35:06,125 "For 30 hours in the next calendar year, you have to help the community? Wow!" 680 00:35:07,458 --> 00:35:10,041 "Glad I'm not you. I bet you learned your lesson, man." 681 00:35:11,041 --> 00:35:14,000 "Yeah, I tried to get prison, but no, they're gonna make me help." 682 00:35:15,416 --> 00:35:18,041 Strobe lights cause seizures in some people. 683 00:35:18,541 --> 00:35:20,166 And we still have strobe lights. 684 00:35:22,875 --> 00:35:24,208 How did that work out? 685 00:35:25,500 --> 00:35:28,541 I know you might die, but these guidos need to party, so... 686 00:35:32,333 --> 00:35:35,458 Sorry you might, uh, choke to death, but this guy needs to look cool 687 00:35:35,458 --> 00:35:38,166 when he's doing the robot in front of this girl, so... 688 00:35:41,375 --> 00:35:42,458 I just got an idea. 689 00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:46,666 If I had a copy store, I would only hire identical twins 690 00:35:46,666 --> 00:35:47,708 to work there. 691 00:35:48,333 --> 00:35:49,208 Yeah. 692 00:35:53,875 --> 00:35:56,208 - If I had one of those bookcases... - If I sold telescopes... 693 00:35:56,208 --> 00:35:59,375 - ...that's a secret bookcase that opens... - ...I'd have the price really small on the... 694 00:35:59,375 --> 00:36:00,500 Uh-oh. 695 00:36:00,500 --> 00:36:01,541 ...opposite wall. 696 00:36:01,541 --> 00:36:02,958 People'd come to my house... 697 00:36:02,958 --> 00:36:03,875 Stay focused. 698 00:36:03,875 --> 00:36:05,458 "How much is this?" "Look over there." 699 00:36:07,875 --> 00:36:12,000 I think a good way to get out of jury duty would be just to just dress as a judge 700 00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:15,083 so when they're bringing all the jurors in, 701 00:36:15,083 --> 00:36:18,000 you know, you can look at the judge and be like, "What am I...?" 702 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:21,875 They'd be like, "Get him out of here. I don't know what he's doing here." 703 00:36:21,875 --> 00:36:24,375 "Thank you. Sorry. I gotta get back to court." 704 00:36:26,208 --> 00:36:28,916 I went to the store, and they had a sign that said, "Exit only." 705 00:36:28,916 --> 00:36:30,416 And then I went in it. 706 00:36:31,083 --> 00:36:32,250 I went in that door, 707 00:36:32,250 --> 00:36:35,458 and I was like, "Hey. I have exciting news for you." 708 00:36:39,166 --> 00:36:41,666 "You have severely underestimated this door 709 00:36:43,625 --> 00:36:45,708 by, like, 100%." 710 00:36:48,083 --> 00:36:51,791 is one of those words that sounds more offensive than it is, I think. 711 00:36:53,166 --> 00:36:54,958 Is Chris kinda... [beep] ...to you? 712 00:37:00,208 --> 00:37:02,916 I love going to concerts. I love seeing my favorite band 713 00:37:02,916 --> 00:37:05,375 through the phone of the asshole standing in front of me. 714 00:37:08,625 --> 00:37:10,208 - Yeah. 715 00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:14,458 All right, here we go. 716 00:37:14,458 --> 00:37:18,041 This is a good part of the show. I think you're gonna like this. So... 717 00:37:19,791 --> 00:37:20,916 I really like drawing. 718 00:37:20,916 --> 00:37:24,916 I find that it's fun to incorporate it into my standup sometimes, 719 00:37:24,916 --> 00:37:26,833 so I'm gonna show you some drawings. 