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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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["Get me Bodied (Extended Mix)" playing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[audience cheering]

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♪ Mission one, I'ma put this on ♪

6
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♪ When he see me in the dress
I'ma get me some, hey ♪

7
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♪ Mission two, gotta make that call… ♪

8
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[audience cheering]

9
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♪ Mission three
Got my three best friends ♪

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♪ Like we do it all the time
We gon' do it again, hey ♪

11
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♪ Mission four
Got the vintage Rolls ♪

12
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♪ Drop a couple hundreds
Tell him, "Leave it at the door" ♪

13
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♪ I ain't worried, doin' me tonight ♪

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♪ A little sweat ain't never hurt nobody ♪

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♪ While y'all standin' on the wall
I'm the one tonight gettin' bodied… ♪

16
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Oh, hi, Los Angeles.

17
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-[audience cheering]
-[laughing]

18
00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:48,882
Thank you so much for coming tonight.

19
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:53,720
It's been a very interesting
past two years.

20
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I got divorced in 2022.

21
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[audience cheering]

22
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Oh, my God, thank you so much.

23
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It didn't feel like that at the time.

24
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[audience laughing]

25
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And I didn't expect the news of my divorce

26
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to be so widespread and public,

27
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and I felt really embarrassed and ashamed.

28
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But I didn't realize
that all of these media outlets

29
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were acting like a Bat-Signal,

30
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letting all potentially
interested men know…

31
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[audience laughing]

32
00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:32,926
…that I was suddenly available.

33
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And I've never been pursued this much
in my life.

34
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[audience cheering]

35
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Oh, my God.

36
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It's very, very exciting
and quite shocking,

37
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because boys,
they never liked me growing up.

38
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In the '90s, in high school,

39
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guys, they weren't into
charismatic A cups.

40
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[audience laughing]

41
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But things have changed,

42
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and now there's all these men after

43
00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:07,085
my divorced-mom energy.

44
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[audience cheering]

45
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Yes.

46
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A divorced mom is very special
because she doesn't want commitment.

47
00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:17,178
[audience laughing]

48
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She doesn't wanna have your kids.

49
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A divorced mom

50
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just wants to get dicked down.

51
00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:28,606
[audience laughing, cheering]

52
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[men whooping]

53
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I don't care
how many brain cells you have.

54
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I don't care if you pronounce
hors d'oeuvres "whores devours."

55
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-I don't care.
-[audience laughing]

56
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No me importa.

57
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I don't care, as long as you have
a huge boner for me all the time.

58
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I need you to have a huge boner
that's gonna poke my brain.

59
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I need you to smash
my frontal cortex over and over

60
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and just tenderize
all of my fear and paranoia

61
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about AI technology. Just…

62
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Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam!

63
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[audience cheering]

64
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I'm not trying to trap a man anymore.

65
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Mm-mm.

66
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I'm trying to catch a concussion.

67
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[audience laughing]

68
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Yes.

69
00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:26,414
I'm trying to drink cranberry juice
on the regular, okay?

70
00:03:26,497 --> 00:03:27,916
[audience laughing]

71
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That's right.

72
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When I introduce myself to new men,
I'm trying to say hello like this,

73
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"Hey. How you doing? Come here."

74
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"I wanna talk to you.
I got a question for you."

75
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"Have you had a vasectomy?"

76
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[audience laughing]

77
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[chuckles softly]

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Uh, I really went on a tear
when I first got divorced.

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You missed it. I was on sale.

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-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

81
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I'd been married for ten years,

82
00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:03,618
so I had that, like,
"just got out of prison" energy, you know?

83
00:04:04,619 --> 00:04:07,830
And my standards were strategically low.

84
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Like the less hair on the head,
the more hair on the body, the better.

85
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[audience laughs]

86
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I was hunting for a dude that was shaped
like a straight-up squash.

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[audience laughing]

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[man] I'm here!

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'Cause you know what kind of energy
that dude's bringing to the bedroom?

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Gratitude.

91
00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:28,977
[audience laughing]

92
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He will eat your pussy long, long time.

93
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[audience laughing]

94
00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:41,948
And you will be free of that guilt,

95
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that concern
that you're taking too long to finish.

96
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Instead, you're like,

97
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"Yeah, you stay down there,
you lucky mediocre man, you."

98
00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:52,333
[audience laughing]

99
00:04:58,589 --> 00:05:02,760
I do have some standards
when it comes to getting dicked down,

100
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,556
like you gotta pay for the first date.

101
00:05:07,056 --> 00:05:10,852
Yeah, come on, man.
You gotta pay for the first date.

102
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I know that sounds crazy,

103
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because I'm a millionaire.

104
00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:17,442
[audience laughing]

105
00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:20,445
-[audience cheering]
-Oh. [chuckles]

106
00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:25,033
I am.

107
00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:28,870
Don't let this Midsummer outfit
fool you now, okay?

108
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I'm a millionaire, straight up.

109
00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:34,751
But you still gotta pay
for the first date,

110
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,420
because you gotta show me
that you understand

111
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basic investment strategy.

112
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[audience laughing]

113
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The money will come back to you, okay?

114
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Trust and believe.

115
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If you have faith in your product,

116
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and it performs well on the market
and stays up…

117
00:05:57,690 --> 00:06:02,445
the cost of those tapas
and that cacio e pepe

118
00:06:03,946 --> 00:06:05,740
will seem like nothing

119
00:06:05,823 --> 00:06:10,244
when I get you a two-bedroom condo
in Reseda, okay?

120
00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:11,662
[audience laughing]

121
00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,749
Yeah, Los Angeles proper,
that's too expensive.

122
00:06:14,832 --> 00:06:15,958
But Reseda…

123
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:17,460
[audience laughing]

124
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I'll get you stainless steel appliances,

125
00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:25,468
side-by-side two-car parking.

126
00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:27,970
I'll get you a TOTO toilet.

127
00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:29,847
Ooh, you know what a TOTO toilet is?

128
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:31,224
-[audience cheering]
-Yeah.

129
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:37,980
A TOTO toilet
is this magical Japanese toilet.

130
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:40,608
The seat is always warm,

131
00:06:40,691 --> 00:06:42,276
and then when you sit on it,

132
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Hello Kitty and Godzilla emerge
and go like this…

133
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:47,949
[babbling]

134
00:06:48,032 --> 00:06:49,951
…to your butthole, okay?

135
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:51,577
[audience laughing]

136
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:58,584
You know how expensive that is
to get Hello Kitty and Godzilla

137
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:02,630
to link arms and double-team your taint
after you take a shit?

138
00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:04,298
[audience laughing]

139
00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:10,972
Hello Kitty doesn't even have a mouth.

140
00:07:11,055 --> 00:07:13,391
[audience laughing]

141
00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:16,519
But I can make
the impossible possible, you know?

142
00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:18,563
[audience laughing]

143
00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:23,317
Listen, if I get you
that two-bedroom condo in Reseda,

144
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:27,697
you better be
at that two-bedroom condo in Reseda,

145
00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:30,199
available to dick me down

146
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when I am finished performing
at the Wiltern in my nightgown, okay?

147
00:07:34,912 --> 00:07:36,706
-[audience cheering]
-Yes.

148
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You better be there,

149
00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:46,883
because you cannot be both poor and busy.

150
00:07:47,383 --> 00:07:49,385
[audience laughing]

151
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That is an unacceptable combination.

152
00:07:57,935 --> 00:08:00,730
Why don't we just add ugly
and anger management issues

153
00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:01,898
while we're at it?

154
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:03,316
[audience laughing]

155
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:09,155
And I better not catch you
subletting that second bedroom.

156
00:08:09,238 --> 00:08:10,656
[audience laughing]

157
00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:16,871
In 2022, I joined a dating app.
I really did.

158
00:08:16,954 --> 00:08:23,085
And I paid $250 up front
for the entire year.

159
00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:28,591
Because then you save $5 a month.

160
00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:29,675
[audience laughing]

161
00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:34,305
I might be rich, but I'm still Chinese.

162
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-[woman] Yeah!
-Yes.

163
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:40,144
-[audience applauding]
-I still suffer from scarcity mindset.

164
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:43,481
I am still so devastatingly cheap.

165
00:08:43,564 --> 00:08:48,027
Like, I will drink soy milk
long past its expiration date,

166
00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:50,780
when it has transformed into tofu.

167
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:53,616
I will pour that
on my Shredded Wheat. I will.

168
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:59,330
I maintain a friendship
with a woman that I hate

169
00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:02,833
simply because she has a lemon tree.

170
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:05,044
[audience laughing hysterically]

171
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[woman] Yes!

172
00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:15,846
The day after I joined that app,
I get a phone call from this dude

173
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:19,850
who I had met at, like,
two dinner parties in the past.

174
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:23,938
And he got my number
from a mutual friend, a mutual colleague,

175
00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:26,440
and he was like, "Hey, Ali."
[chuckles softly]

176
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:30,820
"I just happened to hear the news
of your divorce today,

177
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:33,489
and I gotta tell you…

178
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,325
I'm excited."

179
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,286
[audience laughing]

180
00:09:38,369 --> 00:09:42,331
"I am, Ali, because, look,
I have had a crush on you forever,

181
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:45,209
and I actually told
my best friend years ago

182
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:47,128
that you were my dream girl."

183
00:09:47,211 --> 00:09:51,048
"And I know this sounds crazy, but, uh…

184
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,343
I want you to be my girlfriend."

185
00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:56,470
[audience exclaims softly]

186
00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:57,763
And I was like…

187
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:02,852
"I just paid $250."

188
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:04,478
[audience laughing]

189
00:10:07,648 --> 00:10:10,026
"You seem really nice, but…

190
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:13,112
I gotta get my money's worth."

191
00:10:13,195 --> 00:10:14,655
[audience laughing]

192
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:18,909
Shortly after that phone call,
I take off to Europe.

193
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:21,954
I arrive in London
and discovered that this man

194
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:26,500
had sent me a bouquet of flowers
that was this big.

195
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:28,294
And then I get to Amsterdam,

196
00:10:28,377 --> 00:10:31,922
and he sent me a bouquet of flowers
that was this big.

197
00:10:32,506 --> 00:10:34,425
And then I get to Cologne.

198
00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:37,386
He sent a flower arrangement
the size of me.

199
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:41,057
And then in my final destination,
Copenhagen,

200
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:45,519
he sent me
six giant flower arrangements. [gasps]

201
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,688
I told all my girlfriends,
and they were like,

202
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:52,818
"Oh, my God, that is so sweet.
I am so jealous."

