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[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Oh, I'm so happy to be here.

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[audience whooting]

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I am, I'm so happy to be

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in the greatest theater
in the greatest city

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in the United States of America.

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[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

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That's right.

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That's right, I love this
region with its many-

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[audience laughing]

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With its many famous things.

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And... [laughing]

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How about that local team?

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[audience laughing]

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Now listen.

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I gotta say.

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I gotta just start
with the point of order

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and it's important
because I've noticed

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a lot of things going
on in my shows recently,

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and I'm a little
concerned about it.

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I've noticed a lot more young
people coming to the show.

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[audience cheering]
Yeah, I know.

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I can see you out there
with hope in your eyes

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and collagen in your skin.

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I can see you.
[audience laughing]

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And I have to think to myself,

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"What the hell are
you doing here?"

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I mean, I still got
my regular crowd.

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I can smell the pee pee and
lavender. I know you're here.

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I know I still got my peeps.

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"Hey, Craig." I
know you're here.

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But the young
people are here now

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and I think you've been
watching me on the tickety-tock.

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Haven't you?

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Been watching on the
tickety-tock? I know.

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Well, look, a word of warning.

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I may go on for longer than
45 seconds this evening.

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[audience laughing]

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And I gotta say this
because of the young people,

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but the old people too.

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Everybody.

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I forbid you, and
I mean, forbid you

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to tweet out anything I say
tonight during the show.

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A tweet out or any
of your social media,

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but your tweety, your bingo,
your zippy, your lamp post,

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whatever the hell it is.

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I don't know. Instacart.

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Whatever you do...

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Instagram, Grindr,
whatever one you're doing.

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Myspace for some of the older-

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[audience laughing]

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00:02:02,731 --> 00:02:04,515
Just don't, all right?

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Don't, 'cause I'm gonna
say some things tonight

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that will not be true.

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And I want you to
listen to this.

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They will not be
true. They'll be lies.

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They'll be things
that, you know,

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I'll be saying things
that I don't agree with,

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I don't believe.

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It'll be the opposite
of what I believe,

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but in the context of what
we're doing this evening,

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that's called a joke.

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[audience laughing]

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Because I know.

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I know some of you young people,

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you're struggling with that
concept right now a little bit.

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[audience laughing]

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[audience applauding]
We love you. We love you.

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I know.

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But don't, because
I don't want you

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to tweet out anything I say

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or put it on your
Insta or anything.

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Don't do that because
it'll be outta context.

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They won't know we are here

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in the greatest comedy
theater in the entire world.

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It'll just go out and
it'll be outta context.

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And those words
will go out there

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and people will think
I believe those things

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and I'll have to defend them.

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And I can't be held
accountable for what I say.

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[audience laughing]

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What kind of an America
is that, everybody?

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I know.
[audience cheering]

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[audience applauding]

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Because look, it's
nothing against you.

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I'm just tired of apologizing.

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I'm tired of apologizing.

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A man in my line of work...

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When I was doing
that late night show,

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when I was doing
the late night, I-

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[audience cheering]
No, wait.

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[audience applauding]

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Thank you, everyone that
can't afford Netflix.

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But listen, when I-
[audience laughing]

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When I was doing
that late-night show,

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I had to apologize every night.

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Every night I had to
apologize for something.

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And I meant it then, obviously,

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in the sense that, you
know, had I not apologized,

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I'd have been fired.

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But we are not in that
position this evening.

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I've already got your money.

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[audience laughing]

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I once had to apologize to the
entire country of Australia.

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The whole country.

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I'm not just talking
about the people,

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I'm talking about the flora
and fauna and the kangaroos

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and the wallabies and
the witchetty grubs

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and the koala bears, and
all the other animals

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that keep a little spare
animal down the front

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in case they get a flat.

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I don't fucking know.
[audience laughing]

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But I had to apologize
to all of Australia,

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but they were very mad at me.

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Alright, I'll tell
you what happened.

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What happened was,

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there was an Australian
actor on the show,

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a friend of mine, a gentleman
by the name of Guy Pierce.

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You know Guy Pierce?

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[audience cheering]
Yeah. He's a great actor.

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Australian.

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So Guy Pierce was on the show,

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and we were just dicking around.

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Guys being dudes.

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And he was going, "Oh,
Scotland's rubbish, mate."

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And I was like,
"Australia's rubbish, mate."

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And ha ha ha.

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And then-
[audience laughing]

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Then, apparently,
I crossed a line.

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I said that Canberra, the
capital city of Australia

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was a festering shithole.

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[audience laughing]

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I know.

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I know I shouldn't
have said that.

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I don't know. I've
never been to Canberra.

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I should have said it is
allegedly a festering shithole.

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00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:06,741
[audience laughing]

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We can probably
cut that bit out.

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But what I'm saying is-
[audience laughing]

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[Craig laughs]

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What I'm saying is,
you know, you gotta...

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Just, the rules of comedy,
you know, [whimpers]

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they are what they are, I guess.

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00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:27,544
They are what they've
always been, really.

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I think the rules of comedy
are what they've always been,

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00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:32,897
which is, you know, be
funny, don't be a dick.

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00:05:32,897 --> 00:05:34,899
That's it.

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00:05:34,899 --> 00:05:38,250
Now, I use the term dick there
in it's non-gender usage.

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[audience laughing]

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[audience continues laughing]

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I mean, no disrespect
to my actual dick,

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who is a beautiful one-eyed dude

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who suffers from
occasional stiffness.

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00:05:57,574 --> 00:06:00,621
[audience laughing]

157
00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:03,188
Actually, the older I get,

158
00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:04,451
that seems to be
clearing up a little bit.

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00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,061
Yeah.
[audience laughing]

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When I was young, I was
all live and supple.

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My dick was stiff all the time.

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Now I'm stiff all the time

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and my dick's all live
and supple all the time.

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[audience laughing]

165
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I feel I'm getting so old.

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I now make the same
noises for sitting down

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as I used to make for sex.
[audience laughing]

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Like, "Oh, that is nice. Ah.

169
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Oh, I love the feeling
of the crushed velvet

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against my taint.

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Oh, that is lovely. Ah.

172
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Oh. [groaning]

173
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I'm hungry. [snoring]
[audience laughing]

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00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:46,928
[audience applauding]

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00:06:48,669 --> 00:06:51,367
[sighs] Anyway, look.

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What I'm saying is,
the rules of comedy

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00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:54,457
are what they always
were, you know?

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Just be funny and
don't be a dick.

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00:06:56,067 --> 00:06:57,721
And I think the only
people that complain

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about you can't say
what you used to say,

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are old comedians.

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Just old white comedians.

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00:07:02,944 --> 00:07:04,554
Or just old comedians.

184
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"Oh, you can't say
what you used to say,"

185
00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:07,731
but here's what I think.

186
00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:09,124
I think when old
comedians are saying that,

187
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"You can't say what
you used to say,

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'cause of the woke generation."

189
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I think what they're
really saying is,

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00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:16,087
"I'm afraid of young people."

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00:07:16,087 --> 00:07:18,612
[audience laughing]

192
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And I get it.

193
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I'm afraid of young people too.

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They move too quickly,

195
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they've very strong
opinions about things.

196
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I didn't move quickly
and have strong opinions

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00:07:25,662 --> 00:07:27,272
when I was young

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00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:29,057
because I had strong
drugs when I was young.

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00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:31,146
[audience laughing]

200
00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:32,756
It's very difficult

201
00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:34,671
to get in a nuanced
argument about pronouns

202
00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:37,805
when you're zapped off your
tits on Pakistani black hashish.

203
00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:40,851
[audience laughing]

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00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:46,901
"What's your position on the
pronoun argument, Craig?"

205
00:07:46,901 --> 00:07:50,034
Yeah...
[audience laughing]

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00:07:53,255 --> 00:07:55,779
[audience continues laughing]

207
00:07:55,779 --> 00:07:57,825
But we gotta knock it off.
That's what I'm saying.

208
00:07:57,825 --> 00:07:59,609
And I'm glad there's a mixture
old people and young people

209
00:07:59,609 --> 00:08:01,176
coming to my shows now.

210
00:08:01,176 --> 00:08:02,307
I'm glad because it
gives us a chance

211
00:08:02,307 --> 00:08:04,222
to knock this on the head.

212
00:08:04,222 --> 00:08:06,094
Old people and young people,
we've gotta knock this off.

213
00:08:06,094 --> 00:08:07,835
We've gotta stop fighting
each other. This is crazy.

214
00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:09,532
We gotta get along. We
all share the same space.

215
00:08:09,532 --> 00:08:10,664
And being old is not so
different to being young.

216
00:08:10,664 --> 00:08:12,579
I swear. It's not so different.

217
00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:14,319
You just itch a lot more,
don't you? Isn't it just itchy?

218
00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:15,886
[audience laughing]
It's like being young,

219
00:08:15,886 --> 00:08:17,497
except you're really
itchy all the time.

220
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,368
You're like, "Oh my
God." Nobody tells you.

221
00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:22,371
By the way, cortisone is the
wonder cream. Just get it.

222
00:08:24,155 --> 00:08:25,417
I mean, you're like, "I'm
itchy, I'm itchy, I'm itchy.

223
00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:27,245
[imitates squirting] Oh."

224
00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:29,857
[audience laughing]

225
00:08:29,857 --> 00:08:31,554
I think I just gave
away where I get itchy.

226
00:08:31,554 --> 00:08:34,992
[audience laughing]

227
00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:36,864
Probably cut that
out. Anyway, there.

228
00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:41,042
But the old people, you know,

229
00:08:41,042 --> 00:08:42,957
if you're old, you just
itch a little more.

230
00:08:42,957 --> 00:08:44,045
And if you're young, it's
a byproduct of being young.

231
00:08:44,045 --> 00:08:45,481
It's not your fault.

232
00:08:45,481 --> 00:08:47,048
It's not your fault
if you're young.

233
00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:48,092
That's just a side
effect to being young,

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00:08:48,092 --> 00:08:50,094
which is you're stupid.

235
00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:53,315
[audience laughing]

236
00:08:53,315 --> 00:08:56,361
I know you think you're
not, but you are.

237
00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:59,669
You're so stupid, you don't
even know you're stupid.

238
00:08:59,669 --> 00:09:01,410
But the thing is, you know...

239
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:04,152
Oh, God, I'm so itchy.

240
00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:07,459
[audience laughing]

241
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:09,200
But here's the thing.

242
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,375
If you're older now,
think back, older people,

243
00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:12,290
If you're older now,

244
00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:13,596
that means you were young
in the sixties or seventies

245
00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:15,990
or eighties or nineties.

246
00:09:15,990 --> 00:09:18,253
"Huh, what? No, Craig."

247
00:09:18,253 --> 00:09:19,776
Yeah, nineties as well!

248
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:21,386
"No, Craig, Hoobastank!"

249
00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:22,300
No, no, no Hoobastank.

250
00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:25,434
"No Craig, Hootie
and the Blowfish."

251
00:09:25,434 --> 00:09:29,656
No. Hootie and the no fish.
[audience laughing]

252
00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:33,137
They're all dead. They all died.

253
00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:36,576
They were all found floating
at the top of the pool.

254
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:40,449
[audience laughing]

255
00:09:40,449 --> 00:09:42,407
They're fine. That's stupid.

256
00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,889
So what I'm saying
is, if you're old now,

257
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,543
that means you were young
in the sixties, seventies,

258
00:09:47,543 --> 00:09:49,414
eighties, or nineties, you know?

259
00:09:49,414 --> 00:09:53,505
Which means back then, you
know, not only were you stupid,

260
00:09:53,505 --> 00:09:55,246
you were also, and I don't
know about you personally,

261
00:09:55,246 --> 00:09:58,032
but statistically, if
you were young then,

262
00:09:58,032 --> 00:09:59,686
you were promiscuous.

263
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:00,948
[audience member chuckles]

264
00:10:00,948 --> 00:10:04,734
Uh-huh.
[audience laughing]

265
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:06,649
But what happened is,
the sexy generation,

266
00:10:06,649 --> 00:10:08,172
they had a lot of sex,

267
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:10,871
and they had babies.