720 00:37:30,208 --> 00:37:32,875 The cool thing about a drawing is I can share something personal, 721 00:37:32,875 --> 00:37:35,916 and I can use a graphic to illustrate it more specifically. 722 00:37:35,916 --> 00:37:38,125 For example, here, this is a graph. 723 00:37:38,125 --> 00:37:39,375 It's pretty personal. 724 00:37:39,375 --> 00:37:41,416 This stands for "donut sensation." 725 00:37:41,416 --> 00:37:45,000 So this is... these are my feelings when I encounter a donut, basically, 726 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:47,250 so here's my normal resting state. 727 00:37:47,250 --> 00:37:50,583 Somebody offers me a donut, and I'm like, "Ooh, I'm gonna have a donut." Excited. 728 00:37:50,583 --> 00:37:52,625 I'm like, "I can't have a donut for no reason." 729 00:37:52,625 --> 00:37:54,666 "But I want the donut. No, I'm not gonna eat it." 730 00:37:54,666 --> 00:37:57,333 Now here, I'm eating the donut. I feel fantastic. 731 00:37:58,333 --> 00:38:00,208 Until the last bite, and then I just plummet. 732 00:38:00,208 --> 00:38:01,750 "Oh God. I had a donut." 733 00:38:02,333 --> 00:38:04,583 Here's where it gets interesting, the second donut. 734 00:38:04,583 --> 00:38:07,416 I'm like, "Oh yes! No, no! Yes! Shit! I don't know." 735 00:38:08,791 --> 00:38:09,791 It's a crisis, 736 00:38:11,166 --> 00:38:12,541 which is the second donut. 737 00:38:13,208 --> 00:38:14,291 With icebergs... 738 00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:17,958 People love to talk about the tip of the iceberg. 739 00:38:17,958 --> 00:38:19,708 They're always gonna tell you about the tip. 740 00:38:19,708 --> 00:38:22,333 It's the most talked about part of the iceberg by far. 741 00:38:22,333 --> 00:38:25,916 In fact, you never hear about any other part of the iceberg, you know? 742 00:38:26,416 --> 00:38:28,791 People are just like, "Yeah, just the tip of the iceberg." 743 00:38:28,791 --> 00:38:30,916 Those are the people that like to give you bad news. 744 00:38:30,916 --> 00:38:33,125 Like, "Oh man, you are fucked," you know? 745 00:38:33,125 --> 00:38:35,625 They never later check in and say, "By the way, 746 00:38:35,625 --> 00:38:38,666 bottom of the iceberg," you know? "We're just about done." 747 00:38:39,916 --> 00:38:41,541 But here's what's interesting. 748 00:38:41,541 --> 00:38:43,250 Because of climate change, 749 00:38:43,250 --> 00:38:46,583 this is not as shitty a thing to say as it used to be, you know? 750 00:38:48,250 --> 00:38:50,583 'Cause icebergs are now smaller than they were, 751 00:38:50,583 --> 00:38:54,041 so you're just at the tip of something that's not as big an ordeal 752 00:38:54,041 --> 00:38:55,208 as it used to be. 753 00:38:56,208 --> 00:38:58,416 So this is actually a lot better than it was 754 00:38:58,416 --> 00:39:00,333 because things are much worse. 755 00:39:03,750 --> 00:39:04,958 - Yeah. 756 00:39:08,583 --> 00:39:09,916 {\an8}Okay, birth. 757 00:39:11,166 --> 00:39:12,041 {\an8}Death. 758 00:39:12,833 --> 00:39:15,541 {\an8}This is your life as you move from birth to death. 759 00:39:16,500 --> 00:39:18,333 {\an8}This is how much future you have. 760 00:39:18,333 --> 00:39:20,250 {\an8}This is how much past you have. 761 00:39:20,250 --> 00:39:23,541 {\an8}Right? So when you're born, you have all this future. 