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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[Sommore] As an artist,
I take my craft seriously.
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I don't take for granted
that people have choices
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when they spend their hard-earned money,
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and I appreciate them for choosing me.
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I'm a Jersey girl,
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where hard work has been instilled in me
from the very beginning.
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And being from Trenton,
I know all too well
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that what Trenton makes, the world takes.
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We discovered many things about ourselves
and the world since I last saw you.
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We learned a new word, "quarantine."
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We experienced a new battle, COVID-19.
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And many of us experienced
the ultimate loss.
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But through it all,
we have shined and persevered,
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leaning on our faith and each other,
knowing that together
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we can fight through the darkness
to find our better selves.
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So, as a queen, I come to you
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as one who stands with you
as an overcomer.
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Whether you became an entrepreneur
or went back to school,
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or just decided to mind
your own damn business,
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we see you.
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And, as a Chandelier,
I'm coming back to work
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to do the one thing I know how to do,
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and that's shine.
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[presenter] Starring in her sixth
self-produced stand-up special,
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show your love for the queen of comedy,
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Sommore!
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[hip-hop music playing]
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Give yourselves a big round of applause
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for coming out and supporting
live stand-up comedy.
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Make some noise
for the beautiful Wick Theatre,
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right here in Boca Raton, Florida.
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Listen, I just want to thank you all
for coming out during the pandemic, okay?
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But then again, we really don't know
what the fuck is going on.
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We don't know
if we're still in the pandemic,
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is this shit over,
or did they just stop talking about it.
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Right? It's like
where you're in a relationship
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and we just stopped texting each other.
There ain't shit happened,
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but we just stopped texting.
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We don't know what the fuck it is.
We really don't.
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And just as we get over one thing,
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here comes some new shit.
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Monkeypox.
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What the fuck is monkeypox?
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And nobody knows what it is.
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I called a friend, a nurse.
I ask, "What the fuck is monkeypox?"
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She was like, "Yeah, I heard about that."
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"I heard it's chicken pox
for ugly people."
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I'm like, "I'm gonna go with that."
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Well, whatever it is, listen,
I am highly vaccinated.
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I am a grown fucking woman,
and I am highly vaccinated.
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I'm deuce deuce
and the booze, bitch. Everything.
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I am. If they got a patch,
I'll take that bitch too, listen.
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I've got moving around to do.
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And it was crazy because
when they came out with the vaccine,
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it divided the world. Some people
were against it and some people with it.
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But some people just got too fucking deep.
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When they talked about Black people
especially taking the vaccine,
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people brought up old shit.
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Well, back in the day, in slavery days
and the Tuskegee men and--
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It ain't my thing.
I don't want no people--
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Don't get deep with me with shit.
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Stay right here on the surface.
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I ain't no deep type motherfucker.
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You ever been talking to somebody
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and you got your titties out
and you got a drink in your hand.
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You're having a conversation
you hope is gonna lead
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to some dick at the end of the night?
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And they end up getting deep on your ass?
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They bring up
some church shit or history shit.
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Next thing you know,
you're covering your titties up.
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"I remember shit like that one."
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"I was thinking
about that type of shit the other day."
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Bitch, don't get deep on me.
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Look, I ain't no deep type motherfucker.
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I ain't that kind of person.
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Oh, that old "grand rising" shit.
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No, good morning, motherfucker.
Fuck grand rising.
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Just regular old "good morning."
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Right? I just don't want to get deep.
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Some people got so fucking deep.
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But I took the vaccine. I did.
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Because here's the thing.
I'm from Trenton, New Jersey.
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And when we were growing up in New Jersey,
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like, we had to get vaccinated
to go to school.
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Like, it was no big deal
to get vaccinated.
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Now, of course, the process was different.
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Back in the day, you went to the doctor's.
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The nurse called you in the back room.
You sat on the table.
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She put a little alcohol
on your arm, blew on that shit.
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[blows]
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Gave you the shot. Put a Band-Aid on it.
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Gave you a lollipop and you left.
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But not now. This shit
did get a little interesting.
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First of all, they just had
the motherfucker everywhere.
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Everywhere you turned around,
they was giving out the vaccine.
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They had the bitch at Walmart.
They had it at CVS.
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Walgreens.
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They even had it at the car wash downhill.
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I swear to god.
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I pulled up one day, the man was like,
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"What do you want? The wheel shine,
the air freshener, and the Pfizer?"
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I said, "Bitch,
I ain't saying shit about Pfizer!"
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"Oh, my bad. My bad."
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They had that bitch everywhere!
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And I ain't lying to you all.
The bitch that gave me a shot,
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this bitch had on a Kodak black t-shirt
and some old Red Monkey jeans.
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I just put my arm out the window
and said, "Lord, I'm trusting in you."
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This is the honest to god truth.
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For me, I just have a problem
with free shit.
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I don't like free shit.
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I know some people are like, "What?"
Just hear me out on this.
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I don't like free shit.
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I don't like the way
people's attitude is towards you
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when they're giving you some free shit.
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Notice this from this night forward.
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Whenever somebody
is doing something for you
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and it's expensive,
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watch how low they speak to you.
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"If you would, Ms. Davis,
if you would, come this way."
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"We'll bring your car around.
We got donuts and chips. We got coffee."
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"If you would, just sit right there."
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You feel a little special.
You're like, "Oh, my God!"
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"This is cute."
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But when shit is free,
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watch how loud they talk to you.
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[loudly] "Everybody, if you're going now,
you need to get on the bus!"
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"Get your bag of chips,
get you some water, and get on the bus!"
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"We're leaving in ten minutes!"
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You'll be like, "God damn!"
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"Why are you talking to me like that?"
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So I don't like shit like that.
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I don't like shit like that.
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And it's probably because
I had a bad experience.
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I had a bad experience
when I was eight years old.
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When I was eight years old,
my mother lost her job.
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And because
my mother lost her job that year,
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we qualified for the free lunch program.
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Now see, I had never had
the free lunch program,
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so I really didn't know the way
the free lunch program go.
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So my mother lost her job.
I qualified for the free lunch program.
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So, imagine me standing in line,
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holding my tray up,
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titties the same size
as they are right now.
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'Cause always been top heavy.
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My jacket is small 'cause Mama
couldn't get a new jacket that year.
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So I'm standing in line,
I got big titties, holding my lunch tray.
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And the lunch lady talking real sleek
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to the free lunch kids.
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She's just talking to us real greasy.
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She hollered, "If you want tater tots,
get in the left line."
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"If you want mashed potatoes,
get in the right line!"
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Well, I was already standing
in the tater tot line.
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And I walk up to the counter.
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She looked at me and she said,
"Baby, you want tater tots?"
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And before I could say anything,
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she grabbed
eight motherfucking tater tots.
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See, nowadays, you have to wear gloves
when you're serving food,
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but back in the day,
this bitch was raw dogging
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my tater tots.
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And her hands looked like
she had pulled the motor that morning.
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So she looked at me.
She said, "You want tater tots?"
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And before I could say no,
she released the motherfucking tater tots.
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She looked at me.
She said, "You want tater tots?"
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I said, "No, ma'am.
I want mashed potatoes."
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She said, "You want mashed potatoes
in the tater tots line?"
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That bitch took her hand
and mashed my motherfucking tater tots.
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She said,
"Now you've got mashed potatoes."
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I went home that day, I told my mom,
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"You've got to get a motherfucking job!"
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"'Cause I can't take this shit."
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"I will not go through this!"
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That's right.
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I will not.
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So I had to do what I had to do
in order to travel.
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I travel for a living.
I travel extensively.
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Listen, I travel so much in the airport
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that I have to just play games
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in order to keep myself amused.
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I'm gonna tell you all one of my
favorite things that I love to do
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in the airport.
If I catch people staring at me--
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First of all, I like to people watch.
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But I like to catch people staring at me,
especially who don't know who I am.
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If I catch you staring at me, listen,
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I will lock eyes with your ass,
and I won't fucking break.
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And I'll take your motherfucking ass down.
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I don't care if man, child,
old, young, handicapped.
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Bitch, I'll lock in.
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And I don't-- Listen,
I'm undefeated in the airport.
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If I catch you staring at me, bitch,
I will break you down till you stop.
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It's one of my
favorite things I like to do.
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I like to travel.
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Listen, traveling has been difficult,
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because we gotta travel with the mask on.
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It's really uncomfortable.
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Security is at an all-time high.
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Maybe you don't know this.
I found it interesting.
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For the first time ever,
they have the first COVID sniffing dog
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in the airport, in Miami.
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COVID sniffing dog. So, here's the thing.
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I don't give a fuck where you're going,
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how much money you paid for your ticket,
who you're with.
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If you're in the Miami airport
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and the COVID sniffing dog sniff you
and he barks,
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your whole fucking trip is done.
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Done.
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I'm telling you.
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You're in the airport
and the dog sniffs you, you're done.
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And here's the interesting part about it.
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Not only do they have a COVID dog,
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but they've got a weed dog,
they got a cocaine dog,
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00:11:05,539 --> 00:11:08,542
and they got the COVID dog,
and they got a bomb sniffing dog.
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So the airport
basically looks like a kennel.
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You just go down the line
and let all the dogs sniff you.
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You pray to God
you make it down the fuckin' line.
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You cross your fingers and pray,
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"Lord, let me just get through
this motherfucking line."
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00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:26,060
So, I'm going
through the airport a week ago.
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I'm getting down to the line.
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The bomb sniffing dog
is the most aggressive dog.
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He's the most aggressive dog.
As I'm coming down the line,
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he starts growling. [growling]
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I'm telling them, "Yo, get the dog.
Get the dog. Get the dog."
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00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:42,368
He said, "He good."
I'm like, "No, get the dog."
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00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:44,662
So, by the time
I get all the way down there,
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the dog broke loose from the man,
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00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:49,208
jumped up, put his paws on my chest.
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00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:52,795
I'm backing up, pushing the dog.
He grabbing at my leggings and shit.
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I'm hitting him back like,
"Yo, get the dog."
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00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:57,216
"Get the dog. Get the dog."
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00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:59,510
But I shouldn't have been surprised,
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'cause, ladies, you know, when you got
that bomb-ass pussy, you expect shit
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00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:06,225
like that to happen in the airport.
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00:12:06,308 --> 00:12:07,518
[whooping]
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00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:08,769
Like, for real.
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00:12:09,353 --> 00:12:10,229
Come on now.
238
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:12,898
Women know that.
239
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:14,650
[cheering]
240
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:15,776
That's right.
241
00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:20,114
Every woman in this bitch,
when we go through the metal detector,
242
00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:22,199
we'll be shocked if we make it through.
243
00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:26,787
We'll be telling everybody, "You go ahead,
'cause this shit is gonna go off on me."
244
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:29,582
"'Cause you know
I've got that thang with me."
245
00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:31,625
"I keep that thang with me."
246
00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:34,920
That's right!
247
00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:37,548
Women expect that shit.
248
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:41,427
I don't know why when I tell that joke
I get bow-legged. I'm like…
249
00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:43,512
[muttering]
250
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,182
[laughter]
251
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:50,770
It's that old school shit.
252
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:53,230
Maybe when niggas used to like
hair on the arm and bow-leg,
253
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:55,357
you could turn on any party with bow-leg.
254
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:58,319
Not no more. They don't give
a fuck about a bow-leg now.
255
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,198
Only people who like bow-legs is janitors.
256
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:09,288
And mechanics.
Nobody else give a fuck about bow-legs.
257
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:12,374
[sighs] When you're
at an airport, it's crazy.
258
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:15,336
I'll tell you something
that I noticed in the airport now.
259
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:18,380
Women still wear hair bonnets.
260
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:19,590
What?
261
00:13:19,673 --> 00:13:23,385
Listen, I seen a bonnet
or two the other day in the airport.
262
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:26,305
As soon as I see a woman
with a bonnet on in the airport,
263
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:29,141
I walk right by, I'll be like,
"Bitch, Mo'Nique gonna get you."
264
00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:32,561
"Ooh, bitch, Mo'Nique gonna get you."
265
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:34,855
Come on now.
266
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:37,525
Those of you that don't know
what I'm talking about.
267
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:39,026
About a year and a half ago,
268
00:13:39,109 --> 00:13:42,363
the actress and comedian
Mo'Nique set it the fuck off.
269
00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:44,698
She put out a public service announcement.
270
00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:47,409
She no longer wanted to see hair bonnets,
271
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:51,163
pajama pants,
and bedroom slippers in public.
272
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:56,210
No longer wanted to see pajama pants,
hair bonnets, and bedroom slippers.