268
00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:15,092
The babies grew
up to be the Gen Z

269
00:10:15,092 --> 00:10:16,790
and the Millennial generation

270
00:10:16,790 --> 00:10:18,269
and they did what the
next generation does.

271
00:10:18,269 --> 00:10:20,097
They rebelled
against the attitudes

272
00:10:20,097 --> 00:10:21,229
and the morals of the
generation that came before

273
00:10:21,229 --> 00:10:23,231
and it swung the other way.

274
00:10:23,231 --> 00:10:27,017
And sex became bad and dirty
and naughty and creepy again.

275
00:10:29,498 --> 00:10:32,849
Thank you.
[audience laughing]

276
00:10:34,329 --> 00:10:36,287
Because I'm a
Scottish Protestant.

277
00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:38,115
We are not comfortable with
sex the way you guys do it,

278
00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:40,030
with a touching and kissing

279
00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:43,120
and being in the same
room and all that.

280
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,209
[audience laughing]
We don't.

281
00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:49,083
Scottish Protestants.
We have sex by mail.

282
00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:51,259
That's how we do it.
We have sex by mail.

283
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:58,962
Dear Margaret-
[audience laughing]

284
00:10:58,962 --> 00:11:01,312
I hope this letter
finds you well.

285
00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:05,403
[chuckles] Oh, you like
that, don't you, Margaret?

286
00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:08,624
[audience laughing]

287
00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:13,673
[Craig moaning]
[audience laughing]

288
00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:18,939
[Craig moaning]
[audience laughing]

289
00:11:21,506 --> 00:11:25,685
[Craig moaning]
[audience laughing]

290
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,949
Anyway, Margaret,
as your husband,

291
00:11:28,949 --> 00:11:32,082
I have decided it is
time we had a baby

292
00:11:32,082 --> 00:11:34,911
so please find enclosed
in this envelope

293
00:11:34,911 --> 00:11:37,000
an example of my jizz.

294
00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:40,351
[audience laughing]

295
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:41,875
Too much? Jizz is too much?

296
00:11:41,875 --> 00:11:44,181
[audience laughing]
Alright.

297
00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:47,445
An example of my man
gravy. Man gravy?

298
00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:49,665
[audience laughing]

299
00:11:49,665 --> 00:11:53,800
Scrotum custard.
[audience groaning]

300
00:11:55,453 --> 00:11:58,761
Egg drop soup. I don't know!
[audience laughing]

301
00:11:58,761 --> 00:12:00,720
Please insert it
into your lady parts

302
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,548
and all being well, I'll
see you at the christening.

303
00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:05,550
Best wishes, your
husband, Adolf.

304
00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:09,729
That's how we do it.
[audience laughing]

305
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:10,947
Don't do that.

306
00:12:12,906 --> 00:12:14,777
Anyway, look, here's
the thing though.

307
00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:17,824
I have to say my Gen Z and
millennial brothers and sisters,

308
00:12:17,824 --> 00:12:20,217
as much as I love you,
I got some news for you.

309
00:12:20,217 --> 00:12:23,699
If you're in your thirties,
early thirties, mid thirties,

310
00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:26,397
late twenties, maybe,
you're in that wheelhouse

311
00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:28,878
and probably starting to
have kids of your own now.

312
00:12:28,878 --> 00:12:30,662
Those little tykes

313
00:12:30,662 --> 00:12:32,403
you left tied to the
furniture in the double wide

314
00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:33,665
to be here tonight.

315
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:36,233
I know.
[audience laughing]

316
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:40,150
I know where I am.
[audience laughing]

317
00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:44,154
[audience continues laughing]

318
00:12:44,154 --> 00:12:47,636
It's specifically for
the reasonably-priced seats up there.

319
00:12:49,464 --> 00:12:52,206
[audience cheering]
But, here's what I'm thinking.

320
00:12:54,164 --> 00:12:55,644
Here's what I'm saying though.

321
00:12:55,644 --> 00:12:57,298
Here's what I'm saying,

322
00:12:57,298 --> 00:12:59,256
my Gen Z and millennial
brothers and sisters,

323
00:12:59,256 --> 00:13:00,214
if you're a young parent right
now, you got little kids,

324
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:01,911
those little tykes,

325
00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:03,739
they're not gonna stay
little tykes forever.

326
00:13:03,739 --> 00:13:05,349
They're not gonna stay
adorable little tots forever.

327
00:13:05,349 --> 00:13:06,394
They're gonna grow up.
That's the way it works.

328
00:13:06,394 --> 00:13:08,178
They're gonna grow up

329
00:13:08,178 --> 00:13:11,138
and the pendulum's gonna
swing the other way.

330
00:13:11,138 --> 00:13:14,794
And they're gonna rebel
against your attitudes.

331
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,621
They are coming.

332
00:13:16,621 --> 00:13:18,885
[audience laughing]

333
00:13:18,885 --> 00:13:21,061
And they will make
Caligula's Rome

334
00:13:21,061 --> 00:13:23,324
look like Mr.
Rogers' neighborhood.

335
00:13:23,324 --> 00:13:24,368
[audience laughing]
They are coming!

336
00:13:29,634 --> 00:13:31,158
If I was a young
parent right now,

337
00:13:31,158 --> 00:13:33,116
I'd start saving up
for bail and rehab

338
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:35,162
'cause you're gonna need it.

339
00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:36,816
And to be honest,

340
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,774
my millennial and Gen
Z brothers and sisters,

341
00:13:38,774 --> 00:13:40,471
you kind of deserve it, you
smug, self-righteous ass-hats.

342
00:13:40,471 --> 00:13:43,387
Now wait. Now wait.
[audience laughing]

343
00:13:43,387 --> 00:13:45,520
[audience applauding]
I know what you're thinking.

344
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,174
"Oh, come on, Craig.

345
00:13:47,174 --> 00:13:48,740
Old comedian railing
against young people."

346
00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:51,613
Well, I have to speak
my truth, don't I?

347
00:13:51,613 --> 00:13:54,485
[audience laughing]

348
00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:56,313
"Speak your truth."
What is your truth?

349
00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:57,619
"Well, if you believe
something to be true,

350
00:13:57,619 --> 00:13:58,794
that's your truth,"

351
00:13:58,794 --> 00:13:59,839
So the truth is subjective?

352
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,449
"In a way, yes."

353
00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:03,930
I really wish I'd known that

354
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:05,757
in a court case in
Glasgow in 1987.

355
00:14:05,757 --> 00:14:08,891
[audience laughing]

356
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:10,980
Speak your truth.

357
00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:14,505
Do you know where I first
heard that actually,

358
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:18,683
was from Harry and
Megan, speak your truth.

359
00:14:18,683 --> 00:14:21,295
Don't get surly with me.
They're your problem now.

360
00:14:21,295 --> 00:14:24,428
[audience laughing]

361
00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:27,083
I like when one of them said,

362
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:28,258
I can't remember
which one it was.

363
00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:29,520
The one that complains the most.

364
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:32,828
I dunno.
[audience laughing]

365
00:14:32,828 --> 00:14:35,526
But one of them said,
"We have some news.

366
00:14:35,526 --> 00:14:37,441
I was like, wow.

367
00:14:37,441 --> 00:14:40,488
They said, "Someone in the
royal family is a racist."

368
00:14:40,488 --> 00:14:42,403
I was like, "Yeah?"

369
00:14:42,403 --> 00:14:45,710
[audience laughing]

370
00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:50,585
It's nothing to do with them
being royal. They're a family.

371
00:14:50,585 --> 00:14:52,979
If you don't know who the
racist is in your family,

372
00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:56,460
it's cause it's you.
[audience laughing]

373
00:14:56,460 --> 00:14:58,332
It's part of family life.

374
00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:03,250
You ever been to a wedding?

375
00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:04,642
"Grandpa would like
to say a few words."

376
00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:07,080
"No, he will not
not say few words!"

377
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,473
Anyway, I like that
young people annoy me.

378
00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:10,997
It means that we're
still moving forward.

379
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:12,824
We're still developing
as a society.

380
00:15:12,824 --> 00:15:14,739
You know, I'm old,
they're young, but.

381
00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:16,480
'Cause for a while there,

382
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:17,917
I thought we were all
just turning into robots.

383
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,527
They're not cool robots

384
00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:20,920
like Jeff Pearson in
the old late-night show?

385
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,878
I know.
[audience cheering]

386
00:15:22,878 --> 00:15:26,447
[audience applauding]

387
00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:29,972
Everybody loved Jeff. I know.

388
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:31,626
I love Jeff too.

389
00:15:31,626 --> 00:15:32,888
People still say to me,
"Craig, where's Jeff?"

390
00:15:32,888 --> 00:15:34,281
And I always say the same thing.

391
00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:36,022
"Fucking your mom," but I don't-

392
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:39,025
[audience laughing]

393
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,245
[Craig chuckles]

394
00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:43,681
We'll cut that out.
We'll cut that out.

395
00:15:43,681 --> 00:15:45,509
But I don't say that.

396
00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:47,076
I think it, but I don't say it.

397
00:15:48,599 --> 00:15:51,254
No, I'm talking about
the AI in our phones

398
00:15:51,254 --> 00:15:53,169
that was making us
think like robots.

399
00:15:53,169 --> 00:15:55,737
These invisible robots that
they put inside our phones

400
00:15:55,737 --> 00:15:57,913
to make us think, like,
in ones and zeros.

401
00:15:57,913 --> 00:16:00,002
That's what AI stands for.

402
00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:03,788
Are invisible. Are invisible
robots that they...

403
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:07,053
And they were put in there by
Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg,

404
00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:08,663
one of the two.

405
00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:09,664
I don't know who it was,
but it was one of them.

406
00:16:09,664 --> 00:16:12,493
[audience chuckling]

407
00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:15,235
[audience laughing]

408
00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:19,674
Do you know that Elon
Musk has 28 children?

409
00:16:19,674 --> 00:16:22,720
[audience laughing]

410
00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:28,161
I believe he has 28 children,
therefore it's true.

411
00:16:28,161 --> 00:16:30,728
[audience laughing]

412
00:16:30,728 --> 00:16:32,426
I'll tell you about Elon Musk.

413
00:16:32,426 --> 00:16:35,037
Do you guys remember a
show called Teletubbies?

414
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:36,908
Do you remember Teletubbies?
[audience cheering]

415
00:16:36,908 --> 00:16:38,867
I loved Teletubbies.

416
00:16:38,867 --> 00:16:40,651
I used to watch it with my boys
when they were very little.

417
00:16:40,651 --> 00:16:42,958
I used to watch Teletubbies
and I loved that show.

418
00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:44,438
You know, every time I
watched it, I thought,

419
00:16:44,438 --> 00:16:46,396
"Man, I wish I
still took Hashish."

420
00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:50,357
I feel that it would be a
real kind of duck ala orange.

421
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,361
But I loved it. I particularly
loved Tinky-Winky.

422
00:16:54,361 --> 00:16:56,102
[audience groaning]
How dare you!

423
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:58,930
Shut up about Lala, Dipsey
and Po, you asshole!

424
00:16:58,930 --> 00:17:02,021
[audience laughing]

425
00:17:03,413 --> 00:17:04,588
Tinky-Winky was the best one

426
00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:07,287
with a big thing on its head

427
00:17:07,287 --> 00:17:10,333
and a handbag, a little purse,

428
00:17:10,333 --> 00:17:14,468
and an alcohol problem, I
think, really, Tinky-Winkie.

429
00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:17,384
Tinky-Winkie had a rinky dinky.

430
00:17:17,384 --> 00:17:20,213
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

431
00:17:20,213 --> 00:17:22,128
Uh-oh, Tinky-Winky fall down.

432
00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:25,305
Uh-oh!
[audience laughing]

433
00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:28,177
Uh-oh.

434
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:30,179
Do you remember in that show,

435
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,442
the little baby that used to
come up when the sun came up?

436
00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:34,444
The little sun baby that
used to go [cooing].

437
00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:37,447
The sun baby?

438
00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:41,712
That baby was Elon Musk.
[audience laughing]

439
00:17:46,021 --> 00:17:47,240
I believe it was.

