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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[cheering]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[music playing]

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[cheering]

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Narrator: Ladies and
gentlemen, rob schneider.

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[music playing]

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Yeah, tampa bay.

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We'll be seeing you.

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Thank you.

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Thank you so much.

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It's so great to be here
in florida, I tell you.

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Florida are the nicest people.

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You guys are incredible.

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You put up with so much.

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You're so kind.

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You have people every day just,
just running over your border,

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Just flooding into florida.

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Just every day, just
foreigners coming in.

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I'm not talking about mexicans.

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I'm talking about people
from california and new york.

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These motherfuckers.

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These guys, coming over
here with their vegan

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Diets, and their yoga pants,
and their rock climbing shoes,

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You know.

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And then, and god, you know,
if you want to fuck them up,

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Give them a piece of cheese.

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00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:53,712
And they go, oh, fuck, oh
I'm lactose intolerant.

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Oh, fuck.

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God knows, you really
want to fuck them,

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Up give them a piece of toast.

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You know, like, oh,
fuck, I can't eat gluten.

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There's gluten in there.

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They're a bunch of pussies.

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00:02:08,212 --> 00:02:09,428
And I know because
I'm one of them.

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I actually-- I'm
from california.

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Gluten intolerant.

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I'm a vegan.

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I'm from california.

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Now I don't mean to complain
or anything because nobody--

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You don't want to
hear my problems.

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You don't want to
hear, probably.

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00:02:23,794 --> 00:02:26,945
It's like the thing is, it's
just boring to tell people

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00:02:26,997 --> 00:02:28,180
What's wrong with california.

45
00:02:28,232 --> 00:02:28,981
It seems pretty obvious.

46
00:02:29,033 --> 00:02:30,249
It's overcrowded.

47
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You know, the
traffic's terrible.

48
00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:34,303
You know, the
taxes are horrible.

49
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:36,371
You know, the government
interferes with every aspect

50
00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:37,439
Of your life and your business.

51
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:38,974
You know, it's just
bores people to death.

52
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:40,459
So what I try to
do is tell people

53
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Kind of a metaphor for
what's wrong with california.

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California is like a beautiful
woman who used to blow you,

55
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But she hasn't blown you
in a long fucking time.

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You can't even remember
the last time she blew you.

57
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:02,898
You're like, did she
ever fucking blow me?

58
00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:05,734
I don't even remember.

59
00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:08,670
But she's still spending
all your fucking money.

60
00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:15,911
And she won't let
anybody else blow you.

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00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:19,047
And now she has homeless
people living in her crotch.

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My friends in california
have million homes, can't

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Get out of their own driveway.

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They're just brainwashed.

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And then people are like,
people go to live somewhere.

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At the end of your driveway?

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That's not good
for them, either.

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How far are you
going to take this?

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Well, they're on the lawn,
but they're not in the house.

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As long as they
stay on the lawn,

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People got to live somewhere.

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Well, they're in
the living room,

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00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:52,648
But they're not in the kitchen.

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My wife and I spend most
of our time in the kitchen.

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Well, they're fingering my wife,
but they're not fucking her.

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You know, as long as people
get a finger somewhere,

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They're going to finger.

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00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:06,478
People-- these are people,
too, if they need to finger, .

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Finger people

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So we moved out of calif--
we look different places,

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You know.

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You know, we went
to north carolina.

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My wife's like, there's
not enough mexicans here.

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And I said, you got to look
around, honey, you know.

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Be open minded.

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Check the kitchen.

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Look around everywhere.

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Be open minded.

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Look around.

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We couldn't stay in
california, you know.

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The state of california make
my kids wear masks in school.

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00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:44,950
So we moved out to the slightly
freer state of arizona.

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The week after we got there,
the schools in arizona

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Made my kids wear masks.

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My wife was-- you know, she
said to me-- she's mexican.

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She said to me,
are you happy now?

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You happy?

98
00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:04,519
We're freer in the desert.

99
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:14,396
There's cactus in the
backyard and coyote.

100
00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:16,682
Not the kind that brought
me to this country, either.

101
00:05:16,734 --> 00:05:19,918
Real fucking coyotes that
eat your fucking pets.

102
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You happy now?

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00:05:25,943 --> 00:05:28,860
The kids don't have
to wear masks outside,

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But they can't go outside
anyway because it's

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120 fucking degrees outside.

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A week, the first
week we're in arizona,

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First week in the house, my
wife got stung by a scorpion.

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Luckily, she's mexican.

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The scorpion was
throwing up for hours.

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We had to take the
scorpion to the hospital

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And get his stomach pumped.

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This scorpion would not
come back to the house

113
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Until we had the whole
place sprayed for mexicans.

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I'm married in 13 years now.

115
00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:11,837
And I think you know--

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Don't clap too hard.

117
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It's the third one.

118
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But you know, it's
about communication.

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That's the real key
to it, is communicate.

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Your wife wants to know that
you're listening to her.

121
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And we are most of the time.

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We really are.

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00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:44,569
It's just sometimes you
leave out information,

124
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And then you just move on.

125
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And we're confused like
we're not listening to you,

126
00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:50,592
But we just don't
know what happened.

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I'll give you an example.

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Just a few hours ago, a few
hours ago, my wife calls me.

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00:06:54,865 --> 00:06:59,201
And she said, robert did you
realize that the second most

130
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Popular plastic surgery
procedure for women

131
00:07:02,039 --> 00:07:06,591
Now is vaginoplasty?

132
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:07,676
I got to go.

133
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Don't fucking go.

134
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:10,128
Don't leave me with your--

135
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Don't leave me with that.

136
00:07:13,884 --> 00:07:15,784
So the next hour and a
half, I'm on my phone.

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00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:19,137
I'm going like, vaginoplasty,
vaginoplasty, vaginoplasty.

138
00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:21,339
And it's true.

139
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Apparently, these
women's leggings and yoga

140
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Pants are so popular
yet, you know,

141
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:31,516
Revealing that for some women--

142
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How can I say this gently?

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For some women, their vaginas
are a little on the beefy side.

144
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You know, ladies, you've
been in the locker room.

145
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That's more of an
outie than in innie.

146
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Yes, tuck it in.

147
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:52,471
Tuck it all in.
Yeah, just grab.

148
00:07:52,523 --> 00:07:53,271
Grab.

149
00:07:53,323 --> 00:07:55,507
Just grab both, and just shove.

150
00:07:55,559 --> 00:07:57,042
Yes, better.

151
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:04,432
Wow, too much.

152
00:08:04,434 --> 00:08:06,918
You could squeeze that
all together for a dick.

153
00:08:06,970 --> 00:08:09,754
I'm sorry.

154
00:08:09,806 --> 00:08:12,474
That's how my grandma taught
me how to tie my shoes.

155
00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:15,961
I swear, it's like just take the
one bunny ear over the other.

156
00:08:20,984 --> 00:08:22,467
Double knot if you're
playing sports.

157
00:08:32,196 --> 00:08:34,713
That's a big difference between
men and women, you know.

158
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You never see a guy go, yeah,
I like the slacks, a lot,

159
00:08:38,468 --> 00:08:40,986
But I'm starting to see
way too much cock and balls

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Down there, yeah.

161
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:47,459
I know, I'll just cut
off some of my balls.

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00:08:47,511 --> 00:08:48,910
Hit a ball, sack o plasty.

163
00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:55,800
There's not been one ball sack
o plasty performed in america.

164
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I checked.

165
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I checked just now.

166
00:09:00,424 --> 00:09:02,674
It's an amazing time
to be alive right now.

167
00:09:02,726 --> 00:09:06,595
I never thought I'd
see the day where

168
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:11,600
Women would be misogynistically
attacked in our culture.

169
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:14,469
It's unbelievable to me, you
know, even using the word

170
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Woman now is controversial.

171
00:09:18,825 --> 00:09:22,227
We have a supreme court
justice on the supreme court.

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00:09:22,279 --> 00:09:23,161
They asked her.

173
00:09:23,213 --> 00:09:27,732
They said, can you tell us your
definition of what a woman is?

174
00:09:27,784 --> 00:09:32,654
She was like, not falling
for that trick question.

175
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:34,923
You almost had me on that one.

176
00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:38,960
Nah, nah, no.

177
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:42,631
Not a biologist.

178
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:43,882
What?

179
00:09:43,934 --> 00:09:46,735
Excuse me.

180
00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:49,237
Everybody knows what a woman is.

181
00:09:56,679 --> 00:10:00,982
A woman is someone
who gets mad at you

182
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,651
For something you did
three fucking years ago.

183
00:10:07,224 --> 00:10:13,378
Biological fact, a woman is
somebody who uses the tires

184
00:10:13,430 --> 00:10:17,565
Of her car as curb feelers.

185
00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:20,685
Boom, jesus.

186
00:10:20,737 --> 00:10:22,237
You could've drove, you asshole.

187
00:10:25,942 --> 00:10:28,159
Yeah, well, now no one can drive
because we have a tire that's

188
00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:29,661
100 yards behind our car.

189
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,249
A woman is someone
who wakes you up

190
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:37,919
At 2:00 in the morning to
kill a spider in the bathroom.

191
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,221
You said you killed it.

192
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:41,339
You didn't kill it.

193
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:44,192
It's still in there.

194
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:46,961
I didn't say I killed it.

195
00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:49,614
I didn't say anything.

196
00:10:49,666 --> 00:10:52,734
I went in there, and you didn't
tell me how fucking big it was.

197
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:59,758
And I said, I'm not going to
deal with this shit right now.

198
00:10:59,810 --> 00:11:02,594
I don't have any pants on.

199
00:11:02,646 --> 00:11:04,429
I don't want to cut it in
half, and the other half

200
00:11:04,481 --> 00:11:09,501
Lands on my balls and I got
to get a ball sack o plasty.

201
00:11:14,091 --> 00:11:17,726
A woman is someone who
makes you check every door

202
00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:21,579
And lock in the house after
she just checked every door

203
00:11:21,631 --> 00:11:24,766
And locked in the house.

204
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:27,936
Did you check the garage?

205
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:30,221
For what?

206
00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:33,391
To see if it's closed.

207
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:35,343
Well, I mean, when I--

208
00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:38,129
I mean, I closed it
when I came home.

209
00:11:38,181 --> 00:11:39,147
Did you check it since?

210
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:45,336
I didn't go anywhere since.

211
00:11:45,422 --> 00:11:47,122
And you didn't go
anywhere since.

212
00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:51,359
I just kind of did the math.

213
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:52,293
Go check the garage.

214
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:56,314
Yeah, I checked the garage.

215
00:11:56,366 --> 00:11:57,115
It was closed.

216
00:11:57,167 --> 00:11:58,950
And I checked the
front door, too,

217
00:11:59,002 --> 00:12:01,953
Because I knew that was coming.

218
00:12:02,005 --> 00:12:03,154
The chain was on, too.

219
00:12:03,206 --> 00:12:04,989
I didn't put the chain on.

220
00:12:05,041 --> 00:12:07,125
Did you put the chain on?

221
00:12:07,177 --> 00:12:10,245
Who put the chain on?

222
00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:12,947
The spider?

223
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:16,117
You said it was big.

224
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,520
Did you check the
sliding glass doors?

225
00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,872
No, but I was about to.

226
00:12:20,924 --> 00:12:24,292
First, I wanted to take off
my pants, and get into bed,

227
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:28,763
And find a comfortable
sleeping position,

228
00:12:28,815 --> 00:12:31,332
And get my head on the
pillow in a perfect place

229
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:34,152
For like four or five hours.

230
00:12:34,204 --> 00:12:36,671
And then after that,
I was going to get up

231
00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:39,524
And put my pants back
on and then check

232
00:12:39,576 --> 00:12:43,011
All the sliding glass doors.

233
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:44,512
I checked the
sliding glass doors,

234
00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:47,031
And of course
they're all locked.

235
00:12:47,083 --> 00:12:49,968
I get back into bed.

236
00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:51,386
I hear something.

237
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:58,259
Honey, the only person
who wants to kill you

238
00:12:58,311 --> 00:12:59,761
Is already in the house.

239
00:13:04,601 --> 00:13:08,019
He knows all the codes.

240
00:13:08,071 --> 00:13:09,754
He could change the
codes if he wants.

241
00:13:12,476 --> 00:13:14,876
So here we are.

242
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:20,732
In the culture, suddenly the
word woman is controversial.

243
00:13:20,784 --> 00:13:21,649
What?

244
00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:22,567
How?

245
00:13:22,619 --> 00:13:23,651
Controversial, how?

246
00:13:23,703 --> 00:13:25,687
Because it discriminates.

247
00:13:25,739 --> 00:13:27,989
Really?

248
00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:29,190
Against who?

249
00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:34,195
Well, against people
who identify as women,

250
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:35,864
But have dicks.

251
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:49,944
Like that guy.

252
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:52,347
He's-- these six
guys right here.

253
00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:54,199
These guys, especially
the guy in the middle

254
00:13:54,251 --> 00:13:55,400
With the huge dick.

255
00:13:55,485 --> 00:13:57,569
Look at that fucking things.

256
00:13:57,621 --> 00:13:58,386
It's not even hard.

257
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:00,321
Look at that fucking thing.

258
00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:03,157
Well, he's a woman, too.

259
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:05,343
Sorry.

260
00:14:05,395 --> 00:14:06,845
Sorry, ladies, your
feelings aren't

261
00:14:06,897 --> 00:14:07,896
As important as these dudes.

262
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:08,746
Sorry.

263
00:14:12,035 --> 00:14:14,202
So unbelievable we're at
this point where women--

264
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:16,087
In the history of the world--
if you look at the history

265
00:14:16,139 --> 00:14:20,058
Of the world, this particular
culture, this particular time

266
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:22,844
In humanity has been the
freest time for women

267
00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,946
In the history of the world.

268
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:26,130
This is not perfect.

269
00:14:26,182 --> 00:14:27,198
It is not perfect.

270
00:14:27,250 --> 00:14:29,367
But you know, it's
pretty darn good.

271
00:14:29,419 --> 00:14:30,585
Seriously, it's pretty good.

272
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:33,104
I mean, women, not
exactly equality with men.

273
00:14:33,156 --> 00:14:34,255
But they're knocking
on the door.

274
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,808
They're right there, knocking
on the door with men,

275
00:14:36,860 --> 00:14:37,659
Knocking on the door.

276
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:39,027
I'm sorry this
looks like a dick,

277
00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:40,628
But you know what I'm saying.

278
00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:46,718
You get the point.

279
00:14:46,770 --> 00:14:48,753
You know what I'm saying.

280
00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:50,121
You know what I'm saying.

281
00:14:50,173 --> 00:14:51,773
Hey, listen, by the way,
I'm for equal rights

282
00:14:51,825 --> 00:14:54,759
For women of course,
equal pay for women.

283
00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:56,094
I mean, I'm not going
to give it to you.

284
00:14:56,146 --> 00:14:58,546
But if you get it,
you know, I'm not

285
00:14:58,598 --> 00:14:59,898
Going to take it away from you.

286
00:14:59,950 --> 00:15:01,299
That's my point.

287
00:15:01,351 --> 00:15:02,533
You hang on.

288
00:15:02,586 --> 00:15:03,618
You go, girl.

289
00:15:06,523 --> 00:15:08,756
Some people refuse to
use the word woman now.

290
00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:11,976
The governor whitmer of the
great state of michigan,

291
00:15:12,028 --> 00:15:14,395
She refuses to use
the word woman.

292
00:15:17,634 --> 00:15:22,053
And instead she prefers
the term chest feeders.

293
00:15:24,908 --> 00:15:26,257
Now it could be worse.

294
00:15:26,276 --> 00:15:27,659
Come on.