273
00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:58,963
And I'm sitting there thinking,
"Hold on now."
274
00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:00,422
"Pajama pants,
275
00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:02,716
hair bonnets, and bedroom slippers."
276
00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:05,928
"That's a whoop-a-bitch-ass
uniform right there."
277
00:14:06,595 --> 00:14:09,473
Listen, I don't give
a fuck where you're from.
278
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:12,852
If you see a woman in public
with those three combinations,
279
00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:16,021
pajama pants, hair bonnet,
and bedroom slippers,
280
00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:18,649
trust me, she about that life.
281
00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:20,860
Oh, she about that life.
282
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:23,028
And to keep it real with you all, listen,
283
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:26,198
I feel safe when I see
a bonnet or two on my flight.
284
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:29,201
I do!
285
00:14:30,327 --> 00:14:34,248
Listen, I'd have seen TSA,
undercover security, all that shit.
286
00:14:34,331 --> 00:14:38,502
I feel safe when I see
a bonnet or two on my flight.
287
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:42,548
Here's why. When a bonnet
sees some shit that ain't right,
288
00:14:42,631 --> 00:14:44,675
they address that shit immediately.
289
00:14:45,801 --> 00:14:49,096
They do. I was on a flight one time.
A bonnet was on the flight.
290
00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:52,850
The stewardess had just served the drinks.
We hadn't even taken off yet.
291
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:55,811
She stopped the stewardess.
She was like, "Excuse me,
292
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:58,105
but why'd he get the whole can of sprite
293
00:14:58,188 --> 00:15:00,107
and I only get a cup of sprite?"
294
00:15:00,190 --> 00:15:05,237
"We're on the same motherfucking flight
going to the same motherfucking city."
295
00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:09,909
I was sitting there with my drink
like, "Bitch, you're right."
296
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:11,660
"She's right about that."
297
00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,374
That's right. Bitch, you're right.
298
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:20,836
But them bonnets will set it the fuck off.
299
00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:25,633
So Mo'Nique set it off.
300
00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:27,760
And some people had a problem with it.
301
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:30,012
Now here is what I realized about life.
302
00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:32,681
When somebody makes a statement
and people have a problem,
303
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,100
sometimes they have
a problem with the message,
304
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:38,604
or some of the time
they have a problem with the messenger.
305
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:41,857
So lets just break down
who Mo'Nique really is.
306
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,276
First of all,
Mo'Nique is a queen of comedy.
307
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,362
So all due respect to that.
308
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,406
She's a queen of comedy.
309
00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:53,327
Not only is she a queen of comedy,
310
00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:55,120
she's an Oscar winning actress.
311
00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:58,290
She won an Oscar for the movie Precious.
312
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:02,795
And let's just keep it real.
Mo'Nique ain't no punk bitch.
313
00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:06,507
Mo'Nique does set it off
with a few people.
314
00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:10,260
Mo'Nique called Oprah out
on some shit two years ago.
315
00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:13,055
Oprah ain't responded yet.
316
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:18,102
Precious done lost weight
and gained it all back.
317
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:21,772
Oprah still ain't responded to Mo'Nique.
318
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:26,026
Mo'Nique set it off with Tyler Perry.
319
00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:30,364
Tyler Perry or Madea
ain't responded to Mo'Nique yet.
320
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:34,326
But the motherfucking bonnet
spoke up the next day.
321
00:16:35,035 --> 00:16:38,789
The bonnet got a representative.
They were on Instagram the next day.
322
00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:42,501
The bonnets got on Instagram
and told Mo'Nique,
323
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:44,712
"Bitch, mind your motherfucking business."
324
00:16:47,756 --> 00:16:49,466
Mo'Nique came right back at them.
325
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:52,136
She said, "You are my business."
326
00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:54,179
Well, she didn't say it like that.
327
00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:56,432
She said it the way Mo'Nique said it.
328
00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:58,559
She said, "Sweetie…"
329
00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:00,144
"Honey…"
330
00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:01,687
"Baby…"
331
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:04,314
"You are my business."
332
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:05,816
Mo'Nique went so far to say,
333
00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:10,195
"If I see you all in public
with a bonnet on,
334
00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:11,864
I'm gonna confront you."
335
00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:15,909
Them bonnets thought
about that shit. They said, "Confront us?
336
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:19,371
They said, "Oh, pull up on me, bitch."
337
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:22,583
"Yeah, pull up on me, bitch."
338
00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:26,253
I'm sitting there like,
"This is the movie I want to see."
339
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:29,798
Mo'Nique confronts
a bonnet in the airport.
340
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,508
That's the shit I want to see.
341
00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:34,803
They ain't gonna take
that ass-whooping like Precious.
342
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,347
I just really don't think
it's gonna go like that.
343
00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:41,477
So, I got a little cousin, right.
344
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:42,770
I got a little cousin,
345
00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:44,438
who is part bonnet.
346
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:48,442
Come on now. Everybody got
somebody in their family part bonnet.
347
00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:52,738
I got a little cousin.
She's part bonnet, part city girl.
348
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:55,991
For those of you that don't know
who the city girls are,
349
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:58,702
the city girl is a rap group
that's hot right now.
350
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,371
If you're my age,
the city girl ain't nothing
351
00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:04,374
but Salt-N-Pepa
with no drawers on. It's the same shit.
352
00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:10,380
If you're older than that,
it's J. J. Fad in a thong.
353
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:12,216
You know who the fuck I'm talking about.
354
00:18:12,299 --> 00:18:16,428
[vocalizing]
355
00:18:19,389 --> 00:18:21,266
So, I asked my little cousin,
356
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:24,311
who is part bonnet and part city girl.
357
00:18:24,394 --> 00:18:25,437
I said, "Listen,
358
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:28,857
why do you all wear
your hair bonnets in public?"
359
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,235
And she said something ever so simple.
360
00:18:31,318 --> 00:18:33,737
She said, "Nobody said that we couldn't."
361
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:36,490
And it was just that simple.
362
00:18:36,573 --> 00:18:37,950
"Nobody said that we couldn't."
363
00:18:38,033 --> 00:18:40,577
And because
they did not think it was offensive
364
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:43,497
to wear their hair bonnets in public.
365
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:46,416
But think about this.
This is what young people do.
366
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,378
Young people take shit we did in the past,
367
00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,463
put in their own little spin on it,
368
00:18:51,547 --> 00:18:53,590
and then do it their own way.
369
00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:57,052
They take shit we did in the past…
We did the same thing.
370
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,805
Put their own spin on it,
and do it their own way.
371
00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:03,142
Look at what they've done to the twerk.
372
00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:05,936
How the fuck did the twerk
373
00:19:06,019 --> 00:19:08,272
get way down here?
374
00:19:10,190 --> 00:19:11,358
Come on now!
375
00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:13,694
Back in the day,
it was called "pussy popping."
376
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,738
And it was just that simple.
377
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:19,032
You just pop your pussy.
378
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:22,578
As a matter of fact,
I'm popping my pussy right now!
379
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:30,919
Who the fuck put a knee in the pussy pop?
380
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:34,548
That's young people.
381
00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:42,890
Back in the day, the knee bone
was connected to the leg bone.
382
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:45,100
The leg bone connected to the ankle bone.
383
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:47,853
The ankle bone connected to foot bone.
384
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:51,148
Nowadays, the knee bone
is connected to the cash app.
385
00:19:52,941 --> 00:19:55,694
If you do this,
you got to hit your cash app.
386
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:03,243
So, we have collectively agreed
387
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:06,455
that we're going
to stop wearing hair bonnets in public.
388
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:11,627
So here's some other things
I'd like to propose that we get rid of.
389
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:14,755
First thing I'd like
to get rid of is UGG boots.
390
00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:16,965
Come on now, UGGs?
391
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:21,595
We done with UGGs. Them the ugliest
motherfucking boots they ever made.
392
00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:25,140
I'd know. I had a pair.
Them the ugliest motherfucking boots.
393
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:29,478
Them UGGs so ugly you could switch feet,
them bitches still look the same.
394
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,397
You know that's
an ugly motherfucking boot.
395
00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:37,486
And look at women with bare feet.
Women with bare feet love UGGs.
396
00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:41,198
'Cause no matter what's wrong
with your feet, UGGs will fit you.
397
00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:46,745
You have bunions, corns, knocked knees,
slew-footed, duck walk, pigeon-toed,
398
00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:49,414
them motherfucking UGGs will fit your ass.
399
00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:55,045
And the way
you all got quiet in here, I can tell.
400
00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:59,925
♪ There's some UGGs in this house
There's some UGGs in this ♪
401
00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:02,094
Don't pull them ugly bitches out no more.
402
00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:03,512
We're done with them.
403
00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:08,433
And, no, Crocs ain't no better, bitch.
404
00:21:08,517 --> 00:21:10,060
They are so ugly, bitch.
405
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:11,728
Come on now.
406
00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:14,398
Big-headed-ass shoe.
407
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:18,610
Looks like the whole goddamn shoe
got a headache. That's an ugly bitch.
408
00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:22,906
Young people just decorate
that ugly bitch. That bitch is ugly.
409
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:27,035
People my age,
you all know better than that.
410
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,954
You all know that shoe is ugly.
411
00:21:29,037 --> 00:21:31,623
Back in the day,
that would have been the orthopedic shoe.
412
00:21:32,374 --> 00:21:35,002
You would need
a prescription to wear shit like that.
413
00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:41,717
But we got a lot of shit we need
to get some rules and regulations on.
414
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:42,801
We really do.
415
00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:45,804
Like what's the age limit on baby hair?
416
00:21:48,890 --> 00:21:51,685
'Cause I've seen a bitch
with gray baby hair the other day.
417
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:55,689
Bitch, you can't have gray baby hair.
418
00:21:56,898 --> 00:21:57,774
Here's the rule.
419
00:21:57,858 --> 00:21:59,901
If you're too old to have a baby, bitch,
420
00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:01,570
you can't have baby hair.
421
00:22:06,116 --> 00:22:09,036
If your tube's tied,
you can't have baby hair.
422
00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:14,541
You don't wanna have a baby
but you got baby hair. Bull shit.
423
00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:26,428
For the white people
sitting in the audience that's confused,
424
00:22:26,511 --> 00:22:28,722
looking at me like, "What's baby hair?"
425
00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:32,684
I'll tell you what baby hair is.
426
00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:36,772
Baby hair is when we take
regular-ass hair that's sitting in coach
427
00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:40,484
and move it up to first class.
428
00:22:41,109 --> 00:22:44,237
And then we'll be like, "When you get
up there, just show out. Just…"
429
00:22:45,655 --> 00:22:48,617
[laughter]
430
00:22:56,708 --> 00:22:58,794
No, we need to address some of this shit.
431
00:23:00,587 --> 00:23:03,340
'Cause I'm seeing a lot of shit
that's throwing me off.
432
00:23:03,423 --> 00:23:04,841
That's throwing me off.
433
00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:09,221
Like I'm seeing a whole lot of old faces
with new teeth. What the fuck is going on?
434
00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:15,143
And here's the thing. They don't
ever tell you they got new teeth.
435
00:23:15,977 --> 00:23:19,022
You just got to figure
that shit out when you're talking to them.
436
00:23:19,106 --> 00:23:22,025
You'll be sitting there like,
"Something new about this motherfucker."
437
00:23:22,901 --> 00:23:24,528
"No, it ain't his hairline."
438
00:23:24,611 --> 00:23:27,280
"It ain't his eyes. It ain't his nose."
439
00:23:27,364 --> 00:23:31,118
You'll be backing up like,
"Yeah, it's his teeth. It's his teeth."
440
00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:33,036
"It's his teeth. It's his teeth."
441
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:38,458
And you all go out and buy the biggest,
whitest motherfucking teeth they offer.
442
00:23:39,042 --> 00:23:40,502
I'm supposed to sit here
443
00:23:40,585 --> 00:23:44,172
like I don't see these big, white
motherfucking teeth in your face.
444
00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:46,675
You sitting here smiling
like you got a whole row
445
00:23:46,758 --> 00:23:48,677
of Air Force 1 sneakers in your mouth.
446
00:23:52,722 --> 00:23:53,807
Come on now.
447
00:23:56,309 --> 00:23:58,103
And listen, it's a rule, you all.
448
00:23:58,186 --> 00:24:00,981
Your teeth are not supposed
to be whiter than your eyes.
449
00:24:02,607 --> 00:24:04,234
It makes your eyes look brown.