762 00:39:23,541 --> 00:39:27,958 {\an8}But then as you live, your future steadily gets smaller and smaller 763 00:39:27,958 --> 00:39:30,291 {\an8}until you get to right here, where you die. 764 00:39:30,791 --> 00:39:32,458 {\an8}At the very same time, 765 00:39:32,458 --> 00:39:34,583 {\an8}when you're born, there's no past. 766 00:39:34,583 --> 00:39:38,625 {\an8}But your past gets bigger and bigger as you go at the very same rate 767 00:39:38,625 --> 00:39:39,833 {\an8}until you get to here, 768 00:39:39,833 --> 00:39:42,333 {\an8}where you have no future and all past. 769 00:39:42,333 --> 00:39:44,291 {\an8}That's the condition of being dead. 770 00:39:46,083 --> 00:39:48,166 {\an8}But there's an interesting point in the middle 771 00:39:48,166 --> 00:39:51,083 {\an8}where your future and past are in equilibrium. 772 00:39:51,833 --> 00:39:55,250 And this is during the midlife existential crisis. 773 00:39:58,375 --> 00:39:59,333 Yeah. 774 00:39:59,833 --> 00:40:04,250 This is the kinda thing you might draw during the midlife existential crisis. 775 00:40:06,208 --> 00:40:07,916 - Yeah. 776 00:40:12,666 --> 00:40:14,291 {\an8}Okay, mustaches. 777 00:40:16,458 --> 00:40:17,750 {\an8}Slight one is creepy. 778 00:40:17,750 --> 00:40:20,541 {\an8}It's always creepy, right? Just kinda a pube 'stache. 779 00:40:20,541 --> 00:40:23,791 {\an8}On a boy, a grandmother, whoever. It's just... It's just... 780 00:40:24,541 --> 00:40:27,750 {\an8}There should be a waiting period. "Can you stay indoors for a few days 781 00:40:27,750 --> 00:40:30,333 {\an8}until that thickens up? We can't look at you like that." 782 00:40:30,333 --> 00:40:34,125 {\an8}Short is okay. Short mustache, great. You got good hygiene, it's tidy. Nice. 783 00:40:34,125 --> 00:40:37,041 {\an8}Too long, awkward. Come on. It's hanging over the lip. 784 00:40:37,041 --> 00:40:38,583 We see it poking your lip, 785 00:40:38,583 --> 00:40:40,958 and we're thinking about how you eat soup and all this shit. 786 00:40:41,625 --> 00:40:45,041 {\an8}Twirls at the end, that's an uncomfortable feeling, I think, for us. 787 00:40:45,541 --> 00:40:49,041 You know, you see one that twirls, and it just raises a lot of questions, 788 00:40:49,041 --> 00:40:50,666 "Do you have to wax that every day?" 789 00:40:50,666 --> 00:40:53,708 "Does it stick to your face in the night? You gotta wake up and pull it off?" 790 00:40:53,708 --> 00:40:56,791 {\an8}"How is this woman with you?" Stuff like that. We're wondering. 791 00:40:57,875 --> 00:41:01,208 {\an8}What's interesting is that handshakes follow the exact same pattern. 792 00:41:05,791 --> 00:41:08,750 {\an8}Slight handshake, that's creepy. 793 00:41:08,750 --> 00:41:10,958 I'm shaking your hand, you gotta squeeze back. 794 00:41:10,958 --> 00:41:14,125 Don't just give me your hand and move it around. Participate! 795 00:41:14,958 --> 00:41:16,583 We're doin' this together. 796 00:41:17,333 --> 00:41:19,875 {\an8}Short handshake, of course, is okay. "Great to meet you." 797 00:41:19,875 --> 00:41:21,958 {\an8}Too long is awkward. You're shaking someone's hand 798 00:41:21,958 --> 00:41:23,791 {\an8}like, "Okay, I'm done." They don't let go. 799 00:41:23,791 --> 00:41:26,500 {\an8}I'm like, "Whoa, you felt me pulling out. You don't 800 00:41:27,625 --> 00:41:30,875 {\an8}dominate me in this greeting. You just... Release." 801 00:41:31,541 --> 00:41:34,000 {\an8}Twirls at the end, a very uncomfortable feeling. 