295
00:15:27,711 --> 00:15:28,793
You know, chest feeders.

296
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:32,013
Kind of sexy, kind of gross.

297
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,749
Ow.

298
00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:37,385
Front hole is another one.

299
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,771
Not very nice.

300
00:15:39,823 --> 00:15:42,090
Not to be outdone, the
legacy newspaper the new

301
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:44,609
York times will no
longer use the word

302
00:15:44,661 --> 00:15:46,511
Woman in their publication.

303
00:15:46,563 --> 00:15:53,201
Instead, they prefer to use
the term people who menstruate.

304
00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:55,803
And for some of
you older ladies,

305
00:15:55,855 --> 00:15:59,707
People who used to menstruate.

306
00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:01,476
We want to be inclusive.

307
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:04,896
It's a little bit longer,
ladies, but deal with it.

308
00:16:04,948 --> 00:16:05,964
No, this is serious.

309
00:16:06,016 --> 00:16:06,965
It's already in academia.

310
00:16:07,017 --> 00:16:08,883
It's already all
over social media.

311
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:10,618
You know, it's in politics.

312
00:16:10,687 --> 00:16:12,954
You know, if this thing
continues to spread,

313
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,989
The next time you go to a
nordstrom's, you're like,

314
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:20,478
Yeah, I'm trying to buy
some shoes for my wife.

315
00:16:20,530 --> 00:16:24,132
Am I in the right place
in the shoe department

316
00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:28,336
For the people who menstruate?

317
00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:31,406
These shoes look a
little big, you know.

318
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:33,541
I feel like I'm in the shoe
department for the people

319
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,410
With outside pussies.

320
00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:44,352
Ball, the sack,
the dick, you know.

321
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:45,203
Ok.

322
00:16:49,859 --> 00:16:50,758
I know you guys laugh.

323
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:51,559
Ha, ha, ha.

324
00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:52,493
It's not going to affect me.

325
00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:56,681
We live in the greater
tampa bay area.

326
00:16:56,733 --> 00:16:58,899
Let me tell you,
let me tell you,

327
00:16:58,901 --> 00:17:01,235
Someday you're going to have
to fly out of that airport

328
00:17:01,287 --> 00:17:04,455
In tampa bay to get
to another airport,

329
00:17:04,507 --> 00:17:07,358
So you can get to where you
really want to fucking go.

330
00:17:07,410 --> 00:17:09,027
I'm saying, let's be honest.

331
00:17:11,981 --> 00:17:13,131
Here it is, though, man.

332
00:17:13,183 --> 00:17:15,099
There's only like
three airlines left.

333
00:17:15,151 --> 00:17:16,701
I don't count
southwest or spirit.

334
00:17:16,753 --> 00:17:19,220
There's like three.

335
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:21,272
You know, delta, american.

336
00:17:21,324 --> 00:17:23,574
Well, the biggest,
united airlines,

337
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:27,745
The ceo of united airlines,
last month, the ceo,

338
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:30,932
He announced of all the hiring
for all the new pilots that are

339
00:17:30,984 --> 00:17:33,084
Coming up this year, all the
hiring for the new pilots,

340
00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:37,171
The main focus is
going to be diversity.

341
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:38,005
What?

342
00:17:41,544 --> 00:17:43,277
Diversity?

343
00:17:43,329 --> 00:17:46,981
Not the best pilots
you can find?

344
00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:51,502
The ones with the most
hours and experience?

345
00:17:51,554 --> 00:17:52,787
The ones who've done it before?

346
00:17:57,811 --> 00:17:59,827
Nope, diversity.

347
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:02,080
I don't know about you, but
I'm sick and tired of flying

348
00:18:02,132 --> 00:18:05,366
All the time with these
white pilots, landing safely

349
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,785
And on time.

350
00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:08,636
Boring.

351
00:18:13,643 --> 00:18:17,478
I want diversity when I fly.

352
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:20,748
I want a guy up in the
cockpit with, sorry,

353
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,951
Pussy pit up there, you know.

354
00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:26,220
Purple haired and an
outside pussy up there,

355
00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:29,023
You know, next to some
puerto rican midget

356
00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:31,893
With no sense of direction.

357
00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:48,576
(speaks spanish) I want
diversity when I fly.

358
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:51,129
I want a pilot who says,
we're going down in three

359
00:18:51,181 --> 00:18:52,513
Different fucking languages.

360
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:53,364
I want to--

361
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,337
And listen, I have a lot
of faith in generation z,

362
00:18:59,389 --> 00:19:01,706
I do, for absolutely no reason.

363
00:19:01,758 --> 00:19:05,543
I have a lot of faith
in them, I do, I do.

364
00:19:05,595 --> 00:19:07,411
It's our fault,
what's happening,

365
00:19:07,463 --> 00:19:10,531
It is, because we have to be
specific with these people.

366
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:12,533
When we were younger,
we could be vague.

367
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:14,418
These people, you
can't just tell them,

368
00:19:14,470 --> 00:19:16,020
You could be anything
you want because they'll

369
00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:17,171
Take it too far.

370
00:19:17,223 --> 00:19:18,239
They'll take it way too far.

371
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,944
You can't just say, you
can be anything you want.

372
00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:24,011
I don't want to be a horsey.

373
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:27,949
I want to be a wizard.

374
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:29,116
It's just a fucking movie.

375
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:31,118
Stop it.

376
00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:32,653
I want to be a girl.

377
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:35,356
I want to be a girl.

378
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:36,424
Don't cut your dick off.

379
00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:37,225
Don't cut it off.

380
00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:38,659
Seriously, don't.

381
00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:41,045
No, no, no, no,
just hang in there.

382
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:43,130
In a couple of years, you're
going to find a really

383
00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:44,565
Fun place to stick that thing.

384
00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:48,019
Seriously, it's hanging.

385
00:19:48,071 --> 00:19:49,320
Don't do that.

386
00:19:57,180 --> 00:20:00,131
For 25 years, I rang yeah.

387
00:20:00,183 --> 00:20:01,199
Thank you, adam sandler.

388
00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:05,753
I love you too.

389
00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:07,838
But we fucked up at
these-- thank you.

390
00:20:11,694 --> 00:20:14,428
I'm a traditional
liberal, which makes

391
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,480
Me a right wing fascist now.

392
00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:20,550
It does, automatically.

393
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:24,405
You know, if you're for
things like free speech,

394
00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:28,926
Or women's rights,
or equal rights,

395
00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:31,445
Don't judge a person by
the color of their skin.

396
00:20:31,497 --> 00:20:33,397
Now they want you
to judge somebody

397
00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:36,067
By the color of their skin.

398
00:20:36,119 --> 00:20:39,570
If you're white, you're
automatically racist, you know.

399
00:20:39,622 --> 00:20:40,354
It's like, what?

400
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:41,739
Yeah, you're white.

401
00:20:41,791 --> 00:20:42,540
You're racist.

402
00:20:42,592 --> 00:20:43,341
Really?

403
00:20:43,393 --> 00:20:44,342
I don't feel racist.

404
00:20:44,394 --> 00:20:47,311
Well, because you're-- that's
how fucking racist you are.

405
00:20:47,313 --> 00:20:49,363
Here's a racist.

406
00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:57,855
Check out this asshole not
realizing how racist he is.

407
00:20:57,907 --> 00:21:01,626
I'm half white and half
asian , trying to figure

408
00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:04,495
Out which part of
me is discriminating

409
00:21:04,547 --> 00:21:05,663
Against the other part.

410
00:21:08,568 --> 00:21:14,855
My dick is asian,
I'm positive, 100%.

411
00:21:14,907 --> 00:21:16,507
Well, my balls
look kind of white.

412
00:21:16,559 --> 00:21:19,577
They look kind of
white, you know.

413
00:21:19,629 --> 00:21:22,463
And I think my balls have been
discriminating against my dick,

414
00:21:22,515 --> 00:21:24,198
I do, they do.

415
00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:29,370
You're making us look
bad up there, raul.

416
00:21:29,422 --> 00:21:33,941
I don't know the filipino.

417
00:21:34,010 --> 00:21:37,511
You can cut that part.

418
00:21:37,563 --> 00:21:38,312
Listen.

419
00:21:38,364 --> 00:21:39,513
Hey, look.

420
00:21:39,565 --> 00:21:41,699
It's just, it's going
to take compassion.

421
00:21:41,751 --> 00:21:43,834
It's going to take
compassion, you know.

422
00:21:43,886 --> 00:21:45,953
I mean, it's not
easy being a liberal.

423
00:21:46,005 --> 00:21:46,804
It's not.

424
00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:49,607
It's sad.

425
00:21:52,962 --> 00:22:01,352
You see them alone in their
cars with their masks on.

426
00:22:10,747 --> 00:22:12,580
I don't want to give
covid to myself.

427
00:22:15,935 --> 00:22:18,419
Hey , you in the other
car, my mask only

428
00:22:18,471 --> 00:22:20,121
Works when you're wearing one.

429
00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:32,717
I've got nothing against
masks, seriously.

430
00:22:32,769 --> 00:22:34,568
I mean, for some people, it
was the best thing that ever

431
00:22:34,620 --> 00:22:36,070
Happened for two fucking years.

432
00:22:36,122 --> 00:22:38,823
Seriously, seriously.

433
00:22:38,875 --> 00:22:41,525
You know who I'm talking about.

434
00:22:41,577 --> 00:22:44,612
People with really sexy
eyes but a fucked up grille.

435
00:22:44,664 --> 00:22:50,885
They're like, what?

436
00:22:53,523 --> 00:22:55,756
I'll put the mask back
on, so you can fuck me.

437
00:22:55,808 --> 00:22:57,074
Yeah, no problem.

438
00:22:57,126 --> 00:22:58,292
No, going on right now.

439
00:22:58,344 --> 00:22:59,143
Yeah.

440
00:23:05,635 --> 00:23:07,785
I'll look back at you,
but I'll keep the mask on.

441
00:23:10,406 --> 00:23:11,188
Good one.

442
00:23:15,545 --> 00:23:19,597
I knew this country was in
trouble when I went to a bank,

443
00:23:19,649 --> 00:23:22,867
And the guard at the bank
was like, excuse me, sir.

444
00:23:22,919 --> 00:23:24,068
You're in a bank.

445
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,002
You have to wear a mask.

446
00:23:29,826 --> 00:23:32,143
Well, you guys did a whole
180 on that motherfucker,

447
00:23:32,195 --> 00:23:32,993
Didn't you?

448
00:23:37,250 --> 00:23:39,483
The last 100 years, you
wore a mask in the bank,

449
00:23:39,535 --> 00:23:41,786
You were the bad guy.

450
00:23:41,838 --> 00:23:42,820
All right, here you go.

451
00:23:42,872 --> 00:23:43,854
Give me all your fucking money.

452
00:23:43,906 --> 00:23:44,704
Let's go.

453
00:23:44,706 --> 00:23:47,041
Let's fucking-- this was
going to be a deposit.

454
00:23:47,093 --> 00:23:47,892
Now it's a robbery.

455
00:23:54,250 --> 00:23:55,516
I got winded just
doing that, and I'm

456
00:23:55,568 --> 00:23:56,500
So fucking out of shape.

457
00:24:00,156 --> 00:24:02,456
But I was in los
angeles last summer,

458
00:24:02,508 --> 00:24:06,360
And they still had the mask
thing in stores, you know.

459
00:24:06,412 --> 00:24:07,578
And so I walked in.

460
00:24:07,630 --> 00:24:11,098
And usually, I wore my mask this
way because most of my germs

461
00:24:11,150 --> 00:24:12,082
Come out of my chin.

462
00:24:12,135 --> 00:24:12,950
Just sort of.

463
00:24:17,957 --> 00:24:19,707
So I walked into a store,
and there was somebody

464
00:24:19,759 --> 00:24:20,774
Working, which is great.

465
00:24:20,827 --> 00:24:22,460
You know, anybody working
anywhere, you know.

466
00:24:22,512 --> 00:24:25,546
And you just happy, like,
oh, fuck, it's open.

467
00:24:25,598 --> 00:24:28,566
Shit, all right.

468
00:24:28,618 --> 00:24:29,633
So anyway, I walked in.

469
00:24:29,635 --> 00:24:30,968
And you know, she's
just doing her job.

470
00:24:31,020 --> 00:24:31,769
You can't get mad.

471
00:24:31,821 --> 00:24:33,420
But she came up to me
and said, excuse me, sir.

472
00:24:33,473 --> 00:24:34,522
I need to put your mask on.

473
00:24:34,557 --> 00:24:38,476
Sir, I need to put your--
sir, need to put your mask on.

474
00:24:38,528 --> 00:24:39,310
It's a little aggressive.

475
00:24:39,362 --> 00:24:41,829
But you know, she's just
doing her job, you know.

476
00:24:41,881 --> 00:24:44,498
But then she added
these two words.

477
00:24:44,550 --> 00:24:51,372
Sir, I need to put your mask
on for me, for me, for me.

478
00:24:51,424 --> 00:24:54,408
And I was like, oh, for you?

479
00:24:57,113 --> 00:24:59,313
Ok, show me your tits.

480
00:25:03,002 --> 00:25:06,820
For me, for me, for me.

481
00:25:10,643 --> 00:25:11,892
We're all in this together.

482
00:25:16,616 --> 00:25:17,581
I'll put the mask on.

483
00:25:17,633 --> 00:25:19,667
You let me see those floppy
things under your sweater.

484
00:25:19,719 --> 00:25:20,467
We're all in it.

485
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:21,735
We're all.

486
00:25:21,787 --> 00:25:24,872
Everybody wins, everybody.

487
00:25:24,924 --> 00:25:25,673
The fuck?

488
00:25:25,725 --> 00:25:27,174
We're all in this together.

489
00:25:27,226 --> 00:25:28,325
We're not all in this together.

490
00:25:28,377 --> 00:25:29,126
I'm sorry.

491
00:25:29,178 --> 00:25:30,344
I want you to do good.

492
00:25:30,396 --> 00:25:31,896
We're not all in this together.

493
00:25:31,948 --> 00:25:32,696
I'm sorry.

494
00:25:32,748 --> 00:25:36,166
Like, when I moved last
year, none of you fuckers

495
00:25:36,219 --> 00:25:38,235
Showed up to help me with
the couch or anything.

496
00:25:38,287 --> 00:25:39,103
You didn't.

497
00:25:39,155 --> 00:25:39,904
Why?

498
00:25:39,956 --> 00:25:41,238
Because we're not
all in this together.

499
00:25:41,290 --> 00:25:42,439
Your problems are your problems.

500
00:25:42,491 --> 00:25:44,174
My problems are fucking
my problems, you know?

501
00:25:44,227 --> 00:25:46,544
I'm sorry, it's not my
job, you're prediabetic,

502
00:25:46,596 --> 00:25:49,063
For me to run around the fucking
grocery store knocking donuts

503
00:25:49,115 --> 00:25:49,964
Out of your fucking mouth.

504
00:25:50,049 --> 00:25:50,814
You're on your own.

505
00:25:54,537 --> 00:25:55,336
I got you, pal.

506
00:26:02,061 --> 00:26:02,943
I don't know what that means.

507
00:26:02,995 --> 00:26:03,894
I don't know what it means.

508
00:26:09,785 --> 00:26:11,268
Traditional liberalism.

509
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,971
You know, women's
rights, gay rights.

510
00:26:14,023 --> 00:26:14,755
Gay rights.

511
00:26:14,807 --> 00:26:16,490
Well, first of all, gay
rights were the civil rights

512
00:26:16,542 --> 00:26:17,775
Of the '70s, '80s, and '90s.

513
00:26:17,827 --> 00:26:18,576
They just were.