203
00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:56,739
And then I told all my male friends,
and they were like,

204
00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:59,283
"That dude sounds like a psychopath."

205
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:01,369
[audience laughing]

206
00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:09,293
"Hey, are you okay, Ali?
Do you feel safe?"

207
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:11,170
[audience laughing]

208
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:15,216
That's how cheap and lazy men have become,

209
00:11:15,299 --> 00:11:19,053
that now, when a fellow man
commits any act of kindness,

210
00:11:19,136 --> 00:11:21,222
any romantic gesture,

211
00:11:21,305 --> 00:11:25,267
it must be a symptom
of an undiagnosed mental illness.

212
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:26,435
[audience laughing]

213
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:32,525
It is true that boys,
they never liked me growing up.

214
00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:34,694
I was always too loud.

215
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:36,779
I had a mustache.

216
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:40,741
They called me "booger girl"
because I picked my nose all the time.

217
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:43,577
So it was very cruel,
but very accurate, you know?

218
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:44,870
[audience laughing]

219
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:47,623
And now I'm 42, I'm a mother,

220
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:50,543
and something
has truly shifted in my favor.

221
00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:53,713
And I think that what happened was that…

222
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,132
Men, you know,
when you're in your twenties,

223
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:58,634
all you wanna date is a ten, right?

224
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:02,471
At that age, you don't care about
the content of a woman's character.

225
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:05,433
You don't care about her creative output.

226
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:08,936
Uh… You know, the ultimate status symbol
when you're young

227
00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:12,606
is to just date a beautiful, busty ten.

228
00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:17,820
And then when men become 40, you're like,
"I don't wanna date a ten anymore."

229
00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:18,904
[audience laughing]

230
00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:22,241
"All I want is a kind six…

231
00:12:22,324 --> 00:12:23,492
[audience cheering]

232
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:27,455
…that earns at least,
like, $15,000 a year,

233
00:12:28,497 --> 00:12:31,333
and is generally a peaceful person."

234
00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:32,835
[audience laughing]

235
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:33,961
But you're too late,

236
00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:36,547
'cause all the kind sixes
have been snatched up.

237
00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:39,216
And it's not the status symbol
it used to be.

238
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:44,013
It's not necessarily a good look
to date a ten anymore.

239
00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:46,348
Nowadays, when we're 40,

240
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:50,102
you bring some hot
unfunny dummy to dinner,

241
00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:54,356
all the women of substance at the table
are now mad at you

242
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,359
because we have to babysit this bitch.

243
00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,445
[audience laughing]

244
00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:06,952
While, you're here outsourcing
for intellectual stimulation and giggles,

245
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:10,748
we're the ones who have to listen
to her boring ass stories

246
00:13:10,831 --> 00:13:14,126
about cauliflower rice
and the power of crystals.

247
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,920
[audience laughing]

248
00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:19,089
-[audience whooping]
-Uh-uh.

249
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:23,803
You have ruined dinner for us,
and now we've all lost respect for you

250
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:26,806
because you have revealed
that you have bad taste!

251
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:28,432
[audience laughing]

252
00:13:29,016 --> 00:13:32,436
The worst part about being
a female stand-up comedian

253
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:36,857
is having to socialize
with male stand-up comedians' girlfriends.

254
00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:38,943
Oh, my God. It's so painful.

255
00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:41,111
It's worse than being sexually harassed.

256
00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:44,573
So many wasted hours of my life

257
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:47,117
having to sit next to these Instahoes.

258
00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:51,622
These Instahoes who prey on my friend
because he's so ugly.

259
00:13:51,705 --> 00:13:53,499
He's been ugly his whole life,

260
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:57,711
and no woman who looks like that
has ever looked at him.

261
00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,880
And these Instahoes, they're smart.

262
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:02,132
They know that the day is coming

263
00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:04,969
when these sunscreen companies
stop paying them

264
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:08,055
to pose in a thong
on an inflatable doughnut.

265
00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:09,932
[audience laughing]

266
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:11,767
So to look out for their future,

267
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:16,146
they sink their pussy teeth
into my friend's bald ass head

268
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:18,357
until he can't think for himself anymore,

269
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:22,194
because they know he has a potential
to go far with his podcast

270
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:23,654
and not sign a prenup.

271
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:25,739
[audience laughing]

272
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:31,412
And because I'm a kind six,
I listen to them. I listen to them!

273
00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:32,913
[audience laughing]

274
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:34,206
[exhales]

275
00:14:34,790 --> 00:14:38,669
And because I'm a decent actress,
they think I'm actually listening,

276
00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:42,756
when really, I'm just looking at them
in the eye and smiling,

277
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:47,845
but in my head I'm composing my wish list
for Amazon Prime Day.

278
00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:49,346
[audience laughing]

279
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:57,354
I have to say, it's very nice
to feel so loved and adored

280
00:14:57,438 --> 00:15:00,900
after being ignored by men for so long.

281
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:06,697
And I've received all sorts of nice gifts
from suitors in the past two years.

282
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:11,785
I've received flowers, bags, jewelry.

283
00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:14,330
My girlfriends were like, "Oh, my God."

284
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:15,956
[scoffs] "Jewelry?"

285
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:20,044
"But, Ali, how can you accept that?"

286
00:15:20,544 --> 00:15:24,089
I'm like, "Oh, it's easy.
I just accept it, you know?"

287
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:25,716
[audience laughing]

288
00:15:25,799 --> 00:15:28,886
"It's the easiest thing
I've ever done in my life."

289
00:15:29,386 --> 00:15:32,556
"What's not to accept?
It's beautiful, valuable, and free."

290
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,100
"That's a Chinese fairy tale.
I'mma take it."

291
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,310
[audience laughing]

292
00:15:36,393 --> 00:15:38,395
[audience applauding, cheering]

293
00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:45,986
I don't see how refusing 24-karat gold
is the more empowering option.

294
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:49,949
It's not like when these dudes
give you a necklace,

295
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:51,951
then make you sign a contract, being like,

296
00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:57,206
"Okay, if you accept this necklace,
then you agree to suck my dick."

297
00:15:57,289 --> 00:15:58,624
[audience laughing]

298
00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:01,502
No! You just say, "Oh, my God, Trevor."

299
00:16:01,585 --> 00:16:04,254
"This is so thoughtful of you.
This is beautiful."

300
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:06,298
"Thank you. Thank you so much."

301
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:09,802
And then you just take the necklace
and then you walk away…

302
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:10,886
[audience laughing]

303
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:15,265
Or you suck their dick.

304
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,476
It's up to you. What do you wanna do?

305
00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:18,602
[audience laughing]

306
00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:20,187
It's your choice.

307
00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:23,983
But either way, keep the necklace.

308
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:25,401
[audience laughing]

309
00:16:30,155 --> 00:16:34,410
I became so addicted to courtship,
that I developed this problem

310
00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:38,038
where I kept on breaking up with dudes
after three weeks.

311
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:42,334
After three weeks,
that's when they start to relax.

312
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,712
That's when the flowers stop coming.

313
00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:48,465
That's when they stop initiating
going down on you.

314
00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:49,591
[gasps]

315
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,719
You're fired, bro. You're fired.

316
00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:52,845
-[audience laughing]
-Mm-mm.

317
00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:56,181
I don't actually say "you're fired," okay?

318
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:59,268
What I say is, "Hey." [chuckles softly]

319
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:02,771
"I can't tell you what the past
three weeks have meant to me."

320
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:07,151
"You have given me
what I didn't even know I needed."

321
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:11,280
"And, my God, you are such a beautiful,
special human being."

322
00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:17,703
"And I just feel like it's time for me
to really focus on my work and my family."

323
00:17:17,786 --> 00:17:20,456
And blah, blah, blah! Right?

324
00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,624
[audience whooping]

325
00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:29,298
And the last dude I split with
was this big, fancy movie director,

326
00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:32,760
and he had a very movie director
response to my speech.

327
00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:33,677
He was like,

328
00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:36,263
"That feels false."

329
00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:38,557
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

330
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:41,060
"That feels false, Ali."

331
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:44,396
"Why don't you tell me
why you're really breaking up with me."

332
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:46,982
I was like, "Okay, fine."

333
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,526
"Well, you know it's because

334
00:17:50,277 --> 00:17:52,613
the last two times we hooked up,

335
00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:58,160
you didn't initiate going down on me,
and I didn't really like that."

336
00:17:58,243 --> 00:17:59,620
[audience laughing]

337
00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:03,373
And he was like, "Well… [chuckles]

338
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:07,586
…why didn't you just
communicate that to me?"

339
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:11,799
I was like, "Oh."

340
00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:15,719
"Well, because I'm divorced."

341
00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:18,097
"I don't do that anymore."

342
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:19,807
[audience laughing]

343
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:25,395
Communicate?
That's married-people shit, okay?

344
00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:26,939
I'm retired from that.

345
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:31,276
You think I got divorced from one man

346
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:34,655
to communicate obvious shit
to another man?

347
00:18:34,738 --> 00:18:37,157
[audience cheering]

348
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:42,121
[cackling]

349
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,206
Fuck that lateral step.

350
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:48,544
I'm out here for a lifestyle change, okay?

351
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:52,714
You think I went through the shame
and stigma of divorce

352
00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:57,010
to be out here in these streets,
saying shit to myself like, "Oh!"

353
00:18:57,094 --> 00:19:01,431
"Sometimes the right thing to say
is the hard thing to say"?

354
00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:02,599
[audience laughing]

355
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:10,607
You know, especially when it comes
to initiating giving head to a woman.

356
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:14,653
That's not something
that should happen upon request.

357
00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:17,823
It's steps on the initiation.

358
00:19:17,906 --> 00:19:23,453
I refuse-- I refuse in the middle
of kissing a man to say to him…

359
00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:27,124
[in deep voice] "Eat my pussy."

360
00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:28,375
[audience laughing]

361
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,589
How humiliating.

362
00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:36,425
[in deep voice] "Eat my pussy."

363
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:40,637
[in normal voice] What am I,
a villain in a Disney movie?

364
00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:43,765
[in deep voice] "Fee-fi-fo-fum."

365
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:45,851
"Eat my pussy."

366
00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:47,227
[audience laughing]

367
00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:51,190
Do I have to spell out
all the basics to you?

368
00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:53,317
[in deep voice] "Eat my pussy."

369
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,402
"Compliment my looks."

370
00:19:55,485 --> 00:19:57,487
"Wish me a happy birthday."