440
00:17:49,024 --> 00:17:50,634
I don't think it was Mark
Zuckerberg, because he's not...

441
00:17:50,634 --> 00:17:52,288
You wouldn't have him as your...

442
00:17:53,942 --> 00:17:57,511
He's not an attractive man.
[audience laughing]

443
00:17:58,599 --> 00:18:00,383
He's not.

444
00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:02,255
Well look, I'm not judging,
but there is a thing

445
00:18:02,255 --> 00:18:04,083
that he brings out in
me that I don't like.

446
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,780
It's not his fault, but he
brings out something in me

447
00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:07,390
that I don't like about myself.

448
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:08,826
I've never felt this
emotion in my life.

449
00:18:08,826 --> 00:18:10,785
Never even in
junior high school.

450
00:18:10,785 --> 00:18:13,875
But every time I see even a
photograph of Mark Z-Zuckerberg,

451
00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:15,224
Zuckerber-berg.

452
00:18:15,224 --> 00:18:17,008
Even just a photograph of him,

453
00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:18,575
all I wanna do is just
give him a purple nurple.

454
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:22,101
Now, what is that?
[audience laughing]

455
00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:26,409
Anyway, what I'm saying is

456
00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:28,585
we have to stop
thinking like robots.

457
00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:32,023
I've thought of a way of saving
earth from robot thinking.

458
00:18:32,023 --> 00:18:33,851
I used to have friends.

459
00:18:33,851 --> 00:18:35,244
I've still got 'em actually,
friends, good friends.

460
00:18:35,244 --> 00:18:36,898
And I didn't agree
with 'em at all.

461
00:18:36,898 --> 00:18:38,856
I didn't agree with 'em at all.

462
00:18:38,856 --> 00:18:40,249
I don't even like 'em.

463
00:18:40,249 --> 00:18:41,337
They'll get guys
that come around.

464
00:18:41,337 --> 00:18:42,904
My wife still says to me,

465
00:18:42,904 --> 00:18:43,905
"Why is this guy coming
around for dinner?

466
00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:45,472
You hate this guy."

467
00:18:45,472 --> 00:18:46,429
I'm like, "I know,
but he's my friend."

468
00:18:46,429 --> 00:18:48,779
[audience laughing]

469
00:18:48,779 --> 00:18:50,738
That's how it works.

470
00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:52,696
But now it's like, you know,
you have to think like a robot.

471
00:18:52,696 --> 00:18:54,829
Agree with me or you're wrong.

472
00:18:54,829 --> 00:18:57,136
You think the way I
think or you're canceled.

473
00:18:59,747 --> 00:19:01,618
So we have to stop
thinking like robots

474
00:19:01,618 --> 00:19:05,318
and we all have to think
more like my Auntie Betty

475
00:19:06,971 --> 00:19:10,932
who lives right
here in this city.

476
00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:14,109
[audience laughing]

477
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,461
All right, all
right, she doesn't.

478
00:19:19,549 --> 00:19:21,508
[laughing] I believe she does.

479
00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:26,600
No, my Auntie Betty is a
very emotionally-well person.

480
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,297
She's a very
emotionally developed,

481
00:19:28,297 --> 00:19:30,560
very emotionally-intelligent
human being.

482
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,694
If she disagrees with
something you say,

483
00:19:33,694 --> 00:19:35,217
if she thinks you
were talking shit,

484
00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:36,871
she doesn't try and cancel you.

485
00:19:36,871 --> 00:19:38,873
Here's how you know
you're talking shit

486
00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:40,091
around my Auntie Betty.

487
00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:42,093
You say whatever crap you say,

488
00:19:42,093 --> 00:19:44,487
and then if she thinks you're
talking crap, she'll do this.

489
00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:46,837
She'll say, "Oh, is that right?

490
00:19:46,837 --> 00:19:49,405
[audience laughing]

491
00:19:49,405 --> 00:19:51,581
Well, shows what I know."

492
00:19:53,757 --> 00:19:55,585
Then you know
you're talking shit.

493
00:19:55,585 --> 00:19:57,805
Now, I'm very fond
of my Auntie Betty.

494
00:19:57,805 --> 00:19:59,285
I'm very close with her still.

495
00:19:59,285 --> 00:20:00,721
She's not that
much older than me.

496
00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:02,375
She's about 16
years older than me,

497
00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:04,333
and when I was born,
my mom was very sick.

498
00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:06,117
She's my mom's youngest sister,

499
00:20:06,117 --> 00:20:08,076
so she looked after me when
I was a baby, you know?

500
00:20:08,076 --> 00:20:09,991
And she looked after me
when I was very young.

501
00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:13,342
It was the 1960s and she was
the first person, actually,

502
00:20:13,342 --> 00:20:17,346
that put the idea of a place
called America in my head

503
00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:19,305
'cause she loved
American rock and roll.

504
00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:20,480
Loved it.

505
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:21,959
Her favorite was Little Richard.

506
00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:23,004
And-
[audience cheering]

507
00:20:23,004 --> 00:20:24,788
I know.

508
00:20:24,788 --> 00:20:27,835
She used to sing "Tutti
Frutti" to me as a lullaby.

509
00:20:27,835 --> 00:20:29,053
That was like...

510
00:20:29,053 --> 00:20:31,882
♪ Tutti frutti, oh la rudy

511
00:20:31,882 --> 00:20:33,449
[audience laughing]

512
00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:35,799
♪ Go to sleep you
little bastard ♪

513
00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:38,933
[audience laughing]

514
00:20:41,196 --> 00:20:42,850
Years later,

515
00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:44,591
when Little Richard was
on my late night show,

516
00:20:44,591 --> 00:20:45,983
I was surprised he didn't
have a Scottish accent.

517
00:20:45,983 --> 00:20:49,030
[audience laughing]

518
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:52,076
And he was surprised
when I fell asleep

519
00:20:52,076 --> 00:20:54,949
during "Tutti Frutti."
[audience laughing]

520
00:20:54,949 --> 00:20:56,211
That's stupid. That's stupid.

521
00:20:57,778 --> 00:20:59,258
You can't fall asleep
during "Tutti Frutti."

522
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,085
Tutti frutti! I'm
awake, I'm awake!

523
00:21:01,085 --> 00:21:05,873
Anyway, about probably
18 months ago,

524
00:21:05,873 --> 00:21:07,657
I was talking to
my Auntie Betty.

525
00:21:07,657 --> 00:21:10,573
I was in Scotland, I was
talking to my Auntie Betty,

526
00:21:10,573 --> 00:21:12,358
and some offers were coming in

527
00:21:12,358 --> 00:21:15,012
to go on the road and
start doing standup again

528
00:21:15,012 --> 00:21:17,928
around these great
United States.

529
00:21:17,928 --> 00:21:19,582
She said, "Are you going out?

530
00:21:19,582 --> 00:21:21,497
Are you going out and
do a standup tour?"

531
00:21:21,497 --> 00:21:22,629
I said, "You know what? I don't
think I will, Auntie Betty."

532
00:21:22,629 --> 00:21:24,631
She was like, "Why, Craig? Why?

533
00:21:24,631 --> 00:21:27,024
It's always been your dream
to appear in this city."

534
00:21:27,024 --> 00:21:29,244
[audience laughing]

535
00:21:29,244 --> 00:21:31,202
She said, "You love
doing standup. Why wouldn't you go out?"

536
00:21:31,202 --> 00:21:33,553
I said, "To be honest, Auntie
Betty, it's the young people.

537
00:21:33,553 --> 00:21:35,468
It's the young people.

538
00:21:35,468 --> 00:21:37,252
I feel like they're waiting
on the balls of their feet

539
00:21:37,252 --> 00:21:39,472
waiting for you to say
something wrong, anything wrong,

540
00:21:39,472 --> 00:21:40,951
and then they're, boom,
they're gonna boom,

541
00:21:40,951 --> 00:21:42,344
and you're canceled.

542
00:21:42,344 --> 00:21:43,519
That's it. It's
over, you're done.

543
00:21:43,519 --> 00:21:44,738
And not only are you done now,

544
00:21:44,738 --> 00:21:45,956
anything you ever did is done.

545
00:21:45,956 --> 00:21:48,394
You're over. You never existed.

546
00:21:48,394 --> 00:21:50,352
They're terrible."

547
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:53,224
And she said, "Oh no, I
don't see it that way at all

548
00:21:53,224 --> 00:21:54,182
with the young people."

549
00:21:54,182 --> 00:21:55,836
I said, "What?"

550
00:21:55,836 --> 00:21:57,490
She said, "No, Craig,
the young people today,

551
00:21:57,490 --> 00:21:59,100
I see it more like,

552
00:21:59,100 --> 00:22:00,754
do you remember that
old David Bowie song

553
00:22:00,754 --> 00:22:03,322
in the 1970s when he sang-

554
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,149
♪ Cha-cha-cha-cha-Changes

555
00:22:05,149 --> 00:22:08,327
[audience laughing]

556
00:22:09,589 --> 00:22:12,331
I was like, "No.
No, Auntie Betty.

557
00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:14,202
No, not cha-cha-cha-changes.

558
00:22:14,202 --> 00:22:16,552
They're fa-fa-fa-fa-fascists.
That's what they are."

559
00:22:16,552 --> 00:22:18,859
[audience laughing]

560
00:22:18,859 --> 00:22:20,556
They're just after,
they're just,

561
00:22:20,556 --> 00:22:22,776
they're little kind
of... [groaning]

562
00:22:22,776 --> 00:22:24,560
Their pitchforks.

563
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,650
No, they're terrifying.
They're nasty little Nazis."

564
00:22:27,650 --> 00:22:28,695
And then it went quiet.

565
00:22:28,695 --> 00:22:30,305
And then she said it.

566
00:22:30,305 --> 00:22:33,961
"Oh, is that right?
[audience laughing]

567
00:22:37,399 --> 00:22:39,096
Shows what I know.

568
00:22:39,096 --> 00:22:41,316
[audience laughing]

569
00:22:41,316 --> 00:22:43,449
And that's when I knew
I was talking shit.

570
00:22:44,885 --> 00:22:47,061
So I had to rethink
my whole worldview

571
00:22:47,061 --> 00:22:48,845
about the young people.

572
00:22:48,845 --> 00:22:50,586
I had to alter my entire
[speaking foreign language].

573
00:22:53,850 --> 00:22:55,330
[audience laughing]

574
00:22:55,330 --> 00:22:57,550
You're welcome one
German academic.

575
00:22:57,550 --> 00:23:00,814
[all laughing]

576
00:23:00,814 --> 00:23:03,556
"Finally a joke for
me. Oh, that's good.

577
00:23:03,556 --> 00:23:08,561
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

578
00:23:09,997 --> 00:23:11,651
I was hoping there
maybe would be one.

579
00:23:11,651 --> 00:23:13,043
At least one German
joke and here we are."

580
00:23:16,525 --> 00:23:18,745
It's like, alright,
stupid. Stop it.

581
00:23:18,745 --> 00:23:20,529
German people don't
walk like that.

582
00:23:22,052 --> 00:23:25,621
At the moment.
[audience laughing]

583
00:23:26,622 --> 00:23:28,494
Although I get a sense,

584
00:23:28,494 --> 00:23:30,147
some people are stretching
and getting ready though.

585
00:23:32,236 --> 00:23:34,978
The word [speaking foreign
language] is a German word.

586
00:23:34,978 --> 00:23:38,895
It means worldview and I had
to change my entire world view

587
00:23:38,895 --> 00:23:40,680
about the young people so I did.

588
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:41,768
And here's what I think
about the young people now.

589
00:23:41,768 --> 00:23:43,334
Here's the truth of it.

590
00:23:43,334 --> 00:23:44,727
You're right.

591
00:23:44,727 --> 00:23:47,251
It's your turn.
It's not my turn.

592
00:23:47,251 --> 00:23:49,515
You are the youth. I'm old.

593
00:23:49,515 --> 00:23:50,733
I had my shot at it.

594
00:23:50,733 --> 00:23:52,648
If you guys want to take over

595
00:23:52,648 --> 00:23:54,998
and change the way the world
works, how society works,

596
00:23:54,998 --> 00:23:56,609
how gender works,
how music works,

597
00:23:56,609 --> 00:23:58,611
how politic works,
how everything works,

598
00:23:58,611 --> 00:24:00,308
if you want to
change it all, do it.