802 00:41:34,541 --> 00:41:36,916 {\an8}"Hey, good to meet you. How's it g... What?!" 803 00:41:39,041 --> 00:41:40,416 {\an8}"We're dancing? Okay, wow." 804 00:41:40,416 --> 00:41:43,958 {\an8}That was kinda nice, but... very uncomfortable." 805 00:41:45,875 --> 00:41:46,916 I like the letter R. 806 00:41:46,916 --> 00:41:49,708 That's one of my favorite uppercase letters, just to look at. 807 00:41:49,708 --> 00:41:52,458 I like the leg position, I think that's what it is. 808 00:41:52,458 --> 00:41:55,541 When I see the alphabet, the letters look like they posed for portraits, 809 00:41:55,541 --> 00:41:56,625 like A or whatever. 810 00:41:56,625 --> 00:41:59,333 But R is kinda cool. It looks like it was just walking by, 811 00:41:59,333 --> 00:42:02,666 and the artist was like, "Stop!" "What, like this?" "Yeah, hold that. I love it." 812 00:42:02,666 --> 00:42:05,125 "Just that action." R. 813 00:42:06,416 --> 00:42:07,250 Regal. 814 00:42:08,750 --> 00:42:10,833 This is a graph of the letter N. 815 00:42:10,833 --> 00:42:12,666 So this is the height over time... 816 00:42:14,916 --> 00:42:15,750 of an N, right? 817 00:42:15,750 --> 00:42:17,833 So we start here, and we're going up. 818 00:42:17,833 --> 00:42:21,166 We're moving through time, it's getting later, now we're going down. 819 00:42:21,166 --> 00:42:22,416 Then we go back up. 820 00:42:22,416 --> 00:42:23,458 And that's the N. 821 00:42:23,458 --> 00:42:25,791 Probably the dumbest drawing I've done in about five years, 822 00:42:25,791 --> 00:42:28,166 so I feel pretty good about that, yeah. 823 00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:31,083 I would love to get that on TV. 824 00:42:34,416 --> 00:42:37,833 {\an8}This is a calendar-based drawing. So this is yesterday, actually. 825 00:42:43,750 --> 00:42:44,875 This is a still life. 826 00:42:44,875 --> 00:42:48,666 So this is a bowl of ice cream with a cherry on top 827 00:42:48,666 --> 00:42:51,916 on a round place mat on a round side table 828 00:42:51,916 --> 00:42:53,666 on a round area rug, so... 829 00:42:57,250 --> 00:42:58,291 I love frisbees. 830 00:42:58,291 --> 00:43:00,916 Frisbees are, like, the only thing you can throw at a stranger, 831 00:43:00,916 --> 00:43:02,083 and hit 'em with it, 832 00:43:02,708 --> 00:43:03,791 and it's okay. 833 00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:06,833 Know what I mean? 834 00:43:06,833 --> 00:43:09,958 You hit some guy with a frisbee. "What the fuck? Oh, it's a frisbee. Cool." 835 00:43:09,958 --> 00:43:10,875 "Here you go." 836 00:43:12,166 --> 00:43:15,166 You can go to the park alone with just you and a frisbee. 837 00:43:15,166 --> 00:43:17,875 When people aren't looking, you can just throw it at 'em and hit 'em. 838 00:43:20,125 --> 00:43:22,041 {\an8}Then you can be like, "Little help." 839 00:43:23,833 --> 00:43:26,416 {\an8}"Are you even here with anybody?" "Thank you!" 840 00:43:29,666 --> 00:43:32,208 This is a landscape. That's Antarctica. 841 00:43:38,083 --> 00:43:40,041 {\an8}Finally, I have a graph here. 842 00:43:40,041 --> 00:43:42,833 {\an8}This is how much things are improved with frosting. 843 00:43:42,833 --> 00:43:45,833 {\an8}So we have... Mini-Wheats are greatly improved with frosting. 844 00:43:45,833 --> 00:43:48,708 {\an8}I think everybody can agree. Frosted Mini Wheats, great. 845 00:43:48,708 --> 00:43:51,708 {\an8}Cupcakes, also, huge improvement when you add the frosting. 