371
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,199
-[in normal voice] It's like…
-[audience laughing]

372
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,037
[chuckles]

373
00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:10,417
I came up with that joke

374
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:13,503
while breaking up with that director
in real time…

375
00:20:13,587 --> 00:20:15,130
[audience laughing]

376
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,591
[audience cheering]

377
00:20:17,674 --> 00:20:18,842
[laughs]

378
00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:23,513
…out loud in front of his face.

379
00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:25,265
[audience laughs]

380
00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:26,266
[chuckles]

381
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:27,851
As soon as he was like,

382
00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:31,188
[mimicking] "Why don't you just
communicate that to me?"

383
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:34,608
I was like,
"Well, what am I supposed to say?"

384
00:20:34,691 --> 00:20:36,652
[in deep voice] "Eat my pussy?" [laughs]

385
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:37,986
[audience laughing]

386
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:43,533
And then I started marching around

387
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:46,995
all the pretentious ass sculptures
in his living room.

388
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:49,790
I was like, "Fee-fi-fo-fum."

389
00:20:50,374 --> 00:20:53,043
"Lick my taint,
or I'll blow your house down."

390
00:20:53,126 --> 00:20:55,128
[audience laughing]

391
00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:03,679
My God, and I was laughing so hard
at how hilarious I was being.

392
00:21:05,305 --> 00:21:08,809
And I was so excited
that I had just come up with this joke

393
00:21:08,892 --> 00:21:11,687
that I could make money off of later.
I was like, "Ooh!"

394
00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:15,649
We turned that into lemonade
real fast, you know?

395
00:21:15,732 --> 00:21:17,609
[audience laughing]

396
00:21:17,693 --> 00:21:20,279
-[laughing]
-[audience cheering, applauding]

397
00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:21,238
Yeah.

398
00:21:24,157 --> 00:21:28,662
And I was so busy having fun with myself,
I wasn't paying any attention to him.

399
00:21:29,663 --> 00:21:31,748
And then I finally looked up,
and he was like,

400
00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:33,667
"That's not funny, Ali."

401
00:21:33,750 --> 00:21:35,335
[audience laughs]

402
00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:39,756
"Come on, that's really rude.
You know, that's not funny at all."

403
00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:45,470
"Uh… All right, I guess
you don't know this, but, Ali,

404
00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:48,890
no one has ever broken up with me before."

405
00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:52,185
"And, you know,
there's a reason for that."

406
00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:54,896
"So I hope you know that if you do this,

407
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:58,692
you're gonna regret it
for the rest of your life."

408
00:21:58,775 --> 00:21:59,818
"Because, Ali,

409
00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:04,156
you're never gonna find somebody like me."

410
00:22:04,239 --> 00:22:08,410
I was like, "Yeah, that's what I'm hoping.
That's the whole point of breaking up."

411
00:22:08,493 --> 00:22:11,496
"I don't wanna be with you
or anybody like you again."

412
00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:15,792
"You don't initiate giving head,
and you didn't laugh at 'fee-fi-fo-fum.'"

413
00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:17,419
That's two red flags.

414
00:22:17,502 --> 00:22:18,962
[audience laughing]

415
00:22:19,046 --> 00:22:20,797
[audience cheering]

416
00:22:24,718 --> 00:22:27,387
And then he says to me,
"All right, you know what, Ali?"

417
00:22:27,888 --> 00:22:30,599
"I'm in a really bad place right now,

418
00:22:30,682 --> 00:22:36,605
and I swear to God, if you're serious,
like, if you really actually mean this,

419
00:22:37,981 --> 00:22:40,108
I might kill myself."

420
00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:41,693
[audience exclaiming softly]

421
00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:43,987
I was like, "Go for it."

422
00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:45,447
[audience laughing]

423
00:22:48,075 --> 00:22:49,993
"Either way, we're not gonna be together."

424
00:22:50,077 --> 00:22:51,912
"So same same, but different."

425
00:22:51,995 --> 00:22:53,997
[audience laughing]

426
00:22:56,958 --> 00:22:59,669
And then I said to him,
"I don't actually mean that, okay?"

427
00:22:59,753 --> 00:23:03,465
"I think you're a good person.
We're just a bad match."

428
00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:07,427
"And please save your energy
and refrain from threatening me."

429
00:23:07,511 --> 00:23:09,137
"You don't seem to understand."

430
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:12,516
"I'm a financially independent
divorced mom."

431
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:15,394
-Yeah.
-[audience cheering]

432
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:19,856
"So, I'm not looking for someone
to build a life with, okay?"

433
00:23:19,940 --> 00:23:21,525
"I'm not scared to die alone."

434
00:23:21,608 --> 00:23:23,193
[audience laughing]

435
00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:28,532
"And breaking up with you
is so easy compared to divorce."

436
00:23:28,615 --> 00:23:30,909
"We don't have property together,
we don't have kids."

437
00:23:30,992 --> 00:23:33,203
"So breaking up with you is nothing."

438
00:23:33,286 --> 00:23:35,956
"It's like putting down a burrito
when I'm full."

439
00:23:36,039 --> 00:23:37,749
"It's nada."

440
00:23:37,833 --> 00:23:39,418
[audience laughing]

441
00:23:43,213 --> 00:23:46,383
"But thank you so much again
for the necklace."

442
00:23:46,466 --> 00:23:50,053
"I love it so much."

443
00:23:50,554 --> 00:23:52,848
-"And…
-[audience cheering]

444
00:23:52,931 --> 00:23:56,226
I'm going to cherish it
for the rest of my life

445
00:23:56,309 --> 00:23:59,146
until I sell it on The RealReal, a'ight?"

446
00:24:00,981 --> 00:24:02,357
[chuckles]

447
00:24:03,191 --> 00:24:05,360
'Cause I'm telling you,
after you get divorced,

448
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:07,195
three weeks is perfect.

449
00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:10,407
After that, I don't like it
when shit gets too real,

450
00:24:10,490 --> 00:24:13,452
when these dudes
start to say things to me like,

451
00:24:13,535 --> 00:24:14,953
"You know, Ali, I just…

452
00:24:15,871 --> 00:24:20,000
I really feel like
I can be myself around you."

453
00:24:20,083 --> 00:24:22,169
I'm like, "Please don't, okay?"

454
00:24:22,669 --> 00:24:26,089
"Please just be
the best parts of yourself,

455
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:28,884
and then repress all the shitty parts."

456
00:24:29,384 --> 00:24:31,553
"Save that for your friends and family

457
00:24:31,636 --> 00:24:34,806
who are gonna be there for you
if you get diagnosed with cancer."

458
00:24:34,890 --> 00:24:37,184
"'Cause I'm not gonna be there, okay?"

459
00:24:37,976 --> 00:24:41,021
"I don't know you, man.
It's been three weeks."

460
00:24:41,104 --> 00:24:44,608
"It's still unclear to me
if you're Filipino or Cambodian."

461
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:46,735
-"I don't know you!"
-[audience laughing]

462
00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:49,529
"Know you!"

463
00:24:51,281 --> 00:24:53,909
You know, I think, women,
when you're in your twenties--

464
00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:56,077
I was like this when I was younger, okay?

465
00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:58,788
You tend to get very flattered,

466
00:24:58,872 --> 00:25:01,625
you tend to feel very special

467
00:25:01,708 --> 00:25:04,836
when a man is vulnerable with you,

468
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:08,256
when he opens up to you about his trauma.

469
00:25:14,679 --> 00:25:16,139
[fake crying] "You know, Ali…

470
00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:19,184
when I was a little boy…

471
00:25:21,144 --> 00:25:22,062
my uncle, he--"

472
00:25:22,145 --> 00:25:24,064
I'm gonna stop you right there, okay?

473
00:25:24,564 --> 00:25:28,485
"Hey! Snap out of it, man!
Snap out of it! Come on!"

474
00:25:28,568 --> 00:25:31,321
"Let's keep it positive,
let's keep it sexy."

475
00:25:33,782 --> 00:25:37,077
I'm here for orgasms and free oysters.
That's it, okay?

476
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:38,828
[audience laughing]

477
00:25:41,831 --> 00:25:44,334
But if you're a kind six like me,

478
00:25:44,417 --> 00:25:47,254
these dudes, they don't wanna
just dick you down.

479
00:25:47,337 --> 00:25:51,675
In exchange, they want you
to be their mommy-therapist.

480
00:25:52,175 --> 00:25:57,055
They call me up, and they're like,
"Ali, I am having the worst fucking day."

481
00:25:57,639 --> 00:26:00,225
I'm like, "Well then,
hang up the fucking phone."

482
00:26:00,308 --> 00:26:01,768
[audience laughing]

483
00:26:02,269 --> 00:26:04,354
"I don't know why
you think it's acceptable

484
00:26:04,437 --> 00:26:06,648
to spread that shit to my day."

485
00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:09,734
"I'm having a great time."

486
00:26:10,318 --> 00:26:12,946
"I'm in my professionally
interior decorated home

487
00:26:13,029 --> 00:26:15,240
that's loaded with TOTO toilets."

488
00:26:15,323 --> 00:26:16,575
[audience laughing]

489
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:19,035
I'm with my two daughters right now.

490
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:23,331
Oh, my God, they're so cute.
They're six and eight years old now.

491
00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:26,209
Can you believe that?
Six and eight years old?

492
00:26:26,293 --> 00:26:27,627
[audience cheering]

493
00:26:27,711 --> 00:26:30,672
They were in that striped dress
and in that leopard dress,

494
00:26:30,755 --> 00:26:33,049
now they're out and about,
six and eight years old.

495
00:26:33,133 --> 00:26:37,262
We watch RuPaul's Drag Race together
every Saturday morning.

496
00:26:37,762 --> 00:26:38,638
Yeah.

497
00:26:38,722 --> 00:26:42,017
And then, they got these real cute
Asian Amélie haircuts

498
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:44,728
that I gave to them
ever since they were two.

499
00:26:44,811 --> 00:26:48,023
I trim their hair every single day. I do.

500
00:26:48,106 --> 00:26:50,525
They're like my little bonsais, you know?

501
00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:52,819
[audience laughing]

502
00:26:58,617 --> 00:27:01,786
I really do believe that, for a woman,

503
00:27:02,537 --> 00:27:06,416
40 is the golden age…

504
00:27:06,499 --> 00:27:08,501
[audience cheering, applauding]

505
00:27:12,839 --> 00:27:14,257
…to get divorced.