599
00:24:00,308 --> 00:24:01,657
You're right. It's your turn.

600
00:24:01,657 --> 00:24:03,442
I love you.

601
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:05,313
I love you, my Gen Z and
millennial brothers and sisters,

602
00:24:05,313 --> 00:24:06,662
and I support you.

603
00:24:07,794 --> 00:24:11,798
However-
[audience laughing]

604
00:24:11,798 --> 00:24:15,062
If I accidentally
cross over a line

605
00:24:15,062 --> 00:24:17,064
that you guys drew
20 minutes ago,

606
00:24:18,718 --> 00:24:20,633
and it will be accidental
'cause I'm listening,

607
00:24:20,633 --> 00:24:22,025
I wouldn't be just going,
"Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you.

608
00:24:22,025 --> 00:24:23,200
Didn't hear you. Ah!"

609
00:24:24,767 --> 00:24:27,204
If I accidentally
cross over that line,

610
00:24:27,204 --> 00:24:28,989
or more likely I
crossed over that line

611
00:24:28,989 --> 00:24:30,991
20 years ago before
you were born,

612
00:24:32,558 --> 00:24:34,385
then at that point,

613
00:24:34,385 --> 00:24:37,171
I also have to say, with
all the love in the world,

614
00:24:37,171 --> 00:24:38,520
go fuck yourself.

615
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:39,695
There.
[audience applauding]

616
00:24:39,695 --> 00:24:41,349
That to me seems fair.

617
00:24:41,349 --> 00:24:46,136
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

618
00:24:50,532 --> 00:24:52,316
I feel that's a
decent compromise.

619
00:24:52,316 --> 00:24:54,928
[audience laughing]

620
00:24:54,928 --> 00:24:57,147
[laughing] I'm 61 years old.

621
00:24:57,147 --> 00:25:00,455
I'm not afraid of getting
canceled on social media.

622
00:25:00,455 --> 00:25:02,283
I'm afraid of getting
canceled by God.

623
00:25:02,283 --> 00:25:05,329
[audience laughing]

624
00:25:07,114 --> 00:25:10,683
"Craig, that tweet was
inappropriate. Come on."

625
00:25:10,683 --> 00:25:11,510
Coming.

626
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:12,946
"No wrong way."

627
00:25:12,946 --> 00:25:15,731
[Craig groaning]
[audience laughing]

628
00:25:15,731 --> 00:25:17,559
I think much more
than I used to.

629
00:25:17,559 --> 00:25:19,387
Every time I go for a poop,
I think, "Is this it?"

630
00:25:19,387 --> 00:25:21,781
[audience laughing]

631
00:25:21,781 --> 00:25:23,130
Right?

632
00:25:23,130 --> 00:25:24,784
I know.

633
00:25:24,784 --> 00:25:26,525
I'm like, "Uh-oh. Oh
no, it's all right."

634
00:25:28,701 --> 00:25:30,441
Here's a word, by the
way, a word of advice

635
00:25:30,441 --> 00:25:31,834
if you're getting a bit older.

636
00:25:31,834 --> 00:25:33,532
If you have the
beet salad one day,

637
00:25:33,532 --> 00:25:35,403
write it down and
remember for the next day.

638
00:25:35,403 --> 00:25:38,537
[audience laughing]

639
00:25:44,717 --> 00:25:46,501
You can give yourself
a nasty turn.

640
00:25:49,286 --> 00:25:51,071
I think about it
more than I used to.

641
00:25:51,071 --> 00:25:53,726
I thought I was gonna die
when I had the Covids.

642
00:25:53,726 --> 00:25:55,771
Did you guys hear
about that? The Covids?

643
00:25:57,599 --> 00:26:00,254
I mean, I know it never got
here, but did you hear about it?

644
00:26:01,864 --> 00:26:03,126
You guys are like, "Yeah,
just keep walking."

645
00:26:03,126 --> 00:26:06,260
[audience laughing]

646
00:26:07,914 --> 00:26:11,178
It was bad. I dunno if
you guys know it was bad.

647
00:26:11,178 --> 00:26:13,659
I've had the Covid
twice. It was bad.

648
00:26:13,659 --> 00:26:15,574
All the front row,
you've all got it again.

649
00:26:15,574 --> 00:26:17,184
[audience laughing]

650
00:26:17,184 --> 00:26:20,579
[Craig coughing]

651
00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:23,886
Nah, actually, I had to get
tested for this, so I'm fine.

652
00:26:23,886 --> 00:26:26,280
I do feel a bit monkey-poxy
though. I don't-

653
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,064
[audience laughing]

654
00:26:28,064 --> 00:26:31,938
[Craig imitating
monkey grunting]

655
00:26:31,938 --> 00:26:34,201
Maybe I just need some
cortisone and a banana.

656
00:26:34,201 --> 00:26:38,988
I don't know.
[audience laughing]

657
00:26:38,988 --> 00:26:41,034
I had the Covid twice. It's bad.

658
00:26:41,034 --> 00:26:42,209
I thought...

659
00:26:42,209 --> 00:26:43,384
I had it right at the beginning,

660
00:26:43,384 --> 00:26:44,864
right at the very beginning.

661
00:26:44,864 --> 00:26:46,256
Like, the very
beginning, you know,

662
00:26:46,256 --> 00:26:48,171
before masks or
testing or anything.

663
00:26:48,171 --> 00:26:51,697
You know, when it was still
cool? I got it right then.

664
00:26:51,697 --> 00:26:53,176
Right at the very beginning.

665
00:26:53,176 --> 00:26:54,351
We didn't know
what was happening.

666
00:26:54,351 --> 00:26:55,526
I got it right at the beginning

667
00:26:55,526 --> 00:26:57,311
when we thought you could get it

668
00:26:57,311 --> 00:26:58,965
from not having enough
toilet paper in your house.

669
00:26:58,965 --> 00:27:02,142
[audience laughing]
That's when I got it.

670
00:27:02,142 --> 00:27:03,665
"Quick, Covid is coming.
Get toilet paper."

671
00:27:03,665 --> 00:27:05,232
"Why?"

672
00:27:05,232 --> 00:27:06,581
"Well, you have to
stuff in your ass."

673
00:27:06,581 --> 00:27:08,496
"Why?"

674
00:27:08,496 --> 00:27:11,238
"Well, the Covid bat
flies into your house

675
00:27:11,238 --> 00:27:13,675
and if it sees your ass is
open, it flies up your ass

676
00:27:13,675 --> 00:27:16,373
and goes [coughs]
into your body.

677
00:27:16,373 --> 00:27:19,507
But if it flies in and your
ass is full of toilet paper,

678
00:27:19,507 --> 00:27:22,423
the bat will go, 'I'll go
somewhere else,' and fly away."

679
00:27:22,423 --> 00:27:25,469
[audience laughing]

680
00:27:27,863 --> 00:27:29,996
I got it right in the
beginning when we thought

681
00:27:29,996 --> 00:27:33,652
you could get it
from not washing your groceries correctly.

682
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:35,915
[audience laughing]

683
00:27:35,915 --> 00:27:37,699
Then you buy your groceries
and you take 'em home

684
00:27:37,699 --> 00:27:39,875
and you wipe 'em
down with bleach!

685
00:27:39,875 --> 00:27:43,009
[audience laughing]

686
00:27:44,271 --> 00:27:46,055
And then look at
it for three days.

687
00:27:46,055 --> 00:27:47,491
"That ham look Covid-y to you?"

688
00:27:47,491 --> 00:27:49,102
"I don't know.

689
00:27:49,102 --> 00:27:51,365
I'm so hungry I could
read a Covid bat."

690
00:27:51,365 --> 00:27:54,194
[audience laughing]

691
00:27:54,194 --> 00:27:55,630
It was bad.

692
00:27:55,630 --> 00:27:57,153
And also, it wasn't
just the Covid,

693
00:27:57,153 --> 00:27:58,894
especially at the beginning.

694
00:27:58,894 --> 00:28:01,157
It was the fear that was
everywhere with the Covid

695
00:28:01,157 --> 00:28:03,246
'cause you didn't know

696
00:28:03,246 --> 00:28:06,075
what bonus feature you were
going to get with the Covid.

697
00:28:07,555 --> 00:28:09,862
What are you gonna
get as your DVD extra?

698
00:28:09,862 --> 00:28:12,168
[audience laughing]

699
00:28:12,168 --> 00:28:13,735
What are you gonna get?

700
00:28:13,735 --> 00:28:14,823
You get Covid, what
are you gonna get?

701
00:28:14,823 --> 00:28:16,433
You gonna get long Covid?

702
00:28:16,433 --> 00:28:18,261
You gonna get the
cardiovascular thing?

703
00:28:18,261 --> 00:28:19,219
You gonna get the beet salad?
What are you gonna get?

704
00:28:19,219 --> 00:28:21,177
[audience laughing]

705
00:28:21,177 --> 00:28:23,179
And I'll be honest with you,
the first time I got Covid,

706
00:28:23,179 --> 00:28:27,357
Covid is bad, but the bonus
feature was much, much worse.

707
00:28:27,357 --> 00:28:29,359
The bonus feature I got
the first time with Covid,

708
00:28:29,359 --> 00:28:31,144
much worse than the Covid.

709
00:28:31,144 --> 00:28:34,756
I got, as my bonus feature
the first time around,

710
00:28:34,756 --> 00:28:39,500
a horrible, agonizing,
debilitating UTI.

711
00:28:39,500 --> 00:28:41,807
[audience groaning]

712
00:28:41,807 --> 00:28:44,287
[Craig laughing]
[audience laughing]

713
00:28:44,287 --> 00:28:47,638
That was a particularly
female ooh,

714
00:28:47,638 --> 00:28:48,944
if you don't mind me saying so.

715
00:28:49,989 --> 00:28:51,686
Listen, I hear you, my sisters.

716
00:28:51,686 --> 00:28:53,993
I had no idea. I apologize.

717
00:28:55,342 --> 00:28:58,475
I'm here for you
ladies. I'm so sorry.

718
00:28:58,475 --> 00:29:01,348
I did not know. I had no idea.

719
00:29:01,348 --> 00:29:03,350
Cranberry juice.
Cranberry juice.

720
00:29:03,350 --> 00:29:06,005
[audience laughing]
Unbelievable.

721
00:29:06,005 --> 00:29:08,790
If you don't know what a UTI
is, you're probably a dude.

722
00:29:10,139 --> 00:29:13,055
UTI stands for urinary
tract infection.

723
00:29:13,055 --> 00:29:16,145
"Oh really, Craig? I thought
only ladies got a UTI."

724
00:29:16,145 --> 00:29:19,235
No! Anyone that's got
a UT can get an I.

725
00:29:19,235 --> 00:29:21,411
[audience laughing]

726
00:29:21,411 --> 00:29:24,458
[audience applauding]

727
00:29:24,458 --> 00:29:26,068
"Craig, are you saying

728
00:29:26,068 --> 00:29:27,504
you didn't clean your
vagina correctly?"

729
00:29:27,504 --> 00:29:29,768
No, I did! I did
clean it correctly.

730
00:29:29,768 --> 00:29:32,858
And anyway, that's not how you
get it you fucking asshole.

731
00:29:32,858 --> 00:29:35,991
[audience laughing]

732
00:29:37,079 --> 00:29:40,256
[audience continues laughing]

733
00:29:40,256 --> 00:29:43,869
[audience cheering]
I'm here, I'm here.

734
00:29:43,869 --> 00:29:46,001
I'm here and I
apologize, ladies.

735
00:29:46,001 --> 00:29:48,569
I apologize. I had no idea.

736
00:29:48,569 --> 00:29:50,136
It was bad.

737
00:29:50,136 --> 00:29:52,051
I mean, it was so
bad, I was sweating

738
00:29:52,051 --> 00:29:55,881
and horrible with the Covid
and my penis was on fire.

739
00:29:55,881 --> 00:29:58,448
It was like, ah, it was like
the 1980s all over again.