514
00:26:18,628 --> 00:26:20,144
You know, and this is
the freest country.

515
00:26:20,196 --> 00:26:21,812
These are our neighbors,
our brothers and sisters.

516
00:26:21,864 --> 00:26:24,682
These are people that deserve
to be free in the freest country

517
00:26:24,734 --> 00:26:25,482
In the world.

518
00:26:25,534 --> 00:26:26,817
I mean, there was
actually an anti--

519
00:26:26,869 --> 00:26:27,668
Yes.

520
00:26:32,692 --> 00:26:35,743
There were anti-sodomy
laws in 37 states.

521
00:26:35,828 --> 00:26:36,910
Get that out of your mouth.

522
00:26:36,963 --> 00:26:40,481
In america, you know?

523
00:26:40,533 --> 00:26:43,701
Lesbians weren't allowed to
adopt in some states, you know.

524
00:26:43,753 --> 00:26:46,003
And you know, people
were being discriminated

525
00:26:46,055 --> 00:26:48,272
Against by the basis of
their sexual orientation,

526
00:26:48,324 --> 00:26:49,073
Which was wrong.

527
00:26:49,125 --> 00:26:50,774
Luckily, they fought
for these things.

528
00:26:50,826 --> 00:26:51,992
And they got the big one.

529
00:26:52,044 --> 00:26:55,646
They got the big
one, gay marriage.

530
00:26:55,698 --> 00:26:56,497
Yeah.

531
00:26:59,418 --> 00:27:01,035
I was always for gay marriage.

532
00:27:01,087 --> 00:27:02,236
You know, I mean,
if they want to be

533
00:27:02,288 --> 00:27:04,538
Just as miserable as me, it
was like, go for it, you know.

534
00:27:08,794 --> 00:27:09,643
Jump in.

535
00:27:09,695 --> 00:27:13,097
But I just think what happened
was the gays won, thankfully.

536
00:27:13,149 --> 00:27:15,032
And they went to go live their
lives in the freest country

537
00:27:15,084 --> 00:27:15,966
In the history of the world.

538
00:27:16,018 --> 00:27:17,885
But they left the door
open a little bit,

539
00:27:17,937 --> 00:27:24,558
And the crazy gay people snuck
in with all the pronouns.

540
00:27:24,610 --> 00:27:27,678
And by the way, my
pronouns are he and ha,

541
00:27:27,730 --> 00:27:29,430
Just so everybody can start.

542
00:27:33,903 --> 00:27:34,835
You know, and, hey, listen.

543
00:27:34,887 --> 00:27:39,890
I'm from-- gay pride, yeah?

544
00:27:39,942 --> 00:27:42,176
Gay pride day, I'm all for it.

545
00:27:42,228 --> 00:27:46,530
I will say gay pride
month seems a little

546
00:27:46,582 --> 00:27:48,582
Pushy, to be honest with you.

547
00:27:48,668 --> 00:27:51,168
It's a month, you know.

548
00:27:51,220 --> 00:27:54,004
Four weeks in a row, you know.

549
00:27:54,056 --> 00:27:55,773
A month.

550
00:27:55,825 --> 00:27:56,724
We only get 12.

551
00:27:56,809 --> 00:27:59,610
Well, basically, 11 because it's
gay pride month again after 11.

552
00:28:02,815 --> 00:28:05,582
We get veterans day, a day.

553
00:28:05,634 --> 00:28:07,267
You know, veterans, you
fought for the country.

554
00:28:07,319 --> 00:28:08,068
It's over.

555
00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:08,936
Turn off the barbecue.

556
00:28:08,988 --> 00:28:09,753
Done, sorry.

557
00:28:09,805 --> 00:28:10,821
No, no, no.

558
00:28:10,873 --> 00:28:14,842
Veterans day, it's again now.

559
00:28:14,894 --> 00:28:23,767
Memorial-- memorial weekend.

560
00:28:23,819 --> 00:28:25,185
Memorial weekend,
yep, that's it.

561
00:28:25,237 --> 00:28:25,986
It's done.

562
00:28:26,038 --> 00:28:27,121
Sorry, it's Monday's over.

563
00:28:27,173 --> 00:28:28,372
Got to put the boat
back on the truck.

564
00:28:28,424 --> 00:28:29,540
Let's go.
Get the fuck out of here.

565
00:28:29,592 --> 00:28:31,091
Get out of the lake.
It's over.

566
00:28:31,143 --> 00:28:33,944
Memorial weekend, over.

567
00:28:33,996 --> 00:28:35,863
We got president's day.

568
00:28:35,915 --> 00:28:38,532
Abraham lincoln
freed the slaves.

569
00:28:38,584 --> 00:28:40,434
He kept the union together.

570
00:28:40,486 --> 00:28:44,271
Gets a day, not
even his own day.

571
00:28:44,323 --> 00:28:46,673
He has to share it
with george washington.

572
00:28:46,726 --> 00:28:48,225
He doesn't get a day, either.

573
00:28:48,277 --> 00:28:51,595
And he founded the
whole fucking country

574
00:28:51,647 --> 00:28:55,566
But washington has to
share it with lincoln.

575
00:28:55,584 --> 00:28:57,067
What if they want to
suck each other's dicks,

576
00:28:57,119 --> 00:28:58,318
They would have got a
whole fucking month.

577
00:28:58,370 --> 00:28:59,169
That's all I'm saying.

578
00:29:06,862 --> 00:29:08,378
No, no, come on.

579
00:29:08,431 --> 00:29:11,298
It's not possible because
lincoln was so tall.

580
00:29:20,743 --> 00:29:22,926
You know, conservatives,
you're freer.

581
00:29:22,978 --> 00:29:24,545
But you have to be careful.

582
00:29:24,597 --> 00:29:28,849
You can't just say whatever
you think on facebook.

583
00:29:28,901 --> 00:29:31,585
You get fired for that shit.

584
00:29:31,637 --> 00:29:35,656
If you have something crazy to
say like men can't have babies,

585
00:29:35,708 --> 00:29:36,857
Say it in person.

586
00:29:36,909 --> 00:29:39,443
You know what I'm saying?

587
00:29:39,495 --> 00:29:42,312
So there's some
plausible deniability.

588
00:29:42,364 --> 00:29:45,098
Otherwise, like, I never
said men can't have babies.

589
00:29:45,151 --> 00:29:47,167
I like my tech job, I do.

590
00:29:47,219 --> 00:29:48,886
I do.

591
00:29:48,938 --> 00:29:51,104
And I said they can
have a lot of babies

592
00:29:51,140 --> 00:29:54,808
Is what I actually said.

593
00:29:54,860 --> 00:29:56,443
Men can't have babies.

594
00:29:56,495 --> 00:29:57,244
I don't care.

595
00:29:57,296 --> 00:29:58,595
I don't care what--

596
00:29:58,647 --> 00:29:59,446
I don't care.

597
00:30:04,720 --> 00:30:06,036
I don't care what they say.

598
00:30:06,088 --> 00:30:07,421
I feel something.

599
00:30:07,473 --> 00:30:08,355
It's a turd.

600
00:30:08,357 --> 00:30:09,873
Ok, you can't.

601
00:30:09,925 --> 00:30:13,510
You can't, you can't.

602
00:30:13,562 --> 00:30:14,511
Take some metamucil.

603
00:30:14,563 --> 00:30:16,180
This problem is going
to work its way out.

604
00:30:20,352 --> 00:30:21,101
You're freer.

605
00:30:21,153 --> 00:30:22,886
But if you're a liberal,
you're scared all the time

606
00:30:22,938 --> 00:30:24,271
Because you never know
where they're going

607
00:30:24,323 --> 00:30:26,306
To go after you, because
you have to buy into all

608
00:30:26,358 --> 00:30:29,259
The ideology or you're out.

609
00:30:29,311 --> 00:30:31,445
You know, 2 plus 2 equals 4.

610
00:30:31,497 --> 00:30:32,679
Maybe.

611
00:30:32,731 --> 00:30:33,480
What?

612
00:30:33,532 --> 00:30:36,216
Maybe, what?

613
00:30:36,268 --> 00:30:37,901
That could be racist.

614
00:30:37,953 --> 00:30:40,304
What?

615
00:30:40,356 --> 00:30:41,972
What did the two say?

616
00:30:42,024 --> 00:30:42,890
Did the two say--

617
00:30:47,379 --> 00:30:49,162
You know who's under attack now?

618
00:30:49,215 --> 00:30:50,130
The l's.

619
00:30:50,182 --> 00:30:52,382
Lesbians are under attack.

620
00:30:52,434 --> 00:30:53,750
Yeah, no, look it up later.

621
00:30:53,802 --> 00:30:57,054
No, if you're a lesbian
and you refuse to date

622
00:30:57,106 --> 00:31:02,292
Or have relations with someone
who identifies as a lesbian

623
00:31:02,344 --> 00:31:09,032
But has a dick,
you are ridiculed

624
00:31:09,084 --> 00:31:17,357
Online as a genital
bigot, a genital racist.

625
00:31:17,409 --> 00:31:19,376
It's like, what?

626
00:31:19,428 --> 00:31:20,827
Leave the lesbians alone.

627
00:31:23,499 --> 00:31:27,718
Lesbians, lesbians got out
of the whole male genitalia

628
00:31:27,770 --> 00:31:29,136
Business a long
fucking time ago.

629
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:33,457
They didn't want
different genitalia.

630
00:31:33,509 --> 00:31:35,709
They wanted the same.

631
00:31:35,761 --> 00:31:38,328
They want to be left alone with
other lesbians to do the whole,

632
00:31:38,380 --> 00:31:39,179
You know.

633
00:31:51,327 --> 00:31:55,045
Scissor fucking and eating
pussy, I'll just say it.

634
00:31:55,097 --> 00:31:55,846
And I get it.

635
00:31:55,898 --> 00:31:56,730
Hey, look.

636
00:31:56,782 --> 00:31:57,531
I get it.

637
00:31:57,583 --> 00:32:01,051
I want to do the same thing.

638
00:32:01,103 --> 00:32:02,536
I don't know about the
scissor fucking part,

639
00:32:02,588 --> 00:32:03,353
But I'll try anything.

640
00:32:03,405 --> 00:32:04,154
I'll get it.

641
00:32:04,206 --> 00:32:08,208
All right, let me know
when you're done, honey.

642
00:32:11,046 --> 00:32:12,079
No, you get yours.

643
00:32:12,131 --> 00:32:13,013
Just get yours, honey.

644
00:32:13,065 --> 00:32:14,514
You get yours.

645
00:32:14,566 --> 00:32:16,633
No, my ass fell asleep
about four hours ago.

646
00:32:16,685 --> 00:32:18,135
You get yours.

647
00:32:18,187 --> 00:32:21,104
I love you, honey.

648
00:32:21,156 --> 00:32:22,923
Can you imagine
lesbians having to deal

649
00:32:22,975 --> 00:32:24,074
With this kind of harassment?

650
00:32:24,126 --> 00:32:24,875
Can you imagine?

651
00:32:24,927 --> 00:32:27,577
Like, come on.

652
00:32:27,630 --> 00:32:30,631
You're a lesbian.

653
00:32:30,683 --> 00:32:34,001
I identify as a lesbian.

654
00:32:34,053 --> 00:32:36,286
Let's just do what lesbians do.

655
00:32:36,288 --> 00:32:37,471
Come on.

656
00:32:37,523 --> 00:32:40,474
Suck my dick.

657
00:32:40,526 --> 00:32:42,326
Yes, please let me fuck you.

658
00:32:42,378 --> 00:32:44,161
Please let me fuck you
like a good lesbian.

659
00:32:44,213 --> 00:32:45,812
Please, please, come back,
come back, come back.

660
00:32:51,620 --> 00:32:53,603
You should take a drink
before this next fucking joke,

661
00:32:53,656 --> 00:32:54,621
Serious.

662
00:32:54,673 --> 00:32:56,189
This is a tough one.

663
00:33:06,068 --> 00:33:08,352
Here we go.

664
00:33:08,404 --> 00:33:14,725
98% of all straight
men refuse to perform

665
00:33:14,777 --> 00:33:17,878
Oral sex on a feminine penis.

666
00:33:26,321 --> 00:33:30,057
I'm sorry, but that 2% still
seems way too fucking high.

667
00:33:30,109 --> 00:33:32,843
Way too fucking high.

668
00:33:32,895 --> 00:33:34,761
It's me.

669
00:33:34,813 --> 00:33:37,731
I know what that is.

670
00:33:37,783 --> 00:33:39,800
That's a dick.

671
00:33:39,852 --> 00:33:40,901
Yeah, I got one.

672
00:33:40,953 --> 00:33:42,202
Yeah, I got one.

673
00:33:42,254 --> 00:33:43,003
I'm sorry.

674
00:33:43,055 --> 00:33:43,887
I'm straight over here.

675
00:33:43,939 --> 00:33:44,671
What?

676
00:33:44,723 --> 00:33:47,307
That's a feminine penis?

677
00:33:47,359 --> 00:33:49,142
Why didn't you say
so four hours ago?

678
00:33:49,194 --> 00:33:50,127
Give me that fucking thing.

679
00:33:50,179 --> 00:33:50,977
Ah, ah.

680
00:33:53,465 --> 00:33:57,084
Are these feminine
balls underneath there.

681
00:33:57,136 --> 00:33:58,735
I'll go to town on
those bad boys--

682
00:33:58,787 --> 00:33:59,636
I mean bad girls.

683
00:33:59,688 --> 00:34:00,487
Ah, ah.

684
00:34:07,696 --> 00:34:09,446
First of all, this is all
bullshit with the liberals

685
00:34:09,498 --> 00:34:10,313
And conservatives.

686
00:34:10,365 --> 00:34:13,717
That's just the device
they use to divide us.

687
00:34:13,769 --> 00:34:16,236
And so that's what
that's all it is.

688
00:34:16,288 --> 00:34:19,289
Seriously.

689
00:34:19,341 --> 00:34:22,025
When there was a flood a couple
of summers ago in houston,

690
00:34:22,077 --> 00:34:24,895
Texas, and when they took
the boats to go rescue people

691
00:34:24,947 --> 00:34:26,847
That were up on top
of their homes, here's

692
00:34:26,899 --> 00:34:28,014
What they didn't say.

693
00:34:28,067 --> 00:34:32,385
Are you a democrat or
republican up there?

694
00:34:32,438 --> 00:34:33,170
Democrat?

695
00:34:33,222 --> 00:34:34,504
Well, that fucking
boat's coming.

696
00:34:34,556 --> 00:34:36,022
Good luck with that one.

697
00:34:36,075 --> 00:34:37,407
It's a kayak.

698
00:34:37,459 --> 00:34:41,144
It's better for the environment.

699
00:34:41,196 --> 00:34:42,045
They said, get in the boat.

700
00:34:42,097 --> 00:34:44,131
So because we're all americans.

701
00:34:44,183 --> 00:34:45,298
We help each other
when we're down.

702
00:34:45,350 --> 00:34:46,399
Now I say that--

703
00:34:50,856 --> 00:34:59,980
I said, I voted
for trump in 2016.

704
00:35:00,032 --> 00:35:02,799
For some people, that's an
issue for some people, you know.

705
00:35:02,851 --> 00:35:05,084
I mean, first of
all, you know, I

706
00:35:05,086 --> 00:35:06,586
Was in-- it was in california.

707
00:35:06,638 --> 00:35:08,705
And you know, I had--

708
00:35:08,757 --> 00:35:10,674
I was right in the kitchen.

709
00:35:10,726 --> 00:35:11,792
Just right on my
kitchen counter,

710
00:35:11,844 --> 00:35:14,878
I had the ballot because
in california they mail

711
00:35:14,930 --> 00:35:16,129
You like a hundred of them.