506
00:27:14,341 --> 00:27:16,301
-It is perfect.
-[audience laughing]

507
00:27:20,221 --> 00:27:23,224
I'm so sorry if you bought
your wife tickets tonight

508
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:26,853
thinking that it would be a cute
anniversary or birthday gift.

509
00:27:26,936 --> 00:27:29,064
But I have to spread the good word.

510
00:27:29,147 --> 00:27:33,026
Forty is a great time to get divorced.

511
00:27:33,109 --> 00:27:36,071
The age range of who I could date is huge.

512
00:27:36,154 --> 00:27:38,156
It'll never be this huge again.

513
00:27:38,239 --> 00:27:40,742
I could go as low as 25,

514
00:27:40,825 --> 00:27:43,411
and then I could go as high as 55.

515
00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:46,873
Uh… If you're 55, I got questions for you.

516
00:27:46,956 --> 00:27:49,668
Like can you go on a brisk walk?

517
00:27:49,751 --> 00:27:51,544
[audience laughing]

518
00:27:53,338 --> 00:27:55,507
Can you lift heavy things?

519
00:27:56,549 --> 00:27:58,551
Can you digest red meat

520
00:27:58,635 --> 00:28:01,137
without getting a swollen toe
the next day?

521
00:28:01,221 --> 00:28:02,097
Can you?

522
00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:03,848
Puedes? Es posible?

523
00:28:09,145 --> 00:28:11,606
Well, if the answer is yes
to all of the above,

524
00:28:11,690 --> 00:28:12,982
then I'm open, all right?

525
00:28:13,566 --> 00:28:17,070
So I matched with this one
55-year-old on the app.

526
00:28:17,153 --> 00:28:19,739
And you could tell that he was 55.

527
00:28:19,823 --> 00:28:22,867
He had salt-and-pepper hair,
it was a lot of gray and white hair,

528
00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:27,831
but it was thick and long and lush,
and he had this beautiful beard to match.

529
00:28:27,914 --> 00:28:32,377
And he was a former pro surfer
that continued to surf every day,

530
00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:34,713
so he was tan and ripped.

531
00:28:35,422 --> 00:28:40,385
He was old, but he was sexy
in this very eye-catching way

532
00:28:40,468 --> 00:28:45,890
that reminded me of King Triton
from The Little Mermaid.

533
00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:47,517
[audience laughing]

534
00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:56,109
You remember watching that movie
as a little girl,

535
00:28:56,192 --> 00:29:02,282
and King Triton floats onto the screen,
and you were like, "Oh"? [chuckles]

536
00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:06,953
"Who is this ocean Santa Claus…

537
00:29:08,455 --> 00:29:10,498
with a six-pack and a tail?

538
00:29:10,582 --> 00:29:12,917
What's up, King Triton? How you doing?"

539
00:29:14,669 --> 00:29:17,297
"Come here, I wanna talk to you.
Got a question for you."

540
00:29:19,549 --> 00:29:22,594
"Where's Ariel's mom at? Is she dead or…?"

541
00:29:23,094 --> 00:29:26,556
"You two get divorced? You stop fucking?
You in an open situation?"

542
00:29:26,639 --> 00:29:27,640
"Where is she?"

543
00:29:31,686 --> 00:29:33,855
"All right,
I got another question for you."

544
00:29:33,938 --> 00:29:35,482
[audience laughing]

545
00:29:35,565 --> 00:29:38,276
"Where's your dick at?
You got a dick under that tail?"

546
00:29:38,359 --> 00:29:39,360
[audience laughing]

547
00:29:46,951 --> 00:29:49,078
So I meet up
with the 55-year-old in person.

548
00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:53,249
We sit down to dinner.
I take a look at him, and I was like…

549
00:29:54,125 --> 00:29:55,168
"Huh."

550
00:29:55,251 --> 00:29:56,461
[audience laughs]

551
00:29:58,379 --> 00:30:00,423
"Oh, you're not 55, are you?"

552
00:30:01,466 --> 00:30:04,260
He was like, "No, I'm 60."

553
00:30:05,261 --> 00:30:07,722
"Ali, look, I'm really sorry, okay?"

554
00:30:07,806 --> 00:30:10,600
"I should've come clean to you
about this sooner. I was just…"

555
00:30:10,683 --> 00:30:12,352
"I was so excited to meet you."

556
00:30:12,435 --> 00:30:14,145
"When I first joined the app,

557
00:30:14,229 --> 00:30:17,899
I accidentally, honestly,
entered in my birthday in wrong,

558
00:30:17,982 --> 00:30:20,360
and the app wouldn't let me
go back and change it."

559
00:30:20,443 --> 00:30:22,320
"And because that app is so exclusive,

560
00:30:22,403 --> 00:30:24,531
I didn't wanna get on the waitlist again."

561
00:30:24,614 --> 00:30:27,909
"And yes, all of those pictures
on my profile

562
00:30:27,992 --> 00:30:31,204
are admittedly from five years ago
when I first joined,

563
00:30:31,287 --> 00:30:36,209
because I've just simply been too lazy
to take and upload new ones."

564
00:30:37,126 --> 00:30:39,504
"Ali, look, I really apologize, okay?"

565
00:30:39,587 --> 00:30:43,758
"And I totally get it if you just
wanna get up and leave right now."

566
00:30:44,759 --> 00:30:47,262
I was like, "No, it's fine, you know?"

567
00:30:47,345 --> 00:30:50,932
"We're already here,
and gas is so expensive."

568
00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:52,684
[audience laughing]

569
00:30:56,729 --> 00:30:59,649
And I said to him,
"Hey, now that I'm seeing you in person,

570
00:30:59,732 --> 00:31:01,901
yes, you do look a little bit older,

571
00:31:01,985 --> 00:31:04,028
but I have to say,

572
00:31:04,112 --> 00:31:09,033
you have the most beautiful,
interesting eyes

573
00:31:09,117 --> 00:31:12,370
that I've ever seen in my life."

574
00:31:13,454 --> 00:31:15,456
And he was like, "Oh." [chuckles softly]

575
00:31:16,457 --> 00:31:18,668
"Yeah, that's 'cause I have glaucoma."

576
00:31:18,751 --> 00:31:20,753
[audience laughing]

577
00:31:34,058 --> 00:31:37,562
I was like, "You should've kept
that shit to yourself, man."

578
00:31:38,396 --> 00:31:41,065
Now when I go to the bathroom,
I have to Google,

579
00:31:41,149 --> 00:31:42,734
"What is glaucoma?"

580
00:31:42,817 --> 00:31:43,902
[audience laughing]

581
00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:48,615
It's wild, because, you know, I'm 42.

582
00:31:48,698 --> 00:31:51,075
I've never fucked
a 60-year-old man before.

583
00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:52,410
And I have to say

584
00:31:53,411 --> 00:31:54,704
that it was awesome.

585
00:31:54,787 --> 00:31:55,747
[audience laughing]

586
00:31:55,830 --> 00:31:57,165
[audience cheering]

587
00:31:57,248 --> 00:31:58,082
Yeah.

588
00:32:00,043 --> 00:32:01,544
It was, it really was.

589
00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:05,840
I would highly recommend
fucking a 60-year-old man

590
00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:08,593
if you like it when a man cums

591
00:32:08,676 --> 00:32:11,304
and he screams violently…

592
00:32:11,387 --> 00:32:13,097
[audience laughing]

593
00:32:13,181 --> 00:32:16,309
…as if you were pulling his nose
right off of his face.

594
00:32:16,392 --> 00:32:17,226
Just… [screams]

595
00:32:17,310 --> 00:32:19,520
You know, really makes you feel alive

596
00:32:19,604 --> 00:32:21,147
because he might be dead.

597
00:32:21,230 --> 00:32:23,232
[audience laughing]

598
00:32:27,445 --> 00:32:30,907
Oh, fucking a dude that's 60
is especially great

599
00:32:30,990 --> 00:32:34,035
if you're into it when a man ejaculates

600
00:32:34,118 --> 00:32:37,664
and then he physically collapses
on top of you.

601
00:32:37,747 --> 00:32:41,209
And then you feel
like you just pulled the wrong piece

602
00:32:41,292 --> 00:32:43,086
out of a Jenga tower, right?

603
00:32:43,169 --> 00:32:45,588
Like, you thought
you were gonna go down in history

604
00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:49,676
as this Asian-American pioneer
of motherhood and comedy,

605
00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:53,054
but no,
your legacy is you're a murderer now.

606
00:32:53,137 --> 00:32:55,056
That's how you'll be remembered.

607
00:32:59,686 --> 00:33:03,314
Oh, but the best part
about fucking a dude that's 60

608
00:33:03,398 --> 00:33:06,526
is that you get to hear a story…

609
00:33:06,609 --> 00:33:08,152
[audience laughing]

610
00:33:10,530 --> 00:33:12,991
…that he already told you on Tuesday…

611
00:33:13,074 --> 00:33:15,076
[audience laughing]

612
00:33:16,911 --> 00:33:19,288
…that he's gonna repeat to you on Friday,

613
00:33:20,123 --> 00:33:23,626
about a half-court shot
he once made in 1985.

614
00:33:23,710 --> 00:33:24,711
[audience laughing]

615
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:33,511
Listen, I am being sincere
when I said that it was awesome,

616
00:33:33,594 --> 00:33:34,846
because it was, okay?

617
00:33:34,929 --> 00:33:39,475
Let's not forget that this dude
is a former pro surfer.

618
00:33:39,559 --> 00:33:42,186
So he's been fucking women his whole life.
Whole life.

619
00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:44,772
He's got all kinds of tricks
up his sleeve.

620
00:33:44,856 --> 00:33:46,441
All this shit, right?

621
00:33:47,525 --> 00:33:48,484
This shit.

622
00:33:48,985 --> 00:33:51,237
Spitting on his knee. [mimics spitting]

623
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:52,780
This shit. You know?

624
00:33:54,824 --> 00:33:56,159
[chuckles]

625
00:33:56,242 --> 00:33:57,910
Then spitting on his toes.
[mimics spitting]

626
00:33:57,994 --> 00:33:59,454
I've never seen that before.

627
00:33:59,537 --> 00:34:02,707
Whoo! Like, using his leg like a tentacle.

628
00:34:02,790 --> 00:34:06,961
'Cause he's a man of the ocean, you know?
He got an octopus teacher.

629
00:34:07,045 --> 00:34:09,422
He got seahorse friends
advising him and shit.

630
00:34:09,505 --> 00:34:11,215
He is one with the mollusks.

631
00:34:11,299 --> 00:34:12,383
He's Aquaman.