740
00:29:58,448 --> 00:30:01,234
[audience laughing]

741
00:30:01,234 --> 00:30:04,411
I swear to God, the only
relief I could get, I swear,

742
00:30:04,411 --> 00:30:07,414
was putting my penis in
a glass of cold water.

743
00:30:07,414 --> 00:30:08,545
I was like, [groaning].

744
00:30:11,287 --> 00:30:13,376
I can never go back
to that Denny's.

745
00:30:13,376 --> 00:30:18,425
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

746
00:30:21,602 --> 00:30:23,865
Just the pancakes,
please. Just the pancakes.

747
00:30:28,522 --> 00:30:30,045
It was really bad.

748
00:30:30,045 --> 00:30:32,221
And I was in Scotland
when I got it.

749
00:30:32,221 --> 00:30:35,921
I was in Scotland, so I couldn't
even see my regular doctor.

750
00:30:35,921 --> 00:30:37,531
Don't get me wrong.

751
00:30:37,531 --> 00:30:40,142
I love Scotland, but
my doctor's in America.

752
00:30:40,142 --> 00:30:43,015
[audience laughing]

753
00:30:43,015 --> 00:30:45,452
[audience continues laughing]

754
00:30:45,452 --> 00:30:47,846
I apologize if I've offended
any Scottish doctors

755
00:30:47,846 --> 00:30:50,196
who are here this evening.

756
00:30:50,196 --> 00:30:51,762
I know there's no
Scottish doctors here.

757
00:30:51,762 --> 00:30:55,636
Nobody's smoking.
[audience laughing]

758
00:30:58,204 --> 00:31:00,554
I was in Scotland. I
don't have a doctor there.

759
00:31:00,554 --> 00:31:02,382
I started phoning around
trying to find a doctor.

760
00:31:02,382 --> 00:31:04,340
I was phoning different
offices. Couldn't get anyone.

761
00:31:04,340 --> 00:31:06,560
Eventually I talked to
a woman on the phone

762
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:08,910
and she said she was a
doctor's receptionist.

763
00:31:08,910 --> 00:31:10,433
But looking back on it now,

764
00:31:10,433 --> 00:31:12,174
I realize she's
probably a witch.

765
00:31:12,174 --> 00:31:14,220
[audience laughing]

766
00:31:14,220 --> 00:31:16,439
"You shall not
talk to the doctor

767
00:31:16,439 --> 00:31:18,833
until you answer
my questions three.

768
00:31:18,833 --> 00:31:21,880
[audience laughing]

769
00:31:23,142 --> 00:31:24,752
Did you wash your groceries?

770
00:31:24,752 --> 00:31:25,927
Did you stuff toilet
paper in your ass?"

771
00:31:25,927 --> 00:31:27,059
It was all of that.

772
00:31:28,625 --> 00:31:30,540
She kept questioning.

773
00:31:30,540 --> 00:31:31,890
Eventually I said, "Look, look.
You've gotta listen to me.

774
00:31:31,890 --> 00:31:33,021
I'm in bad shape here."

775
00:31:33,021 --> 00:31:34,631
I said this, this is true.

776
00:31:34,631 --> 00:31:36,024
I said, "Look, it's
not just the Covid.

777
00:31:36,024 --> 00:31:38,331
I've also got very
inflamed penis."

778
00:31:39,593 --> 00:31:41,508
And I swear this
is what she said.

779
00:31:41,508 --> 00:31:43,031
She went, "Any more of that
talk and I'm hanging up."

780
00:31:43,031 --> 00:31:46,165
[audience laughing]

781
00:31:52,388 --> 00:31:54,651
But yeah, I managed to
persuade her I was sick.

782
00:31:54,651 --> 00:31:57,480
So she says, "Alright, you
sound like you're quite sick.

783
00:31:57,480 --> 00:31:59,700
The doctor will see you
first thing Monday morning."

784
00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:00,875
This was Friday night.

785
00:32:00,875 --> 00:32:02,224
I said, "It's Friday night.

786
00:32:02,224 --> 00:32:04,183
I could be dead by
Monday morning!"

787
00:32:04,183 --> 00:32:05,532
She said, "Well, you should
have washed your groceries,"

788
00:32:05,532 --> 00:32:06,446
and hung up.

789
00:32:08,056 --> 00:32:10,015
So the whole weekend I was
in this flat in Glasgow,

790
00:32:10,015 --> 00:32:11,886
in his apartment in Glasgow
and I was sweating and dying.

791
00:32:11,886 --> 00:32:13,801
I was like, "Oh my God."

792
00:32:13,801 --> 00:32:15,716
And about four o'clock in
the morning on the Saturday,

793
00:32:15,716 --> 00:32:18,371
I swear this is true, I was
standing in the bathroom naked,

794
00:32:18,371 --> 00:32:21,200
naked with my penis in
a glass of cold water.

795
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:23,463
And my penis was
very distressed.

796
00:32:23,463 --> 00:32:24,855
He was like [imitates
penis screaming].

797
00:32:26,553 --> 00:32:28,816
I was like, "Quiet, Snorky.
It's all right, boy."

798
00:32:28,816 --> 00:32:32,515
[audience laughing]

799
00:32:32,515 --> 00:32:33,952
That's right. Snorky.

800
00:32:33,952 --> 00:32:36,693
[all laughing]

801
00:32:39,087 --> 00:32:41,611
I said, "Quiet, Snorky,
quiet. It's alright, boy."

802
00:32:41,611 --> 00:32:43,309
I was really bad,
but here's the thing.

803
00:32:43,309 --> 00:32:45,050
I swear this is true.

804
00:32:45,050 --> 00:32:47,313
I was sweating, I was like
delirious with a fever.

805
00:32:47,313 --> 00:32:49,228
The fever wouldn't go away

806
00:32:49,228 --> 00:32:50,969
and I was standing with my
penis in a glass of cold water,

807
00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:53,101
and I started to kind of
hallucinate in this odd way.

808
00:32:53,101 --> 00:32:54,711
And I heard a voice.

809
00:32:54,711 --> 00:32:56,278
Well, it wasn't really a
voice, it was my voice.

810
00:32:56,278 --> 00:32:57,845
And it said a thing
and I went, "Wow,

811
00:32:57,845 --> 00:32:59,542
you're a very sick
man, Craig Ferguson."

812
00:32:59,542 --> 00:33:01,544
'Cause it came outta
my head, this voice,

813
00:33:01,544 --> 00:33:02,981
and I swear this
is what it said.

814
00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:05,984
It went, "If I
live through this,

815
00:33:05,984 --> 00:33:07,550
I'm gonna put it in the act."

816
00:33:07,550 --> 00:33:10,771
[audience laughing]

817
00:33:10,771 --> 00:33:14,122
[audience cheering]

818
00:33:14,122 --> 00:33:17,430
[audience applauding]

819
00:33:20,607 --> 00:33:22,870
Turning adversary into gold.

820
00:33:22,870 --> 00:33:24,828
[audience laughing]

821
00:33:24,828 --> 00:33:27,266
So I went to see the doctor
first thing Monday morning.

822
00:33:27,266 --> 00:33:29,050
And it was a bit tricky

823
00:33:29,050 --> 00:33:31,618
because the doctor was a
Scottish Protestant lady doctor,

824
00:33:31,618 --> 00:33:33,489
and I'm a Scottish
Protestant man patient

825
00:33:33,489 --> 00:33:35,448
so things are a
little tense anyway.

826
00:33:35,448 --> 00:33:38,451
And she said, you know, "I
talked to her about the Covid

827
00:33:38,451 --> 00:33:39,408
and I said, "I've got Covid."

828
00:33:39,408 --> 00:33:41,367
She went, "Okay."

829
00:33:41,367 --> 00:33:42,498
And then she could tell there
was something else wrong.

830
00:33:42,498 --> 00:33:44,109
And she said, "What is it?"

831
00:33:44,109 --> 00:33:46,850
I said, "It's my penis, doctor."

832
00:33:46,850 --> 00:33:48,461
[audience laughing]
And I swear she did this.

833
00:33:48,461 --> 00:33:53,074
She went, "Oh great."
[audience laughing]

834
00:33:55,076 --> 00:33:56,686
She went, "All right, we
better have a look at it."

835
00:33:56,686 --> 00:33:58,210
So I got up the table,
I took down my pants

836
00:33:58,210 --> 00:33:59,820
and I swear she did this.

837
00:33:59,820 --> 00:34:02,431
She went, "Oh, that
is very unpleasant.

838
00:34:02,431 --> 00:34:05,478
[audience laughing]

839
00:34:09,612 --> 00:34:11,788
10 points off Slytherin."

840
00:34:11,788 --> 00:34:14,878
[audience laughing]

841
00:34:18,404 --> 00:34:21,668
She got a little
tongue-depressor thing and she moved it.

842
00:34:22,669 --> 00:34:24,279
She moved it and she went,

843
00:34:24,279 --> 00:34:27,195
"Oh, it looks like a
snail with leprosy.

844
00:34:27,195 --> 00:34:30,242
[audience laughing]

845
00:34:35,203 --> 00:34:36,770
I said, "Am I gonna die?"

846
00:34:36,770 --> 00:34:38,032
She said, "No,
you're not gonna die.

847
00:34:38,032 --> 00:34:39,990
It's a UTI, you big baby.

848
00:34:39,990 --> 00:34:42,950
I'll give you some antibiotics
and it'll clear right up."

849
00:34:42,950 --> 00:34:44,995
I said, "What about the Covid?
Am I gonna die from that?"

850
00:34:44,995 --> 00:34:46,606
She said, "I don't know."

851
00:34:46,606 --> 00:34:50,349
[audience laughing]

852
00:34:50,349 --> 00:34:52,264
But obviously I was fine.

853
00:34:52,264 --> 00:34:53,482
I'm sorry to the young people

854
00:34:53,482 --> 00:34:54,701
for talking about my illnesses.

855
00:34:54,701 --> 00:34:55,789
Sorry everybody.

856
00:34:56,790 --> 00:34:58,139
But I've reached that age.

857
00:34:59,619 --> 00:35:01,403
When I was young, my
stories were great.

858
00:35:01,403 --> 00:35:03,101
It was like, "Yeah, we
took some Patagonian acid,

859
00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:05,190
we stole the space shuttle
and drove it to Hooters.

860
00:35:05,190 --> 00:35:10,151
Ah-ha-ha!"
[audience laughing]

861
00:35:11,674 --> 00:35:13,459
Now my story is just,
"Well, it turns out

862
00:35:13,459 --> 00:35:15,852
I had an infection
and my pee-pee hole.

863
00:35:15,852 --> 00:35:18,986
[audience laughing]

864
00:35:22,946 --> 00:35:25,035
Looked like a snail
with leprosy."

865
00:35:25,035 --> 00:35:28,648
[audience laughing]

866
00:35:28,648 --> 00:35:32,478
[audience continues laughing]

867
00:35:37,744 --> 00:35:39,354
Nobody tells you that
about getting older either.

868
00:35:39,354 --> 00:35:40,921
Your mouth just falls
open all the time.

869
00:35:40,921 --> 00:35:42,749
You don't even know.

870
00:35:42,749 --> 00:35:45,621
I caught myself at a
stoplight the other day, just.

871
00:35:45,621 --> 00:35:48,668
[audience laughing]

872
00:35:50,583 --> 00:35:52,585
Anyway, sorry about
talking about my illnesses.

873
00:35:52,585 --> 00:35:53,629
I won't do it again.

874
00:35:55,327 --> 00:35:57,590
The second time I got Covid...
[audience laughing]

875
00:35:57,590 --> 00:35:59,287
The second time I got covid,

876
00:35:59,287 --> 00:36:01,898
the bonus feature was
very strange indeed.

877
00:36:01,898 --> 00:36:03,857
It wasn't anything to do with
my pee pee, thank goodness.

878
00:36:03,857 --> 00:36:06,903
It was, I got something
as my bonus feature.

879
00:36:06,903 --> 00:36:08,601
Something called,

880
00:36:08,601 --> 00:36:09,732
and maybe medical
professionals may know it,

881
00:36:09,732 --> 00:36:11,473
a chalazion.

882
00:36:11,473 --> 00:36:12,996
Do you know what that is?