450
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:06,778
I'm standing here talking to you,
451
00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:09,364
you've got Hennessy eyeballs
and cocaine teeth.
452
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:12,617
I'll be like, "Let me leave
before I catch a RICO charge
453
00:24:12,701 --> 00:24:14,286
fucking with this nigga here."
454
00:24:17,956 --> 00:24:19,958
No, we need some rules and regulations.
455
00:24:22,294 --> 00:24:24,546
Like, how far
are we gonna go with the lashes?
456
00:24:29,676 --> 00:24:30,677
How far we goin'?
457
00:24:33,054 --> 00:24:36,099
We need some rules and regulations
on these motherfucking lashes.
458
00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:41,062
We need some rules and regulations
with the lashes. Here's what I say.
459
00:24:41,146 --> 00:24:44,733
If you got on lashes,
at least have on a high-heeled shoe.
460
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:46,902
'Cause here's the thing.
461
00:24:46,985 --> 00:24:50,280
If you got on lashes and flat shoes,
you're sending mixed messages.
462
00:24:51,531 --> 00:24:56,244
See, lashes mean, "Hey, I wanna hang out.
I wanna party. I wanna turn up tonight."
463
00:24:56,328 --> 00:24:58,997
But then you look down
and you got on flat shoes, it's like,
464
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:00,332
"No, bitch, I wanna chill."
465
00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:02,876
So here's the thing.
466
00:25:02,959 --> 00:25:06,630
If you've got on lashes,
at least give me some type of heel.
467
00:25:06,713 --> 00:25:08,465
Get up off the ground a little bit.
468
00:25:08,548 --> 00:25:11,510
Give me a wedge.
Give me a Little Debbie snack cake.
469
00:25:11,593 --> 00:25:13,178
Give me a sanctified shoe.
470
00:25:13,261 --> 00:25:15,388
Come on now, give me a little bit.
471
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:20,060
And the height of your heel
got to match the length of your lash.
472
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:24,064
You can't have all this
motherfucking lash and just a little heel.
473
00:25:24,689 --> 00:25:26,691
You've got to balance that shit out.
474
00:25:27,442 --> 00:25:29,236
We got too much going on.
475
00:25:29,945 --> 00:25:31,488
I knew. Here's when I knew.
476
00:25:32,739 --> 00:25:35,992
Here's when I knew
the lash had gotten out of control.
477
00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:38,662
I had a cousin
who had on a pair of lashes.
478
00:25:39,204 --> 00:25:41,081
And my cousin is straight-up lesbian.
479
00:25:41,581 --> 00:25:42,415
Stud.
480
00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:47,420
I'm talking about, strap her titties down,
keep a strap on in her car, bitch. Stud.
481
00:25:49,339 --> 00:25:51,508
Had on some motherfucking lashes.
482
00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:53,969
She had on no church-lady lashes.
483
00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:56,763
She had on the big motherfuckers,
way out here.
484
00:25:57,305 --> 00:26:00,225
I was shocked, like, "Damn, cuz,
what are you doing with lashes on?"
485
00:26:00,308 --> 00:26:01,810
"I thought you were a stud."
486
00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:05,772
She was like, "Yeah, cuz. Yeah, cuz."
487
00:26:05,855 --> 00:26:08,066
"It's this new shit we're doing."
488
00:26:08,149 --> 00:26:10,694
"It's called eating pussy up
under the palm tree."
489
00:26:19,452 --> 00:26:22,247
I said, "Well, put on a wedge
so you won't be in violation."
490
00:26:22,330 --> 00:26:24,916
"Just put on a little wedge."
491
00:26:26,918 --> 00:26:29,379
Now, everything needs
some rules and regulations.
492
00:26:29,921 --> 00:26:33,174
You're on Facebook,
you need rules and regulations too.
493
00:26:33,717 --> 00:26:35,719
Come on now, you see 'em on Facebook
494
00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:37,554
asking for prayer.
495
00:26:39,097 --> 00:26:42,183
Every day you see
somebody on Facebook asking for prayer.
496
00:26:42,267 --> 00:26:45,437
I seen a girl on my timeline
the other morning. Had her arm out.
497
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:49,149
Had IV on her arm. Just asking
everybody to send some prayers up.
498
00:26:49,232 --> 00:26:51,943
"For your girl.
I'm in the hospital right now."
499
00:26:52,527 --> 00:26:55,697
Then I've seen a dude
who had his feet with the ambulance.
500
00:26:55,780 --> 00:26:57,449
You can see the ambulance
in the background.
501
00:26:57,532 --> 00:27:00,660
Just asking everybody
to send up some prayers for your boy.
502
00:27:01,286 --> 00:27:03,079
"I'm in the hospital right now."
503
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:05,081
Here's the rule.
504
00:27:05,165 --> 00:27:08,084
If you're in the hospital
asking people to pray for you,
505
00:27:08,793 --> 00:27:11,921
you've got to tell us
what the fuck you're in the hospital for
506
00:27:12,672 --> 00:27:14,674
so we can know how to pray.
507
00:27:15,592 --> 00:27:16,843
'Cause the prayer for cancer
508
00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:20,388
and the prayer for yeast infection
is two different prayers.
509
00:27:22,766 --> 00:27:26,227
Cancer. You've got to break your knees
and get all down in the prayer.
510
00:27:26,811 --> 00:27:28,688
A yeast infection, you just bow your head.
511
00:27:28,772 --> 00:27:31,858
"Lord, help her with the itch, Jesus.
Just help her, Jesus."
512
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:42,535
But I love social media. I love it.
513
00:27:42,619 --> 00:27:44,704
That shit keeps me entertained.
514
00:27:45,330 --> 00:27:47,666
Think about it,
it's what got us through the quarantine.
515
00:27:47,749 --> 00:27:49,209
It got us through the quarantine.
516
00:27:49,959 --> 00:27:54,964
I don't know about you all, but listen,
I had a tough time doin' the quarantine.
517
00:27:55,048 --> 00:27:56,841
That shit got rough.
518
00:27:56,925 --> 00:27:59,386
It started out like three weeks.
I'm like, "Okay, cool."
519
00:27:59,469 --> 00:28:02,013
"You know,
we're gonna be in here three weeks."
520
00:28:02,097 --> 00:28:03,556
Then that shit went to three months.
521
00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:06,101
I'm like, "Ooh, this shit getting real."
522
00:28:06,643 --> 00:28:09,270
That shit got to six months… [groaning]
523
00:28:09,354 --> 00:28:11,648
Everybody was goin' through it.
Shit got real.
524
00:28:12,357 --> 00:28:15,443
We had them long days.
I'm talking about real long days.
525
00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:18,238
Some days you ain't even know
what day it was.
526
00:28:18,863 --> 00:28:21,825
And keep it real.
You ain't wash your ass every day.
527
00:28:24,369 --> 00:28:27,580
You was in that bitch
with the loosest clothes you can find.
528
00:28:28,206 --> 00:28:30,458
Walking through the house,
dressed like Jesus and Mary
529
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:32,168
walking through Jerusalem.
530
00:28:32,836 --> 00:28:33,878
[sighing]
531
00:28:34,713 --> 00:28:36,965
Just going through it. Going through it.
532
00:28:37,966 --> 00:28:40,051
You cooked
everything you know how to cook.
533
00:28:40,135 --> 00:28:42,137
You then ran out of recipes and shit.
534
00:28:42,762 --> 00:28:45,640
I deep-fried Froot Loops one time,
just fucking around.
535
00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:48,935
Shit got crazy.
536
00:28:50,270 --> 00:28:54,149
I went 18 months.
Eighteen months with no bra on.
537
00:28:54,232 --> 00:28:55,775
Eighteen months.
538
00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:58,695
I fucked around.
I almost vacuumed up my nipple one time.
539
00:28:58,778 --> 00:29:01,364
I'm in the living room.
I said, "Who the fuck been in here
540
00:29:01,448 --> 00:29:02,699
eating chicken gizzards?"
541
00:29:03,491 --> 00:29:06,119
"Oh, hold on, that's my shit. Hold on."
542
00:29:06,202 --> 00:29:08,455
"Hold on, hold on."
543
00:29:11,166 --> 00:29:12,167
That's right.
544
00:29:13,460 --> 00:29:15,420
But shit got real in quarantine.
545
00:29:15,503 --> 00:29:16,629
Got real.
546
00:29:16,713 --> 00:29:20,800
See, you always had to go home.
You ain't never had to stay home.
547
00:29:21,551 --> 00:29:23,553
So now you were forced to go home
548
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:27,557
and deal with all the decisions
you made thus far in your life.
549
00:29:28,057 --> 00:29:29,559
And shit got real real.
550
00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:33,438
Some of you all realized
your kids didn't even look like you.
551
00:29:34,814 --> 00:29:37,192
You're like, "Come here, junior.
Stand in the light. Goddamn."
552
00:29:37,275 --> 00:29:40,111
"I didn't realize how, junior,
you don't look shit like me. Come here."
553
00:29:40,653 --> 00:29:43,490
"Goddamn. Look, junior
don't look shit like me. Look at junior."
554
00:29:46,201 --> 00:29:47,285
Shit got real.
555
00:29:47,911 --> 00:29:50,747
Right. Social media got us through.
556
00:29:50,830 --> 00:29:53,958
We only had three sources of information.
557
00:29:54,709 --> 00:29:56,044
We had CNN,
558
00:29:56,586 --> 00:29:58,963
the Internet, and the nigga net.
559
00:30:00,173 --> 00:30:02,759
CNN, the Internet,
560
00:30:02,842 --> 00:30:04,177
and the nigga net.
561
00:30:04,260 --> 00:30:06,888
Now, CNN is what
the government was talking about.
562
00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:10,058
The Internet is what
the world was talking about.
563
00:30:10,141 --> 00:30:12,852
The nigga net is what
Black people were talking about.
564
00:30:13,436 --> 00:30:15,563
And the nigga net was popping.
565
00:30:16,439 --> 00:30:18,316
Oh, the nigga net was popping.
566
00:30:18,399 --> 00:30:19,859
And it wasn't all true.
567
00:30:19,943 --> 00:30:21,277
It wasn't all true.
568
00:30:21,361 --> 00:30:24,447
'Cause if you think back
when the quarantine first dropped
569
00:30:24,531 --> 00:30:26,032
and COVID first came out,
570
00:30:26,115 --> 00:30:28,868
the nigga net said
Black people couldn't get this shit.
571
00:30:29,911 --> 00:30:33,748
We were sitting at home talking about,
"Yeah, 'cause the melanin in our skin,
572
00:30:33,832 --> 00:30:36,918
when the sun comes down,
it blocks the rays,
573
00:30:37,001 --> 00:30:39,796
and we don't absorb it
'cause it ain't in our blood
574
00:30:39,879 --> 00:30:42,215
to be able to accept the COVID."
575
00:30:42,298 --> 00:30:44,759
Like, bitch, this is America.
576
00:30:44,843 --> 00:30:48,179
The only thing we can't get
is a loan from the bank, bitch.
577
00:30:48,263 --> 00:30:49,556
We can get it.
578
00:30:50,598 --> 00:30:51,599
Yes.
579
00:30:53,351 --> 00:30:56,563
Yeah, the nigga net said
we couldn't get COVID, for two days.
580
00:30:57,272 --> 00:31:00,400
All until somebody's grandma
fucked around and got sick.
581
00:31:00,483 --> 00:31:01,943
People on the Internet were like,
582
00:31:02,026 --> 00:31:04,571
"Fuck that shit.
My grandma is here sick as a bitch."
583
00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:09,492
Then Black people got serious.
584
00:31:10,118 --> 00:31:13,121
Let me tell you,
when Black people got it, we got serious.
585
00:31:13,204 --> 00:31:15,248
We locked ourselves in the house.
586
00:31:15,331 --> 00:31:19,294
Started tapping into the nigga net
finding out what everybody else was doing.
587
00:31:19,377 --> 00:31:22,839
Black people started taking all type
of vitamins, supplements, herbs.
588
00:31:23,506 --> 00:31:27,093
We, in that bitch,
taking elderberry, vitamin C, B12.
589
00:31:29,012 --> 00:31:31,180
You had thug niggas on sea moss.
590
00:31:32,807 --> 00:31:34,934
Hell yeah, I'm on the moss right now.
591
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:37,562
I put a little moss on my weed.
592
00:31:39,939 --> 00:31:42,609
You had thug niggas on sea moss.
593
00:31:45,069 --> 00:31:46,529
Shit was real.
594
00:31:48,156 --> 00:31:49,365
It was real.