632
00:34:12,467 --> 00:34:14,135
[audience laughing]

633
00:34:18,639 --> 00:34:21,601
Uh… And then he was looking at me
the entire time

634
00:34:21,684 --> 00:34:24,020
with those iridescent Night King eyes.

635
00:34:24,103 --> 00:34:25,563
[audience laughing]

636
00:34:25,646 --> 00:34:28,900
Those hologram
"winter is coming" eyes, you know?

637
00:34:31,819 --> 00:34:35,448
Made the whole experience
both majestic and terrifying.

638
00:34:38,367 --> 00:34:42,413
Had me feeling like if I failed
to cum at the same time as him,

639
00:34:42,497 --> 00:34:44,373
he was gonna put a curse on me.

640
00:34:44,874 --> 00:34:45,833
And then at midnight,

641
00:34:45,917 --> 00:34:49,587
I was gonna turn into
a little baby Minotaur with psoriasis.

642
00:34:49,670 --> 00:34:51,672
[audience laughs]

643
00:34:52,256 --> 00:34:54,467
We did climax simultaneously.

644
00:34:54,550 --> 00:34:57,095
Very rare for the first time
you fuck somebody.

645
00:34:57,178 --> 00:35:00,056
And it was amazing, it was very intense.
Bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing.

646
00:35:00,139 --> 00:35:00,973
It was great.

647
00:35:01,808 --> 00:35:04,352
Uh… But then he screamed in my ear.

648
00:35:04,435 --> 00:35:06,104
[audience laughing]

649
00:35:06,687 --> 00:35:10,024
And I swear to God, it was so loud…

650
00:35:11,943 --> 00:35:13,778
it made my vision blurry.

651
00:35:13,861 --> 00:35:15,988
[audience laughing]

652
00:35:16,072 --> 00:35:18,741
And then he just went full boneless

653
00:35:18,825 --> 00:35:23,162
and turned into a 200 lb
human flesh puppet on top of me.

654
00:35:24,038 --> 00:35:25,998
He just wouldn't move.

655
00:35:26,833 --> 00:35:30,211
And my heart sank to my stomach.
I was like, "Oh, my God, he's dead."

656
00:35:30,294 --> 00:35:32,338
[audience laughing]

657
00:35:32,421 --> 00:35:34,298
And then when he started breathing again,

658
00:35:34,382 --> 00:35:36,884
I've never felt
relief like that in my life.

659
00:35:36,968 --> 00:35:39,971
Spread to my fingertips,
my toes, and my nose.

660
00:35:40,054 --> 00:35:41,764
It was like I came twice.

661
00:35:41,848 --> 00:35:43,307
[audience laughing]

662
00:35:43,391 --> 00:35:46,102
The only sensation better than an orgasm

663
00:35:46,185 --> 00:35:49,105
is knowing you're not actually
gonna go to jail.

664
00:35:49,188 --> 00:35:51,190
[audience laughing]

665
00:35:55,987 --> 00:36:00,158
The first person to contact me
after the announcement of my divorce

666
00:36:00,241 --> 00:36:06,372
was this 25-year-old half-Vietnamese bro
from Texas, living in Chicago.

667
00:36:06,455 --> 00:36:07,832
And he was super-duper hot,

668
00:36:07,915 --> 00:36:12,503
but I was very reticent to respond to him
because he's 25 years old.

669
00:36:13,296 --> 00:36:14,922
That's young.

670
00:36:15,006 --> 00:36:17,675
That means he doesn't know
who Kato Kaelin is,

671
00:36:18,759 --> 00:36:21,679
he's never drunk Crystal Pepsi
or watched E.T.

672
00:36:21,762 --> 00:36:23,973
Like, what the fuck
are we gonna talk about, you know?

673
00:36:24,056 --> 00:36:25,683
[audience laughing]

674
00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:29,103
So I was ignoring his DMs,

675
00:36:29,187 --> 00:36:31,772
and then he sent me a thirst-trap video.

676
00:36:31,856 --> 00:36:34,066
That's way past my time, okay?

677
00:36:34,150 --> 00:36:37,653
I've never received one of those before,
so I didn't know what was happening.

678
00:36:37,737 --> 00:36:39,071
He sends me this video

679
00:36:39,155 --> 00:36:42,158
where he's in a bathroom
and the shower's running.

680
00:36:42,241 --> 00:36:44,243
I was like,
"What's going on? This kid okay?"

681
00:36:44,327 --> 00:36:46,078
"Is he depressed or something?"

682
00:36:46,162 --> 00:36:48,915
"Is he about to hurt himself?
Is this a cry for help?"

683
00:36:50,291 --> 00:36:53,169
And then he proceeded
to take off his shirt,

684
00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:56,547
and he was just jacked,
and then he did that shit with his pecs.

685
00:36:56,631 --> 00:36:58,674
-Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
-[audience laughing]

686
00:36:58,758 --> 00:36:59,717
[chuckles]

687
00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:03,054
Like a Toni Braxton video.
I was like, "Oh, my God."

688
00:37:04,764 --> 00:37:07,934
And then he proceeded
to adjust his sweatpants.

689
00:37:08,017 --> 00:37:09,769
And then he was like… [smacking lips]

690
00:37:09,852 --> 00:37:12,230
And then the video ends,
and I was like… [gasps]

691
00:37:12,313 --> 00:37:14,232
[audience laughing]

692
00:37:14,815 --> 00:37:17,401
And then I watched the video
ten more times.

693
00:37:17,485 --> 00:37:19,028
[audience laughs]

694
00:37:19,111 --> 00:37:21,906
Each time, just zeroing in more and more

695
00:37:21,989 --> 00:37:25,534
at that part at the end
where he's adjusting his sweatpants.

696
00:37:25,618 --> 00:37:29,121
I'm trying to detect from the lighting,
from the tug of the fabric,

697
00:37:29,205 --> 00:37:31,457
like, how big is this thing, you know?

698
00:37:31,958 --> 00:37:34,669
My God, he was so smart to not show me it,

699
00:37:34,752 --> 00:37:37,296
but instead show me the silhouette of it.

700
00:37:37,380 --> 00:37:39,382
It was very burlesque of him.

701
00:37:39,465 --> 00:37:40,925
[audience laughing]

702
00:37:41,008 --> 00:37:42,301
[man whooping]

703
00:37:42,802 --> 00:37:45,763
So he flew to LA,
and I fucked the shit out of him.

704
00:37:45,846 --> 00:37:48,224
-[audience laughing]
-Oh, my God. Oh!

705
00:37:48,307 --> 00:37:50,768
[audience cheering, applauding]

706
00:37:50,851 --> 00:37:51,686
It was so good.

707
00:37:51,769 --> 00:37:55,523
My toes are curled up in two fists
right now just thinking about it again.

708
00:37:56,649 --> 00:38:00,820
It was so good that I decided
to fly to Chicago two weeks later

709
00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:02,154
to fuck him again.

710
00:38:02,238 --> 00:38:03,155
[audience cheering]

711
00:38:03,239 --> 00:38:05,449
Yes. And I could tell that he was broke,

712
00:38:05,533 --> 00:38:10,162
because all of his thirst-trap videos
were filmed in a YMCA bathroom.

713
00:38:10,246 --> 00:38:12,415
-[audience laughing]
-[Ali clears throat]

714
00:38:12,498 --> 00:38:15,293
So I called him up
before I left for Chicago,

715
00:38:15,376 --> 00:38:18,879
and I said,
"Hey, I'm so excited to see you again,

716
00:38:18,963 --> 00:38:21,799
and, uh, I wanna stay at a nice hotel."

717
00:38:21,882 --> 00:38:25,261
"I wanna eat at great restaurants,
and I wanna do fun things."

718
00:38:25,344 --> 00:38:30,016
"So while I'm there,
I'm gonna pay for everything."

719
00:38:30,599 --> 00:38:32,226
He was like, "Sick."

720
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:33,811
-[audience laughing]
-[sighs in relief]

721
00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:35,646
"Cowabunga--" [laughs]

722
00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:37,273
[audience laughing]

723
00:38:40,943 --> 00:38:43,738
I land there,
and we have a great night together.

724
00:38:43,821 --> 00:38:47,867
And then in the morning, he was like,
"What'd you wanna do today?"

725
00:38:47,950 --> 00:38:50,619
I was like, "I wanna go to the museum."

726
00:38:50,703 --> 00:38:54,165
He was like, "I'm down to see dinosaurs."

727
00:38:54,248 --> 00:38:55,291
[audience laughing]

728
00:38:59,045 --> 00:39:03,049
I like, "No, man, I wanna go
to the Art Institute of Chicago.

729
00:39:03,132 --> 00:39:06,427
"It is arguably
the best museum in the US."

730
00:39:06,510 --> 00:39:10,723
"It's where that famous scene
from Ferris Bueller's Day Off was filmed."

731
00:39:10,806 --> 00:39:11,932
"Oh, my God."

732
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:15,019
"You don't know
what Ferris Bueller's Day Off is."

733
00:39:15,102 --> 00:39:17,146
[audience laughs]

734
00:39:17,730 --> 00:39:18,689
And so we go there,

735
00:39:18,773 --> 00:39:22,234
and because it's my favorite museum,
we spent three hours there.

736
00:39:22,318 --> 00:39:24,695
I didn't realize that
until we were leaving.

737
00:39:24,779 --> 00:39:27,698
I was like, "Oh, my God,
we've been here for three hours."

738
00:39:27,782 --> 00:39:29,158
"Are you okay?"

739
00:39:29,241 --> 00:39:32,370
"Was that, like,
total utter torture for you?"

740
00:39:32,870 --> 00:39:34,205
He was like, "No."

741
00:39:34,288 --> 00:39:36,207
"All this art? Fire!"

742
00:39:36,290 --> 00:39:37,958
[audience laughing]

743
00:39:38,042 --> 00:39:41,170
"Fire, bro. That dude Monet? Fire."

744
00:39:41,253 --> 00:39:43,255
[audience laughing]

745
00:39:51,430 --> 00:39:54,767
I was like, "Did you just say…
[mispronouncing] 'Monet'?"

746
00:39:54,850 --> 00:39:56,018
[audience laughing]

747
00:39:58,896 --> 00:40:01,690
"Okay, I'm gonna fuck you
like six more times."

748
00:40:01,774 --> 00:40:03,776
[audience laughing]

749
00:40:05,945 --> 00:40:10,533
Traditionally, I have exclusively dated
Asian-American men.

750
00:40:10,616 --> 00:40:13,452
I still find them to be the sexiest. I do.