883
00:36:12,996 --> 00:36:14,737
No. I didn't know either.

884
00:36:14,737 --> 00:36:16,826
I thought it sounded adorable.

885
00:36:16,826 --> 00:36:18,263
[audience laughing]

886
00:36:18,263 --> 00:36:20,613
A chalazion? Well,
that's lovely.

887
00:36:20,613 --> 00:36:24,051
It sounds like a leprechaun's
walking stick or something.

888
00:36:25,922 --> 00:36:30,405
"Ah, touch me chalazion and
I'll give yous a pot o' gold.

889
00:36:31,711 --> 00:36:32,581
This is how leprechaun's
walk apparently.

890
00:36:34,279 --> 00:36:36,194
"I'm sorry for walking
like this. I've got a UTI."

891
00:36:36,194 --> 00:36:39,327
[audience laughing]

892
00:36:40,415 --> 00:36:42,156
Anyway, a chalazion

893
00:36:42,156 --> 00:36:44,811
is a horrible, very
unpleasant eye infection.

894
00:36:44,811 --> 00:36:47,988
And it looks like a stye
but it's not a stye.

895
00:36:47,988 --> 00:36:49,598
It's very different.

896
00:36:49,598 --> 00:36:51,209
And I was like, oh, and
I was in Scotland again

897
00:36:51,209 --> 00:36:53,559
when I got covid again.

898
00:36:53,559 --> 00:36:55,778
[audience laughing]

899
00:36:55,778 --> 00:36:57,389
Just saying.

900
00:36:57,389 --> 00:36:59,217
And I had to go and
see the same doctor

901
00:36:59,217 --> 00:37:01,654
that had looked at my pee
pee at the previous thing.

902
00:37:01,654 --> 00:37:03,264
And I went in and she looked
at my eye and she went...

903
00:37:03,264 --> 00:37:05,048
It was bad. It was all swollen.

904
00:37:05,048 --> 00:37:07,486
She went, "Oh, what's that?"

905
00:37:07,486 --> 00:37:11,359
[audience laughing]
I went, "I don't know,

906
00:37:12,404 --> 00:37:16,495
hence my visit to you, doctor."

907
00:37:16,495 --> 00:37:18,975
She went, "It
looks like a stye."

908
00:37:18,975 --> 00:37:21,064
I went, "Yeah, I thought
it might be that."

909
00:37:21,064 --> 00:37:22,936
She went, "Hmm, okay.

910
00:37:22,936 --> 00:37:24,633
I better have another look
at your penis just in case."

911
00:37:24,633 --> 00:37:27,549
[audience laughing]

912
00:37:27,549 --> 00:37:28,898
I said, "No, no, forget it.

913
00:37:28,898 --> 00:37:30,813
You had your chance, doctor."

914
00:37:30,813 --> 00:37:34,513
[audience laughing]

915
00:37:34,513 --> 00:37:37,255
[chuckles] That's the stupidest
thing I've said so far.

916
00:37:38,604 --> 00:37:40,823
You've had your chance?

917
00:37:40,823 --> 00:37:42,216
Alright, shut up. Anyway.

918
00:37:43,696 --> 00:37:45,654
She said, "It looks like
a stye." I went, "Okay."

919
00:37:45,654 --> 00:37:48,440
She went, "Okay, it's a bad
one though." I said, "I know."

920
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:50,659
She said, "Okay, I'll give
you a course of antibiotics.

921
00:37:50,659 --> 00:37:51,486
That'll take care of it."

922
00:37:51,486 --> 00:37:53,183
I went, "Okay."

923
00:37:53,183 --> 00:37:55,708
So I start taking this
course of antibiotics

924
00:37:55,708 --> 00:37:57,666
and I leave Scotland,
I come back to America,

925
00:37:57,666 --> 00:38:00,495
and I go to Los Angeles and
my eye's not getting better.

926
00:38:00,495 --> 00:38:02,105
It's getting worse.

927
00:38:02,105 --> 00:38:03,455
And I'm taking, it's
getting worse and worse.

928
00:38:03,455 --> 00:38:04,847
So I go and see
my American doctor

929
00:38:04,847 --> 00:38:06,284
and I walked in
and at this point,

930
00:38:06,284 --> 00:38:07,850
my eye's like a baboon's
anus on my face.

931
00:38:07,850 --> 00:38:10,113
And I walk in and he
looks at it and he goes,

932
00:38:10,113 --> 00:38:11,767
"Oh wow. What's that?"

933
00:38:11,767 --> 00:38:14,466
[audience laughing]

934
00:38:14,466 --> 00:38:16,598
I'm like, "I don't know!"

935
00:38:17,686 --> 00:38:19,166
He went, "Yeah.

936
00:38:20,646 --> 00:38:22,517
Looks like a stye."
[audience laughing]

937
00:38:22,517 --> 00:38:24,519
I went, "Yeah, I, know,
that's what we thought."

938
00:38:24,519 --> 00:38:27,957
He went, "Okay. I'm gonna give
you a course of antibiotics."

939
00:38:27,957 --> 00:38:29,611
I said, "I took
antibiotics in Scotland

940
00:38:29,611 --> 00:38:30,786
and they didn't work."

941
00:38:30,786 --> 00:38:31,874
And he went, "Mm-hmm.

942
00:38:33,398 --> 00:38:35,617
I'm gonna give you some
American antibiotics."

943
00:38:35,617 --> 00:38:38,577
[audience laughing]

944
00:38:38,577 --> 00:38:41,754
♪ American antibiotics

945
00:38:41,754 --> 00:38:45,192
♪ Will kill your
motherfucking eye ♪

946
00:38:45,192 --> 00:38:48,151
♪ American antibiotics

947
00:38:48,151 --> 00:38:51,285
♪ Will take away that stye

948
00:38:51,285 --> 00:38:53,853
♪ American antibiotics

949
00:38:53,853 --> 00:38:56,856
♪ When you are feeling rough

950
00:38:56,856 --> 00:38:59,728
♪ American antibiotics

951
00:38:59,728 --> 00:39:02,209
♪ Built Ford tough

952
00:39:02,209 --> 00:39:05,560
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

953
00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:06,866
I'm like, "Yeah.

954
00:39:06,866 --> 00:39:07,736
Hell yeah!

955
00:39:09,390 --> 00:39:12,567
Hell yeah. Gimme some of
those American antibiotics."

956
00:39:12,567 --> 00:39:14,526
He went, "Okay,"
and he ordered them

957
00:39:14,526 --> 00:39:17,093
and the American antibiotics
arrived in a monster truck.

958
00:39:17,093 --> 00:39:18,791
They came in a monster truck

959
00:39:18,791 --> 00:39:21,837
and it was being
driven by Chuck Norris.

960
00:39:21,837 --> 00:39:23,926
And Chuck Norris jumped
out of the monster truck

961
00:39:23,926 --> 00:39:25,928
and he landed in front of me.

962
00:39:25,928 --> 00:39:28,322
He opened his pants and a bald
eagle flew out of his pants

963
00:39:29,497 --> 00:39:31,107
and circled my head

964
00:39:31,107 --> 00:39:32,979
and dropped the American
antibiotics in my mouth

965
00:39:32,979 --> 00:39:34,633
and I felt them tingle

966
00:39:34,633 --> 00:39:36,939
to every one of my red,
white, and blue veins.

967
00:39:38,463 --> 00:39:42,075
And they didn't work.
[audience laughing]

968
00:39:43,685 --> 00:39:45,252
Because antibiotics don't
work on a chalazion.

969
00:39:45,252 --> 00:39:47,167
But we don't know
it's a chalazion yet.

970
00:39:47,167 --> 00:39:49,082
And I'm starting to
get really worried now.

971
00:39:49,082 --> 00:39:51,345
Like really worried and I
start going on the internet

972
00:39:51,345 --> 00:39:53,739
looking around for cures,
which is a very bad idea.

973
00:39:53,739 --> 00:39:54,609
Don't do that.

974
00:39:56,219 --> 00:39:58,483
I ended up, for some
reason, I don't know why,

975
00:39:58,483 --> 00:40:03,488
on Gwyneth Paltrow's website.
[audience laughing]

976
00:40:03,488 --> 00:40:05,664
Look, I don't want to
be disloyal, my sisters.

977
00:40:05,664 --> 00:40:07,361
You know I'm on your side,

978
00:40:07,361 --> 00:40:09,450
but I think that women
might be full of shit.

979
00:40:09,450 --> 00:40:11,974
[audience laughing]

980
00:40:11,974 --> 00:40:13,454
[audience applauding]
Maybe.

981
00:40:16,936 --> 00:40:18,372
I read a thing, I don't
know if it's still up there,

982
00:40:18,372 --> 00:40:19,895
but I read a thing on that.

983
00:40:19,895 --> 00:40:21,462
This is true.

984
00:40:21,462 --> 00:40:22,550
It's like, "Ladies,
if you're feeling

985
00:40:22,550 --> 00:40:23,943
a lot of negative emotions

986
00:40:23,943 --> 00:40:25,684
and you've got a
lot of depression

987
00:40:25,684 --> 00:40:27,686
and bad things going
on in your body,

988
00:40:27,686 --> 00:40:31,211
try putting a hen's egg
in your vagina for a while

989
00:40:31,211 --> 00:40:34,954
and it will absorb the
negative emotions."

990
00:40:34,954 --> 00:40:37,391
I'm like, are you crazy?

991
00:40:37,391 --> 00:40:38,914
[audience laughing]

992
00:40:38,914 --> 00:40:41,177
That's insane.

993
00:40:41,177 --> 00:40:43,223
That's dangerous.

994
00:40:44,137 --> 00:40:45,573
What if that hatched?

995
00:40:45,573 --> 00:40:48,707
[audience laughing]

996
00:40:54,321 --> 00:40:56,497
What if you're sitting in church

997
00:40:56,497 --> 00:40:58,107
just in the quiet
bit when you're meant to think about Jesus

998
00:40:58,107 --> 00:40:59,761
and you hear [imitates
chicken cooing].

999
00:41:04,331 --> 00:41:05,375
"Susan, what's that?"

1000
00:41:05,375 --> 00:41:06,551
"It's just gas."

1001
00:41:06,551 --> 00:41:09,684
[audience laughing]

1002
00:41:10,816 --> 00:41:12,600
Anyway, I'm freaking out.

1003
00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:14,036
I've got this eye infection.
I don't know what it is.

1004
00:41:14,036 --> 00:41:15,951
And I thought,
"Oh, you know what?

1005
00:41:15,951 --> 00:41:18,214
I had acupuncture once for
something and it really helped.

1006
00:41:18,214 --> 00:41:19,477
I can't remember.
Oh, memory loss.

1007
00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:21,304
I got it for memory loss. Oh.

1008
00:41:21,304 --> 00:41:23,959
I know acupuncture is a
legit thing, so I'll try it."

1009
00:41:23,959 --> 00:41:27,223
So I went to the
traditional-Chinese-medicine center

1010
00:41:27,223 --> 00:41:28,486
in Santa Monica, California.

1011
00:41:28,486 --> 00:41:30,400
A big place, it's very legit.

1012
00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:31,967
And I go in and I walked in
and my eye's really swollen.

1013
00:41:31,967 --> 00:41:35,101
The doctor looked at my
eye and he went, "A-ha."

1014
00:41:35,101 --> 00:41:36,711
Now, wait. No, hang on.

1015
00:41:38,147 --> 00:41:40,454
That is not me doing
a Chinese accent.

1016
00:41:40,454 --> 00:41:43,413
I understand and the rules are
correct. I agree with them.

1017
00:41:43,413 --> 00:41:46,721
You don't do accents of a race
which you don't belong to.

1018
00:41:46,721 --> 00:41:48,375
It is bullying and it's nasty

1019
00:41:48,375 --> 00:41:51,552
and it makes people feel
bad about themselves.

1020
00:41:51,552 --> 00:41:52,988
And I get it and
I subscribe to it.

1021
00:41:52,988 --> 00:41:54,903
And anyway, the
doctor wasn't Chinese.