595
00:31:50,283 --> 00:31:51,367
We was in that bitch--
596
00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:53,745
Here's the thing
that was funny about Black people.
597
00:31:53,828 --> 00:31:57,540
'Cause we're one of them people,
we talk shit, but we're gonna comply.
598
00:31:57,624 --> 00:32:00,543
Oh, yeah. We were talking shit,
but we were still complying.
599
00:32:00,627 --> 00:32:01,753
We really was.
600
00:32:01,836 --> 00:32:04,088
'Cause think about
when they let us out of the house.
601
00:32:04,172 --> 00:32:07,550
When they finally let us out of the house,
everybody had a mask on,
602
00:32:07,634 --> 00:32:10,178
you had gloves on,
you didn't want to touch shit.
603
00:32:10,261 --> 00:32:14,223
You had sunglasses on, 'cause motherfucker
said it could go through your eyeballs.
604
00:32:14,307 --> 00:32:18,019
We were in the motherfucking grocery store
walking down the aisles and shit.
605
00:32:18,102 --> 00:32:20,563
Staying six feet apart
from motherfuckers like…
606
00:32:23,858 --> 00:32:26,027
When you walk up to a bitch,
that was a crime!
607
00:32:26,110 --> 00:32:28,154
You were like,
"That bitch tried to walk up on me."
608
00:32:28,237 --> 00:32:30,698
I was like, "Nigga,
you trying to kill me, nigga?"
609
00:32:31,282 --> 00:32:33,117
"That bitch tried to walk up on me."
610
00:32:38,581 --> 00:32:40,583
We were serious with that shit.
611
00:32:43,711 --> 00:32:48,549
I used to like to sit in the parking lot
of a grocery store or something.
612
00:32:48,633 --> 00:32:51,636
Watch people get to the store
and forget their masks.
613
00:32:51,719 --> 00:32:53,554
Ever watch somebody do that shit?
614
00:32:53,638 --> 00:32:56,349
They get up there
and realize their mask is in the car.
615
00:32:56,432 --> 00:32:58,893
Looked like they had
a seizure at the front door.
616
00:32:58,977 --> 00:33:00,436
"God damn!"
617
00:33:04,774 --> 00:33:07,026
You want to get to the door,
cover your mouth,
618
00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:08,736
"Let's just get a bag of chips."
619
00:33:09,362 --> 00:33:12,740
"Just throw me some gum and chips.
Here's my card. Swipe my card."
620
00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:22,583
Black people, we were scared.
621
00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:24,585
And here is how I knew we were scared.
622
00:33:24,669 --> 00:33:26,295
I knew we were scared because,
623
00:33:26,796 --> 00:33:29,298
we were coming out and admitting
624
00:33:30,133 --> 00:33:31,259
that we had COVID.
625
00:33:32,135 --> 00:33:35,430
You know how many other
diseases and viruses there are out there?
626
00:33:35,513 --> 00:33:38,057
People will die and take to their grave.
627
00:33:38,141 --> 00:33:39,475
But we were so scared
628
00:33:39,559 --> 00:33:41,894
that every day
we were updating the Internet,
629
00:33:41,978 --> 00:33:44,355
telling people if we've tested positive.
630
00:33:44,439 --> 00:33:46,190
Motherfuckers were scared.
631
00:33:46,274 --> 00:33:50,028
And who was the first Black celebrity
to admit they had COVID?
632
00:33:50,111 --> 00:33:52,989
First Black celebrity
to admit he had COVID
633
00:33:53,072 --> 00:33:55,658
was Idris Elba. The actor.
634
00:33:56,284 --> 00:34:00,038
And every woman in this bitch
instantly put him on the dirty dick list.
635
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:03,166
"You're right. I want none of that dick."
636
00:34:03,249 --> 00:34:06,210
"I'm good. I used to want some,
but I'm good with that."
637
00:34:08,921 --> 00:34:11,174
They put him on the dirty dick list.
638
00:34:11,924 --> 00:34:15,845
Dick ain't got nothing to do with COVID,
but we put him on the dirty dick list.
639
00:34:17,472 --> 00:34:22,685
Come on now. Idris ain't
the only celebrity on the dirty dick list.
640
00:34:22,769 --> 00:34:25,354
Usher been
on the dirty dick list for four years.
641
00:34:26,814 --> 00:34:30,109
I've been trying to get Usher
off the dirty dick list for four years.
642
00:34:30,193 --> 00:34:32,403
We know that girl lied on Usher.
643
00:34:32,487 --> 00:34:35,782
Please let him off the dirty dick list.
644
00:34:37,116 --> 00:34:39,744
I'm telling you now,
that's the worst list to get on.
645
00:34:39,827 --> 00:34:42,038
You don't ever want
to get on the dirty dick list.
646
00:34:42,663 --> 00:34:46,501
If you ever get on the dirty dick list,
the only way you can get off
647
00:34:46,584 --> 00:34:50,213
is if a bitch we know personally
jack your dick with a Clorox hand wipe.
648
00:34:51,422 --> 00:34:55,009
That's the only way
you can get off the dirty dick list.
649
00:34:57,261 --> 00:34:59,764
But the Internet entertained us.
It entertained us.
650
00:34:59,847 --> 00:35:04,227
And listen, people turned around and
found hidden talents within themselves.
651
00:35:04,310 --> 00:35:06,938
People made
millions of dollars on the Internet.
652
00:35:07,563 --> 00:35:10,900
Look at how grown people took over TikTok.
653
00:35:10,983 --> 00:35:12,985
Come on now, before the quarantine,
654
00:35:13,069 --> 00:35:16,030
TikTok was nothing
but kids on there doing shit like…
655
00:35:21,619 --> 00:35:23,704
Six months into quarantine,
656
00:35:23,788 --> 00:35:25,873
you had grown women
on there telling to buss it.
657
00:35:26,499 --> 00:35:28,251
Buss it! Buss it!
658
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:31,963
So these bitches
are selling pussy on TikTok.
659
00:35:37,343 --> 00:35:39,262
But people stepped into action.
660
00:35:39,345 --> 00:35:40,763
People stepped into action.
661
00:35:41,430 --> 00:35:43,099
They started cooking,
662
00:35:43,182 --> 00:35:45,309
rapping, playing music.
663
00:35:45,393 --> 00:35:47,687
Motherfuckers doing makeup,
664
00:35:47,770 --> 00:35:49,647
DJing, telling jokes,
665
00:35:49,730 --> 00:35:50,815
doing skits.
666
00:35:50,898 --> 00:35:52,817
And people really became famous
667
00:35:52,900 --> 00:35:55,361
and took off like it was
a whole nother world.
668
00:35:55,444 --> 00:35:56,529
A whole nother world.
669
00:35:57,613 --> 00:36:00,741
This is where
we were introduced to Kevin Samuels.
670
00:36:01,367 --> 00:36:02,952
May he rest in peace.
671
00:36:03,035 --> 00:36:05,830
Kevin Samuels-- See, Kevin Samuels was a--
672
00:36:06,497 --> 00:36:10,001
He called himself an image consultant.
He wasn't a relationship expert,
673
00:36:10,918 --> 00:36:12,378
but for some reason,
674
00:36:12,461 --> 00:36:16,924
women always wanted him to analyze
their relationship in their lives.
675
00:36:17,008 --> 00:36:20,344
One thing about Kevin Samuels.
He had an opinion.
676
00:36:20,428 --> 00:36:21,888
He stood on that shit,
677
00:36:21,971 --> 00:36:24,015
and he did not waver, whatsoever.
678
00:36:24,098 --> 00:36:26,392
First of all, he had all of our attention.
679
00:36:26,475 --> 00:36:28,311
But let's keep it real.
680
00:36:28,394 --> 00:36:30,980
Kevin Samuels was
a different type of dude.
681
00:36:31,063 --> 00:36:33,316
And what I was amazed by
682
00:36:33,399 --> 00:36:35,943
was how women would cry
683
00:36:36,027 --> 00:36:38,070
to get this man's approval
684
00:36:38,154 --> 00:36:39,989
and acceptance of their life.
685
00:36:40,072 --> 00:36:41,115
He was strict.
686
00:36:41,199 --> 00:36:44,202
Like, if you would talk out of line,
he'd hang up on your ass,
687
00:36:44,285 --> 00:36:45,703
and they'll call right back.
688
00:36:46,579 --> 00:36:48,497
Here's the thing I want to tell women.
689
00:36:48,581 --> 00:36:51,876
If somebody don't like you,
then you are not their type.
690
00:36:52,543 --> 00:36:54,253
It's just that simple.
691
00:36:55,713 --> 00:36:58,090
And listen, I respect Kevin Samuels,
692
00:36:58,174 --> 00:37:00,718
but Kevin Samuels wasn't talking to me.
693
00:37:01,594 --> 00:37:05,765
Let me tell you something. A motherfucker
that got on a turtleneck and a choker
694
00:37:05,848 --> 00:37:07,350
can't make me cry.
695
00:37:08,851 --> 00:37:11,270
I don't give a fuck
what you're talking about.
696
00:37:11,896 --> 00:37:14,941
A turtleneck and choker?
Yeah, you ain't talking to me.
697
00:37:16,108 --> 00:37:17,610
You just ain't talking to me.
698
00:37:18,277 --> 00:37:20,655
And don't get me wrong,
Kevin Samuels is good-looking.
699
00:37:20,738 --> 00:37:23,366
He was good-looking. Very distinguished.
700
00:37:23,449 --> 00:37:24,450
Gentleman-like.
701
00:37:24,533 --> 00:37:26,744
He would always keep
his cologne right there,
702
00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:29,413
let you all know he was smelling good.
703
00:37:29,497 --> 00:37:31,415
But let's keep it real.
704
00:37:31,499 --> 00:37:33,584
Kevin Samuels looked like the type of man
705
00:37:33,668 --> 00:37:36,379
that would fold his clothes
before you all fuck.
706
00:37:39,131 --> 00:37:41,467
I'm gonna wear that pussy out.
707
00:37:42,885 --> 00:37:46,264
You just wait
until I finish folding these khakis.
708
00:37:47,598 --> 00:37:50,184
I'm gonna wear that pussy out.
709
00:37:51,811 --> 00:37:55,773
You just wait
till I finish folding these khakis.
710
00:37:58,276 --> 00:37:59,360
Shit.
711
00:38:00,111 --> 00:38:02,571
I like the type of man that,
when we finish fucking,
712
00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:04,615
can't nobody find their clothes.
713
00:38:05,491 --> 00:38:09,078
Oh, my God, hold on.
Here's your drawers. These are yours.
714
00:38:09,161 --> 00:38:10,538
Your drawers.
715
00:38:11,038 --> 00:38:13,374
My bra is over here somewhere.
716
00:38:16,669 --> 00:38:19,130
And listen, he died in true pimp fashion.
717
00:38:19,755 --> 00:38:22,758
He died on top of a woman
he had met that night.
718
00:38:22,842 --> 00:38:25,094
I'm not saying he was buying pussy,
719
00:38:25,177 --> 00:38:27,430
but I'm saying,
he had to be a man of his word
720
00:38:27,513 --> 00:38:29,265
and she had to be satisfied.
721
00:38:29,348 --> 00:38:32,601
If he was with a woman
and she didn't get what you promised her,
722
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:36,022
oh bitch, you would have been dead
but she would have went live.
723
00:38:36,105 --> 00:38:39,358
She'd be holding that camera like,
"This fucker trying to act dead,
724
00:38:39,442 --> 00:38:40,860
but he owe me money."
725
00:38:40,943 --> 00:38:43,946
"This bitch gonna wake up tonight.
He ain't dead."
726
00:38:46,073 --> 00:38:48,868
I've never seen
anything like that in my life.
727
00:38:49,869 --> 00:38:52,663
But there's a lot of shit
that I'm amazed about in this society.
728
00:38:52,747 --> 00:38:55,124
A lot of shit. Shit like Uber.
729
00:38:55,207 --> 00:38:57,418
I am shocked at Uber.
730
00:38:57,501 --> 00:39:01,714
Well, you don't ride in a car
with a motherfucker you don't know.
731
00:39:02,381 --> 00:39:04,925
Come on now,
I grew up with stranger danger.
732
00:39:05,593 --> 00:39:08,554
You just didn't ride in a car
with people you don't know.
733
00:39:08,637 --> 00:39:10,806
But this is where we are in this country.
734
00:39:10,890 --> 00:39:13,768
We ride in a car
with people we don't know.
735
00:39:14,393 --> 00:39:17,271
Come on, if you were my age,
you'd know better than that.