751
00:40:13,536 --> 00:40:16,664
Like when I watched Squid Game,
I was like, "Oh, my God."

752
00:40:17,164 --> 00:40:21,919
Whoo! "I like that one, I like that one,
I like that one, and I like that one."

753
00:40:23,796 --> 00:40:26,715
And then when I watched
Avatar: The Last Airbender, the cartoon,

754
00:40:26,799 --> 00:40:28,884
I was like,
"I like that one, I like that one,

755
00:40:28,968 --> 00:40:30,845
I like that one, I like that one."

756
00:40:34,473 --> 00:40:38,811
I like Prince Zuko, I like Uncle Iroh,
I like Appa. I like all of them.

757
00:40:38,894 --> 00:40:40,896
-[audience laughing]
-[laughs]

758
00:40:43,315 --> 00:40:45,192
So, you know, historically,

759
00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:48,946
I have exclusively dated
Asian-American men,

760
00:40:49,029 --> 00:40:53,868
but I have now opened myself up
to taste the rainbow.

761
00:40:53,951 --> 00:40:55,703
[audience laughing]

762
00:40:55,786 --> 00:40:58,247
Yes. And for the first time in my life,

763
00:40:58,330 --> 00:41:01,500
I have dated quite a few white men.

764
00:41:01,584 --> 00:41:03,919
That's not really part of the rainbow…

765
00:41:04,003 --> 00:41:05,754
[audience laughing]

766
00:41:07,506 --> 00:41:10,676
…but it's like the cloud
at the end of the rainbow.

767
00:41:12,052 --> 00:41:15,556
And I do believe
that the precipitation from clouds

768
00:41:15,639 --> 00:41:17,141
is crucial to the forma--

769
00:41:17,224 --> 00:41:20,352
You know what? I'm not a climatologist.
You get it, okay?

770
00:41:20,853 --> 00:41:24,899
In the past two years,
I've fucked a lot of dudes named Blake.

771
00:41:24,982 --> 00:41:26,567
[audience laughing]

772
00:41:27,985 --> 00:41:29,695
And for whatever reason,

773
00:41:29,778 --> 00:41:34,325
it has specifically been
a lot of white dudes from the Midwest.

774
00:41:34,408 --> 00:41:38,370
And while all of them
have been oh so very kind,

775
00:41:38,454 --> 00:41:40,998
I don't know that me
and any of those dudes

776
00:41:41,081 --> 00:41:42,708
could've lasted long-term,

777
00:41:42,791 --> 00:41:45,753
because these white dudes
from the Midwest,

778
00:41:46,253 --> 00:41:50,174
their diet, their palate, is so limited.

779
00:41:51,175 --> 00:41:53,135
I'm a very adventurous eater, okay?

780
00:41:53,219 --> 00:41:58,265
I eat pigs' feet, I eat durian,
I eat snails, I eat everything. Yeah.

781
00:41:58,349 --> 00:42:01,560
But these white dudes from the Midwest,

782
00:42:01,644 --> 00:42:03,771
they get diarrhea…

783
00:42:04,271 --> 00:42:06,190
[audience laughing]

784
00:42:07,399 --> 00:42:12,404
…every time they eat a dish that's not
a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

785
00:42:12,488 --> 00:42:13,906
[audience laughing]

786
00:42:13,989 --> 00:42:17,451
I'm like, "Oh, my God, Blake,
you have diarrhea again?"

787
00:42:18,911 --> 00:42:20,037
"From soy sauce?"

788
00:42:21,205 --> 00:42:23,916
"The Kikkoman soy sauce
was too spicy for you, Blake?"

789
00:42:23,999 --> 00:42:26,919
"Do you wanna get
extra mild soy sauce next time?"

790
00:42:27,002 --> 00:42:29,088
"Do you wanna just dip
your California roll

791
00:42:29,171 --> 00:42:31,298
in mayonnaise water moving forward?"

792
00:42:31,382 --> 00:42:33,259
[audience laughing]

793
00:42:37,096 --> 00:42:40,849
Then these white dudes from the Midwest,
they're always yucking my yum,

794
00:42:40,933 --> 00:42:44,061
acting like the food I eat
is gross and crazy.

795
00:42:44,144 --> 00:42:48,190
I'm like, "No, Blake.
The food you eat is gross and crazy."

796
00:42:49,191 --> 00:42:51,986
One night for dinner, I witness Blake

797
00:42:52,069 --> 00:42:56,657
eat a slice of cheese pizza
with a glass of cold milk

798
00:42:56,740 --> 00:42:58,325
and ice cream for dessert.

799
00:42:58,409 --> 00:43:00,411
He had milk three ways.

800
00:43:00,494 --> 00:43:01,954
[audience laughing]

801
00:43:02,037 --> 00:43:03,956
A straight tres leches meal…

802
00:43:04,039 --> 00:43:05,791
[audience laughing]

803
00:43:06,875 --> 00:43:12,047
…was the most lactose-tolerant human being
I'd ever met in my life.

804
00:43:12,131 --> 00:43:15,217
He was like a cat, a mouse,
and a toddler wrapped up in one.

805
00:43:15,301 --> 00:43:16,510
[audience laughing]

806
00:43:17,386 --> 00:43:18,345
[scoffs]

807
00:43:19,763 --> 00:43:20,598
Oh, my God,

808
00:43:20,681 --> 00:43:23,601
it blew my mind the first night
we ate fried chicken together,

809
00:43:23,684 --> 00:43:26,228
because you know,
I eat my meat to the bone,

810
00:43:26,312 --> 00:43:27,771
like a good Vietnamese girl.

811
00:43:27,855 --> 00:43:30,983
I eat the cartilage,
the marrow, the gristle…

812
00:43:31,066 --> 00:43:32,359
[audience cheering]

813
00:43:32,443 --> 00:43:34,153
…the skin. I eat everything.

814
00:43:34,236 --> 00:43:36,947
Uh, Blake took one bite of his drumstick

815
00:43:37,031 --> 00:43:39,742
and then moved right on to the next piece,

816
00:43:39,825 --> 00:43:44,121
leaving enough meat on the bone
to feed all the Whos in Whoville.

817
00:43:44,204 --> 00:43:45,831
[audience laughing]

818
00:43:47,207 --> 00:43:48,917
I was like, "Oh, what's for dessert?"

819
00:43:49,001 --> 00:43:50,836
"Dollar bills on fire?"

820
00:43:50,919 --> 00:43:52,838
[audience laughing]

821
00:43:58,177 --> 00:44:02,097
And then one afternoon,
I take him to the San Gabriel Valley,

822
00:44:02,181 --> 00:44:07,019
which is like the mecca
for Chinese food here in Los Angeles.

823
00:44:07,102 --> 00:44:10,481
And I take him to this fantastic,
very authentic Chinese restaurant,

824
00:44:10,564 --> 00:44:13,025
and we meet up with my college friend Hai.

825
00:44:13,108 --> 00:44:16,654
And Hai was trying to be friendly
and make small talk with Blake,

826
00:44:16,737 --> 00:44:20,783
and he says, "Hey, Blake, does Ali
have you eating all sorts of crazy shit?"

827
00:44:21,283 --> 00:44:24,870
And Blake was like, "Yeah,
it's a lot of stuff that I'm not used to,

828
00:44:24,953 --> 00:44:29,166
but I try to be open.
It's important to me to try new things."

829
00:44:29,667 --> 00:44:33,545
And then Hai says to me,
"Ali, look what Blake just did."

830
00:44:34,046 --> 00:44:38,092
And Blake had poured tea
for the three of us

831
00:44:38,759 --> 00:44:41,178
into our rice bowls.

832
00:44:41,261 --> 00:44:43,263
[audience laughing]

833
00:44:52,147 --> 00:44:56,110
He was like, "I don't understand.
Where's the tea supposed to go?"

834
00:44:56,193 --> 00:44:59,113
And then Hai pushed the teacups forward.

835
00:44:59,196 --> 00:45:02,282
And Blake was like,
"But that's too small for tea."

836
00:45:02,366 --> 00:45:05,494
And Hai was like, "Well,
it's definitely too small for rice."

837
00:45:06,370 --> 00:45:08,372
Then he says,
"You know what? It's all good, bro."

838
00:45:08,455 --> 00:45:11,375
"'Cause I was low-carb,
but today, I'm no carb."

839
00:45:11,875 --> 00:45:13,919
[audience laughing]

840
00:45:14,002 --> 00:45:18,132
And then Blake started flipping out
about all the tendon

841
00:45:18,215 --> 00:45:21,093
and sea cucumber
that Hai and I were ordering.

842
00:45:21,176 --> 00:45:25,389
And he's like, "Ali, can you please
just order me a pork bun?"

843
00:45:25,889 --> 00:45:28,475
So I get him a pork bun,

844
00:45:28,559 --> 00:45:30,185
and he ate it

845
00:45:30,269 --> 00:45:32,855
with the paper still on.

846
00:45:32,938 --> 00:45:34,940
[audience laughing]

847
00:45:43,073 --> 00:45:47,494
I think for the longest time
I was so focused on getting dicked down

848
00:45:47,578 --> 00:45:50,748
because the task of finding a boyfriend,

849
00:45:50,831 --> 00:45:53,125
someone who I consider talented,

850
00:45:53,208 --> 00:45:55,502
someone who makes me laugh,

851
00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:57,713
someone who I have a real connection with,

852
00:45:57,796 --> 00:46:00,048
someone who I look up to as an artist,

853
00:46:00,132 --> 00:46:04,219
someone that I would feel proud
to introduce to my kids,

854
00:46:04,303 --> 00:46:06,430
my peers and my friends and my mentors.

855
00:46:06,513 --> 00:46:09,099
I mean, that seemed impossible, you know?

856
00:46:09,183 --> 00:46:12,269
Like, if you wanna be
my boyfriend, too, just to start,

857
00:46:12,352 --> 00:46:15,147
you gotta be a divorced dad.

858
00:46:15,981 --> 00:46:18,692
Yeah. You gotta be a divorced dad

859
00:46:18,776 --> 00:46:22,988
because I want a man
that's been pre-yelled at.

860
00:46:23,071 --> 00:46:25,073
[audience laughing]

861
00:46:28,118 --> 00:46:30,245
Turnkey ready, know what I'm saying?

862
00:46:31,163 --> 00:46:34,082
I want that cast iron skillet seasoned.