1022
00:41:54,903 --> 00:41:56,601
He was an old white
guy from Sacramento

1023
00:41:56,601 --> 00:41:58,124
that studied at the
University of Beijing.

1024
00:41:58,124 --> 00:41:59,125
So fuck you millennials.

1025
00:41:59,125 --> 00:42:02,215
[audience laughing]

1026
00:42:02,215 --> 00:42:04,217
It's true.

1027
00:42:04,217 --> 00:42:07,699
So he looked at my eye and
he went, "Ah, eye infection."

1028
00:42:07,699 --> 00:42:09,265
I went, "Yeah,"
and he went, "Okay.

1029
00:42:09,265 --> 00:42:10,528
Take off your socks and shoes."

1030
00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:12,138
I went, "What?"

1031
00:42:12,138 --> 00:42:14,444
He went, "Take off
your socks and shoes."

1032
00:42:14,444 --> 00:42:15,663
So I went, "All right."

1033
00:42:15,663 --> 00:42:16,838
I took off my socks and shoes

1034
00:42:16,838 --> 00:42:18,753
and he got an acupuncture needle

1035
00:42:18,753 --> 00:42:20,886
and he went between my big
toe and the toe next to it,

1036
00:42:20,886 --> 00:42:23,497
which in my case is actually
bigger than my big toe.

1037
00:42:23,497 --> 00:42:26,631
[audience laughing]

1038
00:42:28,241 --> 00:42:31,200
[chuckles] I don't know
what it means, but it is.

1039
00:42:31,200 --> 00:42:32,767
I had a girlfriend
once who said,

1040
00:42:32,767 --> 00:42:34,943
"I think it's a sign
of intelligence."

1041
00:42:34,943 --> 00:42:36,728
I was like, "Not
on you, it isn't."

1042
00:42:36,728 --> 00:42:38,730
[audience laughing]

1043
00:42:38,730 --> 00:42:40,645
I didn't say that.
I didn't say that.

1044
00:42:40,645 --> 00:42:43,343
I thought it but
I didn't say it.

1045
00:42:43,343 --> 00:42:45,650
Anyway, he gets this needle

1046
00:42:45,650 --> 00:42:47,652
and he goes between my big
toe and the toe next to it.

1047
00:42:47,652 --> 00:42:50,045
And he goes, pbbt, with the
needle and my eye went, "Ah."

1048
00:42:50,045 --> 00:42:52,482
I went, "Wow," and he went,
pbbt, and my eye went, "Ow."

1049
00:42:52,482 --> 00:42:54,223
I went, "Wow, I didn't know

1050
00:42:54,223 --> 00:42:55,485
your eye and your foot
were connected like that."

1051
00:42:55,485 --> 00:42:57,487
And he said, "Oh yes.

1052
00:42:57,487 --> 00:43:00,186
Otherwise, how could you
walk to what you see?"

1053
00:43:00,186 --> 00:43:03,319
[audience laughing]

1054
00:43:07,062 --> 00:43:09,978
I thought, finally, we
are getting somewhere.

1055
00:43:09,978 --> 00:43:12,590
[all laughing]

1056
00:43:13,591 --> 00:43:15,157
So he kept doing it.

1057
00:43:15,157 --> 00:43:16,768
He's going, pbbt,
my eye's going "Ow."

1058
00:43:16,768 --> 00:43:18,334
He's going, pbbt, "Ow,"
pbbt, "Ow," pbbt, "Ow."

1059
00:43:18,334 --> 00:43:20,249
I was like, "Is this
gonna cure my eye?"

1060
00:43:20,249 --> 00:43:21,207
He said, "No, but it's cool,
isn't it? Isn't it cool?"

1061
00:43:21,207 --> 00:43:24,036
[audience laughing]

1062
00:43:25,646 --> 00:43:27,213
I said, "It is cool, but
I'm looking for something

1063
00:43:27,213 --> 00:43:29,171
that'll cure my
serious eye infection."

1064
00:43:29,171 --> 00:43:31,173
He said, "Well, look, Craig,
I'm not an expert," he said,

1065
00:43:31,173 --> 00:43:32,479
"But if I had an eye infection

1066
00:43:32,479 --> 00:43:33,872
and I didn't know what it was,

1067
00:43:33,872 --> 00:43:35,830
I'd go and see a
specialist eye doctor."

1068
00:43:35,830 --> 00:43:38,528
I was like, "You are so wise."

1069
00:43:38,528 --> 00:43:40,879
[audience laughing]

1070
00:43:40,879 --> 00:43:42,358
So I did.

1071
00:43:42,358 --> 00:43:44,665
I went to see a
specialist eye doctor

1072
00:43:44,665 --> 00:43:49,061
in Beverly Hills, California.
[audience wooing]

1073
00:43:49,061 --> 00:43:53,021
Thanks everybody.
[audience laughing]

1074
00:43:53,021 --> 00:43:54,980
Now, I walked in to
see this eye doctor

1075
00:43:54,980 --> 00:43:59,027
who she ironically was Chinese

1076
00:43:59,027 --> 00:44:02,640
with a very thick
Chinese accent.

1077
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:04,467
Now obviously I'm
not gonna do that.

1078
00:44:06,034 --> 00:44:08,297
[audience laughing]

1079
00:44:08,297 --> 00:44:10,560
I'm not.

1080
00:44:10,560 --> 00:44:13,476
So let's pretend that
the Chinese doctor had a French accent

1081
00:44:13,476 --> 00:44:16,436
because nobody gives a
fuck about you people.

1082
00:44:16,436 --> 00:44:20,005
And to be honest, even
the French are like,

1083
00:44:20,005 --> 00:44:21,702
"Sure, fine. We don't care."

1084
00:44:21,702 --> 00:44:24,836
[audience laughing]

1085
00:44:26,446 --> 00:44:29,405
We'll definitely cut
this bit out. But anyway.

1086
00:44:29,405 --> 00:44:31,756
So I walked in and I,
and she looked at my eye

1087
00:44:31,756 --> 00:44:33,192
and she went, [gasps]
[speaking foreign language].

1088
00:44:34,454 --> 00:44:36,978
[audience laughing]

1089
00:44:36,978 --> 00:44:39,415
She was leaning on a lamppost,
wearing a trench coat

1090
00:44:39,415 --> 00:44:40,852
and smoking a cigarette.

1091
00:44:42,854 --> 00:44:44,246
She said, "I'm afraid, Craig,

1092
00:44:44,246 --> 00:44:45,595
what do you have
is a chalazion."

1093
00:44:45,595 --> 00:44:46,945
I said, "Well, what is it?

1094
00:44:46,945 --> 00:44:49,382
She said, "A chalazion, Craig,

1095
00:44:49,382 --> 00:44:51,645
is an eye infection
of a particular type.

1096
00:44:51,645 --> 00:44:53,255
It is a piece of
dirt of the tritus.

1097
00:44:53,255 --> 00:44:57,520
It blocks the tear duct
and it gets infected.

1098
00:44:57,520 --> 00:44:59,784
Now normally, it becomes
a little pus ball.

1099
00:44:59,784 --> 00:45:02,961
We pop the pus ball and the
pus rolls down your cheek

1100
00:45:02,961 --> 00:45:04,876
like when the clown cries."

1101
00:45:04,876 --> 00:45:07,966
[audience laughing]

1102
00:45:11,317 --> 00:45:13,667
She said, "But your chalazion,

1103
00:45:13,667 --> 00:45:16,931
because your immune system
has been compromised

1104
00:45:16,931 --> 00:45:21,849
by the COVID-19, your
chalazion has calcified.

1105
00:45:21,849 --> 00:45:23,285
It has hardened.

1106
00:45:23,285 --> 00:45:25,331
It has become like
a little rock,

1107
00:45:25,331 --> 00:45:28,638
like a pearl inside an oyster
at the bottom of the ocean

1108
00:45:28,638 --> 00:45:30,640
where the fish make their home."

1109
00:45:30,640 --> 00:45:33,774
[audience laughing]

1110
00:45:35,558 --> 00:45:38,257
She said, "I'm afraid we're
going to have to operate."

1111
00:45:38,257 --> 00:45:40,172
So I had to have
an eye operation,

1112
00:45:40,172 --> 00:45:42,043
which I don't know if you've
ever had an eye operation,

1113
00:45:42,043 --> 00:45:43,828
but it's nowhere
near as much fun

1114
00:45:43,828 --> 00:45:46,265
as you think it's gonna be.
[audience laughing]

1115
00:45:46,265 --> 00:45:47,875
First of all,

1116
00:45:47,875 --> 00:45:49,964
I couldn't have any fun
time, sleepy time drugs

1117
00:45:49,964 --> 00:45:53,272
because I used up my quota

1118
00:45:53,272 --> 00:45:57,755
of fun time, sleepy time drugs

1119
00:45:57,755 --> 00:45:59,191
some time ago.

1120
00:46:00,888 --> 00:46:03,761
If I take sedatives, things
get a little arrest-y.

1121
00:46:04,674 --> 00:46:08,330
[audience laughing]

1122
00:46:08,330 --> 00:46:10,550
And I don't know any
doctors who will know this.

1123
00:46:10,550 --> 00:46:12,639
The eye is an extremely
difficult place

1124
00:46:12,639 --> 00:46:14,249
to get a local
anesthetic into it.

1125
00:46:14,249 --> 00:46:16,121
Just, you can try, but
it doesn't really work.

1126
00:46:16,121 --> 00:46:18,079
And so we tried, but I
could feel everything.

1127
00:46:18,079 --> 00:46:19,777
And she put a clamp in my eye

1128
00:46:19,777 --> 00:46:21,213
to hold it open
for the operation.

1129
00:46:21,213 --> 00:46:22,954
A clamp.

1130
00:46:22,954 --> 00:46:25,826
Which, it was like that
movie "Clockwork Orange."

1131
00:46:25,826 --> 00:46:27,741
You know that movie?

1132
00:46:27,741 --> 00:46:29,090
Like, you young people, if
you haven't seen that movie,

1133
00:46:29,090 --> 00:46:30,091
you should see it,
it's hilarious.

1134
00:46:30,091 --> 00:46:33,138
[audience laughing]

1135
00:46:39,144 --> 00:46:40,928
I love the idea of
a touchy millennial

1136
00:46:40,928 --> 00:46:43,278
seeing "Clockwork Orange"
for the first time.

1137
00:46:43,278 --> 00:46:44,149
"Ah!"

1138
00:46:46,629 --> 00:46:49,937
To be fair, even in the
1970s, people were like, "Ah!"

1139
00:46:51,939 --> 00:46:53,941
Even Stanley Kubrick who
made that movie was like,

1140
00:46:53,941 --> 00:46:56,074
"I'm sorry everybody. I probably
shouldn't have done that."

1141
00:46:56,074 --> 00:46:58,424
[audience laughing]

1142
00:46:58,424 --> 00:47:00,643
Anyway, she put the
clamp on my eye.

1143
00:47:00,643 --> 00:47:01,862
And she was a great doctor.

1144
00:47:01,862 --> 00:47:03,733
I mean a real genius, an artist.

1145
00:47:03,733 --> 00:47:05,866
She made a little
incision with a scalpel.

1146
00:47:05,866 --> 00:47:08,129
I felt her doing it and then
I felt the tweezers going in.

1147
00:47:08,129 --> 00:47:10,566
The little things, and she
wriggled around in there

1148
00:47:10,566 --> 00:47:11,785
and she found the little stone

1149
00:47:11,785 --> 00:47:13,743
and [pops lips] pulled it out.

1150
00:47:13,743 --> 00:47:15,528
It was amazing.

1151
00:47:15,528 --> 00:47:16,964
And she put it in a little
dish and that was it.

1152
00:47:16,964 --> 00:47:18,487
And she didn't even
gimme stitches,

1153
00:47:18,487 --> 00:47:19,837
just put a little super
glue under my eye.

1154
00:47:19,837 --> 00:47:21,534
And it went, boop, like that.

1155
00:47:21,534 --> 00:47:23,275
I went, "Ooh, that's
good. Do the other side."

1156
00:47:23,275 --> 00:47:26,408
[audience laughing]

1157
00:47:30,586 --> 00:47:33,502
[chuckles] Then I sent the
recipe to Gwyneth Paltrow.