736
00:39:17,355 --> 00:39:20,775
You know you ain't comfortable
in a car with a fucker you don't know.
737
00:39:21,525 --> 00:39:23,444
You'd be so goddamned scared,
738
00:39:23,527 --> 00:39:25,863
he's sitting in the front seat
with his GPS on,
739
00:39:25,946 --> 00:39:28,199
you're in the back seat with your GPS on
740
00:39:28,282 --> 00:39:30,576
watching his every motherfucking move.
741
00:39:30,659 --> 00:39:34,538
He fuck around, make one wrong move,
you'll be like, "Why are you going left?"
742
00:39:34,622 --> 00:39:36,499
"Excuse me, why are you going left?"
743
00:39:36,582 --> 00:39:39,085
"Why are you turning left right here?"
744
00:39:40,795 --> 00:39:43,672
He's scared of your ass too,
looking at you in the rearview mirror.
745
00:39:43,756 --> 00:39:46,384
Like, "Why you ain't drive?
Why you ain't drive?"
746
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:52,556
Come on now.
747
00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:58,020
You know you seen Uber situations
that don't look right.
748
00:39:58,104 --> 00:40:00,856
First of all, the people
don't look like they match.
749
00:40:01,399 --> 00:40:03,609
When you're walking past,
you do a double take like,
750
00:40:03,692 --> 00:40:05,694
"What the fuck are they doing together?"
751
00:40:06,278 --> 00:40:09,407
Well, here we are,
riding with motherfuckers we don't know.
752
00:40:09,990 --> 00:40:13,452
And on top of Uber, we've got Uber Eats,
753
00:40:13,953 --> 00:40:17,790
where you let a bitch you don't know
bring you your food.
754
00:40:18,791 --> 00:40:22,420
Listen, I don't even turn
my back on a person making my plate.
755
00:40:24,004 --> 00:40:26,549
How the fuck do you let
somebody bring you your food
756
00:40:26,632 --> 00:40:28,050
and you don't know them?
757
00:40:29,051 --> 00:40:30,261
But that's where we are.
758
00:40:31,011 --> 00:40:33,180
See, it's not a natural thing either.
759
00:40:33,264 --> 00:40:35,766
You all know you look at shit
and it don't look natural.
760
00:40:35,850 --> 00:40:37,268
See, back in the day,
761
00:40:37,810 --> 00:40:39,603
when you see people together,
762
00:40:39,687 --> 00:40:42,523
and they don't look naturally
like they belong together,
763
00:40:42,606 --> 00:40:47,069
usually, it was some type
of transaction going down.
764
00:40:47,153 --> 00:40:49,488
Come on now. Back in the day,
765
00:40:49,572 --> 00:40:52,867
if you seen a Black girl
in a car with a white dude,
766
00:40:52,950 --> 00:40:56,036
you'd be like,
"Somebody is selling some pussy."
767
00:40:59,415 --> 00:41:02,334
If you seen a Black dude in a car
with a white girl, you'd be like,
768
00:41:02,418 --> 00:41:04,545
"Somebody is buying some cocaine."
769
00:41:06,922 --> 00:41:09,842
If you see three little Asian girls
in a car with a white man, you are like,
770
00:41:09,925 --> 00:41:13,137
"What in the sex-trafficking
is going on over here?"
771
00:41:16,849 --> 00:41:17,725
Uber
772
00:41:18,434 --> 00:41:19,518
and Uber Eats
773
00:41:20,102 --> 00:41:22,480
is a billion-dollar business.
774
00:41:22,563 --> 00:41:24,398
Multiple billion-dollar business.
775
00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:27,735
I think I'll come up with an app.
I want you all to do me a favor.
776
00:41:27,818 --> 00:41:29,361
Everybody, just take a minute,
777
00:41:29,445 --> 00:41:30,488
take a deep breath,
778
00:41:31,697 --> 00:41:33,449
be open-minded to this.
779
00:41:33,532 --> 00:41:35,117
Think outside the box a little bit.
780
00:41:35,826 --> 00:41:37,244
What I want to call the app…
781
00:41:37,995 --> 00:41:40,539
I want to call it Uber Beats.
782
00:41:41,332 --> 00:41:43,459
And what it is, it's an app
783
00:41:43,542 --> 00:41:45,044
that you can call us
784
00:41:45,127 --> 00:41:47,963
to come and whoop a bitch-ass for you.
785
00:41:49,882 --> 00:41:51,884
I know it sounds far-fetched.
786
00:41:52,384 --> 00:41:54,220
But just think just a little bit.
787
00:41:54,970 --> 00:41:56,597
Everybody in here
788
00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:59,517
has at least one person on your job
789
00:42:00,559 --> 00:42:03,229
you wish that you can
whoop this bitch-ass.
790
00:42:04,647 --> 00:42:06,315
But you need your job.
791
00:42:07,066 --> 00:42:10,110
But the beautiful thing about it
is you have Uber Beats.
792
00:42:11,612 --> 00:42:12,947
So, think about it.
793
00:42:13,030 --> 00:42:16,825
You put a five o'clock hit on this bitch
794
00:42:16,909 --> 00:42:17,910
on Friday.
795
00:42:18,911 --> 00:42:21,330
You're excited all motherfucking day long
796
00:42:21,413 --> 00:42:24,458
'cause you know she getting
her ass whooped at five o'clock.
797
00:42:26,752 --> 00:42:28,420
4:55 p.m.,
798
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:30,756
and right on time,
799
00:42:31,632 --> 00:42:33,926
a bitch pull up in a red Cutlass
800
00:42:36,637 --> 00:42:37,888
with a bonnet on.
801
00:42:39,473 --> 00:42:41,517
You be like, "Yes!"
802
00:42:42,017 --> 00:42:42,977
"Uber Beats."
803
00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:46,188
Just like you paid for.
804
00:42:46,689 --> 00:42:51,360
She make it to the parking lot,
and she whoop her motherfucking ass.
805
00:42:52,653 --> 00:42:53,737
Monday come,
806
00:42:54,238 --> 00:42:55,948
she showed back up at work.
807
00:42:56,448 --> 00:42:59,326
She got a busted lip, a black eye.
808
00:42:59,410 --> 00:43:01,745
You try to play it off
like you don't know what happened.
809
00:43:01,829 --> 00:43:05,416
"Oh, my God! Karen, what happened to you?"
810
00:43:06,458 --> 00:43:09,795
She's like, "You won't fucking believe
what happened to me Friday."
811
00:43:10,879 --> 00:43:14,383
"I'm walking to my car,
minding my fucking business,
812
00:43:15,342 --> 00:43:19,597
and out of nowhere
this girl comes and whoops my ass!"
813
00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:23,892
"And she had on a fucking chef hat.
I don't know where she came from."
814
00:43:26,353 --> 00:43:28,981
And you'll be sitting there like, "Yes!"
815
00:43:29,732 --> 00:43:31,483
"Five stars for Shamika."
816
00:43:33,944 --> 00:43:35,321
Uber Beats.
817
00:43:38,324 --> 00:43:40,659
I think it's a hit. I think it's a hit.
818
00:43:43,370 --> 00:43:47,249
We got a black and blue division
for bitch-ass niggas, men.
819
00:43:47,333 --> 00:43:49,501
Don't worry, we can get them for you too.
820
00:43:53,047 --> 00:43:54,590
Quarantine was rough for me.
821
00:43:55,174 --> 00:43:58,302
I had days where I dealt with depression.
822
00:43:58,844 --> 00:43:59,970
Dealt with depression.
823
00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:03,140
My father died
right before quarantine started.
824
00:44:03,223 --> 00:44:05,225
My father died. He passed away.
825
00:44:05,309 --> 00:44:06,518
And what was crazy is,
826
00:44:07,353 --> 00:44:12,524
through all my adulthood,
we'd had a rocky relationship.
827
00:44:12,608 --> 00:44:15,194
Rocky relationship.
We didn't always see eye to eye.
828
00:44:15,277 --> 00:44:19,073
It wasn't until the last two years
that we started spending time together.
829
00:44:19,156 --> 00:44:23,160
And I realized that we had more
in common than I ever could imagine.
830
00:44:23,243 --> 00:44:26,955
I spent all these years
being upset over shit from the past
831
00:44:27,039 --> 00:44:30,084
that I wish I would have
just let go years ago.
832
00:44:30,167 --> 00:44:33,128
-Right? So… [sighs]
-[applause]
833
00:44:33,212 --> 00:44:35,798
I'm saying, if you're not right
with certain people,
834
00:44:35,881 --> 00:44:39,176
take your time and get it right.
Take your time and get it right.
835
00:44:42,888 --> 00:44:45,265
The day before my father passed,
836
00:44:45,349 --> 00:44:47,935
Kobe Bryant and his daughter passed.
837
00:44:48,018 --> 00:44:50,104
When Kobe Bryant and his daughter passed,
838
00:44:50,187 --> 00:44:53,357
it sparked a big movement
all over the Internet.
839
00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:55,693
#GirlDad.
840
00:44:55,776 --> 00:44:56,944
#GirlDad,
841
00:44:57,027 --> 00:45:00,197
where men from all over the country
were getting into their daughter's lives.
842
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:02,408
They were stepping up,
proud to be fathers.
843
00:45:02,491 --> 00:45:05,119
They were posting pictures
with their girls together.
844
00:45:05,202 --> 00:45:06,537
It made me feel so good.
845
00:45:06,620 --> 00:45:09,623
#GirlDad. #GirlDad.
846
00:45:09,707 --> 00:45:11,583
#GirlDad was such a big movement
847
00:45:11,667 --> 00:45:13,877
that my cousin,
an elementary school teacher,
848
00:45:13,961 --> 00:45:17,047
said that fathers were
getting back in their daughter's lives.
849
00:45:17,131 --> 00:45:20,551
The PTA meetings were crowded
'cause the daddies were showing up.
850
00:45:20,634 --> 00:45:23,178
They said the daddy-daughter dance
was so crowded
851
00:45:23,262 --> 00:45:26,515
'cause the real dad showed up,
the stepdad showed up,
852
00:45:26,598 --> 00:45:29,476
and the nigga the mama was fucking
showed up. Everybody
853
00:45:30,269 --> 00:45:32,354
was holding on to baby girl's hand.
854
00:45:34,273 --> 00:45:36,024
Baby girl was scared in the motherfucker.
855
00:45:36,108 --> 00:45:37,985
She never been this popular.
856
00:45:45,534 --> 00:45:48,162
#GirlDad was such a big movement,
857
00:45:48,245 --> 00:45:51,165
that even Dwyane Wade
and his son got in on the action.
858
00:45:57,045 --> 00:45:58,672
And it was a beautiful thing.
859
00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:00,424
Listen, it was a beautiful thing.
860
00:46:01,175 --> 00:46:03,260
The Internet was accepting of that.
861
00:46:03,343 --> 00:46:05,721
The Internet was accepting.
862
00:46:05,804 --> 00:46:07,723
Listen, the Internet
was accepting of the fact
863
00:46:07,806 --> 00:46:10,184
that the little boy
wanted to express himself
864
00:46:10,267 --> 00:46:11,643
by dressing like a woman.
865
00:46:12,227 --> 00:46:13,812
Listen, they accepted that.
866
00:46:13,896 --> 00:46:16,857
Now, the nigga net had a problem with it.
867
00:46:16,940 --> 00:46:19,318
The nigga net threw grease in the game.
868
00:46:19,401 --> 00:46:22,988
Somebody on the nigga net said the boy
wanted to have a sex change.
869
00:46:23,614 --> 00:46:25,991
And people like the rapper
Lil Boosie Badazz
870
00:46:26,074 --> 00:46:28,243
lost his motherfucking mind.
871
00:46:28,869 --> 00:46:33,582
Lil Boosie Badazz was all on the Internet
talking about, "Hell no, Dwyane Wade!"
872
00:46:33,665 --> 00:46:36,168
"Don't cut his dick off, man!"
873
00:46:36,251 --> 00:46:38,545
"Don't cut his dick off, Dwyane!"
874
00:46:39,129 --> 00:46:43,383
"He ain't but ten years old, Dwyane.
Don't cut his dick off!"
875
00:46:44,802 --> 00:46:48,055
I'm sitting there like, the boy never said
he wanted his dick off.
876
00:46:48,555 --> 00:46:50,265
He didn't even say he was gay.
877
00:46:50,933 --> 00:46:54,353
I thought he just wanted to wear
a little wedge heel, a little dress.
878
00:46:55,270 --> 00:46:57,147
But think about that.