712
00:35:16,181 --> 00:35:18,882
You get them there, you know.

713
00:35:18,934 --> 00:35:19,683
I was filling them.

714
00:35:19,735 --> 00:35:20,534
Not all of them.

715
00:35:20,586 --> 00:35:21,434
I'm not an asshole.

716
00:35:21,487 --> 00:35:23,920
But I was filling out, you
know, three or four or five

717
00:35:23,972 --> 00:35:25,505
At the most, that's all.

718
00:35:25,557 --> 00:35:30,527
Trump, trump,
trump, trump, trump.

719
00:35:30,579 --> 00:35:31,578
Because here's the thing.

720
00:35:31,630 --> 00:35:32,946
I know the guy, you know.

721
00:35:32,998 --> 00:35:36,666
I don't know him well, but I'm
the only person you're ever

722
00:35:36,718 --> 00:35:38,652
Going to be in the
same room with who

723
00:35:38,704 --> 00:35:40,804
Made a movie with donald trump.

724
00:35:40,856 --> 00:35:42,472
You know, home alone 2.

725
00:35:47,479 --> 00:35:48,512
We had to put him in it.

726
00:35:48,564 --> 00:35:49,362
It was his hotel.

727
00:35:52,217 --> 00:35:52,983
He's a big dude.

728
00:35:53,035 --> 00:35:56,987
He was just walking around in
front of the camera like eh.

729
00:35:57,039 --> 00:35:59,406
We're like, maybe if we put
him in it, he'll go away.

730
00:35:59,458 --> 00:36:00,457
And we did.

731
00:36:00,509 --> 00:36:03,560
And he did.

732
00:36:03,612 --> 00:36:06,046
But anyway, I didn't think
much about that after.

733
00:36:06,098 --> 00:36:09,282
So anyway, a few years
after that thing,

734
00:36:09,334 --> 00:36:10,667
I appeared with
him on-- remember

735
00:36:10,719 --> 00:36:13,420
When trump decided I'm
going to run for president

736
00:36:13,472 --> 00:36:14,403
And going to run.

737
00:36:14,405 --> 00:36:15,455
And then he was
going to do that.

738
00:36:15,507 --> 00:36:17,157
And then he didn't, you
know, for a bunch of times.

739
00:36:17,209 --> 00:36:18,542
This is one of the
times he didn't.

740
00:36:18,610 --> 00:36:21,811
So I was on the tonight
show and with trump.

741
00:36:21,864 --> 00:36:23,547
He was the first
guest with jay leno.

742
00:36:23,599 --> 00:36:24,814
And I'm backstage with jay.

743
00:36:24,867 --> 00:36:26,849
And he said, look,
you got any jokes

744
00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:30,937
About donald trump or anything?

745
00:36:30,989 --> 00:36:32,889
I said no.

746
00:36:32,941 --> 00:36:34,007
Nothing I want to say.

747
00:36:34,059 --> 00:36:34,841
No, you just say it.

748
00:36:34,893 --> 00:36:38,044
He said just say it,
you know, say it.

749
00:36:38,130 --> 00:36:39,379
You should just say the joke.

750
00:36:39,431 --> 00:36:40,180
You know, it's a joke.

751
00:36:40,232 --> 00:36:42,132
You know, he's got
to know it's a joke.

752
00:36:42,184 --> 00:36:43,200
He's going to know it's a joke.

753
00:36:43,252 --> 00:36:44,718
You know, we had
some fun with him.

754
00:36:44,770 --> 00:36:45,702
Have some fun.
You know, it's a joke.

755
00:36:48,373 --> 00:36:50,123
Anyway, so we're
doing the segment.

756
00:36:50,175 --> 00:36:52,709
And then jay leno sees
there's some extra time.

757
00:36:52,761 --> 00:36:56,947
And he says, what was that story
you were saying about trump?

758
00:36:56,999 --> 00:36:57,747
What were you saying?

759
00:36:57,799 --> 00:37:00,200
What was that about?

760
00:37:00,252 --> 00:37:03,320
You fucker, you.

761
00:37:03,372 --> 00:37:05,438
Fucked man.

762
00:37:05,490 --> 00:37:08,158
So then I had to
say it, you know.

763
00:37:08,210 --> 00:37:09,976
I was like, well, you know,
the difference between me

764
00:37:10,028 --> 00:37:13,964
And donald trump is
when I got started,

765
00:37:14,016 --> 00:37:17,817
My daddy didn't
give me $40 million.

766
00:37:17,869 --> 00:37:19,603
I swear to god, trump
looked right at me

767
00:37:19,655 --> 00:37:20,820
Like, that's not true.

768
00:37:20,872 --> 00:37:21,621
That's a lie.

769
00:37:21,673 --> 00:37:24,808
You're a liar, liar, liar.

770
00:37:24,860 --> 00:37:26,493
Liar.

771
00:37:26,545 --> 00:37:28,595
It's not true, it's not true.

772
00:37:28,630 --> 00:37:30,947
He's just lying.

773
00:37:30,999 --> 00:37:32,349
I was like, whatever.

774
00:37:32,401 --> 00:37:36,152
Just a few years after that--

775
00:37:36,204 --> 00:37:37,020
I don't know, five, seven.

776
00:37:37,072 --> 00:37:39,873
I don't know, 10 years after
it, I went through a divorce.

777
00:37:39,925 --> 00:37:41,474
And I was really depressed.

778
00:37:41,526 --> 00:37:43,410
And I wasn't leaving
my house or anything.

779
00:37:43,462 --> 00:37:45,095
My publicist was
worried about me.

780
00:37:45,147 --> 00:37:45,979
She said, listen.

781
00:37:46,031 --> 00:37:47,597
Just get out of your house.

782
00:37:47,649 --> 00:37:49,933
Just go to this, just
go to this event.

783
00:37:49,985 --> 00:37:51,134
They'll have your name.

784
00:37:51,186 --> 00:37:52,002
You'll have fun.

785
00:37:52,054 --> 00:37:52,802
Just, just go.

786
00:37:52,854 --> 00:37:55,322
Just, you need to get out.

787
00:37:55,374 --> 00:37:56,339
And I went to this place.

788
00:37:56,391 --> 00:37:57,874
And there's all these
people, and cars,

789
00:37:57,926 --> 00:37:59,643
And shit, and cameras.

790
00:37:59,695 --> 00:38:03,296
And I went up to the place and
said, yeah, I'm rob schneider.

791
00:38:03,348 --> 00:38:04,447
And she said, oh, yeah, yeah.

792
00:38:04,499 --> 00:38:05,298
Here you go.

793
00:38:05,300 --> 00:38:06,633
And she handed me this thing.

794
00:38:06,685 --> 00:38:09,836
And it said rob
schneider, judge.

795
00:38:09,888 --> 00:38:11,288
I said, what?

796
00:38:11,323 --> 00:38:13,039
What is this?

797
00:38:13,091 --> 00:38:15,942
It's the miss usa pageant.

798
00:38:15,994 --> 00:38:17,477
And I'm a judge.

799
00:38:17,529 --> 00:38:18,495
And you know who owns it?

800
00:38:18,547 --> 00:38:21,431
Donald trump owns the
whole fucking thing.

801
00:38:21,483 --> 00:38:23,300
You know how like rich guys,
with the rich, you know,

802
00:38:23,352 --> 00:38:24,317
They get like two homes.

803
00:38:24,369 --> 00:38:25,452
You know, and a
boat or something.

804
00:38:25,504 --> 00:38:27,103
You know, if you're really,
really, really rich,

805
00:38:27,155 --> 00:38:28,521
You get like a sports team.

806
00:38:28,573 --> 00:38:30,240
Or for donald trump,
it's like he really

807
00:38:30,292 --> 00:38:34,444
Wants to be like with ditz--

808
00:38:34,496 --> 00:38:37,364
Whatever, you know.

809
00:38:37,416 --> 00:38:38,832
So I get in my little thing.

810
00:38:38,884 --> 00:38:40,850
And then they whisk
me in the back room.

811
00:38:40,902 --> 00:38:41,651
You know, the back room.

812
00:38:41,703 --> 00:38:42,602
And donald trump comes in.

813
00:38:42,654 --> 00:38:44,304
And he says, hey, listen.

814
00:38:44,356 --> 00:38:46,072
Vote for whoever you want.

815
00:38:46,124 --> 00:38:47,474
I'm not going to tell
you who to vote for.

816
00:38:47,526 --> 00:38:48,892
Vote for who you want.

817
00:38:48,944 --> 00:38:49,843
I don't care.

818
00:38:49,895 --> 00:38:50,710
I'm not going to tell you.

819
00:38:50,762 --> 00:38:52,028
You vote for who you want.

820
00:38:52,030 --> 00:38:59,102
But, but if you love your
country like I love my country,

821
00:38:59,154 --> 00:39:01,054
If you love it, if, if
you love your country,

822
00:39:01,106 --> 00:39:04,607
If you're a patriot, then you're
going to vote for the blond

823
00:39:04,659 --> 00:39:07,811
From texas with big tits.

824
00:39:07,863 --> 00:39:08,611
Ok?

825
00:39:08,663 --> 00:39:11,564
Ok.

826
00:39:11,616 --> 00:39:13,333
Then america can
win miss universe.

827
00:39:13,385 --> 00:39:14,551
You want america to win, right?

828
00:39:14,603 --> 00:39:15,402
Vote who you want.

829
00:39:21,376 --> 00:39:23,393
So I was like, fuck, I'll
vote for whatever you want.

830
00:39:23,412 --> 00:39:25,345
I didn't even know I was
going to be here an hour ago,

831
00:39:25,397 --> 00:39:26,546
You know?

832
00:39:26,598 --> 00:39:28,631
It's like, I'd vote--
where do I fill it out?

833
00:39:28,683 --> 00:39:30,283
Can I go now, you know?

834
00:39:30,335 --> 00:39:33,536
And then we had to meet the
contestants who came in.

835
00:39:33,588 --> 00:39:35,555
It's like, all right, we know
who we're supposed to vote for.

836
00:39:35,607 --> 00:39:38,675
And then this other
contestant came in,

837
00:39:38,727 --> 00:39:42,545
And she was the opposite
of a blonde with big tits.

838
00:39:42,597 --> 00:39:45,565
She's the opposite of a
blonde, the other spectrum,

839
00:39:45,617 --> 00:39:47,033
Like over here, that.

840
00:39:47,085 --> 00:39:48,034
You know what I'm saying?

841
00:39:48,086 --> 00:39:51,304
So anyway, not-- so--

842
00:39:51,390 --> 00:39:52,405
And she came in
and said, listen,

843
00:39:52,457 --> 00:39:53,973
I didn't even want to do this.

844
00:39:54,025 --> 00:39:55,642
And I go, yeah?

845
00:39:55,694 --> 00:39:57,877
Yeah, I just like-- you know,
my friends told me I'm pretty.

846
00:39:57,929 --> 00:39:58,678
I should do it.

847
00:39:58,730 --> 00:39:59,479
Who knows?

848
00:39:59,531 --> 00:40:00,513
I might get lucky.

849
00:40:00,565 --> 00:40:04,367
I got one year more of medical
school, and if I win this,

850
00:40:04,419 --> 00:40:05,935
It's 100,000 bucks to
pay for medical school

851
00:40:05,987 --> 00:40:06,920
To become a doctor.

852
00:40:06,972 --> 00:40:10,023
And we're like, well, you know,
let's give it to her, you know?

853
00:40:10,075 --> 00:40:12,792
I mean, it's like-- it
doesn't make us better people.

854
00:40:12,844 --> 00:40:14,744
I mean, you guys would have
done the exact same thing.

855
00:40:14,796 --> 00:40:16,062
You would've done
the exact same thing.

856
00:40:16,114 --> 00:40:17,530
You know, the blonde
with the big tits

857
00:40:17,582 --> 00:40:20,316
Is-- she's going to find,
you know, a trump-- well,

858
00:40:20,368 --> 00:40:21,184
She really did find trump.

859
00:40:21,236 --> 00:40:21,985
She found the guy.

860
00:40:22,037 --> 00:40:22,936
He obviously-- he found her.

861
00:40:22,988 --> 00:40:25,555
You know, but this
girl, who can actually

862
00:40:25,607 --> 00:40:27,507
Help people in her life,
to become a doctor.

863
00:40:27,559 --> 00:40:30,376
So we voted, and she
won miss usa, you know?

864
00:40:30,429 --> 00:40:33,296
And so they took us back after,
and donald trump was not happy

865
00:40:33,348 --> 00:40:35,715
With the results of the vote.

866
00:40:38,670 --> 00:40:39,886
You don't love your country.

867
00:40:39,938 --> 00:40:40,687
You don't.

868
00:40:40,739 --> 00:40:41,971
You don't.

869
00:40:42,023 --> 00:40:45,625
You're a loser,
loser, loser, loser.

870
00:40:45,677 --> 00:40:46,793
Now we're going to lose.

871
00:40:46,845 --> 00:40:48,812
We're going to lose to china.

872
00:40:48,864 --> 00:40:50,897
We're going to lose to china.

873
00:40:50,949 --> 00:40:52,115
China.

874
00:40:52,167 --> 00:40:52,916
Loser.

875
00:40:52,968 --> 00:40:53,900
Thank you.

876
00:40:53,952 --> 00:40:55,135
You don't love your country.

877
00:40:55,187 --> 00:40:56,703
You don't.
I do.

878
00:40:56,755 --> 00:40:57,504
You don't.

879
00:40:57,572 --> 00:40:58,421
China.

880
00:40:58,473 --> 00:40:59,806
We're going to lose to china.

881
00:41:02,694 --> 00:41:05,728
So I was walking out of there,
you know, and I felt bad,

882
00:41:05,780 --> 00:41:06,696
You know?

883
00:41:06,748 --> 00:41:07,497
I felt bad.

884
00:41:07,549 --> 00:41:10,733
And I went up to him, and
I said, listen, donald, I--

885
00:41:10,785 --> 00:41:13,403
I'm sorry that you didn't
get the girl that you wanted.

886
00:41:13,455 --> 00:41:17,040
I know it seemed like it meant
a lot to you, and I'm sorry.

887
00:41:17,092 --> 00:41:25,181
But also, I'm sorry for that
joke I said about you on leno.

888
00:41:25,233 --> 00:41:25,982
And he looked at me.

889
00:41:26,034 --> 00:41:27,817
He said, what joke?

890
00:41:31,823 --> 00:41:33,006
It's not important.

891
00:41:33,058 --> 00:41:33,890
You know, you--

892
00:41:36,778 --> 00:41:37,810
No, I like jokes.

893
00:41:37,863 --> 00:41:39,596
What was the joke?

894
00:41:39,648 --> 00:41:41,865
Tell me the joke.

895
00:41:46,621 --> 00:41:48,071
Well, you didn't like
it the first time.

896
00:41:48,123 --> 00:41:49,973
You didn't, so.

897
00:41:50,025 --> 00:41:52,842
Tell me.

898
00:41:52,894 --> 00:41:56,329
It was just the
differences, you know?

899
00:41:56,381 --> 00:41:57,180
From what?

900
00:42:00,118 --> 00:42:02,919
Between you and me.

901
00:42:02,971 --> 00:42:05,722
Which is what?

902
00:42:05,774 --> 00:42:07,257
[giggles]

903
00:42:10,729 --> 00:42:14,047
My daddy didn't give me
$40 million to get started.

904
00:42:14,099 --> 00:42:16,182
You look, there was--

905
00:42:16,234 --> 00:42:17,467
I swear to god, he
looked right at me.