846 00:43:51,708 --> 00:43:53,791 {\an8}They're good, but the frosting's great. 847 00:43:53,791 --> 00:43:56,458 {\an8}Cookies also very good with frosting. 848 00:43:57,166 --> 00:43:58,916 {\an8}We got a drop off here to tips. 849 00:43:58,916 --> 00:44:01,208 {\an8}So, uh, when you frost your tips, 850 00:44:01,208 --> 00:44:03,375 {\an8}I don't think it improves them much. 851 00:44:04,166 --> 00:44:07,083 {\an8}And that might be too generous. I don't know if that's... 852 00:44:08,291 --> 00:44:10,250 {\an8}Frosted tips. Okay. 853 00:44:10,833 --> 00:44:12,375 That's some comedy right there. 854 00:44:12,375 --> 00:44:13,500 - Thank you. 855 00:44:13,500 --> 00:44:15,166 Nice. This is a good crowd. 856 00:44:17,333 --> 00:44:20,583 I wanna give 'em something more, like... hmm... 857 00:44:21,583 --> 00:44:23,875 Wait a minute. I wonder if I could go back. 858 00:44:24,791 --> 00:44:27,166 Yeah, I think that could work. 859 00:44:28,041 --> 00:44:29,750 Okay, now I'm gonna try something. 860 00:44:29,750 --> 00:44:33,041 I'm gonna go back through the drawings in the opposite direction 861 00:44:33,041 --> 00:44:35,583 and do a different joke for each drawing we just saw. 862 00:44:35,583 --> 00:44:36,666 Let's see if we can... 863 00:44:37,708 --> 00:44:40,333 {\an8}Okay, this is a graph going in that direction 864 00:44:40,333 --> 00:44:42,833 {\an8}of things that are more and more awkward to give to a stripper. 865 00:44:42,833 --> 00:44:46,250 {\an8}So tips, not awkward at all. That's pretty normal. 866 00:44:46,250 --> 00:44:49,000 {\an8}Cookies, we shoot way up in awkwardness. That's weird. 867 00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:52,000 {\an8}Even weirder is cupcakes, but the most awkward to give to a stripper 868 00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:53,791 {\an8}is Mini-Wheats, to be like, 869 00:44:53,791 --> 00:44:55,750 "Thank you for your dance." 870 00:44:55,750 --> 00:44:57,583 "Perhaps you can have these for breakfast." 871 00:44:57,583 --> 00:45:01,041 "They are frosted, which is superior, as we know, so..." 872 00:45:02,958 --> 00:45:04,000 This is a nude. 873 00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:06,708 It's, uh, it's a guy lying on his side. 874 00:45:06,708 --> 00:45:09,416 Uh, this is his butt cheek, so it's a close-up. 875 00:45:10,958 --> 00:45:12,000 He's a white guy. 876 00:45:15,458 --> 00:45:17,083 One thing I hate is a frisbee. 877 00:45:17,083 --> 00:45:18,583 I hate frisbees. 878 00:45:18,583 --> 00:45:21,500 It's the only thing a stranger can throw at you and hit you with 879 00:45:22,875 --> 00:45:25,125 and you can't get mad at 'em, you know? I hate that. 880 00:45:28,333 --> 00:45:29,750 This is a tattoo 881 00:45:29,750 --> 00:45:31,333 I would never get. 882 00:45:32,833 --> 00:45:36,291 Especially in America. I just don't think that's a good tattoo to get. 883 00:45:38,458 --> 00:45:41,291 - Oh, I'm sorry. 884 00:45:43,208 --> 00:45:45,291 This is a tattoo I would get, you know? 885 00:45:45,791 --> 00:45:48,125 I don't know if you can get tattoos after you die, 886 00:45:48,125 --> 00:45:50,333 if you can have that in your will, 887 00:45:50,333 --> 00:45:52,916 say, "Hey, could I... You know, first thing, please, 888 00:45:52,916 --> 00:45:55,291 if you could put an X on each of my eyelids 889 00:45:56,750 --> 00:45:59,250 for the wake, I would appreciate it," and it's like... 890 00:45:59,250 --> 00:46:01,333 People'd come say, "You know, he did like cartoons, 891 00:46:01,333 --> 00:46:03,041 so that makes a lotta sense." 