879
00:46:57,231 --> 00:46:58,899
We are embarking
880
00:46:59,983 --> 00:47:01,193
on a society
881
00:47:01,819 --> 00:47:04,321
that is giving voice to children.
882
00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:07,366
Not to say that it's bad or it's good.
883
00:47:07,449 --> 00:47:08,617
But it's new.
884
00:47:08,700 --> 00:47:10,077
It's very new.
885
00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:11,870
Think about when we were growing up.
886
00:47:11,954 --> 00:47:14,081
I wish the fuck
you would have told your mother
887
00:47:14,164 --> 00:47:16,166
you wanted to wear a dress.
888
00:47:16,750 --> 00:47:19,336
First of all, she wouldn't
even entertain that shit.
889
00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:22,589
If you told her
you wanted to wear a dress, she'd say,
890
00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:26,552
"You better dress your ass and do dishes.
That's what the fuck you better do."
891
00:47:26,635 --> 00:47:28,679
She wouldn't even entertain that shit.
892
00:47:29,304 --> 00:47:31,974
Then you'd have heard her
talk to one of your aunts.
893
00:47:32,057 --> 00:47:35,185
"Girl, you won't believe
what this silly motherfucker said."
894
00:47:35,269 --> 00:47:37,187
"Told me he want to wear a dress."
895
00:47:37,271 --> 00:47:40,941
"He's still pissing in the bed.
What you gonna do? Piss on your dress?"
896
00:47:41,024 --> 00:47:42,651
"He's gonna piss on his dress."
897
00:47:46,029 --> 00:47:48,615
Your mother would have
never even entertained that.
898
00:47:49,241 --> 00:47:50,617
We are living a world
899
00:47:51,577 --> 00:47:54,913
that's opening up the minds
of young people. If you think about it,
900
00:47:55,581 --> 00:47:58,792
older people, because of our experiences,
we have a lot of fears.
901
00:47:58,876 --> 00:48:00,252
Young people have no fears.
902
00:48:00,335 --> 00:48:03,589
What I'm telling you, it's a brave,
new world that we're entering.
903
00:48:03,672 --> 00:48:05,841
But I want young people
to understand this.
904
00:48:07,009 --> 00:48:11,013
You all live in a world right now
where you all have all the knowledge.
905
00:48:11,096 --> 00:48:12,139
All the knowledge.
906
00:48:12,222 --> 00:48:15,434
We live in a world where you can
no longer say, "I don't know."
907
00:48:15,934 --> 00:48:19,062
You can Google and find out
any fucking thing you want to know.
908
00:48:19,146 --> 00:48:22,900
But you've got to respect
the difference in knowledge and wisdom.
909
00:48:23,692 --> 00:48:24,985
See, knowledge is having it,
910
00:48:25,068 --> 00:48:27,654
but wisdom is knowing
how to work through that shit.
911
00:48:28,155 --> 00:48:30,949
There are some people on this earth
that have wisdom.
912
00:48:31,033 --> 00:48:33,702
And there's a difference
in knowledge and wisdom.
913
00:48:33,785 --> 00:48:36,455
And my best analogy of that is this.
914
00:48:36,538 --> 00:48:39,791
When you were little,
everybody told you to brush your teeth,
915
00:48:39,875 --> 00:48:41,835
to clean your mouth and keep it fresh.
916
00:48:41,919 --> 00:48:45,380
And you just brushed your teeth,
brushed your teeth, brushed your teeth.
917
00:48:45,464 --> 00:48:46,632
That's the knowledge.
918
00:48:47,299 --> 00:48:51,762
But the wisdom was when you found out
the tongue was the funky motherfucker.
919
00:48:54,890 --> 00:48:57,309
We got some shit
we're dealing with in our family
920
00:48:57,392 --> 00:48:59,394
when it comes to knowledge and wisdom.
921
00:49:00,103 --> 00:49:02,898
I got an uncle who lost his leg
about six years ago.
922
00:49:02,981 --> 00:49:06,109
He's been living without a leg.
He's got a little nub.
923
00:49:06,193 --> 00:49:08,403
And the nub always been fine.
924
00:49:08,487 --> 00:49:11,448
But lately,
he been on Facebook showing out.
925
00:49:12,240 --> 00:49:14,952
Standing on Facebook,
swinging the motherfucking nub.
926
00:49:15,035 --> 00:49:20,832
"I want a leg. I want a leg.
I want a leg. I want a leg."
927
00:49:21,416 --> 00:49:22,960
Everybody in the family got embarrassed.
928
00:49:23,043 --> 00:49:27,089
"Oh, my God. He on Facebook
talking about he want a leg."
929
00:49:27,172 --> 00:49:29,591
"We need to chip in and get him a leg."
930
00:49:30,384 --> 00:49:33,553
So we all decided as a family
we're going to chip in and get him a leg.
931
00:49:33,637 --> 00:49:37,099
Thirty motherfuckers showed up.
Some people came by Zoom.
932
00:49:37,182 --> 00:49:39,309
I did show up late to the meeting.
933
00:49:39,393 --> 00:49:42,479
But when I came to the meeting,
he looked at me and saw me,
934
00:49:42,562 --> 00:49:44,439
and he thought the budget went up.
935
00:49:44,523 --> 00:49:47,693
The motherfucker asked
for a Blade Runner leg. I'm like, "No."
936
00:49:48,860 --> 00:49:50,487
"No."
937
00:49:51,113 --> 00:49:54,074
"You don't even walk fast. Why the fuck
do you want a Blade Runner leg?"
938
00:49:55,450 --> 00:49:58,620
"Seventy-six with a Blade Runner leg?
No, sir. No, sir."
939
00:50:01,206 --> 00:50:02,499
So now,
940
00:50:02,582 --> 00:50:05,168
because I came late to the meeting,
941
00:50:05,252 --> 00:50:06,920
they let my little cousin,
942
00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:10,590
"knowledge" no wisdom, run the show.
943
00:50:10,674 --> 00:50:13,593
Now here's the thing.
I ain't hating on knowledge no wisdom.
944
00:50:13,677 --> 00:50:16,763
But, 'cause he got shit popping,
he a fly little motherfucker.
945
00:50:16,847 --> 00:50:20,475
Got shit popping. Got his own car.
Got his own crib. Doing his own thing.
946
00:50:20,559 --> 00:50:23,520
Got more followers than me on Facebook.
So, he popping.
947
00:50:23,603 --> 00:50:26,023
But he got knowledge and no wisdom.
948
00:50:26,106 --> 00:50:28,233
I showed up. I said, "What are you doing?"
949
00:50:28,316 --> 00:50:30,068
"How far are you with the program?"
950
00:50:30,152 --> 00:50:33,196
"Have you called the doctor?
What did the doctor say about the leg?"
951
00:50:33,280 --> 00:50:36,783
"We're not going to the doctor.
We'll go straight to the manufacturer."
952
00:50:36,867 --> 00:50:40,871
"As a matter of fact, we're in the process
right now." I said, "Oh, okay."
953
00:50:41,663 --> 00:50:43,665
'Cause sometimes
that's what you've got to say
954
00:50:43,749 --> 00:50:45,584
to knowledge no wisdom.
955
00:50:45,667 --> 00:50:46,710
"Okay."
956
00:50:48,503 --> 00:50:51,757
So, they started doing the research
right there in the room.
957
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:53,759
What we found out, true shit,
958
00:50:53,842 --> 00:50:57,846
was that the Black leg
is more expensive than the white leg.
959
00:50:59,181 --> 00:51:01,933
So one of my cousins hollered,
"Fuck it, get him a white leg!"
960
00:51:02,017 --> 00:51:04,436
I said, "I'm with that shit.
I'm with that."
961
00:51:05,145 --> 00:51:07,522
Seventy-six, get him a white leg. Fuck it.
962
00:51:10,734 --> 00:51:11,693
So,
963
00:51:12,569 --> 00:51:14,863
by this time, the room is chaos, right.
964
00:51:15,906 --> 00:51:19,284
So, I just put my money down.
I said, "I'm gonna put my money down."
965
00:51:19,367 --> 00:51:22,162
I put down $400.
I said, "If you can't work it out
966
00:51:22,245 --> 00:51:25,332
and we need more money, let me know."
I put down the $400.
967
00:51:26,083 --> 00:51:28,585
Two weeks go by. All of a sudden,
968
00:51:28,668 --> 00:51:33,673
"knowledge" no wisdom
shows up at my house. Gave me $50.
969
00:51:33,757 --> 00:51:37,302
I was like, "What is this for?"
He was like, "We already got the leg."
970
00:51:37,385 --> 00:51:40,430
"We just had extra,
so here's your $50 back."
971
00:51:40,514 --> 00:51:42,140
I'm like, "Oh, okay."
972
00:51:43,475 --> 00:51:45,602
Let me tell you all
what the fuck they did.
973
00:51:46,311 --> 00:51:48,772
First of all, they bought the leg
off the Internet
974
00:51:49,481 --> 00:51:52,317
from a place called Legs R Us.
975
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:54,486
[laughter]
976
00:51:54,569 --> 00:51:59,116
They bought a white leg
and spray-painted it UPS truck brown.
977
00:52:01,243 --> 00:52:02,744
But here's the kicker.
978
00:52:03,328 --> 00:52:05,539
The leg don't have a knee!
979
00:52:06,915 --> 00:52:10,085
This bitch is thigh all the way down.
980
00:52:11,128 --> 00:52:16,133
So, now my uncle is on the Internet
swinging his long-ass thigh,
981
00:52:16,883 --> 00:52:18,635
talking about, "I want a knee."
982
00:52:18,718 --> 00:52:21,304
"I want a knee. I want a knee."
983
00:52:22,139 --> 00:52:25,475
I unfollowed his ass.
I'm not getting involved in that shit.
984
00:52:31,439 --> 00:52:33,024
[sighs]
985
00:52:33,525 --> 00:52:36,736
Don't be afraid of wisdom.
Listen to people sometime.
986
00:52:36,820 --> 00:52:40,240
As you get older, you realize
that you've become a part of wisdom.
987
00:52:40,323 --> 00:52:41,950
I'll tell you, I had a shocker.
988
00:52:42,033 --> 00:52:45,036
First of all, I don't have children.
989
00:52:45,537 --> 00:52:46,830
I don't have children.
990
00:52:46,913 --> 00:52:49,499
You know, people that don't have children,
991
00:52:49,583 --> 00:52:52,502
sometimes I forget how old I really am.
992
00:52:53,086 --> 00:52:56,047
When you have children,
you can watch your children grow older.
993
00:52:56,131 --> 00:52:58,425
You can have grandkids
and things like that.
994
00:52:58,508 --> 00:53:00,051
When you don't have children,
995
00:53:00,135 --> 00:53:02,637
the days just become the days,
months become months,
996
00:53:02,721 --> 00:53:05,307
years become years.
You have your peaks and valleys.
997
00:53:05,390 --> 00:53:08,727
For the most part, sometimes
you can forget how old you really are.
998
00:53:09,227 --> 00:53:11,813
I'll tell you some shit
that woke me up this year.
999
00:53:12,522 --> 00:53:14,566
First of all, my doctor died.
1000
00:53:15,734 --> 00:53:17,736
Now, when your doctor dies…
1001
00:53:20,447 --> 00:53:22,949
This is the motherfucker
keeping you alive.
1002
00:53:23,992 --> 00:53:25,410
How the fuck you die?
1003
00:53:26,786 --> 00:53:28,872
Now you're questioning
all the shit he put you on.
1004
00:53:28,955 --> 00:53:30,790
Bitch, why didn't you save yourself?
1005
00:53:32,125 --> 00:53:33,126
Why?
1006
00:53:34,377 --> 00:53:35,503
So my doctor died.
1007
00:53:35,587 --> 00:53:38,757
Now, this has been the same doctor
I had for the last 30 years.
1008
00:53:38,840 --> 00:53:41,301
Me and my doctor was close.
He was a good doctor.
1009
00:53:41,384 --> 00:53:42,886
So my doctor died.
1010
00:53:42,969 --> 00:53:45,180
Now I have to go out
and find another doctor.
1011
00:53:45,263 --> 00:53:46,723
When you go out to find a doctor,
1012
00:53:46,806 --> 00:53:50,518
first thing they hit you with
as a new patient is a stack of paperwork.
1013
00:53:50,602 --> 00:53:52,812
You sit there,
trying to fill out the paperwork,
1014
00:53:52,896 --> 00:53:55,649
being honest, but still trying
to keep your own dignity.
1015
00:53:55,732 --> 00:53:56,775
You know what I'm saying.