906
00:42:17,519 --> 00:42:20,470
He said, I hate you now.

907
00:42:20,522 --> 00:42:22,021
I do.

908
00:42:22,073 --> 00:42:23,339
I hate you.

909
00:42:23,391 --> 00:42:25,291
I hate you, loser, loser.

910
00:42:28,063 --> 00:42:28,978
China.

911
00:42:29,030 --> 00:42:32,365
I hate you, loser.

912
00:42:32,417 --> 00:42:35,768
And I was like, whatever.

913
00:42:35,820 --> 00:42:38,137
It's not like you're ever going
to be president of the united

914
00:42:38,189 --> 00:42:39,639
States or whatever.

915
00:42:47,465 --> 00:42:49,816
If joe biden was a dog,
you'd put him down.

916
00:42:49,834 --> 00:42:51,401
You would have to.

917
00:42:51,453 --> 00:42:52,418
You know?

918
00:43:03,515 --> 00:43:06,099
You know those dogs that
are so old and fucked up,

919
00:43:06,151 --> 00:43:09,352
They just look like,
please, kill me, please.

920
00:43:09,404 --> 00:43:11,387
Please, kill me.

921
00:43:11,439 --> 00:43:13,306
No, look at this eye snot.

922
00:43:13,358 --> 00:43:15,024
Please, kill me.

923
00:43:15,076 --> 00:43:18,661
Look, I just shit in my
own food bowl an hour ago.

924
00:43:18,713 --> 00:43:21,030
What more information
do you need?

925
00:43:21,082 --> 00:43:22,448
Please, kill me.

926
00:43:22,500 --> 00:43:23,299
Kill me.

927
00:43:26,655 --> 00:43:27,670
We're all in this together.

928
00:43:31,293 --> 00:43:33,409
Hey, listen, by the
way, just so you know,

929
00:43:33,461 --> 00:43:34,594
I would fuck a democrat.

930
00:43:34,646 --> 00:43:35,578
I would.

931
00:43:35,630 --> 00:43:36,562
I would.

932
00:43:36,615 --> 00:43:37,563
I would.

933
00:43:37,616 --> 00:43:40,316
I just wouldn't talk
about politics before.

934
00:43:40,368 --> 00:43:42,201
You know what I mean?

935
00:43:42,253 --> 00:43:43,169
You know?

936
00:43:43,221 --> 00:43:47,457
And so, right when I was
coming, I voted for trump.

937
00:43:47,509 --> 00:43:48,308
Yeah.

938
00:43:51,396 --> 00:43:52,195
Sorry.

939
00:43:57,552 --> 00:44:00,920
Sorry, it's a joke.

940
00:44:00,972 --> 00:44:05,875
So cut to 2016,
back in the kitchen,

941
00:44:05,927 --> 00:44:07,377
You know, where I'm voting.

942
00:44:07,429 --> 00:44:12,031
And my wife comes in.

943
00:44:12,100 --> 00:44:13,216
You vote for donald trump?

944
00:44:15,820 --> 00:44:20,089
17 times you vote for him?

945
00:44:20,141 --> 00:44:23,643
Do you know your
wife is a mexicana?

946
00:44:23,695 --> 00:44:26,229
Your daughters are mexicanas.

947
00:44:26,281 --> 00:44:28,297
Your family is from mexico.

948
00:44:28,350 --> 00:44:31,784
You vote for him, then
you're racist too.

949
00:44:31,836 --> 00:44:34,170
I'll never look at you
the same way again ever.

950
00:44:34,222 --> 00:44:36,105
I swear to god, four years
later, my wife's like,

951
00:44:36,174 --> 00:44:38,241
Fuck, I can't believe it,
but I'm voting for trump.

952
00:44:38,293 --> 00:44:41,411
Holy shit, let me tell you.

953
00:44:41,463 --> 00:44:44,130
I don't know.

954
00:44:44,182 --> 00:44:46,165
I am not a person
who menstruates.

955
00:44:46,217 --> 00:44:47,066
I'm a woman.

956
00:44:47,118 --> 00:44:48,084
I'm a [spanish].

957
00:44:53,224 --> 00:44:58,177
I think we're all still
recovering from post traumatic

958
00:44:58,229 --> 00:45:04,067
Scam-demic syndrome, you know?

959
00:45:04,119 --> 00:45:05,835
By the way, the chinese
are trying to kill us.

960
00:45:05,887 --> 00:45:07,336
They are.

961
00:45:07,389 --> 00:45:08,521
Forget about covid.

962
00:45:08,573 --> 00:45:10,423
Forget about that.

963
00:45:10,475 --> 00:45:12,208
They've been trying to
kill us since the '70s.

964
00:45:12,260 --> 00:45:14,944
Remember kung pao chicken,
how spicy that shit was?

965
00:45:14,996 --> 00:45:15,912
Remember?

966
00:45:15,964 --> 00:45:19,632
Yeah, trying to kill us.

967
00:45:19,667 --> 00:45:21,584
Yeah, it was scary because
we didn't know what

968
00:45:21,636 --> 00:45:22,702
Was happening at the beginning.

969
00:45:22,754 --> 00:45:25,171
You know, it was like, it's
just killing old people.

970
00:45:25,223 --> 00:45:25,955
We're good.

971
00:45:26,007 --> 00:45:28,024
We're good.

972
00:45:28,076 --> 00:45:29,792
And then you look at your phone.

973
00:45:29,844 --> 00:45:32,845
No, it's just killing people
who are really, really out

974
00:45:32,897 --> 00:45:35,214
Of shape.

975
00:45:35,266 --> 00:45:39,302
Wait, I'm really,
really out of shape.

976
00:45:39,354 --> 00:45:40,403
Wait a minute.

977
00:45:40,455 --> 00:45:43,556
This guy's parachute didn't
open, and he died of covid.

978
00:45:52,650 --> 00:45:53,833
Maybe that's how you get it.

979
00:45:53,885 --> 00:45:54,917
You know, you're falling.

980
00:45:54,969 --> 00:45:56,469
You're breathing
all that shit in.

981
00:46:02,143 --> 00:46:04,794
You see, when you're
in a place of fear,

982
00:46:04,813 --> 00:46:06,979
You know, your
common sense takes

983
00:46:07,031 --> 00:46:10,316
A back seat because your most
primal instinct is survival.

984
00:46:10,368 --> 00:46:11,751
Your common sense
takes a backseat.

985
00:46:11,803 --> 00:46:14,570
That's how they were able
to get away with this one.

986
00:46:14,622 --> 00:46:16,322
We're very lucky.

987
00:46:16,374 --> 00:46:18,641
We have a selective virus.

988
00:46:18,693 --> 00:46:19,876
Very lucky.

989
00:46:19,928 --> 00:46:21,077
Selective.

990
00:46:21,112 --> 00:46:24,747
You want to go to the gym, dead.

991
00:46:24,799 --> 00:46:26,666
Haircut, dead.

992
00:46:26,718 --> 00:46:28,251
Nails done, dead.

993
00:46:28,303 --> 00:46:29,202
Church, dead.

994
00:46:32,190 --> 00:46:33,556
You want to go to
target or walmart?

995
00:46:33,608 --> 00:46:34,307
Come on in.
You're good.

996
00:46:34,359 --> 00:46:35,107
Let's go.

997
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:37,460
Come on.

998
00:46:37,495 --> 00:46:38,911
Come on.

999
00:46:38,963 --> 00:46:42,181
The virus knows
you need some shit.

1000
00:46:42,233 --> 00:46:45,101
Standing up at a
restaurant dead.

1001
00:46:45,153 --> 00:46:47,103
Sit down at a restaurant,
the virus will go

1002
00:46:47,155 --> 00:46:48,087
Right over your fucking head.

1003
00:46:48,139 --> 00:46:49,188
Right over your head.

1004
00:46:52,994 --> 00:46:54,093
You feel that, honey?

1005
00:46:54,145 --> 00:46:55,561
That was the virus
going over the head.

1006
00:46:55,613 --> 00:46:56,913
Yeah.

1007
00:46:56,965 --> 00:46:58,214
Yeah, we're sitting down.

1008
00:46:58,266 --> 00:46:59,282
You respect us.

1009
00:47:02,937 --> 00:47:04,453
I thought the most
interesting thing

1010
00:47:04,506 --> 00:47:06,973
That happened
during the pandemic

1011
00:47:07,025 --> 00:47:09,492
Was right in the
middle when we weren't

1012
00:47:09,544 --> 00:47:10,843
Sure what was happening.

1013
00:47:10,895 --> 00:47:14,547
You know, this is a
real virus, you know,

1014
00:47:14,599 --> 00:47:18,050
Or this is the biggest transfer
of wealth in human history.

1015
00:47:18,102 --> 00:47:20,937
We weren't fucking sure
what was going to happen.

1016
00:47:20,989 --> 00:47:23,189
Weren't sure.

1017
00:47:23,241 --> 00:47:24,073
Right in the middle.

1018
00:47:24,125 --> 00:47:24,874
Right in the middle.

1019
00:47:24,926 --> 00:47:25,825
And you weren't sure.

1020
00:47:25,877 --> 00:47:29,011
You know, our own government,
the pentagon, the armed forces

1021
00:47:29,063 --> 00:47:32,048
Branch of our own government,
decided to release

1022
00:47:32,100 --> 00:47:38,120
Actual footage of an
unidentified flying object,

1023
00:47:38,172 --> 00:47:39,455
Admitting for the
first time something

1024
00:47:39,507 --> 00:47:42,241
Else they've been lying
about for 60 years,

1025
00:47:42,293 --> 00:47:47,263
That ufos are real,
that aliens exist.

1026
00:47:47,315 --> 00:47:51,634
Three minutes and 17 seconds,
this f-16 fighter pilot off

1027
00:47:51,686 --> 00:47:53,352
The coast of florida,
because all the weird shit

1028
00:47:53,404 --> 00:47:54,520
Always happens in florida--

1029
00:47:57,208 --> 00:48:02,995
And the f-16 videotape
this alien craft.

1030
00:48:03,047 --> 00:48:06,315
He seemed to be doing
unbelievable gravity defying

1031
00:48:06,367 --> 00:48:09,151
Moves beyond our
human comprehension,

1032
00:48:09,203 --> 00:48:12,538
And technology seemed
like the craft was

1033
00:48:12,590 --> 00:48:14,156
Making the space
move out of the way

1034
00:48:14,208 --> 00:48:15,474
So the space could move into it.

1035
00:48:15,526 --> 00:48:17,159
Then after three
minutes and 17 seconds,

1036
00:48:17,211 --> 00:48:20,196
It took off at 20,000 miles
an hour into the solar system,

1037
00:48:20,248 --> 00:48:22,765
Never to be seen again.

1038
00:48:22,817 --> 00:48:24,750
And they released
this to all of us,

1039
00:48:24,802 --> 00:48:29,138
This footage saying,
yes, ufos are real.

1040
00:48:29,190 --> 00:48:30,189
Aliens exist.

1041
00:48:30,241 --> 00:48:35,244
They released it to all of
us, and nobody gave a shit.

1042
00:48:35,296 --> 00:48:36,412
Nobody cared.

1043
00:48:36,464 --> 00:48:40,766
People are like,
aliens are real?

1044
00:48:40,818 --> 00:48:42,368
Do they have any toilet paper?

1045
00:48:46,573 --> 00:48:47,673
Because I need toilet paper.

1046
00:48:50,628 --> 00:48:54,196
But anyway, my wife, though, the
best thing that ever happened

1047
00:48:54,248 --> 00:48:57,984
To me, patricia, she said--

1048
00:48:58,036 --> 00:49:01,487
She said to me, listen.

1049
00:49:01,539 --> 00:49:03,923
It's the pandemia.

1050
00:49:03,975 --> 00:49:08,527
You're not making any movies
with adam sandler right now.

1051
00:49:08,579 --> 00:49:11,197
You have time on your hands.

1052
00:49:11,249 --> 00:49:14,734
You're not playing a hawaiian
guy in any movie right now.

1053
00:49:14,786 --> 00:49:17,520
This one my good eye.

1054
00:49:17,572 --> 00:49:19,989
Hey, kikkikukalaw, get your
butt out of the dishwasher.

1055
00:49:25,813 --> 00:49:28,648
Shark only bite you when you try
to touch their private parts.

1056
00:49:32,153 --> 00:49:34,737
Aquariums make me super horny.

1057
00:49:34,789 --> 00:49:36,072
I'm sorry.

1058
00:49:36,124 --> 00:49:38,357
You're not doing
that movie right now.

1059
00:49:38,409 --> 00:49:41,243
You're not playing a gigolo
in a movie right now either.

1060
00:49:43,865 --> 00:49:47,700
That's a huge bitch,
which was-- it's true.

1061
00:49:47,752 --> 00:49:48,551
This is a true story.

1062
00:49:52,390 --> 00:49:55,307
I was at the airport, and a
professional female basketball

1063
00:49:55,360 --> 00:49:56,158
Player came up to me.

1064
00:49:56,177 --> 00:49:57,610
She said, mr. Schneider.

1065
00:49:57,662 --> 00:49:58,494
Hello.

1066
00:49:58,546 --> 00:49:59,328
Yeah?

1067
00:50:02,550 --> 00:50:04,834
I just want you to know,
ever since that movie, "deuce

1068
00:50:04,886 --> 00:50:06,869
Bigelow," came out,
I've never been

1069
00:50:06,921 --> 00:50:10,072
Able to walk through the airport
without somebody yelling out

1070
00:50:10,124 --> 00:50:11,407
"that's a huge bitch" to me.

1071
00:50:18,699 --> 00:50:20,683
I didn't know that joke
would leave the movie.

1072
00:50:20,735 --> 00:50:22,234
I didn't think, you know--

1073
00:50:22,286 --> 00:50:23,669
I thought it would
stay in the movie.

1074
00:50:23,721 --> 00:50:25,705
I didn't know, but I'm sorry.

1075
00:50:25,740 --> 00:50:27,823
I'm sorry.

1076
00:50:27,875 --> 00:50:29,558
I couldn't help it, but she
was getting on the plane

1077
00:50:29,610 --> 00:50:31,427
Like, freak, behemoth,
keep it in the circuit.

1078
00:50:34,832 --> 00:50:36,048
I did not do that.

1079
00:50:36,100 --> 00:50:36,849
I didn't have to.

1080
00:50:36,901 --> 00:50:38,300
Other people did it for me.

1081
00:50:38,352 --> 00:50:41,137
They did, because they saw
the movie, I guess, too.

1082
00:50:43,708 --> 00:50:46,692
Do you have time on
your hands right now?

1083
00:50:46,744 --> 00:50:49,578
You're not playing any
girls in any movies either.

1084
00:50:52,934 --> 00:50:54,533
Hey, bro, it's me, jessica.

1085
00:51:01,042 --> 00:51:03,809
I'm in here.

1086
00:51:03,861 --> 00:51:07,263
I remember when you
moved here from arkansas.

1087
00:51:07,315 --> 00:51:11,333
Everybody threw rocks at you
because you talked funny.

1088
00:51:11,385 --> 00:51:14,603
Your front teeth were brown.

1089
00:51:14,655 --> 00:51:17,022
I'm your only friend.

1090
00:51:17,075 --> 00:51:21,994
Billy, I should have made love
to you when I had the chance.

1091
00:51:24,982 --> 00:51:26,198
Father mulcahy?

1092
00:51:26,250 --> 00:51:29,301
Well, my favorite
line in the movie

1093
00:51:29,353 --> 00:51:31,103
Is you think you're
so cool because you

1094
00:51:31,155 --> 00:51:32,171
Could pee with your penis.

1095
00:51:35,626 --> 00:51:39,044
Can I get a sex on the beach
with extra sugar on the rim?