892 00:46:05,083 --> 00:46:08,791 {\an8}This is how much hair and teeth you have over the course of your life, so... 893 00:46:09,958 --> 00:46:11,708 {\an8}You're born, you have no hair or teeth, 894 00:46:11,708 --> 00:46:14,708 {\an8}then you get more and more hair and teeth, and you reach the peak. 895 00:46:14,708 --> 00:46:17,291 {\an8}Then you start losing your hair and your teeth. 896 00:46:17,291 --> 00:46:19,541 {\an8}And then you get fake hair and fake teeth 897 00:46:19,541 --> 00:46:23,291 {\an8}to be a bizarro version of your earlier self. 898 00:46:25,750 --> 00:46:27,458 Okay. That's the R from behind. 899 00:46:32,916 --> 00:46:34,875 Pretty tight butt on that R. 900 00:46:36,750 --> 00:46:37,666 That R works out. 901 00:46:42,208 --> 00:46:43,250 Massages. 902 00:46:45,958 --> 00:46:47,375 {\an8}A slight one is creepy. 903 00:46:48,291 --> 00:46:50,416 {\an8}It's creepy to get a slight massage. 904 00:46:50,416 --> 00:46:53,000 {\an8}That's... Someone's just fondling your back, just... 905 00:46:54,416 --> 00:46:56,625 {\an8}A short massage is okay, sure, if it's effective. Great. 906 00:46:56,625 --> 00:46:58,041 {\an8}Don't have to spend all day on it. 907 00:46:58,041 --> 00:46:59,708 {\an8}Too long is awkward. You're harassing me. 908 00:46:59,708 --> 00:47:02,750 {\an8}"Look, I've had to fart for 20 minutes. Just get away." 909 00:47:05,958 --> 00:47:08,208 {\an8}Twirls at the end, an uncomfortable feeling. 910 00:47:08,750 --> 00:47:11,916 {\an8}Somebody finishes a massage, you're relaxed, then they just go... 911 00:47:14,541 --> 00:47:16,708 {\an8}"What was that about? Is that a target or something?" 912 00:47:17,458 --> 00:47:19,583 {\an8}A slight hello is creepy always. 913 00:47:20,416 --> 00:47:21,250 Hi. 914 00:47:24,208 --> 00:47:27,208 {\an8}A short hello is fine. Hey. Of course. 915 00:47:27,833 --> 00:47:29,000 {\an8}Too long is awkward. 916 00:47:29,000 --> 00:47:31,500 {\an8}Heeelloooo! 917 00:47:33,541 --> 00:47:36,125 {\an8}Twirls at the end, that's an uncomfortable feeling. 918 00:47:36,125 --> 00:47:37,583 {\an8}You know? If they're like, "Hey." 919 00:47:40,791 --> 00:47:42,750 {\an8}Huh. That felt awkward. 920 00:47:42,750 --> 00:47:43,708 {\an8}Hey. 921 00:47:44,333 --> 00:47:45,333 {\an8}That was weird. 922 00:47:45,333 --> 00:47:46,958 {\an8}How 'bout, like, smoother? 923 00:47:48,250 --> 00:47:49,125 {\an8}Nope. 924 00:47:49,125 --> 00:47:50,500 - I'm gonna try that again. - Hey! 925 00:47:50,500 --> 00:47:52,583 What about from a different angle? Nope. 926 00:47:52,583 --> 00:47:54,375 What about like this? Forget it. 927 00:47:54,375 --> 00:47:55,416 {\an8}Just move on. 928 00:47:55,416 --> 00:47:56,333 {\an8}All right. 929 00:47:57,083 --> 00:47:59,041 {\an8}Breakfast. Dinner. 930 00:47:59,791 --> 00:48:00,708 {\an8}Lunch. 931 00:48:02,875 --> 00:48:05,708 {\an8}This is how appropriate it is to have French toast. 932 00:48:07,333 --> 00:48:09,541 {\an8}This is how appropriate it is to have pasta. 933 00:48:11,125 --> 00:48:12,166 {\an8}At breakfast, 934 00:48:12,750 --> 00:48:14,333 {\an8}very appropriate to have French toast, 935 00:48:14,333 --> 00:48:18,208 {\an8}but as the day goes on, it becomes less and less appropriate to have French toast. 