863
00:46:35,334 --> 00:46:40,255
I want a man whose inner spirit
has already been crushed by his ex-wife,

864
00:46:41,048 --> 00:46:44,176
my guardian angel, my master, my shifu,

865
00:46:45,093 --> 00:46:48,555
who has ordered him around to death
and taken half of his money

866
00:46:48,639 --> 00:46:52,184
so that I seem like an easygoing
cheerleader in comparison.

867
00:46:53,769 --> 00:46:58,273
One woman's trash
is another woman's trained trash.

868
00:46:58,357 --> 00:47:00,359
[audience laughing]

869
00:47:01,485 --> 00:47:03,612
-[chuckles]
-[man] Yeah!

870
00:47:04,112 --> 00:47:08,408
I don't want a man that's broke,
but I do want a man that's broken, okay?

871
00:47:08,909 --> 00:47:12,371
Yeah, I wanna see some dings
on that CARFAX report.

872
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:16,875
I wanna see that in 2020,
there was a head-on collision

873
00:47:16,959 --> 00:47:20,963
when David put the wet dishes
on top of the dry dishes.

874
00:47:21,046 --> 00:47:22,381
[audience laughing]

875
00:47:23,799 --> 00:47:27,261
I don't want one of these dudes
that's 40 years old,

876
00:47:27,344 --> 00:47:30,556
been single their whole life,
no marriage, no kids.

877
00:47:30,639 --> 00:47:31,473
Uh-uh.

878
00:47:31,557 --> 00:47:35,102
Those men age, but they don't grow up.

879
00:47:35,185 --> 00:47:37,020
[audience laughing]

880
00:47:37,104 --> 00:47:40,274
Right? They get very easily overwhelmed.

881
00:47:40,357 --> 00:47:42,359
[audience laughing]

882
00:47:45,362 --> 00:47:48,490
I want a man
that doesn't take an entire day

883
00:47:48,574 --> 00:47:51,201
to put a duvet cover on a duvet.

884
00:47:53,287 --> 00:47:57,958
I want a man who knows how to buy
other fruit besides bananas.

885
00:47:58,458 --> 00:47:59,418
[audience laughing]

886
00:48:02,087 --> 00:48:04,423
And look, if you wanna be my boyfriend,

887
00:48:04,506 --> 00:48:09,261
I accept occasional
erectile dysfunction, okay?

888
00:48:09,344 --> 00:48:10,637
Yeah, we're 40.

889
00:48:10,721 --> 00:48:12,848
Erectile dysfunction
is like climate change.

890
00:48:12,931 --> 00:48:14,725
It's here. Don't be in denial.

891
00:48:14,808 --> 00:48:16,101
[audience laughing]

892
00:48:16,685 --> 00:48:20,355
I accept occasional erectile dysfunction,

893
00:48:20,439 --> 00:48:23,567
just as long as you know how to pivot.

894
00:48:24,318 --> 00:48:27,112
You have to pivot fast.

895
00:48:28,322 --> 00:48:31,366
You gotta eat out my ass right away.
Right away.

896
00:48:31,450 --> 00:48:33,577
Within milliseconds.

897
00:48:34,161 --> 00:48:37,581
Nothing will make me
forget and forgive faster

898
00:48:37,664 --> 00:48:40,709
than when you place
the hole where food goes in

899
00:48:40,792 --> 00:48:43,003
right on top of the hole
where food goes out.

900
00:48:43,086 --> 00:48:45,756
Ooh! You know? It's a complete reset.

901
00:48:45,839 --> 00:48:47,466
It's like the Men in Black pen.

902
00:48:47,549 --> 00:48:49,927
This is the new beginning now. You know?

903
00:48:50,010 --> 00:48:51,386
[audience laughing]

904
00:48:53,096 --> 00:48:54,264
[chuckles]

905
00:48:56,308 --> 00:48:59,478
What I definitely don't want
instead of the pivot

906
00:48:59,561 --> 00:49:01,813
is to have to hear the excuse,

907
00:49:01,897 --> 00:49:04,149
the explanation, the speech,

908
00:49:04,232 --> 00:49:06,818
as to why your boner has gone soft.

909
00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:09,363
[in a high-pitched voice] "Oh,
I've had a very stressful day."

910
00:49:09,446 --> 00:49:13,367
"I had a long Zoom, and then I played
pickleball for two hours."

911
00:49:13,450 --> 00:49:16,078
"I'm exhausted. A lot on my mind.
My grandma's sick--"

912
00:49:16,161 --> 00:49:17,454
Nobody gives a shit.

913
00:49:17,537 --> 00:49:19,873
Put your tongue in the booty hole now.

914
00:49:19,957 --> 00:49:21,208
[audience laughing]

915
00:49:21,792 --> 00:49:24,378
Lengua en el culo ahorita.

916
00:49:24,461 --> 00:49:26,463
[audience laughing]

917
00:49:31,259 --> 00:49:32,260
[chuckles]

918
00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:36,431
All right, I think this next point
should be obvious.

919
00:49:37,015 --> 00:49:39,101
If you wanna be my boyfriend,

920
00:49:39,184 --> 00:49:41,770
you better be nasty.

921
00:49:43,313 --> 00:49:47,109
Yeah. A lot of men out there aren't nasty.

922
00:49:47,192 --> 00:49:50,070
A lot of men refuse to kiss

923
00:49:50,153 --> 00:49:53,198
after they've cum in your mouth.

924
00:49:55,909 --> 00:49:58,120
How rude.

925
00:49:58,203 --> 00:50:00,205
[audience laughing]

926
00:50:03,375 --> 00:50:06,712
I just sucked your dick.

927
00:50:07,713 --> 00:50:11,550
My knees have those puffy
red circles on them.

928
00:50:12,592 --> 00:50:16,555
My topknot has migrated
to the side of my head.

929
00:50:16,638 --> 00:50:18,640
[audience laughing]

930
00:50:20,350 --> 00:50:21,309
And you can't…

931
00:50:21,393 --> 00:50:23,478
[mimicking kiss]

932
00:50:23,562 --> 00:50:26,356
"Thank you. Thank you so much."

933
00:50:26,440 --> 00:50:30,777
"Thank you, Emmy,
Golden Globe winner Ali Wong…

934
00:50:30,861 --> 00:50:33,697
[audience cheering]

935
00:50:36,867 --> 00:50:39,327
…for sucking my dick."

936
00:50:40,370 --> 00:50:43,457
That's your jizz in my mouth.

937
00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:45,625
Why are you acting grossed out?

938
00:50:45,709 --> 00:50:47,919
That's like being like, "Ugh! Who farted?"

939
00:50:48,003 --> 00:50:50,380
"You farted. You jizzed and you farted."

940
00:50:50,464 --> 00:50:51,798
[audience laughing]

941
00:50:51,882 --> 00:50:55,552
"That's your fart, your cum,
your responsibility. Now kiss me."

942
00:50:55,635 --> 00:50:57,262
[audience laughing]

943
00:50:58,930 --> 00:51:02,017
"You know what?
Your jizz isn't even in my mouth anymore,

944
00:51:02,100 --> 00:51:05,187
because I swallowed it
since I'm a kind six."

945
00:51:05,270 --> 00:51:07,272
[audience laughing]

946
00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:15,322
I should clarify, there are no globs
of jizz in my mouth anymore.

947
00:51:15,405 --> 00:51:19,659
There is a film, a coating,
a whisper, if you will,

948
00:51:19,743 --> 00:51:23,121
similar to when you eat a bag of Cheetos.

949
00:51:23,205 --> 00:51:24,790
The Cheetos are in your tummy,

950
00:51:24,873 --> 00:51:28,210
but the orange dust,
the sabor, the essence,

951
00:51:28,710 --> 00:51:33,006
the spirit of the Cheeto,
still remains and lingers. Yes.

952
00:51:35,092 --> 00:51:36,301
[man whoops]

953
00:51:36,384 --> 00:51:37,552
[chuckles]

954
00:51:41,431 --> 00:51:43,725
Look, I'm not saying
you have to give me head

955
00:51:43,809 --> 00:51:45,477
day one of my period.

956
00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:46,937
That's disgusting, okay?

957
00:51:47,020 --> 00:51:49,981
I know the difference
between nasty and disgusting.

958
00:51:50,065 --> 00:51:51,483
That's disgusting.

959
00:51:51,566 --> 00:51:55,570
You do not have to give me head
day one of my period.

960
00:51:55,654 --> 00:51:59,366
But when we have landed at day four…

961
00:52:00,826 --> 00:52:04,287
and it has petered out
into a watery salsa…

962
00:52:04,371 --> 00:52:07,165
[audience laughing hysterically]

963
00:52:17,092 --> 00:52:20,887
What are you scared of, you baby?
There's iron in there, okay?

964
00:52:20,971 --> 00:52:22,472
[audience laughing hysterically]

965
00:52:22,556 --> 00:52:24,474
There's nutritional benefit.

966
00:52:25,350 --> 00:52:29,437
Tomorrow, you can skip putting spinach
in your smoothie because of me.

967
00:52:29,521 --> 00:52:31,106
[audience laughing]

968
00:52:36,194 --> 00:52:41,199
So while I was very focused
on getting dicked down,

969
00:52:41,283 --> 00:52:44,244
at the same time, I was always, deep down,

970
00:52:44,327 --> 00:52:47,581
looking forward to falling in love.

971
00:52:48,582 --> 00:52:51,293
I mean that.
I'm a romantic ho like that, okay?

972
00:52:52,043 --> 00:52:55,797
I love falling in love. I believe
it's the best feeling in the world.

973
00:52:55,881 --> 00:52:59,968
They call it "falling" for a reason,
because it's momentous, you know?

974
00:53:00,468 --> 00:53:03,096
I love that beginning magical period

975
00:53:03,180 --> 00:53:07,642
where you only see the positive qualities
in somebody else. Right?

976
00:53:08,310 --> 00:53:11,062
And then you feel like a better person…

977
00:53:12,355 --> 00:53:15,275
because you're pretending
to be a better person.

978
00:53:15,358 --> 00:53:16,443
[audience laughing]

979
00:53:17,652 --> 00:53:20,572
I like the challenge
of having to impress somebody else.

980
00:53:20,655 --> 00:53:22,657
I like wondering, "Oh, my God."

981
00:53:22,741 --> 00:53:25,952
"Does this person like me
as much as I like them?"

982
00:53:26,453 --> 00:53:30,457
And then when you finally have sex
after all that anticipation…

983
00:53:30,540 --> 00:53:33,460
[inhales sharply]
…it's never that good again, right?