1096
00:51:39,097 --> 00:51:39,895
Yum.

1097
00:51:42,967 --> 00:51:45,201
Sorry, that was too long.

1098
00:51:45,253 --> 00:51:48,137
I could do the whole
movie, but I shouldn't.

1099
00:51:48,189 --> 00:51:53,209
My wife said, you have--
you have time right now.

1100
00:51:53,261 --> 00:51:55,961
You need to get a vasectomy.

1101
00:51:56,013 --> 00:52:00,032
Vasectomy, b-a-s-e-t-o-m-y,
"bah-sec-tuh-me,"

1102
00:52:00,084 --> 00:52:01,550
Snippy snippy time.

1103
00:52:01,602 --> 00:52:02,401
[spanish]

1104
00:52:05,339 --> 00:52:06,956
The baby factory, closed.

1105
00:52:07,008 --> 00:52:08,023
No [spanish].

1106
00:52:08,075 --> 00:52:09,175
No more girls.

1107
00:52:09,243 --> 00:52:11,594
Snippy snippy time.

1108
00:52:11,646 --> 00:52:12,845
And so I'll be honest with you.

1109
00:52:12,897 --> 00:52:14,747
You know, I-- yeah, I did it.

1110
00:52:14,799 --> 00:52:18,284
And I just-- you
know, first of all,

1111
00:52:18,336 --> 00:52:21,070
It's a much simpler
operation for us guys

1112
00:52:21,122 --> 00:52:23,455
To get a vasectomy
than it is for women

1113
00:52:23,524 --> 00:52:24,657
To get their tubes tied.

1114
00:52:24,709 --> 00:52:27,226
I mean, even though technically
it's her fucking job.

1115
00:52:37,054 --> 00:52:38,754
I know you're like,
huh, what the fuck?

1116
00:52:41,475 --> 00:52:47,313
Anyway, so-- so--
and by the way,

1117
00:52:47,365 --> 00:52:50,132
It's a very intimate
procedure, the vasectomy.

1118
00:52:50,218 --> 00:52:52,701
You know, holy fuck.

1119
00:52:55,489 --> 00:52:57,122
Not distracting at all.

1120
00:52:57,175 --> 00:52:58,390
Don't worry about it.

1121
00:52:58,459 --> 00:52:59,408
No.

1122
00:52:59,460 --> 00:53:04,380
Audience is totally like, it's
going to kill him, I think.

1123
00:53:04,432 --> 00:53:06,599
Maybe it'll fucking hit him,
and then we'll get on the news.

1124
00:53:12,790 --> 00:53:16,876
Anyway, it's a very
unsubtle camera move.

1125
00:53:16,928 --> 00:53:17,810
It's all I'm saying.

1126
00:53:21,032 --> 00:53:24,200
Anyway, so I did it.

1127
00:53:24,252 --> 00:53:27,670
And by the way, there's very
few, you know, complications,

1128
00:53:27,722 --> 00:53:29,221
But I will go into them now.

1129
00:53:31,909 --> 00:53:35,694
It's a very sensitive, a
very intimate procedure.

1130
00:53:35,746 --> 00:53:39,298
You know, a vasectomy requires
another man to have his hands

1131
00:53:39,350 --> 00:53:44,253
On your balls for an hour.

1132
00:53:44,305 --> 00:53:47,106
That's a long time to make
eye contact, you know?

1133
00:53:56,334 --> 00:53:58,300
One of the weird things about
being famous, or whatever I am,

1134
00:53:58,352 --> 00:54:00,202
You know, you meet
people I probably

1135
00:54:00,254 --> 00:54:01,637
Wouldn't if I wasn't, you know?

1136
00:54:01,689 --> 00:54:03,072
And so I had a friend of mine.

1137
00:54:03,124 --> 00:54:05,074
I met the friend at
some charity function.

1138
00:54:05,126 --> 00:54:06,942
He's the chief of surgery.

1139
00:54:06,994 --> 00:54:08,377
You know, like we
stayed friends,

1140
00:54:08,429 --> 00:54:10,229
And then he moved
out to milwaukee.

1141
00:54:10,281 --> 00:54:12,331
And so I said, honey, if
I have to have another man

1142
00:54:12,383 --> 00:54:14,466
With his hands on my
balls for an hour,

1143
00:54:14,518 --> 00:54:16,952
Can it at least be someone
I've had dinner with?

1144
00:54:21,542 --> 00:54:22,291
There's your wine.

1145
00:54:22,343 --> 00:54:23,559
Robbie, you good with the wine?

1146
00:54:23,611 --> 00:54:26,561
Oh, yeah.

1147
00:54:26,563 --> 00:54:29,648
So my wife was happy to get rid
of me for the whole procedure.

1148
00:54:29,700 --> 00:54:32,167
And she had me fly
out to milwaukee

1149
00:54:32,219 --> 00:54:33,969
Because that's where
dr. Salameh is.

1150
00:54:34,021 --> 00:54:36,071
And he's such a nice guy.

1151
00:54:36,123 --> 00:54:37,339
He picked me up at the airport.

1152
00:54:37,391 --> 00:54:40,492
The chief of surgery picking
you up at the airport, you know?

1153
00:54:40,544 --> 00:54:42,678
And then he drove me right
to the surgical room, not

1154
00:54:42,730 --> 00:54:44,847
Operating room,
just surgical room,

1155
00:54:44,899 --> 00:54:47,232
Literally just a room with
a chair that goes, nyeah.

1156
00:54:51,289 --> 00:54:53,222
And then he said, so did
you read some of the stuff

1157
00:54:53,274 --> 00:54:54,189
I sent you?

1158
00:54:54,241 --> 00:54:55,708
And I said, no.

1159
00:54:55,760 --> 00:54:58,160
No, I didn't.

1160
00:54:58,212 --> 00:55:00,896
I didn't want to get freaked
out by anything, you know?

1161
00:55:00,948 --> 00:55:04,300
I figured, if it was
important, you'd tell me.

1162
00:55:04,352 --> 00:55:05,634
You will tell me, right?

1163
00:55:05,686 --> 00:55:07,870
You would tell me.

1164
00:55:07,922 --> 00:55:09,588
And he said, ok, first
thing we're going to do

1165
00:55:09,640 --> 00:55:14,209
Is I'm going to put some
numbing cream on your scrotum.

1166
00:55:14,261 --> 00:55:16,879
And then I'm going to give you
a shot between your testicles

1167
00:55:16,931 --> 00:55:18,497
Now.

1168
00:55:18,549 --> 00:55:19,898
You will feel that.

1169
00:55:23,454 --> 00:55:25,087
But then after that, it's
just going to be slightly

1170
00:55:25,139 --> 00:55:28,223
Uncomfortable, you know,
like somebody digging

1171
00:55:28,275 --> 00:55:30,142
Around in your scrotum
looking for stuff.

1172
00:55:32,797 --> 00:55:34,546
Probably never had
anybody do that before.

1173
00:55:34,598 --> 00:55:36,415
You know, you're
like, how would I?

1174
00:55:36,467 --> 00:55:39,435
How would that
come up, you know?

1175
00:55:39,487 --> 00:55:41,537
And I was like, ow, ow, ow.

1176
00:55:41,589 --> 00:55:42,371
What was that?

1177
00:55:42,423 --> 00:55:43,956
He said, that's just
the numbing cream.

1178
00:55:47,862 --> 00:55:49,678
Well, you must have a
callus on your finger

1179
00:55:49,697 --> 00:55:55,117
Then, because that hurt
like a motherfucker.

1180
00:55:58,706 --> 00:56:03,192
And then he gave me a
shot between my balls.

1181
00:56:03,244 --> 00:56:06,028
Let me tell you something.

1182
00:56:06,080 --> 00:56:11,183
When you get a shot
between your balls,

1183
00:56:11,235 --> 00:56:14,453
You will put down your
fucking phone at that.

1184
00:56:14,505 --> 00:56:16,422
Yeah, you will.

1185
00:56:16,474 --> 00:56:18,657
Oh!

1186
00:56:18,709 --> 00:56:20,342
Wow.

1187
00:56:20,394 --> 00:56:22,711
You have my complete attention.

1188
00:56:22,763 --> 00:56:25,497
Wow.

1189
00:56:25,549 --> 00:56:27,800
What else can I do for you?

1190
00:56:31,505 --> 00:56:32,254
Then he was right.

1191
00:56:32,306 --> 00:56:34,239
After that, I was just slightly
uncomfortable, you know,

1192
00:56:34,291 --> 00:56:38,060
Like somebody digging around in
my scrotum looking for stuff,

1193
00:56:38,112 --> 00:56:38,911
You know?

1194
00:56:41,665 --> 00:56:42,781
And then I smelled smoke.

1195
00:56:50,658 --> 00:56:51,473
I smell smoke.

1196
00:56:54,445 --> 00:56:55,894
What is that?

1197
00:56:55,946 --> 00:56:57,279
Well, that's you.

1198
00:56:57,331 --> 00:57:00,015
Oh.

1199
00:57:00,067 --> 00:57:01,700
I'm on fire right now?

1200
00:57:05,172 --> 00:57:07,055
What part of me is
burning, exactly?

1201
00:57:07,108 --> 00:57:10,876
What-- and he
said, well, we just

1202
00:57:10,928 --> 00:57:14,830
Severed the vas deferens veins,
and then we soldered them off,

1203
00:57:14,882 --> 00:57:15,964
You know?

1204
00:57:16,016 --> 00:57:17,833
That's the smoke you
smell, your flesh burning.

1205
00:57:20,638 --> 00:57:24,973
That was going to be my
second guess, I swear to god.

1206
00:57:25,025 --> 00:57:28,327
Was that necessary?

1207
00:57:28,379 --> 00:57:30,729
The fire thing?

1208
00:57:30,815 --> 00:57:32,448
Well, that's what
a vasectomy is.

1209
00:57:32,500 --> 00:57:34,450
I mean, if you would have
read the stuff I sent you.

1210
00:57:37,338 --> 00:57:40,088
Basically, what I'm
trying to do is prevent

1211
00:57:40,141 --> 00:57:41,773
Your little swimmers
from getting to where

1212
00:57:41,826 --> 00:57:44,092
They want to go, you know?

1213
00:57:44,145 --> 00:57:47,179
He dumbed it down
right away for me.

1214
00:57:47,231 --> 00:57:49,631
And I was still high from
all the medication, you know?

1215
00:57:49,683 --> 00:57:51,967
Plus I got a little
bit extra because I'm

1216
00:57:52,019 --> 00:57:53,001
Rob fucking schneider.

1217
00:57:53,053 --> 00:57:55,821
Like, come on, man.

1218
00:57:55,873 --> 00:57:57,606
I'm your friend.

1219
00:57:57,658 --> 00:57:58,690
Who's your friend?

1220
00:57:58,742 --> 00:58:01,009
I thought I was your friend.

1221
00:58:01,061 --> 00:58:01,810
You know me.

1222
00:58:01,862 --> 00:58:02,644
I need more.

1223
00:58:02,696 --> 00:58:04,646
Give it to me.

1224
00:58:04,698 --> 00:58:05,481
My friend.

1225
00:58:08,969 --> 00:58:13,021
So anyway, so I said
to him, so do I--

1226
00:58:13,073 --> 00:58:15,657
Do I still make the
little swimmers?

1227
00:58:15,709 --> 00:58:19,278
And he said, hey, I'm not
taking out your testicles.

1228
00:58:19,330 --> 00:58:22,064
I'm just preventing your
swimmers from getting

1229
00:58:22,116 --> 00:58:25,584
To where they want to go.

1230
00:58:25,636 --> 00:58:31,740
I said, well, if I still
make them, where do they go?

1231
00:58:35,446 --> 00:58:40,098
And he said, the body
reabsorbs most of them.

1232
00:58:40,150 --> 00:58:42,150
I said, yeah?

1233
00:58:42,236 --> 00:58:46,772
What about the smart ones?

1234
00:58:46,824 --> 00:58:49,992
You know, the ones that
are like, oh, fuck,

1235
00:58:50,044 --> 00:58:52,778
It's all burned out right here.

1236
00:58:52,830 --> 00:58:54,263
There's got to be
another way out of here.

1237
00:58:54,315 --> 00:58:56,131
Come on, guys, let's try
to sneak out the asshole.

1238
00:58:56,183 --> 00:58:57,316
Let's go.
You, go.

1239
00:58:57,368 --> 00:58:58,867
You, go.

1240
00:58:58,919 --> 00:58:59,718
My turn.

1241
00:59:05,259 --> 00:59:08,277
What about those
guys, the smart ones?

1242
00:59:08,329 --> 00:59:12,447
He said, I wouldn't
worry about it.

1243
00:59:12,499 --> 00:59:15,901
It's like, dude, I'm never
going to not worry about it.

1244
00:59:15,953 --> 00:59:16,919
I'm worried right now.

1245
00:59:16,971 --> 00:59:18,237
I need to know
where every swimmer

1246
00:59:18,289 --> 00:59:20,689
Is at all times in my body.

1247
00:59:20,741 --> 00:59:22,441
I can't have them swimming
around, and I have no--

1248
00:59:22,493 --> 00:59:23,792
I can't-- I can't
have them swim.

1249
00:59:23,844 --> 00:59:24,593
I can't.

1250
00:59:24,645 --> 00:59:25,510
I can't be like--

1251
00:59:25,563 --> 00:59:28,981
One day I'm watching
an italian movie.

1252
00:59:31,702 --> 00:59:33,135
I start to tear up a little bit.

1253
00:59:37,641 --> 00:59:41,393
The next thing I got, like,
jizz coming on my eyeballs.

1254
00:59:41,445 --> 00:59:47,115
I need to know where they all
are at all times starting now.

1255
00:59:47,167 --> 00:59:49,501
Then he said, ok, now,
robbie, we're going to close

1256
00:59:49,553 --> 00:59:51,219
Up your incision right now.

1257
00:59:51,272 --> 00:59:55,457
And what I'm going to do is
I'm going to use surgical glue.

1258
00:59:55,509 --> 00:59:58,293
This way, it'll lessen
the likelihood of you

1259
00:59:58,345 --> 01:00:00,212
Having any unattractive scars.

1260
01:00:03,417 --> 01:00:08,086
And I said, you know, I'm
not worried about that.

1261
01:00:08,138 --> 01:00:11,523
I mean, I don't think there's
a chance that, you know,

1262
01:00:11,575 --> 01:00:18,780
One day I'd be at some event
where I'd be like hey, hey--

1263
01:00:18,832 --> 01:00:19,848
I'm at the oscars.

1264
01:00:19,900 --> 01:00:22,651
Hey, will smith just slapped
the shit out of chris rock.

1265
01:00:22,703 --> 01:00:25,821
Yeah, that's fucked up, but
look at rob schneider's balls.

1266
01:00:25,873 --> 01:00:28,624
Look at that.

1267
01:00:28,676 --> 01:00:29,775
Lift your asian dick.

1268
01:00:29,827 --> 01:00:32,027
Look at that.

1269
01:00:32,079 --> 01:00:35,063
Scar right there.

1270
01:00:35,132 --> 01:00:37,366
I guess anything's possible.

1271
01:00:37,418 --> 01:00:41,269
I guess I could be at the one
korean spas in downtown tampa

1272
01:00:41,322 --> 01:00:42,270
Bay, you know?

1273
01:00:45,976 --> 01:00:46,925
I drop my towel.

1274
01:00:46,977 --> 01:00:47,909
I go to pick it up, you know?

1275
01:00:47,961 --> 01:00:51,179
My dick goes to the right.