1016
00:53:56,858 --> 00:53:58,944
I'm sitting in the lobby
filling out the paperwork
1017
00:53:59,027 --> 00:54:02,030
to the best of my knowledge
without trying to look, you know,
1018
00:54:02,614 --> 00:54:04,324
like I've been through some shit.
1019
00:54:04,407 --> 00:54:05,700
So sitting there saying…
1020
00:54:05,784 --> 00:54:07,118
The paperwork said,
1021
00:54:07,202 --> 00:54:09,663
"How many drinks do you have a week?"
1022
00:54:11,164 --> 00:54:12,165
One.
1023
00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:15,752
I don't know this motherfucker like that.
1024
00:54:18,004 --> 00:54:21,341
"How many sex partners
have you had in the last three years?"
1025
00:54:22,342 --> 00:54:24,219
One. Exactly! Right?
1026
00:54:24,302 --> 00:54:26,471
You don't know
this motherfucker like that.
1027
00:54:27,973 --> 00:54:30,100
But here is the part that got me.
1028
00:54:30,725 --> 00:54:32,978
You know when they ask you for your age,
1029
00:54:33,061 --> 00:54:36,022
they break the age down in boxes.
1030
00:54:36,690 --> 00:54:40,110
I'm sitting there, I'm filling out the age
in the age bracket.
1031
00:54:40,193 --> 00:54:42,696
First is 18 to 25.
1032
00:54:43,238 --> 00:54:45,782
Nope. Jump down to the next box.
1033
00:54:46,408 --> 00:54:48,493
Twenty-six to 36.
1034
00:54:48,576 --> 00:54:51,913
Nope. Jump down to the next box.
1035
00:54:51,997 --> 00:54:54,249
Thirty-seven to 47.
1036
00:54:54,332 --> 00:54:57,168
Nope. Jump down to the next box.
1037
00:54:57,252 --> 00:55:00,672
The next box just said, "Others."
I'm like, "Hold on, wait a minute."
1038
00:55:01,798 --> 00:55:05,635
I'm like, "You all ain't gonna break
this bitch down right here? This is it?"
1039
00:55:06,553 --> 00:55:09,306
Bullshit! How the fuck
did I get in the last box?
1040
00:55:10,265 --> 00:55:11,808
I'm in the last box?
1041
00:55:12,434 --> 00:55:15,437
That's shit. That was
a whole new world right there
1042
00:55:15,520 --> 00:55:18,940
when I realized I was in the last box.
1043
00:55:19,024 --> 00:55:20,400
And I'm looking around the room.
1044
00:55:20,483 --> 00:55:23,403
I ain't the only bitch in here
in the last box.
1045
00:55:24,237 --> 00:55:26,364
Let me tell you
something about that last box.
1046
00:55:26,448 --> 00:55:30,076
Shit gets real in that last box.
1047
00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:32,412
Especially when it comes to your health.
1048
00:55:32,495 --> 00:55:33,663
Shit gets real.
1049
00:55:33,747 --> 00:55:36,833
'Cause when you're in that last box,
this shit can go any way.
1050
00:55:36,916 --> 00:55:40,670
It's kind of like the prequel game
when you're playing The Price is Right.
1051
00:55:40,754 --> 00:55:43,298
When they release
the thing and they slide down,
1052
00:55:43,381 --> 00:55:46,676
you don't know where it's gonna stop.
It can go any way.
1053
00:55:46,760 --> 00:55:48,720
You could end up with high blood pressure,
1054
00:55:48,803 --> 00:55:52,515
diabetes,
congestive heart failure, dementia,
1055
00:55:52,599 --> 00:55:53,933
Alzheimer's.
1056
00:55:54,017 --> 00:55:57,103
And I'm so scared of the shake shit.
This shit right here…
1057
00:55:58,229 --> 00:56:02,275
Listen, I'm so scared of this shit,
I don't even say no like this no more.
1058
00:56:02,359 --> 00:56:03,443
I'm like, "No."
1059
00:56:03,943 --> 00:56:04,819
"I ain't going."
1060
00:56:05,445 --> 00:56:08,281
"You can go without me.
I ain't going over there like that."
1061
00:56:09,115 --> 00:56:14,371
Listen, I'm so scared to be saying no
and fuck around and can't stop.
1062
00:56:14,454 --> 00:56:18,208
I don't even give that shit a chance
to get on me. I'll be like,
1063
00:56:18,291 --> 00:56:21,294
"No, I ain't going.
You all go ahead. I'm not gonna go."
1064
00:56:22,504 --> 00:56:24,005
Look, I don't even fuck with that,
1065
00:56:24,589 --> 00:56:25,465
at all.
1066
00:56:27,258 --> 00:56:31,012
I know people always say, "Life is
a beautiful thin. You gotta live."
1067
00:56:31,096 --> 00:56:33,223
It is. It's a beautiful thing.
1068
00:56:33,890 --> 00:56:35,517
Look at people like Betty White,
1069
00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:37,811
the actress from Golden Girls.
1070
00:56:37,894 --> 00:56:39,604
She recently passed away.
1071
00:56:40,772 --> 00:56:43,983
Betty White was 99 years old.
1072
00:56:44,067 --> 00:56:46,611
She was 13 days from 100.
1073
00:56:46,694 --> 00:56:50,240
Thirteen days from 100.
Listen, 99 is cool,
1074
00:56:50,323 --> 00:56:53,326
but 100 is a milestone.
That's a whole nother level.
1075
00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:55,912
A whole nother plateau
for you to reach 100.
1076
00:56:56,538 --> 00:56:59,999
I don't know about you all, but I'd have
got my grandma to 100. Fuck that.
1077
00:57:00,083 --> 00:57:03,044
I wouldn't have called the people
for 13 motherfucking days.
1078
00:57:06,589 --> 00:57:09,342
She would have been
stiff as a bitch when they got here.
1079
00:57:11,344 --> 00:57:14,556
The paramedics would have been like,
"How old is she? Is she 100?"
1080
00:57:14,639 --> 00:57:17,308
"She's 100. Right now, today, she is 100."
1081
00:57:19,978 --> 00:57:22,313
I would have got my grandma that 100.
Fuck it.
1082
00:57:24,941 --> 00:57:27,318
But everybody's like,
"It's a blessing to live to be 100."
1083
00:57:27,402 --> 00:57:30,238
Listen, it's a blessing to live to be 100
1084
00:57:30,321 --> 00:57:33,074
if your money lasts for you to be 100.
1085
00:57:33,825 --> 00:57:36,244
But fuck around and you live to be 100
1086
00:57:36,327 --> 00:57:39,038
and your money ran out at 75,
1087
00:57:40,123 --> 00:57:42,542
listen, that's a hard 25.
1088
00:57:43,251 --> 00:57:45,670
Come on now, 25? That's a hard 25.
1089
00:57:46,212 --> 00:57:50,633
You fuck around and live to be 100
and your money stopped at 75.
1090
00:57:50,717 --> 00:57:53,678
Now you've got to move in
with Man-Man and Shae-Shae.
1091
00:57:54,929 --> 00:57:58,183
Two of the most irresponsible
motherfuckers you know in the world.
1092
00:57:59,267 --> 00:58:01,603
They had three kids they lost custody of.
1093
00:58:02,770 --> 00:58:05,899
Now they're raising two pit bulls,
King and Killer.
1094
00:58:06,733 --> 00:58:07,775
And you.
1095
00:58:08,860 --> 00:58:12,739
They got you living in the living room
on an air mattress with a slow leak.
1096
00:58:14,616 --> 00:58:16,951
You get up at three o'clock every morning
1097
00:58:17,035 --> 00:58:18,953
flat on your motherfucking back.
1098
00:58:19,704 --> 00:58:22,415
You've got to wait for the bitch
to pump you back up.
1099
00:58:25,418 --> 00:58:28,838
The dogs circling your ass like,
"Why can't we eat this old bitch?"
1100
00:58:29,881 --> 00:58:31,966
And you all know Shae-Shae ain't cooking.
1101
00:58:32,759 --> 00:58:34,552
He's straight off the dollar menu.
1102
00:58:35,720 --> 00:58:38,264
Your blood pressure
through the motherfucking roof.
1103
00:58:39,307 --> 00:58:43,186
Your feet so goddamn swollen
like you've got on UGGs and a Croc.
1104
00:58:47,732 --> 00:58:49,275
You're off the dollar menu.
1105
00:58:50,610 --> 00:58:53,655
You're straight nuggets, nigga.
Straight nuggets.
1106
00:58:54,447 --> 00:58:58,409
When you're 100 years old, your teeth
can't fuck with that skin like it used to.
1107
00:58:58,952 --> 00:59:01,621
You've got to sit there
and suck that bitch naked.
1108
00:59:03,623 --> 00:59:05,875
After a while,
they just chop your nugget up.
1109
00:59:05,959 --> 00:59:08,169
You in that bitch eating
a nugget smoothie.
1110
00:59:09,087 --> 00:59:12,215
Licking honey mustard sauce,
and then sucking the smoothie.
1111
00:59:13,299 --> 00:59:15,677
Oh, Man-Man and Shae-Shae
got you all fucked up.
1112
00:59:16,469 --> 00:59:18,555
You ain't got none of that grandma shit.
1113
00:59:20,306 --> 00:59:24,185
You ain't got no robe, no gown.
You ain't got no bedroom slippers.
1114
00:59:25,061 --> 00:59:28,731
You're in the living room with a pair
of Shae-Shae old boy's shorts.
1115
00:59:29,566 --> 00:59:32,026
That's your goddamn Pamper
hanging out the back.
1116
00:59:32,777 --> 00:59:34,654
With legs so motherfucking baggy,
1117
00:59:34,737 --> 00:59:37,073
it'll look like drapes
hanging from the Pamper.
1118
00:59:39,576 --> 00:59:42,245
They got you fucked up.
They got you fucked up.
1119
00:59:44,831 --> 00:59:47,333
Shae-Shae and Man-Man,
they running their own shit.
1120
00:59:48,001 --> 00:59:51,838
Taking you to the doctor,
coaching you on the medication to ask for.
1121
00:59:51,921 --> 00:59:56,259
"Go in and tell them you on
pain number ten, ask for some Percocets."
1122
00:59:57,719 --> 00:59:59,137
"And some Viagra."
1123
01:00:01,514 --> 01:00:03,600
"Don't forget
your blood pressure medicine."
1124
01:00:05,810 --> 01:00:09,522
Listen,
Man-Man doing tattoos at the house now.
1125
01:00:10,982 --> 01:00:12,984
He's using you as the test monkey.
1126
01:00:14,277 --> 01:00:17,864
He got you sitting up in Bingo
with a tattoo on your neck
1127
01:00:17,947 --> 01:00:19,657
that say, "Bad Bitch."
1128
01:00:21,200 --> 01:00:22,702
And it's spelled wrong.
1129
01:00:24,162 --> 01:00:26,664
They are sitting there like,
"What's a bad batch?"
1130
01:00:32,337 --> 01:00:34,130
But everything is gonna change.
1131
01:00:34,213 --> 01:00:35,840
Everything is gonna change.
1132
01:00:35,923 --> 01:00:38,468
Ladies, your hot pocket's gonna change.
1133
01:00:39,260 --> 01:00:41,179
Now she ain't gonna leave you,
1134
01:00:41,262 --> 01:00:42,889
but she will deceive you.
1135
01:00:44,140 --> 01:00:46,392
From time and time,
she gonna do all the shit.
1136
01:00:47,060 --> 01:00:49,896
Listen, you just got to treat her
like you are the coach
1137
01:00:49,979 --> 01:00:51,981
and she is the star player.
1138
01:00:52,523 --> 01:00:54,734
Sometimes you got
to give a little pep talk.
1139
01:00:55,318 --> 01:00:57,445
Especially if you don't have
in-house dick.
1140
01:00:58,071 --> 01:00:59,656
When you don't have in-house dick
1141
01:00:59,739 --> 01:01:01,991
and you got to go
on your dick appointments,
1142
01:01:02,075 --> 01:01:04,160
you got to give a little pep talk.
1143
01:01:04,994 --> 01:01:06,162
You sit in your car,
1144
01:01:06,788 --> 01:01:08,790
before you get out, you cut the car off.
1145
01:01:09,499 --> 01:01:10,750
Cut the radio off.
1146
01:01:10,833 --> 01:01:12,669
Put your hand on the steering wheel.
1147
01:01:13,294 --> 01:01:14,671
So you've got an open shot.
1148
01:01:15,338 --> 01:01:17,256
You look down and you say, "Listen,
1149
01:01:17,340 --> 01:01:20,051
I need you to go in here.