1158
00:47:33,502 --> 00:47:36,549
[audience laughing]

1159
00:47:38,333 --> 00:47:41,032
And so the stone, the little
chalazion was in the dish

1160
00:47:41,032 --> 00:47:45,253
and I said to the
doctor, I said, "Doctor,"

1161
00:47:45,253 --> 00:47:46,689
and she said, "Wi?"

1162
00:47:46,689 --> 00:47:48,474
[audience laughing]

1163
00:47:48,474 --> 00:47:52,391
I said, "That chalazion.
Could I keep that?"

1164
00:47:52,391 --> 00:47:55,263
And she said, "Yeah,
monsieur, but of course.

1165
00:47:55,263 --> 00:47:56,612
It is your chalazion.

1166
00:47:56,612 --> 00:47:58,266
You grew it yourself

1167
00:47:58,266 --> 00:48:01,226
like the winemakers of
provence grew the grapes

1168
00:48:01,226 --> 00:48:03,228
to make the Sauvignon.

1169
00:48:03,228 --> 00:48:06,274
[audience laughing]

1170
00:48:08,755 --> 00:48:10,800
So this is true.

1171
00:48:10,800 --> 00:48:12,150
I got the chalazion, I got it
dried out, I got it varnished,

1172
00:48:12,150 --> 00:48:13,847
I got it mounted,
put into a ring

1173
00:48:13,847 --> 00:48:15,457
and I gave it to my
wife for her birthday.

1174
00:48:15,457 --> 00:48:17,372
[audience laughing]

1175
00:48:17,372 --> 00:48:18,983
[laughing] Yeah!

1176
00:48:20,636 --> 00:48:22,856
And she said, "Wow, that's
unusual. What's that?"

1177
00:48:22,856 --> 00:48:24,684
I said, "It's a chalazion."

1178
00:48:24,684 --> 00:48:27,121
[audience laughing]

1179
00:48:27,121 --> 00:48:28,470
She says, "What's a chalazion?

1180
00:48:28,470 --> 00:48:30,646
I said, "It's an Irish pearl."

1181
00:48:30,646 --> 00:48:34,389
[audience laughing]

1182
00:48:34,389 --> 00:48:37,001
She said, "Is it very
expensive?" I went, "Oh, yes,

1183
00:48:37,001 --> 00:48:38,959
I'll have to do two
shows in Minneapolis

1184
00:48:38,959 --> 00:48:43,355
to pay for this fucker."
[audience laughing]

1185
00:48:43,355 --> 00:48:46,662
[audience applauding]

1186
00:48:49,056 --> 00:48:50,014
And here we are.

1187
00:48:51,450 --> 00:48:53,669
I'll tell you why I bring it up.

1188
00:48:53,669 --> 00:48:56,281
I mean, my wife, we've
been married for 15 years

1189
00:48:56,281 --> 00:48:59,762
and we were in
lockdown together.

1190
00:48:59,762 --> 00:49:02,156
Now, we were in Scotland
during the lockdown,

1191
00:49:02,156 --> 00:49:03,766
which is not like
American lockdown.

1192
00:49:03,766 --> 00:49:05,464
In America, what did you
guys do for lockdown?

1193
00:49:05,464 --> 00:49:07,292
You closed a Piggly Wiggly
for a day or something?

1194
00:49:07,292 --> 00:49:09,207
[audience laughing]

1195
00:49:09,207 --> 00:49:10,860
It's like, that's
not a lockdown.

1196
00:49:10,860 --> 00:49:12,471
Lockdown in Scotland,
we were in Scotland.

1197
00:49:12,471 --> 00:49:13,951
They locked it down
for about two months.

1198
00:49:13,951 --> 00:49:15,561
You had to stay in your house.

1199
00:49:15,561 --> 00:49:16,910
You went out your house,
somebody'll be like,

1200
00:49:16,910 --> 00:49:18,564
"Get back in your hoose.

1201
00:49:18,564 --> 00:49:21,349
[audience laughing]

1202
00:49:21,349 --> 00:49:25,310
Get back in your hoose,
ya filthy Covid monkey.

1203
00:49:26,746 --> 00:49:27,965
And get some toilet
paper in your ass

1204
00:49:27,965 --> 00:49:29,531
before you kill us all!"

1205
00:49:29,531 --> 00:49:32,578
[audience laughing]

1206
00:49:35,015 --> 00:49:39,237
Anyway, the thing was, we were
locked together in the house

1207
00:49:39,237 --> 00:49:41,239
for two months together.

1208
00:49:41,239 --> 00:49:42,805
And normally, you know, I'm
out working, I'm doing stuff,

1209
00:49:42,805 --> 00:49:44,590
I'm going around.

1210
00:49:44,590 --> 00:49:46,592
And we were locked together,
a lot more time together

1211
00:49:46,592 --> 00:49:48,333
than we were used to
spending together.

1212
00:49:48,333 --> 00:49:53,164
And I had no idea how much
I irritated this woman.

1213
00:49:53,164 --> 00:49:56,210
[audience laughing]

1214
00:49:59,300 --> 00:50:02,260
Like, wow. I am a dick!

1215
00:50:05,524 --> 00:50:08,483
And I started to,
just to amuse myself,

1216
00:50:08,483 --> 00:50:11,704
in no way judgmentally,
I started to observe her

1217
00:50:13,271 --> 00:50:16,491
and see how irritated
she was getting by me,

1218
00:50:18,319 --> 00:50:21,453
using a system based on the
flightless bird of New Zealand,

1219
00:50:21,453 --> 00:50:22,671
the emu.

1220
00:50:22,671 --> 00:50:24,543
Do you know the emu or e-myoo?

1221
00:50:24,543 --> 00:50:27,589
The emu is a bird in New
Zealand. Very angry bird.

1222
00:50:27,589 --> 00:50:28,982
Not like an Angry
Bird on your phone.

1223
00:50:28,982 --> 00:50:31,463
Not like a ho-ho-ho Angry Bird.

1224
00:50:31,463 --> 00:50:33,334
Like a very angry bird.

1225
00:50:33,334 --> 00:50:37,773
Like about 100,000 people
a year are killed by emus.

1226
00:50:38,644 --> 00:50:40,950
[audience laughing]

1227
00:50:43,344 --> 00:50:44,780
I believe that to be true.

1228
00:50:44,780 --> 00:50:47,087
[audience laughing]

1229
00:50:47,087 --> 00:50:49,611
Anyway. [chuckles]

1230
00:50:49,611 --> 00:50:52,832
What it is, is if I'm
irritating my wife,

1231
00:50:52,832 --> 00:50:55,052
what happens is, I can
tell I'm irritating her

1232
00:50:55,052 --> 00:50:58,229
'cause her hand starts to
take the form of an emu.

1233
00:50:58,229 --> 00:51:00,970
[audience laughing]

1234
00:51:00,970 --> 00:51:03,321
And it comes up and
it whispers to her.

1235
00:51:03,321 --> 00:51:06,367
[audience laughing]

1236
00:51:07,542 --> 00:51:09,153
And then it looks at me.

1237
00:51:10,676 --> 00:51:11,894
and she talks to me.

1238
00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:14,680
Tells me where I'm going wrong.

1239
00:51:14,680 --> 00:51:16,769
And I can take that.
It's not that dangerous.

1240
00:51:16,769 --> 00:51:18,684
But when another emu comes up,

1241
00:51:18,684 --> 00:51:20,425
[audience laughing]

1242
00:51:20,425 --> 00:51:22,470
now you get two emus.

1243
00:51:22,470 --> 00:51:25,299
And if the emus start
talking to each other,

1244
00:51:25,299 --> 00:51:26,822
you know you're in trouble

1245
00:51:26,822 --> 00:51:28,563
'cause that's when
you're gonna get,

1246
00:51:28,563 --> 00:51:30,783
"That's not how you get a
UTI, you fucking idiot!"

1247
00:51:30,783 --> 00:51:34,178
[audience laughing]

1248
00:51:34,178 --> 00:51:37,485
[audience applauding]

1249
00:51:42,142 --> 00:51:43,709
Anyway, this is
her favorite joke.

1250
00:51:43,709 --> 00:51:45,711
[audience laughing]

1251
00:51:45,711 --> 00:51:47,669
Now, I didn't write this
joke. It's not my joke.

1252
00:51:47,669 --> 00:51:50,542
I take no responsibility
for this joke.

1253
00:51:50,542 --> 00:51:52,892
I mean, she doesn't laugh at
things I say. We're married.

1254
00:51:52,892 --> 00:51:55,938
[audience laughing]

1255
00:51:56,939 --> 00:51:58,376
So... [chuckles]

1256
00:51:58,376 --> 00:51:59,812
But she loves this joke,

1257
00:51:59,812 --> 00:52:01,205
and even though it's
a Scottish joke,

1258
00:52:01,205 --> 00:52:03,076
and she's an American.

1259
00:52:03,076 --> 00:52:05,644
Well, I'm an American
too, but she's from here.

1260
00:52:06,949 --> 00:52:11,128
Right here.
[audience laughing]

1261
00:52:11,128 --> 00:52:15,219
Here, like, two blocks away.
[audience laughing]

1262
00:52:16,916 --> 00:52:18,483
She's from New England.

1263
00:52:18,483 --> 00:52:20,311
Which if you don't
know in New England,

1264
00:52:20,311 --> 00:52:21,442
it's just like Old England
except people have teeth.

1265
00:52:21,442 --> 00:52:24,532
[audience laughing]

1266
00:52:28,449 --> 00:52:30,756
"Oh, you are from
New England. Yes.

1267
00:52:30,756 --> 00:52:34,107
I can tell because of your
magical white mouth stones."

1268
00:52:34,107 --> 00:52:36,414
[audience laughing]

1269
00:52:36,414 --> 00:52:38,285
[woman cackling]

1270
00:52:38,285 --> 00:52:41,158
[audience laughing]

1271
00:52:41,158 --> 00:52:43,682
It's a favorite with
Griselda in the balcony.

1272
00:52:43,682 --> 00:52:46,728
[audience laughing]

1273
00:52:49,340 --> 00:52:51,211
Anyway, look, this
is her favorite joke.

1274
00:52:51,211 --> 00:52:53,170
Alright, here's the
joke. Very simple joke.

1275
00:52:53,170 --> 00:52:54,693
Setup, punchline, we're done.

1276
00:52:55,998 --> 00:52:58,175
[audience laughing]
Here it is.

1277
00:52:59,828 --> 00:53:02,179
[audience laughing]
You gotta wait for the joke.

1278
00:53:03,789 --> 00:53:05,443
Can't just wheeze right away.

1279
00:53:05,443 --> 00:53:08,576
[audience laughing]

1280
00:53:11,100 --> 00:53:12,711
Here's the joke.

1281
00:53:12,711 --> 00:53:14,452
What does a Scotsman
wear under his kilt?

1282
00:53:14,452 --> 00:53:15,714
On a good day, lipstick.

1283
00:53:15,714 --> 00:53:17,150
There, there's the joke.

1284
00:53:17,150 --> 00:53:20,153
Ah, I dunno.
[audience laughing]

1285
00:53:20,153 --> 00:53:22,068
[audience applauding]
I don't know. Really?

1286
00:53:23,504 --> 00:53:27,204
[audience cheering]
Really?

1287
00:53:29,771 --> 00:53:32,644
I dunno. I don't love it.

1288
00:53:32,644 --> 00:53:35,081
To me that joke's a
little heteronormative.

1289
00:53:35,081 --> 00:53:37,039
You know what I'm saying?

1290
00:53:37,039 --> 00:53:39,694
Although it would depend
on what was under the kilt

1291
00:53:39,694 --> 00:53:44,177
and then who applied it and
what it was applied with, so...

1292
00:53:47,615 --> 00:53:49,704
All right, I think I
just fixed that joke.

1293
00:53:49,704 --> 00:53:51,184
[audience laughing]

1294
00:53:51,184 --> 00:53:52,620
What a time to be alive.

1295
00:53:54,448 --> 00:53:56,058
Goodnight everybody. Good
night, good night, good night.

1296
00:53:56,058 --> 00:54:00,933
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]