1276
01:00:51,231 --> 01:00:53,098
Some old korean guy
looks at me and goes

1277
01:00:53,150 --> 01:00:55,901
Like, oh, that's fucked up.

1278
01:00:58,589 --> 01:01:00,505
You got a scar on
your ball sack.

1279
01:01:00,557 --> 01:01:01,890
I'm going to throw up now.

1280
01:01:01,942 --> 01:01:04,259
Oh, oh.

1281
01:01:04,278 --> 01:01:05,694
You should have taken
the glue, bitch?

1282
01:01:05,746 --> 01:01:06,712
Why didn't you take the glue?

1283
01:01:10,401 --> 01:01:14,136
No [non-english] for
you, motherfucker.

1284
01:01:14,188 --> 01:01:16,121
That's korean for
please or thank you.

1285
01:01:16,123 --> 01:01:17,606
I don't remember.

1286
01:01:17,658 --> 01:01:18,790
So anyway, then the--

1287
01:01:18,842 --> 01:01:22,094
Dr. Baz said, ok, look.

1288
01:01:22,146 --> 01:01:24,496
On top of the surgical
glue, I'm going

1289
01:01:24,548 --> 01:01:26,832
To put a thick layer of gauze.

1290
01:01:26,884 --> 01:01:30,419
That way, for the flight home,
it'll feel like your dick

1291
01:01:30,487 --> 01:01:31,470
Is in a bird's nest.

1292
01:01:35,743 --> 01:01:36,541
Thank you.

1293
01:01:39,747 --> 01:01:43,348
I didn't know I was going to
get a bird's nest out of this.

1294
01:01:43,400 --> 01:01:45,400
Thank you.

1295
01:01:45,452 --> 01:01:46,718
So I flew home, you know?

1296
01:01:46,787 --> 01:01:49,454
I took every pain pill I had
left for the flight home,

1297
01:01:49,506 --> 01:01:50,238
You know?

1298
01:01:50,290 --> 01:01:52,391
And it was a good thing,
because there was turbulence.

1299
01:02:16,683 --> 01:02:19,651
Sorry.

1300
01:02:19,670 --> 01:02:22,437
I knew not to expect any
sympathy from my wife

1301
01:02:22,489 --> 01:02:24,856
Because women don't have
sympathy for their husbands

1302
01:02:24,908 --> 01:02:26,091
When we get injured.

1303
01:02:26,143 --> 01:02:26,892
That's right.

1304
01:02:26,944 --> 01:02:29,561
You know-- you know, ladies,
whenever you get hurt,

1305
01:02:29,613 --> 01:02:30,445
Who's right there?

1306
01:02:30,497 --> 01:02:31,246
We are.

1307
01:02:31,298 --> 01:02:32,147
We are.

1308
01:02:32,199 --> 01:02:33,248
Yeah, we're right there.

1309
01:02:33,267 --> 01:02:35,117
Oh, honey, can I
rub it and fuck you?

1310
01:02:35,169 --> 01:02:39,004
Can I rub fuck-- can I
rub you and then fuck?

1311
01:02:39,056 --> 01:02:40,572
Ooh, you want some ice, honey?

1312
01:02:40,624 --> 01:02:41,373
Can I get you some ice?

1313
01:02:41,425 --> 01:02:42,174
Can I fuck?

1314
01:02:42,226 --> 01:02:43,708
Can I fuck with the--

1315
01:02:43,761 --> 01:02:44,709
With the ice?
Without the ice?

1316
01:02:44,762 --> 01:02:45,877
It doesn't have to
be with the ice.

1317
01:02:45,929 --> 01:02:47,179
I'm just like, I'm
already rubbing you.

1318
01:02:47,231 --> 01:02:48,747
I should be fucking you.
I mean, we're already here.

1319
01:02:48,799 --> 01:02:49,815
We're halfway there.

1320
01:02:52,386 --> 01:02:53,268
I'm just here for you.

1321
01:02:53,320 --> 01:02:54,069
I love you.

1322
01:02:54,121 --> 01:02:55,771
Because we're gentlemen.

1323
01:02:55,823 --> 01:02:58,507
That's right.

1324
01:02:58,559 --> 01:03:00,192
Ladies, we have to pee in
the middle of the night.

1325
01:03:00,244 --> 01:03:00,992
Do we wake you up?

1326
01:03:01,044 --> 01:03:02,194
Never.

1327
01:03:02,246 --> 01:03:03,011
No.

1328
01:03:03,063 --> 01:03:06,031
We don't even turn on the light.

1329
01:03:06,083 --> 01:03:07,899
We just get out of
bed, try not to make

1330
01:03:07,951 --> 01:03:09,201
Too much motion on the bed.

1331
01:03:09,253 --> 01:03:11,369
You know, we get out, and then
we make our way out of the room

1332
01:03:11,421 --> 01:03:13,855
In the pitch darkness
just by rubbing our leg

1333
01:03:13,907 --> 01:03:19,227
Against the side of the bed, you
know, until we get to the wall.

1334
01:03:19,279 --> 01:03:22,697
We find our way
to the next wall.

1335
01:03:22,749 --> 01:03:25,367
And you feel around till you
get to the bathroom doorknob,

1336
01:03:25,419 --> 01:03:26,168
You know?

1337
01:03:26,220 --> 01:03:26,968
Then you open it up.

1338
01:03:27,020 --> 01:03:28,804
You don't turn the light on
until you close the door.

1339
01:03:28,856 --> 01:03:29,604
Why?

1340
01:03:29,656 --> 01:03:32,457
Because you're a gentleman.

1341
01:03:32,509 --> 01:03:33,258
You do your business.

1342
01:03:33,310 --> 01:03:34,209
You turn the light off.

1343
01:03:34,261 --> 01:03:36,428
You come out, and you're
half fucking blind.

1344
01:03:39,783 --> 01:03:43,218
You try to navigate your
way back to the bed,

1345
01:03:43,270 --> 01:03:45,971
And nine of your toes
successfully make it.

1346
01:03:48,976 --> 01:03:51,810
But the baby toe finds one
of the legs of the bed.

1347
01:03:51,862 --> 01:03:52,928
Oh, cunt fucker.

1348
01:03:52,980 --> 01:03:54,613
Oh, cunt fucker.

1349
01:03:54,665 --> 01:03:56,081
Oh, motherfucker.

1350
01:03:56,133 --> 01:03:57,699
Your wife turns a light on.

1351
01:03:57,751 --> 01:04:00,151
[cackles]

1352
01:04:01,104 --> 01:04:02,971
Your toe is pointing
the other way.

1353
01:04:06,009 --> 01:04:07,342
The nail is completely off.

1354
01:04:07,394 --> 01:04:09,144
Let me see that thing.

1355
01:04:09,196 --> 01:04:11,446
Save that.

1356
01:04:11,498 --> 01:04:13,849
You should save that.

1357
01:04:13,901 --> 01:04:15,951
This is a special night for you.

1358
01:04:18,589 --> 01:04:22,224
As soon as my wife saw me,
she said, let me see it.

1359
01:04:22,276 --> 01:04:23,692
I was like, excuse me?

1360
01:04:23,744 --> 01:04:28,480
Let me see it,
your big operation.

1361
01:04:31,852 --> 01:04:34,819
I said, now?

1362
01:04:34,872 --> 01:04:37,322
[spanish]

1363
01:04:37,374 --> 01:04:38,173
Now.

1364
01:04:40,677 --> 01:04:41,509
At the airport?

1365
01:04:54,291 --> 01:04:55,023
That's it?

1366
01:04:55,075 --> 01:04:57,075
That small little scar?

1367
01:04:57,127 --> 01:04:58,243
That's what you've
been complaining

1368
01:04:58,295 --> 01:04:59,477
About for three days?

1369
01:04:59,529 --> 01:05:01,429
Oh, they're going
to cut my balls.

1370
01:05:01,481 --> 01:05:02,797
Oh!

1371
01:05:02,849 --> 01:05:04,299
You're such a pussy.

1372
01:05:04,351 --> 01:05:06,084
You're such a pussy.

1373
01:05:06,136 --> 01:05:06,935
You are.

1374
01:05:09,873 --> 01:05:12,574
I had two human beings
come out of my vagina,

1375
01:05:12,626 --> 01:05:14,626
Screaming, with
their eyes wide open.

1376
01:05:17,431 --> 01:05:18,546
Men couldn't have babies.

1377
01:05:18,599 --> 01:05:19,698
You could-- you couldn't.

1378
01:05:19,783 --> 01:05:21,349
You couldn't.

1379
01:05:21,401 --> 01:05:23,602
If men had to have babies,
there would be abortion clinics

1380
01:05:23,654 --> 01:05:28,173
At every 7-eleven, every
target, every walmart,

1381
01:05:28,225 --> 01:05:31,610
Every nordstrom's rack,
every gas station.

1382
01:05:31,662 --> 01:05:33,128
What's that thing
under your dick?

1383
01:05:35,699 --> 01:05:36,648
It's a bird's nest.

1384
01:05:39,720 --> 01:05:42,671
I'm surprised you
never heard about it.

1385
01:05:42,723 --> 01:05:44,873
It comes with it.

1386
01:05:44,925 --> 01:05:48,143
How does it come off?

1387
01:05:48,195 --> 01:05:51,046
I didn't read any of his stuff.

1388
01:05:51,098 --> 01:05:52,414
I didn't want to get
freaked out by it.

1389
01:05:52,466 --> 01:05:53,214
Hey, doc.

1390
01:05:53,266 --> 01:05:54,015
Yeah, it's rob.

1391
01:05:54,067 --> 01:05:56,868
Yeah, I got a question for you.

1392
01:05:56,920 --> 01:05:59,270
You know, the bird's nest is
glued on there really good.

1393
01:05:59,323 --> 01:06:00,088
Good job with that.

1394
01:06:00,140 --> 01:06:00,889
Solid.

1395
01:06:00,941 --> 01:06:01,706
100%.

1396
01:06:01,758 --> 01:06:05,076
Just curious, how does one
take that off, exactly?

1397
01:06:05,128 --> 01:06:06,778
What?

1398
01:06:06,830 --> 01:06:09,547
Just use a little, um, q-tip
and a little fingernail polish

1399
01:06:09,599 --> 01:06:10,348
Remover.

1400
01:06:10,400 --> 01:06:11,216
It'll come right off.

1401
01:06:11,268 --> 01:06:12,017
All right.

1402
01:06:12,069 --> 01:06:14,152
What did doctor say?

1403
01:06:14,204 --> 01:06:16,187
He said use fingernail
polish remover.

1404
01:06:16,239 --> 01:06:18,139
Don't use that!

1405
01:06:18,191 --> 01:06:19,274
Yeah, but that's
what the doctor--

1406
01:06:19,326 --> 01:06:20,892
I don't care what he said.

1407
01:06:20,944 --> 01:06:22,410
That's toxic.

1408
01:06:22,462 --> 01:06:25,747
I don't want anything
toxic on your balls.

1409
01:06:25,799 --> 01:06:27,532
Those things slap up against me.

1410
01:06:31,121 --> 01:06:32,771
Not that fast, but you know.

1411
01:06:44,234 --> 01:06:45,033
Sorry.

1412
01:06:47,921 --> 01:06:48,953
Well, what do I use?

1413
01:06:49,006 --> 01:06:52,257
Use tea tree oil.

1414
01:06:52,309 --> 01:06:53,458
What's tea tree oil?

1415
01:06:53,510 --> 01:06:56,161
It's just as good as-- just
as good as fingernail polish

1416
01:06:56,213 --> 01:06:57,162
Remover, but it's non-toxic.

1417
01:06:57,214 --> 01:06:57,962
Use it.

1418
01:06:58,015 --> 01:07:01,182
I'm going to watch you.

1419
01:07:01,234 --> 01:07:04,035
So she follows me, you know?

1420
01:07:04,087 --> 01:07:08,422
She follows me into the
shower, you know, like, naked.

1421
01:07:08,424 --> 01:07:10,442
She hands me the tea tree oil.

1422
01:07:13,096 --> 01:07:16,014
I pour the whole fucking
thing on, you know?

1423
01:07:16,066 --> 01:07:19,584
The bird's nest comes right off.

1424
01:07:19,636 --> 01:07:21,720
And then I see some
other problems happening.

1425
01:07:24,841 --> 01:07:27,008
Hey, doc, patrice said
she didn't want me to use

1426
01:07:27,060 --> 01:07:29,110
The fingernail polish remover.

1427
01:07:29,162 --> 01:07:30,345
Yeah, but that's
what you should use.

1428
01:07:30,397 --> 01:07:32,647
Yeah, but she didn't-- she
didn't want me to use it.

1429
01:07:32,699 --> 01:07:33,882
Yeah, but I'm the doctor.

1430
01:07:33,934 --> 01:07:35,533
Yeah, but you don't live
with this crazy bitch.

1431
01:07:35,585 --> 01:07:36,334
You've never seen her.

1432
01:07:36,386 --> 01:07:38,737
She's like-- she wears me--

1433
01:07:38,789 --> 01:07:39,721
She just wears me down.

1434
01:07:39,773 --> 01:07:40,822
I do whatever she says.

1435
01:07:40,874 --> 01:07:47,812
It's just-- ok, just
don't use tea tree oil.

1436
01:07:47,864 --> 01:07:51,683
Why, what's wrong
with the tea tree oil?

1437
01:07:51,735 --> 01:07:53,118
Well, that'll melt
the surgical glue,

1438
01:07:53,170 --> 01:07:54,969
And your balls will
fall down to the floor.

1439
01:08:00,243 --> 01:08:04,946
Is that what those two white
things are in there, those?

1440
01:08:04,998 --> 01:08:08,149
Did you use tea tree oil?

1441
01:08:08,201 --> 01:08:10,385
Yes.

1442
01:08:10,437 --> 01:08:11,753
At least you don't
have to worry anymore

1443
01:08:11,805 --> 01:08:13,638
How those other little
swimmers are going to get out.

1444
01:08:17,144 --> 01:08:21,162
That's a true story.

1445
01:08:21,164 --> 01:08:23,031
All right, you guys
have been fantastic.

1446
01:08:23,116 --> 01:08:24,632
I'm sorry this has been
so long, but I just want

1447
01:08:24,684 --> 01:08:26,501
To do everything that I can do.

1448
01:08:26,520 --> 01:08:27,952
I will tell you--

1449
01:08:28,004 --> 01:08:30,789
I will say thank you.

1450
01:08:30,841 --> 01:08:33,658
Thank you.

1451
01:08:33,710 --> 01:08:35,310
I will say--

1452
01:08:35,362 --> 01:08:40,999
I will say that, like,
I've been very blessed,

1453
01:08:41,051 --> 01:08:44,035
And at the same time, you know,
things happen in your career.

1454
01:08:44,087 --> 01:08:46,321
I mean, first of
all, I had no idea

1455
01:08:46,373 --> 01:08:50,341
That one day I
would be blackballed

1456
01:08:50,393 --> 01:08:56,264
By the pharmaceutical industries
and tried to be canceled.

1457
01:08:56,316 --> 01:08:58,933
And let me just tell
you, they can't do

1458
01:08:58,985 --> 01:09:00,685
It because I have you people.

1459
01:09:00,737 --> 01:09:02,053
So thank you very much.

1460
01:09:07,027 --> 01:09:09,460
I love you.

1461
01:09:09,513 --> 01:09:11,446
Thank you.

1462
01:09:11,498 --> 01:09:13,448
Thank you very much.

1463
01:09:13,500 --> 01:09:14,933
Thank you.

1464
01:09:14,985 --> 01:09:19,971
And last, I'll leave you
with this true story.