936 00:48:18,208 --> 00:48:19,708 {\an8}until at dinner, 937 00:48:19,708 --> 00:48:21,833 {\an8}it's ridiculous to have French toast. 938 00:48:22,666 --> 00:48:23,916 {\an8}At the very same time, 939 00:48:23,916 --> 00:48:27,750 {\an8}pasta, which was completely inappropriate at breakfast, 940 00:48:27,750 --> 00:48:30,291 {\an8}becomes more and more appropriate until at dinner, 941 00:48:30,291 --> 00:48:32,625 {\an8}it's completely appropriate to have pasta. 942 00:48:33,500 --> 00:48:35,208 {\an8}But there's a point in the middle of the day, 943 00:48:35,708 --> 00:48:39,000 {\an8}when it's equally appropriate to have French toast or pasta, 944 00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:41,916 {\an8}and this is when you're most likely to eat carbohydrates. 945 00:48:45,375 --> 00:48:46,208 Yeah. 946 00:48:47,291 --> 00:48:48,125 I'll take that. 947 00:48:50,583 --> 00:48:54,791 Okay, I can only speak for the men here, but when you're standing in cold water... 948 00:48:54,791 --> 00:48:55,708 These are pants 949 00:48:56,375 --> 00:48:57,333 and this is water. 950 00:48:57,916 --> 00:49:01,000 You're like, "That's pretty cold water. I think I know how cold." 951 00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:03,041 But then it starts moving up your legs, 952 00:49:03,041 --> 00:49:06,416 and you don't really know how cold it is until it gets to the tip, 953 00:49:06,416 --> 00:49:07,750 then you're like, "Oooh!" 954 00:49:08,541 --> 00:49:10,125 "That's very cold." 955 00:49:10,125 --> 00:49:12,083 "Retreat. Retreat!" 956 00:49:16,791 --> 00:49:18,916 Finally, this stands for Demetri sleeping. 957 00:49:18,916 --> 00:49:21,666 So this is my mouth. That's my nose. 958 00:49:21,666 --> 00:49:23,458 That's my hair. And that's my eye. 959 00:49:25,750 --> 00:49:27,833 That's me sleeping on my back. 960 00:49:27,833 --> 00:49:29,750 - Comedy. 961 00:49:33,541 --> 00:49:35,541 Thank you. Thank you, guys. 962 00:49:36,750 --> 00:49:38,625 - I appreciate it. 963 00:49:39,875 --> 00:49:42,000 Oh, okay. You're all done. 964 00:49:42,000 --> 00:49:43,375 How do you feel? 965 00:49:43,375 --> 00:49:44,625 It felt very real. 966 00:49:44,625 --> 00:49:46,083 - Very vivid. Right. 967 00:49:46,083 --> 00:49:47,041 Just, like, 968 00:49:47,833 --> 00:49:49,791 it's like I was really doing a special. 969 00:49:49,791 --> 00:49:51,208 Does your mind feel less blocked? 970 00:49:51,208 --> 00:49:53,250 I feel funny. My head is very hot, 971 00:49:53,250 --> 00:49:55,541 like, almost like it's maybe slightly... burnt. 972 00:49:55,541 --> 00:49:58,000 Well, that is normal. 973 00:49:58,000 --> 00:50:00,166 Uh, the good news is, uh, 974 00:50:00,166 --> 00:50:02,583 we know what is wrong with you exactly. 975 00:50:02,583 --> 00:50:05,208 - Oh. - Your brain is constipated. 976 00:50:07,375 --> 00:50:08,208 Oh. 977 00:50:08,875 --> 00:50:10,000 Is that serious? 978 00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:10,958 Yeah. 979 00:50:10,958 --> 00:50:12,958 I don't know how else to put it. 980 00:50:12,958 --> 00:50:15,000 There's too much in there. 981 00:50:16,041 --> 00:50:19,958 Yeah. Right, the first step will be a, uh, mental laxative. 982 00:50:19,958 --> 00:50:20,916 Uh... 983 00:50:22,375 --> 00:50:23,500 A mental laxative? 984 00:50:24,500 --> 00:50:25,666 Yeah.