984
00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:37,422
Right? When they enter you
for the first time,

985
00:53:37,505 --> 00:53:41,468
and you give each other that look--
You know, that look that's just like…

986
00:53:42,677 --> 00:53:44,679
-[breath shaking]
-[audience laughing]

987
00:53:46,097 --> 00:53:47,933
It's so good.

988
00:53:48,016 --> 00:53:51,978
Because they're not just sticking
their dick inside of your pussy…

989
00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:52,938
Mm-mm.

990
00:53:53,772 --> 00:53:56,524
…they're filling the hole in your heart…

991
00:53:56,608 --> 00:53:58,109
[audience laughing]

992
00:53:58,193 --> 00:54:01,112
…that you didn't know
was there in the first place.

993
00:54:02,656 --> 00:54:06,952
Now, I have fallen in love once
since my divorce,

994
00:54:07,035 --> 00:54:09,955
and that hole got filled. It did.

995
00:54:11,081 --> 00:54:16,920
But it made me curious about
how many other holes are in my heart.

996
00:54:17,003 --> 00:54:17,879
[audience laughing]

997
00:54:17,963 --> 00:54:21,549
And if my heart is like Swiss cheese,

998
00:54:21,633 --> 00:54:24,761
where there's different holes
of varying diameters

999
00:54:24,844 --> 00:54:27,722
that require bespoke dicks to fill them.

1000
00:54:27,806 --> 00:54:29,474
[audience laughing]

1001
00:54:32,727 --> 00:54:35,313
I did fall in love once since my divorce.

1002
00:54:35,397 --> 00:54:39,025
I fell in love very hard
with this Japanese-American dude

1003
00:54:39,109 --> 00:54:43,029
that I met at a coffee shop,
of all places.

1004
00:54:43,113 --> 00:54:45,907
And my God, he was so stunning.
I had to go and talk to him.

1005
00:54:45,991 --> 00:54:47,867
He was 6' 8".

1006
00:54:48,660 --> 00:54:50,787
Yeah, I didn't know
they made us in that size.

1007
00:54:50,870 --> 00:54:52,414
I was like, "Oh, my God."

1008
00:54:52,497 --> 00:54:53,623
"Who's this?"

1009
00:54:54,165 --> 00:54:56,710
And then he turned out to be
this very talented drummer,

1010
00:54:56,793 --> 00:54:58,712
and a bunch of my friends knew who he was.

1011
00:54:58,795 --> 00:55:01,298
They were like,
"Oh, my God, Ali, that dude is the shit."

1012
00:55:01,881 --> 00:55:05,093
And he was so funny,
and, my God, he was so smart.

1013
00:55:05,176 --> 00:55:06,970
He spoke three different languages.

1014
00:55:07,053 --> 00:55:08,847
He was a divorced dad,

1015
00:55:08,930 --> 00:55:12,892
and we fell in love
head over heels so fast.

1016
00:55:12,976 --> 00:55:17,272
And we were getting ready
to go on this big trip to Asia together,

1017
00:55:17,355 --> 00:55:19,482
and then all of a sudden, one day,

1018
00:55:20,775 --> 00:55:22,360
he broke up with me.

1019
00:55:23,611 --> 00:55:26,531
And, uh… And I was totally blindsided.

1020
00:55:26,614 --> 00:55:29,909
I still don't know why he did it,
and I was devastated.

1021
00:55:29,993 --> 00:55:34,706
And I tried to hide
how bummed out I was from my kids,

1022
00:55:35,206 --> 00:55:38,168
but then they found me
in the closet one day,

1023
00:55:39,210 --> 00:55:41,046
listening to Tony Rich Project,

1024
00:55:41,129 --> 00:55:44,799
They were like, "Mommy, what's wrong?
Why are you so bummed out all the time?"

1025
00:55:45,383 --> 00:55:49,429
So that was sort of the impetus
for me to get back up on stage

1026
00:55:49,512 --> 00:55:52,432
and do stand-up again and go on tour. Um…

1027
00:55:52,515 --> 00:55:54,267
-[audience cheering]
-Yeah. Thank you so much.

1028
00:55:54,351 --> 00:55:56,102
Stand-up is the one thing

1029
00:55:56,186 --> 00:55:59,230
that's always made me feel
so connected to people.

1030
00:56:00,732 --> 00:56:05,862
And I gotta tell you that even though
that dude really broke my heart,

1031
00:56:05,945 --> 00:56:10,367
not for one second
did I ever regret getting divorced.

1032
00:56:11,618 --> 00:56:12,452
I mean it.

1033
00:56:13,036 --> 00:56:14,996
Because, you know, that drummer dude,

1034
00:56:15,080 --> 00:56:18,124
he came along,
and he filled this hole in my heart,

1035
00:56:18,208 --> 00:56:21,378
but then he left me,
and then that hole was empty again.

1036
00:56:21,461 --> 00:56:24,255
But at least I was single and free

1037
00:56:24,339 --> 00:56:27,926
to go on another adventure
to fill it. Right?

1038
00:56:28,718 --> 00:56:29,969
[audience cheering]

1039
00:56:30,053 --> 00:56:33,473
Yeah. And that freedom, it feels so good.

1040
00:56:33,556 --> 00:56:36,059
And I know that it can be
really intimidating

1041
00:56:36,142 --> 00:56:38,686
to get back out there
as a 40-year-old mom,

1042
00:56:38,770 --> 00:56:40,188
because you think to yourself,

1043
00:56:40,271 --> 00:56:43,608
"Who's gonna wanna fuck me
and my stretched-out cave pussy?"

1044
00:56:44,109 --> 00:56:47,028
"Who's gonna want this geriatric uterus,

1045
00:56:48,113 --> 00:56:51,116
these breastfed
National Geographic titties?

1046
00:56:51,199 --> 00:56:52,742
[audience laughing]

1047
00:56:52,826 --> 00:56:57,038
And I'm here to tell you
that as long as you're a kind six,

1048
00:56:57,122 --> 00:56:59,958
real men don't give a fuck, okay?

1049
00:57:00,041 --> 00:57:02,752
-[audience cheering]
-They don't. They really don't.

1050
00:57:02,836 --> 00:57:06,673
Real men know
that real sexiness is on the inside.

1051
00:57:06,756 --> 00:57:10,885
And I know, also, that, you know,
divorce gets a really bad reputation

1052
00:57:10,969 --> 00:57:14,013
and it can sound really scary
and full of acrimony,

1053
00:57:14,097 --> 00:57:19,477
but then just look at me
as an alternate example of how it can be.

1054
00:57:19,561 --> 00:57:23,022
I'm best friends with my ex-husband,
and then if you--

1055
00:57:23,106 --> 00:57:24,649
-Yeah, I really am.
-[audience cheering]

1056
00:57:24,732 --> 00:57:28,403
And if you can take away anything
from what you've heard tonight,

1057
00:57:28,486 --> 00:57:30,530
look how much fun I'm having.

1058
00:57:30,613 --> 00:57:32,031
[audience laughing]

1059
00:57:32,115 --> 00:57:32,949
It's crazy.

1060
00:57:33,032 --> 00:57:37,912
Like, I never thought I would have
this much fun, this kind of fun,

1061
00:57:37,996 --> 00:57:39,664
at this stage in my life.

1062
00:57:39,747 --> 00:57:42,959
I swear to God, divorce is so fun…

1063
00:57:43,460 --> 00:57:45,253
[audience laughing softly]

1064
00:57:45,336 --> 00:57:47,881
…that I almost wanna get married again…

1065
00:57:47,964 --> 00:57:49,382
[audience laughing]

1066
00:57:49,466 --> 00:57:52,343
…just so I can get divorced again.

1067
00:57:53,595 --> 00:57:56,306
And if you would like
to join the hotation,

1068
00:57:56,389 --> 00:57:59,559
please feel free to DM me. [laughing]

1069
00:57:59,642 --> 00:58:01,269
[audience laughing]

1070
00:58:01,352 --> 00:58:03,980
I'm just kidding.
I have a new boyfriend now.

1071
00:58:04,063 --> 00:58:04,898
I do.

1072
00:58:04,981 --> 00:58:06,274
[audience cheering]

1073
00:58:06,858 --> 00:58:07,692
Uh…

1074
00:58:08,651 --> 00:58:10,445
I did fall in love again.

1075
00:58:10,528 --> 00:58:13,740
Some of you might know who the guy is.

1076
00:58:13,823 --> 00:58:15,825
[audience cheering]

1077
00:58:15,909 --> 00:58:16,826
And, uh…

1078
00:58:17,660 --> 00:58:20,246
it just so happens to be the man

1079
00:58:20,330 --> 00:58:23,082
who sent me
all of those flowers in Europe.

1080
00:58:23,750 --> 00:58:25,627
I've been Ali Wong.
Have a good night, everybody.

1081
00:58:25,710 --> 00:58:27,879
Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.

1082
00:58:27,962 --> 00:58:28,838
[audience cheering]

1083
00:58:28,922 --> 00:58:33,843
♪ All we have to do now ♪

1084
00:58:33,927 --> 00:58:39,307
♪ Is take these lies
And make them true somehow ♪

1085
00:58:39,390 --> 00:58:43,186
♪ All we have to see ♪

1086
00:58:43,269 --> 00:58:49,859
♪ Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me, yeah, yeah ♪

1087
00:58:49,943 --> 00:58:52,195
♪ Freedom, oh ♪

1088
00:58:52,278 --> 00:58:54,572
♪ Freedom ♪

1089
00:58:54,656 --> 00:58:56,950
♪ Freedom ♪

1090
00:58:57,033 --> 00:58:59,369
♪ You've gotta give for what you take ♪

1091
00:58:59,953 --> 00:59:02,580
-♪ Freedom ♪
-♪ I'll hold onto my ♪

1092
00:59:02,664 --> 00:59:04,249
♪ Freedom ♪

1093
00:59:04,332 --> 00:59:05,333
[inaudible]

1094
00:59:05,416 --> 00:59:07,293
♪ My freedom ♪

1095
00:59:07,377 --> 00:59:09,212
♪ You've gotta give for what you take ♪

1096
00:59:09,295 --> 00:59:15,426
♪ Give for what, give for what you take ♪

1097
00:59:16,427 --> 00:59:17,720
♪ Yeah ♪

1098
00:59:17,804 --> 00:59:20,890
♪ You've gotta give for what
Give for what, to give ♪

1099
00:59:20,974 --> 00:59:23,476
♪ May not be what you want from me ♪

1100
00:59:23,560 --> 00:59:26,187
♪ Just the way it's got to be ♪

1101
00:59:26,271 --> 00:59:27,272
[music fades]