1465
01:09:20,040 --> 01:09:22,390
I was able to make a movie
last year called "daddy

1466
01:09:22,442 --> 01:09:23,691
Daughter trip," and
I hadn't starred

1467
01:09:23,743 --> 01:09:24,659
In a movie in a lot of years.

1468
01:09:24,711 --> 01:09:25,777
And it's a lot of fun.

1469
01:09:25,829 --> 01:09:28,680
And you know, well, it's fun
to make a movie because you get

1470
01:09:28,732 --> 01:09:30,281
To write it with your friends.

1471
01:09:30,333 --> 01:09:31,716
Like, I got to write
it with my wife,

1472
01:09:31,768 --> 01:09:33,902
Patricia, and
jamie lissow, who's

1473
01:09:33,954 --> 01:09:35,420
On gutfeld a lot of times.

1474
01:09:35,472 --> 01:09:36,821
Yeah, yeah.

1475
01:09:36,873 --> 01:09:39,924
First time I ever got a
response on that one with jamie.

1476
01:09:39,976 --> 01:09:42,260
He never got a response before.

1477
01:09:42,312 --> 01:09:43,278
Just kidding, jamie.

1478
01:09:43,330 --> 01:09:46,564
Anyway, he's going
to watch this.

1479
01:09:49,419 --> 01:09:51,619
So anyway, we got to
film it, which is fun,

1480
01:09:51,671 --> 01:09:52,937
And edit it, which
is-- you really

1481
01:09:52,989 --> 01:09:54,906
Make the movie in editing,
and I missed that, you know?

1482
01:09:54,958 --> 01:09:57,075
And then you get to put music
in it-- music, which is so fun,

1483
01:09:57,127 --> 01:09:57,876
You know?

1484
01:09:57,928 --> 01:10:00,128
I got to write the theme
with my buddy, john hunter.

1485
01:10:00,180 --> 01:10:02,197
You know, and then
they asked-- we have

1486
01:10:02,249 --> 01:10:03,865
A little bit of money--
was there any songs

1487
01:10:03,917 --> 01:10:05,283
You want to maybe buy?

1488
01:10:05,335 --> 01:10:07,135
And I said, what about
a paul mccartney song?

1489
01:10:07,187 --> 01:10:08,336
And they said, ok,
but then there'll

1490
01:10:08,388 --> 01:10:13,575
Be no more money for the
rest of the movie, you know?

1491
01:10:13,627 --> 01:10:15,210
He's the most expensive
guy in the world.

1492
01:10:15,262 --> 01:10:19,030
Paul mccartney, $600,000
for one song, you know?

1493
01:10:19,082 --> 01:10:21,049
So that's like a tenth-- the
whole budget of the movie.

1494
01:10:21,101 --> 01:10:26,321
So anyway, you know, after
we bought the song, we like--

1495
01:10:26,373 --> 01:10:28,256
I heard he was
going to be touring.

1496
01:10:28,308 --> 01:10:30,191
And I went like, you
know, for $600,000,

1497
01:10:30,243 --> 01:10:31,910
I should get some fucking
free tickets to that show.

1498
01:10:31,962 --> 01:10:33,061
You know, I was like--

1499
01:10:33,113 --> 01:10:34,562
I don't-- I didn't want to be--

1500
01:10:34,614 --> 01:10:35,730
I didn't want to be an asshole.

1501
01:10:35,782 --> 01:10:36,731
I don't want to be an asshole.

1502
01:10:36,783 --> 01:10:38,216
So I texted his manager.

1503
01:10:38,268 --> 01:10:40,969
I'm like, hey, listen, it's
rob schneider, $600,000.

1504
01:10:41,021 --> 01:10:43,354
Hey, it's rob schneider.

1505
01:10:43,390 --> 01:10:44,606
Look, I heard paul
mccartney is going

1506
01:10:44,658 --> 01:10:46,124
To be performing in texas.

1507
01:10:46,176 --> 01:10:47,158
I just happened to buy tickets.

1508
01:10:47,210 --> 01:10:47,942
I'm going to be there.

1509
01:10:47,994 --> 01:10:52,647
Anyway, is it possible I could
get to say hi to mr. Mccartney?

1510
01:10:52,699 --> 01:10:55,650
And he said, we'll text
you the night of the show,

1511
01:10:55,669 --> 01:10:56,484
See what we could do.

1512
01:10:56,536 --> 01:10:58,319
I was like, oh, amazing.

1513
01:10:58,371 --> 01:10:59,120
We'll see what happens.

1514
01:10:59,172 --> 01:11:00,121
Who knows, you know?

1515
01:11:00,173 --> 01:11:01,706
Then after that,
I flew to mexico

1516
01:11:01,758 --> 01:11:04,892
To direct a movie that my
wife wrote, "amor es amor,"

1517
01:11:04,945 --> 01:11:06,010
For paramount plus.

1518
01:11:06,062 --> 01:11:06,911
And it could be good.

1519
01:11:06,963 --> 01:11:07,712
I don't know.

1520
01:11:07,764 --> 01:11:10,715
I don't speak spanish, but
it seems like they were

1521
01:11:10,767 --> 01:11:12,583
Looking at each other a lot.

1522
01:11:12,636 --> 01:11:17,472
So that's-- when I
was down in mexico,

1523
01:11:17,524 --> 01:11:20,942
I got covid, you know,
because everybody

1524
01:11:20,994 --> 01:11:24,212
Surrounding me was vaccinated.

1525
01:11:24,264 --> 01:11:28,099
You know, that's--
that's how you get it.

1526
01:11:28,151 --> 01:11:30,818
So then I recovered from that.

1527
01:11:30,870 --> 01:11:34,222
I recovered from that, and
then I flew back to the states

1528
01:11:34,274 --> 01:11:35,156
To arizona.

1529
01:11:35,208 --> 01:11:37,075
And then it was time to
go see paul mccartney.

1530
01:11:37,127 --> 01:11:39,927
So I took my daughter,
miranda, who's the daughter

1531
01:11:39,980 --> 01:11:40,828
In "daddy daughter trip."

1532
01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:42,780
And she's nine, and
I thought, you know,

1533
01:11:42,832 --> 01:11:44,866
When I was nine, what a
big deal the beatles were.

1534
01:11:44,901 --> 01:11:46,617
Who knows how long he's
going to be doing this?

1535
01:11:46,670 --> 01:11:49,120
Let's just go see paul
mccartney in concert.

1536
01:11:49,172 --> 01:11:52,340
And so on the plane on the
way to see paul mccartney,

1537
01:11:52,392 --> 01:11:54,876
My daughter comes
down with covid.

1538
01:11:54,928 --> 01:12:00,048
Like, my daughter's like,
I don't feel good, dad.

1539
01:12:00,100 --> 01:12:03,584
I think I got when you had.

1540
01:12:03,603 --> 01:12:06,771
And I was like, you're fine.

1541
01:12:06,823 --> 01:12:07,789
You're probably fine.

1542
01:12:07,841 --> 01:12:08,739
You're fine.

1543
01:12:08,741 --> 01:12:09,557
You're good.

1544
01:12:09,609 --> 01:12:10,608
You're good.

1545
01:12:10,660 --> 01:12:12,477
Probably-- I think you're good.

1546
01:12:12,529 --> 01:12:13,277
I didn't know.

1547
01:12:13,330 --> 01:12:14,228
We didn't have a test.

1548
01:12:14,280 --> 01:12:15,947
But I knew she had it, you know?

1549
01:12:15,999 --> 01:12:17,415
Anyway, I said, don't worry.

1550
01:12:17,467 --> 01:12:20,184
We're just going to go
straight to the concert.

1551
01:12:20,236 --> 01:12:22,920
We're not even gonna--
we're just gonna go--

1552
01:12:22,972 --> 01:12:24,022
This way, you'll hear music.

1553
01:12:24,057 --> 01:12:24,806
You feel better.

1554
01:12:24,858 --> 01:12:27,075
I feel better when I'm
sick and I hear music.

1555
01:12:27,127 --> 01:12:31,379
Oh, music, I feel
better, you know?

1556
01:12:31,381 --> 01:12:34,716
So we went to the
concert, and I'm thinking,

1557
01:12:34,768 --> 01:12:36,851
He's not gonna call me.

1558
01:12:36,903 --> 01:12:38,503
He's paul mccartney.

1559
01:12:38,555 --> 01:12:40,321
They're going to
forget, whatever.

1560
01:12:40,373 --> 01:12:41,756
You know, you know.

1561
01:12:41,808 --> 01:12:44,759
And my daughter's like,
I don't feel good.

1562
01:12:44,811 --> 01:12:46,327
I want to go to the hotel.

1563
01:12:46,379 --> 01:12:47,812
Well, just one more song.

1564
01:12:47,864 --> 01:12:51,716
You said that seven songs ago.

1565
01:12:51,768 --> 01:12:53,217
Yeah, but these
are beatles songs.

1566
01:12:53,269 --> 01:12:55,953
They're like a minute and
a half, two minutes tops.

1567
01:12:56,005 --> 01:12:57,855
It's not like led
zeppelin or whatever.

1568
01:12:57,907 --> 01:13:02,677
And then I got this
buzz on my phone.

1569
01:13:05,982 --> 01:13:12,286
Sp will meet you 20 minutes
after the performance.

1570
01:13:12,338 --> 01:13:16,207
Start making your way backstage
during the "live and let die"

1571
01:13:16,259 --> 01:13:18,843
Fireworks.

1572
01:13:18,895 --> 01:13:21,112
Sp?

1573
01:13:21,114 --> 01:13:24,332
Sir paul.

1574
01:13:24,384 --> 01:13:25,199
Meet me.

1575
01:13:36,479 --> 01:13:38,329
I can't be the guy who
kills paul mccartney.

1576
01:13:38,381 --> 01:13:39,247
I can't.

1577
01:13:39,299 --> 01:13:40,148
I can't.

1578
01:13:40,200 --> 01:13:40,998
I can't.

1579
01:13:41,050 --> 01:13:42,967
I get enough bad press as it is.

1580
01:13:43,019 --> 01:13:43,968
I can't.

1581
01:13:44,020 --> 01:13:45,019
I can't.

1582
01:13:45,071 --> 01:13:45,820
I can't.

1583
01:13:45,872 --> 01:13:47,472
You know, but $600,000.

1584
01:13:47,524 --> 01:13:48,473
Whatever.

1585
01:13:48,525 --> 01:13:52,226
Anyway, and then all of a
sudden, the fireworks go off.

1586
01:13:55,415 --> 01:13:56,514
And he starts singing.

1587
01:13:56,566 --> 01:13:59,083
You know, starts singing
"live and let die."

1588
01:13:59,135 --> 01:14:02,870
And I was like, come on, honey.

1589
01:14:02,922 --> 01:14:04,539
We got to do the right thing.

1590
01:14:04,591 --> 01:14:06,124
Come on.

1591
01:14:06,176 --> 01:14:07,358
Let's go backstage.

1592
01:14:13,600 --> 01:14:16,884
Like, this is so wrong.

1593
01:14:16,953 --> 01:14:17,952
I know.

1594
01:14:18,004 --> 01:14:18,920
I know.

1595
01:14:18,972 --> 01:14:21,973
This is-- but, like, he's
not going to come out.

1596
01:14:22,025 --> 01:14:23,491
He's paul mccartney.

1597
01:14:23,493 --> 01:14:25,209
I'm sure they just
have people come.

1598
01:14:25,261 --> 01:14:26,010
He's like-- you know?

1599
01:14:26,062 --> 01:14:28,479
And then I start looking
around, going, well, you know,

1600
01:14:28,531 --> 01:14:29,831
The ceilings are pretty high.

1601
01:14:29,883 --> 01:14:31,616
Seems to be good
airflow, you know?

1602
01:14:31,668 --> 01:14:36,971
I mean, like, that works in our
favor pretty good, you know?

1603
01:14:37,023 --> 01:14:42,810
And then he comes in the room
by himself, paul mccartney.

1604
01:14:42,862 --> 01:14:45,880
And he's really tall, which
also works in our favor.

1605
01:14:48,701 --> 01:14:53,454
And he comes right up to me
and said, I liked the movie.

1606
01:14:53,506 --> 01:14:56,457
Paul mccartney, you saw my
movie, "daddy daughter trip."

1607
01:14:56,509 --> 01:14:59,794
He's like, I didn't see
the whole movie, just the

1608
01:14:59,846 --> 01:15:02,997
Little bit with my song in it.

1609
01:15:03,049 --> 01:15:04,499
Got to make sure it's
not a piece of crap.

1610
01:15:04,551 --> 01:15:05,349
You know what I mean?

1611
01:15:08,454 --> 01:15:09,787
Who's that behind you?

1612
01:15:12,509 --> 01:15:13,224
No one.

1613
01:15:13,276 --> 01:15:14,926
There's no one.

1614
01:15:14,978 --> 01:15:16,310
There's no one behind me.

1615
01:15:16,362 --> 01:15:17,879
And my daughter's
like, I have covid!

1616
01:15:20,683 --> 01:15:23,084
He gave me covid!

1617
01:15:23,136 --> 01:15:25,219
Now I have covid!

1618
01:15:25,271 --> 01:15:27,171
Now you're going to get covid!

1619
01:15:34,280 --> 01:15:36,814
Mr. Mccartney, I feel
terrible, seriously.

1620
01:15:36,866 --> 01:15:38,933
I-- awful, terrible.

1621
01:15:38,985 --> 01:15:41,118
I-- you know, wow.

1622
01:15:41,170 --> 01:15:42,553
I didn't think you were
even going to come.

1623
01:15:42,605 --> 01:15:43,354
I don't know.

1624
01:15:43,406 --> 01:15:44,772
I feel terrible, seriously.

1625
01:15:44,824 --> 01:15:48,175
But you know, you're 80.

1626
01:15:48,228 --> 01:15:48,976
That's pretty good.

1627
01:15:49,028 --> 01:15:50,945
80 is solid.

1628
01:15:50,997 --> 01:15:51,846
80.

1629
01:15:51,898 --> 01:15:52,997
80 is good.

1630
01:15:53,049 --> 01:15:55,383
I would take 80, you know?

1631
01:15:55,435 --> 01:15:56,384
You know, 80.

1632
01:15:56,436 --> 01:15:57,752
You know.

1633
01:15:57,804 --> 01:16:00,054
It's not like--
it's not like you

1634
01:16:00,106 --> 01:16:02,657
Die at 80 anyone's going to
feel like you got ripped off.

1635
01:16:02,709 --> 01:16:04,025
I mean 80s a solid--

1636
01:16:04,077 --> 01:16:07,061
You know, if you look at all the
rock and roll, you know, 80--

1637
01:16:07,113 --> 01:16:09,530
80-- you know, 80 is--

1638
01:16:09,582 --> 01:16:11,198
80.

1639
01:16:11,251 --> 01:16:12,700
That's like two john lennons.

1640
01:16:12,752 --> 01:16:17,154
You know, but john lennon
and the other, you know?

1641
01:16:17,223 --> 01:16:20,691
You said so yourself,
live and let die.

1642
01:16:26,799 --> 01:16:28,165
Thank you.

1643
01:16:28,217 --> 01:16:29,600
Thank you.

1644
01:16:29,652 --> 01:16:32,136
Thank you so much, tampa bay.

1645
01:16:32,188 --> 01:16:36,557
You can do it.

1646
01:16:36,609 --> 01:16:37,592
Thank you.

1647
01:16:49,722 --> 01:16:50,471
Thank you.

1648
01:16:50,523 --> 01:16:51,255
I love you.

1649
01:16:51,307 --> 01:16:52,673
Thanks for coming, tampa bay.

1650
01:16:52,725 --> 01:16:54,175
I love you.

1651
01:16:54,227 --> 01:16:56,978
[music playing]