I need you to show up and show out."
1150
01:01:21,469 --> 01:01:23,596
"I don't need you to catch no feelings."
1151
01:01:23,680 --> 01:01:25,473
"Don't bring up old shit."
1152
01:01:26,391 --> 01:01:28,309
"I need you to stay focused."
1153
01:01:28,393 --> 01:01:31,104
"And whatever you do,
don't lose your grip."
1154
01:01:32,647 --> 01:01:35,775
Pat that bitch two times, pop-pop!
Get the fuck out of the car.
1155
01:01:36,984 --> 01:01:37,819
All right.
1156
01:01:38,778 --> 01:01:39,987
Don't lose your grip!
1157
01:01:41,322 --> 01:01:43,533
See the young girls singing about
the wet-wet.
1158
01:01:43,616 --> 01:01:45,535
Bitch, you can buy wet-wet.
1159
01:01:46,202 --> 01:01:48,121
It's the motherfucking grip!
1160
01:01:48,746 --> 01:01:49,914
It's the grip.
1161
01:01:50,707 --> 01:01:54,627
Listen, ladies, whatever you do,
don't lose your motherfucking grip.
1162
01:01:55,294 --> 01:01:56,838
'Cause if you lose your grip,
1163
01:01:56,921 --> 01:01:59,882
now you're going to have
to let him use the celebrity entrance.
1164
01:02:02,051 --> 01:02:04,595
You know celebrities don't
come in the front door.
1165
01:02:10,935 --> 01:02:12,937
Look, I should have
never told men that shit.
1166
01:02:13,020 --> 01:02:14,564
That got them excited.
1167
01:02:15,648 --> 01:02:17,442
On their birthday,
they're going to be like,
1168
01:02:17,525 --> 01:02:21,404
"I thought you were gonna treat
a nigga like a star tonight!" [laughs]
1169
01:02:29,829 --> 01:02:32,623
Men, you're laughing,
but your shit gonna change too.
1170
01:02:33,291 --> 01:02:34,959
Your shit gonna change.
1171
01:02:35,042 --> 01:02:36,794
Your balls gonna dry up.
1172
01:02:37,920 --> 01:02:40,298
Your balls are gonna get
long as a motherfucker.
1173
01:02:41,048 --> 01:02:43,843
Your balls are gonna get so long
that every time before you sit down
1174
01:02:43,926 --> 01:02:46,429
you're gonna have
to scooch up a little bit
1175
01:02:46,512 --> 01:02:47,972
to keep from sitting on them.
1176
01:02:48,848 --> 01:02:52,727
Every time you sit down, you're like,
"I'm gonna sit and watch the game a bit."
1177
01:02:52,810 --> 01:02:55,396
And your grand baby
is gonna be the one to tell you.
1178
01:02:55,480 --> 01:02:58,316
She gonna be like,
"Papa, why every time before you sit,
1179
01:02:58,399 --> 01:03:00,526
you scooch up a little bit like this?"
1180
01:03:00,610 --> 01:03:03,905
"What?" "Every time before you sit,
you scooch up a little bit."
1181
01:03:03,988 --> 01:03:06,199
"No, I don't.
Get out of here with all that."
1182
01:03:06,282 --> 01:03:08,117
"Every time you sit, you scooch."
1183
01:03:08,201 --> 01:03:10,203
"No, no. Go on out there, go."
1184
01:03:10,995 --> 01:03:13,498
She going to her room, like,
"He mad 'cause I said
1185
01:03:13,581 --> 01:03:16,042
every time he sit down
he scooch up a little bit."
1186
01:03:18,628 --> 01:03:20,797
Come on, ladies,
you've seen the balls drop.
1187
01:03:21,798 --> 01:03:24,342
You've seen them balls drop
and get tangled up.
1188
01:03:24,425 --> 01:03:27,428
You see that motherfucker
in mid-conversation break up a fight.
1189
01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:29,555
"I'll sit here
and watch the heat going down."
1190
01:03:29,639 --> 01:03:31,641
"The heat better come on.
I'm gonna watch the game."
1191
01:03:31,724 --> 01:03:34,227
This is what the nigga do
to break up a fight now.
1192
01:03:34,310 --> 01:03:36,062
"I'm gonna watch the game now."
1193
01:03:41,484 --> 01:03:43,528
I love being in the last box.
1194
01:03:43,611 --> 01:03:44,779
As a grown woman,
1195
01:03:44,862 --> 01:03:48,950
I feel like a full-grown German shepherd
up this bitch. I do.
1196
01:03:49,033 --> 01:03:53,120
In that last box,
there's a confidence that comes over you.
1197
01:03:53,204 --> 01:03:56,082
At this age, it is what the fuck it is.
1198
01:03:56,165 --> 01:03:58,835
Either you like what I'm selling
or you don't.
1199
01:03:58,918 --> 01:04:00,127
That's just it.
1200
01:04:00,878 --> 01:04:04,757
There's a calm and a confidence
that comes over you as a woman.
1201
01:04:05,550 --> 01:04:09,762
But I do miss being a young girl. I do.
I miss the drama of being a young girl.
1202
01:04:09,846 --> 01:04:12,598
Here's what I miss
about being young. The arguments.
1203
01:04:12,682 --> 01:04:15,393
Remember, as a young girl,
you would argue with a man
1204
01:04:15,476 --> 01:04:18,771
and set it the fuck off.
Say you're going to a party with your man.
1205
01:04:18,855 --> 01:04:21,482
You know there's other women here.
1206
01:04:21,566 --> 01:04:23,025
You catch him looking at one,
1207
01:04:23,109 --> 01:04:24,944
you lose your motherfucking mind.
1208
01:04:25,027 --> 01:04:27,196
"I can't believe
you staring at that bitch."
1209
01:04:27,280 --> 01:04:30,491
"You being so motherfucking disrespectful
staring at that bitch."
1210
01:04:30,575 --> 01:04:33,452
"If that's what you want,
you need to go with that bitch."
1211
01:04:33,536 --> 01:04:35,538
Lose your motherfucking mind.
1212
01:04:36,289 --> 01:04:38,499
But not in the last box.
1213
01:04:38,583 --> 01:04:40,710
In the last box, at a party with your man,
1214
01:04:40,793 --> 01:04:42,962
you catch him staring at another woman.
1215
01:04:43,045 --> 01:04:46,132
"Damn, boo, you can see her from here
without your glasses?"
1216
01:04:46,799 --> 01:04:48,593
"Wow, high five, nigga."
1217
01:04:50,011 --> 01:04:53,264
"Your eye drops must be working.
A-ha, that's what's up."
1218
01:04:54,015 --> 01:04:56,142
"I like that. That's what's up."
1219
01:04:57,268 --> 01:04:59,020
You ain't into all that drama.
1220
01:04:59,729 --> 01:05:01,981
There's a cool and calm
that comes over you.
1221
01:05:02,773 --> 01:05:06,569
Listen, in the last box, you ain't jealous
of no other woman. Jealous?
1222
01:05:06,652 --> 01:05:08,821
Jealous nor envy. Uh-uh.
1223
01:05:08,905 --> 01:05:10,907
Because as a woman, in this last box,
1224
01:05:10,990 --> 01:05:14,368
you know there's a responsibility
that comes with everything.
1225
01:05:14,452 --> 01:05:17,663
Anything you do, there's a responsibility
that comes with that.
1226
01:05:17,747 --> 01:05:20,416
You look at other women,
you appreciate what she does.
1227
01:05:20,499 --> 01:05:22,251
If she's got some shit popping
other than you,
1228
01:05:22,335 --> 01:05:25,171
it's something she doin' that you ain't
doin', and that's all right.
1229
01:05:25,254 --> 01:05:27,256
But we peep the bullshit too, now.
1230
01:05:27,798 --> 01:05:29,800
You see the bullshit on the Internet.
1231
01:05:30,801 --> 01:05:32,970
Women go away and have plastic surgery.
1232
01:05:33,596 --> 01:05:36,349
Go buy two new workout outfits
1233
01:05:36,432 --> 01:05:39,060
and come back
as a trainer on the Internet.
1234
01:05:40,728 --> 01:05:43,314
You like the bitch's style,
so you're following her.
1235
01:05:43,397 --> 01:05:46,567
You do everything this bitch does
but ain't losing no weight.
1236
01:05:46,651 --> 01:05:50,738
And one, and two, and one, and two.
1237
01:05:51,280 --> 01:05:54,909
You're trying to figure out,
"Why ain't I losing weight, like her?"
1238
01:05:55,576 --> 01:05:57,703
But she went and had plastic surgery.
1239
01:05:58,245 --> 01:06:00,915
That's okay.
Everybody do what you need to do for you.
1240
01:06:00,998 --> 01:06:04,543
Whatever makes you feel better,
whatever it is, do what you do.
1241
01:06:04,627 --> 01:06:08,464
Here's what I think. We should put
a rule and regulation on plastic surgery.
1242
01:06:08,547 --> 01:06:10,549
Just like we've got rules and regulations
1243
01:06:10,633 --> 01:06:13,052
on baby hair, lashes,
1244
01:06:13,135 --> 01:06:15,262
Facebook, teeth.
1245
01:06:15,346 --> 01:06:18,849
Listen, we got rules and regulations
with plastic surgery.
1246
01:06:18,933 --> 01:06:22,353
If you've had more than three procedures,
1247
01:06:22,436 --> 01:06:24,522
you should no longer be able to have
1248
01:06:24,605 --> 01:06:26,857
your same sexy voice.
1249
01:06:27,733 --> 01:06:28,818
Come on now.
1250
01:06:28,901 --> 01:06:31,654
You should have to have
Dr. Maya Angelou's voice.
1251
01:06:33,656 --> 01:06:35,199
Yeah, think about it.
1252
01:06:35,282 --> 01:06:38,369
Let's say Nicki Minaj. I love Nicki Minaj.
1253
01:06:38,452 --> 01:06:41,706
Have you seen the body on Nicki Minaj?
1254
01:06:41,789 --> 01:06:44,750
I'm talking about big old titties,
small waist, big old ass.
1255
01:06:44,834 --> 01:06:48,504
I'm talking about tight. When that bitch
start walking, everything stops.
1256
01:06:48,587 --> 01:06:49,797
Tight.
1257
01:06:49,880 --> 01:06:54,301
But let's be clear,
Nicki has had some plastic surgery.
1258
01:06:54,385 --> 01:06:55,720
So, by law,
1259
01:06:55,803 --> 01:07:00,683
Nicki should not be able to have
her same sexy voice.
1260
01:07:00,766 --> 01:07:04,603
Nicki should have to have
Dr. Maya Angelou's voice.
1261
01:07:05,271 --> 01:07:09,233
Imagine interviewing Nicki
about her next album that's coming out.
1262
01:07:09,316 --> 01:07:11,652
"So, Nicki, when is
the next album coming out?"
1263
01:07:11,736 --> 01:07:14,905
[throaty voice]
"Well, I'm looking to release the album
1264
01:07:14,989 --> 01:07:18,534
maybe in January 2023."
1265
01:07:18,617 --> 01:07:24,707
"I'm looking to, probably,
release the album in January 2023."
1266
01:07:25,708 --> 01:07:28,836
[normal voice] You know
she got to have the shake shit with it.
1267
01:07:29,378 --> 01:07:30,880
Who all gonna be on the album?
1268
01:07:30,963 --> 01:07:33,883
[throaty voice] "I'm thinking
of putting Drake on the album
1269
01:07:33,966 --> 01:07:37,053
and probably Missy Elliott on the album."
1270
01:07:37,136 --> 01:07:40,973
"Why not just throw Lil Wayne
on the album as well."
1271
01:07:46,645 --> 01:07:48,814
[normal voice]
As a matter of fact, tonight,
1272
01:07:48,898 --> 01:07:51,192
ladies, when you're lying in bed,
1273
01:07:51,275 --> 01:07:54,737
getting ready to go to sleep,
and all the lights are out,
1274
01:07:55,237 --> 01:07:58,240
and you and your man are getting ready
to cuddle up and take it down,
1275
01:07:58,741 --> 01:08:00,785
soon as he roll over, I want you to say,
1276
01:08:00,868 --> 01:08:04,789
[throaty voice] "Wasn't Sommore good?
I thought she was very good tonight."
1277
01:08:04,872 --> 01:08:08,876
Boca Raton, you've been great.
Thank you all for coming out. Thank you.
1278
01:08:11,337 --> 01:08:12,630
[hip-hop music playing]